MALORY: Now, tell me exactly what happened.
[LANA SIGHS]
LANA: You, through some shady deal with the Border Patrol...
...sent us to South Texas to capture an individual named Moreno.
Mexico's most notorious coyote.
Which is Espanol for people smuggler.
Thanks, thaws-- And also for coyote, it turns out.
Archer- It's a loanword. Or is it a calque?
Why do you always do this? Because I'm always bored.
Is he--? Ugh, this is totally nerve-racking.
How are you bored?
Don't engage him. I've been lying in scorpion piss for two hours...
...in the sunblasted shithole which is Texas...
...waiting for a stupid truck stuffed with smallish brown people...
...who just want a job.
CYRIL: And probably Mexican cartel gunmen. LANA: What'd I just say?
Big whoop, I'm spooning a Barrett .50 cal. I could kill a building.
LANA: Just put one through the engine block when the truck has to stop.
Please.
This is what he does.
He knows we're tense because we're normal human beings.
My theory, and I'm serious...
...is that he's got some kind of pervasive developmental disorder...
...or even undiagnosed atypical autism.
Um, your mike's hot. I know.
Wow. Well, here comes the truck, so--
LANA: Okay, we're in position.
Great, so after we catch him, you can intentionally hurt his feelings.
Okay, first of all-- Hey, can I hold the fake baby?
God. Will you man up, Kimmy Kevlar?
Here we go.
Archer, you ready?
Hang on, Lana, I'm stacking rocks in order of descending size.
See? Right there, that's--
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Hi, yeah, we broke down and, uh--
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Hey! Don't run over us, we have a baby!
Oops.
[WOMAN SHOUTS IN SPANISH]
Arched Not talking to you.
[WOMAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
[GROANING]
I can do this all day!
Since I find repetitive behavior so calming!
Jesus Christ, I'm sorry!
Ow! Apologize to my tinnitus.
Now, hands up, Moreno! It's over!
MALORY: What are you--? That's not Moreno.
[TRUCK DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]
I am Moreno.
[GASPS]
Whoa.
Moreno is a woman.
No shit.
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MALORY: I don't understand.
If Moreno had surrendered, how did it go so wrong?
Uh, well, kind of slowly, at first.
I said slowly.
Whoa, hey, ladies, come on. I know the adrenaline's still pumping...
...but let's, you know, deescalate the situation.
Oh, for-- Deescalate your dick. ARCHER: De--
Wait. I mean, escalate shutting up.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Wait, how did you--? Lana, Mexico gets the news.
I think, do you guys, um, las noticias--?
Well, here's some news, now this is happening.
I actually have some thoughts on that. No, you--
Do, and those thoughts are how about we let senor...ita--?
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Awesome. Senorita Moreno go with a stern warning...
...if she promises never to do this again, maybe over a drink?
[MAN IN TRUCK SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Oh, shit, I forgot there's people in there. Cyril, open the door, idiot.
Do not push me, Archer. And do not open that door!
But come on, they gotta be roasting.
Well, I'm sorry, but if we let them out, then, boom, they scatter.
Ha-ha-ha. To where?
LANA: Uh, our overburdened health care system?
Ooh, or maybe our tax-funded government schools...
...for which, spoiler ahead, they don't pay taxes.
How is a Lorax-blowing tree hugger like you anti-immigration?
Because illegal immigration-- Exactly.
I mean, it's not like your ancestors, you know, had papers.
Wow. Yeah. Cyril, I said open the door.
And I said don't push me!
And then very, very suddenly.
Because I couldn't hear you over the sound of now I'm punching you!
LANA: Damn it, Archer, let him-- Oops.
Lana! Have you lost your mind?
No, just my temper.
Now, open the goddamn door.
And, Senorita Moreno, you are free to go.
Although the appropriate thing would be to buy me a thank-you drink.
Um... What are you doing?
You almost killed Lana.
No, see? She's fine.
She's not fine. She's at least got a concussion.
So? You get like six freebies. No, you don't!
Yes, you do, Cyril. Now put it down.
You put it down. It's over.
We are turning Moreno over to the Border Patrol and taking Lana to a hospital.
Can't let you do that.
The first part. Hospital is probably a good idea.
We'll see what your mother has to say about it.
Do not call her. I swear to God, I'll--
Wait, hang on, are you wearing Kevlar?
Yeah, because I'm not an id-- Oh, no.
[GUNSHOTS]
Sorry, I know that hurt.
Uh... There, just like The Defiant Ones.
Now, then, I believe there was some mention of a thank-you drink?
So just so I'm clear, you expect me to believe...
...that Sterling beat both of you up then shot Cyril?
Uh... Come on, for some haggard Mexican?
I wouldn't really describe her as haggard. I would.
Of course you would. But-- Shut up.
--Tempers were kind of high about the illegals in the truck.
Oh, who cares about them? Not Lana.
Still, though, it doesn't--
[PAPER SHREDDER WHIRRING]
Do you mind?
Yeah, it's the most stupidest boring job in the whole stupid boring world!
But you insist that we do it.
Not right this second!
Uh, remind me, Pam, when did Ms. Archer say she wanted us to shred this crap?
You did say right this second.
I said it on Tuesday!
Well? Well what?
I actually don't have a follow-up.
Speaking of, I bet a Mexican would do this for a buck an hour.
Those documents are top secret.
You let Pam do it.
Okay, dicknuts, I'm just saying they work hard as hell, and they work cheap.
Cheap because they don't pay taxes. Thank you.
And when did you work with Mexicans? Where do you think milk comes from?
PAM: How's it hanging, Jorge? Bien, Ms. Pam.
How are you?
Yeah, I think you're ready.
Milk comes from Mexicans?
Oh, my God, what's cereal made from?
Thank you. Labor of love.
Well? Then what? I suppose next you'll tell me...
...Sterling drove off in the truck with this Mexican woman?
Uh, no. Because if you will recall...
...Archer shot out the engine block.
And I don't think she was the only one he drove off with.
So where did they all go? And how?
Who the hell knows where?
Although we do have a working theory on how.
Hey, I'm serious, if I have to pull this car over...
...you will regret it!
So share the goddamn Doritos!
Yeah, looking right at you, Lupe.
BILBO: You want me to look for what? MALORY: A station wagon.
Clean the impending massive heart attack out of your ears.
A station wagon. In all of Texas?
Yeah, or Arizona, Mexico, New Mexico.
Oh, my God. You just got that.
Okay, but that's gonna be kind of a needle in a--
Hey, is that it? CYRIL: Where?
No, that's not it. BILBO: Is that it'?
LANA: No, it was-- BILBO: Is that it? Oh, is that it? Or is it that?
Is that it? Is that it?
All right, point-- Wait, wait, wait.
Is that it? Point taken!
Hey, you know what?
Swear to God, you people make me wanna pump nerve gas through the vents.
KRIEGER [OVER INTERCOM]: Just say the word. Krieger! No! Or nein or whatever.
And how the hell is this our fault?
[GROANING]
[KRIEGER LAUGHING]
KREGER: She slapped you so hard, you died.
No, I think I'm really dying.
[KRIEGER LAUGHS]
KRIEGER: I know.
Hey, there's Archer.
Oh, God!
[GROANING]
Whoever that was, I'm serious, I'm pretty sure you've got Giardia.
I'm serious, please, thank you, but we need to get back into Mexico.
[ALL MUTTERING IN SPANISH]
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
What the hell kind of plan is this?
I don't know if I'd call it a plan. No one would.
We can't drive around Texas. What about the Border Patrol?
The what?
[GROANS]
What in the hell?
Ten-eighty. We got a 10-80.
Neat.
[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]
Will you--? I'm really starting to regret helping you.
Well, this is the opposite of help!
Which no one asked you for anyway.
That's what makes it so noble!
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
ARCHER: Goddamn it!
Chuy, I don't have autism!
I thought if I let you go, you'd at least blow me.
[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]
You think I'm some kind of a whore?
No, but-- Chuy, back me up here, was there not, like, a cock-hungry vibe?
MORENO: Ugh! Driver. Driver! Driver!
Hey, guys. How are you?
Can you escort us to a hospital?
I bet at least three of these women are about to give birth.
[SHOTGUN COCKS]
ARCHER: Okay, okay, I'm pulling over.
RED: We're 10-50! We're--
ARCHER: What the shit?
Who did that?
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Oh, plus, you are just covered in polvo Dorito.
Diés mio, don't kill them.
What? God, what kind of person do you think I am?
I really think you might be insane.
That was more of a rhetorical--
But I also think that you make a big risk...
...to help some poor people who just want a better life for their family.
And that, to me, is muy admirable.
See? I knew you wanted to blow--
[GUNSHOTS]
Sorry, that was inappropriate.
Although so was the response.
Drop the weapon! Drop it!
Here. MORENO: You are crazy.
They'll kill us. Uh-uh. Empty.
Wh--? RED: Last warning!
ARCHER: Those are .357 Ruger Sixes.
They each fired six. How did you count them?
I'm just super good at that.
Oh, my God, maybe I am autistic. Ow.
Okay, you dirty-ass beaner, that's it.
[GUNS CLICKING]
[MORENO SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of...
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Urn, if I could I'd like to take this
opportunity to apologize for that racial slur.
What about the racial profiling, huh? Whatever happened to the probable cause?
Our probable cause is the border.
Which we protect from terrorists?
Look, we're just doing our job here.
Shittily. Two-for-12 at that distance? Ugh.
Although, two does seem like plenty.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Really? You learn that in med school?
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
But quit hogging the beads. I'm sure Marisol and Paz wanna pray.
And these people aren't--
I mean, not to sound racist, but we all know who the terrorists are.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Lupe. Come on, you're in America now, you just imply it.
Hey, let us go.
You got our first aid kit, the radio out of the truck...
...so you can monitor the police band-- And not to sound racist again...
...but how many Mexicans does it take to hook up a car stereo?
MORENO: Hey! ARCHER: Well?
Well what?
Don't actually have a follow-up. But seriously, Chuy, qué the hell pasa?
I don't know, the police band is working, but now the eight-track is:
Why would we need the eight-track?
Oh, my God, that can't be good.
We go to the hospital now! You two, get your ass off the car!
You can't just leave us here.
We're 20 miles away from our last call-in.
We'll die out here.
Oh, goddamn it.
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO]
ARCHER: I'm, uh, actually gonna take that back.
I'm glad you took the time to fix it.
Eight-track was the way to go.
[COUGHING]
Oh, God.
What do you mean, "Way to go"? Which you clearly said sarcastically.
I mean, thanks to you...
...now there might not be any reward money...
...which I had earmarked for vital operations.
[GASPS]
You were gonna redo your office.
Picture it all sort of pan-Asian mod and the carpet just a sea of white.
But now I'm stuck with cat-puke green because you couldn't control Sterling.
Since when is babysitting Archer my jo--? Oh, my God, that's exactly my job.
Which, to belabor the point, you failed.
Now he's run off with this old Mexican woman to who knows where.
[CYRIL GROANS]
Ew. Put a shirt on. What is wrong with you?
Archer is what is wrong with me.
And not that I care at all, but have you tried calling him?
Please, with those idiot voicemails?
Ugh. Although it couldn't hurt.
[SIGHS]
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
ARCHER: Hang on, I should get that.
MORENO: Now? Really? ARCHER: Trust me, if you knew my mother.
Please, if you knew mine.
But you should not be talking right now.
And he really shouldn't be drinking.
Oh, really? You learn that in med school?
That you obviously didn't get into?
I'm sorry, veterinarian, I'm in a lot of pain.
I don't even know how you're alive.
Well, I'm very strong and also very drunk.
Which, paging Dr. D.T. McShakyhands.
Seriously, get your shit together.
Mother. Listen, I'm sorry, I take...
...equal responsibility with Lana. Wh--?
But-- Ow! Come on, Katy Hepburn!
The stupid Border Patrol shot me twice, and I could really use a medevac chopper.
I'm kind of near-- Hey, guys, where are--?
Goddamn it, man, pace yourself!
MALORY: See? They just get more and more elaborate...
...and then it's, ha-ha, beep, and then somehow Pm the idiot.
What? No, no, no, Mother, this isn't a voice-mail.
Well, I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere, but-- Ow!
[HICCUPS]
That ought to do it.
[ALL MUTTERING IN SPANISH]
And to you, doctor. You truly have the gift of healing.
Boy, I wish you'd tell that to the licensing board.
You don't even have a vet license?
Thanks to one petty local politician.
And one petty barn full of dead horses.
Will you shut up and stitch me up?
Although if that wasn't a prank, and the Border Patrol did shoot him--
[BOTH LAUGH]
[IN UNISON] Inappropriate.
Oh, he just has to ruin everything.
Yeah, so watch out for dehydration.
Thank you, doctor, we will.
And also for internal bleeding.
We will. And sepsis.
We-- And MRSA.
Probably not a bad idea to get him tested...
...for feline AIDS. ARCHER: We get it!
Now, can we go already?
He said in agony...
...because the unlicensed vet drank all his tequila.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Now go!
Thank you, doctor. Don't thank me.
Seriously, I probably did more harm than good.
So if there's any way to get to one, a medevac chopper wouldn't kill him.
Unless he got flung up into the blades somehow.
Yeah, that'd do it.
MALORY: That will do, thank you.
L-- Wait, but two Border Patrol agents are missing...
...Archer's missing, and you want us to do nothing?
Yes, just like you've done up to now.
Malory, we-- But thank you both for all that you did do.
Which, again, was nothing.
Nothing? I got shot.
Any idiot can get shot, Cyril.
Ask Brett!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to make some calls...
...to see if I can get my son out of this mess.
[PAM LAUGHING]
How's it hanging, Grimace? Ow!
CYRIL: Why?
Why is the A.C. on?
That's not the A.C., it's the heat.
Then why is it so cold?
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Really doubt I'm going to heaven.
Well, dying-- MORENO: No, he's not!
Well, you say that...
We'll never make it in time in this crappy car.
You need a helicopter.
Yeah, I don't know if you heard, but I don't have access to a helicopter.
They do.
Come on, we're in enough trouble already.
MORENO: With who? RED: Damn it.
You call headquarters, you say an innocent Amer--
Republican was shot in a gunfight with some illegals.
Wh--? No, that'll just make you people look worse.
No, not worse as in-- Okay, screw you guys, you know what I meant.
But if they call this in, you'll-- We will be far away by then.
And besides, what kind of car will the Border Patrol be looking for?
A ridiculous low-rider truck with fender flares and louvers and shit?
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
And so, Mr. Archer, I'm afraid for us, this is adiés.
Adiés? Not hasta pronto or--?
Huh. So, uh, I'm guessing that's a no posible on the blowjob?
[MORENO CHUCKLES]
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Well, if that ain't a big load of shit. Turns out he's some kind of spook.
Dude, phrasing.
He's right here.
Hey. Don't listen to him, you're beautiful.
As is whatever you're doing with the morphine-wise.
Keep that coming. That was my boss's boss's boss.
He says your ass gets total immunity. Ha-ha-ha.
For helping the most notorious coyote in todo Mexico, Mercedes Moreno?
Mercedes? Vroom!
Shit, she must be her daughter.
Wait, whose daughter?
Maria Moreno, dumb-ass.
She's who we're after.
I bet she smuggles in a thousand of them son of bitches a year.
But word on the street is now she's expanding.
She's gonna start bringing them in in convoys.
And blow me if we can catch her.
Mm. Mm-mmm.
But if Mercedes isn't--? Then why would--?
But-- Oh, hang on a sec.
"Dear Sterling...
...you probably should not be reading this out loud--"
MORENO: Because hopefully you are with the
Border Patrol on the way to a real hospital.
Fm so sorry you got shot.
And I don't know how to tell you this, but we did not meet by accident.
We knew you would be there, Sterling.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
We knew your strengths, and we also knew--
Well, one of your many, many weaknesses.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Mwah.
And then-- Well, you know the rest.
What the--?
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
[MORENO SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
But who--? Oh, hang on, there's a--
MORENO: PS, and as for who-- Wait, hang on.
Oh, Lupe says she will be praying for you.
And as for who, I hate to be the one to tell you this...
...but maybe you know someone who values money--
Oh, my...
...mother.
MORENO: --more than their so-catted principles.
MALORY: So, what do you care if it's in pesos?
Well, actually, no, I was, but then I thought, white carpet?
Because you wouldn't believe what goes on around--
What are you doing?
What? Nothing. I'm just a hologram.
[MAKES BUZZING NOISES]
[SIGHS]
Anyhoo...
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