1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 2 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,093 I'm worried about Alex Trebek. He looks too skinny. 3 00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:12,512 Barbara, shush! You made me miss the question. 4 00:00:12,596 --> 00:00:15,098 Jeopardy! doesn't give questions, Marty, they give answers. 5 00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:17,809 All right, who is "you know what the hell I meant"? 6 00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:26,693 - Thank you, sir. - You are welcome, sir. 7 00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:31,323 Oh, a virgin sock? Ooh-la-la. 8 00:00:31,406 --> 00:00:34,284 Yes, the elastic on it stretched, so... 9 00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:37,037 - It's not a foot sock anymore. - Indeed. 10 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:40,040 - I have the scriptures, Rabbi Glouberman. - Thank you. 11 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:48,340 Printing out a picture of your dad's associate Susan 12 00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:50,050 was a stroke of genius. 13 00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:54,054 - Who knew a kid could just join Linkedln? - Not I. Now pull your pud. 14 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:56,640 First I must shield the eyes of the innocent. 15 00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:58,392 You're a decent man. 16 00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:01,144 Yeah, get that special sauce. 17 00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:04,439 It begins. 18 00:01:05,107 --> 00:01:08,944 There we go. Visualize, focus. 19 00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:11,905 Interesting. Yes! 20 00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:14,741 Yes... 21 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:17,202 Well, how about that? Plump tomato did it this time. 22 00:01:17,286 --> 00:01:18,912 - Yes. - You ever actually fuck a tomato? 23 00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:22,040 - It's like fucking a sneeze. - You find a sneeze sexual? 24 00:01:22,124 --> 00:01:25,002 - Ooh, I find everything sexual. - What about a chair? 25 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,628 - Sit on it, brother. - An airplane? 26 00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:28,255 Big dick flying through the sky. 27 00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:30,424 What about a button-down shirt? 28 00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:32,384 You mean a gaping butthole and ten clits? 29 00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:33,502 What? 30 00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:11,506 Ugh. This thing's like an Ace bandage. 31 00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:13,425 It looks like I sprained my tits. 32 00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:16,720 Guinea piglet, what are you doing with that bra? 33 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:19,723 - It's the only one I have. - Get rid! 34 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,142 Do you ever have anything positive to say? 35 00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:24,603 - Ex-squash me? - It's just you're such a bummer. 36 00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:27,814 All you do is make me sore and hairy and bloated 37 00:02:27,898 --> 00:02:30,108 and, like, want to cry all the time. 38 00:02:30,192 --> 00:02:32,861 - Well, fuck you! - Fuck you too! 39 00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:35,572 Honey, let's not do this to each other, all right? 40 00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:39,493 We can have fun. I can make you feel good. 41 00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:41,328 When have you ever made me feel good? 42 00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:43,955 Don't you remember the Jacuzzi jets? 43 00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:46,583 - You were there? - I've always been there. 44 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:49,753 Like when your mother showed you Dirty Dancin'. 45 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:52,756 Oh, his hips, they could do some things. 46 00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:55,550 Dirty things, and you liked it. 47 00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:59,137 Yeah. It was like a feeling in my stomach, but deep down. 48 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:00,472 That's just the beginning. 49 00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:03,350 There's a whole world of feelings down there. 50 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:07,020 Now, come here, baby. Let's do the lift. 51 00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:08,897 - Really? - Really. 52 00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:13,276 We are gonna have the time of our lives. 53 00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:18,532 How is writing a book report a skill I'm ever gonna use in real life? 54 00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:20,075 When I'm an NBA point guard, 55 00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:22,369 it's not like I'll write a report about how well I dunked. 56 00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:24,704 I'm doing mine on the current issue of Abraca-Daily. 57 00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:28,125 But Ms. Razz said that it had to be on a work of historical fiction. 58 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:31,378 Ms. Razz can suck my historical dick-tion. 59 00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:33,964 Nailed it. I already read this. Why would I read something else? 60 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:37,634 I don't mind reading so much. My book's pretty cool. Ask me about it. 61 00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:41,388 "What's it about, Andrew?" It's about an astronomer in the Middle Ages 62 00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:44,057 who discovers another planet, and the church is mad. 63 00:03:44,141 --> 00:03:46,560 - So he has to go to the Vatican... - Ooh, the Vatican? 64 00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:50,772 - Does he kill hookers? - No, but he does perjure himself. 65 00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:54,943 Oh, boy-oy-oy-oy... 66 00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:59,239 - Uh, you okay over there, Missy? - This book is... 67 00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:01,700 Really good! It's called The Rock of Gibraltar. 68 00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:04,035 It won the Gerson Prize for historical fiction. 69 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:06,705 You should read it, for Gustavo alone. 70 00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:09,040 What's the book about? 71 00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:11,376 Ooh! Well... 72 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,629 the book takes place during the Moorish rule in Spain, 73 00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:17,466 so there's this knight, Gustavo of Sevilla, 74 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,801 who falls in love with a Moorish princess, Fatima... 75 00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:22,888 - Well, it sounds... - Gustavo's Catholic and she's Islamic, 76 00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:24,723 and their love is forbidden. 77 00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:28,226 But then Gustavo needs to see her because he loves her so much. 78 00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:31,021 - Yeah, no, I'm gonna get... - He contacts the gypsy sorceror El Colon, 79 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,732 who gives Gustavo the ability to turn into a horse... 80 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:35,567 - I got it. - ... just so he can visit Fatima, 81 00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,486 she meets him in the stables and she rides him 82 00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:39,946 and he loves her so much but they can never truly be together 83 00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:41,782 - because of their time... - You really read the book. 84 00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:43,134 When Gustavo and Fatima are together 85 00:04:43,135 --> 00:04:45,285 I feel like I'm sitting on a fountain 86 00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:47,829 - and there's fireworks in my stomach... - Okay, okay! 87 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:51,458 - Read that book. - Yeah, I think I should. 88 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,545 We're lucky men, Marty. 89 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:58,089 To our magnificent boys Nicky and Andrew, 90 00:04:58,173 --> 00:05:00,258 what great friends they found in each other. 91 00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:06,181 And to our wives, our beautiful, surprising, sensual wives. 92 00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:07,641 Cheers! 93 00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:13,605 How many times is he gonna walk by and not bring me more bread? 94 00:05:13,688 --> 00:05:16,066 - We still have some. - What are you, on his side? 95 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:19,402 - Marty, I'm not on the waiter's side. - He's not a waiter! 96 00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:22,113 He's a busboy. What are you promoting him for? 97 00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:24,324 Oh, this looks good. 98 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:29,871 I think Elliot's waiting because his wife's food hasn't arrived yet. 99 00:05:29,955 --> 00:05:31,581 Elliot could do what he wants. 100 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,500 But I'm not letting my scallops get ice-cold. 101 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:34,583 Oh, well, God forbid. 102 00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:36,795 Cold scallops is how I got food poisoning in West Palm, remember? 103 00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:39,464 - I remember. - Then in Atlantic City, twice in Cape Cod 104 00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:42,425 - and then again in Atlantic City... - I remember. You shit the bed. 105 00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:43,802 I'm referring to that! 106 00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:45,679 Maybe you should stop eating scallops, Marty. 107 00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:48,807 And let the scallops win? Ha! They'd love that. 108 00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:51,977 So, I know you weren't interested in book club, 109 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,563 but we read the most amazing book this month. 110 00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:57,023 It won the Gerson Prize for historical fiction. 111 00:05:57,107 --> 00:05:59,067 Oh, I'm not a history buff. 112 00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:01,403 No, listen, you will like this. 113 00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:05,949 It's a love story between Fatima and Gustavo. 114 00:06:07,659 --> 00:06:10,912 Trust me, it's very... compelling. 115 00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:12,747 You're winking. It is it not compelling? 116 00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:15,584 It's a sexy book, Barbara. Just take the sexy book. 117 00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:17,419 - You'll like it. - All right. 118 00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:18,753 "The Rock of Gibraltar"? 119 00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:21,339 Did Diane tell you we read it together? 120 00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:24,968 We like to incorporate reading into our intimate time. 121 00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:28,930 Once all we had handy was a copy of If I Did It by OJ Simpson. 122 00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:31,474 - Oh, God. - And we definitely did it that night. 123 00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,852 Made love, not murdered our estranged spouse. 124 00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:37,147 - And let's not forget Ron Goldman. - Ron Goldman. Speaking of waiters, 125 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,857 where the hell is that guy? 126 00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:41,026 Oh, these scallops. Where's the men's room? 127 00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:42,777 - And we need more bread! - Ugh. 128 00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:46,031 Fatima knew if her father caught her 129 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:47,741 running down to the stables at this hour 130 00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:51,036 he would forbid her from studying at la universidad. 