[NARRATOR] As puberty begins, hormones are released
and the sexual organs begin to change.
The uterus is the center of female reproductive activity...
The uterus? I thought girls had vaginas.
I thought that, too, but I guess they don't.
Maybe vagina is, like, slang.
[VOICE] Did someone say "vagina"?
- Oh, no, no, no. Not now. - Fuck, yeah, now!
[LAUGHING]
Go away. You are not real.
You're just some hormone monster my brain created.
If I'm not real, then how come I'm sending blood
to your sweet penis right now?
- [MOANS] Come on. - [NARRATOR] The ovaries release the egg,
then travel down the Fallopian tube.
"Fallopian." What a savory word.
Describes exactly what it is, you know what I mean?
Okay, I should tell you, this is school and we need boundaries.
If you want me to go away, you know what you have to do.
- [SIGHS] Jerk off... - Jerk off, yeah, yeah, yeah! Exactly.
Let's go to the bathroom and climax into that thin toilet paper.
[GROANS]
How come in all these videos
puberty for boys is like the miracle of ejaculation
and for girls we're just a yarn ball of aching tubes?
- Ew, that's gross. - Yeah, exactly.
And that's why we need equal pay.
My dad says when you take into account maternity leave,
- you do get equal pay. - Your dad's a scumbag DUI attorney.
Yeah, and he makes bank.
Too bad he can't afford tweezers for that unibrow.
- [SCREAMS] Shut up, Matthew! - Come on, come on, come on!
Wheels up in 30 seconds.
Ms. Kazan, can I please go to the bathroom, please?
If you don't get out of here right now,
we're gonna "Jackson Pollack" all over your pants.
- Who? - He's a famous abstract expressionist.
- Oh, my God... - I'll take notes for you, Andrew.
- Thanks, Missy. - Let's go, let's go.
- I'm coming, I'm coming. - Not yet.
That's why we gotta get to the bathroom, sweetheart.
AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday
Am I a lucky guy or what?
I've got this beautiful family, a gorgeous home,
the sounds of Duke Ellington... a great African-American American.
Andrew, did you know that Duke Ellington died in this house?
I did, Dr. Birch. This house has rhythm.
That's right. What can I say? I love cocktail facts,
- and I also love this woman. - [CHUCKLES]
Not only did she prepare a fantastic meal
and birthed three beautiful children...
- no drugs. - Oh, please. Nick slipped right out of me.
- Mom, Andrew's here. - He's family.
Anyway, he shouldn't be afraid of a vagina.
- Okay, can we be excused? - Once you pay the "snuggle tax."
- Come here. - Come here.
- Mom! - [SIGHS]
- Oh, I could eat you alive. - Can you not do this in front of Andrew?
- You smell like fresh-buttered baby. - Give me a whiff.
- Mom, loosen your grip. - I want to put you back up inside.
Okay, we're going up now. Goodbye.
Love you, Nicholas. Love you. And you, too, Andrew.
[THUMPS] Ooh! Ow! Sorry.
What a fantastic best friend. The kid's dynamite.
From the corner! Swish-hh!
Hey, so this, like, dance on Friday,
- I think I'm not gonna go. - Oh, please. Yes, you are.
I'm not gonna ask a girl. I don't need that kind of rejection.
We're gonna go as a group... me, you, Jessi and Jay.
But Jay's been bragging that he's gonna get fingered at the dance.
- What? - He's gonna get fingered.
Okay, first of all, I think he's got that wrong.
Either that or you have grossly misquoted him.
And Jay hasn't even kissed a girl, I guarantee it.
None of us have. Not, you know, with tongue anyway.
Of course, 'cause when you do kiss a girl, to make it official...
- There's gotta be tongue. - Major tongue.
- You want to flick your tongue around. - Ideally.
And you really want to get your tongue underneath hers, too.
Yeah, you want to get in there like a Claritin to just dissolve.
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES] - Yeah.
- We know what we're talking about. - It's nice to talk like men.
Yeah.
[BANGS]
Ow! It stings.
But it's worth it.
- [GROWLS] - [SCREAMS]
- What are you doing? - Oh, my God!
- Hi. - Hi.
- Don't look. - Of course. I'm not looking at all.
- No! Sorry. - Oh, my God.
- Sorry for what? - I don't know.
I don't know either.
[SLAMS]
You know, I actually didn't even see anything.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
Okay. Well, good night.
[TICKING]
Knock knock. Who's there? It's the Hormone Monster.
[CHUCKLES]
No, no, no, you gotta be kidding me.
- Nick is right there, sir. - And?
And I'm a good person. I wouldn't do that laying next to a friend.
- Then why am I here? - Oh, my God, you're always right.
- What the hell is wrong with me? - Nothing.
You're a perfectly normal gross little dirtbag.
Now stare at that cat clock and massage your dinger.
No. Nick's grandmother gave him that clock.
- She knew what she was doing. - Yeah, she did.
- Okay. - Oh...
What a little clock-tease.
Her eyes are darting back and forth,
thinking, "Meow-meow, who's got the cream?"
- Me. I've got the cream. - Yeah.
[MOANS]
- Oh, my God. - It's okay. It's okay.
Just picture your dad's associate Susan.
- [ANDREW] Oh, Susan. - [HORMONE MONSTER] Mmm...
Susan actually came to the summer outing,
and she said that I was really sprouting into a fine young man.
That's right. Look at her sinewy arms.
- Susan, show me your top naked. - Yeah.
- Oh, God. - And she's got Fallopian tubes.
Oh, God, okay.
So, Susan, um, what's it like
[GRUNTS] to be in human resources?
Uh... !
I'm done.
Good night, you prince of Westchester, you king of the tri-state area.
- Wait. What do we do about the mess? - Sleep in it, pig. Mwah.
So we're not going to Jay's to play basketball?
No. Um...
it turns out that I have family stuff this weekend.
Oh. Well... this is me.
- I'll see you at school on Monday? - Yeah.
Totally. Uh... have a nice rest of your weekend.
- Thank you. - Um, you're welcome.
- I'll get out on the curb side now. - Yeah, great.
- Traffic side. - Yeah, that's smart.
Bye, Mrs. Birch.
What's going on? I thought Andrew was staying over all weekend.
I just... it's nothing.
- Nick? - Nicholas, we're your parents.
You can tell us anything.
Okay.
Last night, when he was changing...
I saw Andrew's penis.
And now you're worried you're a homosexual?
Nicky, a man can touch another penis or even kiss one, very lightly,
and it still doesn't necessarily mean he's a homosexual.
When I was an undergraduate... your mother knows this story...
Dad, I'm not worried I'm gay.
- Honey, it's fine if you are. - It's better.
And by the way, you could do a lot worse than Andrew Glouberman.
It's not that, it's Andrew's...
Andrew's was... was different,
like bigger and hairier.
Sweetheart, Andrew's started to become a man.
That's right.
He's developed secondary sex characteristics.
- He has. - Thicker eyebrows...
- Mm-hmm. - engorged nipples.
- Engorged nipples. - Mom!
His penis is changing, from a boy penis to a man's penis.
- Mom! - And you may, like me,
never have a very big penis.
But if you understand a woman's body,
and more importantly her emotions, it doesn't matter.
It's true, Nicky. Before I met your father
I was with some men who were very well-endowed,
- and honestly, it was too much for me... - Okay.
- Your father's penis is my glass slipper. - And you're my Cinderella.
- Guys, please, stop! - Gimme a break.
I'm sure Andrew and his parents have had very similar conversations.
Eh... I don't know about that.
And then, you kinda jhoosh it down.
Barbara, what are you doing with my last good banana?
Dr. Oz says they need to learn.
Oh, he doesn't need to know anything.
- Actually... - Please, the next time
you think you need to know something, Andrew, shut your face!
Now give me the banana.
Jesus, it tastes like condom.
Thanks a lot, Mr. Sex Maniac.
[CLASS BELL RINGING]
- Hey. - How's it going?
- Uh, good. - Oh, okay.
[CLAPS] All right, look alive, you little maniacs.
I bet you're all, like, completely distracted by the big dance,
which I happen to be chaperoning.
You know, not a big deal.
I mean, they could have asked anyone, but, you know, I volunteered.
Let's just stop talking about the dance
and just focus on the fundamentals of basketball.
Oh, man, I hope they play music we like.
Bruh, I can't believe the dance is the same night as the Knicks game.
Yeah, it sucks. Porzingis is awesome, though, right?
[ANDREW] Oh, yeah. For a seven-footer, he's got an amazing shot.
Either way they gotta start playing defense.
[MUFFLED] Oh, yeah, they gotta defend better in the paint.
- What? - I said,
they gotta defend better in the paint.
[MUTTERS] Oh, my God, I'm losing my mind.
♪ Big dicks! ♪
♪ Hoops, hoops, hoops, hoops! ♪
♪ Penises playing basketball ♪
- ♪ Big dicks shootin' hoops ♪ - ♪ Hoops, hoops! ♪
♪ Passin', dribblin', bouncin', jigglin' ♪
♪ Big dicks on the loose ♪
- ♪ What? ♪ - No! Get away! Stop it!
[GRUNTS]
What the hell, man?
All right, knock it off, you two. Jeez, Louise.
Who wants to watch me grab rim?
- [BANGS] - [WHIMPERS] Ooh!
I knocked the wind outta my balls.
Hope I'm okay for the dance.
Why would Nick push me? Why is he being so weird?
Who cares? Nick's a baby.
Let's watch the sex scene from Dallas Buyers Club.
Oh, my God, do you think Nick saw me jerking off?
I told you I shouldn't do it in his room.
Or, here's an idea... maybe he's jealous of what a fucking man you are.
You should kick his ass.
Do that curbing thing where you stick his teeth on the edge of a curb
and stomp on the back of his head, what's that called?
- "Curbing"? - Yeah, that makes sense.
You should curb Nick.
Now let's watch McConaughey bang two meth heads at a rodeo,
and try not to think about AIDS.
- Andrew... - Yeah?
I'm thinking about AIDS.
Duke? Duke Ellington?
Ghost of Duke Ellington, are you up here?
Hey, hey, Nick! [LAUGHING]
You up here for some advice?
You know, sometimes, it feels like you're the only one I can turn to.
I get it, the living don't always have all the answers.
- Yeah. - Lucky for you,
I'm trapped between two realms. [LAUGHING]
- So, what's the problem? - Duke, I saw Andrew's penis,
and it was, like, way bigger and hairier than mine.
[CHUCKLES] Happened to me once, too.
The Cotton Club, 1938.
I saw Charlie Parker's penis in a bathroom,
and, good Lord, I felt inferior.
I mean, there's a reason they called him "The Bird."
What's the reason?
Because his pubic hair looked like feathers.
[LAUGHING]
- So what'd you do? - I went out
and made sweet love to Eva Gabor.
- No shit? - [CACKLING]
That's right, I balled a white woman
back when it really meant something.
So you're saying...
I'm saying, having a pretty girl on your arm
can make you feel a thousand feet tall.
So I should find the prettiest girl in school and ask her out?
Bingo-bango! "Furry triangle," if you know what I'm saying.
[CHUCKLES]
I think I do. Thanks, Duke.
Happy to help, little big guy.
- Shall I play you out? - Yeah, that'd be nice.
[SCAT SINGING]
♪ Talkin' about a furry triangle, yeah ♪
- ♪ Furry triangle, baby ♪ - [BELL RINGING]
Oh, hey, guys, I just wanted to remind you,
the theme of the dance is "A Night in Ancient Mesopotamia."
We're gonna put the "social" back in social studies.
Missy, do you mind? I'm doing a magic trick.
I love magic! It's like juggling, but it's definitely more confrontational,
that's for sure.
Yeah, it's like one person playing cards at you.
Okay, guys, shut up.
Okay, anyway, I think I have something in my mouth.
[GURGLES]
Is this your card?
Wow, Jay! I could barely tell
that you had the card palmed in your hand
when you reached into your mouth.
- Damn it, Missy! - If it's any consolation,
I literally never gave a shit about this from the beginning, so...
You guys are the fucking worst!
It doesn't get any cooler when you get, like, really angry.
♪ Talkin' about a furry triangle ♪
Here we go, Nick.
Whoa. What the hell is he doing?
Hello! Nick's going to talk to the eighth graders.
My God, he's got that Brian Grazer bravery.
- He's a petite, but he'll talk to anyone. - Oh, no.
Those girls are gonna eat him alive,
and then barf him out because they're bulimic.
You're fucking funny. She's funny!
We're friends now.
[THINKING] Don't mess this up, don't mess this up.
Play it cool. You've got the chops.
[NARRATOR] ... travel down the Fallopian tube...
- I want to put you back up inside. - Kiss the penis lightly.
- I knocked the wind out of my balls. - Ugh!
Hey, Olivia, this is like a stupid idea,
but do you wanna, like, go to the dance with me?
Dance? Cute. Yeah.
Oh. Okay, great.
Great. Cute, yeah.
Yeah, cute. Great.
- It's a palindrome. - Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
Okay, bye.
Huh.
I kinda thought we were going to the dance as a group.
That weasel bailed on you. He's such a slippery little shit.
- Hey, guys. - Tell him.
What the hell? You asked Olivia to the dance?
Yeah. What's the big deal?
You said you were going with us.
Yeah, but I mean, it's not like we had definitive plans.
[GROWLS] Rage, rage, fucking rage! That's bullshit!
- That's bullshit. - Andrew, dial it down.
- Everybody can see your feelings. - Yeah, you're acting kinda weird.
I'm not acting weird, you're acting weird.
Dude, I'm allowed to go to the dance with whoever I want.
It's not like you're my girlfriend or something.
All right, that's it! Let's find a curb
and smash that pretty little smile off his face!
Fuck you.
- [STUDENTS GASP] - [MURMURING]
Fight, fight! Worldstar!
Fight!
[MATTHEW] Exclusive... "Laurel and Farty" are about to fight.
Just... fuck you, man.
[COUGHING]
[WHEEZING] I got a card stuck in my windpipe.
- [SLAPS] - Ugh!
- Was that your card? - Nope.
[SNAPS] Oh, come on!
Andrew hasn't been over since the night of the penis,
and I think Nicky misses him.
Poor kid. You know, when I was Nicky's age
I had a bald little cashew,
and my friend Don Kinney, he had this great big sausage
nestled in a thick robin's nest of pubic hair.
It was something to behold.
Is Don the one who only got house arrest for insider trading?
Yeah. The system is so broken.
Oh, Elliot, I love it when you talk about broken institutions.
- [MOANING] - [ELLIOT] You like that?
- Oh, yeah. - [ELLIOT] Mm-hmm.
[DIANE CHUCKLES]
Wow, 12 hours and one minute.
Whew! That was astounding.
Anyway, I think this is something
the boys need to figure out for themselves.
Nick the Trick. [LAUGHS]
- Hey, Duke. - What's wrong, kid?
You nervous about your big date?
I'm honestly more nervous about seeing Andrew.
- He said, "Fuck you" to me yesterday. - Ah!
I regret one fight I had with my saxophonist, Studs Dupree.
- It got pretty ugly. - What happened? Did you guys make up?
Well, I was waiting for him to apologize,
and then he died of a heroin overdose.
Wow. That must have been really tough.
Yeah. I never did get that apology.
[LAUGHING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- Oh, hi, Missy. - Hey, Andrew.
Oh, actually, just for tonight could you refer to me as "Nanshe"?
The goddess of social justice...
- and also fishing. - That's great.
So should I pay for my ticket in ancient Sumerian silver?
[LAUGHING]
I get it. Mesopotamian silver mines
weren't actually operational until the mid-Bronze Age.
That's a great one. Where's Nick?
I wouldn't know. We decided to come alone.
You know, I find that being alone is actually a great gift
because it prepares you for what real life is, um, is like.
Yeah, I guess.
So, what's the deal after this thing? You guys wanna go get drinks?
I don't know, go to Panera, split a bread bowl?
Yeah, no, thanks.
We'll probably just go home and grade papers.
[SNORTS] Teachers at this school, you know, they never wanna hang out.
- They're always "so busy." - They're a gaggle of rancid cunts.
Yeah! I mean, that's, you know... pff-fft! That's a little harsh,
but I think we're basically on the same page.
Hey, ladies, you havin' fun?
- I think tonight's gonna be pretty... hot! - [GIRLS SCREAM]
Oh, my God, what the hell?
Yeah, we're wearing a ton of hairspray, you psycho!
[SCREAMS] I am not a psycho!
- Well played, Jay. - Look, your butt buddy's here.
- [JAY SNICKERS] - Oh.
We're not actually butt buddies anymore.
So, like, you've got an opening? I'd love to throw my butt in the ring.
- I don't like going to your house. - Oh, no, I promise,
my brothers aren't gonna make you poop in a litter box again.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- [PHONE CLICKING] - Good evening, Nicholas.
- Good evening, Jessica. - You psyched for your "big date"?
Yeah, well, Olivia's pretty much the hottest girl in school,
- so... mm, I'm pretty psyched. - Yeah, you should be psyched.
Just be prepared for some super-intellectual conversation.
- Why do you keep looking over at Andrew? - I'm not looking at Andrew,
- I'm excited for my date with Olivia. - Of course, yeah.
She's a beautiful complex woman
whose eyes go dead when she applies lip gloss.
- Well, Jessi, this has been so much fun. - Yeah.
But it looks like my super hot eighth-grade date has arrived.
[JESSI] Yeah, I can see her.
Holy shit, Olivia's hot.
I'm gonna pump my pillow full of Jay jizz later thinking about it.
Oh, hey, Olivia. You want to get a drink or something?
I think they have La Croix. It's only the coconut kind,
which is a little gross, but it's still kinda...
No, sorry. Dylan.
Oh... who? I thought we were going to this dance, like, together.
No, no, no.
Sorry, bro, she wants a real man.
Ninth grade, top of the food chain.
Um, actually, sweets and fats are at the top of the food chain.
Oh, poor Nick. He's confusing the food pyramid with the food chain.
Oh, hi, Andrew. Would you perchance
like to celebrate the autumnal equinox
with a, um... with a... with a dance with me?
- Oh, I would, Missy, but... - Hey, are you out of your goddamn mind?
- This is a real girl. - She's not a girl, she's Missy.
Oh, she's a girl, and she wants to dance with you.
- But Nick looks really upset... - Fucking forget about that little Pikachu
[GROWLS] and dance with a girl!
- Um, sure, Missy. - Oh, great.
We can just... so we can start now, 'cause I know how to do it.
I've practiced with my dad.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- Hey, Mr. DJ, you take requests? - No, I do not.
- What about "Lady in Red"? - If I play it, will you leave?
Yeah, sure, unless, I don't know, you want me to stick around.
- Nah. - Are you streaming that?
What is that, Wi-Fi? They gave you the Wi-Fi password.
Heh. Okay.
- Hi. - Jessi, please,
I don't want to hear "I told you so."
I know, but I want to say it so bad.
Can I just say it one time and you cover your ears?
I told you so!
- Well, I'm glad you feel better. - I do, a little.
- But I feel like I can feel even better... - Uh-huh.
- ... if you heard it. - [CHUCKLES]
[SCREECHING] ♪ Lady in red ♪
♪ Is dancing with me ♪
♪ Cheek to cheek ♪
I've never danced with a boy before. What am I supposed to say?
I don't know. That was great.
You're doing great. I think we're both doing great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're both doing great.
Now let's get a little friction going.
♪ And I hardly know... ♪
Uh!
♪ This beauty by my side ♪
♪ I never will forget... ♪
I got a great memory.
[HORMONE MONSTER, COACH] ♪ The way you look tonight ♪
[HORMONE MONSTER] Yeah.
I don't know, I guess I thought Olivia liked me.
Really? Olivia only likes jeggings.
I get it, Jessi, I'm an idiot.
No! She's the idiot. You're...
you're cute, even though you're tiny.
You're like a troll doll who's figured out his hair.
- Thank you... ? - You're welcome... ?
[THINKING] What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
Stick your tongue underneath her tongue...
Pay the snuggle tax.
Can I just get a hint for the Wi-Fi password?
[WHIMPERS]
[SLURPING]
[JESSI GURGLES] Uh! Tongue.
["LADY IN RED" PLAYING]
Oh, yeah, yes, that's it.
Don't be afraid to lead with your groin, the world's slowest hula hoop.
[MOANS] Oh-hh! This is working.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it easy.
We're 70 yards from the bathroom, brother.
You need to slow it down.
[GRUNTING] No, can't slow it down, can't slow it down.
Fuck it. If you're okay with it, I'm okay with it.
I'm okay with it. [GRUNTING]
- ♪ Jai ho! ♪ - [GRUNTS]
- Whoa, what's wrong? - Uh...
- I have to go, Missy. - But the dance isn't... oh, darn it.
[SLURPING]
You have a really big mouth.
Thank you, I think?
The flicking was an interesting choice.
Yeah. Tongues feel weird.
[MUTTERING] Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, no! That's the most I've ever made.
[SPLASHING]
Oh, shit, my phone.
- Wait, what the... - [SPLASHES]
- Oh, my God, isn't this exciting? - There's no time for excitement.
We gotta find the egg. Where are we, Fallopian tube, uterus?
We're in a pussy right now, right?
Uh... you guys are gonna be really disappointed.
- Are we in another sock? - No, no, no.
- A toilet. - What is wrong with you, Andrew?
- You're completely out of control. - I didn't mean to!
This girl asked me to slow dance, and I got all tingly and lightheaded.
Hey, jizz pants, there's your stupid phone.
- Oh, thank God. - There is no God.
Come on, let's swim to that giant brown rock.
Not to sound gay, but I miss the balls.
Ahem. Yeah, I guess I should probably go check on Andrew.
Yeah, no, I think that's like a good idea.
Yeah, but thank you for the...
- Sure, no problem. - Ahem.
- Good night, milady. - Good evening, good sir.
Oh, boy.
[GASPS]
- [SIGHS] - What happened to you?
I came in my pants.
And that made you soaking wet?
- Why are you being so mean to me? - What are you talking about?
You've been mean to me all week. What did I do?
You didn't do anything! I...
I saw your...
- and it was big and hairy. - Yeah, so?
And mine isn't, and I don't know if it ever will be.
Well, count your blessings. Mine's not so great either.
[SOBS] Mine just made me jizz in my nice pants.
It's embarrassing.
Everything's embarrassing.
Everything is so embarrassing.
- My pants are in the toilet. - Oh, man. [CHUCKLES]
Andrew, why didn't you wash them in the sink?
[LAUGHING] That is a great question, Nick.
It's because I panicked. What am I gonna do?
Nick and Andrew, you're friends again. Nick's pants are gone.
The teachers look poor. What the fuck is going on?
Well, Matthew, it's been a great night in ancient Mesopotamia...
[MATTHEW] Boring! Nick, we heard you kissed Jessi in the hallway.
Uh, Jessi and I would appreciate
that you respect our privacy at this time.
Sounds like he fingered her.
Join us tomorrow when we find out Coach Steve
lives in a joke of an apartment near the airport.
LaGuardia, and, technically, I live in a storage unit, so...
[DOG BARKING]
- Hello? - Oh, uh, good evening.
- Who are you? - Don't worry about it.
I'm just here to give your friend a nocturnal emission.
[MOANING]
Are you the puberty fairy?
- The fuck did you just call me?! - The puberty fairy?
"Puberty fairy"? I'm the Hormone Monster.
I'm not a fairy.
I mean, sure, I fuck around with dudes but I'm not a fairy.
"[I DON'T WANNA GROW UP" PLAYING]
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
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