PILOT: All right, everybody.
We should be arriving at Langley International
in just a few hours.
Thank you for booking your trip
with ValueVacay package vacations.
ValueVacay...
We don't offer refunds, but we do offer apologies.
I'm sorry for the smell.
Did you have a nice vacation, dear?
No! My cheap ass husband booked an all-inclusive trip
with ValueVacay to some Cancun shithole!
The trip didn't have to be bad!
It's these lousy kids that ruined it!
Like when Steve left the door open and all those
black spiny-tailed iguanas came into the room.
I was airing things out because Hayley blew up the bathroom!
I was sick!
That monkey put its finger in my mouth!
You sucked on that monkey's finger!
Mom told me to do it!
I thought it was one of those marketing monkeys
that promote new salsa flavors!
Speaking of monkeys, I don't wanna monkey around
with those black clouds in front of us.
Then don't do it!
PILOT: It's too late, I'm sorry.
♪
Francine...
About our argument before...
I booked this extremely budgeted vacation package.
It's my fault.
So I just want to say, if we don't survive...
you also made a lot of mistakes before this trip,
and I don't forget that.
Are you gonna bring up the little Matt Damon movie...
Downsizing.
You forgot to buy me a ticket, so I had to sit by myself.
You forgave me for that!
I did forgive you.
I'm just remembering it now.
I watched from across the theater
while you and the kids laughed your asses off!
We weren't laughing!
I don't think that movie was supposed to be funny.
It was hysterical.
Matt Damon was so small!
It was pretty thoughtless, Mom.
Oh, you're calling Mom thoughtless, Steve?
You let my Sims family [bleep] die in a house fire!
I was five!
They said the saddest nonsense as they burned.
Let it go, Hayley.
When you were five, you poked a hole in my diaphragm,
to disastrous result!
Five? Do you mean me?
I'm a disastrous result?
I like you now!
Please, we're all very scared, and you're fighting so loudly.
Why don't you just die, old lady!
[gasps]
PILOT: The engines are out!
- We're gonna be okay! - [engine whines]
PILOT: We're definitely going to die!
Sweet, sweet lightning, I knew you would save me!
I'm declaring this bird a no-fly!
Everyone head to the back!
Francine, the week we were married,
you ate all the Golden Grahams.
PILOT: Excuse me?
These are your parachutes!
You open them like this.
Oops!
I'm sorr...
[screaming]
STEVE: [gasping]
Mom? Dad?
Hayley!
♪
[coughing]
Steve!
Oh, thank God we're all okay.
There's a lighthouse there. Let's see if someone's inside.
I hope they speak Portuguese. I'm two days in on Duolingo.
Holaaaa?
Which is "hello?"
Seems like no one's been here for a long time.
Lots of drinking water,
and about a thousand cans of pumpkin pie mix.
All those canned food drives
where I gave delicious pumpkin pie mix,
was that all going to...
lighthouse keepers?
Gross.
This radio doesn't work.
Somebody's bound to come look for us.
Maybe once this fog clears.
Could be a long wait.
A chance to have some quality time together!
I can't say I liked the plane crash,
but at least it put a stop to all that silly fighting.
I, for one, am glad that we've stopped all that silly fighting.
I'll tell you what isn't silly...
Our love for each other.
A hundred percent.
The message is clear.
And yet...
I still remember the things you all did that made me mad.
I'm thinking about them right now.
I'm thinking only of those things.
Right, it's like, I'm glad you're all alive,
I just wish my Sims family was alive too, you know?
My Golden Grahams.
I cannot be here with you people!
There's not a single book or magazine
or 4,300-piece limited edition Lego London Tower bridge?
We have to sit around staring at each other?
We don't have to look at each other at all!
There's a TV/VCR combo.
And a tape!
Yessss. Wait, what's on it?
Some episodes of Murphy Brown.
MURPHY BROWN: Oh, this newsmagazine is run by idiots!
- [laugh track] - [applause]
DAD: Whoa, Gold Top Nuts?
I want it to be a nice party.
It is the big game.
- [doorbell rings] - My brother is here!
But he roots for the opposite team!
- My team's gonna win! - [doorbell rings]
Hey, Mom, that's Tiffany.
I invited her over for the big game!
Tiffany's here?
Hi! I brought my boyfriend.
SON: Man!
- [doorbell rings] - Honey, your boss is here!
Sorry to interrupt the big game,
but I came to tell you you're fired.
Oh, and give me that Gold Top.
[cheering]
I had a second can of Gold Top.
ANNOUNCER: Gold Top Nuts.
Give yourself the best.
That's all that's on the tape?
Aaand Murphy.
Cue Murphy.
Where Murphy Brown?
Ughh, we gotta get off this island.
I'm gonna see if I can fix the radio.
That's a dumb idea.
I'll just fix the big light.
I'm gonna write an SOS message on the beach with rocks.
And I'll help.
Ugh. Don't talk to me while we do it.
You don't talk to me first!
[haunting piano music plays]
♪
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- Hey. - Yeah?
Were you gonna say something?
I, uh,
I don't remember.
Was I gonna say something?
[haunting music continues]
♪
- Who are you? - Who am I?
Who are we?
The only question, really...
in addition to all the others.
So none of us knows who we are.
But we are.
We exist.
Agreed. Our existence is unquestionable.
Listen to the sound of my existence upon the ground.
And I know that I am human, that we...
are humans.
But what does it mean to be humans?
I would like to posit something.
There is a lighthouse over there.
If it contains other humans, they might know who we are.
Or why we are.
Sure.
No one is here.
Someone was just here.
They were eating some sort of food.
Mmm.
This is the only, and therefore best food I've ever had.
They were building some sort of device.
- And look at this. - Look at what?
Seems like they go like this.
They're making everything blurry.
That's how everything is to me.
Then now, I am like you.
[waves lapping]
Not much to see.
Where did all the people go?
Look at that!
"H and E."
Who is "he"?
What if someone was interrupted while writing "heaven"?
- Ooh, I like that. - Ahh.
Or "hell."
- Hmm. - Uh-oh.
Or "heggo"?
What is "heggo"?
A third option.
Ugh!
I don't understand what any of this stuff is.
But how are we going to get answers to our questions?
Who are we?
Why are we here?
What does it mean to be human?
I hunger in my despair.
Where is can?
MURPHY BROWN: idiots!
[laugh track]
- DAD: Whoa, Gold Top Nuts? - People!
MOM: I want it to be a nice party.
- It is the big game. - [doorbell rings]
MOM: Honey, your boss is here.
Sorry to interrupt the big game,
but I came to tell you you're fired.
This is humanity.
This is culture.
ANNOUNCER: Gold Top Nuts.
Give yourself the best.
Again.
DAD: Whoa, Gold Top Nuts?
MOM: I want it to be a nice party.
- It is the big game. - [doorbell rings]
MOM: My brother is here!
My team's gonna win!
MOM: I had a second can of Gold Top.
- [doorbell rings] - MOM: My brother is here!
But he roots for the opposite team!
[fast forwarding]
SON: Tiffany's here?
Hi!
- I brought my boyfriend. - SON: Man!
Tiffany's boyfriend is something bad.
Gold Top is something good.
- [doorbell rings] - My brother is here!
DAD: But he roots for the opposite team!
ANNOUNCER: Give yourself the best.
They have covered their bodies.
We look just as they now.
ANNOUNCER: Give yourself the best.
Gold Top Nuts.
The best, correct?
They are everything. They are all.
How can we carry on without them?
All we have is the pumpkin pie mix, but...
Gold Top!
Gold Top! Gold Top! Gold Top!
- Gold Top! Gold Top! - Look how human we're being!
Tiffany is a name.
And what a name!
We need names.
My name is Can.
My name is Lighthouse.
My name is Can.
We're doing it!
Gold Top! Gold Top...
Stop!
Is it Gold Top?
Are these names for people?
Let us turn to the tape!
It is the big game.
The one who puts out the Gold Top first
is always standing, like I am now.
They are called Mom.
I take this name.
The one who is fired, Mom calls it "honey."
I like this sound for myself.
I still like Can. Call me Can.
- Call me... - [doorbell rings]
Murphy Brown.
Hi! I brought my boyfriend.
- Booo! - Hisss!
- [burps] - Ugh.
Your rude belch has entered the room like Tiffany's boyfriend.
MOM: It is the big game.
Can, what is "the big game"?
It came to me in a dream, Mom.
Are you ready to see the big game?
DAUGHTER: Hey, Mom.
Ahh!
[cheering]
Excellent big game, Can.
You know what this fire reminds me of?
The fireplace that you see in the background
when the dreaded Tiffany's boyfriend comes in the door?
Yes!
The light in the sky,
that flashes like the magnificent Gold Top seal,
has gone.
But the small lights...
FRANCINE: I think they can only be one thing.
Other lighthouses.
What about the water that is in every direction?
How could we ever get up to those lighthouses?
Obviously, the world is an inverted, wet bowl,
dotted with lighthouses.
The further out you go,
the higher you climb up the watery walls.
To understand the universe is to control it.
[clears throat] I have written a new story.
Once, there was a dark-haired person whose name was Mom,
and she wanted to make a nice party,
for it was the big game, after all...
[quietly] Another good one from Can.
A beautiful Gold Top day.
[rattling]
[ominous music plays]
- DAD: Top Nuts? - MOM: I want it to be a nice...
- Look at this! - MOM: It is the big game.
- Look at this! - [doorbell rings]
MOM: My brother is here.
DAD: But he roots for the opposite team.
Also, look at this!
The pain is a hundred Tiffany's boyfriends!
One thing's clear... this rock is a very important rock.
Ooh, Gold Top's on!
Sorry to interrupt the big game...
[sound distorting]
- No! No! - What is happening?
It is gone.
This is a sign.
- It is time to go. - To where?
To the other lighthouses.
Murphy Brown is right.
There must be other lighthouses,
and they must contain other people.
And maybe they don't have our knowledge of Gold Top.
We must teach them.
We must... rule them?
Easy, Can.
It likely won't come to that.
It probably will, though.
It's ready.
To new, identical worlds!
The waters ahead may hold untold bosses
who seek to put us into fire.
But by Tiffany herself,
we will have the second can, and it will be a nice party!
So long, lighthouse.
You've been good to us.
Now, we must ration cans, for it will be a long journey...
Another lighthouse!
FRANCINE: Told ya!
We bring word of Gold Top!
Kneel before Gold Top, you heathens!
Uh, welcome to the Beacon Diner,
home of the best seafood on the Langley waterfront.
Stan Smith, rewards member.
Need a no-reservation table for...
my family.
Oh, my God.
Oh. Right.
Tiffany's boyfriend, this is embarrassing.
SUZE: It's the fourth hour of Morning Mimosa,
and Trish has fallen asleep in her chair,
so it's time for Liquid Lunch with Suze!
They're the local Langley family that everyone's talking about,
surviving a harrowing plane crash
and ending up on an abandoned island
where magnetic bedrock erased their minds.
What they got up to then has had the whole nation laughing.
My guests today, for their first television interview,
the Smiths, or as they've come to be known, the Nuts family.
One of our conditions in coming here
was that you not use that name!
You survived a plane crash!
- Which is incredible. - [applause]
Thank you.
All the other crash survivors
swam the short distance to shore.
Now, why on Earth did you choose to swim to Magnet Island,
famously shut down for making
all those lighthouse keepers go insane?
We... We didn't know the island was magnetic,
and we couldn't see anything with all the mist!
Yes, yes, before the island's magnetic properties
were discovered, it was called Misty Island.
- Everyone knows that. - They do?
Let's skip to the ridiculous things
you came to believe on the island.
Well, we couldn't remember what society was,
or who we were, so we tried to figure it out.
By watching what?
This is the best part.
An old commercial for Gold Top Nuts...
An old commercial for Gold Top Nuts!
[laughter]
It's all we had to go on.
Let's watch the commercial now, and then we'll get into
the frankly hilarious things you took from it.
DAD: Whoa, Gold Top Nuts?
This is great. So funny.
Let's go over your dumb slang,
like the Tiffany's boyfriend stuff,
and then maybe talk about thinking
the sun is a Gold Top seal,
and then maybe the kids can demonstrate
that cuckoo "big game" you made up.
Dad, I don't want to do that.
ANNOUNCER: Give yourself the best.
So you guys watched this commercial and your response
was to start worshipping cashews?
You're making fun of us!
How about you wear your daughter's headband as a diaper,
and we'll feed you some of these for the camera.
Have you had these yet?
None of that stuff matters to us now!
You're being such a brother-in-law,
like you're rooting for the opposite team.
- [gasps] - This interview is over!
[audience laughs, applauds]
Up next, we have a marketing monkey from Pace Picante,
and Tin Cup star Rene Russo is here
to lick their spicy, new salsa off his finger!
That. Was. Horrible.
We are famous for being weirdos!
Hey, Nuts family.
- [tires squeal] - [horns honk]
Hey, looney birds, you like nuts so much,
how 'bout you [bleep] on these!
Do you even have nuts?
How dare you!
[crashing]
That's it. No more TV appearances.
It's time to get back to our lives
and put this nonsense behind us.
But I can't stop thinking about it.
Why did any of it, the plane crash,
the memory wipe, the commercial, why did any of it happen?
That's island talk.
The word "why" is now forbidden.
Why, you ask? Ya don't!
Stan's right.
We have to move on with our lives.
Forget it ever happened.
And no nodding uneasily!
[bubbling]
♪
[thud]
I know, I know. I'm making it worse.
♪
[haunting piano music]
♪
So.
None of us can stop thinking about
what happened on the island.
Steve you asked why, and I think I know now.
Before the island, we were fighting so much.
We thought we couldn't forgive each other
because we couldn't forget.
But it turns out, if you forget,
then there can be no act of forgiveness.
The answer, as much as we've tried to deny it,
as embarrassing and strange as it may be, was on that tape.
If we can't fully forgive and we can't fully forget,
then all we can do is offer each other more kindness.
We have to offer each other...
the best.
How I used to treat all of you.
How I will treat you from now on.
I'll put out the good nuts for you.
♪
Gold Top, Gold Top...
[growing louder] Gold Top, Gold...
ROGER: I'm up in my room, thinking about ice cream,
wanting ice cream, and then I remember we have
that four-year-old Soy Delicious.
Lotta frost on there.
Hey, I'm glad you didn't die on that island or whatever.
Mmm.
Wow.
These are actually incredible.
You should go buy some right now.
ANNOUNCER: This has been a paid advertisement
- for Gold Top Nuts. - WOMAN:♪ Gold Top Nuts ♪
♪ You deserve the best ♪
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
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