(♪ "Can't Smile Without You" by Barry Manilow)
♪ You know I can't smile without you
♪ I can't smile without you
♪ I can't laugh
♪ And I can't sing
♪ I'm findin' it hard
♪ To do anything
♪ You see, I feel sad when you're sad
♪ I feel glad when you're glad
♪ If you only knew
♪ What I'm goin' through
♪ I just can't smile
♪ Without you
♪ You came along, just like a song
♪ And brightened my day...
(woman) Don't stress. Just relax.
(man) I don't understand. You can lose keys, you can lose your wallet.
- How do you lose a plane? - Reese, what do you want me to do?
We got three out of four planes in. That's still a lot of coke.
See, that's the kind of winning attitude that'll take this enterprise to the top.
In all fairness, Reese, it wasn't his fault.
What are you? His attorney? Why are you in the conversation?
Come on. I'm kidding! I'm just kidding with you.
- He loves to joke. - Terrence here is absolutely right.
I mean, hell, three out of four ain't bad.
- Let's celebrate. Who wants a beer? - (woman) Great!
OK.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Oh, baby!
Coke - it costs money. Planes - they cost money.
This yacht, this perm, my kid's braces - it all costs money.
- D'you think Kitty's free? - What?!
Kitty, turn around. Turn around!
Reese, please put the gun down.
(Kitty screams)
Now, the next time that a plane goes down, you better be on it.
- Will you do my back, please? - Sure, baby.
I don't wanna tan weird. Am I tanning weird?
No, you look good. You're really bronzing.
(man) There's no such thing as a petty crime, no minor infractions.
There's only the law.
Freeze! Bay City PD!
That's me in the leatherjacket and tight jeans.
- Whoa! - See that guy I'm chasing?
I hate him, and I'm gonna do everything in my power to stop him,
cos it's my job to stop him.
(grunts)
Goddamn.
And the city pays me a damn good salary to do my job.
Besides, he crossed the line.
And in Bay City when you cross the line...
Agh!
...your nuts are mine.
I said freeze!
My name is David Starsky, and I'm a cop.
(man #2) I've always had this theory about police work.
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
No, no! No, no!
(woman screams)
(shouts)
Put the money in there!
Too many cops worry about the wrong thing: Crime.
Not me, though. I'm lookin' out for numero uno.
- Hey, old-timer, put this on Dallas. - (man) Let's go!
I'm just a realist, that's all.
And besides, do you have any idea how little the city pays us?
- (man) Freeze! Bay City PD! - Whoa! Whoa! Take it easy.
Guys, come on.
I'm undercover here.
Jeez.
My name is Ken Hutchinson, and I'm a cop.
(whispers) Where'd they come from?
Jesus Christ, Starsky. You fired three rounds into a crowded intersection.
We got an old man with a broken hip,
and some asshole wants me to buy a new top for his Caddy.
That purse had $7 in it.
- OK, want my badge? Here, take it. - Fine.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on. I was just making a point.
David, David.
Your mother was one of the finest cops Bay City ever seen.
22 years on the force with the same partner.
You have had 12 partners over the past four years.
She died a legend.
I am not my mother!
I'm sorry. Uh, Detective Hutchinson is here.
Send him in. Have a seat.
How you doin', Captain?
- I believe you two know each other. - Yeah, little bit.
- How you doin'? - All right.
- Hutch, you've got a lot of explaining to do. - I know. I understand.
I was trying to infiltrate one of the East Side gangs
and work my way up to the big fish. It's pretty simple.
- You were robbing a bookie. - That's right.
You've robbed seven over the past six months.
You haven't filed a report, turned in any money.
- You haven't even arrested anybody. - How can I? They'll know I'm a cop.
I don't think you're in any danger of being mistaken for a real cop.
Oh, really? Why don't you do me a favour and go get yourself another perm
and let the grownups talk.
For your information, my hair is naturally curly.
- No, it's not. - Yes, it is.
- That's a perm job all the way. - Touch it.
Hey! Why are you touching him?
Jesus!
You know something?
You two deserve each other.
Make nice. You're partners.
- (Reese) You're crazy. - (man) No, I'm not.
(Reese) I don't know what you're so upset about.
The guy cost us 200 grand. A thank-you might be more appropriate...
Who cares about 200 grand? What if they link us to the murder?
- They will not link us to the murder. - You don't know that.
Will you let it go, please? Jesus. Take a lude or something. Calm down.
- I did, and I'm still pissed. - OK, fine, fine. Look, I'm sorry, all right?
I promise, I'm not gonna kill Terrence again. Now, pull it together.
Let's go.
Gentlemen, I apologise about the delay,
but I promise you what we have is worth the wait.
It looks like cocaine.
- That's because it is cocaine. - With a twist.
You see, we've managed to find a way to alter the cell structure of the coca plant,
giving it properties that heighten the perfluoralkylation process,
creating a new kind of diazomethane.
Gets a little complicated after that. Excuse me.
So do you get extra high or what?
(laughter)
Actually, it has all the same effects as regular cocaine.
Well, if it's the same, why are we here?
Canis familiaris. The German shepherd.
Its nose has over 220 million scent receptors.
It can detect smells even the most advanced technology in the world cannot.
For example...
Ivan, search!
(growls)
Ivan, stop!
(whimpers)
What do you got? You holdin'?
Huh?
He brought old coke.
This is new coke.
As far as a dog's concerned, there's nothing there. 100% undetectable cocaine.
Got no coke smell. Same coke ride.
Mmm. Tastes kinda sweet.
If this shit wasn't illegal, guys, we'd be up for the Nobel prize.
Our initial run pumped out about two tons of this stuff.
It'll be available for your purchase in about three weeks.
You boys know who to call.
Ivan!
(man) You don't understand.
They're not like you. They're criminals.
Look, I know we all got to make living,
but these guys, they are dealing hard drugs right in front of my shop.
I can dig what you're saying, Mr Chowdury.
First, I wanna thank you for coming in today.
Of course.
Those gentlemen you speak of, they'll no longer be a problem.
You have my word.
This is my neighbourhood, and people tend to forget that.
- BeeBee, make sure he gets home safely. - Yeah, boss.
Thank you very much, Huggy.
- You are a great man. - Be gone, little Indian.
Let's go, little man. Come on. Taking up time.
OK.
This neighbourhood is in desperate need of some help.
It's cold-blooded, Daddy.
- Who's next? - You got Hutch waitin' outside.
What you got my man waitin' outside for?
He brought some extra fuzz with him.
So what? You go get him and get him in here now.
What, you've never run an errand on the clock before?
No, I take care of business after work when taxpayers aren't paying me to protect them.
Give me a break. You've never stopped and bought yourself a cup of coffee?
I bring a thermos.
OK, Hutch, he'll see you now.
Wait here. I'll be back in five minutes.
(♪ "Dazz" by Brick)
Second door on the right.
- How you doin'? - Hi, Hutch.
- Hey, look what the wind blew in. - Huggy Bear.
Hey, I want you to meet my new partner, David Starsky.
Hey, how you doin'?
Hey, nobody touches the Bear.
Have a seat.
- Hutch, you'll have the usual? - You know it. Make it a double.
Leon, get my boy a Jack and Tab, and double that.
You got it, boss.
I'll get a seltzer with a little lime, if you got it.
I don't got it.
Or not. It's cool. I'm good.
Listen, I just came by to apologise for what happened in Chinatown.
- I was as surprised as you were. - Don't sweat it, baby. I wasn't surprised.
You know I ain't never surprised.
Hey, champ.
You got a permit for that weapon you're carrying?
- Starsky, please. - Huh?
Uh, no, I don't.
Yeah, me neither.
(laughter)
I'm sorry, did I say something that was funny?
(laughter)
- Stop it. He's kidding. - No, I'm not kidding.
I want to see permits, or I'm confiscating those weapons.
Hey, hey, hey. Slow up, man. Round here, we govern ourselves.
Think of us like, um, Luxembourg.
- You dig? - No, I don't dig.
You see, Luxembourg's a constitutional monarchy,
an independent sovereign state established after the Treaty of Vienna.
Technically, it's a part of Europe, but in reality they govern themselves,
- like us. - Just like us.
(Hutch) All right, enough, OK?
Whoa! Whoa! Hold up! Hold up! Just chill out!
Chill! What just happened? Jesus!
- What happened? Did he shoot Corky? - Your boy shot his tail off.
- Corky lost his tail? - You should keep it in a terrarium.
- Man, what the hell is a terrarium? - What the fuck is a terrarium?
It's an artificial ecosystem. It's designed to simulate Corky's natural habitat.
Well, I can dig that, but I say we shoot him in the ass.
Oh, hell, yeah. An eye for an eye.
Take it easy. Huggy, help me out here.
Slow up, fellas. An iguana can lose his tail and grow it back.
He regenerates. That's how he escapes his predator.
Yeah, it's true. It's a defence mechanism. I read it in a magazine.
So him shooting Corky's tail off and us shooting him in the ass,
it really ain't the same thing.
Nah, the punishment don't fit the crime.
And besides, it was an accident, right?
Right.
So we're cool?
We're always cool, breeze. Lower your pieces.
(radio) Good mornin', Bay City. You are tuned into KBAY. 93.3 on your dial.
This next tune is number eight on the charts and number one in our hearts.
(Chicago) ♪ Old days
(girl) Hey.
Oh!
(girls laugh)
♪ Drive-in movies
(groans)
♪ Baseball cards and birthdays take me back
♪ To the world gone away
♪ Oh, old days
- (alarm beeping) - ♪ Good times I remember
♪ Gold days
♪ Days I'll always treasure
♪ Funny faces...
Hey, Hutch!
Oh, there he is.
- What's goin' on, Willis? - Same old, same old.
So, how's life at the clink treatin' you?
(sighs) It's not that great.
I got some new tight-ass partner that they stuck me with,
and then, I don't know.
I mean, hopefully, it's probably not gonna last that long.
So, got that $20 you owe me?
20? Willis, I thought it was five.
Hutch, that was my grandmother's birthday money.
Come on, give me a break for a second, OK?
I just told you I got a new partner, stuff isn't great for me down at the precinct.
Back off for a second.
- Can I get it to you on Thursday? - Fine, but no later than Thursday.
No later than Thursday. Word of honour. Cute little kid.
Oh!
Whoo!
It's ten o'clock. You're late. I've been here since eight.
Eight o'clock? I didn't know this place opened at eight.
Don't sweat it cos you know what? Crime called in sick.
It's gonna get a late start, too.
"Crime called in sick." I like that.
So, what's on the agenda today?
Same as every day - findin' bad guys, bringin' 'em down.
Great. We'll take my car right there.
- That? - Yeah.
- What the hell is that? - It's a camper/pickup truck. What's wrong?
We're undercover. That thing sticks out like a sore thumb.
You think so?
You're in for a treat.
It's not that bad.
(tires screeching)
(honking)
Whoa!
Man, your stock just went up in my book, my friend.
Let me see what you got under...
Hey, hotshot, what do you think you're doing? This is a Ford Grand Torino, OK?
It's not some crappy camper/apartment.
- There are rules. - OK, OK.
You do not bang on the hood, you never, under any circumstances, drive,
and you will certainly not put your mug on the roof.
In fact, no coffee in the car whatsoever.
Coffee goes on the ground, you get in the car, we go.
(woman dispatcher) Attention, all units. We've got a 61-40 at Bay City Marina.
(Hutch) Oh, no.
This is Zebra-Three. We're on it. Hang on.
(tires screech)
(horn honks)
You gotta be kidding me. No way.
- What? - Floater.
Nothing harder to solve than a floater.
No prints. Bodies usually bloat. It's next to impossible.
All right, I say we push it out,
hope the current carries it down to the next precinct.
- You're gonna thank me for this one. - Hey, hey, seriously, stop it.
The key is not to pop it. Gotta be very ginger.
- What are you doing? - I said drop the stick.
Gonna point a gun at me? OK, fine, have it your way. Knock yourself out.
- What are you gonna solve, anyway? - I'm gonna solve a murder.
(clears throat) Monday, June 3rd.
Body of a male Caucasian, apparently dumped from the Bay Bridge.
There's no sign of impact, so he was probably just dropped out at sea.
Could you please not talk while I'm recording? Thank you.
(rewinds tape)
All right, you know what? I'm just gonna call in the meat wagon.
Looks like you punched your last ticket, amigo.
I'm sorry. Did you just tough-talk a dead body?
Lost my flow.
- Zebra-Three to base. - Dispatch. Go ahead, Zebra-Three.
I'm gonna need a coroner notification. We got a DB at the municipal jetty.
10-4. Will inform.
Tell 'em to bring a body bag and galoshes. He's a wet one.
Copy that, Starsky.
Found a wallet. Nothin' in it.
(Starsky) Medium rare, OK?
(Hutch) Look at all these cops. You want to eat here?
It's a great place. Pop's? Come on.
If you're one of the cops, eat at Pop's.
OK, hot stuff.
Zebra-Three, 211 in progress. Respond.
- Go for Starsky. - Hurry, Starsky.
We got two perps holding up a gumball machine on 5th Street.
- Let's go. - A gumball machine?
Use force if necessary.
Very funny, Manetti.
Hey, it's Captain and Tennille.
I guess that means one of you would actually have to make captain.
Radio is for police business only, Manetti.
That's true. Why'd they give you one?
- Let's get outta here. - Not that funny.
That Manetti really thinks he's something. But you know what? He's not.
Take it easy.
- You think that's funny? - No, no. You just gotta rise above it.
- What do we got in the wallet? - Not much.
Driver's license, couple receipts.
No cash whatsoever. (clears throat)
"Reese Feldman Corporation."
What do you call that?
Terrence Myers. You know, that name does sound vaguely familiar.
- Is he part of our Nearly There program? - Mm-hm. I think he is.
Terrence Myers. Baby, isn't he the guy dating that Bay City Kitty?
Remember? We were joking about it.
Really? Bay City Kitty? You mean the cheerleaders?
You happen to remember her name?
Uh, no, I don't. Can I get you boys anything else?
Actually, we're good. Thank you so much, though, honey.
That's my angel. I love her.
A second ago you mentioned the Nearly There Foundation.
What is that?
That's a program that we set up to help ex-cons get back on their feet.
Part of their parole is they have to have a job.
The Catch-22 is not that many people are that excited to hire a felon.
Those poor ex-cons. They really can't catch a break, can they?
No, it's a vicious cycle those guys get caught up in.
- D'you see the article in The New Times? - You bet your ass I did. I love that writer.
But I'd be lying to you if I didn't say that we get some pretty good tax breaks, too.
- There it is - the kicker. - Just a perk.
This sly dog here.
- Now what do you got? - Tickets to our annual fund-raiser.
- I'd love for you to be my guests. - Can't accept gratuities. It's against policy.
These don't look like gratuities. They look like two tickets. I'd be happy to accept 'em.
Hey, what about Terrence? Is he in some kind of trouble?
He's dead. His body washed up in the marina this morning.
- Oh, no. - Punched his last ticket, as they say.
You try to do all you can for these guys, but it's just never enough, is it?
No, I guess it isn't. When was the last time you saw him?
- The last place I saw... - Wow. This is a nice boat.
- Reese, is this yours? - Actually, that's a yacht.
- I'm sorry. A yacht. - Excuse me, Hutch?
- Can we focus on the investigation? - Sure.
- Thank you. - Could use another one of these.
(Jackson Five) ♪ Dancin', dancin', dancin'
♪ Automatic, systematic
♪ Full of colour, self-contained
♪ Tuned and gentle to your vibe
♪ She's movin', she's groovin'
♪ Dancin' until the music stops now
♪ Yeah
♪ Rhythmatic, acrobatic
♪ She's a dynamite attraction
♪ At the drop of a coin she comes alive...
(girls whoop)
Right on. That was great, girls! Take five!
- (softly) Let's go. - Look alive. Here they come.
We usually don't allow spectators, even cute ones.
David Starsky, Bay City PD. This is my partner, Ken Hutchinson.
- Girls. - (whispers) They're so cute.
I'm Stacey. That's Holly.
God, I love your moves out there. Fantastic.
I've never dated a cop before.
My horoscope said I should try new things today.
- Is that right? - (Stacey) You're awful!
So, what brings you around here... officers?
Well, you know, that depends.
Yeah. Either of you two know a Terrence Myers?
- Oh, yeah. Heather dated him. - Oh, yeah.
The girl over there with the yellow top, but they split up a while ago.
- We haven't seen him around. - Let's go ask Heather some questions.
Thank you. Oh, and be careful with those moves. You could hurt someone.
- That's why we practice. - Actually, I was talking about us.
(girls giggle)
Where'd that come from? A little charm.
- I would've tried the horoscope line. - No, too obvious.
Hey!
- Wait up. - See what I mean?
- Here's my number. - In case you need us for...
- ..questioning. - Thank you, ladies.
- Bye. - Bye.
He was always fascinated by all that macho mobster bullshit.
I hope this is OK. I need to make this quick.
- I gotta pick my kid up in 20 minutes. - Oh, yeah, totally.
We were gonna move in together,
and he promised he'd quit all that stuff after he got out,
but then he goes and gets himself killed. He was such an asshole.
I can only imagine what you must be going through.
I think that...
Honestly, you know, if I knew what he was up to,
I'd be happy to tell you, but we didn't talk much.
Yeah.
So, did you, um...
When did he...? Did he...?
So, Hutch, do you got any more questions?
Yeah. What... uh, sure.
We could... What's your sign?
Gemini.
What, uh...? What do you weigh?
And what does that have to do with anything?
It has everything to do with anything.
And just answer the question, please, ma'am.
Um... around 115, I guess.
Give or take a pound or two.
- I wish I could be more helpful. - Stop. Don't do that.
You've been great. I mean, it's terrific.
- We got what we, you know, needed. - Anything else?
- Hmm? - I'm good.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Oh, wait. I don't know if this'll be of any help, but it's his.
Take it. I don't want it.
OK. Thank you again.
(bell rings)
Things gettin' any better at work, Hutch?
Actually, work was pretty good today. How about you? Anything new?
Nope.
You get a chance to ask that girl out? Huh?
Willis, I want you to meet my new partner, David Starsky.
Hey, there, Willis. Nice to meet you.
Is this the dickweed you were telling me about?
Willis, just shake his hand, come on.
- Go on. Hop in. Willis... - "Dickweed", huh?
His mom works late on Wednesdays, so I look after him.
You take a kid out on patrol with you?
Uh, yeah, that's what we do, isn't it, Willis? Patrol.
(Willis) Whatever you say, Hutch.
- (Hutch laughing) - Whoa! Damn!
(♪ "Bumpin'" by Ground Hogs)
- (Willis) Man, this thing is bad. - Don't encourage him.
(turns off radio)
Oh!
Holy shit.
- Starsky, this your ride? - Uh-huh.
Damn. You just moved up a notch in my book.
That puts you at notch one.
- I like your Lincoln. - It's a '76. It won't be out till next year.
But I know some people that know some people that robbed some people.
So, what do you hear on the street these days, Huggy?
Dig this. A little bird tells me there's gonna be a big coke deal in Bay City.
One for the Guinness books, so they say.
Interesting. And who would this little bird be?
Look, man, I lay it out for y'all to play it out.
All right, what does that mean?
Don't worry about it. Huggy, what can you tell us about this?
This looks like the work of Big Earl.
This boy loves dragons. He makes these with his hands, you know?
There's his name stitched right up under the dragon's belly.
Big Earl.
Yeah, he sews, but he's one tough mother.
He owns a biker bar about 80 miles east of Route 4.
Biker bar, huh? What goes on down there?
I don't know. Listen to Jim Croce, play darts,
whatever the hell else you white people do.
Look, fuzz, I gots to buzz. This meetin' is adjourned.
That's it?
That's it. He lays it out for us to play it out.
Oh, and by the way, this little meetin', it never happened.
- What meeting? - C'est la vie, gentlemen.
(♪ "Bumpin'" by Ground Hoggs)
(Kitty) ..this great new technique where you press hard.
- (Reese) What, a verbal technique? - No.
Keep your hands on me. I'm teasing.
What do you got on those two cops?
I got everything. Their records, their home addresses, credit history.
Nice.
- "Starsky and Hutchinson"? - They call him "Hutch" actually.
It's like I don't have enough on my plate already?
I got a major coke deal, my daughter's bat mitzvah,
which is turning into a total nightmare, by the way.
- And now I got these two guys. - You think they're onto us?
They are investigating a murder. That's what cops do. That's why we pay taxes.
You're the worst.
Will you look at these two guys?
He's cute, the blond... but I like dark hair.
Maybe we oughta push this whole thing, huh, till things cool off?
Kevin, please, with the worry.
We're moving ahead as scheduled. I'll handle those two clowns.
(grunts)
So tomorrow, I say we check out this biker bar, do a little deep cover.
That sounds good.
Who does your wig work?
- I'm sorry, my what? - Your wig work.
Your undercover work, your disguises.
- You have a wig guy? - Oh, yeah. He's incredible.
Well, if it isn't Sonny and Cher.
- Sonny and Cher. - Sit on it, Manetti.
- Oh, me sit on it? - Yeah, you sit on it.
Oh, why don't you sit on it, Starsky? How's that sound?
You wish, cos I'm never sitting on it, ever.
- That's not what I heard. - Ooh!
Starsky!
- Come on. Come on! - Jesus!
Stop it!
- Come on, big guy. Just stop it. - What the hell is going on?!
Cool your jets, Starsky.
Everybody, back off! Including you, Manetti.
I apologise. You're absolutely right. You're not even worth it, Starsky.
And, for the record, those are hand towels.
The big towels are on the top shelf.
(laughter)
(man) Hand towels. What a rod.
Jesus Christ, he's right. Go cover up.
(♪ "The Weight" by The Band)
♪ I pulled into Nazareth
♪ Was feelin' 'bout half past dead
♪ I just need some place
♪ Where I can lay my head
♪ Hey, mister, can you tell me
♪ Where a man might find a bed?
♪ He just grinned and shook my hand
♪ "No" was all he said
♪ Take a load off, Fanny
♪ Take a load for free
♪ Take a load off, Fanny
♪ And, and, and
♪ You put the load right on me
("Folsom Prison Blues" by Johnny Cash overjukebox)
♪ Well, I knoW I had it comin'
♪ I knoW I can't be free
♪ But those people keep a-movin'
♪ And that's what tortures me
Who are you guys?
My name's Kansas and this is my little man, Toto.
We're Jesters from up in Big Cliff come down to check out your place.
- Is this it? Is this your place? - Yeah.
Nice.
Tell me, if you two are Jesters, what's our credo?
Credo? Uh...
Well...
You almost got me there. There's no credo.
Other than the secret credo.
It ain't no secret. It's written right on our damn crest.
So what is that, a trick question?
If it's on the crest, you don't have to give it as a test.
Anybody can read the crest. That wouldn't prove we're Jesters. Not cool.
- That's a fake moustache. - Oh, really?
Well, I wonder if you think this is fake.
- Now, we got some questions. - I don't gotta give you nothin', cop!
Wrong! First, you gotta give me a little respect.
Second, you're gonna give me some answers.
¿Comprende, muchacho?
Whoa! Hey!
- I like your style. - I like your moves.
Now, where were we?
You were gonna tell us about Terrence Myers.
- Who's Terrence Myers? - (Starsky chuckles)
- Wrong answer, Big Earl. - Big Earl? I'm not Big Earl.
- I'm Jeff. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Jeff? - No, no one's who they say they are.
Look. Honest. Think about it.
I'm not even big.
Yeah. No, that's... a good point.
Maybe it's one of those ironic names, like Tiny over in Vice.
- He's eight feet. Everybody says he's tiny. - Except this guy's normal size, so
he'd have to be a lot smaller with a name like "Big Earl" for it to be ironic.
You don't have to be a midget. You're not exactly... How tall are you?
- I don't know. 5'9"? - Uh-huh. Well, that is kind of...
- Borderline. It's average. - Look, guys,
Big Earl got pinched two weeks ago. He's in Bay City Correctional
and I took over the bar as a favour till he gets out.
Jeff, I'm sorry. We apologise. We're gonna pay Big Earl a visit.
Let me just get this for you. There you go. Good as new.
Little word of advice. Next time you're watching a place, don't claim you own it
just cos you're watching it, OK? I housesit for my sister all the time.
It's not like I claim that I own her house, you know what I mean?
That goes for all y'all.
Don't pretend to be something you're not. Just be who you are.
That's what's really cool.
(bell rings)
How'd you guys get in here? Visiting hours are over.
Special treatment.
We got some questions about Terrence Myers.
- Terrence Myers? - Yeah.
You made this jacket for him, didn't you?
Gee whiz, I don't seem to know anyone by that name at all.
Hard customer. (Whispers) Offer him a radio or some bullshit.
Maybe there's something we can do to make your stay more comfortable.
- Nice transistor radio for your cell, maybe? - No.
- How about a TV? - I'll tell you what.
I do like your blond friend here.
Let me see your bellybutton.
No. What...? Let's go.
- No. No! I'm not gonna... - Hold on a second.
(whispers) He's obviously a freak. Just show him a little skin.
Just show him your stomach. Nobody's here.
- Are we cool? - Yes, we're cool.
Oh, eureka. God, that's nice.
Oh, it's like a little bowl of oatmeal with a hole in it.
I got one, too.
I just got a little more brown sugar on mine.
Did you say Terrence Myers?
Yeah, I did make that jacket. We might have even pulled a job together.
What job? Who were you working for?
Stand up, walk to the back, and do a slow spin for me.
Wait a second, Big Earl. I just showed you my stomach.
Come on. A deal's a deal, Earl.
Fine. Then this conversation is over.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold it. Come on. Wait a second.
Get up.
- Tell him to take his jacket off. - Take your jacket off.
- Slow spin. - He says to do a slow spin.
Tell him to arch his back and then look back at me mean,
like a dragon.
He says to arch your back and look back at him mean, like a dragon.
But keep it mean.
(growling)
- Ah. - (growling)
That's great. Tell him, great job. He can sit down.
You're a very convincing dragon. You should feel good about that.
- (whispers) Just get this over with. - OK, here's the deal.
Terrence and I worked as extra muscle for a couple of dealers.
I'd like to tell you who they were, but I don't know.
I never got a name, I never got a face, but I do know one thing.
They paid us in coke. I was pretty pissed at the time.
I was hoping to get cash cos I'm not a coke dealer.
So where's the coke?
If we find that coke, we can probably trace it. Please.
Fine. Fine.
Look, I like you guys, OK? Especially you.
OK? Don't feel bad about that.
I like you guys, so I'll tell you where it is,
but, uh... But first I need to see something, OK?
And it's gonna involve both of you.
I'm not gonna lie to you. It's gonna get weird.
Two dragons.
(Big Earl) Ready?
Both take your shirts off, but do it slow.
(♪ "Afternoon Delight" by Starlight Vocal Band)
♪ Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
♪ Gonna grab some afternoon delight
♪ My motto's always been "When it's right, it's right"
♪ Why wait until the middle of...
I guess it's supposed to rain later tonight.
Yeah, that's what I heard.
- You know what happened... - Can we please not talk about this, Hutch?
We got the coke. Now, let's not ever talk about it.
You're right. That's a good policy.
We got what we came for.
- You think dragons ever...? - Stop! I don't wanna talk about it.
♪ Sky rockets in flight
♪ Afternoon delight
What the hell is wrong with you two?
(laughter)
Oh, come on!
You have brought disgrace on everyone who's ever worn a uniform.
- My God. - We didn't know there was a camera.
Look, Cap, we're sorry, but at least we got the stash.
I mean, there's gotta be 30 grams of coke here, minimum.
This could lead us to the dealers that iced Terrence Myers.
The beginning of the evidence chain. Print the bag, run forensics.
We did. We got nothing.
What we got is a bag of artificial sweetener.
What are you talking about?
This wouldn't pass for cocaine with my grandmammy.
Come on, that's impossible. We got the stuff from Big Earl.
- I'm taking you two off of this floater. - What?!
- I'm giving it to Manetti. - Manetti? Oh, come on, Cap!
- He's the worst cop on the force. - Starsky, stop. Go on, sit down.
Come on.
(sighs)
Look, Captain, we're sorry, but come on, you can't take us off this.
I just did. Now leave.
And take your bag of artificial sweetener with you.
- Kicking the chair was a nice touch. - Yeah, too bad it didn't work.
He'll get over it.
What I can't figure out is why Earl got paid with bunk cocaine.
Look, right now we've got two leads.
- We do? - Stacey and Holly.
- Those two cheerleaders? - No, no, no, those two witnesses.
They met Terrence, right?
Let's take 'em out, see what we can learn.
I mean, is it our fault that they also happen to be a couple of hot foxes?
Look, Reese, I couldn't help myself.
They were cops. They were just too macho.
Macho? It's very simple, Earl. You should've lied to 'em.
I did lie. I lied about you. I didn't tell 'em anything.
But I had to give 'em something. They were so pure.
You're very lucky you're in the joint, my man. Do you understand me?
Look at the bright side, OK? This is the ultimate test.
That coke was in the police station all night, and they cleared it.
- You should be happy. - Well, guess what? I'm not happy.
- I'm not happy at all about it! - Shh.
- Don't shush me! - Calm doWn.
Don't tell me to calm down!
What are you wearing? Real quick. Be honest.
What am I wearing? Silk flowered shirt and a vest. Why?
- Oh, that's gorgeous. - You sick son of a bitch.
Don't hang up. Don't hang up.
(hangs up)
God. Some people.
(girls laughing)
(Stacey) I'm not gonna be able to fit in my uniform tomorrow.
Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Is this the way you two always treat your witnesses?
Well, that depends. If it's a misdemeanour,
we've been known to skip the fondue and move right to the foot massages.
- Whoo-hoo! - Oh!
Wait a minute. I think that's police brutality.
- Anybody for some coffee? - No, thanks.
- I'm OK. - OK, one for le chef.
Wow, this place is great.
Let's see...
Yeah, it serves my needs. It's cosy, homey.
- Hutch, can you help me find the sugar? - It's in there.
No, Hutch. (whispers) Help me find the sugar.
Oh! OK.
- Pardon me. - OK.
- How we doin'? - Great.
- Your fondue put us over the top. - Really?
Which one do you like? Cos we're gonna stick to this.
- I've always had a thing for blondes. - Good, cos I'll take anything.
They're both such sweet angels.
Now, in two minutes I want you to grab my guitar,
bring it out to me, put it in my hands, and then step back.
- You play? - Just bring me the guitar.
Wait. Hey, hey. Where's the sugar?
Don't think I have any.
- Come here! - (Holly) Aah! You're so funny.
(Hutch) It's a magpie convention in here.
(mutters)
Thank you, Big Earl.
D'you ever get scared out there, on the streets?
Yeah. I'd like to say no, but the truth is I do sometimes.
Oh.
(slurps)
Mmm.
There we go.
It's more that there's someone out there I might not be able to help -
a citizen that needs aid, or even an animal.
- Look what I found! - Put that away. Put it away!
Hutch, you gotta play. Come on, play, play, play.
Don't you want him to play? Come on, Hutch. Hutch!
Whoo! All right, Holly, turn off the music, OK?
- Now! Come on. - Oh, sorry.
Look alive. Let's go. Whoo! Hutch is gonna play.
What have you got me into, Starsky?
- I thought we were partners. - (Stacey) Come on, Hutch!
One, two, three...
♪ Don't give up on us, baby
♪ Don't make the wrong
♪ Seem right
♪ It's written in the moonlight
♪ Painted on the stars We can't change ours
♪ Don't give up on us, baby
♪ Lord knows we've come
♪ This far
- (chirping) - ♪ The angel and the dreamer
♪ Who sometimes plays a fool
♪ Don't give up on us I know
♪ We can still come through
♪ Ooh
(laughing)
- Whoa! - (Stacey) Wow.
- Whoo! That was great, Hutch. - Oh, come on, you guys.
It was just a guy up here with a guitar singin' his heart out.
- You guys! - Starsky's bored.
Ooh! Aah!
- Anybody else bored? Huh? - A club could be fun.
Yeah? OK, I'll go get some more coffee, and then we'll go.
Is he OK?
(♪ "Right Back Where We Started From" by Maxine Nightingale)
♪ Ooh, and it's all right and it's comin' along
♪ We gotta get right back to Where We started from
♪ Love is good, love can be strong
♪ We gotta get right back to Where We started from
- ♪ Do you remember that day - ♪ That sunny day...
- Isn't this place great? - Uh-huh.
Do you like places like this? Cos you're a cheerleader.
You dance in formation, but a place like this can't be fun, it's like you're at work.
Are you OK? You seem kind of wound up.
Wound up? No, I'm just pumped. I'm excited, you know?
Rock solid, ready to go. Little bit paranoid, but feeling really good.
- Can I kiss you? - OK.
Whoo! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Watch it, man. - Excuse me?
I said watch it. This floor is made for dancing. You can tell by the lights.
- You wanna tangle, Curly? - Come on, no. We're gonna dance.
No, no, no, no. Curly wants to tangle.
- You really want a piece of this? - Oh, I don't want a piece.
I want the whole thing.
(crowd cheering)
Yeah! Oh, my, folks!
- Please don't do this. - Don't worry. I can take this guy.
It's not that! You shouldn't do this cos it's so incredibly lame.
Our very own Dancin' Rick is being called out by new guy David Stamsky.
- No, no. Starsky. - Right back at you.
So, folks, if you've got a pair of sunglasses, I advise puttin' 'em on
cos I got a feeling these two are gonna light it up!
(MC) Boz, reel it in!
All right, everybody, settle down. Everybody, settle.
You know the rules. Keep it safe, keep it sexy,
and, above all, turn up the night!
(♪ "That's the Way I Like It" by KC and the Sunshine Band)
(MC) Dancin' Rick gettin' warmed up here.
What's he gonna bring out for the appetiser course?
Oh, it's a little hand-over-hand toggle, man, right into the centre of the floor.
Yeah, and... Oh, that's all he's givin' him, folks.
That's a bucketful of confidence right there.
Over to new guy - David Starsky.
Oh, this guy could be trouble.
Oh, it's the Wild West. Those are six-guns full of sexy!
The good, the bad and the groovy!
All right, one, two, three, four, we've got disco war, folks.
Dancin' Rick's goin' "I don't like you, but I respect your moves."
Here comes Starsky again.
Oh, droppin' that disco big rig. Shift gears. Blow your funky horn.
Pull it into the truck stop and get yourself some scrapple made out of sexy.
Disco Rick brings it right back, and he's not wasting any time, folks.
And, oh! From the future of 1984, that's a funky disco robot!
Oh, they're both on the floor, folks, eye to eye. It's disco Vietnam.
Neither one's blinking, neither one's backing down. Let's see what happens.
Oh, angry cat. Kitten has claws.
All right, looks like it's over. Remember, $2 Harvey Wallb...
Oh, my God! David Starsky takin' it over the line!
(crowd cheering)
Whoa!
Yeah!
Whoo!
How about that? Very sexy, very macho, but that's a little too close to call.
We'll have to depend on our patented American Lights Applause-o-meter.
So let's bring out our combatants. Come on, big hand for 'em.
Here we go.
First off, over to my man, Dancin' Rick!
(loud cheers and applause)
And on to the new guy, David Starsky.
(louder cheers and applause)
Yeah!
Folks, pretty close. I hate to do this,
but I gotta give it to my man, Dancin' Rick.
(crowd booing)
What?!
- Hey! Hey, do it again. That's BS. - What?
I won! Do it again. Do the applause thing again.
It was just for fun. Forget it...
- I said do it again, liar! - Not cool, not cool!
- (screaming) - You're dead!
- Hey, hey, settle down. Settle down! - (gunshots)
I'm a cop. It's cool.
It's OK.
It's OK. It's OK.
Calm down, people. Bay City PD.
We got him.
- We're gonna get you home. - Where am I?
You were freaking out. I had to take you down.
What?
Oh...
- There we go. - ♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh...
- Easy does it. - ♪ I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
- ♪ That's the way... - Here we go.
♪ I like it
Oh, I think I was drugged.
Sounds like you did some coke.
I mean, from what I've read about the effects.
I don't use coke. I had coffee tonight.
- What is that? - Sweetener, right?
Is that the stuff from Earl's? What are you doing with this?
- Hey, Hutch... - Where'd you get this?
I beat that guy. What was that about?
- Sure you did. You won. - You saw it with your own two eyes.
- You danced your heart out. - And everybody saw it.
- Shh. Go to sleep. - I was robbed.
I know. We was robbed. We was robbed.
Go to sleep.
- (mutters) - Shh.
Go to sleep, tiny dancer. All right.
Jesus Christ.
(♪ "Use Me" by Bill Withers)
Is he OK?
Oh, yeah, he's OK. Just needs to sleep it off.
Oh.
Quite a night, huh?
You can say that again.
Guess it's kind of winding down.
- Well, it doesn't have to be over. - What do you mean?
Whoa, where did that come from?
I just want you to know, I really like your partner.
- Oh, I know. He's such a good guy. - This is just, like, whatever.
I don't think we even have to judge it. It's too natural.
You guys wanna kiss?
♪ I-I-I wanna spread the news
♪ That if it feels this good gettin' used
♪ Oh, you just keep on usin' me
♪ Until you use me up
I hear somebody stirrin'. There he is!
Ooh, I feel for you.
Ow!
- Jesus! Please, turn that off. - Easy, killer. Just the blender.
Oh!
- What time is it? - Time for Hutch's hangover cure.
- What's in it? - Pepto-Bismol, Aunt Jemima mix,
Tang and a little flat Tab. Oh, most important thing.
And a raw egg.
Saves lives. Trust me.
And?
- It's good. - What'd I tell you?
Oh. Sorry about last night. Thanks for taking care of the girls.
Hey, no problem. Happy to do it. What are partners for?
Oh, speaking of which, uh, I checked this stuff out,
and even though it tastes like sugar, that is cocaine.
- You sure? - I'm sure,
Stacey's sure, Holly's sure.
(clears throat) How do you like your eggs?
Didn't Huggy mention something about a coke deal going down?
"One for the Guinness book" was how he put it.
Seems like a pretty big coincidence, huh?
Why don't you let me drive? You don't look so good.
- If I'm alive, I drive. - Rhyming already. You must be feeling...
Whoa!
OK, fine. You blew out my frickin' window!
All right! Enough with the car already! We get it!
- Stop shooting my car! - OK, cover me.
- Say when. - Go!
Zebra-Three to base. I want you to run a plate for me.
Larry-1-Apple-9-8-4.
- Damn it! - You OK?
Oh, look at this! This is horrible.
What kind of world do we live in where somebody does something like this?
Well, I think he was aiming at us.
You think this is funny? Seriously, you think this is funny?
(dispatcher) Zebra-Three, we have an ID on that plate. Lee M Chau, 1325 Western.
Ready to dish out a little payback?
(Spanish on TV)
(clanging)
(cartoon continues)
(♪ cartoon music)
(both screaming)
Freeze! Bay City PD!
- What the hell was that? - I think it's his kid!
Sit tight, little boy.
Oh. Well, well, well. This looks familiar.
Possession of cocaine and attempted murder, huh?
- Agh! - (Hutch) Jesus!
- What was that? - That ain't a kid!
It's a tiny little man and he's got knives! Goddamn, my arm!
Oh, shit!
Hey! Make him stop. Make him stop. Tell him to stop.
- (speaks Korean) - Stop it!
(Korean) Throw more knives all the time.
Yes, Father. I shall throw many.
- Starsky! - Whoa!
Starsky, we need to go now! Come on.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
(speaks Korean)
All right, now... OK? Time out. Let's just take a little break.
I'm gonna get out of here... Oh! Jeez! Listen...
Ow! Oh, mama! Ow! What is your problem?
I said time out!
Agh!
Ow. Hutch, little help.
Oh, he pinned you good, partner. On three... One, two!
Ow!
Time to answer some questions, old man.
Who's the limber little dwarf you got throwing knives at me and my partner?!
That was no dwarf. That was my son.
- Liar! - Agh!
Come on! You're going downtown.
Let's go, Starsky. On your feet.
Now, you wanna tell me who hired you?
We have a saying in Koreatown. It goes "Kiss my yellow ass, copper."
All right, you wanna play games?
I got a game for you, Chau.
Let's play a little Russian roulette.
We got a little saying here in Bay City.
"You cross the line,
your nuts are mine."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! There's really a bullet in the gun.
Yes, I know. That is the point of Russian roulette.
- You wanna play, let's play! - The bullet went back inside!
- Come on, you wanna play, let's play! - Don't do it!
- Agh! - (chamber clicks)
- Your turn. - No! No!
You want to play, let's play! You like games so much, let's play a game!
What are you doing? Jesus!
- Our little friend here is about to talk. - What? No, hold it.
- (Korean) What's going on here? - You speak Korean?
A little.
There's a bullet in your partner's gun,
but he thinks it's empty.
- All right, enough with the talkin'. Let's go! - What? No, Starsky! No!
(gunshot)
You're crazy!
- Are you out of your mind?! - (Chau sobs and wails)
(Hutch) Calm down.
Calm down? He tried to kill me. He shoot everything.
I have heart attack already.
It's over, it's over. Calm down.
(Hutch speaks Korean)
(Chau speaks Korean)
(speaks Korean)
What?
No, nothing. No, this guy's funny. It's not about you.
That's great. He can be your new partner.
Chau and Hutch. Sounds cool.
Forget it.
All right, Chau, what else can you tell me about the guys that hired you?
Not much. Couple whiteys.
Nice suit. Perry Ellis.
They pay, I do job.
- What'd they look like? - I don't know. They're white.
All you guys look alike to me.
That's funny, all you guys look alike to us. Orientals.
- So where'd you meet him? - We met, uh...
How do you say?
- By water. - At the beach?
No, no, no, no. On water.
- Right, a boat. You met on a boat. - No, no, no. Not a boat.
It's a yacht.
♪ That's the time Yeah
♪ I feel like makin' love
♪ To you
♪ Oh, baby Come on! Yo!
♪ In a restaurant
♪ In a topless bar
♪ In a high school bus
♪ In the back of your mama's car
♪ On the trampoline
♪ In the middle of a putting green
♪ Anywhere Yo, near or far
♪ Right here at this bat mitzvah Ow!
♪ That's the time Yeah
♪ I feel like makin'
♪ L-O-V-E T-O Y-O-U
♪ Oh, baby
All right. Rock into womanhood, Elizabeth.
- We know that you will. All right. - What's that supposed to mean?
We have a special delivery for the little lady.
It's right over here. Let's see what's inside.
(drumroll)
(♪ "Send in the Clowns" by Judy Collins)
(applause)
♪ Isn't it rich?
♪ Isn't it queer?
♪ Me here at last on the ground
- These pantomimes suck. - Don't look at me. I didn't hire 'em.
- Well, who did? - I don't know.
♪ Where are the clowns?
These pantomimes aren't very good.
This must be Reese's big surprise.
Look at me. I'm a mime, too. You know what I mean?
- It's embarrassing. - (woman) I know.
(softly) OK.
- (whispering) Reese just left. - I know.
- Stay. I'll follow him. - No. You stay, I'll follow.
You gotta keep 'em occupied. You're doin' great. They love you.
(music ends)
I might do the glass wall one more time.
(woman) Boo!
It's terrific. Tell the guy you like him. Ask him to sit next to you at the cafeteria.
How do I know how that works? What am I, your counsellor?
I'd like to get to the information that I need, OK?
It's done. My buddy delivered the package, OK?
It's in your garage, locked up nice and tight in case anybody gets nosy.
- (Reese) Is he positive no one saw him? - Not a soul. Now, about my fee.
You'll be paid once I check it out. I gotta get back to my daughter's bat mitzvah.
- Reese, wait. - What?
- Mazel tov, man. - Thanks.
They grow up so fast.
(Reese) Go play dragon. I gotta go.
(Big Earl) All right. Big kisses.
Thank you so much, everybody, for coming out tonight
to celebrate my little girl's bat mitzvah.
Or I guess I should say "young woman." It'll take me a while to get used to that.
- This guy's good. It's sweet. - It's in his garage.
- What? - The cocaine. It's in his garage.
- Are you sure? - Yeah. We take him down now.
♪ My eyes adore you...
- All right, cut the music. - Whoa, whoa!
- Cut the music. - Hey, guys.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we're mimed out.
Don't worry. Show's over.
We're puttin' you under arrest for possession with intent to sell.
This man's a drug dealer.
- What we have... - Maybe you didn't hear us!
You're makin' the biggest mistake of your life, clown.
No, you're the one makin' the mistake, pusher man.
Kevin, call my attorney, please. Ridiculous.
- Open it. - My hands are tied.
Fine. Allow me.
Now, let this be a lesson to everyone, especially you kids.
Don't be fooled by the first-class suit and the big house.
Reese Feldman's nothing more than a two-bit drug dealer.
You want some proof? Here's some proof.
This is a bad man, and this is what bad men do.
(Elizabeth) A pony!
Happy bat mitzvah, baby. I love you.
(neighs)
(girls scream)
(man) Take the kids in. Come on, let's go.
It's all right, baby. It's OK. Come here. I'll get you a new pony.
Hey, there, little fella. You OK?
Mr Feldman, on behalf of the entire Bay City Police Department,
I sincerely apologise.
That's OK, Captain.
My attorney would love to take them down,
but I know that in the bottom of their hearts,
these two detectives were just trying to protect me and my family.
I gotcha. Thank you.
(sighs)
I respect your attitude, but you can be sure it will never happen again,
because, as of right now, both of you are suspended indefinitely.
Look, Cap, this was my fault. Don't drag Hutch into this, all right?
- I shot the pony. - Since when do you care about Hutch?
You filed for a transfer two weeks ago, citing his behaviour as a reason.
- Captain... - Oh, yeah, yeah. Check this out.
Sounds like you're quite the crime-fighter, Hutchinson.
You filed for a transfer?
Guns and badges right here on my desk.
Your mother would be very disappointed in you.
I've really had it with that Doby. I mean, it's enough already, you know?
"Cavorting with nefarious characters. Conduct unbecoming of an officer."
Look, I wrote that thing two weeks ago, OK?
- Things are really cool with us now. - Did you go through my locker?
- No! - You went through my locker.
- I looked inside when it was open... - If you got a problem with someone,
you tell it to their face. You come to them as a man.
Don't go behind their back, write a thesis and try to get a transfer to another precinct.
Backstabber!
Yeah, don't anybody work with David Starsky.
He'll stab you in the back!
You've got to let this go, OK?
We got so lucky these guys screwed up. They can't even touch us now. It is over.
I don't care. No one dresses up like a mime
and embarrasses me at my daughter's bat mitzvah.
In my own house, no less.
Let's have some perspective here. We're almost finished.
We're a few days away from closing a $35 million deal. Why don't you let it slide?
Yeah, I'll let it slide... when they're dead.
- Mm. Why'd I get so lucky? - I don't know.
I just love when you talk so tough.
Of course you do, baby. That's why you're my girlfriend on the side.
(♪ "We've Only Just Begun" by The Carpenters)
♪ We've only just begun
♪ To live
♪ White lace and promises
♪ A kiss for luck and we're on our way
♪ We've only begun
♪ Before the risin' sun
♪ We fly
♪ So many roads to choose
♪ We start out walkin' and learn to run
♪ And, yes, we've just begun
♪ Sharin' horizons that are neW to us
♪ Watchin' the signs along the way
♪ Talkin' it over, just the two of us
♪ Workin' together day to day
"Ruin me!"
(laughter)
Excuse me, Smokey. Let me have a minute with my friend.
He didn't care if he got ruined. That was the whole point of the episode.
- He did... Did you see...? - Look here, Hutch.
You gonna have to lay up off of this juice. You had too much to drink.
Come on, I feel like a million bucks. Just laughing, having a good time.
Look, man, it ain't even funny no more.
There used to be a time around here when you peed against a wall, you did it outside.
Lighten up. It's Friday night. OK? It's a bar.
Hutch, it's Wednesday afternoon, man. Snap out of it.
- What time is it? - It's five o'clock, man.
Shit. I'm supposed to pick up Willis at three.
Huggy, I'm sorry. We...
Hutch!
Hey, Hutch! You home?
You were supposed to pick me up at three o'clock today. What happened?
Deadbeat!
(siren blares)
(Huggy ) "'If you could have yourself one wish, what would it be for?"'
"Mama put the salt back on a straight line with the pepper
and got the look on her face like when she be tellin' me that old wise stuff."
"She told Nobie that he should wish for..."
Good friends.
Free to Be You and Me. That's what Mama tells Nobie to wish for, right?
- Well, well, well. - How you doin', Willis?
- I'm pretty good. - Yeah? I got you something.
Damn! A wrist rocket.
Watch out with that thing. Very powerful.
Cool. Thanks, Starsky.
Now, I'm pretty sure those are illegal, Willis.
So even though you're my friend, I might have to report you to Doby.
All right. OK, look, Hutch, can we...
Is it all right if I talk to you outside for a second?
No, I better stay here with the kid.
All right. Hey, feel better, all right?
You got it.
Can you believe that guy? What a...
Hutch, the man was trying to apologise.
Dig this, man.
Someone once said "To err is human, to forgive divine."
(chuckles) What idiot said that?
I believe that was God, the greatest mack of all.
David! David.
Yeah?
- OK, so what did you wanna say? - Nothing. Nothing.
Apparently you're too busy and I'm not worth it, so it's fine.
- No, really, it's good. - Come on, let's hear it.
There's nothing... You know, I just was gonna say that I, uh,
- I think you're... I think you're a good cop. - Hey, well, thank you.
And, um, I am... sorry about what I wrote in the report.
Cos I'm telling you, I felt like I'd just gotten, like, my world rocked. It's like...
- Are you crying? - What's that?
- Are you crying? - Am I crying? No, I'm not crying.
- You're crying. - It's OK to cry. People cry.
It's great, but I'm not crying. I'm not a crier. I don't cry.
You know, I work out. I have hobbies. I don't... I don't...
Come here. Come here. I forgive you, all right?
- OK. - (whispers) I forgive you.
- (sobs) - OK.
That's probably enough. That's enough.
- All right? - OK.
- OK, are we good? - Yeah, I'm good.
OK, cos we got some people that want us dead.
They took a shot at you, they tried to blow up my house, almost killed little Willis.
- We gotta do... - (sniffs)
- Now what? - Nothing. I'm just excited.
I wanna get these... Let's get these scumbags!
- Get 'em! That's what I wanna see. - Good. Get some tissues.
- What are you doin'? - Let's go.
(♪ "Cocaine" by Eric Clapton)
♪ If you wanna hang out
♪ You've got to take her out Cocaine
♪ If you wanna get down
♪ Down on the ground Cocaine
♪ She don't lie, she don't lie
♪ She don't lie
♪ Cocaine
(Hutch) Come on!
♪ You wanna kick them blues Cocaine
♪ When your day is done
♪ And you wanna run Cocaine
♪ She don't lie, she don't lie
♪ She don't lie Cocaine
(wolf-whistles)
Man, I'll tell you that.
Look, I'm telling you, it's right here.
Reese is meeting with the biggest drug dealers in Bay City
in back alleys, all over the place.
But talking isn't illegal.
Yeah.
The guy's not stupid. He knows how to stay clean.
- Dirty ones always do. - We gotta do something.
We gotta find a way to get close to him, get inside and hear what's goin' on.
It's gonna be tough. The guy knows what we look like.
He doesn't know what Huggy Bear looks like.
Man, this is a bunch of crap. I am an urban informant. I am not a snitch.
- Come on, Huggy. What's the difference? - A snitch wears a wire.
A snitch is the scum of the information industry. A snitch has no soul.
Agh! Damn, man. That shit hurt.
- I'm sorry. - You got to be more careful.
Look, Huggy, we wouldn't ask you to do this unless it was really important.
- I'm gonna owe you one. - You gonna owe me more than one.
Let's slow down with the scorekeeping.
I might have to start remembering stuff I've overlooked over the years
and then mention it to my partner here.
How'd that be?
All right, man. Get this over with. Hurry up.
All right, all right. Good. We're done.
- All right, let's get that outfit. - Outfit?
- Ta-dum! - Oh, no, man.
Huggy Bear wouldn't wear that, man. Y'all have to come up with something better.
Y'all got to take that shit back to Florida. That ain't me, baby.
(Reese) Mr Casual, so nice of you to join us.
Sorry about that, sir.
What would you say this is?
Uh, golf?
Real funny, Amos. Gimme the nine-iron.
- Where the hell's my nine-iron? - I was gonna bring the other bag...
Let me explain something to you. You are in charge of this area right here.
Clubs come out, but they gotta go back in.
Now, I realise this is a very complex procedure,
but it's up to you to manage the whole business. D'you got that, Nipsy?
(Huggy) Yes, sir.
(Reese) I should make you run your ass back to the driving range and get it.
Just give me the wedge.
Three-wood? The man gave me a three-wood.
Do you even know what a pitching wedge is?
- Are you even a real caddie? - (whispers) Come on.
Look, man... this grass is Alabama Creepin' Bend,
as opposed to Georgia Creepin' Bend.
It's lighter.
- (Kevin) Lighter meaning faster? - Exactly.
Hold this.
(Kevin) Look at that. Good shot!
- You know a lot about golf. - I know even more about grass.
I don't question that.
- That was a great shot. Don't even start. - Yeah, fine, Whatever. Back to business.
The stuff is all ready to be moved, all two tons of it.
We're gold. We need to be at the banquet by 2pm.
- Is there anything else? - No, just stay calm and...
What, are we dating? Why are you standin' so close to me?
- Back off. - It's cool, baby.
What is your deal?
The Nearly There banquet. Remember, he gave me the invite? It's tomorrow.
How's he gonna move two tons of coke at a banquet?
I don't know, but we gotta be there.
We can't. He'll kill us if he sees us.
You wanna use my wig guy. Ha-ha!
(♪ "Love Will Keep Us Together")
(woman) ♪ Love
♪ Love will keep us together
♪ Think of me, babe, whenever
♪ Some sweet-talkin' girl comes along
♪ Singin' her song
♪ Don't mess around, you just gotta be strong
♪ Just stop
♪ Cos I really love you
♪ Stop
♪ I been thinkin' of you
♪ Look in my heart and let love
♪ Keep us together
♪ You
♪ You belong to me now...
Hello, sir.
May I check your briefcase?
Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot.
Thank you very much.
Now, what you wanna do is take this ticket stub. It's for the raffle.
And see that car up onstage?
There's seven of 'em, all up for grabs, with plenty of trunk space.
(laughing) Oh, trunk space. I get it.
Very good, very good. Thank you very much.
♪ ..Love keep us together
♪ Whatever
♪ I will, I will, I will...
(Starsky in a deep voice) That's what I'm talkin' about.
There we go. What do you think?
Oh, I love it. Great stuff.
Yeah, you look just like a rich cowboy who came riding in off the farm.
- Do me a favour. Tip your hat forward. - No, no, I like it where it is.
- No, seriously. Come on, do it. Do it. - Will you... Will you stop with that?
- That voice makes you sound crazy. - It does not. It makes me sound like
(deep voice) Maury Finkle, Finkle Fixtures, biggest lighting-fixture chain in the South.
Oh, it's a little voice and a character. You got a whole back story. That's good.
Little touches, little details make a character full, real.
- What's your character? - Oh, I don't really...
I don't really have a character. I don't do voices.
What are you talkin' about? We're goin' upstairs.
Half those people will recognise us if we don't have a character. Think of something.
- OK, OK. - Buck up. Let's do it.
(deep voice) How are you? How's it goin'?
All right. How you doin'? All right.
Oh, look at these two hot chickens.
Finkle wants some dinkle. Give it to me, huh?
Come on, do it. Lay it on right here. Do it. Do it.
He means a kiss. We're doin' little voices undercover.
All right. OK.
Oh, that's a sweet little pucker. I love it.
- Hi. Can I get you two a drink? - You sure can.
Johnnie Red neat, OK? Do it. Do it.
All right. And you?
(imitates Starsky's accent) Do it. Bacardi and cola. Do it. Do it.
- OK, I'll be right back. - What are you doing?
- (normal voice) What? - What was that?
- You just stole my voice. - No, I didn't.
You did. You gotta come up with your own.
What am I supposed to do? I don't have a great, cool, little voice like you do.
Get your own character. That's why you're Texas oil tycoon guy. You've a moustache.
- (Reese over mic) OK, I'm sorry... - Don't shame me.
- (deep voice) Let's sit down. - Have a seat. We'll get down to business
and then get back to the business of gettin' down.
That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. Let's get down!
(laughter)
Captain Doby, you're not right.
But today is right.
Can I see a show of hands?
I'm talkin' to everyone in this room.
How many of us have made a mistake?
- (Starsky in deep voice) Guilty. - Yeah.
You know, I believe it was our buddy, Bill Shakespeare, who said
"To err is human, but to forgive, well, that's right on."
And that's exactly why we're here today.
Because everyone out there deserves a second chance. Everyone!
Thank you. I didn't say it. Bill Shakespeare did.
I recognise some of these guys from our surveillance.
I know.
Check out the guy behind us from the alley.
- Already did. - Think he's got the stuff here?
(sighs) Where?
I'd like to thank the folks over at Bay City Volkswagen
for donating seven brand-new cars to our annual fund-raising raffle.
Thank you, Bay City Volkswagen.
OK, everybody, go ahead, pull out your ticket stubs. I hope you held on to 'em.
I'd hate to have your number called and have you be left behind
cos this train's leavin' the station.
Uh, tonight's first winner. Um, 63.
- Hot damn! That baby's mine! - That's one of his guys.
- Thank you very much. - If you could just wait here.
We got a winner. We got a new car owner. Let him hear it.
He took the bus here.
The car. Cocaine is in the car. He's doing it right in front of everybody.
- He's not that stupid. - No, but he's that arrogant. Trust me.
Number... 117.
- Go. - Right on!
Yee-ha! Whoo! Yes!
- Thank you very much! - (deep voice) Shh. Sit now. Do it. Do it.
(Texan accent) Old Shakes McGinty did it!
- Yes! Unbelievable! - (Starsky) Incredible.
I'm a rich 'un, and I'm gonna kiss ya!
Get your hands off, bro. I just... I don't... Wow.
(deep voice) My friend won. I can't believe it. Give him the car. Do it.
Do what?
The kid's from Texas. I don't know if he has a license.
- He rides a horse, for God's sakes. - Excuse me, do you have a ticket?
Oh, come on, Hoss! You gotta trust the kid fer once!
I can't, cowboy. I need to see the ticket to make sure it matches.
Pop the trunk. Let's get a whiff of that new-car smell.
- Who wants a whiff of that new-car smell? - Let's smell it!
That's what I'm talkin' about. Come on, pop the trunk. Seriously. Do it.
Do it.
Listen, jackass, either give me a ticket, or get the hell off the stage. You dig that?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.
(normal voice) Pop the trunk, candyman.
(normal voice) You heard him.
Pop it!
- What the hell are you two doing? - Pop it!
You screwed up once already, Starsky.
Like you said, Feldman, everyone deserves a second chance.
(Hutch) Whoa! What have we here?
Does this look familiar?
- Some cocaine. - (audience gasps)
Captain Doby, I suggest you take this to the lab, get it analysed this time.
- Hutch! - All right, freeze!
Everybody, freeze! Put your hands where I can see 'em!
- Relax, pal. Relax! - Let's do it!
Put that gun down or I'll kill your friend right here.
- Reese, what are we doing? - Do it now! Put it down!
I got a clean shot, but I need your permission.
No! No, no, no, Starsky.
I can do this. Just move your head to the left!
No can do. You don't have my permission, partner.
- I can't give it to you. - Your nuts are mine, Feldman.
No, they're not! Your nuts are yours. Your nuts are yours.
Starsky, listen to me. I don't wanna die,
and I'm not giving you my permission. Please, put it down.
Ow, ow, ow. Put it down.
Down.
OK. All right, you're right. It's too close.
Oh, thank God.
Agh!
Stay down!
Doby?
- (Reese) Let's move it! - What?
- Let's go! Let's go! - (gunshot)
- What?! - Walk away. Let's go!
- Hey, Captain, you OK? - Yeah, I just got my wing clipped.
Jesus Christ, who in the hell shot me?
- I'm sorry, sir. I was trying to get... - Starsky!
It was Reese Feldman. Reese Feldman hit you, that son of a bitch.
Well, go get him!
- Is somebody coming? - No, we're on vacation.
- (Kitty) What's going on? - Gotta go.
(Kitty) Oh, my God!
- Baby, look out! - I wanna hit him!
- You OK? - Yeah.
Jesus! Watch out for the bunker!
- I don't know what a bunker is! - It's a sand trap.
- Go faster! - I'm goin' fast. I got it floored!
- Dogleg right up here on the par three! - What?
- Watch the bunker! - What bunker?
- Aah! - Jesus!
Come on! Pay attention!
Hey! Get outta here!
Move that ice-cream truck now!
- (man) No, you move! - Bay City PD! Move it!
Let's go!
Grab those and meet me in the marina. Let's go!
If you guys are cops, let's see some badge.
- We don't have any badges. - Show him your gun.
- Oh! - Come on, move!
Oh!
- Come on, hurry up! Let's go! - They're coming!
Come on! These two with the running and the chasing.
Enough! Whoa! Whoa!
Goodbye, heroes!
Come on, double back to the shipping yard!
- You got a boat? - No, but I got an idea.
(man) Hey, watch out!
OK, now what?
OK, we're gonna take this car and land it on that boat.
- You wanna crash the car into his boat? - No, I wanna land it on that boat.
Now go.
- Go! - I can't do it.
This is unbelievable. You get me out here to risk my life,
and now you're tellin' me you can't do this?
I'm a quitter, but...
- You're crying again! - I'm not crying.
This is different. It's...
It was my mother. She always used to... used to say that I...
that this was too much car for me to handle.
- She said that? - Couldn't handle the V-8.
- I don't know. Maybe she was right. - Hey, look at me.
Look at me.
I am not your mother. I'm your partner.
Now go!
Go!
- Things can go pretty wrong in a second... - David, keep your eyes on the road!
Just listen to me, Ken. If we don't make it, this... you know, us?
- It's been good. - It's been great!
Now, will you stop talking and hit that boat?
It's not a boat. It's a yacht.
- Whoa! - Aah!
(Reese) Son of a bitch!
(Kitty screams)
- Come on, are you kidding me? - Oh, my God! We almost just got killed.
Thank you for pointing out something I couldn't notice on my own.
- You're a real benefit to have. - Reese, we should save them.
Son of a bitch!
- Nice plan. - What do you expect?
You gave it too much gas and you overshot it.
Car has a lot of horsepower. I'm gonna go get it.
What are you doing? Stop it!
Starsky!
- It hasn't hit the bottom yet. - Starsky, stop!
Stop, damn it! Listen to me.
It's gone, OK? It's over.
But it's my car.
I know it is, partner. I know it is.
(horn blares)
(Kitty whoops)
Oh, my God, honey. That was so incredible!
I feel like my adrenaline is just...
You and me, babe. We are such a good team, don't you think?
I mean, this is just the beginning. We could go so far, honey.
- (engine sputters) - I feel so exhilarated.
- Come on! - What was that?
Son of a bitch.
What is it, Reese?
Who are you?
I found your nine-iron, bitch.
That's for puttin' hands on Huggy Bear.
Nobody touches the Bear, you dig?
Yeah.
Now, these will work.
What have we here?
Ooh!
Now, that's what I'm talkin' about.
(♪ "Cut the Cake" by Average White Band)
♪ Mm-hmm cut the cake
♪ Give me a little piece let me lick the cream
♪ Cut the cake...
We don't really do private shows.
But I'm a good friend of Huggy Bear.
Well, it's kind of against cheerleading policy.
You need to change that policy.
You know, what I can't figure out is how in the hell did you know to get on that boat?
When your two boys put me on that undercover golf course mission,
that cat, Reese? All he did was talk about that damn yacht.
Like I say, "Why go to the starting line when you can go straight to the finish?"
- Straight to the finish? - Yes, sir.
(laughs) I like that, man. I like that.
Are you interested in doing any undercover work?
Uh, not in the least.
Captain, let me borrow him for just a second.
The weird thing is, one of those briefcases with $5 million just up and vanished.
Hmm.
Oh, what is this, a brand-new fur coat? Look at this thing.
Oh, yeah. I inherited some money from a dead uncle of mine.
Is that right? I didn't even know you had an uncle.
Well, I did, and he was rich as hell, too, baby.
- Chin up, little man. - Oh, I think he's still upset about the car.
Come on, let's get up. You're goin' outside.
- No. No, thanks. - Come on, we're taking you out.
We're gonna get you some coffee, get you cleaned up.
I don't feel like it.
Look, Starsky, I know two white dudes that got a car that you might be interested in.
- I don't want another car, Hug. - Oh, come on. At least take a look.
My car!
Where did you...?
Hutch, who the hell are these guys?
I don't know, but I get a good vibe from 'em.
So, you selling the car?
Well, actually, your friend here has already paid for it.
(laughs) I owe you one, Huggy.
Huh! All right.
Come on, give him the keys.
Thank you. Thank you.
Now, with this transmission, you're really gonna wanna jump the clutch.
- I usually pop it... - From second to fourth. I got it.
- Right. - 420 on Fifth and Tucker. Respond.
This is Zebra-Three. We're on it.
Hutch, let's roll.
I think he means you.
Good luck.
Allow me.
- All right, thank you. - You're welcome.
All right. Hey!
Not bad...
- How's it feel? - Feels pretty good.
I'm just gonna take it slow, get the feel of it.
No, no, that's smart. Do that.
- Starsky? - Hang on.
No!
- No! - Hang on!
- Whoo! - (both laugh)
(♪ "Sweet Emotion" by Aerosmith)
♪ Talk about things and nobody cares
♪ Wearin' out things that nobody wears
♪ You're callin' my name, but I gotta make it clear
♪ I can't say, baby, where I'll be in a year
♪ Some sweat hog mama with a face like a gent
♪ Said my get-up-and-go musta got up and went
♪ Well, I got good news She's a real good liar
♪ Cos the backstage boogie set your pants on fire
♪ SWeet
♪ Emotion
♪ SWeet
♪ Emotion
♪ I pulled into town in a police car
♪ Your daddy said I took it just a little too far
♪ You're tellin' me things, but your girlfriend lied
♪ You can't catch me cos the rabbit done died
♪ Yes, it did