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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
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BRIDGETON MIDDLE SCHOOL
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Whether they know it or not,
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people need shame.
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It protects them from the
sickening filth infesters within
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their humiliating inadequacies,
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self-destructive proclivities,
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stupid magic tricks,
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their fundamental otherness.
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And of course, the
uncontrollable urge to squirm,
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on a glowed worm.
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For you say,
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shame is the cone you place around
the head of your dim-witted dog
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to protect him from naughting
at his own genitals,
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because they will become infected.
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But I wanna naught so bad!
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Uh, uh, uh!
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- Oh.
- There we are.
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Oh, thank you.
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You're such a good master.
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- Bad boy!
- Hit me.
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What about my toochie?
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- Stop enjoying this!
- But I love it.
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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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Oh, Wiggles, won't you please wake up?
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It's no use, Missy.
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You suffocated it with
your greedy moans.
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- Hey, it's the floating grandpa!
- For the last time, you imbecile.
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I'm the Shame Wizard. Uh!
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- What are you doing?
- Oh, there's the problem.
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Oh, good Lord!
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LeBron James!
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Oh, man.
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I was going to ask you why your
hands were down your pants
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in front of all the children, but
now that seems besides the point.
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Pardon my French, but my pubbies
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were pulling my balls
into my butthole, so...
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Oh, you got one on your cheek.
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- Don't... touch me.
- Make a wish.
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Oh, then my wish didn't come true.
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- Your wish was to touch me?
- Yeah, you're my best friend!
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- But we've never met.
- Okay.
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- Hi, I'm Steve. I'm your best friend.
- Wait, I'm sorry...
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- Isn't Jay your best friend?
- Oh, yeah.
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Jay's my best friend and
Miss B's my best friend
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- and the Shame Lizard's my best friend.
- Wait.
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Do you think my name is Shane Lizard?
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Yeah, cool name.
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I drew a picture of all
of us in the bedroom.
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You want to go see it, The Shane Lizard?
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I do want to see this picture.
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All right! Best friends.
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- Hey, Gina.
- What do you want?
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I wanted to apologize. I
shouldn't have told anyone
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- about what we did.
- Okay.
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Even though, you know, Jessi
is the one who spread around
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- and it's ultimately her fault.
- Nailed it!
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- So, are we good now?
- No, we are not good.
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But I apologized, isn't
that what you wanted?
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No, I wanted you to
not tell your friends
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that you've squeezed my
boob in the first place.
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Unfortunately, Gina. I think
that ship has already sailed.
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- Good point!
- Look, we had a fight,
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- and I screwed up.
- Keep explaining.
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And then I said I was sorry,
so now we're making up
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and maybe it's time for a
little make up make out.
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Yeah!
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And then.
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And then.
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- You know what you are?
- What?
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You're a little fucking prick.
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You're a little big boob bitch.
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- Get the fuck away from me.
- Wait, I'm sorry.
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- I thought we were just flirting.
- No! Argh!
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Can't believe I made out
with you in the first place,
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- but it won't happen again, so...
- But like...
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- Please leave my sleeping area.
- Never say never?
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Now!
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- Furious.
- Yeah, I see, Caleb.
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- What are you looking at?
- Nothing.
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Ah, I feel bad about Gina.
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Why? She sucks. Everybody sucks.
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- Yeah, I gotta get out of here.
- Ooh!
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We going on a walkabout? Let's
hope there's no crocs out there!
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I really don't think there are
any crocodiles in the hallway.
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No, I mean crocs!
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Them dumb plastic shoes with
all those holes up in 'em.
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I don't wanna smell your
stinky ass kid feet.
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Well, it's been a good ride, Wiggles.
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From my baby crib to that
socialist Sleepaway Camp.
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I'm really gonna miss you, comrade.
Really going to miss you.
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Missy?
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Oh, Andrew! What are you doing here?
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I just... I saw you coming out
here and you looked so sad.
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- Are you okay?
- I can't even face you.
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It's just too much.
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- I'm the biggest perv in the world.
- What? That's impossible.
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You can't be the biggest
perv in the world.
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- Why not?
- Because,
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- you're looking at him. Me!
- What?
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I am him. I am me.
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Me is the biggest perv ever.
This guy, this two thumbs.
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I think I understand what you're
trying to do here, Andrew,
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and it's very generous,
but I'm a horny spaz
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and everyone knows it. What
could be worse than that?
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She's a horny spaz. You
should jazz on her.
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- Jazz?
- Jizz on her spaz. Jazz.
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- The one true American art form.
- Jesus Christ.
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Missy, I can't believe I'm
gonna tell you this but,
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when we danced together
at the fall dance...
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- A Night in Ancient Mesopotamia?
- Well,
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when we were dancing, I
kind of came in my pants.
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Yikes!
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- Oh God, I shouldn't have told you.
- No, Andrew.
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It was so brave of you to share with me
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and you know what, it actually
does make me feel better.
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She's into it! Thrust her.
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I feel better too, telling you
that and you not being grossed out
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or kicking me in the shins or
something, makes me feel less alone.
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I just can't believe I drove you
to climax, that's so adult!
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I love it when she talks dork dirty.
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If I were to speak from the heart,
it was the most I ever made.
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All right. Well, thank you.
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And I'm just gonna head back
to the scene of the crime.
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Oh, well, Inspector Clouseau.
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The most you ever made? Please.
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Just for the runoff you blam-o
on my condo floors are warped.
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And now my credit score is warped too,
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'cause the condo's in my name!
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Jay.
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Matthew. Nice pajamas.
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Nice jean shorts.
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Ha! Joke's on you, idiot.
These are my underwear.
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Oh. Jean shorts as underwear,
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and he didn't wash his hands.
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Oh, and he didn't flush, and he's
reading a magazine called...
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Jean Shorts Weekly? Oh, an
interview with Andre Agassi.
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Yes, please.
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- Like, hi.
- I have nothing to say to you.
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- But, we're like a seam.
- No, we're not.
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Oh my God, are you joking me right now?
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We both have the best boobs in the
grade, it's so obvious, right?
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And we were both like,
wronged by Nick and Andrew.
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I guess we did both kind of get used.
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We're like total victim
sisters in actuality.
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Oh, I don't like to see
myself as a victim.
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Okay, so we'll just be sisters.
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If mom dies, I get her
Bon Jovi earrings.
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All right, I see.
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- So that one must be Jay.
- Ah-ha.
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And why does Miss B have X's for eyes?
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She's asleep, 'cause I walloped
her in the head with a telescope.
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- That was a wiffle ball bat.
- All right.
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And I understand why I'm a lizard.
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But why are you drawn so big?
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'Cause that's how I feel when
I'm with all my best friends.
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None of these people are your friends.
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- How come they're in the photo?
- Because you drew them!
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- Because they're my best friends.
- You know,
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I'm positive there's a
treasure trove of shame
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somewhere deep inside you,
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if I could just drill down through
all the layers of stupidity.
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No drills! When I go to the dentist,
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I have to be completely knocked out.
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'Cause I've been known to bite fingies.
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I'm shocked that you've
been to the dentist.
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Uh, technically it's a groomer
in the back of a Petco.
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You truly are an enigma.
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You shouldn't say that word anymore.
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This things totally blows.
Gina broke up with me.
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I'm not sure you two were
really dating per se...
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- Thanks for clarifying that.
- Go ahead.
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The point is, we're in a gym with girls,
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and they're wearing pajamas,
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and underneath their
pajamas is their bodies,
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and we're wasting this opportunity.
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I don't know, maybe we
should just sit here
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and not chew on our genitals.
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Who's suggesting that we
chew on our genitals?
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- Nobody.
- What are you wearing, man?
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- You look like a lamp.
- It's a special necklace
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- to help me be a good boy.
- Argh!
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I just wanna hook up with a girl.
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Whoa! You can't just
hook up with a girl.
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First, you gotta be nervous
for like a year and then...
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We should be playing one
of those games, you know,
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where kids trick each
other into hooking up...
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Like Spin the Bottle.
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Or Shoots and Splatters.
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What about Truth or Dare?
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I just shared something
really embarrassing
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with Missy and it felt great.
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I don't wanna play this game.
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What if someone dares me to like
get naked or streak or something?
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00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:24,004
'Cause you have a sexy little
dicky and it's just for you.
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00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:28,008
- How about Smooch or Share?
- What the hell is Smooch or Share?
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A fantastic game I just made up.
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00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:33,396
The rules of Smooch or
Share are very simple.
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When it's your turn, you
choose Smooch or Share
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and then you spin the bottle.
201
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,854
Nick, did you just invent
this game to kiss girls?
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00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:44,899
Yeah, I have to assume that's why
you invited the Jansen twins.
203
00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:47,027
Would anybody like a
piece of salty licorice?
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Look, guys, I invited the Jansen twins
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because they're new to the school,
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and yeah, they come from a more
sexually progressive culture.
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In the Netherlands, we play
this game, but with Gouda.
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- So you spin a wheel of cheese?
- How do you know who it lands on?
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Well, we don't, so everybody gets a kiss
210
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and a slice of cheese, and this
is what we call Kindergarten.
