Torvald utne.
The olympic shot-putter?
The chairman of the
U.N. Intelligence committee.
Do you not even skim the
Briefings in your inbox?
I have an inbox?
Utne decides which
Spy agency gets the insanely
Lucrative u.N. Contract.
And as you may or...
...Probably don't know, for six
Years running, the contract has gone to odin.
The organization of douche bags
In -- in...
Wait, I had something for this.
Douche-baggery notwithstanding...
Nowheresville. ...Their ground floor
Isn't a laundromat.
Wash-and-fold, technically. Isis needs that u.N. Contract.
So I am going to woo mr. Torvald utne...
Gross.
...With a dinner party tonight.
And you're uninviting
Me in advance?
Normally, yes.
But this party is different and
Very important, so absolutely
Nothing can go wrong.
Well, then we better keep dr. Bellows away from jeannie.
No! No dates!
From "I dream of jeannie."
No one is bringing a date, so don't you bring a date.
Okay, but I don't want to get there and be the
Only one without a date.
And I don't want another one of your sullen
Whores using my medicine cabinet
Like a...
A pez dispenser!
Peggy, you will probably kill me for this.
But, senator, we now have a
Subway museum.
If -- are you still big into trains?
That wasn't her fault!
Who puts oxycontin in a xanax bottle?
People with servants, idiot!
But if they're stealing pills, how does it help
To switch the labels?
Because they can't read english!
okay.
×Ö I'm gonna leave you to think about
ÄÂ» that whole line of reasoning...
You think about it! ...And whatever
Scheme you're hatching for this dinner party.
There's no... Scheme-hatchery.
hello? Ja, guten tag.
Ist das -- do you mind?
It's the caterer. right.
Okay. Sure.
Your instructions are clear?
ja, ja. No problem.
Oh, I have other call.
Ja, okay!
Hello? hello.
oh, da, da.
so, your instructions are clear?
da. excellent.
uta, get dressed. We work tonight.
but, mani, what about
The fantasticks?
tomorrow, liebchen, I promise.
But -- oh.
You bought this ridiculous thing.
is it so ridiculous to ready
My body for the baby?!
uta, please do not start this.
Just ready your body for work, hmm?
fine. What is the job? two jobs.
The first, we make a big phony
Attempt to kill torvald utne.
okay.
And the second?
we kill torvald utne.
So, your instructions are clear?
drinks und fish balls.
You ring first bell for dinner.
Und on second bell, I come out
All john wooey, screaming crazy
Und shooting blanks.
Then I throw myself
In front of utne, shielding him
With my supple body as you're
Gunned down by isis agents.
who are also shooting blanks.
und loud ones.
Because for utne to buy it,
Everyone must act surprised.
Oh, I'm sure they will.
ja, me too.
mani, I have a bad feeling
For this. why?
Only I will have real bullets.
This is taking chocolate from a
Baby. oh, no.
We won't give our baby chocolate.
he can have carob.
thanks for inviting us to
Your swanky dinner party, ms. Archer.
Yeah, I could get used to this. Don't.
You're only here because I may
Need you to take one for the
Team.
Torvald is an incorrigible poon
Hound.
Those are enormous in size.
Oh, well, uh, thank you.
may I please cup one in my hand?
Ooh, see, here's the thing --
We're actually together.
Cyril, go get some
Gravlax.
Torvald, feel free to cup
Anything in the room.
Oh, you were talking about my guns.
it's strange that you'd wear
Them to a party.
You know, normally I
Wouldn't, but malory --
But that's isis for you -- always primed and ready
For action.
This is good to know.
Yeah. How about that?
Which is why you
Should consider isis for the
U.N. Contract.
Our agents are highly trained in
Many disciplines.
Like krav maga, for instance.
oh, my arm! You're breaking my arm!
Lana! Oh, I'm sorry.
Did that hurt? yes, it hurt!
What is wrong with you?!
Nothing but too much enthusiasm for the opportunity
To serve the u.N.
and hands like the truckasaurus.
Hey! Gravlax, anyone?
no! No gravlax!
I need painkillers!
Cyril, in my medicine
Cabinet -- wait, no!
I'll have to get it myself, just...
...Right after I get that.
Hello.
You're late.
What is that smell?
Gravlax and failure!
I think lana just broke
Torvald's hand!
Truckasaurus.
And we won't win that
Contract if -- who on god's
Green earth dressed you?!
Nobody -- that's why I'm late!
Woodhouse just disappeared.
only temporarily, sir.
Why are you here?
actually, sir, I'm with
Carina. Who?
carina!
