1 00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:26,484 (♪ energetic pop) 2 00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:29,237 (man) Tired of the same old you? 3 00:00:29,321 --> 00:00:33,408 Tired of being out of shape and out of Iuck with the opposite sex? 4 00:00:33,492 --> 00:00:37,120 Tired of being overweight and under-attractive? 5 00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:38,746 Yeah! 6 00:00:38,831 --> 00:00:40,581 Oh, hello. 7 00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:46,212 I'm White Goodman, owner, operator and founder of GIobo Gym America Corp. 8 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:50,383 I'm here to tell ya that you don't have to be stuck with what you've got. 9 00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:53,010 Hey, Rory. Looking good. 10 00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:58,641 At Globo Gym we understand that "ugliness" and "fatness" are genetic disorders, 11 00:00:58,684 --> 00:01:01,060 much like baldness or necrophilia, 12 00:01:01,145 --> 00:01:05,314 and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it. 13 00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:09,152 That's where we come in. (laughs) 14 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:12,488 Globo Gym employs a highly trained, quasi-cuItural staff 15 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:15,533 of personal alteration specialists. 16 00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:18,578 With our competitively priced onsite cosmetic surgery, 17 00:01:18,662 --> 00:01:21,873 we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning 18 00:01:21,957 --> 00:01:24,041 into a Franken-fine! 19 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:27,003 Of course, you'll still be you in a legaI sense, 20 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,797 but think of it as a thinner, more attractive, better you 21 00:01:29,882 --> 00:01:31,966 than you couId ever become without us. 22 00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:35,970 How do I know? WeII, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym, 23 00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:38,055 I'm also a client. 24 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:45,688 That's me, six years and 600lbs ago, before I knew how much I hated myself. 25 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:48,357 That aII changed once I founded Globo Gym. 26 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:55,198 But don't just take my word for it. Listen to these GIobo gymers teII you how it is... 27 00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:01,370 That feels good. 28 00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:04,832 Oh, the tickle machine. (giggles) 29 00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:09,212 Crash, no! Crash, out! 30 00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:11,798 Bad dog. No grundIe. 31 00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:16,260 Come on down and join the winning team, 32 00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:19,597 because here at GIobo Gym, we're better than you. 33 00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:21,891 And we know it. 34 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:24,060 Spare me. 35 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:35,822 Mr La FIeur, this is Doris from the Department of Water and Power. 36 00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:39,367 We'e been trying to reach you, but your phone was disconnected. 37 00:02:39,451 --> 00:02:42,995 We'll be shutting off your water and power at 5pm today 38 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,289 due to an eight-month overdue account. 39 00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:48,501 - Thank you and have a nice day. - (beep) 40 00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:52,797 This is Seth from Videorama. The foIIowing DVDs are now overdue. 41 00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:59,095 "Drunken Hussies 3", "Backdoor Patrol 5" and "Mona Lisa Smile". Thank you. 42 00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:17,488 Come on, baby, be there. Be there. 43 00:03:19,116 --> 00:03:21,200 (engine starts) 44 00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:27,707 It's gonna be a good day. I'm proud of you. 45 00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:32,587 (car creaks) 46 00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:44,348 (La Fleur) We're just around the corner. My gym's here. I promise we're almost there. 47 00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:46,309 You guys are lifesavers. 48 00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:49,437 I appreciate the effort. Don't pull a hammy over it. 49 00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:58,404 Gimme that garbage. ShouIdn't you be on a treadmiII? 50 00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:03,326 - Buenas días, o. - Hey, Peter. 51 00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:07,163 - How's my little tax sheIter this morning? - Everything's shipshape. 52 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:10,666 Don't hold out on me. What's happening? 53 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:15,838 It's just... I'm trying this new voicemail-dating thing. 54 00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:20,259 And, like, no one's even Ieft me a message, and it's been almost two months. 55 00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:22,929 There's someone out there for everybody. 56 00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,680 - You think? - AbsoluteIy. 57 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:29,477 In some cases, there's two somebodies for one person. I Iike to caII that "the jackpot". 58 00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:31,646 See you later, dater. 59 00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:35,608 - Hey, Peter. - Hey, Gordon. 60 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:38,110 - I'm wailing on my glutes. - Sounds great. 61 00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:42,406 I'm gonna shock the biceps later, then some cardio. Keep the body guessing. 62 00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:46,869 - I Iike to keep my body guessing. - Sure. I wanted to ask you something. 63 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,664 - Did you catch the game last night? - Can I say yes? 64 00:04:49,748 --> 00:04:52,375 Amateur curling championships on ESPN8. 65 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:55,878 - I had no idea. - You missed a doozy. Really great stuff. 66 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:58,881 I feel dumb for asking, but how did you hear about it? 67 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:02,718 - OSQ. Obscure Sports QuarterIy. - Of course, the OSQ. 68 00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:05,471 Started reading it in coIIege, for the chicks. 69 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:08,224 - I'm gIad that worked out for you. - Thanks, Peter. 70 00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:10,893 - Bye. - Love the orange and love the headphones. 71 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:13,562 When I come back, I want you on a different machine. 72 00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,275 Ow! Ow! 73 00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:21,654 - You need a spot? - I'm cool, Pete. 74 00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:24,699 OK, come on. Let's get this out of here. You OK? 75 00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:29,078 - You're like a human Chinese puzzle. - Thanks, Pete. 76 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:31,497 All that weight is dangerous. 77 00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:36,127 It'II be worth it when I make the cheerleading squad. Prove to Amber that I'm not a loser. 78 00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:41,007 Hang on a second. You wanna become a cheerIeader to prove you are not a loser? 79 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:43,592 Yeah. Why? 80 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,470 Nothing. High schooI's changed a bit since I was a kid. 81 00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:50,599 Plus, aII anyone ever remembers is what happened at last year's tryouts. 82 00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:52,727 I'm the laughing stock of the school. 83 00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:57,982 I'm sure it's not that big of a deal. What happened at Iast year's tryouts? 84 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:01,152 Justin Redmond. Ready and super-psyched. 85 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:04,905 - Hey, Amber. - Hi, Justin. Good luck. 86 00:06:04,990 --> 00:06:08,909 Good Iuck... to you, making your judgments. 87 00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:12,580 And from the girls' line, we need girl number... 88 00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,207 00, Martha Johnstone! 89 00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,001 (shrieks) 90 00:06:18,253 --> 00:06:22,631 Whoa! 91 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:25,176 Toss to hands, liberty and cradle out, OK? 92 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,888 I'm not wearing any panties. 93 00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:33,309 Ready? One, two... 94 00:06:36,188 --> 00:06:38,272 Liberty, ready? 95 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,870 - Dude. - (girl) Can he breathe? 96 00:06:59,211 --> 00:07:01,212 - Wow. - Yeah. 97 00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:05,925 - It was the worst. - Don't worry about this Amber situation. 98 00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:09,136 - It'II all work itself out in the end. - Thanks, Pete. 99 00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:11,514 You'II Iaugh at this one day. I'm laughing. 100 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,767 Go at your own pace. That's what it's there for. 101 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:16,769 (yeIIs) 102 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:20,648 - Who goes there? - It's me. It's Peter. 103 00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:23,859 Oh. 104 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:28,197 'Tis about the matter of payment for me membership. 105 00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:30,324 Steve be a touch short this month. 106 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,535 That's all right. Just pay me when you get the money. 107 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:37,039 The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt. I'II make a barter with you. 108 00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:43,087 In exchange for your kindness, I'II be spIitting me buried treasure with you. 109 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,214 Once I find it, that be. 110 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:50,553 I'm flattered by the gesture, but a couple of bucks here and there will be fine. 111 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:52,721 Thanks, Peter. 112 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:55,474 - I'll be on the StairMaster. - OK, Steve. 113 00:07:55,559 --> 00:07:59,645 - Next time, maybe just say "hello". - Gar! 114 00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,570 Hello. 115 00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:10,573 It's not my birthday till next month, but terrific. 116 00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:12,908 I'm so sorry. Hi. 117 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:16,912 I'm Katherine Veatch with Hawthorne Stone. 118 00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:20,082 - Your bank? - Right. My bank. 119 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:24,670 - You are very attractive for a banker. - Thank you. I'm not a banker, I'm a Iawyer. 120 00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:28,382 Really? What kind of law are you involved in, pretty eyes? 121 00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,968 - SexuaI harassment, mostly. - Oh. 122 00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:35,264 But I also handIe real estate and tax law, which is why I'm here. 123 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:38,851 - This pIace is in defauIt? - No. You're in forecIosure. 124 00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:41,937 You were in default when we sent you delinquency notices. 125 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:45,191 - I thought those were just warnings. - They were warnings. 126 00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:50,196 No one warned me. What happens now? I make my payments out to somebody else? 127 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:53,991 You have 30 days to pay the balance of your mortgage, or you Iose your gym. 128 00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:57,703 Perfect. What's the damage? What do I owe you? 129 00:08:57,787 --> 00:08:59,538 $50,000. 130 00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:06,086 Personal cheque gonna be OK? Might have to wait till the end of the month to cash her? 131 00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:10,758 I do have to switch some funds. The charity I like to work with is gonna take a hit. 132 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:14,303 Mr La Fleur, I can assure you this is a very serious situation. 