1 00:00:02,452 --> 00:00:05,301 Which brings us to our penultimate item, 2 00:00:05,302 --> 00:00:09,351 which concerns... yet again, and to no great surprise... 3 00:00:09,352 --> 00:00:10,491 the restrooms. 4 00:00:10,492 --> 00:00:13,331 Specifically, the towel dispensers. 5 00:00:13,332 --> 00:00:14,972 Why'd you get the loopy, old-timey 6 00:00:14,997 --> 00:00:16,471 cloth kind in the first place? 7 00:00:16,472 --> 00:00:17,531 Because... Shut up. 8 00:00:17,532 --> 00:00:19,381 And I don't know who's doing it, 9 00:00:19,382 --> 00:00:21,351 and I doubt even God knows why, 10 00:00:21,352 --> 00:00:23,361 but my next step is to have 11 00:00:23,362 --> 00:00:25,421 the damn things swabbed for DNA! 12 00:00:27,392 --> 00:00:31,381 Seems like it'd be easier just to take out the trash cans. 13 00:00:31,382 --> 00:00:32,944 Whoever's doing it, they obviously 14 00:00:32,969 --> 00:00:34,461 have to climb up on a trash can. 15 00:00:34,462 --> 00:00:36,381 'Cause it's like, up here, so... 16 00:00:36,382 --> 00:00:39,341 Wow. Name a handsome Hollywood power lawyer 17 00:00:39,342 --> 00:00:40,247 who is having major second 18 00:00:40,272 --> 00:00:41,501 thoughts about hiring you people. 19 00:00:41,502 --> 00:00:45,341 - Mr. Shapiro! - Boom! Square gets the square! 20 00:00:45,342 --> 00:00:47,411 And I get going. You guys validate? 21 00:00:47,412 --> 00:00:50,421 Mr. Shapiro, please, as I said on the phone, 22 00:00:50,422 --> 00:00:52,451 the Figgis Agency values your business, 23 00:00:52,452 --> 00:00:54,461 and I can assure you this internal affair 24 00:00:54,462 --> 00:00:57,341 doesn't reflect our ability as investigators, so... 25 00:00:57,342 --> 00:00:58,431 - Yes, it does. - Archer? 26 00:00:58,432 --> 00:00:59,491 What? Shut up. If anything, 27 00:00:59,492 --> 00:01:01,421 it proves I'm a great investigator. 28 00:01:01,422 --> 00:01:04,431 I totally just Encyclopedia Browned that thing. 29 00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:07,501 Bugs Meany is wiping his ass on our towels? 30 00:01:07,502 --> 00:01:11,471 - No, dummy! - Yes! It's the only explanation! 31 00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:14,311 Well, or any of the Tigers. 32 00:01:14,312 --> 00:01:16,381 So, is it like a stamp, or stickers... 33 00:01:16,382 --> 00:01:18,421 Please, you've come all this way. 34 00:01:18,422 --> 00:01:20,022 And obviously you thought we were 35 00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:21,481 the right agency for the job. 36 00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:24,481 And besides, we're only 25 cents a day, plus expenses. 37 00:01:24,482 --> 00:01:26,321 For the love of Christ, woman! 38 00:01:26,322 --> 00:01:28,411 Seriously, you gotta shut up. 39 00:01:28,412 --> 00:01:30,311 You shut up! Because I'm catching 40 00:01:30,312 --> 00:01:32,401 the first bus outta this hick town! 41 00:01:34,342 --> 00:01:36,301 Ha! So long, Idaville! 42 00:01:36,302 --> 00:01:37,311 As I was saying... 43 00:01:37,312 --> 00:01:38,441 Okay. 44 00:01:38,442 --> 00:01:40,341 - Hmm? - Okay! 45 00:01:40,342 --> 00:01:42,521 I can't get anyone else on such late notice, and... 46 00:01:42,522 --> 00:01:45,501 I dunno. Maybe you people can handle this job, so... 47 00:01:45,502 --> 00:01:48,421 Mind if I, uh, beep boop? 48 00:01:48,422 --> 00:01:51,361 Oh, preesh. Okay, so 49 00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:53,301 I'm sure you all remember my client, 50 00:01:53,302 --> 00:01:55,361 Hollywood legend Veronica Deane. 51 00:01:55,362 --> 00:01:56,441 - Remember? - Ugh. 52 00:01:56,442 --> 00:01:58,331 - Who could forget? - Right? 53 00:01:58,332 --> 00:02:00,371 She almost makes me Q my G. 54 00:02:00,372 --> 00:02:02,230 What, did she die of old age? 55 00:02:02,231 --> 00:02:03,521 Oh, for the... She's 50! 56 00:02:03,522 --> 00:02:06,481 And, if anything, more beautiful than ever. 57 00:02:06,482 --> 00:02:08,301 Especially when she's wearing... 58 00:02:10,402 --> 00:02:12,501 the Tsarina, an emerald and diamond necklace 59 00:02:12,502 --> 00:02:16,481 crafted for Empress Maria Alexandrovna in 1855, 60 00:02:16,482 --> 00:02:20,491 and now the, uh, centerpiece of Ms. Deane's collection. 61 00:02:20,492 --> 00:02:23,471 My God, it must be worth millions! 62 00:02:23,472 --> 00:02:25,361 And you want us to steal it! 63 00:02:25,362 --> 00:02:29,331 I... No! No, that's the exact opposite of what I want. 64 00:02:29,332 --> 00:02:31,471 She wants to wear the Tsarina to a fund-raiser 65 00:02:31,472 --> 00:02:34,411 hosted by her ex-husband, Ellis Crane, 66 00:02:34,412 --> 00:02:38,361 Oscar-winning director and also total jit-rag. 67 00:02:38,362 --> 00:02:39,481 - Ooh! - He's handsome! 68 00:02:39,482 --> 00:02:41,441 Ugh! Total jit-rag. 69 00:02:41,442 --> 00:02:43,451 Wearing that necklace to a crowded event 70 00:02:43,452 --> 00:02:45,371 seems like a pretty big risk. 71 00:02:45,372 --> 00:02:46,521 I know. Believe me, 72 00:02:46,522 --> 00:02:48,844 I tried to talk Ms. Deane out of wearing it, but... 73 00:02:48,845 --> 00:02:50,471 Is it just to rub it in his face? 74 00:02:50,472 --> 00:02:53,381 Man, I'd rub it in his face! 75 00:02:57,322 --> 00:03:00,441 - Pam! - I will stop, but I will not apologize. 76 00:03:00,442 --> 00:03:02,461 So, you want us to guard the necklace. 77 00:03:02,462 --> 00:03:04,481 Yes. Undercover, at the fund-raiser. 78 00:03:04,482 --> 00:03:10,451 For which, I am prepared to pay your agency s... $50,000. 79 00:03:10,452 --> 00:03:12,461 - Oh, nice! - Pretty good. 80 00:03:12,462 --> 00:03:14,401 But surely the necklace is insured. 81 00:03:14,402 --> 00:03:16,331 And even if the deductible was, like... 82 00:03:16,332 --> 00:03:18,311 Obviously more than that, Lana. 83 00:03:18,312 --> 00:03:20,351 - Yeah, Lana. - Holy shit-snacks! 84 00:03:20,352 --> 00:03:23,351 So we're going to a no-shit black-tie Hollywood gala? 85 00:03:23,352 --> 00:03:24,481 Well, yes, but... 86 00:03:24,482 --> 00:03:26,471 But what do we wear? Is it, like, gowns and gloves? 87 00:03:26,472 --> 00:03:28,531 And do I rent a girdle? Are there gonna be dress fittings? 88 00:03:28,532 --> 00:03:31,391 Do I get a bikini wax? And I don't know my tiara size! 89 00:03:31,392 --> 00:03:33,401 And, oh, my God, what of shoes? 90 00:03:33,402 --> 00:03:36,511 Uh, your attire will be provided. 91 00:03:36,512 --> 00:03:40,311 This is gonna be suckin' amazing! 92 00:03:40,312 --> 00:03:44,342 Yeah. For five-eighths of you. 93 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:52,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 94 00:04:14,783 --> 00:04:19,526 Synced and corrected by VitoSilans - www.Addic7ed.com - 95 00:04:19,532 --> 00:04:21,451 ♪♪ 96 00:04:21,452 --> 00:04:25,302 And so, when I said "suckin' amazing"... 97 00:04:26,472 --> 00:04:29,361 obviously I meant "suckin' bullshit." 98 00:04:29,362 --> 00:04:30,361 I mean... 99 00:04:30,362 --> 00:04:31,431 Seriously? 100 00:04:31,432 --> 00:04:34,301 Oh, quit your griping, you three. 101 00:04:34,302 --> 00:04:36,311 The whole idea is to blend in, so... 102 00:04:36,312 --> 00:04:37,411 Meaning? 103 00:04:37,412 --> 00:04:40,351 No. Meaning just... you know... 104 00:04:40,352 --> 00:04:42,501 You can't put lipstick on a pig. 105 00:04:42,502 --> 00:04:43,465 - Really? - Excuse you? 106 00:04:43,490 --> 00:04:44,391 What's that supposed to mean? 107 00:04:44,392 --> 00:04:47,311 - Well, that's a little harsh. - And also inaccurate. 108 00:04:47,312 --> 00:04:48,401 Lipstick, they don't really mind, 109 00:04:48,402 --> 00:04:51,361 but mascara? Huh, whole big thing. 110 00:04:51,362 --> 00:04:53,391 And I suppose he's blending? 111 00:04:53,392 --> 00:04:56,381 - Who? - You, Otto Von Jizmarck. 112 00:04:56,382 --> 00:04:57,531 I was gonna say Franz Turdinand. 113 00:04:57,532 --> 00:04:58,822 - Eh... - Guys, come on. 114 00:04:58,847 --> 00:05:00,371 What's going on here? 115 00:05:00,372 --> 00:05:02,401 I was just explaining some basic tenets 116 00:05:02,402 --> 00:05:04,351 of fieldcraft to these three. 117 00:05:04,352 --> 00:05:05,491 Yeah, you gotta blend, 118 00:05:05,492 --> 00:05:07,371 but I meant what's going on hors d'oeuvre-wise. 119 00:05:07,372 --> 00:05:08,381 Wouldn't you like to... 120 00:05:08,382 --> 00:05:10,351 Blend. 121 00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:12,391 This is a deconstructed slider 122 00:05:12,392 --> 00:05:14,301 made from certified Kobe beef 123 00:05:14,302 --> 00:05:15,431 from Hyogo prefecture, 124 00:05:15,432 --> 00:05:16,531 with a tarragon aioli. 125 00:05:16,532 --> 00:05:19,391 Tapas of pata negra jamón iberico, 126 00:05:19,392 --> 00:05:21,421 topped with queso Torta del Casar. 127 00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:23,451 And these are tiny quiches, 128 00:05:23,452 --> 00:05:25,471 probably made from endangered quail eggs, or... 129 00:05:25,472 --> 00:05:27,501 No, none of this is that. 130 00:05:27,502 --> 00:05:32,481 This is the world's most expensive Mc10:35. 131 00:05:34,302 --> 00:05:35,511 Oh, for the... Sterling! 132 00:05:35,512 --> 00:05:37,361 Is that really necessary? 133 00:05:37,362 --> 00:05:39,301 Mm. Mm-hm. 134 00:05:39,302 --> 00:05:40,431 Mm. Ah. 135 00:05:40,432 --> 00:05:42,351 Lana, this is Hollywood. 136 00:05:42,352 --> 00:05:44,461 None of this is even remotely necessary. 137 00:05:49,332 --> 00:05:50,441 So if you'll excuse me, 138 00:05:50,442 --> 00:05:53,401 I'm gonna go guard some priceless emeralds. 139 00:05:53,402 --> 00:05:54,451 Oh, really? 140 00:05:54,452 --> 00:05:56,361 You're gonna go do the job 141 00:05:56,362 --> 00:05:58,361 I'm paying you a fortune to do? 142 00:05:58,362 --> 00:05:59,531 Might as well. 143 00:05:59,532 --> 00:06:01,491 I'm already here. 144 00:06:01,492 --> 00:06:04,341 And speaking of guarding the Tsarina, 145 00:06:04,342 --> 00:06:05,664 do you think the optimal 146 00:06:05,689 --> 00:06:07,481 formation for that is a clump? 147 00:06:07,482 --> 00:06:08,702 Really? 148 00:06:08,727 --> 00:06:10,411 Some bullshit job. 149 00:06:10,412 --> 00:06:12,263 Oh, my God, even for Idaville, 150 00:06:12,264 --> 00:06:15,511 this stupid party is so boring! 151 00:06:15,512 --> 00:06:18,522 Like, hire a clown, tinnitus people. 152 00:06:21,392 --> 00:06:24,371 Whatever, Pocket Tony Montana. 153 00:06:24,372 --> 00:06:28,521 Wait! Tiny Montana. 154 00:06:30,502 --> 00:06:32,381 Either one, 155 00:06:32,382 --> 00:06:36,501 oughta be quarantined in the sick burn unit. 156 00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:39,411 Excuse me. Hi. Pardon me. 157 00:06:39,412 --> 00:06:40,441 Sterling Archer. 158 00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:41,491 Hello. Pardon me. 159 00:06:41,492 --> 00:06:43,411 Or move, basically. 160 00:06:43,412 --> 00:06:45,331 Good evening, Archbishop. 161 00:06:45,332 --> 00:06:47,351 Could you hold this for me? 162 00:06:47,352 --> 00:06:49,411 Pardon me. Yep. S-Sorry. 163 00:06:49,412 --> 00:06:50,521 That was my hand. 164 00:06:50,522 --> 00:06:52,461 Jesus, glad I'm not allergic to mink. 165 00:06:52,462 --> 00:06:54,441 - Right? - Hm? 166 00:06:54,442 --> 00:06:56,522 Oh, hi. Uh, so sorry. I thought 167 00:06:56,547 --> 00:06:58,401 you were Commodore Perry. 168 00:06:58,402 --> 00:07:00,381 Oh, how dare you! 169 00:07:00,382 --> 00:07:02,341 Remember the Maine! 170 00:07:02,342 --> 00:07:03,421 Couple things. 171 00:07:03,422 --> 00:07:06,361 A, Perry opened Japan to the West. 172 00:07:06,362 --> 00:07:08,501 He died 40 years before the sinking of the Maine, 173 00:07:08,502 --> 00:07:11,351 the cause of which... spoiler alert... 174 00:07:11,352 --> 00:07:14,421 has since been proven to be improper coal storage, 175 00:07:14,422 --> 00:07:16,461 not a Spanish harbor mine. 176 00:07:16,462 --> 00:07:18,321 And two... 177 00:07:18,322 --> 00:07:20,311 he didn't have sideburns. 178 00:07:20,312 --> 00:07:21,321 Did he not? 179 00:07:21,322 --> 00:07:22,481 No. 180 00:07:22,482 --> 00:07:25,361 He was totally... 181 00:07:25,362 --> 00:07:27,401 completely... 182 00:07:27,402 --> 00:07:31,491 clean... 183 00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:33,371 shaven. 184 00:07:33,372 --> 00:07:36,361 Wow. Talk about smooth sailing. 185 00:07:36,362 --> 00:07:39,301 It was clearly the Age of Steam. 186 00:07:39,302 --> 00:07:41,371 Hi. Sterling Archer. 187 00:07:41,372 --> 00:07:43,411 What the... That little bitch! 188 00:07:43,412 --> 00:07:46,321 Oh, you're way prettier than her. 189 00:07:46,322 --> 00:07:47,331 I meant Archer. 190 00:07:47,332 --> 00:07:50,331 And also, dahoy. 191 00:07:51,392 --> 00:07:54,301 - Oh! - Shut up! 192 00:07:54,302 --> 00:07:56,431 Excuse me. Pardon me. Think you're gonna flirt... 193 00:07:56,432 --> 00:07:57,501 Hello. Right in front of me... 194 00:07:57,502 --> 00:07:59,531 Hi. With some C-list C-word! 195 00:07:59,532 --> 00:08:01,321 Impossible. 196 00:08:01,322 --> 00:08:02,341 Huh? 197 00:08:02,342 --> 00:08:04,311 My dear, how can this be? 198 00:08:04,312 --> 00:08:06,361 How have you never been in one of my pictures? 199 00:08:06,362 --> 00:08:08,461 Hm. Because I'm not an actress? 200 00:08:08,462 --> 00:08:10,521 Huh. In what sense? 201 00:08:10,522 --> 00:08:11,531 Every. 202 00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:14,301 Perhaps we should begin anew. 203 00:08:14,302 --> 00:08:17,311 Ellis Crane, Academy Award winner. 204 00:08:17,312 --> 00:08:19,391 Lana Kane, private investigator. 205 00:08:19,392 --> 00:08:20,421 You're kidding. 206 00:08:20,422 --> 00:08:22,421 No, so if you ever have 207 00:08:22,422 --> 00:08:24,441 anything that needs private investigating... 208 00:08:24,442 --> 00:08:26,391 I thought you were a producer. 209 00:08:26,392 --> 00:08:28,461 Uh, I produce results. 210 00:08:28,462 --> 00:08:31,301 Idiot! 211 00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:32,371 How was that my fault? 212 00:08:32,372 --> 00:08:34,301 How is everything your fault? 213 00:08:34,302 --> 00:08:35,421 Aw, leave him alone. 214 00:08:35,422 --> 00:08:37,491 He's not the one trying to shuck your lady-corn. 215 00:08:37,492 --> 00:08:39,491 My what? 216 00:08:39,492 --> 00:08:42,471 Oh, so that's how it is now, huh? 217 00:08:42,472 --> 00:08:45,481 Well, then you can tell Lana that two can play at that game. 218 00:08:45,482 --> 00:08:46,521 Where's Veronica Deane? 219 00:08:46,522 --> 00:08:48,411 How should I know? 220 00:08:48,412 --> 00:08:51,331 Y... Because you're supposed to be guarding her. 221 00:08:51,332 --> 00:08:53,531 I'm also supposed to be pooling tips. 222 00:08:53,532 --> 00:08:57,381 Which I haven't gotten any yet, so... 223 00:08:57,382 --> 00:08:59,381 Hey, Ray! You getting any tips? 224 00:08:59,382 --> 00:09:02,331 - Hang on! - Excuse me. Pardon me. 225 00:09:02,332 --> 00:09:04,381 Idiot! 226 00:09:04,382 --> 00:09:06,331 What's up her bleached asshole? 227 00:09:06,332 --> 00:09:08,311 Okay, so, I've been watching like a hawk, 228 00:09:08,312 --> 00:09:10,451 and here's the whats... Lana's pissed at Archer 229 00:09:10,452 --> 00:09:11,793 'cause she thought he was macking on 230 00:09:11,818 --> 00:09:13,461 Bleached Asshole, and she's pissed at Archer 231 00:09:13,462 --> 00:09:15,361 'cause she thought he was a Hollywood honcho 232 00:09:15,362 --> 00:09:17,301 like ol' Whitey Crane over there, 233 00:09:17,302 --> 00:09:19,431 who is macking on Lana, who's totally full of crap 234 00:09:19,432 --> 00:09:20,885 'cause deep down, she's totally 235 00:09:20,910 --> 00:09:22,431 buyin' into Whitey's bullshit. 236 00:09:22,432 --> 00:09:24,453 So to get back at her, Archer's gonna 237 00:09:24,478 --> 00:09:26,421 pretend to mack on, but not really, 238 00:09:26,422 --> 00:09:27,794 'cause deep down, he's got a 239 00:09:27,819 --> 00:09:29,411 real-life crush-boner for her, 240 00:09:29,412 --> 00:09:30,481 Veronica Deane! 241 00:09:30,482 --> 00:09:32,481 Who we're supposed to be guarding. 242 00:09:32,482 --> 00:09:34,431 Well, "whom," but yeah. 243 00:09:34,432 --> 00:09:36,361 And she is... 244 00:09:36,362 --> 00:09:37,441 I don't know who she's into. 245 00:09:37,442 --> 00:09:39,341 I meant, where is she? 246 00:09:39,342 --> 00:09:40,381 How should I know? 247 00:09:40,382 --> 00:09:42,471 Yeah, who is she, Kate Warne? 248 00:09:42,472 --> 00:09:43,471 - What? - Anyway, 249 00:09:43,472 --> 00:09:45,401 I don't want to jinx it, 250 00:09:45,402 --> 00:09:49,471 but this might end up... a murder mystery. 251 00:09:49,472 --> 00:09:51,521 Well, fingers crossed. 252 00:09:51,522 --> 00:09:53,361 Clump! 253 00:09:53,362 --> 00:09:54,471 Aah... 254 00:10:05,014 --> 00:10:08,377 Okay. Okay, here we go. 255 00:10:08,378 --> 00:10:10,437 Hello? 256 00:10:10,438 --> 00:10:13,298 Excuse me, Miss Deane? 257 00:10:17,328 --> 00:10:18,427 Yes? 258 00:10:20,378 --> 00:10:22,457 I have tinnitus. 259 00:10:22,458 --> 00:10:24,407 Why do we have to clean it up? 260 00:10:24,408 --> 00:10:26,407 Her dumb ass broke the damn thing. 261 00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:28,397 Well, he's the one sneaking around, scaring people 262 00:10:28,398 --> 00:10:29,467 like Casper the Ghost. 263 00:10:29,468 --> 00:10:32,477 A... Casper was the Friendly Ghost. 264 00:10:32,478 --> 00:10:36,437 Well, take a page from his book. 265 00:10:36,438 --> 00:10:38,377 You ever wonder how Casper died? 266 00:10:38,378 --> 00:10:41,407 When you're finished here, un-clump! 267 00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,457 'Cause my theory is Casper and Spooky 268 00:10:43,458 --> 00:10:46,407 were kidnapped, raped, and murdered... 269 00:10:46,408 --> 00:10:47,517 by Stevie. 270 00:10:47,518 --> 00:10:50,467 Wow, that sounds pretty dark. 271 00:10:50,468 --> 00:10:53,307 No, Miss Kane, not dark. 272 00:10:53,308 --> 00:10:54,417 Noir. 273 00:10:54,418 --> 00:10:56,397 - I... - Or nouveau noir, if you must, 274 00:10:56,398 --> 00:10:57,497 but rest assured, my dear, 275 00:10:57,498 --> 00:11:00,477 Deadly Velvet will redefine the genre. 276 00:11:00,478 --> 00:11:02,437 Of the private-eye movie? 277 00:11:06,438 --> 00:11:08,317 Um, are you... 278 00:11:08,318 --> 00:11:09,467 Madam, you wound me. 279 00:11:11,398 --> 00:11:14,397 Deadly Velvet is going to be a cinematic tour de force, 280 00:11:14,398 --> 00:11:17,337 and I want you deeply involved. 281 00:11:17,338 --> 00:11:19,517 Well, but I haven't been a private investigator 282 00:11:19,518 --> 00:11:21,287 for very long. 283 00:11:21,288 --> 00:11:22,397 Had Shocking Blue been a band 284 00:11:22,398 --> 00:11:24,407 very long before they recorded "Venus"? 285 00:11:24,408 --> 00:11:25,427 - I... - No. 286 00:11:25,428 --> 00:11:26,457 I don't know. 287 00:11:26,458 --> 00:11:27,487 We can't know. 288 00:11:27,488 --> 00:11:29,457 And speaking of not knowing... 289 00:11:29,458 --> 00:11:31,457 what does a technical advisor even do? 290 00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,417 Well, advise on technical matters, of course, 291 00:11:33,418 --> 00:11:35,347 but I think you could also help me 292 00:11:35,348 --> 00:11:39,387 really get inside the mind of the private detective. 293 00:11:39,388 --> 00:11:43,387 What... makes... her... tick. 294 00:11:43,388 --> 00:11:45,387 Oh, wow, it's a female lead? 295 00:11:45,388 --> 00:11:48,307 What? 296 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:49,367 Oh, God, no. 297 00:11:49,368 --> 00:11:52,297 What does Lana think she's doing? 298 00:11:52,298 --> 00:11:53,447 Well, I think she's... 299 00:11:53,448 --> 00:11:55,287 She's embarrassing herself. That's what. 300 00:11:55,288 --> 00:11:56,487 Fawning all over Ellis Crane. 301 00:11:56,488 --> 00:11:58,347 Trying to make Archer... 302 00:11:58,348 --> 00:11:59,477 When he's clearly much better suited 303 00:11:59,478 --> 00:12:01,437 for a woman like, well, 304 00:12:01,438 --> 00:12:02,477 me. 305 00:12:02,478 --> 00:12:05,297 Jealous. Hey, how's Ron? 306 00:12:05,298 --> 00:12:06,407 He's great. 307 00:12:06,408 --> 00:12:09,307 How's nobody? 308 00:12:11,488 --> 00:12:13,317 You're gon... 309 00:12:16,298 --> 00:12:17,487 I you on a blimp. 310 00:12:19,438 --> 00:12:21,417 Oh, my God! 311 00:12:21,418 --> 00:12:23,487 That's right. 312 00:12:23,488 --> 00:12:25,517 Man, what ever happened to blimps? 313 00:12:25,518 --> 00:12:27,507 I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. 314 00:12:27,508 --> 00:12:29,377 I mean, I do have tinnitus, 315 00:12:29,378 --> 00:12:30,487 but that's not the main thing. 316 00:12:30,488 --> 00:12:32,457 I'm sorry. I'm babbling. 317 00:12:32,458 --> 00:12:34,457 Hello. Uh, Sterling Archer. 318 00:12:34,458 --> 00:12:37,357 And we have actually met. 319 00:12:37,358 --> 00:12:39,477 You hired me to meet some blackmailers 320 00:12:39,478 --> 00:12:41,477 and exchange... 321 00:12:41,478 --> 00:12:43,327 I know exactly who you are. 322 00:12:43,328 --> 00:12:44,347 Hm? 323 00:12:44,348 --> 00:12:45,457 What I don't know, Mr. Archer, 324 00:12:45,458 --> 00:12:48,297 is why you would think it even remotely acceptable 325 00:12:48,298 --> 00:12:49,407 to discuss such private matters 326 00:12:49,408 --> 00:12:51,297 in such a public setting. 327 00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:54,437 I'm sorry. 328 00:12:54,438 --> 00:12:57,387 It's all just so very sensitive. 329 00:12:57,388 --> 00:12:58,467 Now, why are you here? 330 00:12:58,468 --> 00:13:01,337 Well, for one thing, it's a great cause. 331 00:13:01,338 --> 00:13:03,337 But for another, more accurate thing, 332 00:13:03,338 --> 00:13:05,287 we're here because Shapiro hired us. 333 00:13:05,288 --> 00:13:06,347 What? Why? 334 00:13:06,348 --> 00:13:07,477 To guard the the Tsarina. 335 00:13:07,478 --> 00:13:10,347 I knew I shouldn't have worn it. 336 00:13:10,348 --> 00:13:12,327 No... Yes, you totally should have. 337 00:13:12,328 --> 00:13:14,407 And I get it. I get why you did. 338 00:13:14,408 --> 00:13:16,467 - I wore it bec... - Because, come to find out, 339 00:13:16,468 --> 00:13:17,953 you and I find ourselves 340 00:13:17,978 --> 00:13:19,497 - in the same boat. - What? 341 00:13:19,498 --> 00:13:21,467 And it's a totally shit boat, 342 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,497 and the cargo is pathetic petty jealousy. 343 00:13:24,498 --> 00:13:26,397 - What? - And so I apologize 344 00:13:26,398 --> 00:13:27,467 for being so forward, 345 00:13:27,468 --> 00:13:29,387 but I think this needs to happen, 346 00:13:29,388 --> 00:13:31,357 and I think it's a win-win. 347 00:13:31,358 --> 00:13:32,467 What... 348 00:13:37,478 --> 00:13:39,477 Mother... 349 00:13:43,308 --> 00:13:44,377 What the... 350 00:13:45,488 --> 00:13:47,327 Get on the ground! 351 00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:52,377 Get down! Move! 352 00:13:52,378 --> 00:13:53,467 Archer! 353 00:13:53,468 --> 00:13:55,387 Lana! 354 00:13:55,388 --> 00:13:56,468 Come on. 355 00:14:01,378 --> 00:14:05,397 Ladies... and... gentlemen... 356 00:14:05,398 --> 00:14:06,467 Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. 357 00:14:06,468 --> 00:14:08,507 - What are you doing? - Shut up. 358 00:14:08,508 --> 00:14:12,407 That is so baller. 359 00:14:12,408 --> 00:14:15,417 But, like, old-school baller. 360 00:14:15,418 --> 00:14:18,357 - Like medicine baller. - Shh. 361 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:21,317 Children of all ages, 362 00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:24,507 welcome to this robbery. 363 00:14:24,508 --> 00:14:26,517 I am your host, 364 00:14:26,518 --> 00:14:29,427 Mr. Rompers. 365 00:14:29,428 --> 00:14:31,338 And I did not tell you to stop. 366 00:14:32,388 --> 00:14:35,347 ♪ ♪ 367 00:14:35,348 --> 00:14:37,307 Okay, I think that red one's the leader, 368 00:14:37,308 --> 00:14:39,307 so you're gonna want to take him out first. 369 00:14:39,308 --> 00:14:41,367 Now, we do not wish to harm you. 370 00:14:41,368 --> 00:14:43,297 Take him out? With what? 371 00:14:43,298 --> 00:14:45,307 But if you try anything foolish... 372 00:14:45,308 --> 00:14:46,407 How do you not have a gun? 373 00:14:46,408 --> 00:14:47,507 Uh, dahoy. 374 00:14:47,508 --> 00:14:49,477 You will die here tonight. 375 00:14:49,478 --> 00:14:51,367 Oh, right. Yeah, that thing's 376 00:14:51,368 --> 00:14:53,357 about three sizes too small as it is. 377 00:14:53,358 --> 00:14:55,357 And how do you not have a gun? 378 00:14:55,358 --> 00:14:57,347 Well, I would have if I had a jacket, 379 00:14:57,348 --> 00:14:59,347 but since I'm just a lowly waiter... 380 00:14:59,348 --> 00:15:01,327 Well, maybe you can pout your way out. 381 00:15:02,408 --> 00:15:04,357 Shh... 382 00:15:04,358 --> 00:15:05,417 That was her, 383 00:15:05,418 --> 00:15:07,347 running her fat mouth. 384 00:15:17,213 --> 00:15:18,959 Ladies and gentlemen, 385 00:15:19,131 --> 00:15:21,861 please, this is all very simple. 386 00:15:21,862 --> 00:15:23,891 Every phone line has been cut. 387 00:15:23,892 --> 00:15:25,981 Every exit has been booby-trapped. 388 00:15:25,982 --> 00:15:27,293 Now, please, give your 389 00:15:27,318 --> 00:15:28,961 cell phones to Mr. Oingo. 390 00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,951 He's the handsome gentleman in orange. 391 00:15:30,952 --> 00:15:33,791 And give your valuables to Mr. Boingo. 392 00:15:33,792 --> 00:15:35,791 He's the handsome gentleman in blue! 393 00:15:35,792 --> 00:15:38,781 Please, we do not wish to harm you! 394 00:15:38,782 --> 00:15:40,941 Please, just do as they say! 395 00:15:40,942 --> 00:15:43,871 Thank you, my good sir. Finished? 396 00:15:43,872 --> 00:15:45,901 Hm? Uh, hm. Uh, yes... 397 00:15:47,782 --> 00:15:48,841 Are you insane? 398 00:15:48,842 --> 00:15:49,941 I don't know. Maybe. 399 00:15:49,942 --> 00:15:51,801 But check this out. 400 00:15:52,972 --> 00:15:54,951 And that, ladies and germs, 401 00:15:54,952 --> 00:15:57,831 is the very best you can expect. 402 00:15:57,832 --> 00:15:59,220 And if Veronica Deane 403 00:15:59,221 --> 00:16:02,751 doesn't get her wrinkly old ass out here with the Tsarina, 404 00:16:02,752 --> 00:16:04,881 I guess we'll have to go find it! 405 00:16:04,882 --> 00:16:06,871 Shh. 406 00:16:06,872 --> 00:16:08,751 First of all... 407 00:16:08,752 --> 00:16:10,911 Giggles! Yum-Yum! Pinky Brewster! 408 00:16:10,912 --> 00:16:14,819 Tear this place apart, room by room! 409 00:16:14,820 --> 00:16:16,971 And please don't take this the wrong way, 410 00:16:16,972 --> 00:16:19,931 but your butt is like ka-kow. 411 00:16:19,932 --> 00:16:20,961 They're going to kill me. 412 00:16:20,962 --> 00:16:22,871 No, no, they're not. 413 00:16:22,872 --> 00:16:24,981 I have a plan, but I'm going to need you to trust me. 414 00:16:24,982 --> 00:16:26,801 Why? 415 00:16:26,802 --> 00:16:27,670 Because this. 416 00:16:27,828 --> 00:16:28,931 What are you doing? 417 00:16:28,932 --> 00:16:29,981 They'll see it. 418 00:16:29,982 --> 00:16:32,097 Shh. I know. I want them to. 419 00:16:32,252 --> 00:16:33,384 What? Why? 420 00:16:33,385 --> 00:16:34,891 Because I'm gonna... um, 421 00:16:34,892 --> 00:16:36,831 incapacitate one of them 422 00:16:36,832 --> 00:16:37,931 and then take his place. 423 00:16:37,932 --> 00:16:39,791 Are you insane? 424 00:16:39,792 --> 00:16:40,971 What? It's a proven concept. 425 00:16:40,972 --> 00:16:43,811 Luke Skywalker and Han Solo. 426 00:16:43,812 --> 00:16:45,891 Um, probably a ton of other examples. 427 00:16:45,892 --> 00:16:47,841 Oh, God. I'm gonna die. 428 00:16:47,842 --> 00:16:49,751 - I'm gonna die. - Shh, hush, no you're not, 429 00:16:49,752 --> 00:16:50,871 I'm gonna get you out of here. 430 00:16:50,872 --> 00:16:51,961 But to do that, 431 00:16:51,962 --> 00:16:53,981 I'm gonna have to do a very bad thing. 432 00:16:53,982 --> 00:16:56,861 W-What? What do you mean? 433 00:16:56,862 --> 00:16:58,761 Great. 434 00:16:58,762 --> 00:16:59,922 Had to be the goofy pink one. 435 00:17:01,351 --> 00:17:02,981 Just promise me you won't scream. 436 00:17:02,982 --> 00:17:04,771 I... What? 437 00:17:04,772 --> 00:17:05,881 I can't promise that. 438 00:17:05,882 --> 00:17:07,771 Okay, so if you feel it coming, 439 00:17:07,772 --> 00:17:09,841 maybe just do it into your hand, phrasing. 440 00:17:09,842 --> 00:17:10,891 Can you do that for me? 441 00:17:10,892 --> 00:17:12,811 I... I don't know. 442 00:17:12,812 --> 00:17:13,821 I'll try. 443 00:17:13,822 --> 00:17:14,861 Good, you're doing great. 444 00:17:14,862 --> 00:17:15,971 Just remember to breathe 445 00:17:15,972 --> 00:17:17,771 in and out. 446 00:17:17,772 --> 00:17:18,891 In... 447 00:17:18,892 --> 00:17:20,771 and out. 448 00:17:20,772 --> 00:17:21,861 In... 449 00:17:21,862 --> 00:17:22,901 and out. 450 00:17:22,902 --> 00:17:24,831 Phrasing, doing great, 451 00:17:24,832 --> 00:17:26,921 and sorry in advance for what's about to happen. 452 00:17:29,852 --> 00:17:31,831 Oh, baby, 453 00:17:31,832 --> 00:17:32,971 don't you worry. 454 00:17:32,972 --> 00:17:35,901 I'm gonna give you something to scream about. 455 00:17:35,902 --> 00:17:37,761 Hey, Rompers, guess... 456 00:17:51,912 --> 00:17:54,811 So hey, again, I'm sorry. 457 00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:56,881 Why, that wasn't so bad. 458 00:17:56,882 --> 00:17:58,951 I mean, you made it sound like you were going to... 459 00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:05,881 No, sorry for that. 460 00:18:05,882 --> 00:18:06,981 Why did you do that? 461 00:18:06,982 --> 00:18:09,445 What? That... That's how you do it. 462 00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:10,951 You could have just tied him up. 463 00:18:10,952 --> 00:18:13,821 With what? And also, no, I couldn't. 464 00:18:13,822 --> 00:18:14,921 That only works in the movies. 465 00:18:14,922 --> 00:18:17,751 He would've gotten loose or yelled or... 466 00:18:17,752 --> 00:18:19,801 Well, shooting him would've been better than that. 467 00:18:19,802 --> 00:18:21,841 Not for him. Plus it's really loud, 468 00:18:21,842 --> 00:18:23,911 and I actually do have tinnitus, so... 469 00:18:23,912 --> 00:18:25,891 Where did you learn that, the army? 470 00:18:25,892 --> 00:18:29,677 What? No, no, God, no. 471 00:18:29,678 --> 00:18:30,891 But, I mean, don't get me wrong. 472 00:18:30,892 --> 00:18:32,841 I truly appreciate the sacrifices 473 00:18:32,842 --> 00:18:34,891 of the men and women who serve in our armed forces, 474 00:18:34,892 --> 00:18:36,990 but there's easier ways to almost 475 00:18:37,015 --> 00:18:38,841 be eligible for food stamps. 476 00:18:38,842 --> 00:18:40,901 It is just criminal what they get paid. 477 00:18:40,902 --> 00:18:42,911 Although, I'd probably be an officer. 478 00:18:42,912 --> 00:18:44,971 Still, though... 479 00:18:44,972 --> 00:18:46,931 seems like a lot of running. 480 00:18:46,932 --> 00:18:48,771 And now if you'll excuse me, 481 00:18:48,772 --> 00:18:50,811 I'm going to go kill some evil clowns. 482 00:18:51,972 --> 00:18:53,791 Do you... 483 00:18:53,792 --> 00:18:54,891 have an erection? 484 00:18:54,892 --> 00:18:56,752 No. 485 00:18:57,982 --> 00:18:58,982 No. 486 00:19:15,706 --> 00:19:16,795 There he is. 487 00:19:18,586 --> 00:19:19,705 How you doing, bub? 488 00:19:19,706 --> 00:19:20,795 Uh, who... 489 00:19:20,796 --> 00:19:22,695 Whuzza... 490 00:19:22,696 --> 00:19:24,725 Where... What happened? 491 00:19:24,726 --> 00:19:26,747 Oh, my God, what didn't happen? 492 00:19:26,892 --> 00:19:28,384 Well, for starters, 493 00:19:28,385 --> 00:19:29,725 you're a one-hitter quitter. 494 00:19:29,726 --> 00:19:31,765 Wait. How long was I out? 495 00:19:31,766 --> 00:19:33,765 Hm, like five hours? 496 00:19:33,766 --> 00:19:35,892 Oh, that is not good. 497 00:19:36,039 --> 00:19:37,655 Uh, no. 498 00:19:37,656 --> 00:19:39,025 You're gonna want a brain scan, 499 00:19:39,233 --> 00:19:40,775 you know, if we don't get murdered. 500 00:19:40,776 --> 00:19:42,565 Which... 501 00:19:42,566 --> 00:19:43,625 Veronica! 502 00:19:43,626 --> 00:19:44,625 Where's Veronica? 503 00:19:44,626 --> 00:19:45,775 That's the thing. 504 00:19:45,776 --> 00:19:47,635 Nobody knows. 505 00:19:47,636 --> 00:19:49,645 And these guys are losing their shit. 506 00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:50,755 Well, they're under a lot of stress. 507 00:19:50,756 --> 00:19:52,635 Don't start. 508 00:19:52,636 --> 00:19:54,605 Because somehow, some stupid idiot 509 00:19:54,606 --> 00:19:55,765 must've called 911. 510 00:19:55,766 --> 00:19:58,575 And so about a jillion cops showed up, 511 00:19:58,576 --> 00:20:00,685 so then it was a full-on siege. 512 00:20:00,686 --> 00:20:02,715 And then after that, the head clown... 513 00:20:02,716 --> 00:20:04,745 Mr. Rompers. 514 00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:06,575 He's awesome. 515 00:20:06,576 --> 00:20:07,765 And he was like, "This blows dicks. 516 00:20:07,766 --> 00:20:09,675 The bathroom situation's a nightmare. 517 00:20:09,676 --> 00:20:11,595 I'm making an executive decision. 518 00:20:11,596 --> 00:20:12,735 This is too many hostages." 519 00:20:12,736 --> 00:20:14,715 And so then they let everyone go. 520 00:20:14,716 --> 00:20:16,795 Wait, what? Everybody? 521 00:20:16,796 --> 00:20:19,785 Well, except for kinda... 522 00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:23,615 the core group. 523 00:20:23,616 --> 00:20:25,735 Oh, and the band, which... 524 00:20:25,736 --> 00:20:28,645 Good job, guys! Doing great! 525 00:20:28,646 --> 00:20:31,063 Goddamn it! 526 00:20:31,088 --> 00:20:33,665 What did I say about running your mouth? 527 00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:35,745 Sorry, that was my jam. 528 00:20:35,746 --> 00:20:38,685 Hey, Mr. Rompers. 529 00:20:38,686 --> 00:20:40,675 Shut... up! 530 00:20:40,676 --> 00:20:42,575 Everybody! 531 00:20:43,606 --> 00:20:45,575 Wait, so did... 532 00:20:45,576 --> 00:20:46,595 Shut up. 533 00:20:46,596 --> 00:20:47,645 Pam, tell him the best part. 534 00:20:47,646 --> 00:20:49,735 Wh... That is the least best part. 535 00:20:49,736 --> 00:20:51,565 Tell him! 536 00:20:51,566 --> 00:20:52,595 So Cheryl here... 537 00:20:52,596 --> 00:20:53,735 I'm sorry. 538 00:20:53,736 --> 00:20:57,615 Tania here has decided she's got Stockholm Syndrome. 539 00:20:57,616 --> 00:21:00,775 And soon I will be Mrs. Rompers. 540 00:21:00,776 --> 00:21:02,675 Again, that's if we don't get murdered. 541 00:21:03,716 --> 00:21:05,616 Shh. 542 00:21:06,636 --> 00:21:08,626 Which... 543 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,670 Synced and corrected by VitoSilans - www.Addic7ed.com - 543 00:21:13,305 --> 00:21:19,507 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from OpenSubtitles.org