1
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:06,556
MAN:
Why do I seem annoyed? Let's see.
2
00:00:06,715 --> 00:00:09,093
Instead of savoring this espresso,
this cigarette...
3
00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:13,435
...and the four minutes of free time I have
today, I'm talking to you cockwits.
4
00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:14,644
What else?
5
00:00:14,806 --> 00:00:17,007
Oh. I'm doing a special
seating for diplomats
6
00:00:17,020 --> 00:00:19,232
from the State
Department and Albania.
7
00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:23,194
So not only do I have to create a meal
out of yogurt and a goddamn sheep's head...
8
00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:25,280
...there's been some
vague security threat...
9
00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:27,069
...so my highly-trained staff...
10
00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:29,113
...has been infiltrated--
Sorry.
11
00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:30,872
--By Shithead Squadron.
12
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:34,160
Just need to grab some menus for the--
Camera? Why is there a camera?
13
00:00:34,326 --> 00:00:37,205
I assume because this restaurant
can't hold 3 million viewers.
14
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:39,874
WOMAN: Two-point-eight.
Because it's not promoted properly.
15
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:43,510
This is gonna be televised? WOMAN:
Yeah, the show's called Bastard Chef.
16
00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:46,969
Hm. Excuse me.
Thank you, giraffe lady.
17
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:49,258
Anyway,
those ISIS idiots are doing security...
18
00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:52,894
...and for some inexplicable reason,
they have to do that undercover, so...
19
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,805
[METAL CLANGING CONTINUOUSLY]
20
00:00:56,000 --> 00:01:02,074
AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday
21
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:05,524
[METAL STOPS CLANGING]
22
00:01:06,358 --> 00:01:10,079
ARCHER: Whoops.
That's probably why I seem annoyed.
23
00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:11,705
Let's go, Chet, chop-chop.
24
00:01:11,863 --> 00:01:14,207
You're the one who dropped it.
Why do I have to clean it up?
25
00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:17,916
You're the garcon de cuisine,
which means kitchen boy...
26
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:22,083
...whereas I am sous chef, which means
shut your face and mop up the damn yogurt.
27
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:26,004
Why do you get to be sous chef?
I have fine-dining experience.
28
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:29,055
I used to own a restaurant.
It was a burger joint.
29
00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:31,262
Cyril-- I mean Chet?
LANA: Archer?
30
00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:33,553
She means Randy.
Can I borrow you?
31
00:01:33,719 --> 00:01:39,101
Sure, um... Mitzi.
My name is not Mitzi. Walk-in. Now.
32
00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:41,686
Yeah, I got time for a quickie.
Wait, a what?
33
00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:43,479
Arch-- Randy.
34
00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:45,272
Whoa. Whoa, unh!
35
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:46,486
[SIGHS]
36
00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:50,698
You guys can edit that out, right?
WOMAN: Yes. But we won't.
37
00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:53,205
So quick question:
Do you think it's a good idea...
38
00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:55,616
...talking to a TV crew
when we're undercover?
39
00:01:55,782 --> 00:02:00,208
Fake names, duh. Follow-up question:
Do you know how TV actually works?
40
00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:02,213
L...
They won't broadcast this episode...
41
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:03,965
...in the restaurant tonight.
42
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,546
Wait, are you guys?
WOMAN: No, we--
43
00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,711
Like a closed-circuit deal or...?
WOMAN: No.
44
00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:11,132
Because come to think of it,
I actually don't know how TV works either.
45
00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:13,551
How about geopolitics?
Uh...
46
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:15,515
Because if anything
goes wrong tonight...
47
00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:18,897
...U.S.-Albanian relations could
become even more unstable so--
48
00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:22,902
CASTEAU: What the shit? Speaking of
unstable, that guy is a powder keg.
49
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:27,065
Why is there yogurt fricking soup
all over my spotless fricking kitchen?
50
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:29,733
Randy did it.
Whoa, whoa. First of all, no, I didn't...
51
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:32,119
...and second,
these bowls are the worst.
52
00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:34,575
Look, they're, like, totally slipper--
53
00:02:34,738 --> 00:02:36,740
[BOWL CLANGING CONTINUOUSLY]
54
00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:46,966
[BOWL STOPS CLANGING]
55
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,207
[PHONE RINGING]
56
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:28,046
Seize, please hold. Seize, please hold.
Seize, please hold.
57
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,255
[e ROANS]
58
00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:31,512
What're you doing?
I'll tell you what I'm not doing.
59
00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:33,513
Besides your job?
My job is--
60
00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:35,174
Answering the damn phone.
61
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,314
A task so simple that if
the Health Department
62
00:03:37,327 --> 00:03:39,311
would let me, I'd
have a monkey do it.
63
00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:40,937
Why?
No, I was being facetious.
64
00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:43,190
I would never allow a monkey
in my restaurant.
65
00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:45,976
Except in the form
of an exquisitely-prepared entrée.
66
00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:49,898
No, I mean you're booked solid for--
Holy shit, the next 10 months?
67
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:53,408
Why bother answering the phone?
To tell people they can't eat here.
68
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,911
Soto drive people away, basically.
Those people.
69
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:58,163
That's not the real number
for reservations.
70
00:03:58,321 --> 00:04:00,198
I'm sorry?
The real number's a secret...
71
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:02,493
...closely guarded
by people I deem acceptable.
72
00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:06,334
So just so I'm clear, instead of assessing
the security needs for tonight...
73
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:10,626
...I'm answering phone calls from people
who aren't good enough to eat here.
74
00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:14,842
Yeah, so try to sound apologetic,
but not, you know, overly so.
75
00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:18,555
Seize. I'm sorry, we have nothing
available for the next 10 months.
76
00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:20,685
Okay, bye.
77
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,808
Keep trying.
CHERYL: Ugh!
78
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:24,018
Why?
79
00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:26,149
Besides I said so?
They're booked.
80
00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:29,903
If I'd known I couldn't get a table,
I would have never agreed to do security.
81
00:04:30,061 --> 00:04:31,813
Why do they need security,
anyway?
82
00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:35,860
There was a threat of some sort,
it's all rather vague...
83
00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:40,702
...but when those State Department dweebs
see just how good ISIS really is...
84
00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:44,710
...mark my words,
one day soon, we'll be a major player.
85
00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:46,120
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
86
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,880
What?
No, you know, just--
87
00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:51,292
You say that
like you believe it.
88
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:56,638
Hey.
Get me a table, or the fish gets it.
89
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,515
[LINE RINGING]
90
00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:01,639
[SOBBING]
91
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:02,974
Jesus, what's the big deal?
92
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:08,893
That's my fish.
His name's Jermaine.
93
00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:11,403
Oh! I thought he was
just your food.
94
00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:15,907
Food? We're not making food,
people. We're creating cuisine.
95
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:19,161
Food is what a dog eats, or a tourist.
96
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:24,246
Wait, a dog ate a tourist?
What? That was ambiguously worded.
97
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:28,412
Was that ambiguous?
Why are you antagonizing him?
98
00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:32,924
Cyril, come on, it's my nature.
See? Uh, yeah, kind of.
99
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,255
Well, how about this?
100
00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:37,512
Plus, he can't aim for shit,
he's pulling everything to the right.
101
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:41,392
If you can't turn that into promo gold,
you should honestly consider suicide.
102
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:44,679
Hang on, there's a bumper.
Now prep, you ******* maggots.
103
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,189
Then bleep *******,
since Darlene won't let me say that.
104
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,941
But, seriously, guys,
we do have a lot of food to prep so...
105
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,944
Uh, the food's splattered
all over the wall and floor...
106
00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:56,482
...and, uh, Chet here so...
So scoop it into a bowl.
107
00:05:56,648 --> 00:06:00,403
Nobody will know, it's Albanian glop.
The entree is a fricking sheep face.
108
00:06:00,569 --> 00:06:03,413
I value all cultures equally highly.
109
00:06:03,572 --> 00:06:05,370
Uh, should you be smoking in here?
110
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:07,500
Should you be flaming in here?
You know...
111
00:06:07,659 --> 00:06:09,582
Boom. Bumper.
112
00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:11,462
He's just such a bastard.
113
00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:12,793
[SNIFFLES THEN STAMMERS]
114
00:06:13,331 --> 00:06:14,878
And that's not my name!
115
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,339
ARCHER: Yeah. "Child murderer"
shouldn't be hyphenated.
116
00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:20,426
That makes it seem like
he's a murderer who's also a child.
117
00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:23,308
WOMAN: Actually, no, it doesn't.
Actually, yes, it does.
118
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:27,141
"Publicity whore" isn't hyphenated so why--
Why the shit...
119
00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:31,605
...are you maggots not prepping?
I-- Wait, are you doing a bumper?
120
00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:34,645
FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
Coming up, on Bastard Chef:
121
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:37,154
[CYRIL SCREAMS]
122
00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:38,782
[RAY SCREAMS]
123
00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:42,285
Ha-ha. I have seriously
never been happier. Ow!
124
00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:43,536
[BOTTLE CLINKS]
125
00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:45,572
ARCHER:
Boom. Bumper.
126
00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:57,292
LANA:
Wait, so what did Malory say exactly?
127
00:06:57,459 --> 00:07:01,384
L-- She said "credible threat."
I know, but what kind of credible--
128
00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:04,550
Cy-- Chet, I need those onions!
Yes, chef.
129
00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:08,971
Heh. He has to call me chef.
How and why are you enjoying this?
130
00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:11,231
Well, for one thing, I'm pretty drunk.
131
00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:15,644
And besides bar-tending in Polynesia,
I've never had a real job $0...
132
00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:17,403
Wait, never?
133
00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:21,032
Oh, well, when I was 10, I asked
if I could sell Grit door to door...
134
00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:22,914
...so I could win some
of those x-ray specs?
135
00:07:22,927 --> 00:07:24,661
Mother said they were fake.
136
00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,537
Also, that I'd get raped and murdered.
137
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:30,371
It is like peeling an onion with you.
Right? Oh, wait.
138
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:31,876
Chet! Onions!
139
00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:33,036
[SNIFFLING]
140
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:34,796
Here. What dish are they going in?
141
00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:37,378
[SCOFFS]
142
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:40,464
Oh, eat a dick.
That's "Eat a dick, chef."
143
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:43,426
And for a third thing,
I actually might be good at this.
144
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:46,558
Oh, yeah, nice technique, Randy.
ARCHER: Thank you, chef.
145
00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:49,435
Want me to prep the 'shrooms?
No, you do the aubergines.
146
00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:50,641
Right away, chef.
147
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:54,980
If Chet gets his incompetent thumb
out of his equally incompetent ass!
148
00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:59,317
Nice. Yes, and that is excellent ABBAB.
Always Be Berating and Belittling.
149
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:02,983
And you, time to lean, time to get
your distracting tits off my line.
150
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,196
[WHISTLING]
151
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:05,406
[PHONE RINGING]
152
00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:06,569
[SNIFFING]
153
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:10,081
Hey, is something burning? Oh, wait,
it's you, because you just got burned.
154
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:14,370
Oh, my God, you admire that dick.
He's a master chef, Lana...
155
00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:17,756
...which turns out is not nearly as gay
a job as I thought it was.
156
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:20,417
It's no secret agent,
but it's way above architect.
157
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,574
Speaking of secret
agent, at some point
158
00:08:22,587 --> 00:08:24,588
before the restaurant
is full of diplomats...
159
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:27,348
...I'd love to go over the--
Menu, I know, let's--
160
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,851
Plan.
On going over the menu, yes.
161
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:33,389
Get child murderer Gilles de Rais
in here and I'll walk you through it.
162
00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:35,398
CASTEAU:
Answer the goddamn phone, woman!
163
00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:37,275
Seriously, Mitzi, how hard is that?
164
00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:40,358
Ugh! Now nobody is picking up!
165
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,070
A monkey could do this stupid job.
MALORY: And yet I pay you to do it.
166
00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:47,577
Oh, so now I'm a monkey?
MALORY: No, because a monkey--
167
00:08:47,736 --> 00:08:48,783
[PHONE RINGS]
168
00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:51,368
[CHERYL GIBBERING LIKE A MONKEY
OVER PHONE]
169
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:52,908
What is this, Spain?
170
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:58,922
I mean, it is just constant ABBAB.
171
00:08:59,831 --> 00:09:01,378
Is that supposed to be funny?
Yes.
172
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:04,761
And I also think
you might have low blood sugar.
173
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,466
And I need you to focus...
174
00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:10,384
...so we can get Cruella de Vil's mom in
there a table before she kills Jermaine.
175
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,348
It's impossible.
176
00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:15,138
And what's so important
about a stupid goldfish?
177
00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:18,605
Okay, A, he's not a goldfish, and B--
Please don't berate me.
178
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,986
Please don't make me, and B...
179
00:09:21,144 --> 00:09:22,145
Tell him, Chi.
180
00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,314
[SHOUTING IN VIETNAM ESE]
181
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:29,824
CROWD [CHANTING]:
Jermaine! Jermaine! Jermaine!
182
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:31,954
Without getting all into the details...
183
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:34,832
...I may or may not owe
$14,000 to some people...
184
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,959
...you wouldn't wanna owe 14 cents.
185
00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:39,120
I so can't relate to that.
186
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:40,709
Could you try?
No.
187
00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:41,919
[SIGHS]
188
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:45,461
Could you pretend to try?
Yes.
189
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:46,674
CYRIL:
Absolutely not.
190
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:49,180
Absolutely yes. Come on
I need the tongues first...
191
00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:51,717
...then every bit of meat
scraped off those cheeks.
192
00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:54,352
Is that all? You don't want
the fricking eyeballs?
193
00:09:54,511 --> 00:09:56,639
Oh, okay, so the tongues second.
194
00:09:56,805 --> 00:10:00,150
I'm not cutting out their eyeballs.
Not with that. Use a melon baller.
195
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:02,652
Oh, I'm gonna go make
a big pitcher of melon balls.
196
00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:05,530
You want one?
No, I don't want a damn melon ball.
197
00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:10,034
Suit yourself. But trust me,
you are gonna want a melon baller.
198
00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:12,412
Okay, what's the word?
How we doing?
199
00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,743
Well, I've swept the entire place
for explosives...
200
00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:16,579
...and it's clear.
That's the good news.
201
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,789
The bad news is if this
vague threat is gunmen...
202
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,455
...we've got ingress points here
and here and...
203
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,373
You are talking about eggplants.
204
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:25,884
No, Lana,
I'm talking about aubergines.
205
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,386
They're the--
They're the same thing.
206
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:30,513
Oh, then where does auberge
fit in?
207
00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:32,674
[SPEAKS FRENCH]
208
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:36,224
[BOTH SPEAK FRENCH]
209
00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:38,059
Then go answer
the goddamn phone.
210
00:10:38,221 --> 00:10:39,939
[LANA GROANS]
211
00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:42,476
Okay, moment of truth,
taste test.
212
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:46,067
Uh, please don't B and/or B me
too hard.
213
00:10:46,229 --> 00:10:49,824
Mmm, not bad, Randy. Not bad at all.
Thank you, chef.
214
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:52,907
Just needs a little kick in the ass.
Speaking of, where's Chet?
215
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:54,992
In the walk-in,
weeping like a child.
216
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,157
[SOBBING]
217
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:03,376
Nice. Man, you should have been a chef.
Oh. Pshaw.
218
00:11:03,538 --> 00:11:06,257
I'm serious. Maybe being a secret
agent isn't your true calling.
219
00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:08,259
Yeah, my mother says that a lot.
220
00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:11,843
Oh, what, so now I suppose
you're just going to sit there and pout?
221
00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:18,433
Well, I didn't get you into this, mister.
You got yourself into this.
222
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:22,103
And the clock is ticking, my friend.
223
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:25,352
Mm. So just so I'm clear...
224
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:29,648
...you want me to use this top-secret
934-TX telephonic isolator unit...
225
00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:32,818
...for which you have neither clearance
nor written permission...
226
00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:35,282
...to even gaze upon,
to find all phone numbers...
227
00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:38,119
...associated with this
physical address.
228
00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:40,283
Yeah, Glenda Gotrocks here says...
229
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:44,125
...ritzy joints like Seize have reservation
numbers that are strictly on the QT.
230
00:11:44,287 --> 00:11:46,961
What is this, Spain
I mean the '30s?
231
00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:51,128
A flagrant violation of my sworn duty,
for which my recompense will be?
232
00:11:51,294 --> 00:11:53,137
If, in fact, I heard you correctly.
233
00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:56,971
Yes, you, in fact, did, and said recompense
will, in fact, be a handjob.
234
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:58,635
No.
From her.
235
00:11:58,801 --> 00:12:00,428
Yes.
What? No!
236
00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:01,767
Yes. Please.
237
00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:03,898
If I don't make good on that fish fight...
238
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,981
...you're gonna find me in a dumpster
somewhere out in Red Hook.
239
00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:10,488
If you're ever in Red Hook snooping
around in random dumpsters.
240
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:14,197
Great, so it's give him a handjob
or change up my whole Sunday routine?
241
00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:18,330
Um, apparently.
Ugh! This is so unfair.
242
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:22,330
Okay. But I am not
spitting in your face.
243
00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:24,995
L--
Take it or leave it, dude.
244
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:26,417
[DOOR LOCK BEEPS]
245
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:31,297
Hello? See how I did that? Just picked
up the phone and talked into it?
246
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,837
And how did you get this number?
247
00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:37,974
Which Kennedy? Because if it's Teddy,
he still owes me for a urinal so...
248
00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:39,509
Oh. Oh!
249
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:43,351
Yes, absolutely.
Eight o'clock, table for four. Thank you.
250
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:46,357
Thank you! Hoo-hoo.
251
00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:50,020
[MOANING]
252
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:53,857
Thank you.
253
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:56,025
[GIBBERS LIKE A MONKEY]
254
00:12:56,859 --> 00:13:00,659
I think I'm in love with you.
255
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:04,535
And yet
I will die alone.
256
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,874
BOTH [IN UNISON]:
Yeah, probably.
257
00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:10,840
[JAZZ PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
258
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:13,548
CASTEAU:
Okay, listen up, people.
259
00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:17,556
Tonight has to go perfectly
because it is wall to wall VIP's out there.
260
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:21,389
We've got the Albanian ambassador
and all his little diplomat buddies.
261
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:25,055
And also little Vernie Kennedy,
JFK's crazy niece or cousin or something.
262
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:26,723
[LAUGHS]
263
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:32,817
And then Teddy walks into the library
wearing nothing but a whiskey sour.
264
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:35,698
Hoo-hoo. Teddy.
Such a scamp.
265
00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:37,530
So no screwups.
266
00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:40,070
Now, get to work.
I'm talking to you, Gayvid Niven.
267
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:41,863
Oh, eat a di--
CASTEAU: What was that?
268
00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:44,579
Yes, chef.
Randy, ready the soup.
269
00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:48,371
I'll be out front favoring the guest
of honor with aperitif and my presence.
270
00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:53,417
And here you are, Mr. Ambassador.
I prefer to be called Your Excellency.
271
00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:57,633
Well, people in hell want ice water.
Ray. What is your problem?
272
00:13:57,795 --> 00:14:00,924
Besides not knowing
if I should add an 18-percent gratuity?
273
00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:03,513
Because I can,
it's a party of six or more...
274
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:06,555
...but if they were gonna tip
20 percent, I just hosed myself.
275
00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:08,394
Not to mention U.S.-Albanian relations.
276
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:11,685
So instead of insulting the ambassador,
whom we're here to protect--
277
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,194
Protect him from what?
278
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:17,028
The only threat around here is--
Dying of thirst, apparently.
279
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:19,659
I've been trying to get a table
at Seize for months...
280
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:23,697
...and when I finally do, instead of
Casteau's world-famous risotto...
281
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,412
...I have to eat sheep face.
Wait a minute.
282
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:29,703
For God's sake, the least you could do
is keep my wine glass full.
283
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:32,292
Oh, my God, it's you.
You're the threat.
284
00:14:32,455 --> 00:14:35,254
You couldn't get a table,
so you made an anonymous threat...
285
00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:37,635
...and got ISIS hired to do security.
286
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:41,215
Well, that's still no excuse
for poor service. Wow.
287
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:45,682
Okay, you know what? Excuse me.
Yes, tell them all about it.
288
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:50,189
That'll do wonders
for U.S.-Albanian relations.
289
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,475
Bon appétit.
290
00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:56,488
Hi, yeah, are you done shouting at
my guests in barely-passable French?
291
00:14:56,646 --> 00:14:57,647
[SPEAKS FRENCH]
292
00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:59,942
Then why don't you go help
Mincent Price with the--
293
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:01,155
[BOWL CLANGING]
294
00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:03,160
ARCHER: Eighty-six soup.
Ugh.
295
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:05,868
Aw, man,
I'm fricking starving.
296
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:09,660
Here you go, gang, get in here.
I brought a bunch of crackers and jelly.
297
00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:14,502
You promised you'd stop doing that.
They were in my tuxedo from last time.
298
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:16,792
[WOMAN SINGING OPERA
AND PLASTIC CRINKLING]
299
00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:22,134
For the love of God, will you--?
300
00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:26,509
Kicked out in the first act.
301
00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:29,304
Well, we didn't have to fight
for a cab.
302
00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:32,348
What?
303
00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:35,610
Tell Randy, as his final act
before I walk back into the kitchen...
304
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:38,942
...and murder him with his own shoes, to--
Fire the entrées!
305
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:40,152
[ARCHER GROANS]
306
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:41,691
Yeah, might as well.
307
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:46,364
Because, Randy, except, of course,
for your mother, there is no threat.
308
00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:48,372
Tell that to my tavé kosi...
309
00:15:48,531 --> 00:15:51,876
...the tender flesh of which
I'm now ruining under the broiler...
310
00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:53,502
...because I have no soup!
311
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:55,504
BOTH: Ew.
And whose fault is that?
312
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:58,883
The-- Whatever idiot invented
those slippery-ass bowls.
313
00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:02,341
Now, get back here
and mop it up, Chet.
314
00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:04,676
Chef, eat a dick.
315
00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:07,095
A toast. To His Excellency...
316
00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:10,478
...the ambassador extraordinary
and plenipotentiary of Albania.
317
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:13,389
And to a long, peaceful
and prosperous friendship...
318
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:15,524
...between his great nation
and ours.
319
00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:17,310
[BOTH SPEAK ALBANIAN]
320
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:20,105
While we sit here dying of thirst.
321
00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:23,525
Hang on, I might have a juice box in my--
Ron!
322
00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:26,535
Thank you, chef.
The dolma, the rakia.
323
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:28,913
I feel I am home in Albania.
324
00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:34,544
Just wait until you try my tavé kosi.
Oh! Tavé kosi is my most favorite.
325
00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:37,501
Excuse me, I need to make sure
my sous chef hasn't ruined it.
326
00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:40,212
ARCHER: It's ruined.
No, it's actually really good.
327
00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:43,753
Cyril and/or Chet?
No, Cyril and Chet are now vegans.
328
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:46,890
Aw. Just when I thought
I couldn't hate them more.
329
00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:51,053
Now, get these entrees to the table.
Move, maggots! Everybody take a tray.
330
00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:53,096
ALL:
Yes, chef. Right away, chef.
331
00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:55,936
Not you, Chet. You look
like a dinosaur's tampon.
332
00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:59,568
Boom! Bumper. I am just killing it today.
333
00:17:00,061 --> 00:17:01,483
Well, finally.
334
00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:05,822
Yeah, sorry, we were dealing with
this incredibly obnoxious hoax, so--
335
00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:09,578
So can I at least assume
there will be a wine pairing?
336
00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:15,790
Mmm, Chef Randy, this is the best
tavé kosi I ever tested. I--
337
00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:18,546
[GRUNTS THEN CHOKES]
338
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:21,207
CHERYL:
I'll have what he's having.
339
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:24,674
Wow. You really do like it.
Your Excellency?
340
00:17:24,835 --> 00:17:25,927
He's dead.
341
00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:27,134
PAM:
Holy shit snacks.
342
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:28,343
CHERYL:
Then I don't want what he is having.
343
00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:31,225
Wait. No, the threat was a hoax.
A what?
344
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,386
Lana!
Oh, my God.
345
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:37,478
Well, you can forget about ISIS working
for the State Department, ever.
346
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,519
And, sir, please, I'm sure this
was just an allergic reaction.
347
00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:41,937
Okay?
Yes.
348
00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:43,320
To poison.
What?
349
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:46,403
No, I started with the freshest
ingredients, like--
350
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,318
Oh, my God, the mushrooms.
351
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:51,408
Casteau must've put poison
mushrooms in the-- Pam!
352
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:52,572
[SLURPING]
353
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,866
What?
Nothing. Here, have mine.
354
00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:56,579
You sure?
Pam!
355
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:59,461
Okay, let's get Casteau before he--
CYRIL: He's gone.
356
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:02,169
And also on the phone.
Oh, Cyril.
357
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:04,834
CHERYL:
Oh, Teddy. Ever the scamp.
358
00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:07,754
Sir, please, let's have dessert and then--
No time.
359
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,139
We have an embassy to close.
360
00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:12,175
So that's a no
on the wine pairing?
361
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:14,309
Malory, a man has just
been murdered.
362
00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:16,015
But how? We all ate a little.
363
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:18,306
Or a lot.
You said I could have it.
364
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:21,476
But if it wasn't the food--
How the hell did he get poisoned?
365
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,862
CASTEAU: I coated his glass
with cyanide, you idiots, for the toast.
366
00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:28,366
Oh, there's toast?
Give me that. But, chef, why?
367
00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:30,197
Six million bucks...
368
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:33,533
...which I'm gonna use to deficit-finance
a new show where I travel...
369
00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:36,199
...so I can insult people's cooking
all over the globe.
370
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:39,960
Now, there's a show I'd like to--
Wait, you won't get away with this.
371
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,172
CASTEAU:
Well, you say that.
372
00:18:43,331 --> 00:18:45,880
And remember when I said
you could've been a great chef?
373
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,089
ARCHER:
Yes.
374
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:50,004
Every morning,
I make two cooks like you in the toilet.
375
00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:53,801
Why?! Why couldn't he let me
have the dream?
376
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:57,846
Why can't you let me have some wine?
What is this, Spain in the '30s?
377
00:18:58,012 --> 00:18:59,889
And way, way more importantly...
378
00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:04,277
...who would pay $6 million
just to make ISIS look like idiots?
379
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,734
For that much money, we could have
built a whole new bionic man.
380
00:19:07,897 --> 00:19:12,152
Don't tempt me, Barry.
Boom! Bumper.
381
00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:17,365
[CASTEAU SCREAMS]
382
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:19,575
[BARRY LAUGHS]
383
00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:21,419
BARRY:
Wow.
384
00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:24,250
Remind me not to piss you off.
385
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:26,757
Remind yourself.
386
00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:30,094
Yes, dear.
386
00:19:31,305 --> 00:19:37,902
Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/vbre
Help other users to choose the best subtitles