- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
All right, my lady dudes. Time for soccer.
I love working with you, Miss Whistle.
I blow into your mouth, and you scream out your keister.
- Banter. - Go Jesse!
- Love you, Jelly Bean. - Guys! We're just warming up!
So your parents are here together. That's probably a good sign, right?
Oh, please. It's bullshit.
My dad's living in the basement, my mom's dating a woman.
Oh, okay. Argh!
I am playing it cool, but some of that is new information.
- This isn't even real soccer. - What? 'Cause they're girls?
Uh, yeah, sports are played by men,
starving dogs, and juiced up horses.
- I can't believe Jesse dumped you. - Oh no. That's fake news.
- What? - She didn't dump me. I dumped her.
Uh, Nick?
Whoa!
- Boobs. - Boobs!
Where did those come from?
- Below the neck... above the waist. - Boobs!
- It's definitely them. - They're looking right at me.
Boys are so gross.
Wow! That uniform is doing something different.
You're just doing exactly what they're doing.
- You're objectifying her. - Oh!
- But she looks really good, right? - Yeah.
Those boobs! They're too awesome. Watch out! I'm coming in hard.
Real hard! I'm going down!
I can't feel my legs.
I have to go to the bathroom right now.
Kill me. Somebody kill me.
I don't want to live my life in a chair.
It's not all bad. You can do Disney world in an hour and a half.
MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS WITH MATTHEW
BREAKING NEWS:
Boob fever, which is not breast cancer,
is sweeping Bridgeton Middle School.
Patient zero is Gena Alvarez.
Gena has tested positive for big tits.
I took to the hallways to get some uninformed opinions.
I wonder what the new girl's nipples look like.
Um, she's not new.
She's been going to school with us since first grade.
They're probably the same color as her mouth, right?
Nips match lips. That's what my brothers always say.
This might be controversial, but I'm gonna come out as pro boobs.
They're a beautiful paradox,
both weightless and heavy at the same time.
I heard she has to wear two sports bras.
I would literally kill a man, a decent hard-working family man
for the chance to touch those big mushy breasts.
- When does this air? - Why is everybody so obsessed with boobs?
I love them. I love them so much,
'cause whistles, they're on strings,
so when you accidentally swallow 'em,
you can yank 'em right back out.
My boobs don't even bounce when I run.
And your taters are growing in uneven.
One's a Yukon Gold,
one's a little fing-a-ling.
Oh my God! You guys! DeVon broke up with me.
Oh, holy heck. Another broken heart. That really stinks.
I'll bet he dumped me for Gina and her slutty boobs.
- Uh... - Big boobs aren't even that great.
- Right, Lola? - Yeah.
You know, my mom wrote me a check to get a breast reduction,
but, I spent it on a Pretty Little Liars meet and greet.
That sounds like a good investment. Look, you should all calm down.
We already live in a society
that fixates on the female form, and apsychologically...
Listen, decimating way to many young women.
Boo, feminism. I am not with her.
- Okay, well, anyway... - Magga.
I read somewhere that no one likes their boobs.
- I don't mind my boobs. - What boobs?
You're flatter than the earth, flat-so.
- What? - Lola!
- Actually, the earth is not flat. - Tell my pastor that.
Missy, I wish I didn't have to wear a bra.
What is that? An undershirt?
It's Kirkland Signature. They also make water.
That's sweet.
You're actually very lucky to be totally completely flat.
Boys will never bother you,
'cause you know, there's nothing there, right?
Uh... Yeah. I guess I am lucky.
I'm pretty actually lucky too, because, like,
remember the Pretty Little Liars meet and greet?
Gina? Ooh! She got such a bangin' body, bro.
You love her. You want to marry those boobs.
I would 100% marry her boobs.
It would be a tasteful ceremony. Catered, open bar,
but wine and beer only. I'm not made of money.
I now pronounce you man and boobs.
You may motorboat the bride.
Mazel tov!
I love you so much.
- Hey, look at me! I'm Gina. - Jay!
- I have huge jugs. - Jay!
I'm tucking my penis between my legs.
I'm definitely not doing this again when I get home.
