Malory archer.
You get more beautiful every
Time I see you.
Oh, gussy. You minx.
You'll be the death of me yet.
But if I die, let it be with the
Name of this dusky jewel upon my lips.
Lord feltchley, may I
Present miss lana kane?
Yes, you bloody well may.
Uh, it's so nice to,
Uh -- wow, okay.
That's, uh, kidskin you're
Slobbering on, so -- okay.
Wouldn't want to offend that
Boyfriend of yours, eh, wot?
Oh, offense taken, your lordship.
Glad to hear it, whoever you are.
Cyril figgis, isis comptroller.
And also my -- boyfriend.
Person I'm dating. We date.
No, you don't. No, no, no.
Your man's a rakish chap.
Air of mystery, chiseled good looks.
Oh, I think maybe you mean my ex.
Archer.
Archer! Exactly just!
Uh, that's -- and if memory serves, not
Only handsome but also --
A secret agent!
That's what I am.
And I shouldn't even be saying
That, but you have a certain
Thickness about you that I find
Very appealing.
Well, I find your drunkenness
Very unappealing.
I am drunk or I
Wouldn't be talking to you.
So if you'll please excuse me -- hey, come on.
Don't be like that.
Sterling, look out!
Feltchley!
You dirty sassenach!
We irishmen will never bow down
Before the english crown!
Ooh. Sterling archer.
That was totally ninja!
Il est incroyable, non?
Yeah, if you're, uh, into that.
Lana... Hmm?
Hello! Hey!
What's up, buddy? Uh, nothing.
Oh, dear.
Good show, archer!
You really saved my bacon.
Hey, come on.
You know I'd never let anything
Happen to your bacon.
I love you, santa claus!
What?
I do.
Sync by ee www.addic7ed.com
Cyril, we've got big problems.
Well, it may seem daunting now.
But in the long run, the hsa
Makes a lot more sense than flex accounts.
Malory: I don't mean the health plan...unless it covers
Wandering-eye syndrome.
Cyril: well, that depends on
If that's a real thing.
Malory: oh, it's very real,
And lana has it. Cyril: wait. What?
Malory: cyril, I know you saw
How she looked at sterling last night.
Cyril: well, I think she was just shaken up.
Malory: stirred up, cyril, in the loins.
You -- you think her loins were stirring.
If not frothing.
Frothing? Oh, great. What should I do?
We should make you
Into someone for whom lana's
Loins get equally frothy.
And how exactly would we do that?
Well, she's obviously
Attracted to men of danger.
Like archer. Exactly.
The perfect field agent.
So who better to train you to become one?
Archer train me to be a field agent?
He's already been briefed, but only on the "What,"
Mind you, not the "Why."
No sense in telling him it's about lana.
Lana -- boy, wait till i tell her about this. No!
Cyril, under no circumstance is
Lana to know about our little...plan. Right.
I think -- oh, but about plans. Health plan switchover --
I'll take care of whatever that is.
You just concentrate on your training.
And archer's really okay with us?
Oh,ot at all, which is just gravy.
No, I just let mother
Think that because I know what
She's up to, vis-Ã -vis cyril and
Lana and me, and it's not
Broadening cyril's horizons. Trust me.
Mother's idea of horizon broadening is a lot of fights
Walking home from a lot of jazz-tap lessons.
I so enjoy our talks. You got them?
Then they're loaded and ready to go?
Seriously, krieger, you are my oprah.
So obviously, I'm not happy
About this whole arrangement --
But your mother is --
But I wonder what lana thinks about --
Oh, naot "Need to know" On this.
Wow, "Open purse, remove balls," Huh?
Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you kept a
Secret from lana.
Uh, hello! Herpes?!
You ve la herp?!
Cyrhello, cheryl. It's carol.
What? Since when? Since I h it
Legally changed because you
Always call me carol.
Wow, that's -- excuse us.
What is this herpes business?
Sorry, bad joke... And a false alarm.
Lesson one, get used to that.
Should I be writing this down?
No! Never leave a paper trail.
That's lesson one. So ditch this.
Hey, that's --
...my dead mom's pen. Jesus!
Cyril did that!
Here, this is what a real field agent uses.
Huh, point's a lot finer than I prefer.
That's because it's a hypodermic needle and the
Cartridge is full of a deadly
Super-toxin called poizocaine.
Here. Keep it in here, but be careful.
The cap slips off for, like, no reason.
Oh, you're giving me the
Chuck noise, karen carpenter's stunt double?
I'm sorry. I thought you were walking backwards.
It's all the hsa switchover crap.
I'm so over that lame flex account.
When does the hsa start?
When cyril e-files these dd-14s.
Oh, miss archer's taking care of those.
What?! Cyril's off somewhere with mr. Archer.
Cyril's off what? With whom?!
