1
00:00:03,420 --> 00:00:06,673
Yeah, and what do you even
do here, sit on your ass and analyze data?

2
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,384
Well, I'm a field agent,
Isaac Newton. I risk my life.

3
00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:13,012
So, yeah, I do deserve
the best space in the parking garage.

4
00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:16,683
Like it'd kill you to roll 50 feet.
Stupid thing's electric.

5
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:20,061
Archer, I still haven't gotten those
T&E reports you promised me.

6
00:00:20,229 --> 00:00:21,813
Are you sure?
You didn't eat them?

7
00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:25,441
Yeah, well, since Lana broke up with me,
I've been finding solace in food.

8
00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:29,612
Well, keep your chins up,
Cyril. All 11 of them.

9
00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:33,241
Cyril's about half a wreck, huh?
Yeah, so why do you pick on him?

10
00:00:33,409 --> 00:00:35,159
I... Oh, was that
not rhetorical?

11
00:00:35,327 --> 00:00:39,372
And why are you bleaching everything?
Ugh! Because it sneezed out here.

12
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:43,042
Okay, is Mother in?
Oh, she's in there, all right.

13
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:44,711
And they're expecting you.

14
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,295
Thanks, crazy. I...

15
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:48,631
- Wait, who's they?
- Hello, Archer.

16
00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:50,091
Trinette.
Why are you here?

17
00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:53,720
You don't call me for a year
and that's how you talk to me?

18
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,638
Yes, dear, where are your manners?

19
00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:58,474
Oh, I'm sorry, I guess
I skipped the Emily Post chapter...

20
00:00:58,642 --> 00:01:00,893
...about how to introduce
your mother to a hooker.

21
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,146
Escort, you puke.
And I'm retired.

22
00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:05,022
Yeah? Your 401
Doing that well?

23
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:07,066
I have a SEP, smartass.
You have a SEP?

24
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:10,653
Oh, and this. So I ain't
worried about getting by.

25
00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:13,573
Why is this a subpoena?
It's for the paternity test.

26
00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:15,950
The what?
Yes, the what, dear.

27
00:01:16,952 --> 00:01:17,994
Wha...?
And the who.

28
00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:19,245
What who? Who is that?

29
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:24,417
Why, this is Seamus McGoon Ster...
No, Seamus Sterling McGoon Archer.

30
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,837
- Why is that who named like me?
- Why do you think?

31
00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:31,299
I'm asking you why.
Because he's your son.

32
00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:34,427
You colossal ******* idiot.

33
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:42,074
AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday

34
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:12,673
Why?

35
00:02:12,841 --> 00:02:15,885
Why didn't you just get a
vasectomy like I asked you to?

36
00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:17,386
I thought it would hurt.

37
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:20,389
And this doesn't?
Well, in a... It's apples and oranges.

38
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,183
I'm not ready to be a grandmother.

39
00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:23,935
Really? But you're so...

40
00:02:24,102 --> 00:02:26,229
Grandmotherly?
No. Old.

41
00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:28,731
If and when I am ready for a grandchild...

42
00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:32,527
...it won't be the potato-faced spawn
of some Irish whore.

43
00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:35,238
It's probably not.
Seriously, what's the odds on that?

44
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,198
So she had a lot of...?
You kidding?

45
00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:39,075
I used to have to book her
weeks in advance.

46
00:02:39,243 --> 00:02:40,243
Ugh.
Although...

47
00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:42,870
Although what?
Um...

48
00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:44,038
Phew. Wow.

49
00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:46,541
Trinette, that was amazing.
Yeah, well, you know...

50
00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:50,169
Wai... Wha...? Wait a minute. You liar.

51
00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:53,923
This ain't a condom wrapper,
it's from a fricking candy bar.

52
00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:58,344
So? Sometimes I like to treat myself.
Well, sometimes I like to ovulate.

53
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,847
Well, I gotta sleep,
so do it somewhere else.

54
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,348
Money's on the dresser.

55
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,600
Nothing. Hundred-to-one he's mine.

56
00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:06,018
Well, he better not be.

57
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,272
I couldn't bear the shame
it would bring on this family to have...

58
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:11,691
No, please, Mother, finish that thought.

59
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:14,443
I...
Oh, my God, you are such a hypocrite.

60
00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:19,198
You were gonna say "illegitimate child."
No, I was going to say "bastard."

61
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:22,326
Ouch. I mean
that's gotta hurt, huh?

62
00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:25,121
Why should I care if Archer
knocked up some hooker?

63
00:03:25,289 --> 00:03:27,957
Because babies are soft-skulled,
fat little germ sacks...

64
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,960
...and now we've all been
exposed to that one's bacteria.

65
00:03:31,128 --> 00:03:32,670
Wait, what?
Don't engage her.

66
00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:33,880
But come on, Lana.

67
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:37,425
You dated Mr. Archer forever.
And you have nothing to show for it.

68
00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:39,969
Paging Dr. Loggins.
Couple things.

69
00:03:40,137 --> 00:03:42,847
One, I don't need a baby
to validate my existence.

70
00:03:43,015 --> 00:03:47,935
And two, the absolute last person on Earth
I'd have a baby with is Archer...

71
00:03:48,103 --> 00:03:49,937
...because he is not sold
separately.

72
00:03:50,105 --> 00:03:52,148
Did you tr...? Did you try...?

73
00:03:52,316 --> 00:03:55,985
Yeah, I'll come over, Mother,
just give me 20 minutes.

74
00:03:57,446 --> 00:04:00,239
Well, I'm sorry, Lana, but I didn't
invent the childproof pill bottle.

75
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:01,949
As far as Archer's concerned...

76
00:04:02,117 --> 00:04:04,785
...I feel I dodged
the world's most dysfunctional bullet.

77
00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:07,204
Yeah, but Cyril was...
Oh, wait.

78
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:09,790
Did he have some
sort of character flaw?

79
00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:12,335
Hello. Hello. Hello.

80
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,504
Couple things.

81
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:17,048
Bring it!

82
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:21,844
Yeah, we are code blue here.
Hey, yeah, blue. Like for baby boys.

83
00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,971
- No, I meant like for her face.
- Choke me.

84
00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:28,267
No, like for let's have a baby shower
for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus.

85
00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:31,771
Oh, my God, yes, but your place is
disgusting so where can we have it?

86
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,690
- Well, Archer's got that banging pad.
- Yow!

87
00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:37,401
Oh, he'll hate that.
I wanna come.

88
00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:40,571
Ohh, I think I just did.

89
00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:42,865
And so thank you both for coming...

90
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:46,160
...even though Mr. Archer is the
only party named in the subpoena.

91
00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:49,872
Well, we both have a vested interest
in the outcome of this silly test.

92
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:53,668
And said test will, obviously,
be administered by a third party, so...

93
00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:57,213
A third party? But we have
a state-of-the-art laboratory at ISIS.

94
00:04:59,091 --> 00:05:03,469
Normally I wouldn't let an intern
do this on his first day, but...

95
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,179
Chet?

96
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:06,889
How's it hanging, buddy?

97
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:11,060
I'm sure you do. But our client has concerns
about the integrity of the test results...

98
00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:13,354
...given your agency's, uh...

99
00:05:13,522 --> 00:05:15,106
...clandestine nature.

100
00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:19,527
Oh, and by the way, super crazy
about the elevator pretending it's a dryer.

101
00:05:19,695 --> 00:05:20,736
Barry?

102
00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:24,615
But all kidding aside, ODIN will be
providing security for the paternity test.

103
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,242
ODIN?
Oh, yeah.

104
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:27,868
Hello, Archer.
Barry.

105
00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:31,205
How's it hanging, buddy?
Hanging great, Barry. How's the leg?

106
00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:32,415
Barry, does it hurt?

107
00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:36,919
Because it looks like
it kind of hurts.

108
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:39,046
It did hurt. And it still does, so...

109
00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:41,590
So how can Trinette afford ODIN?
Barry.

110
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:42,758
This is pro-bono.

111
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:45,219
Consider it payback
for my shattered femur.

112
00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:47,430
And that reminds me. Dr. Ben?

113
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,890
- What the...? Hey!
- What the hell is this?

114
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:52,476
We take a blood sample from Archer.
Blood?

115
00:05:52,644 --> 00:05:55,604
My God, what year is this?
I know, right?

116
00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:57,523
Why can't you just take a DNA swab?

117
00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:00,234
A blood sample is enough
to determine paternity.

118
00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:02,111
And after we take a liter...
A liter?

119
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:05,156
How much is a...?
Archer will be left in a weakened state...

120
00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:08,159
...which should prevent his attempting
to compromise the test.

121
00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:10,453
- Turtlenecks. I invented the turtleneck.
- Look.

122
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:13,456
You're bleeding him dry.
Seriously, how much is a liter?

123
00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:15,207
About eight gills.
What's a gill?

124
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,876
You're just talking in circles.

125
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,961
Thanks, Dr. Ben. Next.
What's a gill?

126
00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:23,632
Under ODIN guard, the sample
is taken to the vault of First Savings Bank.

127
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,801
I don't know why I told you
where. It doesn't matter.

128
00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:27,970
What's a gill?
The bank will be surrounded...

129
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,138
...by ODIN agents.

130
00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:31,390
- Merely an added precaution...
- Is that metric?

131
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:35,519
As the vault is basically
one big shit storm of anti-intrusion devices.

132
00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:40,441
Tomorrow, in full view of both parties,
we will test the sample here...

133
00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:43,152
...along with a blood sample
from the wee baby Seamus...

134
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:46,655
...thus ensuring complete accuracy
of the paternity test.

135
00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:48,908
Any questions?
Yeah, Barry.

136
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,327
I'm still unclear on the liter thing.

137
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:55,206
Vis-à-vis a unit of volume.

138
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:02,004
I seriously don't feel good at all.

139
00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:05,382
That's because those ODIN ghouls
drained a fifth of your blood.

140
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:08,219
Speaking of fifth...
A drink's the last thing you need.

141
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:10,096
Well, you might want one too...

142
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:12,723
...because pretty decent chance
the baby's mine.

143
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,058
What?
Ow!

144
00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:15,810
What happened to 100-to-1?

145
00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:19,146
I may have massaged
that number a little so...

146
00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:21,273
How could I show my face
around town if...?

147
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,359
Trudy Beekman will eat me alive for this.

148
00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:24,568
Decent chance.

149
00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:28,155
And I can just forget all about
getting on the board of the Met.

150
00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:30,324
The museum or the opera?
Either!

151
00:07:30,492 --> 00:07:35,871
Sterling Malory Archer, you are
going to break into that vault...

152
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:39,208
...and replace your blood
with someone else's.

153
00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:41,001
Someone else's blood. Yeah, great.

154
00:07:41,169 --> 00:07:43,712
I'll just have lgor bring a villager
up to my castle.

155
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,215
Uh, lgor.
Yes?

156
00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:48,342
Oh, evening, sir.
Hello, mum.

157
00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:51,887
Woodhouse, what the hell is this?
It's a baby shower.

158
00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:53,722
What's it look like,
you puke?

159
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:56,308
Ugh. I think
I could use a drink.

160
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,352
Sterling,
pick a villager.

161
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,230
Why did you let them in my house?
Well...

162
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:03,607
Because I told you to buy
lemon curd, Woodhouse.

163
00:08:03,775 --> 00:08:06,110
Now what am I gonna spread
on my toast?

164
00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:07,528
Your tears?

165
00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:10,573
They just sort of barged in, sir.

166
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:13,534
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And why are you barefoot?

167
00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:17,413
Oh, you guys are so sweet.
I made that.

168
00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:21,083
It was gonna be a ham cozy,
but then I was like, eh.

169
00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:23,586
So...
Well, he can use it as a blankie.

170
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:26,422
Ew. What is this,
homemade salad dressing?

171
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:28,048
Breast milk.
Ew!

172
00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:30,092
I actually, uh,
have my own.

173
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:32,219
So you won't need this.

174
00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:37,266
Here, it's some plastic dry cleaner bags.
Oh, and a book about SIDS.

175
00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:39,602
What kind of
shit gift is that?

176
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:40,853
Yeah, right?

177
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,230
- I made mine.
- Me too!

178
00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:44,440
That's disgusting.

179
00:08:44,608 --> 00:08:46,525
If I wanted to look at your bare feet...

180
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:49,028
- ...I'd sneak in while you're asleep.
- Me too!

181
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:50,905
Well? Have you
picked out a donor?

182
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:54,575
I don't know if it's the blood loss or what,
but this whole thing feels...

183
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:58,162
Pretty stupid, Archer. Getting
a hooker pregnant? Yikes.

184
00:08:58,330 --> 00:09:00,247
Cyril, you're...
Oh, sorry, Ms. Archer.

185
00:09:00,415 --> 00:09:02,875
I'm sure the board at the Met
will frown on this.

186
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:05,211
I'm sure I don't care for your tone.

187
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:11,300
Well, I don't care to be judged by
a couple of lousy hooker-baby havers.

188
00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:13,135
You were saying?
You get him drunk.

189
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:15,387
I'll go to the drugstore
and get supplies.

190
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,847
You said I could hold him.

191
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:19,350
You've been holding him
and you've been drinking...

192
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,435
...and your hands are
so damn big.

193
00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:23,646
I don't want you to crush him.
I'm gentle.

194
00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:26,106
Lana.
Give her the rabbit, Lennie.

195
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:27,441
- But...
- Okay, thank you.

196
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:31,946
- Whoa! Somebody's got a full diaper, huh?
- Me too!

197
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:34,949
And after that falafel,
I am right behind him.

198
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,200
Did you see me?
Yeah.

199
00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:39,536
Holding the baby?
Looked like Tyson holding that dove.

200
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:41,664
Hey, listen, bitch...
Dah! Careful.

201
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,332
Because in about three drinks...

202
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:46,627
...you're gonna get all boohooey
and ask me to pump a baby in you.

203
00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:49,338
You watch.
No, you guys should totally do that.

204
00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:51,799
The mochaccino ones are the cutest.

205
00:09:51,967 --> 00:09:54,176
Guess he'd be half-gay, too, though.

206
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:57,096
So can you say best dancer ever?

207
00:09:57,264 --> 00:10:00,182
No. Thank you,
but I don't care for any.

208
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:03,143
Cyril, it's a toast, don't be rude.
No.

209
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:08,148
Alcohol tends to exacerbate an
underlying personality disorder.

210
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:10,693
Sexual addiction's not a real thing,
asshole.

211
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:14,113
Well, just wait till the new DSM comes out.
Then we'll see.

212
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,240
We'll see you still being
an asshole.

213
00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:18,867
So have you ever thought about
having a baby?

214
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:23,122
I don't know, sometimes I think,
you know, I'd like to adopt a little baby.

215
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:25,958
So I could abandon it at a mall.

216
00:10:27,544 --> 00:10:29,378
That answers my
follow-up question.

217
00:10:29,546 --> 00:10:31,880
Cyril, you're insulting me. Toast.
I...

218
00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:33,924
And what's there to toast
about, anyway?

219
00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:38,345
Ha, ha. How about that upper decker
I just left in the master bath?

220
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:42,683
Come on, Ray.
Sploosh. Called it three drinks ago.

221
00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:45,519
Come on, we both have amazing genes.
What did I say?

222
00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:49,023
Nobody... I'm... We're not...
I'm not arguing that we're both hot, but...

223
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:52,568
Ray, you can do it. And I can watch.

224
00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:54,611
The door. Like a lookout.

225
00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:58,324
So nobody sees you doing the dirt.

226
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:01,076
Oh, and here's to child support.

227
00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:02,661
I'll see you around, Cyril.

228
00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:05,748
And I'll see you
at the lawyer's office, granny.

229
00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:08,334
Toast, damn you.
No.

230
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,336
Toast.
Jeezy petes, with you people.

231
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,171
Well, at least
I'm not a sex addict.

232
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:15,132
And cue the collective sigh of relief.
Oh, shut up.

233
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:19,261
Hey, I just ran all the way to
the drugstore a liter low on blood...

234
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:22,389
...so I am in no mood, Mother.
Oh, and I am?

235
00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:25,100
Cyril won't drink, so we'll
have to find another way to...

236
00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:27,978
Woodhouse, dear.
Yes, mum.

237
00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:30,230
I assume you're holding?
Holding?

238
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:34,443
Why, just this tray of...
Don't bullshit me, you old dope fiend.

239
00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,570
After that scrape
I got you out of?

240
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:39,782
Let's liven things up, Burroughs.

