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- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
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All right, my lady
dudes. Time for soccer.
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I love working with you, Miss Whistle.
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I blow into your mouth, and
you scream out your keister.
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- Banter.
- Go Jesse!
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- Love you, Jelly Bean.
- Guys! We're just warming up!
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So your parents are here together.
That's probably a good sign, right?
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Oh, please. It's bullshit.
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My dad's living in the basement,
my mom's dating a woman.
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Oh, okay. Argh!
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I am playing it cool, but some
of that is new information.
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- This isn't even real soccer.
- What? 'Cause they're girls?
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Uh, yeah, sports are played by men,
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starving dogs, and juiced up horses.
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- I can't believe Jesse dumped you.
- Oh no. That's fake news.
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- What?
- She didn't dump me. I dumped her.
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Uh, Nick?
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Whoa!
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- Boobs.
- Boobs!
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Where did those come from?
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- Below the neck... above the waist.
- Boobs!
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- It's definitely them.
- They're looking right at me.
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Boys are so gross.
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Wow! That uniform is
doing something different.
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You're just doing exactly
what they're doing.
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- You're objectifying her.
- Oh!
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- But she looks really good, right?
- Yeah.
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Those boobs! They're too awesome.
Watch out! I'm coming in hard.
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Real hard! I'm going down!
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I can't feel my legs.
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I have to go to the bathroom right now.
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Kill me. Somebody kill me.
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I don't want to live my life in a chair.
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It's not all bad. You can do
Disney world in an hour and a half.
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MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS WITH MATTHEW
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BREAKING NEWS:
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Boob fever, which is not breast cancer,
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is sweeping Bridgeton Middle School.
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Patient zero is Gena Alvarez.
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Gena has tested positive for big tits.
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I took to the hallways to
get some uninformed opinions.
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I wonder what the new
girl's nipples look like.
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Um, she's not new.
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She's been going to school
with us since first grade.
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They're probably the same
color as her mouth, right?
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Nips match lips. That's
what my brothers always say.
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This might be controversial, but
I'm gonna come out as pro boobs.
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They're a beautiful paradox,
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both weightless and
heavy at the same time.
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I heard she has to wear two sports bras.
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I would literally kill a man,
a decent hard-working family man
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for the chance to touch
those big mushy breasts.
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- When does this air?
- Why is everybody so obsessed with boobs?
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I love them. I love them so much,
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'cause whistles, they're on strings,
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so when you accidentally swallow 'em,
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you can yank 'em right back out.
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My boobs don't even bounce when I run.
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And your taters are growing in uneven.
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One's a Yukon Gold,
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one's a little fing-a-ling.
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Oh my God! You guys!
DeVon broke up with me.
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Oh, holy heck. Another broken
heart. That really stinks.
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I'll bet he dumped me for
Gina and her slutty boobs.
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- Uh...
- Big boobs aren't even that great.
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- Right, Lola?
- Yeah.
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You know, my mom wrote me a
check to get a breast reduction,
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but, I spent it on a Pretty
Little Liars meet and greet.
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That sounds like a good investment.
Look, you should all calm down.
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We already live in a society
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that fixates on the female
form, and apsychologically...
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Listen, decimating way
to many young women.
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Boo, feminism. I am not with her.
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- Okay, well, anyway...
- Magga.
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I read somewhere that
no one likes their boobs.
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- I don't mind my boobs.
- What boobs?
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You're flatter than the earth, flat-so.
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- What?
- Lola!
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- Actually, the earth is not flat.
- Tell my pastor that.
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Missy, I wish I didn't
have to wear a bra.
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What is that? An undershirt?
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It's Kirkland Signature.
They also make water.
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That's sweet.
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You're actually very lucky
to be totally completely flat.
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Boys will never bother you,
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'cause you know, there's
nothing there, right?
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Uh... Yeah. I guess I am lucky.
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I'm pretty actually
lucky too, because, like,
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remember the Pretty Little
Liars meet and greet?
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Gina? Ooh! She got such
a bangin' body, bro.
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You love her. You want
to marry those boobs.
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I would 100% marry her boobs.
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It would be a tasteful
ceremony. Catered, open bar,
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but wine and beer only.
I'm not made of money.
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I now pronounce you man and boobs.
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You may motorboat the bride.
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Mazel tov!
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I love you so much.
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- Hey, look at me! I'm Gina.
- Jay!
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- I have huge jugs.
- Jay!
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I'm tucking my penis between my legs.
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I'm definitely not doing
this again when I get home.
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You're pinching it so tight.
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Just kidding. I'm Jay now, guys.
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And my dick, whoo, feels amazing.
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All right boys, let's... Oh no!
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There's a naked lady in here.
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Did I walk into the triangle
body locker room again?
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- Coach Steve, that's Jay.
- Jay's a naked lady?
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What? No.
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Have you never seen
a naked woman before?
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- It's on my
to-do list. - What?
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Sorry, let's just fill
in some blanks real quick.
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- You're 47...
- Yeah.
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- ... but you never seen a naked woman.
- No way!
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Let's put aside for just a moment
that you are our sex ed teacher.
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- I'm your guy.
- Coach Steve...
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- have you ever had sex?
- What?
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Of course not. I'm
not a mommy or a daddy.
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Yeah, come on. What do I look like?
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You do know you can have
sex without having a baby.
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Are you messing with me, Matthew?
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Oh, bless your heart,
you un-sharpened pencil.
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Speaking of sharpened pencils,
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Oh, boy. I might have
to break off the tip.
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Ooh! I'm flat as a cheese board.
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Missy, if you're a cheese board,
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then I'd happily be the Manchego
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and dried apricots that rest upon you.
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Oh, thanks, Nathan Fillion.
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That's very sweet of you to say.
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- Ha! Too bad it's bullshit!
- What?
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You look like a boy!
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Jeez Louise. Your chest is
concave. It's like a spoon.
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My mom says I'm going to
develop in my own time.
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- Ha! You fell for that?
- Holy heck!
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You're ugly and stupid!
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My mom wouldn't lie to
me. She's my best friend.
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Best friend? What a bleeping loser.
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Your hope is embarrassing.
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Don't listen to her, Missy.
I find your hope winning.
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What do you know, Fillion?
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You're just a sex symbol
for nerds and geriatrics.
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- Gasp!
- And you have way more hair
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- than you really need.
- Do I? I've wondered that before.
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- You make me sick.
- Oh! You're really mean.
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I'm honest! Take a hard
look in the mirror, lady.
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You look like an understuffed
scarecrow in those Baby Gap overalls.
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I'm just more focused on
function than fashion... I guess.
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News flash: Nobody wants to
see that bummer of a body.
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- Holy Schnikes.
- Cover it up, you sock puppet.
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- Maybe I should.
- Do you have one
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in size big boy fatty
barrel-chest fatso?
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It's for a friend.
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So, how's Jesse holding up?
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I cannot believe she ran away with Jay.
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It's a real cry for help.
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Remember when Judd ran away
and then came back a week later?
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00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:10,055
How do you know I'm the original Judd?
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If you were an impostor,
I'd love you even more.
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I'm pretty sure Jesse's
fine. We've been focused on...
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00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,686
some other things.
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Two things in particular.
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What are you little
perverts talking about?
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Oh, it's nothing.
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- There's this new girl at school.
- Well, she's not new.
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But let's just say her body is.
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Hey, we're talking tits? Sorry
I'm late. Traffic was terrible.
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But you had time to stop for coffee.
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00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:35,163
Joke's on you. I brought this from home.
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- So what...
- I reused the cup.
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Now, hold on. You boys don't just
like this girl for her body, do you?
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- No.
- No, she has a nice face, too.
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Have you even spoken to her?
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Yes, Leah.
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I've spoken to her.
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Hey, if you're sick,
you know, just stay home.
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Okay, let's say I do like her breasts.
I mean, what's wrong with that?
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Well, there's nothing
wrong with it per se.
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I mean, even I can appreciate
a nice set of boobs.
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Ah!
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00:08:00,939 --> 00:08:03,358
- This is vodka.
- Listen, you want me sharp or what?
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00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:05,121
But it's how you guys
are talking about it.
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00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:08,113
I'm sorry, you look at
boobs, like, in a lesbian way?
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00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:09,197
No.
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00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:12,617
Women just admire each other's bodies
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- in a way that men don't.
- Exactly.
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00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:17,247
Andrew, I think the mother and
the sister are about to fuck.
190
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:20,542
Do you not know their names?
We're over here all the time.
191
00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:23,962
Sorry, yes. Lexi and
Rita are about to fuck.
192
00:08:24,045 --> 00:08:26,965
So, I just want to clarify.
It's okay for us to like boobs?
193
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:30,343
Yes, but you can't treat a woman
like her boobs are all she is.
194
00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:33,388
And if you're really interested
in this girl, get to know her.
195
00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:36,016
Uh-huh. Get to know
her. Perhaps I shall.
196
00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:38,768
Argh! Don't say it like that, Dr. Tiny.
197
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,562
You know, I just realized something.
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00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,340
Every single person at this table
199
00:08:42,341 --> 00:08:44,274
has had Diane's breasts in their mouth.
200
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,668
- Well...
- Except for you, Andrew.
201
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:48,361
All right, now Marcus is
inviting you to suck Rita's tits.
202
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:49,612
- What?
- Oh, Andrew.
203
00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:52,578
- Why can't we live with the Borks?
- You think their last name is Bork?
204
00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:54,534
Yeah. Licorice Bork.
205
00:08:57,829 --> 00:09:01,082
Hey, Shannie! Oh, wow!
Your hair looks great.
206
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:03,668
Thanks. I tried flat iron, but...
207
00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:06,296
Hey! I thought you were gonna
wear that blue top that we got?
208
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,757
From the Rachel Maddow
line at Ross Dress For Less?
209
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,925
Yeah, maybe I should.
This top kind of...
210
00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:13,094
- If you want to.
- ... makes me look short-necked.
211
00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:14,697
Well, your word, not mine.
212
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,240
I'm gonna go change. I'll be right back.
213
00:09:16,264 --> 00:09:18,034
- Yeah, just wear the blue one.
- What the hell?
214
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,310
When has my mom ever cared
about what she looks like?
215
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:23,104
You know it's all her fault.
216
00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:24,856
Oh, hey, Jesse.
217
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,399
Hello, Dina.
218
00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:28,610
Good. Use her name against her.
219
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:32,447
Look, I know that this must
be tough for you. I get that.
220
00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:34,699
I hope that one day we
can be friends, yeah?
221
00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:38,369
Friends? I'd rather take a two
week cruise on a diaper barge
222
00:09:38,453 --> 00:09:41,372
- than be friends with this skank.
- Friends. Sure.
223
00:09:41,456 --> 00:09:43,041
- Great.
- Bitch, bye.
224
00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:44,292
_
225
00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:47,837
Why do baby doodie smell so sweet?
226
00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:51,341
Still better than hanging
out with Cantor Dina!
227
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,842
_
228
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,303
- I think I'm gonna talk to Gena at lunch.
- What?
229
00:09:55,386 --> 00:09:56,513
You're gonna talk to her?
230
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,599
You want to borrow the cardigan
I carry around to cover my boners?
231
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:01,077
What are we talking? Boners?
232
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,853
'Cause I've got one right now,
and it's tucked between my legs.
233
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:07,107
I am full-on Jaying
off right here in public
234
00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:09,692
and no one can tell!
235
00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:13,154
Missy, are you okay? You're never late.
236
00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:15,657
To be candid, Jesse, I'm gross and flat,
237
00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:16,866
and my body's disgusting.
238
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,077
- What? Missy...
- Might as well admit it.
239
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:22,163
- Is this because of what Devin said?
- No. It's just...
240
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:24,624
- I finally took a hard look in the mirror.
- Oh, Missy...
241
00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:26,584
That's right, gross-o! Preach!
242
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:27,961
Now, put up your hood,
243
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,755
so people don't have to see
your weird pepperoni ears,
244
00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:33,007
you ugly fudgling.
245
00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:37,804
Hey, Mr. Eliezer, some
of the kids was saying
246
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:40,682
that you can have sex
without having a baby.
247
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:43,059
- Yeah?
- Have you ever had sex?
248
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:44,727
Of course, Steve.
249
00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:47,480
I used to help book a
live storytelling series.
250
00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:49,023
I've had sex. Everyone has.
251
00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:51,860
- Even the kids?
- No, the grown-ups.
252
00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:55,738
Hold on. You're telling me that all
the grown-ups are just going around
253
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:57,824
doing the hoochie
poochie with each other?
254
00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:00,285
If that's sex, then yeah.
255
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,620
Mr. Eliezer, I'm going
to confide in you...
256
00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:04,181
- I'd rather you didn't.
- ... because you're my best friend.
257
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,124
- No, I'm not.
- I've never done sex.
258
00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:09,294
That actually makes a
tremendous amount of sense.
259
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:11,963
What do you do? Do you
just masturbate constantly?
260
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:13,756
Well, I ground the pepper once,
261
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,009
- but my peanut got all bent.
- What?
262
00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:17,070
It looked like when someone
263
00:11:17,071 --> 00:11:19,220
lifts a dachshund from
the middle, you know?
264
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:21,514
I don't... Wow!
265
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:22,849
Come on, you're my best friend.
266
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:25,977
So then, what, do you just
have a lot of wet dreams?
267
00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:27,437
You mean sheet sneezes?
268
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,023
Yeah, cause, you know,
sometimes I do bed wet thick.
269
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,482
I can't believe you're a teacher.
270
00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,026
- I'm the sex ed teacher.
- Oh, no.
271
00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:34,652
Oh yeah, best friend.
272
00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:37,322
- Bye, see you later. I'm going to choir.
- Bye!
273
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:39,115
Okay, I'm going to get to know Gina.
274
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,594
And I'm gonna look her in the eyes
because she's more than just boobs.
275
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:44,495
Hey, Gina... Can I honk your horns?
276
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:46,998
Guys, I asked Gena to honk her horns.
277
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:49,959
Hey, don't listen to him. I saw
him sucking on a battery once.
278
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:52,462
He was probably wetting it
down to shove it up his butt.
279
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,088
Very funny.
280
00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:56,674
Shoving it like a kicker in the shin.
281
00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:57,758
Jesus Christ.
282
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,302
Oh, what's this?
283
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:01,387
Hey! Hey! What are you gonna do?
284
00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:05,058
Is this weird bench that's
connected to the table taken?
285
00:12:05,683 --> 00:12:06,684
No.
286
00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:10,063
- Great. I can plop down.
- Okay?
287
00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:12,565
I usually sit on the side
of the cafeteria. It's nice.
288
00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:14,409
You can really see
staircase three from here.
289
00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:16,486
Yeah. It's a great view.
290
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:17,904
Yeah, it's really nice.
291
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:20,823
Anyway, great work on the
soccer pitch the other day.
292
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,493
Thanks. You know, in Europe
they call it foosball.
293
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:26,246
That's a really good
Coach Steve impression.
294
00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,081
You know, you're my best friend.
295
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:31,834
Oh, yeah, you know what? 'Cause
you're my best friend, so...
296
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:34,170
Wow! Your Coach Steve
is like weirdly perfect.
297
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,464
You know, I spend a
lot of time with him,
298
00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:39,175
since, I'm the starting point
guard on the basketball team.
299
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,177
- Yeah, I've seen you play.
- Oh, really?
300
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,113
- You're like a little Muggsy Bogues.
- Well, you know,
301
00:12:43,137 --> 00:12:45,324
Muggsy Bogues is already
pretty little, but...
302
00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:47,934
Thanks. It's very weird
that you know 90s basketball.
303
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,337
My brothers are obsessed with it.
304
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:50,826
My brother, interestingly enough,
305
00:12:50,827 --> 00:12:52,563
is obsessed with dissecting fetal pigs.
306
00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:55,525
Please do not bring up science.
That class is killing me.
307
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:58,736
Maybe I can help. I don't want to
brag, but I am getting a low B, so...
308
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:01,155
- I'm like a full C.
- Mm-hmm.
309
00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:03,992
Grab! Flop 'em around!
310
00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:05,075
What's this?
311
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:09,998
Nick is so lucky, breathing the
same air as those perfect tits.
312
00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:14,252
I can't believe he can just walk up
to those boobs and then say things.
313
00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:17,088
Just spitball, but maybe
we should study together.
314
00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:19,132
- Tomorrow after school?
- All right!
315
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:21,050
Study hang sesh! Super duper.
316
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:23,219
As long as you bring
your butt batteries.
317
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:26,180
This is very... I was
not expecting this.
318
00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:29,642
I'd love to get a face full of
milk from those dairy cannons.
319
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:31,185
- God, Jay.
- Come on, Jesse.
320
00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:33,247
- I never got to breast feed.
- How would you guys like it
321
00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:34,540
if girls looked at
your dicks all the time?
322
00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,566
That would be awesome.
Here's four of them.
323
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:39,485
Don't worry. They're not
fighting. This is how they play.
324
00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:41,029
[chuckles[ Jesse, it's different.
325
00:13:41,112 --> 00:13:43,031
Penises are ugly, but boobs...
326
00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:45,533
- Boobs are beautiful. Big, round...
- Argh!
327
00:13:45,616 --> 00:13:46,936
- Yeah.
- Bounce, bounce, bounce.
328
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:49,746
- But why are guys so obsessed with them?
- Obsessed?
329
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:52,248
We're interested. We appreciate breasts.
330
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:54,584
- 'Cause they're big and mushy.
- Big, warm and soft.
331
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:57,211
And we want to stick our
dicks betwixt those tits.
332
00:13:57,295 --> 00:13:58,671
God, we really do, don't we?
333
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:00,798
Remember when Lars had a seizure,
334
00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:04,218
and Summer DiLorenzo bent
over to see if he was okay?
335
00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:05,345
Like it was yesterday.
336
00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:07,268
You could see right down her shirt...
337
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,265
All the way to heaven.
338
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,351
Heaven! Heaven!
339
00:14:15,146 --> 00:14:18,256
- My God.
- Behold, the peaks and valleys
340
00:14:18,257 --> 00:14:20,860
of the female breast, nature herself.
341
00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:24,072
Heaving with life, calling to you.
342
00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:26,491
A world unto their own.
343
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:29,494
- The way they move two by two.
- Look at them.
344
00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:31,913
- Undulating.
- They're so majestic.
345
00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:33,331
Surrender to them.
346
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:35,917
- Now feel how soft they are.
- Soft.
347
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,836
- How they ache for your touch.
- I'm home.
348
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,588
I'm home.
349
00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:43,633
Andrew! What are you doing?
350
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:46,260
Yeah, what are you doing, you weirdo?
351
00:14:46,344 --> 00:14:49,347
What? No, I wasn't at home
in the field of the boobs.
352
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,808
Ew, you guys are obsessed with boobs.
353
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,936
This is exactly why Missy feels
shitty for not having them.
354
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:57,230
- She does?
- Yeah, we all do.
355
00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,899
No! My backpack!
356
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:01,401
Andrew, man!
357
00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:05,154
- My backpack!
- You can't touch his backpack.
358
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,240
That's like his one rule!
359
00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:10,410
Oh, God! No one can tell I'm coming!
360
00:15:10,493 --> 00:15:12,370
They're actually very good guys.
361
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:13,788
Kid beat the shit out of you.
362
00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:16,999
Jesse's right. I'm out of control.
What is it about these boobs?
363
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,293
Behold, the peaks and valleys...
364
00:15:19,377 --> 00:15:22,338
No, stop painting pictures.
I feel like a pervert.
365
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:25,049
So what? You like boobs. That's natural.
366
00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:31,472
You see that? I don't want to make
girls feel weird about their bodies.
367
00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:32,598
Especially Missy.
368
00:15:32,682 --> 00:15:35,351
I honestly don't think we
can continue working together.
369
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,728
I can't be horny and
still be a decent guy?
370
00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:40,898
Look, as his holiness, the
Dalai Lama once told me,
371
00:15:40,982 --> 00:15:44,110
you have enough blood to fill your
heart or your shvantz. Not both.
372
00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:47,780
How can these girls be our age?
373
00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:50,491
They're all so gorgeous. Must be nice.
374
00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:53,578
Look at that booty and
those bazoombas! Pow pow!
375
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:57,540
Aw! And she misses her dog
'cause she's on vacation.
376
00:15:57,623 --> 00:16:00,376
Okay, I admit some of these
girls are kind of pretty,
377
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:03,212
but my mom says real
beauty is on the inside.
378
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,173
So is your colon, and
that's packed with crap.
379
00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:06,632
I don't know.
380
00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:08,843
Missy, the important
thing is we are smart
381
00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:11,762
- and we know who we are.
- You're a couple of ugly nerds!
382
00:16:11,846 --> 00:16:12,930
I wanna believe you, Jesse
383
00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:15,433
but, I don't think boys
care that we're smart.
384
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:18,978
- I know.
- I wanna be hot and dumb.
385
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:20,188
Girls?
386
00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:22,565
I've been eavesdropping long enough,
387
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:25,985
and hearing you bad mouth
your bodies is making me nuts.
388
00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:27,588
There's some place I want to take you.
389
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:29,822
I don't wanna go to that
organic carrot farm. Argh!
390
00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:32,658
I was actually thinking
of someplace else.
391
00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:34,160
- Mom!
- And before you ask,
392
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:36,496
no, it's not the Macadamia sanctuary.
393
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,582
I mean, she is funny.
She's really pretty.
394
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:42,543
- Is she smart? Does she know who she is?
- What?
395
00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:46,547
I don't know. It's the new ad
campaign for Ross Dress For Less.
396
00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:49,008
- She does want to study together.
- Hey, that's great!
397
00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:51,969
Finally, the rich white
boy catches a break!
398
00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:54,448
Yeah, but now I don't know what to
do. I don't want to blow it , dude.
399
00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:56,724
Let me tell you a little Duke-y secret
400
00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:58,243
- when it comes to the ladies.
- Okay.
401
00:16:58,267 --> 00:17:00,061
- You ready for this, Nicolai?
- I guess.
402
00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:01,312
The secret is...
403
00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:05,900
- Listen.
- Listen? That's the big secret?
404
00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:09,153
When they speak, listen
to the words they say.
405
00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:11,989
And for extra credit, retain the details
406
00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:15,076
and drop them in at a later
date to prove you were listening!
407
00:17:15,159 --> 00:17:17,828
- Oh!
- It's shockingly effective! Ha-ha!
408
00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:20,623
So I shouldn't just spout
facts so she knows I'm smart?
409
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:21,707
Apparently not.
410
00:17:21,791 --> 00:17:25,419
It took me a lifetime to
realize that women, get this:
411
00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:27,922
Just want to be treated
like human beings.
412
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:29,840
Human beings, huh?
413
00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:31,092
- Wow!
- I'll try that.
414
00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:32,969
♪ Oh, listen to the ladies ♪
415
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:36,222
♪ And you'll be rolling around ♪
♪ In a big field of titties ♪
416
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:37,890
♪ But don't trust the titties ♪
417
00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:41,269
♪ The nipples are tiny cameras ♪
418
00:17:42,937 --> 00:17:46,524
Oh, I love you so much, Miss Whistle.
419
00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:49,860
You're always around my
neck. Even all the time.
420
00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:55,157
Uh-oh. I bed wet thick again.
421
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:56,951
That whistle have you thirsty?
422
00:17:57,034 --> 00:17:58,995
Hey, Rick, it's not
weird that I haven't,
423
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,622
you know, done sex yet, right?
424
00:18:01,706 --> 00:18:05,042
I blame myself. I'm a
bad hormone monster, man.
425
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:07,962
- No, you're the man, Rick.
- No, you're the man, Steve!
426
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:09,589
Wait, stop the clock.
427
00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:12,883
Is it possible that
neither of us is the man?
428
00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:14,176
Oh, man.
429
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,971
No, man. You're the
man. Take a look around.
430
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:21,350
I don't know. Maybe it's time
I sheet sneezed into a woman.
431
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:24,270
Yeah, bring a lady
back to your dope pad.
432
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,564
Holy pope!
433
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:27,800
Uh-oh, smells like
434
00:18:27,801 --> 00:18:30,109
they're dropping us on
the diaper barge again.
435
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:33,738
- What are you gonna do?
- Buster, I'm gonna smell those diapers.
436
00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:36,741
Mom, do we have to be naked?
437
00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:38,951
Well that's the whole point, sweetie.
438
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:42,705
This is a Korean spa where all women
can feel comfortable in the nude.
439
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:45,791
Still, I think I prefer
to keep my robe...
440
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:48,502
I was not ready for this.
441
00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,880
- And now I'm fine.
- You can't take off your robe.
442
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:55,259
You look like a busted Smeagol,
you flat-chested beanpole ass bitch!
443
00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:57,016
Mom, I know I shouldn't care so much
444
00:18:57,017 --> 00:18:58,763
and I'm really sorry to disappoint you,
445
00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:01,432
but I just don't want
anyone to see my weird body.
446
00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:03,893
- That's bull-honkey.
- Mom, language!
447
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,604
I'm sorry, but your body is gorgeous.
448
00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:09,398
Just like all the women
in here. Look around.
449
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:13,653
Wowsie woo! There sure are a
lot of bare naked ladies in here.
450
00:19:13,736 --> 00:19:15,696
Hot diggity damn.
451
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,991
Look at this cornucopia of flesh.
452
00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:20,534
You see, girls?
453
00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:23,454
Being comfortable in
your body is beautiful.
454
00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:26,957
- Maybe she's right.
- Oh my goodness.
455
00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:28,417
Maybe...
456
00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:30,961
♪ Every tushy is a snowflake ♪
457
00:19:31,045 --> 00:19:32,755
♪ Every nipple is a star ♪
458
00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:35,341
♪ Every curve and
swerve is beautiful ♪
459
00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:37,843
♪ Every stretch mark, every scar ♪
460
00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:40,429
♪ We're smorgasbord of gorgeousness ♪
461
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,181
♪ No two of us the same ♪
462
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,517
♪ God made us in Her image ♪
463
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:48,396
♪ And that girl ain't got no shame ♪
464
00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:50,439
♪ I love my body ♪
465
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:52,525
♪ I love it all ♪
466
00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:56,278
♪ Every wrinkle, pimple,
dimple Big or small ♪
467
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:59,115
♪ My booty is a beauty ♪
468
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,117
♪ My boobs a work of art ♪
469
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,035
♪ My love handles my bat wings ♪
470
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:07,540
♪ I love every single part ♪
471
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,419
♪ Cellulite and knobby knees ♪
472
00:20:11,502 --> 00:20:13,504
♪ Ittie-bitties and double D's ♪
473
00:20:13,587 --> 00:20:15,339
♪ Skinny legs and thunder thighs ♪
474
00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:17,550
♪ Areolas of every shape and size ♪
475
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:19,677
♪ Innies, outies, easties, westies ♪
476
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,762
♪ Parts I only show my besties ♪
477
00:20:21,846 --> 00:20:23,848
♪ Both big and tiny tush ♪
478
00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:27,143
♪ Bikini wax and full on bush ♪
479
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,186
♪ We love our body ♪
480
00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:30,980
♪ We want the world to know ♪
481
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:34,900
♪ Every inch from frizzy hair ♪
♪ To crooked toe ♪
482
00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:37,528
♪ Every belly flat or round ♪
483
00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:39,697
♪ Every butthole bleached or brown ♪
484
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:42,575
♪ Tiny topless monkey junky funky ♪
485
00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:44,326
♪ Short and tall ♪
486
00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:47,455
♪ We love it all ♪
487
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:50,166
That's laughable!
488
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:53,002
Just because these women are
okay with their gross bodies,
489
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:56,005
doesn't mean you get to be.
Get a grip, flat Stanley.
490
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:57,923
You know what, Mirror Missy?
491
00:20:58,048 --> 00:21:01,385
Why don't you just go fudge
yourself! You fudging...
492
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:04,263
Cunt!
493
00:21:04,346 --> 00:21:07,016
Mamma mia!
494
00:21:07,308 --> 00:21:09,769
I'm melting!
495
00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:13,481
♪ We love it all ♪
496
00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:16,275
Jesse, is that you?
497
00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:18,569
- Cantor Dina?
- I love that you're here.
498
00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:21,906
Good gravy! Her body is insane!
499
00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:24,617
It's like the universe just
bringing us together, you know?
500
00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:27,703
No wonder your mama was worried
about getting short-necked.
501
00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:29,580
We should get your mom to come.
502
00:21:29,663 --> 00:21:32,166
The three of us can have a girl's day.
503
00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:34,502
- Fun.
- That body make a girl gay.
504
00:21:34,585 --> 00:21:36,420
In fact, it did, right?
505
00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:39,006
We get it, Dina, you
look good naked. Congrats.
506
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:40,089
Jesse...
507
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:41,967
Wow! Thank you.
508
00:21:42,051 --> 00:21:44,970
It's really a combination
of meditation, soul cycle...
509
00:21:45,054 --> 00:21:47,139
- I wasn't trying to be nice.
- Eating carob...
510
00:21:47,223 --> 00:21:49,308
I don't wanna be friends with you.
511
00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:52,561
- Oh, okay.
- I just want you to leave me alone.
512
00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:55,981
Wow! Why I do all my girlfriends'
daughters hate me? Oh well.
513
00:21:56,065 --> 00:21:57,119
Hey, Mom? I just want to say,
514
00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:59,276
thanks for not getting
tempted by a vixen.
515
00:22:00,694 --> 00:22:02,947
It's so much easier to
study in the library.
516
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:04,365
My place is so crazy.
517
00:22:04,448 --> 00:22:06,534
'Cause of your two brothers
who like 90's basketball?
518
00:22:06,617 --> 00:22:08,369
- Good memory.
- I listened.
519
00:22:08,452 --> 00:22:09,662
- You listen.
- Yeah.
520
00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:11,539
She smells good. Bite her hand.
521
00:22:11,622 --> 00:22:13,958
- What's this? Hey.
- Is it a treat?
522
00:22:14,041 --> 00:22:15,376
A treat for me?
523
00:22:16,836 --> 00:22:18,436
Ah!
524
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:19,436
- What?
- Nothing.
525
00:22:19,437 --> 00:22:20,627
What do you mean, nothing? Tell me.
526
00:22:20,631 --> 00:22:21,817
- Can you keep a secret?
- I don't know.
527
00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:23,717
- Promise?
- I promise I'll keep it a secret.
528
00:22:23,801 --> 00:22:25,681
I haven't told anyone
about Andrew's milk baths.
529
00:22:25,719 --> 00:22:26,799
He has them for his eczema.
530
00:22:26,846 --> 00:22:28,615
I shouldn't have just said
that. Just tell me the secret.
531
00:22:28,639 --> 00:22:31,308
Okay. I guess, like,
532
00:22:31,392 --> 00:22:33,644
- DeVon and Devin broke up.
- Really?
533
00:22:33,727 --> 00:22:37,773
And I guess it's because
DeVon maybe likes me now?
534
00:22:37,857 --> 00:22:40,734
- Huh. How does it make you feel?
- Yeah.
535
00:22:40,818 --> 00:22:41,902
- Excited.
- Really?
536
00:22:41,986 --> 00:22:44,214
Yeah, I mean, 'cause it's
DeVon. I mean, come on.
537
00:22:44,238 --> 00:22:45,990
- Yeah.
- I always kind of liked him.
538
00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:48,242
I guess so. I mean, I get
it. You know, he's DeVon.
539
00:22:48,325 --> 00:22:50,160
- He's cool. He's funny. He's...
- Yeah.
540
00:22:50,244 --> 00:22:51,537
- ... totally black.
- What?
541
00:22:51,620 --> 00:22:52,746
- What?
- Say it louder.
542
00:22:52,830 --> 00:22:54,832
She didn't hear your race comment.
543
00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:57,668
I said, "That's great."
I'm really happy for you.
544
00:22:57,751 --> 00:22:59,879
Yeah, although it is kind of weird,
545
00:22:59,962 --> 00:23:01,606
'cause he never really
talked to me before.
546
00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:03,132
- That is weird, isn't it?
- Yeah.
547
00:23:03,215 --> 00:23:04,750
It makes you think a little bit, right?
548
00:23:04,751 --> 00:23:06,802
Like what are his intentions, right?
549
00:23:06,886 --> 00:23:10,681
- Sorry, where were we?
- You were talking about DeVon being black,
550
00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:13,142
and you were saying it to a Latin girl.
551
00:23:13,225 --> 00:23:15,561
- Ah, great recap.
- Hey, you gotta listen.
552
00:23:18,731 --> 00:23:20,816
Missy? What are you doing?
553
00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:24,361
What? It's just a body, you
guys, and I am owning it.
554
00:23:24,445 --> 00:23:28,490
Yeah. Being comfortable in your
body makes you beautiful they say.
555
00:23:28,574 --> 00:23:30,451
- Sing it!
- Oh my God.
556
00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:32,202
Did your moms tell you that?
557
00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:35,539
I bet they're on that website,
Ugly Girls are Pretty Too.
558
00:23:35,623 --> 00:23:38,709
- But they aren't, are they, Lola?
- No, they're not.
559
00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:40,711
Missy, I think we need to remember
560
00:23:40,794 --> 00:23:43,797
that not everyone
went to the Korean spa.
561
00:23:43,881 --> 00:23:45,817
I wanna be really body
positive. It's just that...
562
00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:48,510
- I see what you're saying.
- Yeah, I'm kind of directly saying,
563
00:23:48,594 --> 00:23:50,113
- like, put your clothes on.
- You want me to put my shirt on.
564
00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:53,098
Yeah. I really am not
comfortable with subtext.
565
00:23:54,308 --> 00:23:55,517
- Hi, Missy.
- Hey, Andrew.
566
00:23:55,601 --> 00:23:58,103
I just want to apologize
if I made you feel weird.
567
00:23:58,187 --> 00:23:59,188
Oh! Uh...
568
00:23:59,271 --> 00:24:01,315
I have literally no idea
what you're talking about.
569
00:24:01,398 --> 00:24:03,484
- Our bodies, they're changing.
- Right.
570
00:24:03,567 --> 00:24:05,848
And if the way boys look at
girls makes you uncomfortable,
571
00:24:05,903 --> 00:24:08,197
- then I'm sorry.
- Well, that's very sweet...
572
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,491
'Cause I'm just trying
to be a good guy, Missy.
573
00:24:10,574 --> 00:24:11,885
- But it's hard.
- Oh, okay, well...
574
00:24:11,909 --> 00:24:14,536
It's hard in today's world.
Everyone's on their screens
575
00:24:14,620 --> 00:24:16,241
and everything's moving a mile a minute.
576
00:24:16,242 --> 00:24:17,790
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
577
00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:19,583
if neither of us is
married in three years,
578
00:24:19,667 --> 00:24:22,086
- should we just get hitched?
- Um...
579
00:24:22,628 --> 00:24:25,089
- I...
- I'll take that as a soft no.
580
00:24:25,172 --> 00:24:26,715
I think, Gena likes DeVon.
581
00:24:26,799 --> 00:24:29,009
I think I just proposed to Missy.
582
00:24:29,093 --> 00:24:32,471
I think I've cheesed
my jeans 11 times today,
583
00:24:32,554 --> 00:24:35,599
but I'm going for a record 13.
584
00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:37,267
Oh, God!
585
00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:41,730
- Hey, Jess.
- What?
586
00:24:41,814 --> 00:24:43,454
- Please take off your headphones.
- Argh!
587
00:24:43,524 --> 00:24:45,818
I heard that you saw
Dina at the Korean spa.
588
00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:46,902
Yeah, I did.
589
00:24:46,986 --> 00:24:49,989
I guess, we've both seen her
naked now? So, that's awesome.
590
00:24:50,072 --> 00:24:51,949
- Jesse...
- What? She's got a great body.
591
00:24:52,032 --> 00:24:53,784
It's way better than yours.
592
00:24:53,867 --> 00:24:57,287
- Oh! That's a really bitchy thing to say.
- Oh, is it?
593
00:24:57,371 --> 00:24:58,765
- 'Cause you're so wonderful?
- Honey!
594
00:24:58,789 --> 00:25:02,251
You had an affair and then forced
dad to live in the basement.
595
00:25:02,376 --> 00:25:04,336
Okay, Jesse. What exactly
do you want from me?
596
00:25:04,420 --> 00:25:06,900
I want you to be a grown up and
tell me what's going to happen!
597
00:25:06,964 --> 00:25:09,258
- I don't know what's going to happen.
- Oh my God.
598
00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:11,135
- I don't know!
- You're the one crying?
599
00:25:11,218 --> 00:25:12,218
- Stop it.
- Please.
600
00:25:12,261 --> 00:25:14,013
Stop being so mean to me.
601
00:25:14,096 --> 00:25:16,390
Well, then stop fucking up
my life, you short-neck bitch!
602
00:25:16,473 --> 00:25:18,934
- Go to your room!
- I'm already in my room!
603
00:25:19,018 --> 00:25:20,936
- You go to your room!
- Fine!
604
00:25:21,020 --> 00:25:22,896
Fine!
605
00:25:23,022 --> 00:25:25,774
That was beautiful. No notes!
606
00:25:25,858 --> 00:25:28,110
Argh!
607
00:25:30,196 --> 00:25:35,196
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -