1 00:00:03,587 --> 00:00:07,592 MALORY: Now, tell me exactly what happened. 2 00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:09,431 [LANA SIGHS] 3 00:00:10,219 --> 00:00:13,974 LANA: You, through some shady deal with the Border Patrol... 4 00:00:14,139 --> 00:00:18,019 ...sent us to South Texas to capture an individual named Moreno. 5 00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,029 Mexico's most notorious coyote. 6 00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:24,192 Which is Espanol for people smuggler. 7 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:27,111 Thanks, thaws-- And also for coyote, it turns out. 8 00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:29,746 Archer- It's a loanword. Or is it a calque? 9 00:00:29,905 --> 00:00:32,374 Why do you always do this? Because I'm always bored. 10 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:35,332 Is he--? Ugh, this is totally nerve-racking. 11 00:00:35,494 --> 00:00:36,871 How are you bored? 12 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:40,257 Don't engage him. I've been lying in scorpion piss for two hours... 13 00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,713 ...in the sunblasted shithole which is Texas... 14 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:46,426 ...waiting for a stupid truck stuffed with smallish brown people... 15 00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:47,635 ...who just want a job. 16 00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:50,642 CYRIL: And probably Mexican cartel gunmen. LANA: What'd I just say? 17 00:00:50,801 --> 00:00:54,396 Big whoop, I'm spooning a Barrett .50 cal. I could kill a building. 18 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:57,729 LANA: Just put one through the engine block when the truck has to stop. 19 00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,108 Please. 20 00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:00,315 This is what he does. 21 00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:03,071 He knows we're tense because we're normal human beings. 22 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,698 My theory, and I'm serious... 23 00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:07,985 ...is that he's got some kind of pervasive developmental disorder... 24 00:01:08,151 --> 00:01:11,280 ...or even undiagnosed atypical autism. 25 00:01:11,446 --> 00:01:14,325 Um, your mike's hot. I know. 26 00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:17,165 Wow. Well, here comes the truck, so-- 27 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:18,453 LANA: Okay, we're in position. 28 00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:22,090 Great, so after we catch him, you can intentionally hurt his feelings. 29 00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:24,843 Okay, first of all-- Hey, can I hold the fake baby? 30 00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:27,255 God. Will you man up, Kimmy Kevlar? 31 00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:28,468 Here we go. 32 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:29,677 Archer, you ready? 33 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:33,765 Hang on, Lana, I'm stacking rocks in order of descending size. 34 00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:35,679 See? Right there, that's-- 35 00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:36,847 [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 36 00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:39,938 Hi, yeah, we broke down and, uh-- 37 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,943 [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 38 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:45,982 Hey! Don't run over us, we have a baby! 39 00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:47,991 Oops. 40 00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:49,197 [WOMAN SHOUTS IN SPANISH] 41 00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:51,987 Arched Not talking to you. 42 00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:54,535 [WOMAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 43 00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:58,373 [GROANING] 44 00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:01,420 I can do this all day! 45 00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:05,505 Since I find repetitive behavior so calming! 46 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,715 Jesus Christ, I'm sorry! 47 00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:10,381 Ow! Apologize to my tinnitus. 48 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:12,845 Now, hands up, Moreno! It's over! 49 00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:15,056 MALORY: What are you--? That's not Moreno. 50 00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:16,344 [TRUCK DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES] 51 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:18,726 I am Moreno. 52 00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:20,311 [GASPS] 53 00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,654 Whoa. 54 00:02:25,854 --> 00:02:27,731 Moreno is a woman. 55 00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,738 No shit. 56 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:38,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 57 00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:08,897 MALORY: I don't understand. 58 00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:11,613 If Moreno had surrendered, how did it go so wrong? 59 00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:14,779 Uh, well, kind of slowly, at first. 60 00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,538 I said slowly. 61 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,826 Whoa, hey, ladies, come on. I know the adrenaline's still pumping... 62 00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:22,790 ...but let's, you know, deescalate the situation. 63 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:25,126 Oh, for-- Deescalate your dick. ARCHER: De-- 64 00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:27,791 Wait. I mean, escalate shutting up. 65 00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:32,464 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 66 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:35,132 Wait, how did you--? Lana, Mexico gets the news. 67 00:03:35,298 --> 00:03:38,142 I think, do you guys, um, las noticias--? 