No, coordinate with Rome, then get me the lastest intel,
then tell Rodney they need travel docuents an hour ago.
Then bring me the file I asked for!
Yeah, why don't I shove a broom up my ass and sweep the floor while I'm at it?
- What was that? - Nothing.
Good. Saved you the embarrassment of an incredible homophobic remark.
- Ow! - Sorry!
What's going on?
- Where? - Uh, this new place called here?
Nothing.
Malory!
Good luck! She just had an electro--
Electro-magnetic lock installed!
Are you serious?
LANA: Malory! MALORY: Because I'm seriously
asking, did Krieger give you robot hands?
KRIEGER: Not yet! But you just say the word.
LANA: The - [zzrrrzz]
LANA: Out.
MALORY: Can't have anything nice... Krieger!
KRIEGER: Jazz hands!
MALORY: Should've never taken him to see "The Wiz."
LANA: The Broadway show or the movie?
KRIEGER: Jazz hands!
MALORY: Both.
KRIEGER: Jazz hands!
LANA: I -- whatever, look, obviously there's- MALORY: Nothing! Is going on,
Lana! If there were, I would tell you, but- [dooot]
CHERYL/CAROL: Uh, there's a Cardinal Corelli on line one
for you? Something about a radical faction of the Swiss
Guard assassinating the pope tomorrow night?
LANA: You need to get that?
Sync & corrections by honeybunny Resync for WEB-DL by lost0ne www.addic7ed.com
AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday
4x11 The Papal Chase
LANA: Do you. Need to get that.
MALORY: No, I'm sure whoever it is- [dooot]
CHERYL/CAROL (O.S.): It's the Vatican! Line one! Jesus!
CHERYL/CAROL: (gasp) Shit, I hope he didn't hear that.
(gasp) Or that, shit!
MALORY: Just put him through, you idiot!
CHERYL/CAROL (O.S.): Okay,
Jesus! [gasp] Shit... MALORY: Uhhhhh.
Ah ha ha, Giancarlo! Como stai?
CORELLI: Molto meglio, cara mia, now that I see your eyes, your lips, your...
MALORY: Giancarlo! Siete senza vergogna.
CORELLI: And you, are the only woman who ever made me regret
taking the holy orders.
MALORY: And you are the only man who ever made me-
RON CADILLAC: Come oonnn!
I'm right here, ya know!
MALORY: Why?!
RON CADILLAC: Gettin new carpet in my office. Which, speaking of...
MALORY: Ron?!
CORELLI: Malory, you have married?
MALORY: Ehh...
CORELLI: You are a fortunate man, signore.
RON CADILLAC: Ah, blow it out yer cassock.
MALORY: Ron!
CORELLI: Malory. We don't have much time. Your agents of ISIS, they are ready?
LANA: Or they are confused verging on angry?
MALORY: Lana, it's an undercover mission. At the Vatican?
LANA: What, they don't have black nuns? Although granted
I've never seen one. But that's not like, a rule, is it?
CORELLI: Ehh... LANA: Well since you're
not sending me, and I assume you're
not sending Ray...
MALORY: To the Vatican? You think all those Catholic
priests wouldn't peg him- [cough, cough] as American?
With that hillbilly accent?
CORELLI: Malory, I must go now. Please hurry!
LANA: So not Ray, and not me, which leaves... [Gregorian chant]
LANA: [sigh]
ARCHER: In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti, et cetera, et -
LANA: You can't.
No one is gonna believe Archer is a priest.
ARCHER: For your infor- I'm in! Turn it off!
CHERYL/CAROL (O.S.): Okay!
Jesus! [gasp] Shit.
ARCHER: For your information, Lana, I have totally prepared for this mission.
LANA: Well there's a firs- ARCHER: First thing I did was
watch every episode of "Lucy, Daughter of the Devil." Which
by the way, was grossly- LANA: Inadequate preparation,
for an undercover mission protecting the pope from an assassination attempt!
ARCHER: I was gonna say "underrated," but -
LANA: But even if you were prepared- ARCHER: Which I truly feel that I am.
LANA: -- but which you're not, who's your backup if Ray's not going? Cyril?
ARCHER: No... MALORY: No, it turns out Cyril-
CYRIL: Aaagh!
How bout a little warning?!
MALORY: Has a thing. About church stuff.
LANA: Since when?
CYRIL: Since none of your beeswax, and- ARCHER: Bwoohahaahaaa!
CYRIL: Aaagh!
LANA: Well...
CYRIL: And I think I need a spanking, because I have been a very
naughty baaaaagh!
LANA: Guess that explains that. But it doesn't explain
how Archer's gonna run this mission by himself.
MALORY: Well, if you were "confused verging on angry"
before... CYRIL (O.S.): Aaagh!
PAM (O.S.): What?!
PAM: Jesus Christ... Shit. God damn it.
MALORY: Pam!
PAM: What.
LANA: Pam?!
PAM: What?!
ARCHER: Paaaam!
PAM: Whaaat?!
ARCHER: I dunno, what're we doing?
LANA: Esatto! Che cosa stiamo facendo?!
PAM: Aww man, we have to learn Latin?
ARCHER: Ew yeah, that's a dealbreaker.
LANA: You were speaking Latin
when you walked in here -
ARCHER: Mmmmno...
LANA: -- whereas I was just speaking Italian, which neither
of you speak nor even
understand, obviously, so -
ARCHER: So?! Lana, the
assassination plot is being hatched by the Swiss Guard?
LANA: So...?
ARCHER: So it's an eight-hour flight, so we get some tapes
and brush up on our- LANA: Swiss?
ARCHER: Duh?
LANA: Well, since Swiss isn't a language, maybe you should
get some tapes on German, French, Italian and Romansh.
ARCHER: Maybe I will.
MALORY: Alright. Lana pack a bag, you're- ARCHER: No! Mother come on, we
don't need- MALORY: Lana! Is going!
LANA: Ha!
MALORY: And Pam, if you keep your eyes open and your big
mouth shut, you just might learn something from her.
PAM: Ha!
ARCHER: Why are you going ha?!
PAM: I dunno, what're we doing?
LANA: I'll tell you what we should be doing. So, who does
the pope remind you of?
MALORY: Ha!
ARCHER: What.
LANA: Haaa!
ARCHER: Shut up! And you also shut up.
WOODHOUSE: Yessir.
PAM: Haaa!
ARCHER: Why are you still going ha?!
PAM: Pink Panther's on.
Father Guido Sardoochbag?
ARCHER (O.S.): Oh really?
ARCHER: Because she didn't specify an agent in-command,
Lana, so I would argue- LANA (O.S.): With a fence post.
ARCHER: I wouldn't argue with a -- oof! Move, idiot!
PAM: I'm goin as fast as I can!
ARCHER: Not you, the- PAM: The fence post?
LANA (O.S.): Ha!
ARCHER: It was a bollard! And my point was- LANA: Fine! You're agent-in-
command! Now shut up, brief Corelli, and get the access
code to the pope's apartment!
[doot]
ARCHER: I... will, because I command me to.
LANA: And you should eat, this could be a long night, and you're... so teeny.
WOODHOUSE: Hm?
LANA: Seriously, eat, you're like a slow loris.
WOODHOUSE: Oh, no, bit off my feed, I'm afraid.
LANA: Woodhouse, you need to- Oh c'mon, you need to fix?
WOODHOUSE: [whimper]
LANA: Well, is there some amount you can shoot up to get
right for the mission, without gettin all... trainspotty?
WOODHOUSE: Back in a tick!
LANA: Oh for the -- and thanks for making me carry your bag through customs!
WOODHOUSE (O.S.): No, thank you!
ARCHER (O.S.): Grazie.
Grazie mille, vostra... majesty-o?
CORELLI: Your Italian is, how you say, shit?
ARCHER: Then you are not gonna like my Romansh.
CORELLI: Mio dio! You think this is funny?!
ARCHER: I thought that was.
CORELLI: Assassins plan to kill the Holy Father in his own
bed, on this very night, ma tu stai qui con la testa nel culo!
PAM: Whoa whoa, take it down a notch, St. Louis! His head is not up his ass!
ARCHER: How'd you know what he said?
PAM: It was an eight-hour flight.
ARCHER: Wow, did you learn Romansh?
PAM: Who am I, Cypher? The gayest X-man?
ARCHER: I dunno, Gambit looks like he knows his way around a pair of -
CORELLI: Basta! Here is the access card to the Holy
Father's private apartment. I assume you have a plan once inside?
PAM: We call it the old switcheroo.
ARCHER: We absolutely do not call it the old switcheroo.
CORELLI: Mio dio!
LESSER CARDINALS: [gasp]
ARCHER: I know, right? Trope alert!
CORELLI: Che?
PAM: Eh... non si traduce bene.
LANA: Feeling better?
WOODHOUSE: Sound as a pound, my dear.
Where the hell are we?
LANA: Uh, this new place called Italy?
WOODHOUSE: How'd I get all the way downtown?
LANA: Wh-? Not Little Italy!
Italy, Italy!
WOODHOUSE: Bloody hell. What are we doing here?
LANA: Thwarting an assassination attempt on the pope. Using you as a decoy.
WOODHOUSE: Back in a tick!
LANA: With Ken and your weekend weather. And you may need an
umbrella because it's going to be raining.
Dead ass popes.
PAM (O.S.): Aw crap, he's already dead.
ARCHER: No he's not, he's just old. That's how Woodhouse looks
when he's asleep.
PAM: I'm gonna get a mirror.
ARCHER: Right until he wakes and sees me staring at him
with night-vision goggles and literally pisses himself. Hey,
does Woodhouse seem unhappy to you, or -- what the hell're you doing?!
PAM: Gonna see if his breath fogs it up.
ARCHER: Put the stupid mirror back, he's not- PAM: [gasp]
ARCHER: Dead. Nice job, Oliver Cromwell.
PAM: I killed the pope!
ARCHER: Yeah, that's why I said Oliver Crom- PAM: Jesus Christ I'm going to
hell I'm going to hell I'm going to hell I'm- [THWAK! THWAK! THWAK!]
ARCHER: Pam.
PAM: Yes?
ARCHER: Get off the pope.
ARCHER: Heeey, Your Holiness... PAM: Is he dead?!
ARCHER: I dunno, shut up, I'm- PAM: Should I get another
mirror? But like, a much much smaller one?
LANA (O.S.): No, you're half heroin already!
[clunk]
LANA: Okay, here's Junkie Brewster, let's... Where's the pope?
ARCHER: Soo, Here's the thing.
PAM: Promise you won't get mad?
LANA: I -- actually do not promise I won't get mad, because here's what thing?
ARCHER: Um...
LANA: What, why is there a giant mirror on the oh my God
you crushed the pope?!
LANA: Don't just stand there idiots, help me get it off and Pam! Woodhouse!
PAM: Huh? Oh!
WOODHOUSE (O.S.): Oof!
WOODHOUSE (O.S.): Ow!
PAM: Ow! What the -- is that a needle?!
ARCHER: [chuckles]
LANA: Rrrrrgh!
POPE: [gasping]
LANA: Oh thank God!
POPE: Chi siete voi, dove sono le guardie?!
LANA: We're -- Your Holiness, do you speak English?
POPE: Yes, of course, but- ARCHER: Ha! Way to waste your
time learning Italian, Pam!
PAM: Aw, stai zitto, testa di cazzo. And could you...?
WOODHOUSE: Sorry.
POPE: Dio mio! He look just like me!
LANA: Yes, Your Holiness, he's a decoy. We have reason to
believe a faction of the Swiss Guard will make an attempt on
your life tonight, so- ARCHER: So if you don't mind
hopping out of those pope-jamas... LANA: Archer? We'll hide you,
put him in your place, wait for them to come in -
POPE: And then what?! You are only two!
ARCHER: Well three, so- PAM: Better make that two.
Think I mighta grabbed the tail of the dragon here...
WOODHOUSE: Ooh, then you're in for a treat!
ARCHER: Shut up! And with all due respect Your Holiness,
it's the Swiss Guard... I think we can handle a few court jesters
with, whatever, halberds.
LANA: Which, you realize are just ceremonial.
ARCHER: Obviously they're ceremonial, they were made obsolete by the arquebus.
LANA: Which is why now they use MP-5's.
ARCHER: Oh.
LANA: Which is why where's the gear bag with all of our automatic weapons?!
ARCHER: Well I assume in the hotel room, but- LANA: God -
ARCHER: I thought they just had halberds!
LANA: Do you at least have a sidearm?!
ARCHER: It was ruining the lines of my cassock.
LANA: Dammit!
ARCHER: And again, I honestly thought they just had- [rattle rattle]
ARCHER: -- halberds. Although technically I think they're called voulges.
SWISS GUARD (O.S.): Santo Padre! La porta, per favore!
PAM: I got him, just toss him down!
LANA: I'm not tossing the frickin pope!
ARCHER: Somehow this is all your fault.
POPE: Che?
ARCHER: Oh for the-- this is the pope!
LANA: Oh, then WOODHOUSE (O.S.) [yelp]
WOODHOUSE (O.S.): Oof!
PAM: Ow! Oh for shit's sake, already!
ARCHER: [chuckles]
LANA: Archer shut up and find us some- [krunch!]
SWISS GUARD: Sparale!
[BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPT!]
LANA: Oof! Transport! Are you shitting me?!
ARCHER: Well it was this or the Vespas! It's not my fault
Italy's so gay. Which, by the way, Pope, on the gay thing...
POPE: La Sacra Bibbia says it is a mortal sin. But get me out
of here alive and I will pardon you for it, my son.
ARCHER: Wh-? No, I - PAM: Haaaa!
CHERYL/CAROL (O.S.): So why are you scared of church stuff?
Did the unspeakable happen?
To your slender, hairless, adolescent body?
CYRIL: Wh-? No!
CHERYL/CAROL: Aww... CYRIL: Eww!
CHERYL/CAROL: Right?!
CYRIL: First of all, I'm not- I'm not scared of priests or nuns or -
CHERYL/CAROL: Bishops?
CYRIL: No, I just -- CHERYL/CAROL: Bishop the android from Aliens?
CYRIL: No! I told Ms. Archer that because I didn't wanna go
on another mission with the world's worst colleague.
CHERYL/CAROL: Bishop the android from Aliens?
CYRIL: Archer! You think he's a dick here? On a mission he's ten times worse.
CHERYL/CAROL: That's impossible.
ARCHER (O.S.) Oh really?!
PAM: Yes, really! A, I was a
race car driver! And B- LANA: Archer.
ARCHER: Your Holiness, a little help?!
PAM: The pope could drive better than you!
POPE: No no, io non guido.
PAM: Ugh, esatto?
POPE: (chuckling) Oh, capito... ARCHER: Why're you taking her
side?! She's Lutheran!
POPE: Eh, Luther had some valid complaints.
LANA: Archer! Owwwww!
LANA: Drive the ffffffffrickin car!
ARCHER: Okay, Lana! What is your problem?
LANA: Well there's you... and also that.
ARCHER: Why aren't they on horseback?!
LANA: Because why would they be?!
ARCHER: Right, halberdsmen are foot-soldiers.
POPE: Mi scusi, the bigger question is, if they really are the Swiss Guards...
PAM: Why are they wearing Swiss Guard uniforms, driving a Swiss Guard car?!
POPE: Esatto.
LANA: Holy sh -- it's a false flag operation! To make it look
like the Swiss Guard!
POPE: Who told you I was to be assassinated?
ARCHER: Cardinal Corelli! He- LANA: He wouldn't, by any
chance, be next in line for the papacy, would he?
POPE: Well, there would be an election -
ARCHER: Right, with the smudge-pot...
POPE: -- but Corelli would be sure to win.
LANA: Pretty good motive.
PAM: (laughing) Yeah, you must make a shitlo- [brrrrrrrrpt!]
EVERYBODY: Ahhhhhhhh!!!
[skreeech]
LANA: Go! What're you doing?!
ARCHER: I'm letting them catch up!
EVERYBODY: Why?!
ARCHER: Can I finish?! He asked, agent-incommandingly!
Take the wheel and maintain speed! Woodhouse, lighter!
WOODHOUSE: I'm only ninety pounds wet, sir!
ARCHER: What? No you idiot, your spoon-cooker!
WOODHOUSE: Oh right.
ARCHER: Like pulling teeth with you people. Lana! Head toward Swiss Guard HQ!
LANA: What, while you request Freebird?!
ARCHER: Ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.
Ahh.
[brrrrrrrpt]
Actually that was pretty good, for you at least, but no, while I do...
Shit, I had a pun about flares.
LANA: Fake dynamite?!
PAM: That's your plan?! So hey, can I squeeze in a confession?
POPE: (chuckling) Oho, ora dov'è il tuo Martin Luther?
PAM: Fine, I'll buy a damn indulgence! Oh wait... ARCHER: Wait until they're
right beside us, then swerve into em!
LANA: What, so you're crushed between the- ARCHER: Woohoohoohoooooooooo!
LANA: Shoulda seen that comin...
ARCHER: Hey, I can see St. Peter's from-
LANA: Archer look ooouuut!
ARCHER: Goddammit, quit telling me what to do! I'm the
goddamn agent-in-command!
POPE: Figo, he really drops the G.D. bombs... PAM: Plus he's a whoremonger.
LANA: Cough.
PAM: Oh please, who hasn't paid for it?! Still talking about indulgences.
ARCHER (O.S.): Lana now!
LANA: He said, last wordsingly. Hang on!
EVERYBODY: Ahhhh, oh!!
DRIVER: Sparale!
Sparale!
[BRRRRRRRRRPT!]
ARCHER: What the-?! Pam, what'd he say?!
PAM: What do you think he said, dicknuts?! Pay attention
to the frickin context!
ARCHER: Well sorry I don't have your language-nerd skills!
Hang on... Pambit!
PAM (O.S.): Wrong X-Man, dumbass!
ARCHER: Still though... [BRRRRRRRRRRRRPT!]
DRIVER: Non lui! Il papa!
Spar'al papa!
SWISS GUARD: Ohhhh... LANA: Ohhh, shit! Pam!!
PAM: Get doowwwn!
WOODHOUSE/POPE: Ungh! Ungh!
[BRRRRRRRRRRRRPT!]
LANA/PAM: Unghh!
ARCHER: Lanaaaa!
LANA: Rrrgh. I'm fine!
PAM: Yeah me too, asshole!
ARCHER (O.S.): Oh good.
LANA: Is the pope hit?!
PAM: Uhh... no, he's, they're both good.
DRIVER: Recarica! Spara di nuovo!
ARCHER: Really wish I hadn't focused so heavily on the Romansh...
ARCHER [snoring]
WOMAN'S VOICE: Lesson one. Leshau untg.
PAM: Context! They're reloading!
ARCHER: Ohhh... That's what you mean by context?
DRIVER (O.S.): Spara!
LANA: What else could she possibly mean?!
ARCHER: Who am I, William Safire?! Oh and speaking of... in the hole!
[SHUMP]
LANA: What?
ARCHER: Safire in the hole, Lana, it's a- [KABROOOOOM!]
EVERYBODY: Waaaagh!
ARCHER: Lana look oooooouuuu- [KROOOM!]
[CAR ALARMS blaring]
ARCHER: Ow.
COMMANDER: So. The good news is, my men have apprehended Cardinal Corelli, who
immediately confessed to the plot.
PAM: Hey heyyy, that is good news!
LANA: You know how the whole "the good news is" thing works, right?
COMMANDER: The bad news is- PAM: Oh right.
COMMANDER: -- the men you killed were Camorra.
PAM: What're they, like the mafia?
COMMANDER: (chuckle) The Camorra is like your mafia like...
LANA: Seal Team Six is like the Girl Scouts.
COMMANDER: Exactly.
PAM: So... equally sexy?
LANA: Eww!
PAM: Oww!
ARCHER (O.S.): Oww!
ARCHER: But the real good news, ow! Dick! Is that we saved the pope's life.
COMMANDER: For which we are grateful. However... We cannot tell
these two apart, so... ARCHER: So I actually have an idea about that.
LANA: Is it take them both home, see which one's a better
butler, and give the other one back to the Catholic Church?
ARCHER: Never mind.
LANA: Then why don't we leave them both here until they come to.
I'm sure Woodhouse never gets a vacation.
ARCHER: Are you kidding? I didn't even let him go to his brother's funeral.
PAM: What?!
LANA: Oh my -- you asshole!
Was he crushed?!
ARCHER: Probably woulda been.
If I'd told him about it.
LANA: Ugh. But wait, why did Corelli hire ISIS to prevent the assassination?
COMMANDER: To show the cardinals he was trying to
prevent it, all the while assuming- LANA: What, that we'd totally
bl-ow my God he assumed we'd totally blow it?!
COMMANDER: Well... ISIS has a certain reputation.
ARCHER: Hey, whoa! Not cool, Payne Stewart!
LANA: Oh, my God, if Malory ever
hears about this -
ARCHER: Which she won't!
Because Pam?! PAM: What?
ARCHER: Promise you'll never tell Mother!
PAM: Okay, I promise! Swear to God!
MALORY (O.S.): What?!
ARCHER/LANA (O.S.): Pam! Pam! PAM (O.S.): Haaaaa!?
Sync & corrections by honeybunny Resync for WEB-DL by lost0ne www.addic7ed.com
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