(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
Can I have a black coffee with sugar, please?
See that glass up front?
Yeah, a window popped out of the 12th floor this morning.
Can you believe that? Any one of us could've been under it when it fell.
Probably not the idiot that installed it.
He's probably home in bed right now sleeping.
(SNEEZES)
One second you're walking down State Street minding your own business,
the next second, bam! Shredded beef.
Makes you think, doesn't it?
I mean, we all have things we want to do in this life. I do, you do.
Before we get a chance to do 'em, some window falls on us.
Some truck flattens you or you catch some disease.
(SNEEZES) ALL: Oh!
WOMAN: Not contagious.
(ALL GROANING)
Now, Marty here... Oh, Carl, you know Martin Harvey?
Sixteenth floor, new products? Marty, Carl Preston.
Marty wants to write a novel. I mean, that's what he told me.
So, what are you gonna write about, Marty?
Adventures in new product development? (LAUGHS)
No, no, I just said someday... (SNEEZES)
Well, my point exactly, "someday."
Martin Harvey? Sign on the line.
Someday I'll retire to Wisconsin.
Someday we'll all have more time for our kids.
Someday Marty will do something worth writing about.
Well, what if someday never comes and this is all there is, huh? Huh?
(ELEVATOR DINGS) Oh, my floor. Coming through.
Come on, folks, let's go, step lively. Come on, coming off.
(WHISTLES)
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
Going down!
Junk!
How much junk can one person carry?
(SIGHS)
(TELEPHONE RINGING) (MUMBLING)
I'm com... Oh, God!
Caroline, I asked you to do...
(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
Yes!
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Hi, Mrs. Holtzman, how are you?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(TRICYCLE BELL DINGS)
(RATTLING) Oh!
(HUMMING)
Well, it's not gonna happen at that price. That's all there is to it.
Katherine, I have a couple of pieces of really big news.
Uh, yeah, well, let's see here.
You've got 532 square feet.
Right. So there's no way you're gonna come in under $1,600.
Right, uh-huh.
Well, I do too, but listen, I've just got one word to say to you...
(LAUGHING) And that's... Congoleum!
Right. (WHISPERING)
Uh-huh. (HUMMING)
Well, no, no. Clearly we both prefer tile.
I mean, there's just no question.
You know what, Mrs. Holtzman, I'm gonna call you right back.
Is that all right?
Great. Because... No. And don't sign anything till you talk to me.
Great. Great.
Mmm-hmm.
Fine, great. Okay, okay, soon. Bye.
Martin? (HUMMING)
What is he doing home so early?
(EXHALES)
I'm home!
KATHERINE: Martin?
Mom?
Martin! Mom!
KATHERINE: What are you doing up there?
MARTIN: Do you remember my Uncle William?
The guy who ran off, sailed off in 1962 and never came back?
Yeah.
Oh, no, don't tell me. He's back?
Well, oh. Let me guess. He's coming here for a visit, right?
Honey, I can't. I really can't.
This has just been the worst possible week.
Don't worry, he's not coming to visit.
Well, thank God. He's dead.
Oh. Oh, God.
(MUMBLING)
There I am the last time I saw him.
Look at you.
Yeah, and he left us that.
KATHERINE: What? An old boat steering wheel?
MARTIN: No. It's not just the helm.
It's everything the helm is attached to.
You inherited an old boat.
BEN: Wow. We're getting a boat? Too cool!
Ben, remember our discussion about eavesdropping?
Okay. But we're getting a boat?
Uh, your father and I have to talk about it.
All right, we're getting a boat.
(EXHALES)
It's not just an old boat.
He bought it from the Clark Gable estate, for God's sake!
Are you serious? Absolutely. So I phoned three boat brokers.
She's worth over a quarter of a million dollars.
Get out of here! (LAUGHING)
Honey, we can really use that money!
Yeah.
We can get out from under the second on the house
and pay off the credit card debt. Oh, this is great.
How quick can we sell it?
Well, there's, uh... There's one little catch.
It's... It's on this island, San Pomme de Terre.
Doesn't that sound romantic?
That means potato.
No, it doesn't.
Now, it has to be brought to Miami if we want to sell it.
Yes, it does, honey. It means Saint Potato.
Katherine, it's not the point, really, okay?
The point is, we can sail it ourselves.
(SCOFFS) We don't know anything about sailing!
We don't have to because it's got an engine.
You know, we can put it under power until we get the hang of sailing.
Honey, I don't care if it has an engine or not.
We don't know how to drive a boat!
Yeah, well, I figured that out.
You see, the Caribbean is filled with boat captains.
So, what we do is we hire a boat captain.
He takes the boat to Miami with us,
teaching us how to sail at the same time. See?
Mmm. Mmm-hmm.
Thirty, 45 days under sail. An adventure!
Oh.
Mmm.
Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.
Mmm-mmm.
What do you mean, "Mmm-mmm"?
Well, what could I mean?
Mmm-mmm. No. Honey, we can't do this right now.
I mean, we can't do it.
This is what we'll do. We'll get a boat mover.
Mmm.
They've gotta have them, right? Yeah.
And we'll just have the boat mover bring it from there to us...
No, you're missing the whole point.
It's about a spontaneous moment here that we just grab at.
We'll be spontaneous when we have time, okay?
Can I speak to Jason, please? This is Ben Harvey.
Oh, and it's kind of important.
...we gotta pay taxes... Of course, we have to pay taxes.
And, I mean, who knows how much we're actually gonna net.
It's not about money. I'm talking about a lifetime experience.
Jason, guess what? We're getting a boat, man!
(KATHERINE SCREAMS)
Got to go. I'll call you back. (THUD)
KATHERINE: Okay, who was thoughtless enough
to put food on the kitchen table?
Did you do this?
Do what, Mom?
(EXHALES)
(GROANS)
All my modifications are washed off. Katherine...
It's a week's worth of work. And it's gone.
Katherine, honest to God, listen to yourself right now.
Dad... You know?
Floor coverings and window treatments have now become
the biggest thing in your life. Dad?
And I don't think we're paying enough attention to our children!
Dad! Ben, would you please stop interrupting?
We're trying to have a family discussion here.
What about your job, huh? What about my clients?
And let's talk about the fact that we have children that are in school!
Oh, we'll take 'em out of the school. Awesome!
Oh, come on!
Oh, you think we're getting our educational dollars' worth here?
What's two plus three? Uh...
At least we're gonna broaden their horizons.
Five! Atta boy. You know...
Don't you try to guilt trip me over this.
I'm not trying to guilt trip you into anything. That's totally...
Yes, you are. You are. You always do this to me.
Look, it is pathetic, Katherine.
We have an 11-year-old boy and a 16-year-old daughter who know nothing about life.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Give me a sec to tell 'em, okay? (CHUCKLES)
This is so cool!
MARTIN: What can I say to make you at least consider it?
KATHERINE: (SIGHS) I can't think of anything that anyone could say
to make me want to drop everything,
go to the other side of the world
to a place that no one's ever even heard of. (DOOR OPENING)
(CHUCKLING) Oh, Mom, Dad, guess what?
I got engaged.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Yo, Mom, Dad.
(GIGGLING)
What?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(HONKING)
♪ Stir it up
♪ Little darling, stir it up
♪ Come on, baby
♪ Come on and stir it up
♪ Little darling ♪
Ah, yes. These are some of your uncle's things,
removed for safekeeping.
We took the liberty of burying him in a place overlooking the water.
Oh, it's very nice of you to do that. Very nice.
We had to. We have no refrigeration facilities, and after six days...
We understand. That's fine. Thank you. It's very nice.
Kate, take a look.
Oh, honey, is that it?
It looks like something out of Adventures in Paradise.
Are you kidding?
Of course, that was taken a few years ago.
But isn't she a classic?
(CREAKING AND RATTLING)
Hey, Katherine, kids, you gotta see this.
This is way better than you would think.
It just needs a little work. It's great.
Come on, Katherine, come on.
I'll be right back.
Come on! Let's go!
(EXHALES)
(CHUCKLES)
This sucks.
MARTIN: Katherine! I'm coming.
Oh.
Whoa.
Clearly the wrong shoe selection.
(SIGHS)
Well? Oh, I'm sorry. (SCREAMS)
What do you think? (SIGHS) Honey...
I mean, just look at this. You gotta see this.
My fault? You're the one that got engaged!
(SCOFFS) Well, you're the one that went ballistic over getting a boat.
A ski boat!
Don't push me! (SCREAMS)
(GASPS) Ben! Oh, geez!
Mom, Ben fell in the water.
Honey! Honey, we're coming.
You pushed me!
He pushed me first.
He knows he's not supposed to touch me.
You did it intentionally! Ben, swim to the side.
You're a little brat. You know that? I hate you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah!
Okay, stop it! Don't let that water get in your mouth.
It could give you diphtheria or something. (SPUTTERS)
Daddy's coming. Here, Ben.
Oh...
(RINGING)
Donaldson Yacht Brokers.
Uh-huh. All right. Hold on. Hold on.
Uh, it's Mr. Harvey and it's a bad connection.
Yes, Mr. Harvey. How are you?
We just received the specs on the boat from the lawyers for the estate.
It seems it hasn't been surveyed since, uh, 1967. Have you seen it yet?
Yes, uh, yes, yes. I'm actually looking at it now.
Uh-huh.
Well, I'm just wondering...
Yeah, could you hold on one second, please?
Excuse me, I'm gonna be a little bit here.
I could signal you when I'm through.
Yeah, um, I was wondering what it would be worth
in less than perfect condition.
I see.
(CHUCKLES) I'll tell you what.
You get it up here and we'll take a look-see.
(CHUCKLES)
Not at all. Bye-bye now.
Patti. PATTI: Mmm-hmm.
We were gonna send Chuck Petrie down to skipper that Harvey boat.
Hmm.
I changed my mind. Just find 'em somebody local.
A local? In San Pomme de Terre?
Mmm. Yeah.
PATTI: Okay.
(CAR BACKFIRING)
(SCOFFS)
(CREAKING)
This here the Harvey boat?
Who wants to know?
Captain Ron.
Hey, are you the captain?
Yeah. Ron Rico.
Call me Captain Ron, boss. Everybody does.
Hi, Captain Ron. Martin Harvey.
I'd like you to meet my wife and kids.
Yeah. Hi, Mrs. Harvey.
(CHUCKLING)
You old dog. I bet she keeps your clock wound, huh?
No, that's my daughter, Caroline.
Oh, hey, my mistake!
Now, hiya, babe. Hi.
Uh, Caroline, honey, maybe you should, you know, put on some more clothes.
This is my wife, Katherine. (LAUGHS)
Hey, what's happening, Kitty?
Hi, nice to meet you.
Whoa! And my son, Ben.
Hey, say, swab.
BEN: Man, what happened to your eye?
Ben. KATHERINE: Sweetie, that's rude.
Ah, that's all right.
Shark attack, swab.
A shark ate your eye?
Yeah, it happened when I went down off the coast of Australia.
Uh, your boat sank? Wow.
No, no, no, not my boat. My boss's boat.
Yeah, we hit this reef, huge son of a bitch. Ran the whole coast.
Wait. The Great Barrier Reef?
You heard of it, huh? Smart lady.
Well, let's check this thing out,
see what kind of trouble this tub's really in, huh, boss?
Yeah, just go... The engine is, uh...
Honey? Yeah?
Honey, did we get a resume on him?
Oh, I'm sure he's fine. You know what I mean?
He's already gone to work. You know, so...
Okay. Ah, there's no problem.
I'm gonna just go down and show him a few things.
Tools on our... (CLEARS THROAT)
You know, I think we should tell him
we don't know that much about boats.
I wouldn't worry about it, dear.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Well, it's a genuine article, all right.
Fairchild Marine, 1,200 ponies.
Whoa.
KATHERINE: It drips a lot of oil, doesn't it?
Hey, all diesels do that.
All diesels do that, honey.
Yeah, diesels love their oil like a sailor loves his rum.
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES) Yes, they do.
Why is that, Captain Ron?
Ah, nobody knows.
Huh.
All right. Now, we're gonna have to check the oil
and fill her up every morning before we run up.
It's a greasy job, but somebody's gotta do it.
Well, Ben, that sounds like...
No, no, it's too important, boss. You better do it.
You handle taking out the trash, swab.
Oh, man, that stinks.
MARTIN: Ben!
Hey, swab, come here.
Listen up.
The way it works shipboard is, you do your job.
You do it good, you get a better job.
Maybe you get promoted from swab to mate.
All right, get on it.
Yeah, sort of an incentive kind of a deal, huh?
Aw, that's good.
Yeah, incentives are important.
Learned that in rehab.
God, it's ridiculous.
Let's see what we got here.
Oh.
Well, you got a little dry rot here, boss.
That's okay. Every boat's got it.
Every boat's got it, honey.
You're lucky. Yours is above the waterline.
(CREAKING)
Well, most of it anyway.
All right! Let's kick the tires and light the fires, huh?
(ENGINE STARTING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
Ah! (COUGHING)
Hey! Hey!
(LAUGHING)
I really hate this.
Honey, are you okay? Will that come off?
Yeah, yeah. She'll be fine. A little turpentine'll do the trick.
Dad, let's take it out. See how fast it'll go.
No, not yet, Ben. We gotta make sure everything's shipshape.
Right, Captain? Ah, you're right about that, boss.
(CRASHING) KATHERINE: Ow!
You all right? Yeah.
Besides, swab, I borrowed my buddy's car...
Uh...
KATHERINE: What car? Did he come in a car?
MARTIN: I don't see one.
KATHERINE: But he said his friend's car.
You know, on second thought, what the hell? We got to get started sometime, right?
Clogged pores. I'm gonna look like a pizza.
People think a good complexion grows on trees.
Wait a minute. We don't even know if this thing is safe or not.
Eh, best way to find out is get her out on the ocean, Kitty.
If anything's gonna happen, it's gonna happen out there.
But we don't have any supplies.
Yeah, we'll pick 'em up in St. Haag, boss, about 30 miles.
I'm pretty sure we got enough fuel to make it. Push that forward.
All right!
(SCREAMS) (CRASHING)
(CAR HONKING)
MAN: Hey! Hey!
Where are you going?
Capitan Ron!
Where is my auto?
Stop!
(GUN COCKING)
What's next?
You stole my wife.
But you're not stealing my car! (GUNSHOTS)
What is that? I don't know.
Some local dispute or something?
Hey, boss. Hey, hey, come here, take ahold.
KATHERINE: Are those gunshots?
Hey, Kitty, look at this.
Honey, look.
Keep your eyes out there.
You, uh... You look kind of natural there.
Thank you.
Spend much time on the water?
Yeah, some, when I was a kid.
It shows.
All right. Well, just keep her pointed due north.
Don't bump into anything. I'm gonna get some shut-eye.
Uh... Captain Ron?
Should... Should...
Sweetie, be careful. Yeah, yeah.
Honey, are you okay?
Just fine. Mmm-hmm.
You're comfortable doing this?
(EXHALES)
Well, next stop, St. Haag.
About 35 miles, I think,
due north.
Isn't this great?
(CHUCKLES) Look at this. Open ocean, uncharted islands.
Who knows what's waiting for us out there?
Come here.
MARTIN: Log entry, day two.
The adventure begins!
What a thrill it is to be leaving the turmoil of civilization behind us.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(HORN BLARING)
Martin, you see that boat, right? Honey!
I see it, honey. I see it.
(HORNS BLARING)
Captain Ron, could you come up, please?
Don't worry. Everything's fine.
Dad?
There's something wrong with that Captain Ron guy.
MARTIN: What? (SCOFFS)
I think he's dead.
KATHERINE: What?
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Ben, stop that.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
(CLICKS TONGUE) Tough break, huh?
Guess we'll have to go home now.
MARTIN: Katherine, is he okay?
Katherine? I didn't do it!
(SCREAMS) I didn't do it! I didn't do it, I swear!
What? What? (KATHERINE BREATHING HEAVILY)
Where am I?
Oh, sorry, Kitty.
I do that when I sleep. It keeps the light out.
What about your other eye?
Glass, swab.
Too cool! Yeah.
Won it in a crap game a few years back.
How we doing up on deck here?
Oh, this is...
I know, I know, I don't want to hear about it.
(EXHALES)
Well, hi. You okay? Yeah.
Oh, good. Eh, good job, boss.
(ENGINE REVVING)
MARTIN: Slow down. There are boats all over the place.
CAPTAIN RON: Ah, don't worry. They'll get out of the way.
Learned that driving the Saratoga.
The USS Saratoga?
Yeah, the old Sara.
MARTIN: Slow down. Are you crazy?
CAPTAIN RON: All right, get ready to kick those fenders over, boss.
Yeah. Fenders? What are fenders?
Those rubber bumper things right up there.
MARTIN: Hold on. Hold on! BEN: What's going on, Dad?
We need the rubber bumper things. KATHERINE: What?
Hurry, just hang on to something.
We're coming in too fast. Just hold on to something. (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
BEN: Caroline, get off my foot!
CAROLINE: I'm not on your foot! BEN: Mom!
(CLATTERING)
(SCREAMING, SHOUTING)
Hold on!
Did you see that? That was cool.
All right, let's tie her off and kick back some cold ones, huh?
Hey. (SPEAKING GERMAN)
I guess I'll go with a margarita, huh? Yeah.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) Hey! (LAUGHS)
Honey, I got to confess.
(CHUCKLING) I was a little nervous about that.
(CHUCKLES)
I don't know why. He obviously knows what he's doing.
♪ Tell me where you been last night, Caroline
But I miss Chicago.
I mean, they've got clubs there. That's really cool.
I'm engaged. (CHUCKLES) MAN: Engaged?
But it's kind of informal.
Like, not a problem. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, God, I got to go.
Um. I'll see if I can make it.
Bye. Bye-bye.
♪ Spend their moneys on rings and everybody's a thief
What do you think about Captain Ron?
I mean, uh, I would be
certainly willing to find someone else if you're not comfortable with him.
I think it's important that you're...
No, I think he's fine. I think he's fine.
I mean, he seems to know what he's doing. He was in the Navy.
Yeah, yeah. All right.
What about the eye thing though?
Oh, honey.
I would never fire anybody because they were physically challenged.
No. Frankly, I admire him.
I mean, really, when you think about the way he parked that boat,
it was unbelievable.
I mean, especially for somebody
with no depth perception as we know it.
Oh, yeah, you know, he's... He's good.
♪ Take your bundle and go, Caroline
♪ I said, take your bundle and go, Caroline
♪ Because I spend me moneys on rings
Where is she? She said she'd meet us out front.
What time is it? Would you just trust her?
Hi! Hi. How was it?
Oh, it was very cool. I got rain forests and shells.
Let's see.
See, I told you. Did I not tell you? I know, it was fun.
Hello! (HONKING)
Hi!
(CHUCKLES) Hi.
(MARTIN LAUGHS)
Now, you see? That's very friendly.
That's not what you get at home.
♪ Tell me where you been last night, Caroline ♪
MARTIN: I've done a lot of research,
and I've plotted out our course for the whole trip.
I know this is old stuff to you,
having been a helmsman on an aircraft carrier.
Oh, I just steered the Sara, boss. Don't really navigate.
Hey, swab, you wanna get me another brewski?
Sure. Hi, Mom.
What I mean is, you know these waters pretty well, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem there.
Besides, if we get lost,
we just gotta pull in somewheres and ask directions.
You know, Martin,
I've never heard of most of these places you have us stopping.
Kate, that's the point of the whole trip! This is an adventure.
Who wants to stay in a place like this every night?
See, and we can visit...
We can visit sponge fishermen there and an old monastery here,
fabulous rock formations, an old Spanish fort.
And then, if we stay on course and on schedule,
we'll be there for Carnival.
Where? (CHUCKLING)
There. San Juan.
Now, that sounds like fun to me.
Carnival. MARTIN: Yeah.
Where is that again exactly, boss?
Ah, San Juan.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, there it is. I'll just leave this with you, Captain Ron.
Yeah. That's good, boss. I'll give her a good study tonight.
MARTIN: So, I thought maybe we'd go below. KATHERINE: All of us?
MARTIN: No, just you and me.
KATHERINE: Oh. You and me, huh?
MARTIN: Kids?
I think Mom and I are gonna turn in. BEN: It's only 8:30.
Well, dawn comes early on a boat. Right, Cap?
Yeah. Right about that, boss! Happens every morning just about sunup.
But, you guys can certainly stay up on deck for a while if you want.
Maybe play a game or something.
Hey, now, there's a hell of an idea.
How about a little dollar poker?
Oh, Captain Ron, I think we'll just stick to Monopoly.
It's just... You know. No, I gotcha.
Come on, swab.
(HUMMING)
So, what do you think, baby?
First night in the boat,
waves lapping against the hull.
You, me, in our own floating palace.
Skipper, the palace walls are kind of thin.
We're not alone.
Aha! Thought about that.
Look at this. The shower...
And a little camouflage noise.
(SHOWER RUNNING)
(CHUCKLES)
(MARTIN LAUGHING)
KATHERINE: What are you doing?
MARTIN: What?
(HUMMING)
What's with you?
Party at the Dutch consulate. Nice map.
Nice dress.
If anyone asks, I went for a walk.
Okay? Mmm-hmm.
Hey!
(EXHALES)
Expensive night.
Well, now that you got a little coin in your jeans, swab,
I say we make the game interesting, huh?
Well, okay.
Ah, let's say 10 cents equals $100.
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
Mr. Big Stakes.
What's that sound?
Water pump. Oh.
Hey, get your hands off that.
I was just moving it. I wasn't gonna drink it.
You bet your little bootie you wasn't.
You want a beer, you get your own beer.
Mmm. Honey, wait.
Let me adjust the shower a tiny little bit.
(MOANING)
What's that? (LAUGHING)
A threesome! A mop!
Don't go nowhere.
Where am I gonna go?
MARTIN: Lucy, I'm home!
KATHERINE: Hello.
It suddenly got crowded again.
MARTIN: It's a little cramped in here. Oh, oh, wait.
I dropped the wash cloth. I got it.
Just wait a second. Ouch! Ow!
I gotta open the door. I gotta...
Hold on. Wait a second.
Stuck? It's stuck.
Hello.
Don't let it go down the drain!
Oh, it went down the drain.
(BLOWS)
All right! B&O Railroad.
That's a buck-twenty-five.
MARTIN: You just have to turn off the water, honey.
KATHERINE: I'm trying to turn off the water.
This is a piece of junk!
Try to turn it the other way. Okay.
Oh, shoot. What? Did you drop it?
(LAUGHS) Three houses, that's 375. That's 37 cents.
Well, that's half the money I have left.
Eh, shit happens. Cough it up.
(WATER PUMP RUNNING)
Oh, man. We're gonna run out of water.
Hang on a second.
Oh, by the way. You owe me $2.50 for the beer.
MARTIN: Just calm down. KATHERINE: I got it.
Oh, God.
Please don't let my children find me
drowned and naked in a shower!
(PUMP STOPS)
There. See? We're fine. We're fine. Oh, honey.
CAPTAIN RON: Uh, boss?
Yes, Captain Ron?
Uh, shouldn't take long showers. Eats up the fresh water.
Thank you for pointing that out.
Hey, boss?
MARTIN: Yes, Captain Ron?
You know you got a mop handle wedged up against the door here?
Yes, I'm... I'm well aware of that.
Thank you. (WHISPERS) I wasn't.
Here, boss, I'll just take...
No, no! (SCREAMING)
Oh!
Sorry, boss, I, uh...
No, that's fine.
(SIGHS)
Oh, I think everything's under control now, Captain Ron.
Yeah. I'll give you a hand cleaning up here.
KATHERINE: No, that's okay. That'll be fine. Thank you.
We're good. It's a lot of water.
Well, it's a boat. It'll soak in.
Well, I'll see you in the morning.
Yes.
Hey, you want me to close the door here, boss?
Yes! That would be nice. Thanks.
(DOOR CLOSES) KATHERINE: Oh, God.
CAPTAIN RON: Hey! Whoa!
Hey.
You wouldn't be trying to cheat Captain Ron, now, would you, swab?
No, honest. Uh, what happened?
Nothing. (CLEARS THROAT)
Playing hide the salami in the shower.
(GAGS)
Oh, come on, man!
MARTIN: Trip log, day five. At sea.
So far, our adventure has consisted of chipping, sanding,
painting and polishing.
But I am happy to report the boat is starting to look a lot better.
You know, all you have to do to make this look really great
is just clean up this wood.
(SCOFFS) Mom, it's all wood.
MARTIN: However, I do have concerns... Ow!
...about certain other aspects of the voyage.
(FLY BUZZING)
(GRUNTS)
Whoa! (OBJECTS CLATTERING)
(BLOWS)
(BUZZING)
(CHUCKLES)
BEN: Aw, man!
(GRUNTING)
Dad, sander doesn't work.
Here, I'll fix you up.
(INDISTINCT)
Oh, Captain Ron?
(SCREAMS)
Yeah, boss?
(ENGINE STOPS)
CAPTAIN RON: Man overboard!
What now?
MARTIN: Could someone throw me a line?
Honey, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm... I'm fine.
Hang on, hang on. Don't worry, Kitty, this could happen to anybody.
Hang on, boss. (MARTIN GRUNTS)
Always stand clear of the ladder, boss.
MARTIN: Concern is increasing about our captain.
He lost our ladder.
Doesn't navigate.
And, in my opinion, steers badly.
CAPTAIN RON: Jib. ALL: Jib.
CAPTAIN RON: Staysail. ALL: Staysail.
CAPTAIN RON: Mainsail. ALL: Mainsail.
Mizzenmast. ALL: Mizzenmast.
Mizzen boom. ALL: Mizzen boom.
Mizzen halyard winch. ALL: Mizzen halyard winch.
What is this all of a sudden, Full Metal Jacket?
Honey, you gotta learn the basics.
And you got to be prepared. That's right.
I'm not talking Boy Scout prepared.
I mean big-time prepared.
Well, prepared for any kind of normal accident.
This is the Caribbean, guys.
El Caribe. The Spanish Main.
This is the land of voodoo and hoodoo and all kind of weird shit.
Whoa! So cool.
Yeah, I think all we really have to say, Captain Ron,
is that it's important to know the fundamentals
and they're not that hard, right?
Right. Right, any dope can learn this stuff.
Now, boss. This rigging, standing or running?
(MIMICS BUZZER SOUND) Kitty?
Red running, blue standing. Standing.
(CLICKS TONGUE) You got it!
(LAUGHING) I got it! I got it, I got it.
Come here. Head of the class.
What is it? All right. Helm!
The big one up top? Mainsail!
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
♪ Well, all right We're jammin'
Okay, now remember,
when we get the sails up, you can't go dead into the wind.
You gotta take her off a little, right? Right.
A little this way. A little that way.
Uh-huh.
CAPTAIN RON: A ship's like a woman, responds to touch.
Power of the wind in the sails.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, man. Can you feel that?
Just gotta get your sea legs.
Now this way. Try it a little that way. KATHERINE: Yeah.
♪ We're jammin'
♪ To think that jammin' was a thing of the past
♪ We're jammin' ♪
Caroline, stop whining.
I'm not whining. I'm complaining.
You guys said the Caribbean!
I mean, St. Barths with Mick and Cher, some kind of Club Med thing,
not scrubbing decks on the S.S. Minnow.
(EXHALES) Honey, really.
(GROANS)
CAROLINE: I'm not kidding, Mom.
Being a galley slave holds no appeal to me.
Caroline.
Why can't we take a Princess Cruise if we want to be out on the ocean?
MARTIN: Captain Ron?
May I have the camera, please?
Yeah, sure, boss.
Here, uh, I just, you know, I saw it down below
and thought I'd take a look. I didn't use any film though.
Is that right?
Let me tell you something. This is not a toy.
Okay?
It's a highly complex piece of equipment.
I can see that, boss. I mean, there's all kind of buttons there.
It came with a 64-page instruction book.
(EXHALES) Back in a second.
I've read the entire thing. Have you?
I don't think so.
(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me. Captain Ron, I was wondering.
Are we gonna be going to any more, like, human-type places?
Well, you heard of Saint Croix?
(CHUCKLING) Yeah!
We're going to the island just to the left of it.
What's it called? Ted's!
Ted's?
It happens to have great historical significance.
Oh, yeah? Probably a sponge fishermen's convention there.
Or something more on rocks. Like we haven't seen enough rocks!
She's really a great girl, boss.
Oh, God, no.
Yep, I think you might've broke this, boss.
I did?
Hey, swab, get me another brewski!
MARTIN: Day ten.
Sailing lessons continue about as well as can be expected
under Captain Moron's direction.
(SCREAMING)
KATHERINE: Martin, are you okay?
CAPTAIN RON: Don't worry, Kitty, it could happen to anyone.
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHS)
Hey, swab.
Come here.
All right. Now, when you get down there,
grab it, yank on the line twice, and I'll pull you...
Ah, never mind, swab.
Listen, you go on with the boss and I'll take care of it.
MARTIN: I have to say, guys.
I think this is gonna be one of the high points of the trip. I really do.
CAROLINE: High points? This place doesn't even have a dock!
Yes, but it does have one of the best examples
of Spanish fortifications in the entire West Indies.
The cannons, the walls, they're all still here, everybody.
CAPTAIN RON: Hey, give me a double bongo bacon burger and a bongo dog, huh?
CAROLINE: Chips, double BB with bacon and a bongo dog.
KATHERINE: Honey, I don't get it. Why are you so upset?
The man took us to the wrong freaking island.
Martin.
Oh, I mean, come on. Everybody makes mistakes.
He's human. Oh, yeah? Prove it.
Hey, kids, what do you say we make the best of this and explore the island?
Dad, I just ordered my chili fries.
How much for the hat? Three bucks.
All right, looky there. See? Everything's fine.
Honey, the kids are happy. Captain Ron's taking us out to lunch to make up for it.
Let's just get something to eat, okay?
Katherine, Katherine,
I have worked very, very hard to plan a spontaneous adventure,
and Captain Contagious over there is screwing it up.
Throw some music on that jukebox, huh?
Hey, boss!
If you're going back, stay on the path.
You know, there's guerrillas in these woods.
Gorillas? Too cool.
(STAMMERS) Ben, honey, there are no gorillas, not here.
CAPTAIN RON: Oh, yeah, there is, boss.
Sorry, Captain Ron,
gorillas are native to equatorial Africa.
Okay? No gorillas. Not here. No way.
Honey, honey, stay on the path, okay?
(GROANS) Now he's got her buying it. Unbelievable.
I think he's got an attitude problem about you.
Who, the boss?
Nah! We're like this.
Well, I don't know. Some people do get jealous of me.
There's the Navy thing.
(MAMBO MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey. Mambo.
(LAUGHS)
How about it, babe?
Forget it. I can't dance to this junk. Nobody can.
No?
Check this out.
Come on, Kitty. You know how to move to this.
Oh, I can't dance in these rubber boat shoes.
Well, kick 'em off!
"Stay on the path, boss. There's gorillas in the woods."
Like I don't watch National Geographic every week.
(MUMBLING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
All right, Kitty! Yeah!
Martin and I used to go dancing all the time.
It shows.
(CHUCKLES)
If I find a single gorilla anywhere around here, I'll eat it.
(BIRDS SQUAWKING)
(HOWLING)
(EXHALES)
Gorillas. Right.
Mmm-hmm.
MARTIN: He could've said "revolutionaries,"
"freedom fighters." No.
Gorillas.
He did it on purpose.
You can see it in his eyes.
Excuse me, his eye!
Martin, he'll hear you.
Let him hear me.
You know, he did convince them to let you go.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot. We're dealing with a true humanitarian.
Let me see, there's Terry Waite, Desmond Tutu
and Captain Ron.
Pretty much the big three.
Hey, boss, I just wanted to tell you...
Oh. (CHUCKLES) A little more dry rot here, huh?
Ah, don't worry about it.
Listen, I fixed that winch handle you busted the other day,
so try and be a little more careful with it next time, all right?
Hey! What are you holding in your hand?
Winch drum. (CHUCKLES) That's my girl!
(GRUNTS)
Honey, don't start anything.
I'm just going down to get a bigger screwdriver. That's it.
(SIGHS) What difference does it make?
I'm sick of being the thimble.
Well, I'm the top hat, so you can't be that.
Be the battleship.
(GROWLING) I'm the battleship.
What's this? Monopoly.
No, this.
Two .45s and a MAC-10.
It's his total macho trip, Dad. Just ignore it.
Where'd they come from?
Captain Ron traded the guerrillas for 'em.
Yeah, I thought we got to have them, boss, 'cause, you know,
we're getting into pirate waters here pretty quick.
What pirates?
Pirates of the Caribbean.
Been to Disney World one too many times, have we, Captain Ron?
It's true, Dad. They come up on you in high-speed boats.
You know, I don't believe I've ever been to Disney World.
MARTIN: Oh, really?
I've been to Dollywood. You guys are making me lose count!
CAPTAIN RON: All right, all right, all right.
We are not having guns on this boat.
Dad, we got to be able to fight off the pirates.
Yeah, if we don't, you know, they could steal the boat.
There are no pirates of the Caribbean.
I don't know, Dad. That's what you said about the guerrillas.
And I was right.
He said gorilla, not guerrilla. Guer. Go.
Huge difference, kids. Huge difference.
(SPLASHING)
What was that?
Automatic weapons, Katherine. How about that?
Captain Ron thought we ought to have them to hold off,
and get this, pirates.
Pirates?
Yeah. He actually traded...
Hold on.
Captain Ron?
Yeah, boss?
What pirates?
Hold on, baby, please.
What did you trade for those guns?
Well, now, there's the beauty of it.
Nothing, nada.
See, they needed a lift into San Juan,
and since we was heading there tomorrow anyway...
Look, this is my boat. Do you understand? Yeah.
We aren't giving anyone a lift, especially a bunch of armed revolutionaries.
Whatever you say, boss.
I'll just give 'em the guns back and the whole thing will be off.
Is there a problem?
All right, fellas, come on, Give me a break here, will you? Sit down!
ALL: Yeah, yeah. Jesus!
Stand by to set the mainsail!
Here we go. (MUMBLING)
All right. Set the mainsail!
Hey, babe, don't just stand there watching them do it,
jump up there and guide those lines! Okay, okay.
Careful. Honey, be careful.
CAROLINE: Got it, Mom. MARTIN: Try to control your excitement, Caroline.
I love her show of enthusiasm, don't you?
(MUMBLING) (LAUGHING)
Wait, wait, it's not even hanked on. Hang on, now, wait.
Come here. Come here. All right, keep us on a heading of 2-7-0.
God damn it. Come on, you guys.
You've been through this. Doesn't take three to do this! What?
Babe, get on that winch. Boss, come up here with me. MARTIN: Yeah, okay.
CAPTAIN RON: Ease off on that winch.
Be careful with that. Yeah.
CAPTAIN RON: Let her up, let her up! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Come on up here, boss. Give me a hand.
All right there, bring it down, bring it down.
I'm telling you.
Gotta get these son of a bitches hanked on here. Okay.
Not gonna do any good floating out there in the breeze.
Yeah. Oh! I'm sorry. Hold on.
No, no. Mom, it goes this way. CAPTAIN RON: We're all set up. Take it up.
CAPTAIN RON: Today, guys! KATHERINE: Sorry, sorry.
Wait, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa! Hey!
Ow, my hand. Come around the other side.
You gotta come around here, boss! Watch what I'm doing here now.
All right, take it up.
All right. Hey! Now, you wanna go below,
and cut the engines, kill the fuel lines? Ready?
Yeah. There you go.
(GRUNTING)
All right, guys. Vamonos al frente.
Give these guys some room to work.
Kitty, babe, come on up here and jump on this mizzenmast.
Atta boy, swab.
Mmm.
Sails nice. Yes.
See what I'm talking about?
All right, Mom!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
MARTIN: Day 17 finds me in the clutches of revolutionaries,
and my family in the clutches of Captain Ron.
Next stop, Carnival in San Juan,
or so we thought.
Look, guys, you gotta believe me. You have not been kidnapped.
Captain Ron is a jerk.
He gets lost.
This is his second time in two days.
So... (CLEARS THROAT)
Of course, they don't understand English. I don't speak Spanish.
So, obviously communications are gonna be a hair thick.
Well, everything's cool, boss.
It's like I told you, you know.
We get lost, all we gotta do is ask.
What? Yeah, well, San Juan.
It's behind us about 20 miles. (CHUCKLES) But, you know, hey, listen.
The good news is that General Armando hardly blames you at all.
You know, I explained it to him.
It's the tides, man. They can either work for you
or they can work against you.
Hey!
I don't think she's waving at you, Captain Ron.
She's not? I sincerely doubt it.
Hey, Clarice! Babe, who you waving at?
Yeah, thought so.
You know, the second I saw Clarice, I knew where we was...
'Cause, you know, confidentially
I've had these problems with the tides before.
I'm coming! (CHUCKLES)
You know, every time I'm up this way,
she, uh, well, she wants my manhood, you know?
It's... It's...
Hey, have a good time, boss, 'cause I'm gonna.
Hang on. I'm coming.
(GIRL GIGGLING) CAPTAIN RON: Hey, got you!
Hey, come here. Put on a pound or two, huh?
Yeah, but in all the right places. (CHUCKLING)
Whoa! (LAUGHING)
(GIRL GIGGLING)
No, just rise above it, Marty.
Besides, you'll probably miss and hit the girl.
Dad! (SCREAMS) Don't sneak up on me like that!
Dad, it went through the deck!
Dad, the boat's on fire. (SCREAMS) Dad, the boat's on fire!
Mom!
Help! Oh!
BEN: Mom!
Dad set the boat on fire!
The boat's burning up!
Help, anybody! Help!
(GRUNTING)
KATHERINE: Martin, what happened, honey?
Are you all right?
What makes you think I'm not all right?
Still there?
KATHERINE: Well, I have to say, this was worth getting lost for.
This is absolutely gorgeous!
Ah!
I just wish that you could see it, honey.
I can see it. I just have these, you know, spots.
(GRUNTS) (GASPS) Sweetie, ouch!
Oh! No, I'm fine. I'm fine. It's...
What about Captain Ron? Can we talk about him?
I don't see how we can get rid of him. I mean, who's gonna drive the boat?
I can drive the boat, Kate. You know, I mean,
the Doctor says that by tomorrow, my retinas will be absolutely fine.
Well, I think we should wait until tomorrow.
We'll be in San Juan, back in civilization.
We can sit down and figure out what to do, right?
Tree. Thank you.
KATHERINE: You know, I have to admit I was against all this,
but getting those sails up this afternoon was quite a rush!
For all of us!
And today, I discovered something
in the cabin.
I could show it to you if you want.
GUERILLA: Uh, the American girls are very...
What's the word? Superficial?
Yeah. God, I really hate that. Mmm-hmm.
'Cause, like, I'm into different cultures
and different ways of doing things.
Like watching Mr. Ed on TV the other day,
and he's speaking French or something.
(LAUGHING) It was like, wow! He speaks French! That is so cool.
All right, General, you're up.
Aha.
Aha!
Boardwalk with three hotels, that's $6,000.
A penny to the dollar, that's $60 U.S. Diselo.
(CHUCKLES)
The General says that's all the money he has.
Tell the General, "Shit happens. Cough it up."
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
MARTIN: It's not like I hate the guy, you know, honey?
I mean, I don't hate anybody.
I can't wait for you to see this. It's so amazing.
What?
Come here. Look here.
Mom, can we get some drinks?
Yes, honey, they're in the...
Blue cooler. Okay?
I couldn't... Uh, could you get 'em for us?
Honey, you're a big boy. You can get 'em. Mommy and Daddy are busy. Okay?
I found this while i was strip...
Stripping these cabinets down here. Look here.
Here. Isn't that amazing?
Oh, that is... That's great.
Honey. Oh, your poor eyes. Come here.
Here, feel.
"C. G.
"plus C.L." Yeah.
C... Can you believe it?
C...
Didn't your uncle buy this boat from the Clark Gable estate?
Yeah. Well, it's Clark Gable plus Carol Lombard.
That is great! Great! Honey, think about it.
Gable and Lombard in this bed!
Oh, honey, with those cute little cherub guys up there and everything.
Isn't it just so amazing? And the ocean outside.
It's like the most romantic thing I've ever imagined.
Well, once we get to San Juan, no more Captain Ron, right?
Whatever you say, honey.
Hey, who's rocking the boat down there?
God! (LAUGHS)
(ROOSTER CROWING) MARTIN: It's the dawn of a new day!
Charged by the best sex that we've had
in, I would say, at least three years anyway,
if you don't count that one time in the car,
and the knowledge that Captain Ron is about to leave our lives forever,
I feel great!
Ah! Yes.
♪ I am a man A seagoing man
♪ And I've got a big, big, big, big... ♪
Honey, let's not forget we have guests on the boat,
if you know what I mean.
Hi, how's it going? Hi! Buenos dias.
Hi there. Good seeing you.
(GREETING IN SPANISH)
And como estas?
How you doing, guys? Good to see you. Right over there.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Good morning, boss!
You know, I, uh, spent the night ashore
'cause I figured the boat might be a little crowded.
Oh, that's mighty nice of you!
Let me ask you something. How long is it gonna take us to get to San Juan?
About four or five hours, tops.
And you're sure you know the way? Oh, yeah, no problem there.
Any fool could find it. Well, let's hope so, huh? (CHUCKLES)
Ah, don't worry, boss.
It's just a little squall. They come on you fast,
and they leave you fast.
KATHERINE: Okay, we have enough life preservers... Whoa! Whoa!
For each and every person, so don't panic. Whoa! Whoa!
Make sure they're fastened properly.
All right. Here's an example. This tie model.
They highly recommend a bow.
No hard knot, honey. You'll never get that undone.
Listen, everybody. Now, nobody should worry about this.
It's just a little squall.
You know, they come on you fast and they leave fast.
(GENERAL ARMANDO SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
Blub-blub-blub. Oh, no, no, no!
No, no, no blub-blub-blub. No hundir. No hundir.
We're not going to sink!
(GRUNTS)
You folks don't wanna be down here if she starts to break up.
Mom, my glasses broke and the lens fell out.
Honey, don't worry about your glasses. Just stay down there
and hold on tight, okay?
Honey, hold on!
There's no need to panic. We know where we are.
We've got our compass and we've got our chart.
You're right about that, boss. I've got it right here.
(YELLING) Hang on.
It's okay. It's okay.
We still have our compass.
The only instrument that Columbus had to get him to the new world
was his trusty compass. (SCREAMS)
Oh, don't lose that!
Hang on a second. Go ahead! Go ahead!
Grab onto that line! All right, everybody, listen to me.
Listen to me! Yes.
The boss is right. We should be okay,
'cause I know we're near land.
Great, Captain, great! Do you hear that?
We're almost there!
Explain to the kids how you know that, Captain Ron. All right.
Someone translate for General Armando. Si, yo.
(BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH)
All right. Now stay with me. Yeah, yeah.
When we left, (GUERILLA TRANSLATING)
we had just enough fuel to make it to San Juan,
and we are out of fuel!
(GUERILLA CONTINUES)
(QUESTIONS IN SPANISH)
(SCREAMING)
Oh man, he's gone stark crazy. I've seen this before.
Somebody grab his tongue.
Shove a stick in his mouth. Anything! (MUMBLING)
I see something!
Lights!
(LAUGHING AND SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
Oh look! Look, it's land!
Honey, look! Look!
MARTIN: Day 20. Survived storm at sea.
Captain Ron is proving to be more cunning than originally suspected.
(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)
Honey, I just don't think we can fire him now,
because he got us through the storm.
Katherine, he almost got us killed in that storm!
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. I really... It's just that...
See, you don't totally understand, I don't think. He's eating my brain!
Okay? He's taking over our lives.
Honey, you're exaggerating. You really are.
Hey, look who I found dancing with all the pretty girls.
Ah, Dad, this is great. Ben, you don't have to wear those glasses.
I really don't mind. Honey, you know what? Let's not wear 'em. Okay?
No, Mom, I'm fine. Yeah, yeah. Kitty's right, swab.
You know, in major ports, I go without the patch myself
on account it puts some people off.
I don't like to draw attention to myself, so I lose it.
You know, I got news for you, Ron. If I had a hand mirror
right now, and you could get a load of... Caroline, come over here.
Whoa! That was so cool!
Great! Okay. Let's take a walk, shall we?
Now, you kids keep up. Okay. come on, let's go.
(GIGGLING)
Hi.
Yes, I will, in fact, admit
that I think Captain Ron's a little rough around the edges.
No, no, no. Honey, he is a psycho!
Well, you say psycho. I... I mean, what does that mean?
Swab, help me out. I lost my eye!
Do you see it? There it goes!
I love this. I love it!
I mean, think of it. This is an experience of a lifetime!
Hang on! Hang on! There it is! There it is!
BEN: Excuse me.
CAPTAIN RON: Will you please back off? I lost my eye, man.
And, honey, Caroline hasn't once mentioned being engaged.
And Ben... Yeah, Ben. Let me tell you something about Ben.
I wanted this to be a fantastic bonding experience
for the two of us, father and son.
Now, he's bonding all right. He's bonding with Captain Cyclops back there.
Honey, he's such a character!
Honey, where are the kids?
They're there. They're... Ben!
They were right there.
Caroline!
Benjamin!
(GRUNTS) Sorry. Caroline!
Benjamin!
Ben!
Katherine! Did you find them?
What? No. No.
Come on, forget it. Come on, get up.
It never did fit, anyway. Guess you gotta get 'em custom-made.
Hey, where's Mom and Dad?
I'm just saying, I don't think it was smart
to mention that we brought revolutionaries onto the island.
I'm not trying to start a fight. It's just my opinion.
I was just trying to impress upon them
the kind of person I think Captain Ron is. That's all.
Mr. And Mrs. Harvey? I'm Bill Zachery from the U.S. State Department.
I've got good news for you. Oh, you found our children.
No, but you're not being charged with subversion.
Hey, there's a break.
But you are being expelled from the island.
What? When? Now.
(BESITO EN LA BOQUITO PERFORMED BY WAO)
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
(SIRENS WAILS)
What in the Sam Hill is going on?
MARTIN: Caroline! Hi! You guys are back early, huh?
What are you doing? The meringue.
Honey, where is your brother? Oh. he's around here someplace.
You guys! See, it was Captain Ron's idea.
He didn't want us wandering around in the street
'cause he said something might happen.
So we found this band and these people and we just had a party.
Honey, we thought you were in some kind of trouble or something.
We were worried sick the whole time we were in jail.
You guys were in jail?
Just don't worry about jail, okay? It's a long story.
Who's this guy? This is Mamba.
Oh, he doesn't speak a lot of English, but he's really cute.
And he's a local artist, and Mom, Dad guess what.
Don't tell me. You're engaged?
Right? No, I didn't get engaged! Come on.
I got tattooed.
What? Mamba did it. It's, like, this cool little rose.
Are you saying... Honey, where did you get this tattoo?
At Mamba's shop. No, I mean, where on your body?
Mom, it's kind of private. You let a guy
with a spider on his head
tattoo you someplace "kind of private"? Dreadlocks, Daddy!
Well, you know, Dad, things could be a lot worse. How?
Hey, what happened to the music?
Uh-oh. Coming through. 'Scuse me, beep-beep.
KATHERINE: Sweetie! MARTIN: Come back here!
Excuse me. 'Scuse me, folks.
Ben! Honey!
Ben!
Whoa!
Ben! (GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
(FOOTSTEPS) Whoa! You hurt?
See, I told you not to leave those bottles laying around!
You cretin!
Angeline's no cretin, boss. She's a Puerto Rican.
I'm not talking to Angeline. We're just playing a game, Dad.
Strip Monopoly. MARTIN: What?
Well, that's just because we ran out of money, see.
I mean, she is kicking our ass here, right?
Where's Ben? He went that way.
KATHERINE: Don't hide from me, sweetie. You tattooed my kids.
Who is this guy? Already I don't like him a lot.
Dad, it's fake. It washes off. Oh, thank God.
Thank God.
Caroline's is fake too? No, that's real, boss.
That's primo work.
You're fired.
(INDISTINCT CHEERING)
Boss! Boss, wait a minute.
Come on, let's at least have a dialog here, boss, huh?
Captain Ron, I'm really sorry.
But really, giving the children beer,
and bringing that woman around!
We just can't have it.
BEN: Angeline's okay. Roscoe's the jerk.
Yeah, we saw Roscoe on our way in.
And you'll be seeing him again, man, if I don't get paid $500.
For what? She had Park Place with three hotels, Dad.
Okay, let's go. Hang on. Just curb it a second, will you?
Look, boss... Former boss, what can I tell you, man? The woman had a system.
All right? I didn't get it figured out till just before you guys got back.
Now, if you let us back in that game,
I'm completely positive we can whittle that down some.
You whittle yourself out of my life, okay? And, you,
Miss Park Place, tell Roscoe you're not getting Jack!
I wouldn't do that, boss. Well, I would. You're outta here. Beat it!
Get your tattoo back on that boat! Daddy, you're embarrassing me.
I'll do more than that if you don't get going. Move!
Caroline.
Oh, man.
Well, you know, it'll take some time to get over this.
But we'll get by somehow, we always do.
I didn't think we would survive this.
MARTIN: Don't worry, baby. In a couple days,
we'll be in Florida, we'll sell this stupid thing and go home.
We'll just forget about the whole thing.
You know, it's something that seemed like a good idea at one time.
Martin? Martin, you know that Roscoe man?
Honey.
The pirates of the Caribbean!
What?
Oh, no.
So, think we'll ever see our boat again?
Hey, guys, hurry! Wake up.
What? Sharks! What? What?
We're gonna die! No, land!
What? Where?
Paddle, everyone. We're gonna live!
KATHERINE: Okay.
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
Okay. It's land! It's land!
Honey. Ooh!
Oh, Dad! (GASPS) Sorry!
(CHEERING)
This is so heavy. Whoa!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER, CHEERING)
BEN: Where is it? Honey, I don't care where it is. It's dry land.
Yeah! Let's find a hotel.
Okay, now. First things first. Okay.
Just calm down, stay here. I'm gonna find out exactly where we are. Okay?
Now, in five-and-a-half hours, the stores open,
we can get some clean, dry clothes.
So, in the meantime, I want everyone to dry off as best they can.
Back to the raft! Back to the raft!
What? Go, get in the raft. Just get in, get in.
Back to the raft! Martin, what is it?
(KATHERINE READING IN SPANISH)
Prohibit to pass.
Look, let's just go to the most important part of the sign, shall we?
Cuba. We're in Cuba?
Wouldn't you just know it?
What's so bad about Cuba?
Yeah, I agree with Caroline.
It's land. (SCOFFS) Yeah.
You're now agreeing with someone whose world view
is based on I Love Lucy reruns.
The world's changed a lot since Ricky Ricardo. Trust me.
Honey, they did the Today show in Cuba.
Oh, well, then let's just get some cigars and relax.
You don't have to be sarcastic. I'm not being sarcastic.
I'm just saying it's better that we're here.
If it's safe enough for the Today show, it's safe enough for us.
MARTIN: Now, listen. This is a communist country.
Since the breakup of the Soviet Union,
there's tension everywhere.
(INDISTINCT ARGUING)
(BANGS)
Dad!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Martin? (SHUSHING)
Is it possible that we've been drifting for 16 hours,
and we've ended up in the same spot as our boat?
Isn't that a little odd?
MARTIN: Relatively speaking, no. KATHERINE: Relative to what?
To the fact that the last three... Hey!
Creeps, stay outta my... What are you doing?
Stop, Caroline!
Good one, Caroline. Be quiet!
Everyone, be quiet!
(WHISPERING) All right. Now, what are we gonna do? What can we do?
The sun is almost up. We're in an unfriendly country.
We have no money, no passport, no reasonable explanation for even being here.
Well, we've got our boat. No, no, honey, I think if you look,
you'll notice the pirates have our boat.
You know what?
It's still our boat. We cleaned the stupid thing. We sailed it. It's ours.
What do you expect us to do? Well, honey, I think she expects us to get it back.
(CHUCKLES) Think about it, Katherine.
Bloodthirsty, heavily-armed pirates against the Harvey family.
Guys, it would take a miracle.
(HONKING)
(MEN SCREAMING)
Yeah!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
BEN: It's Captain Ron! All right, get in.
What the hell are you doing? Creating a diversion so I can rescue you.
We don't need you to rescue us. Honey, I think we do.
Get in! Get in! Hurry! (SCREAMING)
Pirates, just like you said, Captain Ron.
Yeah. Pirates are easy. It's the Cuban cops you gotta worry about.
Grand theft auto is a major biggie around here.
MARTIN: Grand theft auto? (YELLING)
You stole this car? Borrowed it, boss.
KATHERINE: Are there seat belts?
How'd you know where to find us, Captain Ron?
Didn't. You just got lucky. That's your opinion.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(HUMMING)
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
(CLANGING, SCREECHING)
Huh?
(SCREAMING)
What happened?
(SCREAMING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(PIRATES SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
All right, you fire up the boat, boss.
I'll take 'em around again and ditch the pirates! No!
KATHERINE: Honey, we'll be right back!
Oh! (TRUCK HONKING)
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
(CLANGING) Ow!
(GRUNTS)
(ENGINE GRINDING)
Sh... Come on. (ENGINE GRINDING)
Watch this!
(CHUCKLING) You jerks!
That was so cool. You totally faked those guys out.
I'm really glad you're back, Captain Ron. And I'm there for you, swab.
Dad, he tries, but he usually screws things up. Not like you.
CAROLINE: Lighten up. You know, Dad does the best he can.
I mean, it's not his fault that...
(STARTS ENGINE)
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
Start!
I hate you. I hate everything about you, you stupid, ugly-looking...
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
All right, everybody grab their shit!
Come on. Come on.
Oh, no, he hasn't gotten it started yet. Hang on. Hang on a second.
Mom? Uh, you guys wait here a minute,
and I'll see if I can give him a hand.
Come on. It'll be okay.
Oh! Kids!
(YELLING)
Oh, shit. KATHERINE: Come on! On the top, quick!
KATHERINE: Ben, get down and stay down. Okay.
KATHERINE: Hurry, up on the bow.
Mom, slack off.
Look!
Okay, all aboard!
(ENGINE REVVING) Yes! Good!
Off we go.
(GASPS) Sorry, boss.
Fell. I think I broke my leg.
BEN: Dad, help! Dad!
(SHOUTING)
BEN: Dad, help! Dad!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Dad! Dad!
BEN: Dad, over there!
Whoa! (WHOOPING)
Wow!
CAROLINE: Look, Mom! Did you see that?
Well, just don't sit there. Someone pull me in, come on.
Kids, grab the main sheet! Bring him in!
BEN: Caroline, come on! CAROLINE: Hold on, Dad!
BEN: We gotcha, Dad. We gotcha. Hold on.
A couple more feet, then you're here, Dad.
Pull me in. Okay. Okay, come on.
All right! Oh, Dad!
That was the coolest thing I've ever seen.
You say that now! Okay, just tie this up, okay?
Yeah, okay. Ben, grab the line.
BOTH: Martin, are you all right?
(LAUGHING)
Yes, I'm fine. Captain Ron broke his leg, though, I think.
What? Oh. I'm serious. Better go see.
Yay, Dad! Yay, Ben!
Kitty, that's all right. I'm...
(GRUNTS)
Stupid pirates. Who do they think they are, anyway?
I just wish we had it all on video. Oh, Daddy.
That's a good idea. We'll do that. Okay, okay.
That was so cool! Did you show those guys or what?
You know about broken bones, huh? Yeah.
I took a Red Cross first aid course.
It shows. Yeah.
All right, here.
All right, now, we're gonna get a splint.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, shoot! I was supposed to do the splint first. That's all right.
All right, kids. Nothing can stop us now.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
You go tell the boss there's a small island out there.
All right? Los Palominos. It's on the chart. Okay.
All we gotta do is get there, everything's Jake.
We're out of Cuban waters.
Do you smell something?
Dad, what's that?
Oh, my God!
(ENGINE SPUTTERS, STOPS)
KATHERINE: Martin?
Okay, okay, now, hold on.
(GRUNTS) Not much point, boss.
Bearings just burned out. Well, what does that mean?
It means I forgot to fill it with oil.
Well, what do we do? There's gotta be something.
Well, Captain Ron can we... Not this time, swab.
I'm kind of out of action here.
Bone's about to punch through the skin.
Boss, them pirate guys usually don't like to lose.
It's an honor kind of a deal with them.
Mr. Harvey,
I crossed these guys once before.
And they can get to be a little... Little messy, you know what I mean?
Okay, on deck. We're gonna get the sails up.
Dad, we don't... Yes. You wanna save this boat or not?
Then let's go. Okay. You heard your father. Come on. Move it, quick.
Yeah! That's more like it. Now you're talking!
You can do it, mates! I've never seen such sailors,
not in all my born days, I ain't.
Naturals! By God, everyone of you's naturals.
We're gonna fucking die.
MARTIN: Okay, you all know what to do.
(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
Man!
MARTIN: Caroline, get the gaskets! CAROLINE: Yeah.
MARTIN: All right, Katherine, on the mizzenmast. Ben, tail the main sheet.
CAROLINE: I got the staysail.
MARTIN: Go, Katy, go!
We're too far into the wind.
We gotta bring her around. Okay.
Caroline, come here!
(GRUNTS)
Right. Sorry.
Go! Pull back.
Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
MARTIN: Pull! CAROLINE: I'm trying.
Come on, you're a tough babe. You've got a tattoo.
Dad, it's just a little tattoo.
Well, then, be a little tough, then. (GRUNTS)
Hey, Guantanamo, wake up!
(CHUCKLING)
(GRUNTS)
(WIND GUSTING) Atta boy, boss. You got the wind now!
(GRUNTING) Okay. Okay.
All right, go, go, go. I got it.
Just hang on. Yeah, I got it.
Okay, got it.
Got it? Yeah!
Wow! It's awesome, Dad.
Dad!
Maybe it's nobody.
Yeah, maybe.
Hey, come on, man. We're doing our job out here. You guys do yours.
These people are taxpayers.
(SCREAMING)
Oh, geez! Gunplay!
Let's go. What are you, born stupid? Stay down!
Stay calm. They're not gonna shoot at me and my family!
What are you doing?
You blew a hole in our boat with this, and I'm gonna blow a hole in their boat!
Fellas, this is a serious call for help out here!
That's different. We have dry rot.
Hey, there are children on this boat!
We have had enough...
Whoa! Mom's pissed!
...of you!
Huh? Huh?
How much did you pay for this thing?
BEN: Mom! Mom! Over there! (HONKING)
Look! Look!
CAROLINE: What's that? That's the U.S. Coast Guard!
(CHEERING)
We're the Harvey family. We're from Chicago.
(INDISTINCT CHEERING)
I'll try to get them on the radio before they start shooting at us.
We're Americans!
(LAUGHING)
All right, Coast Guard! Kick ass!
(LAUGHING, CHEERING)
Hey!
Uh, leg feels a lot better now, boss.
Yeah, I've always been a fast healer.
You know. Of course, I believe in Jesus, so that helps.
OVER RADIO: U.S. Coast Guard cutter Daniel Peerman
calling 60-foot catch off Los Palominos Island.
Come in, please.
This is the Wanderer. Go ahead.
Commander L. W. Morgan sends his greetings, sir.
May we speak with the Captain, please?
Over.
That's you, boss.
You're the captain now.
MARTIN: Day 30, new log,
old log having fallen into the hands of the pirates of the Caribbean.
We said goodbye to Captain Ron today.
He hadn't been in the States for seven years.
Something about the statute of limitations.
I didn't ask questions.
He kept his promise to Ben, promoting him from swab to mate.
You're a mate now. Bye, Captain Ron.
He traded hair-grooming tips with Caroline.
(CHUCKLES)
We're gonna miss you.
And he kissed Katherine. In fact, I think he French-kissed her.
You're a lucky man, boss.
Then, as suddenly and as mysteriously as he'd come into our lives...
Captain Ron!
...he was gone,
and our adventure was over.
Come here.
Got that Harvey boat coming in a few minutes.
As soon as we sign the papers, I wanna pull it outta the water.
You want it surveyed? (CHUCKLES) Nah, it's a piece of junk.
It's been stripped. The engine's had it.
In fact, set her down back there,
and we'll cut her up for scrap next week.
Salvage what we can.
Got it? Good. Patti, let's go.
Just think, guys. Tomorrow at this time, we're gonna be home.
(SIGHS)
Yes.
Well, the way I look at it, we can do one of two things.
Sell the boat, go back to Chicago, get back in our old routine,
or don't!
MARTIN: Okay, coming about!
BEN: Good going! (CAROLINE SCREAMS)
(INDISTINCT CHEERING)
Hey! Hey!
Where you going?
KATHERINE: Outta the way. Here comes the Harvey family!
Hey, over here!
CAROLINE: Hey, where we going?
Where we going, skipper?
I don't know.
(IMITATING CAPTAIN RON) But if we get lost,
we'll just pull in somewheres and ask directions.
(SIGHS) Oh, boy.
Look at that, Barbara.
(CHUCKLES)
You think we'll ever be able to do that?
Yeah, sure you will, boss.
I guarantee it.
All right, Babs, let's light the fires and kick the tires, huh?
Uh, hey. Push that back.
Hang on a second. (ENGINE REVVING)
Whoa! Looks like you forgot to cast off there, boss.
That's okay. It could happen to anybody.
Listen, we just thought we'd check the boat out today, you know.
You know, 'cause we just got it yesterday. Ah, don't worry.
Best thing to do is get her out on the ocean, boss.
Anything that's gonna happen is gonna happen out there, right, Babs?
Yeah. Yeah, listen. Whoa! Whoa.
Yeah, well, just take it easy 'cause there's a lot of boats out there!
Ah, don't worry about it. They'll get out of our way, believe me.
I learned that driving the Saratoga.
(HORN BLOWING)