68 00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:40,804 Well, here's some news, now this is happening. 69 00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:43,315 I actually have some thoughts on that. No, you-- 70 00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:47,319 Do, and those thoughts are how about we let senor...ita--? 71 00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:48,524 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 72 00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:52,237 Awesome. Senorita Moreno go with a stern warning... 73 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:56,495 ...if she promises never to do this again, maybe over a drink? 74 00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:57,700 [MAN IN TRUCK SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 75 00:03:57,863 --> 00:04:01,163 Oh, shit, I forgot there's people in there. Cyril, open the door, idiot. 76 00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:04,954 Do not push me, Archer. And do not open that door! 77 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,838 But come on, they gotta be roasting. 78 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:10,467 Well, I'm sorry, but if we let them out, then, boom, they scatter. 79 00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:12,502 Ha-ha-ha. To where? 80 00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:14,512 LANA: Uh, our overburdened health care system? 81 00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:17,015 Ooh, or maybe our tax-funded government schools... 82 00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:19,472 ...for which, spoiler ahead, they don't pay taxes. 83 00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:22,979 How is a Lorax-blowing tree hugger like you anti-immigration? 84 00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:25,516 Because illegal immigration-- Exactly. 85 00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:30,188 I mean, it's not like your ancestors, you know, had papers. 86 00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:33,152 Wow. Yeah. Cyril, I said open the door. 87 00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:35,033 And I said don't push me! 88 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:41,828 And then very, very suddenly. 89 00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:46,746 Because I couldn't hear you over the sound of now I'm punching you! 90 00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:49,631 LANA: Damn it, Archer, let him-- Oops. 91 00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,833 Lana! Have you lost your mind? 92 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,047 No, just my temper. 93 00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:55,133 Now, open the goddamn door. 94 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:58,265 And, Senorita Moreno, you are free to go. 95 00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:01,552 Although the appropriate thing would be to buy me a thank-you drink. 96 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,186 Um... What are you doing? 97 00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:06,565 What are you doing? You almost killed Lana. 98 00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:07,940 No, see? She's fine. 99 00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:10,397 She's not fine. She's at least got a concussion. 100 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:13,564 So? You get like six freebies. No, you don't! 101 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,403 Yes, you do, Cyril. Now put it down. 102 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:17,112 You put it down. It's over. 103 00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:21,200 We are turning Moreno over to the Border Patrol and taking Lana to a hospital. 104 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:22,410 Can't let you do that. 105 00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:25,246 The first part. Hospital is probably a good idea. 106 00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:27,581 We'll see what your mother has to say about it. 107 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:29,917 Do not call her. I swear to God, I'll-- 108 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,923 Wait, hang on, are you wearing Kevlar? 109 00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:33,925 Yeah, because I'm not an id-- Oh, no. 110 00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:35,131 [GUNSHOTS] 111 00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,588 Sorry, I know that hurt. 112 00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:42,430 Uh... There, just like The Defiant Ones. 113 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:45,766 Now, then, I believe there was some mention of a thank-you drink? 114 00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:50,063 So just so I'm clear, you expect me to believe... 115 00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:53,820 ...that Sterling beat both of you up then shot Cyril? 116 00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:56,448 Uh... Come on, for some haggard Mexican? 117 00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:59,155 I wouldn't really describe her as haggard. I would. 118 00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:01,365 Of course you would. But-- Shut up. 119 00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:04,407 --Tempers were kind of high about the illegals in the truck. 120 00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:06,246 Oh, who cares about them? Not Lana. 121 00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:08,206 Still, though, it doesn't-- 122 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,460 [PAPER SHREDDER WHIRRING] 123 00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,041 Do you mind? 124 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:16,802 Yeah, it's the most stupidest boring job in the whole stupid boring world! 125 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,588 But you insist that we do it. 126 00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:21,427 Not right this second! 127 00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:25,015 Uh, remind me, Pam, when did Ms. Archer say she wanted us to shred this crap? 128 00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:26,769 You did say right this second. 129 00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:28,305 I said it on Tuesday! 130 00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:30,314 Well? Well what? 131 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,233 I actually don't have a follow-up. 132 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,441 Speaking of, I bet a Mexican would do this for a buck an hour. 133 00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,151 Those documents are top secret. 134 00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:38,440 You let Pam do it. 135 00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:42,111 Okay, dicknuts, I'm just saying they work hard as hell, and they work cheap. 136 00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:44,780 Cheap because they don't pay taxes. Thank you. 137 00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:49,201 And when did you work with Mexicans? Where do you think milk comes from? 138 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:52,253 PAM: How's it hanging, Jorge? Bien, Ms. Pam. 139 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,755 How are you? 140 00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:57,134 Yeah, I think you're ready. 141 00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,761 Milk comes from Mexicans? 142 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:02,343 Oh, my God, what's cereal made from? 143 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:05,099 Thank you. Labor of love. 144 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,556 Well? Then what? I suppose next you'll tell me... 145 00:07:07,719 --> 00:07:10,723 ...Sterling drove off in the truck with this Mexican woman? 146 00:07:10,889 --> 00:07:12,983 Uh, no. Because if you will recall... 147 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,691 ...Archer shot out the engine block. 148 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:20,278 And I don't think she was the only one he drove off with. 149 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,488 So where did they all go? And how? 150 00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:23,823 Who the hell knows where? 151 00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:27,455 Although we do have a working theory on how. 152 00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:34,129 Hey, I'm serious, if I have to pull this car over... 153 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:35,709 ...you will regret it! 154 00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:39,547 So share the goddamn Doritos! 155 00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:42,838 Yeah, looking right at you, Lupe. 156 00:07:48,259 --> 00:07:51,058 BILBO: You want me to look for what? MALORY: A station wagon. 157 00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,895 Clean the impending massive heart attack out of your ears. 158 00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:56,560 A station wagon. In all of Texas? 159 00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:59,980 Yeah, or Arizona, Mexico, New Mexico. 160 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:02,114 Oh, my God. You just got that. 161 00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:04,822 Okay, but that's gonna be kind of a needle in a-- 162 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,238 Hey, is that it? CYRIL: Where? 163 00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:08,906 No, that's not it. BILBO: Is that it'? 164 00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:12,417 LANA: No, it was-- BILBO: Is that it? Oh, is that it? Or is it that? 165 00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:13,872 Is that it? Is that it? 166 00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:15,912 All right, point-- Wait, wait, wait. 167 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:17,376 Is that it? Point taken! 168 00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:19,257 Hey, you know what? 169 00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:24,047 Swear to God, you people make me wanna pump nerve gas through the vents. 170 00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:27,762 KRIEGER [OVER INTERCOM]: Just say the word. Krieger! No! Or nein or whatever. 171 00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:30,473 And how the hell is this our fault? 172 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:32,595 [GROANING] 173 00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:33,809 [KRIEGER LAUGHING] 174 00:08:33,972 --> 00:08:36,191 KREGER: She slapped you so hard, you died. 175 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:37,771 No, I think I'm really dying. 176 00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:38,935 [KRIEGER LAUGHS] 177 00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:40,479 KRIEGER: I know. 178 00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:41,942 Hey, there's Archer. 179 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,784 Oh, God! 180 00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:47,785 [GROANING] 181 00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:51,327 Whoever that was, I'm serious, I'm pretty sure you've got Giardia. 182 00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:55,619 I'm serious, please, thank you, but we need to get back into Mexico. 183 00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,002 [ALL MUTTERING IN SPANISH] 184 00:08:57,162 --> 00:08:58,584 [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 185 00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,795 What the hell kind of plan is this? 186 00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:03,631 I don't know if I'd call it a plan. No one would. 187 00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:06,467 We can't drive around Texas. What about the Border Patrol? 188 00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:08,131 The what? 189 00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:09,424 [GROANS] 190 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:12,719 What in the hell? 191 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,438 Ten-eighty. We got a 10-80. 192 00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:20,727 Neat. 193 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,157 [SHOUTING IN SPANISH] 194 00:09:25,315 --> 00:09:27,818 Will you--? I'm really starting to regret helping you. 195 00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:29,736 Well, this is the opposite of help! 196 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:32,326 Which no one asked you for anyway. 197 00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:33,991 That's what makes it so noble! 198 00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:36,626 [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 199 00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:38,791 ARCHER: Goddamn it! 200 00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,421 Chuy, I don't have autism! 201 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:43,174 I thought if I let you go, you'd at least blow me. 202 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,709 [SHOUTING IN SPANISH] 203 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,842 You think I'm some kind of a whore? 204 00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:53,055 No, but-- Chuy, back me up here, was there not, like, a cock-hungry vibe? 205 00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,767 MORENO: Ugh! Driver. Driver! Driver! 206 00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,272 Hey, guys. How are you? 207 00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,649 Can you escort us to a hospital? 208 00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:02,561 I bet at least three of these women are about to give birth. 209 00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:03,819 [SHOTGUN COCKS] 210 00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:07,608 ARCHER: Okay, okay, I'm pulling over. 211 00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:08,946 RED: We're 10-50! We're-- 212 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,494 ARCHER: What the shit? 213 00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:16,874 Who did that? 214 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,462 [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 215 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:25,671 Oh, plus, you are just covered in polvo Dorito. 216 00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:27,711 Diés mio, don't kill them. 217 00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:30,255 What? God, what kind of person do you think I am? 218 00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:32,389 I really think you might be insane. 219 00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:34,051 That was more of a rhetorical-- 220 00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:36,720 But I also think that you make a big risk... 221 00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:40,265 ...to help some poor people who just want a better life for their family. 222 00:10:40,431 --> 00:10:45,187 And that, to me, is muy admirable. 223 00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:52,197 See? I knew you wanted to blow-- 224 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:53,657 [GUNSHOTS] 225 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,538 Sorry, that was inappropriate. 226 00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:57,074 Although so was the response. 227 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,038 Drop the weapon! Drop it! 228 00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:01,544 Here. MORENO: You are crazy. 229 00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,250 They'll kill us. Uh-uh. Empty. 230 00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:05,086 Wh--? RED: Last warning! 231 00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:08,377 ARCHER: Those are .357 Ruger Sixes. 232 00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:10,716 They each fired six. How did you count them? 233 00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:12,756 I'm just super good at that. 234 00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:15,550 Oh, my God, maybe I am autistic. Ow. 235 00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:18,140 Okay, you dirty-ass beaner, that's it. 236 00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:19,350 [GUNS CLICKING] 237 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:20,896 [MORENO SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 238 00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:24,935 Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of... 239 00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:27,274 [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 240 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,430 Urn, if I could I'd like to take this 241 00:11:31,443 --> 00:11:34,195 opportunity to apologize for that racial slur. 242 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:38,410 What about the racial profiling, huh? Whatever happened to the probable cause? 243 00:11:38,573 --> 00:11:41,122 Our probable cause is the border. 244 00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:43,457 Which we protect from terrorists? 245 00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,668 Look, we're just doing our job here. 246 00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:49,380 Shittily. Two-for-12 at that distance? Ugh. 247 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,717 Although, two does seem like plenty. 248 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,631 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 249 00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:56,891 Really? You learn that in med school? 