1
00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:07,258
Rat Patrol.
2
00:00:07,424 --> 00:00:09,426
God, that was killing me.
3
00:00:09,593 --> 00:00:11,220
So, yeah, these exact same jeeps...
4
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:13,354
...with .50-cal machine guns
on the back...
5
00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:18,395
...and the Rat Patrol just tore ass
all over North Africa, hassling Rommel.
6
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:21,188
How did you never see that show?
I was probably here...
7
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,858
...digging this goddamn jeep
out of this goddamn sand!
8
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:26,698
Hey, don't yell at me,
I'm not the idiot who got us stuck.
9
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,077
You were driving!
10
00:00:28,237 --> 00:00:31,116
So, yes, you are exactly the idiot
who got us stuck.
11
00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:33,784
Whatever,
the Rat Patrol drove through deeper sand...
12
00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:35,123
...than this.
You know--
13
00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:38,915
Although, I think one guy's back-story
was that he'd been, like, a bootlegger?
14
00:00:39,081 --> 00:00:41,129
But Kentucky's not all sand-duney, so...
15
00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,635
Can you at least get out of the jeep?
Yes.
16
00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:45,796
Well?
Uh, hang on.
17
00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:47,010
[BELCHES]
18
00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:50,802
But only because taking a dump
on Turkmenistan is on my bucket list.
19
00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:53,391
A true citizen of the world.
ARCHER: Right?
20
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:56,148
I mean, shut up. ls--?
21
00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:58,650
Damn. Okay, I guess this'll have to do.
22
00:00:58,809 --> 00:01:01,107
Nope!
You are not using the map for that.
23
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:02,897
Hey, I'm not the idiot who didn't--
24
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:06,658
I mean, I also didn't think to bring
toilet paper, but I'm not, you know...
25
00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:08,160
An idiot.
Exactly.
26
00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:11,413
Right, because an idiot
wouldn't wipe his ass with our only map.
27
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:14,917
No, an idiot would wipe his ass
with our only compass.
28
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,497
Wait, which is where?
29
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:19,163
Who am I, Lewis and/or Clark?
Archer.
30
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:22,503
The last time I saw it was on the bar
in the Athens airport, but--
31
00:01:22,666 --> 00:01:23,667
Goddamn it!
32
00:01:23,834 --> 00:01:25,051
Yeah, I doubt it's still there.
33
00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:26,257
[SIGHS]
34
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,263
A sticky-fingered people, the Greeks.
35
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,015
Well, you're not using the map!
36
00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:32,301
Okay! Jesus!
37
00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:34,936
Wait, What--? No, no, no!
38
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,517
It's this or the map, so...
39
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,650
We'll tell him his money's out
in the desert covered with shit.
40
00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:43,187
There's still 95 grand in the bag.
And if what's-his-name...
41
00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:44,855
Gorbagun Gorbanguly.
42
00:01:45,022 --> 00:01:46,649
Really?
Yes, really.
43
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:48,112
And you can have a hundred.
44
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:52,951
What? Cyril, since what, Monday,
I've had nothing but ouzo and lamb.
45
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,865
Come on, I need at least a thousand.
46
00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:57,455
Three hundred.
Oh, for-- Eight hundred.
47
00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,541
Five.
Seven.
48
00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:00,704
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
49
00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:03,841
Okay, seven, and you dig out the jeep.
50
00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:05,842
Okay, deal. But I take the map.
51
00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:08,845
No, we just went over--
To read. Now, come on, hurry up!
52
00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:12,591
The lambs are screaming.
53
00:02:12,758 --> 00:02:14,635
Hey, be careful, there might be snakes!
54
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:16,394
ARCHER:
Not even gonna swing at that one.
55
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:18,681
Ha, ha. I'm talking about cobras.
56
00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:20,315
ARCHER:
What do you know about cobras?
57
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:23,398
I know the Caspian cobra,
which is indigenous to Turkmenistan...
58
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:26,063
...is often light brown
with darker ventral bands.
59
00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:29,073
ARCHER:
Well, goody, you win cobra knowing.
60
00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:30,984
Dukes, it's gonna be dark soon.
61
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,279
How far is it?
I don't know. I need to look at the--
62
00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:34,492
[PAPER RIPPING]
63
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:35,702
Goddamn it, Archer!
64
00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:38,117
ARCHER:
What? I said I needed a thousand.
65
00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:40,752
Bet 300 bucks seems pretty cheap
for a map right about n--
66
00:02:40,911 --> 00:02:42,913
[ARCHER YELLING]
67
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:49,762
So, hey, so, yeah, did you say light brown
with darker whateveral bands?
68
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:53,470
Ventral bands on-- Wait, why?
69
00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:56,226
Oh, just curious.
70
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:04,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
71
00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:38,265
MALORY:
"Curious" meaning what, exactly?
72
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,312
Uh, meaning odd or strange?
73
00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:44,646
First of all, Turkmenistan isn't--
Or how about just sexist and stupid?
74
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:50,110
Enough! Please, we've talked about this,
it's not even 8:30.
75
00:03:50,272 --> 00:03:54,493
Let me get settled before you clomp in here
in one of your jealous snits.
76
00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:56,449
One of my-- Wait, whoa, clomp?
77
00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:59,455
Yes, Lana, clomp, meaning--
I know what clomp means.
78
00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:01,491
Your clomping ass ought to know.
Wha--?
79
00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:04,707
Seriously,
I bet your downstairs neighbors hate you.
80
00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:08,465
For your information, the Flatows
are always incredibly polite to me.
81
00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:11,752
That's because the Flatows think
they live under a fricking AT-AT.
82
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:15,263
[MIMICKING MECHANIZED PISTONS]
83
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,015
Okay' Whereas this one--
84
00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:19,723
...almost impossibly light on her feet.
85
00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:23,355
It's like
if you've ever seen Jackie Gleason dance.
86
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,186
So is that a compliment, or...?
87
00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:28,192
I don't see how it possibly could be.
Okay.
88
00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:30,445
Nor do I see
how you could possibly think...
89
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:34,029
...that you are at all suited
to a covert mission in Turkmenistan.
90
00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:36,410
Why, because I'm black,
or because I'm a woman?
91
00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:37,615
Pick one.
92
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:40,702
I mean, look, I don't want to sound racist,
but--
93
00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,537
But you're gonna power through it.
94
00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:45,122
Not about you, about Turkmenistan.
95
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,208
Lana, this is a Central Asian...
96
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,919
...male-dominated,
xenophobic puppet-state...
97
00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:55,212
...whose dictator changed the words
for bread and Friday to his dog's name.
98
00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:58,507
Gurpgork.
Yes, Gurpgor-- How did you know that?
99
00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:02,015
Oh, my God! How did I know that?
Okay.
100
00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:07,354
MALORY: And all that crazy is sitting on
top of an ocean of oil and natural gas...
101
00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:10,065
...making this pipeline crucial
to the Russians...
102
00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:14,323
...which is why we're paying Gorbanguly
to hinder construction.
103
00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:17,735
What? Wait, so now we're paying people
to blow up oil pipelines?
104
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:20,245
See'? Another reason I didn't send you.
105
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:21,700
What, the environment?
106
00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:24,537
Of what, this litter box?
Or Western Europe?
107
00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:28,545
Because T-72 tanks aren't exactly known
for their low emissions.
108
00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:33,755
I want it officially on record
that I am strongly opposed to this mission.
109
00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,339
[LAUGHING]
110
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:36,549
What record?
111
00:05:36,711 --> 00:05:39,590
Ah, can I at least put something
in the newsletter?
112
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:42,259
You're not still doing that?
113
00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:43,847
No?
ARCHER: Yes.
114
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:45,603
No!
ARCHER: Please!
115
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,059
Just pretend I'm--
116
00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:49,350
Who's your go-to movie star,
you know, for“?
117
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:51,268
Lorne Greene.
Wow.
118
00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:52,435
Yeah.
119
00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:54,229
Bonanza or Battlestar?
120
00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:58,947
Duh. So I come to the Ponderosa looking
for ranch Work, but my chaps get torn...
121
00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:00,235
...and Hop Sing's just--
122
00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:03,246
Ray? Time's kind of a factor here, so...
123
00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:06,158
I am not, ever, sucking your taint.
124
00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:09,703
Okay, so, Cyril, better
ChapStick it up, buddy.
125
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:13,215
First of all, not only does sucking out
the venom not help the victim...
126
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:16,468
...it can also envenom the--
Taint-sucker, that's you, let's go.
127
00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:18,879
Second of all,
the venom's not there anymore...
128
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:21,764
...it's pumping through your veins
to your heart and brain.
129
00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:23,300
Well, put a tourniquet on me.
130
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:25,059
You can't tourniquet the taint.
131
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,471
But-- Wait, is my dick gonna be okay?
132
00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:30,766
The danger there is cytotoxins,
which can cause severe necrosis.
133
00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:32,605
So my dick's gonna fall off?
134
00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:33,814
Maybe.
Aah!
135
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:36,275
The bigger danger is
neuro- and cardiotoxins...
136
00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:38,941
...which can cause respiratory failure,
cardiac arrest...
137
00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:43,157
[SCREAMING]
138
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:46,039
So the most important thing
is for you to stay calm.
139
00:06:46,197 --> 00:06:47,665
[ARCHER VOMITS]
140
00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:48,950
Ew.
Oh, boy.
141
00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:51,040
What? That's good, right?
142
00:06:51,202 --> 00:06:52,875
If my body's throwing up the poison?
143
00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,915
It might be. If you had drunk it.
144
00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:57,049
Jesus H. Thirst, speaking of.
145
00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:59,210
Ray, back pocket down there, flask.
146
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:01,505
What? No, alcohol's a vasodilator.
147
00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:04,766
It's the absolute worst possible thing
you can do for a snakebite.
148
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,802
Well, maybe for regular people.
149
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,845
Cyril, it's already full of cobra venom.
150
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:12,186
Now's not the time for any more
chemical changes to my blood.
151
00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:14,317
Okay, give it to him.
152
00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:16,604
Wha-J? Give me that.
153
00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:18,731
Here, you baby.
154
00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:19,944
It's half empty.
155
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:23,656
That's still way more than you should be--
Just shut up and“ Oh.
156
00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:25,866
[VOMITS THEN COUGHS]
157
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,155
Dig.
158
00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:28,869
Hey, I'm not doing super great.
159
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:30,329
I could use some help.
160
00:07:30,492 --> 00:07:32,335
I would, but I can't feel my hands.
161
00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:34,417
I meant Ray, who's just standing there.
162
00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:37,082
Ray. Damn it, on bionic legs.
163
00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:38,875
Oh, right.
Goddamn it, Ray.
164
00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:42,216
I forgot.
How do you forget you have bionic legs?
165
00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:45,929
L-- You know, are you constantly aware
you have regular leg bones? No, you--
166
00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:47,809
Just pick up the goddamn jeep.
167
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,642
GILLETTE:
He said, suddenly all pro-bionic.
168
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,181
Okay, on three.
169
00:07:52,347 --> 00:07:53,724
One, two, three. Go.
170
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,392
[GRUNTING]
171
00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:56,559
[YELLS]
172
00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:58,569
Ray?
What is that? What are you doing?
173
00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,071
My back, my back, my back.
174
00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:01,447
Are you shitting me'?
175
00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:03,904
Bionic legs,
and you lifted with your back?
176
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,490
Cyril, my gun's in the gear bag,
could you hand it to me, please?
177
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:12,705
To use as a signal?
Yeah, maybe.
178
00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:16,087
If there's any bullets left
after I murder both of you.
179
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:19,420
Why me?
It's number two on my bucket list.
180
00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:21,084
Okay. What's number one?
181
00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:25,427
Going to one of those things where they
make some record-breakingly huge food...
182
00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:28,762
...like, you know,
a frittata the size of a hockey rink.
183
00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:30,051
[COUGHING]
184
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:32,061
Then eating a piece...
185
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:35,064
...and then laughing
because I murdered you.
186
00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:41,605
Krieger, I need you to-- Krieger?
187
00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:44,115
Krieger!
Yep, yep, yep.
188
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:47,403
Whatever unspeakable thing you're doing
back there can wait.
189
00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:48,616
Well, you say that...
190
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:52,783
Yes, I do, and I just did, so come on,
I need you in the control room.
191
00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:55,247
Because they should have checked in
by now.
192
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:58,459
Keep trying to reach them
on the sat-phone. If that doesn't work...
193
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:01,465
...try to get satellite photos
on the next pass.
194
00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:04,594
And not a word of this to anyone,
especially--
195
00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,596
Lana.
196
00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:10,430
I thought I heard self-righteous clomping.
Can I help you?
197
00:09:10,592 --> 00:09:12,811
Funny, I was just gonna ask you that.
198
00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:15,142
No, we're fine. Aren't We, Krieger'?
199
00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:16,397
Yes?
200
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:19,480
So the mission, going as planned?
201
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:22,441
Yes, as a matter of fact,
they just this minute checked in.
202
00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:23,981
All good.
203
00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:26,070
Uh-huh.
204
00:09:26,608 --> 00:09:28,110
"Uh-huh." Ugh.
205
00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:31,075
Have you ever heard
such a superior, know-it-all tone?
206
00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,989
Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.
207
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:34,328
Oh, you're serious?
208
00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:35,993
GILLETTE: Yes.
CYRIL: No.
209
00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:38,082
Cyril, I can't move. Archer's...
210
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:39,291
[ARCHER COUGHS]
211
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:41,456
Oh. Well, very nearly dead, $0...
212
00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:43,842
I'm not calling for an extraction.
213
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,503
Just because Lana makes you feel insecure
in your masculinity--
214
00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:48,421
Mascu-- Look who's talking.
215
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,841
Oh, for-- Cyril, when I was 10 years old...
216
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:53,430
...I killed a bear.
Nuh-uh.
217
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,470
Really?
With a bow.
218
00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:58,481
Then Daddy made me take a big old bite
out of its heart.
219
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,189
Oh, my God. That is horrible.
220
00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,445
No shit, I was bawling my eyes out.
221
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,197
But he just kept slapping me
until I did it.
222
00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:07,528
Jesus.
223
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:10,113
Seriously. No wonder you're gay.
224
00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:14,156
And, Cyril, if you call ISIS,
I will literally, literally murder you.
225
00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:17,251
All right? I'd rather
die than sit through
226
00:10:17,264 --> 00:10:20,204
another one of Lana's
big "I told you so's."
227
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:21,880
At least you get to bang her.
228
00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:23,756
Well, you seem to be feeling better.
229
00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:24,962
Hang on.
230
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:29,676
Gay-vy Crockett, boom, nailed it.
231
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:31,556
[VOMITS]
232
00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:33,341
No, I'm pretty sure I'm dying.
233
00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:35,886
Since you're too pussy
to call for an extraction...
234
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,520
I'm digging, I'm digging.
235
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:40,558
Well, wait, hang on.
Because unless I'm hallucinating...
236
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:44,227
...there's a Land Cruiser over there
flipping his high beams at us.
237
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,817
BOTH:
You're hallucinating.
238
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:50,905
Well, the good news is we don't have
to worry about these alligators.
239
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:52,865
That's not actually good news, is it?
240
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:56,364
No. No, it is not.
241
00:10:56,531 --> 00:11:00,126
Okay. Later, gator.
242
00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:03,004
[SAXOPHONE PLAYING OFF-KEY]
243
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:06,918
No, no, no.
What is the meaning of this?
244
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:08,756
L-- I'm sorry, James Mason.
245
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:11,387
But he just won't stop tooting
that darn tooter.
246
00:11:11,546 --> 00:11:16,894
Mr. Archer, I'm afraid I must ask you
to cease your insufferable tooting.
247
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:18,929
This instant.
248
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,438
Fine by me. I hate opera.
249
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:23,775
Almost as much as I hate hoodies.
What the hell's going on here?
250
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:26,186
Oh, no, not hell, Mr. Archer, this is--
251
00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:27,945
Hey. Cut-rate James Mason.
252
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:30,983
I got kicked out
of Episcopal prep school. Twice.
253
00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:33,026
So if there is a heaven--
254
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:34,945
Oh, I'm sorry, nor is this heaven.
255
00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:37,739
Well, no, obviously it's not heaven.
No, it's a--
256
00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:40,750
Because Janis Joplin's
not giving me a rim job.
257
00:11:40,909 --> 00:11:43,082
--Way station. I beg your pardon?
258
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:46,623
Right? Sorry, a cobra bit my taint.
259
00:11:46,789 --> 00:11:48,211
Yes.
I'm not myself.
260
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:50,593
Aren't you?
Are I?
261
00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:52,129
Are you, indeed.
262
00:11:52,295 --> 00:11:55,970
Would you like to know
who Sterling Archer really is?
263
00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:58,560
No?
LANA: Why not?
264
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:02,018
Why won't you guys stand up to Malory
with me about blowing up the pipeline?
265
00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:04,808
Hmm, because we don't give a shit?
266
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,146
About the earth'?
267
00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:09,279
Please, if you really cared, you'd resign.
268
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:12,566
But there's no way you ever will
because you're counting the days...
269
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:15,451
...until her face, bloated and yellow
from liver failure...
270
00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:17,237
...she calls you to her deathbed...
271
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:21,078
...and, in a croaky whisper, explains
that Mr. Archer is totally incompetent...
272
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,834
...and that you,
the long-suffering Lana Kane...
273
00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:26,337
...are the only one qualified to run ISIS
and you weep shameful tears...
274
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:31,343
"because you know this terrible place
is the only true love you will ever know.
275
00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:34,796
Excuse me.
276
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:36,676
Damn.
277
00:12:36,839 --> 00:12:39,513
What? Oh, my God, was I talking?
278
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:40,973
[GRUNTS]
279
00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:44,605
Who the hell is he talking to?
280
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,858
James. James Mason.
Oh.
281
00:12:47,016 --> 00:12:48,609
GILLETTE:
Maybe that's his Lorne Greene.
282
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:51,942
James Mason, why are we in Baltimore?
283
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:55,860
I thought you might like some insight
into how you became the man you are.
284
00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:57,698
No, I would absolutely not like--
285
00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:00,704
Sterling Archer, age 18.
286
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:04,493
ARCHER: The most-recruited prep school
lacrosse player in America.
287
00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:07,037
Visiting Baltimore for the weekend...
288
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:12,255
...to decide if he will accept a full
athletic scholarship to Johns Hopkins.
289
00:13:12,834 --> 00:13:14,677
Yeah, so we don't need to see how--
290
00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:17,385
At a stop on the train ride
from New York...
291
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:22,144
...you struck out the major league
home run champion, Slammer Sloan.
292
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,724
Whoo!
293
00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:27,140
Well, obviously. I was awesome, but I--
294
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:31,938
MASON: Drew the attention of a beautiful
Woman named Ruth Anne Litzenberger...
295
00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:34,731
...qui était, vraiment, une femme fatale.
296
00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:36,649
And who followed you here...
297
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,693
...to this very hotel in Baltimore...
298
00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:41,409
...and sent you a note
to come to her room.
299
00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:44,074
Look, seriously--
Whoo!
300
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,914
Wait, how did you know I was staying--?
301
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:49,170
What's going on here?
RUTH ANN: Sterling?
302
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,333
Will you be the best there ever was
in the game?
303
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:53,841
Uh-huh.
304
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,422
Wha-J? NO!
305
00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:56,837
Uh, duh.
306
00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:58,846
[GRUNTS THEN THUDS]
307
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:00,598
[SAXOPHONE PLAYING OFF-KEY]
308
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,179
[WINDOW SHATTERS]
309
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:06,679
ARCHER:
Yeah, so...
310
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:10,316
...I don't know if you're deaf
or just an asshole or both...
311
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:13,103
...but I'm pretty sure I said
I didn't wanna see this.
312
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:15,067
But, Sterling, do you not see...
313
00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:17,778
...how the actions
of a deeply disturbed woman...
314
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:20,034
...have profoundly influenced your life'?
315
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,070
Well, obviously. I mean--
316
00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:26,082
Oh, you mean my lacrosse career ending
because a crazy stalker gut-shot me.
317
00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:27,496
Do I?
318
00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:29,956
I don't know, James Mason. Do you?
319
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:32,918
Besides, What fricking movie is this?
320
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:35,300
What's next, Mr. Gower slaps me deaf?
321
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:37,301
Come on, you're all over the road here.
322
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,882
CYRIL: Well...
Well, what?
323
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:40,467
I'm doing the best I can.
324
00:14:40,630 --> 00:14:42,974
GILLETTE:
If that's the best you can do...
325
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,931
...just kill yoursel--
Heh-heh-heh.
326
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:47,767
Are you bouncing on purpose?
327
00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:51,479
No, I'm trying to get Archer to whatever
passes for a doctor around here...
328
00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:52,767
...before it's too late.
329
00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:55,312
Sounds like a plan, James Mason.
330
00:14:55,478 --> 00:14:57,947
And maybe if you shut up
I can concentrate on the ro--
331
00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,483
[CYRIL YELLS]
332
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:04,286
GILLETTE: What the shit was that?
A camel.
333
00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,743
GILLETTE: Great, now we've
both killed a large animal.
334
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,499
Drive around it.
335
00:15:08,658 --> 00:15:10,706
L, uh, don't think that's an option.
336
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:12,211
[GUNS COOKING]
337
00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:20,595
Hey, check it out, Fred and Barney,
we're at the Water Buffalo Lodge.
338
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:28,303
Krieger, any word from Sterling?
339
00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:29,846
Yep, yep, Yep-
340
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:31,685
Well? What did he say?
341
00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:34,226
Oh, I mean nope. Nope, nope, nope.
Argh.
342
00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:36,861
But, you know, I'm sure they're fine.
343
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:39,147
Wait, no! I had the right of way!
344
00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:43,360
Seriously, I get y'all are upset,
but I think I have a pinched ner--
345
00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:46,533
Aah!
346
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:49,370
Now, just a darn minute.
We are Americans--
347
00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:51,125
Oh, God.
348
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:54,037
Hello.
Yeah. Way to not call it in.
349
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:55,455
MASON".
I beg your pardon?
350
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:57,840
Yeah, you should. And I'm out of here.
351
00:15:57,999 --> 00:15:59,717
I'm afraid that isn't possible.
352
00:15:59,876 --> 00:16:03,096
Oh, really? And why is--?
Coming through. Come on, make a hole.
353
00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:05,723
Phrasing, boom.
Boom.
354
00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:08,180
Scholarship to Johns Hopkins.
Hmm.
355
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:13,314
Bit of a moot point, though,
really, given your SAT scores.
356
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:14,690
Goodbye, James Mason.
357
00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:17,068
No, you-- Mr. Archer, wait.
358
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:18,352
CYRIL:
Please, here.
359
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:19,566
Here's $4300.
360
00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:23,074
Surely that's enough
for what I now suspect was a blind camel.
361
00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:24,404
Baksheesh.
362
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:25,739
MEN:
Baksheesh.
363
00:16:25,902 --> 00:16:28,405
Baksheesh, exactly, but our friend--
364
00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:30,073
Okay, "snake" is...
365
00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:34,210
Oh, okay,
so "our friend was bitten by a snake" is...
366
00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:38,748
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
367
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:42,589
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
368
00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:46,881
What? No, no, no. I mean "yok, yok."
369
00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,220
MASON:
No, no.
370
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:50,100
Mr. Archer, please.
371
00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:52,603
You please, cut-rate James Mason.
372
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,605
And then shut up, because I'm going...
373
00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:56,979
...home.
374
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,768
Goddamn it.
375
00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:00,312
Or What is it?
376
00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:01,525
CYRIL:
Gurpgork.
377
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:04,611
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
378
00:17:04,774 --> 00:17:08,779
What? No. Not that Gurpgork.
379
00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:11,118
[HISSING]
380
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,452
Ah, Gurpgork.
381
00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:13,867
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
382
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:17,378
Ah, Gurpgork.
MAN: Gurpgork.
383
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:21,838
How's it the same word for bread and snake
and Friday and that damn dog?
384
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:23,592
How the hell should I know?
385
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:27,472
Because you have an entire satellite array
at your disposal, you idiot!
386
00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:30,349
Yeah, I don't actually know
how any of this works.
387
00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:33,307
But--
That was the fat guy you killed.
388
00:17:33,469 --> 00:17:37,645
And just so you know,
I do know what true love is, so...
389
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,401
Yeah.
390
00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:44,192
What in God's name was that about?
391
00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:46,073
She'd probably ruin the wedding.
392
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,785
ARCHER".
Come on, what the heH is this?
393
00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:52,663
I thought you'd like to see something.
I've seen poverty.
394
00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:55,917
I've been to--
Oh, how's it going in Turkmenistan?
395
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,292
Not great.
396
00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:00,671
GILLETTE:
Cyril, just draw a snake.
397
00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:03,003
Oh, right. Okay.
398
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:06,423
Elliptical head, oblique dorsal scales...
399
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:11,467
...symmetric sub-caudal scalation,
darker ventral bands, obviously.
400
00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:14,181
Okay, here we go.
401
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:19,853
What is wrong with you people?
402
00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,768
What's Wrong with you? Give me that.
403
00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:25,275
Here. Ta-da!
404
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,941
A snake.
Oh, that's crap.
405
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,360
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
406
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:32,949
I wanna say "duh," but...
407
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,329
ARCHER".
What's the point?
408
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:35,740
Come on, this is stupid.
409
00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:38,159
I don't need to see this,
I remember all of it.
410
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:39,794
Do you?
411
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:44,708
Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, that's me. I'm, like, 6.
412
00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:47,468
I'm 6 today, it's my birthday.
413
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,972
And your mother isn't home, is she?
No, she had to--
414
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:55,476
Look, Guatemala's democratically elected
government Wasn't gonna overthrow itself.
415
00:18:55,885 --> 00:18:59,230
And with Woodhouse,
shall we say, indisposed...
416
00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:01,811
[SNORING]
417
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,318
...there was no one
to give you a birthday present.
418
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:08,482
L-- Wait, no, yeah, I got...
419
00:19:08,898 --> 00:19:11,742
Derman Gurpgork. Derman Gurpgork.
420
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:12,948
[ARCHER VOMITS]
421
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:15,078
No, I don't think he can keep bread down.
422
00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:16,910
No, no, no, I think it's--
423
00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:18,245
Derman is medicine.
424
00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:19,750
Derman Gurpgork.
425
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:21,707
I think it's antivenom. Give me.
426
00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:22,916
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
427
00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:24,080
Baksheesh.
428
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:25,839
Okay.
429
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:28,842
Oh, he Wants a lot, lot, lot of money.
430
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,345
So? We've got 95 grand.
431
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:34,849
But that's for the mission, to--
Blow up a fricking oil pipeline?
432
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,259
Wait, really?
433
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:39,929
Cyril, what did you think she meant
by "hinder construction"?
434
00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:41,769
Oh. Heh.
435
00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:46,311
Hey, do you ever think maybe we're kind of
not always 100 percent of the time...
436
00:19:46,477 --> 00:19:47,694
...doing the right thing?
437
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:51,027
Do you ever shut up
and give that man-bear 25 grand...
438
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,693
...so you and I can split the other 70?
439
00:19:54,819 --> 00:19:57,322
Yes, yes, I do.
440
00:19:57,613 --> 00:20:00,617
I got a-- Yeah, I got an alligator.
441
00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:02,126
[GASPS]
442
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:03,410
MAN:
Hello, Sterling.
443
00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:05,250
Your mother doesn't know I'm here...
444
00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:07,916
...but I wanted
to bring you a birthday present.
445
00:20:08,082 --> 00:20:11,086
I hope you like alligators.
I do.
446
00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:13,846
I did.
Thank you, mister.
447
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:15,381
But who are you?
448
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:18,392
MAN:
Sterling, I'm your real father.
449
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:19,598
[GASPS]
450
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,728
[GASPING]
451
00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:23,139
[MEN GASP]
452
00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:24,898
Archer'?
Buck Henry?
453
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,730
Oh, my God, Cyril. Ray.
454
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:29,486
I know--
You're okay. We gave you the antivenom.
455
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:30,817
Cyril, shut your dickhole.
456
00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:33,950
Jesus, God,
I know who my real father Was.
457
00:20:34,108 --> 00:20:35,325
Well?
Well, who was he'?
458
00:20:35,484 --> 00:20:37,578
He was...
459
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:39,739
[GRUNTING]
460
00:20:40,948 --> 00:20:42,666
No, it's gone.
461
00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:45,332
Goddamn it.
461
00:20:46,305 --> 00:20:52,588
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