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Agent Sterling Archer,
codename Duchess.
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00:00:06,358 --> 00:00:07,890
Licensed to kill.
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Primary skills: covert operations.
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Unarmed combat.
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Firearms.
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Explosives.
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Asset acquisition.
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Enemy agent disposal.
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Current status: missing.
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MALORY: For three months!
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Sterling's been missing for three
months and you idiots have nothing!
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GILLETTE: Well name-calling's
not gonna get us -- [ BLEEP ]
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Anywhere.
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LANA: Which is where
Archer could be.
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Malory, we've checked every safe
house, run down every lead...
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CYRIL: And he hasn't touched any of his
bank accounts, so unless he... oh.
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LANA: Were you gonna say
"unless he's been skimming
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tons of cash from his operations
accounts all these years"?
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CYRIL: Yeah, duh, right?
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MALORY: Wh-?
He wouldn't dare steal from me!
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GILLETTE: Oh please, we all --
think he would dare to do that.
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LANA: So we've got a g highly-ih
skilled covert agent,
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who probably has millions
of dollars in cash...
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GILLETTE: Who doesn't
want to be found.
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MALORY: Being looked for by people
who don't want to find him!
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EVERYBODY: What does that mean?
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MALORY: Oh, don't give me that!
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You're all secretly
delighted that he's gone!
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LANA: I wouldn't say delighted, but...
GILLETTE: I cannot say I miss
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the bullying.
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CYRIL: Me neither.
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Plus ISIS actually turned
a profit this quarter.
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MALORY: Be that as it -- no, never mind!
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Because since you've all been
half-assedly phoning it in --
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LANA: Malory, he can't!
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Be found!
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I mean, if he's even still...um...
MALORY: Still what.
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CHERYL/CAROL: Aliiive.
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Jeezow, talk about duh.
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I bet he totally already
killed himself.
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PAM: No he didn't!
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What's wrong with you?!
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CHERYL/CAROL: Nothing!
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Because my skeevy Russian fiancée
wasn't murdered in front
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of my very eyeballs
at my stupid wedding!
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ARCHER: Noooooooooooooooooooo!
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Kaaatyaaa!
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Noooo ho ho wah ha haaa!
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BARRY: Woooooh!
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How's it feel, Archer?!
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Now both our weddings
are canceled!
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ARCHER: Baarryyyyyyy!
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BARRY: Is that how
you crash a wedding?
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Yes it is, Bionic Barry, yes it is...
MALORY: No!
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No matter how distraught Sterling is
over Katya, he won't kill himself.
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He'd never do that to me.
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He's alive, somewhere, and
since you fools can't find
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him I called in someone who can.
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Say hello to Rip Riley, manhunter.
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RILEY: Manhunter?
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- Now if that is the pot calling
the kettle black... MALORY: Oh Rip,
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you old so-and-so!
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RILEY: How are you, Malory?
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Besides gorgeous?
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MALORY: Oh I'm not, I'm a mess!
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I'm worried half to death about Sterling, and --
RILEY: Well, don't be.
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I tracked him down.
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MALORY: Already?!
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LANA: Wh-? How?!
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RILEY: Uh, this new thing
called intelligence gathering?
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Anyhoo, he's on a little island
called Wapuni in French Polynesia --
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GILLETTE: With his millions in caaaash...
RILEY: Tending bar.
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GILLETTE: Or nooooot.
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RILEY: So I'll pick him up tonight,
then say, three days back to New York,
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so if you're not busy Friday night...
MALORY: I'll book us our old
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booth at 21.
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RILEY: Outstanding.
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Riley out.
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PAM: What a hunk!
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CHERYL/CAROL: Total sploosh.
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LANA: Actually yeah, gotta
give him the sploosh.
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GILLETTE: And, whatever my
equivalent of sploosh is,
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which, I guess is just sploosh.
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Only with semen.
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Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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WOMAN: Oh my God, I can't
believe I just did that...
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You know, I'm not like that --
ARCHER: No, hey c'mon, don't do that...
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Don't ruin your post-coital bliss
with a bunch of misplaced guilt.
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WOMAN: How is it misplaced,
I'm on my honeymoo-hooon!
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ARCHER: Well at least
you got a honeymoon!
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My fiancée was murdered!
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WOMAN: Wait, what?
ARCHER: Yeah!
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Oh! And you married an idiot!
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Who plays thirty-six holes of golf
on the first day of his honeymoon?
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Because not to, whatever, but that
cannot bode well for your marriage.
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WOMAN: Get the hell out,
you piece of shit!
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ARCHER: Seriously, I hope she didn't
sign a pre-nup, because -- Oh my God!
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Hey so, what happened was,
somebody ordered room service,
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but the regular room service
guy, uh, he died, so I came in
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here and fell on the bed --
Wait, you're not her husband.
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And you're not one of my dick
bosses, so can I help you, or...?
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RILEY: Yes, you can quickly and
quietly walk down to the dock
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and board my seaplane.
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ARCHER: Okay A, rhetorical,
and B, your what?
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RILEY: Seaplane?
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Looks like an airplane
had a baby with a boat?
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ARCHER: I know what a
seaplane is, idiot!
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RILEY: And yet you're
surprisingly unclear on the
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phrase "quickly and quietly."
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ARCHER: And even more
unclear on who you are?
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RILEY: Name's Rip Riley.
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Your mother hired me to
bring you back, Sterling.
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ARCHER: She what?!
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I mean who?!
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I'm Randy! See?
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So you can just go back to...
that other guy's mother and tell
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her that even if you did
find that other guy,
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he's never coming back to ISIS!
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Wait, did you say ISIS, or...?
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How did ISIS suddenly get in
the mix, is what I'm asking.
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RILEY: And I'm asking you, for
the second and last time,
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to get on that plane.
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ARCHER: Ya wanna try and make me?
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RILEY: No, I don't.
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And I promise -- you
don't want that either.
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ARCHER: Hey, so listen...
I think we got off on the wrong foot?
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But I'm willing to, ya know, let
bygones be gone by the wayside...
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RILEY: Good to know...
But I'm there yet.
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ARCHER: Well, give it some time.
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Speaking of, how long
is this stupid flight?
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RILEY: Eh, about forty hours in the air...
ARCHER: Hooray...
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RILEY: But I have to
island-hop to re-fuel.
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Old Lucy Goosey here only has a range
of about a thousand nautical miles.
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ARCHER: Making it wildly
impractical, got it.
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RILEY: This plane is
totally practical!
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ARCHER: Maybe for this
ridiculous image you're trying
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to cultivate for yourself...
RILEY: What image?
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ARCHER: Sky Captain
of Yesteryeeear!
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RILEY: At least I'm not sky
captain of I ran away from home,
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ARCHER: I didn't run
away from home!
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I'm a grown man!
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Whose fiancée was murdered
in front of his very eyes!
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So excuse me for needing
some time to grieve!
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RILEY: By tending bar
and banging newlyweds?
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ARCHER: Apparently that's
my grieving process!
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And also I need to
use the bathroom!
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RILEY: A, it's called the head.
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And B, no.
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Pee in your pants.
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ARCHER: Yeah, wrong number.
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And I've literally had nothing but
liquor and mangoes for three months,
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so unless you wanna fly a thousand
nautical miles sitting next to that...
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RILEY: Okay, I'm setting
the auto-pilot.
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But this better not be a ruse.
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ARCHER: A ruse?
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Brrring! Brrring!
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Hello?
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Hi, it's the 1930's, can we have our
words and clothes and shitty airplane
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back?
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RILEY: Let's go, kid.
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ARCH: Call ya back, 1930's!
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And hey, watch out for
that Adolf Hitler!
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He's a bad egg!
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RILEY: No, one pedal fills it with water --
ARCHER: I did that!
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RILEY: And the other
pedal flushes it!
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ARCHER: No, it doesn't!
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Ugh, you come try, I gotta
choke down this gag reflex.
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Yeah, ha ha!
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Quit being a dick for five
seconds and unlock the door!
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RILEY: It doesn't have a lock!
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ARCHER: Dammit, I'm gonna
puke and there's no room
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in the toilet or the sink!
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RILEY: What the hell'd
you put in the sink?!
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ARCHER: A ruse!
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You big dumb idiot.
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And also a bunch of shaving
cream and toilet paper.
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Just because.
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LANA: And where does Malory get
off implying we didn't try our
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best to find Archer?
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GILLETTE: No, she
straight up said it.
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What she implied was that
we're jealous of Archer,
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and that you hate yourself cause
you're still attracted to him.
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LANA: I -- that's -- what?!
185
00:07:10,987 --> 00:07:12,619
PAM: Oh please, you're
so hot for him I could
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re-heat this chili in yer cooch.
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LANA: Don't you have some...
humans to resource?!
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PAM: Actually, no.
189
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Most of my job's dealing
with sexual harrassment
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complaints against Mr. Archer, so...
are we gonna some cooch chili
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or what?
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RILEY: Wuzza... wuzz...
What in the holy hell are you doing?
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00:07:32,441 --> 00:07:33,974
ARCHER: Well it was gonna
be an Old Fashioned,
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00:07:34,042 --> 00:07:36,877
but I couldn't find any bitters, so --
RILEY: How long was I out?!
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00:07:36,946 --> 00:07:37,477
ARCHER: Hard to say.
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After I shaved and stuff I
took a pretty long nap, so --
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00:07:40,182 --> 00:07:41,314
RILEY: Uncuff me, you idiot!
198
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Holy God, if we overshot
our chance to refuel...!
199
00:07:44,452 --> 00:07:46,119
ARCHER: I thought you
put it on auto-pilot!
200
00:07:46,188 --> 00:07:48,387
RILEY: It just maintains
course and altitude!
201
00:07:48,456 --> 00:07:51,824
It doesn't know how to find the
only airstrip within a thousand
202
00:07:51,892 --> 00:07:55,460
miles so it can land
itself when it needs gas!
203
00:07:55,529 --> 00:07:58,396
ARCHER: Well, then I
misunderstood the concept.
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RILEY: Uncuff me!
205
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ARCHER: Okay, God!
206
00:08:00,300 --> 00:08:02,433
Wait, first promise you
won't take me back to ISIS!
207
00:08:02,501 --> 00:08:03,167
RILEY: ISIS?!
208
00:08:03,235 --> 00:08:06,036
You'll be lucky if I can
get us back to land!
209
00:08:06,105 --> 00:08:07,138
Now uncuff me!
210
00:08:07,206 --> 00:08:08,373
ARCHER: Okay, God!
211
00:08:08,442 --> 00:08:09,007
Wait a minute.
212
00:08:09,076 --> 00:08:12,777
Is this a ruse?
213
00:08:12,846 --> 00:08:14,195
ARCHER: Because if it is?
214
00:08:14,315 --> 00:08:16,415
Pretty elaborate.
215
00:08:19,454 --> 00:08:19,883
RILEY: Dammit!
216
00:08:20,003 --> 00:08:20,931
There goes number two!
217
00:08:20,995 --> 00:08:22,340
ARCHER: But it can land
on water, right?!
218
00:08:22,372 --> 00:08:23,696
I mean, isn't that
the whole point?!
219
00:08:23,786 --> 00:08:24,986
RILEY: It's a kinda
different story when we're
220
00:08:25,054 --> 00:08:27,688
dropping like a ton of bricks!
221
00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:29,424
Damn, I can barely hold her level!
222
00:08:29,492 --> 00:08:30,959
ARCHER: Want me to
help steer, or...?
223
00:08:31,027 --> 00:08:32,727
RILEY: Haven't you
done enough already?!
224
00:08:32,795 --> 00:08:35,996
ARCHER: Wh-?!
How is this suddenly my fault?!
225
00:08:36,065 --> 00:08:37,656
RILEY: Okay, this is it!
226
00:08:37,776 --> 00:08:39,999
C'mon Lucy Goosey, you can do it!
227
00:08:40,068 --> 00:08:43,236
Looking good, girl...
I think we're gonna be okay!
228
00:08:43,305 --> 00:08:44,837
ARCHER: Wait, you didn't
put the wheels down!
229
00:08:44,906 --> 00:08:47,706
RILEY: The wh -- Noooo!
230
00:09:47,402 --> 00:09:48,835
ARCHER: Woooooo!
231
00:09:48,904 --> 00:09:51,038
Two personal records!
232
00:09:51,107 --> 00:09:55,844
For breath holding and number of
sharks shot in the frickin face!
233
00:09:55,912 --> 00:09:58,647
Did you see that?
234
00:09:58,716 --> 00:09:59,815
Dude are you even alive?
235
00:09:59,884 --> 00:10:01,817
MALORY: No, that side's too low!
236
00:10:01,886 --> 00:10:03,586
CHERYL/CAROL: Well I
can't tell from here!
237
00:10:03,655 --> 00:10:05,521
MALORY: Well I can,
and it's too low.
238
00:10:05,590 --> 00:10:08,325
CYRIL: I think you mean premature...
MALORY: What'd you say?!
239
00:10:08,393 --> 00:10:09,025
CYRIL: Nothing!
240
00:10:09,094 --> 00:10:11,828
LANA: It's just that Archer obviously
doesn't want to come back,
241
00:10:11,897 --> 00:10:13,830
so I don't know how Riley's
gonna get him on a plane...
242
00:10:13,899 --> 00:10:16,265
CHERYL/CAROL: Which, I bet will crash...
CYRIL: Yeahhh!
243
00:10:16,334 --> 00:10:17,100
MALORY: Now you listen!
244
00:10:17,168 --> 00:10:20,469
Sterling is coming home safe and
sound, and when he does it'll be no
245
00:10:20,538 --> 00:10:24,373
thanks to you people, so you can
forget about getting Carvel!
246
00:10:24,442 --> 00:10:27,776
GILLETTE: Aww... Cookie Puss.
247
00:10:27,845 --> 00:10:30,812
RILEY: Wuzza... wuzz...
what the... what in the holy
248
00:10:30,881 --> 00:10:32,080
hell are you doing now?!
249
00:10:32,149 --> 00:10:34,516
ARCHER: Ugh, wondering why
this is called a D-Ration.
250
00:10:34,585 --> 00:10:35,851
Oughta call it a Y-ration.
251
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:37,854
As in "Hey, this
tastes like catshit."
252
00:10:37,923 --> 00:10:41,191
RILEY: They're not candy bars,
jackass, they're survival rations!
253
00:10:41,260 --> 00:10:43,393
And they might have
to last us a while!
254
00:10:43,462 --> 00:10:47,598
ARCHER: Umm...
RILEY: You son of a -- okay, that is it!
255
00:10:47,667 --> 00:10:49,601
As of right now, I'm -- what the...?!
256
00:10:49,670 --> 00:10:51,603
ARCHER: Looking for this?
257
00:10:51,671 --> 00:10:52,537
RILEY: Give me that weapon.
258
00:10:52,605 --> 00:10:53,471
ARCHER: No. You're agitated.
259
00:10:53,539 --> 00:10:56,473
RILEY: I'm "agitated" because
you crashed my plane in the God
260
00:10:56,542 --> 00:10:59,442
knows if it's even the
middle of the Pacific Ocean!
261
00:10:59,511 --> 00:11:01,844
ARCHER: Yeah, which you're floating
on, and not getting shit out of
262
00:11:01,913 --> 00:11:02,712
a shark in!
263
00:11:02,781 --> 00:11:03,212
RILEY: Wait, what?
264
00:11:03,281 --> 00:11:05,447
ARCHER: I saved you from a shark!
265
00:11:05,516 --> 00:11:09,017
Let's see, after I pulled you out
of that shitheap of a plane,
266
00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:11,886
but before I gave you CPR
and bandaged your head!
267
00:11:11,955 --> 00:11:12,887
RILEY: Oh.
268
00:11:12,956 --> 00:11:13,788
Well... thanks.
269
00:11:13,857 --> 00:11:14,923
ARCHER: You're welcome.
270
00:11:14,991 --> 00:11:15,990
Sorry I ate so much food.
271
00:11:16,059 --> 00:11:17,492
RILEY: Yeah, that was
a pretty dick move...
272
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,827
ARCHER: If it makes you feel any
better I puked most of it up --
273
00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:21,396
RILEY: It doesn't --
ARCHER: raft's pretty bobby.
274
00:11:21,464 --> 00:11:23,431
RILEY: Well we've got a few
gallons of fresh water,
275
00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:26,268
a desalinator for when that runs out...
let's see,
276
00:11:26,337 --> 00:11:28,970
flare gun and some flares,
fishing gear... oh!
277
00:11:29,039 --> 00:11:29,738
And this guy.
278
00:11:29,807 --> 00:11:30,338
ARCHER: What is that?
279
00:11:30,407 --> 00:11:31,406
RILEY: Emergency beacon.
280
00:11:31,475 --> 00:11:35,177
Beams a signal directly to the ISIS satellite...
BILBO: Oh well that's
281
00:11:35,246 --> 00:11:35,911
just great!
282
00:11:35,980 --> 00:11:39,081
Now I get to deal with this, as
my hot meatball sub congeals
283
00:11:39,149 --> 00:11:44,286
into a big fat disappointing
blob of shit.
284
00:11:44,354 --> 00:11:46,287
SIGINT NERD: Nobody's
gonna touch that?
285
00:11:46,356 --> 00:11:46,921
RILEY: Yeah.
286
00:11:46,990 --> 00:11:49,190
So I figure three days for ISIS
to get a rescue team out here.
287
00:11:49,259 --> 00:11:49,958
ARCHER: Nice!
288
00:11:50,026 --> 00:11:52,694
So we just kick back, catch a
few rays, catch some sushi...
289
00:11:52,763 --> 00:11:54,363
RILEY: Well it's not gonna
be a picnic, but --
290
00:11:54,432 --> 00:11:55,899
ARCHER: Hey, can I
check that thing out?
291
00:11:55,967 --> 00:11:57,367
RILEY: Okay, but don't
mess with the knobs, I've
292
00:11:57,435 --> 00:12:00,738
got the frequency all set, so --
ARCHER: Hey thanks, Guglielmo Marconi.
293
00:12:00,806 --> 00:12:03,941
Who I think invented the radio.
294
00:12:04,010 --> 00:12:04,475
Over.
295
00:12:04,544 --> 00:12:06,478
MALORY: But if the emergency
beacon is going off --
296
00:12:06,547 --> 00:12:09,548
oh my God, their plane crashed!
297
00:12:09,616 --> 00:12:13,052
CHERYL/CAROL: (gasps) I said
that would happen and it did!
298
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,320
What if I have
psycho-kinetic powers?!
299
00:12:15,389 --> 00:12:18,957
PAM: I dunno, just try
to only use em for good.
300
00:12:19,026 --> 00:12:19,959
CHERYL/CAROL: No.
301
00:12:20,027 --> 00:12:20,826
MALORY: Well?!
302
00:12:20,895 --> 00:12:23,462
Don't just sit there sweating
like a gigantic cheese!
303
00:12:23,531 --> 00:12:24,329
Do something!
304
00:12:24,398 --> 00:12:25,230
BILBO: Ow, and I am.
305
00:12:25,299 --> 00:12:28,501
Our satellite's locked on
the beacon, which is, jeez,
306
00:12:28,569 --> 00:12:29,335
the middle of nowhere.
307
00:12:29,403 --> 00:12:30,135
MALORY: Lana, Ray!
308
00:12:30,204 --> 00:12:31,704
Get there this instant!
309
00:12:31,772 --> 00:12:33,939
LANA: Uh, sorta following
up on his thing about the
310
00:12:34,008 --> 00:12:37,076
middle of nowhere... how?
311
00:12:37,145 --> 00:12:39,045
The black titanium
corporate card?!
312
00:12:39,114 --> 00:12:40,981
PAM: I thought it was just a myth!
313
00:12:41,050 --> 00:12:43,684
Like a big, beautiful,
no-limit unicorn!
314
00:12:43,753 --> 00:12:46,854
MALORY: Charter a private jet to
Honolulu, then I don't care if you have
315
00:12:46,923 --> 00:12:49,590
to buy a plane, get out
there and find him!
316
00:12:49,659 --> 00:12:51,592
CYRIL: Wait, no, that's
not in the budget!
317
00:12:51,661 --> 00:12:54,227
MALORY: Say budget
to me again, Cyril.
318
00:12:54,296 --> 00:12:55,929
CYRIL: Save your receipts, please.
319
00:12:55,997 --> 00:12:58,664
MALORY: And call me the very
instant you have an update!
320
00:12:58,733 --> 00:12:59,265
And you!
321
00:12:59,333 --> 00:13:03,502
You lose my son, you'll have to drink
your meatballs subs through a straw.
322
00:13:03,571 --> 00:13:04,369
BILBO: Again, ow.
323
00:13:04,438 --> 00:13:08,073
And again, the satellite is locked
on the beacon, so unless he,
324
00:13:08,141 --> 00:13:11,776
I dunno, throws it away... MALORY: Wh-?
Why the hell would he do that?!
325
00:13:11,845 --> 00:13:12,577
ARCHER: I told you!
326
00:13:12,646 --> 00:13:14,012
I'm not going back there!
327
00:13:14,081 --> 00:13:17,616
RILEY: Well, you say that...
ARCHER: Riley no shit, I will shoot you.
328
00:13:17,685 --> 00:13:18,884
RILEY: And then I'll shoot you.
329
00:13:18,952 --> 00:13:19,384
With a flare.
330
00:13:19,453 --> 00:13:21,954
And then I'll use a D-ration bar
and two survival crackers to
331
00:13:22,023 --> 00:13:27,027
make s'mores over the crackling fire
that used to be your chest cavity.
332
00:13:27,095 --> 00:13:28,028
ARCHER: God damn, dude.
333
00:13:28,096 --> 00:13:30,030
RILEY: Sorry, but you're
acting really crazy.
334
00:13:30,099 --> 00:13:30,497
ARCHER: Well?!
335
00:13:30,566 --> 00:13:31,399
Being a spy makes you crazy!
336
00:13:31,467 --> 00:13:34,902
I mean what kind of job is that,
where your fiancée gets murdered?!
337
00:13:34,970 --> 00:13:36,036
Hello, stress!
338
00:13:36,105 --> 00:13:38,805
Don't even get me started on my mother,
I mean she -- RILEY: She can be
339
00:13:38,874 --> 00:13:42,043
a steel-clad bitch, I know,
why do you think I left ISIS?
340
00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:43,378
ARCHER: Wh-?
You were an ISIS agent?!
341
00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:45,380
RILEY: Briefly, way back.
342
00:13:45,449 --> 00:13:47,282
Didn't work out, because,
ya know, your mother...
343
00:13:47,351 --> 00:13:48,817
ARCHER: Was impossible
to please, right?
344
00:13:48,886 --> 00:13:50,586
RILEY: God, if you only knew...
ARCHER: What?
345
00:13:50,654 --> 00:13:52,788
RILEY: ...
how much your mom loves you!
346
00:13:52,857 --> 00:13:55,257
You would at least have the
heart to go tell her you're
347
00:13:55,326 --> 00:13:56,124
quitting in person.
348
00:13:56,193 --> 00:13:56,658
ARCHER: Eesh.
349
00:13:56,727 --> 00:13:58,627
Rather get shot with a flare...
RILEY: Oh, man up!
350
00:13:58,696 --> 00:13:59,328
Talk to your mother.
351
00:13:59,397 --> 00:14:02,832
Then you can go be a bartender, and
destroy a new marriage every week.
352
00:14:02,901 --> 00:14:04,133
ARCHER: C'mon, that
marriage was doomed.
353
00:14:04,202 --> 00:14:09,072
RILEY: And so are we, if we don't
work together out here, so... truce?
354
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:12,842
ARCHER: Uh, ya, and hey,
we're not doomed!
355
00:14:12,911 --> 00:14:14,077
Look!
356
00:14:14,146 --> 00:14:15,278
Over here! Hey!
357
00:14:15,347 --> 00:14:17,547
RILEY: No no no wait, get down!
358
00:14:17,616 --> 00:14:18,081
ARCHER: Wh-?
359
00:14:18,150 --> 00:14:19,115
Don't you wanna get rescued?
360
00:14:19,184 --> 00:14:20,984
RILEY: Yeah, but those
could be pirates!
361
00:14:21,052 --> 00:14:23,086
ARCHER: Okay, well, they'll
just have to do 'til we
362
00:14:23,155 --> 00:14:25,021
find some cowboys and Indians.
363
00:14:25,090 --> 00:14:25,622
RILEY: What?!
364
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:26,256
ARCHER: What what.
365
00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:29,626
What're you talking about?
366
00:14:29,694 --> 00:14:35,732
ARCHER: I'm sorry... I didn't know pirates
were...still a real thing.
367
00:14:39,859 --> 00:14:41,794
ARCHER: Man, this is not
at all what I pictured...
368
00:14:41,862 --> 00:14:42,594
I mean, you hear "pirate ship"
369
00:14:42,663 --> 00:14:46,198
you think sails, cannonballs...
oh, and not one of these guys has a beard.
370
00:14:46,267 --> 00:14:48,222
RILEY: You done?
ARCHER: Hang on.
371
00:14:48,501 --> 00:14:49,527
Planks.
Now I'm done.
372
00:14:49,775 --> 00:14:52,004
RILEY: Because the fact that
we're still alive tells me they
373
00:14:52,073 --> 00:14:54,807
wanna try to r --
ARCHER: Don't say rape.
374
00:14:54,875 --> 00:14:55,841
RILEY: Ransom us.
375
00:14:55,910 --> 00:14:56,808
ARCHER: Awesome.
376
00:14:56,877 --> 00:14:57,676
Compared to rape.
377
00:14:57,745 --> 00:14:59,377
Which seems like a thing
pirates would do.
378
00:14:59,446 --> 00:15:01,713
RILEY: But those numbskulls who
picked us up were so drunk --
379
00:15:01,782 --> 00:15:03,248
ARCHER: Now that did seem piratey.
380
00:15:03,317 --> 00:15:04,449
RILEY: -- they forgot to search me.
381
00:15:04,518 --> 00:15:05,984
ARCHER: Well, unless you've
got a bunch of Navy SEALs
382
00:15:06,052 --> 00:15:07,385
stuffed in your pants...
RILEY: No!
383
00:15:07,454 --> 00:15:08,486
I've got the signal beacon!
384
00:15:08,554 --> 00:15:08,886
ARCHER: So?
385
00:15:08,955 --> 00:15:10,654
RILEY: So we just stall the
pirates until the ISIS rescue
386
00:15:10,723 --> 00:15:13,057
team shows up, boards the
ship, and takes 'em all out!
387
00:15:13,125 --> 00:15:15,358
Bing, Bang, Boom.
388
00:15:15,427 --> 00:15:17,260
[ laughter ]
389
00:15:17,328 --> 00:15:18,828
RILEY: Which is funny why?
390
00:15:18,897 --> 00:15:20,730
ARCHER: Well, gee,
where do I start?
391
00:15:20,799 --> 00:15:24,000
GILLETTE: I will start with the
caviar and the '38 Montrachet,
392
00:15:24,069 --> 00:15:27,603
then do the Kobe tartare
with this '42 Lapin,
393
00:15:27,672 --> 00:15:30,606
and then this chocolate
terrine looks insaaane.
394
00:15:30,675 --> 00:15:32,875
And then I guess just send me
to fat camp and pray to God
395
00:15:32,944 --> 00:15:36,212
I don't eat all those fat,
delicious little chiddrens.
396
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:37,847
Because I will gobble them up.
397
00:15:37,915 --> 00:15:40,516
RILEY: Wow, ISIS has
really gone downhill.
398
00:15:40,584 --> 00:15:41,950
But there must be
some good agents.
399
00:15:42,019 --> 00:15:44,852
ARCHER: It kills me to say
it, but it maybe Lana...
400
00:15:44,921 --> 00:15:47,288
LANA: Ray, I doubt that's what
Malory had in mind when she gave
401
00:15:47,357 --> 00:15:48,088
us the card.
402
00:15:48,157 --> 00:15:49,723
Ya know, we are on
a rescue mission.
403
00:15:49,792 --> 00:15:50,223
GILLETTE: Ugh.
404
00:15:50,292 --> 00:15:53,860
Rescue me from myself...
such a fatty.
405
00:15:53,929 --> 00:15:56,696
ARCHER: But even so, I wouldn't put
all my rescue eggs in that basket.
406
00:15:56,765 --> 00:15:57,130
RILEY: Well?!
407
00:15:57,199 --> 00:15:58,431
You got a better plan?!
408
00:15:58,500 --> 00:15:59,866
ARCHER: I don't, I'm
not really a planner.
409
00:15:59,935 --> 00:16:03,738
My process is a little more...
organic?
410
00:16:03,807 --> 00:16:04,506
PIRATE: Datang!
411
00:16:04,574 --> 00:16:05,640
Untuk kapten!
412
00:16:05,709 --> 00:16:09,077
ARCHER: So let's just play it by ear,
see where the afternoon takes us.
413
00:16:09,146 --> 00:16:09,578
See?
414
00:16:09,647 --> 00:16:11,881
This is why I like
to keep it loose.
415
00:16:11,950 --> 00:16:13,783
I mean the wine's crap,
but -- Oh, sorry.
416
00:16:13,852 --> 00:16:14,484
No offense, captain.
417
00:16:14,553 --> 00:16:16,787
CAPTAIN: No, I am who am sorry.
418
00:16:16,856 --> 00:16:18,922
This from million dollar yacht.
419
00:16:18,991 --> 00:16:21,825
Now I don't feel bad
for killing them.
420
00:16:21,894 --> 00:16:24,528
ARCHER: Serves em right, those jerks...
CAPTAIN: But you know wine!
421
00:16:24,597 --> 00:16:25,429
You rich man!
422
00:16:25,498 --> 00:16:27,898
ARCHER: Who me? No, I'm --
CAPTAIN: Rich man!
423
00:16:27,967 --> 00:16:29,866
My men take this off you!
424
00:16:29,935 --> 00:16:32,302
The Omicron Spacemaster!
425
00:16:32,371 --> 00:16:34,972
ARCHER: Oh, it's actually
the Sp -- acemaster, yeah.
426
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:39,177
Good ol' Spacemaster...
CAPTAIN: To Sterleen... Love, Muddah.
427
00:16:39,245 --> 00:16:40,912
You muddah rich lady!
428
00:16:40,981 --> 00:16:41,813
ARCHER: Uh... oh!
429
00:16:41,882 --> 00:16:45,651
Yeah, crazy-rich, she invented
the splashless urinal cake.
430
00:16:45,719 --> 00:16:46,218
CAPTAIN: The what?
431
00:16:46,287 --> 00:16:48,888
ARCHER: They're -- doesn't matter,
she's rich and she loves me
432
00:16:48,957 --> 00:16:53,526
and I'm really rich and this is
my manservant, uh... Jerkins.
433
00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:54,427
RILEY: Funny stuff.
434
00:16:54,496 --> 00:16:55,428
ARCHER: Not now, Jerkins.
435
00:16:55,497 --> 00:16:57,797
So I bet she'd pay whatever
ransom you ask for.
436
00:16:57,866 --> 00:17:00,400
Splashless urinal cakes have
been pretty good to us.
437
00:17:00,469 --> 00:17:01,034
As you can imagine.
438
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,869
CAPTAIN: This good to hear...
ARCHER: But we can't do any
439
00:17:03,938 --> 00:17:05,304
of that "mail somebody a finger"
440
00:17:05,373 --> 00:17:09,174
- shit, or --
- No, no, no we take you back to my island!
441
00:17:09,243 --> 00:17:12,610
Call you muddah, get
a big big money!
442
00:17:12,679 --> 00:17:13,144
ARCHER: Awesome.
443
00:17:13,213 --> 00:17:14,079
Compared to finger-mailing.
444
00:17:14,147 --> 00:17:17,149
So tell me about this
island of yours?
445
00:17:17,218 --> 00:17:19,018
BILBO: It's a tiny little
rock called Pangu...
446
00:17:19,087 --> 00:17:21,787
Nothin else within a thousand
miles, and the beacon's been
447
00:17:21,856 --> 00:17:24,123
headin straight for it
at about twenty knots.
448
00:17:24,192 --> 00:17:26,292
MALORY: So a ship must
have picked them up!
449
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:27,960
But I've never even
heard of Pangu.
450
00:17:28,029 --> 00:17:30,096
Is there a naval base there, or...?
451
00:17:30,165 --> 00:17:31,798
BILBO: Mmmnot exactly.
452
00:17:31,867 --> 00:17:34,734
It's more of a, uh...
LANA: Pirate fortress.
453
00:17:34,803 --> 00:17:36,303
No, yeah, I just wanted
to make sure you said
454
00:17:36,371 --> 00:17:38,071
the phrase "pirate fortress."
455
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:41,208
Which apparently, yes, you
did, say the word pirate,
456
00:17:41,277 --> 00:17:43,744
followed by the word --
CAPTAIN: Fortress!
457
00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:47,515
That is the word, My english so crap...
ARCHER: Eh, I bet you just need
458
00:17:47,584 --> 00:17:48,182
more practice.
459
00:17:48,251 --> 00:17:50,752
Try this: Jerkins,
you're a douchebag!
460
00:17:50,821 --> 00:17:51,386
RILEY: Funny stuff.
461
00:17:51,455 --> 00:17:53,188
CAPTAIN: Jehkin, you dooshaback!
462
00:17:53,257 --> 00:17:54,222
ARCHER: Keep at it.
463
00:17:54,291 --> 00:17:56,557
Oh and hey, did we cross the
international date line?
464
00:17:56,626 --> 00:18:00,695
Because I can change the date for
you on that Omicron Spacemaster.
465
00:18:00,763 --> 00:18:01,329
CAPTAIN: Eh?
466
00:18:01,397 --> 00:18:05,899
Yeah, okay dumb guy... ARCHER: Wouldn't
want to be walking around like a
467
00:18:05,968 --> 00:18:06,766
dickhead!
468
00:18:06,835 --> 00:18:11,003
With the wrong date on your...
Omicron Spymaster!
469
00:18:11,072 --> 00:18:11,671
CAPTAIN: Wh-?!
470
00:18:11,739 --> 00:18:12,738
Wuzza hell dumb guy?
471
00:18:12,807 --> 00:18:15,007
ARCHER: It's the
Omicron Spymaster!
472
00:18:15,076 --> 00:18:17,977
Which is why it's got knockout
gas and a garrote and I think
473
00:18:18,045 --> 00:18:21,180
even a laser and Riley do I have
to kill everybody myself?!
474
00:18:21,249 --> 00:18:25,250
RILEY: Huh? Oh!
475
00:18:25,319 --> 00:18:27,019
ARCHER: Seriously, what
the hell, Riley?!
476
00:18:27,087 --> 00:18:28,720
RILEY: I didn't know you
were making a move!
477
00:18:28,789 --> 00:18:29,788
ARCHER: Uh, dickhead?!
478
00:18:29,856 --> 00:18:31,022
RILEY: Takes one to know one.
479
00:18:31,091 --> 00:18:33,024
ARCHER: No!
Dickhead was the go-word!
480
00:18:33,093 --> 00:18:34,392
RILEY: How was I
supposed to know?!
481
00:18:34,461 --> 00:18:36,662
ARCHER: Oh. Yeah sorry, I forgot
to tell you the go-word was --
482
00:18:36,730 --> 00:18:41,967
CAPTAIN: Dooshaback!
483
00:18:42,036 --> 00:18:44,070
ARCHER: But even still,
Riley you gotta be quicker.
484
00:18:44,138 --> 00:18:46,639
I mean, I know you're pretty old but --
RILEY: Well now that I know the
485
00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:48,909
go-word, I --
ARCHER: No, idiot, it changes every time.
486
00:18:48,977 --> 00:18:49,877
RILEY: Well what is it now?
487
00:18:49,945 --> 00:18:50,444
ARCHER: Pirates!
488
00:18:50,513 --> 00:18:56,050
RILEY: Kinda confusing, since we're on a --
Owww! Come on, that was right
489
00:18:56,119 --> 00:18:57,085
next to my frickin ear!
490
00:18:57,153 --> 00:18:59,487
ARCHER: Sorry, I know that hurts.
491
00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:01,889
Happens to me kind of a lot.
492
00:19:01,958 --> 00:19:04,025
I actually have like
mild tinnitis now.
493
00:19:04,093 --> 00:19:09,330
I mean, it's gotten to where I had
to start sleeping with a fan on.
494
00:19:09,399 --> 00:19:12,767
RILEY: Oh my God... ARCHER: Yeah,
otherwise it's like eeeeeeeeeee.
495
00:19:12,835 --> 00:19:15,036
RILEY: No, you just
killed like, ten pirates.
496
00:19:15,105 --> 00:19:17,038
ARCHER: Wow, and if the
five-year old me knew that
497
00:19:17,106 --> 00:19:19,440
he would get a huge boner.
498
00:19:19,509 --> 00:19:20,575
No idea why I said that.
499
00:19:20,643 --> 00:19:22,777
RILEY: Well once these idiots
figure out they can turn those
500
00:19:22,846 --> 00:19:28,183
twenty-millimeter cannons on the
wheelhouse, we'll be -- kinda confused.
501
00:19:28,251 --> 00:19:29,084
ARCHER: What are they doing?
502
00:19:29,153 --> 00:19:30,852
RILEY: It looks like
they're surrendering!
503
00:19:30,921 --> 00:19:31,286
ARCHER: Why?
504
00:19:31,355 --> 00:19:33,154
All they have to do is --
RILEY: Shut up, who cares why?
505
00:19:33,223 --> 00:19:33,855
ARCHER: I do!
506
00:19:33,924 --> 00:19:34,656
What if it's a ruse?
507
00:19:34,725 --> 00:19:35,557
RILEY: It's not a ruse!
508
00:19:35,626 --> 00:19:37,259
Say something, before
they change their minds!
509
00:19:37,328 --> 00:19:39,094
ARCHER: Do they speak English?
510
00:19:39,163 --> 00:19:40,896
Uh... hello, pirates!
511
00:19:40,965 --> 00:19:44,066
Who speaks English,
let's see some hands!
512
00:19:44,135 --> 00:19:46,102
ARCHER: Wow, way
more than I thought.
513
00:19:46,171 --> 00:19:47,103
NOAH: Uh, excuse me?
514
00:19:47,172 --> 00:19:49,072
Sorry, hi, I'm Noah?
515
00:19:49,141 --> 00:19:50,607
ARCHER: What're you,
the first mate, or...?
516
00:19:50,676 --> 00:19:54,478
NOAH: Oh!
Oh God no, no, I'm a bajak budak?
517
00:19:54,547 --> 00:19:58,849
It's sort of a -- well, I guess the
nearest translation is slave-pirate?
518
00:19:58,918 --> 00:20:00,117
ARCHER: Do you speak English?
519
00:20:00,186 --> 00:20:01,018
NOAH: I do.
520
00:20:01,087 --> 00:20:03,687
They don't, though, they're just
surrendering the ship to you.
521
00:20:03,756 --> 00:20:04,688
Dan benteng?
522
00:20:04,757 --> 00:20:05,122
PIRATE: Ya.
523
00:20:05,191 --> 00:20:05,890
NOAH: And the fort.
524
00:20:05,958 --> 00:20:06,824
You're the new captain.
525
00:20:06,893 --> 00:20:07,425
ARCHER: The what?!
526
00:20:07,493 --> 00:20:10,294
NOAH: Well if you kill the old
captain, you become the new captain.
527
00:20:10,363 --> 00:20:12,996
I know you don't think of
pirates as having a lot of
528
00:20:13,065 --> 00:20:15,131
rules, but they actually
do and that's a big one.
529
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,333
ARCHER: Well, tell them...
hands down!
530
00:20:17,402 --> 00:20:19,536
NOAH: Tangan ke bawah!
531
00:20:19,604 --> 00:20:20,370
ARCHER: Holy shit!
532
00:20:20,438 --> 00:20:21,304
Did you see that?!
533
00:20:21,373 --> 00:20:24,106
RILEY: No, I'm too busy looking at that...
ARCHER: What is...
534
00:20:24,175 --> 00:20:25,040
what am I seeing?
535
00:20:25,109 --> 00:20:28,143
NOAH: Oh, the women always us throw a
huge feast when we return to port.
536
00:20:28,212 --> 00:20:30,112
Should I tell them
to cancel it, or...?
537
00:20:30,180 --> 00:20:31,146
ARCHER: Huh?
538
00:20:31,215 --> 00:20:34,415
No, we're totally feasting!
539
00:20:34,484 --> 00:20:35,016
Say that!
540
00:20:35,085 --> 00:20:37,319
NOAH: Mulai pesta!
541
00:20:37,387 --> 00:20:38,152
RILEY: Nice plan.
542
00:20:38,221 --> 00:20:41,556
Once they're good and drunk we'll
turn this tub around and head home.
543
00:20:41,625 --> 00:20:44,159
ARCHER: Home?
Riley... I am home.
544
00:20:44,227 --> 00:20:47,061
RILEY: Wh-? ! Over my dead body are you
running away to be a pirate!
545
00:20:47,130 --> 00:20:51,010
ARCHER: Of course I'm not
gonna be a pirate...
546
00:20:52,731 --> 00:20:54,840
I'm gonna be a pirate king.
547
00:20:55,166 --> 00:21:05,669
Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
548
00:21:06,305 --> 00:21:12,452
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