- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
Tom Cruise, Scientology is a cult.
Then why are we so good at rehab and have great gyms?
It's true, they are great at rehab.
Why are they doing a Tom Cruise version of The Crucible?
You're glib, Goody Holmes.
I wish I never hired you as my wife.
Because the Church of Scientology paid for our auditorium
and we did 12 Angry Travoltas last year.
♪ It's a witch hunt, a bitch hunt ♪ ♪ A David Miscavige hunt ♪
Fun fact: I was rejected from Scientology, so...
Let me ask you, do you mind that I'm holding your hand?
_
"I grow in jungle water and am very smelly
And if you touch me
- I hurt your belly" What am I? - _
You're the helicobacter pylori bacteria?
- Which causes acute gastritis. - Oh, great.
Andrew, you're quite good at Bacterium Delirium.
Well, I'm just happy to be here-ium.
Oh.
Aww, she's giving your little hand a squeeze.
Ooh! I wonder if she'll fuck you while her dad goes down on the mom.
Oh, God, you disgust me.
- Hi, I'm Leah's brother, Nick. - Hey, dude, I'm Daniel.
You were great as Tom Cruise, very sympathetic.
Thanks. You know, I believe when he's dating those women
he really thinks he's dating them.
Ah. This must be the famous Nick Birch.
- I've seen you on Leah's Instagram. - Oh.
Your Halloween costume, were you, like, a cold pig?
Oh, no, I was a pig in a blanket.
- Oh! I love pigs in a blanket. - Really?
- Yeah, a lot. - Okay. Mustard or ketchup?
- Ketchup, obviously. - Oh, we could've been so great.
- That's too bad. - Yeah, it is too bad.
Nick, let's go.
Thanks so much for doing the wrap party, Leah.
- See you in a bit. - Okay.
We're having a party while Mom and Dad are out of town?
No, I'm having a party and you're staying at Andrew's.
Andrew's got a date, so I'm staying at home
and I guess I'm going to a high school party.
Ooh! Are you gonna party with us, Nick?
Oh, I fucked that up.
- See you there, Tallulah. - Tallulah?
Her name is Tallulah?
- Stop smiling. - I'm not smiling.
Tallulah.
Oh, God.
Oh, shit, yeah, it didn't go back in.
This is bad.
Okay, so food-wise, did we get a cookie cake?
What's our Dorito sitch?
It's not that kind of party, okay?
It's a high school party, so try to be cool.
Yeah, cool. NP, no probs.
Those are women sunglasses.
- No, they're Dad's. - Yeah, Dad wears women sunglasses.
- Really? - Obviously.
Okay, look, these are theater kids,
so they're sophisticated, like that guy Daniel that you met.
Ohh! Leah likes Daniel.
Leah will slit your throat.
Nice, third person threat.
All right. I got gay-ass wine for you and your gay ass theater friends.
The Jack's mine. I hope your party sucks.
Thank you, Jud, you're America's sweetheart.
- You drink, Leah? - It's not a big deal.
- I'm 16 and it's just wine. - Cool, I guess... Sure, I'll have some.
Wine, it's nature's fruit.
- You're nature's fruit. - Okay.
I'll be upstairs, but I'm always listening.
- You think you're having wine? - Come on.
No, you're not having any.
Leah, do you want me to be the little brother who tells on his sister?
- Is that a good look for either of us? - Oh, fine, you can have a little.
He's already got a little... dick.
- Really? - I'm in the walls now.
A house, a house, tis nothing but a house.
- It is. It's just a house. - Whoo!
Well, look who it is.
- Tallulah. - Nick Birch.
I don't know, it's hard to say.
Hi, I'm Andrew Glouberman
and I'd like to make love to your daughter
while you the dad go down on the mom.
No, see, it's not gonna work. It's too unnatural.
- Ohh! - Why am I introducing myself?
Hey, Nick.
Leah's having a high school party and I think I might be flirting
with a ninth grade girl. You got to come over.
Yeah, high school party. Let's go.
Geez, Nick, I don't know. I mean, I'm over at Missy's
and her mom was just about to make some decaf yerba mate.
Aw, fuck Missy's parents.
We tried. We can't get a rhythm.
- Look at me, I'm drinking wine. - Nick.
You know I can't say no to you
but we're definitely not coming. Bye, sorry.
- Hi, who was that? - Oh, it was Nick.
His sister's throwing some high school party and he invited us.
Wow, do you want to go?
- Deeply. - Stop it.
Because on NPR, Meghna Chakrabarti
says that couples should do new brave things together
and a high school party... sounds pretty brave.
Well, I mean, if Meg Jabroni said that...
But, well, what do we tell your parents?
We're going to see a movie.
- Oh, well, great, which one? - Uh...
- Carpet Ceiling. - Really?
Oh, yeah, it's an Iranian film about a physicist
who is forced to work in a tea service after the fall of the Shah.
- Is that a real movie? - No, she's lying.
And she's surprisingly good at it.
Ooh, she's a little liar. I like that in a lady.
I also like when they cook dinner.
Party Wolf is in the house.
- Party Wolf. - Hey, Jay, who...
How did you know there was a party?
I have a camera in your kitchen.
- Wolf cam. - Hold on, what?
Oh, no, it's not weird.
See, my mom doesn't cook, so I watch your mom cook.
It's just different at my house.
Boys, feeding time.
♪ And I think this sauce needs a little more basil ♪
That's why I like watching the Diane Show.
You can tell she cooks with love or whatever.
Who cares? Not me. Fuck you.
How many cameras do you have in my house, Jay?
Check it out, I brought booze.
Cotton candy brandy?
Yeah, my dad defended the guy who created it.
The first booze made for kids by kids. FKBK!
So, let me get this straight,
your dad represented a child liquor distributor.
And the only reason he lost the case
was he called the judge a fat bitch.
Well, Jay, you come from an upsetting home.
- A toast. - A to... I don't know.
To Party Wolf. Drink.
Oh, my nose and eyes.
Yeah, your eyesight's gonna come back in, like, 30 seconds.
- Oh, my stomach hurts. - It's strong, right?
But sweet as berry pie.
Oh, Jessi.
Did you make the arrangements for the bat mitzvah band
or did you get stoned and forget your one responsibility?
Hey, Mom, Dad, I'm gonna go hang out at Nick's, okay?
Oh, sure, honey. Not too late.
Have a good one, Jellybean.
For your information, I'm contacting Trusted Root tonight.
No one wants a Rusted Root cover band at a bat mitzvah.
♪ The cotton candy brandy ♪ ♪ I'm feeling so fine ♪
♪ I got a cotton candy brandy ♪ ♪ Hey, it's yum-yum time ♪
Wow. Dope rhymes.
Oh, good, you were...
You're listening to me rap to myself.
I'm, uh... I'm stupid.
I mean, I am, I'm stupid. I'm a dumb, dumb person.
If you stupid, I'm a idiot.
You're both retarded.
That's my brother Jud.
You'll likely see his manifesto in the news someday.
- Wow. - Right?
Oh, you are hilarious, Nick Birch.
- Ooh! - What?
- Nick's got a girlfriend. - Nick's got a girlfriend.
What the... I must be drunk.
- Drunk on love. - Ooh-la-la!
- For Tallulah. - I'm jealous, Nicky.
Eww! You're jealous of a girl I want to make out with?
I'm jealous of her too.
Who wants that red-hot cotton candy brandy?
Party Wolf.
Meow.
You ready?
You.
I have kissed a girl and I liked it.
You are insane.
I can't believe I'm in the seventh grade and already over high school.
These fucking people.
Jessi.
What a sexy coincidence.
Not now, Jay, I'm having a shitty night, okay?
Perchance I can offer you an elixir to ease your troubles, Party Wolf?
"Cotton candy brandy, made for kids by kids, please help."
Christ, where did this come from?
- Bangkok. A children's prison, actually. - Ugh!
- What? - You're the worst.
It's not like they make it anymore, Jessi.
The jail burned down.
Psst! Retarded faggot, up here.
Leave me alone.
Please, retarded faggot, I'm serious.
I want to tell you something serious.
- What? - I saw you talking to The Machine.
- Have fun. - What?
- Tallulah Levine, the blowjob machine. - Come again?
Dude, she loves giving blowjobs.
- I'm proud of you. - Oh, I thought you hated me.
I don't hate you. You're my brother.
I just want the world to burn
and for you to get your little dinger wet.
Hold on, wait.
To Nicky and his first oral adventure.
Whether he's ready or not, that girl is lucky
to have his cute little baby dinger in her mouth.
- Mm-hmm. Or wherever it ends up. - Okay, that's enough.
And it's not that little.
Oh, is it?
Andrew. Thank God, I need to talk to you.
- Nick, are you drunk? - Psst!
You see that girl over there?
She's a ninth grade blowjob machine.
- What are you guys talking about? - Oh, Missy's here.
- Hi, Nick. - Terrific.
Uh, don't worry about me, I'm gonna go mingle now.
Okay. Guy talk talk.
I have some concerns about my dinger.
- The, you know, area... - Okay, yeah, Nick.
- ... where my dick is. - I get it, I get it.