You're pinching it so tight.
Just kidding. I'm Jay now, guys.
And my dick, whoo, feels amazing.
All right boys, let's... Oh no!
There's a naked lady in here.
Did I walk into the triangle body locker room again?
- Coach Steve, that's Jay. - Jay's a naked lady?
What? No.
Have you never seen a naked woman before?
- It's on my to-do list. - What?
Sorry, let's just fill in some blanks real quick.
- You're 47... - Yeah.
- ... but you never seen a naked woman. - No way!
Let's put aside for just a moment that you are our sex ed teacher.
- I'm your guy. - Coach Steve...
- have you ever had sex? - What?
Of course not. I'm not a mommy or a daddy.
Yeah, come on. What do I look like?
You do know you can have sex without having a baby.
Are you messing with me, Matthew?
Oh, bless your heart, you un-sharpened pencil.
Speaking of sharpened pencils,
Oh, boy. I might have to break off the tip.
Ooh! I'm flat as a cheese board.
Missy, if you're a cheese board,
then I'd happily be the Manchego
and dried apricots that rest upon you.
Oh, thanks, Nathan Fillion.
That's very sweet of you to say.
- Ha! Too bad it's bullshit! - What?
You look like a boy!
Jeez Louise. Your chest is concave. It's like a spoon.
My mom says I'm going to develop in my own time.
- Ha! You fell for that? - Holy heck!
You're ugly and stupid!
My mom wouldn't lie to me. She's my best friend.
Best friend? What a bleeping loser.
Your hope is embarrassing.
Don't listen to her, Missy. I find your hope winning.
What do you know, Fillion?
You're just a sex symbol for nerds and geriatrics.
- Gasp! - And you have way more hair
- than you really need. - Do I? I've wondered that before.
- You make me sick. - Oh! You're really mean.
I'm honest! Take a hard look in the mirror, lady.
You look like an understuffed scarecrow in those Baby Gap overalls.
I'm just more focused on function than fashion... I guess.
News flash: Nobody wants to see that bummer of a body.
- Holy Schnikes. - Cover it up, you sock puppet.
- Maybe I should. - Do you have one
in size big boy fatty barrel-chest fatso?
It's for a friend.
So, how's Jesse holding up?
I cannot believe she ran away with Jay.
It's a real cry for help.
Remember when Judd ran away and then came back a week later?
How do you know I'm the original Judd?
If you were an impostor, I'd love you even more.
I'm pretty sure Jesse's fine. We've been focused on...
some other things.
Two things in particular.
What are you little perverts talking about?
Oh, it's nothing.
- There's this new girl at school. - Well, she's not new.
But let's just say her body is.
Hey, we're talking tits? Sorry I'm late. Traffic was terrible.
But you had time to stop for coffee.
Joke's on you. I brought this from home.
- So what... - I reused the cup.
Now, hold on. You boys don't just like this girl for her body, do you?
- No. - No, she has a nice face, too.
Have you even spoken to her?
Yes, Leah.
I've spoken to her.
Hey, if you're sick, you know, just stay home.
Okay, let's say I do like her breasts. I mean, what's wrong with that?
Well, there's nothing wrong with it per se.
I mean, even I can appreciate a nice set of boobs.
Ah!
- This is vodka. - Listen, you want me sharp or what?
But it's how you guys are talking about it.
I'm sorry, you look at boobs, like, in a lesbian way?
No.
Women just admire each other's bodies
- in a way that men don't. - Exactly.
Andrew, I think the mother and the sister are about to fuck.
Do you not know their names? We're over here all the time.
Sorry, yes. Lexi and Rita are about to fuck.
So, I just want to clarify. It's okay for us to like boobs?
Yes, but you can't treat a woman like her boobs are all she is.
And if you're really interested in this girl, get to know her.
Uh-huh. Get to know her. Perhaps I shall.
Argh! Don't say it like that, Dr. Tiny.
You know, I just realized something.
Every single person at this table
has had Diane's breasts in their mouth.
- Well... - Except for you, Andrew.
All right, now Marcus is inviting you to suck Rita's tits.
- What? - Oh, Andrew.
- Why can't we live with the Borks? - You think their last name is Bork?
Yeah. Licorice Bork.
Hey, Shannie! Oh, wow! Your hair looks great.
Thanks. I tried flat iron, but...
Hey! I thought you were gonna wear that blue top that we got?
From the Rachel Maddow line at Ross Dress For Less?
Yeah, maybe I should. This top kind of...
- If you want to. - ... makes me look short-necked.
Well, your word, not mine.
I'm gonna go change. I'll be right back.
- Yeah, just wear the blue one. - What the hell?
When has my mom ever cared about what she looks like?
You know it's all her fault.
Oh, hey, Jesse.
Hello, Dina.
Good. Use her name against her.
Look, I know that this must be tough for you. I get that.
I hope that one day we can be friends, yeah?
Friends? I'd rather take a two week cruise on a diaper barge
- than be friends with this skank. - Friends. Sure.
- Great. - Bitch, bye.
_
Why do baby doodie smell so sweet?
Still better than hanging out with Cantor Dina!
_
- I think I'm gonna talk to Gena at lunch. - What?
You're gonna talk to her?
You want to borrow the cardigan I carry around to cover my boners?
What are we talking? Boners?
'Cause I've got one right now, and it's tucked between my legs.
I am full-on Jaying off right here in public
and no one can tell!
Missy, are you okay? You're never late.
To be candid, Jesse, I'm gross and flat,
and my body's disgusting.
- What? Missy... - Might as well admit it.
- Is this because of what Devin said? - No. It's just...
- I finally took a hard look in the mirror. - Oh, Missy...
That's right, gross-o! Preach!
Now, put up your hood,
so people don't have to see your weird pepperoni ears,
you ugly fudgling.
Hey, Mr. Eliezer, some of the kids was saying
that you can have sex without having a baby.
- Yeah? - Have you ever had sex?
Of course, Steve.
I used to help book a live storytelling series.
I've had sex. Everyone has.
- Even the kids? - No, the grown-ups.
Hold on. You're telling me that all the grown-ups are just going around
doing the hoochie poochie with each other?
If that's sex, then yeah.
Mr. Eliezer, I'm going to confide in you...
- I'd rather you didn't. - ... because you're my best friend.
- No, I'm not. - I've never done sex.
That actually makes a tremendous amount of sense.
What do you do? Do you just masturbate constantly?
Well, I ground the pepper once,
- but my peanut got all bent. - What?
It looked like when someone
lifts a dachshund from the middle, you know?
I don't... Wow!
Come on, you're my best friend.
So then, what, do you just have a lot of wet dreams?
You mean sheet sneezes?
Yeah, cause, you know, sometimes I do bed wet thick.
I can't believe you're a teacher.
- I'm the sex ed teacher. - Oh, no.
Oh yeah, best friend.
- Bye, see you later. I'm going to choir. - Bye!
Okay, I'm going to get to know Gina.
And I'm gonna look her in the eyes because she's more than just boobs.
Hey, Gina... Can I honk your horns?
Guys, I asked Gena to honk her horns.
Hey, don't listen to him. I saw him sucking on a battery once.
He was probably wetting it down to shove it up his butt.
Very funny.
Shoving it like a kicker in the shin.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, what's this?
Hey! Hey! What are you gonna do?
Is this weird bench that's connected to the table taken?
No.
- Great. I can plop down. - Okay?
I usually sit on the side of the cafeteria. It's nice.
You can really see staircase three from here.
Yeah. It's a great view.
Yeah, it's really nice.
Anyway, great work on the soccer pitch the other day.
Thanks. You know, in Europe they call it foosball.
That's a really good Coach Steve impression.
You know, you're my best friend.
Oh, yeah, you know what? 'Cause you're my best friend, so...
Wow! Your Coach Steve is like weirdly perfect.
You know, I spend a lot of time with him,
since, I'm the starting point guard on the basketball team.
- Yeah, I've seen you play. - Oh, really?
- You're like a little Muggsy Bogues. - Well, you know,
Muggsy Bogues is already pretty little, but...
Thanks. It's very weird that you know 90s basketball.
My brothers are obsessed with it.
My brother, interestingly enough,
is obsessed with dissecting fetal pigs.
Please do not bring up science. That class is killing me.
Maybe I can help. I don't want to brag, but I am getting a low B, so...
- I'm like a full C. - Mm-hmm.
Grab! Flop 'em around!
What's this?
Nick is so lucky, breathing the same air as those perfect tits.
I can't believe he can just walk up to those boobs and then say things.
Just spitball, but maybe we should study together.
- Tomorrow after school? - All right!
Study hang sesh! Super duper.
As long as you bring your butt batteries.
This is very... I was not expecting this.
I'd love to get a face full of milk from those dairy cannons.
- God, Jay. - Come on, Jesse.
- I never got to breast feed. - How would you guys like it
if girls looked at your dicks all the time?
That would be awesome. Here's four of them.
Don't worry. They're not fighting. This is how they play.
[chuckles[ Jesse, it's different.
Penises are ugly, but boobs...
- Boobs are beautiful. Big, round... - Argh!
- Yeah. - Bounce, bounce, bounce.
- But why are guys so obsessed with them? - Obsessed?
We're interested. We appreciate breasts.
- 'Cause they're big and mushy. - Big, warm and soft.
And we want to stick our dicks betwixt those tits.
God, we really do, don't we?
Remember when Lars had a seizure,
and Summer DiLorenzo bent over to see if he was okay?
Like it was yesterday.
You could see right down her shirt...
All the way to heaven.
Heaven! Heaven!
- My God. - Behold, the peaks and valleys
of the female breast, nature herself.
Heaving with life, calling to you.
A world unto their own.
- The way they move two by two. - Look at them.
- Undulating. - They're so majestic.
Surrender to them.
- Now feel how soft they are. - Soft.
- How they ache for your touch. - I'm home.
I'm home.
Andrew! What are you doing?
Yeah, what are you doing, you weirdo?
What? No, I wasn't at home in the field of the boobs.
Ew, you guys are obsessed with boobs.
This is exactly why Missy feels shitty for not having them.
- She does? - Yeah, we all do.
No! My backpack!
Andrew, man!
- My backpack! - You can't touch his backpack.
That's like his one rule!
Oh, God! No one can tell I'm coming!
They're actually very good guys.
Kid beat the shit out of you.
Jesse's right. I'm out of control. What is it about these boobs?
Behold, the peaks and valleys...
No, stop painting pictures. I feel like a pervert.
So what? You like boobs. That's natural.
You see that? I don't want to make girls feel weird about their bodies.
Especially Missy.
I honestly don't think we can continue working together.
I can't be horny and still be a decent guy?
Look, as his holiness, the Dalai Lama once told me,
you have enough blood to fill your heart or your shvantz. Not both.
How can these girls be our age?
They're all so gorgeous. Must be nice.
Look at that booty and those bazoombas! Pow pow!
Aw! And she misses her dog 'cause she's on vacation.
Okay, I admit some of these girls are kind of pretty,
but my mom says real beauty is on the inside.
So is your colon, and that's packed with crap.
I don't know.
Missy, the important thing is we are smart
- and we know who we are. - You're a couple of ugly nerds!
I wanna believe you, Jesse
but, I don't think boys care that we're smart.
- I know. - I wanna be hot and dumb.
Girls?
I've been eavesdropping long enough,
and hearing you bad mouth your bodies is making me nuts.
There's some place I want to take you.
I don't wanna go to that organic carrot farm. Argh!
I was actually thinking of someplace else.
- Mom! - And before you ask,
no, it's not the Macadamia sanctuary.
I mean, she is funny. She's really pretty.
- Is she smart? Does she know who she is? - What?
I don't know. It's the new ad campaign for Ross Dress For Less.
- She does want to study together. - Hey, that's great!
Finally, the rich white boy catches a break!
Yeah, but now I don't know what to do. I don't want to blow it , dude.
Let me tell you a little Duke-y secret
- when it comes to the ladies. - Okay.
- You ready for this, Nicolai? - I guess.
The secret is...
- Listen. - Listen? That's the big secret?
When they speak, listen to the words they say.
And for extra credit, retain the details
and drop them in at a later date to prove you were listening!
- Oh! - It's shockingly effective! Ha-ha!
So I shouldn't just spout facts so she knows I'm smart?
Apparently not.
It took me a lifetime to realize that women, get this:
Just want to be treated like human beings.
Human beings, huh?
- Wow! - I'll try that.
♪ Oh, listen to the ladies ♪
♪ And you'll be rolling around ♪ ♪ In a big field of titties ♪
♪ But don't trust the titties ♪
♪ The nipples are tiny cameras ♪
Oh, I love you so much, Miss Whistle.
You're always around my neck. Even all the time.
Uh-oh. I bed wet thick again.
That whistle have you thirsty?
Hey, Rick, it's not weird that I haven't,
you know, done sex yet, right?
I blame myself. I'm a bad hormone monster, man.
- No, you're the man, Rick. - No, you're the man, Steve!
Wait, stop the clock.
Is it possible that neither of us is the man?
Oh, man.
No, man. You're the man. Take a look around.
I don't know. Maybe it's time I sheet sneezed into a woman.
Yeah, bring a lady back to your dope pad.
Holy pope!
Uh-oh, smells like
they're dropping us on the diaper barge again.
- What are you gonna do? - Buster, I'm gonna smell those diapers.
Mom, do we have to be naked?
Well that's the whole point, sweetie.
This is a Korean spa where all women can feel comfortable in the nude.
Still, I think I prefer to keep my robe...
I was not ready for this.
- And now I'm fine. - You can't take off your robe.
You look like a busted Smeagol, you flat-chested beanpole ass bitch!
Mom, I know I shouldn't care so much
and I'm really sorry to disappoint you,
but I just don't want anyone to see my weird body.
- That's bull-honkey. - Mom, language!
I'm sorry, but your body is gorgeous.
Just like all the women in here. Look around.
Wowsie woo! There sure are a lot of bare naked ladies in here.
Hot diggity damn.
Look at this cornucopia of flesh.
You see, girls?
Being comfortable in your body is beautiful.
- Maybe she's right. - Oh my goodness.
Maybe...
♪ Every tushy is a snowflake ♪
♪ Every nipple is a star ♪
♪ Every curve and swerve is beautiful ♪
♪ Every stretch mark, every scar ♪
♪ We're smorgasbord of gorgeousness ♪
♪ No two of us the same ♪
♪ God made us in Her image ♪
♪ And that girl ain't got no shame ♪
♪ I love my body ♪
♪ I love it all ♪
♪ Every wrinkle, pimple, dimple Big or small ♪
♪ My booty is a beauty ♪
♪ My boobs a work of art ♪
♪ My love handles my bat wings ♪
♪ I love every single part ♪
♪ Cellulite and knobby knees ♪
♪ Ittie-bitties and double D's ♪
♪ Skinny legs and thunder thighs ♪
♪ Areolas of every shape and size ♪
♪ Innies, outies, easties, westies ♪
♪ Parts I only show my besties ♪
♪ Both big and tiny tush ♪
♪ Bikini wax and full on bush ♪
♪ We love our body ♪
♪ We want the world to know ♪
♪ Every inch from frizzy hair ♪ ♪ To crooked toe ♪
♪ Every belly flat or round ♪
♪ Every butthole bleached or brown ♪
♪ Tiny topless monkey junky funky ♪
♪ Short and tall ♪
♪ We love it all ♪
That's laughable!
Just because these women are okay with their gross bodies,
doesn't mean you get to be. Get a grip, flat Stanley.
You know what, Mirror Missy?
Why don't you just go fudge yourself! You fudging...
Cunt!
Mamma mia!
I'm melting!
♪ We love it all ♪
Jesse, is that you?
- Cantor Dina? - I love that you're here.
Good gravy! Her body is insane!
It's like the universe just bringing us together, you know?
No wonder your mama was worried about getting short-necked.
We should get your mom to come.
The three of us can have a girl's day.
- Fun. - That body make a girl gay.
In fact, it did, right?
We get it, Dina, you look good naked. Congrats.
Jesse...
Wow! Thank you.
It's really a combination of meditation, soul cycle...
- I wasn't trying to be nice. - Eating carob...
I don't wanna be friends with you.
- Oh, okay. - I just want you to leave me alone.
Wow! Why I do all my girlfriends' daughters hate me? Oh well.
Hey, Mom? I just want to say,
thanks for not getting tempted by a vixen.
It's so much easier to study in the library.
My place is so crazy.
'Cause of your two brothers who like 90's basketball?
- Good memory. - I listened.
- You listen. - Yeah.
She smells good. Bite her hand.
- What's this? Hey. - Is it a treat?
A treat for me?
Ah!
- What? - Nothing.
What do you mean, nothing? Tell me.
- Can you keep a secret? - I don't know.
- Promise? - I promise I'll keep it a secret.
I haven't told anyone about Andrew's milk baths.
He has them for his eczema.
I shouldn't have just said that. Just tell me the secret.
Okay. I guess, like,
- DeVon and Devin broke up. - Really?
And I guess it's because DeVon maybe likes me now?
- Huh. How does it make you feel? - Yeah.
- Excited. - Really?
Yeah, I mean, 'cause it's DeVon. I mean, come on.
- Yeah. - I always kind of liked him.
I guess so. I mean, I get it. You know, he's DeVon.
- He's cool. He's funny. He's... - Yeah.
- ... totally black. - What?
- Say it louder.
She didn't hear your race comment.
I said, "That's great." I'm really happy for you.
Yeah, although it is kind of weird,
'cause he never really talked to me before.
- That is weird, isn't it? - Yeah.
It makes you think a little bit, right?
Like what are his intentions, right?
- Sorry, where were we? - You were talking about DeVon being black,
and you were saying it to a Latin girl.
- Ah, great recap. - Hey, you gotta listen.
Missy? What are you doing?
What? It's just a body, you guys, and I am owning it.
Yeah. Being comfortable in your body makes you beautiful they say.
- Sing it! - Oh my God.
Did your moms tell you that?
I bet they're on that website, Ugly Girls are Pretty Too.
- But they aren't, are they, Lola? - No, they're not.
Missy, I think we need to remember
that not everyone went to the Korean spa.
I wanna be really body positive. It's just that...
- I see what you're saying. - Yeah, I'm kind of directly saying,
- like, put your clothes on. - You want me to put my shirt on.
Yeah. I really am not comfortable with subtext.
- Hi, Missy. - Hey, Andrew.
I just want to apologize if I made you feel weird.
Oh! Uh...
I have literally no idea what you're talking about.
- Our bodies, they're changing. - Right.
And if the way boys look at girls makes you uncomfortable,
- then I'm sorry. - Well, that's very sweet...
'Cause I'm just trying to be a good guy, Missy.
- But it's hard. - Oh, okay, well...
It's hard in today's world. Everyone's on their screens
and everything's moving a mile a minute.
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
if neither of us is married in three years,
- should we just get hitched? - Um...
- I... - I'll take that as a soft no.
I think, Gena likes DeVon.
I think I just proposed to Missy.
I think I've cheesed my jeans 11 times today,
but I'm going for a record 13.
Oh, God!
- Hey, Jess. - What?
- Please take off your headphones. - Argh!
I heard that you saw Dina at the Korean spa.
Yeah, I did.
I guess, we've both seen her naked now? So, that's awesome.
- Jesse... - What? She's got a great body.
It's way better than yours.
- Oh! That's a really bitchy thing to say. - Oh, is it?
- 'Cause you're so wonderful? - Honey!
You had an affair and then forced dad to live in the basement.
Okay, Jesse. What exactly do you want from me?
I want you to be a grown up and tell me what's going to happen!
- I don't know what's going to happen. - Oh my God.
- I don't know! - You're the one crying?
- Stop it. - Please.
Stop being so mean to me.
Well, then stop fucking up my life, you short-neck bitch!
- Go to your room! - I'm already in my room!
- You go to your room! - Fine!
Fine!
That was beautiful. No notes!
Argh!
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -