- Good. Are you on? - Yeah, we're ready.
My name is Calvin Cutler.
What you're about to witness is the most badass,
fucked-up thing you'll ever see.
We call this the "Bull's Eye."
Oh, yeah. Don't try this at home.
You're good? You ready, buddy? All right. Right, ready?
One... two... three!
Tell me we got it. Just...
Did we? No! No way, we got it! No fucking way, dude!
We got it! We got it! We got... - Oh, shit!
Look at that! Look at that! Dude. Bull's eye, bro!
Awesome!
We're putting it on You Tube! Let's go! Yeah!
Dude, we got a view!
Yeah, buddy, that was us when we uploaded it.
Well, then upload it again so we can have two views.
I-I don't think that's how it works.
- Hit "refresh," dude. - Oh, yeah.
- No way. - That can't be right.
- Do me a favor. - I just refreshed it.
Let's see if it pulls up.
No way. Twenty-five thousand views, man!
Five hundred thousand!
- One million? Yes! - You're too money!
- I told you we're gonna be famous. - We're gonna be famous and...
April fools, suckers!
I took the liberty of cloning You Tube and hyper-inflating your views.
...You... You little shit!
Did you just try to hit me through your computer screen?
Yeah, I did!
Why don't you come in here so I can hit you like a real man, pussy!
Working on my science project. Enjoy your page views.
God, he's such a little spaz!
- We need revenge. - We do.
- We need to April fools prank him. - Yeah!
- Hit him where it hurts. - Square in his balls.
No! We gotta do something better.
We steal his computer and load it full of viruses.
- Wait, where do we get viruses? - Uh, duh! Porn sites.
Hy do you think my computer's so slow? It's full of 'em.
Oh, okay, but how-how do we get his laptop if it's in his room?
We can't just-just kick in the door and steal it.
How do you lure a dragon out of a lion's den?
I don't know.
- You present him with a challenge. - Challenge?
A challenge. Jus... Follow my lead.
- Baxter! Baxter, my man! - What?
Uh, me and J.J., we have this computer problem.
There's this movie on the Internet and we can't find it.
Can you help us?
You're trying to get back at me for that prank, right?
No! Truce! Truce. Seriously, we just, uh...
we need to find it, uh, before the FBI takes it down.
You said the FBI?
- Fucking FBI, the CIA... - The CSI, NCIS...
I mean, this video is so illegal,
it has been banned by every country in the world.
Including Amsterdam.
Where you could slap a cop in the face with your penis,
and they'd say, "danka."
Amsterdam is not a country!
- Amsterdam's not a country? - Since when?
The shit's still banned there, dude.
Yeah. Think about it. They... It's- It's like it's the-the-the fucking...
It's the most dangerous film in the world.
- It is. - What's it called?
Actually, you know what, Baxter? You're right.
It was an April Fool's prank.
I'm sorry we brought you into this.
You know, you should probably just...
go on with your life and never think about this again. Please.
Wait.
- What's so bad about it? - You don't wanna know.
What's so bad about it?
Hey, slim! What's so bad about it?
- It can kill you. - How?
It can make you shit out your intestines.
It can make you bleed out of your eyes.
You know, one guy saw it,
and he ran into a church, and he just started humping the nuns.
That was a huge story a few years back.
It can make you pull off your own dick.
Okay, why would you want to watch it...
if it can make you pull off your own dick?
Because...
if you can watch it all the way through from the beginning to end,
you're rewarded beyond your wildest dreams.
With money. And sex. And women.
It's like that movie The Ring, but with a good ending.
- Yeah. And boobs. - Lots of boobs.
So what's this movie called?
Movie.
- Forty-three. - Movie forty-three.
It's not on Zwoogle.
Yeah, of course it's not on Zwoogle. It's banned!
Okay. Then I guess we'll need to dig deeper.
Visit some dark corners of the Internet.
Mm, yeah, the dark corners, dude.
Yeah, get in there. We gotta find this thing.
I found a cloaked server that houses banned videos.
Start out with the forty-third one on the list. Sound good?
Yes! Yeah, you guys keep working on this.
I'm gonna go guard the door for the uh, FBI,
the CIA, and Mom.
Look at this. Check it out.
Hey. Ooh! You look good.
Hope you're almost ready. He's gonna be here any second.
I don't know why I'm doing this, Pam. I don't trust Julie.
- I mean, what if this guy's a loser? - He's not a loser.
He made senior partner at his law firm by the time he was,
like, twenty-eight.
So all he cares about is his career and money.
Mm, not according to Julie. He's a volunteer with the Special Olympics,
he's on the board of the New York Philharmonic...
He's opening a new restaurant with Derek Jeter!
But he's probably got one of those awkward character faces...
that sort of really has to grow on you, right?
Mr. "Character Face" is on the cover of Gotham Magazine.
- That's him? - That's him.
Yeah.
And he's here. Go.
- Do I look okay? - Gorgeous.
- You sure? - Have fun!
Bye!
- I mean, you gotta be kidding. - Several of them.
I'm telling you, don't knock shopping on TV until you've tried it.
Beth, I think-I think you're the first person I've ever met...
who actually buys stuff off television.
- No! Come on! - No, it's true.
Oh, well where do you think I got this scarf?
And you know what? I bet it's softer than yours.
Okay. See, that's where I draw the line.
Do not start putting down the scarf.
Here. Feel this. One-hundred percent pashmina.
Well, at least that's what the guy on the street told me.
Come on, then. Wow, that is soft. Well, you know, l...
Hey, Mr. H. Table's ready, sir.
Great.
- I'll take those. - Thank you.
- Please. - Our table's ready.
Thank you.
After you.
So, um, Carrie tells me you design clothes for kids. No?
Yes. Clothes for kids. I design...
clothes... for kids. Kids clothes.
Awesome. Awesome.
So, if I see some kids looking weird this summer, it may be your fault, huh?
I'm just joking. I'm just joking.
Your Russian Standard Vodka, sir.
Am I that predictable, Abby?
Eh... Yeah, you good with that? Or would you prefer a glass of wine or?
No. No, I c-I could, use it.
Thank you.
So, here's to a, Here's to a wonderful evening. Cheers.
Cheers.
Those Russians know something.
This is... a nice place.
Oh, it's great. This pl... Oh, you gotta check out the ceiling.
Those beams were taken out...
of this old Quaker meetinghouse out in rural Pennsylvania.
I mean, look. It's all oak. Isn't that something? It's gorgeous, huh?
Oh, wow, Jake. What's this?
Well, Mr. H, this is a vichyssoise courtesy of Chef Billy.
Now, he heard that you guys were coming in tonight,
so he's put together a special four-course meal for you.
Lobster okay tonight?
That's okay with me if it's okay with you,
un-unless you wanna check out the menu.
Beth? Unless you wanna check out the menu, or?
- No, that's sounds lovely. - Right.
Terrific.
Please thank the chef. Thank you.
Bon AppŽtit.
Oh, you've, got something on your...
Something on my neck? Leave it to me to embarrass myself on a first date.
Here...
There? There? I got it?
A little bit... bit more on-on the left b-ball... One.
Uh, left side. Of... Dribbly bit. O
Thanks. I mean, no biggie. Trust me, I've been through worse. I mean, as...
As a kid, I used to get made fun of all the time.
Was it, because of your...
My stutter. I-I used to have a really bad stutter.
Actually took probably nine years of speech therapy to get rid of it.
So, was there anything else they... may have made fun of?
- I don't know. - Anything at all?
Oh, yeah, some kids used to talk a little smack about my neck.
- You know. - Oh, thank God!
- What's up? - I thought I was going crazy. I...
What?
I mean... not a big deal... at all.
It's just, what is the story there?
Well, when I was six, I fell off my bike and I landed on a sprinkler head...
and they had to stitch me up at the hospital.
See, it's, it's just a scar. Right?
I mean, kids could be mean. They used to call me Frankenstein.
They're like, "He's alive. He's alive!"
Well, I don't care, you know. Kids make fun of everything, right?
Is it just me or did it suddenly get a little chilly in here?
I think it may be that vent there.
- Here we are. - Man! Look at the size of those things.
Oh, Jake, buddy, would you mind turning up the heat just a tad?
I think that, that vent's blowing right on... Not a problem.
Thank you.
And, uh, just let me go ahead and...
- Sure. - Get this out of your way here.
Oh, God! Are you-Are you okay?
It's my stomach. There's...
Just get my breath back, you know.
There he is! There's the stud!
Hey! Angie! Ray!
Hey, how the hell are you guys? You're good?
Apparently not as good as you.
Hi, I'm Angie and this is my husband Ray.
- Hi. - This is my new friend, Beth.
She's slowly restoring my faith in blind dates.
Well, kudos to you, Beth,
for getting this old workaholic out of his office for once.
Come on. Come on, Ray.
Nice work! You caught the big one!
Did I?
But... Do you not notice the...
- Look how big little Evan's getting! - Yeah. Little?
Yeah. He's growing like crazy.
- No. - Who's a big boy?
Who's a big boy, huh?
Wow, Ray, he's a monster. You got yourself a little linebacker here.
A little linebacker that needs to go to bed!
Okay. You're off to bed. There you go.
- Fumble. - Another pacifier down.
I got it.
Thanks, buddy. Thanks bud.
Here, bud. Angie?
You guys look so cute. I gotta take a picture.
Really?
- Angie, please. - Hey, let-let the man eat, honey.
Come on, Ray. We have a picture of our first date.
They should have a picture of theirs.
Come on, get your fanny over there behind her and don't be shy.
- All right. Okay, okay. All right. - Okay.
- I'm sorry about this. - Get in close.
Beth, I'm gonna need you to hold still.
Oh, God, they look so...
Get down! Get your face down next to hers! Come on!
Take it. Take it. Take it, take it, take it, take it.
- So good! - How's that?
Now why don't you give each other a little kiss?
Oh, come on. Angie, we just met.
Come on, let 'em eat! Let the man eat!
- Come on! Just a little kiss. - All right, all right.
We'll do one, one kiss on the forehead.
- One peck on the forehead. - We don't need to.
- Ready? Okay. - We really don't.
We don't need...
The fuck, man! Keep looking.
Let's try the forty-second one.
Yeah, yeah, good idea.
Boobs.
Pornography with viruses.
Yeah, Baxter, you're going down.
Keep looking.
It's uh, roast Sumatra. I grind the beans myself.
Hey, thanks again for dinner. You really didn't have to do this.
Oh, please.
What kind of neighbors would we be...
if we didn't have you over for a welcome dinner?
Sean, Samantha was just saying that they homeschool their son.
Oh, that is interesting.
Well, we just think it's the only way to make sure...
that he gets the best education possible.
You should really consider it for your kids.
Hey, you know, Kevin's upstairs doing his homework right now.
I'm sure he'd love to talk to you guys about it.
Wait. He... So you homeschool your son but he still gets homework?
It's very important to us that Kevin has...
a normal and complete high school experience.
Written assignments are to be done in black ink. Not green or blue or pink.
When are you gonna get that through your thick skull, Mr. Morris?
It's Miller.
That's a detention.
Move, move, move, move, move! Pick it up! Pick it up!
Come on, girlfriend, pick your knees up!
Oh, I-I see. It's...
But don't you feel like maybe he's, I don't know, missing out?
Yeah, high school is about more than just classes and homework.
Absolutely. There's the alienation, the loneliness.
It should be the unhappiest time in a boy's life.
That's why we try to make sure...
that Kevin doesn't miss out on any of those essential...
emotionally scarring experiences that he'd get at a regular school.
Fag!
Faggot!
You dropped your books, fuckface!
Jesus! Dad, what the fuck!
Whoa. You've got weird pubes.
Hey, guys! Come check out this kid's weird pubes!
Still, it must be an awful lot of work for you guys, though.
Oh, sure, there is. But we love it.
I think we've put together a pretty comprehensive plan...
that provides Kevin with every important adolescent experience.
You know, socializing with other kids...
Hey. Kevin, right?
Can I please come in?
Look, Debbie Clark's here,
the girl you asked out before. It's gonna be awkward.
Sorry. No. Sorry, sorry. No. Sorry. Okay, okay.
Mom. Mom, please no, wait. Mom, just... If IÉ
Extracurricular activities.
What do you do?
I suck.
What do you suck?
- Dicks. - Louder!
- I suck dicks! I suck dicks! - Like you mean it!
I suck dicks, I suck dicks, I suck 'em all the time!
If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be?
My superpower would be sucking dicks!
Dude. You have so much poop on you right now.
And of course the first kiss...
that should be the most awkward moment in any boy's life.
Emily and Kara said we should go all the way.
What do you think?
Um, do you have protection?
So, dude.
Don't tell Jeff or any of those guys, but...
I just wanted to say that...
if I did like guys...
you'd totally be the kind of guy that I'd like.
This is weird.
I didn't mean any of that.
Just talking, you know?
Wow.
I don't think I'll ever forget the first time Kevin told us that...
he wished he'd never been born.
- He was only twelve. - Precocious kid.
You know, studies show that the average child...
doesn't express that kind of self-loathing till they're fifteen.
I bet.
Here he comes.
Hey, honey. Meet the neighbors.
Kevin, this is Sean and Clare. They moved into the house three doors down.
Oh, the Yeagers' old place. Great.
Yeah, I'm, um, I'm-I'm Kevin.
Uh, pleased to meet you. Welcome to the neighborhood.
- Nice to meet you, too. - Thank you. That's so polite. That's...
I'm heading out. A bunch of us are gonna meet up at The Green.
Ooh, The Green.
And, uh, yes, I finished my homework.
Oh, and Jen and I are gonna catch a movie afterwards,
so I won't be home until late.
Oh, that's fine. Just make sure you say hello from us.
Jen, my mom says hi.
Hello, Jen.
Hello, Mrs. Miller. I'm the pretty girl.
She is.
- You guys have fun tonight. - All right.
Nice meeting you!
So. Who wants cake?
Creepy. Let's move on.
Keep searching, dude.
Hi.
- There. - Oh, wow.
Now it's a picnic.
Would you care for a chocolate-covered strawberry?
Oh my gosh, sweetie. Talk about romantic.
This is perfect!
Julie, we've been together for over a year...
Sixteen months and two weeks.
And in that time, I've come to realize that you mean everything to me.
Oh, Doug. You, too.
And there's something I want to ask you.
There's something I'd like to ask you.
Okay, uh, you go first.
- No, you go first. - No, you first.