I changed it again.
I feel that carina better
Captures my sensual womanhood.
Yeah, she so totally
Does.
And you said no dates!
I said no such thing.
Well, your mouth did.
Well, your mouth
Better get over there and make
Torvald happy!
Um, phrasing?
Regale him with
Exciting tales of isis exploits.
Take his mind off lana's huge,
Johnny benchian fingers.
Can we get off my fingers?
Yeah, they are pretty big.
First time I've heard
You complain.
heyo!
Seriously, who wants gravlax?
Sterling, go!
Regale him!
I think he's already
Being regaled.
Meatballs!
Oh, for -- torvald!
Bet you get that a lot,
Huh, torvie?
Pam! Swedish meatballs.
get away from me, you
Disgusting woman.
Wow.
So even pam got a date.
A man, even.
But suave master spy
Sterling archer stands alone.
just like the cheese.
I have a -- and a very handsome cheese at
That, sir!
I don't even know how you got out, woodhouse.
And I do have a date.
You do? Where is she?
She is parking.
Oh, yeah?
What's she driving -- a
Snuffleupagus?
Ha, ha, ha.
Uh, oh, wait.
Uh, with all that sexy european
Lingerie modeling to pay for her
European med school that she's
Going to, she probably never had
Time to learn to drive.
She sounds fabulous.
gravlax?
Thanks, no.
I'm allergic to cat piss.
Go away.
so, your instructions are
Clear?
why must you micromanage
Everything?
Ja, ja, okay.
mani, was ist los?!
You know what secondhand smoke
Does to a fetus!
uta, after we kill utne, we
Need to have a very long und
Serious talk.
no!
I need a painkiller, not a...
Torvald.
what is that -- a calcium
Supplement?
Trust me, dear --
These work wonders.
okay.
But what I have seen
Isis is a distant second to
Odin -- very distant.
malory: Well, what about the
Groundbreaking work dr. Krieger
Is doing for isis in our applied
Research division?
Yeah, tell him about the
Sex robot!
the what?!
malory: Yes, the what?!
I call him fister roboto.
But it doesn't just
Fist.
malory: Pam... Tell him.
he's a fully integrated,
Multi-fetish artificial being.
that is the most
Disgusting --
shut up! Shh! Shh!
And the best part is that he's
Learning.
isis clearly is not the
Agency for us!
Rotten gravlax, sex-bots, and...
Except for the negress, the
Women are --
malory: Willing to do
Whatever it takes.
Still gross.
and such rudeness!
Fister roboto wouldn't
Take that.
he's just too damn sensitive!
as also am I.
So if you will excuse m--
There, there.
Let that calcium citrate seep
Into your bones.
What about trinette?
She said that?
How about jade?
Ew, no, never mind.
Destiny?!
No, she's not passable!
With that adam's apple, she
Looks like she swallowed a rubik's cube.
excuse me, sir?
I...
you are looking for a date?
Are you working?
you could say that, yes.
Then we need to lock
Down your cover story.
And...
I need to hit an atm.
Torvald, please.
Don't go yet.
You haven't even tried the fish
Balls.
no need!
There's plenty of fishiness
Going on at isis without your
Balls!
Maybe I should go say
Something.
Yeah.
Where's the damn fish balls already?
I could kill for some food.
Sure it wouldn't be the
First time.
Lana.
No, I just meant, like,
She literally killed somebody --
and then ate their corpse.
Yeah, I saw where you were going
With that.
You know...
when I served in the king's
African rifles, the local
Zambezi tribesmen called human
Flesh "Long pig."
Never much cared for it.
Torvald, at least
Stay for dinner!
I think you'll be very surprised by --
I detest surprises, which is
Why the contract will remain with odin.
mani, do something!
Utne is leaving!
okay, okay.
We go ahead of schedule.
Find some tooperware.
We take food to go.
but you promised me
Ruby foo's.
ja, I also promised you a baby.
How's that working out for you?
lana: Hey, does that cook seem weird?
cyril: Normal weird or german
Weird?
now, good night. And good...
...Evening, you beautiful girl.
hello. archer: You're not, um, leaving, are you?
no.
Not if you are staying, miss...
archer: Oh, um... hubsch.
archer: Yeah. elke hubsch.
a pleasure, my dear.
I am torvald --
utne. I know.
I am a great admirer.
both: Really? archer: You know he's not the shot-putter, right?
of course he is not the shot-putter.
But I am sure he is very strong.
Unlike these drinks.
Come, my dear.
Let us find something potable.
archer: Whoa, wait a minute.
Hey, utne! Utne!
malory: Would you shut up?!
We just need to keep torvald ppy until dinner.
archer: And what about my happiness, mother? Well?!
malory: Oh, was that not rhetorical?
scheisse! Das ist "Die nadel!"
the needle?!
Why is she here?!
oh, that russian prick!
He sent two teams again.
And if the needle kills utne, we
Won't even get our per diem!
but what if you kill them
Both?
Ja, I could do this.
archer: Hey, help! Help!
help with what, sir?
archer: No, I was addressing
You as "Help."
What's the story on those fish balls?
coming right out.
archer: Well, hurry it up, all right?
All I've had today is like six
Gummi bears and some scotch.
gott im himmel!
this is why I don't get you
Nice things.
not that -- him!
Uta, that was duchess!
that was duchess?! ja!
The deadliest agent there is!
archer: Oh, my god.
I can't believe they fell for that.
but if he's on the plan of
Frau archer, then --
what if her plan is a big fat setup?!
What if they mean to kill us?!
Mani, the baby!
Okay, so, now we go to
Plan manfred.
and then ruby foo's.
well, we will see.
really?
A european lingerie model?
only to pay for european med school.
like to get a physical from her.
or with her.
I wonder if dr. Panty model knows how many
Pounds of pressure it takes to
Snap a human collarbone.
She probably uses the
Metric system.
Yeah, what do they use -- kilowatts?
no.
In this case, it would be pascals.
ugh. Hey, europe -- be gayer.
Lana, release him!
As you wish.
I find your lack of
Faith disturbing.
I find your mannish
Hands disturbing.
I think they're kind of sexy.
Excuse me?
they're fingers, pam, not kielbasas.
But keep them limbered up.
I have a big surprise planned
For dinner, and I need you
Ready, locked, and loaded!
Yeah, so, do you maybe
Want to let us in on your little
Scheme-hatchery?
No.
oh, if I were 20 years
Yo unger!
I can make you feel like you
Are.
I would like, I tnk, that
Very much.
Well, then go find an
Atm.
I'm sorry?
oh, me too.
I must leave for a moment.
Excuse me.
Yeah, sorry.
Don't mind me!
Hey, are you having a good time?
oh, I am!
Good to hear.
Please excuse us.
Keep her out of the medicine
Cabinet!
One more dead body in here, and
That bitch trudy beekman will
Have me right back in front of
The co-op board!
Wow, you don't get
Along with your neighbors
Anywhere.
Who could get along
With a woman who wallpapered her
Guest bathroom with vintage
New yorker covers?
yes, major.
I am in position and ready to
Eliminate the target.
excellent.
Odin will find it much harder to
Bribe a dead man for the u.N.
Contract.
And I will find it much more
Enjoyable to work with the woman
Who runs isis.
what do you mean "With"?
"Against," Obviously.
Duh.
obviously.
Und so I still think you should
Let me kill everybody here.
nyet!
Under no circumstances are you
To harm the hostess, who, um,
Whose name I have no way of knowing.
Hey, what the hell
Are you doing?!
Botox?
Not from the medicine cabinet!
No, don't use this!
She switches all the labels on
Her medicine. why?
I don't know.
I think there's, like, a racial component.
But for all we know, this could be insulin.
oh, your mother is a diabetic?
How should I know?
why don't you just pour it on everybody's?
because our employer was very
Clear -- we are not to harm the hostess.
but her I want to poison most of all.
Are you lazy huns
Ready or what?!
oh hello. Yep! Good.
So, on the second bell...
I come out shooting blanks. See?
Uta is just, um, polishing the gun.
Give me that!
Some idiot dropped a fish ball
On my azerbaijani rug!
I am that idiot!
ugh. Why are you so immature?
I'm 19.
elke, is everything all right?
wunderbar, torvald.
How are you?
I am fantastic, my dear.
Those calcium supplements are
Amazing.
You're gonna need some calcium after I do
Something bad to your bones.
hello? Hello?
can you hear me?
Come in!
Wait, what the hell?
what is the frequency? Kenneth?
turn off! Turn off!
Turn off! What?
I-I can't hear you, tiny man.
Wh-- oh, great!
Thanks, mother, for replacing
The baby aspirin with lsd!
God, that is just...
Mmm, classic her.
Places, everyone!
Is everyone comfy?
Sterling and lana?
You both have a clear line of...
Sight to the kitchen? Yes.
Sure. I think so. Well, then let's eat.
First bell!
Forgot how much I hated that.
Oh, that's right.