131 00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:54,039 But was it her fault that she craved a ride? 132 00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:56,333 Fatima, come to me. 133 00:06:56,416 --> 00:07:01,463 I am hungry for your touch and for warm spiced oats. 134 00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,590 Wait, did you guys read through lunch? 135 00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:05,842 Wow. Uh, yes, we did. 136 00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:07,719 You must really like that book. 137 00:07:07,802 --> 00:07:10,597 Right now Fatima is trying to track Gustavo's movements 138 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,934 by following the stars, so she creates a rudimentary astronomy lab. 139 00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:16,394 Oh, my God, have you read Doubting Andreas? 140 00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:18,521 He too creates a rudimentary astronomy lab. 141 00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,766 Have you ever looked up at the stars and thought, 142 00:07:20,767 --> 00:07:23,026 "The world is so big"? 143 00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:25,695 - "And I'm so small"? - And yet so loud. 144 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:28,323 This is the library. Please go away, I am reading. 145 00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:29,574 Jesus. Okay. 146 00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:31,993 Let's go see if that science teacher is still crying. 147 00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:34,704 Fatima looked down at her intricately laced bodice, 148 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,916 her sensual, ripe breasts bursting from... 149 00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:43,713 See what I mean? That brassiere is U-G-L-Y. 150 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:48,009 - It ain't got no alibi. It's... - Dog shit, I know. 151 00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:51,429 Really? The Rock of Gibraltar. 152 00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:53,640 Why is every girl I know obsessed with this? 153 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:56,518 Well, there is this incredible romance 154 00:07:56,601 --> 00:08:00,063 between Fatima and... Gustavo. 155 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:02,524 So, what, do they kiss privates or what's the deal? 156 00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:04,317 - Kiss privates? - You know what I mean. 157 00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:07,362 Do they have sex? No, Nicky, they can't. That's the point. 158 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:10,156 - That's where the tension comes from. - Of course, the tension. 159 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,158 You have no idea why girls read this book, do you? 160 00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:14,577 - Yeah, I do. - Because it turns them on. 161 00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:19,499 - [STAMMERS] What was that now? - Newsflash: girls get horny too. 162 00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:23,461 - Don't tell me you didn't know that. - Of course I did. 163 00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:24,891 Girls are just as horny as boys. 164 00:08:24,892 --> 00:08:26,297 We just don't talk about it constantly. 165 00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:27,799 Hmm. 166 00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:31,344 Hey, Lia, I just remembered I have a book report to write. Um... 167 00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:33,722 - Can I borrow Rock of Gibraltar? - Fine. 168 00:08:33,805 --> 00:08:35,682 I don't know what you're up to, you little perv, 169 00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:37,267 but I like the journey you're on. 170 00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:42,814 I still don't see what the rush is, honey. 171 00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:44,733 You've already got a perfectly nice bra. 172 00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:47,277 You tell Shannon you do not want nice. 173 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:51,114 You want two scoops of Haagen-Dazs French vanilla boobies. 174 00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:55,160 Mom, I want something... voluptuous. 175 00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:59,706 A woman's bosom should resemble the wild, sweet oranges of Valencia 176 00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:01,249 which yearn to be plucked. 177 00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:05,253 Oh, honey, buying a fancy bra won't make you look like these models. 178 00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:08,089 They all have their ribs removed and their buttholes bleached. 179 00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:11,634 I get it. I just want a grownup bra, okay? 180 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:14,220 This one! This is the one. 181 00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:17,265 Tell Shannon you'll kill yourself if you don't get it. 182 00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:18,933 How about this one? 183 00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:22,020 I don't know, Jessi. Is this bra really... you? 184 00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:24,147 Yes! Of course it's you! 185 00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:27,734 - It's always been you! - Shh, shh. I got this. 186 00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:31,571 Was it not you, Mom, who insisted from an early age 187 00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:35,742 that I quote, "embrace my power," end quote, as a female? 188 00:09:35,825 --> 00:09:38,661 Yes, but this red bra. 189 00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:41,581 I mean, this is a power that you can't handle yet. 190 00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:45,585 Are you trying to make me afraid of my own sexuality? 191 00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:48,630 - No, Jessi... - Are you slut-shaming me? 192 00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,965 I would never slut-shame you. 193 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:53,343 Are you the patriarchy? 194 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,804 Oh, my God, of course not. 195 00:09:55,887 --> 00:09:57,055 Go in for the kill. 196 00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:59,599 Eleanor Roosevelt once said, quote, 197 00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:02,393 "Do one thing every day that scares you," closed quote, 198 00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:04,729 and I think this red bra scares both of us. 199 00:10:06,189 --> 00:10:09,234 Oh, my God, we did it! 200 00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:11,986 We got a bra, oh, my God! 201 00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:13,530 You think you're excited. 202 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:17,033 I just found out Dippin' Dots isn't fluorescent guinea pig doodies. 203 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,285 - It's ice cream. - But you were eating it anyway? 204 00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:22,956 Yeah. Couldn't figure out why these doodies were so delicious, so. 205 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,958 What are you, bra shopping or what? 206 00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:29,129 Shark Tank is making me nuts. 207 00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:31,923 I know that rotten kid stole my idea for the illuminated toilet seat. 208 00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,508 - I'm reading. - I never put it on paper, 209 00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:36,928 I never said it out loud, but somehow he crawled into my brain 210 00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:39,264 and he stole my intellectual property. 211 00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:45,145 Fatima, I need you. 212 00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:48,648 My love, if my father sees you he will have you killed. 213 00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:51,818 After tonight, we need never fear again. 214 00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:54,320 I have spoken to El Colon. 215 00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:57,240 Tomorrow, I become horse. 216 00:10:57,323 --> 00:11:01,161 But the transformation, it will be painful, yes? 217 00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:02,412 Hush now, my love. 218 00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:05,165 We will face tomorrow when it comes. 219 00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:08,209 Tonight... we dance. 220 00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:12,338 I want to hold you close, Barbara. 221 00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:15,174 - Oh, but we shouldn't. - But we must. 222 00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:21,306 Hey, did you put my toilet seat idea on Facebook 223 00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:23,266 or did you mention it to one of your friends? 224 00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,268 Perhaps I should leave you two alone. 225 00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:26,853 No. Gustavo, please. 226 00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:28,730 Barbara, I must go, 227 00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,316 because... I don't like him. 228 00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:35,653 You know what I'm gonna do? Get a lawyer and sue that kid. 229 00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:37,780 - Do you mind? I'm reading. - Fine! 230 00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:39,782 I'm going to sleep. Oh. 231 00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,034 Oh, God. 232 00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:43,453 I can't believe I ate those scallops again. 233 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:47,332 Oh, Marty! 234 00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:50,376 Listen, while you're up, there's a thing of Rolaids in my dress shoes. 235 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:56,257 Okay, show-off. What are you, Mr. Library now? 236 00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:59,969 President of Books, Comptroller of... 237 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,055 - Jay, you're out of steam. - Shut up, I got this. 238 00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:05,016 - Books. Fuck! - Guys, I think I'm onto something. 239 00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:07,143 There's a reason all the girls are reading this book. 240 00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:09,562 - Lia told me. It turns them on. - Huh? 241 00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:12,774 Get this: girls are horny too. 242 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,527 Just as horny as guys, supposedly. 243 00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:19,948 - No, no, that's impossible. - What's impossible? 244 00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:22,784 According to Nick, girls are horny too. 245 00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:24,077 What the... ? 246 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,245 There's no way girls are as horny as I am. 247 00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,122 That's true. Jay fucks his pillow. 248 00:12:28,206 --> 00:12:30,708 I also once fucked this really sexy bag of potting soil. 249 00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,961 - See? They can't be like Jay. - To completion. 250 00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:35,213 - The boy is a deviant. - I'm not allowed back in that greenhouse. 251 00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:37,465 All I know is Lia says girls get horny. 252 00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,801 So you're telling me Devon gets horny? 253 00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:40,969 - Yeah. - Yes! 254 00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:43,930 - What about Principal Baron? - Apparently, they all do. 255 00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:46,307 - All of them! - But not... 256 00:12:46,391 --> 00:12:48,226 - Missy? - Andrew, she's reading that book 257 00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:49,894 and evidently, that's one of their triggers. 258 00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:52,313 My God, you're right. Missy gets horny. 259 00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:54,148 I'm telling you, they all do. 260 00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:57,026 This book makes them horny? It's just porn, then, right? 261 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,529 They're walking around school reading porn! 262 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,823 - Actually, no. - Jesus, this is no fair! 263 00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:03,741 Girls walking around school reading porn, 264 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:08,204 and I make one drawing of 23 teachers having consensual sex, 265 00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:09,831 and I'm the creep. 266 00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:13,543 Yeah, I wasn't included in the drawing, but that's okay. 267 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,545 It was just the academic teachers 268 00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:18,881 is how he did the cutoff there, so... 269 00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:20,588 So, what, this is gonna be on The Office 270 00:13:20,589 --> 00:13:22,677 or Modern Family or what? 271 00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:25,323 Boy, these straight to camera testimonials 272 00:13:25,324 --> 00:13:27,015 are great for narrative structure. 273 00:13:27,098 --> 00:13:29,559 They're a crutch, but they cut right to the chase. 274 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,269 They really help with story. 275 00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:34,480 Not in this case. This is a, you know, a departure, 276 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,107 but they'll find their way back. 277 00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:40,903 Look at me. Look at me. 278 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:43,489 - Okay. - You are Fatima. 279 00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:45,992 - You are sexy. - Really? I don't know. 280 00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:48,411 - You do know. - What do I know? 281 00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:50,204 How to dance! 282 00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:56,252 ♪ You throw open the door ♪ ♪ To adventures like you've never known ♪ 283 00:13:56,335 --> 00:13:57,879 Holy shit, is that Jessi? 284 00:13:57,962 --> 00:14:01,591 ♪ You'll feel your confidence, courage ♪ ♪ And cup size magically grow ♪ 285 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,301 Whoa! 286 00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:08,097 ♪ It will make mountains of your hills ♪ ♪ And grant you a life of endless thrills ♪ 287 00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:09,098 Whoa! 288 00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:12,894 ♪ And set passions aflame ♪ ♪ Down the depths of your womanly soul ♪ 289 00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:14,103 Own it, bitch. 290 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,397 - ♪ Sexy red bra ♪ - Hi, Jessi. 291 00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:19,192 - ♪ Sexy red bra ♪ - Hi, red bra. 292 00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:21,152 - Jesus, Andrew. - ♪ It'll transform you ♪ 293 00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:25,323 ♪ Into an object of envy and awe ♪ 294 00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:27,283 So trashy. 295 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:30,703 Please, Jessi, I have $28. I want to give it to you. 296 00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:34,457 Well, bonjour to the lovely Ms. Glaser. 297 00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,292 - ♪ Sexy red bra ♪ - Who do you think you are, 298 00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:38,878 one of the Kardashians? 299 00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:42,090 ♪ It will lift up your life, my dear ♪ 300 00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:45,218 ♪ But beware of the fall ♪ 301 00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:46,594 Ow! 302 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:53,768 What the hell? Why are you crying? 303 00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:55,728 Because it's all so overwhelming. 304 00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:57,980 My mom was right. 305 00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:01,651 - Don't you ever say that again. - What? She said I wasn't ready, 306 00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,404 and I wasn't ready for all those eyes on me. 307 00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:07,407 - But you liked some of them. - I know! 308 00:15:07,490 --> 00:15:12,245 But what about Mr. Lizer and Jay and... Lola. 309 00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:15,832 - I want to throw this thing away. - Yes, drown the bra. Kill it! 310 00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:18,960 Or maybe I could just put it in my backpack. 311 00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:21,671 Yeah, keep it. I still love it, too. 312 00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:26,759 So, we know girls read the book because it makes them horny. 313 00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:29,220 And we know Jessi is reading the book, 314 00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:33,641 ergo Jessi is horny and she's wearing a red bra, 315 00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:36,436 which means she wants us to know she's horny. 316 00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:39,772 - Or she just likes the bra. - The bra isn't a bra. 317 00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:42,275 - It's a signal. - Okay, let's say it is a signal. 318 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:45,111 - What do we even do with that? - I don't see what we can do with that. 319 00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:50,199 We can relieve Jessi of her horniness by touching her boobs. 320 00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:52,285 She'll be grateful. I know if I was walking around 321 00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:55,163 with a red bra on my dick, I'd want somebody to touch my dick, right? 322 00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:57,498 You're a little fuckin' freak, I like hanging out with you. 323 00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:01,335 Mi amor, you look fantástica. 324 00:16:01,419 --> 00:16:04,714 - Oh! - Martín is a muy lucky man. 325 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,632 Muchas gracias. 326 00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:08,676 - And it's Marty. - Go to him. 327 00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:12,054 Go to... Marty? 328 00:16:16,058 --> 00:16:18,811 Good Christ, are you eating scallops again? 329 00:16:18,895 --> 00:16:21,314 They're leftovers! Why are you so dressed up? 330 00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:23,441 I thought maybe we could... 331 00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:24,567 - What? - You know... 332 00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,527 Oh! Oh. 333 00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:27,862 Oh, all right. 334 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:30,323 Let me go sit on the toilet for a minute, clear the pipes. 335 00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:31,824 You know, the scallops. 336 00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:33,618 - Forget it! - What's the matter? 337 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:37,371 You know what the matter is? You are not Gustavo. 338 00:16:37,455 --> 00:16:40,041 The horse? You're mad 'cause I'm not a horse. 339 00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:43,878 I'm not mad you're not a horse, I'm mad that you don't love me 340 00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:47,173 as much as you love the GD scallops. 341 00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:50,551 What? That's crazy. I love you both, in different ways. 342 00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:52,094 Ooh, speaking of which... 343 00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:54,013 Oh, Marty. 344 00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:57,266 This scallop man, he does not know how to treat a woman. 345 00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,935 I know. 346 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,436 ¡Dios mío! 347 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:04,565 Even when I was a horse I did not make noises or smells of this nature. 348 00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:09,654 Hey. Just wanted to let you know, I read you loud and clear. 349 00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:12,114 - Excuse me? - Signal received. 350 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:16,077 - I sent no signal. - Yeah, wink-wink. I get it. 351 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,996 Uh-oh, Dickarus is flying too close to the sun. 352 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,873 But if he's right it changes everything. 353 00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:23,751 Like when a baboon is in heat and presents its red bum-bum 354 00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:26,045 so the other baboons know it's time to monkey around. 355 00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:29,423 What the fuck are you talking about? 356 00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:33,511 Hello! The red bra, the book. I know how horny you are. 357 00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:35,805 And as your friend, I want to help you out 358 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,974 by touching your boob... 359 00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:40,935 And now you're choking me. 360 00:17:41,018 --> 00:17:43,229 And I'm wondering if maybe that's not what you wanted me to do. 361 00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:45,398 No, that's not what I wanted you to do. 362 00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:47,775 I just thought, when I get horny, I want somebody... 363 00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:50,403 You have no idea what I want, you fucknut shitbag! 364 00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:56,867 - Huh, I guess the bra wasn't a signal. - And Jessi is very strong. 365 00:17:56,951 --> 00:17:59,579 Hi Andrew, if you're finished with Doubting Andreas, 366 00:17:59,662 --> 00:18:03,040 I thought you might like to borrow my copy of The Rock of Gibraltar. 367 00:18:03,124 --> 00:18:05,626 - You think I would like it? - Oh, yeah. 368 00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:08,129 There's telescopes and compasses and Islamic art, 369 00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:10,172 basically everything you want in an interesting book. 370 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,383 And of course there's Gustavo. 371 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:17,138 Anyway, it's definitely worth a read. 372 00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:19,098 There's something for everyone in there, I think. 373 00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:21,434 Whew! I gotta get to jazz club. 374 00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:24,729 - Was that a signal? - I don't know. I'm very confused. 375 00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:25,855 Whoo! 376 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,065 Did you guys see Jessi choking me out over there? 377 00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:31,444 Yeah. She gets pretty angry when she's horny. 378 00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:34,947 - Lia. - Hey, Nicky. 379 00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:37,533 I had some questions RE: The Rock of Gibraltar. 380 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:40,411 Are you up to the part where she grooms him with sweet almond oil? 381 00:18:40,494 --> 00:18:42,997 Yeah, actually, re: almond oil, 382 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,207 girls don't want to have sex with horses. 383 00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:47,209 That's not what this book is about, right? 384 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:50,379 Of course not! The horse part isn't what's sexy. 385 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:53,007 It's the fact that they can't have sex that's so hot. 386 00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:56,218 This is where you lose me. What's so hot about not having sex? 387 00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,763 See, you're thinking like a guy. Women are different. 388 00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:01,891 - Sometimes we think sex itself is sexy. - Great news. 389 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,602 But other times we imagine a faceless dude 390 00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:07,730 walking around with a baby in a Baby Bjorn, and that's sexy. 391 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:11,942 - So babies and no faces are sexy? - No, you tiny dum-dum. 392 00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:13,402 It's a lot of different things. 393 00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:16,030 Sometimes we think a smell is sexy, 394 00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:18,908 - or sushi or Dr. Drew Pinsky. - What? 395 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:22,161 Or like a million other incomprehensible things, you know what I mean? 396 00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:25,289 So The Rock of Gibraltar, it's about sex 397 00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:28,501 because it's about everything around sex. 398 00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:29,919 - See what I'm saying? - Look at that. 399 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:33,172 Our inquisitive son, our wise daughter, 400 00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:36,217 working together to solve the mysteries of human desire. 401 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,302 I know, sweetheart. I credit you. 402 00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:40,513 No, no, no, I credit you. 403 00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:42,181 No, no, I credit you. 404 00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:44,350 I wanna credit you all night long. 405 00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:48,521 - Why don't we go and affirm each other? - I'm already affirmed right now. 406 00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,564 Oh, you devil dog. 407 00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:54,485 Some might say it's weird they're getting turned on 408 00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:57,113 by their children talking about what's sexy. 409 00:19:57,196 --> 00:20:01,158 But I'm not here to judge. I'm just here to watch. 410 00:20:03,494 --> 00:20:05,454 Jay is so gross. 411 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:06,997 He doesn't know what I want. 412 00:20:07,081 --> 00:20:08,666 Yeah! He doesn't. 413 00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:10,918 Jessi, what do you want? 414 00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:13,504 I don't know. I know I like this, 415 00:20:13,587 --> 00:20:15,756 and I thought I was gonna like this. 416 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,174 You did like that. 417 00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:20,219 Yeah, but everyone's reaction to it made me feel so weird. 418 00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:22,805 Who cares about everyone else? 419 00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:26,809 Maybe it's time to get to know yourself. 420 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,936 Oh, you mean take a look in it? 421 00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:32,231 Yeah, take a gander. It's yours, isn't it? 422 00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:34,650 Uh, okay, sure. 423 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:35,943 Can I get some privacy? 424 00:20:36,026 --> 00:20:38,195 Of course, pecorino. 425 00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:42,366 If you need me I'll be in the bubble bath watching Dr. Drew Pinsky. 426 00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:44,618 He looks like a sexy turtle. 427 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:48,038 Here goes something. 428 00:20:48,122 --> 00:20:51,125 - Um... hello? - Hey, girl, hey! 429 00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:54,003 Oh, my God, I have been dying to meet you. 430 00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:56,589 Oh, cool. Okay. Hi, I'm Jessi. 431 00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:58,549 Well, I'm your genitals. 432 00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:01,510 - What's up? - I was wondering when you'd... 433 00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:03,929 - I'm sorry, you go first. - Wait! 434 00:21:04,013 --> 00:21:05,556 - Jinx! - We just talked at the same time. 435 00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:07,516 - We're having fun. - This is fun. 436 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,269 I have to say, you are not what I was expecting. 437 00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:12,438 - Do you want the grand tour? - Uh, yes, please. 438 00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:13,814 Great. Okay. 439 00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:16,025 Well, up top, la-la-la-la, 440 00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,276 this is the clitoris. 441 00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:18,944 It is where the party happens. 442 00:21:19,028 --> 00:21:20,237 What do you mean by "party"? 443 00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:23,657 Oh, gosh. Have you ever been electrocuted, but in a good way? 444 00:21:23,741 --> 00:21:26,619 - No. - Okay. It's a very important spot. 445 00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:29,246 This is the urethra. That's where the pee comes out. 446 00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:31,624 Oh. I didn't know there was a second hole. 447 00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:33,125 There's three, if you count your anus. 448 00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:35,711 - I don't think I do. - Me neither. She's an asshole. 449 00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:38,130 - That's a joke. - Oh, okay. 450 00:21:38,214 --> 00:21:40,007 She's a lovely lady, and a drummer. 451 00:21:40,090 --> 00:21:43,219 What else? Labia majora. 452 00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:45,304 - The labia minora. - Oh, hi. 453 00:21:45,387 --> 00:21:48,224 And this part here is the actual vagina. 454 00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:52,311 Oh. Weird. Sorry, I assumed the vagina was like, the whole thing. 455 00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:53,687 A lot of people do that. 456 00:21:53,771 --> 00:21:56,190 It's like how people call all sparkling wine champagne, 457 00:21:56,273 --> 00:21:59,735 but technically champagne is from one specific region in France. 458 00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:02,571 It's like, "Shut up, nerd, we're just trying to get drunk!" 459 00:22:03,739 --> 00:22:05,366 - You know, you're not scary. - Boo! 460 00:22:05,449 --> 00:22:06,534 Ahh! 461 00:22:06,617 --> 00:22:10,704 Of course I'm not scary. I'm you, and I'm very fun. 462 00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:13,457 Wink-wink. You know what I mean? 463 00:22:13,541 --> 00:22:16,126 Um, I mean, yeah, I guess I think I know what you mean. 464 00:22:16,210 --> 00:22:19,338 - Oh, you know what I mean. - I have some sense of what you mean. 465 00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:21,215 - I'm telling you to masturbate. - Oh, okay. 466 00:22:21,298 --> 00:22:23,259 - All right. - Okay, well, I'm gonna go now. 467 00:22:23,342 --> 00:22:25,970 - No. What? Stay forever. - I wish I could. 468 00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:28,305 Aww. Don't be a stranger. 469 00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:32,643 - Neigh! - Marty, what the... ? 470 00:22:32,726 --> 00:22:34,478 I'm Gustavo the horse. 471 00:22:34,562 --> 00:22:37,690 - Why? - I'm trying to romance you. 472 00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:39,608 Oh, of course you are. 473 00:22:39,692 --> 00:22:42,236 Look at you, you're Gustavo the horse. 474 00:22:42,319 --> 00:22:46,198 For the record, Marty, Gustavo wasn't a man who dressed like a horse. 475 00:22:46,282 --> 00:22:48,993 Just get over here, all right? 476 00:22:49,076 --> 00:22:51,120 I threw away the scallops. 477 00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:54,206 Oh, you did? You threw 'em away, huh? 478 00:22:55,749 --> 00:22:57,459 Oh, my God, girls get horny. 479 00:22:57,543 --> 00:23:00,170 - And your mom's a girl. - So my mom gets horny too. 480 00:23:00,254 --> 00:23:02,548 - Neigh. - Jesus Christ, 481 00:23:02,631 --> 00:23:04,842 look at the size of your dad's balls. 482 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:09,096 Okay, and for our final book report, 483 00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:14,310 Nick Birch will be talking to us about... Oh, The Rock of Gibraltar. 484 00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:17,187 - Nick. - Ms. Razz, bored students, 485 00:23:17,271 --> 00:23:21,525 The Rock of Gibraltar is a brilliantly told work of historical fiction. 486 00:23:21,609 --> 00:23:24,236 The story is beautiful and filled with passion, 487 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:27,364 but it's about so much more than just sex. 488 00:23:27,448 --> 00:23:30,451 In a way, it's about everything around sex. 489 00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:33,454 - Does that make sense? - It totally makes sense. 490 00:23:33,537 --> 00:23:35,945 See, Gustavo takes care of Fatima 491 00:23:35,946 --> 00:23:37,708 without ever robbing her of her power. 492 00:23:37,791 --> 00:23:38,791 Mm-hm! 493 00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:41,003 Now, I'd like to perform a dramatic reading 494 00:23:41,086 --> 00:23:45,090 of the speech Gustavo gives to Fatima on the shores of Playa Paraíso. 495 00:23:45,174 --> 00:23:47,384 That is, of course, if it's all right with the class. 496 00:23:47,468 --> 00:23:49,845 Do it now! Do the speech now! 497 00:23:49,928 --> 00:23:53,432 Fatima, I worship you. 498 00:23:53,515 --> 00:23:56,685 I worship your brain for all the brilliance it holds. 499 00:23:56,769 --> 00:23:59,438 I worship your beauty, for it intoxicates me 500 00:23:59,521 --> 00:24:01,482 and drives me passionately to you. 501 00:24:01,565 --> 00:24:03,025 Señorita. Ooh! 502 00:24:04,026 --> 00:24:06,779 I worship your uncompromising free spirit. 503 00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:09,948 Know that I will never tame you, unless that is what you wish. 504 00:24:10,032 --> 00:24:12,076 This one's slippery, be careful. 505 00:24:12,159 --> 00:24:15,120 Know that I could never uncover all of your mysteries, 506 00:24:15,204 --> 00:24:17,373 even if I spent a lifetime trying. 507 00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:20,918 Mm-hm. There you go. That's it, baby. 508 00:24:21,001 --> 00:24:23,128 - Oh. Hello. - Hey, girl, what's up? 509 00:24:23,212 --> 00:24:26,507 But if you know nothing else, Fatima, know this: 510 00:24:26,590 --> 00:24:30,427 I want you. I want you forevermore. 511 00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:32,337 I want you. 512 00:24:33,555 --> 00:24:34,640 Okay, thanks, that's it. 513 00:24:34,723 --> 00:24:37,142 Thank you, Gustavo... Nick. Thank you, Nick. 514 00:24:37,226 --> 00:24:38,260 Gracias. 515 00:24:46,110 --> 00:24:48,487 - El libro, señor. - Thank you, sir. 516 00:24:57,746 --> 00:25:00,374 - Missy, huh? - I guess so. 517 00:25:00,457 --> 00:25:03,168 I'm surprised your dad's big ol' balls didn't show up. 518 00:25:03,252 --> 00:25:04,292 I hate you. 519 00:25:04,294 --> 00:25:05,165 Seriously, I was like, 520 00:25:05,166 --> 00:25:08,173 "Why is your dad having sex with a messenger bag on?" 521 00:25:08,257 --> 00:25:11,677 And then I was like, "Oh, those are his balls." 522 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,429 I can't get 'em out of my mind. 523 00:25:13,512 --> 00:25:14,881 It's like, is he seeing a doctor 524 00:25:14,882 --> 00:25:16,682 because there could be something wrong. 525 00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:19,435 It's weird, too, because they're veiny but there's no hair. 526 00:25:19,518 --> 00:25:24,106 It's smooth. That's the weight, right, pulling down the skin? 527 00:25:24,189 --> 00:25:27,443 I honestly wonder if he ever poops on his own balls. 528 00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:29,611 He's probably got to drape 'em outside the toilet. 529 00:25:29,695 --> 00:25:32,239 Maybe that's how he came up with the illuminated toilet seat. 530 00:25:32,322 --> 00:25:34,474 I told some kid about that and he went on Shark Tank 531 00:25:34,475 --> 00:25:35,701 and made millions. 532 00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:37,327 I feel like I should tell your dad, 533 00:25:37,411 --> 00:25:38,796 but I'm scared he'll hit me in the head 534 00:25:38,797 --> 00:25:41,457 with that big pillowcase of watermelons. 535 00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:44,418 Ah, the boy is asleep. What a kid. 536 00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:48,213 What a set of nuts. Jesus Christ, what a thing to live up to. 537 00:25:48,297 --> 00:25:50,048 And here's the thing with balls... 538 00:25:50,049 --> 00:25:55,049 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -