1 00:00:09,592 --> 00:00:11,342 [bell rings] 2 00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:14,428 Ahh. Smell all that floor cleanser. 3 00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:16,274 It is the first day of school. 4 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:19,189 Eighth grade! Look at us, growing up. 5 00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:20,599 Not like Bart Simpson. 6 00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:23,817 That yellow schmuck's been in fourth grade for, like, 30 years. 7 00:00:23,898 --> 00:00:26,898 Also, is his hair, like, his skin? 8 00:00:26,985 --> 00:00:29,105 -Yeah, he should get that looked at. -I mean, draw hair. 9 00:00:29,195 --> 00:00:31,105 [fanfare plays] 10 00:00:31,197 --> 00:00:33,317 That's right, we're back. 11 00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:36,908 And in a pointless twist, we've got a new masked principal. 12 00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,955 You have to guess who it is by the end of the year, 13 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:41,169 or we lose all our funding! Here's a clue. 14 00:00:41,249 --> 00:00:44,879 I may be a gopher, but I love the water. 15 00:00:44,961 --> 00:00:49,091 Uh-uh-uh. Before you guess, think about who'd be willing to actually do this. 16 00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:50,634 I think it's Paula Abdul. 17 00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:54,217 In other news, I don't know what you did last summer, so let's find out! 18 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:58,184 For our honeymoon, my parents sent us to Rye Playland. 19 00:00:58,266 --> 00:00:59,266 It was so dope! 20 00:00:59,350 --> 00:01:03,060 I ate a ton of cotton candy before noon and then had a major meltdown. 21 00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:07,726 Uh, so Samira and I are a couple now, and we have "sleepovers"! [laughs] 22 00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:09,609 Her parents watch John Wick every night, 23 00:01:09,694 --> 00:01:12,034 so they don't hear all the... [moans, slurps] 24 00:01:12,113 --> 00:01:14,703 I think the masked principal is Kathy Lee Gifford. 25 00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:16,333 Whoa, Ali and Samira? 26 00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:17,949 Seems like everyone's coupling up. 27 00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:22,116 Well, we went from being Jay and Lola to the obvious couple nickname... 28 00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:23,037 Lo-Jay. 29 00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:25,544 I'm gonna lick the breakfast out of your molars. 30 00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:28,507 Hope you like Lean Pocket Shrimp Vindaloo. 31 00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:29,588 [slurping] 32 00:01:29,672 --> 00:01:30,972 Jay and Lola? 33 00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:33,379 We're, like, the only ones in our grade who are still single. 34 00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:35,678 Oh, look, even Lump has a girlfriend. 35 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,312 Actually, I have two. 36 00:01:37,388 --> 00:01:41,938 I've been beating them off with a stick ever since I got this flavor saver. 37 00:01:42,018 --> 00:01:45,058 Oh, we will find out soon  what your flavor is. 38 00:01:45,146 --> 00:01:47,606 Mm, yes, soon we will slaughter this boy. 39 00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:51,650 And consume his flesh like we were at a human steak bistro. 40 00:01:51,736 --> 00:01:54,656 Aw, this sucks. All the girls in our grade are taken. 41 00:01:54,739 --> 00:01:56,949 Not all of them. What about that new girl? 42 00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:59,044 [Andrew] Ooh! New girl? 43 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,499 [Nick chuckles] Whoa! 44 00:02:00,578 --> 00:02:02,248 [gasps] Oh, my God, is that Missy? 45 00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:05,250 Mmm! And you can see her yummy tummy. 46 00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:06,633 Andy likey. 47 00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:08,959 God, I bet her belly button smells insane. 48 00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:10,455 Hey, Missy. Love the new look! 49 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:11,877 Yeah, it's fucking fantastic. 50 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:15,135 Well, fellas, this actually is not for you. 51 00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:18,138 So avert your male gaze and keep your comments to yourself. 52 00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:20,601 And do not touch my hair with your eyes. 53 00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:24,732 Okay, well, how about him touching the inside of your mouth with his penis? 54 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:28,021 Well, it's official. There's no one left in our grade to go out with. 55 00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:31,356 Okay, seventh-graders, you're leaving elementary school behind. 56 00:02:31,442 --> 00:02:33,652 -What's that now? -Just like I'm leaving behind 57 00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:35,776 a famous controversy. 58 00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:37,244 Are you Suge Knight? 59 00:02:37,365 --> 00:02:39,985 Ooh, Andrew, I'm having a light-bulb moment. 60 00:02:40,076 --> 00:02:43,616 Ooohh. Ay-yay-yai! I'm also having an idea. 61 00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:47,125 [gasps] What about going out with seventh-grade girls? 62 00:02:47,208 --> 00:02:48,878 Whoa, you're a genius! 63 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,880 Nick, what about seventh-grade girls? 64 00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:53,553 -Yes! They're young. -They're nubile. 65 00:02:53,631 --> 00:02:55,301 -[Nick] They're gettable. -They're perfect! 66 00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:58,933 That's what I love about these seventh-grade girls, man. 67 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:02,062 I get older, they stay twelve. 68 00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:03,390 [salaciously] Twelve years old. 69 00:03:03,474 --> 00:03:04,814 Oof. When you say it like that... 70 00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:06,233 What if I say it like this? 71 00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:08,351 [excitedly] Twelve years old. 72 00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:09,518 That's significantly worse. 73 00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,686 How about this? [child's voice] Twelve years old, daddy. 74 00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:14,855 -Waa! Waa! -Okay, I gotta get to class. 75 00:03:14,944 --> 00:03:16,954 ["Changes" by Charles Bradley playing] 76 00:03:17,238 --> 00:03:22,788 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 77 00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:32,626 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 78 00:03:32,962 --> 00:03:35,222 ♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 79 00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:40,049 ♪ Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪ 80 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:48,074 Who are the real-world Illuminati ? Find out @ saveanilluminati.com 81 00:03:49,854 --> 00:03:50,694 Hey. 82 00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:54,072 Oh! Look at my grown-up city girl in her little blazer 83 00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:55,280 with her little crest! 84 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,530 -Oh, I could eat you! -Mom, calm down. 85 00:03:57,612 --> 00:04:00,622 How can I? You're going to Darlington-Pierce. 86 00:04:00,698 --> 00:04:04,618 Ooh, I hear that's the school where Lena Dunham fingered her sister. 87 00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:07,082 Look at this. "Preparing young women for excellence." 88 00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:10,923 Okay, can we just lower expectations? I'm actually really nervous. 89 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,540 What?! Why would you be nervous for excellence? 90 00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:15,628 I don't know. It's just a new school, I guess. 91 00:04:15,713 --> 00:04:16,593 I know! 92 00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:19,383 And you're gonna meet so many amazing young women. 93 00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:23,467 And you might get to see Alec Baldwin punch a hot dog vendor. 94 00:04:23,554 --> 00:04:28,144 New York City, the city where Alec Baldwin never sleeps. 95 00:04:28,851 --> 00:04:30,401 -[Nick] Seventh-graders. -[Andrew] Right. 96 00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:32,608 -Guess we're on the prowl now. -Uh-huh. 97 00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:35,069 Just two hunters stalking our prey. 98 00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:36,859 -Wait-- -Two sexy predators. 99 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:39,113 -Um... -Two sexual predators. 100 00:04:39,195 --> 00:04:41,355 No, no, Andrew.  Here are the words you say: 101 00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:42,947 "We're just a couple of eighth-graders 102 00:04:43,032 --> 00:04:45,202 welcoming the seventh-grade girls to the school." 103 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,865 And we shall select two to french. 104 00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:49,164 And feel up. 105 00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:51,247 And other stuff we're too shy to mention. 106 00:04:51,332 --> 00:04:55,342 Oh, Maury, it sure is good to be horny with you again. 107 00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:56,880 How's a man even to choose? 108 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,173 The same way we choose everything. [hums fanfare] 109 00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:00,087 Oh, Netflix! 110 00:05:00,174 --> 00:05:02,974 [Maury] Let's see what girls are suggested for us. 111 00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:04,642 We know everyone can see us. 112 00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,011 And that's part of the thrill. 113 00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:08,017 Eh, nope. What's new and popular? 114 00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:10,309 I'm a normal seventh-grade girl. 115 00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:11,893 And I'm not an undercover cop. 116 00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:15,568 So you can tell me if any of the kids in your class are selling Quaaludes. 117 00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:18,108 Oh-ho, I am gonna rat out all the dealers. 118 00:05:18,192 --> 00:05:19,192 Oh, look over there! 119 00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:20,647 She's my best friend. 120 00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:22,487 And I'm a little shorter than her. 121 00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:23,412 And together... 122 00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:26,659 [both] ...we're making sustained  eye contact with you guys. 123 00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:27,913 -Yeah, we are. -Hell, yeah. 124 00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:33,424 ♪ Cafeteria Girls Life is their tray-hey-hey! ♪ 125 00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:35,379 I really like the one who's smaller than me. 126 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:36,540 Perfect, I'll take whatever. 127 00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:37,667 -Hey, gals. -Hey. 128 00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:38,594 Hey, 'sup? 'Sup? 129 00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:40,841 Obviously this is your first time in the caf, right? 130 00:05:40,923 --> 00:05:42,973 Yeah, like first or second, I would say. 131 00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:44,801 -Well, the trash cans are by the door. -Whoa. 132 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:48,716 And, um, a little tip. If you tell the lunch lady you're diabetic, 133 00:05:48,806 --> 00:05:50,386 she'll give you a tablespoon of raisins. 134 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,095 Shut up. Oh, my God, I love raisins. 135 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,305 My sick grandmother looks like a raisin. 136 00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:55,645 -She's dying, so... -Really? 137 00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:59,190 You know, I was just reading that raisins are dried grapes. 138 00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:00,315 This is Andrew. 139 00:06:00,401 --> 00:06:02,571 Andrew Kent. Yeah. 140 00:06:02,653 --> 00:06:05,743 I'm in the eighth grade, and my name is Andrew Kent. 141 00:06:05,823 --> 00:06:08,203 -That's a strong choice. -But it worked. They think I'm rich. 142 00:06:08,284 --> 00:06:09,624 -Well, I'm Izzy. -Hi. 143 00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:10,702 -And this is Misha. -Hey. 144 00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:11,697 -Hello. -So... 145 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:13,328 Um, since we're talking raisins, 146 00:06:13,414 --> 00:06:15,464 you'll probably read A Raisin in the Sun this year. 147 00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:17,381 I could possibly give you my notes. 148 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:20,210 Um, that's awesome, and I could read them. 149 00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:23,796 I'd give you my notes, but I've drawn some very upsetting things 150 00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:24,883 -in the margins. -Andrew! 151 00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:28,217 Imagine two things that could never have sex with each other in real life. 152 00:06:28,304 --> 00:06:29,144 My mom and dad. 153 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:33,102 -It's a tiger and a desk. -[both] Oh, my God! 154 00:06:33,184 --> 00:06:35,654 Look at those little seventh-grade gold diggers 155 00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:38,438 trying to get that eighth-grade moolah. 156 00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:39,653 Who cares if they're younger? 157 00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:41,532 You're six months younger than me. It's no big deal. 158 00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:44,489 Jay, I was hoping this would never come up, 159 00:06:44,570 --> 00:06:47,200 but I'm actually, spoiler alert, 160 00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,531 -six months older than you! -What? 161 00:06:49,617 --> 00:06:53,957 I was held back in kindergarten because I did something so funny! 162 00:06:54,038 --> 00:06:55,368 -Are you serious? -Yeah. 163 00:06:55,456 --> 00:06:58,496 That's awesome, actually. What did you do? 164 00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:00,714 -Like, eat all the fish in the fish tank? -No! 165 00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:03,835 Wait! Did you accidentally bring your mom's dildo in for show and tell? 166 00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:06,183 -These sound like things you did! -Babe-- 167 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:09,179 You probably think I'm as old as Father Time! 168 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,472 Are you kidding? You're like a hot, sexy cougar. 169 00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:14,677 I don't know. I guess I really do think 170 00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:17,017 girls should be younger than their boyfriends. 171 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:20,523 Oh, wait, did you jack off to the long-fingernails guy 172 00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,106 in the Guinness Book of World Records? 173 00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:24,401 Jay, I'm not gonna tell you. 174 00:07:24,485 --> 00:07:26,695 But it was hilarious. 175 00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:31,531 Oh, my God, look at everyone's bags. Those cost, like, $5,000! 176 00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:32,907 It's cool, baby, 177 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:35,914 I went to Canal Street and got you a Tucci bag. 178 00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:38,417 It's like Gucci, but instead it's Stanley Tucci. 179 00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:40,079 I feel like people will know. 180 00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:42,838 Welcome to eighth grade, you girlbosses. 181 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,970 So, what did you badasses get into this summer? Dish! 182 00:07:46,048 --> 00:07:47,338 Ooh, your teacher's cool! 183 00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:49,885 Yeah, she's got a "Pod Save America" sticker on her laptop. 184 00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:51,889 India Jessica Parker, hi. 185 00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,431 I honestly kept it pretty chill this summer. 186 00:07:54,515 --> 00:07:57,185 I did some light Alzheimer's research at the CDC, 187 00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:58,728 -but, like, barely. -Whoa. 188 00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,941 Greer Conway-Kleenex, hello. 189 00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:05,112 My foundation rescued 20 women who were going to be turned into glue. 190 00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,243 I also won the New York City Marathon 191 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,410 competing against the adults, not the kids. 192 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,989 Jesus, these girls are so impressive. 193 00:08:12,074 --> 00:08:14,084 So are you! You put in a tampon! 194 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,120 We have a new young leader in our class. 195 00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:17,334 -Jessi. -Huh? 196 00:08:17,413 --> 00:08:19,673 Why don't you tell us what you accomplished this summer? 197 00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:20,579 Oh, boy. 198 00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:22,786 Hi. Um, Jessi Glaser. 199 00:08:22,877 --> 00:08:25,247 This summer I went to camp. Um... 200 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,378 They don't look impressed. Tell 'em about the tampon. 201 00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:29,425 -...in Somalia. -What? 202 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,089 It was a refugee camp. 203 00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:32,757 And I was there teaching gymnastics. 204 00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:34,805 Um, I do the splits. 205 00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:37,929 Wait. So, they're doing gymnastics at a refugee camp? 206 00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:40,307 That is a good question, and I thank you. 207 00:08:40,394 --> 00:08:42,104 Okay, this has been my time. 208 00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,478 Why'd you lie, Jessi? 209 00:08:43,564 --> 00:08:44,774 You can't do the splits. 210 00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:47,067 Your tampon would shoot out like a Nerf dart. 211 00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:47,991 Oh, God. 212 00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:51,409 -[bell rings] -All right, this is the main hall. 213 00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:52,819 -[Izzy] Wow. -Don't use that water fountain. 214 00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:56,577 -Lump deep throats the nozzle. -[slurps] I like the taste of rust. 215 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:59,871 -[Misha chuckles] -[laughs] Okay. Um, hey, Andrew, 216 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,746 can you help me open my locker? 217 00:09:01,832 --> 00:09:04,042 Just 'cause we had cubbies last year, so... 218 00:09:04,126 --> 00:09:05,956 Oh, sure, which one is this? 219 00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:07,125 Oh, locker 243. 220 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,133 -Two-four-three, yeah. -She's a little tricky. 221 00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:13,135 -Wow. -You just gotta find her special spot. Ow! 222 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:15,509 -Oh! I hit the pointy bone! -[Izzy] My God, are you okay? 223 00:09:15,596 --> 00:09:17,966 Just leave me alone, 'cause if I speak right now, I'm gonna yell at you. 224 00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:20,887 -[groans] I'm gonna barf! -Andrew, you're doing so well. 225 00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:23,687 -Do you guys have plans after school? -Um... 226 00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:26,231 I was thinking maybe we could, like, go get some coffee, or... 227 00:09:26,315 --> 00:09:28,525 [chuckles] Yeah! I mean, that sounds great, 228 00:09:28,609 --> 00:09:30,239 but we're not allowed to have coffee. 229 00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:32,779 Oh, well,  we'll get you a decaf, sweetheart. 230 00:09:32,863 --> 00:09:34,323 -Okay. -That means a decaffeinated. 231 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:37,077 Yeah, we'll go to Starbucks, get a freezing-cold scone, 232 00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:39,119 maybe a round of Horizon milks, on us, 233 00:09:39,203 --> 00:09:41,253 and get to know each other  a little better. 234 00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:44,290 I know the code for the bathroom. I've used it before. 235 00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:45,455 If you know what I mean. 236 00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:46,593 Sounds like you pooped. 237 00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:48,959 Ah, this one's got a little head on her shoulders. 238 00:09:49,046 --> 00:09:50,256 -It's a date. -Or whatever. 239 00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:52,879 All right, ladies, see you after school. 240 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,337 'Sup? I mean, bye. 241 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,257 -[gasps] -[chuckles] Oh, my God. 242 00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:58,255 -Stop, stop, stop! -Eighth-grade freaking boys! 243 00:09:58,347 --> 00:09:59,557 -Shut up! -You shut up! 244 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,310 -[squeals] -You cannot spaz out like you usually do. 245 00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:05,193 Hey, I'm not gonna spaz out if you promise not to sing. 246 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:07,651 ♪ Promises are made to be broken! ♪ 247 00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:12,951 Okay, homeroom was rough, but I can do math. 248 00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:13,989 Math is my thing. 249 00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:15,911 But math is not my thing. 250 00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:17,700 My thing is different. 251 00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:18,655 What is your thing? 252 00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:20,663 -My thing is Blue Man Group! -Really? 253 00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:23,865 Yeah, they're lean and blue and sexy like Gumby. 254 00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:26,376 But it's okay, I love you, baby. I can stay for math. 255 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:27,839 It's fine. I don't need you here. 256 00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:28,748 -Okay, bye! -If you wanna. 257 00:10:28,836 --> 00:10:30,046 And she's gone, okay. Alone. 258 00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:31,959 Okay, now can anyone tell me 259 00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:35,048 how inverse variables might lay out here on the parabola? 260 00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:37,604 -Oh, my God, they're so far ahead. -[Tito buzzing] 261 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,560 This class is way too hard. 262 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,019 -I know, right? -[Tito] Yeah. 263 00:10:41,098 --> 00:10:42,058 Oh, hello. 264 00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:44,311 Or maybe it's just that you're not very smart? 265 00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:46,313 Ugh! That's kinda what I've been worrying about. 266 00:10:46,395 --> 00:10:47,605 And I don't mean to pile it on, 267 00:10:47,688 --> 00:10:49,978 but have you noticed how shiny Greer's hair is? 268 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,226 -[teacher] Jessi? -I have. 269 00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,987 -Jessi! -Hi! Yes! Present! 270 00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:55,449 So, are you familiar with Richter's theorem? 271 00:10:55,529 --> 00:10:57,619 Don't say no! They'll see how behind you are. 272 00:10:57,698 --> 00:10:59,988 [chuckles] Oh, I am intimately familiar. 273 00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:02,536 Great. Then why don't you come on up to the smartboard 274 00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:04,120 and solve this problem for us? 275 00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,785 Um, I'd rather tell it to you in private later. 276 00:11:06,874 --> 00:11:10,384 Okay, well, I'd rather you showed the whole class right now. 277 00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:13,301 -[students laughing] -Okay, here I go. 278 00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:16,971 You don't know Richter's theorem or how to use a smartboard. 279 00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:20,051 You're basically the Coach Steve of this school. 280 00:11:20,137 --> 00:11:24,057 Um, Mr. Doheny, I think the refugee gymnast girl is crying. 281 00:11:24,141 --> 00:11:26,851 -[Jessi sobs] I'm not crying. -If you don't know the answer, it's okay. 282 00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:29,976 I just wanna say for the record, I put in a tampon this summer. 283 00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:33,614 I know it's not, like, PC to say, but I am enjoying dating younger women. 284 00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,703 God, they make me feel twelve and a half again. 285 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:37,658 I got up this morning, and I did sit-ups. 286 00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:39,368 I can't remember the last time I did that. 287 00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:41,328 -What's, uh, with the jacket? -You like it? 288 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:42,909 -Actually, no. -The man at Goodwill said 289 00:11:42,993 --> 00:11:44,453 the color's called "boy fudge." Eh? 290 00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,827 He's "Professor Boyfriend" now. 291 00:11:46,914 --> 00:11:49,834 Let's just say, I grade on a curve. 292 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,706 -That's the butt. -Oh, here they come! 293 00:11:52,753 --> 00:11:54,303 -Hey, guys. -Ahoy, boys. 294 00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:56,720 -Izzy, be cool. -Okay. I am. 295 00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:59,679 Ladies, I scored us this tall, sticky table. 296 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,220 -There's coffee cake all over the chairs. -[Misha] Ew. 297 00:12:02,304 --> 00:12:04,894 -Oh, my God. Misha likes sticky. -Shut up. 298 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:08,524 Uh, a cup of water and six Splendas for "Lo-Jay." 299 00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:09,732 What the fuck is this? 300 00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:11,562 I asked for light ice! 301 00:12:11,647 --> 00:12:14,397 -Ma'am, this is a free drink. -Are you joking me right now? 302 00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:17,033 Don't call me "ma'am." I'm not an old lady! 303 00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:19,491 -I wanna talk to your manager! -I am the manager. 304 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,372 Well, then I wanna talk to the guy below you 305 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:24,489 so we can commiserate about what a fucking cunt you are! 306 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:25,997 All right. Hey, Gary, come over here. 307 00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:27,288 Would you look at this. 308 00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:29,791 Nick and Andrew and their seventh-grade snacks. 309 00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:31,714 -Yum, yum! -Jay! 310 00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:32,882 Relax, babe, 311 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:36,380 why would I go out for Munchkins when I got a doughnut machine at home? 312 00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:39,014 Oh, my God, time to kiss the doughnuts! 313 00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:41,761 America runs on Skumpy. 314 00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:43,684 Holy snots, they're making out. 315 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,143 Yeah, they are. [laughs] 316 00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:47,272 Yeah, that's what couples do in eighth grade, 317 00:12:47,349 --> 00:12:49,849 or when, you know, eighth-graders are with seventh-graders. 318 00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:51,845 As long as there's an eighth-grader present, 319 00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:54,017 -frenching is on the menu. -And this is pressure. 320 00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:56,276 I'm totally down to French kiss, Spanish fly, 321 00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:57,858 -Dutch oven, fart in your mouth. -Misha! 322 00:12:57,943 --> 00:12:59,703 -♪ Misha, slow your roll! ♪ -What? 323 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:03,069 Well, then, perhaps we should all go to my house tomorrow after school. 324 00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:05,027 Hmm. Yes, for "office hours." 325 00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:08,197 Jesus, Professor Boyfriend, I wanna fuck you. 326 00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:11,497 No, Andrew, for a classic eighth-grade make-out party. 327 00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:14,632 We're in, and we're totally gonna win this thing, ya turds! 328 00:13:14,710 --> 00:13:16,130 Oh, my God, you wish! 329 00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:17,632 I can't wait. I'm so scared. 330 00:13:17,713 --> 00:13:19,303 We love hanging out with older kids. 331 00:13:19,381 --> 00:13:20,221 Older? 332 00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:23,139 Sweetheart, I will hold you down and spit in your mouth 333 00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:24,969 like I did to that kid in kindergarten! 334 00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:27,724 [panting] Oh, yeah? You'll spit in my pretty little mouth? 335 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,057 I really like Misha. 336 00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:31,941 Wait, babe, was spitting in that kid's mouth what got you held back? 337 00:13:32,019 --> 00:13:35,979 -No, Jay, it was way funnier than that! -Ugh! 338 00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:38,725 A big pile of napkins for Steve! 339 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,278 And these are decaf, right? 340 00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:42,821 'Cause I don't wanna stay up all night eating napkins. 341 00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:47,486 Oh, man, is Greer flying her dad's private jet? 342 00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:50,286 Ugh, my dad doesn't even have a private recumbent bike. 343 00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:51,961 He shares it with a guy named Ian. 344 00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:53,459 I just can't stop comparing and-- 345 00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:56,211 Despairing, I know! We should stop. 346 00:13:56,293 --> 00:13:58,803 But then we'd have to get into that homework you don't understand. 347 00:13:58,879 --> 00:13:59,879 Yeah. Maybe I'll just look 348 00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:01,224 -at one or two more. -Good call. 349 00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:04,048 Hey, guys, we're here at Starbucks with our seventh-grade honeys! 350 00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:06,394 Are you fucking kidding? "Seventh-grade honeys"? 351 00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:08,810 Looks like everyone is moving on and doing well without you. 352 00:14:08,889 --> 00:14:11,059 Jay and Lola are dating now? 353 00:14:11,141 --> 00:14:12,101 What's up, jerks? 354 00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:15,524 I'm going to an exclusive eighth-grade orgy 355 00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:16,904 with my old lady tomorrow. 356 00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:18,691 Oh, my God, don't call me old! 357 00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:20,364 And tag me in that. 358 00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:22,902 [sighs] I have nothing and nobody. 359 00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:25,908 -That's not true. You've got me. -Right, right. 360 00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,660 And a stress zit on your upper lip. 361 00:14:27,741 --> 00:14:30,331 Oh, shit, is everyone gonna think I have herpes now? 362 00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:31,701 Oh, my God, you might. 363 00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:34,457 And I sucked your blood. You gave me herpes. 364 00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:37,000 -What? -Now I have to call my old partners. 365 00:14:37,751 --> 00:14:39,591 Now, Nicky, you're gonna make sure 366 00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:42,630 she achieves pleasure before you do, right? 367 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:43,545 You got it, Elliot. 368 00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:46,222 One full orgasm before you even kiss her. 369 00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:47,432 But is that even possible? 370 00:14:47,511 --> 00:14:50,931 Of course! Your father once gave me an orgasm through a window. 371 00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:52,975 I used a hair dryer and a CB radio. 372 00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:53,888 Holy shit. 373 00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:55,386 Kill the boy and fuck the parents. 374 00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:56,807 I know, but shush. 375 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:59,056 So, tell us about this girl. 376 00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:00,068 Do you like her? 377 00:15:00,149 --> 00:15:01,069 Do you, Nicky? 378 00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:03,740 Do you love her so much you hate everyone else? 379 00:15:03,819 --> 00:15:05,149 Yeah! I mean, no. 380 00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:07,567 But yeah, Misha's... you know… 381 00:15:07,656 --> 00:15:10,366 -What is Misha again? -Shit, I don't know, short? 382 00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:13,201 But the other one sings real nice. Make my titties pop out. 383 00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:14,407 -Boop, boop. -[doorbell rings] 384 00:15:14,496 --> 00:15:17,496 -Elliot, I think we should go upstairs. -[CB static hisses] 385 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,713 -[dryer blowing] -Reading you loud and clear, big mama. 386 00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:20,673 [Diane laughs] 387 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:22,167 Hello, ladies. 388 00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:24,424 Welcome to Tongue Town. [laughs] 389 00:15:24,506 --> 00:15:26,046 Population, four. 390 00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:29,303 Oh, yeah? Well, we just moved from Titty City. 391 00:15:29,386 --> 00:15:31,056 We slid here on our own discharge. 392 00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:32,058 How did they get here? 393 00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:33,179 -Meesh! -What? 394 00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:34,845 Nick, you have a beautiful home. 395 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:35,814 Oh, thanks so much. 396 00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:37,653 Okay, enough pleasantries. 397 00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:42,188 Why don't you follow my fat ass over to the sectional? 398 00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:43,284 Oh, my God. 399 00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:46,819 ♪ This is really happening, Lord ♪ 400 00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:48,324 -Stop. Shh! -Stop! 401 00:15:48,405 --> 00:15:50,815 They should sit close enough so the boys can high-five. 402 00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:53,578 Yeah, but back to back so they don't make eye contact 403 00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:55,291 and accidentally switch souls. 404 00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:59,171 -So Leo DiCaprio and Lukas Haas rules? -Oh, classic Pussy Posse. 405 00:15:59,249 --> 00:16:00,499 Rest in pussy, boys. 406 00:16:00,584 --> 00:16:01,714 Rest in pussy. 407 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:05,514 I keep reading the same paragraph, and it makes less and less sense. 408 00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:07,379 -Can I point something out? -Please. 409 00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:09,796 -Everything's kinda crumbling around you. -Uh-huh. 410 00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:12,385 And you're lying to everyone, and so you're going to have to remember 411 00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:13,351 -all those lies. -Yeah. 412 00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:15,430 -That doesn't feel good, right? -[knock on door] 413 00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:16,726 Go away, Mom, I'm studying! 414 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,269 [purrs] 415 00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:20,902 Hello, Jessi. 416 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:21,900 It's been too long. 417 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,151 Oh, shit. 418 00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:25,032 Kitty Beaumont Bouchet, is that you? 419 00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:27,819 Tito Taylor Thomas, as I live and breathe! 420 00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:30,283 -[both chuckle] -You guys know each other? 421 00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:32,874 Oh, we've been working together for ages. 422 00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:33,910 Remember Van Gogh? 423 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,453 [in Dutch accent] I feel crazy! 424 00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:38,786 [laughing] Oh, my God. I still have his earlobe in my locket! 425 00:16:38,872 --> 00:16:42,042 Can you two please stop? I'm trying to study. 426 00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:44,706 Aw, you know what helps me study? 427 00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:45,915 Sleeping. 428 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,965 -Yeah, I do feel pretty exhausted. -[purrs] 429 00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:49,878 Or even better, you could stare at the ceiling 430 00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:52,297 and replay all the embarrassing things that happened at school. 431 00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:54,806 -I'm already there. -It is so nice 432 00:16:54,888 --> 00:16:56,638 to be working together again. 433 00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,854 It doesn't even feel like work. We're just, you know... 434 00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:01,484 [both] Emotionally crippling  a young woman. Jinx! 435 00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:03,562 -[both laugh] -[Jessi groans] 436 00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:05,936 -[Andrew clears throat] -[laughs, clears throat] 437 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,735 I was laughing before that you're blazing in that sweater 438 00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:11,029 whilst I'm sweating through this blazer. 439 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:13,663 I'm filled with all sorts of delightful observations. 440 00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:16,911 [chuckles] Yeah. ♪ Your breath smells like tuna fish ♪ 441 00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:19,834 For your information, he just drank the water out of the can. 442 00:17:19,913 --> 00:17:22,043 That's why he's got a big cut on his tongue. 443 00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:23,794 -[squishing] -[Nick mumbles] Uh... 444 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,996 Misha, what are you doing with your fingers? 445 00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:26,916 Yeah, you like that? 446 00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:28,594 -No, you do not! -I don't know if I do. 447 00:17:28,672 --> 00:17:30,842 -I can feel your cavities, you like that? -[Nick groans] 448 00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:33,644 Hey, sorry! Andrew, do you have to go to the bathroom? 449 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:37,969 Indeed! Yes! Why don't you follow my fat ass to the powder room? 450 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,137 Ladies, we'll be right back. 451 00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:40,314 Okay, better hurry up. 452 00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:42,232 The corner of this couch is looking pretty good. 453 00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:44,691 Oh, happy birthday, Mr. Sofa. 454 00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:48,940 Hey. So I'm finding Misha a little terrifying. 455 00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:51,946 Really? 'Cause I wanna be the corner  of that couch right now. 456 00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:53,409 And Izzy's kind of annoying. 457 00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:55,779 Really? I like how she sings everything. 458 00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:57,446 Ah! Should we... 459 00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,790 I mean, switch? 460 00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:00,830 -Fuck, yes! -Yes! 461 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,503 The little one's gonna suck every drop  of tuna water out of you. 462 00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:05,542 And the tall one's gonna write a song about Nick. 463 00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:07,456 Yeah, but she's not gonna sing it. She's not a singer. 464 00:18:07,544 --> 00:18:09,214 -It's true, the voice isn't there. -Yeah. 465 00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:10,876 But her talent lies with songwriting. 466 00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:12,384 I'm okay with switching if you are. 467 00:18:12,466 --> 00:18:13,466 I think it's a great idea. 468 00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:16,220 If we're both in agreement, then I think that covers everybody. 469 00:18:16,303 --> 00:18:17,353 The motion passes! 470 00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:19,309 -And I do for real have to go. -Okay. 471 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,982 What do you think, is an old baby-food jar full of olive oil 472 00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:24,520 a good gift for a make-out party? 473 00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:27,063 Honestly, yes, but I'm so not into this. 474 00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:28,647 Babe, it's gonna be fun. 475 00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:30,732 You know I want everybody to watch 476 00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:33,318 while I tongue your throat clit with my mouth dick. 477 00:18:33,403 --> 00:18:36,573 First of all, I want that on a T-shirt yesterday. 478 00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:39,277 But I just don't feel like passing the so-called day 479 00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:41,328 with those seventh-grade skanks. 480 00:18:41,411 --> 00:18:46,331 How many times do I have to tell you, it's hot that you're old! 481 00:18:46,416 --> 00:18:47,576 Stop calling me old! 482 00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:48,788 Stop being sad! 483 00:18:48,877 --> 00:18:50,297 Stop telling me how to feel! 484 00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:51,799 -Babe! Fuck! -[glass shatters] 485 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:55,220 Why does being a hot cougar woman make you so sad? 486 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,050 Because I'm older than I normally should be. 487 00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:01,887 And even though I was held back for a really funny reason, 488 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,314 one that would, like, redefine comedy, 489 00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:07,483 it feels, like, bad to be the oldest in our grade! 490 00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:08,863 Oh, wow. 491 00:19:08,939 --> 00:19:11,399 I guess I had no idea you had so many feelings. 492 00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:12,693 -Yeah. -That must suck. 493 00:19:12,776 --> 00:19:13,736 Exactly. So it's like-- 494 00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:16,699 Babe, just the sound of your voice makes me horny. 495 00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:18,950 You know exactly what to say. 496 00:19:19,032 --> 00:19:21,702 Will you please tell me why you got held back? 497 00:19:21,785 --> 00:19:25,115 Yes, the time has come for ultimate hilarity. 498 00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:28,575 Okay. Oh, my God. [snorts, inhales] 499 00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:30,629 So, like, one day, at recess... 500 00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:34,011 Oh, my God, I am, like, not gonna be able to get through this. 501 00:19:34,089 --> 00:19:35,419 [laughs] 502 00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:38,587 I intentionally tripped a kid on the playground. 503 00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:40,047 Think fast, Isaac! 504 00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:41,967 And a metal spike pierced his skull 505 00:19:42,055 --> 00:19:45,135 -and went, like, deep into his brain. -[gasping] 506 00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:47,935 Jesus, babe... 507 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:52,190 [laughing] That is so fucking hilarious! 508 00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:53,194 What an idiot! 509 00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:55,275 [laughing] I know! 510 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:59,360 When it happened, I was like, a real record-scratch moment. 511 00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:02,448 Yeah, I bet it was. Did he fucking die? 512 00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,914 Honestly, if I tell you, it won't be as funny. 513 00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:07,075 Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't ruin it. 514 00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:08,834 Don't ruin this. Come here. 515 00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:09,956 [moaning] 516 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:11,922 [hairdryer whirring] 517 00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:15,342 Breaker, breaker, one nine. We've got a southbound climax 518 00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:20,142 -right on the center divider. -[Diane] Oh, Elliot! Ten-four, good buddy! 519 00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:21,799 Just made my wife cum, over. 520 00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:24,467 [man] Copy that, Elliot. I just made it to Flagstaff. Over and out. 521 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,557 Hello, Misha. Make room. 522 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,352 Did you meesh me? 523 00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:30,345 -What? -Oh, look where we find ourselves. 524 00:20:30,437 --> 00:20:31,647 This feels better, doesn't it? 525 00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:33,940 What are you doing? I'm supposed to be with Andrew. 526 00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:35,404 Oh, no, no, no. It's cool. 527 00:20:35,484 --> 00:20:38,574 We realized that I should be with you, and Andrew should be with Misha. 528 00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:40,664 You see, we hated it the other way. 529 00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:42,159 Oh, you-- you-- you hated it? 530 00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:43,531 Yep, that's why we switched. 531 00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:44,737 What about what we think? 532 00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:47,786 Oh, well, I hate to do this 'cause, like, it's just kind of gauche, 533 00:20:47,871 --> 00:20:49,331 but it is our show, so... 534 00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:50,334 [chuckles] Your show? 535 00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:52,075 -Yeah, Big Mouth. -Okay. 536 00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:53,997 You guys are literally on our show. 537 00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:56,256 -What? -Uh, Cafeteria Girls. 538 00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:58,008 -♪ Cafeteria Girls ♪ -[audience cheering] 539 00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:01,680 -♪ Kissing's off the menu ♪ -[audience applauding] 540 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:02,760 Who's cheering? 541 00:21:02,844 --> 00:21:03,764 And you know what? 542 00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:06,095 We might just be seventh-graders, Andrew Kent, 543 00:21:06,181 --> 00:21:08,391 but you, Andrew, can't make out with us. 544 00:21:08,475 --> 00:21:11,225 Well, joke's on you, sweetheart, 'cause that was a fake name. 545 00:21:11,311 --> 00:21:13,061 -I fucking lied to you. -[audience booing] 546 00:21:13,146 --> 00:21:15,106 -Now who's booing us? -Yeah, what's going on? 547 00:21:15,190 --> 00:21:16,480 Turn the lights on, Bobby! 548 00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:18,776 -[gasps] They don't have a ceiling. -That's right, bitch! 549 00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:21,610 Our show's shot in front of a live studio audience! 550 00:21:21,697 --> 00:21:23,617 -It is? -But this is my living room. 551 00:21:23,699 --> 00:21:24,569 Go get 'em, Meesh! 552 00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:26,158 [man] Orange County loves you! 553 00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:29,543 And surprise, you guys are totally gross, and everybody knows it. 554 00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:32,671 Yeah, I used to want to yum-yum on Nick's pelvic thumb-- 555 00:21:32,749 --> 00:21:34,249 -I know, fuck gremlin. -Fuck gremlin? 556 00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:37,424 But now I wanna tear out his spine and shove it up my ass. 557 00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:39,844 -[audience laughs] -I guess she's their hormone monster? 558 00:21:39,923 --> 00:21:41,133 I'm a handful! 559 00:21:41,216 --> 00:21:43,256 And yeah, we're younger, but we're learning. 560 00:21:43,343 --> 00:21:45,393 -And you know what we learned this week? -Uh... 561 00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:49,680 [both] We wanna go out with nice guys, not sloppy Joes! 562 00:21:49,766 --> 00:21:51,386 -[audience cheers] -[Nick and Andrew groan] 563 00:21:51,476 --> 00:21:53,686 My fuck blazer is ruined! 564 00:21:53,770 --> 00:21:55,190 Where did they get sloppy Joes? 565 00:21:55,272 --> 00:21:56,902 From Lunch Lady Eve, of course. 566 00:21:56,982 --> 00:22:00,112 They drawed a bow on top of my head. So... 567 00:22:00,193 --> 00:22:01,113 [man] Eve, I love you! 568 00:22:01,194 --> 00:22:02,404 I love you too! Who said that? 569 00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:03,357 Now let's go home 570 00:22:03,447 --> 00:22:06,487 and see how much of your grandma's cane we can fit up your pussy! 571 00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:08,485 -[audience laughs] -School's out, dorks! 572 00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:10,161 [Jessi sighs] 573 00:22:10,245 --> 00:22:13,285 I don't think you could handle another day at school. 574 00:22:13,373 --> 00:22:15,713 I know. But I have to try, right? 575 00:22:15,792 --> 00:22:18,002 -Do you? -Don't go in there. It's too hard! 576 00:22:18,086 --> 00:22:19,086 [Jessi exhales] 577 00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,379 That's the new girl, Jessi, right? 578 00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:24,296 There's no way she's gonna last. 579 00:22:24,384 --> 00:22:26,054 Jessi, what is this supposed to be? 580 00:22:26,136 --> 00:22:27,426 Um, my homework. 581 00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:30,812 Oh, really? Because it looks like you took a dump on a piece of paper 582 00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:32,101 -and turned it in. -What? 583 00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:35,194 -That's not gonna fly here. -No, I tried really hard! 584 00:22:35,270 --> 00:22:36,980 Miss Glaser, they're here for you. 585 00:22:37,064 --> 00:22:38,694 -Who's here for me? -[horn honks] 586 00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:40,824 It's the Dummy Truck for losers, Jessi. 587 00:22:40,901 --> 00:22:42,651 It's here to take you away to Dipshit Town. 588 00:22:42,736 --> 00:22:43,986 -No. -You can't lie your way 589 00:22:44,071 --> 00:22:45,411 out of this one, moron. 590 00:22:45,489 --> 00:22:46,739 [gasps, groans] 591 00:22:46,823 --> 00:22:49,283 -Fart! Whoo! -Did you just say "fart"? 592 00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:51,038 I'm really dumb! 593 00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:52,619 I don't wanna go to Dipshit Town! 594 00:22:52,704 --> 00:22:54,834 Sorry, my dude, those are the breaks! 595 00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:56,165 -Are these the brakes? -[revving] 596 00:22:56,249 --> 00:22:59,459 -Where are the brakes? -[screams] 597 00:23:00,754 --> 00:23:04,344 Okay, yeah, I'm definitely not going in there. 598 00:23:04,424 --> 00:23:07,684 Of course you're not. It's not a safe place for a dummy loser. 599 00:23:07,761 --> 00:23:09,721 Wanna walk down to Union Square 600 00:23:09,805 --> 00:23:12,555 and watch them break down a farmers market? 601 00:23:12,641 --> 00:23:13,811 No. [sighs] 602 00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:17,022 -But I will. -Good girl. [purrs] 603 00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:20,404 We literally just broke up with our eighth-grade boyfriends. 604 00:23:20,482 --> 00:23:21,322 They're... 605 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:25,070 [both] ...so immature, it's crazy! 606 00:23:25,153 --> 00:23:25,993 [audience laughs] 607 00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:29,371 Oh, you're gonna shuck this boy's nuts out of his sack 608 00:23:29,449 --> 00:23:30,829 and eat it with cocktail sauce. 609 00:23:30,909 --> 00:23:33,789 Welcome to the yacht club, baby! [cackles] 610 00:23:33,870 --> 00:23:38,630 ♪ Cafeteria Girls A second helping of friendship ♪ 611 00:23:38,708 --> 00:23:39,788 I'm a handful! 612 00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:43,422 Wow, I'm beginning to think we're not the center of the universe. 613 00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:47,005 I guess we have to start treating girls like they're the stars of their own show. 614 00:23:47,092 --> 00:23:48,222 Yeah, but, you know, like, 615 00:23:48,301 --> 00:23:50,301 what's the target audience for Cafeteria Girls? 616 00:23:50,387 --> 00:23:51,217 I know! 617 00:23:51,304 --> 00:23:54,354 I mean, the main characters are kids, but the show is so filthy. 618 00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:56,353 It's too much. And I like dirty stuff. 619 00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:58,305 That fuck gremlin is really unpleasant. 620 00:23:58,395 --> 00:23:59,395 It's uncalled for. 621 00:23:59,479 --> 00:24:01,819 -You don't need to be gross to be funny. -You said it, Maury. 622 00:24:01,898 --> 00:24:04,398 All right, I'm gonna go have sex with poop, then eat it. 623 00:24:04,484 --> 00:24:05,444 -Sure. -Then shit it out 624 00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:07,607 -and then fuck my own ass with it. -Okay, God bless. 625 00:24:08,196 --> 00:24:13,486 Oh, should we unroll a chocolate croissant and just eat the chocolate? 626 00:24:13,577 --> 00:24:15,657 Yes. That is a perfect idea. 627 00:24:15,745 --> 00:24:17,075 Oh, skipping school. 628 00:24:17,164 --> 00:24:18,044 -What? -Bad girl. 629 00:24:18,123 --> 00:24:19,753 -No, I, um... -Relax. 630 00:24:19,833 --> 00:24:22,133 -I'm just-- -Relax, I'm skipping too. 631 00:24:22,210 --> 00:24:24,920 You learn more in the real world than you ever could in a classroom. 632 00:24:25,005 --> 00:24:26,545 Totally, yeah. That's true. 633 00:24:26,631 --> 00:24:27,841 I'm Michael Angelo, by the way. 634 00:24:27,924 --> 00:24:29,594 Like the artist, not the ninja frog. 635 00:24:29,676 --> 00:24:30,796 -You mean turtle? -[chuckles] 636 00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:33,176 Yeah. I like you. Would you let me sketch you? 637 00:24:33,263 --> 00:24:34,393 [sighs] Okay. 638 00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:35,473 Cowabung-hole! 639 00:24:35,557 --> 00:24:37,927 -No, I hate water! -[Tito] I can't swim! 640 00:24:38,018 --> 00:24:41,648 I'm riding a wave of my own discharge! 641 00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:42,560 You're back! 642 00:24:42,647 --> 00:24:44,857 Of course, this boy is hot! 643 00:24:44,941 --> 00:24:45,941 Talk to him! 644 00:24:46,026 --> 00:24:48,446 Hi! Hello, I'm Jessi. 645 00:24:48,528 --> 00:24:49,738 Why did I curtsy? 646 00:24:49,821 --> 00:24:52,161 'Cause you're getting an eyeline on that dick. 647 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:53,740 -Wanna have a seat? -Yes, please! 648 00:24:53,825 --> 00:24:55,325 Right on his fucking face! 649 00:24:55,410 --> 00:24:57,790 Okay, where should I put my backpack? 650 00:24:57,871 --> 00:24:59,371 On my lap? On my head? 651 00:24:59,456 --> 00:25:01,786 [chuckles] Just kidding. Fuck. 652 00:25:01,875 --> 00:25:03,455 Whatever you do is perfect. 653 00:25:03,543 --> 00:25:05,003 Oooh! 654 00:25:05,086 --> 00:25:09,086 Breaker, breaker, one nine, I just came again. 655 00:25:09,174 --> 00:25:11,764 [man] Copy that, Connie, I just made it to San Diego. 656 00:25:11,843 --> 00:25:13,723 First time seeing the ocean. 657 00:25:13,803 --> 00:25:15,223 Boy, it is beautiful. 658 00:25:15,305 --> 00:25:16,515 [upbeat music playing] 659 00:25:16,598 --> 00:25:22,268 ♪ Cafeteria Girls Life is their tray-hey-hey! ♪ 660 00:25:22,354 --> 00:25:25,364 ♪ They're saving you a seat at the table ♪ 661 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:28,570 ♪ It's all fish sticks, friends and fun ♪ 662 00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:31,992 ♪ And they're doling out laughs By the ladle ♪ 663 00:25:32,072 --> 00:25:35,582 ♪ They got your midday blues on the run ♪ 664 00:25:36,201 --> 00:25:39,291 ♪ Lunch Lady Eve will be wearing a dress ♪ 665 00:25:39,371 --> 00:25:43,381 ♪ And the fuck gremlin Will be bringing the sex ♪ 666 00:25:43,458 --> 00:25:45,288 -[gremlin] I'm a handful. -[audience laughs] 667 00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:51,587 ♪ Cafeteria Girls Life is their tray-hey-hey! ♪ 668 00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:53,675 [audience cheering] 669 00:25:57,556 --> 00:26:00,636 ♪ Ooooh ♪ 670 00:26:04,354 --> 00:26:06,274 -[man] Fathouse. -[ticking] 671 00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:08,776 [man laughs] "Good at Bizness." 672 00:26:08,858 --> 00:26:10,778 -[man] Chirp. -[kazoo plays] 673 00:26:11,305 --> 00:27:11,861 Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/77dwp Help other users to choose the best subtitles