(key cranks in wind-up toy)
(quacking)
(mooing)
(music box plays)
(child's voice) Yeah.
("Winter Reveries" from Tchaikovsky's Symphony No. 1 plays)
* If I cannot bring you comfort *
* Then at least I bring you hope *
* For nothing is more precious *
* Than the time we have, and so *
* We all must learn from small misfortune *
* Count the blessings that are real *
* Let the bells ring out for Christmas *
* At the closing of the year *
* Let the bells ring out for Christmas *
* At the closing of the year *
(ting-a-ling ting-a-ling)
* If I cannot bring you comfort *
* Then at least I bring you hope *
* At the closing of the year *
General Zevo, I'm Owen Owens.
I'm sorry for the note of urgency in the telegram,
but we don't think he has much longer.
Actually, of course, he shouldn't even be here today.
But you know your brother. The factory's his life.
What's the status on Kenneth's condition?
He could go at any time.
Is that confirmed,
or is that just scuttlebutt?
Oh, no. The doctors are in agreement.
It's imminent.
KENNETH: It was a heartbreaking decision to make,
but I had no choice.
I'd always planned to turn the reins of the business over
to my son, Les,
or even my daughter, Alsatia, but...
he's just not prepared at this time
for that kind of responsibility.
And she's, well...
That's why I wanted to see you before I die.
I have a proposal to make.
I know you were always Father's favorite.
You followed in his footsteps,
and I didn't.
But I made this company what it is today,
and I'm proud of that fact.
And I'm not about to let it die with me.
I want you to take over the presidency of Zevo Toys.
LELAND: And give up the military?
Yes.
I know you haven't been happy since Vietnam.
They gave it away, Kenneth.
Let's face it, Leland.
Your glory days are over.
Your Great War is never going to come.
It would be a shame to let
your leadership qualities go to waste.
You want me to give up my commission
and step into your shoes?
It would be well worth your while.
But more importantly, it's a new challenge, Leland.
A chance for you to be your own man
for once in your life,
a place to be appreciated.
What do you think?
Total control of the company?
What about Alsatia and Leslie?
Well, I'd like them to remain with the company.
They love it. It's their world.
And I hope one day, with your help,
Leslie will be able to succeed you
when you retire.
You see, he just doesn't have the ambition to...
(beeping)
Oh, dear.
I'll call the paramedics, sir.
Dorothy, call the paramedics,
quickly.
What's going on here? Are you all right, Kenny?
It's his heart.
After his operation last year, he hooked up his beanie propeller
to his pacemaker.
It's sort of an early-warning signal.
(motor sputtering)
It's whimsical, Leland.
Medic!
(ice cream truck music)
OWENS: Kenneth,
I beg you to reconsider your decision.
Owens, my brother holds the key,
the key to Leslie finally growing up.
Kenneth, it's such a terrible risk to take.
I mean, your son is such a...
uh...
A flake.
Yeah.
I know.
So am I.
(humming)
Leslie,
Alsatia. Ready?
-Are you finished tidying up? -Yeah.
The limousine's waiting.
I'd rather drive Dad's car,
if you don't mind, Owen.
MINISTER: And so, this gentle man
goes to his final rest
leaving behind him
a legacy of innocence and laughter.
When the child of today
becomes the peace-loving citizen of tomorrow,
he will be partially indebted
to this great man.
And yet, when I say "man,"
I mean in body only,
for he was the eternal child
-in all of us. -Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
The sorrow that we feel...
Ha ha ha ha ha!
The sor-- the sorrow that we f-feel...
The sorrow that we feel,
however...
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Good one, Dad.
MINISTER: The sorrow that we feel
is tempered, however,
in the knowledge that angels somewhere
are trumpeting this man's tin horns.
"Tin horns." I like that.
Tin horns are fun.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
OWENS: Don't you think we should take out the "barrel of laughs"?
No, Owen. Dad would want us to leave it.
The batteries will run out in a few hours.
I just love that-- "tin horns."
It just stays with me.
I know what you mean.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Owens.
Yes, sir.
I want a complete tour of the factory
first thing in the morning.
Yes, sir.
* Laughin' at the smoke from a factory chimney *
* Marching to the beat of a heart within me *
* Hey ho, hey ho
* We're off to work again *
* Bells are ringing
* We are singing
* Joyous in our industry
* I love my job
* He loves his job
* Pull the lever
* Start the engine
* Pump the water
* Build the pressure
* Push the piston
* Press the button
* Pump the water
* Build the pressure
* Push the piston
* Press the button
* It's the perfect job
* Happy workers
* Yes, happy workers
* Yeah, happy workers
"Big Ears." Take three.
LESLIE: These ears are so big, we're gonna have a legal problem with Disney.
WOMAN: I think you look like Fievel.
-Thank you. -(chuckling)
MISS DRUM: I think maybe a little ornamentation,
an earring or something to bring attention,
-if these people are missing it. -That's very interesting.
Are we making fun of people with big ears here?
MAN: We're making fun of people with small heads.
Either way, we're gonna get letters from the royal family.
I think it's not good.
WOMAN: Can we make the fingernails filthier?
LESLIE: That's a nice point.
It's too shiny.
I have General Zevo with me.
Great. We're just watching some of the novelty tests right now. Care to join us?
No.
"Doggie Doo Test." Take eight.
Oh! Bad dog! Bad!
Do you have any newspaper or anything?
Any newspaper or something to get that with?
I shouldn't leave that in a food store.
That's very good.
WOMAN: A sweater on a leash, and then the poop dispenser.
-LESLIE: What do you think? -MISS DRUM: Maybe crap in a can.
That's it!
Or a bath product-- sham-poop.
Do people really want to take poop in the tub with them?
Only if it floats.
MISS DRUM: Well, we've all done it.
This is not a shared experience.
They get paid for this?
LESLIE: He's just wondering if something's wrong with this, though.
What the--
Oh, it's Alsatia.
She likes to wear clip-on clothing and dolls' wigs to work.
She insists on trying everything out on herself first.
Very, uh... dedicated.
Loony bird.
Let's get this over with.
(humming)
Oh. Everything's all set for you to see.
The fabrics are here.
The doll prototypes are here.
Some of the new fashion illustrations are right here.
Not interested in sissy stuff.
Oh, well, don't you want to see some of the new doll designs?
I think they could be very endearing.
* Pump the water
* Build the pressure
* Push the piston
* Press the button
* Pump the water
* Build the pressure
* Push the piston
* Press the button...
(whistle toots)
LESLIE: Lunch, anyone?
I'm in the mood for smoked chicken.
How about you?
"Smoked." That's funny.
LESLIE: Thank you. Is that you, Alsatia?
What is it?
LESLIE: It's a smoking jacket.
It's our new novelty/apparel thing.
OWENS: That's a great deal of fun, Leslie.
But can you put yourself out now?
LESLIE: Wish I could, Owen, only find the "off" button.
Hooo! I think a boat's coming.
Hooo! It's a large boat!
Owen, save the women and children!
I'll go down with the general. General, lifeboat!
There, that's better.
Remind me to make a note.
Make "off" button more accessible.
There it is.
Well, General, now that you've seen the factory, what do you think?
You ready to take over Zevo Toys?
It's one decision I cannot make on my own.
I have to see somebody else first.
Come along, Owens.
Owen, Owen, who does he have to see?
I believe he's going to see his father.
Granddaddy?
I thought he was dead.
(radio plays martial music)
Daddy.
Hmm.
Ah.
Oh, I know. I know.
You're a four-star general. I know.
You have four stars to my three.
Every time I come here,
you turn that cursed light on to remind me, to humiliate me.
I could have had four stars, Daddy,
if it wasn't for this cursed British accent of mine.
You would have to be stationed in England
during my formative years. It's your fault.
I've never been taken for a real American.
(mumbling) A linguist.
Oh, I went to see a linguist, yes.
I went to see a dialect coach.
And the best I can do is...
(imitating Southern accent) You men stand over there
and remain at attention
until further notice.
They didn't buy it.
(mumbling)
Jersey City?
And you know what?
Adenoid.
Yeah. Well, look, I need your advice, Daddy.
You see, just before Ken died,
he asked me to take over his company.
Toys?
No, no.
You don't understand, Dad.
You see, there's a serious problem with the military right now--
It's whether it's worth the cost or not, the economics.
Hell, communism just went into the toilet,
and the whole damn budget fell out of the military.
The military is not what it once was.
There will be another war.
There won't be another war, not the kind we know.
War has changed.
You can't even trust your own troops anymore.
Why, Daddy,
in Vietnam one night,
one of my own men tried to frag me.
Oh...
(mumbles)
Big cock?
LELAND: No!
No. I said frag me.
He tried to shoot me.
Please try to understand, Daddy.
I'm not giving up on the military.
The military gave up on me.
Oh, change sides.
I can't change sides, you silly old fart.
There's no sides to change sides to.
I've got no options left. I'm out of a job.
Look, please, please, Daddy.
What the hell am I gonna do? Will you tell me that?
Daddy, what am I going to do?
Daddy, should I take over Kenny's business?
(radio plays country-western music)
You free tonight, Debbie?
Sure, Leland.
OWENS: To achieve Kenneth's vision of the future,
we must continue to modernize,
but not just for the sake of modernization.
It requires integration of new concepts and new designs,
and the training of our employees in new technologies
and with new equipment.
However, Kenneth felt very strongly
that some of the older toys are unique,
because we've never attempted to update them
in pursuit of perceived trends.
Uh, to guide this modernization,
we need to have and initiate
fundamental functional area plans
for modernization
to link the past with the future.
Fred, you want to take over at this point?
Thank you. We've been getting good play
from the new Mr. Minky doll.
Uh, it's a leader
and a unique doll in the marketplace.
Our home-video games
are doing exceedingly well,
particularly Big Argyles,
Felsors,
Osmosis, and Helo's Course.
That's a fabulous game.
It's much better than Mr. Squirt's Night Out.
Clucking Hens and Bob Goes Camping.
Fred, I haven't heard anything on the T-3100 racer.
Where are we in the development of that?
I'll answer that.
Well, we've been holding on that because
apparently some of the advance plans for the T-3100
appear to be incorporated into Axel's new toy designs for their miniracer,
which would beat us to the marketplace.
WOMAN: This is an unfortunate setback.
We're sure those plans were leaked to Axel.
Leaked?
Did somebody say the plans were leaked?
Oh, every so often,
a degree of industrial espionage does occur.
Espionage.
Owens, will you give me a moment of your time, please?
Yes, sir.
LESLIE: Do you believe what Axel's doing? I can't believe them.
I don't know why they come out with what they come out with.
Guns 'n' Noses? What type of toy is that?
WOMAN: They came out with a toy called Carnival Joe.
You add your own fingers and teeth.
That's amazing.
Oh, I don't know. What about their whole new line?
OWENS: Sir, we're in the supply closet.
LELAND: Are we really?
Now tell me about that espionage problem.
Well, General--
Keep your voice down.
Well, General, the stealing of toy desi--
Can't hear you.
-Well, General-- -I still can't hear you.
Well, General, the stea-- All right?
That's fine. That's good. Carry on.
The stealing of toy designs
is not unusual in this business.
We're not set up to protect ourselves.
I know the perfect man to deal with this espionage trouble.
-Who? -Patrick Zevo, my son.
I must apologize for my son.
He's usually very punctual.
Where is he coming from?
Alsatia, he's with covert operations,
so let's just leave it at that, all right?
Canapé, General?
Yes. Perhaps I will.
The deviled eggs look good.
Don't they?
Oh, it's a quick egg, isn't it?
Oh! Look at that egg scramble.
Get a little egg-cited.
Talk about fresh-- these are rude.
Maybe they really are deviled eggs.
Look at that. They're possessed.
Huevo de diablo.
Save yourself.
Get away from here.
You must go away from here. Quickly.
Get some toothpicks. Make a cross.
Don't you see what's happening?
Don't suck my yellows!
Quick! Save yourselves from these appetizers from hell.
Quick! Run! Tell the village!
Oh, look at that!
Stand back. It's gonna spit.
I can't control myself any longer.
How do you do that?
Magnets.
It's one of Dad's favorite novelty items.
You're as big a fool as your father ever was.
You really think so?
Thank you.
I'm getting very hungry. I want my dinner now.
Then let's eat.
The sofa's hungry, too.
Patrick, my son.
Dad.
It was wonderful.
That's a neat trick.
I don't play tricks, Leslie.
You twerp, Patrick's in camouflage
so he can have full surveillance of the situation.
before his presence is known. That right, Pat?
100%, Dad.
LELAND: Is that all you're having?
White bread's the worst thing you can eat.
No, it isn't.
It's very soft and pliable.
It slides down the system without disturbing anything.
There's no nutrition in that sandwich.
Yes, there is.
Vitamin pills.
Something's working 'cause you always look the same age to me.
Patrick, do you remember when you stayed here when you were a kid? I'll--
And I told your mother never to leave you here. When was that?
That time you called and had her join you in Vietnam.
That's right. She never came back.
I'm sorry.
You loved her very much, didn't you?
That's right, and I'm not ashamed to admit it,
'cause Dad did everything he could to save her. Didn't you?
That's right, son. Edie was a wonderful woman,
but appendicitis is a respecter of no one.
By the time-- By the time we knew something was wrong--
well, I'll never forgive myself, Patrick.
All right. I know. I know.
(hacking)
That's just the vitamin B complex.
It's the vitamin E I really have the problems with.
Gelatin capsule gets stuck in between my teeth,
and the stuff inside mixes with the mayonnaise--
Enjoying the wine, General?
Oh, it's fine. It's fine.
It's a good Bordeaux, isn't it?
It's got a good nose.
-May I have some more? -Would you like some more?
Yes, I can't get enough of it.
Patrick, now that you've joined the ranks of Zevo Toys,
what are your plans for the situation?
Patrick's bringing in a special force to assist him.
We'll begin with the interrogation of every man and woman at the company.
After that, we'll set up a security system
so no one can leave or enter without our knowledge.
Do we get to wear badges?
Photographic identification.
I take a very nice picture.
As for me, Les, I'll be meeting with our designers
so we can begin production of our new line.
Our new line?
I'm noodling with the idea
of putting in some war toys.
We've never made war toys at Zevo.
That's most unusual.
It's a natural idea for you to make war toys.
Well, we never really did because
Dad didn't like the idea of war toys.
He thought that war was the domain
of the small penis.
(laughs)
Well, is that so, Leslie?
Well, I'd be most grateful, Leslie,
if you'd assist me in this area.
That all right?
Sure.
Dad, to war toys.
War toys.
What do you think of my bringing Leslie
into the new war toy department?
Smart tactical maneuver.
I thought you'd see it that way.
Like you always said, treat your friends like your enemies,
and your enemies like your friends.
Dad, tell your driver to stop here.
-Why? -I'm getting out.
-You don't know where you are. -That's right.
Always in training, huh?
100%.
See you in the morning.
That's my boy.
LESLIE: And the cat chased the rat all day
until they finally found each other's name.
What?
I don't understand.
It's a fable.
No, no. I don't understand why Daddy let Uncle Leland
take over Zevo Toys.
I don't know. You'd think he would've left Owen in charge.
Or you.
No, Dad knew better.
Well, one thing I know is strange,
and that man is strange.
How are you gonna work with him,
especially on war toys?
Sometimes it's better to dress up like a lamb to tempt the wolf.
Oh, I see.
Just like Daddy always said,
treat your friends like your friends,
and your enemy like your enemy.
Yeah, you use your noodle.
Mm-hmm.
Good night.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
Night, night, Alsatia.
(quack)
Thank you.
* Happy
* Hap hap
* Hap-hap hap
* Hap hap
* Hap-hap, hap hap *
* Happy workers
* Hap hap, hap hap *
* Hap-hap hap hap hap
* Hap hap hap-hap hap
* Hap-hap hap hap hap hap hap-hap *
* Happy
* Happy workers
* Happy
* Happy happy
* Happy
* Ooh, yeah
* Happy workers
* Hoo ha
* Hoo-ha
* Hoo ha
* Hoo-ha
* Hoo ha
* Hoo-ha
* Hoo ha
* Hoo-ha
* Hap-hap-happy
* Hap-hap hap-happy
* Happy
* Happy happy happy *
* Happy workers
* Happy workers...
(rrrrrr)
Yo!
Can I help you?
I'm sure you're aware that we're doing
some routine checks with each employee
to determine if there's been some internal security leaks.
-Would you mind if I asked you a few questions? -No, not at all.
LELAND: So, that's it, is it?
Six weeks of work, and that's all you've come up with?
These are just preliminary drawings,
just to give you an idea of what direction we're moving into.
(coat plays music)
Come in, Leslie.
Sorry I'm late.
I had a little problem with my ID check.
Maybe we did live near a toxic dump when I was a kid.
This is our new Body of Sound coat.
It works by mercury switches and movement and-- Hold on.
-(knock knock knock) -Oh, sorry.
* Thank you, baby
Sit down, Leslie.
(imitates doorbell)
Oh, I'll get it.
Sit down, Leslie!
* All right
(pop)
You behave like a buffoon.
-Buffoon? -(caw)
Whoa. Very interesting word.
Wonder what the derivation of that is? I love etymology of words.
Maybe it's a combination of "balloon" and "buffalo." (chuckles)
-Or maybe "buffer" and "fool." -(honk)
Maybe it's from the Latin word buffomatis,
he who carries the pickle.
All right, uh, Miss Drum.
Is that the extent of what you had to show the general?
(overlapping noises)
Sorry.
Miss Drum?
Uh, yes, it is.
In terms of military toys,
do you consider this competitive with other companies?
With most of the products, definitely.
What do the rest of you think?
Well, I tell you what I think.
I think this is baby shit
compared with what other companies have on the market.
I want realism, I want imagination, I want excitement.
But, sir, I honestly--
All right. You're all excused now.
Out you go.
(playing drums and horns)
Do you think you were a little rough on them, General?
I don't think that was necessary, really. They're civilians.
They're employees.
This wasn't a social call.
I understand that. But they've been with the company for years. They're like family--
That's enough, Leslie.
You're right.
I should get cream for my coffee.
I really do need some cream.
-Thank you very much. -(overlapping noises)
Can I get you anything, Owen?
-Maybe a Kaiser roll, honey bun? -No, thank you.
Anything for you, General?
Ooh! Cruise missile? Something like that?
Automatic weapon?
Very sorry, sir.
(overlapping noises)
I'll work this out eventually.
It just needs a little tune-up.
LELAND: I've got my work cut out, Owen.
I'm surrounded by fools.
(typing)
(doorbell)
I've been a bad boy.
(chuckling)
* Happy happy
* Hap hap-hap hap-hap
* Hap hap-hap hap hap hap-hap hap *
* Ooh, yeah
* Hap hap-hap hap hap hap *
* Happy workers
* Hoo ha
* Hoo-ha
* Hoo ha
* Hoo-ha
* Hoo ha...
(buzzer)
Are you Miss Gwen Tyler?
We're doing some routine questions.
We'd like you to cooperate, all right?
Okay.
Does any duplicating go on around here when you're not present?
Uh...
Hmm? Huh?
Poss-- Yeah, maybe.
Do you duplicate alone?
I think that's kind of a personal question.
You're laughing, Miss Tyler.
Are you taking my duplication investigation seriously?
Or are you disrespecting
my duplication investigation?
No, I'm not disrespecting you.
I'm just saying there's no real way I can check,
you know, because I leave at a certain time and...
I-- I'm not--
Duplicating is taking place.
And when duplicating takes place,
that means there's more than one.
There may be two or three, Miss Tyler.
Two, three, or four.
I didn't... (laughs)
Y'all are joking.
No, Miss Tyler. I'm not joking.
I'm talking about duping.
-Duping! -Okay.
Duplication!
I just work here.
You're in charge of duplication?
Yes, sir.
Show me how this duplicating machine works.
I want to learn all about the process.
* Happy
* Hap hap
* Hap-hap hap
* Hap hap hap
PATRICK: Duplication is a serious offense.
-You understand that? -Mm-hmm.
And that means whatever was duplicating--
What the hell's going on here?
Security check.
Everything looks pretty secure to me.
She's clean. Let's go.
See you later, cousin.
Oh, yeah. I'll chill, Will.
Hey...
The coast is clear. You can come out now.
That can't be good for your hair.
* Hoo ha
Forward, march!
* Hoo ha
You can come out now.
Aah!
Were you...
-Sorry. I'm fine. -That's all right.
-I'm okay. -Okay.
You're new here, aren't you?
Yeah.
Listen, I know you're a little upset,
but you gotta let it go or get over it.
Pick one of those, any one.
Who was that man?
Well, that's my cousin. He does security.
I tell you what...
What?
I can't believe the treatment around here.
Well, I'm sorry.
How about a little smile or something?
Look at these. Wait a minute.
Is this what you were up to?
Arts and crafts?
This is fabulous.
Look at that face.
Come on. Is that a great face or what?
That's Michael Jackson, before and after.
(imitating Jackson) I never had surgery, never, ever.
You have a look like a deer in front of a Peterbilt.
Kind of...
Hit the brakes, Al! Hit the brakes!
I love this one.
This is a very attractive one.
This one should go on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Not the swimsuit issue, but the boxing.
"I should have never gotten in the ring,
but I will take him in three rounds.
I want the belt to go with my purse."
(muttering) See? Hi. There, you're laughing. That's good.
Hi. How are you? I'm Leslie Zevo.
-I know. -(buzz)
(laughs)
You're back. Welcome to the living.
You're silly.
I'm very silly,
but that's what I do for a living.
What kind of sandwiches do you have today, Joe?
Oh, ham and cheese,
turkey, uh, chicken salad,
shrimp salad.
Mm. You know, Joe,
I'm very disappointed that you never once had
an applesauce sandwich on your menu.
Applesauce?
Miss Zevo, the sandwich will get all soggy.
Oh, I don't mind.
I'll make you one tomorrow, okay?
Okay. Thank you very much.
I'll just go ahead and have
the mayonnaise sandwich again today then.
Thank you.
Is this seat taken?
Oh, no.
Sit down.
Do you like my security badge?
It's very nice.
I told you I take a good picture.
That you did.
What's the matter? Don't you like your lunch?
I hate it when food touches.
You know, you remind me a lot of my brother.
That's impossible. We're exact opposites.
That's what I mean. He's all silly and soft on the outside,
and on the inside he's really strong.
And you're just the opposite.
-Hi, Joe. -Hi.
Can I have the tuna salad, please?
-Here you are. -Thank you.
You're getting the tuna? I hope that's dolphin-safe.
(eek eek eek)
Joe, how long do you think she can be out of the water?
Oh...
I'm so glad he finally discovered her.
I think love is wonderful.
You know, your mother once said to love--
Could we talk about something else besides my mother?
I forgot.
I know what a delicate subject that is with you.
I can't even eat.
The food keeps touching.
I like military plates. I'm a military man.
I want a military meal.
I want my string beans to be quarantined.
I like a little fortress around my mashed potatoes
so the meat loaf doesn't invade my mashed potatoes
and cause mixing in my plate.
I hate it when food touches.
I'm a military man.
You understand that?
And don't let your food touch either, please?
No calories.
Oh, that's good, 'cause if I have a whole calorie,
-I just blow up. I get such bloat. -Do you?
Two or three calories, and I'm like the Michelin Man.
-Oh, god. -Put on that much weight.
-Do you have that problem? -No, my mama does, though.
-Oh, really? -Yeah. I mean,
I usually don't drink this kind of stuff, artificial sweeteners.
-I like plain old soda, you know? -Oh, yeah.
-I mean, sugar can't hurt you, really. -Right.
I mean, I once did an experiment,
where I put a little sugar down and little artificial sweetener,
both on the sidewalk.
And within a minute, ants are all over the sugar.
They're just doing their little ant dance.
And by the artificial sweetener, they've put up barricades,
and they have little ants in hardhats going,
"Keep on, move on through, move on through."
Where are you from?
Right here. Like what I've done with it?
-Where you born in here? -No, not born here, no.
I was born in the back of a bumper car.
That's what's wrong with you, I think.
That's it. "It's a boy."
Hi! This is sure fun.
Yeah.
You don't have a lip.
Well, I'm working on that.
That's that insecure face.
Well, yeah. That's the face of two people...
Who don't like themselves.
-They can be okay with it. -Yeah.
If they kiss, they basically, you know...
They bump teeth.
Yeah, and they hurt each other, and then they lock jaws.
Then they feel bad about each other.
They do.
Then they're like two lizards in the sun.
(chuckling exhale)
There. That's it.
-That's attractive. -Isn't it?
That's the type face you want to go (whistle)...
-Bye. -Time out.
I don't think I've laughed this much in years.
Me, too. You know, you ever do that thing where you just laugh like...
(laughs) God!
(fart)
Was that you?
In a moment-- Stop it.
-(fart fart) -Oh.
These are a lot of fun.
Put your finger in there.
Don't be afraid.
-Oh. -(fart)
These are good for a laugh.
Why is it bodily functions are always funny?
Well, I think it's because, you know...
PATRICK: So, where are we going?
LELAND: Into town.
I want to see what the competition is selling.
Good idea.
I'll take the back way.
(tires screech)
You okay, Dad?
No problem.
ALSATIA: * 'Cause I'll never let you go *
* In the still of the night *
* 'Cause I love--
Oh...
I'm just practicing.
Practicing? For what?
Later in the day, Leslie likes to come in here, and we sing.
You sing in the ladies room?
Acoustics, good acoustics.
* In the still--
You see?
I just don't understand the two of you.
Well...
we love to sing and do moves,
and of course, he likes to joke around a lot.
And that makes me laugh.
Then we go get something to eat.
* In the still-- Want to try it?
No, I don't think so.
No.
Oh, come on. Everyone sounds good right here.
-Yeah? -Oh, yeah.
Okay.
* In the still--
* In the still
* Of the night
* I held you
* Held you so tight--
Ooh.
I don't think you should do that again.
Okay.
You like Leslie?
Well, uh...
I'm so glad you appreciate him.
Maybe it would be better as a duet.
Yeah?
Maybe your voice will sound a little more acceptable that way.
Okay.
* In the still
* Of the night--
Warning! Warning!
Target approaching.
Contact. I see him. Ready.
Aah!
(explosion)
Good shot!
Good boy.
Tank gunner.
Like a game, Pat?
Yes, sir, but you go first.
Ah. I'll see if I haven't lost my touch.
Right. Now, okay, what do we got here?
Helicopters, 500 points.
Tanks, 300 points. What's the penalty here?
PATRICK: Minus 1,000 for shooting a UN truck.
That's an awfully big penalty for hitting a United Nations truck.
Give me a quarter, Pat.
-I'll put it in. -Okay.
All right. Here we go.
Ah, here we are.
This takes me right back.
Pow!
(laughs)
(imitates explosion)
Yes!
Takes me right back, this, Patrick.
Right back to my youth.
Dad, you got minus 1,000 in penalty.
-You hit the UN truck. -Oh, goddamn UN.
They have no business being there.
Always where they're not wanted.
I'm gonna get them sons of bitches right.
Those UN guys, white truck men.
I nearly hit a tank there.
Don't want to start doing that, not with the UN about.
Here comes another one.
(laughs)
There he comes. Yes!
Wow! Did you see that?
(laughs)
Whoa!
Wow!
Whoa!
Wow!
Whoa!
Whoa-ow!
Wow!
Wow.
Oh.
(buzzer)
Oh.
How do you feel?
Woozy.
That's a great name.
That's what we'll call it, the Woozy Helmet.
Oh.
-What do you think about it? -Oh, I think it's a winner.
-You really do? -Oh, yeah. You bet.
I didn't know where I was,
and then I was coming up through the thing,
and then I thought I was gonna fall off,
and I felt seasick, and ugh... Oh!
It's just a prototype, but it's gonna get better.
I think this is some of your best work.
Oh, thanks.
You know what? You put in a different cartridge,
you can have an entirely different experience
in sight, sound, and smell.
I mean, you could take an incredible ride,
never have to leave the safety of your own helmet.
Take trips, not have to lose your bags.
I think Daddy would be very proud of you.
Thanks, Al.
(mutters)
This is a little uncomfortable, though.
That's supposed to go in your ear.
Oh!
Wanna take another trip?
-Oh, yeah. -Okay, here we go.
(guns shooting)
Look at that. Look at that.
We don't have anything like that.
I ask my designers for decent war toys.
They give me diddly-squat.
Well, the other companies had a head start.
They've been designing war toys for years.
I don't have years.
Gotta get on with it. Time's ticking.
Gotta push these designers.
Stop the vehicle.
I've been here before. I know it.
I'm sure of it.
Perhaps in another lifetime...
or maybe even in a battle.
You were probably here with Kenny.
I guess you guys played here together when you were kids, Dad.
Oh.
(horn honks)
Hey!
Want a ride?
No.
Thank you.
-Just learning? -Yeah, yeah.
You're a little long in the tooth for training wheels.
You drive all the way out here just to insult me?
Au contraire, ma chère.
This is my way home.
No, it isn't.
How about this?
No. How about this? Can you get over,
'cause you're hogging the road?
You're hogging the road.
Come on, let me give you a lift,
and I'll teach you how to ride that bike.
Why?
Just want to get laid.
-No. -Oh!
My daddy would just have a field day with you.
I'll bet I'd be swinging from some tree.
Yep.
Yeah.
No.
I like you.
Well, I like you, too.
That's why we shouldn't see each other.
Why?
You don't take things very seriously, do you?
What do you mean "take things seriously"?
What about this hat?
What?
Of course I take things seriously.
Like what?
Well, like save the whales, win interesting prizes.
-I founded that. -Leslie?
Okay, well, how about this?
You know the general?
Well, I'm gonna have a confrontation with him,
'cause I don't want them to make war toys anymore.
I'm gonna get him to change his mind.
-You serious? -No. Yes.
Really. Mm-mmm. Yeah, sure.
Maybe.
See what I mean?
There is no hope with you.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Seriously.
If I convince the general no war toys,
will you let me take off your training wheels?
I'll think about it.
LELAND: You ever wonder why an airplane
has to be a certain size?
Because somebody has to get inside it, right?
Right.
What happens if you don't need a pilot?
What happens if you just have remote-control planes
that carry deadly weapons?
You saw it back there at the store.
There were toy tanks, toy planes.
Can you imagine what it'd be like
if we perfected a toy-sized plane
that had deadly fighting capabilities?
Little remote-control planes.
Yes.
You saw those kids back there at the arcade.
Those kids have better hand-eye coordination
than any pilot you ever see.
Little children can fly remote-control planes.
Patrick, it's only the weaponry that's missing.
Can you imagine the savings
if we reduced the cost of planes
say, $450 million apiece
down to $5,000?
That's what I'm talking about.
The military today, Pat, costs too much.
I'm talking about a cheap military,
an inexpensive military for the future.
You can't eliminate the military,
so you have to have a military you can afford.
Little tanks,
little planes,
little helicopters,
toy-sized military
with deadly fighting weapons.
You give me half a billion dollars--
the cost of one stealth bomber--
I'll give you one million
toy-sized planes.
And I guarantee you one thing, Pat.
No one's going to spot them on the radar screens.
(laughs)
Hey, remember that kid flew a Beech-Nut
right into Red Square?
-Beechcraft! -What?
He flew a Beechcraft, not a Beech-Nut!
Oh, Beechcraft, Beech-nut,
beach blanket, beach ball, beach bum.
What difference does it make?
He flew the plane right into Red Square.
Remember those kids with the video screens blowing things up?
What difference does it make if it's real or false?
It's all the same to them. It's all the same on the video screens.
It's just another game to them.
It's warfare without a conscience.
It's the greatest concept ever known.
It's brilliant.
I'll rise,
like the phoenix out of the ashes, to greatness.
Me--
the greatest military genius
the world's ever known!
Now we start building the littlest armada
known to mankind.
Me--
Leland Henry Zevo!
Whee!
Let that be a lesson to you.
Always carry a flare.
Owen, I always feel like I'm witnessing
the last temptation of Barbie.
Well, uh, this model's holding up nicely.
The only way a child could pull this one apart
is if he took it to a tractor pull.
(honk honk)
Ahh.
(laughs)
I just love that.
May I speak to you?
Certainly.
-In private? -By all means. Jump in.
Carry on, Owen.
General, for the first time in my life,
I've given some-- Oh!
Why don't you watch where you're going,
you great egghead?
-Let's go. -Oh, no, don't-- Oh.
You should stop. You'll be guilty of a hit-and-run.
LELAND: Always run when you hit.
-General? -Yes, Leslie.
I think it would be a terrible mistake for us to make war toys.
-Oh, you do, do you? -Yes.
We have a tradition of whimsy at Zevo Toys.
Dad began that tradition
with Milton the friendly elephant,
and it carries all the way through the new line
in the Woozy Helmut.
To make us manufacture military toys
will be a philosophical contradiction.
It'll be like an Amish video game,
and I cannot support that.
You're absolutely right. Absolutely.
Absolutely, absolutely,
and absolutely.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
You know I have to be honest with you, Les.
I thought the war-toy department was a good idea.
But I see now it would take too long.
It would be a difficult task to establish a department
that's never existed in the company.
Bit like going against the grain.
Why tamper with the traditions of this firm?
Well, thank you. That's my thinking exactly.
Oh, hallelujah,
and goodbye.
-You know what I'd like to do, Les? -No, Le, what?
I'd like to have a little more space to myself,
-develop a few toy ideas of my own. -Ooh, ideas.
LELAND: Noodle about a bit.
-Noodling? -Noodling.
Yes, just noodling.
Ah, well, I like to noodle.
Noodling's fun.
Hello?
-How's it going? -Fine, fine.
I might need a little more space, though.
Okay, sure. Go ahead.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Going to need a teeny bit more space.
We're getting awfully cramped in here.
Going to need that much more space.
People, this is some very innovative vomit.
Except this one.
Looks like you could put maybe
a nice piece of carrot and a pea there
to kind of draw your eye to it. Don't you think?
Yeah, I agree with you. It should have more consistency to it.
Mm. You know, since your uncle started this private project,
the budget for novelty items has been cut in half.
Are you telling me we don't have money for peas and carrots anymore?
Come on, now. That is a classic.
Without it, it's not funny. It's almost frightening.
Peas and carrots are traditional. No one's gonna buy vomit without 'em.
Well, what about noodles or spaghetti?
They're pretty cheap to make.
Well, normally you don't see noodles in vomit.
Have you ever been to the Pasta Barn?
No. You know what? In order to be competitive
in the world market, maybe we need more of an international nausea.
You know, something--
Yes, can we cater to Asian people, please?
That would make me very happy.
I mean, this vomit is very Anglo, very ethnocentric.
This is obviously the vomit of the white man. It's oppressive.
Well, we can have something like the Teriyaki Toss.
-Or that one. -That will be fine.
-That's a Bavarian Blow. -There's very interesting,
but it's too much. There's a lot going on there.
It titillates me, and to me, that's the wrong reaction.
LESLIE: Yeah, this is almost like Braille.
WOMAN: It appeals to a male market.
Is this room getting smaller, or am I bloating?
I don't know. We're being attacked by a crossword puzzle.
I like this one very much.
Well, yes, that's our Oktoberfest model.
That's bratwurst and knockwurst-- the Brat Splat.
How'd it test?
Very well. 90%. Highly recommended.
-What's the gag factor? -Instantaneous.
We're working here!
What is this?
That's a Tofu Toss.
That's very nice. I mean, that'll actually work for the kosher people.
The Hasidic Heave. Why do we have coconut and mushrooms here?
This is diarrhea. This doesn't belong here.
Well, send over to Peter in the poop department.
Is this-- This is ham and pineapple.
Yes. We're calling that Maui Chowie or the Don Ho Heave.
I like that. That's very colorful. What's that?
That's our duck sausage and cilantro.
We call it the Wolfgang Chuck.
And look, there's the Wyatt Earp. I love that one.
Ah, but we added okra. Now it's the Bible Belch.
That's very nice--
What the hell is going on here?
Sorry, Les. The general needed more room.
Didn't mean to scare anyone.
You guys need to change your diet.
LESLIE: Owen, what the hell is going on here?
How much room does he need?
Well, it's not just a matter of space.
We're losing valuable people every day.
Some more designers just quit.
What could he be building that takes this much room?
Is he building Paul Bunyan toys?
I don't think it's a matter of working big.
Leslie, look down there.
More of them arrive every day.
He better be making something very cute,
or I'm gonna be really annoyed.
This is new.
(rumbling)
(glass shatters)
(crash)
(mumbling)
What's that?
(bang)
ALSATIA: Dad?
Daddy?
Dad, where are you?
Dad?
Daddy? Dad?
Oh, Daddy.
-Ha ha ha ha ha! -Oh, Daddy, I need you.
The general closed down my department,
and Owens is afraid,
and Leslie isn't doing anything,
and nobody knows what anybody else is doing,
and there's all these new people,
and all these old people are quitting.
And remember Faye Mackintaw,
the one who used to paint the lips on the alligators?
Well, she's gone. Can you believe it?
Faye Mackintaw's gone.
If something doesn't happen really soon,
we're all gonna be in the shithouse.
Ha ha ha!
Alsatia?
Ha ha ha ha!
I think you know I don't use that term very loosely,
and I most often mean it.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Boy, those are great batteries.
-Leslie... -I know.
I heard about it.
They closed down my office.
I know.
Are you gonna do something about it?
Course.
(battery dying) Ha ha.
LESLIE: What is happening here?
Alsatia's upset.
She's so fragile.
I mean, I don't know what to do.
I mean, I got him to stop making war toys, but he is up to something.
I want to know what he is doing next.
Think we're a little early for the parade.
You have enough helium? Ooh.
"I like that one, Bob. Here he comes.
It's the incredible yuppie float."
(laughs)
Why don't you ask him?
What do you mean?
Why don't you...
just go up to him and say,
"What are you doing?"
Get out of here.
Just...
Just go up and ask the general directly what he's doing?
Cut through the fabric of our very society
of obtuse and avoidance?
I mean, where do you get off?
-Now, that is-- -You're making fun of me again.
-No, I'm not. -Yeah, you are.
I need a glass of champagne. Would you like one?
-Yeah. -Okay.
Yeah.
How about a little more champagne?
(chuckles)
(neigh)
Whoa.
Stick around. We may be too tired to walk back.
There you go.
Just a tad.
Just a hair of the dog.
Toast... Melba.
Your daddy was right.
What?
He told me I'd like you.
You met my dad?
Well, he hired me.
My father hired you?
Mm-hmm.
The day...
um...
before he passed away.
Handpicked.
I don't know why.
Maybe I do know why.
Pick a state.
Uh... New York.
Wrong.
Pick another one.
Um... California.
(gasps)
Really wrong.
What the hell is that?
(beeping)
Ah, yes.
This is a nice space here.
This'll do fine.
You're absolutely right.
I've gotta walk right up to him
and ask him what's going on.
Tomorrow.
He's busy right now.
Maybe I'll fax him.
(neighs)
Damn. They spooked the horses.
We're gonna have to walk back.
General!
-Excuse me, General. -Hello.
I need some answers.
Fire away, lad.
Will you tell me what's going on in the restricted area?
-No. -Well, I was wondering if you'd give me
a sneak preview of the new area?
No. Besides, I don't want you to laugh at my efforts,
you being a consummate toy maker,
me being a novice, so to speak.
I have to run along, you know?
Oh, before you go, I'm curious to know,
-why are you hiring children? -Children?
-Little people. -You saw little people?
I think so. I was looking down from my window--
Ah, the terrain. Were you looking down on them?
All I know is that they were little, small, not to scale.
Oh, couldn't be. If you're in the Empire State Building looking down,
people look like ants. Same thing here.
You're looking from the third-floor window, people look very much smaller.
That is it.
General--
See, Owen. I've got the security card.
Get us in the restricted area.
-That's a coup. -Isn't it?
But the problem is getting down that corridor,
past the surveillance camera.
Leslie...
Six, seven--
Leslie,
have you any idea at all
how we're going to get down the corridor?
MTV.
Uh, Shimera,
would you check if anyone handed in my glasses?
I can't see a thing without them.
Sure, Mr. Owens.
Harvey, you wanna look in your drawer, too?
Uh, they have wire rims.
Not here, Mr. Owens.
-Sorry. -Thank you.
Can't find his glasses. Like they're in my drawer.
Cesar, go ahead.
We're under attack by...
Why, it looks like some kind of mutated plant.
It's enormous.
Gonna try to break loose. Stand by.
Got it.
So, less than 500 yards.
Reduce speed to 1/3.
-And stand by to reverse engines. -All right.
(music playing)
Who are they?
* Hey
* Ooh ooh
It says, "Yolanda and Steve."
* Memories of things
* That never happened
* These are always the hardest to forget *
I think they're terrific.
* All the old friends
* And the loved ones
* These are the people
* You haven't even met
* Looking forward
* Into the old days
* Looking back
* At what there will be
* There's no reality
* Just an illusion
* There's no real sanity
* Just plain confusion
* How do you feel?
* How do I feel?
* What is real?
Wait a minute.
If this is regular TV, then what is this?
MTV.
I think it's patched into the cable.
How the hell did we get patched into cable?
I don't know.
* I made it something
* That you can see and touch forever *
* And always looked the same *
* From every angle and never cast a shadow *
* That would change the way *
* You thought about its very being *
* That what you were seeing *
* Would always be
* The truth
I bet they're lip-syncing.
Nah, this looks like real.
They all lip-sync. None of them can sing.
* What is real?
* How do I feel?
* What is real?
Here we go.
(buzzing)
* How do you feel?
Want to dance?
Sure.
With her maybe.
My god.
FAO Schwarzkopf.
(explosion noises)
Hi. I'm new here.
What you been blowing up?
A military base.
What type of things at the military base?
People,
army tanks,
and helicopters.
Oh.
How many points do you get for blowing up people?
1,000.
(beeping)
US 16 returning.
Oh, man.
(alarm sounds)
Break-in, restricted areas!
-Get it moving! -Let's go!
(yelling)
Come on! Move it!
Don't panic. Stay calm.
Ow! Ow!
Ohh.
Uhh. Oh. Uh!
Aah!
What the hell is that?
What's in here?
Help!
Go! Go!
Who breached security?
I don't know, sir, but the water tank's been activated.
-The water tank? -Yes, sir.
Help!
God, help!
What is it?
What is in here with me?
Should I deactivate the sea swine, sir?
A sea swine?
Oh, yes, you deactivate the goddamn sea swine!
PATRICK: Leslie, don't move.
That thing operates by vibrations.
What the hell is that?
Shut it down, Hogenstern!
Don't move. Hogenstern, shut it down!
LELAND: Don't touch anything.
I want to see if this baby works.
Oh. Oh!
Is that thing gonna eat me or mate with me?
Shut it down, Hogenstern!
Leslie, don't move!
That's nuts!
I'll drown if I don't move!
That's it. I'm out of here!
Leslie, I said don't move!
Oh, god. Get away from me!
There. That showed it.
There. That showed-- Aah!
It works!
I told you it would work!
Leslie.
Leslie, you playing around?
I have to talk to the Washington boys.
The time has come.
Leslie, you playing around?
Whose side are you on anyway?
Leslie?
(tap tap)
LESLIE: Gwen?
(tap tap tap)
-You're all wet. -Yes.
-Is it raining? -No.
Forecast calls for showers later this evening.
There's a madman at the factory, and it's no longer me.
What? You want to tell me about it?
Well, Alsatia and I broke into the restricted area.
Actually, we danced in.
I saw children playing video games,
and there was this thing.
It sensed my vibrations, tried to kill me.
I'm warming myself in front of a fake fire.
Something is not right,
Very wrong.
What is wrong? What happened?
Well, I found this room, full of children.
They're playing video games, actually war games.
You get 1,000 points for blowing up a person.
And then all of a sudden, this alarm goes off-- (beeps)
And I run down this hallway, and then it says "restricted,"
and I said, "Oh, that doesn't apply to me," and I fall into a pool!
I mean, we're not zoned for a pool. I mean, when did they have a pool?
Captain Zevo. Captain Zevo, come in.
This is Captain Zevo. Come in, Baker.
Can I have your position, please?
That's an inappropriate question at this time, Baker.
Uh, we have a position on Leslie, sir.
Report, please.
Uh, he's at the residence of Miss Tyler.
Out.
(toilet flushes)
-Okay. -Okay.
-It's okay. -Okay, breathe.
Breathe, breathe.
Oh, yes. Come to Papi now.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thanks. Thank you.
I hope you don't think this is pushy.
Do you mind if I spent the night?
Yeah, looks like it's getting on.
Yeah. Cut to the chase, Ace.
There it is. All right. It's on now. Her it is.
It's all right now. It's all right.
What happened?
Fix it, man. It was getting hot, man. Fix it.
Didn't do anything.
You're always messing up, man. You're always messing up.
-Did you bring the manual? -This doesn't come with a manual.
Shh. Listen.
(panting)
Oh.
Listen to it. Listen to it.
Oh, please.
(laughter)
Yo, what is that?
Yo, what was that?
PATRICK: What's going on here?
Uh, nothing. Nothing's going on.
Actually, I think they're sleeping.
What does he know?
I don't think he's seen enough,
at least not enough to make any sense out of it, anyway.
Well, listen up. We're making some arrangements to meet with the Washington boys
to discuss the general's new military.
I want it to be a maximum security situation.
We're lucky that Leslie didn't find out anything.
For this Washington meeting, I want maximum surveillance on neutral ground.
-Yeah. -You get that?
Okay.
What the hell is this?
Uh, we taped that off the corridor monitor, sir.
We like it, uh...
-Steve and Yolanda, they're great. -Yolanda and Steve.
Yolanda and Steve, sir.
If you want your MTV, soldier,
you better want it on your own time.
I told him we shouldn't be watching this.
Tell me, what exactly happened?
Did something actually kill you?
Now, you saw
big, bulging eyes in the water.
Bulging eyes.
Something was coming after you.
Yes, they were bulging eyes.
They might've been balls. I don't know what they were.
There was something big pulsating in the water,
-and it wasn't me. -Ew.
Well, what can I say?
How can I alleviate this doubt?
Why was Patrick so concerned?
Why was he yelling, "Shut it down, Hogenstern! Don't move, Leslie!"?
Why was he yelling that?
Because you might've broken it.
Broken it?
We haven't tested it yet
to make sure it's childproof.
Leslie, anything else?
Yeah, I want to know why he looks like a Russian Ralph Kramden.
That was a highly restricted area back there.
You scared us half to death in there.
Faking that you had drowned.
What exactly are you working on?
I'm working on a wonderful new water toy.
Oh, a tub toy.
Yes. I have some terrific video games for kids,
but we've talked about that. It's very tedious.
Well, let us see them.
I'd love to see them. Wouldn't it be nice to have a tour?
Oh, yes. A tour would be very nice.
I tell you what.
Give me two weeks to put my house in order,
get my ducks in a row, so to speak,
and I'll be more than willing to show you my work.
Okay?
Okay.
PATRICK: Sir!
Aah!
(tires screech)
Patrick!
Dad! Don't mind that.
It's just a diversionary tactic.
Marvelous.
The Washington boys are set.
The Washington boys.
It's done.
Thursday. 1600 hours.
My moment in the sun.
Break out the zinc oxide!
Leland, I understand the need for security,
but don't you think this is just a little extreme?
BAKER: Oh, yeah. Look at this. You can see right through them. Look.
Look like there are halos on them,
Like little bony angels.
Now, that's the general right there, right?
Yeah. Don't waste any time on him.
We know he doesn't have a wife.
Move over to the Washington boys--
Tagnell and Magraw.
They definitely don't have to work out.
Look. Hey, look right here.
I think we got a bug, my man. See right there?
No, no, no. That's some kind of shapnel or something.
Shrapnel.
Shapnel. Shapnel.
Shrapnel.
How you feeling, since your operation, Magraw?
Oh, not too bad. But I'm getting a few chest pains
that I didn't have before the operation.
It looks like scissors or something, like, you know, like,
like, like a clamp.
Well, let's not tell him, huh? Move over to the table now.
LELAND: Is it everything I told you it would be?
MAGRAW: A miniaturized military.
Remote control planes
being operated by kids on video screens?
You know, the Israelis have been flying model planes
with small video cameras attached to do surveillance.
It might not be a bad idea.
But you know, Leland, we're gonna have to go back to Washington
with your proposal for discussion.
LELAND: You've got to look to the future.
The future is anarchy.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about lawlessness.
I'm talking about the Lebanons of the future.
I'm talking about the breakdown of the whole system,
The military defending people against people.
You won't get your appropriations waving that flag.
There's no-- no glory in that kind of warfare.
How can you possibly justify
that one stealth bomber costs more
than the government spends on cancer research
in the whole of the United States of America,
But one million little planes
at $5,000 apiece.
You see what I'm saying?
Well, I think this is something that
we'll have to review and discuss further.
Well, what's to review? What's to discuss?
This is the program! This is what works! This is the future!
-Dad... -MAGRAW: All I'm trying
to say is calm down--
Don't tell me to calm down!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Waah! Waah! Waah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Raah! Raah! Raah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
(lip-syncing aria)
(buzzing)
Ah!
(bang)
(glass shatters)
Anything wrong, sir?
No, just a fly.
Wouldn't it be better to use a fly swatter, sir?
(bang)
-Ah! -(bang)
Ha ha ha ha! Yes!
Ha ha ha ha!
Yeah, those Washington boys...
they didn't bother to call back.
They think I don't know what I'm doing.
-I'll soon show them. -(buzz)
Ah!
(bang)
Bedlam!
Hello.
I missed you, honey.
Where you been?
You know that's classified.
-Oh. -Mm.
Don't you think we should announce our engagement?
We always have to keep everything a big secret.
-Soon. Very soon. -Yeah?
For now let's have a different kind of engagement.
-Oh. -Yeah.
Oh, Leland.
-What? -Huh?
You said "Leland."
I said "Leland"? It must be a mistake.
Oh, you called me "Leland."
No, no, no. I said, "Lean in."
You know, lean in.
Debbie...
Debbie,
You didn't do my dad, did you?
Well...
-Well... -Did you?
-It was an accident. -It was an accident?
Yeah, you were away, and he was having these bouts of depression.
Oh, so because he gets a little depressed, you--
God almighty, Debbie!
Wait. Let me explain to you.
I mean, you don't know how tragic it is.
He goes on and on about the fact that he was responsible for your mother's death.
I know. I know.
Appendicitis. Appendicitis.
Debbie, how could you?
What do you mean, appendicitis?
My mother died from appendicitis, Debbie.
Uh-un. He sent her on a reconnaissance mission.
Reconnaissance?
Yeah. You know how Jane Fonda visited Hanoi?
Well, he sent your mother in disguise
as a Jane Fonda look-alike,
and I don't know, something happened.
What does the man know about toys, Mother Theresa?
He has no sense of fun.
He has a heart of Spam.
Well, how can he come up with a design better than our designs?
We've been doing it for 50 years.
I don't know. Give me some soup.
Okay.
What do you think, Owen?
Well, we'll be able to see in a couple of weeks.
Why two weeks?
That's a good question.
That's a very good question.
PATRICK: Do you want to know what the general's building?
A deadly war machine.
Oh, he is so good. He's the best.
That red is a hard color to match.
You want the truth? I'll tell you the truth.
And nothing but the truth.
We have a breach of security. Call the general.
I never liked him anyway.
LELAND: I knew he'd defect, that boy. I knew it. I knew it!
One word about his mother,
and he goes soft like a little kid.
PATRICK: It's not just a game. Those lethal weapons he's creating and
building in the factory, it's just phase one.
-Phase one? -Yeah.
He wants to build a new technology for tomorrow's warriors.
LESLIE: Oh, my god.
PATRICK: See, it will start as a great philanthropic gesture.
He would establish daycare centers
in all the poverty areas.
Mothers could leave their children there all day long,
and they'd be taught to read and write by video computer.
LESLIE: It's a trick.
To educate them,
but at the same time,
to create a special variety of video game
to develop coordination, teach the child how to handle
sophisticated equipment-- simulated flight experiences,
visual laser lock-on screens.
And the last step, the final frontier,
is to fly a real combat mission
with remote-control weaponry.
I mean, the kids, they don't know the difference.
They still think it's a video game,
They think they're racking up points, and they're actually wiping out whole cities.
GWEN: Well, he's gotta be stopped, y'all. We have to call the police.
-No. No police. -Why?
Because this is family business.
What's been done has got to be undone, right?
We're gonna take care of it.
OWENS: But how can we do it?
I put the entire security system in.
With your help, I can take it out.
Well, well, well. Look what we've got here.
A mutiny.
First of all, we gotta be a unit.
We can't all talk at the same time.
We gotta be one mind, one body,
One goal, one soul.
Stand up and join me.
He's very good, isn't he?
PATRICK: We are now one--
in body, in soul, in dedication.
We have one thought alone-- victory!
I'll put this place on red alert.
They're as good as dead.
That's your son, sir.
War has no relatives.
Now, we're gonna get him,
and we're gonna get him good.
War.
All right, sir. They're here.
And so it begins.
Now is my time.
It was not Korea.
It was not Vietnam,
but now.
Tonight on this battleground,
this field of innocence,
this shall be my finest hour.
I can almost hear the ticking
of the second hand of destiny.
A moment--
one wonderful moment when fate takes your hand--
and this is my moment.
* My once in a lifetime
* When I can explore a new--
And exciting land.
* And exciting land
Patrick just took out the surveillance system, sir.
Turn on the twin system.
Not even Patrick knew about that.
I trust no one.
Let the games begin.
That's the sea swine down there.
Sea swine pit
has enough power.
ALSATIA: Sea swine. Sea swine.
This is how it's gonna go down.
Look. I'm gonna shut down the control centers
to make sure the weapons are deactivated.
Want you guys to meet me at the Manhattan model in five minutes.
Let's move.
Five minutes.
Patrick, we don't know which way.
Do we hit them now, sir?
Let them separate a little more.
OWENS: Patrick?
Owen!
It's this way.
Yeah, I know it.
Leslie!
Deja vu. This way.
OWENS: Alsatia!
All right. Hit 'em.
Uh-oh. I wonder what the flashing red lights mean.
Well, red usually means caution,
or beef if it's a bouillon cube.
Thank you, Alsatia. That helps a lot.
I know where I'm going.
I just don't know how to get there.
Maybe that's the covert way, not to tell you.
We need a helper or some fruit.
Hey, y'all, look.
Select floor now.
Oh, look. Isn't that adorable?
Aah! Aah!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Isn't that great?
Doors closing now.
Going down now.
That's a very bad baby.
Patrick must be at the control center.
Ball and dolly just killed each other.
Put in the Tommy Tanks,
and activate the Hurly-Burly Helicopters.
* Hoo ha hoo-ha
LESLIE: The man's insane.
He's building fatalistic toys.
Why couldn't I see it coming?
I mean, I saw the warnings in the restricted areas.
I fell in the pool, and someone tried to kill me. I really screwed up.
Aah!
I thought I'd lost you.
The general knows we're here.
-How do you know? -Well...
* Hoo ha hoo-ha*
Oh!
* Hoo ha hoo-ha*
Oh, no!
This way. This way, this way, this way! This way.
In here! This way!
Now what?
I don't understand! How do they work?
Everywhere we go, they're there.
They must follow movement and sound. I don't know.
Where's Patrick?
Go! Go, go, go!
Hurry up!
Okay!
Move it!
Maybe we can outrun them!
LESLIE: We're in the old warehouse.
Look, Leslie.
This is where the general stuck all the old toys.
Everything that Zevo was is here.
Oh, dance with me.
Not now.
Look at that!
They've let themselves get trapped.
That means Patrick must be in there.
It's not like him to make such a poor tactical maneuver.
LESLIE: I used to love to play with these.
The general's weapons track movement and--
Owen, do you think these will still work?
Oh, I-- If you wind them up, I imagine they will.
I've got an idea.
What?
We're gonna fight fire with marshmallows.
That's a complete answer.
Ladies and gentlemen...
our army.
Let's wind up the troops.
Someone get me a cup of tea.
Greenberg.
Yes, sir.
Tea for the general, eight lumps.
LESLIE: Sorry it's come to this.
Who would believe when we made Milton the Friendly Elephant
that some of you today would be wound in anger?
Four stores and many Christmases ago,
my father brought forth a factory conceived in innocence and joy,
and squeezable fun for everyone.
But today may be the beginning of the end,
or the end of the beginning,
or the beginning of the beguine.
And when you go fourth today, or fifth,
depending on your order in line,
we are here today to put you in harm's way.
Because we determine today in this warehouse...
the future of toys as we know it,
whether be toys of fun and innocence,
or toys for total tot warfare.
Mr. Penguin?
If you don't do it today, you're an endangered species.
You know that.
Now, many of you have never seen your own fluff.
Many of you are just out of the boxes.
You've never seen your own springs lying on the ground,
but I tell you today, that's not gonna be the case.
I want you to wade into them.
I want them to spill their batteries.
I want them to break off their antennae.
I want those plastic behemoths
to be a bubbling botch of goo!
In the words of Barbie, "I had a dream house."
I know you can do it.
Spin your balls. Move your plates. Skip your ropes.
You, Mr. Twirly, blind them with the best you can.
In the words of Mahatma Gumby,
"We are toys of tolerance,
but there's only so much that a toy can tolerate."
Do what you must,
you simple, gentle few.
For I would rather have you by my side
than any remote-control gadget
that I've ever seen,
because you are-- and even you,
even you, Alien Al.
Pay a little attention,
because you were never a big seller.
But we stood by you.
So, now's the time not to ask
what Zevo can do for you,
but what you can do for Zevo.
Let's all bob our heads for a brief moment of prayer,
those who can.
(boom)
Aah!
(boom)
-You all right, Alsatia? -Yeah.
Bastards, they attacked us while we're at prayer.
It's like Pearl Harbor.
(boom)
Stay calm.
Hold until you see the lights in their eyes.
(boom)
* Hoo ha hoo-ha
For Dad, Zevo and Milton the Friendly Elephant...
now!
(honk honk)
(twoodle twoodle)
He's at the 30-yard line,
and number 20 is running like crazy.
He's all alone out there.
(quack quack)
(awk awk)
(waa waa)
(cheep cheep cheep)
* Hoo ha hoo-ha
Hah!
(wog wog)
(twoodle twoodle)
* Hoo ha hoo-ha
-(gunshot) -Aah!
(missile launch thrust)
(wog wog wog)
Look at that score!
(laughs)
Oh, boy. Hurrah!
(laughs)
Whoo whoo!
(chop chop chop)
Warning! Warning!
Aah!
(chop chop chop)
Whoo!
-I love this game! -All right!
(alarm sounds)
Arr, arr, arr, mate.
Something's happened to Patrick.
I've got to get to Manhattan.
(squeak squeak squeak)
(rahrr)
(grrr)
(missile launch)
(gulp)
Keep the diversion going!
-I'm gonna find a way to stop this. -Okay.
Hurry up, Leslie! The mice are going AWOL!
Mama.
(chop chop chop)
(twoodle twoodle onk onk)
(orgg orgg orgg)
(orgg)
(beep beep beep)
LELAND: That must be Leslie.
How the hell did he get there?
Look, sir. The Tommy Tank is on his tail.
Not good enough!
Activate the sea swine.
Sir, it's not too reliable.
Activate it!
Sea swine activated now.
Switch it over for amphibious attack.
Sea swine in amphibious attack mode now.
Patrick!
Here!
Patrick, where are you?
Fifth Avenue, Tiffany's.
This is no time to shop!
Leslie, I've been hit! I got tanks on me!
You've got to get to the general's office
and shut down the main computer!
How am I gonna do that? The guards are all over the entrance to his office.
(chop chop chop chop)
(bell rings)
Please watch your step.
(police whistle)
(waa)
(aah)
(waa waa)
Alsatia!
We're running out of toys!
Uh-oh. That's not good.
(aiieeeooww)
Leslie!
(beep beep beep)
(ding)
(beep beep beep)
Sir. Over there.
Hot dog!
These designs are good.
Leslie, watch out! Bandit at 9:00!
Shoo!
Get out of here! Go!
Go! Go-go-go! Oh! Get out of here!
Take him down!
No! Go away!
Get away!
You little Swiss Army bastard!
No, no,
nooooo!
Give up?
-And you thought I was a fool. -I'm gonna kill you!
Yaaaah!
(muffled shouts)
Ah! Aah!
LESLIE: I... will... not... let... you...
destroy... Dad's... dream!
Oooohh!
Aah!
Oh! Ugh!
Power failure. Main power failure.
Main power f-f-f-f-f...
Alternate power online now.
You tried to kill us all.
Oh, come on, Leslie! Can't you take a joke?
Oh, yeah, I can.
I love jokes.
I love all kinds of jokes.
But you know what I don't think is funny?
Is when somebody tries to kill me, my family,
and destroy the world as I know it.
I mean, that just doesn't sit well. I don't know why.
Call me crazy.
(heavy breathing)
I came real close to being just like you.
Oh, come on, boys. Can't we all sit down together and talk this thing out amiably?
After all, we're all family.
Leslie! Leslie! Isn't it wonderful?
It's over, and the best part is, no one got hurt!
(screams)
Whoo! What a ride!
(screams)
Oh, no.
He broke my sister.
Oh, I think I'd like a sandwich now.
Alsatia's a robot?
Yeah. My dad built her for me.
My mom died so early, he thought I needed somebody.
I always thought she seemed the same age.
ALSATIA: Um, I'd like to have--
(rumble)
Will you put her back together again?
Oh, yes.
Her plans are in your father's safe.
Oh. Everything is gonna be all right, Al.
Do you love-- Do you love me?
Of course I do, Al.
I'd give you a big hug, but your body's over there.
Ohh.
I miss my heart.
We'll get you back together real soon.
(rumbling)
(grrr)
No!
Oh, no!
Al, you're gonna be all right.
Oh, yeah. I'm gonna be fine. I'm fine.
I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine! I'm fine!
Hey, look, Al. It's Christmas.
No! No, don't.
Please. No, you can't.
No!
Klatu...
Bravada...
Nikto!
Aah!
* Let the bells ring out for Christmas *
* At the closing of the year *
(twoodle twoodle twoodle)
(grrr)
(snap)
(grrr)
(snap)
(grrr)
* If I cannot bring you comfort *
* Then at least I bring you hope *
(arf arf arf)
He's breaking away from the pack!
He's running for the 20, the 10. Holy smokes!
It's a touchdown, ladies and gentlemen! Touchdown!
* At the closing of the year *
(wog wog)
* At the closing of the year *
* If I cannot bring you comfort *
* Then at least I bring you hope *
* If I cannot bring you comfort *
Howdy.
* Then at least I bring you hope *
Hi.
You look shh-tunning.
Oh, shh-top.
Shh...
So, this is Paris.
What?
She still needs a little work.
Can you carry me?
I think it's better if you walk.
Oh.
LESLIE: Dad? Don't have to worry.
Zevo Toys is in good hands.
I gotta go now. My country calls.
Well, you'll be back for Easter.
Of course.
We'll be having eggs.
Take care.
Whoa!
Don't know your own strength.
Keep it.
I can always use a good hand.
See you later. Peace.
He's funny, sporty, and mysterious.
* Let the bells ring out for Christmas *
Uh-oh.
* At the closing of the year *
Patrick?
Here!
Just checking!
* Now all the winter bells are ringing *
* Hear them echo through the snow *
* And the children's voices singing *
* On the streets so far below *
* This is a time to be together *
* And the truth is somewhere here *
* Within our love of people *
* At the closing of the year *
* We'll walk in a sun
* With all of the faith *
* And all of the patience *
* All of the way
* With all of us right *
* And all of us saying
* "No one an island"
* We'll fly in the arms of time *
* Walk in the waves, never fall *
* Don't fall
* At the closing of the year *
(moo)
* If I cannot bring you comfort *
* Then at least I bring you hope *
* Ooh
* Nah-nah-nah nah-nah
* Mmmm
* Memories of things
* That never happened
* These are always the hardest to forget *
* All the old friends
* And the loved ones
* These are the people I haven't even met *
* Looking forward into the old days *
* Looking back at what there's gonna be *
* There's no reality
* It's just an illusion
* There's no real sanity
* Just plain confusion
* How do you feel?
* Well, I don't know just how I feel *
* All I know is that I love you, girl *
* It's so real, it's so real, it's so real *
Here we go!
LESLIE: We have a tradition of whimsy here
at Zevo Toys.
Dad began that tradition
with Milton the Friendly Elephant,
and it carries all the way through the new line.
* There is no single circumstance *
* I never took a final chance *
* I made it something
* That you can see and touch forever *
* I always looked the same from every angle *
* And never cast a shadow *
* That would change the way *
* You thought about your very being *
* That what you were seeing *
* Would always be
the truth *