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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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All right, guys.
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Today we're focusing
on sexual education,
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which I am now qualified to teach
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PEENAS AND SWEETIES
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because I recently made
thick in the warm.
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- Any questions?
- Nick Birch, row three.
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When you say thick in the warm,
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- what do you mean by that?
- I had the same question.
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I'm talking about emptying
my guts into a lady.
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Who could be anyone's mom.
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Oh, I see.
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So the lady is the warm, and then
Coach Steve, he makes the thick?
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- Oof!
- Argh!
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I hope you at least wore a condom.
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A yogurt balloon? No. Those
things taste terrible.
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Aren't you worried about
getting the woman pregnant?
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Or like getting an STD?
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I didn't even think of that.
I was so busy gooping.
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Maybe you should go to a doctor
or a Planned Parenthood.
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What's Planned Parenthood?
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It's an abortion factory.
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Jay, you don't know what
you're talking about.
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You've never even been
to a Planned Parenthood.
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Oh, for your information, I've been
in the car and number of times
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when my dad has dropped off
his receptionist there,
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and he calls it an abortion factory.
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Yeah, we seen his law commercials.
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Don't forget his Twitter feed.
Pretty outspoken on Twitter.
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I'm sorry, but they do a
lot more than abortions.
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Yeah, they save lives.
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- By killing babies?
- Jay, please stop.
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Watch YouTube, guys.
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Just watch YouTube.
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Gentlemen, I think Jesse is
referring to cancer screenings.
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I don't understand.
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Is there some sort of
skit that we can watch
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that'd be entertaining and
informative, but also not too preachy?
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Ooh! That is a fine line
we're trying to walk.
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- Well, we're gonna do our best.
- All right.
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The year is 2126.
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The evil Lord Bilzerian has
declared women's healthcare "gay"
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and outlawed all Planned Parenthoods.
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Luckily, an elite medical
team travels the galaxy,
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helping women in need,
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led by Captain Missy
Foreman-Greenwald. They are...
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The Vagilantes!
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Captain, we're getting
an urgent transmission.
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A female on Texania is
due for a pap smear.
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Chewbacca sound!
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Affirmative. Initiate hyper speed.
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Texania. That's Bilzerian territory.
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Don't worry, Missy. I'll protect you.
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Well, I'll protect her too.
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General Fillion and Janitor
Glouberman, though I'm flattered,
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I'm fully capable of protecting myself.
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Excuse me, am I a janitor?
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Every person on this team
is equally important.
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Even the person who through our
feces out of the window by hand.
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What? Why do I have to do it that way?
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Fuck you, Glouberman,
and go wash your hands.
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No matter how much you wash your hands,
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a trace amount of feces
will always remain.
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Captain, our sensors have detected
a Bilzerian patrol in the area.
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DON'T MESS-ANIA WITH TEXANIA
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The patient is ready.
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Brace yourself, people!
Initiating shrink down.
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I wish there was a way to shrink
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my burning desire to be with you, Missy.
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Well, I wish we could shrink the feces.
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I mean we obviously have the technology.
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Prepare for pelvic exam!
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You know, I'll never get
used to this part of the job.
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Extending the swab, captain.
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Okay, now scan the sample
for abnormal cells.
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Captain, another ship
has entered the vagina.
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What sort of space ship would
enter a vagina without consent?
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- The Bilzerians.
- Yeah, the Bilzerians.
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I was totally gonna say that.
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You heard me say it first
though. Right, Missy?
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Oh, boys. Please.
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Attention! Your ship is in violation
of Bilzerian Space Law 69,
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but only on the guy.
Surrender immediately.
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Not on my watch, friend.
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We'll lose them in the fallopian
tubes. I guarantee it.
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It's gonna be a tight squeeze.
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Oh Missy, if anyone can do it, you can.
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Kiss butt much, Fillion?
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Well, I'd rather kiss butt
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than take what comes out of a butt
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by hand and fling it out the window.
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You know, you're 50 years old.
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Missy, I need you to know I
am only in my mid-forties.
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Oh, sweet mother Gaia.
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Look at all of these beautiful ova.
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When the average woman is
born, she has 300,000 eggs.
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Gracious me! Do you see what I see?
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An ovarian cyst!
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Oh, fuck. I mean, Chewbacca sound!
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We have to remove in case it ruptures.
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I'm going out there.
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No, Missy. It's too dangerous.
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For once, I agree with Mr. Shit.
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Do you see how mean he is to me?
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Guys, I have to do it.
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This woman's reproductive
health might be at stake.
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Approaching cyst.
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It looks cyst-y.
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Missy, we've got a problem.
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Is it that you're 46 and she's 13?
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Stop right there.
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We've got you surrounded.
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Any last requests, science lesbo?
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Actually, yes. Just one.
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I ask you to look around
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at the majesty of the
female reproductive system,
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because it is this very system
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that brings each and every
one of us into the world.
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Even you, Bilzerians.
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You are of us.
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You know, she's right.
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The female reproductive
system is how you make...
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- boys.
- Go now, Missy,
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and I will see to it that we
protect these beautiful factories
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for male excellence.
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- Come on, boys!
- Dudes!
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Okay, not exactly the point I
was making, but I'll take it!
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Vagina wipe!
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Missy, we've analyzed the cells,
and our patient is gonna be okay.
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What an exciting
adventure this has been.
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Yes, it really makes you think
about what's important.
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Andrew, I'm sorry that
you're a shit flinger.
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And I'm sorry that all
your shows got canceled.
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Touche. Perhaps we're more
alike than we care to admit.
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Andrew, would you be willing
to dance the merengue with me
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while we both make searing
eye contact with Missy?
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Si, Senor. A thousand times si.
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Chewbacca sound!
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Wo wo wo!
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You said it, baby. Vroom!
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Argh!
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Okay, fine.
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Maybe Planned Parenthood does
a couple cancer screenings.
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00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:27,053
- But it's mostly abortions.
- Common misconception, Jay.
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Abortions make up only a tiny
percentage of what they do.
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Yeah, they also do breast exams.
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Which I've already
offered to do for free
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for all the girls in the class.
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00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:38,398
In fact, I'll pay you in Bitcoin.
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Kid's a financial genius.
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Why aren't you offering girls
money to touch their tits?
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Because it's prostitution.
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Not if you do it so good,
she falls in love with you.
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You know that's possible, right?
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Also, Planned Parenthood
offers birth control
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to literally millions of people.
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- Bird control?
- What?
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Good luck.
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Everybody says that pigeons
are the rats of the sky,
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but let me tell you something,
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they're the Einsteins of the
diaper barge where I live.
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I think the person who had sex with
you may have committed a crime.
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- Yeah.
- Steve, we're talking about contraception.
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Again, if you had some sort of
skit that referenced a TV show,
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I might have a shot at understanding.
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Okay, you broken Roomba.
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I wish I had wheels, running
into walls and what-not.
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Babies... they're like tuna melts.
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They sound good, but do you
really want one right now?
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I don't want a baby or a tuna melt.
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LEAH 16 YEARS OLD
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The tuna's all hot,
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and a baby's, like, a
lot of responsibility.
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That's why tonight, we're
going to help Leah find...
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the perfect contraception.
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MISS CONCEPTION
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Leah, let's meet your choices, girl.
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I'm so excited.
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Okay, easy, Anne Hathaway. Calm down.
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Hi, Leah.
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CONDOM INVENTED 1642
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- What's up?
- Oh, wow!
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Nice to meet you.
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Did we just hug? I
couldn't feel anything.
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Yeah, we definitely hugged.
187
00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:02,774
Just kidding. I felt it a tiny bit.
It was okay.
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00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:05,318
Hi Leah, I'm the pill.
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THE PILL INVENTED 1957
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Let's get right to it. I need
to know that you're serious.
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I think I am.
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00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:12,701
No, you have to make a
commitment to me every day.
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- What if I forget?
- Then every day for the rest of your life,
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- you're going to have a tuna melt.
- Ugh!
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00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:18,832
THE IMPLANT INVENTED 1998
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00:08:18,910 --> 00:08:20,399
Hey, girl, I'm surgically implanted
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00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,709
in your arm for up to three years.
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00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:23,139
With me, you just set it and forget it,
199
00:08:23,140 --> 00:08:24,795
and let the dude just slam it home.
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00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:27,173
Slam it home? Is that what sex is like?
201
00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:28,758
Through college at least.
202
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,469
DIAPHRAGM INVENTED 1883
203
00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:34,180
We both know you're
not going to pick me.
204
00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:36,766
- I'm just here for the buffet.
- Okay.
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00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:39,519
Your mother and I were
really good friends.
206
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:41,855
I'm an IUD.
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00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:43,148
IUD INVENTED 1800s
208
00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:45,734
I'm incredibly effective, but
it's going to hurt going in.
209
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:50,113
- But perhaps you like a little pain.
- Your lips are freezing.
210
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,675
PULL OUT METHOD INVENTED LIKE
TWO YEARS AFTER SEX STARTED
211
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,200
Hey, what's up?
212
00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:56,202
- I'm the Pull Out Method.
- Hi.
213
00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:58,872
Oh, whoa! Were we about to kiss, babe?
214
00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:01,041
Um, excuse me, his hand is on my boob.
215
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:03,710
Hey, get off of her! Go to the
mansion and get some wine.
216
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:05,754
Don't threaten me with a good time.
217
00:09:07,170 --> 00:09:08,959
The cocktail party was
a really great way
218
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,632
to get to know my
options a little better
219
00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:12,010
while eating coconut shrimp.
220
00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:17,015
Honey, can you get me a doggy
bag for the mango salsa?
221
00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:18,799
Seven of them are sugar pills,
222
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,559
but I would take them
just to keep track.
223
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,686
Sounds complicated.
224
00:09:21,770 --> 00:09:23,772
Wait, so do I get my
period during those days?
225
00:09:23,855 --> 00:09:25,523
Yeah, it's kind of a bummer, but...
226
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,609
I'm sorry, can I just
steal you for a sec?
227
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:28,818
Oh. Let me just...
228
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:29,986
I hate talking shit,
229
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:33,323
but none of these other
choices prevent STDs.
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- Oh!
- Babe, babe, baby...
231
00:09:35,825 --> 00:09:38,787
I just want to be close to you
with nothing in between us.
232
00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:40,830
- Is that so wrong?
- I guess not?
233
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:45,752
Also, with these other methods, you
don't get that sweet belly blam.
234
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:46,835
Oh!
235
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,676
Well, Leah, it's time.
236
00:09:54,511 --> 00:09:57,764
This is the hardest choice
I have ever had to make.
237
00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:02,310
You are all so special, but I have
to go with my heart and pick...
238
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:17,826
The Pull Out Method!
239
00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:18,909
Yes!
240
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,079
I cannot wait to come inside you.
241
00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:22,681
- Oh, man.
- Don't trust him.
242
00:10:24,050 --> 00:10:25,050
Oh yeah.
243
00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:26,435
There it is, ladies and gentlemen.
244
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,711
Another teenager making
a terrible life choice.
245
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:31,005
Cut! Nope. Turn the lights on.
246
00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:33,508
You are not picking the Pull Out Method.
247
00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:34,968
Mom, we love each other!
248
00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:37,220
- Whoa! Your mom is hot.
- I know this guy.
249
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:39,264
He gave me chlamydia.
250
00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:41,015
You are beautiful.
251
00:10:41,099 --> 00:10:42,892
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
252
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,061
You're going on the pill,
and you're using condoms.
253
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,312
- Yes.
- Come to me, baby.
254
00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:48,231
- And that is final.
- Double up.
255
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,066
Diane, is that you?
256
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:52,735
I haven't seen you since senior prom.
257
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:55,697
- Yeah.
- Michael Villareal? Hello.
258
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:57,949
- He was a catch.
- How are you doing?
259
00:10:58,032 --> 00:11:00,451
- I'm dying, Diane.
- Oh, uh...
260
00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:01,703
Bone cancer.
261
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:03,288
Sorry to hear that. Leah, let's go.
262
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:04,706
It spread to my feet.
263
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:07,490
- THE IMPLANT INVENTED 1998
- Honestly, it's just at this point...
264
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,711
and it's hard enough to
be open in today's world,
265
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:11,671
and I offered to be fully implanted,
266
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:14,465
and I think that is a rare find
to just meet at contraceptive,
267
00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:15,967
that's like, "I will implant today
268
00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,803
and I can guarantee you that I'll
be there for you for three years,"
269
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,197
but obviously if that's not enough,
270
00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:22,283
maybe she's not the person
that I should be protecting.
271
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:23,819
Like maybe I should
be protecting myself,
272
00:11:23,820 --> 00:11:25,058
'cause obviously I'm hurt now.
273
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,770
Like maybe I should just put a
fucking condom over my own self.
274
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:32,942
Well, in the end, I think
she made a wise choice.
275
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:36,321
Coming up next, the finale
of Spatula in Paradise.
276
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,948
You're both such amazing spatulas,
277
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,868
so this is one of the hardest
decisions I've ever had to make,
278
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:43,328
but I'm going to choose...
279
00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:46,664
- the metal one.
- They're both metal.
280
00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:48,625
The one I did pancakes with.
281
00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:50,959
Wow! I never realized women had to make
282
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,461
so many birth control choices.
283
00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:54,505
Well, men need to take
responsibility too, though.
284
00:11:54,589 --> 00:11:55,965
Beautifully said, Jesse.
285
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,800
Dad, what are you doing here?
286
00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,136
Nickie, I knew you would've
been so embarrassed
287
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,597
If I didn't come and tell
your entire sex ed class
288
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,183
- about my decision to get a vasectomy.
- A vasectomy?
289
00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:08,353
Your mother and I are making
a commitment to pleasure.
290
00:12:08,436 --> 00:12:10,289
- What does that mean?
- Please don't ask him that.
291
00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:11,731
Okay everybody, from now on,
292
00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:14,067
my erotic ministrations
with Nickie's mother
293
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:17,403
will be purely an expression
of lust and gratitude.
294
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:19,113
- We're done here.
- No more babies.
295
00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:21,407
- Just knee buckling orgasms.
- Dad...
296
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:23,618
To say I'm eager to please
is an understatement.
297
00:12:23,700 --> 00:12:25,719
Wow, Dr. Birch. You're a real partner
298
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,038
in family planning with your wife.
299
00:12:27,039 --> 00:12:28,679
Well, Mrs. Birch's birth control
300
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:30,680
was robbing her of her natural moisture.
301
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:32,752
Ooh! What, are we talking
about, your mom's N.M.?
302
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:34,170
- Jay...
- Natural Moisture.
303
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:37,173
Dad, get out of here and just
go get your vasectomy already.
304
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,377
- Okay?
- You got it, Nickie,
305
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:40,051
but you're coming on the journey...
306
00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:41,636
- ... with me.
- Oh dear Lord.
307
00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:43,346
ELLIOT'S VASECTOMY
308
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:45,765
It all started in Brooklyn, my hometown.
309
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:50,019
Land of the Dodgers, Coney Island,
and Nathan's Famous dogs.
310
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,863
These were dogs that had
their own headshots.
311
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:52,880
TO Elliot, I <3 You
312
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:55,108
The year was 1955.
313
00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:56,567
Hold on. 1955?
314
00:12:56,651 --> 00:12:58,361
No. You weren't even born yet, dad.
315
00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,363
Not to mention, Nathan sells hot dogs.
316
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,490
They were hot, Nickie. Red hot.
317
00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:05,326
- The biggest stars in the country.
- So the dogs were movie stars.
318
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:06,536
It's my vasectomy.
319
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,454
I'll tell the story how I want.
320
00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:10,039
The first year of my residency,
321
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,750
I was working nights at
a 1950s themed diner,
322
00:13:12,834 --> 00:13:14,168
which back then was just a diner,
323
00:13:14,252 --> 00:13:18,548
when in walked the most beautiful
girl I'd ever seen: Your mother.
324
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,551
- Hi, I'm Diane Keaton.
- That's not mom's maiden name.
325
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,761
I'm an independent woman
who's sexually liberated.
326
00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:25,013
That's why I'm wearing pants.
327
00:13:25,096 --> 00:13:27,307
She was a woman who
knew what she wanted.
328
00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:29,767
Pants, and also your old man,
329
00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:33,021
who was a young man then in 1955.
330
00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:36,441
I was smitten, Nickie. And one
night, your mother called me over
331
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:38,026
because a lobster was attacking her.
332
00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:40,611
I came as soon as my analyst
told me you called.
333
00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:42,172
I'm sorry, is that a Woody Allen thing?
334
00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:45,116
I've never seen any of his movies,
'cause mom says he's a monster.
335
00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:46,701
And I saved your mother
336
00:13:46,780 --> 00:13:48,719
by giving the lobster a tennis racket.
337
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:49,786
Okay, I'm gonna stop you.
338
00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:51,627
I thought this was the
story of your vasectomy.
339
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,541
It's about our family. Anyway...
340
00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:57,003
Elliot, we've done oral to
each other a number of times,
341
00:13:57,086 --> 00:13:58,838
but now I want to have sex with you.
342
00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:00,381
You mean, make love.
343
00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:01,674
Argh! Sure.
344
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:04,802
So what is this, the night
that you guys conceived Judd?
345
00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:07,388
Not that night, Nickie,
because it was during the day.
346
00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:09,640
Your mother rolled a condom on slowly.
347
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,199
My penis was as hard as it is for me
348
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,420
to watch you kids grow up so fast.
349
00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:16,814
Dad, this is unforgivable.
350
00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:19,067
Flash forward to the 1970s.
351
00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:21,110
The year was 1955.
352
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:24,989
Your mother and I, now married,
were ready to start a family.
353
00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:28,409
Diane, I long to be with child.
354
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,888
Well, then you can't use
those condoms that you love.
355
00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:33,498
Now that was the night
we conceived Judd.
356
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:36,061
Dad, are you on a bunch of
painkillers for your surgery?
357
00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:38,920
I am. It's the Randy Quaid cocktail.
358
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:42,757
A few years later,
flash forward to 1955.
359
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,259
It was the 80s, and greet was good.
360
00:14:45,343 --> 00:14:47,136
Look, I'm the movie Baby Boom.
361
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,722
I've got career on the brain,
but also these three kids.
362
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:50,807
So now I'm on the pill.
363
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,600
Folks, what's the deal with baths?
364
00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:54,227
Why do I never wanna take one?
365
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:56,854
But then once I'm out, and I
come down in my pajammies,
366
00:14:56,860 --> 00:14:57,860
I'm so happy.
367
00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,210
Anyway, that's my time.
You've been a great family.
368
00:15:00,220 --> 00:15:01,220
Good night.
369
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:02,443
Argh!
370
00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:04,362
Our family was complete,
371
00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:07,740
and now it's my turn to take
over our reproductive destiny,
372
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,409
by getting a vasectomy.
373
00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:12,995
Nickie, my final child,
hold my soft moist hand
374
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:15,665
while this crustacean
slices open my scrotum.
375
00:15:15,670 --> 00:15:16,670
Oof!
376
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:18,584
- I love you, Nikki.
- I love you too, dad.
377
00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:23,589
THE END
378
00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:26,676
Barbara, did you touch
my box of peach pits?
379
00:15:26,750 --> 00:15:27,959
I'm looking for the one I was sucking
380
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,845
on the toilet last week. It's not here.
381
00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:32,265
You're asking me if I
took your toilet pit?
382
00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:34,684
Yeah, I like to suck the
fiber out of the ridges.
383
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:37,019
This one was perfect. It
was a sucker's dream.
384
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:38,980
No, Marty. I did not.
385
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:41,983
Fine. Andrew! Did you lay
your grubby hands on my pits?
386
00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:45,421
You're listening to the radio,
387
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,099
which means you're
either in a rental car
388
00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:49,100
or the community room in nursing home.
389
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,451
Up next, another song
we've chosen for you.
390
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,578
Deee-Lite's 1990 classic,
391
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:54,787
"Groove Is in the Heart."
392
00:15:58,458 --> 00:15:59,959
DEEE-LITE LIVE
393
00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:02,336
♪ Dig ♪
394
00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:12,430
♪ The chills that you spill up my back ♪
395
00:16:12,763 --> 00:16:15,308
♪ Keep me filled with satisfaction ♪
♪ When we're done ♪
396
00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:17,643
♪ Satisfaction of what's to come ♪
397
00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:20,646
♪ No, I couldn't ask for another ♪
398
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:37,497
♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
399
00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:41,000
♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
400
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:44,921
♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
401
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,006
♪ Astronomical ♪
402
00:16:56,933 --> 00:16:59,644
- ♪ Watch out ♪
- ♪ The depth of hula groove ♪
403
00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:01,604
♪ Move us to the nth hoop ♪
404
00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:04,649
♪ We're going through
to Horten hears a who ♪
405
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:06,817
♪ I couldn't ask for another ♪
406
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:08,027
PREGNANT
407
00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:12,031
PLANNED PARENTHOOD
408
00:17:12,907 --> 00:17:15,368
♪ DJ Soul was on a roll ♪
409
00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:17,620
♪ I been told he can't be sold ♪
410
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:21,499
♪ Not vicious or malicious ♪
♪ Just de-lovely and delicious ♪
411
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:24,085
♪ I couldn't ask for another ♪
412
00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:25,336
♪ Sing it ♪
413
00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:28,673
♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
414
00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:33,177
♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
415
00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:37,139
♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
416
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:40,351
♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
417
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:51,737
- I do.
- One, two...
418
00:17:51,821 --> 00:17:52,821
I do.
419
00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:07,920
Well, what are we gonna name him?
420
00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:10,631
How about... Andrew?
421
00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:12,758
Andrew.
422
00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:15,094
Andrew!
423
00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:16,457
Yeah, that works.
424
00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:20,433
Mom, I threw one of Dad's peach
pits at an aggressive squirrel,
425
00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:22,244
- and I think he knows.
- I heard that!
426
00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:23,410
- Help me!
- Andrew!
427
00:18:23,420 --> 00:18:24,420
Aw!
428
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:28,065
♪ I couldn't ask for another ♪
429
00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:33,779
Busted! Planned Parenthood
does do abortions.
430
00:18:33,860 --> 00:18:35,679
Yeah, because women have the right to
431
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,490
choose what happens to their bodies.
432
00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:40,202
Oh, shit. I'm gonna get some
Twitter comments about this.
433
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,830
They're gonna be mean and
threatening, and weirdly personal.
434
00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:44,206
You okay, Andrew?
435
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:47,668
- These things, they're just skits, right?
- Most of them are,
436
00:18:47,752 --> 00:18:50,087
but that one seems like
it really happened.
437
00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:51,589
- It does, doesn't it?
- Ha-ha!
438
00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:53,424
Andrew's older brother is an abortion.
439
00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:55,468
Your brothers make you eat cum crackers.
440
00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,511
My mom says that's how
I get my nutrients!
441
00:18:57,595 --> 00:19:00,598
Sex is... so complicated.
442
00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:03,434
I know. And we haven't
even talked about STDs.
443
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:04,799
STDs?
444
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,210
Oh, no! I think this
one's gonna be scary.
445
00:19:07,220 --> 00:19:08,220
BLUE WAFFLE
446
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:10,358
Be careful, black and white Andrew!
447
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:14,153
- Andrew!
- Lola...
448
00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:15,655
how do you know where I live?
449
00:19:15,738 --> 00:19:18,240
I googled it, you chinless turd.
450
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:21,577
Because I needed to tell you
that you gave me Blue Waffle.
451
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,037
Blue Waffle? What's that?
452
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,120
Don't lie!
453
00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:27,792
It's an STD that makes your
vagenitals look like this.
454
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,003
Is that you?
455
00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:32,338
No, but it will be.
456
00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:35,091
Right now, I'm just, like, super itchy.
457
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,592
But we didn't even have sex.
458
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:39,261
Our tongues did, dummy. We Frenched!
459
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:41,472
Oh God. We did.
460
00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:44,141
Wait, what happens when
guys get Blue Waffle?
461
00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:47,728
Your dick busts open and it
turns into a bumpy blue waffle,
462
00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:50,690
and you can't even put ice cream
on it 'cause it's too hot.
463
00:19:50,773 --> 00:19:52,858
- It's hot?
- No duh, Andrew.
464
00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:55,194
It's pulsing with, like, dick fever.
465
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:58,072
You can't tell anybody about it,
466
00:19:58,155 --> 00:20:01,158
'cause no one will ever speak
to you or touch you ever again.
467
00:20:01,242 --> 00:20:03,369
Lola, isn't there anything I can do?
468
00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:05,955
You might as well go to a
Doubletree Hotel buffet
469
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:08,416
and stick your dick in a waffle maker,
470
00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:12,002
'cause your life is over,
you blue-dicked buffoon!
471
00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:16,966
Okay, symptoms. After
contracting Blue Waffle,
472
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:20,469
your penis will swell until it sprouts?
473
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,763
Oh my God, Andrew. It's
worse than I thought.
474
00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:23,847
I know.
475
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:26,934
Andrew, what's happening?
476
00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:28,811
- Help me.
- I don't know how!
477
00:20:29,830 --> 00:20:31,731
Andrew! What's all the screaming about?
478
00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:33,190
I'm fine.
479
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,735
Actually, I'm starting to feel better.
480
00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:37,587
What's going on with you, Andrew?
481
00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:40,448
Mom, Dad, I have Blue Waffle.
482
00:20:40,531 --> 00:20:42,450
You weren't supposed to say anything!
483
00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:46,620
Andrew, what have you done to us?
484
00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:50,249
I'm never going to get
this off the walls!
485
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:53,502
This stops here.
486
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,254
Run, sweetheart, run.
487
00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,592
Maury! Shit!
488
00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:03,679
I need help. Anybody?
489
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:06,307
- I need help!
- Hey Andrew! Over here!
490
00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:07,808
How about some hanky-panky?
491
00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:08,976
- Hubba-hubba style.
- What?
492
00:21:09,059 --> 00:21:12,313
Let's climb all over each other
while we listen to the Mets.
493
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,440
Missy, that sounds amazing,
494
00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,650
but I can't!
495
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:19,278
What's wrong? Don't
you want to canoodle?
496
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:22,323
Put your finger in my hoodle?
Come on, you sexy doodle.
497
00:21:22,740 --> 00:21:23,949
Missy, no! Don't!
498
00:21:24,033 --> 00:21:26,076
Gah-waska! What's wrong with me?
499
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,996
I'm so sorry, Missy. I
just gave you Blue Waffle!
500
00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:31,081
Is this supposed to be happening...
501
00:21:31,165 --> 00:21:33,459
Oh, fuck! Her fucking
nose is in my hands!
502
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:36,337
I shot your kid girlfriend
503
00:21:36,420 --> 00:21:39,757
because you're ruined my
walls with your sex disease.
504
00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:45,387
- Nick! Let me in!
- Hey, buddy.
505
00:21:45,471 --> 00:21:47,181
Ah! I'm so glad to see you.
506
00:21:47,264 --> 00:21:48,933
You, too. You're my best friend, Andrew.
507
00:21:49,016 --> 00:21:50,976
Come on in. Leah made us a Dorito cake.
508
00:21:51,060 --> 00:21:52,394
Hey, Andrew.
509
00:21:52,478 --> 00:21:55,981
I've decided it's cool that
you're a disgusting pervert.
510
00:21:56,065 --> 00:21:57,691
Oh, that's a huge relief,
511
00:21:57,775 --> 00:21:59,985
'cause I just found out I
have a pervert's disease.
512
00:22:00,069 --> 00:22:01,429
- Blue Waffle?
- Yeah, you know it.
513
00:22:01,487 --> 00:22:04,156
That's fine. Just relax.
Duke's hanging out, too.
514
00:22:04,907 --> 00:22:06,242
- Get out.
- What?
515
00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:07,326
Get out!
516
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:12,039
What happened?
517
00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:15,000
Oh my God! Nick! Leah! Someone! Help!
518
00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:17,044
We are helping best friend.
519
00:22:17,127 --> 00:22:19,171
Yeah, before you infect anyone else,
520
00:22:19,255 --> 00:22:22,341
we're gonna chop your rotten dick off.
521
00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:24,927
That's what I was hoping
you weren't gonna do!
522
00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:27,221
Don't worry. I'll do it nice and slow.
523
00:22:30,724 --> 00:22:34,019
What's the matter, Judd?
Feeling a little blue?
524
00:22:34,100 --> 00:22:35,899
Andrew, I was cool. Did you hear that?
525
00:22:35,900 --> 00:22:37,313
Yes, it was funny. Come on, keep moving.
526
00:22:37,314 --> 00:22:40,985
- Andrew, your STD is killing everyone!
- Argh!
527
00:22:41,068 --> 00:22:42,570
Eat a dick, Nick!
528
00:22:44,488 --> 00:22:46,490
Suck on my diarrhea, Leah!
529
00:22:47,658 --> 00:22:49,034
Like, gross!
530
00:22:49,118 --> 00:22:51,996
Maury, I owe you my life. How
did you do that, by the way?
531
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:53,600
How did you spray that much diarrhea?
532
00:22:53,610 --> 00:22:54,610
Maury!
533
00:22:58,544 --> 00:23:00,087
Whoa! What the...
534
00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:02,798
"Planned Parenthood?"
535
00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:05,968
Yeah, are you crazy? That
place is just for girls.
536
00:23:07,177 --> 00:23:09,722
Everyone, listen! I have Blue Waffle.
537
00:23:09,805 --> 00:23:11,140
Can you please help me?
538
00:23:11,223 --> 00:23:13,017
Honey, I'm sorry. I can't.
539
00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:14,643
Is it because I didn't sign in?
540
00:23:14,727 --> 00:23:18,063
No, it's because Blue
Waffle is not real.
541
00:23:18,147 --> 00:23:20,900
- Wait, what?
- Then what's going on with my body?
542
00:23:20,983 --> 00:23:24,570
Is the violent diarrhea because I
brush my teeth with raw chicken?
543
00:23:24,653 --> 00:23:27,239
Blue Waffle is an urban legend.
544
00:23:27,323 --> 00:23:28,490
It's a complete hoax.
545
00:23:28,574 --> 00:23:29,992
Oh, thank God.
546
00:23:30,117 --> 00:23:31,785
STDs are fake.
547
00:23:31,869 --> 00:23:34,997
Well, no. STDs are real,
but they are treatable.
548
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:36,679
And I wish people would come in
549
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,770
and get tested before
they start googling
550
00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:40,085
and driving themselves crazy.
551
00:23:40,169 --> 00:23:44,089
Food for thought, but one more time:
Blue Waffle is not real, right?
552
00:23:44,173 --> 00:23:46,425
One more time, it is not real.
553
00:23:46,508 --> 00:23:47,676
- But, Andrew?
- What?
554
00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:50,012
Slender Man is.
555
00:23:53,641 --> 00:23:55,476
Andrew, that was upsetting.
556
00:23:55,550 --> 00:23:57,759
Yeah, especially the
whole nightmare scenario
557
00:23:57,760 --> 00:23:59,228
of you making out with Lola.
558
00:23:59,229 --> 00:24:01,023
Yeah, that's crazy.
559
00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:03,317
That's, you know, magical realism.
560
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,527
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop the clock!
561
00:24:05,611 --> 00:24:08,130
I think I understand
Planned Parenthood now.
562
00:24:08,140 --> 00:24:09,140
Really? You do?
563
00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:12,660
Yeah! They do medicine for
your bathing suit parts.
564
00:24:12,743 --> 00:24:14,286
Yeah, basically.
565
00:24:14,370 --> 00:24:17,039
Steve, you actually learned something.
566
00:24:17,122 --> 00:24:18,958
I did? I did.
567
00:24:19,041 --> 00:24:23,170
Oh, thank you, everybody. And
thank you all for watching.
568
00:24:23,253 --> 00:24:25,172
What an incredible week!
569
00:24:25,255 --> 00:24:29,635
You know, it's always been a dream
of mine to host whatever this is.
570
00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:32,721
I want to thank Deee-Lite for
"Groove is in the Heart,"
571
00:24:32,805 --> 00:24:35,808
Bootsy Collins, Nathan
Fillion, you're a real sport.
572
00:24:35,891 --> 00:24:37,309
- I love you!
- The whole cast.
573
00:24:37,393 --> 00:24:41,313
The cue card guy for drawing
my dialogue in pictures.
574
00:24:41,438 --> 00:24:44,566
Lorne, the pull out method, Slender Man.
575
00:24:44,630 --> 00:24:45,640
I love you, dude.
576
00:24:45,651 --> 00:24:48,404
I can't forget the Liberal
League for their awesome agenda.
577
00:24:48,487 --> 00:24:49,487
You guys rocked it.
578
00:24:49,530 --> 00:24:52,324
You convinced us to do an
episode on Planned Parenthood,
579
00:24:52,408 --> 00:24:56,203
even though so many people are gonna
be furious at us for doing it.
580
00:24:56,286 --> 00:25:00,874
And don't forget, Blue
Waffle is absolutely real!
581
00:25:00,958 --> 00:25:03,293
- No, it's not!
- I love you! Goodnight!
582
00:25:03,377 --> 00:25:05,629
Stick around for Showtime at the Apollo
583
00:25:05,713 --> 00:25:10,092
or a Cindy Crawford melon
skin cream infomercial.
584
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:17,880
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
585
00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:53,302
SDH Created by: Arvind Vishwakarma