[PIANO PLAYING "AS TIME GOES BY"]
[ORCHESTRA JOINS IN, MUSIC SWELLS]
[SONG CONCLUDES WITH A FLOURISH]
* I'VE BEEN CHEATED *
* BEEN MISTREATED *
* WHEN WILL I BE LOVED? *
* I'VE BEEN PUT DOWN *
* I'VE BEEN PUSHED 'ROUND *
* WHEN WILL I BE LOVED? *
* WHEN I FIND A NEW MAN *
* THAT I WANT FOR MINE *
* HE ALWAYS BREAKS *
* MY HEART IN TWO... *
THE BEST PLACE TO MEET A GUY IS AT THE SUPERMARKET.
YOU DON'T NEED TO WASTE A LOT OF TIME THERE, EITHER.
YOU SEE A GUY HOLDING A LIST, YOU KNOW HE'S MARRIED.
HE'S IN THE FROZEN FOOD SECTION CARRYING A SMALL BASKET,
HE'S SINGLE.
I LIKE TO HANG OUT BY FRUITS AND VEGETABLES.
THERE'S A BETTER CHANCE OF GETTING A GUY WHO'S HEALTHY.
PROBABLY THE BEST PLACE IS HOME DEPOT,
OR ANY HARDWARE STORE.
YOU JUST WALK UP TO THE CUTEST GUY
AND SAY, "OH, DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN GET NAILED?
[LAUGHS] "I MEAN, NAILS?
UH, PARDON ME, I'VE BEEN DRINKING ALL AFTERNOON."
AND THAT WAY, HE KNOWS, ONE, THAT YOU'RE EASY,
AND TWO, THAT YOU LIKE TO DRINK.
I THOUGHT A GREAT PLACE TO MEET GIRLS WOULD BE NIGHT SCHOOL.
YOU KNOW, WHERE THEY TEACH ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THESE GIRLS WOULD BE FROM FOREIGN LANDS
AND, YOU KNOW, MAYBE STILL A LITTLE DISORIENTED
FROM THE JOURNEY, AND I WOULD LOOK ATTRACTIVE
BECAUSE I SPEAK ENGLISH VERY GOOD.
BUT IN THE END, IT DID NOT WORK OUT AS I HAD HOPED.
I MEAN, BASICALLY, I WAS TOLD TO TAKE A HIKE IN 14 LANGUAGES.
WHERE DO YOU MEET PEOPLE?
I DON'T KNOW. THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
WHY, IS THERE A PROBLEM?
* WHEN WILL I BE LOVED? *
NO.
NO WAY. I'M NOT GOING OUT WITH THIS GUY.
JUST CALL HIM.
SAY, "HELLO." HE'S IN MY BOOK CLUB.
WHY IS THERE A WOMAN IN THIS PICTURE?
IT'S HIS WIFE. THEY'RE SEPARATED,
BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THE TROUBLE OF PHOTOSHOPPING HER OUT
IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED.
THEY ARE IN HAWAII.
I BELIEVE IT'S THE FOUR SEASONS.
THIS COULD BE YOU IN THE PHOTOGRAPH.
ALOHA.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.
Woman: YEAH, I'VE GOT A PICTURE, TOO.
Man: ME, TOO.
IS THAT WHY YOU'RE ALL HERE?
THE WHOLE FAMILY?
EVERYONE HAS A PICTURE FOR ME?
THIS IS AN INTERVENTION, SARAH.
THIS GUY'S GREAT.
A BEAUTIFUL GIRL LIKE YOU CAN'T JUST GIVE UP.
THERE'S LIFE AFTER DIVORCE, YOU KNOW.
YOU WERE MARRIED TO THE SAME WOMAN FOR 45 YEARS, DAD.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT DIVORCE?
THIS GUY'S MY BOSS. BE NICE.
PRECIOUS LITTLE, I ADMIT.
OH, THE BLACK SPECTER OF TWO LIVES TORN ASUNDER.
NOT HELPING, DAD.
I WISH YOUR SAINTED MOTHER
WERE HERE, GOD REST HER SOUL.
SHE'D KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
PUT ON ANOTHER POT OF TEA,
THAT'S WHAT SHE'D SAY.
THE IRISH ANSWER TO ALL PROBLEMS.
WELL, IT WORKED MOST OF THE TIME.
WHO IS THIS? I HAVE NO IDEA,
BUT IF YOU'RE INTERESTED, I'LL GOOGLE HIM.
IS THIS IT FOR FOOD IN THIS HOUSE?
LIKE, EIGHT CRACKERS.
AND WHAT ARE THESE? ARE THESE BANANAS?
I THINK THEY WERE AT ONE TIME.
I'LL TAKE ONE.
I GUESS I FORGOT TO SHOP THIS MONTH.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, SIS?
I MEAN, REALLY, IT'S BEEN EIGHT MONTHS.
DAD'S "GIVING UP" IDEA SOUNDS INTRIGUING.
I COULD BECOME THE CRAZY AUNT
WHO MOVES IN DOWN IN THE BASEMENT.
PUT A COT IN FOR ME, SOME HERBAL TEAS.
I'D LIKE TO GET A DOG, IF THAT'S OK.
MARC, DON'T YOU HAVE
A FRIEND FOR SARAH?
"A FRIEND FOR SARAH."
I'M NOW AN EPISODE OF "LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE."
COME ON, YOU MUST KNOW SOMEBODY.
Marc: NOT REALLY.
BUT IF YOU WANT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR,
I DO KNOW A COUPLE OF MARRIED GUYS.
HERE.
WE'LL LET THAT BE OUR FALLBACK, OK?
OK.
Man: AN AFFAIR, THAT'S...
Woman: MY HUSBAND TO THE RESCUE.
Man: DON'T, UH, DON'T COVER MINE.
I THINK AFFAIRS SHOULD GO ON THE OTHER SIDE.
YEAH.
HI, JAKE.
HEY, CHARLIE.
DIVORCE IS FINAL.
YOU'RE A FREE MAN. WHOO-HOO.
I DON'T KNOW IF "WHOO-HOO"
IS THE APPROPRIATE SENTIMENT.
FOUR YEARS, A WOMAN I REALLY LOVED,
AND I GOT MY ASS KICKED. HIGH FIVE.
IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF MOMENT, EITHER.
DOWN LOW? JUST 'CAUSE I WANT THIS TO STOP.
YOU ARE OFFICIALLY, BY THE WAY,
THE WORST CLIENT I'VE EVER HAD.
THANK YOU.
LET LISA HAVE EVERYTHING SHE WANTED.
EVEN THE JUDGE WANTED YOU TO KEEP THOSE BOXING GLOVES.
OH, YOU KNOW, SHE REALLY LIKED YOU.
WELL, I LIKED HER, TOO, AS FAR AS JUDGES GO.
NO, I MEAN REALLY.
WOW,
THAT'S A GOOD-LOOKING COUGAR. EXCELLENT STUFF.
THINK SHE'D LIKE TO BUY A HANDMADE, STAINABLE TEAK BOAT?
MAYBE IF IT CAME WITH PRIVATE LESSONS.
MM. EVERYBODY WANTS ALL THAT TUPPERWARE,
THOSE COMPUTER-DESIGNED FIBERGLASS COMPOSITE THING.
I MEAN... DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE BOATS.
THEY LOOK LIKE BOATS WHEN THEY GO
WHIZZING BY YOUR WOODEN GUY HERE.
THAT WAS ONE RACE, AND I'VE MADE SOME ADJUSTMENTS, CHARLIE.
WOOD BOATS CAN WIN-- YOU TRUST ME ON THAT.
THEY CAN'T WIN-- THAT'S WHY PEOPLE DON'T WANT THEM.
ALL RIGHT, THEY CAN'T WIN, BUT THEY LOSE BEAUTIFULLY,
AND THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE IS JUST BETTER.
LOOK AT THIS-- WITH MY OWN HANDS, I'M MAKING THESE BOATS
THE EXACT SAME WAY THE SPANISH AND THE PORTUGUESE
MADE THEIR GREAT SHIPS OF EXPLORATION.
THERE'S A CONTINUITY AT STAKE HERE, CHARLIE.
THIS IS MORE THAN A BOAT.
THIS IS A TIME MACHINE.
IF YOU PAID THIS MUCH ATTENTION TO LISA,
YOU MIGHT STILL BE TOGETHER.
THIS IS TRUE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, IF I HAD TO DO IT
ALL OVER AGAIN, I WOULD.
[KNOCKS ON WOOD, CLUCKS TONGUE]
I WOULD.
LISA TAUGHT ME ABOUT SADNESS,
ABOUT HUMAN FRAILTY,
AND HOW UNBEARABLY FLEETING HAPPINESS CAN BE.
I'M GONNA OWE HER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
OH, YOU'LL BE PAYING. MONTHLY.
HOPE YOU DON'T MIND THAT I BROUGHT MOTHER TERESA.
JENNIFER NEEDED A BREAK.
ARE YOU KIDDING? I LOVE THIS GIRL.
MOTHER TERESA!
DO YOU HAVE A FRIEND FOR ME?
HEY, IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT AT HOME?
YEAH. JENNIFER JUST GETS TIRED OF ALL THE FAMILY GATHERINGS.
OH. TOO MANY OLD STORIES.
IT MAKES HER FEEL LEFT OUT.
YEAH. KEVIN USED TO SAY THAT.
I STILL SAY IT.
I SAY IT, TOO.
IT SEEMS HARD NOW, SARAH, I KNOW,
BUT YOU'VE GOT A CHANCE TO MAKE A WHOLE NEW LIFE FOR YOURSELF.
THANK YOU, MICHAEL,
BUT IN THE MARKETPLACE OF AVAILABLE WOMEN...
ANY GUY WOULD BE LUCKY TO GET YOU.
YOU'RE SMART, FUNNY, YOU'RE EVEN KIND OF PRETTY
WHEN YOU'RE NOT WALLOWING IN SELF-PITY.
AM I WALLOWING? REALLY?
AND YOU'RE NOT THE WALLOWER IN THE FAMILY.
CAROL IS THE WALLOWER.
ME? I NEVER WALLOW. I SUFFER IN SILENCE.
NO, THAT'S CHRISTINE. SHE WALLOWS!
THANK YOU, MICHAEL.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
SYLVIA PLATH!
THIS IS WHY PEOPLE DON'T HAVE LARGE FAMILIES ANYMORE.
BYE.
[ALL SAYING GOOD-BYES]
LOVE YOU, CAROL. OK, I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW.
BYE. SEE YOU, DAD.
THANK YOU. I THINK. BYE, DAD.
BYE, CHRIS. BYE.
SEE YOU LATER, DAD.
BYE, DADDY. BYE!
THERE'S SOMEONE SPECIAL WAITING FOR YOU, SARAH.
[CHUCKLES] I KNOW IT.
SOMEONE WORTHY.
KEVIN WAS NOT-- ON HIS BEST DAY--
GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, SWEETHEART.
NOW YOU TELL ME.
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
WHY NOT?
Charlie: YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU,
AND I LOVE LISA,
BUT I THINK YOU'RE BOTH BETTER OFF.
WE SURE WEREN'T MAKING EACH OTHER HAPPY THERE AT THE END.
OR THE BEGINNING.
OR THE MIDDLE.
I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG, WE ALL...
WANTED TO SLEEP WITH LISA,
BUT MARRIAGE...
[COUGHS] THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
I SAID THAT OUT LOUD, DIDN'T I?
YOU DID.
BETTER STRIKE THAT FROM THE RECORD, RIGHT?
NO, SERIOUSLY, LAWYERS GET TO DO THAT.
I'M INSTRUCTING YOU TO DISREGARD THAT NOW.
I THINK WOMEN HAVE THE WHOLE THING PLANNED.
REALLY. THE WHOLE THING.
AN EPIC NARRATIVE IN THEIR HEADS.
YOU KNOW MY THEORY ABOUT THIS?
WHEN YOU MEET, THEY HAVE THE WHOLE STORY WRITTEN,
BUT YOU DON'T GET TO READ IT.
BUT IF YOU GO OFF SCRIPT-- RIGHT?--
THEY WRITE YOU OUT OF THE STORY.
I WENT OFF SCRIPT, I GOT WRITTEN OUT OF ACT THREE.
NOW YOU'RE IN ACT FOUR,
WHERE I GET YOU RIGHTEOUSLY BANGED EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK.
CHARLIE, I'M TOAST. I JUST GOT SHREDDED.
I AM... OH...
IT'S HEALING TIME.
I'M ON THE BENCH. HEY. HEY.
I'M OUT OF THE GAME. HEY.
BENCH ME. BENCH ME! HEY. HEY!
HEY. BENCHED.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
* I WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU ALL OF MY HEART *
* BUT THERE'S SOMEONE WHO'S TORN IT APART *
* AND HE'S TAKEN JUST ALL THAT I HAD *
* BUT IF YOU WANT TO TRY TO LOVE AGAIN *
[CHUCKLES]
* BABY, I'LL TRY TO LOVE AGAIN *
* BUT I KNOW *
* THE FIRST CUT IS THE DEEPEST *
* BABY, I KNOW *
* THE FIRST CUT IS THE DEEPEST... *
Man: I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
SINGLE CHICKEN BREAST, PLEASE.
YOU KNOW, FOR AN EXTRA 75 CENTS,
YOU CAN GET THE WHOLE FRYER HERE.
TWO BREASTS, TWO THIGHS, AND A WING--
TODAY'S SPECIAL. THANK YOU--
I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'D EAT ALL THAT.
IT'S JUST AN EXTRA 75 CENTS.
IT'S NOT THE 75 CENTS.
I HATE TO SEE FOOD GO BAD.
OH, WE GOT A HUNDRED RECIPES HERE.
YOU CAN ALWAYS COOK 'EM UP,
FREEZE 'EM AND... LOOK.
LISTEN TO ME, MISTER.
I'M DIVORCED, OK?
I EAT ALONE, USUALLY STANDING OVER THE SINK.
I DON'T WANT A BUNCH OF CHICKEN HANGING AROUND, OK?
OK.
THANK YOU.
* I STILL WANT YOU BY MY SIDE *
* JUST TO HELP ME DRY THE TEARS THAT I'VE CRIED *
* BUT I'M SURE GONNA GIVE YOU A TRY *
* OH *
* THE FIRST CUT IS THE DEEPEST *
* BABY, I KNOW *
* THE FIRST CUT IS THE DEEPEST *
* WHEN IT COMES TO BEING LUCKY, HE'S CURSED... *
HEY! THERE SHE IS!
GOOD MORNING.
HOW ARE YOU? GOOD MORNING.
I CALLED YOU LAST NIGHT.
SEE IF YOU WERE UP FOR A MOVIE
OR BOWLING OR GROUP SHAMPOOING.
I'M SORRY. ERIC'S PARENTS ARE IN TOWN.
MRS. AND MRS. STALIN. I'M UNDER HOUSE ARREST.
WEREN'T THEY JUST HERE?
THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY CAN'T STAY AT A HOTEL.