211
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:06,212
Okay. Now I'm interested.
212
00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:09,132
Look, guys. This game is
about getting crazy, y'all.
213
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Crazy, y'all. Yes, yes, y'all.
I should have jumped on that.
214
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- I'll play if Andrew's playing.
- Oh, enchanté.
215
00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:15,197
- I'm in.
- I'm open to it.
216
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:16,473
Yeah, let's do this.
217
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:19,726
Okay, folks. It's time
to Smooch or Share,
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or Shake Your Booty.
219
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- What's this third option?
- Nothing.
220
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I choose smooch. Gouda, gouda!
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- Gouda, gouda!
- Yes, no!
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No. no! Me, me! Yes, yes.
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No! Not Missy!
224
00:09:33,570 --> 00:09:35,519
We wanted one of those Chinese girls.
225
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:37,034
You think those girls are Chinese?
226
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Oh God, I'm sorry, are they Korean?
227
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Oh, Missy.
228
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- Is that okay?
- Well, I...
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Don't look at him, it's the rules!
230
00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:47,087
And if you don't do it, we get
to burn you with teacher coffee.
231
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,130
Uh... Well, it is the rules.
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- Okay.
- I consent.
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Muah!
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- Wonderful, that was very appropriate.
- You are a gentleman, sir.
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I choose share.
236
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Hey, guys, I just want to
say I'm having a blast
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and I also wanna make a mental note
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to recycle this bottle
once we're finished.
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When this sharpie dries out,
240
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:08,566
we should flush a bunch of
golf balls down the toilet.
241
00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:10,276
No.
242
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,822
- What's that picture?
- I was the captain of the debate team.
243
00:10:13,905 --> 00:10:15,505
What you doing with your face?
244
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,784
- I'm smiling.
- Oh, yeah.
245
00:10:17,860 --> 00:10:18,879
I miss that.
246
00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:20,880
I smiled a lot more
before you showed up.
247
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,456
Oh! Well, I'm so sorry.
248
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:26,251
I guess you don't want the
present I got for you now.
249
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:29,030
- What is it?
- It's a bucket of used golf balls, duh.
250
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:30,040
Argh!
251
00:10:30,060 --> 00:10:32,710
Honestly, when Nick and I
hooked up, it was fun.
252
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:35,844
But then it just made me
feel like, so shitty.
253
00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:39,180
Touching boobs and rubbing fronts
doesn't make you feel all shitty.
254
00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:41,141
Mean jerks make you feel shitty,
255
00:10:41,224 --> 00:10:43,309
if there weren't any mean
jerks, it'd be fine.
256
00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:45,687
You know what? That's
kind of a good point.
257
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:49,482
We should just like feed all the
mean jerks into a wood chipper
258
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:52,569
and then spread their body
chunks all over the playground
259
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,571
so kids don't get hurt because like,
260
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:57,615
ultimately we're like
very good samaritans.
261
00:10:57,699 --> 00:11:00,118
Let's just cut off right
before that last part.
262
00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:03,037
Yeah, we'll just put them in
a wood chipper, guys suck.
263
00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:04,330
But what about girls, though?
264
00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:06,958
Devin looked me dead in the
eye and called me a slut.
265
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:11,629
She let you look her in the eyes?
Oh, my God! Lucky Lola.
266
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,840
Oh, Lola. Devin is so mean to you.
267
00:11:13,870 --> 00:11:14,870
No!
268
00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:17,468
- Why are you even friends with her?
- 'Cause like, she said,
269
00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:19,512
like, she's like a beautiful speedboat
270
00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:22,849
and I'm like a lumpy barnacle
that's stuck on her hull.
271
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:25,268
Oh, Lola. You don't have
to be Devin's Barnacle.
272
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:29,272
Oh, my God. Are you proposing that
I become like, your barnacle?
273
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:32,984
- Oh, not exactly...
- 'Cause I'll like ruin your paint job,
274
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,944
- but like, ultimately...
- Oh, we're hugging.
275
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:38,114
... become very good company to you.
276
00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:43,077
Well, Jay, I suppose if I had to
let any magician butt fudge me,
277
00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:46,664
I guess it would be Teller, because
he's small and he seems gentle.
278
00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:51,294
Wrong answer! It's Chris Angel
because his name sounds like anal.
279
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:53,796
Now, here's how it's done. Smooch.
280
00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:55,882
Come on.
281
00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:57,550
Yes, yes, yes.
282
00:11:57,634 --> 00:11:58,635
No, no, no, no!
283
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,970
- And there it is.
- Shit.
284
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,889
- You gotta kiss him.
- Argh!
285
00:12:02,970 --> 00:12:04,219
But it's the rules.
286
00:12:04,220 --> 00:12:06,016
Singe his skin with the teacher coffee.
287
00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,894
I know how to play
Smooch or Share, okay?
288
00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:09,562
But Matthew isn't even playing!
289
00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:11,648
No, I'll play, but there's no way
290
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:14,067
Jay wants to seem gay by kissing a boy.
291
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,799
No, if I didn't want to kiss you
292
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,194
it'd be because you'd hurt my feelings.
293
00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:18,363
Umm. That's even gayer.
294
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:20,448
Fuck! Fine, I'll do it.
295
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:21,532
And when I win this game,
296
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:24,702
you guys are going to smooch
and share my asshole.
297
00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:29,040
This kid is a goddamn prodigy. I
think he's his own Hormone Monster.
298
00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:34,295
- Well, then.
- In your face, Matthew.
299
00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:35,922
Whoa! Ah-ha!
300
00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:39,259
Jay, Jay. Jay! Am I right?
Here we go. Jay, Jay...
301
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:43,596
I really should be getting
back to those children,
302
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,765
but I can't leave until
I'm finished with you.
303
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:48,434
- Why?
- Well, once I begin a task
304
00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:51,396
I feel I must complete
it before I can move on.
305
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:54,440
- Why?
- It's just this need inside of me.
306
00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:56,567
I crave order, you see.
307
00:12:56,651 --> 00:13:00,029
I suppose that's why mommy
called me Mr. Bookshelf.
308
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,115
- Why?
- I don't know why!
309
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:03,919
She was the one who told me to organize
310
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,680
the books and I organized them.
311
00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:09,330
And then she made me feel
strange about how I organized.
312
00:13:09,414 --> 00:13:10,832
- Who?
- Mommy!
313
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:13,918
- Oh, you mean Mrs. Bookshelf.
- No, I mean...
314
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:16,713
Well, yeah, I suppose so.
Though truth be told,
315
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,339
she never married my father.
316
00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:19,841
- What was he like?
- Father...
317
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:24,304
He was a tune whistled
by a Cape Town whore.
318
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:26,723
Oh, yeah. Cape Town,
over by the airport.
319
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:30,435
- No, South Africa!
- Oh, South Africa...
320
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,040
over by the airport.
321
00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:34,814
All right!
322
00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:36,899
- Danke.
- Kissing with you is like
323
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,067
for me to kiss my uncle.
324
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:41,279
These girls are hot, but they smell
like herring and dark bread.
325
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:44,532
Okay, I guess it's my
turn and I pick share.
326
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,326
What? You got to kiss somebody else
327
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:48,369
to get the dark bread
taste out of your mouth.
328
00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:51,622
- No, let's keep sharing, it feels good.
- A good call in the share.
329
00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:55,168
Ooh! Ask him what's the naughtiest
ickiest thing he's ever done.
330
00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:57,837
All right, buddy. What's the
grossest thing you've ever done?
331
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,339
Oh, wow.
332
00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:02,717
Uh... That's like asking a Beatle
his favorite Beatles song.
333
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:03,926
Uh, there's so many.
334
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:05,553
- Okay, this one's good.
- Okay.
335
00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:06,655
- You'll like this.
- Waiting.
336
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,907
- It's gross, but it's good.
- Great, that's the question.
337
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,391
- At your pool house...
- Sure.
338
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:13,061
Your parents are making
lunch, I go to the bathroom,
339
00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:16,981
I see Leah's bathing suit
there, right, so I get hard
340
00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:18,625
- and I start masturbating to it.
- What?
341
00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:21,069
And then Leah... Leah walks in on me.
342
00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:22,987
Bah, bah, bah!
343
00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:25,114
So you jerked off to my sister?
344
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,879
Well, to her bathing suit, but yes,
345
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:28,617
I guess it was... she had been in it.
346
00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:29,619
So I was imagining her.
347
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:33,331
Ew! We don't want to think of
Leah that way, Andrew's bad.
348
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:35,958
- The hell, Andrew?
- She's hot. What are we supposed to do?
349
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:37,482
But you can take it as a compliment.
350
00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:39,730
- What's the compliment?
- You do have the same bone structure.
351
00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:41,339
So it's like you're jerking off to me?
352
00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:43,800
This dirty turtle jerked
off in your house!
353
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:46,363
- I bet he does it all the time!
- What the fuck are you doing?
354
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:48,096
Have you masturbated in my house before?
355
00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:51,849
No, never! When you're in the
room... unless you're sleeping.
356
00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:54,769
Whoa! You jerk off next
to him while he's asleep?
