♪♪
♪ They call you lady luck
♪ But there is room for doubt
♪ At times you have a very un-lady-like way
♪ Of running out
♪ Luck be a lady tonight
♪ Luck be a lady... r
CEDRIC: Las Vegas.
For 100 years, people have flocked
To get a taste of its forbidden fruit.
In the 1930s and '40s, it was the Mafia and gambling.
In the late '50s, America's first topless showgirls
appeared at the Dunes Casino.
And in the '60s, it was all about Frank and the Rat Pack.
♪♪
But today, damn!
Vegas has become Disneyland for adults.
And let me tell you something.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
See, in this town, you don't know if it's day or night.
And guess what? You don't care,
because you're in Vegas, baby!
From the casinos to the clubs,
the pools and the strip bars,
It's the best place in the world
for men and women to get their freak on.
Okay, just be careful because it's a wedding dress.
Why are you stressing? It's beautiful.
CEDRIC: Unless, of course, they go together as couples.
Zeke?
Zeke the Freak! (LAUGHS)
It's me, Marty. Remember?
(SINGSONG) Marty the One Man Party!
What up, yo? What up, man?
Oh, man, wait till I tell
Luis the Freak is back in town!
Hey, two of my wildest nights ever
was with Z to the F.
I can only imagine.
Oh, baby, you don't even got to imagine. We got this on video.
She don't wanna see that.
She ain't about that life? No.
That's sweet. Hey, this man is a god.
A legend with the ladies.
We used to get him drunk just to get his leftovers.
I was young, I used to come by here once in a while.
Sounds like you came here a lot.
Hey, you remember Marco's big blow-out bash last year?
That was a few years ago.
Them strippers was off the chain.
Marty, this is my woman, Mya.
Oh. Oh. Nice to meet you.
No! Wait!
Oh! You took him down? (LAUGHING)
Lower the flag, baby! Retire the rubbers.
Zeke the Freak is getting married!
No! No, dude, God, no.
We just here for a friend's wedding.
Mya just made the dresses.
Designed. Designed the dresses.
Well, I'm just saying, if you can get away later on,
Luis is having an after-party at the Chicken Ranch...
I'm right here!
Oh. Well, this how we do, baby!
Let me just get with you later.
All right. Get your girl in check,
she gonna make me look bad
out here in the street, man.
(CHUCKLING)
Wait till I tell Luis the Freak is back in town!
I don't know that dude, really. Mmm.
I met him one time. He drives and cuts hair.
Mmm-mmm.
MYA: Hell, no. MARTY: Zeke the Freak is back in town, baby!
CEDRIC: Now, my opinion?
The only thing worse than going to Vegas as a couple
is going as man and wife.
BENNETT: Babe, you see the car?
Look at these hookers.
Tish, honey, those are not hookers.
They're just girls having fun in Vegas.
It's really not a big deal.
They probably got no dad in their life,
low self-esteem. It's very sad, actually.
By the way, Bennett, that fanny-pack
really screams "Vegas Weekend."
Yeah, Tish got it for me.
It's safer keep your money in the front in Vegas.
Plus, she gave me a bonus.
JEREMY: Bet she did.
And I can get to the money if I need to.
(BENNETT LAUGHING) It's right in the front.
I can't wait to get to the room.
All right.
Okay, good, there's gonna be like an hour
between check-in and separation.
For what? Oh, we're trying to have a baby, ASAP.
I waited nine years to get married, so we're, you know.
Oh, congratulations!
I'm so happy for you!
I hope for your sake it's a boy. Why?
Well, you know, when you have a boy,
you just worry about his wiener.
When you have a girl, you have to worry about
all the wieners coming at her.
Smacking her around. You remember how it is.
Ah, the romance and magic of scheduled sex.
Girl's not gonna wait forever.
Yeah, no, I get it.
She doesn't want to be the "old" mom.
I can't believe it, man! You as a father. (CHUCKLES)
I know, right?
I can't believe it either.
She's like a drill sergeant, on a schedule!
It's like there's a shot clock,
constantly winding down to one,
and I gotta hit the last shot.
Last week, I thought I sprained it.
You know, the worst part about it is I had to stop smoking pot.
No! You? Pot. Yeah. Me.
It's like saying goodbye to an old friend. Why?
Because I can only deal with one stoned child at a time, that's why.
She heard us.
She hears everything.
♪ Gimme your love
♪ Don't stop
♪ Baby, keep it coming I
CEDRIC: Fortunately, some couples know exactly
how to embrace the true spirit of Vegas.
Okay, all right.
So they hadn't seen each other for 10 days
because of Lauren's business trip.
Now you know what they say.
Absence does make the heart and other organs grow fonder.
Despite its reputation as Sin City,
Vegas is still the number one destination in the country
for couples to do the craziest thing of all, get married. Dummies.
It is the perfect setting.
Everything is perfect.
You know, this kind of looks like...
Ancient Rome, like Spartacus.
Excuse me, when have you seen Spartacus?
At Grandma's, when she falls asleep during Grey's Anatomy.
I do not fall asleep when I'm babysitting you!
So, Candace, the bride will enter from here,
and right there is where...
We get married.
So, remember, you must be here on time
so we can begin your ceremony promptly.
We cannot hold up the next wedding party. Yes.
(GASPS) Perfect timing!
Your wedding programs just arrived.
Oh, I've got that.
It was so sweet of your mom to splurge
on French linen paper.
Candace, you are the only daughter
she's ever gonna have.
And I think this whole process
has really been healing for her.
Especially after the passing
of Deacon Johnson.
Aunt Winnie said he died in bed with Miss Loretta.
But at least he had a happy ending.
ANDREA: There you go.
Thank you.
(YELLS)
What? What?
"Michael and Tandis"?
Seriously?
No, no, no!
Oh, baby. They probably misheard her.
Do not have a mama's boy relapse
on our wedding weekend.
No. Baby, I'm gonna give you the perfect wedding. All right?
Nothing's gonna go wrong.
♪♪
CEDRIC: I arrived the only way a sane person should for a weekend in Vegas.
I'm talking about solo, people!
After Gail pissed on my iPad for no reason...
(CELL PHONE RINGING) ...our marriage counselor suggested that
we have a trial separation for one month.
Which meant I was free to do whatever I wanted, starting right now.
How you doin'? Doing very well, sir, thank you.
Name is Ward.
Cedric Ward. I'm staying in the, uh...
Constantine Villa. Welcome, Mr. Ward. We've been expecting you.
Your dedicated concierge is awaiting you inside.
Listen, I'm gonna need you to dedicate yourself to something.
See this car right here? It's a rental.
And I passed on the insurance
'cause they wanted me to pay the extra five.
I'm not talking about dollars,
I'm talking about hundred.
So I need you to watch this car like
your life depended on it. Can you do that for me?
♪♪
♪ Are you ready? Come on
♪ Are you ready? I
Welcome to Caesar's Palace, Mr. Ward.
Well, hello! (GIGGLES)
Mmm.
Whoo!
Hello. Hi.
(LAUGHS)
This is what I'm talkin' about!
Welcome to Caesar's Palace, Mr. Ward.
I'm Vanessa, here to accommodate
your every need during your stay with us.
Well, I got a lotta needs, so let's get to accommodatin'.
(CHUCKLES) I understand you're part
of the Hanover-Hall wedding party.
You're looking at the best man. Oh.
I'ma hook it up.
In my opinion, the Constantine Villa
is the most elegant suite in the entire hotel.
Were they able to put the stripper pole in the room?
I'm doing a little after-party at the bachelor party,
like an after-after-party?
Unfortunately not. Damn it.
But your personal butler Declan can take care of your other needs.
My personal butler? I didn't pay for no butler.
It's on the house.
Well, I like this house! (LAUGHS)
We aim to please. Well, you have succeeded!
Just sign here for your balance and incidentals.
I'll take you upstairs for a personal tour of your villa.
Private tour? Wow. Okay. This is pretty standard, right?
You should read it. Nah, it'll say the same stuff.
Been to one hotel, been to them all.
Thank you. Thank you.
I'm waiting on you.
Oh, Vanessa!
Cedric! What up, man?
Zeeky! What's up?
Wait a minute. Whoa. Hey, Mya.
Hold on, hold on. Let me get this right.
Gail let you leave the house
and come to Vegas by yourself?
Don't you start with me, Zeke.
You lyin', I know she here. Gail, where you at?
Zeke, look at me right now.
You look amazing. It looks good, right?
It's H&M. Men's line.
Hey. I want to introduce you to my new friend, Vanessa.
Zeke the Freak?
Vanessa...
You son of a bitch!
ALL: Oh!
What the hell? What are you doing?
Where's my passport?
I don't have your damn passport!
Why did you do that?
Zeke, I thought she was gonna drink it.
Excuse me, excuse me!
Miss Martinez, I am shocked and appalled.
In my office, immediately.
Man, chill out.
Watch your back.
Thank you, Zeke. 'Cause I had that in the bag.
That was about to get booked.
She was supposed to give me a tour, sir.
I will give you your personalized, private tour of the villa.
Well, I don't wanna be rude,
but you can keep that shit.
I want Vanessa, I don't need your tour.
Sir, look at my face. I'm in the Constantine. The Constantine...
Constantine. Constantine.
I can't talk to you right now.
Are you okay? Your baggage is gonna catch up to you, man.
Mya, are you all right?
You gotta be strong. I get it.
Did she go this way? Vanessa!
Cedric!
Hey!
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
See you later. All right.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you, nice to meet you.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
ALL: Whoa!
CEDRIC: The whole crew was back together.
Without even realizing it,
the men and the women had divided themselves into opposing teams.
Look! We both got on green shirts
and we both got blue eyes!
CEDRIC: It was a sign of things to come.
Let's go get a drink, man. Please.
You can really clear a room out, Bennett.
Tell me, what are we doing tonight?
No, no, no!
I want to go see Jersey Boys.
We're not going to see no damn Jersey Boys, Bennett.
Why not? What do you mean, "Why not?"
Because we're men. We're at a bachelor party in Vegas.
We're here to make bad decisions
and regret them the next day.
Story of your life, right, Zeke?
I say we take a vote.
Bennett, we're not taking no vote.
Okay, you know what? I wanna talk to everybody.
Before we all start power-trippin', okay?
Understand that Michael had the opportunity
to choose anybody standing here to be his best man.
I want you all to remember that he chose me.
You know why? 'Cause I'm the best man with a plan.
I didn't want to drop that ball on y'all,
but y'all didn't leave me a choice.
Now I'm the bad guy.
So, I've been giving this a lot of thought.
I want you to be my best man.
Me?
No, Ced, actually, I was talking to Do...
No, listen, don't say nothin' right now, man.
Like, I knew you and I had a connection,
but this is crazy!
Let me tell you something, this means so much to me.
I'm not gonna let you down.
Let me tell you something, I'm gonna be the best best man
in the history of all best men.
I've always wanted to be a best man,
and you want to give me that opportunity?
We came here to golf,
and now you gonna give me this blessing?
I gotta go to the bathroom, Dom!
♪ This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine ♪
You made the right choice.
All right, couples, listen up!
Come on, put a little pep in your step.
Listen up, people. You got exactly one hour
to go settle into your room and say your goodbyes!
'Cause for the next 24 hours, the boys are gonna be with the boys...
And the girls with the girls.
Tomorrow, you can all go back to
that miserable and sexless existence that is marriage.
No offense, Mike. You don't gotta worry about us.
We gonna be happy and sexy.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Well, you better treasure that. Okay.
What? Gail? No! Not now.
Let me tell you something, Mike.
Truth is, Gail and I were both happy and sexy for 22 years.
See? There you go.
Then we met each other. (WHISTLES)
(CLICKS TONGUE) That ship sailed. Like the Titanic...
Come on, baby, we only got an hour.
Before you all go, listen to me.
Real quick, guys. (WHISPERS) So weird.
Let's discuss meeting points.
The teams were chosen, the players were ready,
and it was time for the pre-game warm-up.
Everybody else to their room. I don't know where mine is.
In basketball, you have to know
what kinda offense you runnin'.
But no matter what it is, the goal is to outscore your opponent
The Constantine Villa, all 12,000 square feet of it.
The ultimate bachelor party pad.
(CHUCKLING) Yeah. I had definitely scored first.
Your key, sir. Oh, right, right.
If there's anything else you need,
your personal butler Declan is here to serve you.
CEDRIC: Okay.
Well, thank you, Marcel Heffer.
Haffer.
(ENUNCIATING) Haffer.
"Marcel" will work just fine, thank you.
I'll call you Marc. Thank you.
(CHUCKLES) Declan!
Morning, sir. I trust everything is up to your standards, sir.
Now, I understand that you made an inquiry
about making some structural changes to your suite, Mr. Ward.
Oh, you got the poles!
Yes!
A certain member of a certain royal family
left more behind than just memories.
(LAUGHS) on.
Yes, you can almost smell the aristocratic DNA from here. (SNIFFS)
I don't know what that means.
It doesn't matter.
Now, I shall be next door.
So if you need anything, just press number one on your keypad.
Right.
Hey, hey, hey. Let me tip you, man.
No, sir, I couldn't... Please, stop.
People don't think black people tip.
I do this for the love of the job...
Well, thank you very much, sir, that would be lovely.
I wasn't gonna give it all to you.
I'll give you a certain amount, sir...
Thank you, sir.
No, thank you!
No, the 10%... Okay, you're welcome.
You gone?
(DOOR CLOSES)
♪♪
Oh, shit!
♪♪
What's that?
Oh, that's a big-ass table!
♪♪
Oh!
(TOILET FLUSHES) Phew!
The race was on.
No matter what Lauren had planned for the bachelorette party,
it didn't matter, 'cause she was already behind.
Declan, can you get that smell out of here?
Babe, we got a really great view of the Strip.
Come on, we don't have much time.
Let's go. Oh! All right.
(MOANS)
Hang on, let me get these...
I want three good shots before we go out tonight.
Three? Yeah. Yeah.
My belt is stuck. Help me. Your hands are cold. (CHUCKLES)
(UNZIPS)
Wow. (SIGHS) Yeah, no, no.
That's never happened before.
Yeah, I just need a minute. Gotta reload.
Is it me?
No, no. I just need a second.
You know what we need? What?
Role play.
Role play? Yeah.
Okay-
What, you brought stuff? Yeah, I came prepared, babe.
What's this?
This is Game of Thrones.
Yeah? Yeah.
I am Daenerys,
the virgin princess of dragon blood. (CHUCKLES)
And you, you are Khal Drogo,
my fierce nomadic king.
Take me, you barbarian! Take me!
Babe, babe, babe. I just need a second, okay?
Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Uh...
(EXHALES) I need to get stoned.
Don't tell me you brought pot through the airport.
Not pot.
Pot strips.
Breath strips as far as airport security is concerned.
Kills germs that cause bad breath
and is the equivalent of three great bong hits.
It's a great product. Jeremy, we talked about this.
We're in Vegas, Kris,
for a party weekend.
You remember what it's like to chill out and have fun, right?
You don't think I'm fun?
You're like Louis Gossett, Jr. In An Officer And A Gentleman.
I'm sorry, I didn't wanna say it.
Please. This is fun.
It's Wild!
Come On. (STUTTERING)
For your information, me and the girls
are gonna get our freak on tonight.
With Lauren in charge.
What, is she gonna enroll you in a 401 K?
You know what?
Daenerys, you actually need that more than I do.
CEDRIC: Now, by being the groom, Michael figured that
it couldn't be any easier than an uncontested lay-up.
Do you hear that?
What?
Silence.
I think we're finally alone.
(CHUCKLES)
Imagine that.
(GASPS) Oh, whoa.
Michael, careful.
I can't believe how much of a klutz I am.
Come here. Let me help you take this off. I have to. You're wet.
We have not had sex in 90 days.
So tomorrow night can be special.
No, I am not caving now.
(CHUCKLES)
Maybe I am caving a little.
Ma! (CAN DACE GASPS)
Oh, my goodness, Loretta!
Sorry, sorry. Didn't know you were here.
Of course she's here.
Your Uncle Tony sends his regrets.
(WHISPERING) Where did she come from? I have no idea.
But while I have you, I'd like for you
to sign off on the centerpieces.
Yes. Um...
Well, they're stunning,
but those are peach roses and I wanted white.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, I know.
But Fernando thought, you know,
this being your second wedding and all,
perhaps white was not appropriate.
We could always go darker.
Lavender, brick. Brick is good.
Mom. We discussed this, okay?
This is not Fernando's wedding.
This is Candace's wedding
and she would like white roses.
All right, all right. To hell with
what's appropriate and respectable.
(CHUCKLES)
I'll call Fernando right now
and just forget I was ever here. (EXHALES)
(WHISPERING) I'm sorry.
(GASPS) Um...
Um, are you in the adjoining suite?
Oh, oh, yes. What a coincidence, huh?
It is.
Oh, come on now. Don't worry.
Once the door closes you can barely hear a thing. (CHUCKLES)
Ta!
(SIGHS) (DOOR CLOSES)
Did you know that she was in the adjoining suite?
Of course not. No.
Don't you think that's a little Norman Bates
to have your mother sleeping in the next room?
On our wedding night? Yes, yes. Yes, I do.
The doors are soundproof,
and I'm sure she's gonna respect
our wishes and our privacy, so...
Okay-
LORETTA: Sorry! (GASPS)
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Forgot my cell phone.
(CHUCKLES)
Proceed.
(MUTTERING)
Norman Bates, my ass.
(GASPS) (DOOR CLOSES)
CEDRIC: Damn! That was like being blocked from behind by LeBron.
It's called pre-game jitters, people.
Happens to the best of us.
Michael's been bitched, and Jeremy's shot was flat.
Now it was time to see how Zeke was doing.
Is it steamy in here, or is it just you?
It's just me.
Okay-
What do you think?
Zeke! Uh, it's nice.
It's nice?
No, that is beautiful. I didn't expect it to look that expensive.
You didn't expect it to look this expensive?
No, you're a fashion genius.
What do you want me to say? I love it.
Babe, can't the hotel do that for you? No.
Look at this Grecian tub. Let me fix you a bath.
We got enough time for two quickies.
Stop. Stop. Not in the mood.
Not in the mood. Okay?
Besides, I'd like to be the one woman
you haven't slept with in Vegas.
(CHUCKLES) Really? Wait. Hold up.
Hmm? Mya.
I slept with one woman.
You know, counting is so damn high school.
We all have a past. It's not like I lied about mine.
Yeah, but you definitely downplayed it.
Who doesn't downplay?
You downplayed your fling with Kanye. (GASPS)
That's not the point.
All I'm saying is that I don't think it's fair
that my past is an issue and yours is not.
What I'm saying is that I feel...
(SIGHS)
I don't feel like you're being...
I don't feel like your letting me in.
How am I not letting you in?
I'm trying to let you in right now!
I'm saying you're giving me half-truths, not telling me everything.
Ask me what you wanna know. Anything?
I'll tell you whatever you wanna know.
I wanna know what you guys are doing
for the bachelor party tonight.
You know, it's nothing extravagant
because it's not in the budget. Mmm-hmm.
It's just a night out with the guys. Mmm-hmm.
Get a steak dinner, maybe some gambling.
Mmm-hmm. And hit a couple clubs.
See? I just told you and you don't believe me.
You?
Or "Zeke the Freak"?
CEDRIC: Damn! Rejected.
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ One, two, three, four Uno, do', tres, cuatro
♪ I know you want me ♪ Want me
♪ You know! want cha ♪ Want cha
♪ I know you want me
♪ You know! want cha ♪ Want cha
♪ I know you want me
♪ You know! want cha ♪ Want cha
♪ One, two, three, four Uno, do', tres, cuatro
♪ Six to tha clock, on my way to the top
♪ Pit got it locked from brews to the locker
♪ All I. P, uh, big and packer
♪ That he's not, but damn he's hot
♪ Mami got an... like a donkey, with a monkey (GROANING)
♪ Look like King Kong, welcome to the crib
♪ 305, that's what it is
♪ With a woman down here the sh...
♪ I know you want me ♪ Want me
♪ You know! want cha ♪ Want cha
♪ You know! want cha ♪ CEDRIC: Whoo!
Hey!
That was masculine. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, relax. You haven't got anything I haven't seen already
in a much, much larger size.
You know, the air comes in low, right...
Hey, Miss Loretta.
Welcome to the Constantine Villa.
Are you ready for the tour?
Are you ready to be slapped? No, ma'am.
I don't want that.
Now listen very carefully.
I've got a list of the dos and don'ts
for Michael's bachelor party tonight.
I don't think we need a list... Ah, ah, ah, ah.
My Michael is a good Christian boy.
He's always been a good Christian boy. (GRUNTS)
(SCOFFS) Some stuff... He has.
And I want him to still be a good Christian boy
when he gets married tomorrow. Hmm.
Are we clear? Yes.
Are we clear, short man?
No, we... I'm seeing through what you said.
That's how clear it is.
Thank you.
And put some clothes on.
There's nothing attractive about that.
Yes, ma'am.
Hey, Miss Loretta, you didn't have a key, did you? You just...
(DOOR CLOSES) She got ass.
CEDRIC: Well, with the warm-ups looking pretty bleak,
we had to turn to the one member of our team that
we could always count on to score.
So, how are you?
Good. Great, actually.
Subscriptions are up 11%
since the Michelle Obama issue,
and I just closed this amazing deal...
Baby, baby-
Yeah? How are you?
(CHUCKLES)
Better now.
Mmm. Oh, wait.
I totally forgot to ask. What?
How was it catering the TED talk?
They asked me back for next year.
Really? And the best part.
Chef Cotillard told me I had a gift.
In fact, he's making me and the guys
a special tasting menu just for us.
I am so proud of you.
Thank you.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Don't get it.
Mmm, no, I'm just gonna see who it is. No, don't get it.
(GASPS) Oh, my God. I have to get it.
It's Lee Fox. CEO! Lauren.
(ON PHONE) Lauren, it's Lee.
Listen, a position's opened up at the parent company.
I think you'd be perfect for it.
(WHISPERS) Grabbing a shower.
Um, for what?
COO of our Global Media Group.
Are you interested?
Are you kidding me? Absolutely.
Great, I got a meeting with the board of directors this afternoon.
Things could move fast.
I need you settled in New York by the first of the month.
(DOMINIC SINGING IN SHOWER)
Wait, New York?
That is where our headquarters are located, Lauren.
I got a good feeling about this. Now go.
I did, too.
(SINGING CONTINUES)
You look beautiful in that light.
How'd it go?
It went good. Great, actually.
Dominic, we need to talk...
(KNOCKING) JEREMY: Housekeeping!
Oh, the guys are here.
Yeah. Hello.
And you know what? You should get that.
No, they can wait.
Uh, no, they'll get us put out. (KNOCKING CONTINUES)
They're so loud. That's true.
All right, I'll take care of it. Okay.
Come on, Homeo and Do-me-yet!
Open up the door, Dom. Yo, yo, yo, yo.
Whoa, whoa, button up. It's a little early.
I'm insecure enough as it is.
Let's go. Give me a sec. Give me a sec.
Oh, what up, Lauren? You look good, girl.
What kind of lotion you wearing? (MEN LAUGHING)
You been on the treadmill?
So, I gotta go.
Okay-
Is everything all right?
JEREMY: Hurry up, man.
Yeah.
Hasn't this part burned out yet?
You guys still all like each other and stuff?
(SIGHING) God, I just love you so much.
ZEKE: Damn! Come on, boy.
I love you too, babe. (IMITATING KISSING NOISES)
Get a room! We're in it!
Well, stop.
Behave. I'll be good.
Okay, please.
Hey, Lauren. Your afterglow is amazing.
DOMINIC: Move.
He was killing that.
(DOOR CLOSES) Shit.
CEDRIC: So, even though we were a little confused on how to score,
it was time for the first quarter tip-off.
Your guests are here, sir.
CEDRIC: Oh!
Hey, there they go!
Welcome to my crib, gentlemen.
Damn, C, I knew you had a good year,
but how big was your bonus, man?
Dom, you only get to be best man once.
Besides, I got a great deal.
Real good deal. I'm paying four grand a night.
ALL: What? For all this?
It's gotta be at least 10. No, it's not.
You sure you don't need us to chip in for this?
Silence! Don't insult me like that.
JEREMY: Guys, he says he's good.
Let him treat us.
Listen, me being here with my best friends,
that makes it worth every penny.
Every damn penny.
Oh, Ced, put some clothes on, man.
Hey, you guys want some drinks?
I'll have a drink. That's the only reason I'm here.
Okay. Declan, let's do that.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I thought you were trying to turn the lights on.
No.
All right, gentlemen, let's get these glasses up in the air.
To a night that we will never forget. (GLASSES CLINKING)
You guys realize this is the first time in three months
we've been together for even a drink?
Sad, what happened to us?
Work, man. Nah, relationships.
Weddings. Kids.
Fellas, that's why we need to embrace this moment,
because for one blissful night, gentlemen,
we are free from all of our obligations.
Preach on.
From all of our responsibilities, and we're definitely...
(CELL PHONE RINGING) ZEKE: Uh-Oh.
We're free from our women. How about that?
Look, mine's down. This is Zeke.
GAIL: Zeke, let me talk to Cedric. It's important.
You picked the right best man.
He knows it. You know it, too.
(WHISPERING) It's Gail. What?
She says it's important. Tell her I'm busy.
She knows I'm with you. So, why you pick up the phone?
Because it was a private number. Lower your voice.
It was a private number.
You don't answer private numbers. Give me the phone, man.
We expecting strippers to call. Just give me the phone.
Listen, you drunk Muppet. Gail.
I tried to use my credit card. It was declined.
Declined? What are you talking about? You heard me.
If I was there, I'd kick you in your throat.
I may have went over the limit a little bit.
How much, Cedric?
Gail, listen to me.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime type thing.
I'm gonna kill you! Okay, this...
(CELL PHONE BEEPS) Hello?
Hello?
Gail?
Declined?
Here you go, sir. This should make you feel a little better.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you, Declan.
I'm serious, I needed that right now.
This is so refreshing
to finally live with someone who understands me.
Oh, likewise, sir.
I think we're like soul brothers from different mothers.
I don't think that's it, but...
(MEN LAUGHING)
BENNETT: I'll have some more.
ZEKE: So what's the plan, Ced?
See those “vets fight there'?
I made those up for the after-party.
Now look, each guy here is responsible
for five girls a piece.
That's how I did the math. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25.
Guys, guys... I make 30, okay?
Guys! I don't need this.
Tomorrow is the biggest day of my life.
Here we go. MICHAEL: Get to marry my queen.
I need you guys on point and on time.
No, you're right.
Did you remember to wax your vagina for the weekend?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Think like a man! Just for five minutes.
I am acting like a man.
CEDRIC: You're not acting like a man.
You got the rest of your life to follow
this woman around a grocery store.
Stop! Tomorrow's a big day.
This is your bachelor party, Michael.
And this is wisdom.
CEDRIC: I'm your best man.
Let me do my job. I done printed these flyers and shit.
Why don't we see a show or something?
Mmm, don't worry, there will be a show.
Wait. Criss Angel's still in town.
We could start off there.
Jersey Boy won eight Tonys.
CEDRIC: We had decided to run the motion offense.
Which means keep moving and keep your problems to yourself.
The maid of honor was about to put her game plan into effect.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Or so she thought.
LORETTA: Hello, sweetie.
I heard you were having a little get-together for the bridesmaids
and thought I'd bring a few refreshments.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Ah, ah, ah.
You won't be needing this.
Oh, another one.
LORETTA: Put the tea over to the left.
Girls are gonna love this.
Ladies. ALL: Hey!
Sonia! You came already.
My God, your outfit is so cute. Thank you!
But it is not complete without
this.
WOMEN: Aw. There you go.
Thank you, guys-
KRISTEN: You know what, though?
I think there's still something missing.
MYA: Does feel like something's missing.
There's definitely something missing.
Ta-da!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Candace, meet Idris.
SONIA: Give me your arm.
Awful. Come here.
So you can get used to being chained
to one man for the rest of your life.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, my very own Idris. Let's hit the pool.
♪♪
♪ Too legit, too legit to quit
♪ Too legit, too legit to quit ♪
Mr. Ward?
Yes!
Hey, guys. I'm sorry, she just called me. Let me get through y'all.
Excuse me, I'm sorry. Just let me get through.
Excuse me! Sorry! Hercules.
Hi. Hey.
Welcome to Venus pool. I'm Leikula.
I'm Cedric. How are you?
I just spoke with Declan and we have your cabana prepared.
I'm following you.
Perfect. Patience.
Wow. Oh, yeah.
CEDRIC: Every player knows during the day,
the real action's at the pool.
It's the place to hook up and strut your stuff
and check out everyone else's.
And the best part? Chlorine kills everything.
Is this a topless pool?
Nah, Mike. They just got T-shirts with their breasts on them.
Why do you think the line was so long, baby? Come on, man.
I hope this meets your expectations.
Oh, no. Sweetie, this has exceeded our expectations.
Thank you.
You're welcome. Enjoy. I appreciate it.
Okay. Huh?
What'd I tell you? All right.
What'd I tell you? Oh!
I suggest you all look at some of this scattered ass around here.
We thought we hit the jackpot.
But the danger of Vegas is the mirage it creates.
The men were putting on a cool front.
But let me tell you something.
From underneath, trouble was brewing like a pressure cooker.
(SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGHING)
(SHUSHING)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
CANDACE: Do you see what I am walking around with?
I see it.
CEDRIC: Unfortunately for the girls,
their set offense had run into a nasty zone defense.
Oh, shit!
(WHISPERING FRANTICALLY)
Un-cuff me! I don't have the key.
Un-cuff me!
I got it. Watch out.
(AIR HISSING)
Ladies.
Hi! Hi!
Just go. Hide the cuffs. LORETTA: Come right on in.
High tea.
Damn! Look at that.
Dude, can you imagine having a woman like that?
Just keep this in mind.
For every supermodel you see, every hot girl you see,
there's some dude that's sick of her shit.
Zeke, you and Mya having problems again, man?
Obviously.
She's suddenly fixated with my past.
That whole "Zeke the Freak" thing.
CEDRIC: Oh, God!
Imagine that.
Take a second to look at this damn view.
This is what it's about, man!
Fellas! (BENNETT SNORING)
Bennett!
Get your ass up!
What's wrong with you? Clay Aiken! Asleep.
What are you all doin'?
MotorStorm: Apocalypse, baby!
JEREMY: And somehow, he's whooping my ass!
I'm about to whoop both your asses.
Do you know where you are right now?
At the pool.
We're in Vegas! Why are you screaming?
Mr. Ward? Yes.
Care for another drink? You know what?
Mmm-hmm. (SLURPING)
Yes. You know what? Give me something strong.
And give me five more shots of testosterone
for these ladies that I'm with right now.
Thank you. Yes.
Boy, I'd like to climb that mountain right there, I'll tell you that much.
That is a big badonkadonk.
All of a sudden, you're good at video games, huh?
Listen, I play this every night with Duke.
Duke's a great kid. He cracks me up.
You know what he asked me earlier today?
If, after the wedding, if it would be okay if he called me "Dad".
Time out.
Let me ask you a question.
That doesn't freak you out at all?
What?
Out of nowhere, all of a sudden... Boom!
You're an instant dad, just like that.
You're responsible for this whole other human.
No. Not a cat, not a dog.
This is a human, with teeth and hair and bones and blood.
What if they hurt somebody? What if they get kidnapped?
Or if they kidnap somebody?
Either way, it's all down to you
for the rest of your life.
That doesn't freak you out?
No. I'm excited about it.
I don't even know why I ask you stuff.
I want you to stand up and enjoy this...
Wow! What?
Man, you gotta take one of these.
(STAMMERING) What's that?
We're looking for people for amateur night.
Oh, you're looking at the wrong people, man.
You need to be looking in the pool.
You got your pick of the litter out there.
They look good, but we need some men, and you fit the bill.
Oh, no, no, no. Yeah.
'Cause I got my shirt off,
you probably judging by my amazing Physique that
that's my cup of tea, it's not.
There's huge cash prizes.
You come down, you win some money...
I'll take one. Bennett, sit your ass down.
Free hot buffet.
So, some hot chick just rolls up on you.
She's like, "Do you mind helping me with a little bit of suntan lotion?"
What do you do?
It'd never happen, but I'd stand my ground.
Hello, Blue Eyes.
I was hoping you could help me.
There's a couple of spots I can't reach.
(CHUCKLES)
I probably, probably shouldn't.
You probably should. Hmm.
What, you're in a relationship or something?
Uh... (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
Yeah. Yeah, lam.
So am I.
Really? This is Vegas, baby.
Lighten up.
You heard her, Dom. It's Veg-Ass.
Vegas. Yep.
I love her.
All right.
CEDRIC: Sweetie, sit down.
Let me show you how it is around here. Okay, no.
'Cause my hands...
I'm sorry, did you just spit at me?
'Cause we gonna talk about that.
Excuse me, what is going on? Talk to me.
(STAMMERING)
(MOCKS STAMMERING)
Spit it out, Dom!
It didn't... What didn't?
She just wasn't quite... She wasn't what?
She wasn't tall enough. Dom, let me tell you something.
You know that men spend their entire life savings to go to Brazil?
You just had Brazil come over here,
and you're gonna turn it away?
You know what, y'all?
I'm sick of this Non-tourage.
'Cause that's what I'm with right now.
I'm gonna get me a new crew.
Ced, you being dramatic.
I'ma roll with some sailors and some congressmen.
Republicans! Shut up, Bennett!
You know, I'm done.
Turn up, that's what I'll do.
I'ma have me a good time.
You gonna join the fun? Girl, you damn right I'ma join the fun!
(WOMEN CHEERING)
Yeah!
See what I'm saying? Y'all wanna sit over here on lounge chairs.
I'm about to get in the water with some titties.
That's what I tried to give you, Mike.
You didn't want this life, I'm gonna take it!
(SHOUTING)
(ALL CHEERING)
It's too deep! I can't swim!
(CHUCKLES) It's like Finding Nemo.
(SCREAMING)
One of you bitches grab me!
Should we help him?
Nah.
Seams: Help!
Turns out, I wasn't the only one in need of rescuing.
Ah! Where was I?
ALL: The article.
Yes, yes, yes, the article in the O Magazine.
They talked about all the craziness that goes on
in these bachelor and bachelorette parties.
I read the same article.
And the women are getting just as wild as the men.
Mmm-hmm. With the Magic Mike strippers
and the bridesmaids dares.
Or faking an orgasm, you know.
(MOANING)
All of that in a crowded bar.
Or doing Jello shots off a stranger's abs?
I don't know why women can't have just as much fun as men.
MYA: She's right. Getting a lap dance
at your bachelor party is expected.
But if women have fun...
You're whores!
Did she just call us whores? Yeah.
Fortunately,
I don't have to worry about all that behavior with you, Candace.
(CHUCKLES) All that girlish foolishness.
You're much too old for that! (ALL GASPING)
Much too old.
I heard you the first "old".
So, what are you guys gonna do tonight?
Urn, nothing too wild, you know, just girl time,
you know, girls of the same age.
And cocktails at a couple clubs.
Maybe take in a show.
Good. Then you'll have plenty of time.
Time? Uh, time for what?
(WHISPERING) I've gotta get away from her.
I know, I know.
Anybody got any sleeping pills?
Don't worry. I can get rid of her.
How? I can handle that old battle-ax.
Ladies, I've got another surprise. (ALL GROANING)
We've got reservations tonight... Uh-uh! Oh!
Excuse me. Miss Loretta,
I am so sorry to disappoint you, sweetie,
but we already have plans.
I was able to squeeze in
a reservation for five at Nobu. Corner booth.
Isn't that a coincidence? How so?
Andre the concierge
was able to score reservations
for seven tonight at Nobu.
At the head table. So we're going, girls!
I can't believe you were gonna exclude Tish.
Damn, she's good!
Welcome to the rest of my life.
Okay, you guys, there's gotta be something that we can do.
What does Miss Loretta want or need?
She needs to get laid.
(GASPS) Wait a minute.
When does your Uncle Eddie arrive?
Didn't you say he flirted with her at the couple's party?
No, it will never happen.
Never say never in Vegas.
Floyd "Money" Mayweather! I'ma get my dollar sign...
Ow! Ow! ALL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Stop!
Floyd! Can you let him go, man? Please!
Let him go! Let him go! Bennett, get up!
BENNETT: He's way too aggressive!
Listen, Floyd, he didn't mean no harm, man.
He just a fan, that's all.
I follow you on Twitter and MySpace.
That's all that is.
Dude, we didn't mean no disrespect.
We here, my friend's getting married.
We having a bachelor party tonight.
We gonna do it at the Caesar's in the Constantine Villa.
Nice.
I'm just trying to splurge and show him a good time.
That's what you call $40,000 a night?
Oh, he doesn't have a gold card. That's the problem.
Dude, one of you guys gotta research that for him.
You know what? You gotta just look that up yourself,
but it's a good investment.
Let me get you this.
This is where we gonna be at tonight.
Just read it, guys! It's a flyer, man!
Here, Floyd? Floyd, can you see me?
Let me slide it.
Floyd, can you get that?
Get the flyer.
Floyd, did you see it? All right, that's where we at, man.
I'm gonna come check this out.
Cool. Well, okay... You know, you all goin'.
'Cause you all got stuff to do. Goin', man. Thank you again.
BENNETT: There goes Justin Bieber's best friend!
Champ, champ, champ!
CEDRIC: In this battle of the sexes,
whichever group came back with the best stories would win,
and I was determined to keep us ahead of the girls.
This is where it happens at, fellas. Okay?
We on home base right now, casino floor.
Now look, let's pick our poison. Oh!
What is your problem, Bennett? Where you goin'?
Slots! Pharaoh's fortune.
Tish gave me 200 bucks to gamble with this weekend.
Bennett, you walking around with a purse on,
you talking about playing slots?
What is your problem?
It's a fanny-pack, it's not a purse.
I don't care what it is, it's attached to your spine!
What's wrong with slots?
Everything is wrong with slots!
We're not a group of old women
that just bussed in here from Bakersfield!
Now listen to me. We came here as a group
and we gonna play as a group. Let's play Blackjack.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
I only played blackjack once and I lost 300 bucks.
So what? JEREMY: I lost 600.
Spring Break, my junior year,
it was my entire money for weed the whole semester.
I almost dropped out of school. Okay, now. Hey! Hey!
Y'all got negativity floating all in the air!
I'ma take it,
and I'ma put it in my pocket, and guess what?
You're not getting that back. Okay?
Now we will keep the fun train going.
Let's keep tchoo-tchooing, guys!
You rolling with the pros. Just follow our lead.
Thank you, Dom! Thank you. No!
Guys, there comes a time in a man's life
when he has to take a stand.
Can I go play slots?
Take your ass to that slot machine.
Don't bring that negative energy here!
Is there a bathroom that way?
What are you doing? Mike?
Guys, can I get a second with Mike?
Guys, I'm just going to the...
Just y'all go ahead. Just go ahead.
Take all the time you want.
Dude, what is going on?
I cannot do the job that you asked me to do
if you don't allow it.
I got a great time for you, man.
I got some shit set up.
We gonna have a good... Dom! I told you don't pick no table!
Ladies, shall we?
Oh!
Damn it!
Hit me. You split those!
You said never split the aces!
I said always split the aces!
You feeling all right?
Don't be getting in my head, Randy, all right? Hit it.
Damn it!
Hit me, baby, hit me!
Oh!
The greens are how much?
CEDRIC: Twenty-five.
Ah! Ooh!
Oh, God! You gotta be kidding me!
Ced, Ced, come on, man.
I'll give you some chips, yo!
No!
This ain't over, Randy. I'm here every night, son.
This ain't over.
Yes, can I please have a martini, straight up?
Uh-uh, come here, come here, come here.
Cancel that. (GASPS)
Candace. Huh?
Alcohol is the leading cause of hangovers and bloating.
I am glad I'm not the bride.
Ladies, I've got another surprise.
Tickets to see Dionne Warwick tonight, fifth row center!
TISH: Score! (LORETTA LAUGHING)
Dionne Warwick?
Yeah, you...
You told me you and your mother love Dionne Warwick, right?
Right, but I...
Good, then. It's settled. (LAUGHING)
Thanks, Candace.
HOSTESS: Hanover bridal party is right over there.
Uncle Eddie? EDDIE: Ladies.
CANDACE: Uncle Eddie! What are you doing here? Oh.
I had to come and toast my favorite little niece before her big day!
(QUIETLY) I got your message. Thank you.
♪♪
Miss Loretta.
I'm so sorry to hear about the untimely passing of Deacon Johnson.
I know what it's like to have loved and lost.
If there's anything, and I do mean anything
I can do to help,
just let me know.
Now, how many times have you used that line on a woman?
I've said it plenty of times
to plenty of women, Miss Loretta.
But it's the first time I've said it to a lady.
Ooh.
Excuse me,
she also has tickets to go see Dionne Warwick tonight.
And no one to go with. Nobody.
Dionne Warwick? No kidding.
You know, my church choir just sang I Say a Little Prayer...
Hallelujah! (WOMEN LAUGHING)
If you'd allow me to buy one of these tickets...
No, no! You can have mine.
Please. Take mine!
Hey, hey, hey!
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'd love to accompany you.
How about it's my treat?
I mean, after all, That's What Friends Are For.
Looks like Miss "Whore-etta" is back in the saddle.
♪♪
CEDRIC: Momentum had suddenly swung in the girls' direction.
And the guys were about to commit the first of many turnovers.
Word on the street is,
Kristen is trying to have a baby like right now, J.
Right?
Word on the street. Uh, yeah.
No, we're both really excited about it.
When you ain't getting no sex,
let's see how excited you are.
You ain't lying about that!
"I don't feel sexy right now."
You ready for fatherhood or what?
Fatherhood's gonna be awesome, Jeremy.
Thanks, Big Mouth.
I think Jeremy's fears are somewhat justified.
Think about it. How does a child raise a child?
Wow, Zeke, really?
Finally! You too, Mike?
No, my frat brothers.
Isaac and Terrell just got in town.
These two are the biggest party animals I've ever met.
Hopefully, they can contain you.
'Cause you such a wild animal.
Maybe you can find a water park.
Chef. The tasting menu is exquisite.
My friends and I, we thank you. It's incredible.
He has to say that.
How about the rest of you?
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Uh, how about perfection?
It's amazing.
Uh, Michel, a round of whatever it is they want.
So, fellas, if you could spare your friend, I have a few minutes
if you want a tour of the restaurant.
Lead the way.
I love Ratatouille. It's one of my favorites.
CHEF: So, Dominic,
I took a look over your prospectus,
And I must say I'm very impressed.
But I'm not looking to invest in another restaurant.
Right.
'Cause I am opening a new one myself
and I'm in the market for a new sous chef.
And I think you are my guy.
Me'? Ah, oui.
Your new sous chef?
Well, say something.
Are you really offering this to me? Now?
Your fusion tapas inspired a whole new entree,
which is a fancy way of saying I stole them.
I can't believe this is happening.
Did I mention my last three sous chefs
went on to create their own restaurants?
That's the dream. And you could be next.
They are breaking ground
on the new space at Planet Hollywood.
Why don't you stop and take a look?
Planet Hollywood? Here in Vegas?
Oui.
Excuse me, Chef?
Ah.
I really think this can be huge.
Yeah.
I'm very excited about this.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Oh, boy.
♪♪
Ladies. You guys.
I'm gonna say goodnight to you now.
Thank you so much for including me
in the day, it was so much fun.
It was our pleasure. Thank you.
Tish, what are you gonna do tonight?
Well, I'm gonna have a "mom-cation".
I'm going to play the slots a little bit by myself
and then I'll just go nose around the gift shops by myself,
take selfies with the statues by myself.
I don't know, just like drink alone in my room.
It might be a crazy night, but you're more than welcome to join us.
That's so sweet. Yeah, come.
Fine, I'll do it! Yay!
I do not wanna be alone in my room in Vegas.
Okay, Tish.
If you're gonna join the bachelorette party, I have one cardinal rule.
You must dress up. Yeah.
Yeah, because we have to be able to get into the club.
So you're gonna have to pull it together a little bit.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Like, belt it? No.
You know what? I have a different twin set.
That's rule number two, is that you can't wear a twin set ever.
Okay-
Get a cute little dress and some shoes, some heels.
These are the highest heels I'm allowed to wear,
because I have rolling arches. Mmm-mmm.
Well, this is all I brought,
so I don't know what else you want me to wear.
ALL: Bebe!
Come, come, come.
♪♪
♪ Bands they make her dance apocalyptic
♪ Bands they make her dance apocalyptic now
♪ Bands they make her dance apocalyptic
♪ Smash, smash, bang, bang
♪ Hey, baby
♪ But I need to know
♪ If the world says it's time to go
♪ Tell me, will you freak out?
♪ Smash, smash, bang, bang
♪ Don't stop!
♪ Smash, smash, bang, bang
♪ Don't stop! Chalangalangalang ♪
CEDRIC: Shots up! (ALL WHOOPING)
Hey, to Mike! I'm sending you off the right way.
I'm the best best man anybody can have! Ha-ha!
(GROANS)
♪♪
♪ Hey, big spender
♪ Hey, big spender ♪
(MEN WHOOPING)
♪♪
CEDRIC: You want Ceddy, baby?
Coco, did I ever tell you that I love a woman in uniform?
CEDRIC: Did I tell you I love a woman without a uniform? Go, Coco!
Dom. You all right?
Yeah, I'm good. You been really down since dinner.
Seriously, what's up, man? Stop babysitting your drink, Dom.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Oh, yes, you are fine.
ALL: Ooh!
I think she likes you.
No, Dom, we can see when the wheels are turning, man.
Come on, outwith it.
Chef Cotillard offered me a job.
What did he say?
The Chef offered him a gig.
That's huge, Dom!
ZEKE: That's a celebration right there. Especially if I take it.
Why wouldn't you take it? It's in Vegas.
Lauren and I live in LA. ZEKE: This is a pattern with him.
It's called the Dom Syndrome.
It's called, he's officially her bitch.
That, too.
What are you all talking about?
We talking about the fact that she dumped you, and you took her back!
I know what I want. Stop!
So, now you telling me you gonna give up the job of your dreams,
The job that could make you, for that woman?
For the woman. Spoken like a true...
Do not say it again.
It's actually kinda romantic.
You swimming in the Kool-Aid.
No, what good is a dream job if he's gonna be miserable?
Let me ask you a question. Do you all synchronize your cycles?
There's an app for that, and I'm serious. (LAUGHS)
But wait, I got one question, then I'ma back off.
Do you honestly believe that she would do the same for you?
CEDRIC: Whoa! Wait a minute!
Good question, Zeke. How do you do it? Tell me.
ANNOUNCER: Can we have Coco to the main stage?
Let me help you down. Jesus.
Excuse me, Coco. Thank you for the dancing.
It's show time. My frat brothers,
Isaac and Terrell? They just showed up.
CEDRIC: There they go!
What's up, man? I'm Cedric.
I'm the best man with the plan. What's up, baby?
Ced, it's not them.
Oh.
Hey. Hey.
There they go! (CHEERING)
ALL: Birds of a feather all flock together.
(ALL SQUAWKING)
What fraternity did Mike pledge?
Abercrombie and Fitch Epsilon. Mmm-hmm.
This is Isaac and this is Terrell.
What kinda white woman names her son Terrell?
I'm just messing with you!
CEDRIC: Chain him up!
Get it on.
MICHAEL: Guys, guys, guys!
Why didn't you think of that, Zeke?
Probably because black men don't put chains on black men.
White men put chains on black men. Django.
D is silent. I saw that movie.
Hey, guys, what's a pickaninny?
Guys, you gotta meet my frat brothers.
This is Isaac.
ISAAC: How are you doing, little guy? And this is Terrell, guys.
I've heard so much about you guys, and none of it is true.
Where are your drinks, ladies?
Come on! What is this?
Is this a Shirley Temple and a club soda?
ISAAC: Whose bar mitzvah is this? You gotta take this night...
(GRUNTS) Absolutely.
You and me are gonna die tonight. Let's go.
MICHAEL: I told you, you're gonna love these guys.
Mmm-mmm.
(WOMEN CHEERING)
Yes!
Whoo!
Come on, Tish!
♪♪
Girl, those are three-inch heels.
These shoes are killing me.
Miss Harris? I'm JP, your driver. Yes?
Ladies, your ride awaits.
Wait! This is our ride?
It is now!
Wait, you stole the boys' ride?
Genius!
After you, ladies!
I love that!
How are they gonna get around?
Who cares? That's not our problem.
CEDRIC: Whoa, whoa! Hey, yo, what the hell is this?
This isn't my ride. Dude, I ordered
the pimped-out party bus with a stripper pole in it.
It's got a pole. Cedric, what the hell is that?
Zeke, don't start, man.
I'm liking your gay vibe, man.
Stop. Everybody stop for a second.
Hey, do we look like a group of guys that's
gonna roll to a spot in something like this?
Huh. As a matter of fact, you do.
Man, this is Vegas. I've seen it all.
Are you gonna get in the car?
'Cause you're getting charged regardless.
Dude, I'm not gonna argue with you. We walking.
Ced, you know how long these Vegas blocks are?
Let's do it!
I'm getting in the car, bro.
20% gratuity is non-refundable.
CEDRIC: The women had not only taken our ride, they had taken our mojo.
All right, what's on the agenda?
Oh, actually, I have about 10 agendas for us this evening.
I fear them already.
As you should.
Okay, the first one is... (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Is someone vibrating?
You're not gonna answer that, are you?
Put it on silent. (ALL YELLING)
I have to get this. Hello, Lauren Harris.
WOMAN ON PHONE: Please hold for Lee Fox.
Who wants a cocktail? ALL: Me!
All right.
Ooh, that food was garlicky. You guys got any gum?
I think I have something in my purse, side pocket.
I'll have one of those.
SONIA: I definitely need one.
TISH: Me, me, me.
And a Benadryl, if you have one. SONIA: Pass me one.
Earthy.
LEE: Lauren, it's Lee. Hi, Lee.
All I can say is congratulations. It's unanimous.
You're officially COO of our global media group.
Did you hear me?
Yes. I'm...
I'm just, I'm stunned. I'm speechless.
Welcome to the Big Apple, Lauren Harris.
And to the big leagues.
Now go, have fun with your bridesmaids.
We'll lunch on Monday.
Okay, here we go. There you go.
Are you okay?
(SIGHS)
Lauren?
TISH: Someone's gonna throw up later. SONIA: You're ready to party.
Let's go!
TERRELL: Vegas! Whoo!
♪♪
(LAUGHS)
Hello, Sofia. How are you?
I'm wonderful, Zeke.
Guys, guys.
This is the lovely Sofia. Sofia, this is the boys.
Hello. Hey.
CEDRIC: How's it going? Easy. Easy.
Let's go. Take your time, man.
Let's give him some space.
So, how are you?
CEDRIC: Zeke had to call a time-out
After running into yet another old flame,
who made it clear her life was much better without him.
Turns out that he was still holding on
to the fantasized memories of his past!
But the real question was,
if ladies no longer saw him as Zeke the Freak,
then who was he? Ooh!
Let me ask you something, how did you let that slip away?
I think I was just an asshole.
Sometimes, you gotta wait to find the right woman.
The perfect woman. And that's who you marry.
Zeke ain't getting married! What the hell is going on?
We here to have a bachelor party, men! (CHEERING)
Can we do that?
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Saying the same thing over and over again
to you all, man.
Nobody answer any phones.
Solidarity, brothers! I like that.
Gailzilla ain't gonna mess up my trip this time.
What did you call me, Cedric? You know I can hear you.
What do you want, Gail?
Why the hell do I have over $40,000 worth of charges
on my frozen company credit card?
What're you talkin' about, 40,000 what?
You're dead, Cedric. You are dead!
MAN: Baby, who you talking to?
Who was that? I gotta go.
Gail! This isn't over.
Everything all right, C?
I gotta... God damn it!
Is Gail here?
Don't worry about it, I'll go get him.
You guys go ahead. I'll meet you at Planet Hollywood.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) Whoa!
This music is so intense!
Yeah. The beat just moved right through me.
TISH: I feel like I'm on a conveyor belt.
♪♪
These bitches are trippin'!
Excuse me. I'm so sorry. Sorry.
Uh...
Hey, Marcel!
Mr. Ward. How can I help you?
I think there's a little glitch with my bill.
Well, let's have a look, shall we?
I booked the Constantine Villa
under a very special promotion on my gold card
for 4,000 a night. Mmm-hmm. No. "Off."
I'm sorry, what? Pardon? What'd you say?
The promotion is for $4,000 discount a night.
Normally, the Constantine is $44,000 a night,
but with your special promotion,
you are getting an amazing savings.
Plus, you're getting 40,000 gold points.
I don't give a damn about them gold points.
You know what, Marcel?
Actually, you know what I just realized? What?
That room is too much. It's too big. Too big?
'Cause it's too big for one person.
It's cold, it's lonely. I can't sleep.
Do you think I can move to a more, lesser, a more lesser room?
Smaller room?
Something smaller, with one bed?
Absolutely, I can do that for you.
There would be no additional charge
since you are staying in the Constantine tonight,
which requires our standard 72-hour cancellation.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Um, but you know, you know what, Mr. Ward,
Oh.
I think that we can see to just charging you for the one night.
One night? Does that help?
Yeah.
Is there something else I can help you with?
Where is the... Where's the ATM?
The ATM is right there.
Marcel, just say it, where?
To your right. Over here?
Just right over there. Whose is this?
This is for guests as they enter. Well, I need it.
Ced, what happened? What are you doing?
I gotta win some money, Dom. For what?
I gotta win money right now.
Ced, wait! Stop, stop. Talk to me.
What, Dom, what? What happened?
The room was a lot more than I expected it to be.
All right, cool. So, how much?
$36,000 a night more.
You ain't got it, Dom.
My heart, man!
Give it back, man. Just give it back.
Ced, one second.
Just tell me what happened.
What do you mean, tell you what happened?
I just told you what happened, Dom!
Am I speaking Spanish? Huh?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
I got you. No, you don't got me!
What makes it worse is I put the entire $40,000 on Gail's company card.
What did you do that for?
You think I meant to do it? Shut up!
She gonna kick yo ass. No shit, Dom!
You're saying everything I know,
you making this a lot worse!
You think?
I gotta get my life back and fix it.
The only way I'ma fix it is the way I know how.
I gotta win my money back.
But Ced, here's the problem.
No one ever wins when they need to in Vegas.
Who are you, Nega-Tron?
I got two words for you, Rain Man.
Rain Man, right, okay, let me call the guys.
No, you're not calling nobody!
This is Michael's day, man.
I'm not gonna ruin this for him, all right?
And I don't want those guys around me while I'm gambling!
They gonna throw off my vibe.
Now what I need you to do, I need you to be my friend.
Be my wingman right now. Buy me an hour.
All right.
One hour, Dom, that's all I need.
Heart Bar. Meet us there in one hour.
One hour, that's all I need. One hour, Ced.
I just told you the time, Dom!
Don't say it no more!
Stressing me out!
What do you think the boys are doing? ALL: Strip club!
Michael specifically said that he did not want
one of those skanky Vegas ho weekends,
and he hates strip clubs.
Girl, they are men!
And what about his creepy little best man?
And let's not get started on his first lieutenant!
I don't give a damn where they're at or what they're doing
or if they have stoned sperm
or if they even want kids or not!
Wow! What did Jeremy do? Not me!
He compared me to Louis Gossett Jr.!
ALL: No!
Apparently, I'm not fun anymore.
You are so fun!
I know! Exactly! Next round's on me. Gotcha.
Speaking of fun,
for your challenge at the Gallery Club, Miss Hall,
you have to dance on a bar, table or in a go-go cage!
No! (ALL CHEERING)
♪♪
You think Jeremy's right?
'Cause they say
where you're at in your sex life
is where you're at in real life.
What if I'm just controlling, you know?
What if I am a drill sergeant?
♪♪
I'm fun, all right?
I'm fun, okay? Whoo!
♪♪
I'm back, Randy.
DJ: All right. We're gonna take you guys back to the '90s.
♪♪ (ALL SHOUTING)
♪ Girl, I must warn you
♪ I sense something strange in my mind
♪ Yeah, yo
♪ Situation is serious
♪ Let's cure it 'cause we're running out of time
(ALL CHEERING)
♪ It's driving me out of my mind
♪ That's why it's hard for me to find
♪ Can't get it out of my head
♪ Miss her, kiss her, love her...
Hey, here you guys are.
Cedric okay? Yeah, he's good.
Where is my best man?
Still the best. You guys need another round? It's on me.
I'm full, man.
♪♪
♪ If I were you I'd take precaution
♪ Before I start to meet a fly girl
♪ You know, she's so fly
♪ She'll drive you right out of your mind
♪ Steal your heart when you're blind
♪ Beware she's schemin'
♪ She'll make you think you're dreamin'
♪ You'll fall in love and you'll be screamin' demon...
Cedric got about two more minutes
and then I'm designating you the best man.
You know what? Let's do some shots!
I gotta pee.
Yeah, hurry back.
Told you not to break the seal. You'll be peeing all night.
♪♪ (ALL CHEERING)
♪ Moving it slow
♪ Looking for a mellow fellow like De Voe
♪ Getting paid, laid, so better lay low
♪ Scheming on house, money, and the whole show
♪ The low pro ho should be cut like an Afro
♪ See what you're sayin', huh, she's way into you
♪ But I know she's a loser
♪ How do you know?
♪ Me and the crew used to do her
(WHOOPING)
♪♪
All right, let's do another shot.
Guys, I'm ready to go downstairs to see my best man on a table.
It actually looked like he was up. (ALL CHEERING)
Your bachelor party!
♪♪
♪ Poison! Poison! Poison! Poison!
♪ Poison!
Stop it!
♪♪
♪ I was at the bar shake, breakin' and takin' 'em all
♪ And that night I played the wall
♪ Checkin' out the fellas, the highs and lows
♪ Keeping one eye open, still clocking the hoes
♪ There was one particular girl that stood out from the rest
♪ Poison as can be, the high power chest
♪ The bride is here, and I'm running the show
♪ Ladies, now you know
(LAUGHTER)
♪ Now you know
♪ Everybody, blow
♪ Poison ♪
(ALL CHEERING)
(SHOUTING)
♪♪
Sorry I'm not the perfect woman
for your perfect son, Miss "Whore-etta!"
But I want my white roses, biatch!
♪♪
CEDRIC: Hey.
(ALL CHEERING)
Hell, yeah!
They gonna fire you, man!
You ain't gonna be able to work here no more.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: In other business news,
Yanex Media has promoted Lauren Harris
COO of its global media division.
Miss Harris has quickly risen
to the top of the conglomerate's Los Angeles office,
and will change coast to helm operations
at Yanex's hub in New York City,
one of the nation's biggest...
What the hell? Yes!
What's going on?
I texted you like 27 times!
Listen to me! Dude, it's been an hour!
Don't come over here with that negative energy!
Okay? Not right now, man, I'm up!
I'm up like eight grand, and I can win a lot more.
Go over there, go throw a ball or something!
Listen! Are you the best man or the worst man?
The worst man?
Oh, okay.
I don't see any boobs in his face.
Wow. You know what? You're 100% right.
J.Crew and Ralph Lauren are right, man.
Dude, I'm serious, Mike. I've abandoned you.
You didn't abandon me. No, Mike, stop.
I abdicated my duties and my responsibilities
for my own personal wants and needs!
Cedric, you're good, you just been gambling.
That's not why you made me best man!
You made me your best man because I'm responsible.
(LAUGHS) And you can trust me, unlike anybody else here.
Tomorrow's a new day, gentlemen, but tonight,
tonight, Cedric is back on duty. You hear me? Okay?
Let's go, guys!
And, Randy, it's been a pleasure.
Right behind you, Bennett.
Go ahead, Zeke. Hey.
What did I ask you for? I said buy me some time.
I did the best I could!
I could have had all the money back, Dom!
Damn!
Guys, it's midnight. It's midnight. Guys, guys, listen.
And this is not the alcohol talking, guys,
this is the biggest day of my life, gentlemen.
This is the day I get to marry the woman of my dreams, man.
Come here, man. 'Cause I know how you feel.
This is the 15th. This is my wedding day.
And there's nobody I'd rather be with.
Mike, you said today's the 15th?
Yeah, the day I get to marry Candace. Oh, my God, that's a sign.
Mike, stop! I get it.
You're getting married. People do it every day. Stop.
This is a sign!
Of our love.
Mike, will you shut up?
Please! Listen, I lost my virginity when I was 15, okay?
On the 15th.
Me and Gail have been separated 15 times. It's a sign!
God, I get it!
It's a sign!
Just calm down!
(ALL SHOUTING)
$10,000 on black 15.
You're melting down! Get it together!
Listen to me!
All that negative energy you're putting in the air,
take it out right now!
This is a sign. $10,000, black 15. Right now. Move.
$10,000 on 15, table max.
CEDRIC: Don't nobody talk to me right now.
We shouldn't let him do this.
Cedric, are you serious?
Zeke, don't talk to me no more.
Somebody say something else to me,
I'm gonna get really upset. It's a sign!
Are you letting him do this?
CEDRIC: (WHISPERS) Black 15.
Cedric. Black 15.
Black 15!
(SINGSONG) Black 15!
CROUPIER: No more bets!
Black 15.
Winner, black 15, winner.
Yes, yes, yes! I told you!
♪♪
$350,000!
I told you! Whoo!
Cedric.
You didn't win. Hold on, Zeke. Wait, stop, stop!
Where's my money? I put $10,000 right there.
I was trying to help you, so I made a safer bet for you.
You did what?
Remember what you said? Negativity...
So, I don't get the $350,000?
Listen to me! Do I have $350,000?
Wait a minute, Ceddy. Take it out of the air.
Hold on, Zeke. Hold on, man.
(GRUNTING) (ALL SHOUTING)
I'm gonna choke you out!
Get your hands off me!
I'm gonna kill you, Zeke! I'm gonna kill you!
Get off of me!
I'm good. Get off me. Where's Zeke going? I just wanna talk to him.
MICHAEL: Zeke, run! He's coming after you!
CEDRIC: It was the third quarter,
and it was still anybody's game.
I can't believe you guys are hungry again.
We need our energy after that performance.
True. Look, it's midnight!
It's officially your wedding day!
Oh, my God, it is!
What's wrong? It's all right to have wedding day jitters.
It's not that. I was just thinking,
when you marry someone, you marry their family.
And I can't marry Miss Loretta. She hates me!
Hate is a strong word.
And she is a strong woman! She's a bitch.
Yeah, she is.
And no matter how hard he tries,
with a mother like Loretta,
Michael is always gonna be a mama's boy.
Accept what you cannot change, or it will destroy you.
My grandma Eleanor told me that the day I married Bennett,
and it's gotten me through 15 wonderful years of marriage.
I feel like that's so passive!
What, did you just give up?
I believe that I can affect change in my relationship.
You can, but you can't change a man's nature.
Exactly. She's right.
You can't force a man to do anything.
Gotta let it happen naturally.
So, basically, I'm just wasting my time.
Nobody's saying you're wasting your time.
You're still mad over the Zeke the Freak thing.
Yes! No!
I'm not mad about that, it's just, I feel like he's pulling away,
and every time I talk about this wedding
or your dress or the fact that I'm a bridesmaid,
he gets this look on his face where he just looks horrified.
Maybe he's just afraid of being married.
But I never said anything about getting married,
so why would he think that?
Probably because all his friends are getting married?
All men are terrified of getting married,
because it reminds them of everything they're never gonna get to do.
"Hey, Tish, I think we should try a threesome."
"Oh, really, Bennett? Do you know what that is?"
"Yeah, it's when two girls and a guy freak dance."
Whoo! Time out!
"Is that why you need your inhaler?"
Ladies, we're not gonna talk about fear of marriage
a few hours before my best friend Candace gets married.
Plus, we have that last dare to complete.
Yes.
You, my friend, have to get a lap dance
by a hot, sweaty, steamy stripper!
(ALL CHEERING)
Ladies' night. To the strip club!
CEDRIC: Now, while the girls' team seemed to be coming together,
my team was falling apart. Look at us! Just stupid.
Save me? I'm already saved, Zeke! All right, all right!
Guys, stop, stop! You're ruining my bachelor party.
He's ruining your bachelor party. I'm sorry.
What's up with you?
You guys said the Constantine Villa
should be more than $4,000 a night?
Mmm-hmm. Well, it is. It's 40.
$40,000? How, Cedric?
The day that he asked me to be the best man, I booked the villa.
For forty grand? Yes, for forty grand, Zeke.
You want me to say it again? You want me to make it worse?
Yeah, but why would you do that? You was drunk.
You were buying the whole bar drinks.
You don't think I know what I did? No.
Bottom line, I had everything under control.
I had the money on the table.
I had Gail off my ass and everything.
We gotta cut you off.
TERRELL: Yeah, I'll hold it. Listen, stop.
Just give me the damn bottle back. You're done. You're done.
It's my fault. How do I make it right? I don't know, Zeke.
What do you want me to say? I don't know.
World Series of Beer Pong is at the Flamingo.
Do you play? Champ of my dorm, baby.
Are you joking? You don't go to a beer pong at a bachelor...
Guys, I got it! I know how we can get the money.
Easy.
You kept the stupid flyer? Bennett, you're a genius!
Oh, my God. This is it! The Hustler Club. Ladies Night!
They're doing a big contest for amateur male strippers.
$50,000 in cash and prizes.
This is bullshit. No way the winner takes home $50,000 in cash.
Who does this anyway? You're wrong, Dom, look.
1st place, $25,000.
2nd place, $15,000. 3rd place, $10,000.
Great, even if you win and come in first,
you still don't have enough.
Guys, the first three places add up to $50,000.
We can do this, guys. We?
Come on, Ced. That's all right. You've been drinking.
No, Dom, I'm not tripping. This has got nothing to do with drinking.
You're fishing. Okay, Zeke, you owe me!
If I ask you to take your little black ass out there and shake it,
you, out of all people here, are gonna shake it!
This is not fishing, this is reality. We can pull this off!
I think we should do it. It could be fun.
You guys have really good bodies.
Baby oil on black skin always brings out all your muscles.
Come on, please!
I say we go for it. CEDRIC: Thank you.
I'd like to male strip. CEDRIC: Yes.
Yeah. I'm not doing it.
We're in Vegas. This is not going home with us, guys.
It's done. It's a one-time thing.
Come on, y'all. Can't do it, man.
Dom?
There's no way.
Absolutely no way in hell I'm going through with this.
My mama would kill me if she saw me in this.
Help me with my fanny-pack.
How's my body look in this? Awful.
What are you supposed to be? A sexy hobbit.
No, I'm a sexy caveman.
Gotta be kidding me. Black Spartacus?
ISAAC: Oh, that's a good idea.
All right, fellas. You got 15 minutes before show time.
Loosen up, bro.
All them ladies gonna eat you alive out there.
CEDRIC: Better watch out, Zeke. (LAUGHING)
♪♪
(CHEERING AND WHOOPING)
I can't believe this is happening.
I'm actually in a strip club.
Oh, girl, please. We ain't doing anything our men aren't doing.
Except we're not gonna get caught.
Ooh! Look at him.
Okay, the action's down here.
Uh! Trust me, it's not.
Follow me, ladies.
(CHEERING)
Lauren! Do we have to do this?
Yes!
Oh, my God. It's your final dare. Stop being a mom.
(ALL CHEERING)
Ladies!
Oh!
Give it up, give it up.
Come on, ladies!
How hard can it be to impress them?
That is a bunch of drunk and horny women out there.
Wild crowd tonight, guys.
Cute hobbit. Go get them.
Ugh!
Okay. That guy is a professional.
And this is amateur night, for chrissakes, you hear me?
You win by applause.
Hey! Listen up! My first three amateurs, you're on!
Our outfits are gonna be better.
ISAAC: Look at that pork chop.
Oh, shit. It's a setup.
Man, those are ringers. (LOUD CHEERING)
Competing for $50,000 in cash...
Take your pants off!
...Sexy Santa and his little helper.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Come on, ladies!
Come on, ladies, let me hear you!
Are you ready?
I said, "Are you ready?"
Ladies, this is the moment you've been waiting for.
Do we have any bachelorettes in the house?
Any bachelorettes in the house?
Yes, over here!
We're only gonna bring one, one lucky bachelorette to the stage
for a lap dance from Santa.
(CHEERING)
Can I get a Candace? Do we have a Candace in the house?
Candace, come up on stage.
Come on!
Fellas, go get Candace.
Go, yes, take her!
ANNOUNCER: Give it up for Candace, ladies.
Good one, Lauren.
Yeah, I got her good, didn't I?
ANNOUNCER: Come on, ladies, let me hear you.
Come on, ladies, let me hear you! Lauren!
One more time, from the top, okay?
Five, six.
Five, six, seven, eight.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
And step. And snap it. Get lower, like Beyoncé.
Right here. You gotta do this. This is what they want.
And then back it up. That's your boy.
It's like you got a chance to put it right in they face.
Uh-oh. Here it is. Took it away.
You know, you don't have to do this.
Uh, we do have to do this, because we took an oath, Michael.
Another one? Come on.
You promised!
(ALL BOOING)
Y'all see that right there? It's not gonna be that bad, man.
Just keep thinking $50,000.
Ladies, let's help her out. Candace! Candace!
ALL: (CHANTING) Candace! Candace! Candace!
I know a Candace.
TERRELL: Where are you going? One more shot!
ALL: (CHANTING) Candace! Candace! Candace!
Candace!
"Kansas"?
Get off my girl!
Michael?
That's my girl right there. Get your hands off me!
Oh!
Michael's fighting!
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God.
Get off her!
That's my friend!
(GRUNTING)
Stop!
Michael!
I got you!
Get off of her!
Stay down, all right?
Really, dude? Oh, shit.
No!
Bar fight!
(SCREAMING)
Michael!
MAN: The story you are about to see is true.
The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
CEDRIC: So the fourth quarter began with
both teams on a downward spiral.
CEDRIC: Hey, Dom, slow down.
Wait. Mike, wait, wait.
What? Wait, wait.
Slow down.
Look, while we're in here right now,
I don't want nobody...
(DOOR SLAMS)
(LOCK CLICKS) (BUZZER BLARES)
All right. Everybody all right?
It's a door. Okay, listen to me.
Don't nobody say nothing to nobody in here.
You keep your mouths shut. DOMINIC: That's a good idea.
You let me do all the talking.
Hell, no. What do you mean?
Why would we let you do all the talking?
Because I'm a Season 1 holder of OZ.
Yes. Have you seen it? I've seen it.
Have you seen Season 1? No.
Exactly, so you don't have the knowledge.
Why don't you just have my back one time?
Talk some sense into him. Don't talk no sense into me!
Zeke's gonna blow this whole damn thing.
Now look, we'll... Oh, my God, Bennett, did you just fart?
I'm nervous.
Okay. You...
(BENNETT SIGHS) Listen to me. Listen to me right now.
On the count of three, I'm going in. Okay?
One, two...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Three.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Everybody, listen up!
What I need to know
is who's the boss in here?
Whatever you're thinking right now is wrong.
You know why it's wrong? 'Cause the new boss just walked in.
That's right!
Me and my crew.
We just took this over. You got that?
(GRUNTING)
(ALL SHOUTING)
BENNETT: It's a sign of respect.
Mercy, please.
BENNETT: Mercy. Mercy, please.
BENNETT: Mercy, please. We're sorry.
CEDRIC: You want the cube, you got it.
We don't need this cube.
Where was y'all at? Huh? Why you up there, Dom?
CEDRIC: One thing that never occurred to any of the players
was that both teams could lose.
FEMALE GUARD: Come on, ladies, keep it moving.
Let's go.
(BUZZER BLARES) (WOMAN WOLF-WHISTLES)
I'm not mentally prepared to be someone's bottom bitch.
(GASPS) You know we're probably all getting Chlamydia
from sitting on these benches, right?
You know you're all thinking about it.
My first official photo on my wedding day
is a mug shot!
This is bad.
This is really bad.
LORETTA: Dionne Warwick in concert.
How 'bout that Do You Know the Way to San Jose?
Oh, yes, I do. (LAUGHING)
Hmm. I had the time of my life, Eddie.
So did I.
So...
But it doesn't have to end.
I could use a nightcap.
Eddie. Ooh, Eddie, listen.
I'm an old-fashioned girl.
I don't go in for flings and affairs and one-night stands.
I understand.
So, um,
(SIGHS)
I'm gonna say good night.
I'm gonna say good night, too.
Good night.
Good night. CEDRIC: So let me get this straight.
You're gonna use your one phone call to call your mother.
She's gonna get us out of here fast, watch.
Anything?
No, my mom's phone keeps going to voice-mail.
Who else?
BOTH: Uncle Eddie.
LORETTA: (ON RECORDING) It's Loretta. Please leave a message.
Who am I supposed to call?
Hello? Hi, could I talk to Kanye?
Can you just tell him to get on the phone?
No, I'm still not gonna call him Yeezus.
Mom, if you get this message...
What you mean, where am I at? Where the hell are you at?
Who's this?
Hell, no! I know there ain't that bitch in the background.
Listen, I'm in the Clark County jail. Come bail me out.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
That's a rude way to answer the phone.
I don't know anybody's number.
It went to her voice-mail.
I'm getting a new assistant, she's fired.
Honestly, I don't know anybody's phone number.
It's programmed in my phone. Who dials a number anymore?
Hello? Hey, Jonah.
Hey, put Nana on the phone.
She's asleep? No, don't wake her up.
No, there's nothing underneath the bed.
I checked before I left. What?
What do we do when we're scared? (SHOUTING) What time is it?
What time is it?
It's game time!
Any dogs in the house? Any dogs in the house?
Alls we need is each other! Alls we need is each other!
'Kay, feel better?
All right, I love you.
(SIGHS)
We're next, let's go.
'Sup, Ray? So, you pretend to be Ray Lewis?
For my kids, I'll be Ray Lewis, Jerry Lewis,
or Emmanuel Lewis if it helps.
But how do you know it's gonna work?
I don't, I'm just winging it.
My kids just want to know their dad's got their back.
It's not rocket science.
(SIGHS)
it was a good Ray Lewis.
Thanks.
I can't believe you're making me do this right now.
It's the only number you remember.
'Cause I tried so hard to forget...
Dial.
Not right. Dial.
(VIBRATING)
MAN: Hello?
Uh...
Who is this and where is Gail?
She's preoccupied right now. So...
Preoccupied? What...
Yeah, it means busy.
Wait a minute, hold on. Say "preoccupied" again.
Preoccupied.
Is this Drake?
Dude, why you picking up Gail's phone, man?
Oh, this is... This must be Cedric.
Actually, I'll tell you one thing.
You definitely sound the way you look.
That's not meant to be taken as a compliment either.
At the end of the day, you're light-skinned,
so if I hit you it's gonna show.
Listen, I'll get Gail to call you back, okay? (DOOR OPENS)
You won't get Gail to do anything.
DRAKE: That's actually up for debate. You know, Drake, honey...
I'm gonna put the phone down now.
CEDRIC: Put this phone down, I'm gonna...
Hello?
GAIL: I'm re-thinking the bedroom chaise lounge.
I like the way you say chaise. Chaise lounge.
I never really noticed how nice of a word that is.
Gail!
If you give that light-skinned nigga some ass...
Gail, I know you hear me!
KRISTEN: Break! (GRUNTING)
This was all his idea, not mine.
He just had to have a Vegas wedding.
I wanted to stay in LA, you know.
I can't believe we're still here.
Just try to relax. Come here. Sit down.
I can't!
Between us and the guys, I'm sure somebody's already on their way.
Ladies, elbows stay on the table, no cheating.
(STRAINED GRUNTING) (LOUD THUMP)
Winner! Next!
Damn, Sonia, you said you had her.
SONIA: You get her then!
My fiancée is spending her wedding day in prison.
That's my fault. You know, I'm just bad luck.
I'm like Mister from The Color Purple. I'm cursed.
For real.
I mean, maybe I just want it too bad, you know?
Dreamed too big. You did.
Tried to fly too high. Way too high.
I let you down, man.
But understand something. I was just trying to be the best best man.
But, you know what, Isaac, you were right. I am not the best best man.
I am the worst best man. Yeah.
Let's take it a step further.
I'm the worst best man ever.
Yeah.
I kind of felt like that's where
y'all were supposed to jump in and say,
"No, Ced. It's not that bad." it is that bad.
We're in jail. Look at us, man. Look at my pants.
Mike, I told you don't pick them pants, so, don't put that on me.
This is not how it was supposed to be. I mean, tonight was crazy...
It was awesome. It was epic.
I'm supposed to be getting married in a few hours.
All I wanted to do was hang with my boys.
I didn't want some wild and crazy Vegas weekend.
Michael, you gotta realize that the night is just way...
Think about the after-party, too.
Oh, my God, fellas. The after-party.
I can't call and cancel that now. Seriously?
Seriously, what? That's where you go?
It's one note with this dude.
What do you mean I'm one note, Zeke?
You haven't heard one thing Michael said.
I just lost $40,000, Zeke!
Fail. What does that mean?
You fail. Okay, you fail.
You are fired. I don't work for you.
I just hired you and guess what? I fired you.
Cedric, just stop, man. We've had enough.
It's not about you, it's about Mike.
It's been about Michael and Candace this whole weekend.
No one flew in town for you.
I was about to say the same thing... Enough.
Look, it's still your big day,
and I promise you we're gonna do everything in our power
to get you out of here and to your wedding on time.
You're gonna marry her.
♪♪
(SNORING)
(ALL SNORING)
(BUZZER BLARES)
(GASPS) on, my God.
Jesus Christ!
Lord have mercy.
(GROANS)
♪♪
Good morning. (SHUDDERS)
Good morning.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Wait a minute.
MICHAEL: Hey, Mom, it's me, Michael.
Listen, I'm in the Clark County jail.
Oh, my God, we have to go.
Wake up! Wake up!
We're still in prison! Wake up, Sonia! Wake up!
Mya! Mya, wake up!
No, this can't be happening.
Wake up! Wake up! Guys!
Bennett, wake up.
Jerm, Jerm, Jerm! Guys!
Wake up! Excuse me, sir.
Tish, wake up!
Oh, God, let me out!
Please! Oh, my God, please! Let me out!
I'm supposed to get married in three hours!
I'm supposed to be in hair and makeup.
Please!
Dom, you said you'd get us out of here. Yeah. We'll get out.
Well, what time is it?
Let's go, ladies. You just made bail.
We made bail!
Oh, my God, come on! Let's go!
Thanks.
We made bail!
We're free! Please don't leave me, guys!
We're free!
Oh, my God!
Oh.
Ooh!
BENNETT: Thanks for holding the door open. LORETTA: Oh, my God.
Where's Michael? He's right there.
Didn't I tell you to keep an eye on him?
CEDRIC: There's your boy right there.
Mom, I'm right here. Oh, my God! Michael.
They hurt you? No, I'm fine.
Where are your clothes?
LAUREN: Thank you!
Thank you.
Oh, this is probably your fault!
Oh, my God!
Can you believe this?
Tish?
Baby, that's not how I raised you. They're my friends.
Oh, God, give me strength. (SIGHS)
Michael. Baby, I'm so sorry.
Hello! We have a wedding to get to, people! Come on!
MICHAEL: Guys, let's go!
(ALL CLAMORING)
Sorry!
We're almost there! Hurry up!
♪♪
Shh!
Hey! Quiet!
Where have you been? I've been calling you all morning.
What's going on? Well, you missed your time slot.
I told you, you had to be here on time.
(ALL GROANING)
Hey! Hey!
Let me handle this.
Look, miss, there has to be something you can do to help us.
Is there another location you can offer? Anything. Please.
This is our busiest month for weddings and everything's booked solid.
I've already checked. I'll keep trying, but it's gonna take a miracle.
There's gotta be something that you can do.
I'm sorry.
♪♪
Sorry, man.
♪♪
Not now.
♪♪
(SOBBING)
♪♪
You wanna do Baby Boy?
Oh, yeah, Jody!
You gonna clean the house?
Oh, I'm gonna clean the house, Jody.
You gonna make me dinner?
I'm gonna make you fajitas, Jody.
No, it's... No, it's tacos.
You make tacos. I mean, she makes me tacos.
Who cares?
I just wanna be accurate if we're gonna role play.
But I don't like calling you Jody. I'm sorry. It skeeves me out.
And your fanny-pack is digging into my groin.
His real name is Tyrese.
I'm gonna call you Tyrese.
Tyrese? Yes.
Take off your fanny-pack, Tyrese! It's killing me!
If there was ever a time to chill out, now would be it.
That's a great idea.
Hmm.
Guess you girls really did get
your freak on last night, huh?
Well done.
They did.
Which totally explains how everything went sideways last night.
Hmm. So sideways. (SIGHS)
You know, Jeremy, I've been thinking about what you said
about me being a drill sergeant.
Oh, babe, I'm so sorry. I was being a jerk.
You were absolutely right.
I don't wanna force anything, especially not a baby.
I think we should just take the pressure off ourselves.
Absolutely.
No, I love us without the pressure,
and if a baby comes out of that,
I'm ready.
Really?
Yeah.
In fact, I'm ready right now.
Mmm. (LAUGHING)
Babe, don't you think we should get a little sleep?
Khal Drogo no need sleep.
Khal Drogo need woman.
I just hope you're still,
you know, of optimum ovulation, 'cause
I'm feeling pretty good.
Oh, no, babe. That's not how it works.
It's like the first day of my last period
and then you gotta count a couple weeks.
And your last period was five weeks ago at Comic-Con, right?
Five weeks? No, that can't be right, can it?
♪♪
What?
I'm a week late.
You having a baby?
Possibly.
Possibly? I've been stressed,
so that can totally throw it off.
Are you possibly having our baby?
Is our Halle-Tiger-Jeter baby possibly in there right now?
Is my baby having my baby?
Wow!
Okay-
No matter what, I never want us to stop being us.
Deal.
♪♪
CEDRIC: In relationships,
you score when you relax your demands on your spouse
and yourself.
I should be talking to somebody,
calling somebody, using my connections, something.
You got a lot of those.
When were you gonna tell me, Lauren,
about this big promotion in New York City?
(GROANS)
I saw it on television, Lauren.
Dominic, they were not supposed to release anything until...
Well, it got leaked.
Okay, baby. I can explain.
You took a job in New York City without talking to me?
(SIGHS) Dominic, it's complicated.
Yeah, it is complicated.
I got a job offer, too, Lauren.
What?
Chef Coward asked me to be
the new sous chef in the restaurant he's opening.
That could jumpstart your career.
I was going to turn it down. Why would you do that?
'Cause it's in Vegas.
And the woman I love
and I wanna spend the rest of my life with lives in Los Angeles.
And I just didn't think there was anything more important than that.
I can't go through this again.
Dominic, stop.
I turned down the job, too.
What?
I called Lee Fox back and I told him I couldn't accept it.
Why?
(CHUCKLES)
Let's see.
Well, the second reason is because the man I love
and want to spend the rest of my life with lives in LA.
What's the first?
I love his cooking.
♪♪
CEDRIC: Sacrificing to make your relationship work
is as sweet as an off-balance fadeaway at the top of the key.
I do it all the time. The jumpshot, that is.
Well, for Zeke it wasn't going to be that easy.
He was up against a full-court press.
Nobody likes a trap.
Mya.
I've been texting you, calling you.
You couldn't just let me know you were okay?
I needed some space.
You know, Mya, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Yeah, Zeke. I've been doing a lot of thinking, too.
Please, let me get this off my chest.
(SIGHS)
I want us to be together.
But you weren't honest with me about your past. Come on, you know it.
Okay, I give you that. But let me just explain why.
I already know why. It's the whole "Zeke the Freak" thing.
You just can't let it go.
No, Mya, it's everybody else who can't let it go. Okay, I admit,
it's childish and it has been part of my identity for way too long.
But, Mya, lam so past that. You...
♪♪
Oh, shit. This water's cold.
What are you doing?
Listen, I learned something about myself.
I'm not that guy anymore. I don't wanna be that guy anymore, Mya.
I know who I wanna be.
And who's that, Zeke?
I wanna be your husband.
And why now?
Mya, I have known for a while that I can give myself to you
completely, no hesitation, without regret.
I've just been waiting for the right moment to ask you.
Will you please
marry me?
♪♪
Is that an... That's an answer?
Yes. Yes?
Yes, yes.
Yes!
♪♪
Oh, my gosh.
♪♪
Wow!
It's beautiful.
You know, there's a bridge on the other side that you could have used.
CEDRIC: You score by understanding that you can't move forward
until you both let go of the past.
You hear that, Gail? Let the shit go!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(SIGHS)
LORETTA: Michael?
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
I am looking for my son.
He's down at the concierge, still looking for venues.
You know, Candace, maybe this is for the best.
Sometimes we have to read the signs in our lives.
Now if you really loved my son you'd go back there,
finish packing and set him free.
I am ending this conversation right now, Miss Loretta,
because if I say another word, we will both regret it.
Oh, you got that right. Both will regret it.
♪♪
What was that?
How dare you talk to my fiancée like that?
Who do you think you're talking to, Michael Hanover?
MICHAEL: I have no idea.
I would say that you're my mom, a woman that I love
and admire more than anyone else,
but I don't know who this woman is.
Because this mean, vindictive person that you are right now,
that's not the woman that raised me.
And what you need to do right now
is you need to walk into that room and apologize to Candace.
You know damn well I'm not gonna go in there and apologize.
Fine.
But please be clear, you're no longer invited to our wedding.
I love that woman
And I'm gonna marry her whether you like it or not.
(DOOR OPENS)
it had to be said.
True.
And, baby, I respect and love you so much
for standing up for me like that.
But I can't marry you, Michael.
Not like this.
Baby, this is no way to start a life together.
What are you saying?
You have to go in there and apologize to your mother right now.
Hell, no. She should be apologizing to you.
Why are you defending her?
Because I am a mother, Michael,
and I love my son more than anything in the world,
and I can't even imagine the pain I would feel
if Duke told me I wasn't invited to his wedding.
So you know what? She may never like me.
She may never think that I am good enough for her son but,
what mother does?
She has her flaws, Michael, yes.
But she is the reason that you have become
the man that you are
and the man that I love so much.
But she should still be apologizing to you.
She won't, Michael.
She is a proud woman.
Which means it is your place to walk in there and say...
LORETTA: I'm sorry.
I was out of line.
Um...
You're right, Candace.
I never thought you were good enough for my son.
Until now.
♪♪
I'm sorry.
Come here.
CEDRIC: When you insist on the right way instead of your own way
nine times out of 10, you score.
♪♪
That's the thing about Vegas.
When you're up, you're up, and when you're down, you are down.
Brought you a little pick-me-up before you leave, sir.
Not in the mood, Declan. I messed up. I messed up big this time.
I had one job to do.
"Cedric, can you be my best man?" Couldn't even do that right.
Even though I wasn't really asked like that,
the point is I was the best man.
Instead of providing a good time, I messed up a great time.
The bachelor party, the after-party.
That's nice. Prison.
The pillow, sir? I like the color.
Please don't take the lamp.
Everything is my...
(GRUNTING)
It's all my fault.
(CHUCKLES WRYLY)
Well, I can't deny you've been a bit of a silly-billy, sir,
but we British believe it's always darkest before the dawn.
Now, speaking of dark,
have you thought about a night wedding?
You know, when you've worked in this hotel as long as I have,
you get to know every nook and cranny,
and there is one picturesque little spot
that I've always thought that
if ever there was to be a Mrs. Declan, I would tie the knot there.
I do believe that I might be able to arrange something.
Really?
Perhaps you'd like to call your friends
and tell them not to leave quite so soon.
And in the meantime, I've got some magic to work, sir.
Declan, you dog.
Woof, woof, sir.
♪♪
CEDRIC: And just like that, I was back in the game.
The best man with the game-saving plan.
♪♪
REVEREND: Because the institution of marriage
is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly,
but reverently and soberly.
Too late for that.
Therefore, if anyone here has reasons
why these two should not be married,
speak now, or forever hold your peace.
What y'all looking at?
Proceed.
(SIGHS) Do you have the rings?
Huh? The rings.
The ring. Did I give them to you?
No, you put them in your pocket.
I didn't put them in my pocket.
DOMINIC: In your right pocket.
CEDRIC: No, I don't know where I put them at. Right there.
I got it. I have it. I'm sorry.
You really are the best best man, Ced.
The couple would now like to exchange their vows.
With this ring, I vow to be a loyal husband,
a constant friend,
♪♪
and a devoted father to our son, Duke.
I vow to love, honor, cherish and adore you.
Baby, I'm going to adore you forever.
(GROANS)
Mmm-mmm.
With this ring,
I vow to love you
in good times and in bad times,
in sickness and in health.
I promise to be in your corner
and by your side forever and ever and ever.
I heard the whole group of them went to jail the other night. The groom...
(SHUSHING)
Girl, you ain't gotta shush me. I'm just telling the truth.
(WHISPERING) Stop.
Okay-
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride. (ALL CHEERING)
Mikey! Kiss her! Kiss her!
Yay!
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr. And Mrs. Michael Hanover.
(ALL CHEERING)
Whoa!
Go hug your mother, boy. Okay.
(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)
♪♪
You did it, Michael.
You did it and it is perfect.
And I love you so much.
♪♪
CEDRIC: Okay, so it turns out,
Vegas isn't the worst place for couples after all.
You know, maybe I should come here with Gail sometime,
when it's snowing, or maybe when it's hailing
Or when it's freezing rain, which means never!
Dropped your dollar.
Bennett, what the hell am I gonna do with a dollar?
That's like putting a raindrop in the ocean.
Get your ass out of my face, please.
All right.
♪♪
STEVE HARVEY: Survey says...
(SLOT MACHINE BLARING AND RINGING)
Yes! $100,000!
That's my dollar, I won!
Yes. Thank you.
Yes. Thank you, Steve Harvey. Thank you.
That was my dollar, sir. That was actually my dollar.
No, it's mine. You gave it to me.
I put it in the machine. It's my dollar.
I didn't give you shit!
You gave me the dollar. Remember the whole "raindrop in the ocean"?
That is his money. We won it.
It's my dollar.
Bennett, you tell your wife to shut her face! Oh!
Don't tell me to shut up. Don't bump, don't bump me.
Hello. Hi, there. Cedric! You owe me money.
(ALL CLAMORING)
CEDRIC: That's my dollar!
♪♪
♪ Vegas nights
♪ Oh, yeah
♪ Vegas nights
♪ Lift Off
♪ Take flight
♪ I'm living the life
♪ Racing down the boulevard
♪ Under the Vegas lights
♪ Ooh, whoa
♪ What a wonderful feeling
♪ I got my hands up to the ceiling
♪ Singing, ooh, whoa
♪ Got my hands up in the air
♪ Where we end up I don't care
♪ Just let me get a little Michael, tonight
♪ Get a little Gladys Yeah, all right
♪ Get a little Lionel Richie, Marvin Gaye
♪ And some of that Barry White
♪ Some of that Otis that we like
♪ Some of that Sam show you right
♪ Gimme that Aretha Franklin, Roberta Flack
♪ James Brown, Bobby Womack
♪ Oh, yeah, Vegas nights
♪ Vegas nights
♪ Oh, yeah, Vegas nights
♪ Vegas nights
♪ I really don't know what I'd do without you, baby
♪ You flip the switch and I'm on all night long
♪ And you know I can't sleep without you, baby
♪ 'Cause even in a city with lights, I still can't see
♪ But I feel 20-20 when you're with me
♪ I'm in love with you
♪ You're my everything
♪ Wanna be yours forever
♪ Baby, not just like me
♪ There's a storm of love that stays over us
♪ Wanna bottle your light
♪ And then champagne the rest
♪ Just let me get a little Michael, tonight
♪ Get a little Gladys Yeah, all right
♪ Get a little Lionel Richie, Marvin Gaye
♪ And some of that Barry White
♪ Some of that Otis that we like
♪ Some of that Sam show you right
♪ Gimme that Aretha Franklin, Roberta Flack
♪ James Brown, Bobby Womack
♪ Oh, yeah, Vegas nights
♪ Gimme that, gimme that Vegas nights
♪ Oh, yeah, Vegas nights
♪ Gimme that, gimme that Vegas nights
♪ I'm out for the night
♪ We'll keep it going until the sun comes up
♪ We gonna sing and we gonna dance
♪ Shut it down tonight
♪ Just let me get a little Michael, tonight
♪ Get a little Gladys Yeah, all right
♪ Get a little Lionel Richie, Marvin Gaye
♪ And some of that Barry White
♪ Some of that Otis that we like
♪ Some of that Sam show you right
♪ Gimme that Aretha Franklin, Roberta Flack
♪ James Brown, Bobby Womack
♪ Just let me get a little Michael, tonight
♪ Get a little Gladys Yeah, all right
♪ Get a little Lionel Richie, Marvin Gaye
♪ And some of that Barry White
♪ Some of that Otis that we like
♪ Some of that Sam show you right
♪ Gimme that Aretha Franklin, Roberta Flack
♪ James Brown, Bobby Womack
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪♪
(MUSIC STOPS)
You leave yet?
DECLAN: Not quite, sir.
What about now?
DECLAN: Almost.
You there, Declan?
DECLAN: Not really.
(LAUGHS)
(CREW LAUGHING)