NOTHING I EVER DO SEEMS TO MAKE THEM HAPPY.
AND THEY MAKE ERIC SO NERVOUS.
HE'S LIKE THE TIN MAN.
YOU HAVE TO HANG IN THERE FOR ME, LEO.
YOU AND ERIC ARE MY MODEL FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP.
I FEAR FOR YOU, CHILD.
ANYONE HAVE ANYTHING EXCITING HAPPEN THIS WEEKEND
THAT THEY'D LIKE TO SHARE?
MY UNCLE MIKE SLEPT OVER.
UNCLES AND AUNTS
ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO US, AREN'T THEY?
HE'S NOT REALLY MY UNCLE,
BUT MY MOMMY MAKES ME CALL HIM THAT.
AHA!
WHEN HE'S THERE,
I CAN'T SLEEP WITH MY MOMMY,
BECAUSE HE'S IN HER BED.
ANYONE ELSE HAVE ANYTHING THEY'D LIKE TO SHARE?
YES. AUSTIN.
MY PARENTS ARE TRYING IT APART FOR A WHILE.
WE HAVE A THEME, JUNE.
YES, WE DO.
MY MOM SAYS MY DAD IS INCORRIGIBLE.
THAT MEANS HE LIKES OTHER WOMEN.
[MUSIC PLAYING] [GIRL GIGGLES]
GOOD! GOOD!
ONE, TWO...
Girl: LET ME TRY!
THAT'S A HOP.
[LAUGHTER]
ONE, TWO. THAT'S A NEW STEP.
VERY GOOD.
MOLLY, YOU WANT TO TRY THE STICKS?
June: YEAH, COME ON, MOLLY.
VERY GOOD. KEEP IT GOING LIKE THAT.
NO, I'M PLAYING IT!
June: OH, AUSTIN!
GOOD LORD, IT'S A GUSHER!
[SARAH LAUGHS]
LET ME SEE YOUR BOO-BOO...
OH, HEY, BUBBA.
LOOK WHO'S HERE.
DADDY!
OH! YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEP, I'M FINE. GOOD.
[SIGHS] HE HAD A DECENT-SIZED
BLOODY NOSE THERE FOR A WHILE.
BUT HE'S FINE NOW.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO RUSH RIGHT OVER.
OH, KID BLEEDS, I SHOW UP.
IT'S HOUSE RULES. YOU WANT TO GET
YOUR STUFF TOGETHER NOW? YEAH.
OK. THEN I NEED A MINUTE ALONE WITH MS. NOLAN.
OK. BYE, MS. NOLAN.
BYE.
[CLEARS THROAT]
NO. NO, NO.
SO, MS. NOLAN...
SARAH. PLEASE.
AND I'M BOB. UH,
ACTUALLY, EVERYBODY CALLS ME BOBBY.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CHANGE IT BACK SINCE THIRD GRADE.
OH, I-I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A PUSHOVER FOR BOBBYS,
EVER SINCE, UH, MY FIRST BOYFRIEND, BOBBY HEALY, JUST--
WHOO! YOU KNOW? HA HA HA! WHOA.
I FORGET. IS IT "ALWAYS DISCUSS YOUR PERSONAL HISTORY WITH THE PARENTS"
OR "NEVER DISCUSS"?
IT'S "ALWAYS DISCUSS."
BESIDES--I FIND IT COMFORTING.
SO, HAS AUSTIN TOLD YOU ANYTHING ABOUT...
ABOUT YOU AND-- YEAH.
THAT YOU'RE TAKING A BREAK FROM YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOU'RE INCORRIGIBLE.
HEH. THAT PARTICULAR PHRASING CAME FROM HIS MOTHER.
I WOULDN'T HAVE PUT IT EXACTLY THAT WAY. BUT--
I'M SORRY. IF THERE'S EVER ANYTHING
YOU THINK I NEED TO KNOW, JUST TELL ME.
OH, I WILL.
SOMETIMES WITH AUSTIN, YOU CAN FORGET,
BECAUSE HE SEEMS SO MATURE.
I KNOW. THE OTHER DAY, HE WAS ASKING ME ABOUT MY RETIREMENT PLAN.
WELL, HE CARES ABOUT YOU, AND HE WANTS YOU TO BE FINANCIALLY SECURE.
HEH HEH HEH!
YOU KNOW AUSTIN ADORES YOU. I CAN SEE WHY.
THANK YOU, BOB.
I MIGHT PREFER BOBBY AFTER ALL.
I MEAN, I LIKE THE... I LIKE THE HISTORY.
HEH HEH.
["LARA'S THEME" FROM "DOCTOR ZHIVAGO" PLAYING]
2 GUYS ALONE IN THE AFTERNOON WATCHING "DOCTOR ZHIVAGO--"
THERE'S SOMETHING GRAVELY WRONG HERE.
IT'S ALL THERE, MAN-- THE YEARNING, THE SUFFERING,
A WOMAN YOU'LL PURSUE THROUGH BLIZZARDS, ACROSS CONTINENTS...
A LOVE SO REAL, EVEN AFTER YOU'RE DEAD, IT STILL HURTS.
THAT'S ALL I WANT. YOU NEED TO GET OUT.
YOU DO. YOU NEED TO SEE REAL PEOPLE.
DO YOU WANT TO WATCH IT AGAIN? NO.
I WANT TO GO OUT. COME ON.
I PREVIEWED SOME INTERNET ADS FOR US.
INTERNET ADS? COME ON.
I WANT ZHIVAGO'S INTERNET AD:
"TRAGIC DOCTOR/POET IN DESPERATE PAIN
SEEKS LIKE-MINDED PLAYMATE FOR LONG SNOWSHOE ACROSS EURASIA."
WHAT DO YOU BET HE GETS A COUPLE HUNDRED RESPONSES FOR THAT ONE?
I THOUGHT WE'D START WITH BISEXUAL ASIAN WOMEN WHO LIKE TO FLY-FISH.
NO INTERNET ADS, MAN. I'M DOING THIS IS FOR YOU.
I HATE TO FLY-FISH. NO, YOU DON'T.
WHAT ABOUT SHERRY? I GAVE YOU HER NUMBER.
SHE SAID YOU NEVER CALLED. SHERRY?
SHERRY'S 24 YEARS OLD. HER RANGE OF INTERESTS
EXTENDS FROM KICKBOXING TO TAE BO.
SHE'S GORGEOUS, AND SHE SLEPT WITH HALF THE GUYS IN MY OFFICE.
THEN WHY DO YOU WANT TO SET ME UP WITH HER?
SHE SLEPT WITH HALF THE GUYS IN MY OFFICE.
SHE'S IN HER EARLY TWENTIES. YOU KNOW THE EPIC NARRATIVE I TALKED ABOUT?
HERS WOULD NOT ONLY BE SECRET, IT WOULD BE INCOHERENT.
I WOULDN'T GET PAST THE COVER PAGE.
I MEAN, I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING MORE THAN SHERRY.
"HOPELESSLY ROMANTIC, YOUNG FIFTIES WIDOWER SEEKS LADY FRIEND
"WHO ENJOYS THE SLOW BLOOM OF AFFECTION.
"LOVES DOGS, CHILDREN, AND LONG, MEANDERING BIKE RIDES.
I WILL BE CARRYING A SINGLE YELLOW ROSE."
OHH. I GOTTA MEET THIS GUY.
WHERE ARE YOUR BOOB SHIRTS? MY WHAT?
YOUR BOOB SHIRTS.
DON'T WORRY. I BROUGHT SOME OF MINE.
OH, BOOB SHIRTS. I CAN'T WEAR THAT.
OK. I HAVE SOME DATING TIPS FOR YOU.
I GOT THEM FROM "SPORTS ILLUSTRATED." SOLID GOLD.
YES. THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY BIBLE FOR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.
AT LEAST LISTEN TO THE TIPS.
YOUR SISTER HAS GONE TO A LOT OF TROUBLE HERE.
OK.
"ONE, MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT.
"BUT BE SURE IT ISN'T TOO INTENSE.
YOU AREN'T A HAWK EYEING ITS PREY."
IT'S GOOD THAT YOU TOLD ME THAT, 'CAUSE I MIGHT HAVE DONE MY HAWK THING.
"TWO, MEN RESPOND SEXUALLY WHEN THEY THINK WOMEN ARE EXCITED BY THEM."
REALLY?
"THE MORE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE,
THE MORE YOUR PUPILS WILL OPEN WIDE TO TAKE IT ALL IN."
OPEN YOUR PUPILS.
OH, MY GOD. I'M DATING AGAIN.
DATING? I CAN'T DO THIS! NO, IT'S OK.
COME ON. NO. YOU'LL BE FINE.
IT'S OK. IT'LL BE FUN.
WHAT IF HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX?
WHAT IF I WANT TO HAVE SEX?
NO, NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME, CHRISTINE. I COULD FREAK OUT.
WHAT IF I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF?
YOU'RE MEETING FOR MUFFINS IN A PUBLIC PLACE.
I THINK YOU'LL BE SAFE.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
DAD? SARAH!
MY DARLING GIRL.
DARLING. DON'T YOU PUT THE SUNSHINE TO SHAME.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
THAT'S A FINE HOW-DO-YOU-DO
FROM ONE OF MY FAVORITE DAUGHTERS.
I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST THAT I'M MEETING A--
WHY DO YOU HAVE A YELLOW...
IS THAT A ROSE?
IT IS A ROSE, IF THE TRUTH BE TOLD.
BUT BY ANY OTHER NAME...
AND IT'S FOR A LADY FRIEND. ISN'T IT?
THAT IS, IN FACT, THE VERY PURPOSE.
NO!
NOW, SARAH. COME ON. NO!
IT IS A NATURAL COURSE OF THIS LIFE
THAT YOUR DAD WOULD HAVE A LADY FRIEND BY NOW.
I FEEL YOUR SAINTED MOTHER WHISPERING HER APPROVAL TO ME EVERY DAY.
AND WOULD THIS LADY FRIEND BE SOMEONE
WHO MIGHT ENJOY THE SLOW BLOOM OF AFFECTION, PERHAPS?
THAT WOULD BE GRAND, YES.
I'M YOUR DATE, DAD.
I AM. I ANSWERED MY OWN FATHER'S PERSONAL AD.
HEH HEH HEH!
DON'T LAUGH. IT'S NOT FUNNY!
IT SHOWS I BROUGHT YOU UP
TO KNOW THE DIAMOND FROM THE RIFFRAFF. THAT'S ALL.
A YOUNG 50, DAD? YOU'RE 71. AH.
AND WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU RODE A BIKE? MEANDERING OR ANY OTHER WAY?
WELL, THINK OF IT AS POETRY, DARLING.
THAT'S WHO I AM IN THE BOTTOM OF MY SOUL.
AND, UH, SARAH, MY DARLING...
WHAT?
I'M GLAD YOU'VE STARTED DATING AGAIN.
DAD, PLEASE. THIS IS DISTURBING ON SO MANY LEVELS.
AT LEAST LET ME HAVE THE ROSE.
I CAN'T. I'M SEEING SOMEONE ELSE AT 4:00.
[GASPS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
[MACHINE CLICKS]
HELLO, YOU'VE REACHED SARAH NOLAN.
LEAVE A MESSAGE IF YOU WANT TO.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
SARAH, IT'S ME, CHRISTINE. PICK UP.
COME ON, SARAH, I ALREADY TALKED TO DAD.
[SIGHS]
WHO ELSE KNOWS?
Christine on phone: NO ONE.
COME ON. CAROL HAS TO KNOW.
WHY DOES CAROL HAVE TO KNOW? COULDN'T I ONCE KNOW SOMETHING
BEFORE SHE DOES?
SHE'S THERE WITH YOU, ISN'T SHE?
NO.
HELLO, CAROL.
Carol on phone: HI. SARAH. I WAS JUST TELLING CHRIS
THAT IT'S A SHAME I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS BEFORE,
BECAUSE I COULD HAVE CALLED UNCLE CHET. WE COULD HAVE DOUBLED.
HA HA HA! OH, NO! HA HA HA!
THIS STORY IS GOING TO BE IMMORTALIZED
INTO FAMILY HISTORY, ISN'T IT?
TOLD AND RETOLD AT THANKSGIVING DINNER, YEAR AFTER YEAR.
OH, NOT JUST THANKSGIVING. I THINK IT'S A GOOD CHRISTMAS STORY, TOO.
HA HA HA! HA HA HA!
BYE, GUYS. OH, WAIT.
HEY, TELL THE TRUTH. ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10,
HOW WOULD YOU RATE DAD AS A DATE? HOT? SUPER HOT?
HA HA HA! HA HA HA!
[CLICK]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
DON'T BE MAD AT ME FOR THIS, OK?
THE LAST TIME YOU SAID THAT TO ME, YOU STOLE MY BOYFRIEND--
DANNY SHEA.
I DID NOT STEAL DANNY SHEA.
I HAVEN'T FORGIVEN YOU, BY THE WAY.
STOP. HE WAS A TERRIBLE KISSER.
HE KISSED JUST FINE WITH ME.
OK. HERE GOES.
I WENT ONLINE, PRETENDED I WAS YOU,
AND PUT YOUR PROFILE ON PERFECTMATCH.COM.
HO HO HO!
YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP.
YOU CAN'T JUST SIT BACK AND PASSIVELY ANSWER OTHER PEOPLE'S ADS ANYMORE.
WE ARE ON OFFENSE.
WELL, FORGIVE ME IF I'M A TAD GUN-SHY
AFTER MY LAST DATE WITH MY FATHER.
COME ON. AT LEAST LOOK AT YOUR PROFILE.
THAT'S MY HIGH-SCHOOL GRADUATION PICTURE.
THAT'S ALL I HAD. THAT OR YOUR WEDDING PHOTO.
"VOLUPTUOUS"? CAROL!
EVERY WOMAN LISTED CLAIMS TO BE AT LEAST VOLUPTUOUS.
SOME ARE "GORGEOUS INSIDE AND OUT."
MOST ARE "SEXUALLY CONFIDENT."
"VOLUPTUOUS, SENSUOUS DWF SEEKS SPECIAL MAN
TO SHARE STARLIT NIGHTS. MUST LOVE DOGS."
I PUT THAT IN FOR YOU.
AND YET I'M STILL PISSED.
I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING RIGHT. YOU HAVE 18 RESPONSES.
YOU LISTENED TO THEM, DIDN'T YOU?
I LIKE 3, 11, AND 14.
CHRISTINE LIKES 2 AND 8. MICHAEL LIKED THEM ALL.
BUT YOU DECIDE FOR YOURSELF.
* HEY, THERE, LONELY GIRL *
* LONELY GIRL *
* LET ME MAKE YOUR BROKEN HEART *
* LIKE NEW *
* HEY, THERE, LONELY GIRL *
* LONELY GIRL *
* DON'T YOU KNOW THIS LONELY BOY LOVES YOU? *
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY VOLUPTUOUS?
DO YOU MEAN BIG BREASTS, OR DO YOU MEAN FAT?
