It started with a chair.
I've wanted this for a really long time.
I know.
Wizard.
Jeez, Banana. Shut your frigging gob, okay?
This is the most magnificent discarded living-room set I've ever seen.
Well, well. If it isn't MacGuff the Crime Dog.
Back for another test?
The first was defective. The plus sign looks like a division symbol.
So I remain unconvinced.
Third test today, Mama Bear. Your eggo is preggo, no doubt about it.
It's really easy to tell. Is your nipples real brown?
Yeah. Maybe your little boyfriend's got mutant sperms. Knocked you up twice.
Silencio, old man.
Look, I just drank my weight in SunnyD and I gotta go pronto.
Well, you know where the lavatory is.
Pay for that pee stick when you're done.
Don't think it's yours because you marked it with your urine.
What's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle? Minus or plus?
I don't know. It's not seasoned yet.
I'll take some of these.
No. There it is.
That little pink plus sign is so unholy.
That ain't no Etch A Sketch.
This is one doodle that can't be undid, home skillet.
- I'm a suicide risk. - Juno?
No, it's Morgan Freeman. Do you have bones that need collecting?
Only the one in my pants.
I'm pregnant.
What? Honest to blog?
Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleeker's.
It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?
No, this is not a food baby, all right?
I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I am for shiz up the spout.
How did you generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing.
I don't know, I drank like 10 tons of SunnyD. Anyway, dude, I...
I'm telling you I'm pregnant, and you're acting shockingly cavalier.
Is this for real? Like for real, for real?
Unfortunately, yes.
Oh, my God. Oh, shit.
Phuket, Thailand.
There we go. That was the emotion I was searching for on the first take.
Are you gonna go to Havenbrooke or Women Now?
You need a note from your parents for Havenbrooke.
Yeah, I know.
No, I'm gonna go to Women Now just because they help out women now.
Want me to call for you? I called for Becky last year.
No, I can call. But I do need your help with something. It's critically important.
You know, heavy lifting can really only help you at this point.
Seriously.
You were bored? That's how this miracle came to be?
No. No, no. The act was premeditated.
I mean the sex, not the whole, like, "let's get pregnant" thing.
So when did you decide that you were gonna do Bleeker?
Well, like...
...a year ago, in Spanish class.
You love him.
It's... No, it's actually... It's really complicated, okay?
And I don't feel like talking about it in my fragile state.
So, what was it like humping Bleek's bony bod?
Magnificent.
Hey, Bleek.
Wicked tiger. He looks proud.
I swiped it from Ms. Rancik's lawn.
My, your shorts are, like, especially gold today.
My mom uses color-safe bleach.
Go, Carol.
I'll tell her.
When I see them running, with their things bouncing in their shorts...
...I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to. All I see is pork swords.
I'm supposed to be running.
So guess what.
What? I don't know.
I'm pregnant.
What should we do about...?
Well, you know, I was just... I was thinking I'd just nip it in the bud.
Before it gets worse.
Because they were talking about, in health class, how pregnancy...
...it can often lead to an infant.
Typically, yeah. Yeah.
That's what happens when our moms and teachers get pregnant.
So you're cool with that, then?
Yeah, yeah. Wizard, I mean, you know, just, I guess...
...do whatever you think you should do, you know?
Well, I'm sorry I had sex with you.
I know it wasn't, like, your idea.
What? Whose idea was it?
I'll see you at school, all right?
Whose idea was it?
- Your book fell apart. - Right.
It must have looked at your face.
The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo secretly wants me.
Jocks like him always want freaky girls.
Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and goth makeup.
Girls who, like, play the cello and read McSweeney's...
...and wanna be children's librarians when they grow up.
Oh, yeah, jocks totally eat that shit up.
They won't admit it because they're supposed to be into cheerleaders.
Like Leah, who incidentally is into teachers.
Me too! I love Woody Allen!
All right, all right.
All right, people. We're doing chromatography lab today.
So find your partners and break into groups of four.
Well, there's nothing like experimenting.
I did the prep questions for this lab, so you can copy my answers...
Oh, I couldn't copy your work.
You copy my work every week.
True. I'm kind of a deadbeat lab partner.
I think you definitely bring something to the table.
Charisma.
So who's ready for some chromomagnificence?
I have a menstrual migraine, so I can't look at bright lights.
Amanda, I told you to go to the infirmary and lie down. You never listen.
No, Josh, because I don't take orders. Not from you and not from any man.
You've been acting like this since I got back from my brother's in Mankato.
I told you, nothing happened.
I'm gonna set up the apparatus. Juno, do you wanna plug in the Bunsen burner?
- My pleasure. - I'm going to the infirmary.
- Call when you get off the rag. - Fine!
Call when you learn to love instead of cheat at your brother's...
...because you had four Smirnoff Ices and Snow Peak Peach Boone's.
Good, Amanda. I'll be sure to do that. I'll make a note of it.
I've actually heard that the Snow Peak Peach flavor...
...is the best flavor of Boone's.
Isn't that right, Bleek?
Hey, yeah, I'm just calling to procure a hasty abortion.
What?
Can you just hold on for a second? I'm on my hamburger phone.
Okay, yeah, now I can...
Yeah, it's just, like, really awkward to talk on.
Yeah, yeah, I need an abortion.
I'm 16.
I'm gonna say it's been about two months and four days since the sex.
Mind you, that's just, like, a guesstimation.
I'm sorry, how long have I been what?
I hate it when adults use the term "sexually active."
What does it even mean?
Can I deactivate someday, or is this some sort of permanent state of being?
I guess Bleeker went live that night and that's why he got that look on his face.
You should have seen this octopus furnace at work.
I had to get on my HAZMAT suit just to get into the thing.
My dad used to be in the Army, but now he's just your average HVAC specialist.
He and my mom got divorced when I was like 5...
...and she lives on a Havasu reservation with her husband and replacement kids.
And she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine's Day.
And I'm like, "Thanks a heap, Coyote Ugly.
This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment."
That's my stepmom, Bren. She's completely obsessed with dogs...
...owns a nail salon, and always smells like methyl methacrylate.
So, Juno, how was your little maneuver last night?
The one where I moved an entire living-room set...
...from one lawn to the other...
...or the one where I downed a 64-ounce blue slushie in 10 minutes?
Juno, did you by any chance barf in my urn?
You know that nice urn by the door? The one I got up in Stillwater?
There was some blue shit... I mean gunk... Stuff in there this morning.
I would never barf in your urn, Brenda.
I mean, maybe L.B. did it.
Liberty Bell, put one more Bac-O on that potato, I'm gonna kick your monkey butt.
All babies want to get borned! All babies want to get borned!
Hey, Su-Chin.
Oh, hi, Juno. How are you?
You know, pretty solid.
So did you write that paper for Worth's class yet?
No, not yet.
I tried to work on it last night, but I'm having trouble concentrating.
Oh, well, I'll sell you some of my Adderall.
No, thanks. I'm off pills.
That's a wise choice, because I knew this girl, she had this crazy freak-out...
...because she took too many meds at once...
...and she just ripped off her clothes, dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall...
...and was like, "I am a kraken from the sea!"
I heard that was you.
Well, it's good seeing you, Su-Chin.
Your baby probably has a beating heart, you know.
It can feel pain.
And it has fingernails!
Fingernails? Really?
Welcome to Women Now, where women are trusted friends.
Please put your hands where I can see them and surrender any bombs.
Hey, I'm here for the big show.
Your name, please?
Juno MacGuff.
She thinks I'm using a fake name, like Gene Simmons or Mother Teresa.
I need you to fill these out, and don't skip the hairy details.
We need to know about every score and every sore.
Would you like a free condom? They're boysenberry.
No, I'm off sex right now.
My boyfriend uses them every time we have intercourse.
They make his junk smell like pie.
All babies want to get borned! All babies want to...
God appreciates your miracle!
Dude, what are you doing here? I'm supposed to come get you at 4.
I couldn't do it, Leah. It smelled like a dentist's office in there.
And there were horrible magazines with water stains.
The receptionist tried to get me to take condoms that look like grape suckers...
...and just babbling away about her frigging boyfriend's pie balls.
And Su-Chin was there. And she was like, "Oh, hi. Babies have fingernails."
Fingernails.
That's gruesome. Do you think the baby can scratch your vag on the way out...?
I'm staying pregnant, Leah.
Dude. You gotta keep your voice down, okay?
My mom is inside. She doesn't know that we're sexually active.
What does that even mean? I've been thinking.
I was thinking I could have this baby and give it to someone that totally needs it.
Like a woman with a bum ovary, or a couple nice lesbos.
But then you're gonna get huge, and your chest is gonna milktate...
...and you're gonna have to, like, tell people that you're pregnant.
Maybe they'll canonize me for being so selfless.
Or maybe they'll, like, totally shit and be really, really mad...
...and not let you graduate or go to Cabo for spring break.
I was gonna go to Gettysburg with Bleeker anyway.
You should look at adoption ads. I see them all the time in the PennySaver.
They have ads for parents?
Yeah. "Desperately Seeking Spawn."
Right next to, like, terriers and iguanas and used fitness equipment and stuff.
It's, like, totally legit.
"Wholesome, spiritually wealthy couple have found true love with each other."
All that's missing is your bastard.
- I want a parakeet. - You're totally not even listening to me.
No, I heard you. I don't wanna give the baby to a family...
...that describes themselves as wholesome.
- Why? - I just want something a little edgier.
What did you have in mind exactly?
I was thinking more like graphic designer, mid-thirties...
...with a cool Asian girlfriend who dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass.
But I don't wanna be too particular.
Okay. How about this? "Educated, successful couple seeking infant...
...to join our family of five. You will be compensated.
Help us complete the circle of love." That sounds great.
They sound like a frigging cult.
They already have three kids. They're just greedy little bitches.
Juno, how about this one?
They were Mark and Vanessa Loring...
...and they were beautiful even in black and white.
- Hey, Paul. Are you coming to eat? - No, I don't think so.
You ran eight miles today, Puppy.
I'm not hungry, oddly.
But it's breakfast for supper. It's your favorite.
Yeah.
Juno MacGuff called while you were out running today.
You know how I feel about her.
Yeah, yeah. You mentioned it a couple times.
She's just different.
I know.
So I'm not really sure how I'm gonna spit this out.
Hon, did you get expelled?
No, the school would most likely contact you in the event of my expulsion.
Well, I was just asking. It seemed plausible.
What, do you need a large amount of money? Legal counsel?
I'm not asking for anything. Except for maybe mercy.
Like it would be frigging sweet if no one hit me.
What have you done? Hit someone with the Previa?
- No. - Dude, I think it's best to just tell them.
I'm pregnant.
Oh, God.
I'm gonna give it up for adoption. I already found the perfect couple.
They're gonna pay for the medical expenses and everything.
In thirty-odd weeks, we can just pretend that this never happened.
You're pregnant?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
And if it is any consolation...
...I have heartburn that is radiating to my kneecaps...
...and I haven't taken a dump since Wednesday.
Morning.
I didn't even know you were sexually active.
- Who is the kid? - The baby?
I don't really know much about it other than it has fingernails.
- Allegedly. - Nails? Really?
- Yeah. - No, I mean who is the father, Juno?
It's Paulie Bleeker.
Paulie Bleeker?
What?
- I didn't think he had it in him. - I know, right?
This is no laughing matter.
No, it's not. And, you know, Paulie is actually great in...
- Okay. - In chair.
You're thinking about adoption?
Yeah, yeah. And there's this couple, they haven't had...
They've been trying to have a kid for five years.
We found them in the PennySaver next to exotic birds.
They have a legitimate lawyer, and I was gonna go meet with them next weekend.
Junebug, that is a tough, tough thing to do.
It's probably tougher than you can understand right now.
No, I know.
And it's just that I'm not ready to be a mom.
Damn skippy. You don't even remember to give Liberty Bell her breathing meds.
That was once. And she did not die, if you recall.
Honey, had you considered, you know, the alternative?
No.
Well, you're a little Viking.
First things first. We have to get you healthy. You need prenatal vitamins.
Incidentally, they do incredible things for your nails, so that's a plus.
We'll schedule a doctor's appointment, figure out where you'll deliver.
Juno, I'm coming with you to meet this adoption couple.
You're a kid. I don't want you to get ripped off by baby-starved wing nuts.
Thanks, Dad.
Boy, I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when.
I don't really know what kind of girl I am.
Just tell it to me straight. You think this is my fault?
I think kids get bored and they have intercourse.
And I think Junebug was a dummy about it, Mac.
I am not ready to be a pop-pop.
You're not gonna be a pop-pop.
Somebody else is gonna find a precious blessing from Jesus...
...in this garbage dump of a situation.
Did you see that coming when she sat us down here?
Yeah. But I was hoping she was expelled or into drugs.
That was my first instinct too. Or a DWI. Anything but this.
And I'm gonna punch that Bleeker kid in the wiener.
Mac, come on. You know it wasn't his idea.
Yeah.
Hi. I'm Vanessa. You must be Juno and Mr. MacGuff.
Hi. Vanessa Loring.
It's Vanessa, right? Is that...?
Thanks for having me and my irresponsible child over to your house.
Oh, no, thank you. Thank you. Come on in.
- Can I take your coat or your hat? - Sure.
Oh, yeah. Sure, thanks.
Wicked pic in the PennySaver, by the way. Super-classy.
Not like those people with fake woods in the background. Who are they fooling?
- You found us in the PennySaver? - Hi. Mark Loring. I'm the husband.
- How do you do? Mac MacGuff. - Nice to meet you. Hi.
This is Gerta Rauss, our attorney.
Gerta Rauss.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
And this, of course, is Juno.
- Like the city in Alaska. - No.
No? Okay. Hon, should we sit down and get to know one another?
I thought I'd get drinks. What would you like?
I have Pellegrino or VitaminWater or orange juice with...
I'll have a Maker's Mark, please. Up.
She's kidding.
Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor.
Just one of her many genetic gifts.
I'll sit down.
So, Juno, first off, how far along are you?
I'm a junior.
No, I mean in your pregnancy.
Oh, right.
My stepmom took me yesterday to the doctor, and they said I was 12 weeks.
That's great. That's marvelous. So you're into your second trimester?
Yeah. Apparently. I'm due on May 4th.
Great. My girlfriends tell me that the first couple months are the hardest.
I didn't notice it at all, actually. I'm more concerned about...
...when they have to put that, like, elastic band in the front of my jeans.
I think pregnancy is beautiful.
Well, you're lucky it's not you.
Let's talk about how we're gonna do this thing.
What do you mean? Don't I just have the thing...
...squeeze it on out and hand it over?
Mark and Vanessa are willing to negotiate an open adoption.
Wait, what does that mean?
It means they'd send annual updates, photos...
...let Juno know how the baby is doing as he or she grows up.
Whoa, no, no, no. I don't want photos or any kind of notification.
You know? I mean, can't we just, like, kick this old-school?
I stick the baby in a basket, send it your way, like Moses in the reeds?
Technically, that would be kicking it Old Testament.
Exactly. Right? Do you know what I mean?
Like in the good old days, when it was quick and dirty.
Well, then we all agree.
A traditional closed adoption would be best for all involved.
Shit, yes. Just close her on up.
We would compensate you for all your medical expenses.
Are you looking for any other type of compensation?
Excuse me?
What? No. No, I don't want to, you know, sell the thing.
I just... I want...
I just want the baby to be with people who are gonna love it...
...and be good parents, you know?
I mean, I'm in high school.
Dude, I'm just... I'm ill-equipped.
Well, you're doing a beautiful and a selfless thing for us.
Vanessa's wanted a baby since we got married.
I wanna be a mommy so badly.
You don't say.
Have you ever felt like you were just born to do something?
Yes. Heating and air conditioning.
There you go. I was born to be a mother. Some of us are.
How about you, Mark? Are you looking forward to being a dad?
Betcha, yeah. Every guy wants to be a father...
...he wants to coach the soccer team...
...and help out with the science-fair thing, the volcano goes off...
Yeah. All that.
Maybe Gerta could take us through the preliminary documents you've drawn up?
Sweet, yeah. Could I use the facilities first?
Because being pregnant makes me pee like Seabiscuit.
Sure. The downstairs bathroom is being retiled.
But if you go upstairs, and then to the right...
Oh, yeah. The room with the toilet.
Is she all right?
- Oh, dude. - Hello, sorry.
- I didn't expect to see you. - Just came up to get something.
Did your wife send you up here to spy on me?
No. What? Do we come off as paranoid yuppies or something?
Well, I stole a squirt of your wife's perfume.
Really?
It's Clinique Happy. Get a whiff of those sparkling top notes.
Oh, yeah. That supposed to make me feel happy?
You should feel happy, homes.
I'm giving you and Vanessa the gift of life. Sweet, screaming, pooping life.
You don't have to be there when it's covered in...
- Viscera. - Blood and guts.
Is that a Les Paul?
Yes, it is. Vanessa gave me my own room for all my stuff.
She gave you your own room in your whole house for your stuff?
Wow, she's got you on a long leash there, Mark.
Oh, it's beautiful. You know, I always loved Gibson way more than Fender.
- Like, just... - What do you play?
I rock a Harmony.
- So is it mahogany? - Yeah.
What happens if you crack the neck? That must be, like, a bitch to...
Tell me about it. I used to play in this tight band in Chicago.
One night we opened for the Melvins, I busted it on-stage.
It cost me 800 dollars just to get it fixed.
So when was that? Was that like...?
Ninety-three. Best time for rock 'n' roll.
- Seventy-seven. Are you...? - What?
- Punk Volume Number 1. - You're crazy.
Dude, you weren't there. You couldn't understand the magic.
You weren't even alive.
What's that?
It's a Pilates machine.
What do you make with it?
You don't make anything. It's for exercising.
Yeah, my wife ordered one of those Tony Little Gazelles off the TV.
You know, from the guy with the ponytail?
That guy just doesn't look right to me.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
- H i. - H i.
You're playing music.
Juno wanted a little closer look at Kimber.
- Your guitar is named Kimber? - Yeah.
That's cool. My ax is named Roosevelt. But after Franklin, not Ted.
Franklin, he was the hot one with the polio?
Yeah. Hey, Gerta's downstairs.
We still have a lot of stuff to go over and do.
- I got it, I got it. Got it? - Got it?
Not to interrupt the jam session, but...
Here and here.
So just look these over. If you have any questions, call me at my office.
We'd appreciate it if you would keep us updated on any doctor's appointments...
...or ultrasounds or anything of that nature.
- Yeah. - If it's not too...
No, right, for sure. You want to know how your kid's a-cooking. I get it.
You think you're really gonna do this, then?
Yeah. Yeah, no, I like you guys. Yeah.
How sure would you say you are?
Like, would you say you're 80 percent sure or 90 percent sure?
I'm gonna say I'm about 104 percent sure.
- Really? - Here you go, sir.
Seriously, if I could just have the thing and give it to you now, I totally would.
But I'm guessing it looks probably like a Sea-Monkey right now...
...and, you know, we should let it get a little cuter.
- Yes. Keep it in the oven. - Great.
I think that's a great idea.
- Nice to meet you both. - You too.
- Hopefully we'll hear from you soon. - You're beautiful. Thank you.
- All right. You take care. - All right. Bye-bye.
- Hey, man. - Hey, Vijay. How's it going?
Did you hear? Juno MacGuff's pregnant.
Yeah.
- Like our moms and teachers. - Yeah.
Did you hear it's yours?
Yup.
What a trip, man.
Yeah. I don't really know too much about it.
- You should grow a mustache. - I can't.
Me neither. But I'm gonna stop wearing underpants, raise my sperm count.
See you.
- Juno, hey. - Hey, Bleek.
Me and some guys are gonna go to the movies...
...and doughnut that flick with the guy who has 18 kids.
You wanna come?
Sounds awesome, but I got my ultrasound.
Oh, really?
Can I...? Should I come with you?
You can't waste those doughnut holes there.
But maybe I could, you know, drop by later.
Okay, cool.
- Later, Bleek. - See you.
I'll save you a seat.
There's your baby.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, Juno.
There's a hand.
And an arm.
And there's the feet.
Would you look at that?
Whoa, check out Baby Big Head. Dude, that thing is freaky-looking.
Excuse me, I am a sacred vessel.
All you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell.
It's amazing that there's actually saps that cry at this.
What? I'm not made of stone.
Well, there you have it. Would you like to know the sex?
- Yes. Please, Juno, please? - No. No, definitely. No, there's... No sex.
Planning to be surprised?
I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised.
And if you tell me, I'll just ruin everything.
Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
No, no, no, they're the adoptive parents.
Well, thank goodness for that.
What's that supposed to mean?
I see a lot of teenage mothers come through here.
It's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.
How do you know that I'm so poisonous, you know?
What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?
Or, like, stage parents.
They could be negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job...
...than my dumb-ass stepdaughter. Have you considered that?
No, I guess not.
Yeah. What is your job title exactly?
I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.
Well, I'm a nail technician, and I think we both ought to stick to what we know.
Excuse me?
You think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages?
My 5-year-old could do that, and she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed.
Why don't you go back to night school in Manteno and learn a real trade?
Bren, you're a dick. I love it.
Juno, I didn't expect to see you here.
I have something really cool to show you guys. Is Vanessa here?
No. Actually, she's working late tonight.
Trying to accrue as much time off as she can before the:
Oh, right. I hear these are quite the time suck.
Yeah. Wanna come on in? I'm just having a ginseng cooler. Would you like one?
What is it with you rich people and your herb-infused juices?
Something to do with those sporty four-packs they come in.
They're not bad though.
Wait a second. Why aren't you at work?
I work mostly from home. I'm a composer.
No shit. Like Johannes Brahms, or...?
No. More commercial stuff.
- Like what? - Commercials.
Yeah. Have you seen the ads for the Titanium Power men's deodorant?
Titanium Power
Get more snatch by the batch
Right. Paid for this kitchen.
You're quite the sellout, Mark. I mean, what would the Melvins say?
Did you say you had something to show me?
Behold, good sir, your future child.
Hey, look at that.
I think it looks like my friend Paulie.
- Is he also bald and amorphous? - No, he's the dad.
Can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?
I can't. The doctor can. But I kind of want it to be a surprise.
Well, it can only go one of two ways.
That's what you think. I mean, I drank tons of booze...
...so you might end up with one of those scary neuter-babies born without junk.
- Junk, huh? - Yeah, you know, its parts.
- I know what junk is. - Yeah, right.
We definitely want it to have some junk. Please.
You don't need to worry about a thing.
My stepmom, Bren, makes me eat super-healthy.
You know, I can't stand in front of the microwave, and no red M&M's.
I hope you're ready.
- You hear that? - What?
This is my favorite song.
This is Sonic Youth doing "Superstar" by the Carpenters.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know the Carpenters.
Chick drummer, freaky dude. Not unlike the White Stripes.
You haven't heard the Carpenters like this. Just listen.
Yeah. Yeah, I like this.
What did you say your favorite band was?
Didn't. It's a three-way tie between the Stooges, Patti Smith and the Runaways.
I'm definitely making you some CD's. At least while my kid's in there.
The Wizard of Gore?
That is Herschell Gordon Lewis. He's the ultimate master of horror.
Please. Dario Argento is so the ultimate master of horror.
Argento? He's all right. But Lewis is completely demented.
We're talking about buckets of goo. Red corn syrup all over the place.
There's fake brains coming out the yin-yang.
Quite frankly, this looks a little stupid.
Give me the tape.
This is even better than Suspiria.
- What did I tell you? - Kudos.
You have decent taste in slasher movies.
Here's to dovetailing interests.
Have you guys thought of any names for the baby yet?
Sort of, yes. Vanessa likes Madison for a girl.
Madison? Wait, hold on.
Isn't that, like, a little gay?
Wow, pretentious much?
Should everyone just have a mysterious name like Juno?
No, Dad's...
My dad went through this huge obsession with Roman and Greek mythology.
So he decided to name me after Zeus' wife.
- I got it. - Zeus, he had tons of lays...
...but I'm pretty sure Juno was his only wife.
And she was supposed to be, like, really beautiful but really mean.
Like Diana Ross.
Well, that suits you.
Thanks?
You are something else.
- There's Vanessa. You'd better go. - What? Why?
She hates when I sit around and I watch movies and I don't "contribute."
No, I'll handle this. I'm really good at diffusing mom-type rage.
- Juno, seriously... - Mark, where are you?
- I got some stuff... - Hey, Vanessa.
- Juno. What's going on? - Nothing.
- What's wrong? - I went to the doctor today.
- Is something wrong? - The baby's great.
It's the right size and everything. I even saw its phalanges today. Here.
It's a baby. It's your baby.
It kind of looks like it's waving, you know?
Like it's saying, "Hey, Vanessa, will you be my mom?"
- He kind of does. - Right?
Juno was nice enough to bring that over for us.
Yeah, I came as soon as I got that ultrasound goo off my pelvis.
It was crazy, actually. My stepmom verbally abused...
...the ultrasound tech, and we got escorted off the premises.
Wow, what kind of swag did you score?
Mall madness, huh?
It's just some stuff I picked up for the baby.
Don't you usually get all that stuff at a baby shower?
My stepmom was pregnant with my little sister, and she got a million gifts.
But I wasn't jealous because they were all super-lame.
I doubt anyone's gonna throw us a shower.
Why wouldn't they throw you a shower?
I don't think people know how to feel about the situation...
- ...because it's not set in stone. - What isn't set...?
No. You don't think that I'm gonna flake out on you?
No, I don't, Juno.
We went through a situation before where it didn't work out.
Yeah, cold feet.
You should've gone to China.
You know, because I hear they give away babies like free iPods.
They just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.
Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
No. I'm already pregnant. So, what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?
But I should probably bounce.
- Hey, don't forget your bag. - Bag.
Thank you.
Okay, take care.
Where the hell you been, Junebug?
Oh, I just drove to Saint Cloud to show Mark and Vanessa the ultrasound.
I ended up staying a couple hours.
A couple hours? What are you going there in the first place?
Oh, well, they wanted to know about the stuff...
...and I said I'd keep them updated, so I did.
You could have mailed it to them.
Why would you drive an hour out to East Jesus, Nowhere?
I just did. You know, and while Mark and I were waiting for Vanessa...
...we watched The Wizard of Gore...
...and then he burned me a couple of CD's of this weird music, so...
It was cool. He's kind of cool.
Juno, you can't just drop in on them like that.
No, it was not a big deal. He was totally cool with it.
You don't understand. Mark is a married man. There are boundaries.
Oh, come on. Listen, Brenda.
Now, you're acting like you're the one who has to go through this.
Like you have to get huge and shove a baby out of your vag for someone else.
What does it matter if he's married? I can have married friends.
It doesn't work that way.
You don't know squat about the dynamics of marriage.
- You don't know anything about me. - I know enough.
We don't even have a dog.
We don't have a dog because you're allergic to their saliva.
I have sacrificed a lot for you, Juno...
...and in a couple years when you move out, I'm gonna get Weimaraners.
- Whoa, dream big. - Oh, go fly a kite.
Hi, Juno. What can I do for you?
Bleeker home?
Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once, but now she looks like a hobbit.
You know, the fat one that was in The Goonies?
Hey, man. Don't concentrate so hard. I think I can smell your hair a-burning.
Hey, what's up?
Not much. I just wanted to come say hey.
I mean, I miss, like, just hanging out with you on school nights, you know?
Orange tic tacs are Bleeker's one and only vice.
The day I got pregnant, his mouth tasted really tangy and delicious.
Wow, you really...
You really seem to be getting pregnanter these days.
You know, I set up this whole private adoption.
And this married couple in, like, Saint Cloud, they're gonna be the parents.
- Really? - Yeah.
Wow, what are they like?
Well, I mean, the guy, he's awesome.
His name's Mark, and he likes old horror movies and he plays the guitar.
We actually hung out this afternoon.
Is that normal?
Probably not, but...
Listen, I talked to Dad and Bren...
...and they said they wouldn't narc you out to your folks...
...so I think we should be cool, you know?
That's a relief.
You know, I'm gonna...
...start looking like a pretty big dork soon, so...
Are you still gonna think I'm cute when I'm huge?
I always think you're cute. I think you're beautiful.
Jeez, Bleek.
Well, I do.
Hey, Junebug, when this is all over, we should get the band back together.
Oh, yeah. I mean, that would be awesome.
I mean, once Tino gets the new drumhead...
...we're just, like, ready to rock.
And I mean, we could always get back together too. That's an option.
Were we together?
Yeah, we were once, you know? That time.
What about Katrina De Voort? You could totally go out with Katrina De Voort.
I don't like Katrina. She smells like soup.
I mean, have you ever smelled her? And her whole house smells like soup.
Okay.
So we have Custard and Cheesecake.
They're yellow.
I wanted something gender-neutral until we get the baby...
...and then we can just add a more decisive palette.
Why does everybody think yellow is gender-neutral?
I don't know any guy with a yellow bedroom.
I'm thinking more Custard, just with this light.
I don't know, maybe I should paint a larger swatch or just try it on.
Or you can wait a few more months.
Not like the baby's gonna come storming in here demanding dessert-colored walls.
What to Expect says that readying the baby's room...
...is an important process for the woman.
Especially if you're adopting. It's called nesting.
- Nesting? - Yeah.
Are you gonna build the crib out of sticks and spit?
Well, you should read the book. I flagged the daddy chapters. They're...
I think it's too early to paint. That's my opinion.
I disagree.
This wall is gonna need something.
Our first family photo right in the middle. Right up there.
Can you see it?
This pretzel tastes like a frigging doughnut.
- Share the love, Sweet Tits. - No, you can't have any.
She's assaulting me! She's denying me fresh-baked goods.
- Oh, my God. - What?
That's her. That's Vanessa Loring.
Of the PennySaver Lorings?
Dude, she's, like, really pretty.
You sound, like, totally shocked or something.
She's totally gonna steal that little kid for her collection.
Right? Seriously.
Boring.
I could so go for, like, a huge cookie right now...
...with, like, a lamb kebab simultaneously.
God, Spermy. Must you always feed?
It's, like, never-ending for you.
- Juno. - Hi, Vanessa.
- Hi, Juno. - What brings you to the mall today?
I was just shopping with my girlfriends and...
You're gay?
- Oh, just ignore her. - No. Okay.
Well, how are you feeling?
Great. Everything's stupendous, you know?
Oh, coming in on that snooze button.
That's incredible.
Oh, God.
- What? - Kicking. Kicking away.
Could I feel it?
Are you kidding? Come on.
At school everyone's just grabbing my belly all the time. It's crazy.
But I'm a legend. They call me the Cautionary Whale.
I can't feel anything.
It's not moving for me.
You should try talking to it, supposedly they can hear you.
Even though it's like 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
Hi, baby.
It's me. It's Vanessa.
I can't wait to meet you.
Can you hear me, baby?
Sweet angel?
I felt it.
Oh, God. That was magical.
Thank you. Thank you.
And if you can't decide between A little breakfast and lunch
Why don't you microwave yourself A little bowl of brunch?
- Hello. - Hey.
H i.
So I've been listening to that really weird CD you made me.
- Yeah? What's the verdict? - Well, it's cute.
- It's cute? - When you're used to the raw power...
...of Iggy and the Stooges, everything else just sounds kind of, like...
...precious in comparison.
I imagine you've got a collection of punk chestnuts to prove it.
Well, consider it your musical education.
Can't wait to see what you've got to teach me.
Stop surfing porn and get back to work.
Just wanted to call and say hi.
All right. Go learn something.
Oh, a little trip down Mexico way.
And Greece and China, apparently.
How many months has it been? You're getting huge.
Well, it's honing in on eight. You should see how weird I look naked.
I wish my fun bags would get bigger.
God, trust me, you don't. I have to wear a fricking bra now...
...and rub all this nasty cocoa-butter stuff on myself so, like...
- ...I don't know, my skin won't explode. - Hot.
Why is everyone always staring at me?
Well, you are kind of convex, you know.
Who's been doing their geometry homework for once?
I have no choice. Keith has been grading me, like, so hard lately.
- Do not call Mr. Conyers Keith. - Why?
Because my barf reflex is really heightened these days.
But Keith's hot.
He's all beardy.
Did you hear that Bleek is going to prom with Katrina De Voort?
Katrina? No way. He doesn't like Katrina. Must be, like, a pity date or something.
I heard he asked her. And that they're going to Benihana...
...and then prom and then Vijay's parents' cabin.
He told me that Katrina's house smells like soup.
Oh, my God, it totally does.
I was there four years ago for her birthday party. It's like Lipton Landing.
But, you know, boys have endured way worse things for nookie.
Oh, please. There is no way that they're having sex.
- They wouldn't even be holding hands. - Wouldn't be so sure. He did it with you.
Yeah, because Bleek trusts me, you know? And we're best friends.
Are you jealous? I thought you said you didn't care what he did.
Not jealous. Don't care. It's just I know Bleek doesn't like Katrina.
He shouldn't toy with her emotions because she seems pretty nice.
I'm really convinced.
Prom is for wenises anyway.
As soon as you're old enough to go, it's so not cool anymore.
Are you honestly and truly going to prom with Katrina De Voort?
- H i. - Leah just said...
...that you were gonna go with her.
Yeah. I did ask her if she wanted to go.
A bunch of us are gonna go to Benihana and then prom...
...and then go to Vijay's parents' cabin.
So...
We're getting a stretch limo.
Your mom must be pretty stoked that you're not taking me.
You're mad. Why are you mad?
I'm not mad. I'm in a great mood.
Despite the fact that I'm in a fat suit I can't take off.
And despite the fact that everyone's making fun of me behind my back.
And despite the fact that your girlfriend gave me the stink eye in art class.
Katrina's not my girlfriend. I doubt she gave you the stink eye.
That's just the way her face looks, you know? That's just her face.
Yeah. You just take Soupy Sales to prom.
I can think of so many cooler things to do.
Like I might pumice my feet. I might go to Bren's dumb Unitarian church.
Maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice.
Because all those things would be cooler than going to prom with you.
You're being really immature.
You have no reason to be mad at me. I mean, you broke my heart.
I should be royally ticked off at you. I should be really cheesed off.
I shouldn't wanna talk to you anymore.
Why? Because I got bored and had sex with you and I didn't wanna marry you?
Like I'd marry you. You'd be the meanest wife ever. And I know you weren't bored.
Because there was a lot of stuff on TV.
And The Blair Witch Project was coming on Starz.
And you were like, "I haven't seen this since it came out.
But, oh, no, we should just make out instead."
All right, you just take Katrina the douche packer to prom.
I'm sure you two will have, like, a real bitchen time.
Well, I still have your underwear.
I still have your virginity.
God, would you shut up?
- Are you ashamed that we did it? - No.
Because at least you don't have to have the evidence under your sweater.
I'm a planet.
Let me get your bag. You shouldn't carry that.
What's another 10 pounds?
Hi. Wow, that shirt's working hard.
Is Vanessa here?
No. We are safe.
Sweet.
I'm glad you're here. I actually have something for you. Come here.
Almost there.
Whoa, Mark, is this the baby's room? It's beautiful.
Oh, that's hilarious. No, this is where I keep all my old comics...
...and I wanna show you one.
- You're one of those guys? - Come here. Take a look.
Is this a pregnant superhero?
I found it in Japan when I was there with my band. It reminds me of you.
Hells, yeah.
This actually makes me feel way less of a fat dork.
Well, Yuki is a real badass. You should be proud to be in the same condition.
Thank you.
- How about some tunage? Tunage. - Okay, yeah.
All right, don't look, numéro trois.
I'm not looking.
This one is actually kind of slow, but it's Mott the Hoople...
...so it's still totally rad and hardcore.
- What? - I know this one.
- You do? - Yeah.
This song is older than I am, if you can believe it. I danced to this at my prom.
- Who'd you dance with? - Cynthia Vogel.
Great dance partner. She let me put my hands all over her butt.
- Hot. - Very hot.
I can just totally picture you dancing like a total dork.
Actually, she put her hands...
...there, and I put my hands down here.
- This is how we did it in '88. - Like this?
Just like this. Have you ever been to a dance before?
Dances are for nerds and squares.
What are you?
I don't know.
Does it feel like there's something between us?
I'm leaving Vanessa.
- What? - I'm getting a place in the city.
Got it planned. Something I've wanted to do for a long time.
- No. - No?
No, you definitely can't do that. That's one big fat sack of no.
What is the matter?
I mean, you guys are supposed to take care of this, you know?
- I thought you'd be cool with this. - Cool?
I want things to be perfect.
I don't want them to be shitty and broken like everyone else's family.
Come on. Look, I'll have the baby...
...and Vanessa's gonna be so happy. You just...
A baby won't fix everything. I don't know if I'm ready to be a father.
But you're old.
How do you think of me? You know, why are you over here?
I just like being a piece of furniture in your weird life.
This? This is what my life has become. You know, I got stuff in boxes.
You know, I'm underground. That's appealing to you?
- Is this my fault? - No.
Is Vanessa mad at you because of me or something?
It's got nothing to do with it. We aren't in love.
You were in love when you married her.
If you're in love once, you can be in love again.
Like my friend Leah, who's been with the same guy like four times.
- You're just not trying hard enough. - I can't believe what an idiot I am.
No, you know what, Mark? Just do not divorce your wife.
Will you please just do me a solid and stay with Vanessa?
You're so young.
I'm not that young. Okay, I'm 16.
I'm old enough to know when someone's acting like a total a-hole.
Oh, and you know what?
I bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucks. It's just noise.
Juno? What's going on?
Nothing.
Why are you crying?
I'm not crying. I'm just allergic to fine home furnishings.
Hold on. What's the matter? What's the matter?
She's just a little hormonal. Right, Juno? It's part of the process?
What did you do?
I didn't do anything.
Just...
- I've been thinking. - What?
You know, I'm just thinking if this is the right thing.
What are you talking about?
Just wondering if it's... Just wondering if we're ready.
Yeah, we're ready.
We've read the books, we've taken the classes, we have a nursery that is...
Vanessa, I know we're prepared. I'm just wondering if...
...I'm ready.
Wait a minute. Juno, don't listen to him.
He's just got cold feet. He's just being a guy.
The books all say a woman becomes a mother when she gets pregnant.
A man becomes a father when he sees his baby.
He's gonna get there. He's... He's gonna get there.
It happened so fast. We put the ad in the paper...
...and I thought it would take months, if at all...
...then two weeks later, she's on that couch.
She answered our prayers.
Ever since then, it's been like a ticking clock.
What are you saying?
That it feels a little like bad timing.
What would be a good time for you, Mark?
There's just some things I still wanna do.
Like what? Be a rock star?
Don't mock me.
I'm just saying that this is something that's never gonna happen.
You know...
Your shirt is stupid.
Grow up.
If I have to wait for you to become Kurt Cobain, I'm never gonna be a mother.
I never said I'd be a good father.
I called Gerta Rauss and she said that she can represent both of us.
It's called a collaborative divorce. It's all the rage right now, supposedly.
It'll be easy because we don't have children.
Thanks for making the call, I guess.
Have you found a place to stay yet?
Yeah, downtown.
In a hotel?
No, it's not a hotel. It's a loft.
Well, aren't you the cool guy?
I wanted a baby so bad.
I know.
- This looks like a bill from Ju... - It's for me.
I never realize how much I like being home...
...unless I've been somewhere really different for a while.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, big puffy version of Junebug. Where you been?
Oh, just out dealing with things way beyond my maturity level.
Where is everybody?
Bren took Liberty Bell to her tot ice-skating class.
God, when will you guys learn that tots can't ice-skate?
You look a little morose, honey. What's eating you?
I'm just, like, losing my faith with humanity.
Wow, can you narrow that down for me?
I just wonder if, like...
...two people can stay together for good.
You mean like couples?
Yeah, like people in love.
Are you having boy trouble?
I gotta be honest, I don't much approve of you dating in your condition.
- That's kind of messed up. - No, Dad, it's not...
That's pretty skanky. Isn't that what you girls call it? Skanky? Skeevy?
- Please stop. - Tore up from the floor up?
That's not what it's about.
I just need to know that it's possible...
...that two people can stay happy together forever.
Well, it's not easy. That's for sure.
And I don't have the best track record in the world, I know.
But I've been with your stepmother for 10 years now...
...and I'm proud to say we're very happy.
Look...
...in my opinion, the best thing you can do...
...is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are.
Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty...
...handsome, what have you.
The right person's still gonna think the sun shines out of your ass.
That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I think I've found that person.
Yeah, sure you have. Your dear old D-A-D.
I'll always be there to love and support you...
...no matter what kind of pickle you're in.
Obviously.
Dad, I think I'm just gonna, like, shove out for a sec.
- But I won't be home late. - Okay.
You were talking about me, right?
Oh, yeah.
Tic tac-aholic.
H i.
Hey, did you put like a hundred things of tic tacs in my mailbox?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was me.
- Why? - Well, you know, they're your fave.
And you can never have too many of your favorite one-calorie breath mint.
Well, thanks. I think I'm pretty much set until college on the tic tac front.
You know, Bleek, I was thinking.
And I'm sorry I was such a huge bitch to you. You don't deserve it.
It's okay. You know, it's okay.
And also...
...I think I'm in love with you.
You mean as friends?
No. I mean for real.
Because you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met...
...and you don't even have to try, you know.
I try really hard, actually.
You're, like, naturally smart. And you're not like everyone else.
You don't stare at my stomach. You look at my face.
And every time I see you...
...the baby starts kicking super-hard.
It does?
Wizard.
I think it's because my heart starts pounding every time I see you.
Mine too.
Well, that's all I could ask for.
You're golden, man.
Can we make out now?
Yeah.
Hey, you know, you can go into early labor sucking face like that.
Dad?
What?
Dad, either I just peed my pants or...
Or...?
Thundercats are go!
Fall out! Fall out! You okay?
- The admittance forms? - Got them.
- Parking stickers? - Got them. You got Liberty Bell?
Oh, Liberty Bell. Oh, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie.
Come on, baby. Here, little baby. Yeah. Here we go.
All right, go.
Gas!
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Out of the way.
Out of the way. Hold on.
Leah, stop it. For God's sakes, stop it. Don't do that.
- What? But it's fun. - Don't. You're making it...
When do I get that frigging spinal-tap thing?
It's a spinal block, and you can't have it yet, honey.
The doctor said you're not dilated enough.
Oh, come on. I mean, it's like...
I have to wait for it to get worse? Why can't I have the thing now?
Doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream.
Oh, shit.
Excuse me. Hey, can we give my kid the damn spinal tap already?
...breath and push. That's good.
Push. Keep pushing. Come on, Juno, keep pushing.
Keep pushing, keep pushing.
And then, out of nowhere, there it was.
There he was.
I decided not to call Bleeker to tell him I was having the baby.
He had a big meet against Manteno...
...and I didn't want him to get all worried about me.
Paulie Bleeker has just broken a district record in the 800.
But he figured it out anyway.
Someday you'll be back here, honey.
On your terms.
Hey.
Nice legs.
Bleeker decided he didn't want to see the baby.
Neither did I, really. He didn't feel like ours.
I think he was always hers.
Would you like to meet your son?
I have a son.
Oh, look at you. I'm waking you up.
H i.
I'm gonna...
Is this...? Am I...?
How do I look?
Like a new mom. Scared shitless.
It ended with a chair.
As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss.
He is the cheese to my macaroni.
And I know people are supposed to fall in love before they reproduce...
...but I guess normalcy isn't really our style.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Ready? - Yeah.
You're a part-time lover And a full-time friend
The monkey on your back Is the latest trend
Don't see what anyone can see In anyone else
But you
Here is the church And here is the steeple
We sure are cute For two ugly people
Don't see what anyone can see In anyone else
But you
We both have shiny Happy fits of rage
I want more fans You want more stage
Don't see what anyone can see In anyone else
But you
You're always trying to keep it real
And I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see In anyone else
But you
I kiss you on the brain In the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry-eyed My body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see In anyone else
But you
The pebbles forgive me The trees forgive me
So why can't you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see In anyone else
But you
- I don't see what anyone can see - I don't see what anyone can see
- In anyone else - In anyone else
- But you - But you