1 00:00:23,941 --> 00:00:25,525 MAN: Let's call American Express. You lost your card, 2 00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,777 (WOMAN LAUGHS) And you don't know what the number of it is. 3 00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:28,986 GEORGE: That's a great one. 4 00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:30,071 MAN: Do the old lady. 5 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:32,407 GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN) I lost my card. 6 00:00:32,491 --> 00:00:33,533 (WOMAN LAUGHING) 7 00:00:33,617 --> 00:00:35,493 WOMAN: Your... Your accent went in and out on you sometimes. 8 00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:36,869 GEORGE: I went southern and then... 9 00:00:36,954 --> 00:00:38,454 ON PHONE: American Express. I'm Danille, how may I help you? 10 00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:40,707 GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN) I certainly need some assistance. 11 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:44,127 I'm sorry to call you in such a frenzy, 12 00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:48,381 but I'm very shook up. I got my American Express card stolen. 13 00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:51,175 WOMAN: Okay, can I have your last name, please? 14 00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:52,260 GEORGE: Yes. 15 00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:54,053 What's your last name? 16 00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:55,221 Right. 17 00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:58,099 Okay, can you give me your name so I can look up your account? 18 00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,225 Yes. Helen. 19 00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:00,685 What's your last name, please? 20 00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:01,978 Easafawn. 21 00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:03,938 What? 22 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,022 (WOMAN SNICKERS) 23 00:01:05,107 --> 00:01:07,900 Helen Easafawn. 24 00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:10,611 E-A 25 00:01:11,822 --> 00:01:15,992 S-A-fawn. 26 00:01:17,494 --> 00:01:19,245 ON PHONE: Jerry's Famous Deli. This is Cindy. May I help you? 27 00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:22,999 Hi. I have no legs. May I speak to the manager? 28 00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:24,250 (RECEIVER CLICKS) 29 00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:25,835 (MAN LAUGHING) 30 00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:31,591 Now, if I get a bill and it's something, like, for... 31 00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:33,092 (STUTTERING) 32 00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:36,262 (ALL SNICKER) 33 00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:41,684 But two times in a row I eat the damn roast beef and I'm... 34 00:01:42,686 --> 00:01:46,272 I can't stop going to the bathroom! 35 00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:49,066 MAN: Well, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do for you. 36 00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:50,401 MAN: Ma? 37 00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:53,321 And my son thinks I'm crazy. 38 00:01:53,405 --> 00:01:54,822 Ma, who you calling? 39 00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:57,074 It's Jerry's. And don't tell me not to call them. 40 00:01:57,159 --> 00:01:59,243 Jesus Christ, get off the fucking phone! 41 00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:00,286 Don't talk to me that way! 42 00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:02,288 Get off the fucking phone! 43 00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:03,372 What's going on? 44 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:04,749 MAN: Same thing as the last time. 45 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,125 Did she... What'd she call you about? 46 00:02:06,210 --> 00:02:07,376 The roast beef? Yes. 47 00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:09,462 All right, she just puked in the kitchen. 48 00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:11,923 That's all right. I suggested that she doesn't eat roast beef 49 00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,925 if it doesn't agree with her. 50 00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:16,385 (WOMAN SNICKERING) 51 00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:23,309 I... I appreciate your suggestions, but I love roast beef. 52 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:24,894 It's delicious! 53 00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:27,063 MAN: Go clean up the mess! 54 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:30,399 (CRYING) I can't. Get off of me! 55 00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:32,318 You son of a bitch! 56 00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:33,903 (ALL SNICKERING) 57 00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:36,030 (DIAL TONE) 58 00:02:36,114 --> 00:02:37,990 (ALL LAUGHING) 59 00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:19,115 George? 60 00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:27,039 GIRL: Hi, Mr. Simmons. 61 00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:28,416 Ladies. 62 00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:32,920 George Simmons, man! Can I get a picture? 63 00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:35,840 Yeah, yeah. You got it ready? All right, hit me, baby, all right. 64 00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,800 Get a little tittie in there. Come on. 65 00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:39,302 How are you? You're really funny. 66 00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:40,970 Thank you. You're funnier. 67 00:03:41,138 --> 00:03:42,847 (SPEAKS GIBBERISH COMICALLY) 68 00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:44,807 Hello. Hi! 69 00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:46,475 Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Hey, what's up? 70 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,060 GEORGE: Hey. How are you? 71 00:04:02,034 --> 00:04:03,576 Hey, handsome. Doctor. 72 00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:04,619 How are you, kid? 73 00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:05,703 How are you, baby? 74 00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,413 (CLEARS THROAT) 75 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,040 The Lunestas are working, baby. 76 00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:11,417 Those are smooth. No hangover. 77 00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:16,172 Fall asleep, bam. Fucking what was the deal with the Restorils? 78 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:19,884 Why did you give me those? You trying to fuck with me or something? 79 00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:23,596 George, we got the results back from the follow-up of your blood count 80 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,307 and it's not what we hoped for. 81 00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:30,061 As I mentioned earlier, the CBC was abnormal. 82 00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:34,941 Your white blood cells were four times the size that they should be. 83 00:04:35,025 --> 00:04:38,819 And very low hemoglobin, seven grams per deciliter. 84 00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:40,988 I don't understand what you're saying right now. 85 00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:43,616 Can you speak how people speak? 86 00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:47,119 You have a very serious disease. It's called AML. 87 00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:51,916 It's a form of leukemia and I can't predict how this will play out, 88 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:55,628 but I feel you have a rough road ahead of you. 89 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,177 That's George Simmons, right here. 90 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:04,595 George! George! George Simmons! 91 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,098 Hey, man! How, how you doing, man? I'm a big fan of yours. 92 00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:08,891 (INAUDIBLE) 93 00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:31,330 I'm sorry to say we're past the point where traditional structures 94 00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:35,084 like chemotherapy and radiation would be effective at all. 95 00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:39,797 DR. STEVENS: And I think it's best for us to pursue an experimental course. 96 00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:46,637 CHUCK: Here you go, ma'am. Your tamales. 97 00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:48,180 Thanks for shopping at Otto's. Yo, Chuck, 98 00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:50,891 I'm going up at the Comedy & Magic Club doing stand-up. 99 00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:52,184 You should come watch me. 100 00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:54,770 Don't let him suck you in. He's not funny. 101 00:05:55,147 --> 00:05:57,481 Nah, he's right, man. No way, man. That shit was painful. 102 00:05:57,566 --> 00:05:59,567 I mean, it was hard watching you suffer up there. 103 00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:01,318 I had fucking nightmares after that. 104 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:02,862 That was a long time ago. That was months ago. 105 00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:04,155 I've gotten a lot funnier since then. 106 00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:05,364 Then you bored my wife to sleep. 107 00:06:05,449 --> 00:06:06,824 I couldn't get no pussy that night, man. 108 00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:09,410 Don't blame me for your pussy issues. 109 00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:11,037 Are they gonna pay you? Pay me? No! 110 00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:13,039 That's just how it starts. You don't get paid in the beginning. 111 00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:15,249 You gotta, you know, work your way up through the ranks. 112 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,209 My nigger, how the fuck you in show business 113 00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:18,711 when you got no business to show? 114 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,046 I'm supposed to be writing jokes. 115 00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:21,380 I'm supposed to be doing comedy. 116 00:06:21,465 --> 00:06:23,632 I'm not supposed to be making macaroni salad. 117 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,427 I hate it, man. It's depressing. Otto's sucks! 118 00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:28,637 You don't know about no motherfucking hard time, man. 119 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:31,932 I'm a ex-convict, man. Otto's the only place that would hire me. 120 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:33,142 You too good for Otto's now? 121 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:34,560 I'm not too good for it. 122 00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:36,562 I just don't... It's not for me, you know, I'm sorry. 123 00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:38,522 See that bridge? 1,200 bucks. 124 00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:39,607 Okay. 125 00:06:39,691 --> 00:06:42,401 On the house, man! Otto, man! Otto's my lotto. 126 00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:45,070 Come on, man, look. I can't work here anymore, all right? 127 00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:46,822 What, you gonna be on TV or some shit like that? 128 00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:48,824 I am gonna be on TV. The chunky guy on Survivor or some shit? 129 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,367 No, I'm gonna be like Seinfeld. 130 00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:52,203 Get the fuck out of here, man! 131 00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:53,579 You ain't gonna be like Seinfeld. 132 00:06:53,663 --> 00:06:55,664 Seinfeld's my motherfucking man! 133 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,082 Now Kramer, 134 00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,877 Kramer gets a pass from me 'cause Kramer's my nigger. 135 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,004 Well, very forgiving of you. 136 00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:04,256 Look, as a friend, man, let me tell you something. 137 00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:05,800 You're not funny. I think I'm funny. 138 00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:08,052 I got new jokes, man, and they're good. 139 00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:09,303 Let me hear one of your new jokes. 140 00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:11,430 Okay, I got one like, 141 00:07:11,515 --> 00:07:14,016 I'm really good at Guitar Hero, you know, on PlayStation, 142 00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,811 and I was so good at it, I thought, like, "Maybe I should get a guitar." 143 00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:18,813 Then I thought like, "I'm really good at Grand Theft Auto, 144 00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:20,815 "maybe I should start beating up hookers." 145 00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:23,150 Okay, that got me. That was humorous. 146 00:07:23,235 --> 00:07:24,568 I thought you'd like that. 147 00:07:24,653 --> 00:07:26,028 But, yo, I ain't got no dough, man. 148 00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:27,446 For real, if I had some dough, I would go. 149 00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:28,531 I'll pay your cover charge. 150 00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:30,616 That's the night I take my wife out also, 151 00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:32,409 so you gotta pay for my bitch, too. 152 00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:34,787 Okay, I'll do it. Okay. If you come and laugh. Laugh loud. 153 00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:35,871 (LAUGHS) 154 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:36,997 Like that? That's good. Perfect. 155 00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:38,082 I'll see you Saturday then. 156 00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:39,166 Okay, good. Thank you. 157 00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:41,502 Craig, listen to me. I'm doing the best I can, okay? 158 00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:46,173 I wiped your ass our entire childhood. Now it's your turn, buddy! 159 00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:48,467 Well, you're the one that asked the wizard to make you young again. 160 00:07:48,552 --> 00:07:49,927 I didn't mean this young! 161 00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,470 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 162 00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:53,347 Last time I had a suit on, at my bar mitzvah. 163 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:55,140 My bar mitzvah, it was the last... 164 00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:56,892 And now I got the same suit. It's the same suit. 165 00:07:57,143 --> 00:08:00,354 I think it looks good. The bar mitzvah was a good day in my life. 166 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:02,815 I made more money that day than I think I'll ever make again. 167 00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:03,899 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 168 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:07,152 You know, it's really sad. To peak at 13 is a weird feeling. 169 00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:08,195 MAN: This is indicative of the kind of... 170 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,864 GEORGE: Yo. Yo. Shoot that. Look at that! 171 00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:13,200 Both those girls just go, "That's the guy from MTV." 172 00:08:13,285 --> 00:08:15,870 I swear on my life, those two girls, they were just going, 173 00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,414 "That's the guy." It's the second time it happened. 174 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:22,835 I got off a... I got off, I got off the bus, and... 175 00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:24,837 I mean, the train. I'm walking out... 176 00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:03,751 Me and Ann traded shifts. My family's in from Green Bay. 177 00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:06,795 You know, come to see how their daughter's doing in the big city. 178 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,006 You know, wait, you went to school here, right? 179 00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:10,633 (PHONE RINGING) 180 00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,343 LAURA: Hello? 181 00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:15,638 Hey, Laura, it's George. 182 00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:19,433 How's the northern side of California going? 183 00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:21,977 What do you want, George? 184 00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,730 I was wondering if you had a few minutes. 185 00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:27,816 I wanted to talk to you about something. 186 00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:32,738 Actually, I don't. I was just walking out the door. 187 00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:35,991 Is it okay if I get your number and I'll give you a call back later? 188 00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,494 I know I'm not supposed to call you. 189 00:09:38,662 --> 00:09:41,163 I just wanted to let you know that, 190 00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:46,001 that I really am so sorry about everything. 191 00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,172 I'm sorry, I screwed up. 192 00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:54,093 Too bad you didn't realize that back then, but 193 00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:57,471 anyway, I gotta go. Do you want me to call you back? 194 00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:01,350 No, you don't have to call me back. I know you're not going to, 195 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:04,853 but I just wanted to let you know I was sorry one more time. 196 00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:07,856 Okay. Well, all right. Okay, good luck, George. 197 00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,024 Okay. 198 00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:13,862 (CLEARS THROAT) 199 00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:18,784 You know, so, like, I have this joke about how, like, you never see, like, 200 00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:22,413 a very attractive, blonde, big-breasted homeless woman. 201 00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:25,958 You know, like, someone will take care of that person no matter what. 202 00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:27,960 That woman's gonna be fine. All right, so here's the joke. 203 00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,462 You can be attractive and stupid and make it in the world. 204 00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:31,505 Yeah. 205 00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:32,756 And you could be unattractive and smart 206 00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:34,049 and make it in the world. Yeah. 207 00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:37,428 But it's the ugly, dumb people who are really screwed 208 00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:39,179 'cause they're ignorant and an eyesore. 209 00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:40,264 That's funny, man. 210 00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:41,765 That's pretty funny. I think that'll work. 211 00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:43,142 I was thinking of doing this thing where, like, 212 00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:44,768 I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking. 213 00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:46,270 I'm kind of, like, right in the middle, you know. 214 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,982 Like... Like, if I had a good personality, I could get any chick in the world, 215 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,984 but I don't. Yeah, it doesn't work. 216 00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:54,737 I auditioned for Budd Friedman at the improv. 217 00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:56,321 He okayed me and made me a regular. 218 00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:57,865 Budd won't even look me in the eye. 219 00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:00,993 Man, that's... Good for you, man. Congratulations. 220 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,995 You shouldn't have lost all that weight, man. 221 00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,621 There's nothing funny about a physically-fit man. 222 00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:06,540 I know. It's lame, right? Yeah. 223 00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:08,542 No one wants to watch Lance Armstrong do comedy. 224 00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:09,668 (SIGHING) Oh, God. 225 00:11:09,961 --> 00:11:11,170 Hey, Ira. 226 00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:14,423 Oh, hey, Mark. Can you do me a favor and never leave a paycheck 227 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:17,009 from your shit sitcom on my pillow ever again, please? 228 00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:20,220 (SIGHS) That is so rude of me to accidentally leave my paycheck 229 00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:24,057 for $25,000 on your pillow. I'm sorry. 230 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:25,100 It's a dick move. 231 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,560 It's just, they keep coming, 232 00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:27,895 you know, week after week. 233 00:11:27,979 --> 00:11:30,022 It's getting a little bit hard to keep track of them all. 234 00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,648 You know what? Becoming marginally famous 235 00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:33,358 has really turned you into an asshole. 236 00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:37,571 Now listen, I'd love to stay here and chat with you, but we have company. 237 00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:39,865 You know that girl comedian who lives across the street? 238 00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:41,575 The one with the dark hair and the bangs? 239 00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:42,743 Daisy, yeah. Daisy, right. 240 00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:46,079 Well, I bumped into her outside and I invited her in, 241 00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,749 and she's sitting in our living room right now. 242 00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:50,125 She's out there right now? 243 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:53,086 She's hot and she's mousy, but kind of like... 244 00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:55,506 She's mousy like a mouse you want to stick your dick in. 245 00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:57,508 Yeah, you've gotta get out there and talk to her. 246 00:11:57,592 --> 00:11:58,592 Why would you do that? 247 00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:00,010 What do you mean, why would I do that? 248 00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:01,094 I'm trying to hook you up. 249 00:12:01,179 --> 00:12:02,346 Well, I'm laying groundwork, man. 250 00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,389 I got a three-month plan. You can’t just throw me into this. 251 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,600 I'll give you 10 days on your three-month plan. 252 00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:08,268 No, I need 80 more days than that! 253 00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:12,439 Okay, I do this because I care about you. I do this to motivate you. 254 00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:16,401 But I will fuck that girl in 10 days. I promise. 255 00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:18,153 Come on, dude, I'm not cute like you. 256 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:21,573 I don't look like Jackson Browne. I look like Jon Favreau! 257 00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:24,117 Don't do this to me. Don't make me fuck her. 258 00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:25,494 Well, then just don't fuck her! 259 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,955 Don't you put me in this corner where I have to fuck my way out. 260 00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:30,958 He'll do it, too. He'll do it. I've seen him do this before. 261 00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:34,044 I'm gonna go out there and warm her up. I'll see you out there. 262 00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:35,754 Kanye. Kanye! 263 00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:36,922 No. T.I. T.I. 264 00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:38,423 Lil Weezy. It's all about Common. 265 00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,092 Eminem. MARK: But do you guys know 266 00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:42,427 who the greatest rapper of all time is? 267 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:46,473 (SINGING) William Shakespeare! 268 00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:47,641 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 269 00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:51,061 I know it's silly, but it's fun. You know, people like it. 270 00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:52,312 Yeah. You know? 271 00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:54,898 It's just cool that you're on TV. I mean... 272 00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:56,900 I can't believe you haven't seen this before. 273 00:12:57,402 --> 00:13:00,404 Yeah, I can't believe it's gotten by me. 274 00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:04,324 Is it on a kids channel? WB? A teen channel or something? 275 00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:05,409 MARK: No. It's on NBC. 276 00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:06,493 DAISY: Really? 277 00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:08,370 Ira, this is Daisy. Oh! 278 00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:09,705 Daisy, Ira. Hi. 279 00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:10,831 How are you? How's it going? Good. 280 00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:11,999 Actually, I have a cold, so I shouldn't... 281 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,083 Oh! 282 00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:14,543 Air shake. 283 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,211 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 284 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,755 I've actually seen you do comedy at the improv a couple times. 285 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,757 Yeah, you're really... You're really, really funny. 286 00:13:20,842 --> 00:13:22,551 Oh, thanks. 287 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,053 You know, Ira just lost 20 pounds. 288 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:26,889 Oh, congratulations. 289 00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:28,974 Yes, I did. All from my cock. 290 00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:31,310 Um... So... 291 00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:36,189 So, this episode right here is actually a two-parter. 292 00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:39,359 Great, so does that mean we're gonna watch both parts right now? 293 00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,194 Oh, shoot. Oh, God. 294 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:42,613 You need some help with that, Ira? 295 00:13:42,697 --> 00:13:43,989 No! No, it's... 296 00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:46,241 It's okay, I got it. I got it. I got it. 297 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:47,784 Mmm. 298 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,703 (SLURPING) 299 00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:53,665 I'm joking. I'll get a rag. 300 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,876 See you in nine days, Ira! 301 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,002 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 302 00:13:57,086 --> 00:13:58,378 RANDY: I went to a place recently 303 00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:01,381 I'm convinced is the most fucked up, crazy place 304 00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:06,970 I've ever been to. It's a little place called Cold Stone Creamery. 305 00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:08,555 Now, the thing at Cold Stone is... 306 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,183 I can't believe this is what people like. 307 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:17,856 The sizes are "like it," "love it" and "gotta have it!" 308 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:21,068 What kind of crackhead terminology is that? 309 00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:22,235 "What size you want, man?" 310 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,321 "I don't know, man, I just gotta have it! 311 00:14:24,405 --> 00:14:26,740 "Put some ice cream in a cup with some sprinkles! 312 00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:29,576 "Put your dick in a Butterfinger and fuck it for me, please! 313 00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:33,080 "Put it in the cup! I need it! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! 314 00:14:33,164 --> 00:14:35,791 "I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! 315 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,918 "I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!" 316 00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:41,004 (SINGING) That's how it's done, son! That's how it's done, son! 317 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,674 Killed it, man. Crowd was crazy. 318 00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,676 Is it always that wild on a Wednesday? 319 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,427 No, they were... They seem pretty good out there. 320 00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:48,470 I'm really stepping up my game. 321 00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:51,223 These bitches gotta start paying me for this. 322 00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:54,726 Can't get no more free Randy. I just fucked that crowd in the ass. 323 00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:55,769 Yeah. 324 00:14:55,853 --> 00:14:57,854 Just awesome. Just fucking bam! 325 00:14:57,939 --> 00:15:02,192 Crowd, me, bam! Crowd, me... My stand-up's my dick. 326 00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:03,318 (EXCLAIMING) 327 00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:06,113 You know? I'm gonna do the same thing. 328 00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:10,742 Bullshit! Let's get some M&M's and chips going. 329 00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,244 Yellow! MAN: Ira! 330 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,579 Hey. Kevin Rooney didn't show up, 331 00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:16,081 so you're gonna do 10 minutes after Leo. 332 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,417 Really? Okay. Thanks. Yeah. 333 00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:20,419 (MOCKING) "Yeah, thanks, yeah." 334 00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:22,087 (SCOFFS) 335 00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:30,303 (CLEARS THROAT) Hey. Did he just tell you you're going on next? 336 00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:32,305 Yeah, I'm on next. Okay. Well, I'm on after you, 337 00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:34,725 and if you go long, this is going to die in my pocket. 338 00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:35,809 (CHUCKLES) 339 00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,395 That wasn't a joke. I'm not a comic. 340 00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:40,981 Okay, when you get the light that means one minute. 341 00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:42,065 Okay. 342 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:45,318 The other night, I heard my balls and my dick talking. 343 00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:46,862 And my balls were like, 344 00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:48,572 "Are you okay? 345 00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,365 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 346 00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:53,160 "Is he hurting you?" 347 00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:55,954 And my dick's like, "You don't know him like I do. 348 00:15:56,039 --> 00:15:58,206 "He's a great guy. He loves me." 349 00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,209 There's always one guy that laughs way too hard in the... 350 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:02,961 Hey. George Simmons just showed up. 351 00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:05,213 He wants to go on, so you are bumped. 352 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,798 Okay, how long does he do? 353 00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:07,883 How the fuck should I know? 354 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,593 He hasn't been here in five years, but you gotta be ready. 355 00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:10,677 Okay. Okay. 356 00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:13,096 LEO: Thank you, guys! It's really nice to be here! 357 00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,681 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 358 00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:16,433 See that? I fucking killed out there. Yeah, that was good. 359 00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:17,809 Watch out, Leo, watch out. All my new shit worked. 360 00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:18,935 Yeah. Yeah. 361 00:16:19,020 --> 00:16:20,729 I was supposed to go on after you. George Simmons showed up. 362 00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,147 Now I'm gonna go on after him. 363 00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:23,815 George Simmons is going up right now? Yeah. 364 00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:25,192 I just opened for George Simmons? 365 00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:26,526 (SIGHS) Yeah. 366 00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:28,111 That's fucking awesome, man! 367 00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:29,613 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 368 00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:31,573 Yeah! 369 00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:34,409 All right! 370 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,246 Yeah, all right, I'm scared. 371 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,624 I'm scared for all of you guys. 372 00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:44,669 You need me! You need me. I'm not gonna be here forever. 373 00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:49,549 Who's gonna amuse you? It's so simple. 374 00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:50,842 You just look at each other and say... 375 00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:53,178 (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) 376 00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:55,597 Everyone's laughing. 377 00:16:55,681 --> 00:17:00,435 You people are so unamusing you have to pay another person 378 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,855 to come and amuse you. What do you do at home? 379 00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:05,857 Just sit, fucking antsy, all day long, 380 00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:08,485 "When are we gonna get to that amusement place? 381 00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:11,905 "Amuse me." You should be thanking me for those movies. 382 00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:14,241 "Oh! Finally, a movie. Let's watch it together." 383 00:17:14,325 --> 00:17:15,909 That's the beauty of movies, by the way. 384 00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:17,786 You go in there and you don't have to talk to each other. 385 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,746 And it's fun. You could stare at the screen. 386 00:17:20,123 --> 00:17:23,708 And, "Maybe we don't hate each other 'cause we both like this movie. 387 00:17:23,793 --> 00:17:24,793 (LAUGHS) 388 00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,504 "We are connecting on that. 389 00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:30,715 "Hey, we're still together. 390 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,802 "All these years later, we still love each other, right? 391 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:37,472 "During the movie, yes. When the movie's over, 'You fucking bitch. 392 00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:43,103 "'Why am I still with you? We have nothing in common. 393 00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:45,105 "'Something's missing."' 394 00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:47,440 Anyways, I have no religion. 395 00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:49,568 My parents did not believe in God. 396 00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:51,278 That was great. They passed that along. 397 00:17:51,362 --> 00:17:52,487 I didn't even have a fucking choice. 398 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,240 They were like, "Nope, don't do it." 399 00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,742 'Really? So, when Grandpa dies he goes to heaven?" 400 00:17:57,827 --> 00:18:00,287 "Nope, he'll be in the ground." 401 00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:02,581 "Thanks, Dad. Should I sleep now? 'Cause I... 402 00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:04,416 "There's no way I'll have a nightmare tonight." 403 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,377 (EXCLAIMS) "Fuck you. I don't believe in nightmares, either. 404 00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:09,421 "Fags have nightmares. 405 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:14,426 "If there was a God, why would there be a Holocaust? Go to bed, Son. 406 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:15,510 "Pleasant dreams." 407 00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:16,595 Simmons is getting a little dark. 408 00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:17,846 What is he doing? 409 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,181 (EXHALES) 410 00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:22,392 (SOFTLY) When you hear the waitress's footsteps 411 00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:27,606 that's when you know you're not doing well. 412 00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:30,692 (SIGHS) 413 00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:33,528 Oh, boy, it's quiet in here. 414 00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:38,283 You hear that? 415 00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:43,204 I think I can hear the freeway. 416 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:46,541 Hello! I'm Ira Wright. 417 00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:51,129 I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking. 418 00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:52,631 I'm kind of right in the middle. 419 00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:55,133 So, like, if I had a good personality, 420 00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:57,177 that might make it so girls really liked me, 421 00:18:57,261 --> 00:18:59,262 but I don't. So... 422 00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:01,306 Um... Uh... 423 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,310 Okay. George Simmons. Wow. 424 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,437 Now what do we do? 425 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,899 He seems unhappy with his money. Give it to me, I'II... 426 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:13,568 I could really spend that. 427 00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:15,487 (PEOPLE LAUGHING) 428 00:19:15,738 --> 00:19:17,739 If he's depressed with his life, I don't know what I'm gonna do. 429 00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:20,075 I live on my friend's pull-out couch. 430 00:19:21,077 --> 00:19:23,161 So, anyway, I... Wait, did you hear that? 431 00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:26,623 Yeah, George Simmons just shot himself in the face backstage. 432 00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:29,042 It's sad knowing MerMan's crying inside. 433 00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:30,460 Uh-oh! 434 00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:33,088 Is he organizing a mass suicide? Is that where you're going? 435 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,756 Are you joining him? 436 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,425 Save some Kool-Aid for me. Just do it. 437 00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:41,680 Don't worry, the next guy who's coming out has a dove hidden up his asshole, so... 438 00:19:41,764 --> 00:19:43,890 And then Robin Williams is gonna slit his wrists out here. 439 00:19:43,975 --> 00:19:45,350 So, that's nice, also. 440 00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:49,229 I am Ira Wright, everybody. Thank you, very much. Have a good night. 441 00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:51,106 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 442 00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:54,192 (SIGHS) 443 00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:55,694 Give me a break. 444 00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,910 Yo! Hey! Hey! 445 00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:10,125 This fucking guy. 446 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,294 What's up? 447 00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:16,464 Hey. I'm sorry. 448 00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:20,385 I'm parked right on the other side of you and I can't get in. 449 00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:22,971 What, you come here to make some jokes to my face now? 450 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,472 You're hard to follow. I didn't know what to say. 451 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:25,932 I'm sorry about that. No, don't be. 452 00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:28,810 I would've done the same. You had to comment on it. 453 00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:32,272 Yeah, you had some funny shit. 454 00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:33,398 You're a good writer. 455 00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:34,482 Thank you. 456 00:20:35,693 --> 00:20:39,571 Your friend... Is that your friend? The fatter version of you? 457 00:20:39,655 --> 00:20:41,906 He's my roommate. Yeah, he's really funny. 458 00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:44,492 You got good stuff. You're gonna be all right. 459 00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:46,953 Wow, that is so nice of you to say, man. 460 00:20:47,038 --> 00:20:48,580 That's so... I appreciate it. Hey! 461 00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:50,957 You know, well, I've been a really big fan of yours. All of us. 462 00:20:51,042 --> 00:20:53,501 We kind of grew up on your shit and, you know, incidentally. 463 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:56,087 So, that's so nice of you to say, man. Thanks. 464 00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:58,840 Thank you! 465 00:21:00,051 --> 00:21:01,217 Nice to meet you, man! 466 00:21:01,302 --> 00:21:02,302 (ENGINE REVVING) 467 00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:04,512 You're gonna die! 468 00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:09,059 And I'm gonna kill you! 469 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:10,643 (LAUGHING) 470 00:21:10,853 --> 00:21:12,771 (BREATHES DEEPLY) 471 00:21:12,855 --> 00:21:14,689 Man, that was awesome. 472 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,025 (JAPANESE POP MUSIC PLAYING) 473 00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:26,618 LEO: Cats. 474 00:21:27,953 --> 00:21:29,621 Can you dig it? Mmm-hmm. 475 00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:31,039 Just a bunch of cats. 476 00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:33,124 Then me doing stuff. 477 00:21:33,709 --> 00:21:35,752 Then back to the cats doing stuff. 478 00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:39,798 You've gotten 700,000 hits in four days from this? 479 00:21:39,882 --> 00:21:43,760 Yep. If you put "cute kitten" in the title of your YouTube video, 480 00:21:43,886 --> 00:21:45,345 you're gonna get a million hits. Mmm-hmm. 481 00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:46,971 And then I link that to my website 482 00:21:47,056 --> 00:21:49,641 and you can see my stand-up on my website. It's genius. 483 00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:52,685 Why don't you just call it like, "Megan Fox Blows Someone"? 484 00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:55,146 And then more people would google that. 485 00:21:55,231 --> 00:21:58,316 Hi. I've got two girls coming over here in a little bit. 486 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,860 Can you fold up your bed, please, into the couch? 487 00:22:00,945 --> 00:22:02,946 I don't want the place to look like a mess when they get here. 488 00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:03,988 Okay, I'm sorry. I was watching this thing. 489 00:22:04,073 --> 00:22:05,073 (PHONE RINGING) 490 00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:06,449 MARK: All right? Okay. 491 00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:10,286 Hello? 492 00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:12,372 Hey, this is George Simmons. 493 00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:13,790 (LAUGHS) 494 00:22:13,874 --> 00:22:15,959 Fuck you, Craig. What's happening, man? 495 00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:19,087 It's not your dumb-ass friend Craig. It's George Simmons. 496 00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:21,422 Oh! 497 00:22:21,507 --> 00:22:24,342 I'm sorry. Hey. Hey, how's it going, man? 498 00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:27,387 Hey, hey, good job last night. You guys were pretty funny. 499 00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:30,473 You and the triple-XL version of you. 500 00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:34,853 Oh. Yeah. Thank... Thank you. That's... I... Well, I appreciate that. 501 00:22:34,937 --> 00:22:37,021 You guys are all right. Good job. I... 502 00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:40,900 I'm doing this corporate gig for MySpace 503 00:22:41,443 --> 00:22:44,529 and I'm gonna need some jokes and shit. 504 00:22:44,613 --> 00:22:47,282 I was thinking maybe you guys would want to write me some. 505 00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:52,871 You know, he's kind of a flaky guy, but I'm... 506 00:22:52,955 --> 00:22:54,372 I've got nothing going on, man. 507 00:22:54,456 --> 00:22:57,834 I would... I'd love to do that. Sure. Totally. I'm in. 508 00:22:58,294 --> 00:22:59,502 What kind of jokes do you need? 509 00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:03,006 Just shit about them or computers or whatever they like. 510 00:23:03,090 --> 00:23:06,176 When you sprinkle a little lemon there, they get excited, you know. 511 00:23:06,302 --> 00:23:08,178 That's no problem. That makes sense. 512 00:23:08,262 --> 00:23:10,555 So, you want to be held accountable, come watch me do them tomorrow? 513 00:23:10,639 --> 00:23:12,056 I'll take you to the gig. Okay, cool, yeah. 514 00:23:12,141 --> 00:23:14,851 How should I... How should I... How should I get them to you? 515 00:23:15,728 --> 00:23:18,479 I can give you my fax number and my e-mail. 516 00:23:18,564 --> 00:23:19,689 What's your e-mail? 517 00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:21,983 My e-mail? 518 00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:28,323 It's irasexira@yahoo.com. 519 00:23:30,618 --> 00:23:33,077 Wow. I'm just... I'm starting to reconsider asking you. 520 00:23:33,162 --> 00:23:35,580 Don't do that. It's from high school. It was funny then. 521 00:23:35,664 --> 00:23:36,956 Yeah, you should change it. 522 00:23:37,041 --> 00:23:38,791 It's, like, 13 years old. Okay, I will. 523 00:23:38,876 --> 00:23:40,168 I mean change it now. 524 00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:42,420 Okay, I'll change it, I'll change it ASAP. 525 00:23:43,464 --> 00:23:45,173 Okay, don't say "ASAP," either. 526 00:23:45,257 --> 00:23:49,093 And don't say "I'm chilling" or "It's all good" or any of that stuff. 527 00:23:49,178 --> 00:23:52,263 Okay, I don't. I don't chill anyway, so I won't. 528 00:23:52,348 --> 00:23:54,557 And it's not all good, so don't worry. 529 00:23:54,642 --> 00:23:56,184 Okay, Ira. Okay. 530 00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:58,019 All right, Ira. 531 00:23:58,103 --> 00:23:59,604 (LAUGHING) 532 00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:04,943 Guys, that was George Simmons on the phone. 533 00:24:05,027 --> 00:24:06,444 He saw me do stand-up. 534 00:24:06,528 --> 00:24:08,905 He thinks I'm funny! He wants me to write jokes for him! 535 00:24:09,031 --> 00:24:10,531 What? Yep! 536 00:24:11,033 --> 00:24:11,991 Why? 537 00:24:12,076 --> 00:24:13,618 Why? He thinks I'm funny! 538 00:24:13,702 --> 00:24:15,203 This doesn't make any sense at all. 539 00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:16,287 No? 540 00:24:16,789 --> 00:24:18,498 Jeez, I gotta get started. 541 00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:20,750 What is happening? 542 00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:22,043 You forgot about the bed! 543 00:24:24,630 --> 00:24:27,173 Friends. Friends on MySpace. Nerds. 544 00:24:27,258 --> 00:24:29,759 Nerds... Nerds have no friends in real life. 545 00:24:29,843 --> 00:24:33,304 The more friends on MySpace, the less friends you have in real life. 546 00:24:33,389 --> 00:24:35,348 "How does the softball team at MySpace work? 547 00:24:35,432 --> 00:24:38,309 "Does everyone get picked last?" That could be funny. 548 00:24:38,394 --> 00:24:40,812 At some point, you should have George say, "Fuck Facebook!" 549 00:24:40,896 --> 00:24:42,563 "Fuck Facebook in the face!" 550 00:24:42,648 --> 00:24:43,898 (BOTH LAUGH) 551 00:24:43,983 --> 00:24:47,819 So, like, that's funny. All right, tell George I wrote that, okay? 552 00:24:47,903 --> 00:24:48,945 Totally. Totally, man. You gotta be like, 553 00:24:49,029 --> 00:24:50,655 "Leo wrote that." Yeah, no, no, no, totally. 554 00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:06,254 Hey, Ira, I think this is him! 555 00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:10,300 (CHUCKLES) 556 00:25:10,384 --> 00:25:11,801 He's got a limo! 557 00:25:11,885 --> 00:25:12,885 Can we go out and meet him? 558 00:25:12,970 --> 00:25:14,137 No, no, no. You can't say hi to him. 559 00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:16,180 Just let me get in with him a little more 560 00:25:16,265 --> 00:25:17,515 before I introduce people to him. 561 00:25:17,599 --> 00:25:19,017 Don't kiss his ass too hard, all right? 562 00:25:19,101 --> 00:25:21,185 Stars hate it when you kiss their ass too hard. 563 00:25:21,312 --> 00:25:23,187 I hate it when people kiss my ass too hard. You do? 564 00:25:23,272 --> 00:25:24,564 You hate it when people kiss your ass too hard? 565 00:25:24,648 --> 00:25:25,982 I hate it. 566 00:25:34,158 --> 00:25:35,158 Man! 567 00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:38,036 Hey. I feel like we're going to prom. 568 00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:41,706 Okay, well, we're not. Okay, let's hit it! 569 00:25:43,459 --> 00:25:45,209 This is good. I like this one 570 00:25:45,294 --> 00:25:49,047 about the guy from MySpace and the guy from Craigslist getting into a fight. 571 00:25:49,131 --> 00:25:50,340 That's funny. 572 00:25:50,424 --> 00:25:51,841 You're excited. 573 00:25:51,925 --> 00:25:52,884 I am excited. 574 00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:54,135 Yeah, that's good. It's good to be excited. 575 00:25:54,219 --> 00:25:55,470 I used to be excited. 576 00:25:55,554 --> 00:25:57,764 Well, it's awesome. It's exciting. 577 00:25:58,140 --> 00:26:00,183 (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYLNG) 578 00:26:01,769 --> 00:26:03,144 (EXCLAIMS) 579 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,188 (PEOPLE CHEERING) 580 00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:06,731 Wow! 581 00:26:14,823 --> 00:26:16,157 GEORGE: Thank you! 582 00:26:26,835 --> 00:26:28,002 Yeah! 583 00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:31,964 Brought the nice legs with you. Good job. 584 00:26:32,049 --> 00:26:33,716 Hello, hello. Good to see you, sir. 585 00:26:33,801 --> 00:26:35,093 Welcome aboard. Thank you. 586 00:26:35,177 --> 00:26:36,177 The name's Dave. Hi, Dave. 587 00:26:36,261 --> 00:26:37,303 We may hit a few bumps up there, 588 00:26:37,388 --> 00:26:38,596 nothing too crazy. We'll get you there. 589 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:39,680 Okay, cool! All right. 590 00:26:39,807 --> 00:26:41,766 Hope you enjoy Chinese food. I love it! 591 00:26:41,850 --> 00:26:43,768 Very good. Enjoy your flight. Thank you. 592 00:26:44,603 --> 00:26:45,603 Wow! 593 00:26:50,692 --> 00:26:52,860 You guys were a little late, so we had to put up James Taylor first. 594 00:26:52,945 --> 00:26:55,905 Karen, she's a silver sun 595 00:26:55,989 --> 00:26:59,575 You'd best walk her way and watch it shine 596 00:27:00,786 --> 00:27:04,122 Watch her watch the morning come 597 00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:13,381 A silver tear appearing now that I'm cryin', ain't I 598 00:27:13,799 --> 00:27:18,261 I'm going to Carolina in my mind 599 00:27:18,345 --> 00:27:19,554 How'd you guys get him? 600 00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:20,805 Everybody's got their price. 601 00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:23,433 Last year, we had Roger Waters doing Dark Side of the Moon. 602 00:27:24,476 --> 00:27:27,103 That love's the finest thing around... 603 00:27:27,229 --> 00:27:30,189 Okay, I thought it could be funny if you just go, 604 00:27:30,274 --> 00:27:32,233 "Fuck Facebook in the face!" 605 00:27:32,317 --> 00:27:34,986 All right. Hey, you do five minutes before I go up there. 606 00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:39,031 What? No. No, I can't follow Fire and Rain. Are you kidding me, man? 607 00:27:39,116 --> 00:27:41,367 I can't follow it, either. That's why you're going up there. 608 00:27:41,910 --> 00:27:48,791 Oh, yeah 609 00:27:52,588 --> 00:27:54,338 Thank you, MySpace! 610 00:27:57,426 --> 00:27:58,885 Fuck Facebook! 611 00:27:58,969 --> 00:28:00,803 (ALL CHEERING LOUDLY) 612 00:28:01,555 --> 00:28:03,431 I can't believe that. He did the Facebook joke! 613 00:28:03,515 --> 00:28:05,183 (LAUGHING) Yeah! He did the Facebook... 614 00:28:05,267 --> 00:28:07,351 I can't follow this, man. I can't go on right now. 615 00:28:07,436 --> 00:28:11,147 Give me this shit. Get up there. Be a man. 616 00:28:13,150 --> 00:28:14,901 This is a pretty big room. 617 00:28:18,113 --> 00:28:19,530 Lot of people here. 618 00:28:19,948 --> 00:28:23,075 Let's have another round of applause for James Taylor, everybody. 619 00:28:30,125 --> 00:28:32,668 Yeah, do you actually use MySpace? 620 00:28:33,795 --> 00:28:36,756 No, no, no. I fuck girls, Tom. I don't have time for that. 621 00:28:37,466 --> 00:28:40,760 I wonder if Tom and Craig from Craigslist would ever get in a fight with each other. 622 00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:41,886 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 623 00:28:41,970 --> 00:28:44,639 Who would win that fight? That's what I want to know. 624 00:28:49,061 --> 00:28:51,187 Tom or Craig, who's tougher? 625 00:28:51,855 --> 00:28:55,066 Tom has more friends, so that's probably good. 626 00:28:55,150 --> 00:28:57,026 Craig has weirder friends, though. 627 00:28:57,110 --> 00:28:58,569 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 628 00:28:58,654 --> 00:29:02,532 Craig has friends that are willing to do a lot more for cash. I will say that. 629 00:29:08,872 --> 00:29:09,914 Eh? 630 00:29:09,998 --> 00:29:10,957 What the fuck was that all about? 631 00:29:11,041 --> 00:29:12,583 You did all the jokes you wrote for me. 632 00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:15,002 Oh, man, I know. I'm sorry. I panicked. It's all they wanted. 633 00:29:15,087 --> 00:29:16,504 They just wanted MySpace jokes. They didn't want... 634 00:29:16,588 --> 00:29:17,838 That's why I hired you to write me MySpace jokes. 635 00:29:17,923 --> 00:29:19,215 I know, I'm sorry. That one, I didn't tell that one. 636 00:29:19,299 --> 00:29:20,299 That one will work. 637 00:29:20,384 --> 00:29:21,384 I guarantee you. 638 00:29:21,468 --> 00:29:23,427 It better work. They're paying me 300 grand. 639 00:29:23,512 --> 00:29:25,346 TOM: Mr. George Simmons! Really? 640 00:29:29,601 --> 00:29:33,688 Thank you. Thank you. All right, Tom, thank you. 641 00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:37,400 Good evening, nerds! Yes! 642 00:29:37,484 --> 00:29:40,861 What about Ira, everybody? How'd you feel about Ira Wright? Yeah. 643 00:29:40,946 --> 00:29:42,655 That guy, man. 644 00:29:42,739 --> 00:29:46,367 He is such a fucking nerd, I can't believe he doesn't work with you people. 645 00:29:47,828 --> 00:29:51,080 Tom started MySpace just to get friends, I know it. 646 00:29:51,832 --> 00:29:53,833 So, they say the more friends you have on MySpace, 647 00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:57,837 the less friends you have in real life. You know? 648 00:29:57,921 --> 00:30:00,631 (IN HUSKY VOICE) "I have 100,000 friends on MySpace! 649 00:30:01,174 --> 00:30:02,675 "Yes! 650 00:30:03,844 --> 00:30:07,722 "Isn't that great? I have so many friends on the computer." 651 00:30:08,515 --> 00:30:09,473 "What are you doing tonight?" 652 00:30:09,558 --> 00:30:11,392 "I'll be on the computer. 653 00:30:12,227 --> 00:30:13,894 "That's what I do." 654 00:30:17,608 --> 00:30:20,568 I hate the new generation of coolness out there. 655 00:30:20,652 --> 00:30:24,947 You just never get any information out of people you talk to, the youngsters. 656 00:30:25,032 --> 00:30:27,199 "Hey, what are you doing?" "Just chilling." 657 00:30:27,659 --> 00:30:30,328 All right. I know, you're chilling. 658 00:30:31,371 --> 00:30:35,833 "What're you doing tonight?" "Things." "Okay." 659 00:30:35,917 --> 00:30:38,169 I like dumb people, you know. They like to talk to you. 660 00:30:38,253 --> 00:30:40,755 "Hey, what's going on?" "I like lollypops." 661 00:30:40,839 --> 00:30:42,173 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 662 00:30:42,257 --> 00:30:43,257 "Good." 663 00:30:46,762 --> 00:30:49,430 "My favorite color is butterscotch." 664 00:30:50,390 --> 00:30:55,519 Do you ever get tired of singing the same songs, you know, over and over? 665 00:30:56,355 --> 00:30:59,106 Do you ever get tired of talking about your dick? 666 00:31:00,150 --> 00:31:02,610 Yeah, I don't like... I don't like blowjobs very much. 667 00:31:02,694 --> 00:31:04,487 I don't like... A lot of guys like the blowjobs, 668 00:31:04,571 --> 00:31:08,115 I don't love them. I never know what to do with my hands. You know? 669 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,034 I'm always like... 670 00:31:10,619 --> 00:31:12,370 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 671 00:31:12,454 --> 00:31:16,957 You can either go hands on the hips or the salute is fun. 672 00:31:20,921 --> 00:31:22,380 Yeah, it's always shocking when a girl blows you. 673 00:31:22,464 --> 00:31:24,632 You're like, "Really? You want to do it? All right." 674 00:31:25,175 --> 00:31:26,884 I got some advice for the ladies out there. 675 00:31:26,968 --> 00:31:31,389 When you are performing that act on a fellow don't ever say, 676 00:31:31,473 --> 00:31:34,558 "You know, you're the first guy I ever got the whole thing in my mouth. 677 00:31:34,643 --> 00:31:36,352 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 678 00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:41,691 "Normally, normally, I get, like, halfway down and I just start fucking choking, 679 00:31:42,150 --> 00:31:47,071 "but with you, I got a ball in my mouth! 680 00:31:47,239 --> 00:31:49,156 "That's never happened! 681 00:31:50,367 --> 00:31:56,080 "Look, I have him in my mouth right now, and I'm speaking perfectly clear. 682 00:31:57,666 --> 00:31:59,792 "Normally I have a stutter." 683 00:32:01,628 --> 00:32:04,630 That wasn't a pee, that was a shit. That took too long. 684 00:32:04,715 --> 00:32:06,757 Here's 1,000 bucks. Good job. 685 00:32:06,842 --> 00:32:08,592 Thank you so much, man. 686 00:32:08,677 --> 00:32:10,928 I've never made this much money doing anything, man. Thank you. 687 00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:14,348 Good. I'm thinking about doing a lot more stand-up. 688 00:32:14,433 --> 00:32:15,433 Okay. 689 00:32:15,517 --> 00:32:17,768 And my assistant got pregnant. 690 00:32:17,853 --> 00:32:20,229 I didn't even know she... I thought she was a fucking lesbian 691 00:32:20,313 --> 00:32:21,272 the whole time, but... 692 00:32:21,356 --> 00:32:22,648 They can get pregnant, too. 693 00:32:23,734 --> 00:32:25,109 That's nice. That's very nice. Yeah. 694 00:32:25,193 --> 00:32:28,738 So, you want to kind of assist me, you know? 695 00:32:28,822 --> 00:32:29,947 Yeah! Yeah. I mean, not, not... 696 00:32:30,031 --> 00:32:31,282 I mean, you can write jokes for me, too, 697 00:32:31,366 --> 00:32:32,366 but get me sodas... 698 00:32:32,451 --> 00:32:33,409 Whatever you need, man! 699 00:32:33,535 --> 00:32:35,202 ...and, like, clean my shit up and... Yeah. 700 00:32:35,287 --> 00:32:36,787 How much money you make now? 701 00:32:36,872 --> 00:32:38,330 It depends on how many hours. 702 00:32:38,415 --> 00:32:39,707 Usually, I can get about... 703 00:32:39,791 --> 00:32:41,542 I'll give you 1,500 bucks a week. 704 00:32:41,626 --> 00:32:43,294 That's amazing, man. Thank you so much. 705 00:32:43,378 --> 00:32:44,795 You want to fuck these two girls? 706 00:32:46,256 --> 00:32:48,758 Hey, the JT. 707 00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:51,010 George. That was the best. You killed them. 708 00:32:51,094 --> 00:32:52,094 Ira. 709 00:32:52,179 --> 00:32:54,388 Hello. Yes, Mr. Taylor. Yes, hello. 710 00:32:54,723 --> 00:32:55,806 You wanna fuck these girls? 711 00:32:55,891 --> 00:32:59,977 I filled my quota in 1982, I believe. 712 00:33:00,061 --> 00:33:01,228 All right, I'll have to figure this shit out. 713 00:33:01,313 --> 00:33:02,354 I know those girls. 714 00:33:02,397 --> 00:33:04,148 You do? Do you want to meet those girls? 715 00:33:04,232 --> 00:33:06,776 Will you fucking settle down? Yeah, talk to them. Be gentle. 716 00:33:06,943 --> 00:33:10,112 You're twitching like a fucking madman. That guy in porno? 717 00:33:10,572 --> 00:33:11,947 No. No? 718 00:33:12,032 --> 00:33:13,032 I would know. 719 00:33:16,077 --> 00:33:18,037 Mandy. Well, hi there. 720 00:33:18,121 --> 00:33:20,164 You're still swimming? Get the fuck out of there. 721 00:33:20,248 --> 00:33:21,999 I'm ready for you. 722 00:33:22,083 --> 00:33:23,417 Yeah. Oh, my God. 723 00:33:25,796 --> 00:33:27,630 Oh, God. Feel that stomach. Oh. Yeah. 724 00:33:27,714 --> 00:33:29,256 I like that thing. Good. Well, go for it. 725 00:33:29,341 --> 00:33:30,549 It's hard. Bam! 726 00:33:30,634 --> 00:33:31,634 (EXCLAIMING) 727 00:33:33,553 --> 00:33:34,887 MANDY: This house is crazy. 728 00:33:34,971 --> 00:33:36,263 GEORGE: Oh, yeah, you got to see the whole thing. 729 00:33:36,348 --> 00:33:38,098 Come here. It came furnished. 730 00:33:38,183 --> 00:33:39,183 Really? 731 00:33:39,267 --> 00:33:40,267 (GEORGE MOANING) 732 00:33:40,352 --> 00:33:43,604 GEORGE: That's my man, Ira. He wrote a lot of good jokes for me there, honey. 733 00:33:43,688 --> 00:33:46,482 Make sure he shows you his cock. It's very, very thick. 734 00:33:46,566 --> 00:33:47,608 (BOTH LAUGHING) 735 00:33:47,692 --> 00:33:49,193 See you, George. 736 00:33:54,866 --> 00:33:57,368 Hey, wanna have a contest to see who can hold their breath the longest? 737 00:33:57,452 --> 00:33:58,702 (GASPS) 738 00:34:07,212 --> 00:34:08,462 (SPITS) 739 00:34:10,382 --> 00:34:12,049 You didn't go under. 740 00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:16,136 Nothing's gonna happen between us. 741 00:34:18,306 --> 00:34:21,100 I can't believe I'm having sex with George Simmons. 742 00:34:21,351 --> 00:34:23,644 Yeah, he can't believe it, either. 743 00:34:23,937 --> 00:34:26,355 My dad loves your movies. 744 00:34:26,439 --> 00:34:30,109 Yeah, that's the best when you talk about your dad. 745 00:34:30,193 --> 00:34:31,277 (MOANING) 746 00:34:33,071 --> 00:34:34,905 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 747 00:34:38,827 --> 00:34:41,412 Dad, this won't bring Mom back! 748 00:34:41,496 --> 00:34:44,498 I have nothing else! 749 00:34:44,583 --> 00:34:47,418 BOY: You're a champion, Dad! You're a champion! 750 00:34:53,341 --> 00:34:55,134 Oh! You're still here. 751 00:34:56,344 --> 00:34:57,928 I know that asshole. 752 00:34:59,055 --> 00:35:00,931 You two were just fucking, huh? How'd that go? 753 00:35:01,016 --> 00:35:04,310 No, I have a boyfriend. We already talked about it. 754 00:35:04,603 --> 00:35:06,186 Yeah. John. Yeah. 755 00:35:06,688 --> 00:35:09,273 Your friend took off. She thought you left, so... 756 00:35:09,357 --> 00:35:10,357 Really? 757 00:35:10,442 --> 00:35:11,692 That's what happens in a big house. 758 00:35:11,776 --> 00:35:13,068 It's called "the big house problem." 759 00:35:13,153 --> 00:35:15,779 Your friend actually left her purse down the hall. 760 00:35:15,864 --> 00:35:17,323 You want to go get it with me? 761 00:35:17,407 --> 00:35:18,407 Oh. Okay. 762 00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:21,744 (MUMBLING) 763 00:35:23,663 --> 00:35:25,372 Don't you leave on me, Ira. 764 00:35:25,874 --> 00:35:27,041 Fuck me like MerMan! 765 00:35:27,125 --> 00:35:30,461 Come on! Do MerMan! Do the MerMan call! 766 00:35:30,795 --> 00:35:31,754 Come on! 767 00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:34,798 (WHOOPING) Oh, yeah! Yeah! Oh, God! 768 00:35:39,846 --> 00:35:41,263 Hey. Oh. Hey. 769 00:35:41,806 --> 00:35:43,933 Sorry about the chick, man. I... 770 00:35:44,017 --> 00:35:46,435 You weren't getting it done, so something had to happen. 771 00:35:46,519 --> 00:35:48,604 Oh, that's... No, she... I wasn't even trying. 772 00:35:48,688 --> 00:35:50,481 She told me she had a boyfriend. 773 00:35:50,815 --> 00:35:53,442 Oh, yeah. She told me she had a boyfriend, too. 774 00:35:53,526 --> 00:35:56,320 (SINGING) When she was sucking my cock! 775 00:35:56,404 --> 00:35:57,655 (GAGGING) 776 00:35:58,031 --> 00:35:59,406 (RETCHING) 777 00:36:00,867 --> 00:36:02,910 What the fuck are you doing with that big dick of yours? 778 00:36:02,994 --> 00:36:06,163 You gotta use it! You gotta share Thickie with the world. 779 00:36:06,247 --> 00:36:07,915 I don't... It's normal. 780 00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:11,377 You want to go upstairs, man? Talk to me while I try to fall asleep? 781 00:36:12,295 --> 00:36:14,797 Okay, if... Yeah, if that's what you want me to do. 782 00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:20,177 Yeah, yeah. Sit down, man. That was a fun night. 783 00:36:20,679 --> 00:36:21,720 That was a good night. 784 00:36:21,805 --> 00:36:22,763 Yeah, that was crazy. 785 00:36:22,847 --> 00:36:23,847 Yeah. 786 00:36:23,932 --> 00:36:26,725 So, you slept with both those girls, man. 787 00:36:27,644 --> 00:36:28,852 How did you do that? 788 00:36:29,312 --> 00:36:31,021 How did I do that? There's this... 789 00:36:31,106 --> 00:36:35,109 Girls like famous guys. It's a story for them, I guess. I don't know. 790 00:36:35,193 --> 00:36:36,902 I take advantage of it, though. 791 00:36:36,987 --> 00:36:39,113 Believe me, they always leave disappointed. 792 00:36:39,698 --> 00:36:41,657 (YAWNING) That's amazing. 793 00:36:43,910 --> 00:36:46,620 Yeah, yeah, so let me hear about this name, Ira Wright. 794 00:36:46,705 --> 00:36:48,580 That's not your real name, right? 795 00:36:49,207 --> 00:36:50,374 How could you tell? 796 00:36:50,458 --> 00:36:51,500 (CHUCKLES) 797 00:36:51,584 --> 00:36:53,627 You're hiding some Judaism. 798 00:36:53,712 --> 00:36:55,629 No, my real last name is Wiener. 799 00:36:55,714 --> 00:36:57,464 It's Ira Wiener and everyone... 800 00:36:57,549 --> 00:37:01,468 It's spelled the same as "wiener" and I just got tired of correcting people. 801 00:37:01,553 --> 00:37:03,887 So, that's what led you to the path of comedy. 802 00:37:03,972 --> 00:37:07,057 Being humiliated every day. First day of school, 803 00:37:07,142 --> 00:37:09,143 (IN FEMALE VOICE) "Is Ira Wiener here?" 804 00:37:09,227 --> 00:37:10,227 And you were in the back. 805 00:37:10,311 --> 00:37:13,897 (IN KID'S VOICE) "Wiener. My name's Wiener." 806 00:37:13,982 --> 00:37:16,400 You little fruit. What were your parents like? 807 00:37:16,484 --> 00:37:19,486 What are the older "Wieners" or Wieners like? 808 00:37:20,447 --> 00:37:21,488 My parents are divorced. 809 00:37:21,573 --> 00:37:26,452 They hate each other. My mother thinks my father's the devil. 810 00:37:27,746 --> 00:37:29,955 I don't know what that makes me, technically, but... 811 00:37:30,373 --> 00:37:32,499 So, you'll never be as funny as me. 812 00:37:32,584 --> 00:37:33,584 Why not? 813 00:37:33,668 --> 00:37:36,670 Your generation has the divorces, which is cute-funny, 814 00:37:36,755 --> 00:37:42,384 but my generation has the, "Oh, my God, my father's about to hit me with a bat!" 815 00:37:43,511 --> 00:37:48,974 I just... You gotta break out the funny a lot quicker than your little faggy childhood. 816 00:37:49,059 --> 00:37:50,309 (YAWNING) 817 00:37:50,977 --> 00:37:52,519 Are you serious? 818 00:37:52,604 --> 00:37:56,065 I spent my whole childhood trying to make my father laugh. 819 00:37:56,691 --> 00:37:59,568 I still haven't succeeded, but we'll get there. 820 00:38:05,116 --> 00:38:08,911 Don't bail on me yet. Keep it coming. 821 00:38:09,621 --> 00:38:11,663 When's the first time you fingered a girl? 822 00:38:11,748 --> 00:38:15,042 I was at summer camp, Jewish summer camp, on the sports field. 823 00:38:17,796 --> 00:38:22,549 And her name was Sharon Mizrahi. 824 00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:26,553 I didn't know what to do. I got really scared. 825 00:38:26,638 --> 00:38:30,390 She reached down and grabbed my penis really hard, 826 00:38:30,475 --> 00:38:32,309 like she was just trying to murder it. 827 00:38:42,612 --> 00:38:43,946 Morning. Yeah, baby. 828 00:38:44,030 --> 00:38:46,949 It took me three hours, but I think I found your kitchen. 829 00:38:47,408 --> 00:38:49,243 Am I in the bathroom still? Is that it? 830 00:38:49,327 --> 00:38:51,703 No, no. You're good. You're safe. 831 00:38:51,830 --> 00:38:52,788 What do you got there? 832 00:38:52,872 --> 00:38:55,082 This is medicine, Ira. I'm sick. 833 00:38:55,166 --> 00:38:57,835 One of those girls have chlamydia? I thought she smelled funny. 834 00:38:57,919 --> 00:38:59,586 Is that what it is? Yeah. 835 00:39:00,088 --> 00:39:05,175 I have a weird blood disease. AML. It's a form of leukemia. 836 00:39:05,844 --> 00:39:08,595 This is experimental medicine from Canada. 837 00:39:09,305 --> 00:39:14,309 There's an 8% chance of it working. So, fuck me. 838 00:39:14,686 --> 00:39:17,104 Well, that's not true 'cause if it was, 839 00:39:17,188 --> 00:39:18,814 I would've read about it or heard about that. 840 00:39:18,898 --> 00:39:20,023 You didn't hear about it because 841 00:39:20,108 --> 00:39:23,110 I didn't fucking run out and tell Entertainment Tonight. 842 00:39:23,194 --> 00:39:25,070 Well, why would you tell me? 843 00:39:25,155 --> 00:39:26,947 'Cause I don't really know you, Ira. 844 00:39:27,031 --> 00:39:30,200 I think you're not gonna get too weird about this. 845 00:39:30,285 --> 00:39:33,662 I don't want to start getting treated like the guy who's gonna die. 846 00:39:33,913 --> 00:39:38,041 So, anyways, this shit's got a lot of caffeine in it. 847 00:39:38,126 --> 00:39:41,086 They say that's good for you. Let me take the medicine. 848 00:39:41,171 --> 00:39:42,713 Why are you telling me this, George? 849 00:39:42,797 --> 00:39:45,632 'Cause I want you to possibly do me a favor. 850 00:39:45,717 --> 00:39:46,967 Okay. Yeah. What? 851 00:39:47,719 --> 00:39:48,886 Kill me. 852 00:39:49,596 --> 00:39:50,596 What? 853 00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:51,805 Nobody knows we know each other. 854 00:39:51,890 --> 00:39:54,474 You're a stranger. You can get away with this. 855 00:39:54,559 --> 00:39:57,728 I got a gun in the other room. It's untraceable. 856 00:39:57,812 --> 00:40:00,814 I'll give you $50,000. 857 00:40:00,899 --> 00:40:06,987 Don't make me suffer. Please, kill me, Ira. I'm begging you. 858 00:40:07,238 --> 00:40:09,281 Can you at least give me, like, a night to think about it? 859 00:40:09,365 --> 00:40:10,490 Ha! 860 00:40:10,575 --> 00:40:12,618 Think about it? You would do it! 861 00:40:12,702 --> 00:40:15,370 Oh, I hate you, man. Oh, no! 862 00:40:15,455 --> 00:40:21,168 Ira, I misread you. You're sick! You're a murderer! 863 00:40:21,252 --> 00:40:22,252 Screw you, man. 864 00:40:22,337 --> 00:40:23,337 You wanted to do it! 865 00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:25,964 What would you have done for $100,000? Chop my head off? 866 00:40:26,049 --> 00:40:27,507 You would still want to do it! 867 00:40:27,592 --> 00:40:29,343 That wasn't even good acting over there! 868 00:40:29,427 --> 00:40:30,761 What the fuck? That was good acting. 869 00:40:30,845 --> 00:40:32,846 Daniel Day-Lewis would've crushed that speech. 870 00:40:32,931 --> 00:40:35,557 I bought that, man. Wow! 871 00:40:35,642 --> 00:40:38,936 Ira, you don't have to kill me, but I am gonna die. 872 00:40:39,270 --> 00:40:41,146 George, look. Honestly, I'm like... Don't get close, Ira. 873 00:40:41,231 --> 00:40:42,731 ...a really gullible guy. Don't do this. 874 00:40:42,815 --> 00:40:44,191 Look, my friends, they trick me all the time. 875 00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:45,943 One of my roommates told me he was Joe Pesci's son. 876 00:40:46,027 --> 00:40:48,528 I believed him for three years. I still get shit for it, 877 00:40:48,613 --> 00:40:50,572 so just, please, level with me, man. 878 00:40:50,657 --> 00:40:52,991 Are you serious? I am serious, Ira. 879 00:40:53,493 --> 00:40:55,494 Don't tell anybody about this though, all right? 880 00:40:55,578 --> 00:40:57,162 I want it to be our secret. 881 00:40:57,247 --> 00:40:59,831 Now, you're gonna make me some eggs. Okay, murderer? 882 00:41:00,333 --> 00:41:01,333 (SOFTLY) Don't say that. 883 00:41:01,417 --> 00:41:03,335 Just try not to kill any of the staff 884 00:41:03,419 --> 00:41:06,129 while I'm gone, okay? They have families. 885 00:41:06,881 --> 00:41:08,465 IRA: Well, he actually tricked me first, but then he showed... 886 00:41:08,549 --> 00:41:09,758 I mean, he's taking medicine. 887 00:41:09,842 --> 00:41:12,386 He's getting this special medicine from Canada. 888 00:41:12,637 --> 00:41:14,554 MARK: Oh, my God, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. 889 00:41:14,639 --> 00:41:18,183 Yeah. I think I'm the only person he's told. 890 00:41:18,268 --> 00:41:21,270 That's what he said. I mean, he's really... He likes me, in a weird... 891 00:41:21,354 --> 00:41:24,022 I think he's, like, taken a shine to me, you know. 892 00:41:24,107 --> 00:41:26,108 Not enough to let you in on that two-on-one. 893 00:41:26,192 --> 00:41:27,526 Come on, that's not appropriate. 894 00:41:27,610 --> 00:41:29,069 I don't want that anyway. 895 00:41:30,863 --> 00:41:32,906 IRA: I just don't know. I mean, it's... 896 00:41:32,991 --> 00:41:34,908 It's really scary. I've never even... 897 00:41:34,993 --> 00:41:37,286 I don't think I've known anyone who's, like, sick, 898 00:41:37,370 --> 00:41:39,871 you know, in like a major way before. I don't... I just... 899 00:41:39,956 --> 00:41:42,791 LEO: George Simmons. He's been around my whole life. 900 00:41:42,875 --> 00:41:44,876 It's like Snap, Crackle and Pop dying, you know? 901 00:41:44,961 --> 00:41:45,919 IRA: I know. 902 00:41:46,004 --> 00:41:47,671 Can we not talk about this right now? 903 00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:50,048 I'm not really good with the whole death thing. 904 00:41:50,133 --> 00:41:51,466 Is that all right? 905 00:41:51,551 --> 00:41:53,927 I need to talk about it, man. I work for this guy now. 906 00:41:54,012 --> 00:41:56,138 I can't... I mean, that's all I'm... It's all I'm thinking about. 907 00:41:56,222 --> 00:42:00,183 I'm gonna tell you this story that makes me feel all right with death. 908 00:42:01,060 --> 00:42:03,812 When I was younger, my grandfather died 909 00:42:03,896 --> 00:42:05,480 and we were all gathered around him 910 00:42:05,565 --> 00:42:08,775 and there was this one candle next to his bed. 911 00:42:08,860 --> 00:42:14,114 And right after he died, the candle started flickering and then it just went out. 912 00:42:14,532 --> 00:42:15,615 Wow. Yeah. 913 00:42:15,700 --> 00:42:18,493 And we looked around, and there were no windows. 914 00:42:19,037 --> 00:42:21,580 Like, nothing in that room. 915 00:42:22,290 --> 00:42:24,833 And it sounds crazy, but we all thought 916 00:42:24,917 --> 00:42:27,294 it was him going to heaven, you know? 917 00:42:27,378 --> 00:42:29,629 You don't pass through fire to get to heaven. 918 00:42:29,714 --> 00:42:30,672 I think he went to hell. 919 00:42:30,757 --> 00:42:31,798 (SCOFFS) 920 00:42:31,883 --> 00:42:33,467 What'd you just say? LEO: I just... 921 00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:35,260 I think your grandfather probably went to hell. 922 00:42:35,345 --> 00:42:37,304 Don't do it. Are you kidding me right now? 923 00:42:37,388 --> 00:42:38,972 I'm... I'm sorry to break it to you. 924 00:42:39,057 --> 00:42:40,223 You're gonna make fun of me right now, 925 00:42:40,308 --> 00:42:42,351 just after I opened up to you guys like that? 926 00:42:42,435 --> 00:42:44,144 It's not my fault your grandfather's in hell. 927 00:42:44,228 --> 00:42:46,438 It's not a big deal. Some grandpas go to hell. 928 00:42:46,522 --> 00:42:47,773 Come on. Don't be a jerk to me 929 00:42:47,857 --> 00:42:49,483 just because I make more money than you guys. 930 00:42:49,567 --> 00:42:50,567 How much do you make again? 931 00:42:50,651 --> 00:42:51,902 (LEO LAUGHING) 932 00:42:51,986 --> 00:42:54,738 You guys are just projecting all your hatred onto me. 933 00:42:54,989 --> 00:42:56,406 Okay, and don't be super bummed out 934 00:42:56,491 --> 00:42:59,409 'cause your grandfather's playing backgammon with Hitler right now. 935 00:42:59,494 --> 00:43:00,994 Shit, dude, don't. 936 00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:02,996 (GRUNGE MUSIC PLAYLNG) 937 00:43:04,665 --> 00:43:06,333 GEORGE: I gotta get rid of this stuff. 938 00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,170 Man, I don't know what I'm gonna do with it. 939 00:43:11,172 --> 00:43:13,715 The more money you make, the more free shit they give you. 940 00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:18,261 It makes no sense. I don't see any jet skiing in my near future. 941 00:43:18,346 --> 00:43:20,055 All this shit was free? 942 00:43:20,139 --> 00:43:21,098 You want a TV, Ira? 943 00:43:21,182 --> 00:43:24,476 I got, like, three flat screens laying around in there somewhere. 944 00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:27,771 Sure, I can... Yeah, I can just take this stuff to Goodwill if you want or... 945 00:43:27,855 --> 00:43:30,607 You know what? Don't even worry about this stuff. Let's... 946 00:43:30,691 --> 00:43:33,110 I got some cars in storage you could sell for me 947 00:43:33,194 --> 00:43:35,237 and just give that money to charity. 948 00:43:35,321 --> 00:43:36,279 I can do that, yeah. 949 00:43:36,364 --> 00:43:37,447 I'm gonna write a list out for you, 950 00:43:37,532 --> 00:43:39,449 give you a bunch of things I want you to do. 951 00:43:39,534 --> 00:43:40,700 What size sneaker are you? 952 00:43:40,785 --> 00:43:41,785 Eleven and a half. 953 00:43:41,869 --> 00:43:44,955 (EXCLAIMS) You got that thick cock, don't you? I want to see that thing. 954 00:43:45,039 --> 00:43:46,790 Come on, pull the cock out. 955 00:43:46,874 --> 00:43:47,874 I'm not gonna show it to you. 956 00:43:47,959 --> 00:43:48,959 What the fuck's the matter with you? 957 00:43:49,043 --> 00:43:50,293 I'm not gonna do anything with it. 958 00:43:50,378 --> 00:43:52,254 I just want to know what I'm dealing with. 959 00:43:52,338 --> 00:43:53,422 If you give me an iPod. 960 00:43:53,506 --> 00:43:54,798 You asshole. 961 00:43:54,882 --> 00:43:56,341 All right, you can have anything in here, 962 00:43:56,426 --> 00:43:58,343 but you gotta take the MerMan poster. 963 00:43:58,428 --> 00:44:00,387 No, I want... I love MerMan! 964 00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:01,805 I knew you loved MerMan. 965 00:44:01,889 --> 00:44:03,849 You and five-year-olds love MerMan. 966 00:44:04,475 --> 00:44:05,725 It's a smart movie. 967 00:44:07,645 --> 00:44:12,149 So, which, specifically, of the cars belong to George Simmons? 968 00:44:12,733 --> 00:44:14,317 Which one? Yeah. 969 00:44:14,402 --> 00:44:15,610 All of them. 970 00:44:16,070 --> 00:44:17,404 All of them? Yeah. 971 00:44:17,488 --> 00:44:18,905 Well... 972 00:44:19,407 --> 00:44:21,408 How would I go about selling? 973 00:44:22,285 --> 00:44:23,910 Selling them? Yeah. 974 00:44:24,287 --> 00:44:27,038 Well, I don't know about selling them but I can make a few disappear. 975 00:44:27,123 --> 00:44:28,498 You know what I'm saying? 976 00:44:29,417 --> 00:44:30,792 I don't want to do that. 977 00:44:30,877 --> 00:44:32,878 I don't want to do that, either. 978 00:44:33,087 --> 00:44:34,546 Just kidding. 979 00:44:40,803 --> 00:44:43,597 DIRECTOR: Scene D is up! Let's go on a bell. Yo Teach! 980 00:44:43,681 --> 00:44:44,681 (BUZZING) 981 00:44:44,765 --> 00:44:46,016 And action! 982 00:44:46,100 --> 00:44:48,018 All right now... Bradford! 983 00:44:48,102 --> 00:44:49,769 Yeah? What is this? 984 00:44:51,731 --> 00:44:53,106 Bo's English test. 985 00:44:53,191 --> 00:44:54,566 Well, there's a mistake. 986 00:44:55,443 --> 00:44:57,152 Well, yeah, there are lots of mistakes. 987 00:44:57,236 --> 00:44:58,862 That's why there's an F on it. 988 00:44:58,946 --> 00:45:02,491 PRINCIPAL: You know, if Bo doesn't pass, he can't play in the big game Friday. 989 00:45:02,575 --> 00:45:04,201 Either you make this right, 990 00:45:04,285 --> 00:45:09,164 or you'll be spending the summer teaching driver's ed. Honk, honk! 991 00:45:10,458 --> 00:45:11,708 Shit. 992 00:45:11,792 --> 00:45:13,084 I can't be a part of this. I'm not... 993 00:45:13,169 --> 00:45:14,461 Yeah. I'm gonna go. 994 00:45:15,796 --> 00:45:17,380 This is just so painful, though, isn't it? 995 00:45:17,465 --> 00:45:19,799 Yes, I want to kill myself. 996 00:45:20,635 --> 00:45:23,178 So, where are you from, originally? You just moved here, right? 997 00:45:23,262 --> 00:45:24,930 Yep. Delaware. 998 00:45:25,014 --> 00:45:27,933 Delaware! Our first state in the Union. 999 00:45:28,017 --> 00:45:29,518 Yes, it is. 1000 00:45:29,810 --> 00:45:31,937 That's great. No sales tax in Delaware, right? 1001 00:45:32,021 --> 00:45:33,730 Yeah, there's not. That's weird. 1002 00:45:33,814 --> 00:45:35,732 You know so much about Delaware. 1003 00:45:35,816 --> 00:45:37,400 You fucking Joe Biden? 1004 00:45:37,485 --> 00:45:39,486 He's from Delaware. See? I knew that. 1005 00:45:40,571 --> 00:45:42,906 Bo, you're a smart kid. I've seen you rap. 1006 00:45:42,990 --> 00:45:44,157 Yeah! MARK: All right? 1007 00:45:44,242 --> 00:45:46,743 Now, I am willing to give you a makeup exam on this, all right? 1008 00:45:46,827 --> 00:45:48,119 Do you like music? 1009 00:45:48,204 --> 00:45:49,496 Did you just ask me if I liked music? 1010 00:45:49,580 --> 00:45:52,374 Yeah. That... I'm... I'm aware that that's a weird question. 1011 00:45:52,458 --> 00:45:54,251 It's like asking me if I like food. 1012 00:45:54,335 --> 00:45:56,336 That was my next question. 1013 00:45:56,546 --> 00:45:57,921 Yes. Good. 1014 00:45:58,005 --> 00:46:01,424 Wilco. Do you like Wilco? Wilco's playing at the Greek Theatre. 1015 00:46:01,801 --> 00:46:04,302 And I was just wondering if you maybe wanted to go with me. 1016 00:46:04,387 --> 00:46:06,680 Yeah. I'll go. I'd be into that. I like Wilco. 1017 00:46:06,764 --> 00:46:07,764 Great. 1018 00:46:07,848 --> 00:46:12,310 Okay, great, great. So, I guess we will go to the show together. 1019 00:46:12,395 --> 00:46:13,812 Not anymore. 1020 00:46:14,855 --> 00:46:16,147 You serious? 1021 00:46:16,983 --> 00:46:18,692 No, I'll go. Oh, okay. Thank you. 1022 00:46:18,776 --> 00:46:19,776 Just don't say that ever again. 1023 00:46:19,860 --> 00:46:20,860 Okay. I won't. 1024 00:46:20,945 --> 00:46:22,487 Yo, Teach! Yeah? 1025 00:46:23,489 --> 00:46:24,572 Thanks. 1026 00:46:25,157 --> 00:46:26,157 Word. 1027 00:46:26,701 --> 00:46:32,789 (SINGING) Do-ra-mi, wiener 1028 00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:36,501 My name is Wiener 1029 00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:40,171 My name is Wiener My name is Wiener 1030 00:46:40,256 --> 00:46:42,007 Don't call me wiener 1031 00:46:42,341 --> 00:46:45,635 Whatever. You got any jokes for me, dum-dum? 1032 00:46:45,720 --> 00:46:47,846 Got some good ones, I think, actually. 1033 00:46:48,180 --> 00:46:51,683 I have a thing about how, like, you're rich, you know, 1034 00:46:51,767 --> 00:46:52,934 and so you bought a private jet, 1035 00:46:53,019 --> 00:46:54,185 but you're afraid of flying, 1036 00:46:54,270 --> 00:46:55,270 so you just drive in it. 1037 00:46:55,354 --> 00:46:56,563 Oh, that's funny. 1038 00:46:56,647 --> 00:46:58,982 You just go to drive-throughs and car washes. 1039 00:46:59,066 --> 00:47:01,776 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll come up with the ending, but that was good. 1040 00:47:02,361 --> 00:47:05,947 I thought it could be funny about your balls, you know, about how, like, 1041 00:47:06,032 --> 00:47:09,451 you're getting older and you found the first gray hair on your balls. 1042 00:47:09,535 --> 00:47:11,786 And it really worried you, but then you realized it was good 1043 00:47:11,871 --> 00:47:14,289 'cause it made your balls look distinguished and smart. 1044 00:47:14,373 --> 00:47:17,834 Like, if you gave your balls a little tweed jacket with elbow pads and a little pipe, 1045 00:47:17,918 --> 00:47:22,088 your balls could be like a character Kevin Kline would play in a movie. 1046 00:47:22,173 --> 00:47:25,175 Yeah, that's funny, that's funny. I could do that. 1047 00:47:25,259 --> 00:47:26,301 What else you got? 1048 00:47:26,385 --> 00:47:30,055 Actually, this just kind of happened. 1049 00:47:31,098 --> 00:47:33,558 I'm making you an iTunes playlist. 1050 00:47:33,642 --> 00:47:35,602 For what? Sometimes, when I'm upset, 1051 00:47:35,686 --> 00:47:39,147 music makes me feel a little better, so I thought maybe... 1052 00:47:39,231 --> 00:47:40,774 Oh, it's a cheer-me-up thing? 1053 00:47:40,858 --> 00:47:42,025 I was gonna just put it on your iPod. 1054 00:47:42,109 --> 00:47:43,360 I don't have to play it right now. 1055 00:47:43,486 --> 00:47:45,320 For what? For when I go out jogging? I don't need to... 1056 00:47:45,404 --> 00:47:49,074 Let me hear it. I don’t jog anymore. Let me hear my playlist. 1057 00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:52,744 (REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING) 1058 00:47:57,375 --> 00:48:00,460 (WHISPERING) Ira! Ira! 1059 00:48:01,420 --> 00:48:03,296 Okay, you don't have to make fun of it. 1060 00:48:03,381 --> 00:48:05,173 No, Bob Marley! 1061 00:48:05,257 --> 00:48:08,968 Yes. Everything is gonna be all right. You're right, Ira. 1062 00:48:09,053 --> 00:48:12,097 Bob Marley had cancer. Everything wasn't all right for Bob Marley. 1063 00:48:12,181 --> 00:48:13,515 He dead now. 1064 00:48:13,599 --> 00:48:15,058 (LAUGHS) What else you put on there for me? 1065 00:48:15,142 --> 00:48:16,559 I really don't want to do this, George. 1066 00:48:16,644 --> 00:48:18,103 Can we just... I'll... Just forget I did this. 1067 00:48:18,187 --> 00:48:19,604 Ignore it. I'll erase it, okay? 1068 00:48:19,688 --> 00:48:23,691 No, no, no, don't do that. Let's hear what's gonna cheer me up! This is good. 1069 00:48:23,776 --> 00:48:25,276 Come on. What else you got? 1070 00:48:25,361 --> 00:48:26,694 Okay, here's the next one. 1071 00:48:26,779 --> 00:48:27,779 (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 1072 00:48:27,863 --> 00:48:33,368 (MOUTHING) Now I've had the time of my life 1073 00:48:33,452 --> 00:48:36,287 No, I never felt like this before 1074 00:48:36,372 --> 00:48:37,789 I don't know what to say to that one. 1075 00:48:37,873 --> 00:48:41,501 That's... That's just... That's just fifth grade and... 1076 00:48:42,044 --> 00:48:45,046 Showing me your cock was embarrassing, but this is okay? 1077 00:48:45,131 --> 00:48:46,923 Oh, God. That's a good song. 1078 00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:50,218 (LAUGHS) Yeah, what else? Give me more. This is... This is unbelievable. 1079 00:48:50,302 --> 00:48:52,011 (SIGHS) You sure you want to hear another one? 1080 00:48:52,096 --> 00:48:53,096 I don't... Yeah! Yeah, yeah. 1081 00:48:53,180 --> 00:48:55,181 This is fun to be cheered up. 1082 00:48:55,266 --> 00:48:56,266 (SIGHS) I'm sorry... 1083 00:48:56,350 --> 00:48:58,393 (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 1084 00:49:01,439 --> 00:49:05,817 (SINGING) Shadows are falling And I'm running out of breath 1085 00:49:06,944 --> 00:49:09,946 Keep me in your heart for a while 1086 00:49:11,699 --> 00:49:16,494 If I leave you, it doesn't mean I love you any less 1087 00:49:17,746 --> 00:49:20,832 Keep me in your heart for a while 1088 00:49:22,501 --> 00:49:27,547 When you get up in the morning And you see that crazy sun 1089 00:49:28,507 --> 00:49:31,551 Keep me in your heart for a while 1090 00:49:33,512 --> 00:49:36,431 Just write me some jokes, you stupid, fucking idiot. 1091 00:49:36,515 --> 00:49:38,141 Okay, I'm sorry. 1092 00:49:39,310 --> 00:49:42,353 Keep me in your heart for a while 1093 00:49:42,438 --> 00:49:43,438 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1094 00:49:43,522 --> 00:49:45,899 So, I'm not married. I don't think I'm ever gonna get married. 1095 00:49:45,983 --> 00:49:48,067 I just... I can't find a reason to do it, you know? 1096 00:49:48,152 --> 00:49:49,569 Like, I got friends, like, 1097 00:49:49,653 --> 00:49:51,488 "You gotta get married. My wife. 1098 00:49:51,614 --> 00:49:53,448 "My wife is a... She's the best cook. 1099 00:49:53,532 --> 00:49:54,782 "My wife's the... You gotta." 1100 00:49:54,867 --> 00:49:57,285 And I'm like, "My cook's the best cook." 1101 00:49:57,369 --> 00:49:59,496 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1102 00:49:59,580 --> 00:50:01,706 "But my wife, she's my best friend." 1103 00:50:02,541 --> 00:50:04,876 "Yeah, my cook's actually a pretty good guy." You know? 1104 00:50:05,753 --> 00:50:07,629 This could be funny. 1105 00:50:07,713 --> 00:50:11,549 Like, your dad didn't like you, so he named you and your dog George. 1106 00:50:11,634 --> 00:50:13,676 He'd be like, "Hey, George, come in here! 1107 00:50:14,053 --> 00:50:15,762 "Not you, the dog." 1108 00:50:16,263 --> 00:50:18,640 "George, I... Look at this awesome book I just got!" 1109 00:50:18,724 --> 00:50:20,266 And then you come in, it's like, "Not you, the dog." 1110 00:50:20,351 --> 00:50:21,351 That's funny. Yeah. 1111 00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:24,062 "Hey, George, I made a nice steak for you." "Hey, thanks, Dad." 1112 00:50:24,146 --> 00:50:25,939 "Not you, the dog." 1113 00:50:26,106 --> 00:50:30,693 "Hey, George, I just put some peanut butter on my balls. Come lick it up. You." 1114 00:50:32,321 --> 00:50:33,821 Fuck him. 1115 00:50:33,906 --> 00:50:39,244 I miss the dry hump as a concept in my life. It just doesn't... 1116 00:50:39,328 --> 00:50:43,206 I miss the dry hump 'cause you don't need a big dick to be a good dry humper. 1117 00:50:43,290 --> 00:50:46,292 You just need a big thigh, that's all you need. 1118 00:50:46,377 --> 00:50:49,337 Be able to get your thigh in there real good. 1119 00:50:49,421 --> 00:50:52,298 I can thigh the hell out of a girl. 1120 00:50:52,383 --> 00:50:56,511 Sexually, I'm completely terrible, but I could do this all day. 1121 00:50:57,179 --> 00:51:02,141 I'm very rich, by the way. I know that makes you feel good about your life. 1122 00:51:02,226 --> 00:51:03,393 I got so much. 1123 00:51:03,477 --> 00:51:06,145 (IN HUSKY VOICE) "You have so much. Why not me?" 1124 00:51:06,230 --> 00:51:08,982 I have people stop me on the streets sometimes, just go, 1125 00:51:09,066 --> 00:51:13,194 "You have so much!" "Yes, yes." "Why not me?" 1126 00:51:13,279 --> 00:51:14,237 Like, "I don't know." 1127 00:51:14,321 --> 00:51:19,117 (IN HUSKY VOICE) "Why you? I came out here to do what you do." 1128 00:51:19,201 --> 00:51:20,201 "Well, you're not doing it." 1129 00:51:20,286 --> 00:51:22,120 "No, I'm not! 1130 00:51:22,204 --> 00:51:26,082 "Fuck you! I want all your money and all your whores." 1131 00:51:27,167 --> 00:51:29,210 Airplanes are the last public place 1132 00:51:29,295 --> 00:51:31,796 where you can fart as loud as you want and no one cares. 1133 00:51:32,172 --> 00:51:34,132 'Cause they don't... It's loud. There's engine noise. 1134 00:51:34,216 --> 00:51:35,258 They just don't know it's you. 1135 00:51:35,342 --> 00:51:37,969 Like, you could literally be talking to someone you just met 1136 00:51:38,053 --> 00:51:39,929 and be sitting this far away from them 1137 00:51:40,014 --> 00:51:42,599 and look them dead in the eye as they talk about their grandson 1138 00:51:42,683 --> 00:51:45,602 and just fart as loud as you humanly can. Just... 1139 00:51:45,686 --> 00:51:46,769 (IMITATING FART) 1140 00:51:46,854 --> 00:51:49,272 "Yeah? Where's your grandson from?" 1141 00:51:49,356 --> 00:51:52,150 My asshole's been open this whole time. It's just still... 1142 00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:58,114 Hey, can you help me with some of my jokes when I... When I drop you off later? 1143 00:51:58,198 --> 00:51:59,616 Help you with some of your bits? Yeah. 1144 00:51:59,700 --> 00:52:01,618 No. I'm not gonna help you, man. 1145 00:52:01,702 --> 00:52:04,120 No one helped me when I started. 1146 00:52:04,204 --> 00:52:06,539 Fucking, I'm not paying to help you, I'm paying you to help me. 1147 00:52:06,624 --> 00:52:08,499 No, okay. You're right, you're right. 1148 00:52:08,584 --> 00:52:12,211 There is always the one girl out there, though. The one that got away. 1149 00:52:12,296 --> 00:52:17,216 Guys have that and serial killers have that. The one that got away. 1150 00:52:17,301 --> 00:52:22,472 "I had her, the trunk was lined with garbage bags 1151 00:52:22,556 --> 00:52:24,515 "and then she got away." 1152 00:52:26,435 --> 00:52:28,895 I'm sick of rap songs telling me what to do. 1153 00:52:30,230 --> 00:52:34,859 "Bend over. Slap your ass, girl. Drop it like it's hot." 1154 00:52:35,235 --> 00:52:36,486 Yeah, I'm gonna write a song back. 1155 00:52:36,570 --> 00:52:40,323 I'm gonna be, like, "Boy, brush your teeth! 1156 00:52:41,116 --> 00:52:46,537 "Yeah, boy, bump that jacket off your back. I'm fucking cold as shit!" 1157 00:52:47,915 --> 00:52:49,332 I masturbate so much with hand cream, 1158 00:52:49,416 --> 00:52:53,002 I forget people use it for shit other than masturbating. 1159 00:52:53,087 --> 00:52:55,338 Literally, when I'm in public and I see someone pull out hand cream, 1160 00:52:55,422 --> 00:52:58,174 I'm like, "This guy's about to jerk off!" 1161 00:52:58,342 --> 00:52:59,384 Can I ask you something? 1162 00:52:59,468 --> 00:53:03,721 Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? 1163 00:53:03,806 --> 00:53:07,016 All you fucking talk about is jacking off and farting. 1164 00:53:07,101 --> 00:53:08,851 You think a girl's gonna come up to you after the show, 1165 00:53:09,228 --> 00:53:12,105 "Could you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?" 1166 00:53:12,189 --> 00:53:15,108 It's fucking insane! Do you want to get laid, ever? 1167 00:53:24,743 --> 00:53:29,664 (SINGING) How will you people live without me? 1168 00:53:31,208 --> 00:53:35,962 Who will bring you joy when I'm gone? 1169 00:53:37,881 --> 00:53:41,926 'Cause I'm one funny man 1170 00:53:42,177 --> 00:53:45,346 I bring the comedy 1171 00:53:45,431 --> 00:53:50,226 I am the one you go to, to get cheered up 1172 00:53:50,310 --> 00:53:51,936 (AUDIENCE LAUGH) 1173 00:53:52,354 --> 00:53:56,065 Put in my movies 1174 00:53:56,150 --> 00:54:02,321 Escape, if you will To a land of loveliness 1175 00:54:05,325 --> 00:54:08,286 He doesn't have patience 1176 00:54:08,370 --> 00:54:14,834 He hates so many people He's mad when others do well 1177 00:54:15,085 --> 00:54:21,424 He hates himself Fuck George Simmons 1178 00:54:21,842 --> 00:54:25,052 He has a medium-sized penis 1179 00:54:25,137 --> 00:54:30,016 He fucked so many girls And yet no one remembers 1180 00:54:30,476 --> 00:54:33,603 When he's done fucking them 1181 00:54:33,812 --> 00:54:37,231 The girl just lays there and says 1182 00:54:37,316 --> 00:54:42,236 I should have fucked Jean-Claude Van Damme instead of you 1183 00:54:43,155 --> 00:54:48,242 Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah! 1184 00:54:49,870 --> 00:54:54,373 George Simmons soon will be gone 1185 00:54:57,461 --> 00:55:00,755 And he will not miss you people at all. 1186 00:55:02,216 --> 00:55:05,676 Our relationship has always been strained. 1187 00:55:05,761 --> 00:55:10,681 You always wanted too much from me, and I'm very mad at you. 1188 00:55:11,558 --> 00:55:16,062 Leave me alone. Don't visit my grave, cocksuckers. 1189 00:55:17,606 --> 00:55:18,773 Peace! 1190 00:55:19,691 --> 00:55:21,442 (AUDIENCE WHOOPING) 1191 00:55:23,487 --> 00:55:25,404 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 1192 00:55:32,704 --> 00:55:34,205 IRA: Oh, my God, it's George Simmons! 1193 00:55:35,082 --> 00:55:37,625 What are you doing here? What's happening? 1194 00:55:37,709 --> 00:55:41,504 I couldn't sleep. I want to get the Cavaliers game. 1195 00:55:41,588 --> 00:55:43,172 I can't get this thing ever to work. 1196 00:55:43,257 --> 00:55:47,468 I was up all night, man. I had a terrible sleep. I was sweating my ass off. 1197 00:55:47,553 --> 00:55:50,012 I'm fucking hot one second and cold one second 1198 00:55:50,097 --> 00:55:53,015 and the a/c don't work for shit. 1199 00:55:53,100 --> 00:55:56,143 It's always going up to the roof. 1200 00:55:56,228 --> 00:55:57,436 What time is it? 1201 00:55:57,521 --> 00:55:59,063 It says 3:00. 1202 00:55:59,856 --> 00:56:04,485 It's 3:00? God damn it! I can't fucking waste time. I gotta... 1203 00:56:06,780 --> 00:56:09,282 All right, let's start my goddamn day. 1204 00:56:10,242 --> 00:56:11,701 I don't got time for this shit. 1205 00:56:11,785 --> 00:56:14,412 Let me have that stupid clicker. Come on. 1206 00:56:16,915 --> 00:56:19,125 They keep telling me that I gotta dial an extension. 1207 00:56:19,209 --> 00:56:23,087 I don't even have the fucking number to dial for the fucking extension! 1208 00:56:23,171 --> 00:56:24,255 Do you want me to try calling them? 1209 00:56:24,464 --> 00:56:25,923 You should have fucking called them! 1210 00:56:26,008 --> 00:56:28,301 Where the fuck were you last night? 1211 00:56:28,635 --> 00:56:29,677 You'll call them. 1212 00:56:29,761 --> 00:56:31,178 I'm sorry, man. 1213 00:56:31,263 --> 00:56:32,930 Just tell me what you need, I'll get it done, okay? 1214 00:56:33,015 --> 00:56:36,100 You pay for all of this stuff and none of it ever works! 1215 00:56:36,184 --> 00:56:39,061 Nothing! I don't even think I'm sick! 1216 00:56:39,146 --> 00:56:42,023 These guys are trying to fucking kill me! 1217 00:56:42,774 --> 00:56:46,027 I want to go to the doctor. I gotta see this guy. 1218 00:56:46,111 --> 00:56:48,487 What the fuck is happening? 1219 00:56:49,990 --> 00:56:53,326 This medicine does not work. It makes it worse! 1220 00:56:53,410 --> 00:56:55,536 Okay. I'll call them right now. I'll tell them we're coming, okay? 1221 00:56:55,621 --> 00:56:57,246 Now. We gotta go now. 1222 00:56:57,331 --> 00:56:58,414 I'll call them right now, okay? 1223 00:56:58,498 --> 00:57:00,458 Yeah. I'll meet you downstairs. 1224 00:57:04,046 --> 00:57:06,756 (ENGINE REVVING ONSCREEN) 1225 00:57:09,051 --> 00:57:13,638 Please put away the video game. Don't do that. Don't be rude. 1226 00:57:13,722 --> 00:57:14,722 I'm sorry. 1227 00:57:14,806 --> 00:57:15,765 Fucking playing Centipede? 1228 00:57:15,849 --> 00:57:17,224 What the fuck were you playing? 1229 00:57:17,309 --> 00:57:19,101 Just a driving game. 1230 00:57:20,687 --> 00:57:21,729 Hello, Mr. Simmons. 1231 00:57:21,813 --> 00:57:22,772 Hey, yeah, Doctor, good to see you. 1232 00:57:22,856 --> 00:57:23,939 How are you? I brought my friend. 1233 00:57:24,024 --> 00:57:28,194 This is my... Well, my lover, my life partner, my everything. 1234 00:57:28,278 --> 00:57:30,821 How are you? What's going on? How we doing? 1235 00:57:30,906 --> 00:57:34,033 Well, your immune system is in the middle of a very serious battle. 1236 00:57:34,534 --> 00:57:36,452 The medicine is trying to combat the disease, 1237 00:57:36,536 --> 00:57:38,954 but in the process it destroys healthy tissue 1238 00:57:39,039 --> 00:57:41,332 and disrupts healthy functioning of your organs 1239 00:57:41,416 --> 00:57:43,918 and multiple lymphatic systems, 1240 00:57:44,002 --> 00:57:46,170 so you're getting attacked on two levels. 1241 00:57:46,463 --> 00:57:48,422 And we hope the disease is vanquished 1242 00:57:48,507 --> 00:57:51,425 before it and the medicine does damage which cannot be contained. 1243 00:57:51,843 --> 00:57:53,469 Okay. 1244 00:57:53,553 --> 00:57:55,221 Your accent is very thick. 1245 00:57:56,723 --> 00:57:58,015 You ever notice your accent 1246 00:57:58,100 --> 00:58:01,686 makes things sound worse than they... Than they actually are? 1247 00:58:02,145 --> 00:58:04,355 You could give good news, and I'd still be like, 1248 00:58:04,439 --> 00:58:06,190 "What happened? Am I still dying?" 1249 00:58:07,067 --> 00:58:08,567 I'm just trying to help you. 1250 00:58:08,902 --> 00:58:11,237 I know you sound like a regular Joe where you come from, 1251 00:58:11,321 --> 00:58:17,201 but here I keep thinking you're gonna be torturing James Bond later. 1252 00:58:17,285 --> 00:58:21,247 I'm sure your sense of humor will serve you well in this situation. 1253 00:58:21,331 --> 00:58:26,252 There he goes again. All so terrifying because it came out of your mouth. 1254 00:58:26,670 --> 00:58:28,504 You are a very funny man. 1255 00:58:28,588 --> 00:58:30,923 Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard? 1256 00:58:31,299 --> 00:58:33,759 I don't understand the reference. 1257 00:58:35,220 --> 00:58:37,430 He kind of looks like those two guys in the second Matrix movie. 1258 00:58:37,764 --> 00:58:38,889 (CHUCKLES) 1259 00:58:38,974 --> 00:58:41,142 I assure you I was not in The Matrix. 1260 00:58:41,226 --> 00:58:44,270 Why did you eat Björn Borg? What did he do to you? 1261 00:58:44,354 --> 00:58:48,149 If you have no other questions, I do have other patients. 1262 00:58:48,233 --> 00:58:52,194 You have other patients that you have to frighten by the end of the day? 1263 00:58:52,279 --> 00:58:53,738 How many patients do you frighten a day? 1264 00:58:53,822 --> 00:58:56,699 And I am slowly getting a little bit annoyed 1265 00:58:56,783 --> 00:59:00,536 by these humorous activities from you guys. 1266 00:59:01,288 --> 00:59:02,288 So, I think you and... 1267 00:59:02,372 --> 00:59:03,914 We have discussed this and I am very, 1268 00:59:03,999 --> 00:59:06,584 very sympathetic to your recovery, 1269 00:59:06,668 --> 00:59:10,087 and I hope we will succeed with what we are doing. 1270 00:59:10,172 --> 00:59:12,715 I've been trying to build this cabinet I bought from you guys 1271 00:59:12,799 --> 00:59:15,009 for, like, six months and I gotta... 1272 00:59:15,093 --> 00:59:16,969 IKEA? That's very funny. 1273 00:59:27,355 --> 00:59:29,315 Hey. Yo, Teach. Hey. 1274 00:59:31,067 --> 00:59:32,777 How's... How was the taping? 1275 00:59:32,861 --> 00:59:35,654 Great. Great, yeah. I'm happy with it. 1276 00:59:35,739 --> 00:59:37,364 I think the ending really murdered. 1277 00:59:37,449 --> 00:59:40,284 Was it a very special episode? 1278 00:59:41,953 --> 00:59:44,413 You remember Daisy, right? 1279 00:59:44,498 --> 00:59:45,748 Yeah, of course. 1280 00:59:46,208 --> 00:59:47,249 Hey. 1281 00:59:47,334 --> 00:59:48,626 MARK: I'm sorry. 1282 00:59:48,710 --> 00:59:50,377 I didn't know you'd be coming home tonight. 1283 00:59:50,462 --> 00:59:53,172 I thought maybe you'd be spending the night at George's and... 1284 00:59:53,256 --> 00:59:57,218 Guess it's been more than 10 days, huh? 1285 00:59:57,302 --> 01:00:00,888 (SOFTLY) Yeah, I gave you an extra 11. 1286 01:00:00,972 --> 01:00:02,097 What are you guys talking about? 1287 01:00:02,182 --> 01:00:04,058 Nothing. Doesn't matter. It's cool. 1288 01:00:04,142 --> 01:00:06,352 Don't give a shit. Totally fine. 1289 01:00:11,191 --> 01:00:13,859 Hey. I saw the new Harry Potter movie. 1290 01:00:15,111 --> 01:00:16,111 Harry's getting old. 1291 01:00:16,196 --> 01:00:17,196 He's, like, older than my dad. 1292 01:00:17,280 --> 01:00:18,781 They should call him Harold Potter. 1293 01:00:19,616 --> 01:00:21,742 That Hermione's got some big, old titties. 1294 01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:26,831 Whoa! 1295 01:00:26,915 --> 01:00:30,876 Did you two just bone? I'm getting a little vibe here. 1296 01:00:30,961 --> 01:00:33,879 This is exciting. Think I'm getting a quarter chub. 1297 01:00:34,381 --> 01:00:35,381 (SIGHS) 1298 01:00:35,465 --> 01:00:36,799 Why is Ira so upset? 1299 01:00:36,883 --> 01:00:39,301 It's been, like, way after 10 days. 1300 01:00:39,386 --> 01:00:42,471 He can't call dibs on every girl he meets. 1301 01:00:42,806 --> 01:00:45,307 We were supposed to go out on a date together. 1302 01:00:45,392 --> 01:00:48,060 We are going out on a date. I thought so. 1303 01:00:48,144 --> 01:00:49,311 We're not anymore! No! 1304 01:00:49,396 --> 01:00:50,437 Really? 1305 01:00:50,522 --> 01:00:54,650 'Cause after you fuck my roommate that kind of ends it with me! 1306 01:00:54,734 --> 01:00:57,152 What are you talking about? Don't treat me like that. 1307 01:00:57,237 --> 01:01:00,447 Just so you know how I'm seeing you? You're a starfucker. 1308 01:01:00,532 --> 01:01:02,825 You're a girl who met a star and then fucked him. 1309 01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:04,618 And he's not even that famous! 1310 01:01:04,703 --> 01:01:07,872 What if like a real good-looking celebrity was my roommate? 1311 01:01:07,956 --> 01:01:11,959 What if I lived with, you know, James McAvoy or Jude Law or something? 1312 01:01:12,460 --> 01:01:14,795 I don't know. I probably would fuck both of those people. 1313 01:01:14,880 --> 01:01:15,838 Don't say that. 1314 01:01:15,922 --> 01:01:17,715 I'm sorry! Lower the bar a little bit. 1315 01:01:17,799 --> 01:01:19,383 I can't believe that! 1316 01:01:19,718 --> 01:01:20,968 (GROANS) 1317 01:01:21,052 --> 01:01:26,307 If a hot girl walked over here, naked, and was like, "Do my body," you would. 1318 01:01:26,433 --> 01:01:27,808 You would have sex with her. 1319 01:01:27,893 --> 01:01:30,269 No, I'd feel really uncomfortable. 1320 01:01:30,395 --> 01:01:32,688 And then I might ask her to a Wilco show. 1321 01:01:32,772 --> 01:01:37,192 Okay, then you're the first guy in the world that I've ever met that's like that. 1322 01:01:37,652 --> 01:01:40,237 I thought you were the kind of girl that would wait two months 1323 01:01:40,322 --> 01:01:41,363 and then have sex with a guy. 1324 01:01:41,448 --> 01:01:42,448 I didn't think you would just... 1325 01:01:42,532 --> 01:01:44,617 I'm an independent woman. 1326 01:01:44,701 --> 01:01:47,202 I'm allowed to fuck people. 1327 01:01:47,454 --> 01:01:50,581 Well, if I had known that, I would have scheduled our date a lot sooner! 1328 01:01:52,250 --> 01:01:54,710 Give me a break. I don't even know you. 1329 01:01:54,878 --> 01:01:57,838 This is the longest conversation we've ever had. 1330 01:02:03,678 --> 01:02:08,557 Don't be mad at me. I said I'd give you 10 days. 1331 01:02:08,642 --> 01:02:10,184 I gave you three weeks. 1332 01:02:13,563 --> 01:02:14,813 I thought you were joking, man. 1333 01:02:14,898 --> 01:02:17,399 I'm gonna be honest with you. 1334 01:02:17,484 --> 01:02:20,319 We... We... We want to fuck every girl that we meet. 1335 01:02:21,655 --> 01:02:22,613 That's how it works. 1336 01:02:22,697 --> 01:02:25,741 If I didn't sleep with every girl you wished you could sleep with, 1337 01:02:25,825 --> 01:02:27,451 I wouldn't sleep with anybody. 1338 01:02:27,535 --> 01:02:30,120 It's a communication breakdown. We can fix this. 1339 01:02:30,622 --> 01:02:32,414 I don't care. The fact that you had sex with her... 1340 01:02:32,499 --> 01:02:36,877 I can never do anything like that with her. 1341 01:02:36,962 --> 01:02:41,256 So, you're really not gonna chase this girl just because I was with her? 1342 01:02:41,341 --> 01:02:42,466 Yeah. 1343 01:02:43,176 --> 01:02:44,259 Huh. 1344 01:02:45,095 --> 01:02:47,262 It's kind of insulting, on some level. 1345 01:02:50,058 --> 01:02:52,434 Wanna go to Wilco with me? 1346 01:02:53,228 --> 01:02:56,271 I wish I could, but I'm going with Tobey Maguire. 1347 01:02:56,356 --> 01:02:58,983 I might play his little brother in this movie. 1348 01:03:02,946 --> 01:03:03,946 (SIGHS) 1349 01:03:04,030 --> 01:03:05,656 I hope I get it. 1350 01:03:10,662 --> 01:03:14,164 GEORGE: Give me something. You didn't get rid of them. What did you get rid of? 1351 01:03:14,249 --> 01:03:16,000 IRA: Well, I, you know, I got a few good offers, 1352 01:03:16,084 --> 01:03:18,544 but honestly, I don't know how much each car is worth and I... 1353 01:03:18,628 --> 01:03:20,504 They keep on wanting to buy all of them 1354 01:03:20,588 --> 01:03:22,006 and it's hard for me to... Don't make it a big deal. 1355 01:03:22,090 --> 01:03:24,967 Don't get a stomach-ache over it. Just sell them. 1356 01:03:25,051 --> 01:03:26,260 Give it to a charity. Move on. 1357 01:03:26,344 --> 01:03:27,344 Okay. 1358 01:03:27,470 --> 01:03:28,679 I just want to be happy about 1359 01:03:28,763 --> 01:03:29,805 giving something away, you know. 1360 01:03:29,889 --> 01:03:30,889 Okay. 1361 01:03:30,974 --> 01:03:31,974 So... 1362 01:03:33,560 --> 01:03:36,186 There's something I've really been wanting to tell you, George. 1363 01:03:36,271 --> 01:03:37,396 Uh-oh. 1364 01:03:38,189 --> 01:03:39,440 Yeah. 1365 01:03:39,524 --> 01:03:44,069 I feel as though you need to tell someone other than me about your condition. 1366 01:03:45,697 --> 01:03:47,156 I don't want to do that. 1367 01:03:47,240 --> 01:03:48,699 George, people care about you. 1368 01:03:48,783 --> 01:03:50,784 You have to let them be there for you. 1369 01:03:51,745 --> 01:03:55,581 I tell somebody, then it's all gonna change, and you can't get it back. 1370 01:03:56,374 --> 01:03:58,208 Everything's already changed, George, 1371 01:03:58,293 --> 01:04:02,504 and the truth is soon you're gonna start getting very sick 1372 01:04:02,589 --> 01:04:04,673 and you are gonna want someone other than me there. 1373 01:04:05,175 --> 01:04:07,384 I mean, have you... Have you even told your parents yet? 1374 01:04:07,469 --> 01:04:09,595 My parents are in their mid-70s. 1375 01:04:09,679 --> 01:04:12,347 They would drop dead if they heard about this. 1376 01:04:12,432 --> 01:04:14,266 Friends. You must want to tell your friends. 1377 01:04:14,350 --> 01:04:16,393 I don't really have any friends. 1378 01:04:16,478 --> 01:04:18,812 I have people I shoot the shit with and fuck around with, 1379 01:04:18,897 --> 01:04:20,689 but there's nobody I'm really close with. 1380 01:04:20,774 --> 01:04:22,232 I've got showbiz friends. 1381 01:04:22,317 --> 01:04:25,778 Andy Dick isn't a friend. He's just a guy you know. 1382 01:04:25,862 --> 01:04:28,363 You're my closest friend, and I don't even like you. 1383 01:04:28,448 --> 01:04:29,448 (SIGHS) 1384 01:04:29,532 --> 01:04:31,617 You have to tell someone other than me, man. 1385 01:04:31,701 --> 01:04:33,368 I can't be the only one who knows. 1386 01:04:33,453 --> 01:04:34,912 I've never dealt with anything like this. 1387 01:04:34,996 --> 01:04:37,372 All my grandparents are alive. 1388 01:04:37,457 --> 01:04:40,876 Listen, this is not your job to cry. Your job is to not cry. 1389 01:04:40,960 --> 01:04:43,921 I'm just trying to talk to you man-to-man, George. 1390 01:04:44,005 --> 01:04:46,006 As a man, you are crying right now. 1391 01:04:46,091 --> 01:04:47,091 I'm not crying. 1392 01:04:47,175 --> 01:04:49,468 People are gonna think we just broke up or something, Ira. 1393 01:04:49,552 --> 01:04:51,220 Stop doing what you're doing. 1394 01:04:51,304 --> 01:04:52,346 Okay, I'll stop. 1395 01:04:52,430 --> 01:04:56,350 You're causing a scene. You're making crazy faces now, Ira. 1396 01:04:56,935 --> 01:04:59,436 Open your eyes. Stop crying. 1397 01:04:59,521 --> 01:05:00,562 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 1398 01:05:00,647 --> 01:05:03,065 You're making noises now? You look like the Incredible Hulk. 1399 01:05:03,149 --> 01:05:04,149 (SPLUTTERS) 1400 01:05:04,234 --> 01:05:06,110 Jesus, you're spitting on my shrimp, 1401 01:05:06,194 --> 01:05:07,611 you asshole. I'm sorry. 1402 01:05:07,695 --> 01:05:08,904 (SNIFFLES) 1403 01:05:08,988 --> 01:05:09,947 God, I'm sorry. 1404 01:05:10,031 --> 01:05:11,073 Come on. Wipe it off. 1405 01:05:11,825 --> 01:05:13,450 Jesus Christ. 1406 01:05:14,369 --> 01:05:16,745 I'm sorry, I just don't know. 1407 01:05:16,830 --> 01:05:18,122 This is the worst. 1408 01:05:18,206 --> 01:05:20,707 Why didn't I just get hit by a fucking foul ball? 1409 01:05:21,751 --> 01:05:23,836 You ruined The Palm, you fucking ass. 1410 01:05:26,464 --> 01:05:29,341 This could have been the best meal, ever. 1411 01:05:30,468 --> 01:05:31,927 Should I get you ice chips or something? 1412 01:05:32,011 --> 01:05:33,846 No, I'm good. 1413 01:05:34,556 --> 01:05:35,931 You never had any kids, huh? 1414 01:05:36,015 --> 01:05:37,599 No. No. We didn't get to that. 1415 01:05:37,684 --> 01:05:39,184 I have three. 1416 01:05:39,269 --> 01:05:40,269 I know. 1417 01:05:40,353 --> 01:05:42,437 Three kids to carry on the Dick legacy. 1418 01:05:42,522 --> 01:05:46,733 How the hell did you have any kids with all the penises you've blown? 1419 01:05:46,818 --> 01:05:50,487 I sucked my own dick and spit it into their vagina. 1420 01:05:52,031 --> 01:05:54,825 I mean, knowing that. Most people just go through life asleep anyways. 1421 01:05:54,909 --> 01:05:57,035 Some of those people don't even wake up until they get, you know, 1422 01:05:57,120 --> 01:05:58,495 the Dr. Death call, you know. 1423 01:05:58,580 --> 01:06:01,415 (IN HUSKY VOICE) "This is Dr. Death! You're going to die." 1424 01:06:01,499 --> 01:06:03,375 (RASPING) "Don't be afraid, George. 1425 01:06:03,459 --> 01:06:08,297 "It's just Death calling. Cheer up, motherfucker!" 1426 01:06:08,882 --> 01:06:10,424 Yeah. Fuck negativity. 1427 01:06:10,508 --> 01:06:13,135 Fuck it in the ass with a Chinese monkey! 1428 01:06:14,053 --> 01:06:16,054 I wish I wasn't so fucking angry with you right now. 1429 01:06:16,806 --> 01:06:19,099 Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't a good brother. 1430 01:06:19,184 --> 01:06:20,559 You were a terrible brother. 1431 01:06:20,643 --> 01:06:22,060 You just left us and you didn't care. 1432 01:06:22,145 --> 01:06:24,062 You didn't give a shit about us. 1433 01:06:24,147 --> 01:06:25,981 You don't even give a... You moved to Kansas. 1434 01:06:26,107 --> 01:06:28,066 Am I supposed to visit you in Kansas? Yes. 1435 01:06:28,151 --> 01:06:30,652 I thought that's why you moved there, so you didn't get visitors. 1436 01:06:30,737 --> 01:06:32,112 You're so fucking selfish. 1437 01:06:32,197 --> 01:06:33,238 I know. 1438 01:06:33,323 --> 01:06:36,408 You've only seen my son, like, three times. 1439 01:06:36,492 --> 01:06:39,328 I send him fucking DVDs all the time. 1440 01:06:39,412 --> 01:06:41,413 He doesn't want your DVDs. 1441 01:06:41,497 --> 01:06:43,081 He wants you to be a part of his life. 1442 01:06:43,166 --> 01:06:45,167 He wants to be a part of yours. 1443 01:06:45,251 --> 01:06:47,711 Wow. This has been great. 1444 01:06:47,795 --> 01:06:51,673 I want to call Dad now and just have more family time. 1445 01:06:51,841 --> 01:06:54,843 What did we ever do to you? I'm not Dad. 1446 01:06:57,180 --> 01:06:59,514 You are right. 1447 01:06:59,599 --> 01:07:03,810 You're very, very nice, and I'm sorry I don't know your son. 1448 01:07:03,895 --> 01:07:06,897 I'm sorry I don't know you anymore. 1449 01:07:07,023 --> 01:07:09,191 I'm glad you don't know me. 1450 01:07:09,275 --> 01:07:10,400 I wish I did. 1451 01:07:11,903 --> 01:07:14,780 You'd be let down, believe me. 1452 01:07:22,914 --> 01:07:24,748 Oh, man. 1453 01:07:30,630 --> 01:07:32,172 Oh, God. 1454 01:07:35,301 --> 01:07:36,927 Who's that? 1455 01:07:37,011 --> 01:07:38,929 That's the girl I was gonna marry... 1456 01:07:39,013 --> 01:07:40,180 (DOORBELL RINGS) 1457 01:07:40,265 --> 01:07:42,474 ...but then she smartened up. 1458 01:07:43,309 --> 01:07:45,769 So, she's 10 and she's six. 1459 01:07:45,853 --> 01:07:48,230 GEORGE: So cute. 1460 01:07:48,314 --> 01:07:50,399 Jeez, she looks like you, the little one, huh? 1461 01:07:50,483 --> 01:07:51,525 Yeah. 1462 01:07:51,609 --> 01:07:54,444 What's the matter? Your guy doesn't have any DNA in him? 1463 01:07:54,529 --> 01:07:57,114 That's all Laura. 1464 01:07:57,198 --> 01:07:59,032 They fight a lot, but they're cute. 1465 01:07:59,492 --> 01:08:03,328 Yeah. Thank you so much for coming here. 1466 01:08:03,830 --> 01:08:05,122 I wanted to come. I wanted to see you. 1467 01:08:05,206 --> 01:08:06,415 You didn't have to come here. 1468 01:08:06,499 --> 01:08:09,251 You didn't have to. I know it's stressful for you. 1469 01:08:09,669 --> 01:08:12,087 I'm just... I'm just... I'm so sorry. 1470 01:08:12,588 --> 01:08:14,923 I'm so sorry about everything I did. 1471 01:08:15,508 --> 01:08:18,176 You don't have to be sorry. That was 12 years ago. 1472 01:08:18,261 --> 01:08:20,095 Everything worked out for the best. 1473 01:08:20,179 --> 01:08:22,389 It's good. Look at your life. This is great. 1474 01:08:22,765 --> 01:08:28,353 Yes. It's the best life. I hate it. I hate it all. 1475 01:08:28,438 --> 01:08:29,604 I haven't been... You don't hate it. 1476 01:08:29,689 --> 01:08:32,649 I'm addicted to it, I guess. I keep doing it. 1477 01:08:33,026 --> 01:08:35,944 Hello, Wayne. This is Ira. I'm calling to say 1478 01:08:36,029 --> 01:08:39,239 I don't think today is a good day for you to come by and see George. 1479 01:08:39,532 --> 01:08:42,576 Maybe tomorrow. So, I'll give you a call when I know what the schedule looks like. 1480 01:08:42,660 --> 01:08:44,953 Thank you. I'll talk to you soon. 1481 01:08:46,331 --> 01:08:48,540 You have a family now. You have a family now. 1482 01:08:48,624 --> 01:08:51,418 I'm so happy. You did the right thing. You moved on. 1483 01:08:51,502 --> 01:08:53,628 You got a good life. 1484 01:08:53,713 --> 01:08:56,840 And... And I just got nothing, Laura. I hate that. 1485 01:08:56,924 --> 01:08:59,509 I hate that it could have been me with you. 1486 01:08:59,594 --> 01:09:00,802 Don't do that, please? 1487 01:09:00,887 --> 01:09:02,512 I'm sorry. I just fucking... 1488 01:09:02,597 --> 01:09:05,015 You... I could have had those kids with you. 1489 01:09:05,975 --> 01:09:09,644 How could you cheat on me? I was so hot. 1490 01:09:09,729 --> 01:09:11,271 You were. You were so hot. I don't know. 1491 01:09:11,356 --> 01:09:12,647 I was hot! 1492 01:09:12,732 --> 01:09:15,650 I don't even know what the fuck I was doing. 1493 01:09:15,735 --> 01:09:20,238 I was just a stupid idiot. I don't remember anybody else. 1494 01:09:20,365 --> 01:09:21,990 What was wrong with you? I don't remember anybody else. 1495 01:09:22,075 --> 01:09:23,742 I only remember you. I don't know. 1496 01:09:23,826 --> 01:09:26,787 I don't even know who they were, who fucking ruined us. 1497 01:09:26,871 --> 01:09:30,082 They're not in my brain, ever. It's like it didn't happen. 1498 01:09:30,166 --> 01:09:32,042 The only thing that happened was us. 1499 01:09:32,126 --> 01:09:34,836 And you ran away 'cause you had to. 1500 01:09:34,921 --> 01:09:36,755 I had to go. 1501 01:09:36,839 --> 01:09:40,050 At the time, I just couldn't do it anymore. 1502 01:09:40,176 --> 01:09:42,386 Yeah. But you know what I realized? 1503 01:09:42,470 --> 01:09:44,137 I love my husband, 1504 01:09:45,515 --> 01:09:48,225 but it's just not the same. 1505 01:09:49,227 --> 01:09:52,896 And I loved you so much and... 1506 01:09:54,440 --> 01:09:56,608 I know, I know, I know, I know. 1507 01:09:56,692 --> 01:09:59,945 I have the same thing. I have the same thing. 1508 01:10:00,029 --> 01:10:02,656 Don't feel bad. Don't feel bad. 1509 01:10:02,782 --> 01:10:05,909 I love you. I love you. I always loved you. 1510 01:10:05,993 --> 01:10:09,538 And the crazy thing is he cheats on me, too. 1511 01:10:09,622 --> 01:10:10,580 I hate... 1512 01:10:10,665 --> 01:10:12,374 He's like an Australian you. 1513 01:10:13,126 --> 01:10:17,045 I fucking hate this guy. Is he crazy? 1514 01:10:17,130 --> 01:10:20,382 It's just that you were the one. 1515 01:10:20,466 --> 01:10:25,804 Just you are... Were... Are the love... 1516 01:10:28,641 --> 01:10:32,519 Love of my life. And I just love you. 1517 01:10:41,028 --> 01:10:43,447 Yeah, the hug was a mistake, wasn't it? 1518 01:10:46,742 --> 01:10:48,910 You're not sick, are you? 1519 01:10:48,995 --> 01:10:52,080 You're just doing that to get me down here, huh? 1520 01:10:52,373 --> 01:10:53,665 (LAUGHS) 1521 01:10:55,001 --> 01:10:56,543 There are those hands again. 1522 01:10:56,627 --> 01:10:58,128 My big hands. 1523 01:10:58,212 --> 01:11:00,088 Always made my penis look small. 1524 01:11:00,173 --> 01:11:01,214 (LAUGHING) 1525 01:11:01,299 --> 01:11:03,842 Thank you, hands, for that complex. 1526 01:11:05,845 --> 01:11:08,305 Yes. Jeez. 1527 01:11:08,389 --> 01:11:14,394 The two of them together, it was a guaranteed dwarfing. Okay. 1528 01:11:14,479 --> 01:11:16,897 (PLAYING ROCK MUSIC) 1529 01:11:22,111 --> 01:11:23,195 Yeah. 1530 01:11:25,323 --> 01:11:26,990 That was worth it. 1531 01:11:27,366 --> 01:11:29,284 We're into overtime now, just so you know. 1532 01:11:29,368 --> 01:11:31,286 (LAUGHS) Jeez, that came quick. 1533 01:11:31,370 --> 01:11:33,330 I wish that you guys were really my friends 1534 01:11:33,414 --> 01:11:36,082 and I didn't have to pay you to jam with me. 1535 01:11:37,543 --> 01:11:40,545 All right, so let's keep going then. 1536 01:11:40,922 --> 01:11:42,964 (PLAYING SOFT ROCK MUSIC) 1537 01:11:53,768 --> 01:11:57,437 (SINGING) All my little plans and schemes 1538 01:11:59,482 --> 01:12:03,777 Lost like some forgotten dream 1539 01:12:05,238 --> 01:12:06,446 Seems like all I... 1540 01:12:06,531 --> 01:12:08,156 Diego. Yes, George? 1541 01:12:08,241 --> 01:12:09,991 The roses look terrific. 1542 01:12:10,076 --> 01:12:11,701 Thank you. They sure look beautiful. 1543 01:12:11,786 --> 01:12:15,455 Only a guy with a big cock like you could make roses this beautiful. 1544 01:12:16,874 --> 01:12:20,669 Don't need to be alone 1545 01:12:22,713 --> 01:12:26,508 No need to be alone 1546 01:12:29,512 --> 01:12:34,766 It's real love It's real 1547 01:12:34,850 --> 01:12:37,227 Yes, it's real love 1548 01:12:37,311 --> 01:12:38,812 You doing stand-up at all? 1549 01:12:38,896 --> 01:12:41,398 This is actually the first time I've left the house in three years. 1550 01:12:41,482 --> 01:12:43,024 But I will sometimes, in my house, 1551 01:12:43,109 --> 01:12:45,235 in front of my kids, I'll do five, six minutes. 1552 01:12:45,319 --> 01:12:47,696 Not good stuff. It's a lot of "Where you from?" You know. 1553 01:12:47,780 --> 01:12:49,030 But, you know, all kidding aside, 1554 01:12:49,115 --> 01:12:50,490 I know you're in a terrible situation, 1555 01:12:50,575 --> 01:12:53,201 but even with that, you look so much better than him. 1556 01:12:53,286 --> 01:12:54,953 (ALL LAUGHING) 1557 01:12:57,665 --> 01:13:01,960 (SINGING) The Kingdom of Heaven is, is in your hands 1558 01:13:03,087 --> 01:13:07,716 I don't expect for you to awake from your dreams 1559 01:13:07,800 --> 01:13:09,718 We watched your last movie on video. 1560 01:13:10,011 --> 01:13:12,429 A man who is funny doesn't have to work blue. 1561 01:13:12,513 --> 01:13:14,723 You don't... You don't have to do trash to be funny. 1562 01:13:14,807 --> 01:13:16,224 I'll tell you who was a great comedian. 1563 01:13:16,309 --> 01:13:17,726 Please say me. Who? 1564 01:13:17,810 --> 01:13:18,768 Jackie Gleason. 1565 01:13:18,853 --> 01:13:20,020 Yeah, of course. 1566 01:13:20,104 --> 01:13:22,230 You like him 'cause you look like Art Carney. 1567 01:13:22,315 --> 01:13:23,690 (ALL LAUGH) 1568 01:13:25,067 --> 01:13:28,194 Gleason was terrific. And you ain't so bad. 1569 01:13:28,279 --> 01:13:30,238 All right. Thank you, Pop. I know. 1570 01:13:30,323 --> 01:13:31,990 (SINGING) It's real 1571 01:13:32,116 --> 01:13:35,827 It's real love, oh, yeah 1572 01:13:35,911 --> 01:13:37,329 (INAUDIBLE) 1573 01:13:37,455 --> 01:13:42,208 It's real love, yeah 1574 01:13:43,169 --> 01:13:48,423 It's real love It's real 1575 01:13:52,595 --> 01:13:55,388 I think I played it all wrong, Ira. 1576 01:13:55,514 --> 01:13:56,514 (SIGHS) 1577 01:13:56,599 --> 01:13:58,475 I played it all wrong. 1578 01:14:04,357 --> 01:14:07,400 Okay. He's here. We saw each other. Let me answer it. Mark. 1579 01:14:07,485 --> 01:14:09,694 Stop. Let me answer it. Mark, man. 1580 01:14:10,196 --> 01:14:11,613 Move, bitch! 1581 01:14:11,697 --> 01:14:12,781 Hey, George Simmons. Hey. 1582 01:14:12,865 --> 01:14:14,282 Hey, what's up? 1583 01:14:14,367 --> 01:14:15,867 Happy Thanksgiving. Hey! 1584 01:14:15,951 --> 01:14:17,369 Mark. Leo is the name I got. 1585 01:14:17,453 --> 01:14:18,953 How are you? Yeah, yeah. Yo Teach! 1586 01:14:19,038 --> 01:14:20,997 That's right! Yeah, right. 1587 01:14:21,457 --> 01:14:22,916 Oh, boy. 1588 01:14:23,042 --> 01:14:26,336 That movie's the best 'cause you're a man then you're a baby 1589 01:14:26,420 --> 01:14:29,089 and then you learn to be a man once you be... You need... 1590 01:14:29,173 --> 01:14:31,466 It takes becoming a baby to learn how to become a man. 1591 01:14:32,093 --> 01:14:34,844 Yeah. Can we get you a drink or some food? 1592 01:14:34,929 --> 01:14:37,305 No, no, no. Let me just walk around and go through your shit. 1593 01:14:37,390 --> 01:14:38,807 (LAUGHS) 1594 01:14:39,308 --> 01:14:40,809 Hey, I'm Bo. 1595 01:14:40,893 --> 01:14:42,352 What's up, Bo? I'm an actor, so... 1596 01:14:42,436 --> 01:14:45,271 Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good. 1597 01:14:47,066 --> 01:14:48,108 GEORGE: I've seen your act a lot. 1598 01:14:48,192 --> 01:14:49,359 Really? Where? 1599 01:14:49,443 --> 01:14:53,613 Schmira, he has that... What's that, the YouTubey thing that, that... 1600 01:14:53,906 --> 01:14:54,906 DAISY: The YouTube. GEORGE: Yeah. 1601 01:14:54,990 --> 01:14:57,784 George and Daisy are here? How the hell did that happen? 1602 01:14:57,910 --> 01:15:00,286 I didn't think George would come, and who invited Daisy? 1603 01:15:00,371 --> 01:15:01,496 I invited her. 1604 01:15:01,580 --> 01:15:03,164 Are you still sleeping with Daisy? 1605 01:15:03,249 --> 01:15:04,749 No, I'm not sleeping with Daisy! 1606 01:15:04,834 --> 01:15:09,087 I have a new girlfriend now. I'm dating the girl who plays Mrs. Pruitt. 1607 01:15:09,171 --> 01:15:11,214 Her name's Carla something. 1608 01:15:11,298 --> 01:15:13,174 Can I sit next to George at dinner? 1609 01:15:13,259 --> 01:15:15,218 Sit wherever the hell you want to sit, man, why? 1610 01:15:15,302 --> 01:15:18,346 I feel like if I can just make George crack up once, 1611 01:15:18,723 --> 01:15:20,140 it'll do huge things for me, like... 1612 01:15:20,224 --> 01:15:21,516 What, you wrote jokes for Thanksgiving? 1613 01:15:21,600 --> 01:15:22,726 I didn't write jokes. 1614 01:15:22,810 --> 01:15:24,561 I just wrote down my funniest anecdotes 1615 01:15:24,645 --> 01:15:25,895 and punched them up here and there. 1616 01:15:26,355 --> 01:15:30,692 Okay, I can't hide in the kitchen all afternoon. I'm going. 1617 01:15:31,902 --> 01:15:33,695 My man. The Schmira. 1618 01:15:33,779 --> 01:15:35,196 Thanks for coming, man. 1619 01:15:35,281 --> 01:15:37,115 This is the best. Where's your bedroom? 1620 01:15:37,450 --> 01:15:39,993 Well, get ready for a hike, 'cause you're standing in it. 1621 01:15:40,077 --> 01:15:41,995 No. It's... Yeah, it's pretty lame. 1622 01:15:42,079 --> 01:15:43,413 Did you go to that Wilco show? 1623 01:15:43,497 --> 01:15:44,539 Yeah, did you? 1624 01:15:44,623 --> 01:15:47,500 (LAUGHS) No, actually, I didn't. I scalped the tickets. 1625 01:15:48,043 --> 01:15:49,377 I made 100 bucks profit, so... 1626 01:15:49,462 --> 01:15:51,421 Oh. So, you owe me 50. 1627 01:15:53,507 --> 01:15:56,176 Okay, I guess I do. Rain check, okay? 1628 01:15:56,260 --> 01:15:57,260 Money order. 1629 01:15:57,386 --> 01:15:58,553 Money order? That'll work. Yeah. 1630 01:15:58,637 --> 01:16:00,430 PayPal? Are you on PayPal? Yeah, PayPal it up. 1631 01:16:00,514 --> 01:16:03,099 Look at that, back and forth, like a cute couple. 1632 01:16:03,184 --> 01:16:05,643 You're like Marc Anthony and J. Lo. 1633 01:16:05,978 --> 01:16:09,647 You know, we actually had a date, but then I had sex with that guy, 1634 01:16:10,191 --> 01:16:11,232 so Schmira broke it off. 1635 01:16:11,317 --> 01:16:12,358 GEORGE: You kidding me? 1636 01:16:12,443 --> 01:16:15,612 Don't worry, Ira. You know you're a better lover than Pete Rose over there. 1637 01:16:15,696 --> 01:16:17,530 Look at him. He's got the length and the width. 1638 01:16:17,615 --> 01:16:19,365 Imagine that dong of his. 1639 01:16:19,450 --> 01:16:21,659 I saw the tip of it one time. Even that was too big for me. 1640 01:16:21,744 --> 01:16:23,411 No, it's very normal. Yeah. 1641 01:16:23,496 --> 01:16:24,746 So, you like big penises? 1642 01:16:24,830 --> 01:16:27,415 Well, you know, I have a really skinny vagina, so... 1643 01:16:27,500 --> 01:16:29,334 If it's skinny, you should try feeding it carbs. 1644 01:16:29,418 --> 01:16:31,002 (LAUGHING) 1645 01:16:31,128 --> 01:16:32,712 Yeah. All right, well, jeez, you know what? 1646 01:16:32,797 --> 01:16:34,756 I'm gonna leave you two alone, huh? 1647 01:16:34,840 --> 01:16:35,840 Yeah, okay. 1648 01:16:35,925 --> 01:16:37,050 I'm falling in love with the both of you. 1649 01:16:37,134 --> 01:16:38,384 Let the awkwardness begin! 1650 01:16:38,469 --> 01:16:39,469 MAN: Love your work. 1651 01:16:39,553 --> 01:16:42,388 GEORGE: Yeah? Thank you for shopping at Ralphs. 1652 01:16:42,473 --> 01:16:45,558 I'm sorry. I owe you an apology. It's really weird what I did. 1653 01:16:45,643 --> 01:16:49,646 I basically yelled at you for cheating on me before we had even had a real conversation. 1654 01:16:49,772 --> 01:16:52,816 So, I'm aware of that. I know that's weird, and I'm sorry. 1655 01:16:52,900 --> 01:16:54,734 Well, it's not as weird as getting drunk 1656 01:16:54,819 --> 01:16:57,529 and having sex with the guy from Yo Teach! So... 1657 01:16:57,822 --> 01:17:01,032 It's okay. When I first moved here, I blew Mr. Belvedere. 1658 01:17:01,200 --> 01:17:02,992 (LAUGHS) So, everyone does that. 1659 01:17:03,369 --> 01:17:04,536 He's walking. George is walking to us. 1660 01:17:04,620 --> 01:17:06,913 Hello, ladies. 1661 01:17:06,997 --> 01:17:10,708 So, Leo? What's the excuse for not writing me jokes? 1662 01:17:11,335 --> 01:17:13,253 What? You could have made money. 1663 01:17:13,337 --> 01:17:15,964 I told both you guys to write jokes for me, and you decided not to. 1664 01:17:16,048 --> 01:17:19,676 What, did you have to go to Lens Crafters that day? 1665 01:17:19,760 --> 01:17:22,387 I was just joking. I like your glasses. 1666 01:17:23,848 --> 01:17:26,975 He wanted both of us to write jokes for him, and you didn't tell me? 1667 01:17:27,059 --> 01:17:29,769 I apologize. It's not worth, like, losing your shit over, man. 1668 01:17:29,854 --> 01:17:30,979 What, you don't think I like money? 1669 01:17:31,063 --> 01:17:32,397 You don't think I like private jets? 1670 01:17:32,481 --> 01:17:35,275 You don't think I want a cool job writing for George Simmons? 1671 01:17:35,359 --> 01:17:36,401 I just think you're doing well. 1672 01:17:36,485 --> 01:17:39,112 You know, you're getting gigs at the improv all the time. 1673 01:17:39,196 --> 01:17:40,697 You're gonna have people writing for you. 1674 01:17:40,781 --> 01:17:43,616 You don't need to be writing for other people, you know. 1675 01:17:43,701 --> 01:17:45,118 I know, I'm just... I'm sorry, I just... 1676 01:17:45,202 --> 01:17:47,620 I wanted something for myself and I just, you know... 1677 01:17:47,705 --> 01:17:50,456 It's just, you know, fuck you, Ira! 1678 01:17:51,000 --> 01:17:52,500 Just 'cause you go into faggy-apology mode 1679 01:17:52,585 --> 01:17:54,878 doesn't mean I'm gonna forgive you right away! 1680 01:17:55,004 --> 01:17:59,090 Fuck you, man. Look, I did the exact same thing you've been doing this whole time. 1681 01:17:59,174 --> 01:18:00,800 You're being competitive. You do that all the time. 1682 01:18:00,885 --> 01:18:02,135 I'm doing it now, okay? 1683 01:18:02,219 --> 01:18:03,970 I didn't make it competitive! Yes, you did. 1684 01:18:04,054 --> 01:18:05,889 Have you ever had to work for money? No. 1685 01:18:05,973 --> 01:18:07,557 You didn't work at a coal mine, Ira! 1686 01:18:07,641 --> 01:18:10,435 You worked at a deli! Stop crying about it! 1687 01:18:10,561 --> 01:18:13,187 I was only supposed to be on that pull-out couch for six months! 1688 01:18:13,272 --> 01:18:15,315 And we were supposed to trade! And we never did! 1689 01:18:15,399 --> 01:18:16,816 Yeah, we never did switch after six months. 1690 01:18:16,901 --> 01:18:17,901 Yeah. Exactly. 1691 01:18:17,985 --> 01:18:19,485 You know why? 'Cause I pay rent, Ira! 1692 01:18:19,570 --> 01:18:21,029 You don't pay rent. Your parents pay rent! 1693 01:18:21,113 --> 01:18:22,655 Why don't they move in? It's your fault. 1694 01:18:22,740 --> 01:18:28,578 Hey, hey, hey. Pilgrims, Indians, can we please stop fighting? 1695 01:18:28,662 --> 01:18:31,456 It's Thanksgiving. We have guests inside. Please stop. 1696 01:18:31,540 --> 01:18:34,334 I'm not fighting anymore. I'm done fighting. 1697 01:18:34,418 --> 01:18:36,336 Thank you. LEO: You called Daisy a starfucker? 1698 01:18:36,420 --> 01:18:37,837 Why don't you go cup George Simmons' balls 1699 01:18:37,922 --> 01:18:40,840 while you talk him to sleep every night, Ira? 1700 01:18:40,925 --> 01:18:42,550 Leo. 1701 01:18:42,927 --> 01:18:43,927 Sorry. 1702 01:18:44,428 --> 01:18:47,972 I would let you do that, too. My balls are for everybody. 1703 01:18:50,100 --> 01:18:53,728 Okay. It's starting to feel like Thanksgiving around here. 1704 01:18:54,438 --> 01:18:55,563 Let's eat some food. 1705 01:19:01,445 --> 01:19:04,155 I can't believe you screwed Daisy, man. 1706 01:19:05,616 --> 01:19:06,741 What? 1707 01:19:07,660 --> 01:19:10,995 So, does anybody want to say grace or anything? 1708 01:19:11,080 --> 01:19:13,289 Leo's a good writer, apparently. Come on, get up there. 1709 01:19:13,374 --> 01:19:14,916 Yeah, Leo. 1710 01:19:15,000 --> 01:19:16,376 MAN: Leo! Do it, Leo. 1711 01:19:16,460 --> 01:19:17,460 I'm okay, I'm okay. 1712 01:19:17,544 --> 01:19:19,837 All right, let me go. I'll do it for us. 1713 01:19:19,922 --> 01:19:22,006 Let me get it done. 1714 01:19:22,091 --> 01:19:26,886 Okay, so first let's give thanks to our families not being here. 1715 01:19:26,971 --> 01:19:27,971 (ALL AGREEING) 1716 01:19:28,055 --> 01:19:30,974 It's always easier, always easier without the family. 1717 01:19:31,809 --> 01:19:35,687 It's funny, I see you guys and you are just so much younger than me. 1718 01:19:35,813 --> 01:19:39,065 And I had no idea I was the old guy until I looked at you guys. 1719 01:19:40,609 --> 01:19:42,777 It was like when I was growing up, I had a big nose. 1720 01:19:42,861 --> 01:19:46,155 I had no idea until I went to the Gap and saw a three-way mirror, 1721 01:19:46,240 --> 01:19:48,741 and I was like, "Wow, I didn't know I had that thing." 1722 01:19:48,826 --> 01:19:49,826 (ALL LAUGH) 1723 01:19:49,910 --> 01:19:53,413 Yeah. No, it's a... It's good to be young. 1724 01:19:53,497 --> 01:19:56,249 It kind of sucks being old, so just enjoy this. 1725 01:19:56,333 --> 01:20:00,336 Enjoy time. Time slips away, I promise you. 1726 01:20:00,421 --> 01:20:03,923 I had a dinner like this 20 years ago 1727 01:20:04,008 --> 01:20:08,094 with guys that we just, like, lost touch with each other. 1728 01:20:08,178 --> 01:20:11,431 I never talk to them anymore. Some of them are dead. 1729 01:20:12,224 --> 01:20:16,644 So, yeah, you don't... Things slip away. 1730 01:20:18,147 --> 01:20:21,190 If you love somebody, don't let them slip away. 1731 01:20:22,359 --> 01:20:24,277 I swear to you, 1732 01:20:24,361 --> 01:20:26,904 this will be your most memorable Thanksgiving, 1733 01:20:27,031 --> 01:20:29,699 the one that you'll want the rest of your life, the one that you say, 1734 01:20:29,783 --> 01:20:32,452 "Man, it was never as good as that night." 1735 01:20:32,536 --> 01:20:36,956 So, let this night be great. Enjoy the taste of Leo's balls. 1736 01:20:37,041 --> 01:20:38,624 (ALL LAUGHING) 1737 01:20:38,709 --> 01:20:39,792 Rock 'n' roll! 1738 01:20:41,045 --> 01:20:44,714 Jesus, every time I'm near you I feel like fucking Danny DeVito. 1739 01:20:44,798 --> 01:20:47,550 Everybody feels like Danny DeVito when, you know, they walk by me. 1740 01:20:47,634 --> 01:20:48,968 Yeah. You're a giant. 1741 01:20:49,053 --> 01:20:50,011 (CLEARS THROAT) 1742 01:20:50,095 --> 01:20:51,763 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. 1743 01:20:52,389 --> 01:20:53,514 Um... 1744 01:20:54,058 --> 01:20:55,016 I don't want to get your hopes up. 1745 01:20:55,100 --> 01:20:56,142 Mmm-hmm. 1746 01:20:56,226 --> 01:20:59,729 We put you on this experimental medication without much optimism. 1747 01:20:59,813 --> 01:21:04,025 About 8% of all the people that we put on this medication get positive results. 1748 01:21:04,109 --> 01:21:05,151 Mmm-hmm. 1749 01:21:05,235 --> 01:21:08,571 You actually belong to these 8%. 1750 01:21:08,655 --> 01:21:10,156 I looked through your blood work, 1751 01:21:10,240 --> 01:21:13,201 and I couldn't find any traces of the disease. 1752 01:21:14,161 --> 01:21:16,496 I don't want to speak too soon, 1753 01:21:16,580 --> 01:21:18,164 but we may have beaten this thing. 1754 01:21:21,085 --> 01:21:23,586 Are you fucking with me 'cause I fucked with you? 1755 01:21:23,670 --> 01:21:27,006 So, that's the good news, Mr. Bond. 1756 01:21:27,091 --> 01:21:28,591 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 1757 01:21:29,426 --> 01:21:32,095 So, this is, this is... This is good news. 1758 01:21:33,263 --> 01:21:35,223 Like my accent now? 1759 01:21:35,307 --> 01:21:37,100 Now I like your accent, yeah. 1760 01:21:37,768 --> 01:21:40,603 I was excited all morning to tell you this news. 1761 01:21:41,063 --> 01:21:43,439 So, what happens now? What do I... What do I do now? 1762 01:21:43,524 --> 01:21:47,276 Maybe you can make another funny movie that I could laugh about. 1763 01:21:47,402 --> 01:21:52,698 Yeah. Wow. I wasn't expecting this to really work. 1764 01:21:52,783 --> 01:21:54,117 I was getting used to being sick. 1765 01:21:54,201 --> 01:21:57,120 I was actually thinking I was pretty good at that. 1766 01:21:57,204 --> 01:21:59,163 Get back to your life. 1767 01:22:05,087 --> 01:22:07,255 (PHONE RINGING) 1768 01:22:07,339 --> 01:22:09,715 IRA: Hey, this is Ira. I'm not in. Leave a message. 1769 01:22:09,800 --> 01:22:10,883 (PHONE BEEPS) 1770 01:22:10,968 --> 01:22:16,639 (SINGSONGY) Ira, I have a secret to tell you. It will make you happy. 1771 01:22:35,617 --> 01:22:37,618 Hi. Bonita? 1772 01:22:37,703 --> 01:22:38,703 George. 1773 01:22:41,999 --> 01:22:45,209 I was sick, you know that. And I just went to the doctor's. 1774 01:22:45,294 --> 01:22:47,503 He said I'm not sick anymore. 1775 01:22:47,588 --> 01:22:49,505 Oh, congratulations. 1776 01:22:52,843 --> 01:22:56,345 I found the pants you're looking for. They are in the closet. 1777 01:22:58,557 --> 01:23:00,183 Thank you. 1778 01:23:01,268 --> 01:23:02,310 Bye, George. 1779 01:23:04,062 --> 01:23:06,397 George! Is it true? 1780 01:23:07,191 --> 01:23:08,524 It's true. Yes! 1781 01:23:08,609 --> 01:23:10,276 It's all right. All right, go ahead. Yeah! 1782 01:23:10,360 --> 01:23:11,319 All right. 1783 01:23:11,403 --> 01:23:14,405 (LAUGHING) Oh, God! Yeah! 1784 01:23:14,489 --> 01:23:15,615 All right, baby. 1785 01:23:15,699 --> 01:23:18,951 All right, all right. Now what the fuck do we do? 1786 01:23:21,079 --> 01:23:23,206 Hey, congratulations, George. That's awesome, man. 1787 01:23:23,290 --> 01:23:24,999 Thank you. You got cured of AIDS. 1788 01:23:25,083 --> 01:23:26,334 (LAUGHS) I didn't have AIDS. 1789 01:23:26,418 --> 01:23:27,543 Hey, let me get you a cocktail. 1790 01:23:27,628 --> 01:23:29,170 Hey, not an AIDS cocktail. A regular. 1791 01:23:29,254 --> 01:23:30,796 No, I don't want a drink. I'm good. 1792 01:23:30,881 --> 01:23:33,507 I'm gonna get one of them ribbons. 1793 01:23:34,051 --> 01:23:35,384 You're alive? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1794 01:23:35,469 --> 01:23:36,928 Unbelievable! This guy. This guy, man. 1795 01:23:38,597 --> 01:23:42,558 You got the women, you got the fame, and you can't fucking die! 1796 01:23:42,643 --> 01:23:44,852 Did you suck the devil's dick? What is it, man? 1797 01:23:44,937 --> 01:23:46,020 I wanna know the secret. 1798 01:23:46,104 --> 01:23:47,855 I actually told a bunch of people we did have sex, 1799 01:23:47,940 --> 01:23:49,357 so if you could go along with that. 1800 01:23:49,441 --> 01:23:50,608 You did? Yes. 1801 01:23:50,692 --> 01:23:54,946 Everybody wants to fuck me, but it's better that I don't 1802 01:23:55,030 --> 01:23:56,405 because you don't want... 1803 01:23:56,490 --> 01:23:58,699 The mystery is definitely more flattering... 1804 01:23:58,784 --> 01:23:59,742 Yeah? 1805 01:23:59,826 --> 01:24:02,578 ...and the reality is so, like, flobbety. 1806 01:24:02,663 --> 01:24:04,413 Like not the word, but... Floppety? Yeah, lippety. 1807 01:24:04,790 --> 01:24:06,707 Yeah, I look like this. Like a sandwich. 1808 01:24:06,792 --> 01:24:08,584 Like a... There's, like, meat coming. 1809 01:24:08,669 --> 01:24:09,710 (CHUCKLING) 1810 01:24:09,795 --> 01:24:11,879 That would have been... I could get... 1811 01:24:11,964 --> 01:24:13,631 (EXCLAIMING) Look at that! 1812 01:24:14,258 --> 01:24:15,967 "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" 1813 01:24:16,051 --> 01:24:19,887 Shit! Shit! I didn't know you had energy like that. Jesus... 1814 01:24:20,472 --> 01:24:23,015 How did he... Like, how did he know he had it? 1815 01:24:23,725 --> 01:24:27,895 He was saying... He said that he was, like, dizzy and tired and he went to the doctor, 1816 01:24:27,980 --> 01:24:30,940 and then he just got... It was in his blood work. 1817 01:24:31,024 --> 01:24:33,401 That sucks 'cause I get dizzy and tired. 1818 01:24:33,485 --> 01:24:34,485 Really? 1819 01:24:35,320 --> 01:24:37,905 Anybody... Anybody gets sick, I think I'm going to get it. 1820 01:24:37,990 --> 01:24:40,116 Now, is it contagious? It's not contagious? 1821 01:24:40,200 --> 01:24:41,242 No. Can you get it, like... 1822 01:24:41,326 --> 01:24:44,662 I hope not. I don't think so. I've been around him a lot. I feel... 1823 01:24:44,746 --> 01:24:46,205 I feel... I hope not, too, because 1824 01:24:46,290 --> 01:24:48,833 when you were talking, a little bit of your spit hit my lip, so... 1825 01:24:48,959 --> 01:24:50,334 It did? Yeah. Not that you got it, 1826 01:24:50,419 --> 01:24:52,378 but he spits on your lip, you spit on mine, next thing you know 1827 01:24:52,462 --> 01:24:54,839 I'm dead and my wife's fucking George Lopez. 1828 01:24:55,173 --> 01:24:56,757 But I think the best thing for you would be, you know... 1829 01:24:56,842 --> 01:24:58,551 The best cure, besides the real cure, 1830 01:24:58,635 --> 01:25:02,388 is to get back to work and do what you do. 1831 01:25:02,764 --> 01:25:04,765 There are stacks of offers on my desk for you. 1832 01:25:04,850 --> 01:25:07,768 I mean, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an offer for you. 1833 01:25:07,853 --> 01:25:09,353 Oh, good. Yeah, you ready for this? 1834 01:25:09,438 --> 01:25:11,480 Paul Rudd wants to do a bromance with you. 1835 01:25:11,690 --> 01:25:14,692 I think I might... I just might even not work for a little while. 1836 01:25:14,776 --> 01:25:16,318 I was thinking maybe just, like, taking time off, 1837 01:25:16,403 --> 01:25:20,072 try to get myself in a relationship with, like, 1838 01:25:20,157 --> 01:25:21,949 another human being, a normal one. 1839 01:25:22,034 --> 01:25:23,117 Just see if I can handle that. 1840 01:25:23,201 --> 01:25:25,870 Funny you should say that. I've... 'Cause I invited someone. 1841 01:25:25,954 --> 01:25:28,414 Brought... Invited this woman here today that I think you'd really like. 1842 01:25:28,498 --> 01:25:29,540 I think you'd really hit it off with her. 1843 01:25:29,624 --> 01:25:32,043 She's... She's great. She's something new for you. 1844 01:25:32,127 --> 01:25:34,378 A real person. She's not a waitress. 1845 01:25:34,463 --> 01:25:35,671 She's not an actress. 1846 01:25:35,756 --> 01:25:36,756 All right, thanks. 1847 01:25:37,215 --> 01:25:41,135 You know, the Internet dating thing actually... Actually kind of works. 1848 01:25:41,470 --> 01:25:42,470 That's good. 1849 01:25:42,554 --> 01:25:43,971 I've actually been on a couple of JDates. 1850 01:25:44,056 --> 01:25:45,056 No way. What's that? 1851 01:25:45,140 --> 01:25:46,474 Yeah... What's a JDate? 1852 01:25:46,558 --> 01:25:48,559 What, is that an Internet thing I should know about? 1853 01:25:48,643 --> 01:25:50,227 I'm not... I don't do that shit. 1854 01:25:50,312 --> 01:25:53,397 It's a website where Jewish people can find each other. 1855 01:25:53,523 --> 01:25:55,775 Really? A whole list of Jewish people? Yeah. 1856 01:25:55,859 --> 01:25:59,111 I didn't think Jewish people liked to be on lists. 1857 01:26:00,655 --> 01:26:02,656 Because of the Holocaust. 1858 01:26:04,326 --> 01:26:05,910 Wow. 1859 01:26:05,994 --> 01:26:07,286 How's this going, by the way? 1860 01:26:08,538 --> 01:26:10,664 It's been great to meet you. 1861 01:26:12,292 --> 01:26:15,127 You know what? I think you fucked up. 1862 01:26:16,671 --> 01:26:17,671 How's that? 1863 01:26:17,756 --> 01:26:19,590 I think you fucked up. I think... 1864 01:26:19,674 --> 01:26:20,716 (SIGHS) 1865 01:26:20,801 --> 01:26:22,676 I don't think you should have took that medicine. 1866 01:26:22,761 --> 01:26:24,011 Why not? 1867 01:26:25,347 --> 01:26:28,349 I don't know. Personally, I think you should have just let yourself die. 1868 01:26:28,433 --> 01:26:30,142 Honestly, man, what are... What are you gonna do now? 1869 01:26:30,227 --> 01:26:32,353 Make another bullshit movie? 1870 01:26:32,437 --> 01:26:34,647 Fuck another chick who doesn't like you? 1871 01:26:34,731 --> 01:26:36,816 You know? That was your way out right there. 1872 01:26:36,942 --> 01:26:38,484 Hmm. Now you're fucking stuck. 1873 01:26:38,568 --> 01:26:39,610 Yeah. 1874 01:26:39,694 --> 01:26:41,362 You're stuck just like me. 1875 01:26:41,446 --> 01:26:42,947 Can't go to fucking Chuck E. Cheese. 1876 01:26:43,031 --> 01:26:45,574 I can't go to Target, I can't go to Best Buy. 1877 01:26:45,700 --> 01:26:47,409 I can't go to fucking Wal-Mart, Kmart. 1878 01:26:47,494 --> 01:26:49,203 You fucking name it, I can't go there. 1879 01:26:49,287 --> 01:26:50,287 Yeah, that's true. 1880 01:26:50,372 --> 01:26:52,540 Everyone in this fucking room is either staring at us, 1881 01:26:52,666 --> 01:26:54,208 wanting to take a fucking picture. Mmm-hmm. 1882 01:26:54,751 --> 01:26:56,043 Yeah. Got it. 1883 01:26:56,128 --> 01:26:57,169 E-mail that to me. 1884 01:26:57,212 --> 01:26:59,338 I will. That's awesome. Yeah. 1885 01:26:59,422 --> 01:27:03,342 Who the fuck is that guy right there? That fucking guy right there. 1886 01:27:03,510 --> 01:27:05,678 What? Ray Romano's bothering you? 1887 01:27:05,762 --> 01:27:07,054 Who? Ray, Ray who? 1888 01:27:07,139 --> 01:27:09,640 Ray Romano, the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond. 1889 01:27:09,724 --> 01:27:10,808 I don't give a fuck what show he's on. 1890 01:27:10,892 --> 01:27:12,768 I'll fuck this motherfucker up, man! 1891 01:27:12,853 --> 01:27:14,979 Hey. Hey, Ray! 1892 01:27:15,063 --> 01:27:16,063 Hello, Marshall. 1893 01:27:16,148 --> 01:27:17,565 Fucking problem here, buddy? 1894 01:27:18,483 --> 01:27:21,527 Would you like to fuck me? Is that what this is? 1895 01:27:21,611 --> 01:27:22,695 I don't get it, man. What's going on? 1896 01:27:22,779 --> 01:27:25,906 Would you like me to fucking bend over for you right now? 1897 01:27:25,991 --> 01:27:27,616 (WHISPERING) Say no. No, man. 1898 01:27:27,909 --> 01:27:29,118 (EXHALES) 1899 01:27:29,202 --> 01:27:30,703 I just gotta always be on my toes, man. 1900 01:27:30,787 --> 01:27:31,787 You know? 1901 01:27:31,872 --> 01:27:33,247 (SCOFFS) I see that, but not with Ray Romano. 1902 01:27:33,331 --> 01:27:34,999 This is why I don't go out of the house. 1903 01:27:35,083 --> 01:27:37,376 I thought everybody loved you. 1904 01:27:38,753 --> 01:27:43,507 So, now that you got this, this second chance, man, like, what do you want? 1905 01:27:43,592 --> 01:27:45,426 I kind of don't want anything. 1906 01:27:46,595 --> 01:27:48,429 So, then what are we celebrating? 1907 01:28:00,942 --> 01:28:01,942 Clarke? 1908 01:28:02,027 --> 01:28:03,027 (IMITATING PIRATE) Yes, it's Clarke. 1909 01:28:03,111 --> 01:28:06,530 It's Clarke and I... I'm calling to check on you, matey. 1910 01:28:06,615 --> 01:28:07,656 (LAUGHING) 1911 01:28:07,741 --> 01:28:08,949 Yeah. 1912 01:28:09,034 --> 01:28:13,913 I'm back from the sea. It's fun to play with my didjeridu! 1913 01:28:13,997 --> 01:28:16,373 (IMITATING PIRATE) You sound a little bit like a pirate. 1914 01:28:16,458 --> 01:28:19,960 Do I sound Australian? Is this what Clarke sounds like? 1915 01:28:20,045 --> 01:28:22,504 That's a terrible Australian accent. 1916 01:28:22,589 --> 01:28:23,589 What are you doing, Laura? 1917 01:28:23,673 --> 01:28:25,174 Am I bothering you? Is he there? No, no, no, no, no. 1918 01:28:25,258 --> 01:28:27,009 Am I supposed to hang up? What's going on? 1919 01:28:27,177 --> 01:28:29,386 Clarke's away for business in China. 1920 01:28:29,471 --> 01:28:32,181 Ah! Sent him out for egg rolls again? 1921 01:28:32,265 --> 01:28:34,767 Are you guys all right? What's going on? 1922 01:28:35,143 --> 01:28:37,061 Mable has her recital tomorrow. 1923 01:28:37,145 --> 01:28:38,562 She's singing Memory from Cats. 1924 01:28:38,647 --> 01:28:39,647 Oh, yeah? 1925 01:28:39,731 --> 01:28:40,940 You know that song, Memory? 1926 01:28:41,024 --> 01:28:42,900 Yeah. I wish I could be there to see that. 1927 01:28:42,984 --> 01:28:43,943 You can come. 1928 01:28:44,027 --> 01:28:46,028 I can come? All right, I'm coming. 1929 01:28:46,112 --> 01:28:47,238 Your daughter will be all right with that? 1930 01:28:47,322 --> 01:28:49,490 That I'm sitting right next to you holding you tight? 1931 01:28:49,574 --> 01:28:52,201 Stop. How are you feeling? 1932 01:28:52,285 --> 01:28:54,161 I'm doing good. I'm doing... 1933 01:28:54,246 --> 01:28:56,080 It is what it is. I... 1934 01:28:56,164 --> 01:28:57,748 So, what happened with your tests? 1935 01:28:58,333 --> 01:29:00,542 Laura, let's not talk about all that. 1936 01:29:00,627 --> 01:29:01,794 What did the doctor say? 1937 01:29:02,337 --> 01:29:06,507 The Swedish Nazi? He never has good news. 1938 01:29:06,591 --> 01:29:09,343 It is what it is. I don't want to talk about it. 1939 01:29:10,345 --> 01:29:12,721 Come on, let's just talk about you. 1940 01:29:12,806 --> 01:29:15,224 What are you doing, Laura? 1941 01:29:15,308 --> 01:29:17,017 Do you want me to talk you to sleep? 1942 01:29:17,477 --> 01:29:19,478 Oh, my God. You remember. 1943 01:29:21,022 --> 01:29:22,314 You want me to do that for you? 1944 01:29:22,399 --> 01:29:23,899 You will talk to me while I try to go to sleep? 1945 01:29:23,984 --> 01:29:26,860 I'll put you on speakerphone. That will be the best night of my life. 1946 01:29:26,945 --> 01:29:30,281 Let's not go to sleep yet, though, please. Just talk to Laura. 1947 01:29:31,741 --> 01:29:32,783 IRA: Hello? 1948 01:29:32,867 --> 01:29:34,076 Hi, Ira. 1949 01:29:34,160 --> 01:29:35,202 Hey, how's it going? 1950 01:29:35,745 --> 01:29:37,371 Ira, you're my best friend. 1951 01:29:37,455 --> 01:29:39,081 (LAUGHS) I like you, too. 1952 01:29:39,165 --> 01:29:40,958 You're my best friend. 1953 01:29:41,042 --> 01:29:42,793 You sound like you're in a good mood, man. 1954 01:29:42,877 --> 01:29:45,379 (IMITATING PIRATE) I'm in a great mood because we're setting sail today. 1955 01:29:45,463 --> 01:29:46,964 We're gonna do a gig together! 1956 01:29:47,048 --> 01:29:49,925 Ira and Georgie, finally on the road! 1957 01:29:50,010 --> 01:29:53,595 Oh, we're setting sail, are we? Where, where are we going? 1958 01:29:53,680 --> 01:29:58,100 We're going to the Port of San Francisco. We set sail on the morrow. 1959 01:29:58,184 --> 01:29:59,560 How much time am I supposed to do? 1960 01:29:59,644 --> 01:30:04,148 Oh, they've booked you to do a minute for every inch of cock you have. 1961 01:30:04,232 --> 01:30:06,817 You'll be doing two and a half to four minutes, 1962 01:30:06,901 --> 01:30:09,486 depending on your mood, little Ira. 1963 01:30:09,946 --> 01:30:14,616 I was invited to a... Or I was able to go to a fundraiser 1964 01:30:14,701 --> 01:30:17,244 for Barack Obama, when he was running for president. 1965 01:30:17,829 --> 01:30:22,249 And you could walk right up to him and I did. 1966 01:30:22,334 --> 01:30:26,253 And I prepared a smart question and I was like, 1967 01:30:26,338 --> 01:30:32,926 "Senator Obama, when you were a student in Boston, did you encounter any racism?" 1968 01:30:33,011 --> 01:30:39,016 And he said something really, really interesting. He said... 1969 01:30:40,101 --> 01:30:42,227 He said, "I'm Kanye West." 1970 01:30:42,354 --> 01:30:44,646 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1971 01:30:48,026 --> 01:30:50,110 George, you have a visitor. 1972 01:30:50,195 --> 01:30:51,362 GEORGE: Oh. 1973 01:30:52,072 --> 01:30:53,989 Hi. Whoa! 1974 01:30:54,074 --> 01:30:55,115 LAURA: Hello. Wow. 1975 01:30:55,200 --> 01:30:56,617 Hey, hi! Hey! 1976 01:30:56,701 --> 01:30:58,118 All right. How are you? 1977 01:30:58,203 --> 01:30:59,161 LAURA: I'm good. 1978 01:30:59,245 --> 01:31:01,080 I'm so psyched you came. 1979 01:31:01,206 --> 01:31:03,123 Wow, you look amazing! Thank you. 1980 01:31:03,208 --> 01:31:04,958 Beautiful. I think I overdressed. 1981 01:31:05,043 --> 01:31:06,335 No way. You look incredible. 1982 01:31:06,419 --> 01:31:07,461 I just... 1983 01:31:07,545 --> 01:31:10,297 Where... Where is he? Where is the Clarke? 1984 01:31:10,382 --> 01:31:14,468 The Clarke? He's out of town. I was gonna bring my friend Betsy with me, 1985 01:31:14,552 --> 01:31:16,678 but her son started throwing up, so... 1986 01:31:16,763 --> 01:31:19,431 The husband's out of town, baby's vomiting. Rock 'n' roll. 1987 01:31:19,599 --> 01:31:23,102 (LAUGHING) I like it. Yeah. Yeah. 1988 01:31:23,186 --> 01:31:24,520 Anyway, I don't want to keep you 1989 01:31:24,604 --> 01:31:25,646 or get in the way. 1990 01:31:25,730 --> 01:31:27,314 No, don't run away. Come on, Ira, say hello. 1991 01:31:27,399 --> 01:31:28,357 Hey, Ira. 1992 01:31:28,441 --> 01:31:29,483 Hey, how's it going? 1993 01:31:29,567 --> 01:31:32,194 So, I'll let you go. I just wanted to say hi. 1994 01:31:32,278 --> 01:31:34,113 No cursing. Don't curse so much. 1995 01:31:34,197 --> 01:31:36,323 Okay, all right! Nothing dirty. I don't know how. 1996 01:31:36,408 --> 01:31:39,451 You just cut my set in half, but that's fine. All right, see you, kid. 1997 01:31:39,536 --> 01:31:40,494 Okay, good luck. 1998 01:31:40,578 --> 01:31:42,246 Thanks for coming. 1999 01:31:44,290 --> 01:31:47,584 You gotta tell her I'm better at intermission, all right? 2000 01:31:47,669 --> 01:31:49,169 You haven't told her that you're better? 2001 01:31:49,254 --> 01:31:51,004 No, I'm not good at stuff like that. 2002 01:31:51,089 --> 01:31:53,173 Just... She'll be cool with it. She'll be... 2003 01:31:53,258 --> 01:31:56,427 You're giving her good news, she'll be happy. 2004 01:31:56,511 --> 01:31:57,845 We're gonna go by her house tomorrow, too. 2005 01:31:57,929 --> 01:31:58,929 (SIGHS) 2006 01:31:59,013 --> 01:32:01,056 Yeah, we're just visiting her. I just want to say hi, 2007 01:32:01,141 --> 01:32:03,100 see how she's doing, where she lives, that kind of thing. 2008 01:32:03,393 --> 01:32:05,894 Why did you guys break up in the first place? 2009 01:32:06,604 --> 01:32:07,980 I cheated on her. 2010 01:32:08,064 --> 01:32:09,898 Why would you cheat on her? 2011 01:32:09,983 --> 01:32:14,278 It's easy not to cheat when no one wants to fuck you, you judgmental prick. 2012 01:32:14,362 --> 01:32:15,446 Okay. 2013 01:32:15,613 --> 01:32:20,868 I have a theory that Tom Cruise, David Beckham and Will Smith 2014 01:32:20,952 --> 01:32:22,995 have mooshed the heads of their penises together. 2015 01:32:23,079 --> 01:32:24,830 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 2016 01:32:25,290 --> 01:32:26,540 I think that this has happened. 2017 01:32:26,624 --> 01:32:28,250 I don't think it happened in a gay way. 2018 01:32:28,334 --> 01:32:29,710 I think it just happened out of boredom. 2019 01:32:29,794 --> 01:32:31,753 I think just rich-dude boredom. 2020 01:32:31,838 --> 01:32:35,299 Just like, "What have we not done, guys? We've done everything!" 2021 01:32:35,425 --> 01:32:37,885 "I'll tell you one thing we haven't done." 2022 01:32:37,969 --> 01:32:41,472 And I bet when it happened, it was an epic occurrence. It was huge. 2023 01:32:41,556 --> 01:32:42,681 I think of it all the time. 2024 01:32:42,765 --> 01:32:45,058 I think first, you know, David and Tom touched dick heads. 2025 01:32:45,143 --> 01:32:49,354 And it was easy, just zoonk. Because there was a magnetic field to it. 2026 01:32:49,522 --> 01:32:51,315 And then Will Smith started approaching with his dick 2027 01:32:51,399 --> 01:32:53,275 and, like, wind started blowing in his face, 2028 01:32:53,359 --> 01:32:58,155 and paper started flying everywhere and he just couldn't do it. 2029 01:32:58,239 --> 01:32:59,865 And they're like, "Come on, Will, get it in there!" 2030 01:32:59,949 --> 01:33:01,325 "I can't do it!" 2031 01:33:01,409 --> 01:33:02,409 Beckham yells, 2032 01:33:02,494 --> 01:33:05,537 (IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Don't cross the streams! It's like Ghost Busters!" 2033 01:33:05,788 --> 01:33:08,123 And then he does it and Flash by Queen starts playing. 2034 01:33:08,208 --> 01:33:09,625 It's just, Flash! Ahhh! 2035 01:33:10,001 --> 01:33:14,505 Light shoots into the sky! That's how stars are born, I think. 2036 01:33:15,507 --> 01:33:19,259 Anyway, I'm Ira Wright. Have a good night. Thank you, all, very much. 2037 01:33:26,226 --> 01:33:27,559 IRA: Hey. How's it going? 2038 01:33:27,644 --> 01:33:28,936 That was so good! 2039 01:33:29,646 --> 01:33:31,271 You seem so surprised. 2040 01:33:31,356 --> 01:33:32,564 Well, you looked so nervous before. 2041 01:33:32,649 --> 01:33:33,774 I was, actually. 2042 01:33:33,858 --> 01:33:34,942 That was good. That was really good. 2043 01:33:35,026 --> 01:33:36,485 Thank you. I appreciate that. 2044 01:33:36,569 --> 01:33:40,030 And the ball cleavage thing, that was hilarious. 2045 01:33:40,114 --> 01:33:43,575 Classic stuff. Thank you. Glad you're having fun. 2046 01:33:46,037 --> 01:33:47,996 George says that he's known you for a while. How did... 2047 01:33:48,081 --> 01:33:49,957 Yeah. How did you guys first hook up? 2048 01:33:50,041 --> 01:33:52,543 I was the hat-check girl at the improv and I was an actress. 2049 01:33:52,835 --> 01:33:53,961 So, you kind of... Yeah, yeah. 2050 01:33:54,045 --> 01:33:57,172 That's good. What, were you in anything I might've seen? 2051 01:33:57,257 --> 01:34:02,010 I did those, like, Melrose Place and 90210. 2052 01:34:02,095 --> 01:34:03,095 Awesome. 2053 01:34:03,179 --> 01:34:04,263 I always played the bitch. 2054 01:34:04,347 --> 01:34:05,514 I wasn't that good, actually. 2055 01:34:05,598 --> 01:34:06,932 No, you must be a great actress, 2056 01:34:07,016 --> 01:34:08,600 'cause you're not at all bitchy, so... 2057 01:34:08,685 --> 01:34:09,768 (LAUGHS) 2058 01:34:09,852 --> 01:34:10,936 Thanks, Ira. 2059 01:34:11,020 --> 01:34:15,816 Okay, look, I'm not... Honestly, I'm not supposed to be telling you 2060 01:34:15,900 --> 01:34:18,652 what I'm about to tell you because George... He doesn't want to jinx it. 2061 01:34:18,736 --> 01:34:23,031 It's not 100%, but the last time that he went to the doctor, 2062 01:34:23,116 --> 01:34:27,160 they couldn't find any trace of the disease in his blood work anymore, 2063 01:34:27,245 --> 01:34:29,830 so it seems like he might be better. 2064 01:34:29,914 --> 01:34:30,914 What are you talking about? 2065 01:34:30,999 --> 01:34:32,249 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen... 2066 01:34:32,333 --> 01:34:33,667 We think he might be okay. 2067 01:34:33,751 --> 01:34:35,877 ...George Simmons! 2068 01:34:35,962 --> 01:34:37,713 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 2069 01:34:47,098 --> 01:34:48,432 Thank you. 2070 01:34:48,516 --> 01:34:52,144 Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. 2071 01:34:54,272 --> 01:34:56,106 It's great to be here. 2072 01:34:57,400 --> 01:35:00,277 It's great. It's great to be alive! 2073 01:35:01,821 --> 01:35:04,781 Yeah, man. Thank you. Right on. Okay. 2074 01:35:04,866 --> 01:35:05,991 MAN: Thank you for coming, George! 2075 01:35:06,075 --> 01:35:07,117 Thank you. All right. 2076 01:35:07,201 --> 01:35:09,911 That's very nice. Man, oh, man. 2077 01:35:10,622 --> 01:35:13,915 Any other 40-year-olds out there tonight? In their 40s? 2078 01:35:14,000 --> 01:35:15,292 It's funny. In your 20s you're like, 2079 01:35:15,376 --> 01:35:17,502 "Fuck you, man. Fuck that shit. 2080 01:35:17,587 --> 01:35:20,047 "Fuck my parents. I don't need none of that shit." 2081 01:35:20,131 --> 01:35:21,840 In your 30s you're like, "Fuck the President. 2082 01:35:21,924 --> 01:35:24,259 "Fuck that guy, that fucking asshole." 2083 01:35:24,344 --> 01:35:26,595 In your 40s you're like, "I'm hungry. 2084 01:35:26,679 --> 01:35:27,888 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 2085 01:35:27,972 --> 01:35:30,015 "What do we have in the fridge?" 2086 01:35:33,061 --> 01:35:37,272 So, yeah, I'm fucking famous and rich, and it's crazy. 2087 01:35:38,232 --> 01:35:40,525 It's... You know why? 'Cause I hate rich people. 2088 01:35:40,610 --> 01:35:42,152 Fucking I'm rich and I hate rich people. 2089 01:35:42,236 --> 01:35:44,404 I hate everything I fucking do now. 2090 01:35:44,489 --> 01:35:45,614 I go to Hawaii, I'm like, 2091 01:35:45,698 --> 01:35:49,993 "You fucking snotty cocksucker, going to Hawaii." 2092 01:35:50,578 --> 01:35:54,539 Buy a new car, "La-di-da, look who's got a new car." 2093 01:35:55,166 --> 01:35:58,585 You know, I thought about giving all my money, just giving it away, 2094 01:35:58,670 --> 01:36:02,005 but then I was like, "What a rich-guy thing to do. 2095 01:36:04,175 --> 01:36:05,842 "Mr. Charitable." 2096 01:36:05,927 --> 01:36:07,135 (ALL LAUGHING) 2097 01:36:07,220 --> 01:36:09,638 Well, why didn't you tell me? I was just here. 2098 01:36:09,722 --> 01:36:12,349 Laura, if I told you, you might not have talked to me anymore, so I... 2099 01:36:12,433 --> 01:36:14,184 What are you talking about? That's ridiculous. 2100 01:36:14,268 --> 01:36:16,144 I knew you forgave me because I was sick 2101 01:36:16,229 --> 01:36:18,021 and there was no other way you would forgive me. 2102 01:36:18,106 --> 01:36:19,439 I know, but it's different now. 2103 01:36:19,524 --> 01:36:21,775 We've been talking... What are you... No! 2104 01:36:21,859 --> 01:36:22,859 Really? 2105 01:36:22,944 --> 01:36:25,112 This is... So, what are you... So, did the... 2106 01:36:25,488 --> 01:36:27,447 The doctor said I'm good. I'm better for now. 2107 01:36:27,532 --> 01:36:28,907 I don't know what the hell's gonna happen, 2108 01:36:28,991 --> 01:36:31,159 but for now the guy said I'm good. 2109 01:36:32,537 --> 01:36:33,745 (SIGHS) 2110 01:36:34,205 --> 01:36:35,789 I'm so happy. 2111 01:36:35,873 --> 01:36:37,124 You are happy? 2112 01:36:38,167 --> 01:36:40,502 Mmm-hmm. God, thank you. Thank you. 2113 01:36:51,180 --> 01:36:53,265 All right. Yeah. 2114 01:36:54,517 --> 01:36:55,767 (SIGHS) 2115 01:36:58,646 --> 01:36:59,813 You okay, man? 2116 01:36:59,897 --> 01:37:01,356 Yeah, yeah, I'm good. 2117 01:37:01,649 --> 01:37:02,691 (EXHALES) 2118 01:37:02,775 --> 01:37:03,775 I hope they got some food. 2119 01:37:04,026 --> 01:37:05,610 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 2120 01:37:06,195 --> 01:37:07,279 Hey, hey. 2121 01:37:07,363 --> 01:37:09,072 Hi! Hi. 2122 01:37:09,157 --> 01:37:12,534 I'm so glad you guys came. Hello. Hi. 2123 01:37:12,618 --> 01:37:14,202 Good to see you. Wow. Hi. How's it going? 2124 01:37:14,287 --> 01:37:15,287 Hello, Ira. 2125 01:37:15,371 --> 01:37:17,789 Oh! Thank you. 2126 01:37:18,958 --> 01:37:20,959 Jeez. Beautiful house! 2127 01:37:21,043 --> 01:37:22,043 Thank you. 2128 01:37:22,128 --> 01:37:24,212 How long have you guys been here? 2129 01:37:24,297 --> 01:37:26,423 We've been here about five years now. 2130 01:37:26,507 --> 01:37:27,549 (SNARLS) 2131 01:37:27,633 --> 01:37:28,592 What's up? 2132 01:37:28,676 --> 01:37:31,595 This is my friend, George. And this is Ira. 2133 01:37:31,679 --> 01:37:32,888 This is Ingrid. 2134 01:37:32,972 --> 01:37:36,266 Wow! George didn't mention you had a daughter. 2135 01:37:37,101 --> 01:37:38,518 GEORGE: Have you seen any of my movies? 2136 01:37:38,603 --> 01:37:41,146 I saw the movie where you had a baby body. 2137 01:37:41,230 --> 01:37:44,316 So, you saw Re-Do. Can you do the face? 2138 01:37:45,735 --> 01:37:48,111 (BOTH BABBLING) 2139 01:37:52,617 --> 01:37:54,493 GEORGE: Hey, that's a good impression. 2140 01:37:54,827 --> 01:37:56,495 Don't leave me in the playroom! 2141 01:37:56,579 --> 01:37:58,997 This is my daughter, Mable. She just got braces. 2142 01:37:59,123 --> 01:38:00,373 Oh, yeah? Let me see them. 2143 01:38:00,833 --> 01:38:04,169 You mind if I eat a little bit of that sandwich right there? 2144 01:38:05,838 --> 01:38:07,589 Ira? I'm... I'm full. 2145 01:38:07,673 --> 01:38:09,591 Do you guys want to play the peanut-butter game? 2146 01:38:09,675 --> 01:38:11,802 It's fun. You want to play? 2147 01:38:11,886 --> 01:38:13,303 Let's do it! Ira? 2148 01:38:13,387 --> 01:38:14,596 Yeah, I like peanut butter, yeah. 2149 01:38:14,680 --> 01:38:15,806 Let's do the peanut-butter game! 2150 01:38:15,890 --> 01:38:17,057 All right! Hooray! 2151 01:38:17,141 --> 01:38:20,227 Peanut-butter game! Peanut-butter game! 2152 01:38:20,394 --> 01:38:21,478 Okay, just put a little bit. 2153 01:38:21,604 --> 01:38:22,646 MABLE: Okay. GEORGE: What's she doing? 2154 01:38:22,730 --> 01:38:23,730 A little bit. 2155 01:38:23,815 --> 01:38:25,065 (LAUGHING) 2156 01:38:25,149 --> 01:38:26,650 Okay, okay. I think that's good. 2157 01:38:26,734 --> 01:38:29,569 This is what you guys do in your free time? Okay. 2158 01:38:29,695 --> 01:38:31,071 MABLE: There he is! GEORGE: Oh, boy. 2159 01:38:31,155 --> 01:38:32,113 LAURA: Come on. 2160 01:38:32,198 --> 01:38:33,448 (LAUGHING) 2161 01:38:33,533 --> 01:38:35,283 GEORGE: He got her. He got her. 2162 01:38:35,368 --> 01:38:36,952 (EXCLAIMING) 2163 01:38:38,329 --> 01:38:40,622 Oh, so, you're supposed to do it on the ears. 2164 01:38:40,706 --> 01:38:42,541 LAURA: George's turn! Yeah! George's turn! 2165 01:38:42,625 --> 01:38:43,834 No. I don't want to do that. 2166 01:38:43,918 --> 01:38:45,460 LAURA: Yeah, George's turn! No, Ira will go. Let Ira go. 2167 01:38:45,545 --> 01:38:46,962 No, no, George. 2168 01:38:47,046 --> 01:38:48,421 Come on. Okay, all right! 2169 01:38:49,006 --> 01:38:50,882 I just washed my hair this morning. 2170 01:38:50,967 --> 01:38:52,676 BOTH: George! George! George! George! 2171 01:38:53,636 --> 01:38:54,803 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 2172 01:38:54,887 --> 01:38:57,055 Oh, God! 2173 01:38:59,100 --> 01:39:00,141 No! 2174 01:39:00,226 --> 01:39:01,226 Just not the... 2175 01:39:01,310 --> 01:39:02,310 Look at this. 2176 01:39:02,395 --> 01:39:03,854 GEORGE: That's not the game! 2177 01:39:03,938 --> 01:39:05,772 (ALL CHEERING) 2178 01:39:09,819 --> 01:39:13,446 And we have a pond with a Buddha and... 2179 01:39:13,531 --> 01:39:14,489 Wow! 2180 01:39:14,574 --> 01:39:16,241 (BOTH EXCLAIMING) 2181 01:39:18,494 --> 01:39:19,870 Does that hurt? 2182 01:39:19,954 --> 01:39:22,789 So, what... Who is a good... You're a good guy, you're a bad guy? 2183 01:39:22,874 --> 01:39:24,708 (EXCLAIMING) 2184 01:39:43,895 --> 01:39:47,564 Now I go. 2185 01:39:47,648 --> 01:39:49,065 And now I go. 2186 01:39:49,150 --> 01:39:51,318 You can't move. You're stuck. 2187 01:39:51,402 --> 01:39:52,402 Ira. IRA: Hey. 2188 01:39:52,486 --> 01:39:55,238 Hey, Laura asked if we want to eat dinner here tonight. 2189 01:39:55,948 --> 01:39:59,034 Oh. Thank you. What... We... 2190 01:39:59,118 --> 01:40:00,285 It's like an eight-hour drive back. 2191 01:40:00,369 --> 01:40:03,038 We won't get home till like 5:00 in the morning that way. 2192 01:40:03,122 --> 01:40:04,164 GEORGE: We'll figure something out. 2193 01:40:04,248 --> 01:40:07,959 So, we're gonna go to the grocery store and get some food so I can cook. 2194 01:40:08,044 --> 01:40:09,920 Home-cooked meal. Perfect. 2195 01:40:10,004 --> 01:40:11,880 Okay. So, you're okay to watch the girls? 2196 01:40:11,964 --> 01:40:13,673 Yeah, definitely. I'm good with kids. 2197 01:40:13,758 --> 01:40:16,676 I was a... I was a Jewish summer camp counselor for five years. 2198 01:40:16,761 --> 01:40:18,136 (SPEAKING HEBREW) 2199 01:40:18,220 --> 01:40:20,639 But I'm good with non-Jewish kids, too. 2200 01:40:20,723 --> 01:40:23,058 Okay, so we'll be right back. It's around the corner. 2201 01:40:23,142 --> 01:40:24,476 GEORGE: Very good. 2202 01:40:32,276 --> 01:40:35,153 Should I have worn my jogging shoes? Where are we going? 2203 01:40:47,333 --> 01:40:49,209 You sure? You sure you want to do this? 2204 01:40:49,293 --> 01:40:50,293 Mmm-hmm. 2205 01:40:50,378 --> 01:40:52,253 Wherever my husband is, he's probably doing the same thing. 2206 01:40:52,338 --> 01:40:53,338 Mmm-hmm. 2207 01:40:53,422 --> 01:40:54,506 Okay. 2208 01:40:56,175 --> 01:40:57,175 Jesus. 2209 01:40:57,843 --> 01:40:59,094 (SIGHS) 2210 01:41:00,471 --> 01:41:02,055 Echo, echo, echo. 2211 01:41:02,139 --> 01:41:03,473 (LAUGHING) 2212 01:41:06,936 --> 01:41:08,061 You know, when I broke up with you, 2213 01:41:08,145 --> 01:41:12,065 I tried to find somebody who was the exact opposite of you. 2214 01:41:14,694 --> 01:41:17,195 But Clarke is exactly like you. 2215 01:41:18,656 --> 01:41:22,075 It's like I'm programmed to find the same person, 2216 01:41:23,077 --> 01:41:26,538 like there's some lesson I'm supposed to learn from it all. 2217 01:41:28,124 --> 01:41:30,625 How many times did you cheat on me? 2218 01:41:31,252 --> 01:41:34,254 I don't want to paint a picture. 2219 01:41:34,338 --> 01:41:38,508 I was young and stupid, but I changed, I swear to God. 2220 01:41:39,719 --> 01:41:42,262 How exactly have you changed? 2221 01:41:42,388 --> 01:41:46,599 I got a peek at something most people only get to see once. 2222 01:41:48,728 --> 01:41:51,271 You know, I went to a psychic who told me that... 2223 01:41:51,355 --> 01:41:55,775 That you and I would get back together when we were 70. 2224 01:41:55,860 --> 01:41:58,278 And she also said not to eat any chicken. 2225 01:41:58,988 --> 01:42:00,488 Well, we couldn't wait. 2226 01:42:00,573 --> 01:42:01,740 Mmm-hmm. 2227 01:42:01,991 --> 01:42:05,243 You loved me before anybody loved me. 2228 01:42:05,327 --> 01:42:06,327 I know. 2229 01:42:12,043 --> 01:42:15,420 This is the only place that I ever wanted to be. 2230 01:42:16,380 --> 01:42:18,882 When is George gonna die? 2231 01:42:18,966 --> 01:42:21,009 George is gonna die? 2232 01:42:23,012 --> 01:42:25,180 No. Why would you guys say that? 2233 01:42:25,264 --> 01:42:28,475 I heard my mom talking to her friend on the phone, and she was crying. 2234 01:42:28,559 --> 01:42:30,351 I don't want George to die. 2235 01:42:30,436 --> 01:42:32,062 Why do you care? You just met him. 2236 01:42:32,146 --> 01:42:33,146 Shut up. 2237 01:42:33,272 --> 01:42:35,148 You shut up! Okay, okay, guys, guys, guys. 2238 01:42:35,232 --> 01:42:36,649 George is not gonna die. 2239 01:42:36,734 --> 01:42:40,570 George, he was sick, but he went to the doctor 2240 01:42:40,654 --> 01:42:42,197 and they gave him different types of medicine 2241 01:42:42,281 --> 01:42:43,782 until they found one that worked. 2242 01:42:43,866 --> 01:42:45,533 And now he's gonna be just fine. 2243 01:42:45,618 --> 01:42:47,619 He's gonna live a really, really long time. 2244 01:42:47,787 --> 01:42:49,829 I think my mommy loves him. 2245 01:42:50,956 --> 01:42:54,042 Well, you know, we all love him. 2246 01:42:54,126 --> 01:42:55,627 He's made a lot of great movies. 2247 01:42:55,711 --> 01:42:58,254 I think she loves him, like, loves him. 2248 01:42:58,339 --> 01:43:00,423 INGRID: Love. Love, love, love. 2249 01:43:00,508 --> 01:43:04,260 (SINGING) Love, love, love They're gonna have a baby 2250 01:43:04,470 --> 01:43:09,265 They're gonna have a baby Baby, marriage, love 2251 01:43:09,975 --> 01:43:12,769 They're gonna have a little MerMan baby. 2252 01:43:17,566 --> 01:43:21,236 You saved my acting reel? I was wondering where this was. 2253 01:43:21,320 --> 01:43:22,695 Why didn't you give this to me? 2254 01:43:22,780 --> 01:43:24,072 'Cause I was watching it. 2255 01:43:24,156 --> 01:43:26,908 You know, I always get the feeling that you think I'm stupid or something. 2256 01:43:26,992 --> 01:43:29,202 LAURA: Look at my hair! I look like a leprechaun. 2257 01:43:29,286 --> 01:43:30,411 No. 2258 01:43:30,496 --> 01:43:31,538 LAURA ON TV: I am stupid. 2259 01:43:31,622 --> 01:43:33,790 Ooh! Is my voice still that high? 2260 01:43:33,874 --> 01:43:37,168 No! No, no, no, no. No, but they need you back in Munchkinville. 2261 01:43:37,253 --> 01:43:38,920 (LAUGHS) They miss the mayor. 2262 01:43:39,004 --> 01:43:40,296 LAURA: Shut up! 2263 01:43:40,673 --> 01:43:43,049 That was the best time in my life. 2264 01:43:43,509 --> 01:43:46,136 I got something else for you. You might remember these. 2265 01:43:46,929 --> 01:43:49,097 (GASPS) Please tell me you do! 2266 01:43:49,974 --> 01:43:51,391 Are these my favorite buttjeans? 2267 01:43:51,475 --> 01:43:52,892 Yes. Yes. Yes. 2268 01:43:53,018 --> 01:43:53,977 Really? 2269 01:43:54,061 --> 01:43:55,019 Yeah, you can have them back. 2270 01:43:55,146 --> 01:43:56,437 I'm so excited! Yeah. 2271 01:43:56,522 --> 01:43:57,981 Do you think they still fit me? 2272 01:43:58,065 --> 01:43:59,107 I guarantee it. 2273 01:43:59,191 --> 01:44:00,275 I'm so happy! 2274 01:44:00,359 --> 01:44:02,944 I guarantee it. Get in those. 2275 01:44:03,070 --> 01:44:04,946 These used to kill me. Oh, my God, they're so faded. 2276 01:44:05,030 --> 01:44:06,531 Oh, shit! 2277 01:44:06,615 --> 01:44:07,615 They fit! 2278 01:44:07,700 --> 01:44:09,117 They look good! Really? 2279 01:44:09,201 --> 01:44:10,743 Yeah, that's the same ass! 2280 01:44:10,828 --> 01:44:14,914 Fucking ass is perfect. Minus that camel coming out the back. 2281 01:44:14,999 --> 01:44:17,125 (SINGING) Bump and groove it 2282 01:44:17,209 --> 01:44:20,003 To the left now To the right, y'all 2283 01:44:20,087 --> 01:44:21,087 Slap that shit! 2284 01:44:21,172 --> 01:44:23,047 (BEATBOXING) 2285 01:44:23,549 --> 01:44:25,717 Look at that! They're like Mom jeans. 2286 01:44:25,801 --> 01:44:29,345 Oh, yes. If Mom needed to get banged again. 2287 01:44:29,430 --> 01:44:30,430 Thank you. 2288 01:44:30,514 --> 01:44:31,890 Yeah, get over here. 2289 01:44:35,895 --> 01:44:38,438 Don't leave me. Don't leave me. 2290 01:44:43,986 --> 01:44:46,613 Oh! Hey, guys, what took you so long? 2291 01:44:46,697 --> 01:44:49,199 We were checking out the town, man. Beautiful! 2292 01:44:49,283 --> 01:44:50,450 Where are the groceries? 2293 01:44:50,534 --> 01:44:53,620 We decided that eating in might be more fun. 2294 01:44:54,246 --> 01:44:56,247 (SOFTLY) Oh, no, you didn't. 2295 01:44:56,332 --> 01:44:58,291 How could you do that, man? No. 2296 01:44:58,584 --> 01:45:00,501 I didn't do anything, Ira. 2297 01:45:00,586 --> 01:45:02,253 No, I know you did it. I know you did. 2298 01:45:02,338 --> 01:45:04,714 All that's missing is your Popsicle. Come on. 2299 01:45:04,798 --> 01:45:06,674 Ira, are you cranky right now? 2300 01:45:06,759 --> 01:45:07,967 Do you need food in your belly? 2301 01:45:08,052 --> 01:45:09,010 No. 2302 01:45:09,094 --> 01:45:10,762 Come on, we're gonna order in a pizza. 2303 01:45:11,388 --> 01:45:14,474 (CARTOONISHLY) Of course, Mr. Peters. 2304 01:45:14,558 --> 01:45:15,516 I'll be at the... 2305 01:45:15,601 --> 01:45:16,768 (COUGHS) 2306 01:45:16,852 --> 01:45:18,186 Lunch meeting. 2307 01:45:19,188 --> 01:45:21,522 You're serving seafood? 2308 01:45:21,607 --> 01:45:22,941 (WHIMPERING) 2309 01:45:24,109 --> 01:45:26,027 I love seafood! 2310 01:45:26,654 --> 01:45:28,446 Okay, see you there! 2311 01:45:30,574 --> 01:45:32,075 Pizza's here! Yeah. 2312 01:45:32,159 --> 01:45:33,576 I'll be right back. Yes. 2313 01:45:33,661 --> 01:45:35,370 I'm the pizza monster! 2314 01:45:35,454 --> 01:45:36,621 (EXCLAIMING) 2315 01:45:39,291 --> 01:45:41,292 Hi, honey! 2316 01:45:41,543 --> 01:45:42,919 Clarke. Hi, sweetie. 2317 01:45:43,003 --> 01:45:45,213 Hi. What are you doing here? 2318 01:45:45,297 --> 01:45:47,048 Decided to surprise you. 2319 01:45:47,132 --> 01:45:49,884 The guy I was meant to have the meeting with had a heart attack 2320 01:45:49,969 --> 01:45:51,261 while I was waiting in reception for him. 2321 01:45:51,345 --> 01:45:52,804 It was unbelievable. Wow. 2322 01:45:52,888 --> 01:45:54,555 Next minute, this Chinese George Clooney guy 2323 01:45:54,640 --> 01:45:55,932 comes running past with, like, the... 2324 01:45:56,475 --> 01:45:57,725 What's it called? A defibrillator? 2325 01:45:57,810 --> 01:45:59,143 Starts zapping him. Right. Yeah, I've seen it. 2326 01:45:59,228 --> 01:46:01,562 It was like an episode of ER, but with Chinamen. 2327 01:46:01,647 --> 01:46:03,690 I missed you. 2328 01:46:08,779 --> 01:46:09,737 I know you. 2329 01:46:09,822 --> 01:46:11,114 Yes. 2330 01:46:11,198 --> 01:46:12,365 (CLEARS THROAT) 2331 01:46:12,449 --> 01:46:13,658 How you doing? 2332 01:46:14,285 --> 01:46:15,576 This is George Simmons. 2333 01:46:15,661 --> 01:46:17,203 He had a big comedy concert last night. 2334 01:46:17,288 --> 01:46:18,288 Oh, okay. 2335 01:46:18,497 --> 01:46:21,332 And so, I asked him to pop by and come visit. 2336 01:46:22,584 --> 01:46:24,127 Hope that's good. I... 2337 01:46:24,211 --> 01:46:25,712 I love the stand-up comedy. 2338 01:46:26,005 --> 01:46:27,630 Yeah, yeah. How'd it go? 2339 01:46:27,715 --> 01:46:31,926 They didn't... They didn't boo me off the stage, so that was a plus. 2340 01:46:32,011 --> 01:46:35,221 Yeah, they're a bunch of bloody cheese eaters up here. 2341 01:46:35,306 --> 01:46:37,056 Yeah. No, they were very nice. Yeah. 2342 01:46:37,141 --> 01:46:39,642 You have a... You have a very nice family, man, 2343 01:46:39,727 --> 01:46:41,227 and a great, great home. 2344 01:46:41,312 --> 01:46:42,770 Thank you. 2345 01:46:42,855 --> 01:46:44,272 Well, it's good to have you home. 2346 01:46:44,356 --> 01:46:45,898 The kids are dying to see you if... 2347 01:46:45,983 --> 01:46:48,609 Ira's hungry for... 2348 01:46:48,694 --> 01:46:49,694 G'day. Clarke. 2349 01:46:50,070 --> 01:46:51,779 Good day, I'm Ira. 2350 01:46:51,864 --> 01:46:53,448 Your husband's here. LAURA: Yeah. Yep. 2351 01:46:53,532 --> 01:46:56,993 Ira is George's opening act. He's really funny. 2352 01:46:57,077 --> 01:46:58,953 Really? He looks funny! 2353 01:46:59,872 --> 01:47:00,872 Thank you. 2354 01:47:00,956 --> 01:47:02,415 How'd you go last night? 2355 01:47:02,499 --> 01:47:05,043 You know, they didn't boo me off or anything, so... 2356 01:47:05,127 --> 01:47:06,461 (SOFTLY) I just said that one. 2357 01:47:06,545 --> 01:47:08,379 It was great. Yeah. 2358 01:47:08,464 --> 01:47:10,673 They just popped by, I gave them a tour of the house. 2359 01:47:10,758 --> 01:47:12,467 We were gonna have dinner, but it's not... 2360 01:47:12,551 --> 01:47:14,635 It's probably better that we do family dinner 2361 01:47:14,720 --> 01:47:15,887 since you're only in town a few days. 2362 01:47:15,971 --> 01:47:17,055 No, stay. That's a great idea. 2363 01:47:17,139 --> 01:47:18,348 The more the merrier. 2364 01:47:18,432 --> 01:47:19,640 Okay. Let's do that. 2365 01:47:19,892 --> 01:47:21,434 Thank you. LAURA: Great. 2366 01:47:21,518 --> 01:47:22,477 I'm gonna go say hi to the kids. 2367 01:47:22,561 --> 01:47:24,062 Okay. Okay. 2368 01:47:24,146 --> 01:47:25,646 (LAUGHS) That's hilarious. 2369 01:47:25,731 --> 01:47:27,940 You can't tell him that you're better, okay? 2370 01:47:28,025 --> 01:47:30,318 He'll know that something happened between us. 2371 01:47:30,402 --> 01:47:31,486 I won't. Okay? 2372 01:47:31,570 --> 01:47:33,863 'Cause I've been married for 12 years now and I have kids. 2373 01:47:33,947 --> 01:47:36,240 And I can't just throw it away this second, okay? 2374 01:47:36,450 --> 01:47:40,745 Hey, we'll be fine. I'm a good actor. You're a great actress. 2375 01:47:40,829 --> 01:47:43,831 Right. He hated you until he found out that you were sick. 2376 01:47:43,916 --> 01:47:47,835 And if he knows that you were here and that you're feeling better, he's gonna know. 2377 01:47:47,920 --> 01:47:49,003 So, don't say anything. 2378 01:47:49,088 --> 01:47:50,505 Okay, yeah, yeah. 2379 01:47:50,589 --> 01:47:52,423 Of course. Sure. I'll do that. 2380 01:47:52,966 --> 01:47:55,343 People never thought China would do that much business with the US, 2381 01:47:55,427 --> 01:47:57,970 but I never saw it as a big deal. You look at it like this. 2382 01:47:58,055 --> 01:47:59,180 You've got a billion people. 2383 01:47:59,264 --> 01:48:00,723 We make all kinds of cool shit. 2384 01:48:00,808 --> 01:48:03,017 They find out about the cool shit, like, on the Internet and stuff. 2385 01:48:03,102 --> 01:48:04,102 And they're gonna want the cool shit. 2386 01:48:04,186 --> 01:48:05,978 Cool shit's universal. 2387 01:48:06,063 --> 01:48:08,314 China's been good, but I'm trying to get into North Korea now. 2388 01:48:08,399 --> 01:48:09,899 That's the next... That's, like, the next frontier. 2389 01:48:10,025 --> 01:48:11,776 Wow. Wow. North Korea? North Korea. 2390 01:48:11,902 --> 01:48:14,362 Those people would blow you for a Wii Fit. 2391 01:48:14,446 --> 01:48:15,655 GEORGE: There you go. 2392 01:48:15,739 --> 01:48:17,532 This is really good pizza. 2393 01:48:17,616 --> 01:48:19,367 You know, they say, like, New York has the best pizza 2394 01:48:19,451 --> 01:48:21,369 and I always thought pizza in LA was only okay, 2395 01:48:21,453 --> 01:48:22,495 but who would have thought, you know, 2396 01:48:22,579 --> 01:48:27,250 Marin County is where they were really hiding the good pizza pies. 2397 01:48:29,086 --> 01:48:30,837 (IRA SPEAKING ITALIAN) 2398 01:48:33,132 --> 01:48:35,049 Clarke speaks fluent Chinese. 2399 01:48:35,134 --> 01:48:38,052 Really? Do you speak Cantonese or Mandarin? 2400 01:48:38,137 --> 01:48:40,388 Oh, well played, Ira. Mandarin. 2401 01:48:40,472 --> 01:48:42,223 Well gayed, Ira. 2402 01:48:42,307 --> 01:48:44,809 It's a bloody hard language, though, George. Jesus. 2403 01:48:45,477 --> 01:48:48,688 (SPEAKING MANDARIN) 2404 01:48:50,899 --> 01:48:52,608 (BOTH SPEAKING MANDARIN) 2405 01:48:52,693 --> 01:48:54,068 (REPEATING) 2406 01:49:02,035 --> 01:49:03,911 That was like a scene from Deer Hunter. 2407 01:49:04,830 --> 01:49:06,873 (BOTH SPEAKING VIETNAMESE) 2408 01:49:07,166 --> 01:49:09,500 Girls, you can go and watch TV. 2409 01:49:10,085 --> 01:49:12,795 Go on. Whatever you want to watch. 2410 01:49:13,839 --> 01:49:16,924 So, George, how's the fight going, mate? 2411 01:49:17,009 --> 01:49:17,967 How is it? 2412 01:49:18,051 --> 01:49:22,597 Clarke. This is not something that he wants to talk about right now. 2413 01:49:22,681 --> 01:49:26,100 He has to think about it every day of his life. 2414 01:49:26,185 --> 01:49:29,020 And he's taking a break from it right now. 2415 01:49:29,104 --> 01:49:35,902 (CRYING) It's such a shame that somebody who has brought so much joy 2416 01:49:35,986 --> 01:49:38,696 to so many people has to go through this. 2417 01:49:39,615 --> 01:49:42,450 Shit. Shit. 2418 01:49:42,534 --> 01:49:43,576 I'm sorry, mate. 2419 01:49:43,660 --> 01:49:47,705 Laura. Laura. We don't need to speak in code. 2420 01:49:47,789 --> 01:49:49,957 I'm sick. I think about it all the time. 2421 01:49:50,042 --> 01:49:51,292 CLARKE: Mate, I don't know how you do it. 2422 01:49:51,376 --> 01:49:53,878 I would be crying in my panties if I was you. 2423 01:49:54,004 --> 01:49:56,005 I worship guys like you, that attitude. 2424 01:49:56,089 --> 01:49:57,590 Have you considered Eastern medicine? 2425 01:49:57,674 --> 01:50:00,510 Well, I don't know if this is considered Eastern medicine, 2426 01:50:00,594 --> 01:50:02,720 but I've been eating a lot of rhino cock. 2427 01:50:02,804 --> 01:50:06,641 If Clarke thinks it's the right thing to do, let me chew some. 2428 01:50:06,725 --> 01:50:08,684 For the last time, stop calling me Rhino. 2429 01:50:08,769 --> 01:50:10,269 (ALL LAUGHING) 2430 01:50:11,855 --> 01:50:13,648 George Simmons in my house! 2431 01:50:13,732 --> 01:50:17,860 Clarke took an herb once, and he had heart palpitations and diarrhea. 2432 01:50:17,945 --> 01:50:19,403 No, it's true. I shit myself, mate, 2433 01:50:19,488 --> 01:50:20,905 and I had a boner at the same time. 2434 01:50:20,989 --> 01:50:22,406 (LAUGHING) 2435 01:50:23,534 --> 01:50:25,826 I want to take an herb that makes me as good-looking as you. 2436 01:50:25,911 --> 01:50:27,537 Jesus Christ! 2437 01:50:27,621 --> 01:50:29,830 If I were you I'd be at home all day fucking myself. 2438 01:50:29,915 --> 01:50:30,915 CLARKE: That's what I do! 2439 01:50:30,999 --> 01:50:32,667 (GEORGE LAUGHING) 2440 01:50:32,751 --> 01:50:35,002 All right! All right! We're cooking. 2441 01:50:35,420 --> 01:50:36,963 He's really funny. Mmm-hmm. 2442 01:50:37,172 --> 01:50:38,756 I don't know why his movies aren't funny, though. 2443 01:50:38,882 --> 01:50:40,383 That's weird, isn't it? Mmm-hmm. 2444 01:50:40,467 --> 01:50:42,009 He should put some of that on the silver screen. 2445 01:50:42,094 --> 01:50:43,344 So, just one drink, okay? 2446 01:50:43,428 --> 01:50:46,013 This isn't someone I want to spend a lot of time with. 2447 01:50:46,098 --> 01:50:48,015 This? This is the Australian me? 2448 01:50:48,100 --> 01:50:49,767 I'm so much better than this fucking idiot. 2449 01:50:49,851 --> 01:50:51,102 He seems like the nicest guy, ever. 2450 01:50:51,186 --> 01:50:53,020 He's trying to cure you with herbs for God's sakes. 2451 01:50:53,105 --> 01:50:55,189 I can't leave her alone here. I have to save her. 2452 01:50:55,274 --> 01:50:57,316 Save her from her beautiful house and lovely husband 2453 01:50:57,401 --> 01:50:58,526 and delightful kids? 2454 01:50:58,610 --> 01:51:00,194 Her husband's a skipping, cheating psycho. 2455 01:51:00,279 --> 01:51:01,862 You said nothing was going on between you two. 2456 01:51:01,947 --> 01:51:03,823 The dog could tell that you banged her. 2457 01:51:03,907 --> 01:51:05,157 And I'm getting nauseous and sweaty. I can't... 2458 01:51:05,242 --> 01:51:08,327 Get away from me! Get away from me! Go play with the kids. 2459 01:51:09,246 --> 01:51:10,371 (AUDIENCE ON TV LAUGHING) 2460 01:51:10,455 --> 01:51:13,124 WOMAN: Tim, are you asking me out on a date? 2461 01:51:13,208 --> 01:51:14,667 Would you like it to be a date? 2462 01:51:14,751 --> 01:51:16,544 Hey, bro, so your doctor called 2463 01:51:16,628 --> 01:51:19,964 and he said it is contagious, but only when inflamed, so you're cool. 2464 01:51:20,048 --> 01:51:21,048 (SCOFFS) 2465 01:51:21,133 --> 01:51:22,592 Also, I was trying to do the laundry, 2466 01:51:22,676 --> 01:51:25,052 but I think I need to get some industrial-strength detergent. 2467 01:51:25,137 --> 01:51:27,555 What's up with all the skid marks, Dale Earnhardt, Jr? 2468 01:51:27,639 --> 01:51:30,266 Wow, I think I have a class. 2469 01:51:30,350 --> 01:51:31,684 You guys like this show? 2470 01:51:31,768 --> 01:51:32,893 BOTH: No! 2471 01:51:32,978 --> 01:51:35,104 It's the worst show, ever. 2472 01:51:35,188 --> 01:51:36,188 Good. 2473 01:51:36,982 --> 01:51:38,899 Here you go. We're finished with the French shit. 2474 01:51:38,984 --> 01:51:40,568 We're into española! 2475 01:51:40,652 --> 01:51:42,236 All right. 2476 01:51:43,030 --> 01:51:44,739 China, man. Wow. 2477 01:51:44,823 --> 01:51:47,575 And you guys never see each other, huh? That must be rough. 2478 01:51:47,659 --> 01:51:48,868 Right? Rough on the kids. 2479 01:51:48,952 --> 01:51:52,163 It's not ideal, but the kids like to eat, so... 2480 01:51:52,456 --> 01:51:53,664 (LAUGHS) 2481 01:51:53,832 --> 01:51:56,792 You ever see this girl act before? She was quite the actress. 2482 01:51:56,877 --> 01:51:58,753 Well, she's very good at pretending she still loves me, 2483 01:51:58,837 --> 01:52:00,463 so she's pretty good then, isn't she? 2484 01:52:00,547 --> 01:52:02,173 (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I am. 2485 01:52:03,300 --> 01:52:06,260 Can't say I watched much of that Melrose Place stuff, though. 2486 01:52:06,345 --> 01:52:08,054 Although I did see the Party of Five episode you were in. 2487 01:52:08,138 --> 01:52:10,139 It wasn't really for me, you know. 2488 01:52:10,307 --> 01:52:15,311 Well, it was down to me and Cameron Diaz for the lead part in The Mask. 2489 01:52:15,395 --> 01:52:17,521 Cameron Diaz! That's my girl. 2490 01:52:17,606 --> 01:52:19,607 She's a bloody top actress, isn't she? 2491 01:52:19,691 --> 01:52:22,443 Hey, what was that film she was in with the bloody spuff in her hair? 2492 01:52:22,569 --> 01:52:23,736 Something About Mary! 2493 01:52:23,820 --> 01:52:24,820 (EXCLAIMING) 2494 01:52:24,905 --> 01:52:27,823 I love that movie! She's so funny! 2495 01:52:27,908 --> 01:52:29,742 Just about shit my panties in that one. 2496 01:52:29,910 --> 01:52:31,118 No, no, no, there's not too many girls 2497 01:52:31,203 --> 01:52:34,747 that are this beautiful and sexy and funny and... 2498 01:52:34,831 --> 01:52:36,123 She had the whole deal. 2499 01:52:36,208 --> 01:52:41,629 Es, but Cameron Diaz, fuck! I mean, come on. 2500 01:52:42,798 --> 01:52:43,881 See, if you had've done that movie, 2501 01:52:43,965 --> 01:52:45,508 you could have had the bloody spuff in your hair. 2502 01:52:45,592 --> 01:52:46,592 Look out. 2503 01:52:46,677 --> 01:52:47,635 CLARKE: What are you giving me the evil eyes for? 2504 01:52:47,719 --> 01:52:48,886 You're such a dick sometimes. 2505 01:52:48,970 --> 01:52:50,054 I'm not... Why? 2506 01:52:50,138 --> 01:52:51,180 Because. 2507 01:52:51,264 --> 01:52:54,141 CLARKE: I'm just saying you had your crack, you had your go at it. 2508 01:52:54,226 --> 01:52:56,060 I feel like I didn't reach my potential that... 2509 01:52:56,144 --> 01:52:57,436 Oh, please! 2510 01:52:57,521 --> 01:52:58,479 Oh, please, what? 2511 01:52:58,563 --> 01:52:59,730 I didn't reach my potential, either! 2512 01:52:59,815 --> 01:53:01,148 I could have been playing footie! 2513 01:53:01,233 --> 01:53:02,233 You weren't that good 2514 01:53:02,317 --> 01:53:03,484 at playing footie. I was. 2515 01:53:03,568 --> 01:53:04,568 LAURA: You weren't. 2516 01:53:05,529 --> 01:53:08,948 You should thank me, George. I took a bullet here for you. 2517 01:53:09,032 --> 01:53:11,992 All right, on that note, I'm gonna head back to Los Angeles. 2518 01:53:12,077 --> 01:53:13,077 No, come on, stay. 2519 01:53:13,161 --> 01:53:14,161 No, it's fine. I'll split. 2520 01:53:14,246 --> 01:53:15,287 It's early. I've been here too long. 2521 01:53:15,372 --> 01:53:16,580 Schmira! We just started a bottle. 2522 01:53:16,665 --> 01:53:19,542 Nah, nah, nah. You guys have been the best. Schmira! 2523 01:53:19,626 --> 01:53:22,253 Thank you so much for having us, guys. Oh! 2524 01:53:22,337 --> 01:53:24,004 Shoot. CLARKE: Uh-oh! Look out. 2525 01:53:24,089 --> 01:53:25,089 God, I'm sorry, guys. 2526 01:53:25,173 --> 01:53:26,173 CLARKE: Someone's had too much to drink. 2527 01:53:26,258 --> 01:53:29,301 Oh, man, no. No, I just kicked your pot by accident, that's all. I... 2528 01:53:29,594 --> 01:53:31,512 Hold it together there, Schmira. I'm just a... Oh, God. 2529 01:53:31,596 --> 01:53:32,555 It's okay. 2530 01:53:32,639 --> 01:53:33,848 You're staying here. You're not driving. 2531 01:53:33,932 --> 01:53:36,517 No way. We got a guest house, two spare beds. Done. 2532 01:53:36,601 --> 01:53:38,227 You two, plenty of room to stay. No, no. Ira can drive. 2533 01:53:38,311 --> 01:53:39,687 He... You're fine to drive, right, Ira? 2534 01:53:39,771 --> 01:53:41,605 I am. I just kicked your begonias, that's all. 2535 01:53:41,690 --> 01:53:44,734 No way! I'm not having America's favorite funnyman dead on the side of the road 2536 01:53:44,818 --> 01:53:46,402 'cause Schmira here's had too much to drink. 2537 01:53:46,486 --> 01:53:47,653 George, you can drive, right? 2538 01:53:47,738 --> 01:53:49,780 Bullshit! You're staying here. 2539 01:53:49,906 --> 01:53:53,492 Plus, there's a game of Aussie-rules footie on the dish tonight. 2540 01:53:53,577 --> 01:53:54,952 Semi-final. Saints versus Maggies. 2541 01:53:55,036 --> 01:53:57,204 Not that American shit. I want you to see it. 2542 01:53:57,289 --> 01:54:00,374 One condition. You Aussie pussies got any beer around here? 2543 01:54:00,459 --> 01:54:02,084 Yes, it's on... 2544 01:54:02,169 --> 01:54:03,377 (WHOOPS) 2545 01:54:03,462 --> 01:54:04,503 Yes! 2546 01:54:05,088 --> 01:54:07,089 Yeah, it doesn't matter if you're a small fucker or a big fucker, 2547 01:54:07,174 --> 01:54:09,383 you can play this game because the small fuckers go in barreling 2548 01:54:09,468 --> 01:54:11,302 and they can get the ball over and the boys are scrambling. 2549 01:54:11,386 --> 01:54:12,720 Now watch. The little fuckers down there go. 2550 01:54:12,804 --> 01:54:14,722 There they are. Big fuckers smack them. 2551 01:54:14,806 --> 01:54:17,266 Little fucker. Little fucker. Off to a big fucker. 2552 01:54:17,350 --> 01:54:20,978 Now he's gonna go down to another big fucker. I hate that big fucker. 2553 01:54:21,062 --> 01:54:22,062 Where are the black guys? 2554 01:54:22,147 --> 01:54:23,564 CLARKE: This is... There's a couple out there. 2555 01:54:23,648 --> 01:54:25,065 I hate this team. Oh, yeah? 2556 01:54:25,150 --> 01:54:26,650 Magpies. Hate the Maggies! 2557 01:54:26,735 --> 01:54:30,696 They're like... I don't know what the equivalent in the NFL... 2558 01:54:30,822 --> 01:54:35,284 No helmets. No fucking helmets 'cause they're real men. See? 2559 01:54:35,368 --> 01:54:38,871 Love you. Just explaining the game to them. They're loving it! 2560 01:54:43,960 --> 01:54:45,377 (MOUTHING) 2561 01:54:46,838 --> 01:54:48,380 Yeah, we gotta get going, you know. 2562 01:54:48,465 --> 01:54:50,424 Are you sure you can't stay? 2563 01:54:50,509 --> 01:54:52,092 We can't stay. We can't stay. 2564 01:54:52,177 --> 01:54:55,179 Yeah, it's my... It's my grandmother's 85th birthday. 2565 01:54:55,263 --> 01:54:56,263 We got family coming in from all over. 2566 01:54:56,348 --> 01:54:57,306 GEORGE: That's right. 2567 01:54:57,390 --> 01:54:59,934 She just had a stroke. In her leg. 2568 01:55:00,018 --> 01:55:01,268 So, you know, we gotta get back. 2569 01:55:01,353 --> 01:55:02,353 Yeah. 2570 01:55:02,437 --> 01:55:04,104 That's too bad you guys can't stay. 2571 01:55:04,189 --> 01:55:05,523 It is too bad. 2572 01:55:05,690 --> 01:55:08,025 Well, I wish I could say I was gonna see you again, George, 2573 01:55:08,109 --> 01:55:10,069 but I can't really say that, can I? 2574 01:55:10,153 --> 01:55:12,446 Yeah, yeah, I guess you can't. 2575 01:55:12,531 --> 01:55:13,531 You don't have to do that, honey. 2576 01:55:13,615 --> 01:55:15,950 No, I do have to do this, honey. I do. 2577 01:55:16,034 --> 01:55:17,159 You know what, mate? 2578 01:55:17,244 --> 01:55:20,621 If there's one thing I've learned from my Buddhist friends, the Chinese, 2579 01:55:20,705 --> 01:55:24,250 is to keep an open heart and to speak the truth. 2580 01:55:24,334 --> 01:55:28,254 So, what I want to say to you, George, is thank you. 2581 01:55:29,214 --> 01:55:33,092 Thank you for playing such a big role in my wife's life. 2582 01:55:34,678 --> 01:55:36,637 It's been great getting to know you. 2583 01:55:36,721 --> 01:55:41,642 And I wish you a peaceful journey from here on in and over to the other side. 2584 01:55:41,726 --> 01:55:42,935 Come here, mate. 2585 01:55:43,019 --> 01:55:45,521 Okay, we're gonna do this. 2586 01:55:46,857 --> 01:55:48,941 Thank you. Thank you for everything. 2587 01:55:49,025 --> 01:55:49,984 All right. 2588 01:55:50,068 --> 01:55:51,235 Thank you. 2589 01:55:51,319 --> 01:55:53,571 All right, I appreciate your having us. 2590 01:55:53,655 --> 01:55:56,907 Don't worry, Daddy. He's not sick anymore. 2591 01:55:56,992 --> 01:55:58,242 Ira told us. 2592 01:55:58,326 --> 01:55:59,493 I didn't say that. 2593 01:55:59,578 --> 01:56:00,578 Yes, you did. Yeah, you did. 2594 01:56:00,662 --> 01:56:02,621 When we were coloring. IRA: No. 2595 01:56:02,706 --> 01:56:03,747 Yeah. Yeah. 2596 01:56:03,832 --> 01:56:04,874 IRA: That's not true, girls. 2597 01:56:04,958 --> 01:56:06,333 No, that's not true. IRA: I did not say that. 2598 01:56:06,418 --> 01:56:07,710 I don't know what they're talking about. 2599 01:56:07,794 --> 01:56:09,044 Liar. 2600 01:56:09,129 --> 01:56:11,005 Liar, liar, pants on fire. 2601 01:56:11,089 --> 01:56:13,382 They were freaking out. They were worried about George. 2602 01:56:13,466 --> 01:56:15,593 I just said it so they wouldn't be scared. It was just... 2603 01:56:15,677 --> 01:56:17,052 Kids, go inside. 2604 01:56:17,178 --> 01:56:19,138 Can we watch Borat? Yeah, you can. 2605 01:56:19,222 --> 01:56:20,681 INGRID: I don't wanna watch Borat. Yes, you... Come on. 2606 01:56:20,765 --> 01:56:22,224 See you guys. 2607 01:56:23,435 --> 01:56:26,520 What is going on around here? Is that true? 2608 01:56:26,605 --> 01:56:28,856 I never said that he was feeling better. 2609 01:56:28,940 --> 01:56:31,442 He just took some medicine and it's looking good for him 2610 01:56:31,526 --> 01:56:32,943 because they can't detect it in his blood, 2611 01:56:33,028 --> 01:56:35,529 but that doesn't mean that he's better. 2612 01:56:35,614 --> 01:56:37,072 These things are very tricky 2613 01:56:37,157 --> 01:56:40,326 and he didn't want to tell anybody because he didn't want to jinx it! 2614 01:56:40,410 --> 01:56:41,785 Is that true that you didn't want to jinx it? 2615 01:56:41,870 --> 01:56:43,913 Yeah. No, no, no, I... Yeah, I'm very superstitious. 2616 01:56:43,997 --> 01:56:45,039 Mmm-hmm. 2617 01:56:45,123 --> 01:56:46,624 You're a terrible liar. 2618 01:56:46,750 --> 01:56:51,670 (IMITATING AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) No, nothing's going on around here! 2619 01:56:52,631 --> 01:56:54,214 It's completely innocent. 2620 01:56:54,299 --> 01:56:55,716 I left me ring... What accent is that? 2621 01:56:55,800 --> 01:56:57,801 ...on the side table. Jamaican? 2622 01:56:58,094 --> 01:57:00,220 Don't mock me. I don't appreciate it. 2623 01:57:00,680 --> 01:57:02,890 Lots of people go to massage parlors. 2624 01:57:02,974 --> 01:57:05,601 That doesn't mean I was getting a rub-and-tug. 2625 01:57:05,685 --> 01:57:11,148 Those hairs on me jacket must've fallen off the waiter's pussy. 2626 01:57:11,608 --> 01:57:13,233 What the hell has gotten into you? 2627 01:57:13,318 --> 01:57:15,569 I was at a footie game! 2628 01:57:15,654 --> 01:57:17,237 Are you taking the piss out of me? 2629 01:57:17,322 --> 01:57:22,117 I would never lie to you, mate. Oi? 2630 01:57:23,078 --> 01:57:24,078 I'm not playing this game with you. 2631 01:57:24,162 --> 01:57:26,664 This is stupid. What a stupid game! 2632 01:57:27,499 --> 01:57:30,250 Clarke, let's tell each other the truth. 2633 01:57:31,169 --> 01:57:32,169 Just come clean with me. 2634 01:57:32,253 --> 01:57:33,420 There's nothing to tell. 2635 01:57:33,505 --> 01:57:34,546 There's nothing to tell? 2636 01:57:34,631 --> 01:57:35,589 There's nothing to tell. 2637 01:57:35,674 --> 01:57:39,426 You will never tell me the truth. That is a pussy move! 2638 01:57:39,511 --> 01:57:41,011 You know what? I'm not doing this. 2639 01:57:41,096 --> 01:57:44,306 I'm not being put on a cross for something I didn't even do! 2640 01:57:44,391 --> 01:57:45,599 Enjoy each other! 2641 01:57:45,684 --> 01:57:47,017 Go fuck your whores! 2642 01:57:47,686 --> 01:57:50,187 "Go fuck your whores"? 2643 01:57:57,988 --> 01:58:02,074 So, it's good that he left, and this is a huge relief for me. 2644 01:58:02,158 --> 01:58:04,201 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 2645 01:58:04,285 --> 01:58:08,872 I don't need to be in a marriage that is like that, so I'm fine. 2646 01:58:08,957 --> 01:58:12,292 I'm not worried about that. I just want you to be okay. 2647 01:58:12,377 --> 01:58:13,502 I would be scared if I was you right now. 2648 01:58:13,586 --> 01:58:14,628 Are you kidding me? 2649 01:58:14,713 --> 01:58:15,838 This is what needed to happen. 2650 01:58:15,922 --> 01:58:17,381 I would run away. 2651 01:58:17,465 --> 01:58:18,465 No, I'm staying here. 2652 01:58:18,550 --> 01:58:19,508 Are you gonna run away? 2653 01:58:19,592 --> 01:58:22,302 Where am I running to? Only if you come with me. 2654 01:58:22,387 --> 01:58:24,930 I really need you around right now. 2655 01:58:25,015 --> 01:58:26,015 Yeah. Yeah. 2656 01:58:26,099 --> 01:58:27,182 Can you stay till Monday? 2657 01:58:27,267 --> 01:58:28,600 Absolutely. 2658 01:58:28,685 --> 01:58:31,103 Can't we just go and, like, come back later, you know? 2659 01:58:31,187 --> 01:58:33,188 I mean, if this is meant to be, it'll be. 2660 01:58:33,273 --> 01:58:34,898 We don't have to be here right this second. 2661 01:58:34,983 --> 01:58:35,983 Can't we just go? 2662 01:58:36,067 --> 01:58:37,651 Man, I don't... I see... 2663 01:58:37,736 --> 01:58:41,071 Jesus Christ, every instinct in my body is telling me to leave here, too. 2664 01:58:41,406 --> 01:58:42,364 Good. 2665 01:58:42,449 --> 01:58:43,866 But that's what led me to this shitty life. 2666 01:58:43,950 --> 01:58:48,328 I gotta stay here. I gotta do the right thing. I love her. 2667 01:58:48,413 --> 01:58:52,958 Right now, her husband is gonna come back and murder us, man! 2668 01:58:53,043 --> 01:58:54,960 Did you see his arms? They look like legs! 2669 01:58:55,045 --> 01:58:56,545 Shut up. Don't be an idiot. 2670 01:58:56,629 --> 01:59:01,216 I'm not being an... Imagine that you are a gigantic Australian man 2671 01:59:01,301 --> 01:59:04,094 and someone came into your home and fucked your wife. 2672 01:59:04,179 --> 01:59:07,181 You would murder him and then you would make a hat out of his skin 2673 01:59:07,307 --> 01:59:09,183 'cause that's what Australians do. Let's go! 2674 01:59:09,392 --> 01:59:12,186 Ira, this is deep shit. People get divorced. 2675 01:59:12,270 --> 01:59:15,814 They make mistakes, they change their lives. 2676 01:59:17,025 --> 01:59:20,527 It's not that big of a deal. She's married to an asshole. 2677 01:59:20,612 --> 01:59:22,571 She seems like a crazy actress, man. 2678 01:59:22,655 --> 01:59:24,073 I don't know what to tell you, man. 2679 01:59:24,157 --> 01:59:25,824 Am I not allowed to be happy or something? 2680 01:59:25,909 --> 01:59:29,203 I've been living alone and alone and alone. That's my life. 2681 01:59:29,287 --> 01:59:30,746 This is the only girl I've ever loved 2682 01:59:30,830 --> 01:59:32,456 and I'm not supposed to do anything about this? 2683 01:59:33,291 --> 01:59:34,625 When am I supposed to be happy? 2684 01:59:34,709 --> 01:59:37,503 Why does everyone else get to be happy? 2685 01:59:37,587 --> 01:59:40,506 Look, George, I'm just gonna tell you this, as a friend. 2686 01:59:41,257 --> 01:59:43,967 From where I'm sitting it seems like your happiness 2687 01:59:44,052 --> 01:59:46,970 might be coming at the cost of destroying this family. 2688 01:59:47,889 --> 01:59:50,390 Okay, let me respond to that, as your friend, 2689 01:59:50,475 --> 01:59:52,851 and let you know you're not my friend. 2690 01:59:52,936 --> 01:59:54,895 You fucking work for me! 2691 01:59:54,979 --> 01:59:59,441 I didn't ask for your advice! You're overstepping your boundaries, man! 2692 01:59:59,526 --> 02:00:01,735 Now go get me a fucking Diet Coke! 2693 02:00:01,820 --> 02:00:04,404 And remind yourself that's what you do for me! 2694 02:00:04,489 --> 02:00:05,781 Now get the fuck out of here! 2695 02:00:05,865 --> 02:00:06,865 Fine. 2696 02:00:07,826 --> 02:00:10,744 Don't fucking leave! Sit down here! I don't want to be alone. 2697 02:00:10,829 --> 02:00:12,621 Okay, fine. 2698 02:00:15,166 --> 02:00:16,166 This is Mark. 2699 02:00:16,251 --> 02:00:17,835 Hey, Mark, it's Ira. How's it going, man? 2700 02:00:18,253 --> 02:00:21,171 Not too good. I didn't get the part in the Tobey Maguire movie. 2701 02:00:21,256 --> 02:00:23,590 That doesn't matter. I have a problem. I need help, okay? 2702 02:00:23,675 --> 02:00:24,800 Where have you been? 2703 02:00:24,884 --> 02:00:27,636 I'm in Marin County. Northern California. 2704 02:00:27,720 --> 02:00:30,472 (SIGHS) Listen, I... I have to tell you something. 2705 02:00:30,682 --> 02:00:32,391 Are you sitting down? 2706 02:00:32,475 --> 02:00:33,475 Yeah. Okay. 2707 02:00:34,477 --> 02:00:35,853 The other night I went out to drinks 2708 02:00:35,937 --> 02:00:36,937 with the producers of my show 2709 02:00:37,021 --> 02:00:38,772 and Leo met up with us. 2710 02:00:38,857 --> 02:00:41,108 And they were enamored by him and they thought he was really funny. 2711 02:00:41,192 --> 02:00:44,027 And they offered him a part on Yo Teach! And he took it. 2712 02:00:44,112 --> 02:00:46,572 I saw the episode. I know that that happened. 2713 02:00:46,656 --> 02:00:47,823 You watched it? I watched it. 2714 02:00:47,907 --> 02:00:48,907 Did you love it? 2715 02:00:49,617 --> 02:00:51,493 Yeah. He was great, right? 2716 02:00:51,578 --> 02:00:53,495 It was fine! I have no problem with Leo, okay? 2717 02:00:53,580 --> 02:00:54,705 Tell Leo, if he's got a problem, 2718 02:00:54,789 --> 02:00:57,124 to stop being a baby and to just get over it! 2719 02:00:57,208 --> 02:00:58,250 Why don't you tell Leo yourself? 2720 02:00:58,334 --> 02:01:00,377 'Cause Leo's been surveilling this whole conversation. 2721 02:01:00,670 --> 02:01:01,712 You dick. LEO: Fucking asshole. 2722 02:01:01,838 --> 02:01:03,630 MARK: Leo, get off the phone! Screw you, Leo. Screw you. 2723 02:01:03,715 --> 02:01:05,132 Hey, man what have you been up to? 2724 02:01:05,216 --> 02:01:06,508 Sucking George Simmons' balls? 2725 02:01:06,593 --> 02:01:08,886 That's cool. I've been on Yo Teach! Living it up. 2726 02:01:08,970 --> 02:01:10,470 I'm sorry, Leo. Yo Teach! Sucks. 2727 02:01:10,555 --> 02:01:11,680 LEO: Go lose some more weight, Ira! 2728 02:01:11,764 --> 02:01:12,848 You look fucking weird skinny! 2729 02:01:13,391 --> 02:01:14,725 MARK: Leo, calm down! 2730 02:01:14,809 --> 02:01:17,102 You know what, Ira? I want to put my eyeglasses on your asshole 2731 02:01:17,187 --> 02:01:20,022 so it looks like you're blowing me when I'm fucking you in the ass, you jerk! 2732 02:01:20,106 --> 02:01:21,106 IRA: That doesn't even make sense! 2733 02:01:21,191 --> 02:01:23,483 You're gonna put glasses on my ass? What? 2734 02:01:23,568 --> 02:01:27,487 Ira, we will find something for you to do on the show, okay? 2735 02:01:27,572 --> 02:01:29,072 Teach can have more than one friend. 2736 02:01:29,157 --> 02:01:30,407 Can we talk about this later? 2737 02:01:30,491 --> 02:01:33,327 I am in a serious problem. I just need some advice, okay? Please? 2738 02:01:33,411 --> 02:01:36,914 Just listen to me for two minutes and tell me what I should do right now, okay? 2739 02:01:36,998 --> 02:01:38,123 Will you do that? 2740 02:01:38,208 --> 02:01:40,918 All right. If it's serious, I'm sorry. I will listen. 2741 02:01:41,336 --> 02:01:42,336 (SIGHS) 2742 02:01:42,420 --> 02:01:44,338 Okay. Here's what's happening. 2743 02:01:44,422 --> 02:01:46,256 I'm witnessing a slow-moving train wreck, 2744 02:01:46,341 --> 02:01:48,383 but if I do something, I will lose my job. 2745 02:01:48,468 --> 02:01:49,468 Are you serious? 2746 02:01:49,552 --> 02:01:50,969 So, what I don't know, is... 2747 02:01:51,262 --> 02:01:53,388 (DISCONNECTS) Screw you. 2748 02:01:53,598 --> 02:01:54,598 (SIGHS) 2749 02:01:54,891 --> 02:01:55,891 Higher! Higher! 2750 02:01:55,975 --> 02:01:57,017 I can't. I... I can't. Yes, you can. 2751 02:01:57,101 --> 02:01:58,602 You, you have to go down a little bit then 2752 02:01:58,645 --> 02:02:00,354 through the middle. LAURA: Be careful. Don't let him fall on you. 2753 02:02:00,438 --> 02:02:01,438 Where do I put my hand? 2754 02:02:02,232 --> 02:02:07,152 I spoke to Clarke. He's gonna be at the airport tonight heading back to China. 2755 02:02:07,278 --> 02:02:09,863 I'm gonna go tell him that when he comes back 2756 02:02:10,073 --> 02:02:12,532 he should find another place to live. 2757 02:02:12,617 --> 02:02:13,867 Wait, wait, wait, wait. What... 2758 02:02:13,952 --> 02:02:16,745 You... Yeah? Good. Good. Yeah. 2759 02:02:17,121 --> 02:02:18,163 You're gonna tell him? 2760 02:02:18,248 --> 02:02:19,623 I just don't want him coming back here. 2761 02:02:19,707 --> 02:02:20,999 You don't need him. No. 2762 02:02:21,084 --> 02:02:23,168 That'll just get you sick. 2763 02:02:23,253 --> 02:02:26,129 Good, you gotta tell him. So, when are you doing that? 2764 02:02:26,214 --> 02:02:27,214 Tonight? Yeah. 2765 02:02:27,298 --> 02:02:28,298 Okay, okay, I'm coming down. 2766 02:02:28,383 --> 02:02:29,383 Jump! 2767 02:02:30,301 --> 02:02:31,343 I talked to a girlfriend of mine, 2768 02:02:31,427 --> 02:02:33,512 and she has somebody who could show us 2769 02:02:33,638 --> 02:02:35,806 some houses down in Los Angeles. 2770 02:02:36,140 --> 02:02:37,349 And we'll get that whole thing going. 2771 02:02:37,433 --> 02:02:41,895 And then I was thinking about taking the kids out of school now, 2772 02:02:41,980 --> 02:02:45,065 but we should probably let them finish up because it's December. 2773 02:02:45,149 --> 02:02:46,733 And I don't want to mess everything up. 2774 02:02:46,818 --> 02:02:48,610 They have to finish the whole year here. 2775 02:02:48,695 --> 02:02:50,112 Yeah, that makes sense to me. So, if we just go down 2776 02:02:50,196 --> 02:02:51,530 at the beginning of the summer, 2777 02:02:51,614 --> 02:02:52,948 let them kind of transit. I'm supposed to do 2778 02:02:53,032 --> 02:02:54,574 a little two-week tour this summer. 2779 02:02:54,659 --> 02:02:56,994 I'm supposed to do it, but I don't need to do it. 2780 02:02:57,161 --> 02:03:00,580 No pressure on you. Look at you! There's no pressure on you. 2781 02:03:00,665 --> 02:03:04,835 I need to work and I want to get my acting career going again. 2782 02:03:04,919 --> 02:03:06,670 Good. Yeah. 2783 02:03:06,754 --> 02:03:09,339 She's whupping you, Ingrid! Good job there, Lulu. 2784 02:03:10,591 --> 02:03:12,301 So, she's gonna go to the airport tonight 2785 02:03:12,385 --> 02:03:15,345 and tell Clarke that she wants him to find a new place and... 2786 02:03:16,556 --> 02:03:18,598 What do you think of that? 2787 02:03:18,683 --> 02:03:20,851 (SIGHS) I don't want to tell you what I think about that 2788 02:03:20,935 --> 02:03:22,477 'cause I don't want to get yelled at, George. 2789 02:03:22,562 --> 02:03:24,104 (SIGHS) Oh, God. 2790 02:03:24,188 --> 02:03:26,857 I'm just nervous about the kids and, like, who's gonna get them 2791 02:03:26,941 --> 02:03:29,109 and does he get one and Laura gets one, 2792 02:03:29,193 --> 02:03:30,819 or am I gonna have both of them? 2793 02:03:30,903 --> 02:03:32,946 'Cause I love the little one, we kind of click. 2794 02:03:33,031 --> 02:03:36,825 But the older one is, like, you sense the period's coming soon. 2795 02:03:36,909 --> 02:03:38,618 I think she would probably get the kids. 2796 02:03:38,703 --> 02:03:39,703 All right, yeah. 2797 02:03:39,787 --> 02:03:41,913 I don't think you can have two girls in China. 2798 02:03:42,040 --> 02:03:43,498 What are you gonna do now? Look at this crew. 2799 02:03:43,583 --> 02:03:44,875 Why so close? Really? 2800 02:03:44,959 --> 02:03:45,959 (EXCLAIMS) 2801 02:03:46,044 --> 02:03:47,711 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 2802 02:03:47,795 --> 02:03:49,463 You okay, little girl? You okay? 2803 02:03:49,547 --> 02:03:50,964 Oh, man. Are you okay? 2804 02:03:51,049 --> 02:03:52,674 Okay. I'm gonna show you Mable singing... 2805 02:03:52,759 --> 02:03:53,800 Mom, you make everybody see... 2806 02:03:53,885 --> 02:03:56,053 No, Memory from Cats. Come on! It's... 2807 02:03:56,220 --> 02:03:57,846 No. I hate that you show it to everyone. 2808 02:03:57,930 --> 02:03:59,473 I'll just show them the end part. 2809 02:03:59,557 --> 02:04:01,308 (ALL LAUGHING) 2810 02:04:01,392 --> 02:04:03,810 I'll just show you the ending. Okay. 2811 02:04:03,895 --> 02:04:05,937 (SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING) 2812 02:04:18,076 --> 02:04:24,122 (SINGING) Burnt-out ends of smoky days 2813 02:04:24,957 --> 02:04:30,879 The stale cold smell of morning 2814 02:04:32,256 --> 02:04:39,012 The streetlamp dies, another night is over 2815 02:04:39,472 --> 02:04:44,684 Another day is dawning 2816 02:04:47,105 --> 02:04:49,689 Touch me 2817 02:04:49,816 --> 02:04:56,279 It's so easy to leave me All alone with the memory 2818 02:04:56,948 --> 02:05:00,033 Of my days in the sun 2819 02:05:01,369 --> 02:05:05,497 If you touch me You'll understand what happiness is 2820 02:05:05,581 --> 02:05:06,957 (MOUTHING) 2821 02:05:09,043 --> 02:05:15,048 Look, a new day has begun 2822 02:05:17,802 --> 02:05:19,553 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 2823 02:05:19,637 --> 02:05:21,221 (BOTH LAUGHING) 2824 02:05:22,890 --> 02:05:23,890 That was unbelievable! 2825 02:05:23,975 --> 02:05:25,642 Isn't that good? 2826 02:05:27,270 --> 02:05:29,229 That was insane! 2827 02:05:29,313 --> 02:05:33,191 That was like just seeing a little person sing an old person's song. 2828 02:05:33,276 --> 02:05:35,152 That was hysterical! 2829 02:05:35,236 --> 02:05:39,072 I got a friend who takes... He takes a lot of acid. 2830 02:05:39,157 --> 02:05:41,783 If he saw that, he would shit himself! 2831 02:05:43,327 --> 02:05:44,578 That's not supposed to be funny. 2832 02:05:44,662 --> 02:05:45,662 I know, I know, I know. I'm... 2833 02:05:45,746 --> 02:05:47,914 No, I think that's why it's funnier. 2834 02:05:47,999 --> 02:05:48,999 It was so amazing. 2835 02:05:49,083 --> 02:05:50,083 Wasn't that good? 2836 02:05:50,168 --> 02:05:51,835 I think I started crying a little bit. 2837 02:05:51,919 --> 02:05:54,921 Me, too. I cry every time I see that. 2838 02:05:57,008 --> 02:05:59,676 That shit was funny up there. 2839 02:05:59,760 --> 02:06:03,638 Okay. Wow, these guys are not gonna take no for an answer. 2840 02:06:04,432 --> 02:06:06,558 Yeah. They want me to do another baby movie. 2841 02:06:06,642 --> 02:06:09,311 They keep bumping up the gross on the DVDs. 2842 02:06:09,395 --> 02:06:12,105 I just... There's no way I'm doing it. 2843 02:06:18,696 --> 02:06:20,030 Okay. Bye. 2844 02:06:23,034 --> 02:06:24,618 (BOTH WHOOPING) 2845 02:06:25,203 --> 02:06:27,287 Hey, George. 2846 02:06:27,371 --> 02:06:28,705 (EXHALES) Yeah. 2847 02:06:28,789 --> 02:06:30,540 I'm going to... I'm gonna go to the store 2848 02:06:30,625 --> 02:06:31,833 and grab some cigarettes, okay? 2849 02:06:31,918 --> 02:06:33,043 I'll be back soon. 2850 02:06:33,127 --> 02:06:35,420 What? What do you need cigarettes for? 2851 02:06:35,505 --> 02:06:37,005 'Cause I'm addicted to them. 2852 02:06:37,089 --> 02:06:39,090 Why? 'Cause you look like the Fonz when you smoke? 2853 02:06:39,175 --> 02:06:41,885 I've always smoked. I just didn't do it in front of you 'cause you were sick. 2854 02:06:41,969 --> 02:06:43,512 And now that you're better... 2855 02:06:43,596 --> 02:06:46,223 Hurry up, though, man. I'm running out of gas with the kids here. 2856 02:06:46,307 --> 02:06:47,557 Okay. I'll hurry up. 2857 02:06:48,351 --> 02:06:54,064 (SINGING) Memory all alone in the moonlight 2858 02:06:55,983 --> 02:06:59,236 I can't wait till the morning 2859 02:07:01,030 --> 02:07:02,781 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 2860 02:07:10,039 --> 02:07:12,415 Are my parents getting a divorce? 2861 02:07:15,419 --> 02:07:17,921 Why... Why... Why do you ask that? 2862 02:07:18,506 --> 02:07:22,217 Just, like, I can tell. They're always fighting and... 2863 02:07:22,677 --> 02:07:24,344 How does that make you feel? 2864 02:07:24,428 --> 02:07:26,555 Well, he's already away a lot, 2865 02:07:26,639 --> 02:07:30,892 so it doesn't really matter that much, but... 2866 02:07:31,269 --> 02:07:32,852 Uh-huh. 2867 02:07:32,937 --> 02:07:34,896 That wouldn't be fun. 2868 02:07:34,981 --> 02:07:37,732 Maybe it would be better if they were separated. 2869 02:07:37,817 --> 02:07:38,858 Mmm-mmm. 2870 02:07:38,943 --> 02:07:40,235 No? 2871 02:07:40,319 --> 02:07:41,778 That's not good. 2872 02:07:41,862 --> 02:07:42,862 Right. 2873 02:08:04,677 --> 02:08:05,885 Clarke? 2874 02:08:07,722 --> 02:08:11,850 Laura, what are you doing here? 2875 02:08:11,934 --> 02:08:13,810 I don't know. 2876 02:08:14,270 --> 02:08:18,064 WOMAN ON PA: Mr. Way Chen, you need to get to the information desk. Thank you. 2877 02:08:18,149 --> 02:08:20,317 (SPEAKING MANDARIN) 2878 02:08:21,027 --> 02:08:22,027 You've reached Ira. 2879 02:08:22,111 --> 02:08:23,236 Please leave me a message. Thank you. 2880 02:08:23,321 --> 02:08:24,321 (BEEPS) 2881 02:08:24,405 --> 02:08:26,156 Where are you? You gotta come back here. 2882 02:08:26,240 --> 02:08:29,200 I think I'm getting... I'm getting lonely here. 2883 02:08:29,285 --> 02:08:32,287 I need some help. Just, seriously, hurry up. 2884 02:08:33,205 --> 02:08:37,000 I don't trust you. Am I imagining things? 2885 02:08:38,502 --> 02:08:40,712 You're not imagining anything, honey. 2886 02:08:40,838 --> 02:08:41,880 (SIGHS) 2887 02:08:41,964 --> 02:08:44,966 Two times. That's all I did was two times. 2888 02:08:45,051 --> 02:08:47,552 And I don't want to ruin everything just 'cause of two fucking times. 2889 02:08:47,637 --> 02:08:49,304 She couldn't even speak English. 2890 02:08:53,351 --> 02:08:55,393 Look at our life. You're driving the kids to school. 2891 02:08:55,478 --> 02:08:57,437 You're picking them up. You're like a single mother. 2892 02:08:57,521 --> 02:09:00,315 And you're not a single mom. You're my wife. You're my baby. 2893 02:09:00,399 --> 02:09:03,109 I shouldn't be in China 2894 02:09:03,194 --> 02:09:06,446 trying to sell Oreos to people who don't want to fucking talk to me. 2895 02:09:06,530 --> 02:09:09,574 I'm gonna get a normal job. I'm gonna be just around the corner. 2896 02:09:09,659 --> 02:09:12,369 It's just gonna be you, me and the kids. 2897 02:09:12,703 --> 02:09:15,372 All I want is a fresh start. 2898 02:09:15,456 --> 02:09:16,456 Yeah. 2899 02:09:24,173 --> 02:09:25,590 (GRUNTING) Oh. 2900 02:09:25,675 --> 02:09:26,675 Yeah. 2901 02:09:30,721 --> 02:09:33,306 The George Simmons thing was just a flirtation. 2902 02:09:33,391 --> 02:09:37,394 It was nothing. He really was sick. He just got better. 2903 02:09:38,396 --> 02:09:40,271 I'm so fucking glad. Yeah. 2904 02:09:40,356 --> 02:09:43,608 I really like him. I do. I don't want to hate him. 2905 02:09:44,568 --> 02:09:46,403 I fucking love you. 2906 02:09:54,662 --> 02:09:55,745 Ira! 2907 02:09:58,165 --> 02:09:59,874 Hey! 2908 02:09:59,959 --> 02:10:00,959 What are you doing here? 2909 02:10:01,043 --> 02:10:02,293 (CHUCKLING) 2910 02:10:02,378 --> 02:10:04,671 I'm going back to Los Angeles. 2911 02:10:05,423 --> 02:10:06,423 LA? 2912 02:10:06,507 --> 02:10:07,757 Yeah. 2913 02:10:07,842 --> 02:10:09,926 You're in the Great China Air First Class Lounge, mate. 2914 02:10:10,010 --> 02:10:11,010 What are you doing? 2915 02:10:11,095 --> 02:10:14,431 Oh. Shit, this is a confusing airport. 2916 02:10:14,515 --> 02:10:17,267 I thought this was Panda Express. 2917 02:10:17,351 --> 02:10:20,061 Well, it's good to see you guys, though. 2918 02:10:20,146 --> 02:10:23,273 What's going on? Laura? 2919 02:10:23,357 --> 02:10:26,526 What the hell is going on? 2920 02:10:26,610 --> 02:10:28,111 Uh... Ask her. 2921 02:10:28,821 --> 02:10:31,072 I was so mad at you for the way that you've been treating me 2922 02:10:31,157 --> 02:10:34,242 that I was on my way here to tell you tonight 2923 02:10:34,326 --> 02:10:36,327 to find another place to live when you got back. 2924 02:10:36,412 --> 02:10:37,662 But then... I came here to stop her. 2925 02:10:37,747 --> 02:10:38,788 CLARKE: Shut the fuck up. 2926 02:10:38,873 --> 02:10:41,875 I slept with George once, but it's over. 2927 02:10:41,959 --> 02:10:44,586 It's done. And it was no big deal. 2928 02:10:44,670 --> 02:10:45,712 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 2929 02:10:45,796 --> 02:10:49,382 We didn't even have sex. He just went down on me. 2930 02:10:49,467 --> 02:10:50,925 (SIGHS) That's worse. 2931 02:10:51,010 --> 02:10:52,051 CLARKE: Crikey. 2932 02:10:52,136 --> 02:10:54,637 He manipulated me with his disease! 2933 02:10:56,390 --> 02:10:59,017 Where is he? George, where is he? 2934 02:10:59,101 --> 02:11:00,560 He's at your house. 2935 02:11:00,644 --> 02:11:03,313 He's at our house? With our kids? 2936 02:11:03,981 --> 02:11:05,607 LAURA: Please don't get that look on your face. 2937 02:11:05,691 --> 02:11:07,066 Please don't get that look on your face. 2938 02:11:07,151 --> 02:11:08,193 It was a mistake. I'm gonna kill him. 2939 02:11:08,277 --> 02:11:10,403 No, no, no, no, no. 2940 02:11:10,488 --> 02:11:11,946 I'm sorry. 2941 02:11:12,031 --> 02:11:13,072 You're sorry? 2942 02:11:13,157 --> 02:11:14,365 I came here to stop... Who are you? 2943 02:11:14,492 --> 02:11:15,617 I don't know. Who are you? 2944 02:11:15,701 --> 02:11:17,368 What are you doing here? 2945 02:11:17,453 --> 02:11:18,828 I was trying to help you. 2946 02:11:18,913 --> 02:11:20,413 Get the fuck out of my life! 2947 02:11:20,498 --> 02:11:22,165 Okay. 2948 02:11:22,249 --> 02:11:26,961 Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. 2949 02:11:27,046 --> 02:11:33,051 Where is it? Where is it? Oh, God, where is it? 2950 02:11:33,260 --> 02:11:37,180 So stupid! Stupid shit! 2951 02:11:40,768 --> 02:11:44,145 I wanted to tell you I miss you. I miss your kisses. 2952 02:11:44,230 --> 02:11:47,941 I miss your short skirts. And I miss your smell. 2953 02:11:51,111 --> 02:11:52,654 Get the BabyBjörn. 2954 02:11:52,696 --> 02:11:55,240 (GIRLS LAUGHING) We're gonna go find that wizard. 2955 02:11:55,324 --> 02:11:58,117 Hey, girls. You look so cute. 2956 02:11:59,161 --> 02:12:00,787 You, outside. 2957 02:12:00,871 --> 02:12:01,830 Is he in trouble? 2958 02:12:01,914 --> 02:12:03,081 Yes. 2959 02:12:09,797 --> 02:12:11,381 What's gonna happen? I don't know. 2960 02:12:11,465 --> 02:12:12,799 What do you think I did? 2961 02:12:12,883 --> 02:12:13,925 Oh, shit! 2962 02:12:14,009 --> 02:12:15,844 Your friend sold you out, mate! 2963 02:12:15,928 --> 02:12:16,970 LAURA: No, no, no, Clarke! 2964 02:12:17,054 --> 02:12:18,763 CLARKE: You think this is a game? Stop it! 2965 02:12:18,848 --> 02:12:19,806 What'd you think you were gonna do? 2966 02:12:19,890 --> 02:12:21,724 Come in and just fuck up my family? 2967 02:12:21,851 --> 02:12:23,601 IRA: Stop it! CLARKE: Is that what you thought? 2968 02:12:23,686 --> 02:12:24,727 Stop it. Stop. No, no, no, no! 2969 02:12:24,770 --> 02:12:26,646 GEORGE: I didn't fucking do anything! This sort of shit I kill for! 2970 02:12:26,730 --> 02:12:28,022 Don't kill him! Don't kill him! 2971 02:12:28,107 --> 02:12:29,649 You stupid shit! 2972 02:12:29,733 --> 02:12:30,692 No! 2973 02:12:30,776 --> 02:12:31,818 Fuck, man! 2974 02:12:31,902 --> 02:12:33,528 Come here! Run, George! 2975 02:12:33,612 --> 02:12:35,780 Don't hurt him, you maniac! 2976 02:12:36,907 --> 02:12:38,199 Cut the shit, guys! 2977 02:12:38,284 --> 02:12:39,284 Stop it! 2978 02:12:40,619 --> 02:12:43,788 IRA: Run, George! You're cornering yourself! Go that way! 2979 02:12:43,914 --> 02:12:45,248 Get away from me! Take it like a man, George! 2980 02:12:45,332 --> 02:12:47,208 Get away from me, you fucking crazy asshole! 2981 02:12:47,293 --> 02:12:51,254 You fucking asshole! Get away! 2982 02:12:51,338 --> 02:12:52,839 Oh, my God. 2983 02:12:52,923 --> 02:12:54,966 She's not happy with you! 2984 02:12:55,050 --> 02:12:57,844 No one who's married is happy, you idiot! 2985 02:12:58,637 --> 02:13:01,014 Get in a ball, George! Get in a ball! 2986 02:13:01,098 --> 02:13:02,724 Fight like a man! Get on your feet, would you? 2987 02:13:02,808 --> 02:13:05,810 I don't know how to fight! I'm a comedian, you fucking asshole! 2988 02:13:05,895 --> 02:13:06,853 Should I jump in? 2989 02:13:06,937 --> 02:13:08,688 No! No! Don’t jump in! 2990 02:13:08,772 --> 02:13:10,732 Just get away from me, man! You traitor! 2991 02:13:10,816 --> 02:13:12,901 Go get more cigarettes, you liar! 2992 02:13:12,985 --> 02:13:14,235 IRA: I accomplished nothing! 2993 02:13:14,320 --> 02:13:16,237 They made up before I got there! 2994 02:13:16,322 --> 02:13:17,363 (BOTH GRUNTING) 2995 02:13:17,448 --> 02:13:19,449 Where's your helmet now, Yankee? 2996 02:13:19,533 --> 02:13:22,035 Let's talk! Clarke! 2997 02:13:22,119 --> 02:13:23,703 LAURA: Clarke, no! 2998 02:13:23,787 --> 02:13:25,663 Come on, pussy! 2999 02:13:25,748 --> 02:13:26,748 Help! 3000 02:13:27,791 --> 02:13:29,000 All right! 3001 02:13:29,084 --> 02:13:30,084 Stop! 3002 02:13:30,169 --> 02:13:31,920 IRA: I got him! I got him! You don't want this, Schmira. 3003 02:13:32,004 --> 02:13:33,755 You don't want a piece of me, Schmira! 3004 02:13:33,839 --> 02:13:35,548 I am gonna love this! 3005 02:13:35,966 --> 02:13:37,008 (GROANS) 3006 02:13:37,092 --> 02:13:38,468 God! 3007 02:13:38,552 --> 02:13:41,220 You son of a bitch! I knew you didn't want me to be happy! 3008 02:13:41,305 --> 02:13:44,390 What are you doing, man? Look at this! You fucking suck! 3009 02:13:44,475 --> 02:13:45,934 You've gone crazy! You're a lightweight... 3010 02:13:46,018 --> 02:13:47,185 Get away from me, man! 3011 02:13:47,269 --> 02:13:49,729 ...named Ira Wiener! Ira Wiener! 3012 02:13:49,813 --> 02:13:51,731 You should have died! Well, I ain't going nowhere! 3013 02:13:51,857 --> 02:13:53,483 I'm never gonna die! I hope you die! 3014 02:13:53,525 --> 02:13:55,276 I'm never gonna die, baby! Die! 3015 02:13:55,361 --> 02:13:56,569 Boys, stop it! IRA: I hope you die! I hate you! 3016 02:13:56,654 --> 02:13:58,112 I know what you're trying to do, the pair of you! 3017 02:13:58,197 --> 02:14:00,198 You're trying to distract me so I won't hit him! 3018 02:14:00,282 --> 02:14:01,574 Lackey! Lackey! 3019 02:14:01,659 --> 02:14:02,700 IRA: Wait! 3020 02:14:02,785 --> 02:14:04,744 Oh, shit, Clarke! Dude! 3021 02:14:04,828 --> 02:14:06,079 Are you okay, George? 3022 02:14:06,163 --> 02:14:07,997 Where's your stunt man now, hey? 3023 02:14:08,082 --> 02:14:09,082 Stop it! 3024 02:14:09,166 --> 02:14:11,626 Will you stop hitting me? 3025 02:14:12,711 --> 02:14:15,338 I'm better now, but it can come back! 3026 02:14:17,007 --> 02:14:19,467 Laura, tell him. Tell him what you told me. 3027 02:14:19,969 --> 02:14:23,429 Tell him that you love me more than you love him. Tell him! 3028 02:14:23,639 --> 02:14:24,764 Yeah, when she told you that, 3029 02:14:24,848 --> 02:14:27,016 did she think you were dying, huh? 3030 02:14:27,726 --> 02:14:30,311 Tell him. Tell him. Is it me or him? 3031 02:14:33,315 --> 02:14:34,649 Him. 3032 02:14:34,733 --> 02:14:39,153 What? Come on! Are you serious? 3033 02:14:40,072 --> 02:14:43,199 He's my husband. We have a family. 3034 02:14:44,034 --> 02:14:45,535 I love him. 3035 02:14:45,995 --> 02:14:49,288 And you didn't even cry when Mable sang Cats. 3036 02:14:49,873 --> 02:14:51,457 What's the matter with you? 3037 02:14:52,126 --> 02:14:54,502 I didn't want to lie. I don't know. 3038 02:14:54,586 --> 02:14:56,963 I've seen it on Broadway before. 3039 02:14:58,257 --> 02:15:00,258 It wasn't as good as it. 3040 02:15:01,885 --> 02:15:04,137 What are you guys doing on the lawn? 3041 02:15:04,221 --> 02:15:05,805 I'm hungry! 3042 02:15:06,515 --> 02:15:09,600 Nothing. We're just... We're just mucking around. 3043 02:15:09,685 --> 02:15:11,728 Come on. Go back inside. 3044 02:15:18,068 --> 02:15:22,155 Sorry, George. I'll always love you. 3045 02:15:23,157 --> 02:15:25,366 But what are we gonna do? 3046 02:15:25,451 --> 02:15:26,951 I love you. 3047 02:15:27,828 --> 02:15:30,204 I'm sorry I came up here. I shouldn't have come. 3048 02:15:31,331 --> 02:15:32,999 No, I'm glad you did. 3049 02:15:34,209 --> 02:15:35,918 Maybe when we're 70? 3050 02:15:38,255 --> 02:15:40,423 I hope you find a way to be happy. 3051 02:15:40,924 --> 02:15:43,885 Shit. He's coming back. He's coming back. Let's go. 3052 02:15:44,553 --> 02:15:45,928 LAURA: Clarke. 3053 02:15:46,013 --> 02:15:49,807 You know what? I've just worked out why all this shit has happened. 3054 02:15:49,892 --> 02:15:52,101 In the East, they call this karma. 3055 02:15:52,186 --> 02:15:56,355 And I have brought all this shit upon us with my misbehavior. 3056 02:15:56,440 --> 02:15:58,608 That's why all this shit has happened. 3057 02:15:59,193 --> 02:16:00,902 This had to happen. 3058 02:16:01,612 --> 02:16:03,946 But some good shit's gonna come from this. 3059 02:16:04,364 --> 02:16:06,866 We have to learn from this, you know, all of us. 3060 02:16:06,950 --> 02:16:08,910 There's a good lesson here. 3061 02:16:10,287 --> 02:16:12,914 Underneath anger is hurt, 3062 02:16:13,957 --> 02:16:17,293 but underneath hurt is love. 3063 02:16:18,003 --> 02:16:19,462 You feel it? 3064 02:16:22,591 --> 02:16:23,841 Okay? 3065 02:16:23,926 --> 02:16:24,967 Yeah. Thank you. 3066 02:16:25,052 --> 02:16:26,052 I'm sorry about this. 3067 02:16:26,136 --> 02:16:29,138 Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it. 3068 02:16:45,114 --> 02:16:46,155 Do you want me to drive? 3069 02:16:46,240 --> 02:16:47,240 (SIGHS) 3070 02:16:47,324 --> 02:16:50,493 No, you don't have to drive me. I'll drive myself. 3071 02:16:51,495 --> 02:16:55,748 In fact, you're never gonna have to drive me again because you're fired, Ira. 3072 02:16:56,125 --> 02:16:58,376 You're the only person that I've ever heard of 3073 02:16:58,460 --> 02:17:00,586 that learned nothing from a near-death experience, George. 3074 02:17:00,671 --> 02:17:02,255 You went backwards. You're worse. 3075 02:17:02,339 --> 02:17:04,590 You know what I am? A good friend. 3076 02:17:04,675 --> 02:17:07,885 I would never run to the airport and rat somebody out. 3077 02:17:08,220 --> 02:17:11,931 I don't have that in my DNA. That's not a friend, man. 3078 02:17:12,015 --> 02:17:14,350 A friend tells you. A friend comes up to you and says, 3079 02:17:14,434 --> 02:17:16,602 "Hey, you're in a heap of shit. You better not do it." 3080 02:17:16,687 --> 02:17:19,689 He doesn't run and tell the fucking girl. 3081 02:17:19,773 --> 02:17:20,815 Well... Wow. 3082 02:17:20,899 --> 02:17:22,984 Good. Fire me. I don't want to be around you anymore, 3083 02:17:23,068 --> 02:17:25,236 'cause you are fucking contagious! 3084 02:17:25,320 --> 02:17:27,572 You think I can't get another assistant? 3085 02:17:27,656 --> 02:17:30,241 I can't get someone else to write jokes for me? 3086 02:17:30,325 --> 02:17:34,203 You think I'm gonna lay in my bed going, "Aw, I miss my Schmira"? 3087 02:17:34,705 --> 02:17:37,707 You're a fucking no-thought. That's the beauty. 3088 02:17:37,791 --> 02:17:40,501 Once you're gone it never comes back in my brain. 3089 02:17:40,586 --> 02:17:42,128 You think getting Laura would have made you happy? 3090 02:17:42,212 --> 02:17:44,088 I know so. You think if you had a family right now, 3091 02:17:44,173 --> 02:17:45,464 you would be happy? 3092 02:17:45,549 --> 02:17:48,759 You'll never be happy, 'cause you're always gonna be stuck with yourself! 3093 02:17:48,844 --> 02:17:51,929 Unless somehow you can get away from you, 3094 02:17:52,014 --> 02:17:54,473 you're always gonna be miserable, George. 3095 02:17:54,558 --> 02:17:56,601 You are not funny. 3096 02:17:56,685 --> 02:17:58,811 Well, if that means I'm less like you, 3097 02:17:58,896 --> 02:18:01,230 then good, I don't want to be funny, okay? 3098 02:18:01,732 --> 02:18:03,733 Mission accomplished, Ira. 3099 02:18:05,235 --> 02:18:06,819 Bad career choice. 3100 02:18:07,446 --> 02:18:10,573 Comedy usually is for funny people. 3101 02:18:10,657 --> 02:18:11,908 Gotcha. 3102 02:18:16,580 --> 02:18:17,788 (SIGHS) 3103 02:18:29,092 --> 02:18:30,426 (TIRES SCREECHING) 3104 02:18:30,510 --> 02:18:31,761 (GROANS) 3105 02:19:11,385 --> 02:19:13,886 Chances are you've got a lot of stuff stuffed in your drawers and closets 3106 02:19:13,971 --> 02:19:15,012 that you don't really need. 3107 02:19:15,097 --> 02:19:17,807 Mary Bolster is editor-in-chief of Natural Health magazine. 3108 02:19:18,058 --> 02:19:20,977 She's here to help you get trashing, bagging and get organized. 3109 02:19:21,061 --> 02:19:22,687 Hello, Mary. MARY: Hi, Hoda. 3110 02:19:22,771 --> 02:19:25,940 HODA: Okay, we do save things for the wackiest reasons. 3111 02:19:29,486 --> 02:19:31,153 (WHISPERING) Good morning. Hi. 3112 02:19:33,156 --> 02:19:35,449 I think I'm gonna forgive him today. 3113 02:19:35,534 --> 02:19:36,909 What? Really? Yeah. 3114 02:19:36,994 --> 02:19:39,161 Great! That's great news! 3115 02:19:39,246 --> 02:19:41,831 He's just gonna be so jealous that I'm on Yo Teach! You know? 3116 02:19:41,915 --> 02:19:43,833 I just figured it'd be a cool thing to do. 3117 02:19:43,917 --> 02:19:46,877 Well, maybe we could find something for him. 3118 02:19:47,337 --> 02:19:51,424 You know, if it comes up organically, definitely, but we shouldn't force it. 3119 02:19:51,508 --> 02:19:52,758 You know? Right. 3120 02:19:52,843 --> 02:19:54,844 I don't want to be on Yo Teach! 3121 02:19:56,013 --> 02:19:57,638 It's okay. I forgave you, you know? 3122 02:19:57,723 --> 02:19:58,848 Thank you. 3123 02:20:00,017 --> 02:20:03,853 So, how'd everything go up there this weekend? 3124 02:20:04,521 --> 02:20:09,567 I think I did the right thing, but George fired me and punched me in the face. 3125 02:20:11,528 --> 02:20:13,112 You want to talk about it? 3126 02:20:13,196 --> 02:20:14,196 No. 3127 02:20:15,699 --> 02:20:19,076 I kind of wish you would. It sounds like the greatest story, ever. 3128 02:20:20,787 --> 02:20:23,164 Wake me up at 2:00. I'll tell you about it. 3129 02:20:24,207 --> 02:20:26,792 Well, we're glad you're back. 3130 02:20:26,877 --> 02:20:28,210 Glad you're home. 3131 02:20:28,295 --> 02:20:30,880 I can't believe I have to start all over again. 3132 02:20:32,007 --> 02:20:34,633 Hey, man, how you doing? 3133 02:20:34,926 --> 02:20:36,177 Hey, how you doing? Heard you were sick. 3134 02:20:36,261 --> 02:20:38,095 You feeling better now? Over here! 3135 02:20:38,180 --> 02:20:40,639 MAN: George, second lease on life. What are you gonna do now? 3136 02:20:40,766 --> 02:20:41,849 Hey, guys, come on. Come on, I heard rumors 3137 02:20:41,933 --> 02:20:43,309 about another baby movie. What do you got, huh? 3138 02:20:43,393 --> 02:20:45,436 Yeah, yeah, we're gonna shoot that. That should be good. 3139 02:20:45,520 --> 02:20:47,480 Gonna start that in a little bit. Let me get by you, though. 3140 02:20:59,826 --> 02:21:01,494 It's nice up here, huh? 3141 02:21:01,578 --> 02:21:03,704 Yeah. How'd you find it? 3142 02:21:04,873 --> 02:21:07,666 Me and my friends, we hike up here and I always thought, 3143 02:21:07,751 --> 02:21:08,918 "You know, that'd be a great place to take 3144 02:21:09,002 --> 02:21:11,545 "a woman if you... If you knew one." 3145 02:21:12,714 --> 02:21:13,798 Well, now you know one. 3146 02:21:13,882 --> 02:21:14,924 Good. 3147 02:21:26,269 --> 02:21:28,104 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 3148 02:21:30,482 --> 02:21:31,524 Hey, I'm gonna give him the light. 3149 02:21:31,608 --> 02:21:32,608 Thanks, Mark. 3150 02:21:34,486 --> 02:21:36,195 Bailey, you're number two. 3151 02:21:43,078 --> 02:21:44,912 Hey, Ira. How you doing? 3152 02:21:44,996 --> 02:21:45,996 Good. How you doing? 3153 02:21:46,081 --> 02:21:47,164 RANDY: Wassup, big money? 3154 02:21:47,249 --> 02:21:48,374 You guys know each other? 3155 02:21:48,458 --> 02:21:50,960 Yes. I've seen this young Jewish comedian. 3156 02:21:51,461 --> 02:21:53,170 Randy, what's happening? 3157 02:21:53,255 --> 02:21:56,465 I saw this cat down at Otto's yesterday. Made me a little panini. 3158 02:21:57,342 --> 02:21:59,927 Grilled chicken pesto. Shit was nice. 3159 02:22:00,303 --> 02:22:02,513 Yeah, I'm working at Otto's again. 3160 02:22:03,473 --> 02:22:04,890 GEORGE: So, you're going up? 3161 02:22:05,183 --> 02:22:07,810 Yeah, I'm about to go up now. See you guys. 3162 02:22:09,521 --> 02:22:10,688 Later! 3163 02:22:12,482 --> 02:22:14,733 Thank you. Thank you. 3164 02:22:14,818 --> 02:22:18,320 My friends are very sexually aggressive, which is hard for me. 3165 02:22:18,405 --> 02:22:20,239 You know, we'll watch television and they'll just see... 3166 02:22:20,323 --> 02:22:22,241 A hot girl will come on and they'll just be, 3167 02:22:22,325 --> 02:22:25,786 "Man, I wanna fuck the shit out of that girl, man! 3168 02:22:25,871 --> 02:22:27,580 "I'm gonna fuck that girl!" 3169 02:22:27,664 --> 02:22:28,873 And I, like, can't even say that. 3170 02:22:28,957 --> 02:22:30,458 I can't even pretend I would do that. 3171 02:22:30,542 --> 02:22:31,917 I see a hot girl on TV and I'm like, 3172 02:22:32,002 --> 02:22:35,379 "Man, I would friend the shit out of her! 3173 02:22:36,548 --> 02:22:41,385 "I'd friend her all night! I would be her girlfriend! 3174 02:22:41,845 --> 02:22:44,847 "I would drive her to the airport, man! 3175 02:22:46,183 --> 02:22:50,144 "I would hold her purse while she shopped, all over her tits!" 3176 02:22:50,437 --> 02:22:52,271 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 3177 02:22:57,027 --> 02:22:58,360 Thank you. 3178 02:22:59,362 --> 02:23:02,865 Hi, I need a pound of turkey and a half-pint of macaroni salad, please. 3179 02:23:04,034 --> 02:23:04,992 (CLEARS THROAT) 3180 02:23:05,076 --> 02:23:07,203 Um... Yeah, I'll just be one sec, okay? 3181 02:23:07,287 --> 02:23:08,746 Okay, thanks. 3182 02:23:09,706 --> 02:23:11,540 (IMITATING OLD WOMAN) The last time I came here, 3183 02:23:11,625 --> 02:23:15,252 the roast beef you gave me had the string still around it 3184 02:23:15,337 --> 02:23:20,049 and I was unaware of this and fed it to my husband, and he choked. 3185 02:23:23,595 --> 02:23:25,221 How's it going, George? 3186 02:23:26,556 --> 02:23:30,100 You get a break or anything where you can talk? 3187 02:23:30,185 --> 02:23:33,812 Okay, yeah. Sure. Chuck, I'll be one sec, okay, man? 3188 02:23:35,649 --> 02:23:37,066 Shit. 3189 02:23:38,068 --> 02:23:39,068 (CLICKS) 3190 02:23:42,489 --> 02:23:43,739 (SIGHS) 3191 02:23:49,371 --> 02:23:51,914 So, you had to get your job back here, huh? 3192 02:23:53,500 --> 02:23:57,586 Yeah. You know, I figured I could use a little job stability. 3193 02:23:58,088 --> 02:23:59,922 Oh, I'm sorry. 3194 02:24:00,131 --> 02:24:03,509 I get health insurance. It's pretty good. 3195 02:24:04,135 --> 02:24:10,432 So, I thought a lot about what you said in the car to me. 3196 02:24:11,393 --> 02:24:15,104 A few of those things might have been accurate. 3197 02:24:15,981 --> 02:24:19,858 You tried to help me and I'm sorry I put you in the middle of all that stuff. 3198 02:24:20,443 --> 02:24:23,237 I'm better in my body. 3199 02:24:23,321 --> 02:24:27,116 My brain has a ways to go, though. 3200 02:24:29,286 --> 02:24:31,912 How are you doing, though? You're doing okay? 3201 02:24:35,750 --> 02:24:37,251 I don't know, Ira. 3202 02:24:41,756 --> 02:24:42,756 I... 3203 02:24:43,341 --> 02:24:46,760 I caught your whole set the other night, Ira. Nice. 3204 02:24:47,387 --> 02:24:49,054 Yeah, yeah, no, you're getting a rhythm. 3205 02:24:49,139 --> 02:24:53,267 You're starting to be the Ira I like in real life onstage. 3206 02:24:53,351 --> 02:24:56,061 Thanks. Yeah, I've been getting up a lot lately, so it's going well. 3207 02:24:56,146 --> 02:24:59,315 Yeah, you were funny, and it was a fart-free set. 3208 02:24:59,649 --> 02:25:03,569 I wrote some stuff down that night that... Some jokes. 3209 02:25:03,653 --> 02:25:05,404 You want to hear it? 3210 02:25:05,488 --> 02:25:07,239 You what? 3211 02:25:07,324 --> 02:25:10,618 I couldn't stop thinking of jokes for you last night. It was bizarre. 3212 02:25:11,286 --> 02:25:14,330 I'm not saying they're good jokes, but I try. 3213 02:25:16,291 --> 02:25:17,708 You actually wrote them down! 3214 02:25:17,792 --> 02:25:20,419 Yeah, yeah, yeah. My fucking memory's horrible. 3215 02:25:21,087 --> 02:25:25,049 That thing you did about the Wii Fit thing. What's that? 3216 02:25:25,175 --> 02:25:27,092 Oh, like, "My video game..." Yeah. 3217 02:25:27,177 --> 02:25:28,927 "My video game told me I'm fat?" 3218 02:25:29,054 --> 02:25:30,888 Yeah, yeah, yeah. "The ultimate betrayal." Yeah. 3219 02:25:30,972 --> 02:25:35,601 Right, right. You could maybe say, "I mean, that's like my pot telling me I'm lazy." 3220 02:25:35,727 --> 02:25:36,935 Oh, that's really funny. 3221 02:25:37,020 --> 02:25:38,979 "And the Wii is similar to my grandmother. 3222 02:25:39,064 --> 02:25:40,898 "She used to tell me I'm getting chubby 3223 02:25:40,982 --> 02:25:44,026 "and then bring me chicken parmesan and say, 'Why are you so fat?"' 3224 02:25:44,110 --> 02:25:45,194 (LAUGHING) 3225 02:25:45,278 --> 02:25:46,445 That's really funny! 3226 02:25:46,529 --> 02:25:49,698 It's true. The video game made me fat and... It is like my grandmother. 3227 02:25:49,783 --> 02:25:50,824 All right. "Why are you so fat? 3228 02:25:50,909 --> 02:25:52,701 "Here's four gallons of chocolate milk." 3229 02:25:52,786 --> 02:25:54,244 That's good! She would always do that. 3230 02:25:54,371 --> 02:25:56,246 That's good. I got one I've been afraid to tell, 3231 02:25:56,331 --> 02:26:00,125 kind of, about, like, Viagra. It's like, "My grandfather takes Viagra 3232 02:26:00,210 --> 02:26:03,128 "and he thought he was tittie-fucking my grandmother..." 3233 02:26:03,254 --> 02:26:04,797 Yeah? "But then he realized he was tittie-fucking 3234 02:26:04,881 --> 02:26:05,839 "his own balls." 3235 02:26:05,924 --> 02:26:07,508 (BOTH LAUGHING) 3236 02:26:07,842 --> 02:26:09,134 That's funny! You got to do that! 3237 02:26:09,219 --> 02:26:10,511 That's pretty funny, huh? 3238 02:26:10,595 --> 02:26:13,305 You got to say that the thing... That when you're that old 3239 02:26:13,390 --> 02:26:15,808 and you have a boner that there's not a good position, you know? 3240 02:26:15,892 --> 02:26:17,101 That's funny! That's really... 3241 02:26:17,185 --> 02:26:18,727 You do it doggy-style, your knees hurt. 3242 02:26:18,812 --> 02:26:20,688 You get water on your knee. 3243 02:26:20,772 --> 02:26:22,564 "I can't even hold myself up in..." Exactly. 3244 02:26:22,649 --> 02:26:24,566 "What would an old man do?" Yeah... 3245 02:26:24,734 --> 02:26:26,735 (ACOUSTIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYLNG) 3246 02:28:36,950 --> 02:28:38,617 WARREN ZEVON: Let's do another bad one then 3247 02:28:38,701 --> 02:28:42,329 'cause I like it when the blood drains from David's face. 3248 02:28:42,622 --> 02:28:44,581 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYLNG) 3249 02:30:39,989 --> 02:30:40,948 MABLE: Okay. 3250 02:30:41,032 --> 02:30:43,075 (SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING) 3251 02:31:08,893 --> 02:31:15,273 (SINGING) Burnt-out ends of smoky days 3252 02:31:15,358 --> 02:31:21,196 The stale cold smell of morning 3253 02:31:22,699 --> 02:31:29,037 The streetlamp dies, another night is over 3254 02:31:29,664 --> 02:31:35,335 Another day is dawning 3255 02:31:37,046 --> 02:31:42,467 Touch me It's so easy to leave me 3256 02:31:43,011 --> 02:31:49,558 All alone with the memory Of my days in the sun 3257 02:31:50,893 --> 02:31:57,232 If you touch me You'll understand what happiness is 3258 02:31:58,401 --> 02:32:02,904 Look, a new day 3259 02:32:02,989 --> 02:32:07,743 has begun