357
00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:56,312
He really is like Uncle Bram.
358
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,940
I wasn't thinking about you, okay? Jerk.
359
00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:01,109
- I was looking at your cat clock.
- My cat clock?
360
00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:03,403
- My grandmother gave me that clock.
- I know.
361
00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:06,322
- Oh, that also turned you on?
- Looking at this in realistic way,
362
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:07,846
all my thinking was pretty abstract.
363
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:09,799
You're like a compulsive masturbator.
364
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,400
I hate Andrew, I hate his spermy dick.
365
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,747
- He's jealous 'cause he can't jack it.
- Oh, yeah?
366
00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:16,819
Well, Nick, you're just jealous 'cause
367
00:15:16,820 --> 00:15:18,667
you couldn't jerk off if I paid you to.
368
00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:20,850
He wants to pay the boy to masturbate.
369
00:15:20,860 --> 00:15:21,860
Uncle Bram.
370
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,634
You're a gigantic jizz creep.
371
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:28,511
Well, you're a dickless little dwarf.
372
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:29,637
Guys, stop it.
373
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,598
- I hate you!
- That's convenient, 'cause I hate you too!
374
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:34,641
I'm outta here.
375
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:37,061
What kind of hormone
monster are you, man?
376
00:15:37,140 --> 00:15:39,139
Making your kid feel
bad for jacking off?
377
00:15:39,140 --> 00:15:41,200
That's against the Jizzocratic Oath.
378
00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:43,651
Which you signed in blood and semen.
379
00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:46,487
I remember, it looked like a
cream cheese and jelly sandwich,
380
00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:49,699
and I ate the whole thing.
Yum, yum, yummy.
381
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,701
Great, thanks a lot, now I'm starving.
382
00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:54,120
Where is it? I know it's here.
383
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:55,746
There! See?
384
00:15:55,830 --> 00:15:59,083
That's who I used to be. A person
interested in social justice,
385
00:15:59,167 --> 00:16:02,128
the kind of female warrior
who empowered other women.
386
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:03,504
Wait, where are you going?
387
00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:05,089
To be that person again.
388
00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:07,884
That's too vague. Hold up.
You know what?
389
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,719
What I'm gonna do is just follow you.
390
00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:12,638
Oh, shit. My golf balls!
391
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:13,972
Dammit!
392
00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:15,641
Oh, yeah, I jerked off to your sister.
393
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,000
God, I thought people were
gonna laugh and applaud.
394
00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:19,179
What's wrong with me?
395
00:16:19,180 --> 00:16:20,859
Nick and I are never going
to be friends again.
396
00:16:20,860 --> 00:16:22,100
You know what I think?
397
00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:23,316
- Jay.
- What?
398
00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:25,526
I like Jay, he has pubes.
399
00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:27,487
He seems to have sex with everything
400
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,822
and he's got a subscription
to Jean Shorts Weekly.
401
00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:32,074
- Wait, what?
- Jay is your new best friend.
402
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:35,170
The fuck? No, no. Nick's my best friend.
403
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:36,799
He called you a gigantic jizz creep.
404
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:38,400
Well, maybe he's right, maybe I am.
405
00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:40,430
- I mean, look at me.
- Hey, man, you look great.
406
00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:42,084
Women are into soggy guys.
407
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:44,879
Says so right here in Soggy Guy Monthly.
408
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:48,758
- God, that magazine is really...
- Soggy. Yeah, comes in a wet bag.
409
00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:52,094
Andrew's right, I'm a dickless dwarf.
410
00:16:52,100 --> 00:16:53,799
And I only said those
terrible things to him
411
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,388
because I feel bad about myself.
412
00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:56,933
- But that's good!
- Excuse me?
413
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,434
You're supposed to feel that way.
414
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,394
- That's what the ghost says.
- The ghost?
415
00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:02,278
The floating guy with the
Harry Potter accent.
416
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,690
Hold on, are you talking
about the Shame Wizard?
417
00:17:04,774 --> 00:17:09,278
Oopsie doopsie. I wasn't
supposed to say anything.
418
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:12,281
No, no, no. This isn't cute or funny.
What did he say to you?
419
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:13,574
Ga, ga, gu, gu...
420
00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:16,327
Stop it! Have you been working
for the Shame Wizard?
421
00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:19,205
Ah! I'm in cahoots. Didn't you
want me to be in cahoots?
422
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:22,750
No! No cahoots. The Shame Wizard
sucks, he makes you feel shitty.
423
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:26,212
You need to feel shitty, or else
you'll do things you'll regret.
424
00:17:26,290 --> 00:17:28,900
The only thing I regret is
being mean to my best friend!
425
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,439
What about messing things up with Gina?
426
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:32,425
Yeah, and that's your fault too.
427
00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:35,054
And what about when I made
you call your dad a pussy?
428
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:38,349
Yeah, all those things, you're
a shitty Hormone Monster.
429
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:39,642
Wait, Nick!
430
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:42,144
I'm not done listing all my failures.
431
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,981
Hey Gina, I just wanted to say I am...
432
00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:46,941
Gina, like, doesn't wanna talk to you.
433
00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:50,945
Yeah, look, I totally understand
why you're upset with me.
434
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:53,281
It was never my intention
to slut shame you,
435
00:17:53,364 --> 00:17:56,617
but that's not who I am
and I'm really sorry.
436
00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:59,140
Wow, you and Nick are a real pair.
437
00:17:59,150 --> 00:18:00,150
What do you mean?
438
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:01,559
Your whole friend group.
You can't just do
439
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,540
something awful and
then say you're sorry,
440
00:18:03,541 --> 00:18:06,502
and then just expect
like, make up make outs.
441
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:09,380
- What?
- If Gina's gonna make out with anybody
442
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:10,590
it's going to be me.
443
00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:13,676
So say goodbye to these,
and while you're at it,
444
00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:15,094
say goodbye to these.
445
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:18,848
They're real and they're
basically two different colors.
446
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:22,476
- Wait, why?
- I sleep on my side in the tanning bed.
447
00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:25,313
Jessi, I put some golf
balls in this pillowcase.
448
00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:29,317
We're going to turn Lola's
organs into cottage cheese.
449
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,319
Okay, let's all calm down.
450
00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:33,738
I'm just trying to keep
sisterhood alive, you guys.
451
00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:37,742
- Sisterhood? Are you kidding?
- Yeah, you're basically Bill Cosby.
452
00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:41,203
You tell all of us young black
men to pull up our pants
453
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:43,497
and then you like, rape everybody.
454
00:18:43,581 --> 00:18:45,958
- No, wait...
- You like, snooze everyone down,
455
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,460
and then you like, go to town.
456
00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:49,879
I think Lola is saying that
you're a total hypocrite.
457
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,505
Let's fuck them both up!
458
00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:55,676
No, stop it, they're right.
Even Lola's right.
459
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,386
I am Bill Cosby.
460
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,472
Oh!
461
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,308
Goddamn golf balls.
462
00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:05,311
Then everybody at work said
they weren't doing anything.
463
00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:07,063
- Okay.
- But it was clear they were all
464
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,231
- going bowling together.
- Wow.
465
00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:11,776
- And how did that make you feel?
- Abandoned.
466
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:12,860
- Abandan?
- Sorry?
467
00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:13,943
Abandan?
468
00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:15,988
Are you trying to say "abandoned"?
469
00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:17,281
- Abandan.
- Yes.
470
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:18,741
- Abandan.
- Yes!
471
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:21,452
Just like how my father "abandan" me.
472
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:22,870
Adandan.
473
00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:24,580
There, I got it, now I got it.
474
00:19:25,915 --> 00:19:26,999
- Hey.
- Hey.
475
00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:29,669
Um... I just wanted to let you know that
476
00:19:29,752 --> 00:19:31,962
- you're my best friend.
- You're my best friend too.
477
00:19:32,046 --> 00:19:34,006
Now I don't have to be
best friends with Jay.
478
00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:35,800
- Wait, what?
- But Nick, why did we say
479
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:37,339
all these terrible things to each other?
480
00:19:37,340 --> 00:19:39,060
I don't know. I'm sorry.
481
00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:40,888
Tyler is driving me crazy.
482
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:44,266
No Maury was the driving force
behind the holy a-jerk-off debacle,
483
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:46,270
I don't even know if I
like doing it standing up.
484
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:47,853
- Please, no details.
- My butt cramps.
485
00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:50,290
- That sounds hard.
- There's a hard ball in the arch of my...
486
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:51,649
Just, please, okay?
487
00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:55,236
Tyler is in cahoots with this
floating demon with a scar.
488
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:56,696
Wait a second. The Shame Wizard?
489
00:19:56,779 --> 00:19:58,322
You know about the Shame Wizard too?
490
00:19:58,406 --> 00:20:00,157
I thought only I could see him!
491
00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:01,992
I thought only I could see him!
492
00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:04,620
We thought we were the
only ones who saw him,
493
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:07,456
but in the Netherlands we
call him Father Shame.
494
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,917
- Oh, he's the worst.
- Shame Wizard? I've seen him.
495
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,001
I saw him too!
496
00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:12,110
What was that?
497
00:20:12,128 --> 00:20:16,090
Oh, when you were talking, I
spiked a can of soda on the floor.
498
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:19,510
No, you imbecile! The children!
499
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:21,846
I'm right behind you, best friend.
500
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,975
There's tiny Epcot
Center's on the ground.
501
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:28,519
What are they doing here? Bye, Roo!
502
00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:31,491
- He comes out of the shadows.
- Yeah, he has like a British accent.
503
00:20:31,522 --> 00:20:34,650
And his face is burned and
he has fingernail knives.
504
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:38,320
I think that might be Freddy
Krueger, Caleb, but, the rest of us
505
00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,531
we're all definitely
seeing the same guy.
506
00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:42,783
He told me I was a horny spaz.
507
00:20:42,860 --> 00:20:44,699
He told me I should feel bad about
508
00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:47,480
my mom still wiping
me, like yeah, right.
509
00:20:47,530 --> 00:20:50,019
He told me I was a slut, in fact,
510
00:20:50,020 --> 00:20:52,140
all of you told me that I was a slut.
511
00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:53,919
So he was right about
at least one thing.
512
00:20:54,003 --> 00:20:55,755
Oh, hi, you want me to
kick your ass again?
513
00:20:58,132 --> 00:21:01,093
I hate you. Dick in the wall.
514
00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:02,386
You're a slut.
515
00:21:02,470 --> 00:21:03,700
Nickie dickboy.
516
00:21:03,710 --> 00:21:04,870
Filthy perv.
517
00:21:04,889 --> 00:21:07,808
- He's back, oh, God!
- You're geriatric.
518
00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:09,059
Horny spaz.
519
00:21:09,143 --> 00:21:10,490
Your mother wipes you.
520
00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:11,500
Oh, no!
521
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,355
Oh, fuck! No!
522
00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:14,565
Brighton!
523
00:21:15,060 --> 00:21:16,539
Don't listen to him, he's just trying
524
00:21:16,540 --> 00:21:18,359
to make us feel alone and terrible.
525
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:22,198
That's because you are
alone and terrible.
526
00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:24,325
I'm telling you the truth.
527
00:21:24,408 --> 00:21:27,745
Unlike this perverted masturbator.
528
00:21:27,828 --> 00:21:28,828
Oh, big wow.
529
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:30,939
I already told them
about the masturbating
530
00:21:30,940 --> 00:21:32,499
and it was liberating, sir.
531
00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:34,627
So, why don't you just leave us alone?
532
00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:37,546
You truly believe you'd
be better off without me?
533
00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:40,800
We know we'd be better off without you.
534
00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:44,512
And now, as my mom says when I'm not
getting in the car fast enough,
535
00:21:44,595 --> 00:21:46,722
"Vamos your caboose, mister."
536
00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:47,890
- Yeah!
- You suck!
537
00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:49,892
Freeze your piss like a
popsicle and eat it!
538
00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:52,311
Yeah! If someone wants to
chew on their genitals
539
00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:55,105
they should be allowed to
make their own mistakes!
540
00:21:55,189 --> 00:21:57,274
See that? Nobody wants you around.
541
00:21:57,358 --> 00:22:02,530
You... You're just a room full of
daddies trying to "adandan" me.
542
00:22:02,613 --> 00:22:05,366
Well, you can't, because
I "abandan" you.
543
00:22:05,449 --> 00:22:08,828
- What?
- I "abandan" you!
544
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,163
Um...
545
00:22:11,288 --> 00:22:13,290
- Did he just actually leave?
- I think he did.
546
00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:16,418
That means we're free, we
can do whatever we want.
547
00:22:16,502 --> 00:22:20,714
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to a world without shame, baby.
548
00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:25,261
Wiggles, you're back!
549
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:27,346
I missed you so much.
550
00:22:27,429 --> 00:22:29,431
Let's dance, Missy.
551
00:22:29,515 --> 00:22:30,975
- No.
- Oh.
552
00:22:31,058 --> 00:22:32,726
Let's masturbate!
553
00:22:35,229 --> 00:22:36,272
Make it faint, girl.
554
00:22:39,650 --> 00:22:41,151
I'd let you wipe me.
555
00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:44,572
Now people know.
556
00:22:46,282 --> 00:22:48,742
Okay, so under here is
coach Steve's office.
557
00:22:48,826 --> 00:22:50,578
Now, this is a great place to jerk off
558
00:22:50,661 --> 00:22:53,038
when coach Steve gets himself
stuck in the volleyball net.
559
00:22:53,122 --> 00:22:55,207
Well, well, well, what
are we up to here, bud?
560
00:22:55,291 --> 00:22:57,585
Hey, just giving a tour of
all the places in the school
561
00:22:57,668 --> 00:22:59,128
where I've totally whacked it.
562
00:22:59,211 --> 00:23:01,755
- You?
- I'm showing up my sweet, little Dicky.
563
00:23:01,839 --> 00:23:05,134
Hi, everybody! I'm Nick's pubic hair.
Y'all have a lovely school.
564
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:08,637
Nick, you have a small penis, but
your confidence is so appealing.
565
00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:11,640
Thank you, one of the Jansen
Twins, and don't worry, ladies,
566
00:23:11,724 --> 00:23:14,435
someday it'll be totally average.
567
00:23:14,518 --> 00:23:15,978
No shame!
568
00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:18,355
You know, back in the Teachers Lounge,
569
00:23:18,439 --> 00:23:20,065
that was actually my first kiss.
570
00:23:20,149 --> 00:23:22,443
It was my first guy-kiss.
571
00:23:22,526 --> 00:23:24,904
- What did you think?
- Hey, man, a mouth's a mouth.
572
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,699
Stop quoting your dad's law commercials.
573
00:23:26,700 --> 00:23:28,320
Why don't you make me?
574
00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:31,911
Oh, it tickles.
575
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,958
You know what, Devin? I liked
getting my boobs felt,
576
00:23:38,042 --> 00:23:41,295
and if that makes me a slut,
well, then that's your problem.
577
00:23:41,378 --> 00:23:45,007
Lola, quit humping your new
boyfriend and kick her ass for me.
578
00:23:45,090 --> 00:23:49,261
Devin! You like, full on broke my heart.
579
00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:52,681
Bacio della morte, you fucking bitch.
580
00:23:53,810 --> 00:23:54,860
- Lola.
- Unfriend.
581
00:23:54,870 --> 00:23:56,060
- What...
- Unfollow.
582
00:23:56,070 --> 00:23:57,120
- Do you think...
- Blocked.
583
00:23:57,144 --> 00:23:58,604
- You're doing?
- Unsubscribe.
584
00:23:58,687 --> 00:23:59,855
From my makeup tutorials?
585
00:23:59,939 --> 00:24:01,941
I hate how you say "Hey, guys!"
586
00:24:02,020 --> 00:24:03,319
when you know I'm the only one
587
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:04,984
watching your stupid makeup tutorials.
588
00:24:04,985 --> 00:24:07,655
- Oh my God!
- You should just say, "Hey, Lola".
589
00:24:07,738 --> 00:24:09,823
And cat eyes are so over.
590
00:24:09,907 --> 00:24:12,409
You don't know what
you're saying right now.
591
00:24:12,493 --> 00:24:15,371
Do you even read Teen Vogue?
It's political now.
592
00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:16,664
Oh, God!
593
00:24:16,747 --> 00:24:19,833
His dimpled eggs are really tricky.
594
00:24:25,005 --> 00:24:26,298
Pretty ponytail!
595
00:24:31,053 --> 00:24:32,471
Shake your booty, Missy!
596
00:24:32,554 --> 00:24:36,433
It's more of a scoop then
a shake, but thanks!
597
00:24:36,517 --> 00:24:40,521
Come on, baby. Don't you wanna
join in? The Shame Wizard's gone.
598
00:24:40,604 --> 00:24:43,232
No. I just wanna be left alone.
599
00:24:43,315 --> 00:24:46,902
Oh, come on. You want to take a
tinkle on the principal's desk?
600
00:24:46,986 --> 00:24:48,779
Or take a tinkle on the vending machine?
601
00:24:48,862 --> 00:24:50,215
- No!
- What? You don't have to go?
602
00:24:50,239 --> 00:24:52,866
Stop! You keep making
me do shitty things.
603
00:24:52,950 --> 00:24:54,785
I don't like who I am when I'm with you.
604
00:24:54,868 --> 00:24:56,203
I see. Well.
605
00:24:56,286 --> 00:24:58,789
Maybe we should just take a break.
606
00:24:58,872 --> 00:25:01,333
- Good. Yes, go.
- All right, good.
607
00:25:01,542 --> 00:25:04,545
- We still going to watch Riverdale or...
- Stop!
608
00:25:04,628 --> 00:25:07,006
Should I save it? 'Cause
I'm like, three ahead.
609
00:25:07,089 --> 00:25:08,215
Get out of my life!
610
00:25:08,298 --> 00:25:10,926
Well... I guess I'll
see you later, baby.
611
00:25:23,940 --> 00:25:28,940
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
612
00:26:07,357 --> 00:26:09,359
SDH created by: Arvind Vishwakarma