250 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,553 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 251 00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:03,474 But quit hogging the beads. I'm sure Marisol and Paz wanna pray. 252 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,812 And these people aren't-- 253 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:08,148 I mean, not to sound racist, but we all know who the terrorists are. 254 00:12:08,311 --> 00:12:09,608 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 255 00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,657 Lupe. Come on, you're in America now, you just imply it. 256 00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:13,941 Hey, let us go. 257 00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:16,657 You got our first aid kit, the radio out of the truck... 258 00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:20,449 ...so you can monitor the police band-- And not to sound racist again... 259 00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:23,664 ...but how many Mexicans does it take to hook up a car stereo? 260 00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:24,827 MORENO: Hey! ARCHER: Well? 261 00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:26,416 Well what? 262 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:30,834 Don't actually have a follow-up. But seriously, Chuy, qué the hell pasa? 263 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:35,471 I don't know, the police band is working, but now the eight-track is: 264 00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:38,304 Why would we need the eight-track? 265 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,810 Oh, my God, that can't be good. 266 00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:44,522 We go to the hospital now! You two, get your ass off the car! 267 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:46,149 You can't just leave us here. 268 00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:48,309 We're 20 miles away from our last call-in. 269 00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:50,524 We'll die out here. 270 00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:52,860 Oh, goddamn it. 271 00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:54,615 [FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO] 272 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:58,779 ARCHER: I'm, uh, actually gonna take that back. 273 00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:00,913 I'm glad you took the time to fix it. 274 00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:04,042 Eight-track was the way to go. 275 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,668 [COUGHING] 276 00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,621 Oh, God. 277 00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:20,550 What do you mean, "Way to go"? Which you clearly said sarcastically. 278 00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:22,264 I mean, thanks to you... 279 00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:24,725 ...now there might not be any reward money... 280 00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:27,561 ...which I had earmarked for vital operations. 281 00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:28,771 [GASPS] 282 00:13:28,933 --> 00:13:30,560 You were gonna redo your office. 283 00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:36,154 Picture it all sort of pan-Asian mod and the carpet just a sea of white. 284 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:40,412 But now I'm stuck with cat-puke green because you couldn't control Sterling. 285 00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:44,074 Since when is babysitting Archer my jo--? Oh, my God, that's exactly my job. 286 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,117 Which, to belabor the point, you failed. 287 00:13:46,284 --> 00:13:49,254 Now he's run off with this old Mexican woman to who knows where. 288 00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:50,629 [CYRIL GROANS] 289 00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:53,587 Ew. Put a shirt on. What is wrong with you? 290 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:55,798 Archer is what is wrong with me. 291 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,759 And not that I care at all, but have you tried calling him? 292 00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:01,094 Please, with those idiot voicemails? 293 00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:03,430 Ugh. Although it couldn't hurt. 294 00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:05,432 [SIGHS] 295 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,393 [CELL PHONE BUZZING] 296 00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:08,807 ARCHER: Hang on, I should get that. 297 00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:11,772 MORENO: Now? Really? ARCHER: Trust me, if you knew my mother. 298 00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:13,607 Please, if you knew mine. 299 00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:15,613 But you should not be talking right now. 300 00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:17,445 And he really shouldn't be drinking. 301 00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:20,110 Oh, really? You learn that in med school? 302 00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:23,155 That you obviously didn't get into? 303 00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:26,745 I'm sorry, veterinarian, I'm in a lot of pain. 304 00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:28,535 I don't even know how you're alive. 305 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,295 Well, I'm very strong and also very drunk. 306 00:14:31,454 --> 00:14:34,458 Which, paging Dr. D.T. McShakyhands. 307 00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:37,252 Seriously, get your shit together. 308 00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:40,092 Mother. Listen, I'm sorry, I take... 309 00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:42,222 ...equal responsibility with Lana. Wh--? 310 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,976 But-- Ow! Come on, Katy Hepburn! 311 00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:49,810 The stupid Border Patrol shot me twice, and I could really use a medevac chopper. 312 00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:53,772 I'm kind of near-- Hey, guys, where are--? 313 00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:55,812 Goddamn it, man, pace yourself! 314 00:14:55,978 --> 00:14:58,026 MALORY: See? They just get more and more elaborate... 315 00:14:58,189 --> 00:15:01,113 ...and then it's, ha-ha, beep, and then somehow Pm the idiot. 316 00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:04,905 What? No, no, no, Mother, this isn't a voice-mail. 317 00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:07,915 Well, I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere, but-- Ow! 318 00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:09,121 [HICCUPS] 319 00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:10,626 That ought to do it. 320 00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:12,082 [ALL MUTTERING IN SPANISH] 321 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:15,256 And to you, doctor. You truly have the gift of healing. 322 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,918 Boy, I wish you'd tell that to the licensing board. 323 00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,677 You don't even have a vet license? 324 00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:22,555 Thanks to one petty local politician. 325 00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:24,590 And one petty barn full of dead horses. 326 00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:27,101 Will you shut up and stitch me up? 327 00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:35,022 Although if that wasn't a prank, and the Border Patrol did shoot him-- 328 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,606 [BOTH LAUGH] 329 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:37,816 [IN UNISON] Inappropriate. 330 00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:40,528 Oh, he just has to ruin everything. 331 00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:42,863 Yeah, so watch out for dehydration. 332 00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:44,618 Thank you, doctor, we will. 333 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,654 And also for internal bleeding. 334 00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:47,947 We will. And sepsis. 335 00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:49,161 We-- And MRSA. 336 00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:51,325 Probably not a bad idea to get him tested... 337 00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:52,960 ...for feline AIDS. ARCHER: We get it! 338 00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:54,462 Now, can we go already? 339 00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:56,042 He said in agony... 340 00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:59,505 ...because the unlicensed vet drank all his tequila. 341 00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,340 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 342 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,884 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 343 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,344 Now go! 344 00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:07,349 Thank you, doctor. Don't thank me. 345 00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:09,727 Seriously, I probably did more harm than good. 346 00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:14,357 So if there's any way to get to one, a medevac chopper wouldn't kill him. 347 00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:20,571 Unless he got flung up into the blades somehow. 348 00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:23,199 Yeah, that'd do it. 349 00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:24,574 MALORY: That will do, thank you. 350 00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:27,408 L-- Wait, but two Border Patrol agents are missing... 351 00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,914 ...Archer's missing, and you want us to do nothing? 352 00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,790 Yes, just like you've done up to now. 353 00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:34,623 Malory, we-- But thank you both for all that you did do. 354 00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:36,412 Which, again, was nothing. 355 00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:39,002 Nothing? I got shot. 356 00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:41,042 Any idiot can get shot, Cyril. 357 00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:42,256 Ask Brett! 358 00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:45,217 Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to make some calls... 359 00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:49,555 ...to see if I can get my son out of this mess. 360 00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:50,934 [PAM LAUGHING] 361 00:16:51,093 --> 00:16:53,516 How's it hanging, Grimace? Ow! 362 00:16:53,930 --> 00:16:55,182 CYRIL: Why? 363 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:56,895 Why is the A.C. on? 364 00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:59,106 That's not the A.C., it's the heat. 365 00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:00,815 Then why is it so cold? 366 00:17:00,978 --> 00:17:02,025 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 367 00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:03,735 Really doubt I'm going to heaven. 368 00:17:03,898 --> 00:17:06,242 Well, dying-- MORENO: No, he's not! 369 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,329 Well, you say that... 370 00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:13,037 We'll never make it in time in this crappy car. 371 00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:14,325 You need a helicopter. 372 00:17:14,492 --> 00:17:20,124 Yeah, I don't know if you heard, but I don't have access to a helicopter. 373 00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:21,290 They do. 374 00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:23,801 Come on, we're in enough trouble already. 375 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,462 MORENO: With who? RED: Damn it. 376 00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:28,131 You call headquarters, you say an innocent Amer-- 377 00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:30,800 Republican was shot in a gunfight with some illegals. 378 00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:34,096 Wh--? No, that'll just make you people look worse. 379 00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:37,937 No, not worse as in-- Okay, screw you guys, you know what I meant. 380 00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:41,694 But if they call this in, you'll-- We will be far away by then. 381 00:17:41,852 --> 00:17:45,573 And besides, what kind of car will the Border Patrol be looking for? 382 00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:51,113 A ridiculous low-rider truck with fender flares and louvers and shit? 383 00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:52,326 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 384 00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:55,833 And so, Mr. Archer, I'm afraid for us, this is adiés. 385 00:17:55,992 --> 00:18:00,213 Adiés? Not hasta pronto or--? 386 00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:07,838 Huh. So, uh, I'm guessing that's a no posible on the blowjob? 387 00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:09,221 [MORENO CHUCKLES] 388 00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,633 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 389 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:19,016 Well, if that ain't a big load of shit. Turns out he's some kind of spook. 390 00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:20,728 Dude, phrasing. 391 00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:22,108 He's right here. 392 00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:25,147 Hey. Don't listen to him, you're beautiful. 393 00:18:25,313 --> 00:18:28,943 As is whatever you're doing with the morphine-wise. 394 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:32,453 Keep that coming. That was my boss's boss's boss. 395 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:35,456 He says your ass gets total immunity. Ha-ha-ha. 396 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:42,373 For helping the most notorious coyote in todo Mexico, Mercedes Moreno? 397 00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:44,211 Mercedes? Vroom! 398 00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:46,876 Shit, she must be her daughter. 399 00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:48,716 Wait, whose daughter? 400 00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:51,472 Maria Moreno, dumb-ass. 401 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,599 She's who we're after. 402 00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:56,728 I bet she smuggles in a thousand of them son of bitches a year. 403 00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:59,309 But word on the street is now she's expanding. 404 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,726 She's gonna start bringing them in in convoys. 405 00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:04,314 And blow me if we can catch her. 406 00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:05,569 Mm. Mm-mmm. 407 00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:09,403 But if Mercedes isn't--? Then why would--? 408 00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:12,409 But-- Oh, hang on a sec. 409 00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:14,070 "Dear Sterling... 410 00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:17,206 ...you probably should not be reading this out loud--" 411 00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:19,191 MORENO: Because hopefully you are with the 412 00:19:19,204 --> 00:19:21,040 Border Patrol on the way to a real hospital. 413 00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:22,749 Fm so sorry you got shot. 414 00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:26,633 And I don't know how to tell you this, but we did not meet by accident. 415 00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:29,044 We knew you would be there, Sterling. 416 00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,258 [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 417 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,425 We knew your strengths, and we also knew-- 418 00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:40,142 Well, one of your many, many weaknesses. 419 00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:42,102 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 420 00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:43,899 Mwah. 421 00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:46,277 And then-- Well, you know the rest. 422 00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:47,778 What the--? 423 00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:48,984 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 424 00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:52,025 [MORENO SPEAKING IN SPANISH] 425 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,825 But who--? Oh, hang on, there's a-- 426 00:19:56,987 --> 00:20:00,116 MORENO: PS, and as for who-- Wait, hang on. 427 00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,580 Oh, Lupe says she will be praying for you. 428 00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:05,997 And as for who, I hate to be the one to tell you this... 429 00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:08,666 ...but maybe you know someone who values money-- 430 00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:10,710 Oh, my... 431 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,007 ...mother. 432 00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:14,968 MORENO: --more than their so-catted principles. 433 00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:17,801 MALORY: So, what do you care if it's in pesos? 434 00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:23,231 Well, actually, no, I was, but then I thought, white carpet? 435 00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:26,768 Because you wouldn't believe what goes on around-- 436 00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:28,106 What are you doing? 437 00:20:28,269 --> 00:20:31,022 What? Nothing. I'm just a hologram. 438 00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:33,031 [MAKES BUZZING NOISES] 439 00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:36,152 [SIGHS] 440 00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:38,787 Anyhoo... 440 00:20:39,305 --> 00:20:45,669 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org