But I really shouldn't leave Missy alone at this party.
I mean, she's talking to a pineapple.
So, how'd you get your hair to do that?
Hmm. Well, no, no, no, no.
Duke. Duke, I...
Nickelback.
Saw that party downstairs
and figured old Duke should have one of his own.
- I see that. - Nick Birch, this is Picasso.
Whitney Houston, what's up baby?
And over there Prince and Liz Taylor and Richard Burton.
They were married, it's a fucking mess.
Oh, Prince, I'm so sad that you died.
- Hey, what about us? - We're all dead here.
♪ All dead ♪ ♪ Oh! ♪
- Be gone. - Beat it, kid.
All right, fine, I'll leave.
It's just there's this girl that gives blowjobs.
- Actually, stay for a sec. - ♪ Yeah ♪
- Tell Prince your problems. - Her name is Tallulah Levine
and they say she's a blowjob machine.
- And when she goes down... - All the boys in the town...
Give her a mouthful of cream.
All right. Calm down, you swine.
What's the problem, dear?
Miss Taylor, I'm not gonna lie.
My dick is maybe not everything it could be.
Well, it's not the size of the wave,
it's the grace of your base and the spasm in her chasm.
Y también, my dick is a triangle. It is over here.
This is why I invented Cubism,
so I could be like, "Ooh, shapes are cool."
Whip it out, darling. Let's have a look.
Show us that dick of yours, Nick.
♪ Let us see your dick ♪
Hold on, is this appropriate?
Of course, we're ghosts.
♪ Let us see your dick, oh! ♪
Well, if the incomparable Ms. Whitney Houston
wants to see my penis...
ÿDónde está el pipi?
Did you shave? Is that ornamental?
The boy just hasn't hit puberty yet.
It's like a gold button on a prep school blazer.
Do you think it's too small for Tallulah Levine?
Does she have a gap between her two front teeth?
Because then it might work out fine.
Okay. Ha ha. Well, you're all dead.
And you got a little dick.
♪ Your dick looks like a baby's nose ♪
Uh, this is Jud's room. Keep your distance from that. Oh!
Wowzy-wow!
Posters of Paris and Hamilton?
- Whose room is this? - Oh, this?
Yeah, this is Leah's room.
This is definitely the room where it happens.
I bet she has a really nice closet.
Yeah, I don't... I don't know,
I don't know what her clothes smell like.
I do.
Oh, Andrew, have you ever heard of this, uh, this game
called Seven Minutes In Heaven?
Holy shit, it's happening.
It's go time, this is not a drill.
Uh, Missy's being quite forward.
What's gotten into her?
This boy's a tall lumpy, dumpy drink of water and we are thirsty.
Well, my mouth is dry.
It's probably from the nerves.
Hush, puppy. Less talk, more closet.
Well, look who it is. Nick Birch.
Well, look who it is to you, Tallulah Levine.
Oh, using my full name, are you?
Oh, I am indeed 'cause I am flirting with you.
- Are you really? - I are. Oh...
So, okay. I... I think you're so cool and so pretty
but I... I just can't do that thing that you want to do.
- What thing? - You know, your... your passion?
My passion? What are you talking about?
Tallulah, I can't let you give me a blowjob.
- I'm so sorry. - What?
What makes you think I want to give you a blowjob?
Your nickname.
Oh, go fuck yourself.
I hook up with a guy once and he tells his friends
I gave him a blowjob, which by the way, I didn't.
And all of a sudden, I'm The Machine?
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
That's all I wanted, just to make out. I'm stupid, remember?
Yeah. Nick, you are stupid.
Well, you really fucked that up.
- Shut up, you're a picture. - No, I'm not, I'm in the wall.
See?
Okay. Seven minutes.
- Hey, are you setting a timer? - Starting now.
- Maury. - Connie.
A word?
So what are we talking about here?
Kiss with tongue, under the shirt, over the bra?
What does your client know how to do?
Oh, my client, he knows... he knows nothing.
It should be noted that my client also has no idea what she's doing.
So I don't... I don't know what I'm doing.
Me neither.
Well done. Another first kiss in the books.
Mmm. Nothing like a first kiss.
- Do you remember ours? - Oh, don't, Maury.
It was Pangaea, the dinosaurs had just flown away in their spaceship.
We had the whole planet to ourselves, didn't we?
Although, if memory serves, we did make a few woolly mammoths blush.
- It's good to see you, Connie. - It's good to smell you.
- Mmm... - Oh, sweet Jesus.
- Whoa, okay. - What?
Hi.
What happened? Why'd your damn client pull away?
The kid was gonna paint the inside of his pants.
- I'm sorry. I... I didn't mean to... - No, no, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have pushed my mons pubis right up against you.
- Your mom's what? - It's the region right above my...
Uh, well, darn it, forget it.
You push too hard, you got no boundaries.
That's right, Maury, I can't be tamed.
I never wanted to tame you.
I just wanted to keep a toothbrush
and a few spare dicks at your apartment.
Oh, Connie.
I think maybe we should go back to the party.
Well, we have two minutes left.
We could accomplish quite a lot in that time.
Shh!
Yeah, okay.
Whoa, that's Leah.
- And who's that guy? - I don't know.
The only person I met was that pineapple.
Nicky, don't you think you've had enough to drink?
Lay off, Diane.
- Who are you talking to? - Who are you talking to?
- Uh, are you drunk right now? - Come here, I'll tell you.
- I'm here. - None of your fucking business.
What's up, chicken butt?
Nothing, just, you know, my parents are officially the worst.
Oh, here's a cool tidbit, my dad smokes weed all the time.
Well, your mom's not perfect either.
What?
- Nothing. - That's a very weird thing to say.
Ye... yeah, you're right.
I mean, don't even listen to me.
I don't even know what I'm talking about.
- No, why did you say that? - Why did I say what?
Tell me. Tell me, Nick.
When Andrew and I were in the city, we saw this hat
and then it kissed your mom, and then the hat was a woman.
- What? - I couldn't be clearer, Jessi.
Your mom kissed a woman and the woman wasn't your dad.
Are you serious?
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jessi.
Wait a minute, you guys went to the city, like, two weeks ago.
- Who's keeping calendar? - I am keeping calendar.
You never told me you saw my mom cheating on my dad.
- You suck. - I'm sorry, Jessi.
You are a bad friend.
Oh, fuck. Me and my big mouth.
Big Mouth, that's the show, that's the show.
Hey you, and you at home on the elliptical watching this,
I see you.
Don't you say a fucking word.
We should get out of here.
If we walk out now, it'll look totally weird.
Well, let's just not watch.
Okay. Not watching.
- What's he doing? - Ooh.
Mm-mmm. Oh, no, no, no, no. Let's just... just keep doing this.
Mmm... mm-mmm. Uh...
- Hey, he's doing it again. - Don't be afraid.
- Mm-mmm. Oh, Daniel. Daniel, stop. - What?
I think I made it clear I didn't want to do that.
God, you're really tangled and not sexually, huh?
- Excuse me? - Why are you being so weird?
- Wow. You know what? - Come on, what's your problem?
This is my room but I'm out of here.
I have blue balls. That's assault.
- That was... - Awful.
Ooh!
Hot daddy.
That is sweet stuff.
- Hit me again. - Are you sure?
Yeah. What's the point of any of this?
- It's all bullshit anyway. - Yeah. It is bullshit.
My family sucks.
My family sucks, too.
Party Wolf.
Yeah.
The hormones in this house are going bananas cream pudding.
Maury. Maury!
I changed my mind.
Oh, my God. What happened up there, that was so messed up.
I know. I'm sorry. I crossed a line.
What? No, not you.
That guy, trying to get Leah to su... su... do something.
We're all a little out of control tonight.
Hey, Maury. You can keep your dicks at my apartment.
I'll give you your own dick drawer.
Ow! Fuck you, coffee table.
Wow. You taste so much better than my bath mat.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
And I don't get any toenail clippings after we...
Oh, my God.
- I'm so sorry. - Meh, no biggie.
Oh, what's this? There's more? Wow!
Oh, my goodness.
You always just have a string of scarves hidden in your clothes?
Yeah, you never know when someone's gonna barf brandy on you.
Thank you for being so cool about this.
Are you kidding? I'm just so jazzed you tongued me.
This was a one-time thing, okay?
- Oh, Jessi, I promise. - Never to be discussed again.
- I'm only gonna tell my brothers. - Never discussed again.
Yeah, okay, got it! Nobody.
Party Wolf got Frenched.
Hey, there you are.
- Are you drinking coffee? - Sort of.
I didn't know how to make it,
so I just stirred up coffee grounds into warm water.
It's actually... it's not bad.
Nick, listen.
Your sister was upstairs with some guy in a beanie hat.
Oh, that's Daniel. Leah likes him.
- Not anymore. - Yeah. Never again.
He was really aggressive.
He tried to force her to do something she did not want to do.
You guys are crazy. Daniel's the man.
Friends, Romans, tech people,
lend me your best impressions for a game of celebrity.
See, there's nothing cooler than a person who's always on.
- Janet Jackson. - Madonna.
- Barack Obama. - Beyoncé.
- Beyoncé! - Nick, love Queen Bey.
Who run the world? Girls.
Yeah. All right.
Hey. My turn.
All right. Our fabulous hostess, come on down.
Thank you, Daniel.
- Okay. - Ooh, ooh!
- You're making out with somebody. - Kissing someone.
Ooh, ooh! Barack Obama.
And you're pushing someone's...
- Coach Steve eating a sandwich. - You're praying?
You're praying to Mecca, you're a Muslim.
- Barack Hussein Obama. - Someone kissing another person.
- Is it Party Wolf? - Daniel, you're doing Daniel.
Wait, what? That's not me.
Actually, that is so you.
How is that Daniel?
- He's a head pusher. - He's a head pusher.
- He did a head push. - Head push?
What is a head push?
It's when a man pushes a woman's head to try to get a blowjob.
Wait, that's a move?
Not a fan of the head push.
All my life I've been waiting for them to go down there.
- I didn't know you could do a push. - You can't push.
No push. I'm not pushing, baby.
Nick, I need to borrow your car.
Okay, hold on.
You're making it sound like I assaulted you or something.
- You tried to push my head down. - I made a suggestion.
Oh, yeah, and when I didn't take your suggestion,
- you did it again. - Come on.
I wish women were more sex positive, but we're just not there yet.
- What? - Guys have to take the lead.
I mean, come on. How else are guys supposed to get blowjobs?
You lean your head back, arch your crotch in the air
and say, "Dinner is served."
Well, crazy idea.
You could wait for a girl to want to go down on you.
Come on, that's not happening. Am I right? Party Wolf?
Or how about asking?
Oh, good Lord, no.
That sounds like the most embarrassing conversation ever.
- Well then, you don't get a blowjob. - Okay, yeah.
As long as no one has to talk about it, I'm fine with that.
Or you could go down on her. Pleasure begets pleasure.
Just don't pressure people. It's not cool.
Fine, I confess. I assaulted Andrew in the closet.
- I'm a mons pusher. - Mons pusher?
- Mons? - A mons?
Tell me something. What exactly is a mons?
The mons pubis? Oh.
It's the, uh, the welcome mat to the pleasure palace.
I mean, let's be honest, who doesn't love the mons?
Very big on the mons, baby.
Well, your car is full of bees.
I hope the irony of this isn't lost on all of you.
What the fuck are you talking about?
This is a witch hunt, just like The Cruise-ible.
All I wanted was a blowjob at a high school party.
Is that such a crime?
Hey, only I get to quote my dad's law commercials.
Look, nobody cherishes women more than I do.
Oh, yeah. You cherish them so much
that when a girl doesn't give you a blowjob, you tell everyone she did.
Daniel, you've been a busy little asshole, huh?
Hold on, he's the one?
Well, this was a real teachable moment
and now it's become something so ugly.
If you're looking for something to blame here,
and I'm backing out of the room, it's party culture.
Okay, you're officially the worst person.
You're slut shaming me. Shame on you.
Wait, Daniel.
Finally. Someone who gets it. Preach, big man.
Oh, I'm not big. I'm very little,
and I've been drinking cotton candy brandy
and I think coffee grounds all night long,
and I just want you to know, Daniel...
Uh, Leah, would you give Daniel back his hat?
- Thanks, Nicky. - Leah, you're better than this.
No. I'm really not.
Oh, my God.
- Here you go, man. - Uh...
Party Wolf.
I kind of wish we had just gone to see Carpet Ceiling.
- You know that's not a real movie, right? - I know.
Missy, you really didn't do anything wrong in that closet.
You're being very sweet, but I'm a danger to myself and others.
It was me, I...
- My parents. - Missy...
Prompt as usual.
Oh...
Maury, why is this all so complicated?
I know I'm a broken record on this but Mercury is in retrograde.
Enough with the astrology.
Spoken like a two-faced fucking Gemini.
Anyway, I'll always be here for you, buddy.
There you are, Maury.
- Let's go to my place, huh? - One sec, baby.
Hey, man, I got a medical emergency so I got to bounce.
Jack off twice and page me in the morning.
Come on, boys.
Bye, head pusher.
A pox on this party.
- Wow, Jud, you slashed Daniel's tires? - What are you talking about?
- Didn't you just... - Who's Daniel?
Okay. I'll take it.
So, did you guys hear the news?
- What news? - Daniel is... dead.
He's dead?
- Dead. - What happened?
The cotton candy brandy seeped into his brain,
he got a tumor, two weeks later...
- Dead. - Oh, so, when's the funeral?
It was supposed to be tomorrow but it got pushed.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -