1
00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:28,944
<i>Oh, America.</i>

2
00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,947
<i>I wish I could tell you
that this was still America...</i>

3
00:00:32,449 --> 00:00:35,651
<i>but I've come to realize that you
can't have a country without people.</i>

4
00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:39,255
<i>And there are no people here.</i>

5
00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:47,856
No!

6
00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:52,686
Go back...

7
00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:53,970
Fuck!

8
00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,140
<i>No, my friends.</i>

9
00:00:58,408 --> 00:01:01,252
<i>This is now
the United States of Zombieland.</i>

10
00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:08,565
<i>It's amazing how quickly things
can go from bad,</i>

11
00:01:08,766 --> 00:01:10,219
<i>to total shit storm.</i>

12
00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:14,064
<i>And why am I alive when everyone
around me has turned to meat?</i>

13
00:01:14,699 --> 00:01:16,667
<i>It's because of my list of rules.</i>

14
00:01:17,535 --> 00:01:19,753
<i>Rule number one
for surviving Zombieland.</i>

15
00:01:20,054 --> 00:01:21,046
<i>Cardio.</i>

16
00:01:22,707 --> 00:01:24,544
Fuck!
<b><i>When the virus struck,</i></b>

17
00:01:24,845 --> 00:01:26,402
<i>for obvious reasons...</i>

18
00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:28,059
<i>the first ones to go,</i>

19
00:01:28,060 --> 00:01:29,104
<i>were the fatties.</i>

20
00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:34,727
<i>Poor fat bastard.</i>

21
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:39,681
<i>But as the infection spread
and the chaos grew,</i>

22
00:01:39,849 --> 00:01:41,951
<i>it wasn't enough
to just be fast on your feet.</i>

23
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,055
<i>You had to get a gun
and learn how to use it.</i>

24
00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:48,153
<i>Which leads me to my second rule.</i>

25
00:01:48,554 --> 00:01:49,524
<i>The Double Tap.</i>

26
00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:55,197
<i>In those moments when you're not sure
the undead are really dead, dead,</i>

27
00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:57,266
<i>don't get all stingy with your bullets.</i>

28
00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:59,769
<i>I mean, one more clean shot
to the head,</i>

29
00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:04,808
<i>and this lady could have avoided
becoming a human Happy Meal.</i>

30
00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,811
<i>Woulda, coulda, shoulda.</i>

31
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:11,964
<i>Wasn't long before the zombies
began to get clever.</i>

32
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,907
<i>When you're at your most vulnerable,</i>

33
00:02:13,908 --> 00:02:15,467
<i>somehow they could just smell it.</i>

34
00:02:15,835 --> 00:02:18,187
Can't a guy take a dumper in peace?

35
00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:26,741
<i>Don't let them catch you
with your pants down.</i>

36
00:02:26,742 --> 00:02:27,829
<i>Rule number three.</i>

37
00:02:27,830 --> 00:02:28,930
<i>Beware of bathrooms.</i>

38
00:02:31,576 --> 00:02:33,636
<i>As zombies began
to outnumber humans.</i>

39
00:02:34,104 --> 00:02:36,522
<i>Well, that's when you had to cut
all emotional ties.</i>

40
00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:40,076
<i>If the girls in your neighborhood
are now fucked-up little monsters.</i>

41
00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:44,477
<i>Well, maybe it's time
to stop driving carpool.</i>

42
00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:51,591
<i>You had to focus,</i>

43
00:02:51,592 --> 00:02:52,963
<i>on your own survival.</i>

44
00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:54,353
<i>Which leads to rule number four.</i>

45
00:02:55,154 --> 00:02:56,154
<i>Pretty basic.</i>

46
00:03:04,201 --> 00:03:05,420
<i>Fasten your seat belts.</i>

47
00:03:05,521 --> 00:03:07,737
<i>It's gonna be a bumpy ride.</i>

48
00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:55,470
<i>That guy down there...</i>

49
00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:56,538
<i>is me.</i>

50
00:04:57,239 --> 00:04:58,480
<i>I'm in Garland, Texas.</i>

51
00:04:58,481 --> 00:05:01,767
<i>And it may look like zombies destroyed
it but, that's actually just Garland.</i>

52
00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:02,848
<i>It's been two months,</i>

53
00:05:02,849 --> 00:05:06,930
<i>since patient zero took a bite of
a contaminated burger at a Gas N' Gulp.</i>

54
00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:10,893
<i>Just two months and I might be the
last non-cannibal freak in the country.</i>

55
00:05:11,761 --> 00:05:14,949
<i>I may seem like an unlikely
survivor with all my phobias,</i>

56
00:05:14,950 --> 00:05:16,782
<i>and irritable-bowel syndrome,</i>

57
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:20,950
<i>but I had the advantage of never
having any friends or any close family.</i>

58
00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:23,733
<i>I survive because I play it safe,</i>

59
00:05:23,734 --> 00:05:24,956
<i>and follow the rules.</i>

60
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:26,808
<i>My rules.</i>

61
00:05:56,272 --> 00:05:57,272
Shit.

62
00:06:10,953 --> 00:06:12,121
Of course.

63
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,592
Motherfucker.

64
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:07,921
<i>On the bright side,</i>

65
00:07:08,222 --> 00:07:10,046
<i>I had found a place
to go number two.</i>

66
00:07:15,184 --> 00:07:17,145
<i>Another rule to surviving Zombieland.</i>

67
00:07:17,146 --> 00:07:18,086
<i>Travel light.</i>

68
00:07:18,863 --> 00:07:20,722
<i>And I don't mean just luggage.</i>

69
00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:22,824
<i>I've always been kind of a loner.</i>

70
00:07:23,192 --> 00:07:25,193
<i>I avoided people
like they were zombies,</i>

71
00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:26,970
<i>even before they were zombies.</i>

72
00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:28,928
<i>Now that they are all zombies,</i>

73
00:07:29,729 --> 00:07:30,857
<i>I kind of miss people.</i>

74
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:34,611
<i>So I'm on my way from my
college dorm in Austin, Texas,</i>

75
00:07:34,612 --> 00:07:35,930
<i>to Columbus, Ohio,</i>

76
00:07:36,231 --> 00:07:38,173
<i>where I'm hoping
my parents are still alive.</i>

77
00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:40,642
<i>Even though we were never
really close,</i>

78
00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,690
<i>it would be nice to see a familiar face,</i>

79
00:07:42,891 --> 00:07:45,220
<i>or any face, that doesn't have blood
dripping from its lips</i>

80
00:07:45,221 --> 00:07:46,649
<i>and flesh between its teeth.</i>

81
00:09:16,305 --> 00:09:17,389
Thank you.

82
00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:25,802
What are you looking for?

83
00:09:25,803 --> 00:09:27,482
Nothing. I just have this list.

84
00:09:28,059 --> 00:09:30,160
No one back there but my duffel bag.

85
00:09:33,361 --> 00:09:34,161
Alright.

86
00:09:34,690 --> 00:09:35,476
What's your name?

87
00:09:35,777 --> 00:09:37,626
Stop. No names.

88
00:09:37,894 --> 00:09:39,678
Keeps us from getting too familiar.

89
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:43,916
You almost knocked over your
alcohol with your knife.

90
00:09:45,576 --> 00:09:46,554
That's ok, you don't have to...

91
00:09:46,555 --> 00:09:47,415
So...

92
00:09:47,716 --> 00:09:48,716
where you headed?

93
00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:51,249
Columbus.

94
00:09:51,350 --> 00:09:51,940
You?

95
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:54,610
Tallahassee.

96
00:09:58,289 --> 00:09:59,289
Plus?

97
00:09:59,490 --> 00:10:00,520
No, one for me.

98
00:10:00,521 --> 00:10:01,719
One and done, I always say.

99
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:02,818
I said that once.

100
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:04,887
You know...

101
00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:06,879
Tallahassee and Columbus are both...

102
00:10:08,580 --> 00:10:09,224
east.

103
00:10:09,491 --> 00:10:10,191
So?

104
00:10:10,192 --> 00:10:10,820
So...

105
00:10:11,421 --> 00:10:12,575
Tallahassee,

106
00:10:12,876 --> 00:10:13,903
you wanna stick together?

107
00:10:13,921 --> 00:10:14,956
Least. Least for a while?

108
00:10:15,257 --> 00:10:17,183
Here's the deal, Columbus.

109
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,635
I'm not easy to get along with,

110
00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:23,138
and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch.

111
00:10:23,139 --> 00:10:23,931
So...

112
00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:27,751
I give this relationship
to about Texarkana.

113
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:28,891
Really? Yeah.

114
00:10:28,892 --> 00:10:30,346
You'll take me as far as Texarkana.

115
00:10:31,213 --> 00:10:33,490
You're a peppy little spit-fuck,
aren't you?

116
00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:36,885
You might wanna buckle up
for safety.

117
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:40,389
I can tell already
you are gonna get on my nerves.

118
00:10:42,591 --> 00:10:44,334
<i>Even though teaming up
wasn't my style...</i>

119
00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:46,670
<i>I figured I'd be safer
with Tallahassee.</i>

120
00:10:47,137 --> 00:10:49,102
<i>You see, he was in
the ass-kicking business,</i>

121
00:10:49,103 --> 00:10:49,639
<i>and...</i>

122
00:10:49,642 --> 00:10:51,172
Business is good.

123
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:56,263
<i>It became quickly apparent, however,
that he did have one weakness.</i>

124
00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:58,448
What are we doing here?

125
00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:00,909
Well, take a look.
It's a goddamn Hostess truck.

126
00:11:01,177 --> 00:11:02,926
Yeah, I see that, a Hostess truck.

127
00:11:02,927 --> 00:11:03,927
So what?

128
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:06,155
I could use a Twinkie.

129
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:13,507
You coming?

130
00:11:14,208 --> 00:11:14,799
Yes.

131
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:15,282
Yeah.

132
00:11:15,583 --> 00:11:16,592
One second.

133
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:22,482
Are you fucking with me?

134
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:23,948
No.

135
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,018
You should actually limber up
as well.

136
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,687
Especially if we are going down
that hill.

137
00:11:28,896 --> 00:11:30,046
It is very important.

138
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:31,840
I don't believe in it.

139
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:35,610
You ever see a lion limber up
before it takes down a gazelle?

140
00:12:00,636 --> 00:12:01,770
Sno Balls?
Yeah.

141
00:12:03,005 --> 00:12:04,173
Sno Balls?

142
00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:08,309
Where's the fucking, Twinkies?

143
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:09,953
I like Sno Balls.

144
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,623
I hate coconut.
Not the taste, consistency.

145
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,217
Fresh.

146
00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:20,464
Oh, this Twinkie thing, it ain't over yet.

147
00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:24,524
Hey,

148
00:12:24,525 --> 00:12:25,845
this may be a bad time...

149
00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:26,654
But...

150
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:29,248
I gotta take the Browns
to the Super Bowl.

151
00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:31,116
Really?
Really.

152
00:12:38,048 --> 00:12:40,300
<i>I know, again, so soon?</i>

153
00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:41,050
<i>What can I say?</i>

154
00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:43,595
<i>I have a case of chronic anxiety.</i>

155
00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:48,660
<i>Truth is,</i>

156
00:12:48,661 --> 00:12:49,958
<i>I was always kind of phobic.</i>

157
00:12:50,559 --> 00:12:52,304
<i>I found lots of things disturbing.</i>

158
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:56,074
<i>Like undertow
or department store Santas.</i>

159
00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:57,984
<i>Being alone with a baby.</i>

160
00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:03,465
<i>But the thing I fear more than anything,
yes, even more than zombies...</i>

161
00:13:05,409 --> 00:13:06,676
<i>fucking clowns.</i>

162
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,340
<i>When you're afraid of everything
that's out there,</i>

163
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:14,343
<i>you quit going out there,</i>

164
00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,312
<i>which is what happened to me
before Zombieland.</i>

165
00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:19,404
<i>Friday night,</i>

166
00:13:19,805 --> 00:13:21,358
<i>third straight week indoors.</i>

167
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,260
<i>World of Warcraft,</i>

168
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,854
<i>leaning tower of pizza boxes,</i>

169
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:28,006
<i>Code Red Mountain Dew.</i>

170
00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,300
<i>Pride, nowhere.</i>

171
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,477
<i>Dignity, long gone.</i>

172
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,230
<i>Virginity, totally justifiable
to speculate on.</i>

173
00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:36,232
Smooth.

174
00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:39,868
<i>My whole life, all I'd ever wanted
was to find a girl,</i>

175
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:41,544
<i>and fall in love,</i>

176
00:13:41,745 --> 00:13:43,555
<i>bring her home to meet the folks.</i>

177
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,741
<i>Then again, since my folks
are a couple of paranoid shut-ins like me,</i>

178
00:13:47,109 --> 00:13:49,410
<i>maybe this girl could
bring me home to her folks.</i>

179
00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:52,798
<i>And then I'd finally be a member
of a cool, functional family.</i>

180
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:55,084
408.

181
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,254
Please, is anyone home?
Please, it's an emergency.

182
00:13:59,755 --> 00:14:02,423
<i>I don't usually unlock my door
to the sounds of panic,</i>

183
00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:04,509
<i>but my neighbor 406 is insanely hot.</i>

184
00:14:04,877 --> 00:14:05,994
Ok, ok.

185
00:14:10,558 --> 00:14:12,835
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

186
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,270
Nice to meet you.

187
00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:21,193
Here.

188
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:24,012
There you go.

189
00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:30,522
Mountain Dew?
Yeah.

190
00:14:30,823 --> 00:14:31,823
Code Red.

191
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,240
And here's some Golden Grahams.

192
00:14:33,541 --> 00:14:35,523
The Ziploc bag keeps them crisp.

193
00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:37,111
Ok.

194
00:14:37,112 --> 00:14:38,426
Keep that there.

195
00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:41,212
So, tell me what happened.

196
00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:46,410
He was homeless and...
and... and... sick.

197
00:14:46,977 --> 00:14:49,854
And I was walking home from the bar,
talking on my phone...

198
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:51,457
and then...

199
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:54,009
he just came sprinting towards me.

200
00:14:54,476 --> 00:14:56,550
I mean, not, not running,

201
00:14:56,951 --> 00:14:58,104
sprinting.

202
00:14:58,355 --> 00:14:59,947
And... and...
and I thought, you know,

203
00:14:59,948 --> 00:15:02,383
like maybe he was...
running from someone or...

204
00:15:02,384 --> 00:15:06,638
or after someone, but last time I saw
he was still out there going crazy.

205
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:08,631
Drugs, maybe?

206
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,936
I didn't even tell you the worst part.

207
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:15,330
Yeah?

208
00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:17,799
He tried to bite me.

209
00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:21,640
You're right, that's the worst part.

210
00:15:21,641 --> 00:15:25,373
I'm sorry. I'm just so scared.

211
00:15:25,841 --> 00:15:29,844
No, no, no, you should be scared.
A homeless man just tried to eat you.

212
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:32,280
That's the right kind of scared.
That's reasonable scared.

213
00:15:32,281 --> 00:15:34,606
You know I get scared for things that,
like don't make sense at all like,

214
00:15:34,677 --> 00:15:36,592
clowns with red noses...

215
00:15:36,535 --> 00:15:39,966
Or like the rags they use to wipe
down tables when you finish eating like at...

216
00:15:39,967 --> 00:15:41,034
a chain restaurant.

217
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:42,440
Really?

218
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:46,605
Look the point is,
I am here for you, ok?

219
00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:49,770
And as long as you are by my side,
I am not leaving this apartment.

220
00:15:50,682 --> 00:15:53,176
Do you mind if I just close
my eyes for a minute?

221
00:15:53,485 --> 00:15:55,246
No, of course. Of course.

222
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:56,879
Thank you.
Ok.

223
00:15:58,991 --> 00:16:01,725
<i>Set aside the feverish,
homeless cannibal,</i>

224
00:16:01,726 --> 00:16:02,926
<i>I'm living the dream.</i>

225
00:16:03,528 --> 00:16:05,853
<i>I had always, my whole life,</i>

226
00:16:05,864 --> 00:16:08,359
<i>wanted to brush a girl's hair
over her ear.</i>

227
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,434
Good night.
Good night.

228
00:16:27,953 --> 00:16:28,953
Oh, my God.

229
00:16:29,788 --> 00:16:30,882
Are you ok?

230
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:38,357
Ok, ok, ok.
Stop, stop, stop.

231
00:16:39,464 --> 00:16:40,488
What are you doing?

232
00:16:47,539 --> 00:16:49,126
Look, stay back, 406, ok?

233
00:16:49,127 --> 00:16:50,831
I don't wanna hurt you, but...

234
00:16:51,243 --> 00:16:52,243
Shit.

235
00:17:04,323 --> 00:17:06,751
Oh, my God,
I'm so fucking sorry.

236
00:17:45,630 --> 00:17:47,464
<i>You see, you just can't trust anyone.</i>

237
00:17:47,933 --> 00:17:51,034
<i>The first time I let a girl into
my life and she tries to eat me.</i>

238
00:18:05,450 --> 00:18:06,365
Please.

239
00:18:07,466 --> 00:18:08,511
Listen to me.

240
00:18:09,354 --> 00:18:10,354
406.

241
00:18:11,523 --> 00:18:12,754
If you're in there,

242
00:18:14,893 --> 00:18:16,104
you're just sick.

243
00:18:16,405 --> 00:18:17,128
Ok?

244
00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:36,872
<i>That was my first brush with
the plague of the 21st century.</i>

245
00:18:37,382 --> 00:18:38,940
<i>Remember mad cow disease?</i>

246
00:18:39,151 --> 00:18:42,450
<i>Well, mad cow became mad person
became mad zombie.</i>

247
00:18:42,654 --> 00:18:46,681
<i>It's a fast-acting virus that left you
with a swollen brain, a raging fever,</i>

248
00:18:46,892 --> 00:18:48,860
<i>that made you hateful, violent,</i>

249
00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:51,858
<i>and gave you a really, really bad
case of the munchies.</i>

250
00:18:52,063 --> 00:18:53,654
Alright, you steer, I'll push.

251
00:18:55,232 --> 00:18:55,894
Ok.

252
00:19:02,107 --> 00:19:04,637
I've heard there is a place
that's untouched by this crap.

253
00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:06,585
Back east, yeah?
Yeah.

254
00:19:06,586 --> 00:19:07,606
Yeah. You heard the same thing?

255
00:19:08,079 --> 00:19:12,209
Out west, we hear it's back east.
Back east, they hear it's out west.

256
00:19:12,417 --> 00:19:15,015
It's all just, nonsense.

257
00:19:15,420 --> 00:19:18,088
You know, you're like a penguin
on the North Pole,

258
00:19:18,389 --> 00:19:20,917
who hears the South Pole
is really nice this time of year.

259
00:19:21,426 --> 00:19:23,388
There are no penguins
on the North Pole.

260
00:19:25,363 --> 00:19:27,431
You wanna feel how hard
I can punch?

261
00:19:29,968 --> 00:19:31,265
So, what do you think?

262
00:19:31,470 --> 00:19:33,338
Wait, the last time I laid some pipe?

263
00:19:34,139 --> 00:19:36,433
Last time you went 20 toes,

264
00:19:36,434 --> 00:19:37,966
put Percy in the playpen?

265
00:19:38,176 --> 00:19:39,065
Who's Percy?

266
00:19:39,077 --> 00:19:40,476
Wallpapered the closet,

267
00:19:40,477 --> 00:19:41,509
passed the gravy.

268
00:19:41,613 --> 00:19:43,205
Went heels to Jesus.

269
00:19:43,806 --> 00:19:44,741
Made love.

270
00:19:44,950 --> 00:19:46,779
Well, just sex.

271
00:19:50,055 --> 00:19:51,522
Three weeks ago. Yeah.

272
00:19:51,823 --> 00:19:53,454
In the back
of an abandoned FedEx truck.

273
00:19:53,925 --> 00:19:55,523
Yeah.
Shut up.

274
00:19:56,024 --> 00:19:58,055
No, no, I...
I was headed east.

275
00:19:58,263 --> 00:19:59,640
She...

276
00:19:59,641 --> 00:20:00,356
west.

277
00:20:01,065 --> 00:20:02,992
And we took shelter
in the back of the truck.

278
00:20:03,201 --> 00:20:04,738
It was full of undelivered packages.

279
00:20:04,739 --> 00:20:05,970
What was her name?

280
00:20:06,571 --> 00:20:07,670
Beverly.

281
00:20:08,173 --> 00:20:09,299
Beverly Hills.

282
00:20:09,508 --> 00:20:10,634
You dog.

283
00:20:13,245 --> 00:20:14,240
So...

284
00:20:14,541 --> 00:20:15,513
what about you?

285
00:20:15,580 --> 00:20:16,602
Me?

286
00:20:17,003 --> 00:20:18,813
I... I...

287
00:20:24,789 --> 00:20:25,899
Oh, my God.

288
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:27,417
It makes you sick.

289
00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:29,490
You know, it makes you sad,
it makes you...

290
00:20:30,795 --> 00:20:32,156
It makes you think if you can go back

291
00:20:32,557 --> 00:20:34,053
to the way things were right now,

292
00:20:34,054 --> 00:20:35,494
you know, you'd be...

293
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:37,472
You'd be out in the backyard, you know,

294
00:20:37,473 --> 00:20:39,063
trying to catch fireflies.

295
00:20:40,372 --> 00:20:41,566
And instead this.

296
00:20:44,809 --> 00:20:46,095
I mean, it makes you...

297
00:20:46,096 --> 00:20:47,134
Hungry.

298
00:20:47,546 --> 00:20:49,004
I'm worried about you.

299
00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:52,483
Look, whatever you have
waiting for you in Columbus,

300
00:20:52,484 --> 00:20:56,978
I promise you it ain't prettier than
our friend here enjoying her Manwich.

301
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:07,396
<i>Tallahassee had a sick sense
of humor when it came to zombies.</i>

302
00:21:07,999 --> 00:21:11,400
<i>Zombies aren't the most lovable
creatures, but he really hated them.</i>

303
00:21:11,636 --> 00:21:15,800
<i>The only thing he was more obsessed with
than killing zombies, was finding a Twinkie.</i>

304
00:21:16,401 --> 00:21:19,607
<i>Something about a Twinkie reminded
him of a time not so long ago,</i>

305
00:21:19,811 --> 00:21:22,772
<i>when things were simple
and not so fucking psychotic.</i>

306
00:21:23,582 --> 00:21:26,813
<i>It was like if he got a taste
of that comforting childhood treat,</i>

307
00:21:27,018 --> 00:21:28,451
<i>the world would
become innocent again,</i>

308
00:21:28,653 --> 00:21:30,344
<i>and everything would return
to normal.</i>

309
00:21:31,356 --> 00:21:32,751
What, are you prospecting?

310
00:21:33,825 --> 00:21:35,085
Jesus Christ.

311
00:21:35,727 --> 00:21:37,158
You are a dangerous man.

312
00:21:38,763 --> 00:21:40,930
You're gonna risk our lives
for a Twinkie?

313
00:21:41,833 --> 00:21:44,631
There is a box of Twinkies
in that grocery store.

314
00:21:44,836 --> 00:21:46,633
Not just any box of Twinkies.

315
00:21:47,038 --> 00:21:51,932
The last box of Twinkies that anyone
will enjoy in the whole universe.

316
00:21:52,043 --> 00:21:55,041
Believe it or not,
Twinkies have an expiration date.

317
00:21:55,814 --> 00:21:57,233
Someday very soon,

318
00:21:57,634 --> 00:22:00,344
life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go...

319
00:22:00,845 --> 00:22:01,875
empty.

320
00:22:02,887 --> 00:22:05,122
Time to nut up or shut up.

321
00:22:08,026 --> 00:22:10,017
<i>When Tallahassee
goes Hulk on a zombie,</i>

322
00:22:10,228 --> 00:22:12,761
<i>he sets the standard
for not-to-be-fucked-with.</i>

323
00:22:13,264 --> 00:22:14,993
<i>No fear, nothing to lose.</i>

324
00:22:15,634 --> 00:22:17,263
<i>What can I say? It's like...</i>

325
00:22:17,564 --> 00:22:18,595
<i>It's like art.</i>

326
00:22:37,322 --> 00:22:38,780
You got a pretty mouth.

327
00:22:49,968 --> 00:22:50,930
Don't swing, don't swing.

328
00:22:51,736 --> 00:22:52,494
Swing.

329
00:22:58,043 --> 00:22:58,991
Thank you.

330
00:22:59,292 --> 00:23:00,311
You owe me.

331
00:23:01,946 --> 00:23:02,946
Yeah.

332
00:23:03,748 --> 00:23:04,874
You're incredible.

333
00:23:05,083 --> 00:23:06,148
I know.
Yeah.

334
00:23:06,651 --> 00:23:09,052
Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie.

335
00:23:11,256 --> 00:23:12,346
Big Hoss.

336
00:23:19,130 --> 00:23:22,124
Come here, big fella.
Just gonna take a little off the top.

337
00:23:29,607 --> 00:23:32,167
These fellas really let themselves go.

338
00:23:32,610 --> 00:23:34,107
And they're so fat.

339
00:23:34,812 --> 00:23:36,507
I think we should probably
just keep going.

340
00:23:40,518 --> 00:23:43,112
<i>All I could think of was,
what are the odds?</i>

341
00:23:43,321 --> 00:23:46,048
<i>Another marriageable woman
to bring home to the folks.</i>

342
00:23:47,092 --> 00:23:48,252
Come quick.

343
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:52,096
<i>Someone's ear is in danger
of having hair brushed over it.</i>

344
00:23:55,166 --> 00:23:56,166
Hey.

345
00:23:57,102 --> 00:23:58,233
I'll catch up.

346
00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:02,913
<i>Rule number 22.</i>

347
00:24:03,214 --> 00:24:05,037
<i>When in doubt,
know your way out.</i>

348
00:24:14,419 --> 00:24:15,759
They're sisters.

349
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:17,547
The, little one's been bitten.

350
00:24:17,555 --> 00:24:19,785
Act normal.
Try not to freak her out.

351
00:24:19,791 --> 00:24:20,886
Yeah.

352
00:24:22,927 --> 00:24:25,395
Columbus, Wichita, Little Rock.

353
00:24:27,699 --> 00:24:30,233
So, you did all this for a Twinkie?

354
00:24:30,668 --> 00:24:31,774
No, no, no, he did.

355
00:24:32,075 --> 00:24:33,190
I'm just kind of like a...

356
00:24:33,291 --> 00:24:35,301
Sancho Panza character.

357
00:24:37,675 --> 00:24:38,773
Look...

358
00:24:38,774 --> 00:24:39,700
I don't think she has long.

359
00:24:40,111 --> 00:24:42,200
Yeah, I know. I know, and she knows.

360
00:24:42,201 --> 00:24:43,841
We're just looking for a way out.

361
00:24:45,383 --> 00:24:46,716
No, no, no, no.

362
00:24:46,917 --> 00:24:48,074
She's just a little girl.

363
00:24:48,153 --> 00:24:50,118
Don't talk about me like I'm not here.

364
00:24:50,789 --> 00:24:51,953
Right, sorry.

365
00:24:53,258 --> 00:24:54,487
Look, I know...

366
00:24:54,788 --> 00:24:56,754
I know that you're really sick.

367
00:24:58,296 --> 00:24:59,866
But, your sister wants me...

368
00:25:00,598 --> 00:25:01,949
It's not her decision...

369
00:25:02,250 --> 00:25:03,250
Ok? It's mine.

370
00:25:03,868 --> 00:25:05,099
I made her promise.

371
00:25:07,371 --> 00:25:08,830
We already said goodbye, but...

372
00:25:09,231 --> 00:25:10,269
we didn't have a gun.

373
00:25:10,275 --> 00:25:12,340
What. We don't know that
there is no cure. alright?

374
00:25:12,341 --> 00:25:13,642
You're just gutless!

375
00:25:14,879 --> 00:25:16,005
Give him the gun.

376
00:25:32,964 --> 00:25:35,694
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

377
00:25:38,570 --> 00:25:39,594
I'll do it.

378
00:25:57,255 --> 00:25:59,490
I love you.
I love you too.

379
00:26:10,468 --> 00:26:11,560
You need some help?

380
00:26:12,337 --> 00:26:13,964
Now that you mention it,

381
00:26:14,672 --> 00:26:17,266
we'll take your weapons,
your car keys, your ammunition.

382
00:26:17,475 --> 00:26:19,418
And if you've got it, sugarless gum.

383
00:26:19,519 --> 00:26:20,806
What the fuck?

384
00:26:22,413 --> 00:26:24,313
Wait, why are you guys doing this?

385
00:26:24,749 --> 00:26:26,842
Well, better you make the mistake
of trusting us

386
00:26:27,051 --> 00:26:28,710
than us make the mistake
of trusting you.

387
00:26:31,956 --> 00:26:34,991
<i>Ofcourse, the first hot girl
in 1000 miles shows up,</i>

388
00:26:35,092 --> 00:26:36,193
<i>makes me feel like an idiot,</i>

389
00:26:36,194 --> 00:26:39,055
<i>steals my double-barrel and then says
I'm the one that can't be trusted.</i>

390
00:26:44,335 --> 00:26:45,597
Nice going, genius.

391
00:26:45,903 --> 00:26:47,471
You're the one that gave her the gun.

392
00:26:47,972 --> 00:26:50,032
Those guys were dumb.

393
00:26:52,644 --> 00:26:54,609
Avoid the vanity mirror.

394
00:26:54,712 --> 00:26:56,976
Relax, ok?
I just passed for a zombie.

395
00:26:59,083 --> 00:27:03,483
What I'd give for a shower...
Do not say S-H-O-W-E-R, ok?

396
00:27:04,021 --> 00:27:05,348
Let's just get where we're going.

397
00:27:06,157 --> 00:27:07,580
So do you think it's true?

398
00:27:07,581 --> 00:27:08,855
Is what true?

399
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:10,651
You know, about Pacific Playland?

400
00:27:11,362 --> 00:27:12,602
Totally zombie-free.

401
00:27:13,103 --> 00:27:14,421
Only place west of Waco.

402
00:27:16,935 --> 00:27:18,000
Trust me.

403
00:27:21,172 --> 00:27:23,972
So he's on one of these serious
Tour de France bikes.

404
00:27:24,008 --> 00:27:25,901
You know with like the toeholds, right?

405
00:27:26,110 --> 00:27:27,572
And he's pedaling,

406
00:27:27,573 --> 00:27:29,830
and the zombie's head is like,

407
00:27:29,831 --> 00:27:30,970
caught in the gear.

408
00:27:31,316 --> 00:27:33,420
You know, with the hair
in the chain just like...

409
00:27:33,721 --> 00:27:34,813
going around.

410
00:27:35,319 --> 00:27:36,482
Very cool.

411
00:27:37,188 --> 00:27:40,477
But... zombie kill of the week?

412
00:27:40,478 --> 00:27:41,791
No, sir.

413
00:27:42,327 --> 00:27:45,395
I saw this construction worker.
I shit you not,

414
00:27:46,497 --> 00:27:48,160
he is on a steamroller,

415
00:27:48,161 --> 00:27:49,864
and a zombie goes down
in front of him.

416
00:27:49,968 --> 00:27:52,528
You ever roll a tube of
toothpaste up from the bottom?

417
00:27:52,737 --> 00:27:54,066
Yeah. I always roll it up
from the bottom.

418
00:27:54,067 --> 00:27:56,706
Yeah. Well.
The zombie's head is the cap.

419
00:27:57,342 --> 00:28:00,407
Are you one of these guys that tries
to one-up everybody else's story?

420
00:28:00,845 --> 00:28:01,825
No.

421
00:28:02,126 --> 00:28:04,341
I knew a guy way worse at that,
than me.

422
00:28:05,149 --> 00:28:06,874
Alright, let's just try to find a car.

423
00:28:07,385 --> 00:28:08,518
Oh, which reminds me,

424
00:28:08,619 --> 00:28:11,588
I never had headaches like this
till your ass came on board.

425
00:28:11,789 --> 00:28:15,783
I mean, do what you want with a man,
but do not fuck with his Cadillac.

426
00:28:16,494 --> 00:28:17,722
Hey, there is a nice minivan.

427
00:28:17,929 --> 00:28:20,254
Oh, you know something?
That is nice.

428
00:28:20,665 --> 00:28:22,162
That's a beautiful van.

429
00:28:24,035 --> 00:28:27,471
<i>Tallahassee believes you have
to blow off steam in Zombieland</i>

430
00:28:27,472 --> 00:28:29,366
<i>or else you lose what's left
of your mind.</i>

431
00:28:30,274 --> 00:28:33,439
<i>If it makes him happy and keeps him
from using that crowbar on me,</i>

432
00:28:33,745 --> 00:28:35,770
<i>then I say, Hey, go ape shit.</i>

433
00:28:36,481 --> 00:28:38,472
I want my Caddy back!

434
00:28:39,384 --> 00:28:41,544
Stupid little bitches!

435
00:28:49,859 --> 00:28:51,486
I think I pulled something.

436
00:28:53,097 --> 00:28:56,596
Think the two of us are smart enough
to come up with a con like that?

437
00:29:00,605 --> 00:29:01,832
You hesitated.

438
00:29:04,442 --> 00:29:06,226
Is it better to be smart...

439
00:29:07,227 --> 00:29:08,302
or lucky?

440
00:29:09,347 --> 00:29:11,473
Look at what we got here.

441
00:29:34,639 --> 00:29:35,639
Come on.

442
00:29:40,445 --> 00:29:41,138
That's nice.

443
00:29:41,139 --> 00:29:42,213
Smell the finger?

444
00:29:47,118 --> 00:29:48,618
Yes.

445
00:29:52,990 --> 00:29:55,618
Thank God for rednecks.

446
00:29:56,327 --> 00:29:58,895
This is a really big truck...

447
00:29:59,396 --> 00:30:00,639
and these are really...

448
00:30:01,340 --> 00:30:02,929
big guns.

449
00:30:03,968 --> 00:30:05,060
Take your time.

450
00:30:29,060 --> 00:30:30,019
You know they say.

451
00:30:30,020 --> 00:30:33,092
He who seeks revenge should
remember to dig two graves.

452
00:30:33,297 --> 00:30:34,816
Right. Two graves.

453
00:30:34,817 --> 00:30:36,142
One for the big chick,

454
00:30:36,143 --> 00:30:37,461
one for the little chick.

455
00:30:37,802 --> 00:30:39,264
You are scary happy.

456
00:30:42,273 --> 00:30:45,436
Come on, why don't we just forget
about those girls and head home?

457
00:30:45,643 --> 00:30:47,738
You want to talk about home?

458
00:30:48,779 --> 00:30:50,351
For me home was a...

459
00:30:51,152 --> 00:30:52,941
puppy named Buck.

460
00:30:54,051 --> 00:30:55,582
Cutest dog ever.

461
00:31:03,294 --> 00:31:05,592
All those fucking zombies.

462
00:31:06,664 --> 00:31:07,688
I lost him.

463
00:31:08,533 --> 00:31:10,733
And there ain't no getting
him back, so...

464
00:31:12,090 --> 00:31:13,594
I'm looking for a new home.

465
00:31:14,939 --> 00:31:16,379
Tomorrow maybe...

466
00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:20,042
skinny dipping in
the Yellowstone River,

467
00:31:20,443 --> 00:31:24,056
or swinging from the chandeliers
in the Playboy Mansion but today,

468
00:31:24,357 --> 00:31:27,316
a Vortec six fucking liter V8,

469
00:31:27,618 --> 00:31:31,515
a box full of hollow points
and Lord willing a GD Twinkie.

470
00:31:33,291 --> 00:31:35,282
Gotta enjoy the little things.

471
00:31:37,695 --> 00:31:40,664
<i>I hate to give credit to anyone
who looks like Yosemite Sam,</i>

472
00:31:40,865 --> 00:31:42,064
<i>but I'm writing it down.</i>

473
00:31:42,466 --> 00:31:43,766
<i>Rule number 32.</i>

474
00:31:44,167 --> 00:31:45,334
<i>Enjoy the little things.</i>

475
00:31:53,177 --> 00:31:54,904
Knowing them, it's a trap.

476
00:31:55,513 --> 00:31:56,831
Wait here.

477
00:31:56,832 --> 00:31:58,446
Drive down if I signal.

478
00:31:59,083 --> 00:32:00,642
You're not gonna shoot them,
are you?

479
00:32:01,352 --> 00:32:03,148
Not unless they shoot at me.

480
00:32:04,388 --> 00:32:06,523
Oh, let's hope they shoot at me.

481
00:32:57,675 --> 00:32:59,475
Looks like they hoofed it.

482
00:33:00,278 --> 00:33:01,776
Probably headed west.

483
00:33:02,780 --> 00:33:05,048
Just drive slow,
keep your eyes peeled.

484
00:33:05,349 --> 00:33:06,078
Sure.

485
00:33:10,454 --> 00:33:11,924
They're in the back, aren't they?

486
00:33:11,925 --> 00:33:12,722
Just me.

487
00:33:14,425 --> 00:33:15,641
I'm really sorry.

488
00:33:15,642 --> 00:33:17,121
She was like a crouching tiger.

489
00:33:17,595 --> 00:33:20,721
You got taken hostage
by a 12 year old?

490
00:33:20,865 --> 00:33:22,739
Girls mature faster than boys.

491
00:33:22,740 --> 00:33:24,357
She's way ahead of where
I was at that age.

492
00:33:24,568 --> 00:33:26,048
Twelve's the new 20.

493
00:33:26,449 --> 00:33:27,462
Gun, please.

494
00:33:27,872 --> 00:33:29,867
Like you would ever use that thing.

495
00:33:30,274 --> 00:33:32,609
Don't kill me with my own gun!

496
00:33:33,411 --> 00:33:35,072
All those violent video games.

497
00:33:35,279 --> 00:33:36,542
Yeah.
Thank you.

498
00:33:37,448 --> 00:33:39,043
Now honk your horn.
What?

499
00:33:39,183 --> 00:33:40,280
Honk it.

500
00:33:45,556 --> 00:33:46,894
It's your sister with my gun.

501
00:33:47,095 --> 00:33:48,081
Hello.

502
00:33:52,463 --> 00:33:53,594
Bummer.

503
00:33:55,299 --> 00:33:56,933
Now step away from the vehicle.

504
00:33:59,737 --> 00:34:01,503
You get to ride shotgun.

505
00:34:09,313 --> 00:34:10,544
<i>I kind of like this girl.</i>

506
00:34:11,349 --> 00:34:13,846
<i>She's not your typical hot,
stuck-up bitch.</i>

507
00:34:15,119 --> 00:34:18,681
<i>Even before Zombieland, Wichita was
running the table on guys like us.</i>

508
00:34:34,004 --> 00:34:35,536
What are you looking for?

509
00:34:35,639 --> 00:34:37,073
My engagement ring.

510
00:34:38,542 --> 00:34:41,301
I took it off to pump my gas
and I thought that I...

511
00:34:41,702 --> 00:34:43,850
put it in my purse
but it must've fallen out,

512
00:34:44,251 --> 00:34:45,974
and I'm late for my flight and I...

513
00:34:45,983 --> 00:34:47,141
Well listen...

514
00:34:47,142 --> 00:34:50,044
I'll find your ring and I,
I'll FedEx it to you.

515
00:34:50,554 --> 00:34:51,821
I'll give you a reward.

516
00:34:52,823 --> 00:34:54,483
Don't be silly.
Three thousand dollars.

517
00:34:55,084 --> 00:34:56,560
It's worth more than my car.

518
00:34:58,462 --> 00:34:59,986
Just. Just give me your number.

519
00:35:01,365 --> 00:35:02,172
Yeah.

520
00:35:02,473 --> 00:35:03,428
I'll find it.

521
00:35:03,667 --> 00:35:05,658
Yeah, I'll start looking for it
right now.

522
00:35:05,870 --> 00:35:07,400
Because I got nothing else to do.

523
00:35:08,305 --> 00:35:09,905
I was engaged once,

524
00:35:10,408 --> 00:35:12,203
but I'm single now.

525
00:35:15,045 --> 00:35:16,244
Bye-bye.

526
00:35:19,350 --> 00:35:21,114
Hope you make your flight.

527
00:35:27,291 --> 00:35:29,225
No, but I know it's
around here somewhere.

528
00:35:29,327 --> 00:35:31,393
She's on a plane,
that's the beauty of it.

529
00:35:35,499 --> 00:35:36,889
Let me call you back.

530
00:35:37,201 --> 00:35:38,792
Hey, you found my ring.

531
00:35:40,538 --> 00:35:42,506
Thanks. I've been looking
all over for it.

532
00:35:43,207 --> 00:35:44,131
Your ring?

533
00:35:44,132 --> 00:35:45,402
Well, it's my friend's, you know.

534
00:35:45,609 --> 00:35:46,654
I'm gonna send it to her.

535
00:35:46,655 --> 00:35:48,271
Do I get a reward?

536
00:35:48,879 --> 00:35:52,973
Forty, 60, 80, 400.

537
00:35:53,584 --> 00:35:55,819
That's it.
That's the whole register.

538
00:35:58,956 --> 00:36:00,589
You made someone very happy.

539
00:36:02,026 --> 00:36:03,050
You too.

540
00:36:10,401 --> 00:36:11,569
Nice.

541
00:36:12,736 --> 00:36:14,031
How many left?

542
00:36:15,539 --> 00:36:16,604
Let me see.

543
00:36:18,576 --> 00:36:21,470
Enough for us to get to California.

544
00:36:22,746 --> 00:36:23,872
Someday, I want a ring this big.

545
00:36:24,781 --> 00:36:26,979
For the low price of 30 bucks, sold.

546
00:36:29,286 --> 00:36:32,255
<i>It's amazing how far you can get
with some costume jewelry</i>

547
00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:33,633
<i>and a cutthroat attitude.</i>

548
00:36:34,091 --> 00:36:36,885
<i>I guess we're just lucky they didn't
leave us by the side of the road.</i>

549
00:36:39,797 --> 00:36:41,152
Thank you, Wichita.

550
00:36:41,153 --> 00:36:41,997
Thanks, Little Rock.

551
00:36:47,137 --> 00:36:50,502
For fuck's sake, enough already!
We're being chased by ravenous freaks!

552
00:36:50,608 --> 00:36:51,976
We don't have enough problems?

553
00:36:52,776 --> 00:36:54,174
They stole my Hummer.

554
00:36:54,175 --> 00:36:55,745
We have trust issues.
Get over it, ok?

555
00:36:55,946 --> 00:36:57,311
We can't just fucking drive
down the road,

556
00:36:57,515 --> 00:37:01,210
playing I Spy or some shit for hours
like four normal-ass Americans?

557
00:37:01,719 --> 00:37:02,916
Fuck me!

558
00:37:03,420 --> 00:37:04,881
I know.

559
00:37:07,157 --> 00:37:08,647
Let me be the mature one.

560
00:37:10,261 --> 00:37:11,292
Good.

561
00:37:22,973 --> 00:37:24,010
So...

562
00:37:24,411 --> 00:37:25,569
where are you guys headed?

563
00:37:25,910 --> 00:37:27,271
Pacific Playland.

564
00:37:28,279 --> 00:37:29,507
The amusement park?

565
00:37:29,713 --> 00:37:31,092
Wait, outside L.A.?

566
00:37:31,093 --> 00:37:32,412
Yeah. We went there as kids.

567
00:37:33,217 --> 00:37:35,117
That place totally blows.

568
00:37:37,421 --> 00:37:39,946
My mind. It's. It's so fun.

569
00:37:40,357 --> 00:37:42,353
Just good entertainment
for the whole family.

570
00:37:42,354 --> 00:37:42,977
Yeah.

571
00:37:42,978 --> 00:37:44,928
Yeah, you know actually
I went there as a kid too.

572
00:37:45,029 --> 00:37:46,722
In fact, this probably counts
as off-season.

573
00:37:47,431 --> 00:37:48,679
Well, did you guys hear?

574
00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:49,899
There are no zombies there.

575
00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:51,331
Yeah, we heard.

576
00:37:51,735 --> 00:37:53,453
You know what I may not shoot you,

577
00:37:53,454 --> 00:37:56,438
but you have still royally pissed me off,

578
00:37:56,640 --> 00:38:00,269
and I'm not going to play with you
at Pacific Playland.

579
00:38:02,179 --> 00:38:03,853
Don't worry, he grows on you.

580
00:38:03,854 --> 00:38:04,773
Really?

581
00:38:04,982 --> 00:38:06,606
No. It gets worse.

582
00:38:06,817 --> 00:38:09,217
Ok. How about we play the quiet game?

583
00:38:09,420 --> 00:38:10,887
Yeah? Starting now.

584
00:38:14,390 --> 00:38:15,790
I've actually been meaning to ask you.

585
00:38:15,791 --> 00:38:18,089
Did you hear anything
about, Columbus, Ohio?

586
00:38:18,095 --> 00:38:19,544
You never played the quiet game?

587
00:38:19,545 --> 00:38:20,359
Sorry.

588
00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:22,691
No? Well, they're playing it
in Columbus, Ohio.

589
00:38:22,900 --> 00:38:25,194
It's a total ghost town.
It's burned to the ground.

590
00:38:34,778 --> 00:38:36,070
You're Columbus.

591
00:38:37,481 --> 00:38:38,646
I'm sorry.

592
00:38:39,049 --> 00:38:40,674
I didn't realize it was...

593
00:38:42,386 --> 00:38:44,424
<i>I'm not sure what's more tragic.</i>

594
00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:45,888
<i>that my family is gone,</i>

595
00:38:45,889 --> 00:38:49,423
<i>or the realization that I never really
had much of a family to begin with.</i>

596
00:38:49,927 --> 00:38:53,586
<i>Either way, I can't pretend that whatever
I'm looking for I'll find by going home.</i>

597
00:38:54,098 --> 00:38:55,498
<i>I have no home.</i>

598
00:38:58,435 --> 00:38:59,625
We can...

599
00:39:00,426 --> 00:39:01,662
get you a ride.

600
00:39:03,307 --> 00:39:04,601
You know, you can go...

601
00:39:05,002 --> 00:39:06,631
see for yourself or...

602
00:39:07,032 --> 00:39:08,344
settle somewhere new.

603
00:39:09,713 --> 00:39:10,713
Ok.

604
00:39:12,216 --> 00:39:14,284
<i>I could tell she knew what
I was feeling.</i>

605
00:39:15,219 --> 00:39:17,311
<i>We were all orphans in Zombieland.</i>

606
00:39:31,501 --> 00:39:33,837
I know this Pacific Playland
thing is nuts,

607
00:39:36,807 --> 00:39:39,465
but it's just been so long
since she got to be a kid.

608
00:39:40,644 --> 00:39:43,172
Yeah, it's tough growing up
in Zombieland.

609
00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:45,112
It's tough growing up.

610
00:39:51,321 --> 00:39:52,321
There.

611
00:39:52,923 --> 00:39:54,220
You could take that truck.

612
00:39:59,430 --> 00:40:01,193
Well, I...

613
00:40:01,794 --> 00:40:04,258
hope you find whoever it is
you're looking for.

614
00:40:06,003 --> 00:40:07,457
And don't let go...

615
00:40:08,058 --> 00:40:09,136
once you do.

616
00:40:22,453 --> 00:40:24,786
<i>It wasn't just because
I had nowhere else to go.</i>

617
00:40:25,489 --> 00:40:28,252
<i>It was because, in that moment,
it became clear.</i>

618
00:40:29,259 --> 00:40:30,818
<i>Wherever this girl was,</i>

619
00:40:31,619 --> 00:40:33,096
<i>that's where I wanted to be.</i>

620
00:40:52,382 --> 00:40:54,582
Man, we're gonna have
to pull over soon.

621
00:40:54,583 --> 00:40:56,015
I'm feeling cooped up.

622
00:40:57,387 --> 00:40:59,622
Wantum your wampum. Yeah.

623
00:40:59,623 --> 00:41:00,447
That'll work.

624
00:41:00,657 --> 00:41:02,522
Ok, but what the hell are we doing?

625
00:41:02,726 --> 00:41:04,486
Just humor him. Trust me.

626
00:41:16,774 --> 00:41:17,841
Hold up.

627
00:41:19,643 --> 00:41:21,208
Who wants to go first?

628
00:41:21,712 --> 00:41:24,345
<i>I really, really wanna impress Wichita,</i>

629
00:41:25,249 --> 00:41:27,376
<i>but it would be in violation of rule 17,</i>

630
00:41:27,584 --> 00:41:29,303
<i>maybe the most important
rule of all.</i>

631
00:41:29,604 --> 00:41:30,820
<i>Don't be a hero.</i>

632
00:41:31,722 --> 00:41:32,871
Why don't you take this one?

633
00:41:33,172 --> 00:41:34,585
Don't mind if I do.

634
00:41:49,807 --> 00:41:51,122
What do you think?

635
00:41:51,123 --> 00:41:52,105
Zombie kill of the week?

636
00:41:52,643 --> 00:41:53,940
<i>Close, but no cigar.</i>

637
00:41:54,641 --> 00:41:57,980
<i>Zombie kill of the week
goes to Sister Cynthia Knickerbocker.</i>

638
00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:04,819
<i>Poor flat bastard.</i>

639
00:42:27,578 --> 00:42:28,745
Perfume?
What?

640
00:42:29,246 --> 00:42:30,577
Is that perfume?

641
00:42:32,581 --> 00:42:33,650
It's cologne.

642
00:42:33,951 --> 00:42:34,975
I'm thinking...

643
00:42:36,386 --> 00:42:37,844
Lancôme Magnifique.

644
00:42:38,054 --> 00:42:39,383
Why don't you speak up a little?

645
00:42:39,590 --> 00:42:41,481
I think they might have
missed it in Santa Fe.

646
00:42:44,828 --> 00:42:48,123
Oh, my God.
Ok.

647
00:42:48,632 --> 00:42:51,394
You're thinking about fucking Wichita.

648
00:42:52,669 --> 00:42:56,196
Wish granted. She spent
the last 24 hours fucking us both.

649
00:42:57,040 --> 00:42:57,940
Hey.

650
00:43:00,143 --> 00:43:01,638
Good luck now, Petunia.

651
00:43:08,852 --> 00:43:09,904
Ok.

652
00:43:10,505 --> 00:43:12,178
Let me begin my three-part apology

653
00:43:12,289 --> 00:43:14,260
by saying that I think you're a wonderful human

654
00:43:14,261 --> 00:43:15,452
with great potential.
It's ok.

655
00:43:15,453 --> 00:43:16,794
But F.Y.L,

656
00:43:16,895 --> 00:43:20,028
I beat wholesale ass for
a lot less than that.

657
00:43:20,864 --> 00:43:21,905
I'm sure.

658
00:43:22,006 --> 00:43:23,531
You get...

659
00:43:24,032 --> 00:43:25,726
45 percent power.

660
00:43:25,836 --> 00:43:26,867
Thank you.

661
00:43:28,472 --> 00:43:30,539
Yeah. Come on, break another one.

662
00:43:35,646 --> 00:43:36,738
Nice.

663
00:43:40,083 --> 00:43:41,311
Doesn't that feel good?

664
00:44:31,268 --> 00:44:32,978
<i>Sometimes, Tallahassee's right.</i>

665
00:44:32,979 --> 00:44:34,367
<i>You gotta enjoy the little things,</i>

666
00:44:34,571 --> 00:44:37,370
<i>even if that means destroying
a whole lot of little things.</i>

667
00:44:41,878 --> 00:44:43,339
Smells like perfume.

668
00:44:46,450 --> 00:44:48,447
You don't know who Willie Nelson is?

669
00:44:48,452 --> 00:44:49,452
No.

670
00:44:50,921 --> 00:44:52,488
Willie Nelson?

671
00:44:52,489 --> 00:44:54,289
Yeah, no, I don't.

672
00:44:54,993 --> 00:44:56,612
Yeah, I shave every morning but

673
00:44:56,713 --> 00:44:57,763
sometimes by like...

674
00:44:58,212 --> 00:44:59,395
4:30, I'll have a thing.

675
00:44:59,396 --> 00:45:02,365
I mean it's called 5:00 shadow,
but sometimes I'll get it prematurely.

676
00:45:02,466 --> 00:45:03,562
Since it's a freeway

677
00:45:03,563 --> 00:45:06,802
you can get it up to like 65
but don't go more than 75.

678
00:45:06,803 --> 00:45:08,138
You don't wanna go more than 20.

679
00:45:08,139 --> 00:45:10,500
Don't worry about a blind spot.

680
00:45:10,507 --> 00:45:12,475
Blind spots are for other drivers.

681
00:45:12,676 --> 00:45:14,704
It's like the first time
that I've ever driven.

682
00:45:15,512 --> 00:45:17,177
So do you never strap in or it's just...

683
00:45:17,578 --> 00:45:18,942
on long road trips?

684
00:45:19,883 --> 00:45:21,268
It's just you know...

685
00:45:21,469 --> 00:45:24,411
there is zombies everywhere,
I think the least of my worries.

686
00:45:24,621 --> 00:45:26,612
Yeah, that's true.
Is seat belts.

687
00:45:26,823 --> 00:45:28,623
Yes, but no, she's not.

688
00:45:28,658 --> 00:45:31,120
She's only famous when she's Hannah
Montana when she's wearing the wig.

689
00:45:31,228 --> 00:45:33,122
Ok. Right. Only wig.
So...

690
00:45:38,135 --> 00:45:39,660
It's kind of freeing.

691
00:45:40,404 --> 00:45:41,269
Yeah.

692
00:45:44,007 --> 00:45:45,163
<i>For the first time,</i>

693
00:45:45,464 --> 00:45:46,591
<i>in a long time,</i>

694
00:45:46,792 --> 00:45:47,871
<i>we were having fun.</i>

695
00:45:48,412 --> 00:45:50,812
<i>So even though it ran counter
to our survivor strategies,</i>

696
00:45:50,947 --> 00:45:53,545
<i>we decided to stay together
as far as Pacific Playland.</i>

697
00:46:23,113 --> 00:46:24,486
You know, I think sleep deprivation

698
00:46:24,487 --> 00:46:26,306
is like the number one
health problem in America.

699
00:46:26,616 --> 00:46:28,746
Well, now I think it might be
number two.

700
00:46:29,285 --> 00:46:30,315
Number two.

701
00:46:31,221 --> 00:46:32,310
That's adorable.

702
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:34,390
I'm just saying I think
we should find place to crash.

703
00:46:34,591 --> 00:46:35,649
I got an idea.

704
00:46:35,859 --> 00:46:38,654
We're in Hollywood, let's sleep in style.

705
00:46:44,468 --> 00:46:45,697
Grab a map.

706
00:46:52,242 --> 00:46:53,732
Come on.

707
00:46:53,900 --> 00:46:55,463
Hurry! Hurry!

708
00:46:55,979 --> 00:46:56,904
Good job.

709
00:47:03,620 --> 00:47:06,448
Looks like anyone who's ever been
in a movie lives on this block.

710
00:47:06,990 --> 00:47:10,391
What exactly you think we're doing
in the 90210, Sally?

711
00:47:11,094 --> 00:47:13,455
I kind of pictured Tom Cruise
living somewhere nicer.

712
00:47:13,463 --> 00:47:17,056
B-lister compared
to who I got in mind, folks.

713
00:47:17,501 --> 00:47:20,527
We're going to the tippy-top
of the A-list.

714
00:47:20,937 --> 00:47:22,534
Who?
You'll see.

715
00:47:29,212 --> 00:47:30,543
Hey. There's a big BM.

716
00:47:31,948 --> 00:47:33,645
And it ain't Bob Marley.

717
00:47:40,590 --> 00:47:42,190
This place is incredible.

718
00:47:53,170 --> 00:47:54,861
Ladies and gentlemen,

719
00:47:54,862 --> 00:47:58,874
welcome to la mançion de Murray.

720
00:47:58,975 --> 00:48:00,580
God.
Bill Murray.

721
00:48:01,281 --> 00:48:02,281
No way.

722
00:48:02,445 --> 00:48:06,115
This guy has a direct line
to my funny bone.

723
00:48:06,116 --> 00:48:06,816
Everything...
Who's Bill Murray?

724
00:48:07,017 --> 00:48:08,017
Who's Bill Murray?

725
00:48:08,151 --> 00:48:09,912
Hey, I've never hit a kid before.

726
00:48:11,454 --> 00:48:13,722
Alright? I mean, that's like asking
who Gandhi is.

727
00:48:14,658 --> 00:48:15,819
Who's Gandhi?

728
00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:17,655
She's 12.

729
00:48:21,865 --> 00:48:23,833
No Twinkies.
Shit, fuck!

730
00:48:24,067 --> 00:48:26,501
See? I told you we should've
gone to Russell Crowe's.

731
00:48:26,703 --> 00:48:29,149
No one listens to me.
Hello, inside voices.

732
00:48:29,150 --> 00:48:30,950
Ok? At least until we know we're alone.

733
00:48:31,341 --> 00:48:33,176
Hey, Tallahassee, Wichita,
why don't you take that way.

734
00:48:33,177 --> 00:48:34,177
Little Rock, come here.

735
00:48:34,477 --> 00:48:36,309
Why do I get stuck with her?

736
00:48:40,150 --> 00:48:41,818
It doesn't seem to end.

737
00:48:47,991 --> 00:48:48,983
Hey, come here.

738
00:48:51,194 --> 00:48:53,156
He has his own movie theater?

739
00:48:57,534 --> 00:48:59,994
Ok, I'm gonna teach you
a little something about Bill Murray.

740
00:49:02,038 --> 00:49:03,966
A king slept right here.

741
00:49:05,809 --> 00:49:07,304
Dibs on the bed.

742
00:49:10,547 --> 00:49:12,509
Too soft for me, anyway.

743
00:49:20,056 --> 00:49:22,584
Oh, this is so exciting. You're
about to learn who you gonna call.

744
00:49:23,393 --> 00:49:24,757
It's Ghostbusters.

745
00:49:43,780 --> 00:49:44,948
This is pretty catchy.

746
00:49:46,549 --> 00:49:47,741
Come on.

747
00:49:48,351 --> 00:49:50,483
Help me with the boots. Come on.

748
00:49:50,887 --> 00:49:52,320
Help me with the boots.

749
00:49:52,522 --> 00:49:55,722
Ok. I'll get them myself.

750
00:50:16,212 --> 00:50:17,941
Shit.

751
00:50:23,486 --> 00:50:25,110
Bill Murray, you're a zombie?

752
00:50:31,091 --> 00:50:32,286
I'm on fire!

753
00:50:33,730 --> 00:50:35,789
You're not a zombie,
you're talking and what...

754
00:50:35,999 --> 00:50:37,112
You're ok?

755
00:50:37,713 --> 00:50:38,997
The hell I am!

756
00:50:39,002 --> 00:50:42,231
I'm sorry.
I didn't know that it was you you.

757
00:50:42,839 --> 00:50:44,082
Are you? What's, what's the...

758
00:50:44,083 --> 00:50:45,007
with the get-up?

759
00:50:45,508 --> 00:50:46,862
I do it to blend in.

760
00:50:47,163 --> 00:50:47,963
You know.

761
00:50:48,044 --> 00:50:50,035
Zombies don't mess with other zombies.

762
00:50:50,146 --> 00:50:52,205
Buddy of mine, makeup guy,
showed me how to do this.

763
00:50:52,615 --> 00:50:55,948
Cornstarch. You know, some berries,
a little licorice for the ladies.

764
00:50:55,952 --> 00:50:59,279
Suits my lifestyle, you know.
I like to get out and do stuff.

765
00:50:59,823 --> 00:51:01,390
Just played nine holes on the Riviera.

766
00:51:01,391 --> 00:51:03,759
Just walked on. Nobody there.

767
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:07,592
Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray!

768
00:51:08,298 --> 00:51:10,359
I had to get that out.
I don't mean to gush.

769
00:51:10,667 --> 00:51:12,847
This is so surreal. I mean,

770
00:51:12,848 --> 00:51:14,870
you probably get this all the time,
I would...

771
00:51:15,071 --> 00:51:18,073
Maybe not lately, but I'm,
I'm such a huge fan of yours.

772
00:51:18,074 --> 00:51:19,371
I mean, I swear you know,

773
00:51:19,475 --> 00:51:22,403
I've seen every one of your movies
a million times,

774
00:51:22,412 --> 00:51:25,797
and I, I even love your
dramatic roles and...

775
00:51:26,098 --> 00:51:27,847
just... everything.

776
00:51:27,850 --> 00:51:31,650
Six people left in the world,
one of them is Bill fucking Murray!

777
00:51:31,654 --> 00:51:35,283
I know that's not your middle name.
I been watching you since I was like... Si...

778
00:51:35,492 --> 00:51:38,528
Since I could masturbate.
I mean, not that they're connected.

779
00:51:39,129 --> 00:51:41,925
A former greenskeeper about
to become the Masters champion.

780
00:51:46,903 --> 00:51:49,098
Well, that's why we do it.

781
00:51:50,306 --> 00:51:52,497
I love you, Bill. I love you.

782
00:51:52,575 --> 00:51:53,974
I thank you.

783
00:51:54,310 --> 00:51:55,310
Thank you.

784
00:51:56,012 --> 00:51:58,076
You are staring at me.
It's a hairpiece.

785
00:51:58,077 --> 00:52:01,973
I'm sorry. No, it was just that you
look remarkably like Eddie Van Halen.

786
00:52:02,185 --> 00:52:03,789
I just saw Eddie Van Halen.

787
00:52:03,790 --> 00:52:04,661
No.
Really?

788
00:52:04,662 --> 00:52:05,187
Yeah.

789
00:52:05,688 --> 00:52:06,377
Where?

790
00:52:06,378 --> 00:52:07,149
At the Hollywood Bowl.

791
00:52:07,150 --> 00:52:08,022
How was that?

792
00:52:08,224 --> 00:52:09,521
He's a zombie.

793
00:52:09,726 --> 00:52:11,394
That's a tough break.

794
00:52:12,095 --> 00:52:14,723
So, how about
a little West Coast hospitality?

795
00:52:14,731 --> 00:52:15,993
Can I. Wha...
Can I get you something?

796
00:52:16,199 --> 00:52:17,461
What would you...
What would you like?

797
00:52:29,112 --> 00:52:30,273
Smooth, isn't it?

798
00:52:31,314 --> 00:52:32,910
Oh, hurry.

799
00:52:33,211 --> 00:52:35,012
Hurry, he's on the ceiling.

800
00:52:35,013 --> 00:52:36,246
Come get him.

801
00:52:36,447 --> 00:52:38,114
Avoid the chandelier.
Light him up, Ray!

802
00:52:38,721 --> 00:52:40,219
See you on the other side, Pete.

803
00:52:40,620 --> 00:52:42,817
He's so disgusting.

804
00:52:43,325 --> 00:52:45,558
Looks like Slimer.
Don't cross the streams!

805
00:52:45,762 --> 00:52:47,753
I don't wanna cross...
Oh, no, he's awful.

806
00:52:47,964 --> 00:52:50,398
Don't cross the streams!

807
00:52:53,136 --> 00:52:56,367
<i>Thirty-five feet long,
weighing approximately 600 pounds.</i>

808
00:52:56,573 --> 00:52:57,699
<i>That's a big Twinkie.</i>

809
00:52:58,574 --> 00:53:00,405
Your sister is, single, right?

810
00:53:00,410 --> 00:53:02,844
There's nothing long distance
or anything?

811
00:53:03,046 --> 00:53:04,909
No.
Oh, good, good.

812
00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:06,894
And if she had like...

813
00:53:07,695 --> 00:53:08,733
a type...

814
00:53:08,734 --> 00:53:09,441
you know...

815
00:53:09,452 --> 00:53:10,629
if you can have a type...

816
00:53:10,630 --> 00:53:12,178
what would that be, you think?

817
00:53:12,288 --> 00:53:14,352
She kind of goes for like, bad boys.

818
00:53:14,757 --> 00:53:15,851
Really?
Yeah.

819
00:53:16,159 --> 00:53:17,717
That's cool.

820
00:53:17,927 --> 00:53:18,951
What?

821
00:53:21,597 --> 00:53:23,917
So Columbus is the scared one?
Yeah.

822
00:53:23,918 --> 00:53:25,296
He's like a little bunny.

823
00:53:26,903 --> 00:53:27,932
I'll get him.

824
00:53:30,940 --> 00:53:32,271
Watch this.

825
00:53:41,684 --> 00:53:42,878
No.

826
00:53:43,086 --> 00:53:44,951
No, no, it's ok, it's ok.

827
00:53:45,154 --> 00:53:46,951
I got him.

828
00:53:51,294 --> 00:53:54,422
Is that how you say hello
where you come from?

829
00:53:55,098 --> 00:53:56,429
Oh, my God.

830
00:53:56,633 --> 00:53:58,400
Oh, my God,
I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.

831
00:54:00,937 --> 00:54:02,171
Mr. Murray?

832
00:54:02,472 --> 00:54:05,474
I'm just Bill, I think, now.

833
00:54:06,142 --> 00:54:07,369
Bill?
Yeah?

834
00:54:08,478 --> 00:54:10,668
I don't think we're gonna be able,

835
00:54:11,069 --> 00:54:12,141
to stitch this.

836
00:54:13,648 --> 00:54:15,045
That's still tender.

837
00:54:15,652 --> 00:54:17,381
You think you might pull through?

838
00:54:20,924 --> 00:54:21,924
No.

839
00:54:22,325 --> 00:54:24,917
If it means anything now,
I am so sorry.

840
00:54:25,528 --> 00:54:27,028
It was just instinctive.

841
00:54:27,630 --> 00:54:29,225
It was my bad.

842
00:54:29,532 --> 00:54:31,963
I was never a very good practical joker.

843
00:54:33,369 --> 00:54:34,561
So do you have any regrets?

844
00:54:38,074 --> 00:54:39,440
Garfield, maybe.

845
00:55:04,968 --> 00:55:07,137
I'm sorry, he just gets me.

846
00:55:09,505 --> 00:55:10,861
But it still is sad.

847
00:55:10,862 --> 00:55:11,336
Yeah.

848
00:55:14,377 --> 00:55:14,930
Ok.

849
00:55:15,431 --> 00:55:16,172
Shit.

850
00:55:20,683 --> 00:55:21,563
Ok.

851
00:55:22,364 --> 00:55:23,316
Shit. Ok.

852
00:55:32,028 --> 00:55:32,570
Ok.

853
00:55:33,171 --> 00:55:34,363
Sorry. One second.

854
00:55:35,164 --> 00:55:36,506
It's a double-barrel.
Sorry.

855
00:55:37,767 --> 00:55:38,357
Ok.

856
00:55:44,207 --> 00:55:46,966
Three, two, one.

857
00:55:49,512 --> 00:55:50,637
You guys want some Purell?

858
00:55:50,638 --> 00:55:51,113
Yes.

859
00:55:51,114 --> 00:55:52,114
Please.
Yeah.

860
00:55:52,548 --> 00:55:53,572
Around the world.

861
00:55:57,787 --> 00:55:58,587
Yes.

862
00:56:01,457 --> 00:56:02,650
Free parking.
Yeah.

863
00:56:02,959 --> 00:56:05,393
Which, coincidentally,
is the best thing about Zombieland.

864
00:56:05,695 --> 00:56:08,730
No, best thing about Z-land,
no Facebook status updates.

865
00:56:08,831 --> 00:56:11,464
You know, Rob Curtis
is gearing up for Friday.

866
00:56:11,668 --> 00:56:12,852
Who cares?

867
00:56:13,053 --> 00:56:15,664
The best thing is no more flushing.

868
00:56:15,972 --> 00:56:16,714
Epic.

869
00:56:17,015 --> 00:56:18,083
And the worst thing...

870
00:56:18,384 --> 00:56:19,405
about Z-land?

871
00:56:19,542 --> 00:56:22,067
You mean, other than the fact
that I shot Bill Murray?

872
00:56:22,178 --> 00:56:23,213
That's easy.

873
00:56:23,414 --> 00:56:24,505
Losing Buck.

874
00:56:25,448 --> 00:56:26,645
That's his puppy.

875
00:56:27,450 --> 00:56:28,769
I'm gonna tell you...

876
00:56:29,370 --> 00:56:31,848
I never thought I could love
anything like Buck.

877
00:56:31,854 --> 00:56:32,950
He was just...

878
00:56:32,951 --> 00:56:35,915
The day he was born,
I just lost my mind.

879
00:56:38,094 --> 00:56:39,083
Sorry.

880
00:56:40,797 --> 00:56:43,265
We were...
We were two peas.

881
00:56:43,466 --> 00:56:46,241
He had my personality,

882
00:56:46,242 --> 00:56:47,550
my laugh,

883
00:56:47,551 --> 00:56:49,327
my appetite.

884
00:56:49,639 --> 00:56:50,639
<i>Laugh?</i>

885
00:56:50,940 --> 00:56:52,195
<i>That's when it hit me.</i>

886
00:56:52,196 --> 00:56:54,603
<i>I felt ashamed that it had
taken me this long...</i>

887
00:56:54,811 --> 00:56:57,204
<i>Me, with the best cardio in
the business to realize...</i>

888
00:56:57,405 --> 00:56:59,376
<i>I wasn't the only one
running from something.</i>

889
00:57:06,189 --> 00:57:08,316
There it is.

890
00:57:09,017 --> 00:57:10,119
There you go.

891
00:57:10,526 --> 00:57:12,353
Oh, you like the syrup. Yes.

892
00:57:15,331 --> 00:57:15,992
Ok.

893
00:57:23,973 --> 00:57:26,901
We made this wallet together
out of duct tape.

894
00:57:32,982 --> 00:57:34,210
<i>Take away a man's son,</i>

895
00:57:34,751 --> 00:57:37,185
<i>you've truly given him nothing
left to lose.</i>

896
00:57:47,764 --> 00:57:50,461
I haven't cried like that
since Titanic.

897
00:58:09,719 --> 00:58:10,346
Hi.

898
00:58:32,408 --> 00:58:33,568
A hint.

899
00:58:34,544 --> 00:58:35,852
Why don't you...

900
00:58:36,653 --> 00:58:38,134
exhale slowly,

901
00:58:39,135 --> 00:58:40,443
squeeze the trigger?

902
00:59:14,917 --> 00:59:16,412
Don't make me drink alone.

903
00:59:16,819 --> 00:59:17,548
Ok.

904
00:59:24,093 --> 00:59:25,767
It's a 1997...

905
00:59:26,168 --> 00:59:27,531
Geor...

906
00:59:27,532 --> 00:59:28,554
Georges?

907
00:59:29,665 --> 00:59:32,146
I never took French.
Georges de Latour?

908
00:59:32,147 --> 00:59:33,224
I don't know.

909
00:59:34,536 --> 00:59:36,167
It's a '97?
Yeah.

910
00:59:37,273 --> 00:59:38,403
Was that a good year?

911
00:59:38,404 --> 00:59:39,505
Oh, my God.

912
00:59:39,809 --> 00:59:41,509
It was great year.
Are you kidding me?

913
00:59:41,510 --> 00:59:43,467
I saw my first R rated movie,

914
00:59:43,768 --> 00:59:44,939
that year.

915
00:59:45,348 --> 00:59:46,706
Yeah, Anaconda.

916
00:59:46,807 --> 00:59:47,348
Anaconda.

917
00:59:50,018 --> 00:59:52,549
First tattoo, porpoise.

918
00:59:52,555 --> 00:59:53,714
Really?
Fake.

919
00:59:54,957 --> 00:59:56,148
First kiss.

920
00:59:57,760 --> 00:59:58,920
Scotty Lynch.

921
00:59:59,562 --> 01:00:00,457
You guys...

922
01:00:01,558 --> 01:00:02,624
used tongue?

923
01:00:04,967 --> 01:00:06,258
Maybe.

924
01:00:07,937 --> 01:00:09,561
You jealous of Scotty Lynch?

925
01:00:10,973 --> 01:00:12,664
Yes, I am.

926
01:00:13,676 --> 01:00:17,236
Actually, I think I'm jealous
of your whole 1997.

927
01:00:18,347 --> 01:00:19,613
Let's see. Mine...

928
01:00:22,318 --> 01:00:23,745
First orthodontist.

929
01:00:24,654 --> 01:00:26,087
The bastard gave me headgear.

930
01:00:26,088 --> 01:00:27,714
Yeah. I got my first B.

931
01:00:28,924 --> 01:00:29,824
No.

932
01:00:30,026 --> 01:00:31,717
Frightening as Anaconda.

933
01:00:33,362 --> 01:00:34,621
In wood shop,

934
01:00:35,022 --> 01:00:36,895
which doesn't really count
as a class anyway.

935
01:00:36,899 --> 01:00:37,633
No.

936
01:00:39,535 --> 01:00:41,518
Had my first, school dance.

937
01:00:41,519 --> 01:00:42,095
Thank you.

938
01:00:42,305 --> 01:00:43,943
It was a Sadie Hawkins,

939
01:00:43,944 --> 01:00:46,264
so girls' choice, you know.

940
01:00:49,011 --> 01:00:50,642
What and nobody picked you?

941
01:00:50,846 --> 01:00:52,344
It was girls' choice.

942
01:00:53,349 --> 01:00:55,449
Those bitches.
I know.

943
01:00:55,952 --> 01:00:58,167
No, I will not stand for this.

944
01:00:58,168 --> 01:00:59,119
No. You know what?

945
01:00:59,555 --> 01:01:01,955
On behalf of all the eighth grade girls,

946
01:01:03,858 --> 01:01:05,321
I would like to make it up
to you.

947
01:01:08,130 --> 01:01:09,130
Relax.

948
01:01:09,432 --> 01:01:11,230
Scotty's old news.

949
01:01:47,003 --> 01:01:50,731
I don't even know your name,
but this is actually really nice.

950
01:01:51,741 --> 01:01:53,146
You know between...

951
01:01:54,047 --> 01:01:55,844
You, me and what about Bob?

952
01:01:57,747 --> 01:01:59,476
You're actually kind of cute.

953
01:01:59,682 --> 01:02:00,740
You think so?

954
01:02:01,984 --> 01:02:02,884
Yeah.

955
01:02:04,086 --> 01:02:06,148
I mean, you got the guts
of a guppy but...

956
01:02:07,590 --> 01:02:08,717
I could hit that.

957
01:02:13,295 --> 01:02:14,360
Really?

958
01:02:15,698 --> 01:02:18,356
Or at least give you
the intentional walk to first.

959
01:02:29,545 --> 01:02:31,376
Hey, a little help moving the couch?

960
01:02:32,680 --> 01:02:34,047
We're making a fort.

961
01:02:40,022 --> 01:02:42,013
Yeah.
Yeah, that's probably for the best.

962
01:02:42,224 --> 01:02:42,921
Right.

963
01:02:43,222 --> 01:02:44,222
Because...

964
01:02:45,961 --> 01:02:46,988
I like you,

965
01:02:47,797 --> 01:02:49,162
Columbus, but...

966
01:02:49,163 --> 01:02:52,931
But, my sister and I, are gonna do
whatever it takes to survive, so...

967
01:03:05,047 --> 01:03:07,709
<i>I was hoping Wichita
was just playing hard to get,</i>

968
01:03:07,950 --> 01:03:10,384
<i>but I realized she had
more trust issues than I did,</i>

969
01:03:10,586 --> 01:03:13,453
<i>when I woke up the next day
and she was leaving.</i>

970
01:03:18,160 --> 01:03:20,595
You are like a giant
cock-blocking robot,

971
01:03:20,596 --> 01:03:22,824
like, developed in a secret
fucking government lab.

972
01:03:23,999 --> 01:03:24,999
Hey.

973
01:03:25,368 --> 01:03:27,028
I can't believe I almost kissed him.

974
01:03:27,029 --> 01:03:28,030
What's our rule?

975
01:03:28,537 --> 01:03:30,292
Trust no one, just you and me.

976
01:03:30,293 --> 01:03:31,233
Just you and me.

977
01:03:32,041 --> 01:03:32,940
Yeah.

978
01:03:33,241 --> 01:03:34,236
You and me.

979
01:03:47,857 --> 01:03:50,625
You have just survived
the zombie apocalypse,

980
01:03:50,626 --> 01:03:52,494
and drove halfway across
the country.

981
01:03:52,595 --> 01:03:53,962
Where are you gonna go?

982
01:03:54,263 --> 01:03:56,555
I'm going to Pacific Playland.

983
01:04:16,118 --> 01:04:18,009
Open sesame.

984
01:04:28,430 --> 01:04:30,592
<i>This is the problem
with getting attached to someone.</i>

985
01:04:31,300 --> 01:04:33,194
<i>When they leave you,
you just feel lost.</i>

986
01:04:34,103 --> 01:04:36,230
<i>Having Tallahassee around
didn't comfort me,</i>

987
01:04:36,231 --> 01:04:37,965
<i>it just made me feel more alone.</i>

988
01:04:38,274 --> 01:04:41,337
Hey. You weren't exactly
gonna score, anyway.

989
01:04:42,144 --> 01:04:45,311
You know, you weren't storming
the trenches before I came along.

990
01:04:47,550 --> 01:04:50,613
That's why I don't let people close.
You only get burned.

991
01:04:50,920 --> 01:04:51,944
You don't say.

992
01:04:54,089 --> 01:04:55,156
Mexico.

993
01:04:55,758 --> 01:04:58,217
You know what they call Twinkies
in Mexico?

994
01:04:58,218 --> 01:04:59,694
Los sobrinos.

995
01:04:59,995 --> 01:05:01,670
That's where I'm headed, amigo.

996
01:05:02,671 --> 01:05:03,759
Whatever.

997
01:05:59,355 --> 01:06:00,583
Oh, my God.
I know.

998
01:06:00,789 --> 01:06:01,778
This is really fun.

999
01:06:01,991 --> 01:06:03,151
Oh, my God.
Yeah.

1000
01:06:27,850 --> 01:06:28,913
Oh, no.

1001
01:06:32,888 --> 01:06:34,321
I'm going after Wichita.

1002
01:06:34,623 --> 01:06:37,550
Look, you ever read that book
She's Just Not That lnto You?

1003
01:06:38,260 --> 01:06:40,395
You can't make yourself
too available.

1004
01:06:40,396 --> 01:06:42,224
I don't care, alright?
I wanna be with her.

1005
01:06:43,432 --> 01:06:44,927
Have fun in Mexico.

1006
01:06:50,706 --> 01:06:52,367
Come on. Hurry.

1007
01:06:56,612 --> 01:06:57,612
Get in.

1008
01:07:06,922 --> 01:07:08,556
Come on, go.

1009
01:07:10,459 --> 01:07:11,521
Go, go.

1010
01:07:24,773 --> 01:07:28,675
On the count of three.
One, two, three.

1011
01:07:43,524 --> 01:07:44,371
You ok?

1012
01:07:44,672 --> 01:07:46,321
Come on. Hurry, get up.

1013
01:07:46,528 --> 01:07:47,588
Come on, let's go.
Yeah.

1014
01:07:53,635 --> 01:07:54,398
There.

1015
01:08:12,821 --> 01:08:13,837
I'm...

1016
01:08:14,538 --> 01:08:17,359
I'm not great at farewells, so...

1017
01:08:19,895 --> 01:08:20,987
that'll do, pig.

1018
01:08:21,997 --> 01:08:23,888
That's the worst goodbye
I've ever heard,

1019
01:08:24,199 --> 01:08:25,692
and you stole it from a movie.

1020
01:08:29,505 --> 01:08:31,232
Tell the ladies I said hey.

1021
01:08:31,840 --> 01:08:34,365
You know, their pictures
were in someone's wallet too.

1022
01:09:00,035 --> 01:09:02,032
Hop in the car, Evel Knievel.

1023
01:09:02,404 --> 01:09:04,449
Let's go ride the roller coaster.

1024
01:09:04,450 --> 01:09:05,272
Thanks.

1025
01:09:16,218 --> 01:09:17,218
Go!

1026
01:10:17,813 --> 01:10:19,380
Not as fun as I remember.

1027
01:10:25,153 --> 01:10:26,648
Shoot the control box.

1028
01:10:59,855 --> 01:11:01,117
Columbus?
Tallahassee?

1029
01:11:01,323 --> 01:11:05,651
I think they might actually
require our assistance this time.

1030
01:11:06,061 --> 01:11:07,136
Buckle up.

1031
01:11:07,437 --> 01:11:09,158
Yeah. I'm way ahead of you.

1032
01:11:11,533 --> 01:11:14,001
Time to nut up or shut up.

1033
01:11:18,440 --> 01:11:19,464
Holy shit.

1034
01:11:41,997 --> 01:11:43,938
My mama always told me...

1035
01:11:44,039 --> 01:11:46,466
someday I'd be good at something.

1036
01:11:46,968 --> 01:11:49,268
Who'd have guessed that
something would be zombie killing?

1037
01:11:49,371 --> 01:11:50,371
Probably nobody.

1038
01:11:51,840 --> 01:11:52,832
Look.

1039
01:11:56,111 --> 01:11:58,239
We better start working
on our apology.

1040
01:12:13,195 --> 01:12:14,264
Oh, no.

1041
01:12:14,565 --> 01:12:15,565
No.

1042
01:12:23,138 --> 01:12:24,138
Hey!

1043
01:12:24,373 --> 01:12:25,320
Hey!

1044
01:12:25,321 --> 01:12:26,004
Over here!

1045
01:12:26,107 --> 01:12:28,075
Hey! Help!
Help!

1046
01:12:28,076 --> 01:12:30,110
Oh, my God.
Help!

1047
01:12:30,712 --> 01:12:31,712
Hey!

1048
01:12:32,714 --> 01:12:34,181
Help!

1049
01:12:34,383 --> 01:12:35,845
Hey, they're up there.
They're ok.

1050
01:12:35,846 --> 01:12:37,311
What are you waiting for?

1051
01:12:38,119 --> 01:12:39,143
That's your gal.

1052
01:12:40,789 --> 01:12:41,983
Over here!
Help!

1053
01:12:44,826 --> 01:12:45,813
Come on!

1054
01:12:46,114 --> 01:12:48,418
Come get a piece of Tallahassee!

1055
01:12:48,430 --> 01:12:50,164
Anybody hungry?

1056
01:12:50,565 --> 01:12:53,274
Tallahassee's nice this time of year!

1057
01:12:53,975 --> 01:12:54,995
Come on!

1058
01:12:55,404 --> 01:12:56,701
Come on, you ugly bastards!

1059
01:13:15,857 --> 01:13:17,024
Holy shit.

1060
01:13:19,361 --> 01:13:20,385
Holy shit.

1061
01:13:21,096 --> 01:13:22,096
Hey!

1062
01:13:48,356 --> 01:13:49,448
Motherfucker!

1063
01:14:21,189 --> 01:14:23,284
Shit. I'm out of shells.

1064
01:14:27,195 --> 01:14:28,095
Bingo.

1065
01:14:36,838 --> 01:14:37,503
Yeah!

1066
01:14:39,141 --> 01:14:39,969
Oh, yeah.

1067
01:14:50,385 --> 01:14:51,346
Here we go.

1068
01:17:24,004 --> 01:17:24,632
Oh, shit.

1069
01:17:26,608 --> 01:17:27,530
Wichita!

1070
01:17:27,631 --> 01:17:29,172
Little Rock!
Hurry!

1071
01:17:32,514 --> 01:17:33,673
Oh, my God.

1072
01:17:34,816 --> 01:17:36,275
<i>Look at this fucking clown.</i>

1073
01:17:40,121 --> 01:17:41,256
<i>Of course.</i>

1074
01:17:42,357 --> 01:17:43,485
<i>It had to be a clown.</i>

1075
01:17:43,491 --> 01:17:44,391
Fuck.

1076
01:17:46,361 --> 01:17:48,574
<i>No, wait, it had to be a clown,</i>

1077
01:17:49,275 --> 01:17:52,062
<i>and it had to be Wichita
for me to finally understand</i>

1078
01:17:52,701 --> 01:17:55,061
<i>that some rules are made
to be broken.</i>

1079
01:17:59,140 --> 01:18:00,539
<i>Time to nut up or shut up.</i>

1080
01:18:05,080 --> 01:18:06,345
<i>Fuck this clown.</i>

1081
01:18:51,226 --> 01:18:52,047
Thanks.

1082
01:18:52,048 --> 01:18:52,750
Hey.

1083
01:18:52,894 --> 01:18:53,823
Get your gun.

1084
01:18:53,824 --> 01:18:54,957
Here you go. Hi.

1085
01:18:56,631 --> 01:18:57,631
Ok.

1086
01:19:06,808 --> 01:19:07,869
Krista.

1087
01:19:42,343 --> 01:19:45,340
Ok.We should probably,
head out, now.

1088
01:19:50,552 --> 01:19:52,750
Finally got to first base.

1089
01:19:53,054 --> 01:19:55,885
Not bad for that scrawny
little spit-fuck.

1090
01:20:03,765 --> 01:20:04,965
Where's Florida?

1091
01:20:09,404 --> 01:20:10,762
I have a little hunch.

1092
01:20:13,007 --> 01:20:16,710
Where are you, you spongy,
yellow, delicious bastards?

1093
01:20:16,711 --> 01:20:18,144
Where are you?
Yo.

1094
01:20:23,184 --> 01:20:25,152
False advertising.

1095
01:20:28,790 --> 01:20:29,955
Jesus Christ.

1096
01:20:31,493 --> 01:20:32,883
You want a Sno Ball or something?

1097
01:21:00,622 --> 01:21:02,852
God.

1098
01:21:08,930 --> 01:21:11,265
Words cannot express.

1099
01:21:12,534 --> 01:21:13,523
It's too soon.

1100
01:21:13,935 --> 01:21:15,870
Do you think you could maybe
just pick out the buckshot,

1101
01:21:15,871 --> 01:21:17,228
and just kind of eat around it?

1102
01:21:17,939 --> 01:21:19,133
Ok, yeah.

1103
01:21:21,342 --> 01:21:22,207
No!

1104
01:21:23,411 --> 01:21:25,811
No!
No!

1105
01:21:28,616 --> 01:21:29,776
That face?

1106
01:21:29,984 --> 01:21:33,283
<i>That's me realizing that those smart
girls in that big black truck,</i>

1107
01:21:34,756 --> 01:21:37,318
<i>and that big guy
in that snakeskin jacket,</i>

1108
01:21:37,825 --> 01:21:40,216
<i>they were the closest to
something I'd always wanted,</i>

1109
01:21:40,528 --> 01:21:41,790
<i>but never really had.</i>

1110
01:21:42,463 --> 01:21:43,530
<i>A family.</i>

1111
01:21:44,132 --> 01:21:46,394
<i>I trusted them and
they trusted me.</i>

1112
01:21:50,505 --> 01:21:51,890
<i>Rule number 32.</i>

1113
01:21:51,991 --> 01:21:53,303
<i>Enjoy the little things.</i>

1114
01:21:54,209 --> 01:21:55,706
<i>Tallahassee got his Twinkie.</i>

1115
01:21:56,211 --> 01:22:00,141
<i>And even though life would never
be simple or innocent again,</i>

1116
01:22:00,582 --> 01:22:03,676
<i>as he savored that spongy,
yellow log of cream,</i>

1117
01:22:04,085 --> 01:22:05,211
<i>We had hope.</i>

1118
01:22:05,812 --> 01:22:06,915
<i>We had each other.</i>

1119
01:22:07,956 --> 01:22:09,354
<i>And without other people,</i>

1120
01:22:09,655 --> 01:22:10,493
<i>well...</i>

1121
01:22:10,494 --> 01:22:11,884
<i>you might as well be a zombie.</i>

1122
01:22:12,727 --> 01:22:13,880
Thank you so much.

1123
01:22:13,881 --> 01:22:14,890
You had us going.

1124
01:22:14,896 --> 01:22:16,022
Yeah.

1125
01:22:18,533 --> 01:22:19,591
That was very funny.

1126
01:22:20,301 --> 01:22:21,768
<i>So until next time, remember.</i>

1127
01:22:21,970 --> 01:22:25,238
<i>Cardio, seat belts and this
has nothing to do with anything,</i>

1128
01:22:25,239 --> 01:22:27,070
<i>but a little sunscreen
never hurt anybody.</i>

1129
01:22:29,510 --> 01:22:31,071
<i>I'm Columbus, Ohio,</i>

1130
01:22:31,072 --> 01:22:33,477
<i>from Zombieland,
saying good night.</i>

1131
01:26:58,312 --> 01:27:02,409
In the words of the immortal
Jean-Paul Sartre...

1132
01:27:08,422 --> 01:27:11,448
In the-In the immortal...
How do you do it?

1133
01:27:11,659 --> 01:27:13,156
Just give me a little hint.

1134
01:27:13,160 --> 01:27:14,983
In the words of the...

1135
01:27:15,284 --> 01:27:18,422
immortal philosopher
Jean-Paul Sartre,

1136
01:27:20,701 --> 01:27:22,601
au revoir, gopher.

1137
01:27:22,803 --> 01:27:23,803
Ok.