I think "Somewhere" was the "What" There and
"Mr. Archer" Was the "Whom." worlds collide, huh?
Kind of inevitable,
Really, for a serial workplace dater.
Oh, yeah!
Call the kettle black!
Did she just race-card me, or -- are you
Totally just gay for her?
I'm the human resources
Director, little miss hostile work environment!
She is riddled with herpes. Hey!
Inappropriate workplace topic...
And also a deal breaker.
Lesson one -- human intel -- shoot!
I forgot about the dd-14s.
Screw 'em! That's mother's headache.
You tell me -- does it look like I'm allergic?
Jesus jones. Y.
So, when I asked for
Cucumber slices, which one of
You idiots sent up zucchini?!
Uh, well, that, uh -- well, that --
That would be jane who did that.
Scatterbrain jane?
I know. She's just a mess.
Because this is obviously zucchini.
Oh, like you'd recognize a vegetable that
Wasn't wrapped in a monte cristo sandwich!
What's that supposed to mean?
That is pam,
Isn't it?
Okay, so, human intelligence entails --
Well, there's false flags, dead drops, dropouts,
Cutouts, active doubles, passive
Doubles, dangledoles, the
Often underappreciated honeypot.
Wow, that sounds like a lot to cover.
Yeah, so we may have
To gloss over almost all of it.
Weapon!
Hey, hon. Hey, back.
What, uh -- what's this?
Well, uh, see, uh, here's the thing.
Under no circumstance is lana to know
About our little...plan.
Here's what thing?
Archer's dd-14... Yeah.
...that we're on our way down to clear up with jane.
Really? Well, you know,
Scatterbrain jane.
And you're cooking dinner later?
Yes, I am. Yeah. Yep.
Spear gun?
Oh, I can't believe I just did that.
Yeah, dunce!
Now jane's a loose end.
Hey, jane!
You getting a snack?
Keep your story vague.
That's lesson one.
No, I mean, morality
Aside, how do you keep track of all these lies?
Practice, cyril.
Lying is, like, 95% of what I do.
In your job? Sure.
I got to admit, it was
Pretty cool how you handled that spear gun.
It was pretty cool.
Will I geto learn karate?
Karate? The dane cook of martial arts?
No, isis agents use krav maga.
Krav -- we've got an ex-mossad guy.
He comes in on thursdays.
Yeah, tuesdays he does a really rigorous spin class.
So, will I need sweatpants?
Cyril, you need all new clothes.
Well, what's wrong with these?
Sorry.
I was laughing at your clothes.
Wow, archer, you were right.
A tailored suit hangs so much better.
That's because woodhouse is a genius.
Like so many other geniuses, unappreciated in --
Shut up and hem, you
Old fruit!
Woodhouse: speaking of fruit,
Sir -- oh! Sorry. Cyril!
Cyril, check this out. Really?
Don't make it weird.
It's your friend.
And so's this baby.
Jeezy petes! It's a chekhov.
Russian-made, .25 caliber.
When would you use an underwear gun?
Hopefully never.
But say you're in a caribbean bungalow and you're
Kind of high.
An exotic woman on the bed.
Now, is she just the high-priced
Whore you asked for?
Or is she...an assassin?!
I don't know.
Here's room service. Who ordered champagne?
How should I know? Exactly!
You're baked. You can't remember.
But since when does it take
Three huge, surly jamaican guys
To deliver one bottle of
Champagne?
Because they're assassins, too!
Or maybe one guy's a
New waiter, the second one's
Training him, and the third's
From maintenance, finally off
His lazy ass to fix the c.
Yeah, I guess that could happen.
Point is, you come out of the john waving this
Around, nobody's gonna bug you for a tip.
Here. It's a gift. Thanks.
Wow, that is slippery.
And the safety's off, so be careful.
It could go off for, like, no reason.
Now, what are these pills?
Oh, just antihistamines -- mostly.
You just rest, miss archer.
We'll take care of these dd-14s for you.
Damn right you will.
Idiot.
Pam, look at this.
Holy shit snacks!
We have snacks?
Everybody's personal
Medical records!
Oh, no, we can't be looking at this.
It's totally confidential.
It totally should be.
Look at this.
Oh, my god.
Cyril tried to get his plan to
Cover a penis...ensmallment?
Who'd have thunk it?
I bet agent kane thunks it plenty.
You bet she does what
I bet she, uh -- no, I
Got nothing. That's what I thought.
You seen cyril? Is that lana?
Wow, happened to you?
Scatterbrain jane!
But let just tell you, okay?
You should be thankful you have cyril.
For about 12 reasons.
Well, thank you, malory.
But if you don't mind, I'd prefer to keep my personal
Affairs out of the office! Oh, please.
She's had more pens in that
Company ink than...aen store.
And yet...
...does not have herpes.
Deal un-breaker.
Trinette: what's the matter, baby?
'fraid you'lcah something?
No, it's not that!
I've just never been this close to -- call girl!
It's not an insult, cyril.
Trinette takes priden her work.
Trinette: I really do.
So come on. Budge in. Gosh.
Trinette: now, that's not so
Bad, is it? No.
That feels pretty good.
Trinette: ooh, I can tell. You are gifted.
God, it's just his gun, trinette!
Sorry.
Bet this seems pretty weird.
Trinette: oh, please. The sick shit I've done in
This apartment? Okay.
Trinette: and that wasn't all gun, neither. No, ma'am.
Hey, can you two focus -- please?!
Woodhous are you ready, or what?
Woodhouse: yes, quite ready,
Sir, though not entirely willing.
And I don't know if I am, either.
Trinette: could have fooled me!
It's perfectly safe.
You're tangoing, then your
Trained field-agent eyes spot two threats.
But they're not trained.
We haven't done this yet.
Archer: this is how you train them.
So you spot your first threat.
Woodhouse.
Woodhouse: my knees -- archer: bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
You put him down.
But just shoot the pad, not woodhouse.
Cyril: like actually shoot the gun?
Archer: how else are you gonna learn?
Okay, he's down -- just the
Pad, though -- then you see the second threat.
Oh, no, you're out of ammo. Now what are you gonna do?
Cyril: oh, that's where the turn com in? Archer: duh.
Woodhouse, get in position.
Woodhouse: I really need a better health plan.
Archer: shut up. Weapon is hot, and live-fire
Exercise, in...5, 6, 7, 8.
Tango, tango, tango.
Scan the ballroom of the cuban
Embassy for the double agent
You're supposed to meet.
You're just some canadian dude
Down here on business, and... Threat!
Woodhouse!
Cyril!
Archer: shoot! Shoot, bitch!
Democracy's at stake.
Cyril: take that, forces of evil!
Trinette: way to go, baby. You hit it.
Cyril: yeah. I did, didn't I?
Archer: second threat, cyril.
Cyril: oh, right.
Jesus! Christ on sale!
Archer: yeah, cyril!
That was totally ninja.
Cyril: no, archer. That was totally uncool.
Archer: sorry, trinette. Did that hurt?
Trinette: yeah, it fricking hurt, idiot! It's ice.
Archer: okay, we'll use grapes.
Woodhouse: we've only lingonberries, sir.
Archer: are they
Ballistically similar to grapes?
Trinette: screw your grapes
And screw your whatever berries! I'm out of here!
Cyril: no, wait.
Trinette, please.
Trinette: please my fat irish
Ass!
What the hell's in your freaking
Pocket?
I don't feel so good.
Me neither.
Lana: and voice mail again.
So, it's me -- duh -- and did
You say you'd cook, or did I
Mishear that?
I know I misheard you about
Jane, because, turns out, I ran
Into her.
Lana: hey, jane.
You getting a tampon?
Yeah. Loose end.
But I'm sure you had a good
Reason to lie to me, so can't
Wait to hear what it was.
Archer: oh, my god!
You killed a hooker!
Cyril: call girl! Archer: no, cyril!
When they're dead, they're just hookers.
God, I said the cap slips off
The poison pen for no reason,
Didn't I?
Cyril: but I just assumed that if anything bad happened --
Archer: no, do not say the
Chekhov gun, cyril.
That, sir, is a facile argument.
Woodhouse: and also woefully esoteric.
Archer: woodhouse.
Woodhouse: fetching a rug, sir.
Archer: now he's fetching a rug. Happy, cyril?!
Cyril: no! No, I'm not happy!
Archer: well, guess what! Me neither!
I mean, big picture, I wouldn't
Say I'm a happy person.
Woodhouse: sir, I have
Fetched the rug.
Archer: plus, now I'm out of a rug.
Oh, god, I should
Never have agreed to this.
You and your stupid mother and
Her stupid frothing loins!
I know you're upset,
But if you ever mention my
Mother's loins or their
Frothiness to me again, I don't
Know what I'll do, but it wi
Be bad.
Now let's go bury this dead
Hooker.
Shirt tales!
We need a password.
Hang on a second.
How you doing, miss archer?
I am good.
Okay try -- okay, try
"Guest."
Well, that's just idi-- oh, my god.
I know, right?
So here let's make the co-pay
Zero and the deductible --
Superhigh, right?
No. Low.
You want the lowest deductible.
But don't you deduct it on your taxes or
Something, so you want more?
And people think jane's stupid.
Cheryl: speaking of, it's
Probably better...if jane was
The last one to log in.
You are a bitch.
Malory: I am not!
Why, because I don't want
Sterling to end up with a woman
Like lana kane?
My god, a black...
Ops field agent?
Thought she was going in a whole other direction with that.
Malory: because let me tell you, I was black ops, and that
Does not, for a young boy, a
Very merry christmas make.
Woodhouse: "Ajax a success.
Tehran is ours. Stop.
Merry xmas from mommy and
Uncle kermit. Stop."
Also, uh, be nicer to woodhouse. Stop.
Archer: you made up that last part, didn't you?
Woodhouse: I did, sir.
Archer: douche. Oh, my god.
Cheryl: I know, right?
This is the most kick-ass health
Plan ever.
Malory: and I think I just had a flashback, so...these
Antihistamines are insane!
Archer: oh, I'm crazy?
Cyril, you're the one who killed
A perfectly good hooker.
By accident. We -- we could explain --
To who, cyril? The cops? Lana?
She'd never forgive me.
Archer, my life is ruined.
And all because mother cooked up this stupid
Plan to make you an agent just
To impress lana!
Ironic, isn't it?
I'm not sure that's technically irony. What?!
This is like o. Henry and
Alanis morissette had a baby and
Named it "This exact situation."
No -- yes, it is!
Because a man like you, cyril,
Doesn't deserve a woman like lana!
You butthole!
You set this all up just to
Drive me and lana apart.
Well? Screw you, archer!
Hostile work environment. Exactly.
I'm gonna file a hostile work
Environment lawsuit against you
And your mother and isis --
What? Who the hell is that?
Your confederates in
Operation butthole!
Nice try, archer, but
Cyril figgis ain't buying it.
You hear that?! I ain't buying it!
Oh, my god! How about now, cyril? Oh, my god!
Feeling ready to buy?
To scatterbrain jane.
And to plan-covered
Elective surgery.
And the boob job that
You so need.
And the ass-reduction
That you so need.
And the skinny-bitch-ectomy you need.
Oh, my god, did you hear that?
What do you think it is?
Immigrants.
That's all they do, you know --
Just drive around, listening
To raps, and shooting all the
Jobs.
Who are those guys?
How should I know?
Kgb, the stasi, shining path,
This guy I know named popeye?
I have enemies, okay?!
That's because no one likes you!
Seriously, do you not sense that?
I am a product of my upbringing, cyril.
Well, I was a single
Mother, and it'sig,
Dangerous world out there.
Are you idiots still even here?
So, why aren't you better at this?
I am the best at
This, rain man, okay?
I'm like -- who? James bond?
Well, I don't like to invite that comparison, but,
Yeah, basically. So do something!
I'm doing all kinds of stuff, cyril!
I'm shooting the gun, driving the car.
I could drive better than that.
Knock yourself out.
I'm ejecting. Oh, no. Oh, yes.
I am totally am.
Stop it. No.
There's grenades in the glove box.
Excuse me!
Yeah, I'm looking for two guys.
They're on their way to the morgue.
Great. Archer, what am I gonna tell her?
Well, if you learned anything today, it won't be the truth.
I don't care if you
Have 50 dead hookers in the trunk.
You lied to me. Did not learn anything.
Well, you shot a machine gun at me.
Around you.
Because my feelings were hurt.
Why on earth would you lie to me?
I just wanted to show you I could be a supcool isis
Field agent like archer.
But, baby, don't you
Know I...like you so much
Because you're exactly the
Opposite of archer? Well, yeah.
Not to mention your other qualities.
Oh, you are such a
Naughty nellie.
He just gets a pass,
Like milton berle?
Yup.
Hey, so, how did you
Know where I was?
When we first started going out, I may have...
Injected a tracking device into
Your body. In my body?
No, now, that is a breach of trust, lana.
Do you really want to open this can of trust-breachy
Worms, right aergh I caut you
And my ex-boyfriend with a dead
Hooker in thtrunk?
I do not. You do not.
Oh, and, archer, how's
This for ironic? Yo, you know what?
I don't have a "One to some other numb of douche bag"
Scale, so six.
Oh, my god. Trinette.
Trinette: yeah, trinette,
You shit ass!
So, you know you
Have to be punished.
So what you're gonna do is walk
Into our veo store and b the
Nastiest, barebackingest,
Hard-dickingest, ball-slappiest
Interracial porno in there.
From the sweet, old korean lady?
Yup.
How you feel about that?
Like I got off pretty easy.
Night ain't over yet.
Trinette: throw me in a trunk?!
Not part of the plan.
Trinette: inject me with some crazy spy poison?
It was just a harmless tranquilizer.
And let's be hones-- I doubt
That's the first needle you ever -- ow.
Trinette: I never! Give me your wallet.
I already paid you.
Trinette: file a customer-service complai.
I'm re popeye would love to
Hear it. Come on.
You wouldn't tell popeye.
Oh, give me your watch.Me.
You know how much this thing costs?
Probably less than a new set of kneecaps.
There. Happy?
Trinette: almost.
You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned
From all this, but I --
Oh, shit! My rug!
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