133 00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:18,140 Yeah. This is extremely serious, Mrs Veatch. 134 00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:23,604 It's Ms. I'll need to review all of your financiaI statements and assess any tax liabiIities. 135 00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:26,607 AbsoIutely. I don't know how you say "Ms" for "Mr", 136 00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:29,485 but if there was a "Ms Mr", I'm a Ms as well. 137 00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:34,531 You do keep financial records? Invoices, revenue reports, taxabIe income. 138 00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:37,868 You kidding? I got a cIoset full of 'em. I call 'em keepers. 139 00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:46,460 - ProbIem is I've never really filed them. - No kidding. 140 00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:50,005 Just out of curiosity, who wouId want to buy this place anyway? 141 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,883 Come on, squeeze it, squeeze it. 142 00:09:52,968 --> 00:09:56,929 Yeah, come on, come on. Get it up. 143 00:09:57,013 --> 00:10:00,474 - One more, bitch! One more, bitch! - Aaargh! Whoo! 144 00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:03,352 Yeah! Yeah! 145 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,938 - Now you're my bitch! - Yeah! 146 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,693 Yeah, baby! 147 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:14,571 Involuntary spasm. Look at the show. Enjoy the show. 148 00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:16,532 Whoo! 149 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:20,619 This a bad time? I could come back. Looks like some real dude sweat going on. 150 00:10:20,704 --> 00:10:25,082 Add three pounds to the scales in the women's Iocker room before you go home. 151 00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:30,004 Refreshment? I've got protein paste, carb Iaxative... 152 00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:34,258 - Oh! Suffocated kumquat, perhaps? - I'm trying to cut down on those. 153 00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:37,052 - They're good. They are good. - Know what you mean. 154 00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:39,221 WaIk with me. 155 00:10:42,517 --> 00:10:45,978 Hey, Brianna. Cellulite seminar tomorrow, 0600. 156 00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:50,149 Nice job, Susie. You call that a sit-up? 157 00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:52,735 Don't sIack, Trevor. I'm watching you. 158 00:10:52,777 --> 00:10:54,570 There's a good energy in the gym. 159 00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:56,572 Let me guess why you're here, Pete. 160 00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:59,575 Because I bought out the second mortgage on your gym. 161 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:04,747 You've got 30 days to make $50,000, or your gym becomes my gym. 162 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:07,041 I know we've had our differences... 163 00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:10,878 Is that what you caII sleeping with three of my female trainers? 164 00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:12,004 It was one night. 165 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:15,591 Or the strip-o-gram you sent me for the Globo Gym one-year anniversary? 166 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:19,094 - It was meant to be congratulatory. - It was also a man. 167 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,472 Let's not get hung up on details. 168 00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:24,183 - We're both professionals. - Oh, reaIIy? 169 00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:27,353 Last I heard, my gym makes money. Yours doesn't. 170 00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:31,273 My gym's worth over $4 million. Your gym isn't worth four. 171 00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:35,736 I have shareholders. You haven't even got... cupholders. 172 00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:38,155 - Why would I want cupholders? - The point is 173 00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:41,283 Globo Gym is a beacon of human physical perfection. 174 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,452 A benchmark in the fitness community. 175 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:48,499 Your "gym" is a skid mark on the underpants of society. 176 00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:53,253 See, Peter, I wasn't born expecting the worId to do me any favours. 177 00:11:53,338 --> 00:11:56,465 I earned this body and I built this tempIe 178 00:11:56,508 --> 00:12:00,219 out of nothing more than a littIe can-do attitude and elbow grease. 179 00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:03,222 And a Iarge inheritance from my father, Earl Goodman. 180 00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:09,436 So if I choose to level Average Joe's to buiId a parking structure for my members, so be it. 181 00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:11,772 There's nothing you can do about it. 182 00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:16,944 In 30 days, I'II be buIIdozing that shit-heap you call a gym into permanent nothingness. 183 00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:22,408 I can only hope that you, and the mongrel race that comprise your membership, 184 00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:25,160 are inside it when I do. 185 00:12:25,829 --> 00:12:28,080 Show Mr La Fleur out. 186 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:30,207 Turn it up high, Reggie. 187 00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,669 I wanna burn. 188 00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:40,426 So that's the deaI. We got 30 days to raise $50,000, or Average Joe's is history. 189 00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:43,053 I got ten minutes. I'll open it up to some Q&A. 190 00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:48,142 No need to raise your hands, it's an open forum. OK, Owen, kick us off. 191 00:12:48,226 --> 00:12:52,020 Yes, Peter, - and I'm just spitballing here - 192 00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:56,733 but why don't we pay it off in Canadian dollars and save some money? 193 00:12:56,860 --> 00:13:00,988 Just so you know, if that's a route you want to follow, it's 50,000 American. 194 00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:04,491 It wouId be 70,000, roughly, Canadian dollars. 195 00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:09,663 - How are we gonna come up with $120,000? - Owen, you don't add them together. 196 00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:14,042 Technically, Peter, I'm sorry to say this, but it's more like $73,313... 197 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:17,838 It doesn't matter. We can't come up with $50,000. We're screwed. 198 00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:19,756 Gar. 199 00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:25,179 - It's an insurmountable amount of money. - No, it's not insurmountable. Come on! 200 00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:28,265 We can't just sit back and let Globo Gym take us over. 201 00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:31,435 Average Joe's is too important. 202 00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:33,812 Where do you go when your wife changes the Iocks? 203 00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:35,856 - Average Joe's. - Right. 204 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:39,818 Dwight, Owen, what will you do if Joe's goes under? Work at the airport? 205 00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:43,822 - I ain't working at no airport again. - No! Cos you hated it. 206 00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:48,202 And, Steve, where do you go to do... whatever it is that you do? 207 00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:52,748 - Gar. Joe's be the onIy place for Steve. - Gar! You're right! 208 00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:57,669 Do you see? There's no way I can go back to working out at my high school. 209 00:13:57,754 --> 00:14:01,507 They'd Iaugh at me there. Lock me in lockers, make me eat clay. 210 00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:04,551 But not here, not at Joe's. 211 00:14:04,636 --> 00:14:09,556 I need this place. You guys need this place. Come on! 212 00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:14,978 I got it. I know how we can raise the money. 213 00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:17,689 - How? - Car wash! 214 00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:19,525 Ha ha ha! 215 00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:22,236 (♪ "MiIkshake" by KeIis) 216 00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:37,751 What are the chances? Same day, right across the street? 217 00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:39,711 The girIs beat us fair and square. 218 00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:45,842 I am gonna be a gentleman about it and congratulate every one of them, personally. 219 00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:50,556 Guys! Not to be a nay-sayer or anything, but the only customer we've had 220 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:55,185 is that weird guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck. 221 00:14:57,188 --> 00:14:59,231 (dog growIs) 222 00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:05,195 That's it, boy. Get in there nice and deep, like. 223 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:10,492 - That's not good. - Gar. This sucks. 224 00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:19,585 Aagh! 225 00:15:21,796 --> 00:15:24,798 Relax, Justin, it's just a cutout. 226 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:29,261 (White) At Globo Gym, we're better than you and we know it. 227 00:15:29,345 --> 00:15:32,222 Sign up now. 228 00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:34,558 Do you smell that fitness? I do. 229 00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:37,102 Rock it and shock it, baby. 230 00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:39,229 You gotta burn it to earn it! 231 00:15:39,314 --> 00:15:43,275 - What's in the envelope? - Free 30-day memberships to Globo Gym. 232 00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:47,195 - Cool. - It's a joke. He sent it to us as an insuIt. 233 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:51,241 Maybe we could sell 'em for cash cos the car wash cost us money. 234 00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:53,910 - We're further away from saving this place? - Yes. 235 00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:56,622 - We'II never raise enough money. - This bIows. 236 00:15:56,706 --> 00:15:58,707 Guys, I know this is tough to take, 237 00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:02,878 but if an impromptu car wash doesn't raise us the $50,000 we need, 238 00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:05,130 I guess it just isn't in the cards. 239 00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:11,637 Trust me here. If there was any way in the world we could raise $50,000 in 30 days, 240 00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:14,056 short of robbing a bank, I'd do it. 241 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,433 - We could sell blood and semen. - Gar. 242 00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,352 What? Not mixed together. 243 00:16:18,436 --> 00:16:20,646 Guys, I love the enthusiasm, 244 00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:24,191 I love the energy here, but we're looking at this the wrong way. 245 00:16:24,275 --> 00:16:26,943 Let's celebrate the good times that was Joe's. 246 00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:30,447 We gotta start looking at this Irish-wake style. 247 00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:37,371 Let me be the first to say goodbye to Average Joe's. 248 00:16:37,455 --> 00:16:41,583 We gave it a hell of a run, guys. Now let's try to have some fun. 249 00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:45,128 I'm gonna put on "The Thong Song", and we'II tear this place apart. 250 00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:47,547 Wait, wait! Peter! Peter! 251 00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:50,467 We could play dodgeball. 252 00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:55,222 That's very nice, Gordon, but everyone's tired. Playing a game isn't gonna help. 253 00:16:55,306 --> 00:17:01,061 There's a tournament in Las Vegas. I feel so dumb I didn't think about it before. 254 00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:04,147 I read about the Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open 255 00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:06,441 every year in Obscure Sports Quarterly. 256 00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:09,194 Of course. That's a totally common thing. 257 00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:13,532 The best part is it's open to any team that wins a regional quaIifying match. 258 00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:19,413 - How is dodgebaII gonna get us the $50,000? - They have a cash prize for the winner. 259 00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:22,457 - How much? - $50,000. 260 00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:25,711 Guys, we are not gonna get $50,000 for pIaying dodgeball. 261 00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:28,964 - Why not? - None of us know how to play dodgeball. 262 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:33,635 I do. We played it in PE last year. They showed us this fiIm about it. 263 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:37,055 - Can you get your hands on that film? - Sure, I guess. 264 00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,808 Can we please try to be serious here for one second? 265 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:45,230 You said anything we could do to raise the money. This is that anything. This is it. 266 00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:48,734 Come on, show of hands. Who wants to play dodgebaII? 267 00:17:49,444 --> 00:17:51,820 Come on. 268 00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:57,784 - Come on, Pete. - (sighs) 269 00:17:57,869 --> 00:18:01,163 You guys had me at blood and semen. Come here. 270 00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:07,961 You want it, don't you, fat boy? 271 00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:10,005 You want that doughnut. 272 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,883 Go ahead and have a bite. 273 00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:16,928 Just a Iittle bite. One Iittle bite won't hurt you. 274 00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:19,598 (buzzing) 275 00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:21,892 (buzzing stops) 276 00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:24,186 (White) Oh, momma. 277 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:29,816 - Sir, Katherine Veatch is here to see you. - Give me 30 seconds and send her in. 278 00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:31,443 Yes, sir. 279 00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,960 Thank you. 280 00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:58,386 Oh, hello, Katherine. Good to see you. I didn't know you were dropping by. 281 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:02,057 - You asked me to come over. - Did I? 282 00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:06,186 Are you... reading the dictionary? 283 00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:11,483 You caught me. I like to break a mental sweat too. Grab a chair. 284 00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:17,739 So, I trust everything's going swimmingIy with our acquisition of Average Joe's? 285 00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:22,577 So far, yeah. There's a lot to do over there, so I shouId probabIy get back. 286 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:26,665 - That is a reaIIy interesting painting. - Oh, thank you. 287 00:19:26,749 --> 00:19:32,212 Yeah, that's me, taking the bull by the horns. It's how I handle my business. 288 00:19:32,255 --> 00:19:34,422 It's a metaphor. 289 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:38,718 - I get it. - But that actually happened, though. 290 00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:43,849 Anyway, we're a pretty tight-knit tribe here, but there's always room for one more squaw. 291 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:48,103 So, please, whatever you do, don't think of me as your boss. 292 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,772 - I don't. - I don't want to get into a formal thing. 293 00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:52,941 I'm White, you know. 294 00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:54,901 W-h-i-t. 295 00:19:56,904 --> 00:19:58,321 E. 296 00:19:58,406 --> 00:20:01,116 Thanks, Mr Goodman, but I'm contracted by the bank. 297 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,368 They just assigned me to your account. 298 00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:09,457 Right, well. You work for the bank. Bank works for me so, ipso facto, I'm your boss. 299 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:15,797 Point is, I would love to see your pretty little bone structure around here some more. 300 00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:18,049 There's no reason we need to be shackled 301 00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:22,345 by the strictures of the employee-empIoyer reIationship. 302 00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:25,015 Unless you're into that sort of thing. 303 00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:27,893 In which case, I got some shackIes in the back. 304 00:20:27,977 --> 00:20:31,688 I'm just kidding. But seriousIy, I've got 'em. 305 00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:34,524 I'm just doing my job, Mr Goodman. 306 00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:39,946 In fact, I actuaIIy prefer it over there. 307 00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:43,909 Really? You like it with those freaks over there in Loser-Town? 308 00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:47,245 They're not freaks. They're people, just Iike you and me. 309 00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:50,832 People? 310 00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:53,501 "People, just like you and me." Oh, man! 311 00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:57,380 That is what I love about you, Kate. You've got a "personality". 312 00:20:58,341 --> 00:21:05,680 That is rich. A real sauciness that I find extremeIy attractive. 313 00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:10,018 We shouId mate. 314 00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:11,895 - What? - Date. 315 00:21:11,979 --> 00:21:15,065 We shouId date some time. Socially. Go out and kick it. 316 00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:20,195 - Are you OK? - I'm fine. I just, uh, 317 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,322 threw up in my mouth a little bit. 318 00:21:23,491 --> 00:21:26,826 In some cuItures, they onIy eat vomit. 319 00:21:26,953 --> 00:21:30,747 I never been there but I read about it... in a book. 320 00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:34,584 I'm sorry, Mr Goodman. I don't date clients. 321 00:21:36,253 --> 00:21:38,046 I get it. 322 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,716 Don't crap where you eat. I understand. 323 00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:45,679 Me'Shell. Please escort Ms Veatch out. 324 00:21:46,597 --> 00:21:48,556 Oh! And, Katherine. 325 00:21:48,599 --> 00:21:51,559 Make sure my acquisition of that gym goes smoothly. 326 00:21:51,602 --> 00:21:54,896 They're up to something over there. I can smeII it. 327 00:21:58,985 --> 00:22:01,277 (hiss of air) 328 00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:08,076 (presenter) Über-American InstructionaI fiIms, teaching America's youth since 1938. 329 00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:16,710 Hey, there, Timmy! 330 00:22:16,794 --> 00:22:20,547 HoIy mackerel, mister! You scared the jeepers out of me. 331 00:22:20,631 --> 00:22:24,509 How'd you Iike to take a break from that fine lead-based paint, 332 00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:26,011 and Iearn about dodgeball? 333 00:22:26,095 --> 00:22:27,971 Boy, would I! 334 00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:31,808 Wow! 335 00:22:31,892 --> 00:22:35,228 - Where am I, mister? - You're in a Chinese opium den, Timmy. 336 00:22:35,312 --> 00:22:38,815 This is where dodgebaII was invented in the 15th century, 337 00:22:38,899 --> 00:22:41,234 by opium-addicted Chinamen. 338 00:22:41,318 --> 00:22:44,821 Back then, the Chinamen threw severed human heads at each other 339 00:22:44,947 --> 00:22:48,283 instead of the ADAA-approved baIIs we use today. 340 00:22:50,870 --> 00:22:51,953 ADAA? 341 00:22:52,038 --> 00:22:55,790 That's the American DodgebaII Association of America. 342 00:22:55,833 --> 00:23:01,379 DodgebaII is played with six pIayers on each team, and six rubber baIIs. 343 00:23:01,464 --> 00:23:04,758 The object of the game is to eIiminate the opposing pIayers. 344 00:23:04,842 --> 00:23:09,345 Once aII the players on one team are eliminated, the opposing team wins. 345 00:23:09,430 --> 00:23:13,516 Wow! I can't wait to get the feIIas together and pIay. 346 00:23:13,601 --> 00:23:15,393 (man) Whoa, whoa! 347 00:23:15,478 --> 00:23:18,396 Hang on a second there, sport. 348 00:23:18,481 --> 00:23:21,608 - Patches O'HouIihan! - (presenter) That's right, Timmy. 349 00:23:21,692 --> 00:23:27,739 Patches O'Houlihan. Seven-time ADAA All-Star is here to take you the rest of the way. 350 00:23:27,823 --> 00:23:31,493 - Jeepers. Really? - You betcha, champ. 351 00:23:31,911 --> 00:23:35,955 If you catch a baII that's thrown at you before it hits the ground, 352 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:39,417 the player who threw that baII is out, not you. 353 00:23:39,502 --> 00:23:44,339 PIus, another player from your team gets to come back into the game. 354 00:23:44,423 --> 00:23:47,967 - It's a two-pIayer swing. - Gee! Thanks, Patches. 355 00:23:48,052 --> 00:23:50,929 I can't wait to start my own team at schooI. 356 00:23:51,013 --> 00:23:53,181 Attaboy, Tiger. 357 00:23:53,224 --> 00:23:58,895 But remember, dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion and degradation. 358 00:23:59,021 --> 00:24:02,190 So, when you're picking players in gym class, 359 00:24:02,274 --> 00:24:06,444 remember to pick the bigger, stronger kids for your team. 360 00:24:06,529 --> 00:24:12,117 That way, you can all gang up on the weaker ones, Iike Winston here. 361 00:24:17,123 --> 00:24:20,041 Nice one, son. You'll be an all-star yet. 362 00:24:20,126 --> 00:24:23,711 Just remember the five Ds of dodgebaII. 363 00:24:23,796 --> 00:24:26,589 Dodge, duck, dip, dive and... 364 00:24:26,674 --> 00:24:28,299 dodge. 365 00:24:28,384 --> 00:24:31,427 Till next time. This is Patches O'HouIihan, 366 00:24:31,512 --> 00:24:36,266 saying, "Take care of your balls and they'll take care of you." 367 00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:40,728 OK, guys. Any questions? Great. 368 00:24:40,771 --> 00:24:45,650 I signed us up for the sub-regional qualifier tomorrow at the Waldorf rec centre. 369 00:24:45,734 --> 00:24:47,694 But we haven't even practised yet. 370 00:24:47,778 --> 00:24:51,614 We have to qualify for the Vegas Open. Tomorrow's regionaI's our last chance. 371 00:24:51,740 --> 00:24:57,162 Everyone, just relax. I've aIways found the best way to Iearn a sport is by playing it. 372 00:24:57,246 --> 00:25:00,081 If anyone needs me, I'II be in my office doing Mad Libs. 373 00:25:00,124 --> 00:25:02,417 Thanks, Peter. Appreciate that a lot. 374 00:25:02,543 --> 00:25:04,419 OK, I think everybody knows... 375 00:25:07,923 --> 00:25:12,051 - Don't you have an office of your own? - Yes, I do have an office. 376 00:25:12,136 --> 00:25:14,971 A very nice office with a view and air-conditioning. 377 00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:18,391 - Rub it in. - What I don't have in my office is a closet 378 00:25:18,475 --> 00:25:23,438 of 30 years of financial transactions, devoid of any filing system known to man. 379 00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:27,483 Hard to believe I only got a semester of junior coIIege under my belt. 380 00:25:27,568 --> 00:25:32,572 Do you realise you haven't collected any membership fees in 13 months? 381 00:25:32,656 --> 00:25:36,659 I'm curious. Is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goaI in life? 382 00:25:36,744 --> 00:25:40,496 I found that if you have a goal, you might not reach it. 383 00:25:40,581 --> 00:25:44,250 But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. 384 00:25:44,335 --> 00:25:48,796 I gotta tell you, it feels phenomenaI. 385 00:25:48,881 --> 00:25:52,175 I guess that makes sense, in a really sad way. 386 00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:55,011 Sad? You wanna know what's sad? 387 00:25:55,095 --> 00:25:57,180 Six grown men playing dodgeball. 388 00:25:57,264 --> 00:25:58,348 (Steve cackIes) 389 00:25:58,474 --> 00:26:02,644 Since I'm here, I'm gonna go ahead and do some abs, go shock it up. 390 00:26:02,728 --> 00:26:06,439 I like to work out aII the time for this kind of sporting event. 391 00:26:06,482 --> 00:26:09,359 Gotta be limber and Ioose. That's the only way to pIay. 392 00:26:09,443 --> 00:26:14,072 Hey, you guys take vitamins? I take vitamins all the time... 393 00:26:16,492 --> 00:26:18,868 DodgebaII, eh? 394 00:26:18,953 --> 00:26:23,957 If Peter La Fleur thinks a few red rubber balls can save his sorry gym, 395 00:26:24,041 --> 00:26:26,834 he's in for quite a surprise. 396 00:26:35,135 --> 00:26:38,137 - Sorry I'm late, guys. - Hey, Pete. 397 00:26:38,222 --> 00:26:42,558 - Bad morning, boss? - They usuaIIy follow good nights, Dwight. 398 00:26:42,643 --> 00:26:44,811 - Hey, Gord, your famiIy's here. - Where? 399 00:26:44,895 --> 00:26:47,146 - Right over there. - Great(!) 400 00:26:47,231 --> 00:26:50,650 She knows I don't like it when she watches me. I get all nervous. 401 00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,611 - Kids take after you. - Yeah. She's their stepmother. 402 00:26:53,696 --> 00:26:56,739 I remarried three years ago. An Internet mail-order thing. 403 00:26:56,824 --> 00:27:01,035 - How's that working out for you? - Really great. Really great. 404 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:02,662 Hey, honey. 405 00:27:04,373 --> 00:27:07,458 L for Iove. Good times. 406 00:27:07,543 --> 00:27:09,627 L for Iove? That doesn't mean Iove... 407 00:27:09,712 --> 00:27:12,297 People have different translations for things. 408 00:27:12,381 --> 00:27:16,801 That's a speciaI bond that you have with your mail-order wife. I think that's nice. 409 00:27:16,885 --> 00:27:19,137 - How many teams are in this qualifier? - Two. 410 00:27:19,221 --> 00:27:21,639 If we beat this team, we're in the Vegas Open? 411 00:27:21,724 --> 00:27:23,558 - Yeah. - That seems pretty simple. 412 00:27:23,684 --> 00:27:28,646 - Who's the other team? - I have it right here. Just a sec. 413 00:27:28,731 --> 00:27:33,401 - Troop 417. - Christ. We're playing Boy Scouts? 414 00:27:34,028 --> 00:27:35,278 Not quite. 415 00:27:35,362 --> 00:27:39,657 (♪ rock music) 416 00:27:43,912 --> 00:27:45,496 Bollocks. 417 00:27:51,045 --> 00:27:53,212 (referee) Troop 417, ready! 418 00:27:53,297 --> 00:27:55,006 Average Joe's, ready! 419 00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:58,468 Set! Dodgeball! 420 00:27:58,552 --> 00:28:00,303 (girls scream) 421 00:28:27,039 --> 00:28:29,457 I'm gonna send you to heII! 422 00:28:37,174 --> 00:28:38,383 Aaagh! 423 00:28:39,134 --> 00:28:44,389 - I'm really sorry. Are you all right? - Why would you hit a girl? Why? 424 00:28:44,473 --> 00:28:46,516 I am so sorry. Are you OK? 425 00:28:47,142 --> 00:28:48,726 (whistle bIows) 426 00:28:48,811 --> 00:28:51,270 Winner - Troop 417. 427 00:28:51,355 --> 00:28:53,439 In your face. 428 00:28:53,524 --> 00:28:57,902 You're adopted. Your parents don't even love you. 429 00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:06,411 And now, without further ado, it gives me great pleasure to award... 430 00:29:09,123 --> 00:29:12,333 I'm sorry. We have a bit of a problem here. 431 00:29:13,085 --> 00:29:16,337 Unfortunately for Troop 417, 432 00:29:16,422 --> 00:29:20,425 during the ADAA-required random drug screening, 433 00:29:20,509 --> 00:29:25,930 one of your player's urine tested positive for three separate types of anabolic steroids, 434 00:29:26,014 --> 00:29:29,934 and a Iow-grade beaver tranquilliser. 435 00:29:30,018 --> 00:29:34,147 I'm afraid, by rule, your team must be disquaIified. 436 00:29:34,731 --> 00:29:37,108 Goddamn you, Bernice! Grr! 437 00:29:37,818 --> 00:29:41,237 By the power vested in me, I decIare the winner of this year's 438 00:29:41,321 --> 00:29:46,784 DodgebaII Regional Qualifying Tournament and Grammar Jamboree to be 439 00:29:46,869 --> 00:29:48,703 Average Joe's Gym. 440 00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:53,332 - You lied! - (cries gruffly) 441 00:30:00,257 --> 00:30:05,386 All I'm saying to you, Kate, is that you can admit the reaI reason why you showed up. 442 00:30:05,471 --> 00:30:09,974 I was in the neighbourhood and I thought you could use a cheering section. 443 00:30:10,058 --> 00:30:13,728 Kate, if you wanna join the team, all you have to do is ask. 444 00:30:13,812 --> 00:30:16,647 Thank you, Peter. I don't. 445 00:30:17,566 --> 00:30:20,359 It is obvious that you dig me. 446 00:30:20,444 --> 00:30:22,445 - You're hooked on La Fleur. - Oh, God. 447 00:30:22,529 --> 00:30:27,533 I've been through this many times. I'm sorry. You can't stay away from me. I'm so stupid. 448 00:30:27,618 --> 00:30:33,706 I'II admit that, in spite of yourself, you have brief moments where you're not compIetely... 449 00:30:35,417 --> 00:30:38,461 What? I'm not completely what? 450 00:30:38,545 --> 00:30:41,297 (White) Pathetic. 451 00:30:41,924 --> 00:30:45,092 Hey, White. I didn't think that Nazi camp got out until eight. 452 00:30:45,177 --> 00:30:49,680 - Did you decide to skip arts and crafts? - Yes, I did. 453 00:30:49,765 --> 00:30:53,809 Hello, Kate. I wasn't aware I was paying you to sociaIise. 454 00:30:53,936 --> 00:31:00,691 - You're not. I'm off the clock. - Isn't it "convenient" for you, and the cIock? 455 00:31:00,776 --> 00:31:04,987 I dropped by to congratulate you on your victory by disqualification 456 00:31:05,072 --> 00:31:09,075 and introduce you to the team that will win the Las Vegas Dodgeball Open. 457 00:31:09,159 --> 00:31:10,910 My team. 458 00:31:12,162 --> 00:31:14,664 Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to 459 00:31:14,748 --> 00:31:16,832 Blade. 460 00:31:17,751 --> 00:31:19,794 Laser. 461 00:31:20,796 --> 00:31:23,089 Blazer. 462 00:31:23,173 --> 00:31:26,717 I believe you've met my fitness consigliere, Me'Shell. 463 00:31:26,802 --> 00:31:31,389 - We met. - Oh, and I aImost forgot our last pIayer. 464 00:31:31,473 --> 00:31:36,435 Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichski. 465 00:31:41,567 --> 00:31:44,777 (♪ "Lady in Red" by Chris de Burgh) 466 00:31:46,655 --> 00:31:50,741 In her home country of Romanovia, dodgeball is the national sport. 467 00:31:50,826 --> 00:31:55,288 Her nuclear power plant's team won the championship five years running, 468 00:31:55,330 --> 00:32:00,543 which makes her the deadliest woman on earth with a dodgeball. 469 00:32:00,669 --> 00:32:02,503 Ball me, BIazer. 470 00:32:02,921 --> 00:32:05,339 - Show them, Fran. - Yaagh! 471 00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:12,471 That's just her change-up. 472 00:32:12,556 --> 00:32:14,640 End of demo. 473 00:32:14,725 --> 00:32:17,643 We are the GIobo Gym Purple Cobras 474 00:32:17,728 --> 00:32:21,480 and we will, we will rock you. 475 00:32:22,024 --> 00:32:25,067 Sssssss. 476 00:32:25,861 --> 00:32:28,696 I think that guy might really be dead. 477 00:32:30,365 --> 00:32:34,660 Wait a minute. How can you be entered in the Las Vegas Open? 478 00:32:34,745 --> 00:32:37,038 You didn't win a regional qualifying match. 479 00:32:37,122 --> 00:32:40,458 Oh, my God. We never even won a regional quaIifying match. 480 00:32:40,542 --> 00:32:42,627 Oh, yeah. Now I remember. 481 00:32:42,711 --> 00:32:46,422 The dodgebaII chancellor's an extremely personal friend of mine. 482 00:32:46,506 --> 00:32:49,800 I helped him shed some unwanted poundage before beach season. 483 00:32:49,885 --> 00:32:52,595 So close your rule book on that one, Poindextor. 484 00:32:52,721 --> 00:32:57,266 White, we didn't come here to "rumble". We came here to ceIebrate as a team. 485 00:32:57,392 --> 00:33:00,519 There's plenty of bar here for you and the Globo-nauts. 486 00:33:00,562 --> 00:33:02,438 Team? 487 00:33:02,522 --> 00:33:06,525 What team? Your best pIayer thinks he's a pirate. 488 00:33:06,610 --> 00:33:08,444 Ahoy! 489 00:33:08,528 --> 00:33:09,820 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 490 00:33:09,905 --> 00:33:13,449 First of all, he is way more of a pirate than you will ever be. 491 00:33:13,533 --> 00:33:18,871 Secondly, we don't know who our best player is yet. We've onIy had one game. 492 00:33:18,955 --> 00:33:23,751 - It could be any one of us at this point. - Go ahead, make your jokes, Mr... 493 00:33:23,835 --> 00:33:25,920 Jokey... Joke-maker. 494 00:33:26,004 --> 00:33:28,923 But let me hit you with some knowledge. Quit now. 495 00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:34,261 Save yourself the embarrassment of losing with these Iosers in Las Vegas, La Fleur. 496 00:33:34,346 --> 00:33:37,556 Alliteration aside, I'II take my chances in the tournament. 497 00:33:37,641 --> 00:33:42,228 - Yeah, you will take your chances. - I know. I just said that. 498 00:33:42,312 --> 00:33:45,481 - I know you did. - I'm not sure where you're going with this. 499 00:33:45,607 --> 00:33:49,026 - I'm not sure where you're going with this. - That's what I said. 500 00:33:49,111 --> 00:33:53,447 - That's what I'm saying to you. - AII right. 501 00:33:53,532 --> 00:33:55,074 Touché. 502 00:33:57,786 --> 00:34:00,788 We're gonna split, but we'll see you at the tournament. 503 00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:05,960 Oh, and, La Fleur, best bring your bib cos it's gonna get messy. 504 00:34:07,921 --> 00:34:09,797 (Steve) Gar! 505 00:34:10,590 --> 00:34:12,758 Are you aII right? You OK? 506 00:34:14,886 --> 00:34:17,138 Let's bounce. Cobras. 507 00:34:18,598 --> 00:34:20,433 Gar! 508 00:34:20,517 --> 00:34:26,564 OK, guys, let's just get ourseIves cIeaned up and head on home, all right? 509 00:34:33,155 --> 00:34:34,447 Hey, you. 510 00:34:34,531 --> 00:34:39,326 That was the worst damn dispIay of dodgebaII I've seen in 40 years. 511 00:34:39,369 --> 00:34:42,872 You want a dodgeball victory, you've gotta grab it by its haunches 512 00:34:42,956 --> 00:34:46,375 and hump it into submission. That's the only way. 513 00:34:46,460 --> 00:34:49,837 OK, crazy guy. I'm gonna go home now. 514 00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:53,007 I ain't crazy and I ain't a guy. 515 00:34:54,176 --> 00:34:57,136 The name's Patches O'Houlihan. 516 00:34:57,220 --> 00:34:59,889 I'm your new coach. 517 00:34:59,973 --> 00:35:03,017 Patches O'Houlihan? The guy from the dodgebaII film? 518 00:35:03,101 --> 00:35:05,936 - Yeah. He said he wants to coach us. - You said yes? 519 00:35:06,021 --> 00:35:10,149 I figured the steady hand of a seasoned dodgeball coach could onIy benefit us. 520 00:35:10,192 --> 00:35:13,277 A'iight. But he's not weird or anything, is he? 521 00:35:13,361 --> 00:35:16,280 No. No, he's totaIIy normaI. 522 00:35:16,364 --> 00:35:17,406 (thud) 523 00:35:27,250 --> 00:35:30,753 I love the smell of queef in the morning. 524 00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:32,922 I mean normal for us. 525 00:35:33,423 --> 00:35:35,341 Line up, ladies. 526 00:35:35,425 --> 00:35:37,802 - What does he mean, line up? - Now! 527 00:35:40,847 --> 00:35:44,725 If you're gonna Iearn to be true dodgeballers, 528 00:35:44,810 --> 00:35:48,604 then you've got to learn the five Ds of dodgeball: 529 00:35:48,688 --> 00:35:51,774 dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge. 530 00:35:51,858 --> 00:35:57,905 If you master the five Ds, no amount of balls on earth can hit you. 531 00:35:59,115 --> 00:36:02,409 - Queer bait, go ahead. - Me, or... 532 00:36:02,536 --> 00:36:07,456 Yeah, shouIdn't we learn by dodging balls that are thrown at us, or... 533 00:36:07,541 --> 00:36:10,918 That's what this sack of wrenches is for. 534 00:36:16,216 --> 00:36:18,843 If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a baII. 535 00:36:18,927 --> 00:36:21,011 What? 536 00:36:25,433 --> 00:36:28,185 (Justin groans) 537 00:36:30,772 --> 00:36:32,606 Any other questions? 538 00:36:32,691 --> 00:36:34,900 Oh, my God. 539 00:36:34,985 --> 00:36:40,114 Yeah. Patches, are you sure that this is completeIy necessary? 540 00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:42,658 Necessary? 541 00:36:42,742 --> 00:36:47,037 - Is it necessary for me to drink my urine? - Probably not. 542 00:36:47,122 --> 00:36:52,126 No. But I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste. 543 00:36:52,210 --> 00:36:53,669 OK. 544 00:36:53,795 --> 00:36:59,258 If you're leading this squad, La Fleur, you've got to learn to do the dance in the dark. 545 00:37:00,051 --> 00:37:02,094 Here, put that on. 546 00:37:02,137 --> 00:37:04,471 All right, Iadies, buckIe up. 547 00:37:04,890 --> 00:37:06,223 It's showtime! 548 00:37:06,308 --> 00:37:08,976 (♪ bluegrass) 549 00:37:09,060 --> 00:37:11,562 Dodge, duck, dip. Dive! 550 00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:14,815 Dodge! 551 00:37:14,941 --> 00:37:16,775 Dive! 552 00:37:16,818 --> 00:37:20,112 Dip! Dive! Dodge! 553 00:37:20,822 --> 00:37:25,534 I've got three weeks to whip you suck-ass faiIure junkies into shape. 554 00:37:25,619 --> 00:37:29,204 Come on! I get better runs in my shorts. 555 00:37:29,831 --> 00:37:34,960 Catch a ball, one of their guys goes out. One of our guys comes back in. 556 00:37:35,045 --> 00:37:38,297 That's the way you hurt 'em. That's the way you win. 557 00:37:40,967 --> 00:37:42,927 Let's go. A little hustle here. 558 00:37:49,434 --> 00:37:51,393 - Ooh! - That's reaIIy good, Peter. 559 00:37:55,565 --> 00:37:59,860 Come on! Only 19 miIes to go. 560 00:38:00,862 --> 00:38:02,196 Ah-hah! 561 00:38:03,657 --> 00:38:04,865 Attaboy! 562 00:38:06,701 --> 00:38:08,786 Next man! 563 00:38:08,870 --> 00:38:12,039 Good Iuck to you, Gordon. Remember it's 90% mental. 564 00:38:12,123 --> 00:38:13,165 Okey-dokey. 565 00:38:13,208 --> 00:38:17,503 (Patches) If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a baII. 566 00:38:21,132 --> 00:38:23,175 You got it, Gord. 567 00:38:24,636 --> 00:38:27,012 Oooh! Gar! 568 00:38:27,973 --> 00:38:31,141 - I'm fine. I'm OK. - OK, there. 569 00:38:37,357 --> 00:38:40,067 - Ow, man! - Wake up, Smithy. 570 00:38:45,865 --> 00:38:50,327 Hell, son. You're about as useful as a cock-flavoured loIIipop. 571 00:38:51,037 --> 00:38:53,455 Quick feet, fast hands. 572 00:38:53,540 --> 00:38:55,499 Catch it and throw. 573 00:38:56,167 --> 00:39:01,046 Pick up the pace! What a bunch of females! 574 00:39:04,718 --> 00:39:07,678 Jesus! Gimme that. 575 00:39:08,930 --> 00:39:12,099 You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. 576 00:39:12,183 --> 00:39:15,102 Where's your kiIIer instinct? You gotta get angry! 577 00:39:15,228 --> 00:39:18,939 You gotta get mean! That's the only way you can play. 578 00:39:19,607 --> 00:39:22,359 I guess I'm not really an angry person. 579 00:39:25,447 --> 00:39:26,572 Oh! 580 00:39:26,614 --> 00:39:29,283 Are you angry now? 581 00:39:29,409 --> 00:39:34,288 - (Dwight) Breathe it out. - Come on, let's get going here! 582 00:39:41,838 --> 00:39:43,797 LittIe help? 583 00:39:45,050 --> 00:39:47,051 Agh! 584 00:39:52,849 --> 00:39:55,809 What? Eight years of softball. 585 00:39:55,894 --> 00:39:59,688 - Man, she gotta be a Iesbian. - She is not a lesbian. 586 00:39:59,773 --> 00:40:02,483 All I know is that dyke can pIay. 587 00:40:14,037 --> 00:40:16,205 Come on, come on. 588 00:40:16,331 --> 00:40:18,874 - PIease! - We need you. You're reaIIy good. 589 00:40:18,958 --> 00:40:20,959 Owen'll be team manager if you pIay. 590 00:40:21,044 --> 00:40:22,669 - I will? - Shut up. 591 00:40:22,754 --> 00:40:25,714 Look, I find White Goodman creepy, just Iike you do... 592 00:40:25,799 --> 00:40:28,217 All the more reason for you to join us! 593 00:40:28,301 --> 00:40:31,595 Come on, Kate. Time to put your mouth where our balls are. 594 00:40:31,679 --> 00:40:35,974 Sorry, I can't. I'm under contract. It'd be a conflict of interest. 595 00:40:36,476 --> 00:40:38,685 Suit yourseIf. 596 00:40:38,770 --> 00:40:42,523 All right, you heard Billie-Jean King. No crying in the breast milk. 597 00:40:42,607 --> 00:40:44,900 We got plenty of work to do. Let's go. 598 00:40:48,655 --> 00:40:52,366 (man on TV) We punch the pizza dough down, and it's time to sauce it up. 599 00:40:52,450 --> 00:40:54,535 Oh, boy, is my mouth watering. 600 00:40:54,619 --> 00:40:58,080 You want to put a big dollop of that tangy red on the dough, 601 00:40:58,206 --> 00:41:01,125 then use the cheese to shove it to the edge. 602 00:41:01,209 --> 00:41:03,335 Sir, I need you to take a look at... Whoa! 603 00:41:03,419 --> 00:41:05,379 No! What... 604 00:41:05,463 --> 00:41:10,217 What... What have I said about knocking? Hm? 605 00:41:10,343 --> 00:41:12,678 - AIways knock. - Whoa. Sorry, sir. 606 00:41:12,762 --> 00:41:18,183 What is so important that you need to interrupt me in my private reflection period? 607 00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:20,811 These. 608 00:41:24,899 --> 00:41:29,486 - They're getting better. - Yes. I can see that, Me'Shell. 609 00:41:29,571 --> 00:41:34,032 I'm through playing games. It's time to end this square dance once and for all. 610 00:41:34,117 --> 00:41:36,285 What about the girl? She can throw. 611 00:41:36,411 --> 00:41:40,414 I'II simpIy have to woo Kate a bit sooner than nature intended. 612 00:41:40,498 --> 00:41:43,375 But rest assured, Me'Shell. 613 00:41:43,459 --> 00:41:49,006 There's no resisting when White Goodman puts on his shiny shoes. 614 00:41:49,090 --> 00:41:52,968 (♪ "Apache" by the Sugarhill Gang) 615 00:41:53,094 --> 00:41:57,264 ♪ Tonto, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it 616 00:42:01,477 --> 00:42:04,271 ♪ Apache, jump on it, jump on it 617 00:42:04,355 --> 00:42:06,440 (singers uIulating) 618 00:42:09,944 --> 00:42:12,154 - (Kate) Who is it? - It's White. 619 00:42:14,782 --> 00:42:17,743 - Surprise. - White. 620 00:42:17,827 --> 00:42:19,036 Uh... 621 00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:22,122 What... What are you doing here? 622 00:42:22,207 --> 00:42:24,541 How do you know where I live? 623 00:42:24,626 --> 00:42:26,877 It's called the Freedom of Information Act. 624 00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:30,672 The hippies finally got something right. Just kiddin'. Not reaIIy. 625 00:42:30,798 --> 00:42:34,593 Hey. I got some great news. Sit down. 626 00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:39,556 - What is it? - You're fired. 627 00:42:39,641 --> 00:42:41,350 - I'm what? - You're fired. 628 00:42:41,434 --> 00:42:45,270 I told the bank that you were stealing and drinking on the job. They bought it. 629 00:42:45,355 --> 00:42:48,649 They signed some other penciI pusher to my account. 630 00:42:48,733 --> 00:42:50,984 Why would you do that? 631 00:42:51,527 --> 00:42:54,238 I'm here to begin my courtship of you, Kate. 632 00:42:54,322 --> 00:42:57,366 - You fired me so I'd date you? - Yuh-huh. 633 00:42:57,492 --> 00:43:00,327 You are a crazy little man. 634 00:43:00,370 --> 00:43:03,163 I know you've been hiding some feeIings for me. 635 00:43:03,248 --> 00:43:05,374 Oh, yeah. Nausea. 636 00:43:05,458 --> 00:43:08,877 If you don't leave in two seconds, you'll know how that feels. 637 00:43:08,962 --> 00:43:10,587 Ooh-hoo! 638 00:43:10,672 --> 00:43:13,507 You like the freaky stuff, huh? That's cool. 639 00:43:14,425 --> 00:43:16,301 I can be naughty, too. 640 00:43:17,971 --> 00:43:20,472 Real, freakin' naughty. 641 00:43:22,016 --> 00:43:24,059 - You a naughty freak? - Need help leaving? 642 00:43:26,145 --> 00:43:27,896 This doesn't concern you, La FIeur. 643 00:43:27,981 --> 00:43:31,358 Not nearly as much as your hair does. That's for sure. 644 00:43:31,401 --> 00:43:35,195 But, uh, I believe she asked you to leave. 645 00:43:37,198 --> 00:43:41,868 I get it. You caught the scent of a lesser stag in your nostriIs. 646 00:43:41,953 --> 00:43:46,540 Pity. I'll let you have your little moment, La Fleur, 647 00:43:46,624 --> 00:43:54,047 cos after this tournament, your gym, your life and your gal are gonna be mine. 648 00:43:54,090 --> 00:43:56,258 All mine. 649 00:43:56,926 --> 00:43:58,927 To be continued... Agh! Ow. 650 00:43:59,012 --> 00:44:01,805 You don't get to touch me, ever. 651 00:44:01,889 --> 00:44:04,433 OK, Romeo. Let me help you up. 652 00:44:04,517 --> 00:44:08,103 Get off me! Don't you touch me! 653 00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:13,233 It is over between us, Kate. 654 00:44:13,318 --> 00:44:16,361 Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. Nobody! 655 00:44:30,668 --> 00:44:34,046 - At least that wasn't weird. - Yeah. 656 00:44:34,130 --> 00:44:37,132 - Do I smell cookies? - Hey! 657 00:44:38,468 --> 00:44:40,969 Dear Barbara! 658 00:44:48,227 --> 00:44:52,522 - I Iike unicorns. - Wow. 659 00:44:52,899 --> 00:44:55,067 I know you said no to joining the team, 660 00:44:55,151 --> 00:44:59,071 but I'd Iike you to reconsider as a personal favour to me. 661 00:44:59,155 --> 00:45:00,864 - Peter... - Before you answer, 662 00:45:00,948 --> 00:45:03,617 you should know you'd have your own changing room. 663 00:45:03,701 --> 00:45:05,911 - Really? - Sort of. 664 00:45:05,995 --> 00:45:09,414 - Mmm. - Oh, and... there's also this. 665 00:45:09,499 --> 00:45:12,417 - Oh! OK, what's this? - I overdid. 666 00:45:14,879 --> 00:45:18,548 Look at you. Two expired movie passes 667 00:45:18,633 --> 00:45:23,178 and a coupon for one free back rub from Peter La Fleur. 668 00:45:23,262 --> 00:45:27,974 - PIay your cards right, could be a full body. - Will you just stop, please? 669 00:45:28,059 --> 00:45:32,104 I don't want your perk package. I don't want your back rub. 670 00:45:32,188 --> 00:45:35,899 I just want to see White Goodman's face when we win that tournament. 671 00:45:35,983 --> 00:45:38,360 - You're in? - I'm in. 672 00:45:42,532 --> 00:45:47,494 Las Vegas! A city built of hot sand, broken dreams and $5 Iobster. 673 00:45:47,578 --> 00:45:51,331 A city where you can get a happy ending, if you pay a littIe extra. 674 00:45:51,416 --> 00:45:54,709 A city home to a sporting event greater than the WorId Cup, 675 00:45:54,794 --> 00:45:59,297 World Series and WorId War II combined! 676 00:45:59,382 --> 00:46:03,760 Live from Las Vegas, it's the Las Vegas InternationaI Dodgeball Open 677 00:46:03,845 --> 00:46:06,680 here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho" - 678 00:46:06,764 --> 00:46:11,560 bringing you the finest in seIdom-seen sports from around the globe since 1999. 679 00:46:11,644 --> 00:46:15,021 If it's almost a sport, we've got it here. 680 00:46:15,106 --> 00:46:20,902 Hello, everybody, and welcome to this year's Las Vegas International DodgebaII Open 681 00:46:20,987 --> 00:46:24,281 brought to you exclusively here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho". 682 00:46:24,365 --> 00:46:28,118 We're coming to you live from the Las Vegas University Learning Annex. 683 00:46:28,202 --> 00:46:30,078 My name is Cotton McKnight 684 00:46:30,163 --> 00:46:34,040 and with me, as aIways, is my partner in crime, Pepper Brooks. 685 00:46:34,125 --> 00:46:36,001 Yeah. Cotton, hey. 686 00:46:36,085 --> 00:46:41,548 Everybody, 32 teams in play, that means four wins is gonna get you in the final match, 687 00:46:41,632 --> 00:46:45,093 the fifth win getting you the 50K that everyone's chasing. 688 00:46:45,178 --> 00:46:46,219 Cotton! 689 00:46:46,304 --> 00:46:51,600 There's an electricity in the air, a paIpable hue of anticipation. 690 00:46:51,726 --> 00:46:55,228 Immortality - five simple victories away. 691 00:46:55,271 --> 00:47:00,150 They've come from all over - Kathmandu to Timbuktu, and all points in-between - 692 00:47:00,234 --> 00:47:04,738 to compete in the one true human test - dodgeball. 693 00:47:29,138 --> 00:47:31,640 - Hey. - Hey. What's in the box? 694 00:47:31,724 --> 00:47:36,311 Guys, I figured a real dodgeball team needs real dodgebaII uniforms. 695 00:47:36,395 --> 00:47:40,273 So I threw out those old ratty ones and designed these myself. 696 00:47:40,358 --> 00:47:44,736 All right! Now we got our thing going on, maybe we'll start smacking each other. 697 00:47:44,820 --> 00:47:46,905 I hope everything fits. 698 00:47:48,950 --> 00:47:51,576 - Wait. - Nice. 699 00:47:51,661 --> 00:47:56,206 This isn't right. This isn't what I ordered. 700 00:48:00,044 --> 00:48:03,922 - What's this? - What the hell is that? This is screwed up. 701 00:48:04,882 --> 00:48:07,801 - What are we supposed to do now? - Don't worry. 702 00:48:07,927 --> 00:48:10,136 - We'II play in what we've got on. - We can't. 703 00:48:10,221 --> 00:48:12,973 ADAA ruIes require we wear matching uniforms. 704 00:48:13,099 --> 00:48:17,310 I don't think they require ass-less chaps, OK? 705 00:48:17,395 --> 00:48:22,607 Everybody, calm down. We've got plenty of time to find other uniforms before we play. 706 00:48:22,650 --> 00:48:26,194 Ladies, we gotta get on the court or we're gonna forfeit the game. 707 00:48:26,279 --> 00:48:30,115 Come on, Iet's go. Let's see some movement. Chop-chop. 708 00:48:30,199 --> 00:48:32,242 I don't see any movement. Let's go. 709 00:48:42,795 --> 00:48:45,672 How about those dodgeball dancers, folks? 710 00:48:45,756 --> 00:48:49,676 - That is some good, clean, family fun, Cot. - Right you are. 711 00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:52,220 Here comes Germany's Team BIitzkrieg. 712 00:48:52,305 --> 00:48:55,724 The reigning European champ hopes to extend their empire here. 713 00:48:55,808 --> 00:48:57,892 Appeasement be damned. 714 00:48:57,977 --> 00:49:01,313 Here comes the reIatively unknown challengers, 715 00:49:01,397 --> 00:49:05,692 a regional quaIifying team, Average Joe's Gymnasium. 716 00:49:05,776 --> 00:49:07,944 (cheering and appIause) 717 00:49:08,988 --> 00:49:11,072 (cheering stops) 718 00:49:15,494 --> 00:49:17,704 Oh, my sweet Jesus. 719 00:49:18,706 --> 00:49:20,707 That's rad. 720 00:49:20,833 --> 00:49:23,668 Hey, asshole, you guys suck! 721 00:49:24,128 --> 00:49:26,671 Thank you. Nice to be in Vegas. 722 00:49:26,714 --> 00:49:29,466 Hi. We're all here and, um, 723 00:49:29,550 --> 00:49:31,468 we are ready to play. 724 00:49:34,305 --> 00:49:36,806 - OK. - OK. 725 00:49:38,643 --> 00:49:42,854 We get our first glimpse of the Average Joe's squad, sporting unwieldy uniforms. 726 00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:45,774 (Pepper) I feeI Iike I'm watching a Cher video. 727 00:49:45,858 --> 00:49:47,859 - Average Joe's, ready. - Gar! 728 00:49:47,943 --> 00:49:49,903 - BIitzkrieg, ready. - Right. 729 00:49:49,987 --> 00:49:51,404 DodgebaII! 730 00:49:51,489 --> 00:49:56,326 (Cotton) And we're under way! Average Joe's versus the heavily favoured German team. 731 00:49:56,410 --> 00:50:00,246 Of course, S&M gear first made popular by the Iyric poet, Sappho, 732 00:50:00,331 --> 00:50:03,375 - from the island of Lesbos. - CIean hit. You're out. 733 00:50:03,459 --> 00:50:08,254 (Pepper) Leather and Iatex beIong in the bedroom, not on the dodgeball court. 734 00:50:08,339 --> 00:50:13,760 Where's that training? Dodge, duck, dip, dive, dodge! 735 00:50:14,261 --> 00:50:18,807 Captain Peter La Fleur gets eIiminated and coach O'Houlihan is not happy. 736 00:50:19,517 --> 00:50:21,017 Gar! 737 00:50:26,107 --> 00:50:28,775 This Average Joe's team doesn't look up to snuff. 738 00:50:28,859 --> 00:50:29,943 (whistle) 739 00:50:30,027 --> 00:50:32,946 Midline infraction. You went over the line, you're out. 740 00:50:33,030 --> 00:50:36,032 Woo-hoo! The Average Joe's catches a break there. 741 00:50:36,117 --> 00:50:39,703 The Germans stiII dominating this Maginot Line-like defence. 742 00:50:39,787 --> 00:50:42,372 (Pepper) Good toss by the submissive out there! 743 00:50:42,456 --> 00:50:46,626 (Cotton) Just two pIayers left for Joe... Oohh, check that. Make it one. 744 00:50:46,669 --> 00:50:49,629 Looks like Average Joe's might be heading home early. 745 00:50:50,047 --> 00:50:53,967 It's all up to the only player without a Y-chromosome, Kate Veatch. 746 00:50:55,136 --> 00:50:57,220 Oh, what a throw! 747 00:50:57,304 --> 00:50:59,472 Hold your phone, she's got a cannon. 748 00:50:59,515 --> 00:51:01,182 Yes! 749 00:51:01,308 --> 00:51:05,603 - Come on, Kate. - You're the only man out there! Give it to 'em. 750 00:51:05,688 --> 00:51:10,984 (Cotton) Germans have a two-one advantage. Great catch. La Fleur's back in the game. 751 00:51:11,068 --> 00:51:15,655 How about that? A two-on-one switcheroo. Now Joe's has the upper hand. 752 00:51:15,740 --> 00:51:17,657 - Great deflection. - Take it to him! 753 00:51:17,742 --> 00:51:22,495 - He's ball-Iess now. - (Pepper) He doesn't have any balls, Cotton. 754 00:51:22,580 --> 00:51:25,498 Winner! Average Joe's. 755 00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:29,419 My sweet dick, it's magic. 756 00:51:29,503 --> 00:51:30,795 Hey, all right! 757 00:51:30,880 --> 00:51:36,551 Oh, my. The Germans Iosing in the first round and Average Joe's wins in a shocking upset. 758 00:51:36,635 --> 00:51:39,387 I feel shocked. 759 00:51:39,472 --> 00:51:41,556 Gar! 760 00:51:48,105 --> 00:51:50,106 Losers. 761 00:52:01,452 --> 00:52:04,454 You must be Daddy. 762 00:52:04,830 --> 00:52:09,167 Average Joe's has shocked the dodgeball pundits and made it to tomorrow's round 763 00:52:09,251 --> 00:52:12,962 where we'll separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, 764 00:52:13,047 --> 00:52:16,216 and the awkwardIy feminine from the possibly Canadian. 765 00:52:16,300 --> 00:52:19,552 Don't go anywhere, folks. It's just getting exciting. 766 00:52:23,933 --> 00:52:27,560 - What the hell! - That guy's a dickhead. 767 00:52:33,234 --> 00:52:35,777 You wanted to see me, Patches? 768 00:52:37,029 --> 00:52:40,740 You did good out there, real good. You're a natural leader, La Fleur. 769 00:52:40,825 --> 00:52:43,952 Those men and that muff-diver believe in you. 770 00:52:44,036 --> 00:52:47,038 - Kate's not a muff-diver. - Ah, no. 771 00:52:48,332 --> 00:52:50,416 Hey. That's for you. 772 00:52:51,794 --> 00:52:55,088 - I can't accept this. - You're a hell of a player, Peter. 773 00:52:55,130 --> 00:52:57,549 You earned it. 774 00:52:57,591 --> 00:53:02,595 I've got some hookers in my room. What do you say we go ceIebrate? My treat. 775 00:53:02,680 --> 00:53:05,932 No, thanks, I'II just stick with the scarf, but thank you. 776 00:53:06,016 --> 00:53:08,101 Suit yourseIf, queer. 777 00:53:18,362 --> 00:53:20,196 - Sorry. - Justin? 778 00:53:20,281 --> 00:53:22,991 Amber! Jeez Louise, what are you doing here? 779 00:53:23,075 --> 00:53:28,246 - The National Cheerleading Championships. - Oh, yeah, the NCCs. That's so awesome. 780 00:53:28,330 --> 00:53:32,208 - We're in the finals tomorrow. And you? - I'm in the dodgebaII tournament. 781 00:53:32,293 --> 00:53:37,046 These are my team-mates, Dwight, Ms Veatch and Gordon. 782 00:53:37,131 --> 00:53:39,465 This is Amber. 783 00:53:39,508 --> 00:53:41,676 Come on, I wanna ride the roller coaster. 784 00:53:41,760 --> 00:53:46,681 - Hey, Derek. Sweet 'do, man. - Get bent, helmet. Let's go, Amber. 785 00:53:46,765 --> 00:53:52,395 - It was nice to see you. Good luck tomorrow. - And also you. You look... heaIthy... good. 786 00:53:53,272 --> 00:53:54,814 What? 787 00:53:54,899 --> 00:53:57,901 Don't worry about that guy, Justin. He's a totaI jerk. 788 00:53:57,985 --> 00:54:01,446 He'll probably fall off the roller coaster and break every bone. 789 00:54:01,530 --> 00:54:04,240 - Nice, Dwight. - I'm just saying, it happens. 790 00:54:04,325 --> 00:54:06,910 My cousin Ray-Ray. Boop. Dead. 791 00:54:06,994 --> 00:54:08,161 Thanks, man. 792 00:54:12,750 --> 00:54:15,752 Let's huddle up here! We've got some work to do. 793 00:54:15,836 --> 00:54:18,046 We got lucky in the first round. 794 00:54:18,130 --> 00:54:21,758 We caught those dirty Krauts napping, but that won't happen again, 795 00:54:21,842 --> 00:54:26,012 so blow out the horse hockey and remember what I taught you. 796 00:54:26,096 --> 00:54:32,560 Blockers in the centre, funnelling, aim low and will someone catch a goddamned ball? 797 00:54:32,645 --> 00:54:37,357 It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there! 798 00:54:37,399 --> 00:54:41,361 Get it together. Let's pIay some dodgeball. 799 00:54:41,445 --> 00:54:43,363 Hands in. 800 00:54:43,447 --> 00:54:45,531 One, two, three, Joe's! 801 00:54:47,201 --> 00:54:49,452 - Average Joe's ready? - Yes. 802 00:54:49,536 --> 00:54:51,704 - Lumberjacks, ready? - Grr! 803 00:54:51,789 --> 00:54:52,830 DodgebaII. 804 00:54:52,915 --> 00:54:56,501 (Cotton) Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. 805 00:54:56,585 --> 00:55:00,171 These woodsmen probably haven't even smelt a woman in eight months. 806 00:55:00,255 --> 00:55:03,174 (Pepper) They must masturbate a lot, Cotton. 807 00:55:03,217 --> 00:55:05,969 - CIean hit. You're out. - (Cotton) In the deer gut. 808 00:55:06,053 --> 00:55:09,013 - Average Joe's Iooking tough. - Yes! 809 00:55:10,265 --> 00:55:12,350 Gar! 810 00:55:14,061 --> 00:55:16,729 There's a souvenir for a lucky fan. 811 00:55:18,190 --> 00:55:19,732 Oooh! Timber! 812 00:55:19,817 --> 00:55:23,820 Peter La Fleur naiIs him. That's all she wrote, foIks. 813 00:55:23,904 --> 00:55:28,157 Average Joe's does some clear-cutting of their own and moves onto the quarterfinaI. 814 00:55:30,285 --> 00:55:33,121 Globo Gym hoping to drop an A-bomb on the Kamikazes. 815 00:55:33,205 --> 00:55:36,791 (Pepper) I don't know how they can play in diapers, Cotton. I never could. 816 00:55:36,875 --> 00:55:38,251 Peekaboo! 817 00:55:38,502 --> 00:55:41,546 White Goodman, employing his patented peekaboo-style attack, 818 00:55:41,630 --> 00:55:45,091 teIIs Suzuki Toyota Oshinawa this is my dojo. 819 00:55:45,592 --> 00:55:46,592 Ooohh! 820 00:55:46,677 --> 00:55:49,887 Is he gonna feel it tomorrow? Right in his beak! 821 00:55:49,972 --> 00:55:54,934 A reIentless Globo Gym attack led by their LiIIiputian leader, White Goodman. 822 00:55:55,019 --> 00:55:58,104 (Pepper) It's gotta be the hair. It's beautifuI. 823 00:55:58,188 --> 00:56:02,734 Feathered and lethal. You just don't see it nowadays. 824 00:56:03,944 --> 00:56:07,447 (Cotton) Globo Gym says, "Do'mo arigato, Mr Roboto", 825 00:56:07,573 --> 00:56:09,949 and breezes into the semifinals. 826 00:56:12,202 --> 00:56:15,830 Skillz That Killz, ready? Average Joe's, ready? Dodgeball! 827 00:56:15,914 --> 00:56:19,333 (Cotton) Average Joe's planning to playa hate Skillz That Killz, 828 00:56:19,418 --> 00:56:21,836 the inner-city champs for five years straight. 829 00:56:21,920 --> 00:56:26,632 Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's, doing more dancing than dodgeballing. 830 00:56:26,717 --> 00:56:30,303 (Pepper) They better check themseIves before they wreck themseIves. 831 00:56:30,387 --> 00:56:35,600 (Cotton) Right you are, partner. Great catch. La Fleur wheels and fires. 832 00:56:36,435 --> 00:56:39,145 Winner! Average Joe's! 833 00:56:39,229 --> 00:56:44,150 And Average Joe's, not blinded by the bling-bIing, advances to the semifinaI. 834 00:56:46,653 --> 00:56:51,240 (Cotton) Globo Gym's making mincemeat of the Las Vegas Police Department. 835 00:56:51,325 --> 00:56:53,076 Oh! That's gotta hurt. 836 00:56:55,204 --> 00:56:57,121 (Pepper) B-b-b-buII's-eye! 837 00:56:57,206 --> 00:56:59,540 Winner! Globo Gym! 838 00:56:59,666 --> 00:57:04,796 (Cotton) Sportsmanship be darned. Globo Gym hands the Las Vegas Police a 187, 839 00:57:04,838 --> 00:57:07,465 and they're going to the finals. 840 00:57:09,968 --> 00:57:14,263 The Poughkeepsie State FIying Cougars are all over Average Joe's today. 841 00:57:14,348 --> 00:57:19,435 It just doesn't look good for 'em. The winner of this match faces GIobo Gym in the finaIs. 842 00:57:19,520 --> 00:57:21,854 Oh! Right in the testicles! 843 00:57:21,939 --> 00:57:24,482 Ouch-Town. Population: you, bro. 844 00:57:24,566 --> 00:57:27,735 (Cotton) Average Joe's down to their finaI two pIayers. 845 00:57:29,029 --> 00:57:31,280 La Fleur can't hoId on. He's gotta sit down. 846 00:57:31,365 --> 00:57:34,367 - Time out! Gordy! - Time out! Time out! 847 00:57:34,993 --> 00:57:36,410 Time! Time is out! 848 00:57:36,495 --> 00:57:40,498 It looks like the clock is about to strike midnight on this Cinderella story, 849 00:57:40,582 --> 00:57:43,292 turning Average Joe's into the proverbial pumpkin. 850 00:57:43,377 --> 00:57:45,878 I sure do Iike pumpkins, Cotton. 851 00:57:47,297 --> 00:57:50,842 You won't hit 'em. They're too good, and you suck somethin' awful. 852 00:57:50,926 --> 00:57:54,595 - Yes, sir. I do. - Our onIy shot is for you to get angry. 853 00:57:54,680 --> 00:57:58,349 - Roger that. OK. - AII right. Hands in. 854 00:57:58,433 --> 00:58:00,852 - One, two, three. - Joe's! 855 00:58:01,728 --> 00:58:04,856 (Patches) You gotta get angry. Get angry now! 856 00:58:04,940 --> 00:58:09,694 (Cotton) Gordon Pibb, alone, facing five Cougars. It's all over but the crying. 857 00:58:09,736 --> 00:58:13,322 Sayonara, auf Wiedersehen and goodbye. 858 00:58:14,408 --> 00:58:16,033 (she Iaughs IoudIy) 859 00:58:20,539 --> 00:58:22,415 (snarls) 860 00:58:23,417 --> 00:58:25,668 (roars) 861 00:58:26,587 --> 00:58:30,006 - Dodgeball! - (Cotton) Let the dodgebaII slaughter begin. 862 00:58:30,090 --> 00:58:32,008 Good deflection there. 863 00:58:32,092 --> 00:58:34,343 Hang on. And another one. 864 00:58:34,428 --> 00:58:37,013 Three balls at once! Who knew? 865 00:58:37,514 --> 00:58:40,057 Four on one. Pibb won't go down without a fight. 866 00:58:40,142 --> 00:58:42,560 That's it! 867 00:58:42,644 --> 00:58:45,771 - (Cotton) You're kidding me! - (Pepper) He's callin' 'em out! 868 00:58:46,607 --> 00:58:48,691 Now it's two on one. Who'd have thunk it? 869 00:58:48,775 --> 00:58:53,696 - Go, you crazy son of a bitch! Go! - (Cotton) He's on the warpath! 870 00:58:55,824 --> 00:58:58,451 (Cotton) Incredible! It's one on one. 871 00:58:58,535 --> 00:59:02,413 - I can't believe it! - (Pepper) It's just not believable, Cotton. 872 00:59:02,456 --> 00:59:04,957 (screams) 873 00:59:10,589 --> 00:59:11,589 (referee) Winner! 874 00:59:11,965 --> 00:59:15,134 (Cotton) Average Joe's wins! 875 00:59:15,260 --> 00:59:20,306 They are going to the finaIs to play Globo Gym for $50,000. 876 00:59:20,432 --> 00:59:24,310 - (Pepper) That'll buy one heck of a blumpken. - (Cotton) Right you are, Pep. 877 00:59:24,394 --> 00:59:26,896 I never wouId have dreamed it possible. 878 00:59:26,980 --> 00:59:31,609 But with seven-time ADAA All-Star Patches O'Houlihan at the heIm, 879 00:59:31,652 --> 00:59:34,528 I guess it must be the luck of the Irish. 880 00:59:38,533 --> 00:59:42,620 Tomorrow we're gonna pecker-slap those Globo Gym bastards. 881 00:59:42,704 --> 00:59:43,496 Yeah! 882 00:59:43,580 --> 00:59:48,125 - You really think we can beat Globo Gym? - As long as we got Patches, we got a shot. 883 00:59:55,133 --> 00:59:56,384 Oh, my God. 884 00:59:57,302 --> 01:00:01,305 WeII, it's probabIy the way he would have wanted to go. 885 01:00:01,390 --> 01:00:04,809 - What? - What are we gonna do without Patches? 886 01:00:04,893 --> 01:00:07,061 We're gonna get our taints handed to us. 887 01:00:07,145 --> 01:00:10,189 - What's a taint? - I dunno. Sounds bad. 888 01:00:11,400 --> 01:00:14,694 Maybe you should go say something to the guys. 889 01:00:14,778 --> 01:00:15,945 Yeah. 890 01:00:16,029 --> 01:00:22,660 They don't make a "sorry your coach just got crushed by two tons of irony" Hallmark card. 891 01:00:24,204 --> 01:00:26,789 I'II be right back. 892 01:00:33,422 --> 01:00:37,383 ¿Dónde está la bibIioteca, Pedro? 893 01:00:37,467 --> 01:00:39,010 What? 894 01:00:39,094 --> 01:00:43,389 We're opening a new Globo Gym in Mexico City. I've been boning up on my Spanish. 895 01:00:43,473 --> 01:00:46,392 (flushing) 896 01:00:46,435 --> 01:00:49,895 Me'Shell was having some digestive problems. I hope you don't mind. 897 01:00:50,022 --> 01:00:52,273 Will you shut that? 898 01:00:52,399 --> 01:00:55,067 For all of us, baby. 899 01:00:57,738 --> 01:01:03,617 So that's the deaI. I give you $100,000, you sign over the deed to your gym. 900 01:01:03,702 --> 01:01:05,453 Period. 901 01:01:05,537 --> 01:01:07,705 End o'story. 902 01:01:07,789 --> 01:01:13,127 You really think you can come here and buy me out, you're a Iot dumber than I thought. 903 01:01:13,211 --> 01:01:18,799 Oh, I don't think I'm a Iot dumber than you thought I'd think that I thought I was once. 904 01:01:18,884 --> 01:01:22,094 Look, Peter, I know what it's Iike. 905 01:01:22,179 --> 01:01:26,807 Really. For aII our blustery back-and-forth, we're really pretty much the same guy. 906 01:01:26,933 --> 01:01:30,603 We're both leaders. And I like what you've done with the gym over there. 907 01:01:30,687 --> 01:01:35,608 I love the whole "I'm not OK, you're not OK, but that's OK" thing you got going. 908 01:01:35,692 --> 01:01:39,028 "You can be fat as Iong as you're happy inside." It works. 909 01:01:39,112 --> 01:01:42,573 And they love you. Whoo, do they Iove you. 910 01:01:42,657 --> 01:01:44,658 You're their Fonzie, Pete. 911 01:01:44,743 --> 01:01:47,036 "Hey." Right? 912 01:01:49,122 --> 01:01:54,668 But do you really think it's fair for them to put all that pressure on you? All the time? Hm? 913 01:01:55,629 --> 01:01:58,964 Looking to you to solve their every problem? 914 01:01:59,049 --> 01:02:00,674 I mean, come on. 915 01:02:00,801 --> 01:02:05,012 I know you. You know you. 916 01:02:05,097 --> 01:02:08,140 And I know you know that I know you. 917 01:02:08,225 --> 01:02:10,726 You're heading for a faII, Pete. 918 01:02:10,811 --> 01:02:14,313 Sooner or later, Average Joe's is gonna cIose. 919 01:02:14,398 --> 01:02:18,567 And when it does, they're gonna bIame you. 920 01:02:20,153 --> 01:02:24,115 I don't know if you've ever seen $100,000, except maybe in the movies. 921 01:02:24,199 --> 01:02:28,160 But I assure you, something gets lost in the translation. 922 01:02:31,164 --> 01:02:35,251 Money. $100,000. Dodgeball game. 923 01:02:37,045 --> 01:02:38,879 Take the money. 924 01:02:39,589 --> 01:02:44,468 Invest it in something. Give it to charity, I don't care. 925 01:02:51,351 --> 01:02:53,519 Just sign the contract. 926 01:02:58,900 --> 01:03:01,902 Come on, guys. We got Peter. 927 01:03:02,070 --> 01:03:06,240 And they got guys named Laser and Blazer and Taser, and all kinds of asers. 928 01:03:06,324 --> 01:03:09,869 Gar. Steve's gotta go drain the sea monster. 929 01:03:10,996 --> 01:03:13,164 Here. Justin, your virgin daiquiri. 930 01:03:13,248 --> 01:03:15,833 - Thanks, Ms Veatch. - Nothing for me. 931 01:03:15,917 --> 01:03:20,171 - Dwight says we'll get killed out there, Peter. - Let's not taIk about tomorrow. 932 01:03:20,255 --> 01:03:23,757 - What are we gonna do? - I don't know. It's a little complicated. 933 01:03:23,842 --> 01:03:27,011 - But what do you think we should do? - Yeah. Come on, tell us. 934 01:03:27,095 --> 01:03:28,304 What's the pIan? 935 01:03:28,388 --> 01:03:31,640 What do you guys want from me? I don't have a plan for you. 936 01:03:31,725 --> 01:03:35,936 We're gonna play Globo Gym tomorrow and we're probably gonna Iose. 937 01:03:36,021 --> 01:03:41,692 It's the truth. The sooner you guys get that through your head, the easier this will all be. 938 01:03:43,111 --> 01:03:45,696 Jesus Christ. 939 01:03:46,156 --> 01:03:48,324 He didn't mean that. 940 01:03:48,408 --> 01:03:52,661 - Is he being serious? - He's probably just stressed out. 941 01:03:52,746 --> 01:03:55,623 I've never seen him like that. 942 01:03:57,751 --> 01:04:01,504 Gar, matey, where are you headed? Peter... 943 01:04:01,588 --> 01:04:04,256 You are not a pirate. 944 01:04:11,932 --> 01:04:16,602 OK, guys. Let's get out of here and get some rest for tomorrow, right? 945 01:04:19,606 --> 01:04:23,150 (♪ "Lady in Red" by Chris de Burgh) 946 01:04:24,236 --> 01:04:26,111 Dwight, uh... 947 01:04:26,196 --> 01:04:31,242 I'm gonna catch up with you guys later. I'm gonna have a bathroom... go to the drink... 948 01:04:31,326 --> 01:04:33,118 in the bathroom. 949 01:04:33,203 --> 01:04:35,788 Whatever you do, wash your hands. 950 01:04:46,174 --> 01:04:48,842 Excuse me, miss. I was wondering if... 951 01:04:48,927 --> 01:04:51,470 You are the one who stares at me. 952 01:04:51,555 --> 01:04:53,931 Why is this? 953 01:04:54,015 --> 01:04:58,644 Because I think you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. 954 01:05:05,110 --> 01:05:07,486 Watch it, freak. 955 01:05:18,415 --> 01:05:20,124 (tyres screech/car horn) 956 01:05:20,208 --> 01:05:22,626 Go back to Treasure Island! 957 01:05:22,711 --> 01:05:25,170 Fag! 958 01:05:25,255 --> 01:05:27,339 Screw you! 959 01:05:39,644 --> 01:05:43,522 Katie, bar the door. It's time for the championship match 960 01:05:43,565 --> 01:05:45,983 here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho". 961 01:05:46,067 --> 01:05:50,112 We've seen it all here, foIks. Grit, determination, incontinence. 962 01:05:50,196 --> 01:05:52,781 And it's all come down to this - a CindereIIa story. 963 01:05:52,866 --> 01:05:57,661 Average Joe's Gymnasium hopes to drive their vorpaI blade snicker-snack 964 01:05:57,746 --> 01:06:01,790 into the heart of the dodgeball Jabberwocky that is the Globo Gym Purple Cobras, 965 01:06:01,875 --> 01:06:05,794 and walk away with $50,000 in stone-cold cash. 966 01:06:05,879 --> 01:06:10,007 Hello, everybody, and welcome to what you've all been waiting for. 967 01:06:10,050 --> 01:06:13,927 A David-and-Goliath story truer than the Bible itself. 968 01:06:14,012 --> 01:06:18,098 The championship dodgeball match here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho". 969 01:06:20,810 --> 01:06:26,482 Peter? 970 01:06:26,566 --> 01:06:29,151 Hello? 971 01:06:29,235 --> 01:06:30,569 Peter? 972 01:06:30,654 --> 01:06:33,489 Come on, everybody headed down... 973 01:06:41,331 --> 01:06:42,915 (sighs) 974 01:06:42,999 --> 01:06:44,917 So what happens on a doubIe fault? 975 01:06:45,001 --> 01:06:50,339 On a doubIe fault you go to sudden-death elimination. It's Continuation Rule 113-D. 976 01:06:50,423 --> 01:06:53,175 - Whatever. - Hey, guys, wait up. 977 01:06:57,180 --> 01:06:58,597 Justin! 978 01:06:58,682 --> 01:07:02,935 - I've been looking for you everywhere. - Really? I mean, why? What's up? 979 01:07:03,019 --> 01:07:07,189 Derek fell off the roIIer coaster and broke every bone in his body. 980 01:07:07,273 --> 01:07:08,732 Oh, my God, that's awful. 981 01:07:08,775 --> 01:07:12,403 We were the centre Kewpie. With no centre Kewpie we can't do our routine. 982 01:07:12,445 --> 01:07:15,531 - Oh, no. I'm sorry. - You gotta do it. 983 01:07:15,615 --> 01:07:17,282 What?! 984 01:07:17,367 --> 01:07:19,451 No, no, no, no, no. I... I can't. 985 01:07:19,536 --> 01:07:23,372 Oh, pIease. You are the only one in Las Vegas who knows our routine. 986 01:07:23,456 --> 01:07:29,044 - The dodgeball championship's at noon. - You'll be back in time. I promise. 987 01:07:29,129 --> 01:07:30,504 (mouths) 988 01:07:32,090 --> 01:07:33,757 - AII right, I'II do it. - Yes! 989 01:07:33,842 --> 01:07:35,968 - I gotta tell the guys. - No. No time. 990 01:07:36,052 --> 01:07:37,720 - I gotta tell the guys. - No time! 991 01:07:39,597 --> 01:07:44,601 Average Joe's are a 50-1 underdog here today. No one is giving them much of a chance. 992 01:07:44,686 --> 01:07:46,520 What do you think, Pep? 993 01:07:46,604 --> 01:07:48,772 I spoke to White Goodman before the match 994 01:07:48,857 --> 01:07:53,986 and he told me that his team reaIIy wants to win this one. 995 01:07:54,028 --> 01:07:57,489 Right. And the stage is set for Darwin's crueIIest play to unfold. 996 01:07:57,532 --> 01:08:01,326 So don't go anywhere, foIks. The Schadenfreude is about to begin. 997 01:08:01,411 --> 01:08:05,831 - I don't understand. Why would Peter leave? - He knows we're gonna get killed. 998 01:08:05,915 --> 01:08:11,170 Hey. That's not true. I don't know why Peter Ieft, but we can do this without him. 999 01:08:11,296 --> 01:08:14,506 We just have to figure it out. Owen, you'll have to play. 1000 01:08:14,591 --> 01:08:18,010 - OK, yeah. - Great. But we'll still be two players short. 1001 01:08:18,094 --> 01:08:22,222 We're stiII missing the teenage Iove-puppy and Steve the Pirate. 1002 01:08:22,307 --> 01:08:24,767 Who's Steve the Pirate? 1003 01:08:24,851 --> 01:08:28,687 The only guy on our team who dresses like a pirate. 1004 01:08:28,772 --> 01:08:32,941 Wait. There's a guy on our team dressed like a pirate? 1005 01:08:34,527 --> 01:08:42,284 (PA) And now, Iet's hear it for the West Davenport High School Charging Donkeys! 1006 01:08:42,368 --> 01:08:46,038 - Donkeys! Whoo! - (aII shout) 1007 01:09:09,103 --> 01:09:10,729 Go, Donkeys! 1008 01:09:13,566 --> 01:09:16,568 - We did it! - Holy cow! My God! 1009 01:09:16,694 --> 01:09:20,072 - Oh, it was perfect. You were perfect. - Oh, God, I gotta go. 1010 01:09:20,156 --> 01:09:22,407 Wait. Aren't you gonna stay for the trophy? 1011 01:09:22,534 --> 01:09:25,327 I'm sorry, Amber. I got my own trophy to win. 1012 01:09:42,011 --> 01:09:44,513 Now I'm going. 1013 01:09:49,519 --> 01:09:54,273 (Cotton) Here come the PurpIe Cobras, Ied by White Goodman. All business. 1014 01:09:54,357 --> 01:09:57,943 We haven't seen Average Joe's yet. They haven't made it to the court. 1015 01:09:58,027 --> 01:10:01,572 It could be a psychoIogicaI ploy, or something worse. 1016 01:10:01,656 --> 01:10:06,076 (Pepper) They're definiteIy not on the court, Cotton. Their absence is noticeabIe. 1017 01:10:06,160 --> 01:10:10,914 (Cotton) We'll be right back after these words from our sponsors... 1018 01:10:12,625 --> 01:10:14,918 Can I get a bottIe of water? 1019 01:10:17,422 --> 01:10:19,798 Aren't you Peter La Fleur? 1020 01:10:20,800 --> 01:10:24,553 - Lance Armstrong? - Yeah, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours. 1021 01:10:24,637 --> 01:10:28,515 - Really? - Yeah, I've been watching the dodgeball. 1022 01:10:28,600 --> 01:10:33,604 I just can't get enough of it. I'm really pullin' for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. 1023 01:10:34,230 --> 01:10:37,649 I think you better hurry up or you're gonna be late. 1024 01:10:37,734 --> 01:10:42,195 - Actually, I decided to quit, Lance. - Quit? 1025 01:10:43,031 --> 01:10:49,161 Once I thought of quittin', when I had brain, lung and testicular cancer at the same time. 1026 01:10:49,871 --> 01:10:52,664 But with the support of my friends I got back on the bike 1027 01:10:52,790 --> 01:10:55,500 and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. 1028 01:10:55,543 --> 01:10:59,588 But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. 1029 01:10:59,672 --> 01:11:03,300 What are you dying from that's keepin' you from the finals? 1030 01:11:03,384 --> 01:11:07,596 Right now, it feels a little bit Iike... shame. 1031 01:11:07,680 --> 01:11:13,477 If peopIe never quit when the going got tough they'd have nothing to regret all their lives. 1032 01:11:13,561 --> 01:11:18,565 Good Iuck to you, Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever. 1033 01:11:25,031 --> 01:11:29,117 Steve? Steve the Pirate? "Scurvy!" 1034 01:11:29,202 --> 01:11:33,413 - No. Not ringing any beIIs. - Forget it, man. 1035 01:11:33,498 --> 01:11:37,793 We'll play with four people. It's not an advantage. Can't you bend the rules? 1036 01:11:37,877 --> 01:11:42,255 There's nothing I can do. RuIes are rules. You don't have enough players. 1037 01:11:42,382 --> 01:11:46,385 Inform the committee and Mr Goodman about Average Joe's forfeit. 1038 01:11:46,427 --> 01:11:49,721 - Yes, sir. - Better luck next year. 1039 01:11:51,391 --> 01:11:52,975 Excuse me. 1040 01:11:53,059 --> 01:11:56,561 Sorry I'm late. You won't beIieve what just happened. Hey, guys. 1041 01:11:56,604 --> 01:11:59,398 You're just in time to help us forfeit. 1042 01:11:59,524 --> 01:12:01,566 Forfeit? Why? 1043 01:12:03,528 --> 01:12:06,738 WeII, I don't know what to tell you, but... 1044 01:12:06,823 --> 01:12:10,867 Yes, I'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players 1045 01:12:10,952 --> 01:12:13,912 and will be forfeiting the championship match. 1046 01:12:13,997 --> 01:12:17,082 It's a boId strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em. 1047 01:12:17,166 --> 01:12:22,838 To the tournament fIoor we go, for the sceptre presentation from the DodgebaII Chancellor. 1048 01:12:22,922 --> 01:12:26,717 Ladies and gentlemen, by the power vested in me 1049 01:12:26,801 --> 01:12:32,055 by our governing body, the American DodgebaII Association of America, 1050 01:12:32,140 --> 01:12:36,852 and in concurrence with our sponsors, Lumber Liquidators and Omaha Steaks, 1051 01:12:36,936 --> 01:12:39,104 it gives me great pleasure 1052 01:12:39,188 --> 01:12:44,109 to declare the winner of this year's Las Vegas International Tournament to be... 1053 01:12:44,193 --> 01:12:46,445 Wait! He's here! 1054 01:12:50,908 --> 01:12:53,660 Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. 1055 01:12:53,786 --> 01:12:55,871 We're ready to play, Your Honour. 1056 01:12:55,955 --> 01:13:00,959 Too late. Your lovable band of losers already forfeited. The trophy and money are mine. 1057 01:13:01,002 --> 01:13:04,588 He's right. The team already forfeited. There's nothing you can do. 1058 01:13:04,672 --> 01:13:08,008 FaciaI, La Fleur! TotaI facial! Whoo! 1059 01:13:08,509 --> 01:13:10,385 Actually, that's not true. 1060 01:13:10,470 --> 01:13:14,765 The committee can overrule the chancellor - that's you, sir - by a two-thirds vote. 1061 01:13:14,849 --> 01:13:17,184 He's right. He's right. It's a byIaw. 1062 01:13:19,353 --> 01:13:21,980 - It's a byIaw! - What's a byIaw? 1063 01:13:22,982 --> 01:13:26,526 - (Cotton) Hang on a second here, foIks. - (all chant) Let them play! 1064 01:13:26,652 --> 01:13:30,530 We might just have a championship game yet. 1065 01:13:30,615 --> 01:13:33,700 Listen to this crowd. 1066 01:13:33,826 --> 01:13:35,994 UnbeIievabIe! 1067 01:13:36,079 --> 01:13:41,416 Pepper, it's cIear what the crowd wants, but the committee members have the final say. 1068 01:13:41,501 --> 01:13:44,753 And it looks like they've come to a decision. 1069 01:13:44,837 --> 01:13:47,631 Joe's needs two "yes" votes to play. 1070 01:13:47,715 --> 01:13:51,134 - There's a thumbs-up. Good news for Joe's. - Oh, please. 1071 01:13:51,219 --> 01:13:54,429 - Let's see how our second judge votes. - Thank you. 1072 01:13:54,514 --> 01:14:01,686 Oh, tough sledding there. It's all even. Their fate hangs on the thumb of our final judge. 1073 01:14:01,729 --> 01:14:05,315 Thumbs up! Average Joe's can play! 1074 01:14:05,399 --> 01:14:08,693 That is pure poppycock! You're gonna Iet them do that? 1075 01:14:08,778 --> 01:14:12,280 - Thank you, Chuck Norris. - Thank you, Peter. 1076 01:14:14,075 --> 01:14:17,744 All right, captains. Shake hands, and let's have a clean match. 1077 01:14:17,829 --> 01:14:19,913 Good Iuck, White. 1078 01:14:21,415 --> 01:14:24,626 Cram it up your cramhole, La Fleur. 1079 01:14:24,710 --> 01:14:28,171 Prepare to be humiliated on cable television. 1080 01:14:28,256 --> 01:14:30,340 Whatever. 1081 01:14:32,301 --> 01:14:35,470 - Nice of you to show up. - Yeah, I thought so too. 1082 01:14:35,555 --> 01:14:38,473 What? I got a pIan. 1083 01:14:40,393 --> 01:14:46,439 Let's pIay smart. Wait for two-on-ones. Cover closely for your pick-ups. What's our motto? 1084 01:14:46,524 --> 01:14:48,733 - "Aim low". - That's right. 1085 01:14:48,818 --> 01:14:51,820 All I'm asking is that you give it your best for Patches. 1086 01:14:51,904 --> 01:14:56,199 I say we go out there, let it all hang loose, try to have some fun. 1087 01:14:56,284 --> 01:14:58,952 I mean, it's only dodgeball, right? 1088 01:14:59,036 --> 01:15:03,165 - Put 'em in. One, two, three. - (all) Joe's! 1089 01:15:26,772 --> 01:15:29,065 Globo Gym, ready? 1090 01:15:29,150 --> 01:15:32,068 Average Joe's, ready? 1091 01:15:34,363 --> 01:15:35,363 DodgebaII! 1092 01:15:35,448 --> 01:15:40,869 (Cotton) Championship match is under way. Average Joe's versus the GIobo Gym Goliath. 1093 01:15:42,163 --> 01:15:44,915 Quick elimination there for Kate Veatch. 1094 01:15:46,250 --> 01:15:49,502 White Goodman's hit, but that baII's up for grabs. And... 1095 01:15:49,587 --> 01:15:51,546 - It's caught! - That's a catch. 1096 01:15:51,631 --> 01:15:55,217 - You're out, La Fleur. - (Cotton) Peter La Fleur has gotta sit down. 1097 01:15:55,301 --> 01:15:58,553 And Joe's has lost their two best players early. 1098 01:15:58,930 --> 01:16:01,139 Dwight Baumgarten still pIaying hard. 1099 01:16:01,182 --> 01:16:03,934 Hits Me'SheII Jones right on the dome! 1100 01:16:03,976 --> 01:16:05,977 You're mine next time. 1101 01:16:08,898 --> 01:16:14,319 Oh! Right in the tokus! 2-1, ese, and Globo Gym is dominating. 1102 01:16:18,366 --> 01:16:20,825 - Hi. - Hey. 1103 01:16:22,703 --> 01:16:25,497 - You're out! - (Cotton) I don't know what that was, 1104 01:16:25,581 --> 01:16:30,377 but it leaves Joe's on the wrong side of a 4-2 advantage. 1105 01:16:30,461 --> 01:16:33,505 Joe's gets an elimination. It's two on three. 1106 01:16:33,589 --> 01:16:35,215 Get out! 1107 01:16:35,299 --> 01:16:37,676 Gordo! Lose your temper! Get mad! 1108 01:16:39,637 --> 01:16:43,807 White Goodman with a catch! Gordon Pibb goes out, Me'Shell Jones comes back in. 1109 01:16:43,891 --> 01:16:45,684 You're out, four-eyes. 1110 01:16:45,726 --> 01:16:50,188 WeII, it's all up to Average Joe's youngest member. He's gotta make a pIay here, Pepper. 1111 01:16:50,273 --> 01:16:51,982 Word, Cotton. 1112 01:16:52,066 --> 01:16:57,445 Four Cobras and one Joe. Even a rabid mongoose wouIdn't have a chance now. 1113 01:16:57,530 --> 01:17:00,282 - Nice dodge. - Stay alive! Stay alive! 1114 01:17:02,451 --> 01:17:04,869 They're just toying with the young man now. 1115 01:17:04,954 --> 01:17:07,914 (Pepper) He's gotta avoid getting hit. That's the key. 1116 01:17:07,999 --> 01:17:09,833 Justin, Iet's go! 1117 01:17:11,043 --> 01:17:12,544 What a great catch! 1118 01:17:12,670 --> 01:17:16,047 And another! Peter La Fleur comes back into the game. 1119 01:17:16,132 --> 01:17:20,135 Just like that, a three-player swing. Joe's isn't done yet. 1120 01:17:20,219 --> 01:17:21,845 Justin! 1121 01:17:21,929 --> 01:17:24,514 I love you! 1122 01:17:24,598 --> 01:17:26,516 I love you t... 1123 01:17:27,226 --> 01:17:29,269 Joanie loves Chachi! 1124 01:17:29,353 --> 01:17:33,106 Two pIayers left on each side. What a match. What a sport. 1125 01:17:33,733 --> 01:17:39,446 Throw out the rule book, foIks, it's down and dirty now. Street dodgeball. 1126 01:17:41,157 --> 01:17:44,993 Look out! La Fleur goes down - he's a sitting duck! 1127 01:17:50,082 --> 01:17:56,212 How about that, folks? Kate Veatch takes the bullet for Peter La Fleur. Now that's sacrifice. 1128 01:17:56,297 --> 01:18:01,259 As touching a moment as we've seen on the dodgebaII court all tournament. 1129 01:18:01,344 --> 01:18:02,052 Hey! 1130 01:18:02,094 --> 01:18:04,763 A blatant cheap shot from White Goodman. 1131 01:18:04,889 --> 01:18:09,601 - That's court misconduct! That's a warning! - Oh, come on! Gimme a break! 1132 01:18:10,728 --> 01:18:12,270 - You OK? - Yeah, I'm fine. 1133 01:18:12,355 --> 01:18:14,856 - Jesus. Are you sure? - Yeah. I'm all right. 1134 01:18:14,940 --> 01:18:18,109 - It was an accident. I thought she was in pIay. - Not a chance. 1135 01:18:18,194 --> 01:18:21,237 We're sweating like greased monkeys. I can't hold on to a baII. 1136 01:18:21,280 --> 01:18:24,574 Sorry, miss, but you're out. You gotta get off the court. 1137 01:18:24,617 --> 01:18:26,409 Watch him, man. 1138 01:18:26,494 --> 01:18:28,828 - Hey, Peter. - Yeah? 1139 01:18:28,913 --> 01:18:30,705 Kick his ass. 1140 01:18:31,290 --> 01:18:34,459 - (Cotton) Here's the restart. - PIayers, to your positions. 1141 01:18:34,543 --> 01:18:39,047 Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one, a 'ménage à trois of pain. 1142 01:18:39,131 --> 01:18:42,884 Usually you pay doubIe for that kind of action, Cotton. 1143 01:18:44,845 --> 01:18:48,598 You're pIaying ready dodgeball. Balls are at your feet. 1144 01:18:48,682 --> 01:18:51,017 Ready? Dodgeball! 1145 01:18:51,102 --> 01:18:56,231 It's a cat-and-mouse game, folks. Peter La Fleur has gotta wait for his shot. 1146 01:18:59,652 --> 01:19:02,278 He gets the elimination! 1147 01:19:03,489 --> 01:19:09,244 Oh, my! GIobo Gym wins! A Cinderella story cast asunder! 1148 01:19:09,328 --> 01:19:13,456 Average Joe's has come all this way for nothing. Absolutely nothing. 1149 01:19:13,499 --> 01:19:16,292 (Pepper) They're not gonna get anything, Cotton. 1150 01:19:17,461 --> 01:19:21,589 No eIimination! Double fault! You stepped over the line on the throw. 1151 01:19:21,674 --> 01:19:25,718 What?! You gotta be out of your mind! That is the worst call I've ever seen! 1152 01:19:25,803 --> 01:19:30,181 I'm out here busting my butt and you come in with a bush-league caII Iike that? BuIIcrap! 1153 01:19:30,266 --> 01:19:35,270 ADAA Continuation Rule 113-D, sir. Sudden death! 1154 01:19:35,354 --> 01:19:36,813 All right! Bring it! 1155 01:19:36,897 --> 01:19:40,358 (Cotton) I don't believe it, folks. Sudden death. 1156 01:19:40,443 --> 01:19:42,193 WeII, Iet me tell you, 1157 01:19:42,278 --> 01:19:48,116 a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919, 1158 01:19:48,200 --> 01:19:50,952 and I think we all remember how that turned out. 1159 01:19:51,036 --> 01:19:57,709 Ladies and gentlemen, it's the greatest happening in sport. Sudden-death dodgeball. 1160 01:19:57,793 --> 01:20:00,170 Pepper needs new shorts! 1161 01:20:02,214 --> 01:20:05,425 White, Peter, this is sudden death. 1162 01:20:05,885 --> 01:20:11,473 Only striking an opposing player eliminates him. Catching the ball does nothing. 1163 01:20:11,557 --> 01:20:15,560 Both feet must remain in the triangle at all times. 1164 01:20:15,644 --> 01:20:20,356 You may throw any time after my call. Understood? 1165 01:20:21,275 --> 01:20:25,111 OK. Let's have a clean match. Good Iuck, gentlemen. 1166 01:20:25,613 --> 01:20:28,531 This is it, La Loser. 1167 01:20:29,992 --> 01:20:33,703 You ready for the - whoo! - hurricane? 1168 01:20:34,788 --> 01:20:38,541 Just don't go cryin' to mama when I spank you in front of all these peopIe. 1169 01:20:39,668 --> 01:20:44,756 You don't go crying to your daddy after I wipe it up with your face. 1170 01:20:46,342 --> 01:20:49,260 - Oh, White? - Yeah? 1171 01:20:49,345 --> 01:20:53,973 - You look awful fat in those pants. - (referee) Players, to your positions. 1172 01:20:54,099 --> 01:20:57,894 (Cotton) This is about gamesmanship. Throw early and you're defenceless. 1173 01:20:57,937 --> 01:21:04,108 Throw late and you're eliminated. Dilemma, thy name is dodgeball. 1174 01:21:04,193 --> 01:21:07,320 This sport doesn't buiId character, it reveals it. 1175 01:21:07,404 --> 01:21:10,490 Effin' A, Cotton. Effin' A! 1176 01:21:12,284 --> 01:21:14,369 Come on, taIk to me. 1177 01:21:15,955 --> 01:21:18,206 Listen up, crotch stain. 1178 01:21:18,290 --> 01:21:22,669 Remember your training and trust your instincts. 1179 01:21:22,753 --> 01:21:25,547 You can do it. I believe in you. 1180 01:21:28,467 --> 01:21:30,260 Bye-bye. 1181 01:21:30,344 --> 01:21:31,386 Right. 1182 01:21:31,470 --> 01:21:34,389 (referee) Players, turn and step in. 1183 01:21:50,155 --> 01:21:52,699 What the hell's he doing? 1184 01:21:52,825 --> 01:21:55,451 I don't know. 1185 01:21:57,538 --> 01:21:58,830 Get a Ioad of this guy. 1186 01:21:58,872 --> 01:22:02,750 In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I'd seen it all, folks. 1187 01:22:02,835 --> 01:22:06,754 But it Iooks Iike Peter La FIeur has actually bIindfolded himself. 1188 01:22:06,839 --> 01:22:09,632 He wiII not be able to see very well, Cotton. 1189 01:22:19,184 --> 01:22:21,728 Ready? 1190 01:22:26,525 --> 01:22:27,900 DodgebaII! 1191 01:22:27,985 --> 01:22:29,902 (all gasp) 1192 01:22:32,656 --> 01:22:34,907 Whoo-hooey! 1193 01:22:34,992 --> 01:22:37,285 Goodbye, Peter. 1194 01:22:37,369 --> 01:22:40,204 I always knew you were weak. 1195 01:22:43,709 --> 01:22:46,502 Air Goodman, comin' at ya! 1196 01:22:51,300 --> 01:22:52,592 No-o-o! 1197 01:22:54,303 --> 01:22:57,430 (Cotton) Down goes Goodman! Down goes Goodman! 1198 01:22:57,556 --> 01:23:00,892 Winner! Average Joe's! 1199 01:23:04,396 --> 01:23:08,107 - (Cotton) Do you believe in unlikelihoods? - Wow! 1200 01:23:08,192 --> 01:23:11,444 Average Joe's shocking the dodgebaII world 1201 01:23:11,528 --> 01:23:15,740 and upsetting Globo Gym in the championship match. 1202 01:23:15,824 --> 01:23:17,200 UnbeIievabIe! 1203 01:23:17,284 --> 01:23:21,746 I have been to the Great Wall of China. I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt. 1204 01:23:21,830 --> 01:23:24,415 I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel. 1205 01:23:24,500 --> 01:23:26,834 But never in all my years as a sportscaster 1206 01:23:26,919 --> 01:23:32,090 have I witnessed something as improbable, as impossible, as what we've witnessed here. 1207 01:23:32,174 --> 01:23:36,969 The little team that could, Average Joe's Gymnasium, underdogs throughout, 1208 01:23:37,054 --> 01:23:41,933 stand before us, agIow, as true dodgeball champions. 1209 01:23:42,017 --> 01:23:46,688 On behalf of the American Dodgeball Association of America, 1210 01:23:46,772 --> 01:23:51,275 it is my honour to present to you this cheque for $50,000. 1211 01:23:51,360 --> 01:23:53,486 (cheering and shouting) 1212 01:23:57,533 --> 01:24:00,618 What are you so happy about, La FIeur? None of this matters. 1213 01:24:00,661 --> 01:24:05,248 You signed your gym over to me last night, remember? You lost, I won. 1214 01:24:05,332 --> 01:24:07,500 Suck faiIure, freaks. 1215 01:24:07,584 --> 01:24:10,837 Peter, is that true? 1216 01:24:10,921 --> 01:24:12,922 Yeah, it's true. 1217 01:24:13,006 --> 01:24:16,342 It's true I sold Average Joe's to White. 1218 01:24:16,427 --> 01:24:18,886 It's true that every man has his price. 1219 01:24:18,971 --> 01:24:23,975 And it's also true that money won is a Iot sweeter than money earned. 1220 01:24:24,059 --> 01:24:28,438 - Now he's a philosophiser. - Excuse us. Step aside, please. 1221 01:24:29,565 --> 01:24:31,983 Your winnings, Mr La Fleur. CongratuIations. 1222 01:24:32,025 --> 01:24:36,070 - Right on time. I appreciate it. Thank you. - What is that? W-what winnings? 1223 01:24:36,155 --> 01:24:40,825 Gosh, I totaIIy forgot to teII you. I took the $100,000 bribe that you gave me last night, 1224 01:24:40,909 --> 01:24:43,995 and I put it on us to win. We were going off at 50-1. 1225 01:24:44,079 --> 01:24:47,498 Anyone? Top of your head? What's 50 times $100,000? 1226 01:24:47,583 --> 01:24:49,000 $50,000? 1227 01:24:49,084 --> 01:24:53,171 $5 million. Peter, are you kidding me? 1228 01:24:53,255 --> 01:24:55,423 Surprise. 1229 01:24:58,719 --> 01:25:03,931 Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all King Midas's siIver. 1230 01:25:04,016 --> 01:25:08,853 The gym is mine. So you can take your band of yellow-beIIied losers and crawl out of here. 1231 01:25:08,937 --> 01:25:11,898 You're right. I can't make you seII Average Joe's to me. 1232 01:25:11,982 --> 01:25:15,818 So I guess I'II just take your advice and invest in something. 1233 01:25:15,903 --> 01:25:20,156 - Say the controIIing stake of GIobo Gym. - That's preposterous. I'd never allow it. 1234 01:25:20,240 --> 01:25:24,035 Globo Gym is a pubIicly traded company. There's nothing you can do about it. 1235 01:25:24,119 --> 01:25:29,582 So I would control GIobo Gym and everything that Globo Gym owns, 1236 01:25:29,666 --> 01:25:33,836 which, as of last night, is Average Joe's Gym. 1237 01:25:35,214 --> 01:25:36,672 I'm your new boss, White. 1238 01:25:36,757 --> 01:25:40,134 You can't be my boss! Nobody can! I'm my own boss! I created myseIf! 1239 01:25:40,219 --> 01:25:43,429 - You're fired, pal. - You can't do anything to me! 1240 01:25:43,972 --> 01:25:47,058 You're going down, La FIeur, like a sweet muffin. 1241 01:25:47,142 --> 01:25:50,770 - Another time, another time. - You suck, La Fleur! 1242 01:25:52,648 --> 01:25:54,732 Give me that. 1243 01:25:57,611 --> 01:25:59,654 Man, the blindfold was crazy. 1244 01:25:59,738 --> 01:26:01,614 Hey. 1245 01:26:01,740 --> 01:26:04,408 (normal accent) Peter. 1246 01:26:04,493 --> 01:26:07,078 Look. It's Steve the Pirate. 1247 01:26:09,540 --> 01:26:10,581 Wow. 1248 01:26:10,707 --> 01:26:15,878 I just wanted to teII you that I thought about what you said, and... 1249 01:26:16,922 --> 01:26:19,257 I guess you're right. 1250 01:26:19,341 --> 01:26:21,717 I'm not really a pirate. 1251 01:26:23,053 --> 01:26:25,638 I don't know, Steve. 1252 01:26:25,722 --> 01:26:27,932 If you're not a pirate, 1253 01:26:28,016 --> 01:26:31,894 who the hell am I gonna spIit all that buried treasure with? 1254 01:26:33,230 --> 01:26:35,231 Gar! 1255 01:26:37,025 --> 01:26:38,901 (pirate accent) Peter... 1256 01:26:38,986 --> 01:26:40,862 Gar, Steve. 1257 01:26:43,407 --> 01:26:45,324 Ha haar! 1258 01:26:46,368 --> 01:26:48,035 We missed you! 1259 01:26:51,039 --> 01:26:54,876 Hey, you. 1260 01:26:56,587 --> 01:26:58,629 - Joyce? - Kate. 1261 01:26:59,089 --> 01:27:03,634 - I thought you were in Guam. - I caught an early flight. I wouIdn't miss this. 1262 01:27:03,719 --> 01:27:05,970 You are amazing. 1263 01:27:09,641 --> 01:27:14,270 - I toId you she was a lesbian. - Wow. Good call. 1264 01:27:14,771 --> 01:27:17,857 Hey. I'm not a lesbian. 1265 01:27:17,941 --> 01:27:19,609 You're not? 1266 01:27:19,693 --> 01:27:21,235 No. 1267 01:27:21,320 --> 01:27:23,779 I'm bisexuaI. 1268 01:27:25,032 --> 01:27:27,325 Oh! Snap! 1269 01:27:27,910 --> 01:27:31,412 All right, everybody. SmiIe big. 1270 01:27:36,293 --> 01:27:40,212 Hi. I'm Peter La Fleur, owner and operator of Average Joe's Gym. 1271 01:27:40,297 --> 01:27:43,966 I'm here to tell you you're perfect just the way you are. 1272 01:27:44,051 --> 01:27:49,764 But if you feeI Iike losin' a few pounds, gettin' healthier, and makin' friends in the process, 1273 01:27:49,848 --> 01:27:51,682 Joe's is the place for you. 1274 01:27:51,725 --> 01:27:55,186 Don't forget that youth dodgeball classes are forming right now. 1275 01:27:55,270 --> 01:28:00,149 So come on down and learn a great game the way it's supposed to be played. Right, kids? 1276 01:28:00,233 --> 01:28:02,360 (all) Right! 1277 01:28:08,367 --> 01:28:10,493 (mimics chiIdren's laughter) 1278 01:28:11,870 --> 01:28:14,038 Spare me. 1279 01:28:14,122 --> 01:28:16,624 I won that tournament. 1280 01:28:19,294 --> 01:28:22,129 Fucking Chuck Norris. 1281 01:28:22,214 --> 01:28:26,342 (♪ "Different Drum" by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes) 1282 01:29:38,665 --> 01:29:41,792 (♪ "StiII in Me" by the Bleacher Heroes) 1283 01:31:27,607 --> 01:31:30,776 Yeah. I hope you're aII happy now. 1284 01:31:30,861 --> 01:31:33,404 Good guy wins, bad guy loses. 1285 01:31:33,488 --> 01:31:36,073 Big friggin' surprise. 1286 01:31:37,159 --> 01:31:39,160 I love happy endings. 1287 01:31:42,164 --> 01:31:46,500 You know, that's the problem with the American cinema. 1288 01:31:46,585 --> 01:31:49,086 Can't handle any complexity in it, you know? 1289 01:31:49,171 --> 01:31:53,424 "Don't make me think, I just wanna be entertained." 1290 01:31:53,466 --> 01:31:55,426 All right, fine. 1291 01:31:55,468 --> 01:31:59,138 You want a Iittle somethin'-somethin' for the ride home? 1292 01:31:59,264 --> 01:32:01,765 Check these boots out for size. 1293 01:32:01,808 --> 01:32:03,559 (♪ "MiIkshake" by KeIis) 1294 01:32:03,643 --> 01:32:05,853 ♪ My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard 1295 01:32:05,937 --> 01:32:08,105 ♪ And they're like, "It's better than yours" 1296 01:32:08,190 --> 01:32:10,149 ♪ Damn right, it's better than yours 1297 01:32:10,233 --> 01:32:12,902 ♪ I could teach you, but I'd have to charge 1298 01:32:13,945 --> 01:32:18,115 ♪ What the boys go crazy for 1299 01:32:19,409 --> 01:32:20,618 ♪ They lose their minds 1300 01:32:20,660 --> 01:32:23,037 ♪ My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard 1301 01:32:23,121 --> 01:32:24,914 ♪ Damn right, it's better than yours 1302 01:32:24,998 --> 01:32:28,626 ♪ I could teach you, but I'd have to charge