Agent Sterling Archer, codename Duchess.
Licensed to kill.
Primary skills: covert operations.
Unarmed combat.
Firearms.
Explosives.
Asset acquisition.
Enemy agent disposal.
Current status: missing.
MALORY: For three months!
Sterling's been missing for three months and you idiots have nothing!
GILLETTE: Well name-calling's not gonna get us -- [ BLEEP ]
Anywhere.
LANA: Which is where Archer could be.
Malory, we've checked every safe house, run down every lead...
CYRIL: And he hasn't touched any of his bank accounts, so unless he... oh.
LANA: Were you gonna say "unless he's been skimming
tons of cash from his operations accounts all these years"?
CYRIL: Yeah, duh, right?
MALORY: Wh-? He wouldn't dare steal from me!
GILLETTE: Oh please, we all -- think he would dare to do that.
LANA: So we've got a g highly-ih skilled covert agent,
who probably has millions of dollars in cash...
GILLETTE: Who doesn't want to be found.
MALORY: Being looked for by people who don't want to find him!
EVERYBODY: What does that mean?
MALORY: Oh, don't give me that!
You're all secretly delighted that he's gone!
LANA: I wouldn't say delighted, but... GILLETTE: I cannot say I miss
the bullying.
CYRIL: Me neither.
Plus ISIS actually turned a profit this quarter.
MALORY: Be that as it -- no, never mind!
Because since you've all been half-assedly phoning it in --
LANA: Malory, he can't!
Be found!
I mean, if he's even still...um... MALORY: Still what.
CHERYL/CAROL: Aliiive.
Jeezow, talk about duh.
I bet he totally already killed himself.
PAM: No he didn't!
What's wrong with you?!
CHERYL/CAROL: Nothing!
Because my skeevy Russian fiancée wasn't murdered in front
of my very eyeballs at my stupid wedding!
ARCHER: Noooooooooooooooooooo!
Kaaatyaaa!
Noooo ho ho wah ha haaa!
BARRY: Woooooh!
How's it feel, Archer?!
Now both our weddings are canceled!
ARCHER: Baarryyyyyyy!
BARRY: Is that how you crash a wedding?
Yes it is, Bionic Barry, yes it is... MALORY: No!
No matter how distraught Sterling is over Katya, he won't kill himself.
He'd never do that to me.
He's alive, somewhere, and since you fools can't find
him I called in someone who can.
Say hello to Rip Riley, manhunter.
RILEY: Manhunter?
- Now if that is the pot calling the kettle black... MALORY: Oh Rip,
you old so-and-so!
RILEY: How are you, Malory?
Besides gorgeous?
MALORY: Oh I'm not, I'm a mess!
I'm worried half to death about Sterling, and -- RILEY: Well, don't be.
I tracked him down.
MALORY: Already?!
LANA: Wh-? How?!
RILEY: Uh, this new thing called intelligence gathering?
Anyhoo, he's on a little island called Wapuni in French Polynesia --
GILLETTE: With his millions in caaaash... RILEY: Tending bar.
GILLETTE: Or nooooot.
RILEY: So I'll pick him up tonight, then say, three days back to New York,
so if you're not busy Friday night... MALORY: I'll book us our old
booth at 21.
RILEY: Outstanding.
Riley out.
PAM: What a hunk!
CHERYL/CAROL: Total sploosh.
LANA: Actually yeah, gotta give him the sploosh.
GILLETTE: And, whatever my equivalent of sploosh is,
which, I guess is just sploosh.
Only with semen.
Sync & corrected by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
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WOMAN: Oh my God, I can't believe I just did that...
You know, I'm not like that -- ARCHER: No, hey c'mon, don't do that...
Don't ruin your post-coital bliss with a bunch of misplaced guilt.
WOMAN: How is it misplaced, I'm on my honeymoo-hooon!
ARCHER: Well at least you got a honeymoon!
My fiancée was murdered!
WOMAN: Wait, what? ARCHER: Yeah!
Oh! And you married an idiot!
Who plays thirty-six holes of golf on the first day of his honeymoon?
Because not to, whatever, but that cannot bode well for your marriage.
WOMAN: Get the hell out, you piece of shit!
ARCHER: Seriously, I hope she didn't sign a pre-nup, because -- Oh my God!
Hey so, what happened was, somebody ordered room service,
but the regular room service guy, uh, he died, so I came in
here and fell on the bed -- Wait, you're not her husband.
And you're not one of my dick bosses, so can I help you, or...?
RILEY: Yes, you can quickly and quietly walk down to the dock
and board my seaplane.
ARCHER: Okay A, rhetorical, and B, your what?
RILEY: Seaplane?
Looks like an airplane had a baby with a boat?
ARCHER: I know what a seaplane is, idiot!
RILEY: And yet you're surprisingly unclear on the
phrase "quickly and quietly."
ARCHER: And even more unclear on who you are?
RILEY: Name's Rip Riley.
Your mother hired me to bring you back, Sterling.
ARCHER: She what?!
I mean who?!
I'm Randy! See?
So you can just go back to... that other guy's mother and tell
her that even if you did find that other guy,
he's never coming back to ISIS!
Wait, did you say ISIS, or...?
How did ISIS suddenly get in the mix, is what I'm asking.
RILEY: And I'm asking you, for the second and last time,
to get on that plane.
ARCHER: Ya wanna try and make me?
RILEY: No, I don't.
And I promise -- you don't want that either.
ARCHER: Hey, so listen... I think we got off on the wrong foot?
But I'm willing to, ya know, let bygones be gone by the wayside...
RILEY: Good to know... But I'm there yet.
ARCHER: Well, give it some time.
Speaking of, how long is this stupid flight?
RILEY: Eh, about forty hours in the air... ARCHER: Hooray...
RILEY: But I have to island-hop to re-fuel.
Old Lucy Goosey here only has a range of about a thousand nautical miles.
ARCHER: Making it wildly impractical, got it.
RILEY: This plane is totally practical!
ARCHER: Maybe for this ridiculous image you're trying
to cultivate for yourself... RILEY: What image?
ARCHER: Sky Captain of Yesteryeeear!
RILEY: At least I'm not sky captain of I ran away from home,
ARCHER: I didn't run away from home!
I'm a grown man!
Whose fiancée was murdered in front of his very eyes!
So excuse me for needing some time to grieve!
RILEY: By tending bar and banging newlyweds?
ARCHER: Apparently that's my grieving process!
And also I need to use the bathroom!
RILEY: A, it's called the head.
And B, no.
Pee in your pants.
ARCHER: Yeah, wrong number.
And I've literally had nothing but liquor and mangoes for three months,
so unless you wanna fly a thousand nautical miles sitting next to that...
RILEY: Okay, I'm setting the auto-pilot.
But this better not be a ruse.
ARCHER: A ruse?
Brrring! Brrring!
Hello?
Hi, it's the 1930's, can we have our words and clothes and shitty airplane
back?
RILEY: Let's go, kid.
ARCH: Call ya back, 1930's!
And hey, watch out for that Adolf Hitler!
He's a bad egg!
RILEY: No, one pedal fills it with water -- ARCHER: I did that!
RILEY: And the other pedal flushes it!
ARCHER: No, it doesn't!
Ugh, you come try, I gotta choke down this gag reflex.
Yeah, ha ha!
Quit being a dick for five seconds and unlock the door!
RILEY: It doesn't have a lock!
ARCHER: Dammit, I'm gonna puke and there's no room
in the toilet or the sink!
RILEY: What the hell'd you put in the sink?!
ARCHER: A ruse!
You big dumb idiot.
And also a bunch of shaving cream and toilet paper.
Just because.
LANA: And where does Malory get off implying we didn't try our
best to find Archer?
GILLETTE: No, she straight up said it.
What she implied was that we're jealous of Archer,
and that you hate yourself cause you're still attracted to him.
LANA: I -- that's -- what?!
PAM: Oh please, you're so hot for him I could
re-heat this chili in yer cooch.
LANA: Don't you have some... humans to resource?!
PAM: Actually, no.
Most of my job's dealing with sexual harrassment
complaints against Mr. Archer, so... are we gonna some cooch chili
or what?
RILEY: Wuzza... wuzz... What in the holy hell are you doing?
ARCHER: Well it was gonna be an Old Fashioned,
but I couldn't find any bitters, so -- RILEY: How long was I out?!
ARCHER: Hard to say.
After I shaved and stuff I took a pretty long nap, so --
RILEY: Uncuff me, you idiot!
Holy God, if we overshot our chance to refuel...!
ARCHER: I thought you put it on auto-pilot!
RILEY: It just maintains course and altitude!
It doesn't know how to find the only airstrip within a thousand
miles so it can land itself when it needs gas!
ARCHER: Well, then I misunderstood the concept.
RILEY: Uncuff me!
ARCHER: Okay, God!
Wait, first promise you won't take me back to ISIS!
RILEY: ISIS?!
You'll be lucky if I can get us back to land!
Now uncuff me!
ARCHER: Okay, God!
Wait a minute.
Is this a ruse?
ARCHER: Because if it is?
Pretty elaborate.
RILEY: Dammit!
There goes number two!
ARCHER: But it can land on water, right?!
I mean, isn't that the whole point?!
RILEY: It's a kinda different story when we're
dropping like a ton of bricks!
Damn, I can barely hold her level!
ARCHER: Want me to help steer, or...?
RILEY: Haven't you done enough already?!
ARCHER: Wh-?! How is this suddenly my fault?!
RILEY: Okay, this is it!
C'mon Lucy Goosey, you can do it!
Looking good, girl... I think we're gonna be okay!
ARCHER: Wait, you didn't put the wheels down!
RILEY: The wh -- Noooo!
ARCHER: Woooooo!
Two personal records!
For breath holding and number of sharks shot in the frickin face!
Did you see that?
Dude are you even alive?
MALORY: No, that side's too low!
CHERYL/CAROL: Well I can't tell from here!
MALORY: Well I can, and it's too low.
CYRIL: I think you mean premature... MALORY: What'd you say?!
CYRIL: Nothing!
LANA: It's just that Archer obviously doesn't want to come back,
so I don't know how Riley's gonna get him on a plane...
CHERYL/CAROL: Which, I bet will crash... CYRIL: Yeahhh!
MALORY: Now you listen!
Sterling is coming home safe and sound, and when he does it'll be no
thanks to you people, so you can forget about getting Carvel!
GILLETTE: Aww... Cookie Puss.
RILEY: Wuzza... wuzz... what the... what in the holy
hell are you doing now?!
ARCHER: Ugh, wondering why this is called a D-Ration.
Oughta call it a Y-ration.
As in "Hey, this tastes like catshit."
RILEY: They're not candy bars, jackass, they're survival rations!
And they might have to last us a while!
ARCHER: Umm... RILEY: You son of a -- okay, that is it!
As of right now, I'm -- what the...?!
ARCHER: Looking for this?
RILEY: Give me that weapon.
ARCHER: No. You're agitated.
RILEY: I'm "agitated" because you crashed my plane in the God
knows if it's even the middle of the Pacific Ocean!
ARCHER: Yeah, which you're floating on, and not getting shit out of
a shark in!
RILEY: Wait, what?
ARCHER: I saved you from a shark!
Let's see, after I pulled you out of that shitheap of a plane,
but before I gave you CPR and bandaged your head!
RILEY: Oh.
Well... thanks.
ARCHER: You're welcome.
Sorry I ate so much food.
RILEY: Yeah, that was a pretty dick move...
ARCHER: If it makes you feel any better I puked most of it up --
RILEY: It doesn't -- ARCHER: raft's pretty bobby.
RILEY: Well we've got a few gallons of fresh water,
a desalinator for when that runs out... let's see,
flare gun and some flares, fishing gear... oh!
And this guy.
ARCHER: What is that?
RILEY: Emergency beacon.
Beams a signal directly to the ISIS satellite... BILBO: Oh well that's
just great!
Now I get to deal with this, as my hot meatball sub congeals
into a big fat disappointing blob of shit.
SIGINT NERD: Nobody's gonna touch that?
RILEY: Yeah.
So I figure three days for ISIS to get a rescue team out here.
ARCHER: Nice!
So we just kick back, catch a few rays, catch some sushi...
RILEY: Well it's not gonna be a picnic, but --
ARCHER: Hey, can I check that thing out?
RILEY: Okay, but don't mess with the knobs, I've
got the frequency all set, so -- ARCHER: Hey thanks, Guglielmo Marconi.
Who I think invented the radio.
Over.
MALORY: But if the emergency beacon is going off --
oh my God, their plane crashed!
CHERYL/CAROL: (gasps) I said that would happen and it did!
What if I have psycho-kinetic powers?!
PAM: I dunno, just try to only use em for good.
CHERYL/CAROL: No.
MALORY: Well?!
Don't just sit there sweating like a gigantic cheese!
Do something!
BILBO: Ow, and I am.
Our satellite's locked on the beacon, which is, jeez,
the middle of nowhere.
MALORY: Lana, Ray!
Get there this instant!
LANA: Uh, sorta following up on his thing about the
middle of nowhere... how?
The black titanium corporate card?!
PAM: I thought it was just a myth!
Like a big, beautiful, no-limit unicorn!
MALORY: Charter a private jet to Honolulu, then I don't care if you have
to buy a plane, get out there and find him!
CYRIL: Wait, no, that's not in the budget!
MALORY: Say budget to me again, Cyril.
CYRIL: Save your receipts, please.
MALORY: And call me the very instant you have an update!
And you!
You lose my son, you'll have to drink your meatballs subs through a straw.
BILBO: Again, ow.
And again, the satellite is locked on the beacon, so unless he,
I dunno, throws it away... MALORY: Wh-? Why the hell would he do that?!
ARCHER: I told you!
I'm not going back there!
RILEY: Well, you say that... ARCHER: Riley no shit, I will shoot you.
RILEY: And then I'll shoot you.
With a flare.
And then I'll use a D-ration bar and two survival crackers to
make s'mores over the crackling fire that used to be your chest cavity.
ARCHER: God damn, dude.
RILEY: Sorry, but you're acting really crazy.
ARCHER: Well?!
Being a spy makes you crazy!
I mean what kind of job is that, where your fiancée gets murdered?!
Hello, stress!
Don't even get me started on my mother, I mean she -- RILEY: She can be
a steel-clad bitch, I know, why do you think I left ISIS?
ARCHER: Wh-? You were an ISIS agent?!
RILEY: Briefly, way back.
Didn't work out, because, ya know, your mother...
ARCHER: Was impossible to please, right?
RILEY: God, if you only knew... ARCHER: What?
RILEY: ... how much your mom loves you!
You would at least have the heart to go tell her you're
quitting in person.
ARCHER: Eesh.
Rather get shot with a flare... RILEY: Oh, man up!
Talk to your mother.
Then you can go be a bartender, and destroy a new marriage every week.
ARCHER: C'mon, that marriage was doomed.
RILEY: And so are we, if we don't work together out here, so... truce?
ARCHER: Uh, ya, and hey, we're not doomed!
Look!
Over here! Hey!
RILEY: No no no wait, get down!
ARCHER: Wh-?
Don't you wanna get rescued?
RILEY: Yeah, but those could be pirates!
ARCHER: Okay, well, they'll just have to do 'til we
find some cowboys and Indians.
RILEY: What?!
ARCHER: What what.
What're you talking about?
ARCHER: I'm sorry... I didn't know pirates were...still a real thing.
ARCHER: Man, this is not at all what I pictured...
I mean, you hear "pirate ship"
you think sails, cannonballs... oh, and not one of these guys has a beard.
RILEY: You done? ARCHER: Hang on.
Planks. Now I'm done.
RILEY: Because the fact that we're still alive tells me they
wanna try to r -- ARCHER: Don't say rape.
RILEY: Ransom us.
ARCHER: Awesome.
Compared to rape.
Which seems like a thing pirates would do.
RILEY: But those numbskulls who picked us up were so drunk --
ARCHER: Now that did seem piratey.
RILEY: -- they forgot to search me.
ARCHER: Well, unless you've got a bunch of Navy SEALs
stuffed in your pants... RILEY: No!
I've got the signal beacon!
ARCHER: So?
RILEY: So we just stall the pirates until the ISIS rescue
team shows up, boards the ship, and takes 'em all out!
Bing, Bang, Boom.
[ laughter ]
RILEY: Which is funny why?
ARCHER: Well, gee, where do I start?
GILLETTE: I will start with the caviar and the '38 Montrachet,
then do the Kobe tartare with this '42 Lapin,
and then this chocolate terrine looks insaaane.
And then I guess just send me to fat camp and pray to God
I don't eat all those fat, delicious little chiddrens.
Because I will gobble them up.
RILEY: Wow, ISIS has really gone downhill.
But there must be some good agents.
ARCHER: It kills me to say it, but it maybe Lana...
LANA: Ray, I doubt that's what Malory had in mind when she gave
us the card.
Ya know, we are on a rescue mission.
GILLETTE: Ugh.
Rescue me from myself... such a fatty.
ARCHER: But even so, I wouldn't put all my rescue eggs in that basket.
RILEY: Well?!
You got a better plan?!
ARCHER: I don't, I'm not really a planner.
My process is a little more... organic?
PIRATE: Datang!
Untuk kapten!
ARCHER: So let's just play it by ear, see where the afternoon takes us.
See?
This is why I like to keep it loose.
I mean the wine's crap, but -- Oh, sorry.
No offense, captain.
CAPTAIN: No, I am who am sorry.
This from million dollar yacht.
Now I don't feel bad for killing them.
ARCHER: Serves em right, those jerks... CAPTAIN: But you know wine!
You rich man!
ARCHER: Who me? No, I'm -- CAPTAIN: Rich man!
My men take this off you!
The Omicron Spacemaster!
ARCHER: Oh, it's actually the Sp -- acemaster, yeah.
Good ol' Spacemaster... CAPTAIN: To Sterleen... Love, Muddah.
You muddah rich lady!
ARCHER: Uh... oh!
Yeah, crazy-rich, she invented the splashless urinal cake.
CAPTAIN: The what?
ARCHER: They're -- doesn't matter, she's rich and she loves me
and I'm really rich and this is my manservant, uh... Jerkins.
RILEY: Funny stuff.
ARCHER: Not now, Jerkins.
So I bet she'd pay whatever ransom you ask for.
Splashless urinal cakes have been pretty good to us.
As you can imagine.
CAPTAIN: This good to hear... ARCHER: But we can't do any
of that "mail somebody a finger"
- shit, or -- - No, no, no we take you back to my island!
Call you muddah, get a big big money!
ARCHER: Awesome.
Compared to finger-mailing.
So tell me about this island of yours?
BILBO: It's a tiny little rock called Pangu...
Nothin else within a thousand miles, and the beacon's been
headin straight for it at about twenty knots.
MALORY: So a ship must have picked them up!
But I've never even heard of Pangu.
Is there a naval base there, or...?
BILBO: Mmmnot exactly.
It's more of a, uh... LANA: Pirate fortress.
No, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you said
the phrase "pirate fortress."
Which apparently, yes, you did, say the word pirate,
followed by the word -- CAPTAIN: Fortress!
That is the word, My english so crap... ARCHER: Eh, I bet you just need
more practice.
Try this: Jerkins, you're a douchebag!
RILEY: Funny stuff.
CAPTAIN: Jehkin, you dooshaback!
ARCHER: Keep at it.
Oh and hey, did we cross the international date line?
Because I can change the date for you on that Omicron Spacemaster.
CAPTAIN: Eh?
Yeah, okay dumb guy... ARCHER: Wouldn't want to be walking around like a
dickhead!
With the wrong date on your... Omicron Spymaster!
CAPTAIN: Wh-?!
Wuzza hell dumb guy?
ARCHER: It's the Omicron Spymaster!
Which is why it's got knockout gas and a garrote and I think
even a laser and Riley do I have to kill everybody myself?!
RILEY: Huh? Oh!
ARCHER: Seriously, what the hell, Riley?!
RILEY: I didn't know you were making a move!
ARCHER: Uh, dickhead?!
RILEY: Takes one to know one.
ARCHER: No! Dickhead was the go-word!
RILEY: How was I supposed to know?!
ARCHER: Oh. Yeah sorry, I forgot to tell you the go-word was --
CAPTAIN: Dooshaback!
ARCHER: But even still, Riley you gotta be quicker.
I mean, I know you're pretty old but -- RILEY: Well now that I know the
go-word, I -- ARCHER: No, idiot, it changes every time.
RILEY: Well what is it now?
ARCHER: Pirates!
RILEY: Kinda confusing, since we're on a -- Owww! Come on, that was right
next to my frickin ear!
ARCHER: Sorry, I know that hurts.
Happens to me kind of a lot.
I actually have like mild tinnitis now.
I mean, it's gotten to where I had to start sleeping with a fan on.
RILEY: Oh my God... ARCHER: Yeah, otherwise it's like eeeeeeeeeee.
RILEY: No, you just killed like, ten pirates.
ARCHER: Wow, and if the five-year old me knew that
he would get a huge boner.
No idea why I said that.
RILEY: Well once these idiots figure out they can turn those
twenty-millimeter cannons on the wheelhouse, we'll be -- kinda confused.
ARCHER: What are they doing?
RILEY: It looks like they're surrendering!
ARCHER: Why?
All they have to do is -- RILEY: Shut up, who cares why?
ARCHER: I do!
What if it's a ruse?
RILEY: It's not a ruse!
Say something, before they change their minds!
ARCHER: Do they speak English?
Uh... hello, pirates!
Who speaks English, let's see some hands!
ARCHER: Wow, way more than I thought.
NOAH: Uh, excuse me?
Sorry, hi, I'm Noah?
ARCHER: What're you, the first mate, or...?
NOAH: Oh! Oh God no, no, I'm a bajak budak?
It's sort of a -- well, I guess the nearest translation is slave-pirate?
ARCHER: Do you speak English?
NOAH: I do.
They don't, though, they're just surrendering the ship to you.
Dan benteng?
PIRATE: Ya.
NOAH: And the fort.
You're the new captain.
ARCHER: The what?!
NOAH: Well if you kill the old captain, you become the new captain.
I know you don't think of pirates as having a lot of
rules, but they actually do and that's a big one.
ARCHER: Well, tell them... hands down!
NOAH: Tangan ke bawah!
ARCHER: Holy shit!
Did you see that?!
RILEY: No, I'm too busy looking at that... ARCHER: What is...
what am I seeing?
NOAH: Oh, the women always us throw a huge feast when we return to port.
Should I tell them to cancel it, or...?
ARCHER: Huh?
No, we're totally feasting!
Say that!
NOAH: Mulai pesta!
RILEY: Nice plan.
Once they're good and drunk we'll turn this tub around and head home.
ARCHER: Home? Riley... I am home.
RILEY: Wh-? ! Over my dead body are you running away to be a pirate!
ARCHER: Of course I'm not gonna be a pirate...
I'm gonna be a pirate king.
Sync & corrected by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
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