I kept it on the nightstand to
Wake nanny whenever sterling wet the bed.
Mother!
wait, whose bed? it was always
"Don't ask, don't tell."
Woodhouse! What are you doing?!
uh, sitting down, sir.
What, at the table?! Sterling.
Like people?! Sterling!
What?! Look, he thinks he's people!
this archer is a gigantic
Douche bag. oh, torvald.
Who cares about him?
Woodhouse, dear, please have a seat.
very kind of you, ma'am.
Shut up. Torvald, a toast?
sure. Go crazy. Oh!
Then, um... Hooray.
Wow. Dig in.
And what is this we're eating?
It smells vaguely poisonous.
It does smell vaguely
Poisonous.
are you sure she has the
Right plate?
pretty sure.
uta! what?!
I am pretty sure.
don't worry -- this is a
Normal smell!
This is called janssons frestelse.
frestel-- yes, frestelse.
It means "Temptation."
oh, torvald!
I am very tempted.
yes, and I am tempted to give
Isis the u.N. Contract, malory.
I mean, you are?!
well, that depends on your
Frestelse.
tell me, my dear, is it
Tempting?
elke, what is the matter?!
A-a-are you...
What? that's the wrong plate!
Uta!
"Uta!" That's how you talk.
perfidy! No!
Torvald, there's no perfidy!
you poisoned my food over a contract?!
Torvald, I swear I didn't!
well, when I am finished with
Isis, you won't be able to get a
Contract for a prepaid mobile phone!
I will tear you down, brick by
Perfidious brick!
It's okay! It's okay!
They're just blanks!
oh. Well, see, you say that...
But they were blanks, weren't they?
Only if the back of his skull picked that exact
Moment to explode outwards.
What?! Oh, my god!
Damn it! What?
Where are those germans?!
I should not do this in my condition.
what condition?!
Your only condition is that you
Are a stupid, crazy girl!
do not speak to me like a
Child, manfred!
I hate when you do that!
I think you like it, ja!
Because I think you have some
Serious und unresolved issues with your father!
ja?! ja.
und maybe that is why I date
A wrinkled old man like you!
I didn't mean that. no, no -- is okay. oh, mani.
I think we both knew it.
Just strange to hear it out loud.
Oh, for shit's sake.
And they didn't do one dish.
This is funny to you?!
I ate a bunch of that
Lsd you had labeled as baby aspirin.
That was baby aspirin.
Hey, guys? Wait, what?!
What, uh...
What's the plan here?
I shall fetch a rug!
No, you will not!
That rug was a gift from the
Azeri khan himself!
And besides, we're not going
Far.
is that hard to do with those big ol' ballpark
Franken-fingers?
Shut up. Hurry up -- the
Beekmans will be back anytime.
And nobody touch anything!
God, cyril, would you go?
I should be carrying her.
archer: Cyril, I paid her, I
Get to carry her corpse. malory: See?
Just look at this bathroom!
I kind of like it.
malory: Exactly. All right, drop them there, next
To that awful louis quinze repro.
malory: Now, then. We want this to look like a
Classic hooker/murder/suicide.
So...
Cyril, take sterling's gun, and
Pump a round into his prostitute. cyril: Wait, what?!
malory: Everyone shoots the chippy!
That way, we're all in it together.
Think of it as a team-building exercise.
cyril: But odin gets to go on outward bound!
malory: Well, odin can suck it! Now shoot!
cyril: Oh, jesus. malory: You're next!
archer: God, cyril, that was pathetic. malory: Come on!
Everybody shoots!
Now, sterling, drop your gun between the bodies, and --
archer: No! Have you ever seen "Csi"?
This is already like clue town.
malory: Not for long.
Dr. Krieger, dear?
wha-- oh.
malory: Cyril, call 911 from
Their phone, and leave it off
The hook, and -- sterling!
archer: But this gun -- it was a gift! malory: Oh, please!
Nobody gives you gifts!
archer: You don't know.
malory: Whatever you say, dear.
Dr. Krieger?
oh! Hot potato!
Now, then. We still didn't get the u.N. Contract.
malory: Oh, but I will.
And I'll get to see
Trudy beekman try to explain
This little barbecue to the
Co-op board!
that smell takes me back --
Just like a zambezi feast.
Yeah, I'm kind of hungry. Is that weird?
malory: It would be weirder if you weren't.
cyril: Well, this torte's a winner, malory.
What was the name again?
malory: Kladdkaka.
malory: Stop it!
archer: I'm sorry. That's -- that's a funny word.
I thought we were laughing at
The dead people we set on fire.
Sorry.
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