241
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:44,536
Five grams of junk says I can shoot
a piña colada off your wife's head.

242
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:49,083
A hundred thousand pesos in bribes,
and my stomach's never been the same.

243
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:50,626
I shall fetch my gear.

244
00:11:50,794 --> 00:11:52,795
What the hell was that?
Who knows?

245
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,881
I didn't have a sip of water
the entire time I was down there.

246
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,466
No.
Maybe it was an ice cube.

247
00:11:57,634 --> 00:11:59,301
Woodhouse. He's a heroin addict?

248
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:02,304
Oh, listen to you, Mr. Judgy.
What?

249
00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:06,600
Now, go lure Cyril into the bathroom
so we can drain his stupid blood.

250
00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:11,230
Cyril, you are not to blame, you are
merely a victim of sexual addiction.

251
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,649
Cyril, you are...
Preaching to the choir, buddy.

252
00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:16,819
And what's that supposed to mean?
It means I understand, Cyril.

253
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:19,571
Because I, too,
suffer from sexual addiction.

254
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:23,492
Oh, you're just a dirty stomp-around.
Yeah, that's what society calls it.

255
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:27,371
But you know how it is to be surrounded...
By women, yes.

256
00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:30,207
Uh-huh.
Prancing around in their stirrup pants.

257
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:33,752
And their crotchless panties.
I didn't even know they had those.

258
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,713
Pretty sexy, picture it.
I have to take care of something.

259
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:41,051
Medicine cabinet, Cyril. Top left.
Big bottle of coconut suntan oil.

260
00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:44,888
Man, I sh... I shouldn't be drinking
this low on blood.

261
00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:46,765
What are you...?

262
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,559
What are you doing to me?
Shut up.

263
00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:50,102
What's with all this glass?

264
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,855
I brained him with the absinthe bottle.
Why?

265
00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:56,442
What was I to do? Say, "Take a load off
while we pump you full of heroin?"

266
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,360
But if he was already knocked out...
I...

267
00:12:58,528 --> 00:13:02,364
Dear God,
that was my entire stash.

268
00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:06,368
Gonna be an itchy weekend.
It serves you right, Smacky Brown.

269
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:10,330
God, how are you even still alive?
Holy shit, how am I still alive?

270
00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:13,834
Eight gills is way more than I thought.
That's why you're so woozy.

271
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:17,004
Yeah, that, plus all those melon
balls. I had about nine of them.

272
00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:19,423
Why the hell were you drinking?
Uh, hello?

273
00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:21,925
It's a party.
It's a baby shower...

274
00:13:22,093 --> 00:13:25,846
...for the bastard child
you humped into a filthy whore.

275
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,723
So I'm obviously
not saying now...

276
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:29,558
...but one of these days...

277
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:33,645
...you're gonna make
the best grandma ever.

278
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:39,735
Oh, my God, these ODIN dicks.

279
00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:43,238
"Hey, where did you get your
turtleneck? The turtleneck store?"

280
00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:49,536
Wow, I'm definitely missing that blood.
Maybe if I drank some of Cyril's blood I'd...

281
00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:53,081
Wait, what am I saying?
I don't even know his blood type.

282
00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:58,879
But I do know a liter of melon balls
can't replace a liter of blood...

283
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:03,133
...because I'm kind of drunk for this.
Oh, shit! Nuts.

284
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,017
Fan...

285
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,393
Mulatto butts

286
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:14,561
Tastic.

287
00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,230
- What?
- What are you doing?

288
00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:18,774
Oh, you know,
just living the dream, Lana.

289
00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:20,400
- Oh, yeah? Yeah?
- Yeah. Yeah.

290
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:23,111
I'm going through your stuff.
Why are you in my house?

291
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:26,240
There's still a few stragglers
trying to keep the party going.

292
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:30,619
Cyril. Hey, you awake?

293
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:34,122
Because this is about
to get weird.

294
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:36,458
Ants. All over my body.

295
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:41,797
So shut up and help me find the nutmeg,
and I'll make you some Malcolm X tea.

296
00:14:41,965 --> 00:14:43,966
And you know what's fricking lame?

297
00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:46,343
Phased plasma laser countermeasures?

298
00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:50,222
No, what's lame is that you told me
a jillion times you never wanted kids.

299
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:51,431
Uh...

300
00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:55,060
And I move on with my life,
and then, bam, you drill one into a hooker.

301
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,980
It wasn't exactly planned, Lana.
Okay, shut up, but...

302
00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:00,524
Did you ever think about you and me
having a baby?

303
00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:04,319
I mean... Well, maybe that one time,
when we had that little scare.

304
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:06,863
Wha...?
Is that a fricking candy bar?

305
00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:09,533
Yeah, but think
you need the calories?

306
00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:11,827
You're such a prick. I mean, who the...

307
00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:13,829
Who dragged out
all this old crap?

308
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:17,624
Why are you and Mother in my room,
going through my things?

309
00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:19,293
Because I'll save you some time.

310
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:25,048
My diary is by the Barbie playhouse
and the key's in a locket on Mr. Teddy.

311
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:27,926
My God, I haven't seen
this junk in...

312
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:30,679
Look at that, his little baby shoes.

313
00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:33,056
Cannot picture him as a baby.
You know?

314
00:15:33,224 --> 00:15:35,475
I just see an adult him, but tiny.

315
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:39,146
Like a little Archer G.I. Joe.
Mm-hm.

316
00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:42,190
Want me to freshen that up?
Try not to drown it.

317
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:46,194
Aw. His little christening gown.

318
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:49,031
Pam, get off Cyril.

319
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:52,367
I was trying to get him off, buttinsky.
Out.

320
00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:55,037
Just get straight on out.
Oh, come on.

321
00:15:55,204 --> 00:15:58,665
Cyril came on to me.
Oh, shut up, he's totally passed out.

322
00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:01,960
Really. Hey, Cyril.

323
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,713
How's it hanging, buddy?

324
00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:07,507
His first pair of lacrosse cleats.

325
00:16:07,675 --> 00:16:09,676
His first smoking jacket.

326
00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:13,513
And oh, my... His first black turtleneck.

327
00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:18,226
Can't believe Lana and Mother.
No respect for people's privacy, no...

328
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:19,895
Black-ass mama

329
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,897
White-ass daddy

330
00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:23,190
Shit's tight, huh?

331
00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:24,399
Yo, where you at, mama?

332
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:28,236
- And why are you calling me right now?
- I had to, before it's too late.

333
00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:30,572
What?
I don't want you to do it, Sterling.

334
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:32,949
What?
I know you didn't plan on this baby...

335
00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:36,161
...but, Sterling, sometimes
the unexpected things can turn out...

336
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:40,874
...to be the most important things
in the whole world.

337
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:42,417
Wow, you sound shitfaced.

338
00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:44,753
Oh, listen to you, Mr. Melon Balls.

339
00:16:44,921 --> 00:16:46,797
And yes, maybe I've had a few.
Really?

340
00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:50,384
Enough to admit that even though
I wasn't always Mother of the Year...

341
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:53,470
Ha!
...I can change. And you can change.

342
00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:57,933
And maybe together we could add up
to one good parent for this baby.

343
00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,769
But I'm, like, right here.
And I'm right here.

344
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:03,772
For both of you.
Mother, I'm not sure I'm ready.

345
00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:06,608
Sterling, no one's ever sure
they're ready for a child.

346
00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:11,738
That's why it's so scary,
and that's why it's so special.

347
00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:15,325
So please, dear, do the right thing.

348
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:18,954
God, the one time in my life
she acts like a human being, and it's now.

349
00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:20,997
Was it when I wanted a puppy? No.

350
00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:23,583
Was it when I wanted cornrows? No.

351
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:24,793
But maybe she's right.

352
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:28,046
I mean, the kid's cool,
and I'm obviously awesome.

353
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:30,716
So maybe I would be a good father.

354
00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:35,137
You know, at some point in the future.

355
00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:40,267
You're okay, Taterhead.

356
00:17:40,435 --> 00:17:43,061
They only took a bit of blood.
Quit being such a baby.

357
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:45,814
Sterling!
You quit being such a baby, you prick.

358
00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:47,941
Shut up. They took a liter from me.

359
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:51,111
And as the 24 hours of
uninterrupted vault footage shows...

360
00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:53,655
Prick.
...said liter was never...

361
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:56,116
...except for those nine frames
of static there...

362
00:17:56,284 --> 00:17:59,828
...out of sight of ODIN personnel.
We get it. Let's move on, Barry.

363
00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:02,122
And since you all witnessed
the blood sample...

364
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,332
...being taken
from the wee baby Seamus...

365
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,168
I hereby cede any and all rights...

366
00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:08,837
...to ever contest
the results of this paternity test.

367
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:10,464
So move on, Barry.

368
00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:14,092
And so said test results conclude...

369
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:17,137
Exciting, isn't it?
Not really, because it's gonna say...

370
00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:19,598
...that Archer is in fact the father.
What?

371
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,850
Wait a minute.
No, no. No, that's...

372
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:25,353
Probably the most expensive
candy bar you ever ate, you dunce.

373
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,606
No, no, no.
Really super expensive.

374
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:30,066
That's a schedule
for child support payments.

375
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,027
First of the month
works best for us.

376
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:33,945
Somebody could've broken
in the vault.

377
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,031
Come on, nine frames is...
A glitch.

378
00:18:36,199 --> 00:18:38,658
Because even if somebody
did break into the vault...

379
00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:41,661
...no one, no one, Archer,
could ever prove it.

380
00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:43,121
And who would even want to?

381
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,332
Not a handsome blond cripple
like me.

382
00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:47,000
Wait a minute!
So kudos, buddy.

383
00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:49,669
Let's go drink some kudos.
Yeah, let's do that.

384
00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:51,922
But...
Clink, clink. Heh, heh, heh.

385
00:18:52,507 --> 00:18:55,717
I don't understand how this happened.
Well, from what I can tell...

386
00:18:55,885 --> 00:19:00,555
...it had something to do with
disgustingly kinky sex and a candy bar.

387
00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:04,017
A candy bar!
Mother, I'm not the father, it was...

388
00:19:04,185 --> 00:19:06,895
Cyril, that thing is huge.

389
00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:09,397
I mean,
how'd you even get this thing...?

390
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:12,359
You son of a snack-eating-ass bitch.

391
00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:16,071
I'm sorry.
How can you cheat on Lana bareback?

392
00:19:16,239 --> 00:19:19,741
I'm a sex addict.
What the...? That's not even a real thing.

393
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:22,994
And the guilt from sex makes
me binge, then I feel fat...

394
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:28,250
...then I turn to sex to feel attractive again,
then it's just this vicious cycle.

395
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:29,501
Shit-ass.

396
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:32,212
Don't you see?
The wee baby Seamus is Cyril's.

397
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:35,131
And Barry just wanted to frame me.
You don't fool me.

398
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:37,926
You had the chance to make the switch,
but you couldn't.

399
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:39,261
No, yes, I could...

400
00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:42,806
And I never thought I'd say this,
but, Sterling, you did the right thing.

401
00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:44,599
No, I didn't. I... I...

402
00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:48,228
The thing I thought was right,
but not what people think is right.

403
00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:49,938
Maybe you're turning into people.

404
00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:53,316
But I don't wanna be people.
And I didn't wanna be a grandmother.

405
00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:56,236
But c'est la vie, dear.
Yeah, and c'est la child support.

406
00:19:56,404 --> 00:19:58,405
Well, just tighten your belt.
My belt?

407
00:19:58,573 --> 00:20:00,574
You said you were here for us.
I am, dear.

408
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:02,701
But with the economy how it is...
What?

409
00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:04,119
- My money isn't.

410
00:20:04,287 --> 00:20:05,704
Mother, you're in a limousine.

411
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:08,957
And if I wanted to sit around all day
going nowhere, I'd be a teacher.

412
00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:11,626
Sorry, dear, I have a fitting.

413
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:16,923
Fitting. And that's why people
in this family shouldn't have children.

414
00:20:17,091 --> 00:20:20,635
- That and a genetic predisposition toward...
- Ants!

415
00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:23,597
Wretched horrible ants!

416
00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:26,474
Ants are gonna be the least
of your worries, smackhound.

417
00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,310
Running around barefoot like that.

418
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:31,104
"Hello, hookworms. Get in my feet."

419
00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:32,314
Or whatever.

420
00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:36,985
Some kind of worms will go in your feet.

421
00:20:37,305 --> 00:20:43,684
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