- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
- Oh, hey. - Hello.
Oh, is that... ? Going to take care of it.
I need this so bad.
You don't know how far I came.
If I can close my eyes, I can...
Oh, really?
Yeah, honey. Yeah, honey... yeah...
Oh, we fucking came together.
And that's pretty much how it happened.
So, life started because a giant alien had sex with the Earth?
I don't know. That sounds like Scientology.
Yup, of everyone they got the closest.
As you know, the science fair next week is a chance to embrace
the true spirit of experimentation.
- Science fair buddies again? - You want an A.
- I'm fine with a C. - And we'll end up with a B.
What... what's this? What are we doing now?
- We're doing a fist bump. - Ah.
Because the football program
has taken part of our budget for legal fees,
this year we'll be breaking up into teams of three.
Devin is mine!
Guys, over here!
I don't think we can work with Jessi.
Yeah, it will be impossible to spend all that time with her
and not tell her what we saw.
That we saw her mom lez out with another woman?
I put it in our spank bank. It's all digital now.
Hand down. You're with me, Glazer.
We just need a third. Like an idiot to make fun of.
Okay. So, who were you thinking? Ooh, the Go-Gurt burglar?
No, his geisha giggle weirds me out.
I was thinking... male Frida.
- Andrew! Nick! Guys, over here! - Oh, Jay?
- Oh, I don't know. - He's perfect.
He's ridiculous, and he's kind of cute, right?
- Eww. No. - Oh, come on.
He's like a sexy Neanderthal. Jay! Get over here!
- You're on our team. - Fuck yes! Ha ha!
Chosen! Hey, Nick, Andrew, I'm joining Matthew's team.
We're gonna bury you fags.
That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, shit, Jessi and Jay are both taken.
Oh.
That's it, Missy. She's really smart.
- Missy, do you want to be our partner? - Whoa! Really?
- Oh, yeah, I like that. - I can't work with Missy.
Come on, do a little work, kissy-kissy, ride her aboard, humpy-humpy.
No, no, no, no! She makes me very nervous.
I get all dizzy, and I don't know if I'm gonna barf or cum in my pants.
Either way, it's sweet release.
- Hi, Andrew. - Hi, Missy. I want...
- Welcome to the team. - Thanks.
I really can't wait to...
Oh. That was a little vomit,
and I think it happened because I am truly excited
to join you in this odyssey of inquiry and exploration.
Stay away from Devin.
Anyway, as far as water coolers go,
you see that new Seinfeld yesterday?
That show has been off the air for years.
Yeah, well, there was a new one on WGN last night.
Kramer, you know, the cool one, he ordered a coffee that was so hot,
he's gonna sue the place, you know,
which I thought was extreme, but...
Yeah, uh, okay.
Anyway, speaking of coffee, I'm a Sanka man.
I'm a Keurig lady.
Whoa! Is there banter happening here?
Miss Benitez weighs in with the Keurig.
That's a tough word to say.
Well, you could just say K-cups.
Uh-oh! She said it again! Saying stuff directly to me! K-cups!
That's for Keur... Keurig. Courage.
You give me courage.
Oh, thanks, Steve.
I'm looking for some help with the science fair.
Okay, I'll do it, AKA sign me up,
AKA I am not able to sign myself up, AKA I cannot read.
Well, maybe I can help you with that.
Well, that would be...
Are you okay, Steve?
Am I okay? Nobody has ever asked me that before.
You know what? Spoiler alert,
I am gonna help you with that science fair,
but it's not gonna be "science fair."
Spoiler alert, it's gonna be "science awesome."
That's so funny, Steve.
Sorry about that. That's the Sanka coming back up.
You're the man, Steve.
No, you're the man, my Hormone Monster dude.
Are you gonna eat that vomit?
Okay. For our project,
I'm thinking we do the science of three pointers.
Andrew and I will shoot hoops, and, Missy, you can do the math.
Oh, boy, look at her going to town on that hummus and celery.
Two can play at that game.
Suck down a couple of those loose scallops that Daddy packed for you.
No, gross. I will not eat in front of her.
- It's too embarrassing. - May I propose a project?
What if we made a model of the Yellowstone Caldera?
It's a super volcano, and when it blows,
the ash cloud will destroy farmland,
- clog rivers and suffocate entire cities. - That sounds devastating.
I'll send you some really troubling links.
I'd like that. I'd like that very much.
Okay, we've got two solid options,
super volcano or shooting threes.
Those in favor of super volcano?
- Uh, I'm sorry. - Okay.
Two betas beat one alpha, good to know.
All right, dum-dums,
I don't even know if you can handle the idea that I've got.
Jessi, can we handle it?
I'm wearing a second pair of underwear. Let's do this.
Good call, 'cause I'm about to shit your pants.
Our project is about the magic of teleportation.
First off, confusing science and magic... mmwah!
But we have a big problem.
Jessi and I are too scared to lead the presentation.
I could do it. I could do it. Jay will do it.
Oh, thank goodness.
And I was thinking we should just wear, like,
our regular boring clothes, right?
Oh, my God. What are you, crazy?
Matthew and I will be wearing matching vests and shiny shirts.
And Jessi will be wearing a tight little skirt... ooh.
Unless you wanna wear the skirt, Matthew,
but I think gay and trans are different?
No, no, they are the same and you should tell people that.
- I will. - This is fun.
But if we don't have an actual project, we're gonna get an F.
Oh, Marnie. Shout-out to Girls.
Relax, our project is right in front of us.
We're gonna make a science documentary.
The Delusion of Illusion:
The Lonely World of a Child Magician.
So, you and Missy, huh?
What about me and Missy?
Ah, come on, you wanna slam-dunk her pussy.
- Jesus. - Come on, Andrew. You obviously like her.
I don't like her. I just...
I just think about her all the time and my ears get hot...
Yeah, and your dick gets hot too. Oh, maybe it's got a fever.
Stick a thermometer in its little mouth.
Ugh! That sounds so painful.
You like her. You should ask her out.
I'm definitely not doing that. What if she says no?
Dude, she'll say yes.
That's even worse, Nick, 'cause then we'll date,
and I'll tell her all my secrets, and then we'll break up,
and she'll tell everyone else my secrets,
and then the whole school will know
about these milk baths my mom gives me for eczema.
- Andrew, may I be blunt? - But, of course.
Opportunities like this might be somewhat rare for you.
What are you saying? That most of the time I'm gonna like girls
and they won't like me back so I should seize this opportunity?
- Yeah, that makes sense. - Yes, Andrew, seize the day,
and here's how you're gonna do it.
Okay. So here's the key. Missy is at the baseline.
You're gonna pass it down to her. That's asking her out.
She's gonna do a spin move. That's her saying yes,
- and then that's a dick. - Wow, I didn't see that coming.
Oh, you wanna see it coming? Yeah, give me a sec.
Huh?
Andrew, what are you doing here?
- It's nearly 9:00. - I couldn't sleep.
Me, neither. I don't know about you,
but I was thinking about the Caldera
and how we need to savor every moment
before life is ripped from us by a storm of airborne ejecta.
Ejecta? Oh, she wants it.
- You should take out your penis. - Oh, Christ, please, just let me do this.
- Okay, well, I'll take out my penis. - Shh, shh!
Missy, I think that you're a very cool person
whom I enjoy spending time with.
- You think that? - I do, and I wanted to ask you
if it's not a bother currently, if perhaps you would be my girlfriend?
- Does that mean yes? - Yes, I would like that very much.
Oh, boy. Did you feel that?
Do you think it was an earthquake?
No, Missy, I think it was us.
♪ When we're together, my insides throb ♪
♪ Like my intestines are in my heart ♪
I know, and...
♪ I'm reduced to a trembling heap ♪
♪ Of hives and nervous farts ♪
What's this feeling?
♪ My organs bind and cramp ♪
♪ And I nearly poop my pants ♪
♪ Every time I see you ♪
♪ Oh, I feel like shit ♪
♪ This must be love ♪
♪ I'm nauseous from the stress ♪
♪ And I'm a gassy, rashy mess ♪
♪ I've got a boner in my chest ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm in love ♪
Wow.
I guess I'll see you at school tomorrow.
If we make it to tomorrow.
Ooh-oooh...
Good night, Missy.
Good night, Andrew.
All right. There we go, bro, you've got a girlfriend.
I've got a girlfriend. I can't breathe.
- I think I'm hyperventilating. - Here, breathe into this.
Ugh!
What... what is in this?
Some more of my dicks and half a tuna melt.
Okay, Steve, you're going to have to learn your letters.
Well, obviously, I know the big song.
♪ Teepee, fat guy, sideways moon ♪
♪ Other fat guy, sideways comb ♪
Wow.
That is a song.
Oh, Miss B, you're so nice.
You're not trying to steal one of my kidneys, are you?
'Cause I've been fooled multiple times.
No, you remind me of my brother.
He's special, like you.
You think I'm special?
You're the man, Steve. Give her a kidney.
Hey, Miss B, how do you spell "love"?
- L-O-V-E. - Mm-hmm. Uh-huh... oh.
- Love. - Ah!
Hockey stick, coffee stain,
water cooler cup, sideways comb.
You're learning really quickly. I love it.
And I love you. I'm in love with you.
Oh, Steve, that's very sweet.
- I love you too. - And I love pizza.
Cowabunga, dude.
Hey, buddy, uh, what the hell are you doing?
I'm having a panic attack, Nick, currently.
I'm looking at Missy, and it feels like
my heart is leaping out of my chest.
Andrew, as your doctor, I would advise you get your shit together
- and go talk to your girlfriend. - Oh, God, that word.
Oh, my tongue is getting larger. Can you just talk to her for me?
Jesus, come on.
Missy, Andrew is back from the floor. He says good morning.
Good morning, Andrew.
I seem to be suffering
from a classic case of swollen tongue.
I was wondering if you would like to go to the science museum tonight
with me and my parents.
Andrew, your girlfriend just asked you out on a date.
- What do you say? - Say yes.
Sorry about that. I had one of my dicks in my mouth. Say yes.
Weren't we supposed to watch volcano movies tonight?
It's fine. Missy, he would love to.
Okay. Now, I can't believe I'm saying this,
but can we please focus on our science project?
You know, I'm smelling this. This isn't my dick.
Oh, I do not feel good. I am really nervous about this date.
You know what always relaxes you?
No, no, I don't know.
This is our first chance to jerk off
to something that might actually happen.
- Let's glaze those knuckles, honey. - Okay. Maybe you're right.
Hi, Andrew, what do you want to do to me?
Uh... I wanna put sunscreen on your body.
Yeah, lube her up!
Now what?
You want to lie down with me like when people lie down?
But you just put on sunscreen and the sand might stick to you.
Hey, Gilligan. What the fuck are we doing here?
- Give it to me, Andrew. - Uh...
Nope, this doesn't feel right. Can't do it!
- What the hell happened? - I don't know.
Now that she's my girlfriend, it feels wrong.
Like, I don't want to sully our relationship.
All right, fine. Let's just, uh, get back to basics.
Ah, here's the Athleta catalog.
I got a tub of Land O'Lakes, which is dual purpose.
Okay. No, no, I can't use any of that stuff.
If I masturbate to someone else, I'll feel like I'm cheating on Missy.
So let me get this straight.
You can't jerk off to Missy and you can't jerk off to not Missy.
- What the hell are you gonna jerk off to? - Nothing.
I guess I'm not gonna jerk off.
Yeah, you're... you're not gonna jerk off.
All right, where are the cameras?
Am I on Jerk'd?
- Where's Mark McGrath? - Hey, I'm serious.
I am not masturbating from this day forward.
And if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for my date with Missy.
But you haven't jerked off in nearly 36 hours.
That's unprecedented. If you don't do it soon,
you're gonna blow, damn it!
How do you like that?
Andrew Glouberman has a girlfriend.
I'll never forget my first love. Becky Lyman.
I kissed her on the cheek, and she kicked me square in the groin.
But you know what hurt even more than my swollen, bruised testicles?
- Your heart? - No, my urethra.
It collapsed and had to be surgically repaired.
But I'm sure things will go much more smoothly for Andrew.
That boy is gonna be a beautiful boyfriend.
Guys, can we please stop talking about Andrew?
Oh, Nicky.
Are you jealous?
No, I've just been talking about Andrew and Missy all week.
And now he's out with her, and I'm on a date with my parents.
Hey, this is the only threesome I'd ever want.
- Gross. - What we're saying is,
we'd go out with you even if you weren't our son.
You'd go out with a random 12-year old boy?
If he was as dynamite as you, you better believe it.
Holy bonkers!
This is a real trifecta for me.
Hanging out with my parents, science, and my beau.
Oh, am I talking too much?
Cyrus, you let her have dried papaya,
and now she's bouncing off the walls.
I didn't give her any papaya. I think she's sweet on someone else.
- He's talking about Andrew. - Yes.
My mom says I'm sweet and that's why spiders keep biting me.
Oh, smooth.
Way to bring up your mom and also spider bites.
You sure you don't wanna tell them about your pediatric hemorrhoids?
- Are you drunk? - Andrew, are you coming?
Oh, in the heart, with you, alone?
- Yes. - I'm coming, too.
No, you cannot be in there. You need to leave me alone.
Not a chance, homo. I'm gonna watch you turn her out.
Hey, this is not okay.
Now, I didn't wanna have to do this,
but I am thinking about my grandmother.
Gray, round, and ready to pound.
Okay. How about a mezuzah?
- Huh? - You know how a cross works on a vampire?
Oh, sweetheart, a mezuzah is just a gold dick
you nail on your door to say, "Inside, we fuck."
Okay. You leave me no choice.
This is Garrison Keillor,
the former host of NPR's A Prairie Home Companion.
A lovely thing about Christmas is it's compulsory.
- Feel his sexlessness! - No, no, no! Aaah!
Come on, Missy. Let's go.
Now I will breathe loudly through my nose hair.
My dicks! My dicks are running away!
I'm so glad you're taping this because these guys are legends.
I give you... the Sorcerers of the Square Table.
Come near. The closer you look, the less you see, ha ha!
Okay. We're changing the project.
"How no sex for 30 years affects the male posture."
Ooh, get a close-up of Mr. Bolo Tie's fingernails.
Look how long they are. They're like antlers.
Okay. First of all, "Mr. Bolo Tie" has a name,
and it's the Magnificent Gary.
And his long fingernails are because he uses a harp in his act.
Uh-huh. Because magic isn't lame enough on its own.
Oh, my God, I feel like I'm my most authentic self with you, Matthew.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. Are you guys making fun of magic?
- And you. - And your man coven.
I don't get it. Why did you even choose me?
- What about our project? - Oh, come on, Jay.
We can't seriously do a science project about teleportation.
Darling, it's not even real.
Teleportation is the exact place where science and magic intersect.
I can't believe I brought you assholes into this sacred space!
- It's a Panera. - It's a chamber of wonders, you dicks!
- Are you still getting this? - It's gold.
Do either of you have a car?
I'm 30 minutes late for a court-supervised visit with my mother.
- Hey, Duke. - Hey! It's Friday night!
Where's your accountant Andrew?
- Oh, we're just friends. - Uh-oh!
It's not good to have your friends do your taxes.
Andrew's got a date. I set him up with this girl Missy, and...
now, she's all he talks about.
Oh!
And you're feeling left out?
I'm just kind of worried he's not gonna have time for me anymore.
Oh, he won't. Some men just disappear into their ladies,
like Joltin' Joe DiMaggio with Marilyn Monroe.
He was obsessed,
just hanging out in center field, folding her panties up.
♪ And not her nice panties ♪
♪ Her "I'm feeling sick today" panties ♪
Uh-huh. I mean, I like girls too,
but I make time for my family, sports, my friends.
Me, too.
And my girl, my cars, my band.
Yeah, we're the same.
That's right. Two ghosts alone in the attic.
But I'm not dead.
You are to Andrew.
Whoa.
This is a lovely ventricle.
Yes, it looks very healthy.
- No signs of plaque or... - Or arterial blockage.
You took the diagnosis right out of my mouth.
It's really nice being alone with you.
Let me in!
Andrew, let me in! I will not be ignored!
It's nice to be alone with you too, Missy.
I will burn this place to the ground and fuck the ashes!
I have been blowing loads since the dawn of time!
Oh!
Missy, Andrew, are you kids okay?
Was that real?
Don't you worry. It was just a tremor, sweetie.
That was me! I'm taking credit like ISIS!
You asshole! You just ruined my first kiss!
No, you just ruined your first kiss.
I warned you. Now look what you made me do.
Oh, God, no!
Cats are intended to teach us
that not everything in nature has a purpose.
There's only one way to make you shut up!
- Oh, God. - Garrison, no!
Take it all, Keillor. Take it all.
Oh, thank you. Oh!
Steve. Look at you all dressed up.
- Well, it's a special day. - And you're a special guy.
- And I would kill anyone for you. - Well, that's not necessary.
Well, that's a relief 'cause I'd do it, but it would weigh on me.
Hey, would you want to be an honorary judge for the science fair?
- A judge? - Yeah.
At the science fair? I would be honorary.
That makes me so happy.
Well, I think I'm about to make you a little bit happier.
Oh, Steve.
That's right. I know you knew this was coming.
Miss B, will you marry me?
Oh, Steve.
I'm so flattered. Really.
But I can't marry you.
- What? Why? - Well, for one,
don't you think you should marry someone a little more like you?
Someone who pays their taxes in grapes?
Kind of, yeah.
But, also, Steve, I think of you more as a friend.
- I'm so sorry. - Sorry?
How dare you say sorry
when you just made me the happiest man of my life.
- You're happy? - Of course.
You want to be friends.
I can't believe you're putting me in the friend zone.
That's like the number one zone.
Yes, Steve. I would be honorary to be your friend.
Who's the man?
Spoiler alert, it's Steve, AKA "the man."
That was intense at the museum.
Oh, the earthquake, I mean.
Yeah, it was. Oh, crap, no.
- Hello, Brother Andrew. - Brother Andrew?
Yes. I want to apologize for my behavior.
I may have crossed the line
when I skull-intercoursed Mr. Keillor's severed head.
And you should know that I won't be bothering you anymore.
Oh. Okay, I... I guess that's good.
- God bless you, Brother Maurice. - And God bless you, Pastor Rick.
There's the man who got me clean. Helped me find the Lord.
Uh-oh! There seems to be some, uh, pre-lava oozing out of the volcano.
I'm gonna go to the parking lot
and smoke a quick Merit, get my head straight.
- He looks really sad. - I know.
I don't want to make fun of him.
There's a ton of mold on those shower curtains.
Oh, my God. Is he talking to his bath mat?
I don't need them. I can do this myself.
Then why'd you even bring me from home?
Because they ditched me and I need something to teleport.
You said we could go to the Cheesecake Factory.
I want avocado egg rolls.
What do you think about the mouth, Andrew?
- Is it moist enough? - It's plenty moist, Missy.
- Hey, sorry, I'm late. - Oh.
- I'm so glad you're here. - Oh, good.
Missy keeps saying all this stuff that sounds so sexual.
- Right, yeah, Missy. Great, of course. - What?
- You're such a girlfriend guy. - What do you mean?
Next thing you know,
you're gonna be folding her underpants in center field.
That's crazy.
I can't imagine myself being placed in center field.
- I'm more of a right field kind of guy. - Well, you're clearly too busy for me.
- Just spending all your time with Missy. - Missy and I just started dating.
Why are you freaking out so much?
I'm not freaking out! You're being a shitty friend!
This would work a lot better if I had an assistant, but since I don't,
ladies and gentlemen, I will be teleporting this bath mat.
It's not gonna work, you butt-fuck.
Why don't you teleport your head out of your ass?
Okay, okay.
Assistants are better seen, not heard.
Now, as you can see, the booth is empty, as is this booth.
Wha... what are you guys doing here?
We thought you might need a couple assistants.
And we didn't want to be blamed for your suicide.
Okay. Let's do this.
Ladies and gentlemen, behold, the science of teleportation.
Holy shit. It worked.
Jay, we did it!
No, Jessi. I did it.
Still the worst.
Our project is the Yellowstone Caldera,
a sleeping giant ready to awaken at any moment.
Hot, thick fluids bubbling up from below.
Swelling, thrusting, crustal stretching.
I can't. I can't keep it together, man.
I'm not strong enough. I'm really sorry.
- Sorry for what? - For what I'm about to do.
And when the pressure builds, it needs to release.
Oh, my God! Whoa!
Everything's fine, kids. It's just a small tremor.
Okay. Everybody keep your friends close.
Keep going, Missy. You're doing great.
I... I can't. I...
Andrew, can you please take over?
- Oh, no. - What's wrong?
Uh...
- My... - Oh, boy.
- Whoa! - Oh, God!
Shit!
Missy, come with me.
No, you're out of control, Andrew!
We're all out of control.
Suck my stump, Maurice.
Yeah, suck his sick little dick.
All right. I don't know what's going on.
Fuck!
Do you take Coach Steve to be your lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
Hallelujah!
Oh, my God!
Missy! Whaah!
Oh, you like it? Bad girl.
Andrew, you knucklehead.
... are also intended to teach us...
And there will be a day of reckoning,
as the hot lava blasts forth...
and cleanses the Earth of sin,
for you cannot control the power of nature.
No!
Shit!
Ugh! It's everywhere.
It's between my goddamn toes.
I told you the volcano would blow.
You can't ignore me. I'm here to stay.
- Like Nick Cannon. - So it was all a wet dream?
I honestly don't know.
I think the Jessi and Jay stuff was real.
- What about the bath mat? - She's real, and she's spectacular.
Hey, that's from Seinfeld.
- Question: am I still dreaming? - I think so.
Okay, 'cause I wasn't in the teacher's lounge
when Coach Steve was, like, talking about Seinfeld.
Right, right, right.
Let's just agree that maybe I've seen all of this
and that this dream is possible.
What did you think about the Garrison Keillor part? Too far?
That part made me uncomfortable.
Yeah, at the time, it seemed funny.
No, and I like fucked up stuff like that.
- You know, Netflix insisted on it. - Really?
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -