GILLETTE: Not once, not ever, has he volunteered for a dangerous mission.
And now, all of a sudden, he's like, "Let me go"?
On a night jump in the freezing-ass cold to kill a Finnish double agent? Please.
So l'm like, "Yeah, let Archer go."
But she's like:
[MIMlCS MALORY] "Ray, it's your mission, and that's final."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] But why?
Because, just between us gals and the C-1 30...
...l think she used to screw, ick, Nikolai Jakov, the head of the KGB.
I know, right?
I think Archer wanted this mission so he could cross into Russia...
...because he thinks Jakov might be his father.
Y'all know me, l'm no gossip, but that is some scandalous-ass shit right there.
What? Dukes. Unh!
ARCHER: Ray?
Hey, if it's any consolation, you were right. Oh.
And, uh, by the way, try not to be unconscious too long.
It's super bad for you.
Hey, thanks, guys. Just tell my mother I pulled a gun on you, all right?
This is to share. Look at me. To share.
You nut.
Okay, l got my fake documents, plenty of cash, so the crossing should be a breeze.
Drive to Saint Pete, grab a latte, then 400 miles to Moscow...
...putting me there right about the time Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB...
...comes home for his borscht, only to find an unexpected dinner guest.
Who may be his son. And for dessert, we will have the truth.
You hear that, Mother?
After a lifetime of your secrets and lies, we will finally have the truth!
Oh, and also, hopefully, shitloads of vodka. Woo-hoo!
Parachute!
PlLOT [OVER RADlO]: Chief, why's the door still--?
Wait, don't tell me he just now jumped. Yep.
Like, just, just now? Yep.
You know he missed the drop zone by like eight miles?
Yep. Jesus. He give you the money?
Nope.
[PILOT SIGHS]
What an asshole. Yep.
Huh.
Okay. Ahem.
Uh, hey.
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
I was, uh, asking if this was the, uh, Finnish skydiving club.
Which, judging by your response, I, uh, assume it's not, so, uh....
Hey, so, guys, listen--
[YELPS THEN GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
What an asshole.
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MALORY: He did what?
Well, for starters, this.
MALORY: Good God. Yeah.
That's a broken zygomatic bone. Plus, l was unconscious for an hour.
Ooh, really? Which is super bad for you.
Super bad. Have you seen a neurologist?
Have a CAT scan tomorrow. Unless it's in Russia, you better cancel it.
Well, it's obviously not, and what?
The mission you failed was on the border.
And l think Sterling might be trying to cross into Russia.
Why would he--? Oh, is this about Nikolai Jakov, the head of the KGB?
I-- Who?
GILLETTE: "Who?" Nice. Right?
The man you've been having a 40-year affair with?
What are you talking about?
[SINGS] Sex, baby, let's talk--
Zip it, LaMotta. And even if I did know what you're talking about...
...how do you know what you're talking ab--?
Pam! PAM: l'm not eavesdropping.
Get your bloated carcass in here.
What's up? You disgusting little sneak.
Have you been going through my desk?
Okay, A, nobody cares about your big knobbly vibrating eggplant.
MALORY: Huh? B, sometimes I work late...
...and C, there's this new thing the kids are doing called shutting the damn door.
[RAPPING] Forty ounce in my lap And it's freezing my junk
MALORY: Shut up. Shut up.
Then l put whipped cream all over everything.
Oh. And then you know where this goes.
Oh, shit, really? Yo, ew!
Talking about the whipped-cream incident?
Does everyone know about it? Not everyone.
Just us, Krieger. Really just, you know, the core group.
Pam, l should have you flensed.
And what in God's name do you people want?
More rubber cement. And SIGlNT said to give this to you.
Uh, radio chatter about an American agent the KGB caught parachuting into Russia?
Oh, guess who that is. Really?
Yeah. Hey, where's Archer?
Probably hanging by his Achilles tendons in some KGB hellhole.
"Caught at border, taken to Vyborg"?
Ray, get your purse and take some Midol. You're going back for him.
Mm, according to these notes from my doctor, a radiologist...
...and my new neurologist, I am doing no such thing.
You little-- Okay, then.
Lana. Yes?
Start at the KGB field office in Vyborg.
If he's not being held there, go to St. Petersburg...
...and if he's not there, you go straight to Moscow.
Undercover? Wha--? Of course undercover.
As what? Russia's only black woman?
Damn it.
I can't have this getting blabbed all over the agency, but....
Oh, God, someone has to go rescue my son...
...before he talks to Nikolai Jakov.
Well, that someone needs to be fluent in Russian...
...and a couple of contacts in the KGB wouldn't hurt.
Mm, could, um, this person be from outside the agency?
BARRY: No, no, no.
Oh, l know you two have had your differences in the past.
Uh, differences? Uh, ha, ha.
You remember that he shattered my femur, right?
Which is why l'm in New York, by the way. I need all new pins put in it.
And l'm sure that must be-- Oh, and he sodomized my fiancée.
You're still together?
Oh, l'm sorry, ex-fiancée. That's what l meant to say.
Well, then it wasn't meant to be. Ha-ha-ha.
I-- l don't even know how to respond.
What is meant to be is your going to Russia to bring back my son...
...before he does any damage. Or more damage.
One million dollars. Well, you can divide that by four.
Come on. This is your son's life. And my money.
Fifty now, 200 when you bring him back.
Alive.
Uh....
I'll do it on one condition.
Nope.
Lana, please. I'm not having sex with Barry.
You did once. By accident. Mostly.
And you were about to when you thought it would get you my job.
That was for work. And this is just for....
Uh, Archer. His life may very well depend on it.
Oh. But he's such a douche bag. I know, dear. But he's also my son.
Not Archer.
Well, also very much Archer. But l'm talking about Barry.
Who is, in fact, sitting right here.
So you wanna do it on the desk or...?
Hallway? Where you wanna knock this out?
Ugh, wherever. After you bring back Archer.
No, no. Before.
We're doing it before. After. Non-negotiable, Barry.
Then can I bring you back anything from Moscow?
Maybe some nesting dolls of my penis. Ick.
Sterling's already in Moscow?
According to ODlN's guy in the KGB, which, as a real agency, we have.
We've got guys in the KGB too, smarty.
Yeah, so I hear.
Damn that-- Pam! PAM: l'm still not eavesdropping.
Well, don't just stand here.
Sterling's probably being tortured as we speak.
Don't worry, he's a high-value asset.
I'm sure they're treating him just fine.
ARCHER: Ahem. So, uh, yeah.
Kind of wishing l'd taken my training more seriously now.
Which is, uh, pretty rare for me. Hi.
[ELECTRlClTY CRACKLlNG]
[ARCHER SCREAMING]
I swear, l'm just a Finnish skydiving enthusiast who--
Shit, why am I speaking English? With an American accent.
[IN RUSSlAN ACCENT] Maybe because you're Sterling Archer.
Who? No, no.
You know what l bet happened is all the shocks damaged my frontal lobe.
The brain's language center?
[LAUGHS]
I think not.
Okay, we wait some test on you. So now l take coffee break.
Uh, none for me. Have a nice break.
Ten minutes. l drop kids off at pool.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSlAN]
Psst. Hey, comrade.
Hey, stupid. Barry?
Oh, my God, Barry, l-- Holy shit. Barry?
You're in the KGB? I-- No.
No, dickbrain. Your mother's paying me to rescue you.
Oh. How much? Quarter mil.
Eh. Plus, smell that.
What am I smelling, Barry? Nothing yet.
But you wait.
Um, okay. Uh, until then, do you have some sort of escape plan or--?
I thought I'd shoot you in the face, smuggle you out in a coffin.
[LAUGHS]
Uh, how about something a little less sarcastic?
Uh, or less stupid?
Lesson one-- Don't "lesson one" me.
Always hide in plain sight. Unless you've got a better idea.
Uh, I might, maybe. I mean, it depends on him.
BARRY: Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB?
Yeah. He might be my father. Wh--? Ha, ha.
That's why you're in Russia?
Yes, and if you tell anyone, I'll murder you.
Now shut up while l go confront my putative father.
JAKOV: You backstabbing, two-timing harlot.
While he's in such a good mood.
I know you have been sleeping with that mudak, Len Trexler.
Oh, like you're Mr. Monogamous.
Wha-- For 40 years, kroshka, you are my only woman.
Well, l didn't know that.
[JAKOV SPEAKS lN RUSSlAN]
Do you know your son is here in the cells of the dreaded Lubyanka?
Yes, that's why l'm-- And that l am now awaiting results...
...of DNA test to establishing paternity? I thought they just wanted my hair...
...so their scientists could unlock the secret of its luxuriant fullness.
Touch it, Barry. Uh, no.
[WHlSPERS] Go ahead. It's not that thick back here.
If he is not my biologic son, I will put, personally, a bullet in his brain.
Nikolai, please, l--
So, what do you think are his odds?
Well, I guess maybe 1 -in-3.
Yeah, no, l do not like those odds.
So, what was your plan again? I think I remember thinking it was good.
MALORY: Wait, l-- Nikolai?
Oh, my God, he's going to kill him.
Wow, so this is pretty serious, huh? Well, Archer's being tortured...
...with 2-to-1 odds he ends up brutally murdered, so yes...
...l'd say it's pretty serious.
Oh.
What? Nothing.
Were you talking about we're out of rubber cement?
Yes.
What is wrong with you? Bitch, l got ants all over me.
Who cares about your glue withdrawal? Jeez, what if Mr. Archer gets killed?
Yeah, right. My luck's not that good. Aah. Ew.
Did I say "good"? I meant "fantastic."
Roll it down. We're hiding in plain sight.
Roll it down. For all of--
What did we get, Barry, like six blocks? Roll the goddamn window down.
Afternoon, comrades.
Papers? Uh....
[SOLDIERS GRUNTING]
What the shit, Barry? What? We don't have any peppers.
Or earplugs, you idiot.
You know how bad that is for eardrums? What?
I said, do you know--? I'm kidding. Drive the damn car.
Unh. Idiot.
[TlRES THUDDlNG]
[AIR HISSlNG]
I'm sorry. What was that?
ARCHER: I said, um, how's, uh, your ex-fiancée?
Oh! "How is she?" I don't know, you tell me.
Well, gee, Barry, what's French for "deliciously depraved"?
Ask your mom! What's that supposed to mean?
Was that not self-explanatory?
It means, best-case scenario, you have no idea who your father is.
Worst case, he's head of the KGB. Yeah?
Well, at least l have a father, Barry.
Does--? Are you implying my mother gave virgin birth, or what are you--?
No, Barry. I was implying that--
Actually, I don't know what I was implying. I just said it.
But l think we may have a problem.
Aw, you think? Yes, Barry, that's why I said it.
Kill them.
Barry, wait, slow down.
Why? So l can go past you.
Has anyone ever told you you are profoundly self-centered?
ARCHER: Yes.
No. Nikolai, please, do something.
Kroshka, he kill two military police.
So even if he was my biologic son--
lf? But were the DNA results--? Inconclusive.
Sample was contaminated.
Huh. Who do Archer think he is? Only guy who want father?
Under very suspicious circumstances.
[HUMMlNG]
Out! Get out!
[SPEAKS IN RUSSlAN]
I'm sorry, Malory.
Even if he is my son, it is too late.
I cannot help him.
ARCHER: Uh, you could help, you know. Yeah. So, now, uh, what are we doing?
Running for our lives, Barry.
I thought that was fairly obvious. Yeah, yeah, but up that high thing?
[TlRES SCREECH]
ARCHER: Unless you wanna stay here.
Wow, uh, a lot of fears kind of coinciding here.
Aah! Who taught you women how to shoot?
It's just l'm not super big on heights.
Here we go. Ever since you threw me off a balcony.
First of all, l didn't throw you off anything. I dropped you.
Oh, yeah. After l begged you not to.
After l begged you not to rip my suit. I was clinging for life.
Yeah, to the silk-lined sleeve of a bespoke Savile Row suit jacket.
You know what--? Oh, and a bespoke Turnbull & Asser shirt.
Which you also ruined. You ruined my life.
Oh, that is bullshit. Really?
How would you phrase the fact that you crippled me physically and emotionally?
Not that, crybaby. This. The door's locked...
...and, um, that way's not looking too good.
Wait, wait, wait, Barry. There.
We'll jump it. Uh, no, we won't.
You got a better idea? Hang on, hang on.
No. No, it's gone.
BOTH: Oh, shit!
[BOTH GRUNT]
ARCHER: Ow. BARRY: Now, see?
This is why I did not wanna do this. Oh.
[SOLDIERS MUTTERING]
So, Barry, looks like the whole find-out- who-my-father-is thing isn't happening...
...so now I wanna get out of here.
So l'm thinking that we probably should split up.
No, no, no, please. Archer, your boots are slipping, man.
There's 200 pounds of asshole hanging off them.
One eighty-three, fat boy. Whatever. Tell that to my silk socks.
Why are you wearing silk socks? Is that a joke?
Archer, let me climb up you.
Barry. Please, Archer.
Barry, buddy, this is happening. Archer, no.
Try to aim for that Dumpster.
[SCREAMlNG]
Bye, Barry.
[BARRY CRASHES]
Dead center. Good work, Barry.
Oh, for-- Why don't you just go to my house and take all my clothes?
[MAN SHOUTS lN RUSSIAN]
You shoot like old women.
Seriously, these people can't hit anything.
See? Huh, was that so hard?
ARCHER: Ow, ow, ow.
What is this, a broken-glass factory?
Uh, secret police.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSlAN]
ARCHER: Those cannot be your only shoes.
What am I saying? It's Russia.
I bet people come from miles around just to have their picture taken in those.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSlAN]
Piece of-- How are you a superpower?
Okay, so here's the deal. I'm commandeering these shoes.
But l'm giving you this coat, so, uh....
Hi. How you doing? Sterling Archer.
[BANGlNG ON DOOR]
Sorry l can't stay for dinner.
I assume that smell is cabbage and not just you two.
Halt. Make me.
Eh. Nice apartment. Thank you, comrade.
Shut up. You're under arrest.
[IN SlNGSONG VOlCE] Awkward.
Don't even think I want Jakov to be my father.
He's really got a temper.
[DOORKNOB RATTLING]
Oh, that is bullshit. Who would break in to this shithole?
SOLDlER: Come on. He's on the roof.
Which is apparently a soldier factory.
Sterling Archer.
The world's most dangerous spy.
So they say. Hmm.
You don't look so dangerous now.
Think it's because l'm in loafers? They're not mine.
What is loafers?
[GRUNTS THEN SCREAMS]
Hey, it's a versatile shoe. Works with a turtleneck, obviously, but--
And l'm seeing this more and more.
--l really like them with a casual suit.
Ahem. So, what do you guys think? Loafers and a suit, yea or nay?
No? Oh, you're more of a lace-up crowd, huh?
[YELPS THEN CRASHES]
[SCREAMS]
How? How is this happy playtime?
Ow! Ow!
Use your imaginations. Make a soccer ball out of a dead cat.
Ow! Ow!
What the hell?
Split up.
Did I just blow your mind? Huh!
[SCREAMS]
Oh! Ho-ho-ho! Uhn!
What, you hear machine guns and decide now's a good time to take out the--? Oh.
Oh, that's groceries.
I'm sorry, I thought it was garbage.
Uh, here, take this.
Get a welder to cut the top off that and, bing, new umbrella stand, huh?
Because hate to do it to you, but I'm commandeering your vodka.
We square? SOLDlER: Halt.
Are we square?
Ow! Ow!
Nice extinguisher. Thank you, comrade.
Shut up. You're under-- Arrest. Bam!
My collar.
[ARCHER GROANS]
Really rethinking that tetanus booster right about now.
[COUGHS]
Rethinking a lot of things.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Like taking the elevator.
Not very green.
Although, l do have 3 pounds of glass in my feet.
So this is how game ends for you.
That's it? No lovely parting gifts?
We will send flowers.
To your mother.
Mother.
Sterling!
[SOBBlNG]
There was nothing l could do.
My poor baby boy.
The doctors say that even if he did not already have pins in that leg--
Wait, what?
--they could not have saved it.
BARRY: Oh, for-- Jesus. Did you even try?
I am sorry, Mr. Archer. Goddamn it, l'm--
Archer!
That's what l said.
Nikolai, don't you see?
[LAUGHS]
Sterling doesn't have any pins in his legs.
I don't....
Then if that is not Sterling, where is he? Ha-ha-ha.
I am, if you'd hang on a damn minute. OFFlCER: Come on.
We don't have all night. Like you've got plans.
Goodbye, Mr. Archer. Hey.
**** you, you douche bags.
[GUNFlRE] [OFFlCER SCREAMS]
[THUMP]
Um, thanks. Uh....
Hello, Mrs...? [IN RUSSlAN ACCENT] Miss.
Excellent. Kazanova.
Katya Kazanova.
Hi. l'm, uh-- Sterling Archer.
Sterling Archer of-- Yeah. Of lSlS.
Do you not wonder how it is that l know your name?
Well, l assume I'm pretty famous here, so--
I am KGB. Oh. Oh.
Well, then why did you--? I want to help you escape, Sterling Archer.
But only if you will promise me one thing.
Okay. Take me with you.
Okay.
Super glad l didn't wet my pants.
[English - US - PSDH]
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