Once you get through the northernmost skylight,
you're gonna crack it open and slide on in there
like the old lambskin you found
in your best friend's sister's purse...
positioning you right above
- the cedarwood coffee table. - Okay, we're in.
Body cams are online and... Whoa, boy!
Cyril has not been skipping leg day.
- Thank you, but focus. - Yep, yep, yep!
The furniture and floor are armed with timed
pressure-sensitive alarms, so on every surface,
- you only have... - Three seconds.
I can't believe we're at the headquarters of Hands,
the greatest inventor in history,
- and I don't get to meet her. - Listen, man,
we've all fallen for a reclusive billionaire-tech genius.
No, my lust for Hands is a more advanced brain lust,
- If you will. - Like a zombie?
Is brain lust why you designed your hologram
girlfriend to have the same proportions as a Barbie?
I'm looking for someone who challenges me.
The only challenge with Mitsuko
is keeping her projector from overheating.
Jesus. This is heavy.
Sure wish we could find a strength-boosting
exo-suit to make this easier.
Just through that tunnel and into the vault,
and your wish will soon be granted.
Any sign of Juno operatives approaching?
No sign of those dicks yet,
but let's steal the shit we need and get the hell out
like it's one of Gillette's dinner parties.
Copy that. Starting descent now.
Cyril, do you have visual?
Affirmative.
- What the... - Took you long enough.
What are you doing here?
Why are you doing missions without me?
How did you even know where we'd be?
Because, Lana, I'm the world's greatest spy.
And how'd you get here before us?
God damn it, Cyril! I just told you!
I'm the world's greatest spy.
It is pretty impressive you shut off
all the countermeasures without our intel
so you could access the vault.
The... do what now?
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
Have you seen Sterling?
I don't know. Maybe. Probably... Not.
Probably not.
He was supposed to meet me for lunch an hour ago,
and that idiot stood me up.
- He should be here any minute. - Yes, ma'am.
Would you like me to bring out your seafood tower
when it's ready, or shall we wait?
If I wanted my food to rot in the kitchen,
looking sad, I'd be ordering
a big bowl of you on your break.
Find Sterling, tell him I'm here,
and then tell him I'm busy. Oh.
And tell him that the Buckley Bay oysters
are out of season after today, and they were...
Unbelievable. You're doing missions without me?
Because this is what happens when you come along!
None of this would have happened
if you told me about the goddamn mission.
No, none of this would have happened
- if you weren't a spoiled asshole. - Let's all take a breath.
We can't change what has already happened.
We must keep moving forward.
He's right. We just need to get there
and get the exo-suit before Juno shows up.
Okay, a, what's a Juno? And, b, what's Cyril doing?
I'm using a mantra to help remain focused on the present
- and stay positive. - Oh, my god, Cyril.
No one wants a life coach whose entire life
has been a giant losing streak.
Juno is a rival spy agency who started showing up
on our radar during your coma.
Speaking of Juno, I just set up a laser grid
around the perimeter of the compound
to alert us when they arrive.
- You mean, if they arrive. - Right.
And if they do show up, we'll be out of here
because Krieger has us covered.
Then does Krieger want to explain
why I'm still on the floor, using my turtleneck
- as a $3,000 broom? - Working on it,
but I'm gonna need a retinal scan.
Is it unsettling to anybody else how comfortable Cyril
is playing Jim Henson with a dead guy?
Archer, please stay outside.
You've made your point, okay?
We're... sorry for doing missions without you,
and we'll talk about everything after this is over.
- But I... - You'll just get in the way.
I'm only staying out here because I'm proving a point
about what I'd rather do than spend time with you two!
I... I've been such a giving mother,
and all he does is take.
He's treating his new valets better than me.
And he's fired all of them.
I was literally right by his side
throughout his entire coma,
and he can't even make it to a lunch.
I mean...
What is wrong with you?
Oh, my god! I must be going into anaphylactic shock!
Get one of the needles in the blue bag
in my desk and stick it in my neck!
Wait. No!
The needle's in the red bag!
You're not allergic to shellfish.
- That's Pam, you idiot. - Oh.
Speaking of Pam...
why hasn't anyone from the mission checked in?
- This isn't like them. - Mm, yes.
But can you still inject me with one of those needles?
It can be from the blue bag or the red bag.
Dealer's choice.
Uh, Krieger. I don't see the exo-suit.
I'm just seeing what appears to be
a bunch of random useless crap.
- Are you looking in a mirror? Burn! - Oh, trust me.
It's not random. Everything Hands does
has meaning. She's so cool.
Oh, shit. It's Malory.
You know you have to tell her that Archer is here.
- What the shit, Archer? - Relax, Lana.
I'm sure your billionaire husband, Robert,
can buy you a new phone
or maybe the factory that makes them.
Uh, why does Archer
look redder than an unstuck dog's dick?
Oh. No, no, no, no, no.
He's not wearing a heat-locking suit!
Lana, Archer has to get out of there.
- He's too hot. - Shit. Archer, you're too hot.
I know you wanna make up for excluding me,
but acknowledgement of my attractiveness
is not an apology.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Damn it. It's locked.
And you guys wanted to go on missions without me.
So... what are we looking for?
Great. We're locked inside a high-security
vault that appears to be protecting a collection
of bar mitzvah gifts.
Krieger, since you know the place so well,
please enlighten us on how we get out of here.
I'm on it, but in the meantime,
do not put your hands on anything
and send me a visual scan of the room.
I'm obviously not gonna touch anything.
I'm not a complete moron.
Look, after whichever on you dies first,
I can throw a little fiesta.
- Damn it, Archer. - What? That was fun.
Countdown commence.
Countdown to what?
- Maybe more confetti? - Confetti's positive, right?
Archer, please don't touch anything else.
- Define "anything." - Wha!
I need you guys to show me, piece by piece,
what's on those shelves.
A phaser, coconut radio, a fedora,
cursed idol, a mysterious floating cube...
see, all of these things represent something
- in Hands's life, something she's... - Played a hand in?
- Huh? - Of course! It's a puzzle!
She's protecting the exo-suit with a puzzle.
Finally. God. I've been bored as dog dicks.
Mitsuko's not really a fun hang.
Sorry that this couldn't be more fun for you
and that I might die in a vault with limited oxygen
because I'm with two assholes
who suck the air out of every room they're in.
I'm sorry, but I need to exercise.
It helps me focus and rid myself of anxious energy.
Oh, if you're looking for an exercise
to define your jawline, why don't you try
shutting the hell up? Thank you, Chuck Barris.
- Wha! - Archer. Archer!
- Archeeeeer! - What?
Stop! Touching! Everything!
I've taken this last known photo of Hands
and converted it into a stereogram.
- Now we'll take the stereogram... - Holy shitsnacks.
- Is this Stalin? - No, it's Hands.
- Yeah, next to Joseph Stalin. - Hey, guys.
The stereogram revealed a binary code,
which, when fed into a translator,
delivered the word "babushka."
- Does that mean anything? - Ooh! Ooh!
Earlier, I, uh, saw one of these, uh,
- Russian nesting dolls. - Ah, sweet!
- Open it up. - Are you sure?
- Cyril, just open the doll. - Okay.
Uh, it's empty.
Huh. There's supposed to be a bunch of tiny dolls trapped inside.
- What did you just do, Cyril? - Damn it, Cyril.
Oh, my god. We're the tiny dolls
trapped inside, and we're all gonna die.
I send a team to snatch
some valuable tech prototype before Juno...
- Ugh, those dicks. - And suddenly, everyone forgets
- how to pick up a phone? - So disrespectful.
You're the only one around here
who gets to keep secrets about missions.
Right! Speaking of which...
Where the hell is Sterling?!
He's probably at home because you told me
to send out that fake company email
about the building fumigation so he wouldn't come in.
I never told you to do that.
We're on such a roll with all these lies to Sterling,
- I just can't stop! - I'm not trying to lie.
I just want to protect him. He's not ready.
I wish my mom-slash-boss would lie to me
to keep me from getting hurt.
Wait! Have you been telling me a bunch of lies?
- Call him. - No!
We've told him so many lies,
and we're right on the verge of breaking him.
Fine.
- I don't know his number. - Move. Idiot.
Hello? Oh, my god.
- Who are you trying to reach? - Sterling.
Who the hell is this?
Is he the handsome man in the black turtleneck?
'Cause I guess he's not so handsome now.
What happened?
This is his mother! Where is he?
Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry.
I don't know how to tell you this.
- He... he... he... - Oh, my god. Oh, my god!
- What have I done? - Got ya!
Post-coma voicemail hoax.
Yeah, I'm doing it.
The mailbox you are trying to reach is full.
- God damn it! - And the student becomes the master.
Uh, we're relying on Pam and Krieger
to solve this death puzzle?
Archer, please. The power of positive change
lives within... Oh, just answer it!
No, I don't wanna talk to my mom about her stupid
mother-son annual seafood lunch
that I missed... that never existed before today...
Oh, my god... and was planned to distract me from
coming on this mission.
- She did this! - Yes, but she can help us.
Help us? She can't even find me a decent valet.
Excuse me. You think I can't open the door myself?
- You're fired. - But, sir,
it is quite literally my job to help you.
You don't have a job.
Now close the door for me so I can open it again myself,
and then go home and shut the door on your neck.
After you pick up my dry cleaning.
Fine. I'll call her, but only to get her to apologize.
Malory Archer's office.
Yeah, it's me. Put me through.
- Please hold. - Well, well, well.
if it isn't my ungrateful son who stood me up.
No! Mother! Mother, what happened?
Oh, my god! Ms. Archer's been hit!
No! Oh, my god.
I never should have come on this mission
just to prove a p...
Ha! Elaborate voicemail prank.
- Leave it! - Ahh!
I can't believe I choked
on the taste of my own medicine.
No, I'm pretty sure that's just the toxic gas.
Oh, shit!
The dicks from Juno have breached our perimeter.
There's only one thing we can do now.
They need us.
No, do not come here. Get us help.
Oh, hell yeah!
Whaaat? Bonus turtleneck hot wing! Sweet!
Ki-yah! Ki-yah!
- Ki-yah! Ki-yah! Ki-yah! - Oh.
You know, Lana. Since I got out of my coma,
it's been really enlightening to see
how you treat people you allegedly "care about."
How I treat people I care about?
Yeah, Lana, you keep them far away from you
so you can do whatever you decide is best for you.
- I'm sorry? - You sent our daughter
a million miles away to Swiss boarding school
so you don't have to deal with her?
"Don't have to deal with her"?
I sent her there to receive the best education
in the world instead of sitting around,
waiting for you to get out of a coma.
Oh, okay. So I'm being punished
because I chose to be in a coma for three years.
Not everything is about you! Oh, my god!
We're only in this stupid death trap
- because you do whatever you want! - This is bullshit.
All of these stupid toys don't mean anything.
It's all just... oh, my god.
- The six million dollar man. - Archer, no!
Forget it.
Ahh!
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ow!
Holy shit.
Am I dead? This has to be heaven.
Wait. I went to heaven?
That... that can't be right.
- Are you the devil? - Not quite.
Although, I'm sure the devil will be as equally thrilled
when you arrive, Sterling Archer.
So do you want a drink?
Uh, well, I guess if you're eventually gonna kill me,
I might as well be drunk for that, so, yeah.
A whiskey.
- Do you need this? - Yes, thank you.
I'm not gonna kill you.
I mean, crush you... sure...
in electric football.
- Boosh! - Ha! Holy shit.
I always wanted one of these.
Ugh, Archer was right.
It is somehow worse
when it's just the two of us.
Universe, send us a sign.
Now shut up and focus on figuring out
how to get us out of here!
Thank you, Lana. You're right.
Three seconds.
Damn it!
Okay. All right.
Alley-oop!
Okay. All right.
Oh, shit!
God damn it!
God damn it.
- Being a spy is not that hard. - Right?
Get me out of here!
Get out. Get out.
Okay, go back. Go back! Go back!
Nice!
Am I still in a coma?
Because these graphics are amazing.
- This place is incredible. - Yeah, I've always loved games,
But after my accident, I got really into them.
They ease my mind, but they're also an escape from...
my physical limitations.
Oh, so your accident is why they call you "Hands."
What? No, dummy.
Obviously, it's because I'm the greatest
inventor of all time,
at the grace of these perfect hands.
Uh?
Did you invent that backpack thing?
The exo-suit? Jesus.
Have you been in a coma for three years?
Yeah. Here, you should try it on.
When inside, it redistributes weight with pressurized air.
So people like you and me
can move our entire bodies with no pain.
Oh, my god.
I haven't felt like this since space.
I'm weightless. Whoo-hoo!
Ya-ha-ha-ha!
Wait. Is this what we were trying to steal?
Well, your team wants to steal it
to prevent me from selling to the highest bidder.
- And Juno? - Juno wants to steal it
- because they are dicks. - But this shouldn't be stolen.
This should be shared with everyone.
What's the point of stealing it?
Oh, shit. It's a weapon.
This entire house is a trained killer!
I know, right? God, it's cool.
- What about Archer? - We need to get back to the van first.
We can track Archer from there.
Oh, what about the exo-suit? What about Hands?
The van is the Alamo!
Good luck with that.
I'm gonna beat the high score on everything.
This thing is incredible.
Do you know what I could do with this?
I could do everything I used to do, but better.
- I could... - You can't have sex
- in the suit. - Well, I'm not so sure
- about that. - Dude, you cannot have sex
- in the suit. Trust me. - Well, now I can do a ton of
other stuff I used to do.
I can run. I can jump.
I can squat. I can drink, which, honestly,
hasn't really changed anyway, but still...
- I'm glad you like it, Archer. - Like it? I love it!
I love this house. I love this bar.
I love this room. I love this.
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
I don't wanna be a spy anymore!
- Stupid! - Fall back!
Fall back!
What the hell?
- Shit. I gotta go. - What are you talking about?
They're professionals, and they made a choice
to do this mission without you.
Yeah, but they obviously need me.
After everything they've done to you?
They lied to you, chastised you,
and excluded you simply because of your disability.
They didn't even try to look for you.
They were gonna leave you here.
- They don't deserve you. - Huh.
It's over.
Just come out and give us the damn exo-suit.
What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?
- What do we do? - All right.
Cyril and I will engage them in hand-to-hand.
- Krieger, use the distraction to... - Got it.
Ah! I'm hit! I'm hit!
I'm hit in my beautiful leg!
Shit!
- There's too many of them! - Looks like you guys
- could use some help. - Who's there?
Oh, just the world's greatest spy.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
Just so we're clear; you guys do want my help now?
- Yes! - Stop screwing around.
Are you two sure I'm not going to
"just get in the way"?
- Damn it, Archer! We need you. - And we're sorry!
- Ahh! - That wasn't so hard now, was it?
Wow, Archer.
I guess being back on missions really "suits" you.
- What? - Because of your exo-suit.
I think you mean "my exo-suit."
If you leave here with that suit,
it will only ever be used for death and destruction.
- I don't think that's true. - You got to see firsthand
how this technology can save a life and improve...
Life? Five minutes ago,
you were trying to convince me to abandon my friends
- and let them die. - Hey!
- That's destructive thinking! - What?
That was... a test.
I just woke up, and I can tell that's bullshit.
Archer, no one should be limited the way we are.
if you leave it here with me, I can continue perfecting it.
And then, when it's ready, I can share it
with the people who need it most.
Well, I've determined that I am the person
who needs it the most. Good-bye, Hands.
Come on, Archer. Let's go.
- I can't move. - Oh, Archer.
You think the smartest robotics engineer on the planet
- wouldn't install a backup plan? - Oh, no!
On second thought...
It's probably best
if the suit stays with you.
- Die, you dicks!
No! You maniacs!
You blew it up!
Oh, damn you! God damn you all to hell!
Oh, Krieger, sorry about Mitsuko, dude.
Are you kidding? I have hundreds of backups of her files.
But do you know how much cherry custom work
went into that van?
That was a sweet-ass van, dude.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
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