1
00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:28,319
Guardian of the universe.

2
00:00:28,404 --> 00:00:30,154
Protecting us against the forces of evil.

3
00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:31,364
The superpowers of this man...

4
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:32,448
He can catch a bullet,

5
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:33,783
halt a speeding train.

6
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:36,285
And leap tall buildings in a single bound.

7
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,079
- Up in the sky...
- Is it a bird?

8
00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:39,914
A mailman by day...

9
00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,499
City's guardian by night.

10
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:44,752
Defending the citizens of New York
from the forces of evil.

11
00:00:44,837 --> 00:00:48,047
The world has been protected
by a group of extraordinary men and women

12
00:00:48,132 --> 00:00:50,133
who have dedicated themselves
to fighting crime.

13
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,218
Mysterious traveler from another dimension.

14
00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:56,514
He has powers far beyond
the capabilities of mere earthlings.

15
00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:10,611
I always wondered
why nobody did it before me.

16
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:16,033
I mean, all those comic books,
movies, TV shows,

17
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:20,872
you'd think that one eccentric Ioner
would have made himself a costume.

18
00:01:22,458 --> 00:01:25,334
I mean, is everyday life really so exciting?

19
00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:27,462
Are schools and offices so thrilling

20
00:01:27,546 --> 00:01:29,756
that I'm the only one
who ever fantasized about this?

21
00:01:31,884 --> 00:01:33,468
Come on, be honest with yourself.

22
00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:38,306
At some point in our lives,
we all wanted to be a superhero.

23
00:01:54,490 --> 00:01:56,532
That's not me, by the way.

24
00:01:56,992 --> 00:02:01,037
That's some Armenian guy
with a history of mental health problems.

25
00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:04,874
Who am I? I'm Kick-Ass.

26
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:18,596
That's me,
back before any of this crazy shit happened.

27
00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:23,768
I guess I was the last person
you'd expect to become a superhero.

28
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:27,480
I'm not saying
there was anything wrong with me,

29
00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:30,066
but there was nothing special, either.

30
00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,485
- Asshole.
- I wasn't into sports.

31
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:35,154
I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer.

32
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,908
I didn't have a piercing
or an eating disorder

33
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,118
or 3,000 friends on MySpace.

34
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,956
My only superpower
was being invisible to girls.

35
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:49,502
And out of my friends, man,
I wasn't even the funny one.

36
00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:52,880
Like most people my age, I just existed.

37
00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,476
Good morning, class.

38
00:03:05,561 --> 00:03:08,980
Please open your books to Act 2, Scene 2.

39
00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:13,442
Kick in my bedroom door,
and you'd probably find me watching TV

40
00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:15,820
or talking to my friend Todd on Skype...

41
00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:18,489
- Are you watching Family Guy?
- Nope.

42
00:03:18,574 --> 00:03:22,451
Me, either. Check out nippleslip. Com.
It's good.

43
00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:28,916
...or jerking off,
mostly to my English teacher.

44
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,003
Dave Lizewski.

45
00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:35,756
Don't think I haven't noticed
you looking at my tits, Dave.

46
00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:40,094
I want your hands all over me, Dave.

47
00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:41,596
Please.

48
00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:45,474
Sure, a lot of what got me
through the average school day

49
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:49,020
was making deposits
in the whack-off warehouse for later.

50
00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:50,980
Though to be honest,

51
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:52,899
it didn't take much to set me off.

52
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:56,861
I swear, when my hormones balance out,

53
00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:59,238
shares in Kleenex
are gonna take a dive, man.

54
00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:07,038
Dave Lizewski, shouldn't you be looking
at Hamlet right now?

55
00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:08,706
Yes, Mrs. Zane.

56
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,335
I'm sorry.

57
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:16,964
But don't get me wrong.
I like girls my own age, too.

58
00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:19,842
Especially Katie Deauxma.

59
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:20,927
Hey, gorgeous.

60
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:22,720
Hey.

61
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,308
Oh, no.

62
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:32,772
You meant Erika. I know. I knew that.

63
00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,482
I was just kidding.

64
00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:36,525
Okay, cool.

65
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:38,611
Oh, my God.

66
00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:44,784
Hey. Look, I'm Todd's mom.

67
00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:49,330
That's funny. This is your dad.

68
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:52,333
No, that's still my mom, actually.

69
00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:55,670
What the fuck!

70
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,797
I was just a regular guy.

71
00:04:57,881 --> 00:05:02,677
No radioactive spiders, no refugee status
from a doomed alien world.

72
00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:06,180
You know what? Todd said
they do still make Count Chocula.

73
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:09,183
They just don't sell it at the store anymore.

74
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:13,062
My mother was killed by an aneurism
in the kitchen...

75
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,898
- Mom?
...as opposed to a gunman in the alley.

76
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,066
So if you were hoping for any,

77
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:20,403
"I will avenge you, Mother!"

78
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:21,696
You're out of luck.

79
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:23,990
In the 18 months since my mother died,

80
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:27,702
the only epiphany I had
was realizing that life just goes on.

81
00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,079
Did they change the bee's face?

82
00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:32,206
No.

83
00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:42,925
How come nobody's ever tried
to be a superhero?

84
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:44,093
Boy, I don't know.

85
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,262
Probably 'cause it's fucking impossible,
dipshit.

86
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:49,515
What, putting on a mask and
helping people? How's that impossible?

87
00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:51,726
That's not superhero, though.
How is that super?

88
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:55,312
Super's like being stronger than everybody
and flying and shit. That's just hero.

89
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:58,399
No, it's not even hero.
It's just fucking psycho.

90
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:01,902
Hello? Bruce Wayne?
He didn't have any powers.

91
00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:04,363
Yes, but he had all the expensive shit
that doesn't exist.

92
00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:06,657
I thought you meant, like,
"How come nobody does it in real life?"

93
00:06:06,742 --> 00:06:08,034
Yeah, Todd, that's what I meant.

94
00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:10,786
Dude, if anybody did it in real life,
they'd get their ass kicked.

95
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,913
- They'd be dead in, like, a day.
- A day.

96
00:06:12,998 --> 00:06:14,832
Yeah, okay,
I'm not saying they should do it.

97
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:16,709
I just can't figure out why nobody does.

98
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:20,838
Seriously, out of all the millions of people
who love superheroes,

99
00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:23,090
you'd think one would give it a try.

100
00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:26,052
Jesus, guys, does it not bug you?

101
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,845
Why thousands of people
wanna be Paris Hilton

102
00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:29,305
and nobody wants to be Spider-Man?

103
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,308
Yeah, what's with that?
She has, like, no tits at all.

104
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,852
Maybe it's the porn tape.
He doesn't have a porn tape.

105
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:37,438
You guys never saw
One Night in Spider-Man?

106
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,441
Guess who?

107
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:48,365
Is it me or do you kind of feel sorry
for Chris D'Amico?

108
00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:51,077
Yeah, it must be terrible
to have a rich dad and everything you want.

109
00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:52,244
I wish you wouldn't have said anything

110
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,705
- 'cause I feel like I'm gonna start crying.
- Right.

111
00:06:54,790 --> 00:06:57,333
The fact that he's always on his own?

112
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:03,297
We should, like, talk to him.
See if he wants to hang out with us.

113
00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:05,216
I didn't say we should talk to him. I just...

114
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,759
Think about it. Come on, it'd be awesome.

115
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:09,845
If he was our friend,
no one would ever fuck with us again.

116
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,138
Well, go on then, Todd. You wanna...

117
00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:12,223
- I can get up.
- No, no...

118
00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:14,725
- You wanna go talk to him? I can move.
- Dave... Dave should go.

119
00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:17,019
- Dave should go.
- Why?

120
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:18,562
- Dave, you should totally go.
- Go.

121
00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:20,314
- You're a dick.
- Don't be afraid, Dave.

122
00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:21,941
You're a pussy.

123
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,241
Fuck off.

124
00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:37,498
Did you spray anything over there?

125
00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:40,668
Yeah, I think
I might have just shat in my pants a little.

126
00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:42,878
- See you later.
- God, see you.

127
00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:45,840
If that guy would have spoken to me
like that, I would have kicked his ass.

128
00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:48,175
Todd, when have you ever
kicked anyone's ass?

129
00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:50,803
Whatever, man.
I would have just gone for his knees.

130
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:53,430
- You're not making sense.
- What I'm saying is the centrifugal force

131
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:56,517
of Batman's batarang would undoubtedly
penetrate the Joker's force field,

132
00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:59,103
- leaving him totally vulnerable to the...
- All right...

133
00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:00,896
- Pussy patrol.
- Fuck.

134
00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:04,066
- Phones, money.
- Dude, not again, come on.

135
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,611
- Phone.
- I don't have one.

136
00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:10,489
- Someone else jacked it last week.
- Pussy.

137
00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:13,284
- Give me the bag.
- It's just comics.

138
00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:15,286
Yo, you want to get cut?

139
00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:27,882
Look at this asshole just watching.

140
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:35,055
Come on, be honest with yourself.

141
00:08:35,891 --> 00:08:38,309
Would you do anything differently?

142
00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:43,189
We see someone in trouble
and we wish we could help,

143
00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:44,732
but we don't.

144
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:52,907
The world I lived in,
heroes only existed in comic books.

145
00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:58,913
And I guess that would have been okay
if bad guys were make-believe, too.

146
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,248
But they're not.

147
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:05,419
Frankie, I'm telling you, man,
I swear I'm not making this up.

148
00:09:05,921 --> 00:09:10,424
This fucking guy comes out of nowhere,
kicks our asses,

149
00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:12,509
and steals all the coke.

150
00:09:12,594 --> 00:09:14,345
This would be the guy
that looks like Batman?

151
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:16,180
I didn't say he looked like Batman.

152
00:09:16,264 --> 00:09:19,058
You did, Tre.
You said the guy looked like Batman.

153
00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:21,185
- He said like a mask and stuff.
- And a cape.

154
00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,437
- Yeah, like Batman.
- I didn't say "Like Batman."

155
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:25,105
I never said "Batman."

156
00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:26,273
Okay.

157
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,361
Let me tell you the problem
I got with that, Tre.

158
00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:34,156
Our mole with the Russians
tells things a little different.

159
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:39,411
According to him, you sold him my coke
and you took the money.

160
00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:41,330
That's a fucking lie!

161
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:45,876
I can't believe that you would believe
this shit from a fucking Russian, man!

162
00:09:45,961 --> 00:09:48,963
Let me see, Tre.
Hey, what's more likely, huh?

163
00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:54,260
That you're a greedy little cocksucker
or all my coke was stolen by Superman?

164
00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:56,220
- Batman.
- I never said Batman!

165
00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:57,471
Enough!

166
00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:03,978
Now my son is waiting out there
in the car to go to the movies,

167
00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:05,646
and I ain't gonna disappoint him.

168
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,816
Joe, you're in charge.

169
00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:11,402
- Frank... Frankie!
- That's gotta be the worst fucking excuse

170
00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:13,112
I ever heard, Tre.

171
00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:23,539
- Sorry you had to wait, buddy.
- The movie is starting in 10 minutes.

172
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,917
It's okay. We're cool.
We're only gonna miss the trailers.

173
00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:28,919
Yeah. But I want to get some popcorn.

174
00:10:29,004 --> 00:10:30,838
When we get in there,
get Chris some popcorn.

175
00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:33,132
- Okay?
- You fucking motherfuckers!

176
00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:34,591
What do you want to drink?
You want a Pepsi?

177
00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:37,970
- Yeah, that's fine.
- Get him a Pepsi, and I'll have an Icee.

178
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:39,221
Mixed.

179
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:42,599
Like when they mix
the red one and the blue one.

180
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:45,686
And a pack of Twizzlers.

181
00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:09,418
The comic books had it wrong.

182
00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:14,506
It didn't take a trauma or cosmic rays
or a power ring to make a superhero.

183
00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:19,887
Just the perfect combination
of optimism and naivety.

184
00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:56,465
You are fucking awesome.

185
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:01,303
Come on then, bring it on!

186
00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:29,706
Daddy, I'm scared.

187
00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:31,708
Come on, Mindy, honey.

188
00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:34,545
Be a big girl now.
There's nothing to be afraid of.

189
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,464
- Is it gonna hurt bad?
- Oh, child.

190
00:12:38,049 --> 00:12:39,842
Only for a second, sugar.

191
00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:42,970
A handgun bullet travels at... More than?

192
00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:45,556
- 700 miles an hour.
- 700 miles an hour.

193
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:49,726
So at close range like this, the force
is gonna take you off your feet for sure,

194
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,938
but it's really no more painful
than a punch in the chest.

195
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:55,524
I hate getting punched in the chest.

196
00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:58,485
You're gonna be fine, baby doll.

197
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:08,162
How was that? Not so bad.

198
00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:11,665
Kind of fun, huh?
Now you know how it feels.

199
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:15,294
You won't be scared
when some junkie asshole pulls a Glock.

200
00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:18,172
- I wouldn't have been scared anyways.
- That's my girl.

201
00:13:18,256 --> 00:13:22,593
All right, up you get. Come on.
Two more rounds and then home.

202
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:23,927
Again?

203
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:27,931
Look, only if we can go
by the bowling alley on the way back.

204
00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:29,933
The bowling alley?

205
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,394
Yeah. And ice cream after.

206
00:13:34,689 --> 00:13:37,107
Okay. Two more rounds.

207
00:13:37,358 --> 00:13:42,654
No wincing, no whining,
and you got yourself a deal, young lady.

208
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:45,616
Yeah! I'm gonna get a hot fudge sundae.

209
00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,534
Good call, baby doll.

210
00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:54,416
So, have you thought a little more about
what you might want for your birthday?

211
00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:56,585
Can I get a puppy?

212
00:13:58,087 --> 00:13:59,338
You wanna get a dog?

213
00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:01,465
Yeah, a cuddly, fluffy one.

214
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:03,967
And a Bratz Movie Star Makeover Sasha.

215
00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:10,933
I'm just fucking with you, Daddy.

216
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:13,727
Look, I'd love
a Benchmade Model 42 butterfly knife.

217
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:15,979
Oh, child.

218
00:14:16,231 --> 00:14:18,565
You always knock me for a loop.

219
00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:19,733
- You know what?
- What?

220
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,777
- I'm gonna get you two.
- Two?

221
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,905
One balisong. Two balisong.
That's what you get.

222
00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:46,635
"The glass of fashion and the mold of form

223
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:50,347
"The observed of all observers
quite, quite down!

224
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,600
"And I, of ladies
most deject and wretched..."

225
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:00,899
I'll be honest,

226
00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:05,070
there wasn't a whole lot
of crime-fighting in those first few weeks.

227
00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:08,323
But even so,
my new vocation kept me plenty busy.

228
00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:14,621
Shit.

229
00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:16,665
I called it preparation.

230
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:24,548
But if you called it fantasizing,
it would have been hard to argue.

231
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:28,635
All I knew was
I'd never felt so good about myself.

232
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:46,862
Fuck!

233
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:51,158
Okay, maybe I was still
in the beta-testing phase,

234
00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:53,493
but it was a start.

235
00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,137
What the fuck are you looking at?

236
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:15,265
- Nothing.
- Get the fuck out of here.

237
00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:22,606
Like every serial killer already knew,

238
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:26,318
eventually, fantasizing
just doesn't do it for you anymore.

239
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,695
It was time to engage.

240
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,032
Hurry up, man.

241
00:16:35,203 --> 00:16:36,703
What the fuck?

242
00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:47,339
What the fuck you looking at?

243
00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:51,009
I said, what the fuck are you looking at?

244
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,308
Two cheap-shit losers screwing with a car

245
00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:01,853
that someone probably
worked their ass off to pay for.

246
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,898
- Say what?
- Leave it be, man.

247
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:08,819
This motherfucker is obviously high.

248
00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:10,987
I'm not high.

249
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,907
I just think it sucks
you guys think you can do what you want.

250
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:18,036
Just walk away from the car
and we can forget about this.

251
00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:22,624
You're crazy, man.

252
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,543
Fuck this shit.

253
00:17:38,182 --> 00:17:40,851
- Shit!
- Let's get out of here!

254
00:18:22,185 --> 00:18:24,394
I came around for just long enough
to beg the medic

255
00:18:24,479 --> 00:18:27,063
not to tell anybody about the costume.

256
00:18:27,482 --> 00:18:29,483
He promised he wouldn't.

257
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:33,528
All I knew was my dad was gonna kill me.

258
00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:51,421
Why can't I have a gun?
I'm a security guard.

259
00:18:51,506 --> 00:18:53,840
You're a doorman now.
You don't get a gun no more.

260
00:18:53,925 --> 00:18:55,258
Look at me. I look like a putz.

261
00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:59,429
You look sharp. Look at all them buttons.
Do your job. Open the fucking door.

262
00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:03,934
Have a nice day.

263
00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:34,631
- Good morning, Frank.
- Hey, Joe, how you doing?

264
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:36,716
- Great.
- Want some coffee?

265
00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:39,094
Maybe later. Morning, Ange.

266
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,220
- Good morning.
- Chris.

267
00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:41,972
Good morning, Joe.

268
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,558
Frank, we got a thing.

269
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:48,270
It's a big thing, Frank.

270
00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:52,440
Okay.

271
00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:54,568
Sorry, hon.

272
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:56,403
Do what you got to do.

273
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:02,868
Chris, where do you think you're going?

274
00:20:02,952 --> 00:20:05,203
- I got to talk to Dad.
- Christopher.

275
00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:06,746
Frank, honey!

276
00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:10,625
Where do you think you're going?

277
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:13,503
I don't...
I don't mind you talking business, Dad.

278
00:20:13,588 --> 00:20:14,796
I was just gonna sit in there quietly.

279
00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:17,424
I mean, I should probably
start learning this stuff anyway, right?

280
00:20:17,508 --> 00:20:19,050
Hey, go finish your oatmeal.

281
00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:23,096
God damn it! I'm gonna be 18
in eight months, for Christ's sakes.

282
00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:24,431
Fuck.

283
00:20:26,309 --> 00:20:27,726
Take a seat.

284
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:33,648
- So what's the problem?
- Our Russian says that Tre just sold him

285
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,151
another five keys at half price.

286
00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:38,528
Which Tre? Tre Tre?

287
00:20:38,613 --> 00:20:40,280
Right. Dead Tre.

288
00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:42,616
So now I'm getting fucked
in the ass by a ghost?

289
00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:44,576
Or Tre was telling the truth.

290
00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:49,956
What, this is my choice,
I gotta believe in ghosts or superheroes?

291
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:52,375
Well, not the part about
the superhero, Frankie,

292
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:55,795
but just that he might have
really been gaffled by somebody.

293
00:20:59,842 --> 00:21:03,470
I think we'd better invite
our Russian over for a friendly chat,

294
00:21:05,514 --> 00:21:07,641
see what's really going on.

295
00:21:23,074 --> 00:21:24,324
Hey, early birdie.

296
00:21:25,076 --> 00:21:28,161
You beat me to it.
I wanted to get you breakfast this morning.

297
00:21:28,829 --> 00:21:30,830
Happy birthday, sweetheart.

298
00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:33,833
Check this out.

299
00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:44,594
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

300
00:21:44,679 --> 00:21:46,096
Oh, my gosh.

301
00:21:46,514 --> 00:21:47,555
Dad.

302
00:21:50,768 --> 00:21:51,851
Wow.

303
00:21:52,186 --> 00:21:53,520
Watch, Dad.

304
00:21:53,896 --> 00:21:55,563
Okay, pop quiz.

305
00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:57,273
What's the proper name for one of those?

306
00:21:57,358 --> 00:21:59,859
Easy, balisong. It's Filipino.
Ask me another.

307
00:21:59,944 --> 00:22:01,111
Excellent, good.

308
00:22:01,195 --> 00:22:07,075
The AR-15 was a lighter,
smaller caliber version of what design?

309
00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:10,537
Eugene Stoner's AR-10.
Now give me a hard one.

310
00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,372
The name of

311
00:22:13,874 --> 00:22:17,043
John Woo's first full-length feature?

312
00:22:17,378 --> 00:22:19,629
Tie han rou qing, The Young Dragons.

313
00:22:20,006 --> 00:22:21,381
Daddy, look.

314
00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:24,092
Hey, come on, you're not looking.

315
00:22:26,262 --> 00:22:29,472
The point is,
some fucker is killing our guys.

316
00:22:29,974 --> 00:22:32,058
Until we find out who that is,
I don't wanna see

317
00:22:32,143 --> 00:22:34,811
any of you bitches sitting around
on your asses, all right?

318
00:22:34,895 --> 00:22:36,563
What the fuck do you...

319
00:22:36,981 --> 00:22:38,023
Hello?

320
00:22:38,607 --> 00:22:40,108
Hey, Joe, yeah.

321
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:42,527
No, he's just training right now.

322
00:22:42,903 --> 00:22:43,903
One second.

323
00:22:44,613 --> 00:22:46,281
Dad, phone!

324
00:22:48,576 --> 00:22:50,452
- Dad, the phone's for you.
- Who is it?

325
00:22:50,745 --> 00:22:52,037
It's Joe.

326
00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:57,834
- What's the problem?
- Yeah, Frank,

327
00:22:57,918 --> 00:22:59,878
turns out we ain't got
the vise here no more.

328
00:22:59,962 --> 00:23:01,212
Really?

329
00:23:01,922 --> 00:23:04,340
But we do got
a brand-new industrial microwave.

330
00:23:04,425 --> 00:23:05,592
They use it for treating the lumber.

331
00:23:05,676 --> 00:23:07,385
Well, that is neat.

332
00:23:08,095 --> 00:23:09,846
I think you must be confusing me
with someone

333
00:23:09,930 --> 00:23:11,931
who gives a shit about the fucking lumber!

334
00:23:12,016 --> 00:23:14,309
Yeah, okay, all right, Frank.
All right, I'm sorry.

335
00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:15,852
- I'm sorry, okay?
...get the information.

336
00:23:15,936 --> 00:23:17,562
All right, okay!

337
00:23:18,939 --> 00:23:20,106
All right, come on. Go ahead.

338
00:23:20,357 --> 00:23:23,860
Hey, look, the guys tell me
he's Tre Fernandez. What do I know?

339
00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:25,695
- Shut up.
- Now you say Fernandez is dead.

340
00:23:25,780 --> 00:23:27,739
- Get inside. Shut up!
- Okay, no, he lied!

341
00:23:27,823 --> 00:23:30,241
- He lie about...
- Fucking mamaluke.

342
00:23:30,409 --> 00:23:31,618
He lied!

343
00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:34,287
Does this work like
a regular microwave or what?

344
00:23:34,747 --> 00:23:37,248
Fuck do I know? We're not making
a fucking Hungry-Man dinner here.

345
00:23:37,333 --> 00:23:38,958
Just turn it on.

346
00:23:41,921 --> 00:23:42,921
Here we go.

347
00:23:43,005 --> 00:23:45,757
Okay, I wanna know who sold you our coke.

348
00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:49,344
And don't tell me somebody
who's dead this time.

349
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,683
Can he hear you?
I don't think he can hear you.

350
00:23:57,186 --> 00:24:00,730
I said, who really sold you our coke?

351
00:24:04,610 --> 00:24:05,777
Who

352
00:24:06,237 --> 00:24:08,279
sold you

353
00:24:08,989 --> 00:24:10,865
our coke?

354
00:24:13,953 --> 00:24:15,620
Shit. Shit.

355
00:24:20,793 --> 00:24:24,170
This is awesome!
I look like fricking Wolverine.

356
00:24:25,297 --> 00:24:27,924
They still have
that metal detector at your school?

357
00:24:28,008 --> 00:24:30,385
Yeah, it's gonna have a meltdown.

358
00:24:32,888 --> 00:24:35,306
Dave, I need to ask you something.

359
00:24:37,184 --> 00:24:38,309
Okay.

360
00:24:38,644 --> 00:24:40,270
The police report,

361
00:24:40,354 --> 00:24:41,604
they found you naked.

362
00:24:41,689 --> 00:24:44,107
You said you didn't remember why.

363
00:24:44,733 --> 00:24:46,860
The muggers, they didn't...

364
00:24:48,195 --> 00:24:49,279
What?

365
00:24:51,699 --> 00:24:53,408
No! Jesus.

366
00:24:53,909 --> 00:24:56,077
No, I... I wasn't even...

367
00:24:57,371 --> 00:24:59,372
In the ambulance,
they threw my clothes away

368
00:24:59,456 --> 00:25:01,583
- 'cause of the blood.
- Right.

369
00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:03,209
Okay, okay.

370
00:25:04,003 --> 00:25:05,795
Dad. Dad.

371
00:25:08,841 --> 00:25:11,593
Seemed like no time at all
before I was back on my feet.

372
00:25:11,677 --> 00:25:13,887
- Dave's what?
- Not now.

373
00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:16,973
Apart from some messed up nerve endings,

374
00:25:17,057 --> 00:25:20,143
the doctors had managed
to fix me up pretty good.

375
00:25:20,227 --> 00:25:21,811
- Did you feel that?
- No.

376
00:25:21,896 --> 00:25:25,190
You're like fucking Jason Bourne
or something, man. That owns.

377
00:25:25,274 --> 00:25:27,275
- How about that?
- No, Marty!

378
00:25:27,443 --> 00:25:29,277
Give it a fucking rest, man.

379
00:25:29,361 --> 00:25:30,695
I've only been back half a day,

380
00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:32,697
and you're already
making me miss the hospital.

381
00:25:32,781 --> 00:25:35,658
He's right. I'm sorry.
I'm acting totally childish.

382
00:25:35,743 --> 00:25:38,077
- Stop with the fork.
- I apologize.

383
00:25:49,298 --> 00:25:50,465
Hey.

384
00:25:52,927 --> 00:25:54,385
Dave, hey.

385
00:25:56,263 --> 00:25:57,430
Hey.

386
00:25:58,224 --> 00:26:00,350
How are you? You look better.

387
00:26:01,060 --> 00:26:04,062
I'm good. Yeah, much better.

388
00:26:04,146 --> 00:26:05,980
Hey, you're into comic books, aren't you?

389
00:26:06,899 --> 00:26:09,442
Well, me and Erika
sometimes hang out after school

390
00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:11,986
at this really great store Atomic Comics.

391
00:26:12,071 --> 00:26:14,864
They make the best
white chocolate mocha latte.

392
00:26:14,949 --> 00:26:16,074
Yeah?

393
00:26:17,952 --> 00:26:21,663
Well, I could buy you one sometime
if you, you know, like,

394
00:26:21,747 --> 00:26:23,706
need someone to talk to.

395
00:26:25,793 --> 00:26:27,460
Sure. Thank you.

396
00:26:27,544 --> 00:26:30,338
Okay, sweet. Well, I'll see you later.

397
00:26:34,260 --> 00:26:35,510
- Man, did you see that?
- Yeah.

398
00:26:35,594 --> 00:26:37,762
Katie Deauxma
just offered to buy me coffee.

399
00:26:37,846 --> 00:26:40,640
Yeah. You know,
I really don't think that's what it looks like.

400
00:26:40,724 --> 00:26:43,434
- What are you talking about?
- The point is,

401
00:26:43,519 --> 00:26:46,062
Katie Deauxma's all about the lame ducks.

402
00:26:46,146 --> 00:26:47,563
What's this got to do with me?

403
00:26:47,648 --> 00:26:50,149
I've been trying to figure out
how to tell you this.

404
00:26:51,277 --> 00:26:53,528
- There's a rumor going around...
- Right.

405
00:26:53,612 --> 00:26:55,113
...that you...
- What?

406
00:26:55,197 --> 00:26:57,073
...are gay.
- Gay?

407
00:26:57,199 --> 00:26:58,616
What kind of rumor is that?

408
00:26:58,701 --> 00:26:59,993
Well, you know, I mean, getting mugged...

409
00:27:00,077 --> 00:27:02,495
- You guys have been mugged!
- Yeah, I know, but,

410
00:27:02,579 --> 00:27:05,164
you know, we didn't get beat up
and have all our clothes taken off.

411
00:27:05,249 --> 00:27:08,126
That's not even true.
The medic threw my clothes away.

412
00:27:09,169 --> 00:27:11,421
You know, don't worry about it.
Rumors don't mean shit.

413
00:27:11,505 --> 00:27:13,423
- We know the truth. Yeah.
- Right?

414
00:27:13,507 --> 00:27:15,842
And who knows, buddy,
this might even get you laid.

415
00:27:15,926 --> 00:27:19,220
No, not if she thinks he's gay, Todd.
You fucking retard.

416
00:27:19,305 --> 00:27:21,097
Thanks, Marty,
this is really fucking helping me.

417
00:27:21,181 --> 00:27:22,265
I'm just being honest!

418
00:27:26,145 --> 00:27:28,396
I was getting back to my old self.

419
00:27:28,856 --> 00:27:32,984
I should have quit, of course,
but you can't just reprogram yourself.

420
00:27:33,694 --> 00:27:36,863
What you want, who you are,
your purpose in life.

421
00:27:37,239 --> 00:27:39,365
No, I'm just standing around, you know.

422
00:27:40,242 --> 00:27:41,743
No, I'm not!

423
00:27:41,827 --> 00:27:42,869
It is what it is.

424
00:27:42,953 --> 00:27:44,871
How about that, huh?

425
00:27:46,540 --> 00:27:49,334
Yeah. Didn't see that, did you?

426
00:27:49,418 --> 00:27:51,294
I think it's best that you just walk away.

427
00:27:51,378 --> 00:27:52,670
Well, maybe you shouldn't do that.

428
00:27:53,005 --> 00:27:55,882
What? Are you looking at me?
Well, this is my business.

429
00:28:07,895 --> 00:28:10,980
Me? My hardware was fixed now.

430
00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:14,901
I was back and running
Kick-Ass version 2.0.

431
00:28:24,620 --> 00:28:26,496
Excuse me, have you seen this cat?

432
00:28:26,580 --> 00:28:28,915
- No.
- No? Okay, thank you.

433
00:28:29,208 --> 00:28:31,959
Excuse me, ma'am. Have you seen this cat?

434
00:28:34,213 --> 00:28:36,589
I'm sorry. Did you see this cat?

435
00:28:37,341 --> 00:28:39,133
No? Okay.

436
00:29:00,114 --> 00:29:01,572
Oh, great.

437
00:29:02,950 --> 00:29:05,910
Here, kitty. Here, Mr. Bitey.

438
00:29:11,625 --> 00:29:13,209
Come on... No, no, no, no, no!

439
00:29:13,293 --> 00:29:15,044
No, no, no. Mr. Bitey, come on.

440
00:29:15,546 --> 00:29:18,131
Back here, come on.
Let's get you home. Come on.

441
00:29:31,103 --> 00:29:32,937
Fuck you, Mr. Bitey!

442
00:29:36,608 --> 00:29:39,777
- Oh, God, I'm so sorry, man.
- You fucking green...

443
00:29:41,488 --> 00:29:43,156
Get up. Get him up.

444
00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:45,908
- Get up.
- Thanks, freak.

445
00:29:48,704 --> 00:29:52,165
- Hey, leave him alone!
- Fuck off, man. It's none of your business!

446
00:29:55,127 --> 00:29:56,502
Yes, it is.

447
00:30:24,615 --> 00:30:26,365
Hey! Call 911!

448
00:30:31,872 --> 00:30:34,665
Hey, there's a dude
dressed like a superhero out there

449
00:30:34,750 --> 00:30:36,000
fighting a bunch of guys.

450
00:30:40,672 --> 00:30:41,923
It's fucking awesome!

451
00:31:10,077 --> 00:31:11,702
Leave him alone!

452
00:31:17,751 --> 00:31:20,086
Give it up, man. Just walk away.

453
00:31:21,380 --> 00:31:22,505
No. Never.

454
00:31:23,882 --> 00:31:25,466
What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

455
00:31:25,551 --> 00:31:29,595
You'd rather die for some piece of shit
that you don't even fucking know?

456
00:31:30,389 --> 00:31:31,806
And three assholes

457
00:31:31,890 --> 00:31:33,933
laying into one guy
while everybody else watches,

458
00:31:35,435 --> 00:31:37,603
and you want to know
what's wrong with me?

459
00:31:40,107 --> 00:31:42,233
Yeah, I'd rather die.

460
00:31:42,859 --> 00:31:44,485
So bring it on!

461
00:31:48,574 --> 00:31:49,699
You're fucking crazy, kid.

462
00:31:53,996 --> 00:31:54,996
Fuck.

463
00:31:56,790 --> 00:31:58,416
Thank you.

464
00:31:58,500 --> 00:31:59,542
What?

465
00:32:00,752 --> 00:32:01,794
Thank you.

466
00:32:05,090 --> 00:32:07,341
That fucking rocked. Who are you?

467
00:32:09,886 --> 00:32:11,429
I'm Kick-Ass.

468
00:32:15,976 --> 00:32:18,561
- Dude, you gotta check this shit out.
- What is it?

469
00:32:18,645 --> 00:32:21,814
...on the latest corruption scandal.
And coming up after the hour,

470
00:32:21,898 --> 00:32:25,359
a costumed vigilante
has become the latest Internet phenomenon

471
00:32:25,444 --> 00:32:28,904
after a Hamilton Park resident
filmed the man's remarkable intervention

472
00:32:28,989 --> 00:32:30,448
in a gang-related attack last week.

473
00:32:30,532 --> 00:32:32,325
- This is awesome.
- Fuck, yeah.

474
00:32:32,659 --> 00:32:35,202
Welcome to this special edition
of Eye on New York.

475
00:32:35,704 --> 00:32:38,247
How far would you go
to help your fellow man?

476
00:32:38,498 --> 00:32:41,751
This colorful individual
has been all over the news this week

477
00:32:41,835 --> 00:32:44,920
after a video of his intervention
of street-gang violence

478
00:32:45,005 --> 00:32:47,923
became the most-watched clip
on the Internet.

479
00:32:48,008 --> 00:32:51,385
Three assholes laying into one guy while...

480
00:32:51,470 --> 00:32:57,600
My MySpace, 38 friends.
Kick-Ass's MySpace, 16,000 and counting.

481
00:32:58,018 --> 00:33:01,520
This thing was going crazy,
and I was loving it.

482
00:33:01,605 --> 00:33:05,191
And finally,
we want to know who is this man?

483
00:33:05,275 --> 00:33:08,861
Does anyone have any idea
who this wetsuit crusader is?

484
00:33:09,237 --> 00:33:11,781
He must be someone's son,
someone's brother,

485
00:33:11,865 --> 00:33:13,783
- someone's next-door neighbor.
- Holy shit.

486
00:33:13,867 --> 00:33:15,451
- Have you seen him?
- What happened?

487
00:33:15,535 --> 00:33:17,995
What happened? This guy happened.

488
00:33:19,498 --> 00:33:21,540
It's a great day for America, everybody.

489
00:33:21,625 --> 00:33:25,628
Yeah, everybody's favorite superhero
right now, Kick-Ass, right?

490
00:33:25,712 --> 00:33:28,964
Kick-Ass! Yeah!

491
00:33:29,966 --> 00:33:34,095
I like Kick-Ass! His costume is crappy.

492
00:33:34,346 --> 00:33:35,930
He looks like a transvestite...

493
00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:39,141
You know what? Everyone likes Kick-Ass.

494
00:33:39,226 --> 00:33:41,519
Did you see the clip?
He was actually pretty good.

495
00:33:41,603 --> 00:33:44,230
Good at getting his ass kicked.

496
00:33:44,314 --> 00:33:47,775
He should call himselfAss-Kick instead.

497
00:33:47,859 --> 00:33:49,068
That doesn't even make sense.

498
00:33:49,152 --> 00:33:52,071
...transvestite that is Kick-Ass
will take you down, I say!

499
00:33:52,155 --> 00:33:53,989
That guy's gonna end up dead,
that's what I think.

500
00:33:54,074 --> 00:33:56,367
Are you serious? The guy owns.

501
00:33:56,451 --> 00:33:59,161
I'd e-mail his site
if I had a problem worth fixing.

502
00:33:59,246 --> 00:34:01,414
What? Are you kidding me?
I got 100 guys who can fix a problem,

503
00:34:01,498 --> 00:34:03,874
you'd hire some putz in pantyhose?

504
00:34:03,959 --> 00:34:07,253
Well, I wouldn't wanna get in the way
of your business, where I'm not wanted.

505
00:34:07,337 --> 00:34:09,839
Please, I know
you have mistaken me for Kick-Ass,

506
00:34:09,923 --> 00:34:11,882
but I am not Kick-Ass.

507
00:34:30,527 --> 00:34:33,529
- You don't actually read comics?
- Yeah, I just started.

508
00:34:33,613 --> 00:34:35,114
I got recommended some.

509
00:34:35,198 --> 00:34:38,242
Like Scott Pilgrim and Shojo Beat,
that kind of thing.

510
00:34:38,326 --> 00:34:41,203
I'm not really into
the whole superhero thing, though.

511
00:34:42,038 --> 00:34:45,583
So I guess you're not gonna line up
for that new Kick-Ass comic then?

512
00:34:45,667 --> 00:34:46,709
I guess not.

513
00:34:47,544 --> 00:34:50,045
But you know what?
I was seriously thinking of mailing his site.

514
00:34:50,130 --> 00:34:52,631
I mean, I could really use some help
from a guy like that right now.

515
00:34:52,883 --> 00:34:55,301
Help? Really? What with?

516
00:34:56,344 --> 00:34:58,179
You know I volunteer
at the needle exchange.

517
00:34:59,347 --> 00:35:00,473
No, I didn't.

518
00:35:00,557 --> 00:35:04,143
Well, there's this one guy Rasul,
and I felt so sorry for him.

519
00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:08,314
And the more I found out
about his upbringing and stuff, I just...

520
00:35:10,358 --> 00:35:14,153
Wow, that's weird.
I'm usually the one playing therapist.

521
00:35:16,865 --> 00:35:18,991
Can I make a confession?

522
00:35:19,659 --> 00:35:23,454
Ever since I was little,
I've always wanted a friend

523
00:35:24,164 --> 00:35:25,706
like you.

524
00:35:26,625 --> 00:35:28,209
- Is it okay to say that?
- Yeah.

525
00:35:28,293 --> 00:35:29,919
I mean, that's not homophobic, is it?

526
00:35:31,671 --> 00:35:34,507
I mean, I don't think
you're all the same or anything.

527
00:35:43,350 --> 00:35:47,102
- Of course not, no.
- Thank you.

528
00:35:52,067 --> 00:35:56,362
I don't know if I was everything Katie
had always dreamed her gay BFF would be,

529
00:35:56,446 --> 00:35:58,113
but I tried my best.

530
00:35:58,198 --> 00:36:01,826
But more importantly,
I talked her into mailing Kick-Ass.

531
00:36:02,869 --> 00:36:06,956
Long story short,
this particular lame duck of hers

532
00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:09,708
turned out to be more of a lame cobra.

533
00:36:10,252 --> 00:36:12,545
She didn't want the money back
that she'd given him

534
00:36:12,629 --> 00:36:15,881
or an apology for the black eye
he'd given her.

535
00:36:15,966 --> 00:36:18,092
She just wanted him
to get that they were through

536
00:36:18,176 --> 00:36:19,802
and leave her alone.

537
00:36:19,886 --> 00:36:24,223
And let's be real, no other request
could have given me more pleasure.

538
00:36:41,408 --> 00:36:44,910
Who the fuck are you supposed to be,
the Green Condom?

539
00:36:45,704 --> 00:36:48,664
You know it ain't Halloween
for another few months, kid?

540
00:36:48,748 --> 00:36:49,874
I'm here to see Rasul.

541
00:36:52,085 --> 00:36:53,919
Who the fuck are you?

542
00:36:54,004 --> 00:36:56,505
I'm... I'm a friend of Katie's.

543
00:37:02,596 --> 00:37:04,680
Kids nowadays in their tights.

544
00:37:19,112 --> 00:37:22,072
So, which one of you guys is Rasul?

545
00:37:29,039 --> 00:37:33,083
I'm Rasul. Can't you tell by my big titties?

546
00:37:36,671 --> 00:37:38,964
What is this? Trick or treat or something?

547
00:37:40,175 --> 00:37:42,217
Fuck! Now I'm dead.

548
00:37:43,637 --> 00:37:47,056
I have a message for Rasul
about Katie Deauxma.

549
00:37:50,435 --> 00:37:52,728
- Katie?
- You're Rasul?

550
00:37:53,438 --> 00:37:57,232
Okay. You gotta stay away from Katie now.
It's over.

551
00:37:57,609 --> 00:38:01,111
So if you just leave her alone,
everything will be fine.

552
00:38:01,821 --> 00:38:02,988
What?

553
00:38:04,199 --> 00:38:08,118
Yo, kid, who the hell are you?
And what is this?

554
00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,413
I'm Kick-Ass. Look me up.

555
00:38:11,915 --> 00:38:14,208
And this is me giving you a message.

556
00:38:14,292 --> 00:38:16,335
Leave Katie alone.

557
00:38:28,932 --> 00:38:30,182
Or what?

558
00:38:34,646 --> 00:38:36,981
Or I'll come back

559
00:38:38,525 --> 00:38:40,275
and break your fucking legs.

560
00:38:45,448 --> 00:38:46,991
I'm right here now, baby. What's up?

561
00:38:49,411 --> 00:38:50,703
Oh, fuck!

562
00:38:57,794 --> 00:38:59,044
Hold him.

563
00:39:05,885 --> 00:39:07,928
You are so fucking dead, man.

564
00:39:22,861 --> 00:39:26,530
Okay, you cunts,
let's see what you can do now.

565
00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:31,827
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

566
00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:42,921
Oh, shit!

567
00:39:52,599 --> 00:39:53,640
What the fuck?

568
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:22,836
Hey, I got one of those.

569
00:40:40,897 --> 00:40:42,147
Come on.

570
00:40:42,941 --> 00:40:44,024
So you want to play.

571
00:41:00,959 --> 00:41:02,334
What the fuck?

572
00:41:05,547 --> 00:41:08,841
Dude, that is one gay-looking Taser.

573
00:41:11,803 --> 00:41:14,179
Relax, we're on the same team.

574
00:41:15,348 --> 00:41:17,266
- Hey, get up.
- No...

575
00:41:22,856 --> 00:41:26,400
Now, Hit Girl,
we always keep our backs where?

576
00:41:27,193 --> 00:41:28,986
To the wall, Daddy. I know.

577
00:41:30,113 --> 00:41:31,655
It won't happen again.

578
00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:34,700
- Nice shot, by the way.
- Thank you.

579
00:41:52,594 --> 00:41:53,886
Let's go.

580
00:41:55,263 --> 00:41:58,515
Hey, hey, asshole.
Can't use the front door now.

581
00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:14,865
Wait, wait, wait!

582
00:42:15,742 --> 00:42:16,909
What?

583
00:42:17,952 --> 00:42:19,036
Who are you?

584
00:42:19,412 --> 00:42:20,579
Me?

585
00:42:21,497 --> 00:42:22,998
I'm Hit Girl.

586
00:42:24,584 --> 00:42:26,585
And that's Big Daddy.

587
00:42:33,343 --> 00:42:34,593
Come on.

588
00:42:39,474 --> 00:42:40,515
Come on!

589
00:43:17,387 --> 00:43:20,806
Hit Girl and Big Daddy,
they were the real deal.

590
00:43:23,476 --> 00:43:24,685
Me?

591
00:43:25,311 --> 00:43:28,063
I was just a stupid dick in a wetsuit.

592
00:43:43,663 --> 00:43:45,289
What is this? What am I looking at here?

593
00:43:46,082 --> 00:43:49,418
It was Sal's phone.
They found it in his hand.

594
00:43:49,502 --> 00:43:51,586
He must have taken that
right before he died.

595
00:43:52,088 --> 00:43:56,258
I know this sounds fucked up, Frankie,
but that guy in the picture,

596
00:43:56,759 --> 00:43:59,845
I think it's that superhero nutjob
from the TV.

597
00:44:00,138 --> 00:44:01,179
Who?

598
00:44:02,140 --> 00:44:03,348
Kick-Ass?

599
00:44:04,058 --> 00:44:05,309
One guy?

600
00:44:06,185 --> 00:44:08,979
Hold on, you're telling me
one guy killed eight of my men tonight?

601
00:44:13,860 --> 00:44:17,612
Eight at Sal's place, four at that kid Rasul's.

602
00:44:19,324 --> 00:44:21,408
We have no merchandise
on the street at all?

603
00:44:21,492 --> 00:44:22,659
Right.

604
00:44:25,371 --> 00:44:27,497
- One guy?
- I think.

605
00:44:28,207 --> 00:44:31,877
Man, if you're right, we're gonna look like
the biggest bunch of pussies in New York.

606
00:44:32,545 --> 00:44:33,879
What do you want me to do?

607
00:44:35,048 --> 00:44:39,718
I want Kick-Ass's fucking head
on a stick, and I want it now.

608
00:44:49,562 --> 00:44:51,563
I didn't say anything to anyone, I swear.

609
00:44:51,898 --> 00:44:55,567
Good move, Ass-Kick.
Let's keep it that way.

610
00:44:57,195 --> 00:44:58,403
You know what this is?

611
00:44:59,530 --> 00:45:03,075
It's all the cartridge crap that comes out
of your gay little Taser when you fire it.

612
00:45:03,409 --> 00:45:06,870
You do know the police could have traced
this right back to you if they'd found it?

613
00:45:06,954 --> 00:45:09,623
But lucky for you, I picked it up.

614
00:45:11,292 --> 00:45:12,292
Thank you.

615
00:45:13,378 --> 00:45:17,297
Let's call it insurance.
Makes it easier for us to take your word.

616
00:45:17,507 --> 00:45:20,550
See, we like you, but we don't trust you.

617
00:45:21,928 --> 00:45:24,554
Don't take it personal, though.
We don't trust anybody.

618
00:45:24,639 --> 00:45:30,685
I rerouted your IP address.
Finding you was way too easy.

619
00:45:31,604 --> 00:45:34,689
Shit. Shit, I hadn't thought...

620
00:45:34,982 --> 00:45:37,651
My God, I... I owe you.

621
00:45:38,277 --> 00:45:41,571
You know what? I'm thinking of
just shutting my site down anyway.

622
00:45:41,656 --> 00:45:43,990
Quitting. I mean, this is...

623
00:45:44,242 --> 00:45:47,953
It's fucking insane. I'm in way over my head.

624
00:45:48,246 --> 00:45:50,539
It's a shame. You have potential.

625
00:45:50,623 --> 00:45:53,583
Your call,
but you know we're around if you need us.

626
00:45:55,128 --> 00:45:56,962
How do I get a hold of you?

627
00:45:57,046 --> 00:46:01,299
You just contact the mayor's office.
He has a special signal he shines in the sky.

628
00:46:01,384 --> 00:46:02,968
It's in the shape of a giant cock.

629
00:46:04,303 --> 00:46:06,721
You need us, put on your website
that you're on vacation.

630
00:46:06,806 --> 00:46:09,975
We'll find you.
Hit Girl, back to headquarters.

631
00:46:11,644 --> 00:46:13,103
Sweet dreams.

632
00:46:19,068 --> 00:46:20,735
I need you to get rid of Kick-Ass.

633
00:46:20,820 --> 00:46:23,530
- Yo. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's up?
- What's up?

634
00:46:23,990 --> 00:46:27,617
Kick-Ass is killing my men, Gigante,
that's what's up.

635
00:46:27,702 --> 00:46:29,369
My condolences, Frank.

636
00:46:29,579 --> 00:46:32,873
But I'm afraid
I can't help you out on this one.

637
00:46:32,957 --> 00:46:34,833
Little bit outside my jurisdiction.

638
00:46:35,209 --> 00:46:36,668
Outside your jurisdiction?

639
00:46:37,003 --> 00:46:38,962
You're a fucking cop,
and he's breaking the law.

640
00:46:39,046 --> 00:46:42,340
That's so inside your jurisdiction,
it's ball-deep in your jurisdiction's ass.

641
00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:46,470
Listen, cops pay me to nail the bad guys,
you pay me not to.

642
00:46:47,054 --> 00:46:48,597
Everything else is in the gray area.

643
00:46:48,681 --> 00:46:51,099
Yeah. Fuck you very much, Vic.
Just do it, okay?

644
00:46:53,144 --> 00:46:54,978
Un-fucking-believable.

645
00:46:56,189 --> 00:46:58,356
Where's Cody? He's late.

646
00:46:58,900 --> 00:47:03,028
Thank you, Cody.
We appreciate your co-operation.

647
00:47:03,404 --> 00:47:06,990
Let me out now?
I gave you all them names and addresses.

648
00:47:08,034 --> 00:47:09,451
Hey, I won't say nothing to nobody.

649
00:47:09,535 --> 00:47:12,037
You and your crazy midget friend
can go bash whoever you want...

650
00:47:12,121 --> 00:47:14,789
Hey, come on.
Hey, I know some very bad people uptown,

651
00:47:14,874 --> 00:47:17,959
really nasty individuals.
Let me go. Hey, come on!

652
00:47:18,461 --> 00:47:20,462
Hey, don't do this!
You don't need to do this!

653
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:22,589
Come on. Oh, shit... Please!

654
00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:25,342
Hey! God! No, please, please!

655
00:47:25,551 --> 00:47:26,843
Come on, no, no!

656
00:47:46,656 --> 00:47:48,156
What a douche.

657
00:48:01,796 --> 00:48:04,464
You have done self tan before, right?

658
00:48:04,882 --> 00:48:07,217
Yeah, like, I do it all the time.

659
00:48:08,135 --> 00:48:11,513
Murder, superheroes
breaking into my bedroom,

660
00:48:11,597 --> 00:48:14,599
my life had turned into some
fucked-up dream I couldn't wake up from.

661
00:48:16,394 --> 00:48:19,271
Even the good parts were totally surreal.

662
00:48:19,689 --> 00:48:22,274
Hey, I read those old
Ditko Spider-Mans you gave me.

663
00:48:22,358 --> 00:48:24,734
They're actually pretty good.

664
00:48:24,819 --> 00:48:25,860
Yeah, they are.

665
00:48:27,863 --> 00:48:31,324
And it's been a whole week
since I've heard from Rasul.

666
00:48:33,786 --> 00:48:35,287
That's great.

667
00:49:30,509 --> 00:49:35,263
Once upon a time, there were
two supercops, called Daddy and Marcus,

668
00:49:35,890 --> 00:49:39,225
who were very good at getting bad guys.

669
00:49:39,727 --> 00:49:42,479
Frank D'Amico
was the baddest guy of them all,

670
00:49:42,563 --> 00:49:45,565
and he came up with a plan
to get rid of Daddy.

671
00:49:49,612 --> 00:49:52,697
Being framed as a drug dealer
was the worst possible thing

672
00:49:52,782 --> 00:49:55,200
that could have happened to Daddy.

673
00:49:57,036 --> 00:50:00,664
Prison was not his natural habitat.

674
00:50:00,748 --> 00:50:02,457
He was very upset.

675
00:50:06,087 --> 00:50:09,631
With Daddy in prison,
his pregnant wife was all alone

676
00:50:11,384 --> 00:50:13,093
and could not cope.

677
00:50:15,763 --> 00:50:20,016
But all clouds have a silver lining,
and out of her death,

678
00:50:23,688 --> 00:50:25,397
Mindy was born!

679
00:50:25,981 --> 00:50:28,817
Marcus became the child's guardian,

680
00:50:28,901 --> 00:50:31,820
and Daddy started a plan of his very own.

681
00:50:33,823 --> 00:50:37,992
Five years later, he left prison,
and he was ready.

682
00:50:41,914 --> 00:50:45,375
Now, it was time for Mindy to get ready, too.

683
00:50:53,217 --> 00:50:55,135
How'd you find me, Marcus?

684
00:50:55,761 --> 00:50:58,388
One of us is still a cop, remember?

685
00:51:06,981 --> 00:51:08,815
Is this how you brainwashed Mindy?

686
00:51:08,899 --> 00:51:11,359
You say brainwashed.
I say made it into a game.

687
00:51:11,694 --> 00:51:13,528
You call this playing, Damon?

688
00:51:13,738 --> 00:51:16,740
Vigilante justice, mass murder.
Come on, partner.

689
00:51:19,118 --> 00:51:20,618
So where is she?

690
00:51:21,162 --> 00:51:22,829
- She's safe.
- Can I see her?

691
00:51:24,707 --> 00:51:26,082
I miss her.

692
00:51:27,835 --> 00:51:29,461
I miss you both.

693
00:51:30,212 --> 00:51:33,757
I appreciate your concern.
But you need to go now.

694
00:51:40,139 --> 00:51:43,475
I should warn you, that asshole Gigante
is looking for Kick-Ass.

695
00:51:43,642 --> 00:51:45,560
He got something to do with you, Damon?

696
00:51:45,644 --> 00:51:48,813
You started some kind of
fucked-up superhero club?

697
00:51:49,148 --> 00:51:52,484
- Never heard of him.
- Okay, well, heads up, all right?

698
00:51:52,818 --> 00:51:54,611
You keep carrying on
like you've been carrying on,

699
00:51:54,695 --> 00:51:57,822
it's only a matter of time
before Gigante is looking for you.

700
00:51:57,907 --> 00:52:01,493
He's been on Frank D'Amico's payroll
ever since you passed up the opportunity.

701
00:52:02,578 --> 00:52:04,913
You know I'm not gonna stop.

702
00:52:05,873 --> 00:52:09,334
Not until D'Amico
and his whole damn operation

703
00:52:09,877 --> 00:52:13,296
are burnt to ashes and buried.

704
00:52:15,007 --> 00:52:16,925
It ain't gonna bring her back, Damon.

705
00:52:18,219 --> 00:52:20,595
This is not the life for Mindy.

706
00:52:23,516 --> 00:52:25,600
You owe that kid a childhood.

707
00:52:26,685 --> 00:52:28,436
I'll tell you who owes her a childhood!

708
00:52:29,396 --> 00:52:31,064
Frank D'Amico!

709
00:52:50,167 --> 00:52:51,709
Holy shit.

710
00:52:54,213 --> 00:52:56,631
I don't fucking believe it.

711
00:52:59,969 --> 00:53:01,594
Follow him, around the corner.

712
00:53:02,596 --> 00:53:04,055
Not too fast.

713
00:53:07,226 --> 00:53:08,935
What's with the high-fives?

714
00:53:09,562 --> 00:53:12,272
I'll give you a motherfucking high-five.

715
00:53:12,857 --> 00:53:15,900
High-fiving bullshit.
Keep going, keep going.

716
00:53:16,986 --> 00:53:18,486
Not too close.

717
00:53:23,033 --> 00:53:27,245
He's going in the alley.

718
00:53:27,746 --> 00:53:31,541
Okay, when I tell you, stop the car. Ready?

719
00:53:35,337 --> 00:53:37,255
Hey, Kick-Ass.

720
00:53:38,090 --> 00:53:39,591
How you doing?

721
00:53:41,510 --> 00:53:42,886
Kill my men, huh?

722
00:53:43,220 --> 00:53:45,096
Take my fucking coke?

723
00:53:45,180 --> 00:53:47,181
Whoa! Whoa! Boss, what are you doing?

724
00:53:47,266 --> 00:53:49,309
- Boss, we gotta go, man. Come on, let's go.
- Fucking scumbag!

725
00:53:49,393 --> 00:53:51,603
Frank, Frank, Frank, come on,
he's had enough. Come on.

726
00:53:51,687 --> 00:53:53,646
He's had enough. Come on.

727
00:53:54,189 --> 00:53:56,441
What the fuck are you looking at?

728
00:53:58,652 --> 00:53:59,819
Frank.

729
00:54:09,496 --> 00:54:11,831
Come on, come on,
come on, come on, let's go. We gotta go.

730
00:54:12,917 --> 00:54:15,460
Shit. Come on, come on, get in.

731
00:54:22,343 --> 00:54:25,720
He was so young.
No one should have to die that way.

732
00:54:25,804 --> 00:54:29,057
I mean, I just can't believe he's dead,
that's all.

733
00:54:30,809 --> 00:54:33,478
I know. But, Katie,

734
00:54:34,605 --> 00:54:38,149
guys like Rasul, they get mixed up in stuff...

735
00:54:38,609 --> 00:54:41,945
No, I know, I know.
But what if it was my fault?

736
00:54:42,029 --> 00:54:43,071
What if Kick-Ass did it?

737
00:54:43,155 --> 00:54:45,114
I mean, I feel like
I should call the cops or something.

738
00:54:45,199 --> 00:54:46,991
What? You're talking crazy.

739
00:54:47,534 --> 00:54:50,203
There's no way. He probably
didn't even read your e-mail yet.

740
00:54:50,537 --> 00:54:52,580
- Yeah.
- You've got nothing to worry about.

741
00:54:54,458 --> 00:54:56,167
I'm so glad you're here.

742
00:54:56,794 --> 00:54:57,961
I was such a mess.

743
00:54:58,671 --> 00:55:00,046
That's okay.

744
00:55:00,130 --> 00:55:03,383
- No problem.
- You're the best.

745
00:55:05,386 --> 00:55:09,847
I hope it's okay to say this, but...
It so sucks that you're gay.

746
00:55:13,769 --> 00:55:16,020
I don't fucking believe this.

747
00:55:18,315 --> 00:55:22,276
What kind of
children's enter-fucking-tainer is that?

748
00:55:23,529 --> 00:55:28,741
What kind of kid has a... A Spider-Man
party, sure, but a fucking Kick-Ass party?

749
00:55:28,826 --> 00:55:31,536
What, are they selling paper plates
and napkins down at the store now?

750
00:55:31,620 --> 00:55:34,038
Frank, you're scaring me. You're losing it.

751
00:55:34,373 --> 00:55:37,333
Since when did you start getting
your hands dirty again? And in public!

752
00:55:37,418 --> 00:55:39,794
Since when I ask you fucks
to deliver me Kick-Ass,

753
00:55:39,878 --> 00:55:43,256
- and you don't deliver, that's when.
- Give me a break. It's been a week.

754
00:55:43,340 --> 00:55:46,718
We e-mailed him. We got half the crew out
doing petty crimes as bait.

755
00:55:46,927 --> 00:55:48,469
We're busting our asses here.

756
00:55:49,555 --> 00:55:51,639
What the hell are you doing?

757
00:55:51,724 --> 00:55:53,474
You're back on the powder now, as well?

758
00:55:53,559 --> 00:55:57,562
"Mommy, I want a Kick-Ass party."
Dumb little fucks.

759
00:55:58,731 --> 00:56:01,441
- I know a way you can get him.
- Shit.

760
00:56:01,525 --> 00:56:03,109
Chris, how long you been there?

761
00:56:03,193 --> 00:56:04,569
What the hell are you doing?
Get the hell out.

762
00:56:04,653 --> 00:56:05,987
Do you want to hear it or not?

763
00:56:06,780 --> 00:56:09,282
- Hear what?
- Okay, look,

764
00:56:09,366 --> 00:56:12,326
you're a superhero and you're lonely,
but you can't trust anyone

765
00:56:12,411 --> 00:56:14,078
'cause either
they'll expose your secret identity...

766
00:56:14,163 --> 00:56:16,414
Comic books this kid reads
all fucking day long.

767
00:56:16,498 --> 00:56:20,334
The point is there's only one way
a superhero can trust a stranger.

768
00:56:20,419 --> 00:56:23,755
And I can be that stranger.
You just gotta give me a chance.

769
00:56:23,839 --> 00:56:26,132
I know I can do it. I just need a few things.

770
00:56:28,010 --> 00:56:29,052
Like what?

771
00:56:31,055 --> 00:56:33,014
I need these things.

772
00:56:37,102 --> 00:56:38,936
What, are you fucking kidding me?
What the hell is this?

773
00:56:39,021 --> 00:56:40,855
It's everything I need.

774
00:56:40,939 --> 00:56:43,232
And you might have to screw
someone over, like Louie, or something.

775
00:56:43,317 --> 00:56:46,360
- Louie? Hey, Chris.
- Or somebody. It doesn't have to be Louie.

776
00:56:47,237 --> 00:56:48,613
- Tony!
- Tony.

777
00:56:49,448 --> 00:56:50,948
- Tony?
- I hate Tony.

778
00:56:51,033 --> 00:56:52,617
Yeah, fuck Tony. He's a scumbag.

779
00:56:52,826 --> 00:56:56,204
I swear, Dad, if you let me do this,
it's gonna work.

780
00:57:00,959 --> 00:57:02,043
Tony.

781
00:57:02,461 --> 00:57:05,713
Tony Romita, one of America's
most-wanted crime kingpins,

782
00:57:05,798 --> 00:57:07,548
was arrested in Queens today

783
00:57:07,633 --> 00:57:10,551
after a 911 call from someone
claiming to be a superhero...

784
00:57:10,636 --> 00:57:13,137
So, how are things going with Katie?

785
00:57:14,598 --> 00:57:15,640
Just peachy.

786
00:57:16,141 --> 00:57:17,725
We had a sleepover
and spent the whole night

787
00:57:17,810 --> 00:57:21,145
watching the entire Ugly Betty box set
and did pedicures.

788
00:57:21,730 --> 00:57:24,649
I'm telling you, the longer you wait,
the worse it's gonna get.

789
00:57:24,983 --> 00:57:28,694
I know. I was gonna tell her.
It's just, she seems so happy.

790
00:57:28,779 --> 00:57:30,988
- I don't know when's the right time.
- Now's your chance.

791
00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:34,784
- She didn't see that, did she?
- Hey, guys.

792
00:57:35,536 --> 00:57:37,286
- Hi!
- Hi, sweetie.

793
00:57:37,996 --> 00:57:40,414
Did you watch the TV?
The new superhero guy?

794
00:57:40,499 --> 00:57:42,333
- How cool is that?
- What?

795
00:57:42,501 --> 00:57:45,002
- Hey, look.
- Could you turn it up, please?

796
00:57:45,087 --> 00:57:46,504
- Check this out.
...dressed as Kick-Ass.

797
00:57:46,588 --> 00:57:51,467
But it seems that far from being put off,
this individual, who calls himself Red Mist,

798
00:57:51,552 --> 00:57:53,719
has decided to take
crime-fighting to a new level,

799
00:57:53,804 --> 00:57:57,014
as his actions last night proved.
Red Mist, how do you see it?

800
00:57:57,099 --> 00:57:59,600
Well, I guess folks have just
had enough of living in fear, you know,

801
00:57:59,685 --> 00:58:02,687
and Kick-Ass really proved that
one individual can make a difference.

802
00:58:02,771 --> 00:58:06,607
So if anyone out there needs help,
I'll be fighting crime 25/8.

803
00:58:06,692 --> 00:58:09,610
And I'm just one click away. Redmist. Org.

804
00:58:11,196 --> 00:58:14,782
Can we turn that off now?
What's so special about that guy?

805
00:58:14,867 --> 00:58:17,618
He caught, like, a drug dealer,
some most-wanted guy.

806
00:58:17,953 --> 00:58:19,662
You saw him bringing out
like a ton of stuff.

807
00:58:19,746 --> 00:58:21,289
That's pretty cool.

808
00:58:21,665 --> 00:58:24,000
He's got a way better costume
than Kick-Ass, too.

809
00:58:24,084 --> 00:58:25,543
- He's got a cape.
- Yeah.

810
00:58:25,627 --> 00:58:27,879
- Capes rock.
- Yeah, I'm kind of feeling the cape.

811
00:58:27,963 --> 00:58:29,672
He looks good.

812
00:58:30,382 --> 00:58:32,967
What, better than Kick-Ass?

813
00:58:33,051 --> 00:58:35,928
I mean, they're both kind of hot.
I just think Red Mist has a better body.

814
00:58:36,388 --> 00:58:37,972
Don't you think, Dave?

815
00:58:39,474 --> 00:58:41,142
Yeah, Dave, what do you think?

816
00:58:41,894 --> 00:58:44,562
Is he the kind of guy you'd go for,
with all that leather?

817
00:58:45,814 --> 00:58:49,025
No, Marty. No, he's not really my type.

818
00:59:43,205 --> 00:59:44,455
Kick-Ass!

819
00:59:45,582 --> 00:59:46,624
Red Mist.

820
00:59:48,126 --> 00:59:50,169
Shit! Fuck me, that kind of hurt.

821
00:59:51,463 --> 00:59:54,048
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, no, I'm cool.

822
00:59:54,216 --> 00:59:57,343
I can't believe you're here, man.
Like, you're my hero.

823
00:59:58,011 --> 01:00:00,763
You inspired me. No Kick-Ass, no Red Mist.

824
01:00:00,973 --> 01:00:02,807
- Seriously.
- Wow.

825
01:00:03,350 --> 01:00:06,894
- Hey, really?
- Straight up. And listen, if you...

826
01:00:06,979 --> 01:00:09,772
I don't know, if you wanted me
to be your sidekick or something...

827
01:00:10,649 --> 01:00:11,941
You wanna be my sidekick?

828
01:00:12,234 --> 01:00:15,653
Yeah, man!
You and me together, we would own!

829
01:00:16,280 --> 01:00:18,155
You wanna go fight some crime?

830
01:00:18,573 --> 01:00:19,991
What you mean, like, right now?

831
01:00:20,575 --> 01:00:23,744
Yeah, man, come on.
I got something I wanna show you.

832
01:00:24,329 --> 01:00:25,746
I mean, like, to be honest with you,

833
01:00:25,831 --> 01:00:28,624
I only ever fight crime
between like 9:00 and 2:00, weekdays.

834
01:00:28,709 --> 01:00:31,585
So I'm gonna need to get back pretty soon.

835
01:00:35,173 --> 01:00:36,507
Sweet!

836
01:00:39,011 --> 01:00:41,721
- Is that yours?
- Meet the Mist Mobile.

837
01:00:51,148 --> 01:00:53,858
SatNav. Got my iPhone,
so I can check the websites

838
01:00:53,942 --> 01:00:56,319
for emergencies when I'm driving around.

839
01:00:56,403 --> 01:00:59,280
Got a little bit of mood lighting right there.

840
01:00:59,364 --> 01:01:01,574
Rearview camera, no big deal.

841
01:01:01,658 --> 01:01:03,993
Check this, you're gonna fucking love this.

842
01:01:08,206 --> 01:01:09,707
The mist.

843
01:01:13,170 --> 01:01:14,378
Hey.

844
01:01:14,504 --> 01:01:16,339
That's right, we're superheroes.
You love us.

845
01:01:21,803 --> 01:01:24,180
- Smoke?
- No.

846
01:01:24,264 --> 01:01:27,099
I feel a little weed takes the edge off things
when I'm on patrol, you know?

847
01:01:27,184 --> 01:01:31,187
Going up against a crowd
can get kind of scary, don't you think?

848
01:01:32,731 --> 01:01:33,898
Something wrong?

849
01:01:35,400 --> 01:01:38,736
Yeah. You're so not how I expected.

850
01:01:44,868 --> 01:01:46,619
I got this e-mail from this chick.

851
01:01:46,703 --> 01:01:49,413
She said this guy's
been following her home from work.

852
01:01:49,998 --> 01:01:53,084
I got her address and stuff.
You wanna check it out?

853
01:01:53,168 --> 01:01:55,378
- Sure, why not?
- Cool.

854
01:02:02,928 --> 01:02:04,929
So we're sitting there totally naked, right?

855
01:02:05,097 --> 01:02:09,683
I told her, "Sit on my lap, we'll talk about
the first thing that comes up."

856
01:02:18,151 --> 01:02:20,903
- Yeah?
- Just got the text. He's on his way.

857
01:02:21,279 --> 01:02:22,780
He did very good.

858
01:02:23,448 --> 01:02:26,117
- Don't kill him till I get there.
- Right.

859
01:02:31,832 --> 01:02:34,667
Looks like reading all them comics
paid off, huh?

860
01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:37,211
Your boy did good, Frankie.

861
01:02:39,297 --> 01:02:41,006
He's his father's son.

862
01:02:52,561 --> 01:02:53,936
I forgot.

863
01:03:25,385 --> 01:03:26,927
What the fuck?

864
01:03:31,057 --> 01:03:32,600
Shit.

865
01:03:34,019 --> 01:03:36,687
- Hey, what are you doing?
- There are people in there.

866
01:03:36,855 --> 01:03:39,190
Yeah. Shouldn't we call the fire...

867
01:03:41,026 --> 01:03:42,109
Shit!

868
01:04:00,712 --> 01:04:01,712
Mikey.

869
01:04:03,381 --> 01:04:04,632
Fuck.

870
01:04:05,675 --> 01:04:07,843
- Shit. Fuck.
- Red Mist!

871
01:04:09,763 --> 01:04:12,306
Red Mist! Red Mist!

872
01:04:19,272 --> 01:04:21,899
Hey. Hey, man, can you hear me? Hey.

873
01:04:25,904 --> 01:04:27,404
Jesus Christ!

874
01:04:34,746 --> 01:04:37,831
Red Mist! Red Mist!

875
01:04:38,542 --> 01:04:40,417
Where the fuck are you?

876
01:05:15,036 --> 01:05:18,956
We gotta get the hell out of here.
Dude, move your fucking ass!

877
01:05:37,517 --> 01:05:39,476
Holy shit!

878
01:05:39,936 --> 01:05:42,646
- Did you see those bodies?
- Yeah, man.

879
01:05:45,567 --> 01:05:48,235
- Why'd you save the teddy?
- What?

880
01:05:48,903 --> 01:05:51,030
I don't know, man. Come on.

881
01:06:04,127 --> 01:06:05,294
Come.

882
01:06:05,920 --> 01:06:07,546
What the hell are you doing, Frank?

883
01:06:07,631 --> 01:06:09,590
You know I can't be here.
What if somebody saw...

884
01:06:09,674 --> 01:06:11,925
That motherfucker Kick-Ass
burnt down my warehouse

885
01:06:12,010 --> 01:06:13,761
and killed my men, Gigante.

886
01:06:13,845 --> 01:06:15,763
Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. Kick-Ass?

887
01:06:16,222 --> 01:06:17,848
- Are you sure?
- You gotta help me, Vic.

888
01:06:18,350 --> 01:06:21,185
My son was there, and he's still missing.

889
01:06:21,353 --> 01:06:25,356
They're all dead!
Everybody in the warehouse is dead.

890
01:06:26,733 --> 01:06:29,068
Put the gun down, Vic. It's Chris.

891
01:06:29,861 --> 01:06:31,320
Chris is Red Mist?

892
01:06:31,404 --> 01:06:33,614
It's not Red Mist you gotta worry about.
It's Kick-Ass.

893
01:06:33,698 --> 01:06:36,533
No, no, no, it's not.
Kick-Ass is just some geek, Dad.

894
01:06:36,618 --> 01:06:40,287
You don't have to worry about him.
You need to watch this.

895
01:06:41,873 --> 01:06:44,375
- Why, what does it do?
- Are you fucking kidding me?

896
01:06:44,459 --> 01:06:47,086
- What?
- God damn it, just sit down.

897
01:06:52,258 --> 01:06:54,134
What are you doing?
What the hell is that thing?

898
01:06:54,219 --> 01:06:57,096
You bought this to spy on the nanny
when I was a kid. Don't you remember?

899
01:06:58,056 --> 01:07:00,474
- What, and you put it in the warehouse?
- Yeah, I thought it'd be cool

900
01:07:00,558 --> 01:07:03,519
to put the unmasking of Kick-Ass
on the Internet, okay?

901
01:07:03,812 --> 01:07:05,062
Watch.

902
01:07:09,109 --> 01:07:13,737
I told her, "Sit on my lap, we'll talk about
the first thing that comes up."

903
01:07:16,408 --> 01:07:19,201
- Yeah?
- Just got the text. He's on his way.

904
01:07:19,744 --> 01:07:21,120
He did very good.

905
01:07:21,204 --> 01:07:23,163
- Don't kill him till I get there.
- Right.

906
01:08:38,490 --> 01:08:39,907
Who the hell is this guy?

907
01:08:40,700 --> 01:08:42,201
I don't know, Dad.

908
01:08:42,994 --> 01:08:45,746
But Kick-Ass told me
we're not the only superheroes in town.

909
01:08:45,830 --> 01:08:47,664
Maybe he knows who this guy is.

910
01:08:49,584 --> 01:08:51,835
I want this place locked down.

911
01:08:52,462 --> 01:08:55,005
Nobody comes in, nobody goes out.

912
01:08:56,674 --> 01:08:58,592
Not until somebody finds this cocksucker

913
01:08:58,676 --> 01:09:01,762
and pulls his fucking lungs out
through his ass.

914
01:09:05,016 --> 01:09:07,518
Listen, they're on to you.

915
01:09:07,602 --> 01:09:09,978
Do you hear me? They're on to you.

916
01:09:10,063 --> 01:09:12,689
I thought they were looking for Kick-Ass.

917
01:09:12,774 --> 01:09:16,401
Not anymore. Gigante just put on
a little movie-show for us.

918
01:09:16,486 --> 01:09:21,073
Different superhero in a warehouse,
killing a whole bunch of D'Amico's guys.

919
01:09:21,407 --> 01:09:23,242
I'm gonna take a wild guess that was you.

920
01:09:24,327 --> 01:09:26,829
- I killed all the cameras.
- Apparently not.

921
01:09:26,913 --> 01:09:29,957
Look, bro, you need to get ghost.
Hide yourself quick.

922
01:09:30,750 --> 01:09:31,875
Appreciate it.

923
01:09:36,256 --> 01:09:37,422
Mindy,

924
01:09:38,341 --> 01:09:39,800
no more homework, baby doll.

925
01:09:41,052 --> 01:09:43,554
It's time for Frank D'Amico to go bye-bye.

926
01:09:51,563 --> 01:09:56,650
X-Men, the Fantastic Four,
right now, I envy the crap out of them.

927
01:09:57,694 --> 01:10:01,947
Everything was out of control.
I didn't know what the hell to do.

928
01:10:02,156 --> 01:10:06,368
You okay, buddy? You look tired.
Early night tonight, maybe?

929
01:10:06,452 --> 01:10:08,328
And there was no one
I could talk to about it.

930
01:10:08,413 --> 01:10:10,163
Dave? Hello?

931
01:10:10,582 --> 01:10:12,457
Yeah, you bet I will.

932
01:10:14,919 --> 01:10:16,545
I'd never felt more alone.

933
01:10:20,466 --> 01:10:25,846
I'd always dreamed of being a superhero,
but this was a nightmare.

934
01:10:30,351 --> 01:10:33,478
It was time to stop wearing
this stupid costume.

935
01:10:37,066 --> 01:10:40,027
But there was one last thing I needed it for.

936
01:10:42,113 --> 01:10:45,908
What's the difference between
Spider-Man and Peter Parker?

937
01:10:46,743 --> 01:10:49,077
Spider-Man gets the girl.

938
01:10:56,753 --> 01:10:58,962
Hey, I'm Kick-Ass.

939
01:11:03,760 --> 01:11:05,886
I'm Kick-Ass. You mail me?

940
01:11:06,971 --> 01:11:08,347
Wait...

941
01:11:09,223 --> 01:11:11,475
Fuck! Fuck!

942
01:11:11,684 --> 01:11:14,811
Fucking freak in a mask!
Get out of my house!

943
01:11:14,896 --> 01:11:16,730
I'm not gonna hurt you, all right?

944
01:11:16,814 --> 01:11:18,690
No, no, no! It's me, it's me!

945
01:11:18,775 --> 01:11:21,401
All right?
I was only trying to surprise you. I'm...

946
01:11:21,486 --> 01:11:23,904
- Dave? What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm sorry.

947
01:11:23,988 --> 01:11:26,907
- Why are you dressed as Kick-Ass?
- Because I am Kick-Ass.

948
01:11:27,283 --> 01:11:31,036
- What are you talking about?
- And I'm also not gay.

949
01:11:32,080 --> 01:11:34,706
- Fuck!
- And I'm an idiot and a shit friend.

950
01:11:34,791 --> 01:11:36,375
I lied to you, I know.

951
01:11:36,459 --> 01:11:38,877
- Oh, my God.
- I know. If it makes you feel any better,

952
01:11:38,962 --> 01:11:43,090
I don't think you can hate me any more
right now than I hate myself.

953
01:11:43,675 --> 01:11:45,342
Please, I'm...

954
01:11:46,427 --> 01:11:48,637
Look, I'm really, really sorry.

955
01:11:50,390 --> 01:11:56,520
I've never met anyone who's as beautiful
and as kind and lovely as you.

956
01:12:00,858 --> 01:12:02,567
You deserve better.

957
01:12:21,045 --> 01:12:23,046
- Dave.
- Yes?

958
01:12:24,549 --> 01:12:26,383
My mom has
the burglar alarm on downstairs,

959
01:12:26,467 --> 01:12:29,136
so you should probably use the window.

960
01:12:34,726 --> 01:12:35,851
Or...

961
01:12:40,565 --> 01:12:42,232
Or you could just stay.

962
01:12:43,901 --> 01:12:44,985
Stay?

963
01:12:45,737 --> 01:12:47,237
What, like when we have a sleepover?

964
01:12:54,328 --> 01:12:56,997
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.

965
01:12:59,083 --> 01:13:00,208
Wow.

966
01:13:29,530 --> 01:13:31,782
We gotta get over it,

967
01:13:31,866 --> 01:13:35,702
on top of it, and then into it,
right in the middle of it.

968
01:13:35,787 --> 01:13:37,621
Daddy, I think I found one.

969
01:13:37,705 --> 01:13:40,999
It's perfect,
and they can deliver it in three days.

970
01:13:42,335 --> 01:13:44,544
It's 300,000 bucks.

971
01:13:44,629 --> 01:13:46,713
Can you think of anything else
you'd rather spend it on?

972
01:13:46,798 --> 01:13:49,049
Oh, my gosh!

973
01:13:49,842 --> 01:13:52,511
- That is cool.
- Yeah.

974
01:13:53,805 --> 01:13:55,639
Add to shopping cart.

975
01:13:56,057 --> 01:13:57,140
Okay.

976
01:13:59,811 --> 01:14:03,063
Out of Kick-Ass and Red Mist,
who do you think would win in a fight?

977
01:14:03,439 --> 01:14:06,399
Why are they fighting? That seems stupid.

978
01:14:06,484 --> 01:14:10,403
- What do you think?
- I don't know, but I think Kick-Ass is cuter.

979
01:14:10,488 --> 01:14:11,738
Really?

980
01:14:12,657 --> 01:14:16,326
I, for one, would definitely
fuck his brains out if I got the chance.

981
01:14:18,329 --> 01:14:19,538
You would?

982
01:14:19,622 --> 01:14:20,705
Definitely.

983
01:14:21,290 --> 01:14:24,584
Do you feel like checking out
that new Kate Hudson movie

984
01:14:24,669 --> 01:14:26,419
where she's like a shoe designer,
can't get a guy?

985
01:14:26,504 --> 01:14:29,881
- I think we could make the next showing.
- Hell, yeah.

986
01:14:32,051 --> 01:14:34,136
I guess we're not invited.

987
01:14:34,846 --> 01:14:36,763
All right. You know what? Come here.

988
01:14:36,848 --> 01:14:39,724
I'm going to convert you
to a comics reader right now.

989
01:14:40,184 --> 01:14:44,312
Suddenly, I understood why
superheroes only existed in comic books.

990
01:14:44,397 --> 01:14:47,774
I got why people didn't risk their lives
for strangers.

991
01:14:47,859 --> 01:14:50,152
Because for the first time in my life,

992
01:14:50,236 --> 01:14:52,696
I had something worth living for,

993
01:14:52,780 --> 01:14:54,447
something to lose.

994
01:14:56,367 --> 01:14:58,535
Katie worried about me getting hurt,

995
01:14:58,619 --> 01:15:01,288
so I promised her
my Kick-Ass days were over.

996
01:15:01,372 --> 01:15:04,457
And the truth was I hardly missed it at all.

997
01:15:04,792 --> 01:15:07,544
I hadn't even checked
the website for, like, a week.

998
01:15:11,048 --> 01:15:13,049
Okay, I'm off then.

999
01:15:13,801 --> 01:15:16,261
- No Katie tonight?
- Tomorrow.

1000
01:15:16,554 --> 01:15:19,806
Wednesdays, she's got
one of those volunteer things.

1001
01:15:19,891 --> 01:15:22,642
You seem like a different guy,
you know that?

1002
01:15:22,727 --> 01:15:26,897
Your mom would have been so happy
to see you out of your shell like this.

1003
01:15:26,981 --> 01:15:28,648
Have a good night.

1004
01:15:39,493 --> 01:15:41,912
- Hey, baby.
- Hey, what's going on?

1005
01:15:42,538 --> 01:15:44,122
I gotta do a Kick-Ass thing.

1006
01:15:44,624 --> 01:15:46,958
What? I thought you were done with that.

1007
01:15:47,043 --> 01:15:49,211
This is the last time. I totally swear.

1008
01:15:50,379 --> 01:15:51,588
I worry about you.

1009
01:15:52,423 --> 01:15:54,799
Well, I wish you wouldn't worry.

1010
01:15:55,134 --> 01:15:56,676
I can't help it. I do because I...

1011
01:15:59,096 --> 01:16:00,931
I care about you a lot.

1012
01:16:03,935 --> 01:16:06,102
I care about you a lot, too.

1013
01:16:37,218 --> 01:16:38,551
This better be pretty serious, dude,

1014
01:16:38,636 --> 01:16:41,054
'cause I promised my girlfriend
that I'm done with all this shit.

1015
01:16:41,138 --> 01:16:43,765
How about both of us being dead?
Is that serious enough for you?

1016
01:16:44,517 --> 01:16:46,726
Dead? How?

1017
01:16:46,978 --> 01:16:49,187
It turns out
those dead guys from the warehouse

1018
01:16:49,272 --> 01:16:52,691
had some bad motherfuckers for friends,
and they think we did that shit.

1019
01:16:52,775 --> 01:16:54,776
There's a price on our heads, man.

1020
01:16:54,860 --> 01:16:57,112
A price on our heads?
What is this, the Wild West?

1021
01:16:57,196 --> 01:16:59,990
I'm not messing with you, dude.
They found out where I lived.

1022
01:17:00,074 --> 01:17:01,783
They trashed my place. I'm fucking screwed.

1023
01:17:01,867 --> 01:17:04,536
- And you're gonna be next, okay?
- What?

1024
01:17:07,790 --> 01:17:08,873
Shit.

1025
01:17:10,167 --> 01:17:11,293
What do we do?

1026
01:17:14,547 --> 01:17:17,340
Remember you mentioned
that there are other superheroes?

1027
01:17:17,758 --> 01:17:18,800
Yeah?

1028
01:17:19,719 --> 01:17:21,428
Well, do you think they can help us?

1029
01:17:30,771 --> 01:17:33,189
Hot chocolate, extra marshmallows.

1030
01:17:36,360 --> 01:17:39,738
Man, that looks even cooler
than it did in the picture.

1031
01:17:39,822 --> 01:17:44,159
Child, you know, that's because
in the picture, it didn't have Gatling guns.

1032
01:17:44,452 --> 01:17:45,702
Nice job.

1033
01:17:46,287 --> 01:17:47,620
I'm gonna take mine to bed, okay?

1034
01:17:47,705 --> 01:17:50,123
Okay, baby doll. Sleep tight.

1035
01:17:50,207 --> 01:17:52,709
Thanks. Kick-Ass?

1036
01:17:54,128 --> 01:17:56,755
You go get dressed.
I'll tell him to meet us at Safe House B.

1037
01:17:56,839 --> 01:17:58,965
We'll have our hot chocolate
when we get back.

1038
01:17:59,050 --> 01:18:00,925
- Okay, Daddy.
- Come on.

1039
01:18:10,394 --> 01:18:11,728
- There you go.
- All right.

1040
01:18:12,188 --> 01:18:14,439
- Do you know where that is?
- No, but I'll just put it in the GPS.

1041
01:18:14,523 --> 01:18:17,067
- It's what it's for.
- All right, let's go.

1042
01:18:18,277 --> 01:18:19,402
Shit.

1043
01:19:55,332 --> 01:19:57,000
Okay, okay, okay.

1044
01:20:04,675 --> 01:20:09,429
Well, here you are and Red Mist, too.

1045
01:20:14,935 --> 01:20:17,353
- Pleasure to meet you.
- Good to meet you, sir.

1046
01:20:17,980 --> 01:20:19,564
Please, come in.

1047
01:20:20,065 --> 01:20:21,399
After you.

1048
01:20:24,653 --> 01:20:26,654
Hit Girl, manners, honey.

1049
01:20:29,408 --> 01:20:31,034
Hi, I'm Hit Girl.

1050
01:20:32,328 --> 01:20:38,041
No!

1051
01:20:39,877 --> 01:20:42,086
Your ass is mine! Come on.

1052
01:20:42,171 --> 01:20:43,546
No, he's with me. He's okay.

1053
01:20:43,631 --> 01:20:46,132
Shut the fuck up, kid.
Your daddy's the boss. You go home.

1054
01:20:46,217 --> 01:20:49,469
Are you shitting me? No, he's fine.
He's with me.

1055
01:20:49,762 --> 01:20:52,639
- Let him go.
- Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here.

1056
01:20:52,723 --> 01:20:54,599
Hot damn. I always wanted one of these.

1057
01:20:54,683 --> 01:20:56,351
- You're seriously gonna take that?
- Yes.

1058
01:20:56,435 --> 01:20:57,519
Come on, sweet cheeks.

1059
01:21:02,024 --> 01:21:03,650
If you don't get your
wannabe superhero ass in the car...

1060
01:21:03,734 --> 01:21:05,276
- That's funny.
...you're gonna have a lot of trouble

1061
01:21:05,361 --> 01:21:07,195
- on your hands.
- That's really funny. You're so fired.

1062
01:21:07,279 --> 01:21:09,822
- Kick-Ass...
- Get him out of here. Get him out of here.

1063
01:21:09,907 --> 01:21:12,158
- Get him in the van.
- Let go of me. Put me down.

1064
01:21:12,243 --> 01:21:13,868
Kick-Ass, I'm sorry!

1065
01:21:14,370 --> 01:21:16,579
- Get in the car.
- Get in there!

1066
01:21:29,260 --> 01:21:31,427
You better fire this asshole.

1067
01:21:31,595 --> 01:21:33,096
Ignore him...

1068
01:21:34,098 --> 01:21:35,431
A bazooka?

1069
01:21:37,893 --> 01:21:40,103
- Okay.
- We had a deal, Dad.

1070
01:21:40,187 --> 01:21:42,855
We had a fucking deal
that I would get you the guy who did it,

1071
01:21:42,940 --> 01:21:46,568
and all I'm asking is you let Kick-Ass go.
He didn't do anything wrong.

1072
01:21:46,652 --> 01:21:50,321
Chris, you got to look at this
from my point of view. Okay?

1073
01:21:50,406 --> 01:21:53,241
I gotta send a public service message
to the people out there

1074
01:21:53,617 --> 01:21:56,119
that being a superhero
is bad for your health.

1075
01:21:56,203 --> 01:21:58,830
And the Big motherfucker?
Nobody knows who he is.

1076
01:21:58,914 --> 01:22:02,458
- Yeah, but that's not fair!
- Yeah, life's not fair, kid. Get over it.

1077
01:22:02,543 --> 01:22:03,918
What are you gonna do to them?

1078
01:22:04,795 --> 01:22:07,130
You really wanna be a part of my business?

1079
01:22:09,842 --> 01:22:10,883
Yeah.

1080
01:22:10,968 --> 01:22:14,137
Then sit down, shut up and watch.

1081
01:22:23,022 --> 01:22:26,232
Frank, we're ready. Enjoy the show.

1082
01:22:26,317 --> 01:22:28,443
- Are you controlling this right now?
- I sure am.

1083
01:22:28,527 --> 01:22:30,903
Big Brother, watch and learn.

1084
01:22:31,572 --> 01:22:32,947
Welcome back. Breaking News.

1085
01:22:33,032 --> 01:22:35,742
A worldwide web broadcast
of the New York superhero

1086
01:22:35,826 --> 01:22:39,120
who calls himself Kick-Ass
is about to be shown live.

1087
01:22:39,204 --> 01:22:42,040
Rumors have it that
this will be Kick-Ass's farewell appearance,

1088
01:22:42,458 --> 01:22:44,542
that he will announce
his retirement from crime fighting.

1089
01:22:44,960 --> 01:22:47,086
But as word of mouth continues to spread,

1090
01:22:47,171 --> 01:22:48,671
Internet providers are predicting that

1091
01:22:48,756 --> 01:22:52,342
it could be one of the most widely-viewed
live events in web history.

1092
01:22:52,885 --> 01:22:53,968
Wait, where's Dave?

1093
01:22:54,053 --> 01:22:56,054
There are no clues as yet
as to the exact nature...

1094
01:22:56,138 --> 01:22:58,973
- Holy shit. Have you guys noticed...
- He's with Katie.

1095
01:22:59,058 --> 01:23:01,225
- Obviously.
...come to a standstill to watch.

1096
01:23:01,310 --> 01:23:02,894
Why else would I be here?

1097
01:23:02,978 --> 01:23:06,356
There's no idea as to who is behind
the broadcast of this show,

1098
01:23:06,440 --> 01:23:08,983
but we could see
widespread server crashes...

1099
01:23:09,902 --> 01:23:11,944
Dave, why didn't you tell me
this is what you were doing?

1100
01:23:12,029 --> 01:23:13,905
You're on the news. Call me.

1101
01:23:13,989 --> 01:23:17,241
We go now over live to the countdown
clock as we are moments away.

1102
01:23:29,838 --> 01:23:31,214
Show time.

1103
01:23:33,300 --> 01:23:35,176
Hello, boys and girls.

1104
01:23:35,636 --> 01:23:37,095
Now, this...

1105
01:23:38,347 --> 01:23:39,806
Well, you know who this guy is.

1106
01:23:39,890 --> 01:23:42,725
And this guy here is Big Daddy.

1107
01:23:43,394 --> 01:23:45,561
And these are my friends.

1108
01:23:45,646 --> 01:23:47,689
Come on in, guys, say hello.

1109
01:23:47,773 --> 01:23:51,150
Yeah, yeah, there they are. Hello, hello.

1110
01:23:51,235 --> 01:23:54,696
Now Big Daddy and Kick-Ass
are gonna help us

1111
01:23:54,780 --> 01:23:59,325
show you why being a hero is a bad idea.

1112
01:23:59,868 --> 01:24:01,327
You know what a silent "K" is?

1113
01:24:01,829 --> 01:24:03,705
That's when "K" is
at the beginning of the word,

1114
01:24:03,789 --> 01:24:06,624
but you don't pronounce it.
Like in the word "Knuckleduster."

1115
01:24:06,709 --> 01:24:09,252
Show them what
a knuckleduster can do, guy.

1116
01:24:10,170 --> 01:24:12,380
That must have hurt!
Let's see that again from the other side.

1117
01:24:12,464 --> 01:24:14,841
Go on. Yeah, I think it did.

1118
01:24:14,925 --> 01:24:19,387
Now in France, they say the word "stick"
like this, bâton.

1119
01:24:19,763 --> 01:24:21,347
We got some of Kick-Ass's bâtons.

1120
01:24:21,432 --> 01:24:24,392
We're gonna show you what they can do.
Go ahead, boys.

1121
01:24:27,604 --> 01:24:31,482
In America, we say "stick" like this.
Baseball bat.

1122
01:24:31,942 --> 01:24:36,028
Which is very good
for hitting knees and stomachs.

1123
01:24:36,113 --> 01:24:38,614
It's also good for hitting balls.

1124
01:24:39,575 --> 01:24:41,659
Know what else we do?
We don't do them individually.

1125
01:24:41,952 --> 01:24:45,705
We do them all together.
Gentlemen, please.

1126
01:24:45,789 --> 01:24:48,833
Yeah. This looks very painful.

1127
01:24:52,463 --> 01:24:56,466
Due to the distressing nature of the images,
we are unable to broadcast the events

1128
01:24:56,550 --> 01:24:58,384
currently streaming live on the Internet.

1129
01:24:58,469 --> 01:25:00,720
- Fuck.
- No. No, no, no.

1130
01:25:02,973 --> 01:25:07,059
Despite initial speculation that this may be
some kind of hoax or publicity stunt,

1131
01:25:07,144 --> 01:25:10,396
it is now clear that the hostages
are in genuine danger,

1132
01:25:10,481 --> 01:25:14,859
that all signs point to the intention to stage
a live execution in the next few minutes.

1133
01:25:28,832 --> 01:25:32,585
Even with my metal plates
and my fucked-up nerve endings,

1134
01:25:32,669 --> 01:25:35,338
I got to tell you, that hurt.

1135
01:25:37,674 --> 01:25:39,175
The kerosene.

1136
01:25:39,510 --> 01:25:41,052
Yes, the silent killer.

1137
01:25:41,136 --> 01:25:45,014
But not half as much as the idea
of leaving everything behind.

1138
01:25:45,474 --> 01:25:46,766
Katie,

1139
01:25:46,850 --> 01:25:48,184
my dad,

1140
01:25:48,811 --> 01:25:50,186
Todd and Marty.

1141
01:25:50,646 --> 01:25:54,774
And all the things I'd never do,
like learn to drive,

1142
01:25:55,442 --> 01:25:57,985
or see what me and Katie's kids
would look like

1143
01:25:58,070 --> 01:25:59,987
or find out what happened on Lost.

1144
01:26:00,072 --> 01:26:01,155
Spicy, spicy.

1145
01:26:01,240 --> 01:26:02,865
And if you're reassuring yourself

1146
01:26:02,950 --> 01:26:06,118
that I'm gonna make it through this
since I'm talking to you now,

1147
01:26:07,037 --> 01:26:08,788
quit being such a smartass.

1148
01:26:09,373 --> 01:26:14,919
Hell, dude, you never seen Sin City,
Sunset Blvd., American Beauty?

1149
01:26:15,879 --> 01:26:18,923
And this, for all you cavemen out there,

1150
01:26:20,050 --> 01:26:21,592
is fire.

1151
01:26:22,636 --> 01:26:23,803
No.

1152
01:26:29,643 --> 01:26:30,768
I know.

1153
01:26:31,353 --> 01:26:32,895
Fire. Fire is good.

1154
01:26:34,439 --> 01:26:36,524
Fire is our friend.

1155
01:26:37,401 --> 01:26:38,776
Yeah, yeah.

1156
01:26:45,075 --> 01:26:46,117
Gentlemen,

1157
01:26:48,495 --> 01:26:49,912
time to die.

1158
01:26:55,752 --> 01:26:56,794
What the...

1159
01:27:01,675 --> 01:27:05,303
What the fuck just happened? Hey, hey.
Somebody find the lights.

1160
01:27:05,846 --> 01:27:07,013
Hello!

1161
01:27:08,265 --> 01:27:09,473
Jimmy.

1162
01:27:18,317 --> 01:27:19,650
Jesus Christ.

1163
01:27:20,777 --> 01:27:22,695
Bobby? Bobby?

1164
01:27:56,146 --> 01:27:57,521
Get the lighter!

1165
01:27:58,482 --> 01:28:00,983
It's on the floor right over there.
Find the lighter.

1166
01:28:06,823 --> 01:28:08,074
I got it.

1167
01:28:22,339 --> 01:28:25,049
- No!
- Take cover, child.

1168
01:28:30,597 --> 01:28:34,350
Now switch to Kryptonite.

1169
01:28:34,768 --> 01:28:36,143
Kryptonite.

1170
01:29:05,632 --> 01:29:09,468
Go to Robin's Revenge!

1171
01:29:09,553 --> 01:29:11,262
Robin, Robin.

1172
01:29:56,433 --> 01:29:57,933
Show's over, motherfuckers.

1173
01:30:03,315 --> 01:30:06,108
Yeah! I think I'm in love with her, dude.

1174
01:30:06,485 --> 01:30:08,986
She looks like
she's about 11 years old, but...

1175
01:30:09,071 --> 01:30:12,406
I can wait!
I solemnly vow to save myself for her.

1176
01:30:13,450 --> 01:30:16,619
That should be really difficult for you.
Are you okay?

1177
01:30:17,037 --> 01:30:18,162
Yeah.

1178
01:30:37,474 --> 01:30:38,808
Good job.

1179
01:30:47,400 --> 01:30:49,693
I'm so proud of you, baby doll.

1180
01:30:52,405 --> 01:30:53,864
Are you okay?

1181
01:30:59,579 --> 01:31:02,873
But getting shot, Daddy,
it hurt a lot more than when you did it.

1182
01:31:04,793 --> 01:31:08,504
That's 'cause I used
low velocity rounds, child.

1183
01:31:13,343 --> 01:31:15,219
You're the kindest daddy
in the whole world.

1184
01:31:15,887 --> 01:31:17,346
No, I just...

1185
01:31:20,350 --> 01:31:21,725
I love you.

1186
01:31:27,023 --> 01:31:38,450
I love you, too, Daddy.

1187
01:31:39,995 --> 01:31:41,370
Sleep tight.

1188
01:32:00,599 --> 01:32:01,891
What's your name?

1189
01:32:02,976 --> 01:32:04,643
I mean your real name.

1190
01:32:05,020 --> 01:32:07,605
A superhero never reveals his true identity.

1191
01:32:07,689 --> 01:32:10,274
What? Look, you can't go on...

1192
01:32:11,902 --> 01:32:14,069
However you lived before,

1193
01:32:17,657 --> 01:32:18,782
it's over.

1194
01:32:21,203 --> 01:32:24,079
Is there anybody else? Your family or...

1195
01:32:24,164 --> 01:32:26,498
Look, I can take care of myself.

1196
01:32:27,250 --> 01:32:29,001
I saved your sorry ass.

1197
01:32:29,920 --> 01:32:33,881
What about money, huh?
All right, 'cause you got to think long term.

1198
01:32:33,965 --> 01:32:36,592
I've got $3 million in a suitcase.

1199
01:32:37,719 --> 01:32:40,095
That "long term" enough for you?

1200
01:32:42,849 --> 01:32:45,059
It's not all about the money.

1201
01:32:46,353 --> 01:32:47,686
I owe you.

1202
01:32:49,231 --> 01:32:51,273
If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead.

1203
01:32:52,609 --> 01:32:54,610
And if it wasn't for you,

1204
01:32:56,112 --> 01:32:57,279
my dad wouldn't be.

1205
01:33:14,798 --> 01:33:15,923
Look,

1206
01:33:17,008 --> 01:33:20,552
pack up whatever you need
and we'll go back to my place.

1207
01:33:21,972 --> 01:33:24,014
I just need to clean my...

1208
01:33:24,641 --> 01:33:25,808
Just go.

1209
01:34:21,156 --> 01:34:25,701
I meant like pajamas and clothes and stuff.
You can't take that stuff to my house.

1210
01:34:25,910 --> 01:34:27,619
You know what my dad
really would have wanted?

1211
01:34:33,501 --> 01:34:36,170
He would have wanted me
to finish what we started.

1212
01:34:37,380 --> 01:34:39,048
And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

1213
01:34:56,441 --> 01:34:58,692
Is this Frank D'Amico's place?

1214
01:34:59,361 --> 01:35:01,028
All that security?

1215
01:35:01,529 --> 01:35:04,948
- Are you crazy?
- My mom already died for nothing.

1216
01:35:06,326 --> 01:35:09,370
So I'm sure as hell
not gonna let my dad die for nothing, too.

1217
01:35:11,748 --> 01:35:13,248
You can't do this on your own.

1218
01:35:15,668 --> 01:35:16,919
Exactly.

1219
01:35:19,672 --> 01:35:21,256
Do you wanna deal with owing my dad?

1220
01:35:23,426 --> 01:35:25,594
Then shut the hell up
and pick your weapon.

1221
01:35:34,813 --> 01:35:36,271
Is that what I think it is?

1222
01:35:37,941 --> 01:35:39,274
Damn straight.

1223
01:35:39,359 --> 01:35:41,860
And you better start
reading the instructions,

1224
01:35:41,945 --> 01:35:45,406
'cause you're gonna be
using it in about five minutes.

1225
01:35:52,580 --> 01:35:55,833
Yo, listen up. We got five minutes,
then I want you back on your posts.

1226
01:35:56,167 --> 01:35:57,668
And don't leave a mess.

1227
01:36:12,392 --> 01:36:15,310
- Everything okay?
- Everything's all right, boss.

1228
01:36:17,105 --> 01:36:18,981
I can't believe I got my gun back.
Look at that.

1229
01:36:19,649 --> 01:36:21,316
You know, it's not the...

1230
01:36:25,488 --> 01:36:26,822
Let her in.

1231
01:36:30,118 --> 01:36:33,162
It's a little kid. What's the matter with you?

1232
01:36:37,333 --> 01:36:39,168
You okay, sweetheart?

1233
01:36:39,335 --> 01:36:40,377
I...

1234
01:36:41,296 --> 01:36:42,921
I lost my mommy and daddy.

1235
01:36:43,673 --> 01:36:45,215
She lost her mommy and daddy.

1236
01:36:46,676 --> 01:36:48,886
You want to use my cell phone?

1237
01:36:49,888 --> 01:36:52,222
Now can you remember the number?

1238
01:37:01,483 --> 01:37:02,566
Help!

1239
01:37:35,892 --> 01:37:38,310
Had I ever been a real superhero?

1240
01:37:39,229 --> 01:37:41,855
The most I'd ever had to offer the world
was good intentions

1241
01:37:41,940 --> 01:37:45,234
and a slightly elevated capacity
to take a kicking.

1242
01:37:47,070 --> 01:37:50,572
With no power comes no responsibility.

1243
01:37:51,783 --> 01:37:55,077
Except that wasn't true.

1244
01:38:43,251 --> 01:38:44,459
- Did you hear that?
- Holy shit.

1245
01:38:44,544 --> 01:38:46,295
Take cover, please.

1246
01:40:11,464 --> 01:40:12,673
Shit.

1247
01:40:13,633 --> 01:40:14,675
No.

1248
01:40:16,719 --> 01:40:17,844
Shit.

1249
01:40:20,932 --> 01:40:22,432
What the fuck?

1250
01:40:26,979 --> 01:40:28,814
Get in here. Help me out!

1251
01:40:34,070 --> 01:40:36,697
Holy fuck, Fashion, everybody's dead.

1252
01:40:38,908 --> 01:40:40,867
She's behind the counter.
She's out of ammo, okay?

1253
01:40:56,592 --> 01:40:58,719
Do you think they got them?

1254
01:40:58,803 --> 01:41:00,762
If they didn't, he will.

1255
01:41:02,098 --> 01:41:03,682
Get out there.

1256
01:41:03,850 --> 01:41:04,850
Now?

1257
01:41:04,934 --> 01:41:06,268
Yeah, now.

1258
01:41:16,863 --> 01:41:18,113
What the fuck is going on?

1259
01:41:18,197 --> 01:41:19,990
We got her trapped. She's unarmed.

1260
01:41:20,074 --> 01:41:22,367
So what in the hell
are you guys waiting for?

1261
01:41:22,452 --> 01:41:24,077
- Go get her.
- Go on, man.

1262
01:41:24,162 --> 01:41:26,037
- Go get her.
- I ain't got no fucking gun.

1263
01:41:26,122 --> 01:41:27,789
I'm not going in.

1264
01:41:29,459 --> 01:41:30,792
You do now.

1265
01:41:31,836 --> 01:41:33,128
Now move.

1266
01:41:53,065 --> 01:41:55,984
Fuck this shit. I'm getting the bazooka.

1267
01:41:58,404 --> 01:42:01,156
Bazooka?

1268
01:42:02,617 --> 01:42:05,118
It's only me, boss.
Everything's under control.

1269
01:42:17,507 --> 01:42:21,760
Under control? You're grabbing
a fucking bazooka, you dumbass.

1270
01:42:23,805 --> 01:42:24,846
Sir?

1271
01:42:26,849 --> 01:42:28,016
Do it.

1272
01:42:49,372 --> 01:42:50,580
I always wanted to say this.

1273
01:42:53,334 --> 01:42:55,877
Say hello to my little friend!

1274
01:43:27,410 --> 01:43:28,827
Dirty motherfuckers!

1275
01:43:54,937 --> 01:43:56,271
Holy shit.

1276
01:44:04,864 --> 01:44:07,240
That is one weird-sounding bazooka.

1277
01:44:07,325 --> 01:44:08,408
Stu!

1278
01:44:13,998 --> 01:44:15,123
Fuck!

1279
01:44:25,217 --> 01:44:26,468
Get him.

1280
01:44:35,728 --> 01:44:37,520
Playtime's over, kid.

1281
01:44:38,731 --> 01:44:40,357
I never play.

1282
01:44:41,567 --> 01:44:42,901
Oh, really?

1283
01:46:00,730 --> 01:46:02,105
Ruin my business, huh?

1284
01:46:04,025 --> 01:46:06,901
Kill every single fucking guy on my payroll?

1285
01:46:36,891 --> 01:46:38,933
God, I wish I had a son like you.

1286
01:46:45,858 --> 01:46:47,901
Time for a family reunion.

1287
01:46:49,570 --> 01:46:50,695
Hey.

1288
01:46:51,447 --> 01:46:54,365
Why don't you pick on someone
your own size?

1289
01:47:13,552 --> 01:47:15,553
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

1290
01:47:17,098 --> 01:47:18,515
Time to go home.

1291
01:48:55,571 --> 01:48:56,863
Thanks, Kick-Ass.

1292
01:48:57,406 --> 01:48:58,740
My daddy,

1293
01:49:01,368 --> 01:49:03,411
he would have been proud of both of us.

1294
01:49:14,006 --> 01:49:15,048
Dave.

1295
01:49:16,091 --> 01:49:17,592
Dave Lizewski.

1296
01:49:17,968 --> 01:49:19,260
I know that, dumbass.

1297
01:49:30,648 --> 01:49:31,814
Mindy.

1298
01:49:33,442 --> 01:49:34,984
Mindy Macready.

1299
01:49:51,585 --> 01:49:53,336
- Have a good day. Bye.
- Bye.

1300
01:49:56,090 --> 01:49:59,133
Mindy moved in with Marcus,
and he enrolled her at my school.

1301
01:49:59,218 --> 01:50:00,843
- Bye.
- Good luck.

1302
01:50:01,887 --> 01:50:05,765
First school she'd ever been to,
on the promise that I'd look out for her.

1303
01:50:06,976 --> 01:50:07,976
Hey.

1304
01:50:08,060 --> 01:50:09,560
Not that she needed me to.

1305
01:50:09,645 --> 01:50:11,104
Hey, new kid.

1306
01:50:11,438 --> 01:50:12,480
Hi.

1307
01:50:12,982 --> 01:50:14,440
Lunch money.

1308
01:50:14,984 --> 01:50:16,109
Now.

1309
01:50:23,993 --> 01:50:26,619
Kick-Ass was gone, but not forgotten.

1310
01:50:27,746 --> 01:50:30,915
And my world was much safer
with all the new superheroes.

1311
01:50:32,167 --> 01:50:34,377
They said I was their inspiration,

1312
01:50:34,837 --> 01:50:37,588
but all I did was make a door
into a world I'd dreamed about

1313
01:50:37,673 --> 01:50:39,674
since I was a little kid.

1314
01:50:40,342 --> 01:50:42,760
A world full of superheroes, huh?

1315
01:50:45,139 --> 01:50:47,181
As a great man once said,

1316
01:50:50,019 --> 01:50:52,478
"Wait till they get a load of me."