RUFF, RUFF! I LOVE DOGS, TOO.
I HAVE A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.
BUT YOU COULD PROBABLY ALREADY TELL THAT.
YO.
MY NAME IS WALTER TAYLOR.
I'M AN ATTORNEY. UH, DON'T HANG UP.
I LIKE OPERA. DON'T DELETE ME.
Sarah: SO, ANYWAY, I GET ALL DRESSED UP,
AND I WALK DOWN THE STAIRS.
AND I SEE MY FATHER SITTING THERE
HOLDING A SINGLE YELLOW ROSE.
AND IT DAWNS ON ME--
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
WELL, NO OFFENSE. IT'S JUST....
I THOUGHT YOU'D BE YOUNGER. THAT'S ALL.
OH. WELL, YOU SAID YOUR AGE RANGE WAS 25 TO 45.
I GUESS I WAS HOPING MORE FOR 25...
23...
18--THAT'S LEGAL.
OH.
IT'S NICE TO BE OUT.
I'VE BEEN FEELING KIND OF BLUE LATELY.
I KNOW. YOU MENTIONED THAT ON THE PHONE, LENNIE,
THAT YOU'VE-- KIND OF DEPRESSED.
DID I CRY? WELL, A LITTLE BIT.
I'VE BEEN ON 17 FIRST DATES THIS YEAR.
NO SECOND DATES...
ONE WENT TO, UH,
CHECK HER COAT AND NEVER CAME BACK.
ONE JUMPED OUT AT THE LIGHT WHEN IT CHANGED.
WOW. WELL, WE'RE ALMOST THROUGH THE SALAD.
THAT'S A GOOD SIGN.
[CRYING]
NO. LENNIE...
PLEASE. DON'T.
[SOBBING] PLEASE.
LENNIE...NO.
* IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, CLAP YOUR HANDS *
COME ON.
* IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, CLAP YOUR HANDS *
[LOUD SOBBING] OH, GOD!
Man: COME ON. GET HER, GET HER.
DAMN. [GRUNTS]
DON'T BE UPSET.
I COME FROM A LARGE FAMILY.
LOTS OF MALE COUSINS, BROTHERS.
USED TO THIS SORT OF THING.
THREE OUT OF FIVE.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. MAYBE LATER.
COME ON.
YOUR TABLE IS ALMOST READY.
OH, GOOD. WE'RE WORKING UP AN APPETITE.
THE FOOD HERE IS FABULOUS.
IT'S NOT CHEAP, THOUGH.
WELL, I OFFERED TO PAY MY HALF.
AND WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
MARSHAL'S GIRLS DON'T PAY.
BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'D LOOK REALLY GOOD IN HANDCUFFS.
[SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
CHARLIE, MY BOY, SOME NICE-LOOKING PIECES HERE.
REALLY? I DIDN'T SEE ANYONE.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE ARTWORK. BET THIS COST A BUNDLE.
HEY, GUYS. HI!
Charlie: SPEAKING OF ARTWORK...
HI, SHERRY. HI, CHARLIE. HI, JAKE.
HI. HOW ARE YOU?
LET'S DO 2.
THAT'S HOW THEY DO IT IN FRANCE.
YOU HAVING FUN?
WELL, I FEEL SORRY FOR THE ARTIST AT THESE THINGS.
ALL THIS TALENT ON DISPLAY, AND EVERYBODY HERE IS JUST TRYING TO GET LAID.
I KNOW I AM.
YOU NEVER CALLED ME, MISTER. I WAITED AND WAITED.
I KNOW I AM.
I'M SORRY, SHERRY.
IT'S JUST THAT I'M NOT READY RIGHT NOW
TO BE IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP.
AND WITH SOMEBODY AS WONDERFUL AND AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU,
I JUST WOULDN'T EXPECT ANYTHING LESS.
OHH! WHY CAN'T YOU BE SWEET LIKE THAT, HUH?
Man: SHERRY!
HEY, GUYS.
SHORT ATTENTION SPAN.
YOU'RE A SICK GUY. YOU KNOW THAT?
JUST ANOTHER IN A LONG LINE OF COLOSSAL MISTAKES.
I'M NOT ANSWERING AN INTERNET AD.
LOOK AT THIS. "VOLUPTUOUS AND SENSUOUS.
MUST LOVE DOGS." WONDERFUL.
LOOK AT THE PICTURE.
WELL, SHE IS APPEALING.
SHE IS GONNA BE REALLY GOOD-LOOKING WHEN SHE GROWS UP.
YEAH. I'M SURFING PORN SITES LAST NIGHT, LIKE ALWAYS.
I KEEP GETTING KICKED OVER TO PERFECTMATCH.COM,
WHICH IS, UH, WELL, NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE.
AND THIS GIRL'S PROFILE JUST KEEPS REPEATING,
LIKE A SIGN FROM HEAVEN. AND I THOUGHT OF YOU.
TELL THE PROM QUEEN THANKS, BUT NO. I'M STILL BENCHED.
TOO LATE. YOU'RE MEETING HER TOMORROW AT 11:00. BRING A DOG.
NO. I'M NOT.
[DOGS BARKING]
[BARKING]
[BARKING AND WHIMPERING] OH, IT'S OK.
[GROWLS]
STOP THAT GROWLING!
USE YOUR WORDS.
STOP! SIT! STOP. SIT.
STOP! SIT!
I DON'T THINK HE KNOWS "STOP" OR "SIT." WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT?
BRUNO, FOCUS. ROLL OVER AND PLAY DEAD.
[STOPS BARKING]
HEY, LOOK AT THAT. LOOK AT THAT.
THAT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE.
YOU SARAH? JAKE.
YEAH. HI. YEAH. HI.
I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU WITHOUT THE CAP AND GOWN.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH. YEAH.
THIS IS REALLY AMAZING.
YEAH.
UM, IT IS. YOU KNOW, WHEN HE PLAYS DEAD, HE REALLY PLAYS DEAD.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT. HE CAN STOP HIS HEART
LIKE A SUFI MYSTIC.
DOES HE SLEEP ON A DOGGY BED OF NAILS?
YES. AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE DOES. OH.
HE FEELS NOTHING. OR PERHAPS HE FEELS TOO MUCH.
HA HA HA.
I THINK HE WANTS HIS TREAT NOW.
DO YOU THINK SO? I DON'T KNOW. YEAH.
WHILE HE'S PLAYING DEAD? I THINK IT MIGHT RUIN THE WHOLE EFFECT.
I DON'T KNOW. HE'S YOUR DOG.
HE'S ACTUALLY NOT MY DOG. HE'S MY FRIEND CHARLIE'S.
SO, YOU'RE HERE UNDER FALSE PRETENSES. NO.
NOT AT ALL. YOU SAID "MUST LOVE DOGS,"
NOT "MUST OWN DOGS." I DO LOVE DOGS.
IN FACT, I HAD ONE WITH MY EX.
SHE WAS ALLERGIC. SHE WENT INTO ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK.
SO, WE HAD TO PUT HER DOWN.
DOG--NOT THE WIFE.
I'M KIDDING ABOUT BOTH.
HEH. THIS IS...
THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL CANINE YOU HAVE HERE.
HI. YES.
THIS IS MOTHER THERESA.
YEAH. SHE... PLAYS WITH LEPERS?
COMFORTS THE POOR?
YEAH. HOW LONG YOU HAD HER?
TECHNICALLY, SHE'S NOT REALLY MINE. SHE'S MY BROTHER'S.
I'M SHOCKED AND SADDENED...
FALSE PRETENSES.
WELL, WE ARE RELATED. SHE'S FAMILY.
AND I DO REALLY LOVE DOGS.
AND MY EX WAS ALLERGIC ALSO. YEAH?
YES. HE OFTEN HAD ANAPHYPHLECTIC SHOCK.
YOU'RE MAKING THAT UP.
YES, I AM.
ME, TOO.
TELL ME. I'M JUST CURIOUS ABOUT ONE THING.
WHY DID YOU WRITE "VOLUPTUOUS"?
OH, MY-- NO, I DID NOT MEAN TO BE RUDE AT ALL.
IT'S JUST THAT "VOLUPTUOUS," THAT TENDS TO GO THE OTHER WAY
WHEN SOMEONE USES THAT KIND OF PHRASE--
TOWARDS THE FULL-FIGURED END OF THE SPECTRUM.
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A FULL-FIGURED SPECTRUM.
YEAH, BUT IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE WORDS THEY USE IN PERSONAL ADS
LIKE "RUBENESQUE" OR "WEIGHT PROPORTIONATE TO HEIGHT," RIGHT?
MM-HMM.
HEY, IT'S YOUR AD. YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT. I'M--
JUST FOR THE RECORD, YOU KNOW, GIRL SAYS "ATHLETIC,"
USUALLY SHE MEANS "FLAT-CHESTED." WHICH YOU'RE NOT.
BUT, UM, THIS ISN'T COMING OUT RIGHT.
LOOK, YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY.
I'M.... I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
I'M NOT USED TO MEETING PEOPLE THIS WAY.
REALLY? YOU SEEM VERY PRACTICED AND SMOOTH.
OH...
YOUR AD DOESN'T DO YOU JUSTICE. THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD REWRITE MY AD FOR ME.
WELL, MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO. AND WHY NOT?
BECAUSE MAYBE I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO ANSWER IT.
DID YOU PLAN ON SAYING THAT SOMETIME TODAY?
NO. I DIDN'T. BUT IT'S GOOD, ISN'T IT?
HEH, IT IS GOOD. IT'S A GOOD LINE.
MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY THIS OVER AGAIN. SURE. YEAH. OK.
HI, I'M JAKE.
HEH. SARAH.
SO, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WRITE AN AD? I MEAN, YOU DON'T SEEM THAT DESPERATE.
WHY WOULD YOU ANSWER ONE? TALK ABOUT DESPERATE.
OH, I'M NOT. I MEAN, I DIDN'T.
IT WAS MY FRIEND'S. HE GAVE IT TO ME.
WELL, I DIDN'T WRITE IT. MY SISTER DID.
YOUR SISTER'S AD? YOUR BROTHER'S DOG?
ARE THOSE YOUR SHOES?
OH, MY! LOOK AT THE TIME! COME ON, HONEY.
I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS, I'D LIKE TO GET TO KNOW THE REAL YOU.
I HAVE TO GET THIS DOG HOME. AND YOU DON'T WANT TO GO OVER ON YOUR RENTAL.
NO, NO. WELL, MAYBE WE COULD TRY THIS ANOTHER TIME,
YOU KNOW, WITHOUT THE DOGS.
YOU BET.
I'LL CALL YOU.
UH-HUH.
YOU KNOW, SARAH, FOR THE RECORD,
YOU ARE KIND OF VOLUPTUOUS IN A MINIMALIST SORT OF WAY.
I'M NOT SURE I'M UP FOR THIS DINNER AT DAD'S NEW GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE.
HE SEEMS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT HER.
WHERE ARE MARC AND JASON?
THEY TOOK THE KIDS TO MAGIC MOUNTAIN.
THE KIDS DIDN'T EVEN REALLY WANT TO GO. THE DADS WHINED.
OH, THEY ARE SO SPOILED, THOSE DADS.
SO, HOW WAS YOUR DAY TODAY? AT THE DOG PARK?
HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DEALING WITH HERE?
YOU'RE GOOD. I HAVE TO GIVE YOU THAT.
SO, COME ON. TELL ME. OK.
WE GOT OFF TO KIND OF A ROUGH START. BUT THEN IT WAS OK, YOU KNOW?
HE WAS A LITTLE INTENSE. HE WAS NERVOUS. HE COULDN'T STOP INSULTING ME.
I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THIS SOUNDS LIKE.
NO. IT'S NOT. BUT IT IS.
NO, DON'T SAY IT. IT'S A GROWTH OPPORTUNITY.
I'M NOT OVER MY LAST GROWTH OPPORTUNITY WHEN YOU STOLE DANNY SHEA.
OH, WILL YOU FORGET DANNY SHEA?
HE'S PROBABLY A CONVICTED FELON BY NOW--DIVORCED.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL HIM. CAROL...
WHAT ABOUT THAT GUY YOU MET AT PRESCHOOL? YOU MAIMED HIS KID?
BOB CONNOR. YEAH, MR. INCORRIGIBLE.
CAROL, I TOLD YOU. I CAN'T. HE'S THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY STUDENTS.
YES, HONEY, BUT HE'S NOT YOUR FATHER.
THAT'S A BIG STEP FORWARD FOR YOU.
BILL. DOLLY.
MMM.
HEY!
WHAT A LOVELY HOME YOU HAVE, DOLLY.
THANK YOU. WHEN MY THIRD HUSBAND DIED,
I DECIDED TO GIVE UP THE BIG HOUSE.
THIRD OUT OF HOW MANY?
HEH.
AND THESE POTHOLDERS? WOW.
WHERE DID YOU MANAGE TO FIND THEM?
WHY, EVERYTHING IN THIS HOUSE IS HANDMADE BY DOLLY.
OH. YES. SHE'S VERY CREATIVE.
OUR MOTHER USED TO SEW ALL OUR CLOTHES WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER.
SARAH... WELL, SHE DID.
YOUR FATHER TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOUR MOTHER, HONEY.
SHE MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY SPECIAL LADY.
SHE WAS.
AND YOU MUST MISS HER VERY MUCH.
I DO. AND YOU SEE ME
AS SOMETHING OF AN INTERLOPER, I SUPPOSE.
DO YOU WANT ME TO LIE DOWN FOR THIS?
WE'RE AT INTERLOPING? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?
IT'S DAD'S LIFE. I DON'T MEDDLE.
CAROL, YOU MEDDLE IN MY LIFE ALL THE TIME.
WELL. TECHNICALLY, THAT'S NOT TRUE,
BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A LIFE.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? I HAPPEN TO HAVE A VERY FULL LIFE.
DID YOU EVEN CHECK ALL OF YOUR MESSAGES?
BECAUSE THERE HAPPENED TO HAVE BEEN A FEW
THAT I THOUGHT WERE VERY PROMISING. LIKE WHO?
LIKE THE ENGINEER FROM OXNARD.
WITH THE SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION.
IN WHAT WAY WOULD HE BE PROMISING?
YOU COULD CURE HIM-- THE WHOLE NURSE-PATIENT THING.
OH. YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WORKED OUT.
IT WAS VERY BRAVE OF HIM TO BE SO FORTHCOMING.
WHY DON'T YOU CALL HIM, THEN? WELL, WHY DON'T YOU?
OH, CALL HIM! GO FOR IT. I'LL GIVE YOU HIS NUMBER.
MAYBE I WILL. OK. GO FOR IT.
HEY, THERE. MS. NOLAN...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING YELLING IN WHISPERING BREEZE PARK?
LOOK WHO IT IS.
WHAT A SURPRISE. OH, HI, MS. NOLAN.
HOW ARE YOU? HI, SWEETIE.
WHO'S THAT? OH, THIS IS MY SISTER CAROL.
NICE TO MEET YOU. THIS IS AUSTIN, MY STUDENT.
AND HIS DAD, MR. CONNOR--
HI. BOB.
ACTUALLY, I GO BY BOBBY NOW.
RIGHT. YOU LIVE HERE?
YEAH. THEY CATER TO THE RECENTLY SEPARATED AND DIVORCED.
BUT I'M THE YOUNGEST GUY HERE BY 40 YEARS, SO IT'S GOOD FOR MY MORALE.
MY WIFE AND I ARE GONNA TRY IT APART.
I KNOW.
WILL YOU JUST LOOK AT HER, SON?
IS MY LITTLE GIRL LOVELY, OR IS MY LITTLE GIRL LOVELY?
OH, DAD. DON'T WORRY ABOUT EMBARRASSING ME.
STOP IT, BILL. SHE IS CUTE AS A BUTTON, THOUGH.
SO, WHAT IS IT YOU DO, BOBBY?
SARAH NEVER TELLS US ABOUT HER BEAUS.
I'M FINISHING MY Ph.D. IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
IT'S A BIOGRAPHY OF ROBERT E. LEE.
I ALWAYS FELT SORRY FOR LEE--FORCED TO FIGHT AGAINST HIS OLD FRIENDS
AND WEST POINT CLASSMATES, COULD ONLY DRESS IN GRAY.
SAD. [LAUGHTER]
SHE'S FUNNY, TOO-- A COMPLETE PACKAGE, YOU KNOW.
WHEN I NEED EXTRA MONEY, I WORK CONSTRUCTION FOR MY BROTHER.
WELL, IT SOUNDS VERY MANLY. DO YOU WEAR A HARD HAT?
HEH HEH. SARAH WAS THE ONE WHO ALWAYS HAD THE BOYS KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.
OH, DAD.
SHE HAD EYES ONLY FOR THAT SINGER. WHAT WAS HIS NAME?
THIN FELLOW-- UH, LOOKED LIKE A GIRL--
MICK JAGGER.
NO, NO, NO. SARAH WAS
SAVING HERSELF FOR DAVID CASSIDY.
LIKE YOU WEREN'T.
CAROL WASN'T SAVING HERSELF FOR ANYBODY.
WHAT? AH! I REMEMBER NOW.
IT WAS DAVID CASSIDY OF THE PHEASANT FAMILY.
BILL, BILL, HONEY, PARTRIDGE FAMILY.
YOU KNOW, I SAW HIM LAST YEAR IN VEGAS.
HE WAS GOOD. HADN'T CHANGED A BIT-- SAME TURTLENECK.
SARAH HAD THE WHOLE PARTRIDGE ACT DOWN.
SHE'D PUT ON THE LITTLE MINISKIRT, THE GO-GO BOOTS,
AND PRETEND THAT SHE WAS SUSAN DEY.
THIS IS ALL A LIE.
SING THE THEME SONG, SARAH.
DON'T MAKE ME KILL YOU, CAROL.
YOU REMEMBER THE INTRO.
[IMITATES HARPSICHORD]
* HELLO WORLD, THERE'S A SONG THAT WE'RE SINGING *
NO. COME ON. COME ON.
* COME ON, GET HAPPY * [LAUGHTER]
* A WHOLE LOTTA LOVIN' IS WHAT WE'LL BE BRINGIN' *
* WE'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY *
* WE HAD A DREAM WE'D BE TRAVELIN' TOGETHER *
* SPREAD A LITTLE LOVIN' *
* THEN WE KEEP MOVING ON *
* SOMETHING ALWAYS HAPPENS WHENEVER WE'RE TOGETHER *
* WE GET A HAPPY FEELING WHEN WE'RE SINGING A SONG *
* HELLO WORLD, THERE'S A SONG THAT WE'RE SINGING *
* COME ON, GET HAPPY *
* A WHOLE LOTTA LOVIN' IS WHAT WE'LL BE BRINGIN' *
* WE'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY *
[ALL LAUGHING]
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
Sarah: OH, THAT WAS WHAT HE TOLD YOU.
THAT WAS A GREAT NIGHT. GREAT NIGHT.
I FORGOT HOW MUCH FUN
THOSE HUMILIATING FAMILY SING-ALONGS CAN BE.
CAN I SAY ONE THING ABOUT MR. INCORRIGIBLE?
ONLY IF YOU SING IT.
HE IS HOT, AND HE LIKES YOU.
I CAN'T! IT'S JUST MY LUCK!
HE'S THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY STUDENTS.
HOW MANY TIMES CAN I TELL YOU?
HE HAS A PH.D. AND A GREAT ASS.
LET'S NOT GET DRAGGED DOWN BY ETHICS.
TECHNICALLY, HE DOESN'T HAVE HIS PH.D. YET.
BUT YES, THE ASS THING-- I KNOW.
LET'S NOT EVEN MENTION THE EYES,
THE CRINKLY SMILE.
NO, THAT WOULD BE WRONG.
[SIGHS] SO CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
NO.
YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE LEFT KEVIN, WOULD YOU?
IF HE HADN'T...LEFT ME, NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
BUT YOU WEREN'T REALLY HAPPY.
WELL, I FIGURED THAT WAS THE LIFE I PICKED,
SO I HAD TO MAKE THE MOST OF IT.
I'M NOT EVEN SURE I DESERVE A NEW LIFE NOW.
SOMETIMES I THINK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY ONE CHANCE
AND I BLEW IT.
WHERE DID WE GET
THESE BAD ATTITUDES, YOU THINK?
THE NUNS?
YEAH, THAT WORKS.
LET'S BLAME THE NUNS.
CAN I SAY ONE MORE THING?
YOU LOVE ME. I KNOW.
I DO.
[DOOR CLOSES]
I MEAN, I WAS REALLY, REALLY BAD. SHE DID NOT SEE MY "A "GAME.
IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE DIDN'T SEE YOUR "B" OR "C" GAME, EITHER.
I'M GONNA CALL HER AGAIN, YOU KNOW? I WANT TO ASK HER OUT.
I NEED A MULLIGAN. DOG THREW ME. I MEAN, THE SUN WAS IN MY EYES.
SO, JUST PICK SOMEONE ELSE AND START OVER.
NO, THIS GIRL-- THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL ABOUT THIS GIRL.
YOU KNOW THE EXPRESSION, "SHE TOOK MY BREATH AWAY"?
I MEAN, SHE DID. I ACTUALLY GASPED.
I'M OFF THE BENCH, MAN.
[SIGHS] THINK SHE'LL SEE YOU AGAIN? I WOULDN'T.
YOU'RE NOT NICE. LIKE, YOU'RE NOT A NICE PERSON.
["MONSTER MASH" PLAYING]
HI, JUNE. HI. HEY, JUNE.
HI, JUNE. HEYA, JUNE.
NEED MORE CUPCAKES, SARAH.
ALL THE DADS ARE STAYING FOR THE PARTY.
WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?
I HAVE NO IDEA. EVERY HALLOWEEN,
IT'S THE SAME THING. BUT I GUESS IT'S GREAT
HOW INVOLVED THEY ARE IN THEIR KIDS' WORLD.
ISN'T IT? YEAH. YEAH.
WHY DON'T YOU AND ERIC COME OVER TONIGHT?
I'LL RENT A HOPELESSLY ROMANTIC MOVIE,
AND WE CAN ALL HOLD HANDS TOGETHER AND CRY.
SOUNDS FUN. BUT WE CAN'T.
IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY, AND WE ALWAYS SPEND IT JUST THE TWO OF US.
OHH. SWEET.
7 YEARS AGO TONIGHT, WE MET AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE.
THEY WERE TRYING TO FIX ERIC UP WITH MY SISTER.
OOPS.
SORRY WE'RE LATE. AUSTIN DRIVES SO SLOW.
LISTEN. I HOPE MY FAMILY WASN'T TOO EMBARRASSING LAST NIGHT.
OH, NO, NOT AT ALL.
THEY DO SEEM A LITTLE BIT INVOLVED IN YOUR LIFE.
OH, YEAH. YEAH.
AUSTIN'S MOM'S FROM A LARGE FAMILY.
THAT'S A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE THAT DON'T SPEAK TO ME ANYMORE.
THIMBLEFUL OF JUICE?
SURE. BUT JUST ONE.
TO GOOD TEACHERS.
TO GOOD DADS.
TO GOOD TEACHERS WHO ARE ALSO VERY BEAUTIFUL.
TO GOOD DADS WHO ARE DANGEROUSLY CUTE AND CHARMING.
THERE YOU GO.
HEH HEH.
AHH.
THERE'S AN ATTRACTION HERE, SARAH. YOU CAN'T DENY IT.
I'M NOT. I'M TRYING TO IGNORE IT.
WHY? WELL, FOR ONE,
AUSTIN IS MY STUDENT.
TWO, WE'RE IN THE PUPPET CLOSET.
COULDN'T WE GO OUT SOMETIME, OUT IN THE REAL WORLD?
I'M NOT SO GOOD IN THE REAL WORLD.
I WAS LOOKING AT THE HANDBOOK,
UNDER "DATING-- PARENTS AND TEACHERS."
NOTHING. THERE'S NOTHING THERE.
SARAH, WE NEED THE EMERGENCY PANTS.
IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
THE EMERGENCY PANTS-- COME ON, SWEETIE.
[SIZZLING]
HEY, BABE. MY NAME IS RON,
MID-FORTIES, HANDSOME, TOTALLY TONED,
5-7, 161 POUNDS, GIVE OR TAKE A PIECE OF PIZZA.
HA HA! NO, I'M NOT KIDDING. I'M TOTALLY TONED. CALL ME. YOU WON'T BE SORRY.
OOH.
HI, SARAH. IT'S LENNIE.
I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME, AND I'M...
[SOBBING]
I'LL CALL BACK.
HI. UH, SARAH?
IT'S JAKE ANDERSON, THE IDIOT FROM THE DOG PARK.
ACTUALLY, THAT WAS ALL A TEST TO SEE HOW YOU RESPOND TO CRAZY PEOPLE.
AND YOU PASSED.
SO, MAYBE WE COULD SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN.
WHAT DO YOU SAY? DO YOU WANT TO GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE?
[ARMENIAN MUSIC PLAYING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING AND CHEERING]
YOU KNOW, I HAD A COUPLE OF ICEBREAKERS.
I EVEN HAD A FEW STORIES FOR YOU, ANECDOTES.
BUT I FORGOT THEM ALL. I THINK IT MIGHT BE THAT DRESS.
MY SISTER CAROL MADE ME BUY IT. I LOVE CAROL.
HA HA HA. HEH.
HMM.
WELL, THIS IS A VERY CHARMING PLACE.
YEAH. GOOD FOOD?
NO, NOT PARTICULARLY. BUT I LIKE THE AMBIANCE.
I COME HERE BECAUSE I KNOW THE OWNERS, THE PARSEGHIANS--
THAT COUPLE OVER THERE. SEE?
THEY'RE WAVING. THEY WANT US TO JOIN THEM.
OH, A FEW YEARS AGO, IN A MOMENT OF BLAZING CLARITY,
I FORSWORE ETHNIC FOLK DANCING. SO...
THEY'LL COME OVER AND SAY HELLO AND MAYBE--
HOW ARE YOU? HI! [SPEAKING ARMENIAN]
HOW ARE YOU? [SPEAKING ARMENIAN]
HELLO! HELLO!
[SPEAKING ARMENIAN]
NICE, RIGHT? [SPEAKING ARMENIAN]
SARAH, MR. AND MRS. PARSEGHIAN. HELLO.
WELCOME, SARAH. THANK YOU.
[BOTH SPEAKING ARMENIAN]
SEE YOU LATER. YES.
WE'LL DRINK. OK. ABSOLUTELY.
YOU SPEAK ARMENIAN. A LITTLE BIT.
WELL, WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I ASKED HIM, "WHERE IS THE YOUTH HOSTEL?" IT'S ALL I REMEMBER.
HA HA HA!
IT'S KIND OF A JOKE WE HAVE.
WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO, EXACTLY?
I--GOD. NO WONDER I LIVE ALONE.
OH. UH, I BUILD BOATS.
YOU KNOW, THESE HANDCRAFTED WOODEN SCULLS--
ROWING? YEAH.
THE RACING ONES. REALLY?
YEAH. YEP. OH.
DOES ANYONE BUY THOSE? NOPE. NOT YET.
EVERYBODY WANTS ALL THESE HIGH-TECH,
FIBERGLASS, YOU KNOW--
NO TURBULENCE. I MEAN, WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT RIDE?
I DON'T KNOW. BUT THEY'LL COME AROUND.
WELL, DON'T COUNT ON ME. I GET SEASICK--IN THE BATHTUB.
REALLY? YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT? CAN WE JUST SKIP ALL THE SMALL TALK?
WHAT? CAN WE SKIP THE SMALL TALK?
JUST SKIP IT?
YOU KNOW? LIKE, WHO ARE YOU? WHO AM I?
WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE TOGETHER TONIGHT?
I JUST HAVE THIS THEORY THAT WHEN YOU FIRST MEET SOMEBODY,
THAT'S THE TIME
WHEN YOU HAVE TO BE TOTALLY HONEST,
BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.
5, 10 YEARS DOWN THE ROAD, GETS A LOT HARDER.
YOU CAN'T JUST WAKE UP ONE DAY AND SAY,
"HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, DEAR. THIS IS THE REAL ME." IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? I MEAN, THIS IS IT.
WE'RE NEVER GONNA SEE EACH OTHER AS CLEARLY AND AS NAKEDLY
AS WE DO IN THIS MOMENT, RIGHT NOW, THIS INSTANT.
I'M REALLY SCARING YOU RIGHT NOW, AREN'T I?
JUST A LITTLE BIT. YEAH.
BUT, YOU KNOW, ON THE ONE HAND...
YOU'RE VERY CHARMING AND INTERESTING,
AND YOU HAVE A LOT OF ENERGY,
AND, YOU KNOW, ON THE OTHER HAND, A LITTLE BIT SCARY.
OK. WELL, HERE'S MY STORY.
HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.
OK.
I'M JUST DIVORCED. AND I HAD MY HEART BROKEN BADLY
BY A WOMAN THAT I REALLY LOVED.
WOW.
YOU KNOW, BUT I THINK YOUR HEART GROWS BACK BIGGER.
YOU KNOW? ONCE YOU'VE GOT THE...BEAT OUT OF YOU.
AND THE UNIVERSE LETS YOUR HEART EXPAND THAT WAY.
I THINK THAT'S THE FUNCTION OF ALL THIS PAIN AND HEARTACHE
THAT WE ALL GO THROUGH. YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA GO THROUGH THAT
TO COME OUT TO A BETTER PLACE. AND THAT'S HOW I SEE IT, ANYWAY.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHY IS A DAZZLING WOMAN LIKE YOU SINGLE?
OHH. UM...
COME ON, YOU CAN DO IT. YOU CAN JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH.
OR IF YOU KNOW WHAT THE TRUTH IS. I MEAN, JUST BE HONEST.
WHAT HAVE WE GOT TO LOSE, YOU KNOW?
AFTER THE DINNER, WE SHAKE HANDS. "GOOD NIGHT."
NEVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN. ALL RIGHT.
HE STOPPED LOVING ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID OR WHAT I DIDN'T DO.
HE JUST STOPPED.
I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SAID THAT OUT LOUD BEFORE.
SEE? THAT WAS GREAT. WE JUST TOTALLY HAD AN HONEST MOMENT.
NOW WE CAN SIT BACK AND ENJOY OUR FOOD
AND GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER. I'M JAKE.
HEH.
[MOANING]
[PANTING] CONDOM?
YOU DON'T HAVE ONE? WHY WOULD I HAVE ONE?
FOR OCCASIONS LIKE THIS.
THERE HAVEN'T BEEN ANY OCCASIONS LIKE THIS. OH.
YOU DIDN'T BRING ONE?
I DIDN'T WANT TO JINX IT.
SO, THIS PRESCHOOL OF YOURS. IT'S WHAT, TRADITIONAL? DEVELOPMENTAL? MONTESSORI?
YEAH, YEAH. ALL THAT. DRUGSTORE! OK.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[SIGHS] THERE'S A RITE AID ON 93rd. HANG A LEFT.
OK. SHOULD I TAKE THE FREEWAY, YOU THINK?
PLEASE TURN LEFT. ALL RIGHT.
[HORN HONKS]
[SIGHS] IS THIS THE FASTEST YOU CAN GO?
I COULD GO FASTER, BUT WE'D LIFT OFF.
YOU DRIVE. ALL RIGHT.
WHOA! WHOO!
FOR BIG ONES, YOU NEED ABOUT 5, 6 COATS OF VARNISH.
FOR THE SINGLES... IT'S A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT.
THERE'S ONE RIGHT THERE. JACKPOT!
THEY'RE OUT!
HOW CAN THEY BE OUT? I DON'T KNOW.
BUT I HAVE A THEORY.
EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE CITY IS HAVING SEX
AT THE EXACT SAME MOMENT, EXCEPT US.
BUT WE WILL PRESS ON.
OH.
WOW. [SIGHS]
YAY.
WHAT'S WRONG?
WELL, THE MAGIC IS GONE A LITTLE.
OH. OK.
I MEAN, I--
NO, NO. I UNDERSTAND TOTALLY. LOOK, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, LOOK. THERE'S OTHER THINGS WE CAN DO.
I'D BE HAPPY JUST TO STAY WITH YOU AND LOOK AT YOU ALL NIGHT.
YEAH. I HAVEN'T DONE THIS IN A WHILE. AND, UM--
NOW YOU DON'T WANT TO. YEAH.
YEAH.
HEY, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. LOOK, IF THE MAGIC IS GONE, THAT IMPLIES
THAT THERE WAS ONCE MAGIC THERE. AND THAT'S NOT BAD
FOR A FIRST DATE. SECOND DATE.
THIS IS GREAT. HMM.
I HAD A GREAT TIME. ME, TOO.
SO...
GOOD NIGHT.
YOU STILL HAVE TO DRIVE ME HOME, THOUGH.
RIGHT, BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIVE HERE.
Carol: HELLO. DON'T WORRY. IT'S JUST ME.
I'M IN THE KITCHEN.
I FILLED YOUR FREEZER AGAIN.
THERE'S NOW ENOUGH MEAT TO FEED EVERY GUY
WHO ANSWERED YOUR AD AND STILL...
JAKE ANDERSON, MY SISTER CAROL.
HI.
JAKE DID, IN FACT, ANSWER THE AD.
DO I GET MY MEAT?
THANK YOU.
SORRY TO SCARE HIM AWAY.
IT'S OK. I THINK WE BOTH REALIZED
IT WASN'T GOING TO HAPPEN TONIGHT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? HE'S SO CUTE.
I DON'T KNOW. WE HAD A GREAT NIGHT--
LAUGHING, REALLY TALKING.
YOU HAD A GUY TALKING, AND YOU LET HIM ESCAPE?
I'M NOT SURE I ACTUALLY UNDERSTOOD A LOT OF WHAT HE SAID.
DOESN'T MATTER. HE SPOKE.
AND ARE WE TALKING FULL SENTENCES HERE OR JUST GRUNTING?
HE'S QUITE EMOTIONAL. I THINK I KNOW
MORE ABOUT HIM THAN I DO ABOUT KEVIN.
AN EMOTIONAL MAN WHO LIKES TO TALK...
THIS IS A MYTHICAL FIGURE, SARAH.
I DON'T THINK I'M READY FOR HIM.
HE'S LOOKING FOR THE WHOLE DANCE,
AND I'M JUST STARTING TO RELEARN THE STEPS.
WHAT HAPPENED, EXACTLY?
COME ON, TELL ME. LEAVE NOTHING OUT.
OK. WE REALLY CONNECTED AT THE RESTAURANT, LIKE I SAID.
BUT THEN, WHERE DO YOU GO FROM THERE? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
HOW MUCH BABA GHANOUSH CAN YOU HAVE?
THEN WE STARTED MAKING OUT, WHICH WAS LIKE BEING IN 11th GRADE AGAIN.
THEN NEITHER ONE OF US HAD A CONDOM,
WHICH I THINK REFLECTS SOME AMBIVALENCE.
MAYBE I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR THIS LIFE IN THE FAST LANE.
FAST LANE? YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON THE ON-RAMP.
BUT THESE PEOPLE SEEM HAPPY.
WELL, OF COURSE THEY DO. THEY HAVE A CONDOM.
MARC AND I COULDN'T FIND A CONDOM ONCE.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT WE USED?
NO. SARAN WRAP.
THANK YOU FOR THAT IMAGE, WHICH WILL STAY IN MY BRAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
IT WAS SEXY, IN A "GOOD HOUSEKEEPING" KIND OF WAY.
I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO WRAP LEFTOVERS AGAIN.
DID IT WORK?
MAEVE WAS BORN 9 MONTHS AND ONE DAY LATER.
I DON'T WANT TO JUST DO RANDOM DATING, CAROL. I WANNA BE IN LOVE.
I WANT TO WAKE UP NEXT TO SOMEONE AND SEE THEM SMILE,
DO THE WHOLE SUNDAY BREAKFAST THING-- GO OUT AND GET THE PAPER,
STAY IN BED TOGETHER ALL DAY.
WOULDN'T WE ALL?
MAN, THIS IS--THIS IS ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS.
I JUST--I LOVE THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BUILT IT WITH YOUR OWN HANDS.
YEAH, HAND-CRAFTED, HAND-CARVED.
I MEAN, I HOPE YOU'LL FIND THAT IT'S MORE THAN JUST A BOAT.
IT'S A TIME MACHINE.
I LOVE IT. I WANT IT. I'LL TAKE IT.
GREAT. DID YOU DO A LOT OF RACING IN COLLEGE?
I DON'T PLAN TO RACE IT.
COULD YOU CUT IT IN HALF FOR ME?
EXCUSE ME?
YEAH, CUT IT IN HALF LENGTHWISE,
'CAUSE I THINK IT WOULD BE EASIER
TO MOUNT ON THE WALL THAT WAY.
YOU WANT TO MOUNT THE BOAT? WELL, YEAH.
I THOUGHT I'D PUT IT THE DEN,
'CAUSE IT'D LOOK GREAT ABOVE MY BIG SCREEN.
YOU KNOW, I THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD
GO TO IKEA AND BUY A CANOE.
IT'S NOT FOR SALE IN THAT WAY.
HE'S--HE'S KIDDING, RIGHT?
WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE?
I'VE ALWAYS HAD THIS DREAM THAT IT'S GOING TO END UP WET.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. IT'S JUST, IT'S NOT FOR SALE IN THAT WAY
AT THIS TIME. EVER, REALLY.
OK. WELL-- YEAH.
LOOK, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, I REALLY DO WANT IT.
YEAH, IF I CHANGE MY PERSONALITY,
I'LL LET YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, WHAT I'VE BECOME.
OK...
THANKS SO MUCH.
NICE GUY.
STANLEY OWES ME A FAVOR, IT WAS A GUARANTEED SALE.
OH, SO WHAT? OH, THAT'S RIGHT,
YOU CAN AFFORD TO BE PICKY.
YOU SOLD, UH, LET'S SEE, NO BOATS.
NO BOATS AT ALL.
YOU WORRY TOO MUCH.
YOU REALLY DO.
YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD.
THAT MUST HAVE BEEN SOME DATE.
OH, CHARLIE, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS GIRL.
SHE'S SHY,
SHE'S FRAGILE, SHE'S SELF-CONSCIOUS,
SHE HAS NO IDEA HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE IS.
SHE'S A MESS. IT'S FANTASTIC.
THE EVENING DIDN'T END UP GREAT,
BUT THERE WERE MOMENTS IN THERE,
MOMENTS WHERE WE WERE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY OURSELVES.
I MEAN, I WAS COMPLETELY PSYCHOTIC,
BUT SHE WAS COMPLETELY LOVELY.
ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT COMPLETELY
CLOSING THE SALE ANYTIME SOON, OR...
YEAH, SEE, I TELL YOU ABOUT A NIGHT WITH AN UNUSUAL WOMAN,
AND YOU TRY TO TURN IT INTO SOME BUSINESS TRANSACTION.
WE'RE NOT BUYING AND SELLING REAL ESTATE HERE, CHARLIE.
AND IF WE WERE SELLING REAL ESTATE?
WE'D BE IN ESCROW THIS WEEKEND.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I SEE DAD'S NOT ALONE.
AH, NEVER. NOT OUR DAD.
I'M NOT CALLING ANY OF THEM MOM.
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
WHAT IS THE NEW ONE'S NAME AGAIN?
UH, I BELIEVE THAT IS MARLENE.
THERE'S ALSO A LINDA, BUT I DON'T THINK THAT'S HER.
THAT'S DOROTHY.
WELL, WHO KNEW?
HI, THERE.
AUNT EILEEN!
HA!
YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU, DEAR.
YOU LOOK FINE, TOO, CONSIDERING.
WE NEVER LIKED KEVIN.
WE COULDN'T SAY ANYTHING, BUT WE KNEW.
THAT'S SO SWEET.
I HEAR YOU'RE NOT SEEING ANYONE.
IS THAT WISE? WITH THE CLOCK TICKING?
BECAUSE I HAVE SOMEONE SPECIAL FOR YOU.
CASEY DONOVAN. HANDSOME, SMART, SINGLE,
AUNT EILEEN? YES?
HE'S MY FIRST COUSIN.
[TAPPING ON GLASS]
THIS IS A FINE DAY FOR THE NOLAN FAMILY, I TELL YOU.
FOR MY SON, BILL JR.--
[APPLAUSE]
AND YOUNG RYAN HERE, THE CONFIRMATION BOY,
AND OLD BILL HERE.
[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
I'D LIKE TO DO A POEM, IF I MAY,
TO COMMEMORATE THE OCCASION.
WHO DO YOU THINK HE'LL GO WITH?
TENNYSON. BROWNING.
YEATS.
"BROWN PENNY"
BY WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS.
WHO KNOWS HER DADDY?
I WHISPERED, "I AM TOO YOUNG,"
AND THEN, "I AM OLD ENOUGH."
WHEREFORE I THREW A PENNY TO FIND OUT IF I MIGHT LOVE.
"GO AND LOVE, GO AND LOVE, YOUNG MAN.
IF THE LADY BE YOUNG AND FAIR."
AH, PENNY, BROWN PENNY, BROWN PENNY.
I AM LOOPED IN THE LOOPS OF HER HAIR.
O LOVE IS THE CROOKED THING.
THERE IS NOBODY WISE ENOUGH
TO FIND OUT ALL THAT IS IN IT
FOR HE WOULD BE THINKING OF LOVE TILL THE STARS HAD RUN AWAY
AND THE SHADOWS EATEN THE MOON.
AH, PENNY, BROWN PENNY, BROWN PENNY.
ONE CANNOT BEGIN IT TOO SOON.
[ALL MURMURING]
Man: THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, HUH?
[APPLAUSE]
SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, AUNT EILEEN.
IT'S ALWAYS A PLEASURE.
MOTHER TERESA!
MOTHER TERESA, NO, STOP, MICHAEL!
OH, IT'S OK, I DON'T MIND.
SHE DOESN'T MIND.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
SHE ACTUALLY LIKES DOGS, AND ME. SHE JUST FORGETS.
BYE.
SARAH, DARLING,
SOME PRESSING BUSINESS HAS COME UP,
AND I WAS HOPING YOU'D FERRY DOLLY HOME FOR ME.
OK, SURE, DAD.
I DON'T MIND STAYING.
YOU'RE A SWEETHEART, BOTH OF YOU.
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY COMPETITION?
I DON'T REALLY WANT TO DISCUSS MY FATHER'S--
OH, IT'S OK, IT'S OK, I KNOW.
A WOMAN ALWAYS KNOWS.
NOT ALWAYS.
YOUR GUY GO YOUNGER? YEAH.
THEY ALWAYS GO YOUNGER, DON'T THEY?
IT DOES SEEM TO TREND THAT WAY, DOESN'T IT?
WHEN THEY'RE 80, THEY WANT 60.
WHEN THEY'RE 60, THEY WANT 40.
HELL, WHEN THEY'RE 80, THEY WANT 40.
AND THEY GET IT, TOO.
GODDAMN SUPPLY AND DEMAND.
WE OUGHT TO KILL THE GUY WHO THOUGHT THAT ONE UP.
SO YOU DIDN'T SEE IT COMING, HUH?
NO, I THOUGHT WE WERE HAPPY.
MAYBE NOT "HAPPY" HAPPY, BUT, YOU KNOW, SATISFIED.
I THOUGHT WE WERE HAPPY THREE TIMES.
[COMPUTER DINGS] OOH, GOT A LIVE ONE.
YOU GOTTA COME TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
I LOVE THIS INTERNET.
IT'S PART FANTASY, PART COMMUNITY,
AND YOU GET TO PAY YOUR BILLS NAKED.
THEY DON'T STRESS THAT ENOUGH AS A SELLING POINT.
IT'S JEREMY IN SAN DIEGO.
HE THINKS I'M 16.
HE INVERTED THE NUMBERS IN MY AGE.
I DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO TELL HIM.
OH, NO, THAT WOULD'VE BEEN CRUEL.
HE COMES TO ME FOR ADVICE. HE THINKS I'M VERY MATURE.
WE'RE PINNED.
OH!
YOU'RE ON THIS, AREN'T YOU?
PERFECTMATCH.COM.
WHAT, JUST ONE SITE? YEAH.
HONEY, YOU GOTTA PUT MORE BETS ON THE TABLE.
I'M ON AT LEAST TEN.
YOU GET TO TRY OUT DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES.
LIKE HERE. I SAY,
"I'M INTO OPERA, ANTIQUES,
POETRY IN THE ORIGINAL GREEK."
AND ON THIS ONE--
"I LIKE TO SKYDIVE, RIDE MOTORCYCLES
AND ENJOY RODEO."
BUT YOU DON'T DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS.
IT'S AN AD.
IT'S LIKE THOSE CARS THAT SAY THEY GET 30 MILES TO THE GALLON.
I MEAN, WHO KNOWS?
YOU JUST WANT SOMEONE TO TAKE YOU OUT FOR A TEST DRIVE.
I'M JUST NOT COMFORTABLE ADVERTISING MYSELF THIS WAY.
HONEY, WHEN YOU GET TO BE MY AGE, AND YOU'RE APPROACHING YOUR EXPIRATION DATE,
IT PAYS TO ADVERTISE.
THIS BABY NEVER SLEEPS.
IT'S WORKING FOR ME 24 HOURS A DAY,
GOD BLESS ITS LITTLE PENTIUM-CHIP HEART.
SO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR EX.
KEVIN. HE'S A FIREMAN.
AND CUTE.
VERY, VERY CUTE.
I HAVE THE CALENDARS.
WE MET DURING THAT PERIOD OF MY LIFE
WHEN I WAS DATING ALL MY BROTHERS' FRIENDS.
MY FIRST 2 HUSBANDS WERE FRIENDS OF MY BROTHER DAVE.
BOTH OF THEM BASTARDS.
BUT THEN, SO WAS MY BROTHER DAVE.
THINGS SEEMED TO BE GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN WITH ME AND KEVIN.
WE HAD OUR WORK.
WE GOT A HOUSE.
THEN IT WAS TIME TO HAVE KIDS.
BUT HE WAS NEVER READY.
I WAS 34, THEN 35, THEN 36.
THEN INSTEAD OF CHILDREN,
KEVIN DECIDED TO HAVE VERONICA. RONNIE.
CHATTY AS HELL AND 15 YEARS YOUNGER.
THEY GOT MARRIED 2 MONTHS AGO.
HMM.
DID I MENTION THAT SHE'S PREGNANT?
[BARKS]
[LAUGHS] GO GET IT.
[BARKS]
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT IN THE REAL WORLD?
I'M DOG SITTING WHILE MY BROTHER AND HIS WIFE
ARE AT MARRIAGE COUNSELING.
THEY DON'T WANT HER TO KNOW THEY'RE HAVING ANY TROUBLE.
YOU'RE A DOG GUY.
YOU KIDDING ME? I'M HALF LABRADOR.
THROW THAT BALL. SEE WHO GETS IT.
YEAH, RIGHT.
I FOUND HIM. I FOUND THE ONE I WANT!
AUSTIN! I FOUND MY PUPPY!
YOU DID?
I'M GETTING A PUPPY!
YOU ARE? THAT'S AMAZING!
OH, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
OK, LET'S GO GET HIM!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU, BUBBA.
[BARKING]
THOUGHT IT'D BE GOOD FOR HIM.
GREAT IDEA. YEAH.
I WAS GONNA ASK YOU IF YOU THOUGHT HE WAS TOO YOUNG,
BUT IT'S A GOOD AGE, RIGHT?
I THINK SO, YES.
A BOY NEEDS A DOG. RIGHT?
ABSOLUTELY.
WHO ELSE IS GONNA EAT HIS VEGETABLES FOR HIM?
I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT IT MEANS TO ME
THAT AUSTIN'S SO HAPPY IN SCHOOL.
HE'S JUST LUCKY TO HAVE YOU IN HIS LIFE.
WE BOTH ARE.
I FOUND HIM, DAD, I FOUND MY PUPPY.
COME ON IN. HE WANTS TO KISS YOU!
OH, I THINK YOU'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER TRAILER.
YEAH...
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[RING]
HELLO?
SO I KNOW OUR DATES AREN'T BEGINNING OR ENDING WELL,
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE I FIND INTRIGUING.
WELL, IT'S NOT DULL, IS IT?
THAT'S A GOOD THING, RIGHT?
SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY? YOU WANT TO GET TOGETHER?
YOU REALLY WANT TO GIVE IT ONE MORE SHOT WITH ME?
WHY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
YOU'RE THIS WHOLE NEW STYLE, THIS WHOLE NEW SYSTEM.
VIVID GRAMMAR OF EROTICISM.
A COMPLETELY UNIQUE CONSTELLATION OF ATTRIBUTES.
MY HALLEY'S COMET.
DO YOU WRITE THIS STUFF DOWN?
NO, THAT ACTUALLY CAME OUT OF MY HEAD.
SOMETIMES I USE NOTES.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
HOLD ON. SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR.
DOLLY. WHAT A SURPRISE.
I'M IN TROUBLE, SARAH. I NEED HELP.
HELLO? SARAH, IS EVERYTHING OK? SARAH.
SHE CAN'T TALK NOW. IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
[DIAL TONE]
IT'S JEREMY FROM SAN DIEGO. HE'S HERE.
I DON'T SEE WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
WELL. FOR ONE THING, JEREMY, YOU ARE 17, AND SHE'S--
41. YEAH, BUT THOSE ARE JUST NUMBERS.
I MEAN, LOOK AT JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND CAMERON DIAZ.
SHE'S GOTTA BE WHAT, 100?
OH, COME ON, JEREMY. BE NICE.
SHE'S PROBABLY THE SAME AGE AS ME.
SOME PEOPLE GO THEIR WHOLE LIVES LOOKING FOR THEIR SOUL MATE.
AND I FOUND MINE WHEN I WAS 15, SUE ME.
15?
YOU SAID YOU WERE 17.
OOPS.
DUDE, IT IS SO NOT COOL TO LIE TO ME.
I'M SORRY.
I JUST DIDN'T THINK YOU'D TAKE ME SERIOUSLY
IF YOU THOUGHT I WAS A KID.
OF COURSE I TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.
YOU'RE A WONDERFUL BOY, HONEY.
AND WE CAN ALWAYS BE FRIENDS.
BUT JUST FRIENDS.
YOU KNOW THAT.
OK.
AND THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE.
I'M NOT REALLY 41.
I'M 43.
DO YOUR HOMEWORK.
I COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO GO OVER 50.
IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN FAIR TO HIM.
GOOD NIGHT.
NIGHT.
THANK YOU, SARAH.
ANYTIME.
SARAH, HI.
I WAS IN THE TRAILER-HOOD. I THOUGHT I MIGHT STOP BY.
OH. GOOD.
SARAH? IS THAT YOU?
SARAH! HI!
JUNE?
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE--
NO, NO, THIS IS GOOD. WE'RE ALL HERE.
WE CAN HAVE A PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE.
OH, I'LL JUST GO HOME NOW AND GO TO BED,
AND MAYBE STAY THERE FOREVER.
SARAH HAS A FRIEND WHO LIVES PRACTICALLY NEXT DOOR.
OH, WOW. WELL, THAT'S COOL.
I LOVE WEIRD. HUGE COINCIDENCES.
YEAH.
YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO COME IN?
WE JUST OPENED A BOTTLE OF WINE.
OH. I THINK I'D RATHER DIE. BUT THANK YOU. YEAH.
OH, HI.
HEY. JENNIFER KICKED US OUT.
BOTH OF US.
OH. MIKEY.
GOD. I'M SO SORRY.
SHE'LL COME AROUND.
I TOLD HIM IT'S THE HOLIDAYS.
PEOPLE ARE UNDER A LOT OF STRESS ON THE HOLIDAYS.
I LOVE THIS GUY. I DO. I LOVE HIM.
I LOVE HIM. WE'VE BEEN TALKING.
WE'VE BEEN HERE A WHILE.
AH.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
YOU ALL RIGHT? YEAH.
LET'S GO. COME ON, THERESA.
I HOPE IT'S OK THAT I STOPPED BY.
OH. YES. OF COURSE IT IS.
I'M SO GLAD YOU DID. GOOD.
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, WE WERE TALKING ON THE PHONE,
AND EVERYTHING WAS GOING REALLY WELL,
AND THEN SOME STRANGE WOMAN SAID "EMERGENCY"
AND HUNG UP, AND I DON'T KNOW.
I CALLED AND NO ONE ANSWERED.
SO I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED.
I THINK IT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU, JAKE.
SO IT'S JUST A FALSE ALARM?
YES, DEFINITELY A FALSE ALARM.
GOOD. NO. MY FATHER'S FRIEND,
SHE, UH,
SHE GOT INTO A LITTLE BIT OF TROUBLE
AND I HAD TO HELP HER OUT.
AND SO I WENT OVER THERE FOR A WHILE.
AND AFTER THAT, I JUST DROVE AROUND A WHILE.
ALONE. I WAS ALONE. AND--
YEAH. ALONE BY YOURSELF. SURE.
YEAH.
WELL, ANYWAY, THE REASON I STOPPED BY
WAS I WANTED TO INVITE YOU OUT ON MY BOAT THIS WEEKEND.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
YES, IT IS. NO, BECAUSE I--
BOATS ARE STILL ON THE WATER, RIGHT?
I HOPE SO. OTHERWISE I WASTED A LOT OF TIME DESIGNING THE HULL.
YEAH, ACTUALLY, THEY'RE AQUATIC.
WELL, I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO ROW.
I'LL TEACH YOU.
I'D LOVE TO TEACH YOU HOW TO ROW.
OK. HOW?
A CHALLENGE.
WE'LL HAVE A LESSON RIGHT NOW, OK?
OK.
SO THE THING ABOUT ROWING IS JUST YOU GOTTA RELAX,
FIRST OF ALL.
AND THEN IT'S ALL ABOUT RHYTHM, BALANCE.
RHYTHM AND BALANCE. AND TIMING, SEE?
WATCH THOSE OARS. PAL. OK.
AND RHYTHM AND TIMING. SEE?
BALANCE AND RHYTHM.
SEE. IT'S NOT THAT BAD. IS IT?
NO. I LIKE ROWING.
THEN YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU GET,
YOU KNOW, YOUR HAIR OUT OF THE WAY.
Michael: WHOA, WHOA!
THAT'S GOTTA HURT.
MICHAEL? YOU OK, PAL?
OH, MIKEY!
OH. NO. DON'T STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
I WAS ON MY WAY OUT. EASY THERE, TEX.
WHOA, WHOA, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?
OH. I JUST SPOKE TO JENNIFER.
EVERYTHING'S GREAT. I GOT THE COUCH,
BUT THE DOG'S GOTTA STAY HERE.
I THINK YOU SHOULD STAY HERE, TOO.
YOU SHOULDN'T BE DRIVING.
I'LL DRIVE HIM HOME. OK?
YEAH.
OH. I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA, YOU KNOW, ROW THE BOAT.
OH, WE WILL.
JUST STAY EXACTLY HERE
AND STAY EXACTLY YOU
AND I'LL BE BACK IN ABOUT 15 TO 20 SECONDS
DEPENDING ON TRAFFIC, ALL RIGHT?
JUST HOLD THAT THOUGHT. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
OF COURSE YOU REALIZE WHEN JAKE GETS HERE,
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO EXCUSE YOURSELF.
[DOORBELL RINGS] [BARKING]
BOB!
BOBBY. NO. BOB.
YOU DROPPED THESE ON MY DRIVEWAY.
OH. THANK YOU.
I'M REALLY SORRY. I'M SURE THAT SEEMED PRETTY AWKWARD. HUH?
NO. NO. ROUTINE. REALLY.
THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON THERE WITH ME AND JUNE.
SHE AND AUSTIN WERE LATE COMING BACK FROM THE MUSEUM,
AND I MADE HER STAY FOR DINNER.
WELL, THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THESE--
AHEM.
YOU'RE BACK.
YEAH. HE. HE PASSED OUT.
HE COULDN'T TELL ME WHERE HE LIVED.
OH!
321 SOMETHING.
YEAH. THAT WAS ALL I GOT.
I'M BOB. BY THE WAY.
OH. MY MANNERS HAVE COMPLETELY LEFT ME. I'M SO SORRY.
JAKE ANDERSON.
HOW YOU DOING?
MY BROTHER MICHAEL.
OH. SORRY. HERE YOU GO.
PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
THIS IS BOB CONNOR. PARENT AT THE SCHOOL.
WE WERE JUST, UM,
WHAT WERE WE?
SARAH LEFT SOME STUFF AT MY PLACE TONIGHT.
THOUGHT IT'D BE BETTER TO GET IT BACK RIGHT AWAY.
I'LL GET OUT OF THE WAY.
TALK TO YOU TOMORROW, SARAH?
OH!
OK? OK.
NICE TO MEET YOU GUYS.
PLEASURE.
[DOOR CLOSES]
HEY, I BETTER GET GOING.
WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT HIM?
MAYBE I'LL PUT HIM HERE. NO. YOU DON'T--
WE'RE SITTING DOWN NOW, BUDDY.
OH. OK.
YEAH, I...
I BETTER GET GOING.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO. YOU COULD STAY. SIT.
NO. NO. NO. REALLY. I SHOULD GO.
JAKE!
JAKE, PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO. I WANT TO.
I DON'T HAVE ANY CLAIM ON YOU, SARAH.
WE'VE SEEN EACH OTHER WHAT, 3, 4 TIMES NOW? I REALIZE THAT.
YOU WON'T LET ME EXPLAIN?
LET ME DO IT FOR YOU. YOU WERE LYING TO ME
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT TO HURT MY FEELINGS. I GET IT.
IF DOGS ARE TO PROVE THEIR WORTH AS RESCUERS,
THEY MUST OVERCOME THEIR FEARS.
AGAIN, MASS GOES FIRST.
SHE'S ACCUSTOMED TO THE DEAFENING NOISE
AND TURBULENT WINDS OF THE HELICOPTER.
SHE'S MADE THESE JUMPS DOZENS OF TIMES BEFORE.
BUT THE BIG QUESTION IS, HOW WILL THE ROOKIES PERFORM?
YOU COULD DO THIS. YOU COULD.
THEY HESITATE AT THE OPEN DOOR.
HEY. I'M GONNA HEAD OUT.
YOU FORGOT TO TAKE YOUR HEADDRESS OFF.
NO. I DIDN'T. ANY SPECIAL PLANS FOR THE HOLIDAY?
DAD'S HOUSE. A THOUSAND RELATIVES. HOW ABOUT YOU?
ERIC'S PARENTS ARE BACK IN TOWN
OK, NOW THEY'RE STARTING TO PISS ME OFF.
OH, HONEY, IF YOU NEED TO CRY, CALL ME.
GOT YOU ON SPEED DIAL.
ARE WE OK?
SURE. WHY WOULDN'T WE BE?
I HAD NO IDEA YOU AND BOBBY WERE...
OH, WE'RE NOTHING, JUNE. ME AND BOBBY.
WELL, WE'RE NOT EITHER. ME AND HIM.
BUT HE IS ONE HOT DAD, THOUGH.
I SO DON'T BLAME YOU FOR BEING INTERESTED.
"INTERESTED" MAY BE PUSHING IT.
WELL, I'M NOT IN THAT PICTURE.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I LOVE THANKSGIVING. I'M SO GLAD I'M NOT COOKING.
WATCH YOUR BACK.
[CHUCKLES]
NOW, BEFORE WE TACKLE THIS SUCCULENT-LOOKING BIRD,
WE HAVE SOME HONORED GUESTS WITH US TODAY.
MARLENE SWIFT. DOROTHY MURPHY.
AND DOLLY McCANN.
HELLO. DOLLY.
[LAUGHTER]
ALL THREE AT THE SAME TABLE.
THE MAN HAS BALLS OF STEEL.
WE'RE VERY PROUD.
* DO YOU WANT TO TOUCH? * * YEAH *
* DO YOU WANT TO TOUCH? *
THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA, CHARLIE.
IT'S THE PERFECT PLACE TO SPEND THANKSGIVING.
I'M JUST SORRY MY PARENTS AREN'T HERE.
NEXT YEAR.
YOU'RE NOT AFRAID THAT'D BE TOO SENTIMENTAL?
NO. IT'S OLD FAMILY TRADITION.
THEY HAVE A GREAT SUNDAY BRUNCH HERE, TOO.
DID I TELL YOU SHE WAS A TEACHER?
PRESCHOOL. WORKS WITH KIDS.
TINY. TINY LITTLE KIDS. YOU WANT KIDS, CHARLIE?
OH, YEAH. I LOVE KIDS. LOVE KIDS.
I WANT THAT WHITE PICKET FENCE, THE WHOLE DEAL.
SHE MIGHT'VE BEEN THE ONE. SHE WAS GOOD.
SHE WAS INTERESTING. I HAD A GLIMPSE.
I CAUGHT A GLIMPSE, SOMETHING.
YOU GOTTA STOP OBSESSING ABOUT THE DOG-PARK GIRL, JAKE.
I KNOW. MOVE ON.
I WILL.
THIS TIME YOU GOT WRITTEN OUT OF ACT ONE.
WOMEN ARE DEVIOUS.
SELF-SERVING. SHALLOW.
NOT YOU, DEAR.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
OK. IF CASEY DONOVAN'S NO GOOD...
IF? WHAT DO YOU MEAN IF?
HIS MOTHER AND MY MOTHER WERE SISTERS.
"RON DETMER"?
HE'S MY OPTOMETRIST.
HE'S EXPECTING YOUR CALL.
HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP?
SARAH, GREAT NEWS.
I DIDN'T WANT TO GET YOUR HOPES UP,
BUT TWO GUYS FROM MY OFFICE JUST GOT DIVORCED.
SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR.
START WITH RICHIE FIRST.
IF THAT DOESN'T WORK OUT, GO WITH JERRY.
RICHIE FIRST. GOT IT.
YEAH, DEFINITELY GO WITH RICHIE.
WHOA.
BETTER WATCH YOURSELF.
WITH THOSE GIRLS, CLEANING IS A CONTACT SPORT.
[LAUGHTER]
[EXHALES]
HE'S WORTH IT, YOU KNOW. YOUR DAD.
DESPITE ALL HIS SHENANIGANS.
BESIDES, I'M HAVING AS MUCH FUN AS HE IS.
WHY DON'T I BELIEVE YOU?
LOOK, YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE, THEY'RE IN A LOT OF PAIN.
YOU CUT THEM SOME SLACK.
I JUST THANK GOD HE DOESN'T HAVE A BIGGER TABLE.
HELLO.
UH-OH.
ONE RAISED EYEBROW. NEVER A GOOD SIGN.
HOW DO YOU REMEMBER ALL THEIR NAMES, DAD?
LET ALONE BIRTHDAYS AND RELIGIOUS AFFILIATIONS?
I HAVE IT ALL ON A DISK. THAT WAY--
OH, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
YOU'RE IN DIFFERENT LEAGUES, DAD, YOU AND DOLLY.
I THINK SHE'S REALLY STARTING TO FALL FOR YOU.
WELL. I'M SORRY IF--
NO. YOU'RE NOT, BECAUSE BEING A MAN TODAY
MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY.
I REALLY RESENT HOW EASY THIS ALL IS FOR YOU.
YOU'VE GOT WOMEN COMING AND GOING, COOKING AND CLEANING.
THEY'RE PROBABLY OUT BACK RIGHT NOW
TUNING UP YOUR CAR FOR ALL I KNOW.
ALL THAT MATTERS TO YOU GUYS IS THAT THE TUSHIES ARE TIGHT
AND THE BELLIES ARE FLAT.
MEANWHILE, THERE ARE CARING, INTERESTING, COMPASSIONATE WOMEN
OF A CERTAIN AGE SITTING HOME ALONE
READING JANE AUSTEN AND EATING TUBS OF ICE CREAM, GETTING FAT,
WHICH MAKES THEM EVEN LESS LIKELY TO FIND--
ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT ME? BECAUSE I CAN'T TELL ANYMORE.
NO, I'M SORRY, DAD. I CAN'T EITHER.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE DOLLY GET HURT.
I DON'T EITHER.
BUT IT'S DIFFERENT FOR ME.
I'VE HAD THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.
AND NO ONE ELSE COULD EVER TOUCH THAT.
NO ONE CAN COME CLOSE.
SO I'M JUST OUT THERE PASSING THE TIME.
TAP-DANCING, IF YOU WANT THE TRUTH.
MAYBE IF I DANCE FAST ENOUGH,
I WON'T REMEMBER WHAT I'VE LOST.
YOU SEE?
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
HI. CAN I--
OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
IT'S YOU.
YES, YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE.
THE SINGLE- CHICKEN-BREAST LADY.
HEY! DO YOU WANNA AT LEAST HEAR THE SPECIALS?
AH! LOOK...
I'M SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM TO YOU, THAT'S ALL.
JUST THE CHICKEN BREAST.
IT'S ROUGH OUT THERE, HUH? YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT IT?
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT A BARTENDER.
HAVE YOU TRIED THE INTERNET? I MEAN, IT REALLY WORKS.
YOU KNOW, I MET MY WIFE ONLINE, AND SHE--
CHICKEN. NOW.
* DON'T IT FEEL GOOD *
* TO LET YOURSELF GO? *
* DON'T IT FEEL NICE *
* FROM YOUR HEAD TO YOUR TOES? *
* DON'T IT FEEL GOOD *
* TO SET YOURSELF FREE? *
* DON'T IT FEEL RIGHT *
* WHEN LOVE IS THE KEY? *
* DON'T IT FEEL GOOD, BABE? *
* AH, COME ON *
* YEAH *
* DON'T IT FEEL GOOD *
* TO LET YOURSELF GO? *
* DON'T IT FEEL NICE *
* FROM YOUR HEAD TO YOUR TOES? *
* DON'T IT FEEL GOOD... *
AND I'VE BEEN TO ITALY A LOT, TOO.
I JUST GOT BACK FROM ROME,
WHERE I TOOK THIS FABULOUS IN-DEPTH TOUR
CALLED "AS THE ROMANS DO."
THE GUIDE WAS INCREDIBLE.
I TOOK THAT TOUR.
BIG FAT GUY, RIGHT?
NOW BEFORE THAT, UH, SWITZERLAND,
WHERE I GOT CAUGHT IN A SNOW STORM.
I ALMOST DIED IN A BLIZZARD ONCE.
I LIVED UP IN THE ALPS FOR A YEAR.
THEY HAD TO CUT ME OUT OF THE SNOW WITH SCISSORS.
MY AUNT HAD A FARM.
IN THE MORNING, WE'D WARM OURSELVES
WITH THE COALS OF THE FIRE.
I LEARNED TO MAKE GOAT CHEESE.
IT WAS VERY HEIDI.
WELL. I JUST THINK IT'S WONDERFUL HOW MUCH
YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN, PETER.
REALLY.
IT'S NOT ALWAYS THE CASE. I'M A TEACHER. I KNOW.
WELL, IT'S JUST MY DAUGHTER.
SHE'S 14.
BUT SHE'S EVERYTHING TO ME.
* DON'T IT FEEL GOOD *
* TO LET YOURSELF GO? *
* DON'T IT FEEL NICE... *
WERE YOU SURPRISED THAT I CALLED?
LITTLE BIT.
BUT HAPPY.
WELL, I FIGURED WHAT THE HELL.
IT'S TIME TO TAKE CONTROL OF MY LIFE. NEW SARAH.
I LIKED THE OLD SARAH, YOU KNOW
NEW AND IMPROVED.
* I'M ONLY A WOMAN *
* OF FLESH AND BONE *
* AND I WEPT MUCH *
* WE ALL DO *
* I THOUGHT I MIGHT DIE ALONE *
* BUT I HAD *
* NEVER, NEVER, NEVER NEVER, NEVER *
* NEVER, NEVER MET YOU *
* SO BABY, BE GOOD TO ME *
GOOD MORNING.
HI. HI.
WHAT--WHAT TIME IS IT?
IT'S A LITTLE AFTER 9:00.
OH, DAMN.
DO YOU MIND IF WE TAKE THAT WITH US AND HIT THE ROAD?
I DON'T WANT TO RUN INTO TRAFFIC.
OH. IT'S SUNDAY.
YEAH, I GOT A GAME TODAY.
UH...
YOU GONNA EAT THAT?
NO. HERE.
THANK YOU.
YOU DID SLEEP WITH JUNE, DIDN'T YOU?
DOES IT MATTER? REALLY?
IT'S JUST THAT YOU TOLD ME NOTHING HAPPENED.
WELL, I KNEW WE WERE GONNA BE GREAT TOGETHER.
I DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO GET IN THE WAY OF THAT.
AND WE WERE.
YEAH.
THAT WAS FUN. THANKS A LOT. I'LL CALL YOU.
YOU MAD AT ME?
NO. I'M NOT MAD AT YOU.
GOOD. I WAS AFRAID SOMETHING HAD--
I'M MAD AT MYSELF FOR EVER HAVING TRUSTED YOU.
FOR NOT LISTENING TO THAT VOICE IN MY HEAD THAT SAID,
"HE IS A SHALLOW, SELF-CENTERED BASTARD."
WHICH IS WHAT YOU ARE, YOU STUPIDHEAD!
OK, MAYBE I HAVE BEEN TEACHING PRESCHOOL TOO LONG.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME.
YOU KNEW HOW VULNERABLE I WAS.
YOU KNEW THAT I WAS THE WEAK IMPALA OF THE HERD,
AND YOU JUST POUNCED ON THAT
WITH THAT WHOLE SENSITIVE DAD-OF-THE-YEAR ACT.
AND, "WE'RE ADOPTING A PUPPY."
AND THE FAKE PROFESSOR THING WITH THESE FAKE GLASSES.
THESE AREN'T EVEN REAL. ARE THEY?
OH.
SORRY.
I JUST HATE GUYS LIKE YOU. I HATE GUYS LIKE YOU!
[SLAMS DOOR]
[SHOWER RUNNING]
[SARAH CRYING]
BUT THIS IS A GOOD LOOK FOR YOU, SARAH.
YOU'VE GONE BEYOND PAJAMAS AND ARE NOW WEARING THE BED.
OH. GOD. I JUST WENT AFTER THE WRONG GUY AGAIN,
LIKE ALWAYS.
I SLEPT WITH A MAN WHO'S NOT MY HUSBAND.
I'M PROMISCUOUS.
WE SHOULD REDO YOUR PROFILE AND PUT THAT IN IT.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, GOD. I'M A COMPLETE AND TOTAL LOVE FAILURE.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, NO.
STOP IT. IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY.
STOP LAUGHING.
WHAT ABOUT THAT CUTE GUY I MET? CONDOM MAN.
OH, YES, THAT'S HOW HE LIKES TO BE KNOWN.
CONDOM MAN?
SOUNDS LIKE A SUPERHERO.
I CAN'T.
HE HATES ME.
AND I DON'T BLAME HIM.
NO. I HAD MY CHANCE WITH HIM, AND I BLEW IT.
LET'S GO WATCH "BEACHES."
OH, MY GOD.
[LAUGHTER]
WHEN THEY REMAKE THIS THING,
THEY GOTTA ADD A HAPPY ENDING AND A LITTLE NUDITY.
THEY WON'T REMAKE IT.
NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH THIS KIND OF YEARNING NOWADAYS.
IT'S TOO PAINFUL.
MODERN MAN CAN'T TAKE IT.
THIS HAS GOTTA END, JAKE.
THERE'S A WORLD BEYOND ZHIVAGO-LAND.
YOU GOTTA FORGET ABOUT THE DOG-PARK GIRL AND LIVE AGAIN.
YOU THINK YOUR FRIEND STANLEY STILL WANTS TO BUY MY BOAT?
LET HIM CHOP IT UP. STICK IT ON HIS WALL.
CALL HIM.
SERIOUSLY?
TELL HIM TO COME BY THE BOAT BASIN THIS WEEKEND.
I'LL ROW IT DOWN MYSELF.
AND CALL SOME OF THOSE INSANE, PANSEXUAL GIRLS YOU'RE SO FOND OF.
I WANT A DATE EVERY DAY UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?
WAITING FOR YOU.
OH!
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. YOU KNOW THAT. DON'T YOU?
I DO. BUT IT'S STILL NICE TO HEAR.
HELLO, HELLO.
HI.
LOOK AT YOU. CUTE JAMMIES.
ALREADY IN THEM. A LITTLE EARLY FOR THAT.
COME ON. HAVE A SEAT.
ERIC. COME ON.
ALL RIGHT. NOW,
ERIC AND I ARE HERE TO CHEER YOU UP,
AND WE HAVE MANY OPTIONS.
I'M READY.
FIRST THERE'S LINE DANCING AT THE GROVE.
VERY SOUTHWEST, MID-EIGHTIES.
TOO GAY.
OR WE CAN USE THESE TEACHER GIFT CERTIFICATES
FOR MIDNIGHT MANICURES.
PERFECT. CAN WE DO THAT?
THAT'S NOT TOO GAY?
NO.
HE KEEPS THE MYSTERY ALIVE, DOESN'T HE?
[LAUGHS]
WHAT COLOR?
WHITE. CAUCASIAN.
WHAT COLOR NAIL? AFTER WAX.
UM...
I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YOUR NAIL. NOT MINE.
THE LIGHT PINK ONE. YEAH.
NOT MUCH LOVE LIFE. HUH?
NOT GETTING YOUNGER.
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
WHAT IS THAT? WHY DO I ALWAYS GET THE SURLY MANICURIST?
I DON'T KNOW. DOES A GOOD JOB. RIGHT?
OH, MY GOD. [GASPS]
OH, MY GOD.
WHOO! I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
JAKE!
SARAH.
JAKE! HI.
HI.
THIS IS SO WEIRD,
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU SO MUCH.
NICE TO SEE YOU. OH, YOU'RE ALL--
YOU LOOK LIKE--
I KEEP THINKING ABOUT YOU.
WHAT DO THEY CALL THOSE?
POT STICKER. WITH THE--POTHOLDERS.
HI. I'M READY, JAKE. SORRY I TOOK SO LONG.
HI, I'M SHERRY.
HI.
THIS IS SARAH.
WE JUST SAW "DOCTOR ZHIVAGO" AT THE GRAND.
YEAH.
OH, "DOCTOR ZHIVAGO"!
IT'S JAKE'S FAVORITE MOVIE.
I DIDN'T GET IT.
OH. I'VE SEEN IT LIKE 20 TIMES.
REALLY? REALLY?
YEAH.
WHY? IT'S SO DEPRESSING.
EVERYBODY'S FREEZING THEIR ASSES OFF.
THEY'RE COMMUNISTS, RIGHT?
YEAH.
I GUESS I KEEP HOPING THAT ONE TIME,
LARA AND YURI WILL GET TOGETHER AGAIN.
IN THE SPRINGTIME, PREFERABLY.
AND WEAR SHORTS.
HMM.
OK, BUT THEY CAN'T, BECAUSE IT'S JUST A MOVIE.
IT'S A BOOK, TOO.
YEAH. THAT'S CRUEL.
YEAH.
ANYWAY.
OH.
OH, THANKS FOR BRINGING THAT UP.
OH!
OK. I HAVE TO GO GET DE-WAXED.
SARAH, IT WAS REALLY NICE SEEING YOU AGAIN.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
NOT AGAIN.
YES. THANK YOU...
YEAH. BYE.
DO YOU WANT TO BE RUSSIANS TONIGHT?
LET'S GO.
WELL, SHERRY, I THINK I'M GONNA SAY GOOD NIGHT.
YOU'RE NOT COMING IN?
NO. I'M KIND OF TIRED. I'M GONNA GO HOME.
AREN'T WE GONNA DO THE RUSSIAN THING?
NYET.
THAT'S RUSSIAN FOR "NO."
OH...
WAS IT SOMETHING THAT I DID--?
NO. NO. NO. I'M JUST REALLY TIRED.
TIRED. YEAH. IT WAS A LONG MOVIE.
REALLY LONG.
HA HA! [SNORING]
BYE.
IT SEEMED LIKE IT WAS GONNA BE SO PERFECT.
YOU CHASE HIM DOWN THE STREET. HE TURNS, HE SEES YOU
HE TAKES YOU IN HIS ARMS. FIREWORKS EXPLODE.
IT'S HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
YOU'RE LEAVING OUT THE PART WHERE HE WAS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.
I SAY YOU CALL HIM.
OR BETTER YET, GO OVER THERE.
BREAK INTO HIS HOUSE, THROW YOURSELF AT HIM.
MAKE A COMPLETE FOOL OF YOURSELF. IT WORKED FOR ME.
IT WAS VERY EFFECTIVE.
NO. HE'S WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
I HAVE TO FACE IT. IT'S JUST NOT GONNA WORK OUT WITH US.
AND YOU'D REALLY LIKE IT TO, WOULDN'T YOU?
MM-HMM.
I CAN'T TAKE THIS. THIS IS BREAKING MY HEART.
MINE, TOO.
BUT LET'S LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.
YOUR NAILS LOOK FABULOUS. THEY DO.
THEY LOOK SO GOOD. LET ME SEE THOSE.
LOOK AT THESE HANDS.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
TURN AROUND. THIS IS YOUR FAVORITE PART.
SHE'S WEARING THAT HAT YOU LIKE.
THAT'S MY SIDE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MOTHER THERESA.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
YOU LIKE HER?
OH, SHE'S A HANDSOME BOAT.
YEAH.
REMINDS ONE OF THE LONG BOATS
THEY WOULD RUN OUT OF THE SWEET HARBOR AT BANTRY BAY.
ACTUALLY, I, UH...
DESIGNED THIS ONE BASED ON A PORTUGUESE BOAT,
BUT HISTORICALLY, YOU'RE CORRECT, YEAH.
YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU BUILT THIS BOAT YOURSELF?
YES, SIR. YOU BUILD BOATS?
NO, NO. TRUTH BE TOLD,
I DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT THEM.
BUT I DO APPRECIATE A WORK OF ART.
OH, WELL, THANK YOU, SIR.
I'M ABOUT TO SELL THIS WORK OF ART
TO A GUY WHO'S GOING TO CUT IT IN HALF AND STICK IT ON HIS WALL.
OH, NO! YEAH, YEAH,
I'M ABOUT TO TAKE HER OUT FOR A LAST PADDLE
BEFORE I MEET THE BUTCHER AT NOON.
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO A THING LIKE THAT?
IT'S A LONG STORY.
SOMETHING ABOUT THE VIOLATION OF EXPECTATIONS
AND A CRUSHING LOSS OF FAITH AND LOVE AND LIFE AND ART.
SO IT'S A GIRL. YES.
I'VE HAD A LITTLE GIRL TROUBLE MYSELF LATELY.
BUT BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST.
AM I RIGHT?
SHE WAS A UNIQUE CONSTELLATION OF ATTRIBUTES.
SHE WAS... MY HALLEY'S COMET.
BUT THE UNIVERSE IS DESIGNED TO BREAK YOUR HEART, YES?
A PHILOSOPHER AS WELL AS AN ARTIST.
YES, IT'S WE WHO SUFFER MOST.
YES, WITH THE POSSIBLE EXCEPTION BEING THE VICTIMS OF VIOLENT CRIME.
HA, WELL, IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
NO, NO, PLEASURE'S ALL MINE. JAKE.
BILL. YOU KNOW, I HAVE A DAUGHTER WHO--
NO, NO, NO. NEVER MIND.
NO, SORRY.
[KNOCKING]
[CHUCKLES]
WELL, THIS IS A SURPRISE.
OH, CAN'T A FATHER PAY A VISIT TO HIS DAUGHTER
ON A BEAUTIFUL SUNDAY MORNING?
CAROL CALLED YOU, DIDN'T SHE?
SHE'S AFRAID I'M GETTING INTO MY PAJAMAS AGAIN.
WELL, ACTUALLY, CAROL CALLED CHRISTINE,
CHRISTINE CALLED MICHAEL, AND MICHAEL CALLED ME.
ANY WORD FROM AUNT EILEEN?
SHE SAID TO TELL YOU THAT CASEY DONOVAN WAS ADOPTED.
IF THAT HELPS.
WELL, AT THIS POINT, HE'S STARTING TO LOOK AWFULLY GOOD.
HE'S OUT THERE, SARAH.
SOMEONE WHO WILL APPRECIATE ALL YOU HAVE TO OFFER.
AFTER ALL, YOU'RE THIS UNIQUE CONSTELLATION OF ATTRIBUTES.
YOU'RE HALLEY'S COMET. YOU'RE--
WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
WELL, IT'S A NICE TURN OF PHRASE,
BUT IT'S NOT MY OWN.
I HEARD IT FROM A YOUNG MAN I MET THIS MORNING.
BUILDS BEAUTIFUL IRISH BOATS.
AH, POOR LAD.
HAD HIS HEART BROKEN BY A WOMAN
HE DEEPLY CARED ABOUT.
DEEPLY.
JAKE!
HELLO THERE. HI.
HI. I'M LOOKING FOR JAKE, JAKE ANDERSON.
IS HE HERE?
UH, NO, HE ISN'T, BUT LUCKY FOR BOTH OF US, I AM.
OH, I REALLY DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE IS?
YOU'RE MUST LOVE DOGS, AREN'T YOU?
YOU'VE ALREADY CRUSHED THE POOR GUY.
HE'S BEEN MOPING AROUND HERE FOR WEEKS.
HE'S EVEN GIVING UP THE WHOLE WOODEN BOAT THING.
REALLY, I THINK YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH.
NO, NO, NO, THAT'S ALL WRONG.
THAT'S WHY I HAVE TO TALK TO HIM.
PLEASE TELL ME, WHERE IS HE?
I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT. I SAID, WHERE IS HE?
I'M NOT TELLING YOU. [BARKS]
[GROWLING]
YOU KNOW THE BRIDGE BY THE BOAT RAMP?
JAKE?
JAKE!
[BARKS]
EXCUSE ME, I'D LIKE TO RENT A BOAT, PLEASE.
I'M SORRY, WE'RE ALL OUT OF BOATS.
[INDISTINCT TALKING]
Woman: ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
[INDISTINCT VOICES]
COME ON, GIRL, YOU CAN DO THIS.
THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME.
COME ON.
I THINK HE COULD BE THE ONE.
[BARKS]
All: PUSH!
PUSH!
PUSH, PUSH!
PUSH!
I CAN'T!
JAKE!
STOP THE BOAT!
NEVER MIND!
AH!
OK, GIRL, HERE WE GO.
JAKE!
[BARKING]
HERE SHE GOES!
[WHIMPERING]
JAKE!
Jake: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO. ALL THE WAY UP.
ALMOST.
[MOTHER THERESA WHIMPERING]
COME ON, GIRL! GOOD GIRL, YOU CAN DO IT!
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
ALL RIGHT, WATCH THE BOAT THERE.
ALL RIGHT, UP.
COLD.
COLD, VERY COLD.
HERE WE GO.
AH, THANK YOU.
WAS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANTED TO SAY TO ME?
YES.
YOU COULD HAVE JUST CALLED.
PERHAPS THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE WISER COURSE, YES.
SO WHAT'S UP?
I OWE YOU MY STORY.
YOU ASKED ME FOR HONESTY,
AND IT SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME,
AND I HELD BACK, AND...
I JUST--I DIDN'T WANT TO LET YOU SEE THE REAL ME,
BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF GETTING HURT AGAIN.
BUT, LISTEN, I HEAR THAT THE UNIVERSE
LETS YOUR HEART EXPAND AND GROW BACK EVEN BIGGER
AFTER YOU GO THROUGH ALL THAT PAIN.
WELL, I BELIEVE THAT NOW.
AND I WAS JUST WISHING THERE WAS A WAY
THAT I COULD HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE TO MAKE THIS WORK.
I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
HI, HOW CAN I--
UH-OH. DON'T WORRY, I GOT IT.
A SINGLE CHICKEN BREAST, NO DATING ADVICE. COMING RIGHT UP.
ACTUALLY, I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE 3 COLD FRYERS, PLEASE.
AND 6 PORK CHOPS, AND, UM,
LAMB SHANK.
AND DO YOU HAVE ANY DOG BONES BACK THERE?
IF YOU, THROW THEM IN THE CART.
WHAT ARE THE SPECIALS TODAY?
YES!
[INAUDIBLE]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY HERE TODAY?
* SHE AIN'T LONELY NOW *
HEY!
DOWN!
* SEE HER SHUFFLE ACROSS THE FLOOR *
* YES, SHE'S HAPPIER NOW *
* SEE HER SMILE AND SAY COME ON *
* LET'S DANCE ALL NIGHT *
* YEAH, I THINK SHE'LL BE ALL RIGHT *
[SONG CONTINUES]
HOW DID WE MEET?
OH. OH, THAT'S A GREAT STORY.
GREAT STORY. TELL IT, TELL IT, HON.
WELL, ACTUALLY,
IT'S-IT'S-IT'S A VERY ROMANTIC STORY.
YOU-YOU TELL IT, CAROL.
NO, GO AHEAD.
NO, NO, REALLY, YOU SHOULD.
SHE TELLS THE STORY GREAT.
YOU DON'T REMEMBER, DO YOU?
[LAUGHS]
DON'T REMEMBER? HOW WE MET?
* DANCE ALL NIGHT *
* DANCE ALL NIGHT... *
I DON'T REMEMBER...
BUT I LOVE HER.
I LOVE HER!
LOVE IS NOT RESERVED FOR THE YOUNG, YOU KNOW.
AS THE POET SAID, "GROW OLD ALONG WITH ME;
THE BEST IS YET TO BE."
YEATS?
NO. TENNYSON?
NO.
BROWNING.
WHO KNOWS HER DADDY?
OH, MY GOSH, I DID NOT THINK
I WAS READY TO SETTLE DOWN,
BUT...LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS ROCK!
AND, OH, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT ELSE?
I'M GOING TO GET, UM, A CUTE LITTLE TATTOO
IN SOME PLACE THAT'S N-O-N OF YOUR BUSINESS,
AND, UM, WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT'S GOING TO SAY?
"MRS. CASEY DONOVAN."
[GIGGLES]
THE BEST PLACE TO MEET SOMEONE
IS PARSEGHIAN'S ARMENIAN RESTAURANT IN KOREATOWN.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE YOUNG, YOU'RE OLD,
YOU'RE SINGLE, YOU'RE DIVORCED...
[SPEAKING ARMENIAN]
I'M GETTING THERE.
7100 FIRST STREET.
WEDNESDAY: MOTHER-IN-LAW NIGHT.
ALL SHE CAN EAT.
IN A DOG PARK. DOG PARK.
YEAH. IT'S TRUE.
I KNOW.
I WAS VERY... I WAS NERVOUS.
WE HAD NO IDEA AT THE TIME
THAT WE COULD EVER WIND UP...
OH, THAT'S NOT TRUE. I DID.
YOU DID NOT.
I DID, TOO. I DID, TOO.
I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT THIS. UM...
HE HAS LOTS OF THEORIES.
I DO. THIS IS ACTUALLY A GOOD ONE.
I TOOK SOME NOTES. UM...
OH, GOD, YOU'RE SO PREPARED FOR THIS.
YOU GROW UP. YOU'RE AN ADULT, RIGHT?
AND YOU THINK YOU HAVE
ALL THIS WORLDLY EXPERIENCE, RIGHT?
POINT "A."
YOU THINK YOUR PERSONALITY IS FORMED,
AND THEN YOU THINK YOU'RE COMPLETE,
BUT THEN YOU MEET SOMEBODY.
YOU START FEELING NEW THINGS,
AND YOU START FEELING
EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL THINGS.
YOU GET CONFUSED, RIGHT?
UM, YOU GET NAUSEOUS,
UM, AND I THINK WHEN YOU GET
REALLY NAUSEOUS LIKE THAT,
IT'S, LIKE, THE COMPLETION OF SELF.
UM, THE PERSON WHO CAN FILL THE FINAL VOID.
UH-OH.
THAT'S WHAT IT WAS LIKE WHEN I MET SARAH.
ANYWAY, THAT'S WHAT I...
I MADE YOU NAUSEOUS?
IN A GOOD WAY. I WAS LOVESICK.
[LAUGHING]
THAT WAS GOOD, HONEY.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
* THE TIME IS COMING *
* IT'S COMING SOON *
* I FEEL IT IN MY BONES *
* I--I FEEL IT IN MY SHOES *
* I WAS LOST, BUT NOW I'M FOUND *
* AND ALL MY TROUBLES, THEY'RE TURNING AROUND *
* SO I'M TEARING DOWN THE WALLS INSIDE *
* LETTING GO OF ALL MY PRIDE *
* MAKE IT HOME BEFORE THE LIGHT *
* I DON'T NEED TO HIDE INSIDE THIS SHELL *
* THIS SHELL *
* NO MORE... *