No, you first.
How about we say it at the same time?
Okay.
- One, two... - One, two.
Will you poop on me?
- What? - Will you poop on me?
What? What are you...
Wait, what did- what did you say?
I... I trust you. I feel like you're my soul mate.
I want to give you this gift. I want you to be my first.
To poop...
On me. What?
You don't want to?
No, I-I mean...
Are you not attracted to me anymore?
Of course I'm attracted to you, honey.
So will you? Poop on me?
Ah, man. You just hit the fucking lottery, man.
You don't think it's a little weird for wanting him to shit on her?
Slow down, man. Have some respect for this guy, okay?
She did not ask him to shit on her.
Shitting is something you do on a whore.
- Right. - Right?
Pooping is a gift you give to your soul mate.
- 'Course. - I never looked at it like that.
So tell me, man, what's on the menu? Before you do the big deed.
I don't... I don't know. Does it fucking matter?
- Is she a vegetarian? - No.
Boom! Big beef burrito, with extra beans on that bad boy.
Put some salsa, some guacamole for color.
When it come out of you, it's a festival. You know what I'm saying?
You went the extra yard for your lady. You hear me?
No, I'm doing something classy, okay?
I'm doing seared ahi tuna steaks, a salad, and red wine.
- No. No, no, no! Fuckin' no! - Nice.
It's not about how fancy it goes in. It's about how fancy it comes out.
Well... And believe me, Mexican food makes a fuckin' mess.
And don't mess with fuckin' salads.
You know what salad does? It locks down your bowels.
You don't want your bowels all locked down, do you? No.
Drinks are cool. Have a few fuckin' drinks.
- Makes you last longer. - Last longer?
You don't want to be Mr. Two Squeeze, Thank-You Please, right?
- You really don't want to be that. - Billy, goddamn, Billy.
Why don't you go over there while grown people are talking over here.
Go over there and play with your GI Joes or some shit, man.
Yeah, I'll go over there.
Lookit. Take my advice on this one.
You go out tonight and you shit on a few skanks. Okay?
Get it all out your system.
Fuckin' tomorrow, you are a one-poop man.
Understand?
What the fuck is this?
Viagra, brother. Poop Viagra. Yeah.
- Just carry that on you? - Yeah, I carry that shit around on me.
- At barbecues? - You goddamn right.
I got a meat problem.
All your fuckin' meat, I gotta clean that shit out.
- Okay, yeah. - Okay? Fine, then.
- I'm ready, sweetie. - Oh, fuck.
One second.
I love her. Hey, I love her.
- Oh, oh! You look nice. - Thank you.
Okay. Let's go...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Honey. What are you doing?
What am I doing? I'm... You know what I'm doing.
I'm trying to, you know.
Not yet, tiger. I wanna savor this.
Oh, okay. Well, I kinda-I kinda got to, uh...
No, no, no, no. Come here. Come here and kiss me,
and then you can give me your special present.
- Tell me how much you love me. - Oh, I love you so much.
- How much? - I love you so much I'd kill a man.
Can we do this, please?
- I bought this special lavender lotion. - Okay.
- Why don't you get my neck ready. - You want it on your neck?
Why? Does that not work for you?
It's fine, it's fine. Here we go.
That's nice.
Okay, okay. There we go. Let's get it and...
- No. No. Not yet. - What?
- No. Come here. - What?
- You're so excited. - I know. I can't stand it.
Gosh. Remember the day that we met?
Yes.
Did you ever think that someday you'd be able to...
- you know? - Honestly, no. No, I didn't.
Do you remember what I was wearing that day?
Baby, what was I wearing?
- Do you remember what I was wearing? - A yellow sun dress!
Come on! Roll over and let me shit on you, please!
Excuse me?
I'm sorry. Poop on you. I meant poop on you.
Honey, I would never shit on you.
I would never shit on you. Honey?
Come here. I love you! Fuck!
Oh, I can't.
Julie! Come back!
Oh, baby, please! I love you! I want you to marry you!
Oh, my God! Doug, no!
Oh, jeez!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Doug! Doug! Call a fucking ambulance! - I'm on it!
Hold on. Hold on, baby, okay? Hold on. You're gonna make it.
Oh, Julie, I love you.
I love you.
All of this was for me?
Yeah, I guess so.
Oh, yeah? It's so beautiful. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Yes... I will marry you.
I will marry you, Doug.
CougarCrate, where the web's hottest cougars hang out.
CougarCrate. Perfect.
Prepare yourselves, because the cougars are on the prowl.
Look at you. You are nice. I like that peace sign.
Just warmin' up... What?
- Calvin? - Wh-What's going on?
He's gone all Beautiful Mind on us.
He's off the fuckin' grid.
- Come on, Baxter. Think! - Dude,
he's taken this shit to a whole new level.
Everything... divided by nine...
Calvin, great. J.J. And I were trying to delineate our search protocols.
Can you tell me anything more about this video? Where'd you hear about it?
St-Stevie Schraeder.
Stevie Schraeder. Stevie.
Got it! It's time to bring out the big guns.
"Falcontron"? What's this?
It's the most elite search engine on the Internet.
Only fifty humans have access. Twelve are heads of state.
So how do you have access to it?
I hacked into the mainframe of the Bundesnachrichtendienst.
Stop making up words, Baxter. Seriously.
He does that all the time. He just makes up...
It's the German intelligence bureau.
"Bureau"? It's not a word.
Attention P-Town shoppers:
Be sure to check out our insert in Sassy Lass magazine...
for killer deals on the Dr. Cole family of products.
We're now offering a buy one get one "Senior Prom" special...
on lambskin condoms and boxed wine.
And don't forget our "Deadbeat Dad" discount...
on all disposable cameras and whiffle ball bats.
Got a dry, itchy vag?
Today, we are offering a two-for-one deal on Beave Lotion.
That's lotion for your beave by Moisture Maid, ladies...
now on sale on aisle four. Be sure to check out...
Neil.
Veronica.
Neil.
You look pale.
You look pregnant.
You look like you slept in a soup kitchen urinal.
You look like you bathed in a Dumpster behind the abortion clinic.
You look like the kid who got cancer for Christmas.
You look like the slutty one on The Golden Girls.
- Dorothy? - Blanche.
You take that back! You son of a bitch!
You take it back! Take that back!
I want to taste you.
I want to lick you till you weep.
- How's your acid reflux? - How's your HPV?
It's your HPV, Veronica. I'm just carrying it.
Let's not have another "chicken or the egg" debate, Neil.
No. Let's.
- Chicken. - Egg.
Your flesh...
slick with cocoa butter...
It haunts me.
- How's Veronica? - Veronica's fine, Veronica.
I can't believe you named your dog Veronica.
Can't believe you sucked off that hobo from Magic Bean.
He was a wizard, Neil.
Shh. I wanna be on you.
In you.
I wanna be...
all...
over your chin.
Do you still like crme bržlŽe
Do you still like fingers in your butthole?
You know the answer is yes.
Oh, Neil.
Veronica.
- Neil. - Veronica.
I wanna get over you.
I wanna give you a hickey on your vagina.
You already have, Neil.
You already have.
I'll see you in church.
Not if I see you f...
May I?
I'm no Romeo, folks, but I know what love is.
It's an over-the-chinos rub and tug during your first AA meeting.
Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
And if I was in your shoes,
I would climb Dick Mountain mouth first just to get her back!
Yes, sir!
Are we gonna let that foxy little thing...
run willy-nilly out of this boy's life?
No! No!
Are we gonna help this youngster...
take that sweet ass to pound town?
- When's your shift up? - Five a.m.
- I'll take it till three. - I got three to five!
Thank you.
Don't be a bitch about it.
Go get her, son!
What's that?
It's not as exciting as you might think. It's-It'sÉ
For me, I like to say it's more about, just like, helping people, you know.
- It's not about punishing criminals... - Right, yeah, I totally understand.
- It's just, it makes you feel good... - Robin!
- Oh, no. - Robin!
Hey, Robin. Where ya been? Hi, how ya doing.
You missed your meeting with your parole officer.
- What? Parole officer? - No. He's kidding.
Yeah, yeah, this guy got in some trouble a while back for...
whipping out his little Dick Grayson on a playground.
No, I didn't.
But, it's all good. I mean, your wife forgave you, right?
- What? - You're married?
- Married pervert. Yeah. - No, I'm not!
Stacey, I'm-I'm not married! He's kidding!
Oh, man. Dodged that bullet.
The hell are you doing here, Batman! You're gonna ruin this!
Calm down! Hey, look, I read on Twitter...
that a super-villain's gonna bomb this loser meet and greet.
So I'm here to save the day, like I do, all the time.
I mean, you know, it's my thing.
- I'm the Batman! - Yeah, baloney!
You're here to ruin my chances with women like you do all the time.
No way, brother! No way! No, I'm-I'm in support of this.
Get one more speed date, okay, then we gotta find that bomb.
Ah, this sucks.
Uh, little tip. Uh, less boy, more wonder, right?
Ah, that's very clever.
- Dazzle them! - Yeah, okay. Thanks.
Hi.
- Oh, hi. - Lois. Lois Lane.
No, IÉ I know. I've-I've...
It's... It's me, Robin. We-We've met several times.
- Robin what? - Ro-Robin. That's it.
I helped save you from Lex Luthor.
Sorry.
You were like, "I'll never forget this as long as I live."
Sorry again.
- I thought you were dating Superman. - No, no.
- We broke up about six months ago. - I didn't-I didn't know that.
- He's been stalking me ever since. - Really?
Last night, I look out my bedroom window,
and there he is just floating there,
just stroking that nasty little curl, and masturbating!
Blew his wad all over my window!
- He broke the window! - The, the... From the...
Uh, his jizz is like a shotgun blast!
You know that shiny stuff in his hair? It's not hair gel.
- Lois! Oh, my God! - Oh, no!
- Nice to see you! - Nice to be seen! Oh, my goodness!
No, no, no. Yeah, we're in the...
- Do you know each other? - Yeah, we work together.
- You do? - Hey, how's Superman?
I'm gonna give him a call right now, actually. I need...
- No, no! Don't do that! - Oh, no, I'm gonna do it.
- Batman, don't. Please. Please. - It's already ringing.
Hey, Soups! What's up, brother! It's the Dark Knight.
Hey, man, I was just thinking about you here...
'cause I'm sitting with Lois...
and she's on a date with my boy, Robin.
- No! - Oh, he hung up. I lost him.
Stay away from Lois or I'll use my heat vision...
to fuse your balls into one big ridiculous uniball.
Superman, you don't understand.
I'm not here to hit on your girlfriend. That's crazy!
Batman and I are undercover and we're looking for a bomb.
Bomb? I don't give two super-shits about a bomb.
As long as I'm balls-deep in Lois, I'm solid gold.
Stay away from Lois, bitch!
Goddammit! That's his thing!
No, so I told him, you know,
"I mean, we're gonna be fighting crime, buddy, so..."
Oh, there he is.
"Uh, you know, you should put on some pants."
But he liked the costume the way it is, so,
you know, what are you gonna do. Kids.
- Well... Thursday? - Thursday it is!
- See ya then. - All right, now.
And, nice legs.
You make me wear this. He makes me wear this outfit!
So unfair! I hate it!
She's a hoot! All right, that was your date. Let's go.
- Bullcrap! That doesn't count! - What do you mean that doesn't count?
That was a girl, this was a date.
Now, let's boogie. We gotta go find that bomb.
Please, just let me do one more. That doesn't count. Please.
Oh, my God, you're such a baby. Go! Sit down. Fine.
- Yes! - Fine. Go ahead.
Have fun. But you're not gonna do it on your own.
- Pop that in your ear. - What's that?
What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna get underneath the table,
hide down there and feed you lines to help bag this next gal.
Oh, right, like Cyrano de Bergerac.
I don't know what that is. It's more like Roxanne.
Okay, but look, I-I'd really rather do this on my own.
Okay, and I hear you, and I appreciate what you're saying,
- but I, you know, I'm gonna do it. - Please don't.
- I'm gonna do it. - Batman, don't. Please, please, don't...
Hi. Sorry, sorry I'm late. There's a line in the bathroom.
Hi. I'm Supergirl.
- My name... - I'm Robin.
Hi, I'm Robin.
Um, so where you from?
- So, where you from? - I... Um, Krypton.
Krypton, eh. Where... That's, that's, uh...
- Oh, shit. - Oh, shit!
- Dude, I can see her snatch. - Dude, I can sn...
Oh, my God! I can't believe the size of this thing.
It's like a giant fucking cornfield. It's enormous down here.
It's crazy. Look at that. I-I-I feel like at any moment,
Shoeless Joe Jackson could walk out of it and I could play catch with him.
Krypton. I-I hear it's really nice. I-I have never been...
You didn't hear that the Sun supernova and destroyed our entire race?
I wanna wash dishes with it.
Did it? I did not...
It's a huge, bushy catastrophe down here.
Feel like Sean Penn should do a benefit for this thing. It's...
What? Oh, no. You can hear him, can't you?
Yeah, I can hear him.
I can also see Batman underneath the table.
Cause of the x-ray vision. Of course.
No, I can just see him. It's a cafe table. I mean, it's really obvious.
- Hi. - Hi.
Ah, dude. I'm so sorry about your family dying and...
Oh, man! That took me back to the seventies, huh?
Hold on. There's our culprit. It's the Penguin.
Excuse me. I'm gonna go do some Batman-ing.
Do you need any... Can I help?
Oh, it's hard to pick up with gloves. There ya go.
Excuse me, sweetie. How ya doing. You mind fucking off for a little bit?
Thank you. I appreciate it. Thanks.
- See you later, citizen. - How dare you!
You son of a bitch! Where's the bomb, you fat fucker?
- Hey! Asshole! - Oh, shit.
What do you think you are? Some big man?
Picking on a little fat guy?
Take it easy! That's the Penguin. That's what I do.
Why didn't you call me?
IÉ No... I...
You said that you were gonna call me.
Wait a minute. Did I not? I know I dialed a number... Did I not hit "send"?
You said that you were gonna stick by me no matter what happened.
And then your little Bat-condom breaks, and then you just disappear!
Do you know what it's like going to Planned Parenthood by yourself,
when you're Wonder Woman?
Okay. Not very romantic talk.
Roe v. Wade here at a speed dating situation.
Uh, look, I was fighting crime! Ask Robin. Robin, vouch for me.
- He cries after sex. Do you know that? - Why would I know that?
Like a baby. After sex, what do you say?
"Oh, my soul's so dark." Because you saw some bats...
when you were little? You pussy!
Attention, Gotham City speed daters:
How the fuck did he get over there?
It was all a clever ruse. I'm not speed dating.
Some of you should remember I'm happily married.
- That's right! - You were all there at the wedding.
- Okay, bomb strapped to my chest. - Oh, yes. In any case,
you all have to give me some unimaginable sum of money...
or else I'm going to blow up Supergirl with this bomb.
Dat dat dat dat! The detonator is in this umbrella.
- Cool it. - No, you cool it.
My non-monocled eye! Where are you?
Disarm!
Yes!
- Are you okay? - I think so.
You saved my life!
Just-Just doing my job.
Kiss. Kiss her.
Open her mouth and touch tongues.
Put your tongue inside her mouth...
and that'll coax her tongue to go into your mouth!
Yeah! You, uh, squeeze her boobies.
Yeah, and touch her butt.
- Doesn't that look nice? - It looks so nice.
Oh, yeah. Hold on! Not so fast!
Oh, God!
- Riddler! - Riddler!
That is right! The Riddler!
In a diabolical scheme to get Robin and me to this speed date to stop a bomb,
only to lure Robin away to some seedy warehouse...
where you're gonna hang him above a vat filled with thumbtacks...
or lizards or some fucking bullshit!
Well it didn't work, muchacho!
That was amazing. How did you do that?
I mean, how'd you know that she was a fake?
Bush that size is only good for one thing,
and that one thang is hidin' the wang! You know what I'm saying?
Wait. Let me get this straight. So you knew all the way back then?
- You knew that she was a dude? - Whole time.
Wh-Why'd you make me kiss her?
Him. This.
I don't know.
I guess I woke up this morning with a little case of the fuck-arounds.
You know I'm just having fun. My buddy! Woo!
Remember this?
Ugly isn't it?
But think how they feel.
Working without thanks to make your life better.
Lonely, unloved, hurt.
Physical, verbal, emotional abuse...
to get what we want done.
Can't you see they're doing their best?
They're not trying to take over your world.
They're just trying to find a little place in your hearts.
Remember, machines, they're full of kids.
Dude, click the button.
Do not click the button.
- Who the fuck are you? - I am the Minotaur.
You are in my maze.
Do you know where we can find Movie 43?
Movie 43? Movie 43?
Are you prepared to have your brains butchered into tiny pieces?
Are you prepared to have a starving rat nibble out your eyeballs,
and then have the holes fucked by angry, thick-dicked wolves?
Dude, calm down. I think you're- I think you're just confused.
We're-we're talking about Movie 43. You've never heard of that.
Oh, yeah. She's here.
I think we have a connection.
It is the one movie that can bring down society as we know it.
No, dude. That's something different. I guarantee it.
I have taken a vow to keep anybody from viewing this film.
Dude, dude.
This guy's for real. He's protected by firewalls I've never even seen.
We gotta click this button.
Do not click the button.
Do not click the...
Suck it!
Tyler De Soto. Fifteen. Port St. Lucie, Florida.
He only lost a finger.
It's horrific.
I'm still not seeing what the problem is, though.
Brian?
The iBabe has an advanced 3.2 gigahertz processor.
We left an opening for a vent and then we placed a highly-efficient,
super powerful micro-fan in the opening.
- And? - The vent is in her,
Lower quadrant.
Vagi-port.
- Vagina. - Vagi-port.
The vent is in the vagina.
A certain percentage of our younger demographic...
are sticking their you-know-what in the vent.
No, I don't know what.
Kids are sticking their penises in the vent.
The fan then mangles their penises.
Disgusting!
Sir, the iBabe is a...
High fidelity music player.
Yes, it also looks and feels exactly like a naked woman.
Teenage boys are physically attracted to naked women.
Our research doesn't support that, sir.
Look, at the very least, we need to put a warning sticker on the box.
Other MP3 players don't have a warning not to have sex with it. Right?
A bag of potato chips doesn't have a warning,
"Please don't fuck these potato chips."
Am I crazy here?
None of us could have seen this one coming.
I did.
Take it easy, Erin Brockovich.
R and D team. You did extensive testing here.
Did you anticipate anybody breaching the cooling system? Any red flags?
Dave?
Also, we've broken down our problem into three steps.
Step 1: Kid buys iBabe.
Step 2: Kid fucks iBabe.
Step 3: Kid mangles dick and sues iBabe.
Our goal is to eliminate step two and step three.
Now I know what the problem is.
Why don't we just move the fan? Why don't we just put it in her ear?
No. No, no, no, no, no, sir.
Uh, my team spent two years doing the impossible,
and you're pretty much just telling us to go back and start from scratch.
You know, to go fuck ourselves!
Okay, look. The iBabe weighs over a hundred pounds, okay?
It's basically illegal to take it out in public.
Women's organizations are calling for the boycott of our entire company.
Our stock is plummeting and kids' dicks are getting horribly mangled!
Uh, come in, come in, come in.
Sir, may I introduce you to the iBabe Special Edition.
Oh, my God.
Faster processing, double storage capacity,
and how about that elegant finish.
Just gorgeous. Gorgeous, gorgeous!
- Congratulations! - Thank you.
Finally we can give our customers a choice of color.
Oh, my God. Just when I thought it couldn't get more offensive.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Yeah. Now I understand.
Enough! Enough!
What do you want? Money? Women?
Just stop looking for Movie 43.
Hey! Who are you?
Movie 43. Where is Movie 43?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Where is Movie 43? Don't lie!
Get away from me! Get off me! No!
The fuck, man!
So you know where Movie 43 is.
No!
The movie that allows you to see into the future.
No! It will destroy society!
He will unleash the dead up in protocol!
Did Stevie Schraeder tell you any of this?
Who is this Stevie Schraeder?
Who is Stevie Schraeder?
- Who is this Stevie Schraeder? - I don't know Stevie Schraeder!
- You lie! - What the fuck?
Fuck you!
Who is Stevie Schraeder? You tell me where Stevie Schraeder is!
Who is this motherfucker?
He's a kid in my fucking Driver's Ed class!
You will find us Movie 43, J.J. And Baxter.
What the fuck, man!
Keep looking!
- I'm looking! - Don't look!
I'm, uh, RSVP-ing to Sammy's Bar Mitzvah.
Yeah, me too.
The party, not the service.
My mom always makes me go to both. Sucks.
Yeah.
Yeah!
Nathan on a date for once!
Jesus, Mikey, shut up!
What? Mom told me to watch you guys. I'm just doing my job.
I mean it, Mikey. Leave!
I'm watching you.
Sorry, my brother's an idiot.
Whatever.
- You have a bathroom? - Totally. It's right back there.
- Yuck! - Nathan?
Nathan, l...
My brother spilled fruit punch on the couch. There's a big red stain.
I, I, um... I need to go.
But you're not getting picked up for another half hour.
Wanna sit and watch some more TV?
Yeah. I'll-I'll just... I'll just watch it from back here.
That's cool. I like standing.
Whoa! Mikey spilled fruit punch on the wall, too!
- My mom is gonna be so pissed! - Nathan, I really need to go!
Hey, lovebirds, I hope I'm not...
Holy shit, you are covered in blood! Oh, my God!
- What? - Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! You must've s-sat on a nail or something!
- You idiot! She's having her period! - Oh, my God!
What do I do?
You don't know what to do? You've never had your period before?
- No, I haven't. - Oh, my God,
Mikey, she's already lost a lot of blood!
Okay. Um, you know what?
Mom's gotta have some tampons around here somewhere, right?
Oh, my God! This is not happening!
Fuck! You are way skinnier than Mom!
There-There's no way they're gonna fit you!
Look, I'm just gonna walk home!
No, no, no, no! You can't walk home in your condition, silly!
Mikey, hurry!
There's just plastic bags! I don't know what the fuck you want me to do!
- What? - Wipe yourself!
Hey, hey, hey! Guys, I'm home early.
Dad, help us!
Pardon me, I'm Nathan's father, Steve.
Oh, we're just gonna have to plug it up. I found this and this.
All right, what's going on here?
Nathan's date is on her period for the first time,
and she's bleeding everywhere!
- Oh, disgusting. - What?
I mean, congratulations, young lady.
"Congratulations"? She's bleeding to death!
Oh, my God! My stomach hurts!
She's having contractions!
No! Oh, no!
All right.
N-Nine-one-one? Yeah, my friend is bleeding out of her vagina!
Nathan, Nathan, listen!
Why are you laughing at me?
It's just... It'sÉ The-The lining of Amanda's...
internal organs just spilling out of her.
Oh, my God!
Look, I'm not dying!
I got frozen peas and a sponge!
If you wanna keep the lining intact,
the man has to insert his erect phallus into her vagina.
- A what? - You know what? I got a perfect thing.
Maxi pad on a stick.
Oh, my God! I wanna kill myself!
Hello! Hey, baby, you ready?
- What the hell's going on here? - Dad!
Oh, my God! Honey!
What the hell kind of sick family squashes a large tomato...
on my daughter's pants?
Whoa. Watch what you're implying about my family.
Oh, I don't gotta watch anything, Jack!
- Yeah? - Yeah!
- You touching me? - Yeah, yeah, bitch, yeah!
- You touching me? - You're not to touch me!
- Let's go, bitch! - Let's go!
Sucker punch him! Sucker punch him in the throat!
Everybody shut up!
Look, I'm just a regular seventh-grade girl getting my period,
and it really sucks that it had to be in front of all you idiots.
Dad, call Mom and tell her to meet us at home.
She's got her period?
So disgusting.
You don't have a camping tarp I could borrow, do you?
Sorry about all that.
Hey, honey, don't sit in the car!
Vagina is way too complicated!
Yeah, no shit.
Really?
Dad, that was epic!
I've been trying to push that puppy out since this morning's conference call.
Woo! I gotta take a massive dump, and then we're watching the game.
- Yeah. - Yes!
Oh, nice!
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Look who we found.
J. J?
- Stevie Schraeder? - I freaking told you.
Wh... What the fuck! How'd he get there?
Stevie, tell them about Movie 43!
What's Movie 43? They keep asking me that.
- Cut off Stevie Schraeder's finger - What!
No, don't cut off Stevie Schraeder's finger!
Don't cut off Stevie Schraeder's finger! Please!
Movie 43 isn't real.
It's just something Calvin and I made up to prank you!
Well, apparently it is real,
and we need to find it or else your stupid friend dies!
- Unless... - Unless what? Unless what?
I can fashion a ninety-one-F-Theta Box.
No. Not the Theta Box. Please! Do not do that!
Go! Make a Theta Box, dude. Whatever that is.
Okay. Don't wait for me.
Movie 43. Wh-Where is it? Where is it?
Go fuck yourself, asshole!
Don't do this.
Brian, we're best friends, man. You can't move out.
You fucked my girlfriend, dude.
One time.
For a week.
- What? - But I want to make it up to you.
Can I fuck your girlfriend?
Yes, but she broke up with me...
when she found out I slept with your girlfriend...
so I can't arrange it.
But Brian, I got you something.
Best birthday present ever. You are going to love this.
- Is this really necessary? - Trust me.
It's better if it's a...
One, two, three, surprise!
I know, right, buddy? Happy birthday.
You kidnapped an Irish midget.
No, I caught you a leprechaun.
Moron. There's no such thing as leprechauns.
Dude, watch this.
Hey, little buddy.
Tell my friend you're going to give us a big pot of gold.
I'm going to cut off your balls and feed them to you!
Good Lord.
He's just joking. He's got to give us the gold. That's the rules. Right?
The last thing you'll ever see is my cock, skull-fucking you!
Let me ask him again.
Give us the fucking gold!
Do you want the lights on or off...
when I fuck you with a pair of rusty scissors?
Stop, stop! Chill! Chill!
What are you doing? You're going to kill him!
Watch out! Relax! I'll handle this, okay? I'll handle this.
Hey, Mr. Leprechaun.
I am super sorry about this.
It's just a misunderstanding,
so what I'm going to do... is untie you and let you go.
How does that sound?
Okay... but first...
Lick my crusty Irish taint, ya yeast-breeding cunt hole!
Die! Die, you little magical fuck!
Whoa, stop! Stop! Think!
If he's dead, he can't tell us where the gold is!
Fucking giants. Motherfucking full-growns!
When all this is over, I'm going to crawl up your mother's cunt...
and start a fucking campfire!
Hey! No! Shut up! You can't do anything...
because you're tiny and tied to a chair, and nobody knows where you are.
No one!
I wouldn't bet on that.
Who's calling?
Hello?
So this is what a dead man sounds like.
- It's another leprechaun. - Fuck!
If that's my brother...
prepare to have your dickhole stretched over a fucking fire hydrant!
- What's wrong with your fucking mouth? - Gag him.
Your balls...
Listen, Cookie O'Puss...
I got a leprechaun and I want some gold or we're going to kill him.
How do you feel about having your balls cut off?
Jeez, they're so into balls.
I'm serious. You better make with the gold...
or your little green man will be pushing up four-leaf clovers!
That was so good. You sounded so tough.
Okay.
What did he say?
He said "Okay."
No way. How did he get here so fast?
Sweet!
- Gold coins! - Gold!
- Happy Birthday, dude! - Holy crap!
So, we get the gold and we keep this little fucker?
Did you hear that? Looks like your lucky charms just ran out.
Who's magically delicious now, bitch?
What? Did you say something?
I couldn't hear you over my giant pot of leprechaun gold!
Top o' the morning, ladies!
- He shot me in the eye! - He shot me in my nipples!
I'm half goddamn blind!
Taste Celtic steel!
That's right, brother! Fuck him up good!
This is what happens when you take a leprechaun's gold!
Stab him with your leprechaun knife! Cut off his balls!
Go leprechauns!
- Walk to the rainbow. - What?
- Cut off his balls! - Help! Pete! Help!
I'm going to mangle your balls!
Shoot him! Shoot the fucking leprechaun!
You moron! Not that leprechaun! This leprechaun!
Tell St. Patty you like it up the ass!
What now?
Not much to these guys.
Yeah. I thought they'd be bigger.
Hey, Pete, I just want to say thank you.
- Yeah, it is a lot of gold. - Nah, it's more than gold.
Catching that leprechaun must have been hard work.
Something that only a true friend would do for me.
Yeah, well, I should have never slept with your girlfriend.
Whatever. We can buy new girlfriends.
Dude, I totally forgot the second part of your gift!
Really?
- Who is she? - She's a fairy. Storybook fairy.
What the hell am I supposed to do with a fairy?
I suck cock for gold coins.
J.J., make some space!
- What can I do? - I need metal. Right now! Go!
Use your Tinker Toys.
- Trophies! Spoons! - Stop yelling at me! I'll do it!
- Right. - I'm go. Initiate sequence.
Is this going to work?
It better!
Here we go!
How do you do this?
We're getting close!
Yeah?
Yes, we're getting very close!
Uno marguerita, por favor?
You want salt?
S’, bueno.
- And for you? - Whynatte and rum, please.
Got it.
Do you mind me asking a question? It may seem personal.
I'm quite surprised that a lady with your face needs to resort to...
- Match dot com? - Right.
Truth is, I have completely exhausted all of my options.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, dear. That's a shame. And are you from the area?
No. Let's not do that, okay?
I've been on so many blind dates in the past year,
and they're all the same.
"Where are you from? What does your sister do?
What does your father..." Blah, blah, blah.
Do you really care if my father is a garbage man?
- Is your father a garbage man? - No, he's not! That's the point.
- Who cares? - Not important.
So let's not do that. Let's have this date be different.
- Let's talk about real things, okay? - Great.
- Real, straight conversations. - I'm all about that.
So what does your father do for a living?
Okay. Let's play a game.
- Okay. - Have you played Truth or Dare?
I haven't played it, but I'm aware of it.
Well, you start first. You ask me, "Truth or Dare."
- Truth or Dare? - Truth.
Is there any possibility in this noble cosmos...
or any alternative parallel cosmos where you might...
Is there any chance I'm your type?
Yeah. Yeah. You're tall.
- And that's good? - I like tall.
Okay, Truth or Dare?
Truth?
I knew you'd say that. I am going to push the limits just a little bit.
- Are you circumcised? - Am I circumcised?
That's personal.
Circumcision has never really taken off, to be honest, where I'm from.
It's not... it's not the vogue.
I tend to associate it with Jewish people...
and we don't have many Jewish people in Europe anymore...
because of the... trouble.
So, no, I'm not.
But if you would need me to get circumcised, I'm sure I could.
- Truth or Dare? - Truth.
When was the last time you kissed a man?
Twenty-six days ago in an alley behind a Pilates studio. Truth or Dare?
Dare. I'm going to go with a Dare.
Here we go. Now we're cooking. Okay.
I dare you to go over there.
See that man with the black jacket? The husky guy?
I dare you to go and pinch his ass.
- Do what now? - Just cup it.
Grab his cheeks and cup it.
- No. - Yeah.
You said Dare, not me. That's what Dare is.
- Have a look at him. He's quite... - I see him.
Go back there and cup his ass.
He's quite a stocky man.
- He might have a knife. - I don't even have to be here.
I can go home and watch Family Guy if you don't want to play.
I'll get the check. Excuse me!
- Can I have the check? - She doesn't need the check.
She's joking.
- Then go cup his ass. - Okay, I will.
I call him, and he never answers the phone. I'm sick of it.
- Go pay him a visit. - You call him.
I'm sick and tired of it. It's...
- What the fuck? - I did. Sorry.
You touching my fucking ass! What's the matter with you!
- What do you mean, you? Fuck you! - Sorry. Sorry.
- You touch the wrong ass, asshole! - It's all good.
- What's the matter with you? - Sorry. Apologies. Sorry.
That was great!
Truth or Dare? Truth or Dare?
Wait a minute. Can I enjoy the...
Truth or Dare? Come on.
Okay. Dare.
Right. You go and cup his ass.
No. You can't dare me to do the same thing I just dared you to do.
- Truth or Dare. - Come up with your own dare.
Be original.
See that blind kid over there? Blow out his candles before he can.
I can't do that! That's cruel!
It's Truth or Dare. That's the rule.
I could take off if you want. I could go home.
I'll probably get home in time to put Benny Hill DVDs on.
- You're doing that? - It's up to you.
I'll go over there and blow out the candles,
but you need to know something.
This is war.
I wish it was my birthday So I could party, too
Happy, happy birthday May all your dreams come true
Happy, happy birthday From all of us to you
Hey!
Excuse me. I got $200. Can you give me the whole thing?
I dare you to make guacamole with your right breast.
"...elucidate several most important, however...
intricate passages and scenes hereafter to be painted."
Chapter 64: Stubb's Supper.
"Stubb's whale had been killed some distance from the ship."
When the swelling goes down, you're going to look great, Emily.
Thanks, sweetie.
- That was fun, huh? - Yes. I had a really great time.
Yeah? Me, too.
- It was definitely interesting. - Yeah. We did a lot.
Yes. Yeah. We did. We did.
- We did it up. - Yes.
It was enchanting. You're really a...
very delightful woman.
- Well, thank you. - Yeah.
So... Yeah.
This is that slightly awkward moment.
Well...
No. I'm sorry.
You're sweet, really, and I really did have a good time...
but I'm just not that attracted to Asian men.
Psych! Get in here, Yao Ming!
We don't want these puppies to go to waste.
Dude...
We're getting closer!
- I need one more! - I'm freaking out, man!
Terrapin Protocol initiated.
I have failed.
You have found Movie 43.
- What the fuck did you do? - Movie 43.
I used to be great cameraman in Russia.
Dude, what's up with the power?
Mission accomplished.
- We don't have much time. - You little shit!
We found Movie 43, buddy.
Good. We found it.
The fuck? Dude, that's you!
My name is Baxter Cutler.
It has been 1 41 days since The Darkness.
J.J., Calvin and Baxter, this is Movie 43!
You see, when you idiots made me search for Movie 43...
we triggered the Terrapin Protocol, the top-secret Cold War initiative...
to control the mind of every American citizen.
So that in the event of a Soviet attack...
every man, woman and child would be converted into fighting machines.
Only there were no more Soviets to fight.
So everyone turned on each other and now the country is in ruins.
China? Gone! Russia? Gone!
Amsterdam? Still not a goddamn country! Gone!
That is why I'm sending this message back in time.
Baxter, listen to me. You need to hack into...
Boss, the perimeter's clear!
Son of a bitch, J. J! I'm trying to rewrite the fucking past!
Yeah? Some Infecteds were trying to rewrite your fucking existence!
Two got away.
One did not.
Oh, man, this is sick! Where am I?
Has the cripple been fed?
I'm sorry, Mommy! I'm sorry, Mom!
Why am I Rain Man?
Make Sitara feed him.
You fucking feed him! I need to be out slaughtering.
No! You carry my seed.
You must stay here where it's safe, where I can protect you.
- I'm sorry! - Come here, Mama.
- Sorry, Mommy. - Back to business.
Security breach! Security breach! Commence evasive maneuvers.
- Defensive maneuvers! - Dammit, they jumped the wire!
Vrankovich! On me, you dumb Ruskie!
Baxter! You can prevent this from happening!
Hack into the Department of Defense security mainframe...
using a Mark-7 Spartan from the Bundesnachrichtendienst...
- No way! - Oh, shit!
- That was awesome! - No way!
Dude! No way! I'm never making fun of you again. Period.
We were trying to prank you! You turned that around...
I swear it wasn't a prank!
Oh, my God. You're expecting me to believe...
that somehow in the next six months the whole world ends...
- and I'm a drooling cripple? - I didn't do it!
What are you?
What's with the lights? That was weird.
I'm going to the supermarket. Does anyone need anything?
No.
What is it?
No!
- I'm sorry, Mommy! I'm sorry! - What are you sorry about?
- What's happening? - Shit!
God!
I can fix this! Mark-7 Spartan!
That computer's fried. Go get my laptop out of my room!
All right, I got it! I got it. Don't worry.
- Don't let him pull his own dick off. - Why would he pull his own dick off?
I fucking got it! I got it!
Why is my computer so slow?
Why is there porn on my computer?
April Fools.
Oh, shit!
I can't believe it!
In 1959, Kenny Jackson coached the Ellison High Journeymen...
to become the first Negro high school team...
ever to compete for a state title.
Theirs was victory's glory.
Come on, y'all. Why y'all still sitting here? The game's all about to start.
Coach, we scared.
There's 10,000 white people out there that think that we ain't good enough.
You know what? Maybe we ain't.
All of y'all feel like that?
Four hundred years in this country...
the black man has been spit on, kicked...
drug through the mud.
But I've got two things I can tell you.
Number one, win or lose...
I am so proud of y'all.
Number two...
You're going to win.
It's just that plain and fucking simple.
You're going to win!
But them white boys from Hickory Tech...
- What game are we playing? - Basketball, Coach.
What color is their skin?
- White. - Exactly!
They're white, you're black.
This is basketball...
Am I speaking fucking Chinese?
Come on, people. You guys are 25 and 0.
Yeah, Coach, but that was against all-black teams.
That's the point! Y'all are going to kill those Caucasians!
But, Coach, look at their fundamentals.
The fundamentals! It doesn't matter!
It's all the same when you're some cement-foot troglodyte white boy...
getting dunked on with a big pair of black fucking nuts...
hanging on your forehead!
Speaking of nuts... Lucious.
Come on up here, Lucious.
Tell them. How long is your dick?
I don't know, Coach. Like a foot.
Foot and a half.
Foot and a ha...
Foot and a half?
Their arm ain't even that long!
All right, let's kick some butt. You scared?
Well, well, well.
You Negroes going to play basketball, or what?
Yeah, you Negroes. What's the matter?
Did you realize you didn't belong in a white man's game, you Negroes?
That's right. This isn't a game for Negroes.
It's a game for good, honest white people, not for Negroes.
You understand, Negroes?
- White Knights! - White Knights!
Man, Coach, they looked tough.
"They looked tough"? I'm so scared!
You know what they might do?
One of them might dribble with his left hand...
all the way down the lane and then go up for a left-handed layup...
and you know what's going to happen then?
Your black ass is going to swat that shit...
jump over his cracker ass, and dunk in his goddamn face!
How many fucking times do I have to tell you?
You're black, they're white, this ain't hockey!
Guys, I think what Coach is trying to say is that the key word is "teamwork."
No, the key word is "you're black, they're white"!
So, Coach, what you're saying is, if we just walk with the Lord...
The Lord? Nigger, the Lord done did his part already!
He made you black. He made them white.
He gave you a foot-and-a-half dick! Dribble with that motherfucker!
As long as y'all are out there on the floor...
you're going to score more points than them.
That's just how basketball works!
Cut that goddamn slow clap shit out!
Tries my motherfucking patience!
Go out there and win!
- Let's go! - Come on!
It was a glorious game.
But late in the fourth quarter...
when Lucious Williams dribbled the entire length of the court...
with his foot-and-a-half penis...
the referees had no choice but to call a technical foul...
sending young Bobby Lee Mayflower to the line...
for the most dramatic moment of the contest.
Hey, guys. Hello.
Who is that woman you are with?
That's my mother.
I want your mother.
- Baxter, turn that shit off, man. - Okay.
I'm going to go to the bathroom, all right?
I can't fucking do it.
- I don't know, but I been told - I don't know, but I been told
Gym class gives you great big balls
Gym class gives you...
Out here shooting the shit.
Some guys shoot the shit, and some people get shot with shit. Right?
- Am I right? - I don't know what he's talking about.
You know what the fuck I'm talking about.
I want to be on you.
In you.
- Sorry. Fuck. - Not a problem.
No.
No, I can just see him underneath the table.
And he's had his fingers in my pussy for the last five minutes.
It's monstrous. It looks like she's sitting on Art Garfunkel's shoulders.
No one leaves this room till we figure this out.
Mangled dicks. Mangled...
Dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks...
- Mangled dicks. - Mangled dicks. Mangled...
- Dicks. - Dicks.
I got frozen peas and a sponge.
No, Mikey, there's steel wool on one side.
Shit, you're right.
Okay, Amanda, you're going to want to keep the yellow side up.
Otherwise, there's going to be lots more blood.
I suck cock for gold coins.
So do I.
So what you're saying is, if we go out there and give 1 10 percent...
A hundred and ten percent! Fifty percent! Three percent!
I think what Coach is trying to say is that the key word here is "teamwork."
Lucious, will you whip out your dick and smack this motherfucker with it?
- What? - I love you even more.
- Oh, Anson. - I do.
- Me, too. - You do?
He's America's favorite cat... Beezel
I'm embarrassed to even say this, but...
What?
Amy, ever since you moved in here, l...
- What? - I love you even more.
- Oh, Anson. - I do.
- Me, too. - You do?
Beezel! How are you?
How is my handsome little boy?
Hey, Anson, do you ever feel like your relationship with Beezel...
is a little strange?
Amy!
Please don't tell me you're one of those girls...
that gets jealous of a guy's pet!
Even if that pet is thuper thilly!
No, no. I just don't think he likes me very much.
Come on, Amy. He loves you!
- Really? - Yeah.
There we go.
Now, where were we?
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Get off of me!
- What happened? - Beezel...
pissed all over me!
Oh, no, he just sprayed you.
It's something male cats do sometimes. It means he likes you.
- He likes me? - Yeah.
Or it could mean that he's sick. Buddy, are you sick?
Anson, he did this on purpose!
- I caught him masturbating. - He was probably just cleaning himself.
It was to pictures of you in a swimsuit!
Cats can't even process images in that way.
But he is not a normal cat.
Of course he is.
He just put a fucking thermometer in his mouth!
He thinks it's a toy.
Oh, Beezel.
Anson. I love you.
I do, but as long as that little fucker is around...
I cannot be with you.
No, Amy, Amy. Look.
If it'll make you happy, I'll find another home for Beezel.
He's just a cat.
But you...
you're the woman that I love.
- You'd get rid of him? - I will.
- I love you. - I love you.
No, I love you.
Beezel, where are you, boy?
Come out, come out, you little rat-fucker.
Beezel!
Shit, I told my mother we'd have him there in an hour.
She was nice enough to take him off our hands.
- Do you mind checking outside for him? - Absolutely.
I'm going to go upstairs.
Beezel?
That's it, you son of a bitch!
Cock-sucking...
motherfucking...
Garfield reject piece of shit!
Die, you...
dick-loving devil cat!
What?
Don't look.
Mommy, she's beating that cat...
to death!
He tried to kill me.
No, you don't understand.
You don't understand.
Please.
Get her!