1
00:00:01,950 --> 00:00:03,250
[Malory] Now, then, Mr. Crane,
2
00:00:03,300 --> 00:00:07,000
tell us what the Archer
Agency can do for you.
3
00:00:07,050 --> 00:00:08,600
- Well, I...
- Excuse me.
4
00:00:08,650 --> 00:00:10,425
It's the Figgis Agency.
5
00:00:10,475 --> 00:00:12,925
Cyril, please!
Stop interrupting.
6
00:00:12,975 --> 00:00:15,775
Now, Mr. Crane,
how can we help you?
7
00:00:15,825 --> 00:00:19,675
Well, I'm afraid that someone,
or someones,
8
00:00:19,725 --> 00:00:22,600
is trying to sabotage my latest
picture, Deadly Velvet.
9
00:00:22,650 --> 00:00:24,100
[door opens, shoes scuffle]
10
00:00:24,150 --> 00:00:25,775
[chuckling] You mean
besides the critics?
11
00:00:25,825 --> 00:00:28,100
Huh? We're still in production.
12
00:00:28,150 --> 00:00:30,675
It's a joke.
Lighten up, Fritz Lang.
13
00:00:30,725 --> 00:00:31,825
[clears throat]
14
00:00:31,875 --> 00:00:34,150
And what makes you
suspect sabotage?
15
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,275
Well, as Lana can confirm...
16
00:00:36,325 --> 00:00:38,625
Oh-ho-ho, so now it's "Lana"?
17
00:00:38,675 --> 00:00:41,850
Uh, Miss Kane, rather,
who, as you know,
18
00:00:41,900 --> 00:00:43,475
has recently begun working
19
00:00:43,525 --> 00:00:45,950
on the picture as a
technical advisor.
20
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:47,700
There's already been
three accidents on-set
21
00:00:47,750 --> 00:00:49,325
which were pretty suspicious.
22
00:00:49,375 --> 00:00:51,325
A fire,
a camera crane collapsed...
23
00:00:51,375 --> 00:00:53,200
Narrowly missing
several crew members.
24
00:00:53,250 --> 00:00:55,200
And yesterday, there was
some kind of malfunction
25
00:00:55,250 --> 00:00:56,475
with a stuntman's airbag.
26
00:00:56,525 --> 00:00:59,000
That poor devil
may be paralyzed.
27
00:00:59,050 --> 00:01:01,350
Well,
it certainly sounds suspicious.
28
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:04,050
But why come to us?
Why not the police?
29
00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:05,475
- I...
- I don't know, Cyril.
30
00:01:05,525 --> 00:01:08,025
Maybe he wanted to be
interrupted every five seconds.
31
00:01:08,075 --> 00:01:09,650
I don't, actually.
32
00:01:09,700 --> 00:01:11,325
And Ellis doesn't want
the police involved.
33
00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:13,150
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
So now it's "Ellis"?
34
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,500
Yes, Archer.
It's Ellis. And Lana.
35
00:01:15,550 --> 00:01:17,150
He and I are on a
first-name basis,
36
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:19,350
whereas you and
I are on a break!
37
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:21,225
Yeah, how you holdin' up?
38
00:01:21,275 --> 00:01:23,375
- Pff.
- I'll take that as a "barely."
39
00:01:23,425 --> 00:01:24,900
Take it however you want.
40
00:01:24,950 --> 00:01:26,200
Already did, so...
41
00:01:26,250 --> 00:01:28,375
- Could we...
- Cyril, I swear to God...
42
00:01:28,425 --> 00:01:30,600
Malory!
Ellis wants to hire the agency
43
00:01:30,650 --> 00:01:31,950
to go undercover on the set.
44
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,125
[gasps] Ooh.
45
00:01:33,175 --> 00:01:34,850
You could pose as
technical advisor.
46
00:01:34,900 --> 00:01:36,350
I already am.
47
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,675
- Posing.
- The technical advisor.
48
00:01:38,725 --> 00:01:40,800
And if someone is trying
to sabotage the movie,
49
00:01:40,850 --> 00:01:43,575
- our job is to catch them.
- Discreetly.
50
00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:46,525
If the insurance company
pulls the bond or, God forbid,
51
00:01:46,575 --> 00:01:48,525
my investors back out,
I'll be ruined!
52
00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:51,725
Don't worry, Mr. Crane.
We won't let that happen.
53
00:01:51,775 --> 00:01:53,050
Put your faith in us.
54
00:01:53,100 --> 00:01:55,725
[groans] I'm afraid I must.
55
00:01:55,775 --> 00:01:57,400
We'll see you there
this afternoon.
56
00:01:57,450 --> 00:01:59,575
Ellis,
should we get back to the set?
57
00:02:00,825 --> 00:02:02,550
Meh?
Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh?
58
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,050
[sighs]
59
00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:07,775
- And, uh, how are you holding up?
- Pff.
60
00:02:07,825 --> 00:02:09,575
All right, listen up.
61
00:02:09,625 --> 00:02:13,225
As much as I hate,
hate, hate, hate...
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00:02:13,275 --> 00:02:15,750
to do this, a movie set is huge,
63
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:18,550
so we're going to need all of
you to go undercover, so...
64
00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:20,550
- Yay!
- Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
65
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:24,300
[groans] So try to act
like professionals.
66
00:02:24,350 --> 00:02:27,100
Professional whats?
What do we have to do, more work?
67
00:02:27,150 --> 00:02:30,350
Well, I've tried to match the
various production departments
68
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,550
to your skill sets,
such as they are,
69
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:36,250
so Cyril... accounting.
Get into those books.
70
00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:37,900
Find out who could
benefit from cost overruns
71
00:02:37,950 --> 00:02:39,750
or delays in production.
72
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,575
And that is exactly what I was
going to tell myself to do, so...
73
00:02:42,625 --> 00:02:43,975
Pam... craft services.
74
00:02:44,025 --> 00:02:45,275
Goddamn it.
75
00:02:45,325 --> 00:02:47,475
Wh...
I'm the one who knows macramé.
76
00:02:47,525 --> 00:02:49,950
And you're also
babysitting Carol.
77
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,150
Wh...
Why do I need a babysitter?
78
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:53,950
Because they've
already had one fire.
79
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,150
[sighs] Then why not
just leave her here?
80
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:57,625
Because we've
already had one fire.
81
00:02:57,675 --> 00:02:59,300
Now, then, Gillette...
82
00:02:59,350 --> 00:03:00,600
Hair and makeup, hair and makeup,
hair and makeup,
83
00:03:00,650 --> 00:03:01,825
hair and makeup,
hair and makeup!
84
00:03:01,875 --> 00:03:03,000
Finished?
85
00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:04,600
Yes. Grip.
86
00:03:04,650 --> 00:03:05,925
Goddamn it!
87
00:03:05,975 --> 00:03:07,425
Ooh, what about me?
What about me?
88
00:03:07,475 --> 00:03:10,600
Oh,
you just sort of skulk around.
89
00:03:10,650 --> 00:03:12,275
Oh, I will.
90
00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:15,450
And I shall pose as
an executive producer,
91
00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:17,325
which leaves Sterling.
92
00:03:17,375 --> 00:03:20,325
Yeah, it leaves him right here
'cause I'll be damned
93
00:03:20,375 --> 00:03:23,175
if I'm helping Lana's new
pretend boyfriend make a movie.
94
00:03:23,225 --> 00:03:26,125
- Oh, that's too bad.
- Yeah, well...
95
00:03:26,175 --> 00:03:28,025
Krieger,
I suppose you'll just have to be
96
00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:29,800
Veronica Deane's new bodyguard.
97
00:03:29,850 --> 00:03:32,625
- [gasps]
- [car horn blowing]
98
00:03:32,675 --> 00:03:33,850
Let's go, you dumb idiots.
99
00:03:33,900 --> 00:03:35,325
Well, one of you, anyway.
100
00:03:35,375 --> 00:03:37,375
The rest of you,
I guess maybe carpool.
101
00:03:37,425 --> 00:03:39,625
Luigi won't let anybody
ride in the cab.
102
00:03:39,675 --> 00:03:41,875
I mean,
unless you're down for road head.
103
00:03:41,925 --> 00:03:43,650
Shotgun!
104
00:03:43,700 --> 00:03:45,850
♪♪ [theme]
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00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:53,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
106
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,200
sync and corrected by othelo
www.addic7ed.com
107
00:04:22,750 --> 00:04:24,400
[Pam] ♪ Lunch, hot lunch! ♪
108
00:04:24,450 --> 00:04:26,425
♪ You get it from
hot lunch Pam ♪
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00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:28,175
♪ Hot lunch! ♪
110
00:04:28,225 --> 00:04:29,575
[Carol] Okay.
Jesus, why are you in such
111
00:04:29,625 --> 00:04:31,525
an obnoxiously good mood?
112
00:04:31,575 --> 00:04:33,200
Because that crazy dago
113
00:04:33,250 --> 00:04:34,700
let me drive the truck,
114
00:04:34,750 --> 00:04:37,100
so I was the road head-ee.
115
00:04:37,150 --> 00:04:39,100
Yeah. Win for you.
116
00:04:39,150 --> 00:04:42,225
Yep. Just one of the many
perks of having a C.D.L.
117
00:04:42,275 --> 00:04:43,575
What's a C.D.L.?
118
00:04:43,625 --> 00:04:45,600
Commercial driver's license.
119
00:04:45,650 --> 00:04:48,775
And also a [bleep].
120
00:04:48,825 --> 00:04:50,775
Ugh! You are so gross.
121
00:04:50,825 --> 00:04:52,550
[chuckling] That's what he said.
122
00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:54,100
But in Italian.
123
00:04:54,150 --> 00:04:55,550
Who said what in Italian?
124
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:56,750
Don't ask. You'll gag.
125
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,050
I thought maybe you
dopes had stumbled
126
00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:01,125
onto some sort of
mafia shakedown.
127
00:05:01,175 --> 00:05:02,725
We've been here,
like, four minutes.
128
00:05:02,775 --> 00:05:04,725
Well?
Anything suspicious so far?
129
00:05:04,775 --> 00:05:06,125
Uh, just you?
130
00:05:06,175 --> 00:05:09,100
What, I'm a flamboyant
Hollywood producer.
131
00:05:09,150 --> 00:05:10,400
Not the world's
tiniest drag queen?
132
00:05:10,450 --> 00:05:11,725
What?
133
00:05:11,775 --> 00:05:13,400
I said we'll keep you updated.
134
00:05:13,450 --> 00:05:15,175
Well, you'd better, missy.
135
00:05:16,675 --> 00:05:19,025
Holy shit,
did she just eat a grape?
136
00:05:19,075 --> 00:05:20,325
Must be her cheat day.
137
00:05:21,775 --> 00:05:23,400
[Archer] Man,
it really looks like the '40s.
138
00:05:23,450 --> 00:05:24,900
This is weird, right?
139
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:27,075
Like the time Star
Trek went to Chicago.
140
00:05:27,125 --> 00:05:30,075
Or Nazi Germany,
for whatever idiot reason.
141
00:05:30,125 --> 00:05:31,250
Archer?
142
00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:33,325
Shapiro?
What are you doing here?
143
00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:34,475
Protecting my client
144
00:05:34,525 --> 00:05:36,625
with my colleagues,
Smith & Wesson.
145
00:05:36,675 --> 00:05:39,175
Oh, really, 'cause I'd
like to meet those guys.
146
00:05:39,225 --> 00:05:40,325
Come on, stop.
147
00:05:40,375 --> 00:05:41,925
First of all,
not a Smith & Wesson.
148
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:44,000
I know,
but I was going for the whole...
149
00:05:44,050 --> 00:05:46,425
- Second of all, this.
- No, no, no, no, no.
150
00:05:46,475 --> 00:05:47,725
[gun clatters]
151
00:05:49,225 --> 00:05:50,425
Goddamn it.
152
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,425
What the hell, man?
I needed that.
153
00:05:52,475 --> 00:05:53,625
No, you didn't.
154
00:05:53,675 --> 00:05:55,950
Yes, I did.
This set is dangerous.
155
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,800
As dangerous as
you with a firearm?
156
00:05:57,850 --> 00:05:59,275
Are you kid...
157
00:05:59,325 --> 00:06:00,500
Shit's catching on fire.
158
00:06:00,550 --> 00:06:02,000
Shit's falling on people.
159
00:06:02,050 --> 00:06:04,950
People are falling on shit.
Like the ground.
160
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,175
Well, I think it's all just
a big dumb coincidence,
161
00:06:07,225 --> 00:06:10,000
but even if it's not,
don't worry about... [gasps]
162
00:06:11,825 --> 00:06:12,875
Veronica Deane.
163
00:06:13,875 --> 00:06:15,850
Yes? Oh, hello, Alan.
164
00:06:15,900 --> 00:06:17,800
Wait. That's why you're here?
165
00:06:17,850 --> 00:06:19,350
Yeah, Crane hired us.
166
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,525
It's nice to see you again,
Ms. Deane.
167
00:06:21,575 --> 00:06:22,975
I'm sorry. Have we met?
168
00:06:23,025 --> 00:06:24,525
Oh, um, yeah.
169
00:06:24,575 --> 00:06:26,675
I'm Sterling Archer,
private investigator.
170
00:06:26,725 --> 00:06:28,800
You hired me.
171
00:06:28,850 --> 00:06:30,200
Um, and then another time,
172
00:06:30,250 --> 00:06:32,150
I protected you in
a hostage situation,
173
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,550
dressed as a clown.
174
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:35,550
- Is this not ringing any...
- Alan?
175
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,875
Apparently Ellis hired him to
protect you during the shoot.
176
00:06:38,925 --> 00:06:42,325
Other than my ex-husband's refusal
to let me get on with my life,
177
00:06:42,375 --> 00:06:45,600
the only thing I need protection
from is this clunky dialogue.
178
00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:48,850
Thought I had a joke, but...
179
00:06:48,900 --> 00:06:51,000
Mr... Archer, was it?
180
00:06:51,050 --> 00:06:53,400
Yeah. We actually even kissed.
181
00:06:53,450 --> 00:06:56,025
I'm sorry you've wasted your
time, but I can assure you
182
00:06:56,075 --> 00:06:57,825
I have absolutely no need
for a bodyguard, so...
183
00:06:57,875 --> 00:06:58,875
- [man] Look out!
- [gasps]
184
00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:08,575
[people gasping, yelling]
185
00:07:08,625 --> 00:07:10,375
You were saying?
186
00:07:10,425 --> 00:07:13,175
[sighs]
187
00:07:13,225 --> 00:07:14,800
[chuckling] Yeah, you were.
188
00:07:23,550 --> 00:07:26,225
[man] Move those cans. Now!
189
00:07:26,275 --> 00:07:28,800
Don't you break my cables!
Come on, people!
190
00:07:28,850 --> 00:07:31,000
Move the cables! Careful!
191
00:07:31,050 --> 00:07:32,975
Oh, for God's sakes, what now?
192
00:07:33,025 --> 00:07:35,100
Looks like a runaway forklift.
193
00:07:35,150 --> 00:07:39,100
[groaning] That, and I'm pretty
sure my ribs are shattered.
194
00:07:39,150 --> 00:07:42,000
- Like breadsticks.
- Move those lights, you fools!
195
00:07:42,050 --> 00:07:45,150
Oh,
we're just hemorrhaging money.
196
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:48,325
- And speaking of hemorrhaging...
- What in the hell happened?
197
00:07:48,375 --> 00:07:50,975
- A forklift.
- And a forkwad.
198
00:07:51,025 --> 00:07:52,775
What's the big idea,
kicking my guts out?
199
00:07:52,825 --> 00:07:55,625
When, just now?
When I saved your life?
200
00:07:55,675 --> 00:07:57,800
- And mine.
- Oh, now...
201
00:07:57,850 --> 00:07:59,625
Oh, please.
202
00:07:59,675 --> 00:08:01,025
What's her problem?
203
00:08:01,075 --> 00:08:02,300
How much time do you have?
204
00:08:02,350 --> 00:08:04,325
[Carol] What is wrong with you?!
205
00:08:04,375 --> 00:08:07,800
[grunting] What's wrong with you,
lady?
206
00:08:07,850 --> 00:08:09,300
You killed it.
207
00:08:09,350 --> 00:08:12,475
It was beautiful,
and you blew it out!
208
00:08:12,525 --> 00:08:15,150
[screams] You maniacs!
209
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,475
You blew it out! Damn you!
210
00:08:17,525 --> 00:08:19,725
Goddamn you all to hell!
211
00:08:19,775 --> 00:08:21,350
What the hell, Tunt?
212
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,150
You leave me to craft all
the service by myself?
213
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:25,550
I smelled fire.
214
00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:26,700
You mean smoke.
215
00:08:26,750 --> 00:08:28,000
Uh, no.
216
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:30,025
Oh, I can't believe this.
217
00:08:30,075 --> 00:08:32,650
Yes, it would appear your
"phantom" has struck agai...
218
00:08:32,700 --> 00:08:34,025
Shh-shh-shh-shh...
219
00:08:34,075 --> 00:08:36,500
Back to work, you...
you goldbricks.
220
00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:39,000
All right, you heard the man.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
221
00:08:39,050 --> 00:08:40,700
[people chattering]
222
00:08:40,750 --> 00:08:42,850
That's exactly the sort of rumor
223
00:08:42,900 --> 00:08:44,350
I don't want you
spreading around.
224
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,050
Maybe this was just an accident.
225
00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:49,200
Nah, somebody definitely
tampered with it.
226
00:08:49,250 --> 00:08:51,250
The brake line's cut,
the steering wheel's tied off,
227
00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:53,250
and the throttle linkage
is jammed wide open.
228
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:54,575
Yeah, I was gonna say...
229
00:08:54,625 --> 00:08:55,750
linkage jam.
230
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:57,350
Says the man who pays
231
00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:59,550
to have his Ferrari trucked
around on a flatbed.
232
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,600
And how much is
that costing you?
233
00:09:01,650 --> 00:09:03,525
Actually, not much more
than just driving it,
234
00:09:03,575 --> 00:09:04,900
when you factor in
all the repairs.
235
00:09:04,950 --> 00:09:06,050
Plus no DUIs.
236
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:07,350
[chuckling] Well, fewer.
237
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:08,700
And shut up.
238
00:09:08,750 --> 00:09:10,375
You wanna try and make me? Huh?
239
00:09:10,425 --> 00:09:13,200
Now, listen here, you...
you rounder.
240
00:09:13,250 --> 00:09:14,925
You keep a civil tone
here with Ms. Kane,
241
00:09:14,975 --> 00:09:17,050
or I'll throw you off
this set so fast you'll...
242
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:19,200
you'll pass yourself going.
243
00:09:19,250 --> 00:09:20,875
- Wait, what?
- You'll do nothing of the sort.
244
00:09:20,925 --> 00:09:22,700
Archer is my bodyguard,
245
00:09:22,750 --> 00:09:25,375
and if he goes, you can find
yourself another female lead.
246
00:09:25,425 --> 00:09:27,950
And on the off chance you
plan to shoot anything today,
247
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,275
I'll be in my dressing room!
248
00:09:30,325 --> 00:09:32,425
Archer? Shall we?
249
00:09:32,475 --> 00:09:34,400
[chuckling] Yes,
we probably shall.
250
00:09:34,450 --> 00:09:35,725
Damn it.
251
00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:38,725
Yeah, well Ellis and I will
be in his dressing room, so...
252
00:09:38,775 --> 00:09:40,300
shall we?
253
00:09:40,350 --> 00:09:42,800
Actually, my dear, I need
to go meet with my investors
254
00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,925
to cushion the blow about this,
255
00:09:44,975 --> 00:09:47,975
as it were, so... hmm.
256
00:09:48,025 --> 00:09:49,575
So, apparently, you shan't.
257
00:09:49,625 --> 00:09:51,575
Oh, my God, jealous much?
258
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:54,075
[laughs] Jealous.
259
00:09:54,125 --> 00:09:57,325
It's getting hard to tell the
kettles from the pots around here.
260
00:09:57,375 --> 00:09:59,775
Well, usually,
kettles have whistles.
261
00:09:59,825 --> 00:10:01,075
If that helps.
262
00:10:01,125 --> 00:10:02,325
[sighs]
263
00:10:02,375 --> 00:10:04,450
Hey, Malory,
do you have a minute?
264
00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:07,450
"Malory"?
What happened to "Ms. Archer"?
265
00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:09,925
Well, technically,
they both work for me, so...
266
00:10:09,975 --> 00:10:13,825
So you thought today would be a good
day to try on your big-boy britches
267
00:10:13,875 --> 00:10:15,925
right in the middle
of a mystery?
268
00:10:15,975 --> 00:10:17,100
That's my point.
269
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,775
I think I may have found a clue.
270
00:10:18,825 --> 00:10:20,325
Well, all right, Cyril.
271
00:10:20,375 --> 00:10:24,175
But you'd better just wind
in that neck, Mr. Man.
272
00:10:24,225 --> 00:10:25,800
So, Archer...
273
00:10:25,850 --> 00:10:27,775
would you say women,
on the whole,
274
00:10:27,825 --> 00:10:29,475
found him attractive?
275
00:10:29,525 --> 00:10:31,150
[chuckles] Which hole?
276
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:32,625
Because yes.
277
00:10:32,675 --> 00:10:34,275
Albeit grudgingly.
278
00:10:34,325 --> 00:10:36,775
[sighs] And sexually,
would you say...
279
00:10:36,825 --> 00:10:39,450
[laughing] Which hole?
280
00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:40,950
[clears throat] Sorry. What?
281
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,825
And would you say he's...
accomplished?
282
00:10:43,875 --> 00:10:45,325
Like, is he good at plowing?
283
00:10:45,375 --> 00:10:46,950
You know he's straight, right?
284
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,975
- I'm...
- Aww, Li'l Baby Elton...
285
00:10:49,025 --> 00:10:50,475
I'm straight.
286
00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:52,375
[gasps] Okay, hypothetically...
287
00:10:52,425 --> 00:10:55,850
No, not... Wait...
Look, I'm in love with Veronica.
288
00:10:55,900 --> 00:10:58,050
I have been since the first
time I laid eyes on her.
289
00:10:58,100 --> 00:10:59,700
I'll never forget that moment.
290
00:10:59,750 --> 00:11:02,650
It felt like I got kicked
in the chest by a mule.
291
00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:04,975
Yeah, you don't forget
a hoof to the tits.
292
00:11:05,025 --> 00:11:06,475
Or shooting your first mule.
293
00:11:06,525 --> 00:11:08,475
Wh...
[sighs] How many have you shot?
294
00:11:08,525 --> 00:11:10,025
Hmm... two.
295
00:11:10,075 --> 00:11:11,975
Anyway,
since she and Crane divorced,
296
00:11:12,025 --> 00:11:13,400
I thought I might have a chance.
297
00:11:13,450 --> 00:11:15,025
[laughs]
298
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:16,850
But now I'm worried she
might fall for Archer.
299
00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:18,400
If she hasn't already.
300
00:11:18,450 --> 00:11:20,025
Which...
301
00:11:20,075 --> 00:11:21,500
I just need a moment to change
302
00:11:21,550 --> 00:11:23,675
into something more comfortable.
303
00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:25,725
But, please,
do make yourself at home.
304
00:11:25,775 --> 00:11:27,700
Faites comme chez vouz,
as the French say.
305
00:11:27,750 --> 00:11:29,500
Please, take your time.
306
00:11:29,550 --> 00:11:32,000
Oh, and there should be a
bottle of champagne chilling.
307
00:11:32,050 --> 00:11:34,500
- [bottle pops]
- ♪♪ [soft jazz]
308
00:11:34,550 --> 00:11:37,175
So there is.
309
00:11:37,225 --> 00:11:39,425
So you want us to
quit doing our jobs
310
00:11:39,475 --> 00:11:41,025
to help you cockblock Archer?
311
00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:44,375
Well, I... Wait.
Was that sarcastic, or...
312
00:11:44,425 --> 00:11:47,250
- No.
- Then, yeah, I'd love that.
313
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:48,400
Really?
314
00:11:48,450 --> 00:11:51,100
Enough to shoot a mule?
315
00:11:51,150 --> 00:11:53,100
I mean, not that I think
it'll come to that.
316
00:11:53,150 --> 00:11:54,525
[Malory] You lost me.
317
00:11:54,575 --> 00:11:56,425
[Cyril] Which I think
is the whole point here.
318
00:11:56,475 --> 00:11:58,200
I mean,
in all my years of accounting,
319
00:11:58,250 --> 00:11:59,425
I've never seen
anything like it.
320
00:11:59,475 --> 00:12:02,025
And I've seen some
pretty crazy stuff.
321
00:12:02,075 --> 00:12:04,200
Treating deferred revenue
as earned revenue,
322
00:12:04,250 --> 00:12:06,550
lapping, force balancing, uh...
323
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,450
All right, Cyril, I get it.
324
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:11,250
Yours is a world of
mystery and adventure.
325
00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:13,550
But pretend I'm not HAL 9000.
326
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,075
Okay, the best I can tell,
basically,
327
00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:16,725
the investors on this movie
328
00:12:16,775 --> 00:12:18,950
will make more money if
production shuts down.
329
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:20,800
From the production insurance?
330
00:12:20,850 --> 00:12:23,100
It's insured for triple what they
could hope to make at the box office.
331
00:12:23,150 --> 00:12:26,900
But Crane was going on and on about
not wanting to lose the insurance...
332
00:12:26,950 --> 00:12:28,625
Yeah, that's the proverbial rub.
333
00:12:28,675 --> 00:12:30,775
The insurance bond
is actually reinsured
334
00:12:30,825 --> 00:12:32,775
by a shell corporation
in Florida,
335
00:12:32,825 --> 00:12:36,075
whose policy is reinsured by
a shell corporation in Panama,
336
00:12:36,125 --> 00:12:38,400
and so on and so
on down the line
337
00:12:38,450 --> 00:12:40,600
until... well,
I lost the trail in Liberia.
338
00:12:40,650 --> 00:12:42,950
Pff. The Cousin
Oliver of Africa.
339
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,750
But the name of the
Florida shell company is...
340
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,450
wait for it... Sandhill-Crane.
341
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:50,750
So? Some panhandle trash-bird?
342
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:54,000
[sighs] Not that kind of crane.
Ellis Crane.
343
00:12:54,050 --> 00:12:55,425
I think he's behind this company
344
00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:57,425
and all these so-called
"accidents."
345
00:12:57,475 --> 00:13:01,325
Which means he would stand to
benefit if production were shut down.
346
00:13:01,375 --> 00:13:03,425
He'd make millions.
347
00:13:03,475 --> 00:13:05,850
Pretty impressive detective work,
if I do say so myself.
348
00:13:07,650 --> 00:13:10,275
And apparently I'm the only
one who's gonna say it, so...
349
00:13:10,325 --> 00:13:11,975
Oh, get over yourself, Rain Man.
350
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:14,600
Sandhill-Crane could
just be a coincidence.
351
00:13:14,650 --> 00:13:16,150
It's not enough
to prove anything.
352
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,275
No, we need to catch
Crane in the act somehow.
353
00:13:19,325 --> 00:13:21,275
Maybe if we used
someone as bait.
354
00:13:21,325 --> 00:13:23,150
Yeah, I don't know.
How would that even...
355
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:24,825
Where's Gillette?
356
00:13:24,875 --> 00:13:26,650
Yeah, see?
When we feather it out like that,
357
00:13:26,700 --> 00:13:28,125
it really frames your face.
358
00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:30,200
And I mean,
with your cheekbones...
359
00:13:30,250 --> 00:13:31,300
- [door opens]
- [gasps]
360
00:13:31,350 --> 00:13:34,050
What the hell are you doing?
361
00:13:35,725 --> 00:13:37,175
Gripping?
362
00:13:45,475 --> 00:13:46,600
[Malory] All right, Cyril.
363
00:13:46,650 --> 00:13:50,050
So if Crane really is
behind all these accidents,
364
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:53,525
the question is how
do we catch him?
365
00:13:53,575 --> 00:13:55,175
Oh, you're asking me. Sorry.
366
00:13:55,225 --> 00:13:56,750
I thought that was rhetorical.
367
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,425
Why would I be asking
rhetorical questions?
368
00:13:59,475 --> 00:14:01,700
- Bec...
- That one was.
369
00:14:01,750 --> 00:14:03,100
All right,
so what's the plan, guys?
370
00:14:03,150 --> 00:14:05,250
How do we stop Archer from
hooking up with Veronica?
371
00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:06,700
Umm...
372
00:14:06,750 --> 00:14:08,375
Ooh!
We could throw acid in her face.
373
00:14:08,425 --> 00:14:09,875
Wh... Jesus.
374
00:14:09,925 --> 00:14:11,525
What is wrong with you?
375
00:14:11,575 --> 00:14:14,075
What? Then you swoop in
and take care of her,
376
00:14:14,125 --> 00:14:16,050
and then slowly,
after many years,
377
00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:19,575
she might fall in some weird
semblance of love with you.
378
00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:22,075
Yeah,
I think maybe we can do better.
379
00:14:22,125 --> 00:14:24,775
Okay, but the perfect is
the enemy of the good.
380
00:14:24,825 --> 00:14:25,925
Mm.
381
00:14:25,975 --> 00:14:28,075
Ooh. How about I seduce her?
382
00:14:28,125 --> 00:14:30,775
Yeah,
I don't think she's bisexual.
383
00:14:30,825 --> 00:14:32,550
[scoffs] Who cares?
384
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:34,750
Plus,
I bet she'd prefer the acid.
385
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:35,800
Hey, you know what?
386
00:14:35,850 --> 00:14:37,600
What are you ninnies doing?
387
00:14:37,650 --> 00:14:39,600
- Looking for acid.
- [together] No, we're not.
388
00:14:39,650 --> 00:14:43,225
This is no time to be taking your
damn drugs, you hippie dropouts.
389
00:14:43,275 --> 00:14:47,400
We think Ellis Crane might be the
one who's sabotaging the production.
390
00:14:47,450 --> 00:14:49,075
Holy shit-snacks.
391
00:14:49,125 --> 00:14:51,400
- Who's Ellis Crane?
- I knew it.
392
00:14:51,450 --> 00:14:53,600
I mean, I didn't know it.
I had no idea whatsoever.
393
00:14:53,650 --> 00:14:56,075
But now that you say it,
it makes total sense.
394
00:14:56,125 --> 00:14:57,450
But what makes you
think it's Crane?
395
00:14:57,500 --> 00:14:59,075
- Well, I...
- Doesn't matter.
396
00:14:59,125 --> 00:15:01,150
Or it won't,
once we can catch him red-handed,
397
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,425
which is what we're
hatching a plan to do.
398
00:15:03,475 --> 00:15:05,125
Ooh. How about I seduce him?
399
00:15:05,175 --> 00:15:08,725
[sighs] Pam,
I doubt the man is bisexual.
400
00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:11,100
[scoffs] Who care... Wait, what?
401
00:15:11,150 --> 00:15:13,500
And even if he were,
he wouldn't want a blob like you.
402
00:15:13,550 --> 00:15:16,925
I mean, when was the last
time you even saw your penis?
403
00:15:16,975 --> 00:15:18,325
I...
404
00:15:20,225 --> 00:15:22,175
She knows you're a woman, right?
405
00:15:22,225 --> 00:15:23,425
I thought she did.
406
00:15:23,475 --> 00:15:25,000
Wait. You had sex with her.
407
00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:27,500
Yeah,
but she was all tore-up drunk.
408
00:15:27,550 --> 00:15:29,800
Oh, right.
Plus I was wearing a stra...
409
00:15:29,850 --> 00:15:31,450
- Eww!
- What?
410
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:32,825
Don't ask. You'll gag.
411
00:15:32,875 --> 00:15:33,950
[chuckling] She certainly did.
412
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,175
Who did what?
413
00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:36,625
Seriously, don't ask.
414
00:15:36,675 --> 00:15:38,175
But let me ask you this.
415
00:15:38,225 --> 00:15:40,625
Do you think there's
anything about Archer
416
00:15:40,675 --> 00:15:43,500
that women would
find to be a turnoff?
417
00:15:43,550 --> 00:15:45,950
[laughs] Oh, you're serious.
418
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,800
Well, then, shit.
Where to begin? Umm...
419
00:15:48,850 --> 00:15:51,825
And there is a bit of
a clock on this, so...
420
00:15:51,875 --> 00:15:54,200
- Why?
- Well, he and Veronica
421
00:15:54,250 --> 00:15:56,625
have been in her dressing
room for a while now.
422
00:15:56,675 --> 00:15:57,675
Uh-huh.
423
00:15:57,725 --> 00:16:01,150
And since apparently Archer's
penis is like a crack pipe...
424
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,700
What, in size and/or shape?
425
00:16:02,750 --> 00:16:06,550
They said if he has sex with Veronica,
she'll fall head over heels for him.
426
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:08,875
Oh, they did, did they?
427
00:16:08,925 --> 00:16:10,350
Yes.
428
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:14,200
[exhales] Did you, um...
429
00:16:14,250 --> 00:16:15,550
Mm-hmm.
430
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,725
Hm. Me too.
431
00:16:17,775 --> 00:16:19,400
[chuckling] Yes, I know.
432
00:16:19,450 --> 00:16:20,825
Oh, right.
433
00:16:20,875 --> 00:16:22,500
Sorry about the, uh...
434
00:16:22,550 --> 00:16:25,175
- I think it'll come out.
- Phrasing. Still, though.
435
00:16:25,225 --> 00:16:27,325
But as much as I'd love
to lie here and bask
436
00:16:27,375 --> 00:16:28,900
in this post-coital glow...
437
00:16:28,950 --> 00:16:30,750
Right? We've got champagne.
438
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,575
We're over the worst
of the stickiness.
439
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:34,850
I know,
but it's very nearly 3:00.
440
00:16:34,900 --> 00:16:36,375
Really? That late?
441
00:16:36,425 --> 00:16:38,250
Yes, almost exactly 3:00,
442
00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:41,425
and I'm late for a
wardrobe fitting, so...
443
00:16:41,475 --> 00:16:43,850
So I'll just wait for you here,
or...
444
00:16:43,900 --> 00:16:45,350
Um, sure.
445
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:46,750
I'm sorry I have to run,
446
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:48,750
but it's almost
the stroke of 3:00.
447
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,550
Yeah, you mentioned...
448
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,050
Mm, mwah. Back soon.
449
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:57,375
- And I'll be here, slowly drying.
- [door opens, closes]
450
00:16:57,425 --> 00:16:58,700
Ahh...
451
00:16:58,750 --> 00:17:00,700
Oh, man, I can't believe
452
00:17:00,750 --> 00:17:02,700
I just made love
to Veronica Deane.
453
00:17:02,750 --> 00:17:05,875
I wonder if this is how
Tenzing Norgay felt.
454
00:17:05,925 --> 00:17:10,100
Holy shit, I wonder if this is
how Tenzing Norgay always feels.
455
00:17:10,150 --> 00:17:11,875
[Lana] What, sticky?
456
00:17:11,925 --> 00:17:13,125
Gulp.
457
00:17:13,175 --> 00:17:16,125
You know,
we could just confront Crane
458
00:17:16,175 --> 00:17:18,375
- with the evidence.
- The flimsy evidence.
459
00:17:18,425 --> 00:17:20,625
Yeah, but maybe his reaction
would give him away.
460
00:17:20,675 --> 00:17:22,600
Hmm.
461
00:17:22,650 --> 00:17:26,550
All right. So we just barge
into his dressing room and...
462
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:27,950
ambush him!
463
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,100
Because you said
we were on a break!
464
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:32,550
So two days later,
your cock's wet?
465
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,925
Oh, I'm sorry, Lana,
is there a grace period?
466
00:17:34,975 --> 00:17:37,000
- If there is, you neglected to tell me.
- There's an acceptable amount of time
467
00:17:37,050 --> 00:17:39,825
before you start cramming
your trash dick...
468
00:17:39,875 --> 00:17:42,400
You never bother to
consult me on anything.
469
00:17:42,450 --> 00:17:45,575
And for your information,
this stupid break wasn't my idea.
470
00:17:45,625 --> 00:17:47,075
It was yours!
471
00:17:47,125 --> 00:17:50,150
Because you,
prolapsed rectum that you are,
472
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,650
are infatuated with
Veronica Deane,
473
00:17:52,700 --> 00:17:56,500
whose cobwebby old snooch, by
the way, I can smell from here.
474
00:17:56,550 --> 00:17:59,425
[chuckles] Well,
it's not cobwebby anymore.
475
00:17:59,475 --> 00:18:01,425
[growls]
476
00:18:01,475 --> 00:18:02,975
[grunting, thudding]
477
00:18:03,025 --> 00:18:04,125
- Lana!
- [Lana yelling]
478
00:18:04,175 --> 00:18:06,175
So that's your plan.
479
00:18:06,225 --> 00:18:08,425
- Yeah.
- In its entirety.
480
00:18:08,475 --> 00:18:09,775
Yep.
481
00:18:09,825 --> 00:18:11,775
We just slam the
door open and say...
482
00:18:11,825 --> 00:18:13,100
Don't do it!
483
00:18:13,150 --> 00:18:14,600
He's riddled with clap!
484
00:18:14,650 --> 00:18:15,775
[Archer] What?
485
00:18:15,825 --> 00:18:17,300
Um...
486
00:18:17,350 --> 00:18:18,775
[both panting]
487
00:18:18,825 --> 00:18:19,825
[together] What?
488
00:18:19,875 --> 00:18:21,775
I, um...
489
00:18:21,825 --> 00:18:23,325
Man, you ever do that...
490
00:18:23,375 --> 00:18:26,150
you walk in a room
and you forget why?
491
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,325
- [together] No.
- And what are you looking at?
492
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:30,850
Wow. It is kind of
like a crack pipe.
493
00:18:30,900 --> 00:18:34,825
Will you idiots please leave so I
can beat this man's ass in private?
494
00:18:34,875 --> 00:18:36,800
Oh, whatever.
I was beating your...
495
00:18:36,850 --> 00:18:37,975
- [woman screams]
- [gasp]
496
00:18:38,025 --> 00:18:40,525
Mother! Move, idiots!
497
00:18:40,575 --> 00:18:43,125
- [Shapiro] Out of my way.
- [Pam] Follow that ass.
498
00:18:43,175 --> 00:18:45,350
Mother!
Mother, are you all right?
499
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:46,500
Why wouldn't I be?
500
00:18:46,550 --> 00:18:48,050
I... I heard you scream.
501
00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:50,000
That wasn't me. It was this one.
502
00:18:50,050 --> 00:18:52,225
Well, it was very upsetting.
503
00:18:52,275 --> 00:18:54,150
- [Shapiro] Whoa.
- [Pam] Oh, my God.
504
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,475
[Archer] Oh.
Yeah, that is pretty upsetting.
505
00:18:56,525 --> 00:18:59,025
And what the hell
are you wearing?
506
00:18:59,075 --> 00:19:02,500
I think technically
it's a loincloth?
507
00:19:02,550 --> 00:19:05,025
Fashioned out of a
baby-doll nightie.
508
00:19:05,075 --> 00:19:06,325
[sighs]
509
00:19:06,375 --> 00:19:07,900
Well, I'm sorry, Mother.
510
00:19:07,950 --> 00:19:10,325
I didn't know I'd be
going to a funeral.
511
00:19:10,375 --> 00:19:11,925
I would've worn a black one.
512
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,500
[Dietrich] Okay,
people, uh, listen up.
513
00:19:23,550 --> 00:19:26,025
This is now an active
homicide investigation,
514
00:19:26,075 --> 00:19:28,925
and while the situation on the
ground may be somewhat fluid...
515
00:19:28,975 --> 00:19:31,725
[chuckling] Fluid on the ground,
on the walls...
516
00:19:31,775 --> 00:19:33,525
You shut up!
517
00:19:33,575 --> 00:19:36,525
Shut your mouth, or I swear
to Christ in His heaven
518
00:19:36,575 --> 00:19:39,225
I will personally frame
you for this murder!
519
00:19:39,275 --> 00:19:40,700
Hey, bub, remember?
520
00:19:40,750 --> 00:19:42,600
About the thing?
521
00:19:42,650 --> 00:19:45,225
[clears throat] Please
disregard my previous statement.
522
00:19:45,275 --> 00:19:47,575
Merely an ill-advised
attempt at levity.
523
00:19:47,625 --> 00:19:50,575
Okay. And in light of
your various professional,
524
00:19:50,625 --> 00:19:53,700
or, in some cases, personal
relationships with the victim,
525
00:19:53,750 --> 00:19:56,775
at the present time,
you are all persons of interest.
526
00:19:56,825 --> 00:19:57,900
[overlapping chattering]
527
00:19:57,950 --> 00:19:59,875
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Calm down.
528
00:19:59,925 --> 00:20:03,575
He didn't say "suspects". Yet.
529
00:20:03,625 --> 00:20:05,875
But until we do
have a suspect...
530
00:20:05,925 --> 00:20:07,550
Or suspects.
531
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,225
We are gonna have to ask you
532
00:20:09,275 --> 00:20:10,800
not to leave town
without checking with us.
533
00:20:10,850 --> 00:20:12,550
But that's ridiculous.
534
00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:15,625
It wasn't any of us.
He hired us for protection.
535
00:20:15,675 --> 00:20:17,425
What, like a protection racket?
536
00:20:17,475 --> 00:20:18,925
No, you...
537
00:20:18,975 --> 00:20:20,400
We think Crane was caught up
538
00:20:20,450 --> 00:20:21,900
in some sort of insurance fraud,
539
00:20:21,950 --> 00:20:24,075
all the way from
here to Liberia.
540
00:20:24,125 --> 00:20:26,075
Okay, okay. And we're gonna
be looking into all that,
541
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:28,075
- but in the meantime...
- We've all got alibis.
542
00:20:28,125 --> 00:20:29,475
Then you've got
nothing to worry about.
543
00:20:29,525 --> 00:20:31,075
Yeah,
because they'll be easy to check.
544
00:20:31,125 --> 00:20:32,450
We've got an exact
time of death.
545
00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:34,425
But a time-of-death estimate
546
00:20:34,475 --> 00:20:37,325
is only exact to within
maybe one hour, so...
547
00:20:37,375 --> 00:20:38,825
Try one second, gnome-nuts.
548
00:20:38,875 --> 00:20:40,425
[overlapping muttering]
549
00:20:40,475 --> 00:20:42,300
The victim had a
defensive wound.
550
00:20:42,350 --> 00:20:44,250
Bullet went right
through his Rolex.
551
00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:48,125
[imitates gunshot] Exact
time of death, 2:14 p.m.
552
00:20:48,175 --> 00:20:50,000
[overlapping chattering]
553
00:20:50,050 --> 00:20:51,775
Well, my goodness,
what a relief.
554
00:20:51,825 --> 00:20:53,125
No, I just mean...
555
00:20:53,175 --> 00:20:56,100
Well, you know, the ex-wife,
a bitter divorce.
556
00:20:56,150 --> 00:20:58,100
I'm sure I would've
been the prime suspect.
557
00:20:58,150 --> 00:20:59,800
But I couldn't have
murdered Ellis.
558
00:20:59,850 --> 00:21:01,975
I was with you, Archer.
559
00:21:02,025 --> 00:21:03,600
Remember?
560
00:21:03,650 --> 00:21:05,875
Until almost the stroke of 3:00.
561
00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:10,000
Um...
562
00:21:12,250 --> 00:21:14,750
www.addic7ed.com
562
00:21:15,305 --> 00:21:21,661
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