[bell rings]
Ahh. Smell all that floor cleanser.
It is the first day of school.
Eighth grade! Look at us, growing up.
Not like Bart Simpson.
That yellow schmuck's been in fourth grade for, like, 30 years.
Also, is his hair, like, his skin?
-Yeah, he should get that looked at. -I mean, draw hair.
[fanfare plays]
That's right, we're back.
And in a pointless twist, we've got a new masked principal.
You have to guess who it is by the end of the year,
or we lose all our funding! Here's a clue.
I may be a gopher, but I love the water.
Uh-uh-uh. Before you guess, think about who'd be willing to actually do this.
I think it's Paula Abdul.
In other news, I don't know what you did last summer, so let's find out!
For our honeymoon, my parents sent us to Rye Playland.
It was so dope!
I ate a ton of cotton candy before noon and then had a major meltdown.
Uh, so Samira and I are a couple now, and we have "sleepovers"! [laughs]
Her parents watch John Wick every night,
so they don't hear all the... [moans, slurps]
I think the masked principal is Kathy Lee Gifford.
Whoa, Ali and Samira?
Seems like everyone's coupling up.
Well, we went from being Jay and Lola to the obvious couple nickname...
Lo-Jay.
I'm gonna lick the breakfast out of your molars.
Hope you like Lean Pocket Shrimp Vindaloo.
[slurping]
Jay and Lola?
We're, like, the only ones in our grade who are still single.
Oh, look, even Lump has a girlfriend.
Actually, I have two.
I've been beating them off with a stick ever since I got this flavor saver.
Oh, we will find out soon what your flavor is.
Mm, yes, soon we will slaughter this boy.
And consume his flesh like we were at a human steak bistro.
Aw, this sucks. All the girls in our grade are taken.
Not all of them. What about that new girl?
[Andrew] Ooh! New girl?
[Nick chuckles] Whoa!
[gasps] Oh, my God, is that Missy?
Mmm! And you can see her yummy tummy.
Andy likey.
God, I bet her belly button smells insane.
Hey, Missy. Love the new look!
Yeah, it's fucking fantastic.
Well, fellas, this actually is not for you.
So avert your male gaze and keep your comments to yourself.
And do not touch my hair with your eyes.
Okay, well, how about him touching the inside of your mouth with his penis?
Well, it's official. There's no one left in our grade to go out with.
Okay, seventh-graders, you're leaving elementary school behind.
-What's that now? -Just like I'm leaving behind
a famous controversy.
Are you Suge Knight?
Ooh, Andrew, I'm having a light-bulb moment.
Ooohh. Ay-yay-yai! I'm also having an idea.
[gasps] What about going out with seventh-grade girls?
Whoa, you're a genius!
Nick, what about seventh-grade girls?
-Yes! They're young. -They're nubile.
-[Nick] They're gettable. -They're perfect!
That's what I love about these seventh-grade girls, man.
I get older, they stay twelve.
[salaciously] Twelve years old.
Oof. When you say it like that...
What if I say it like this?
[excitedly] Twelve years old.
That's significantly worse.
How about this? [child's voice] Twelve years old, daddy.
-Waa! Waa! -Okay, I gotta get to class.
["Changes" by Charles Bradley playing]
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
♪ Oh, in my life ♪
♪ Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪
Who are the real-world Illuminati ? Find out @ saveanilluminati.com
Hey.
Oh! Look at my grown-up city girl in her little blazer
with her little crest!
-Oh, I could eat you! -Mom, calm down.
How can I? You're going to Darlington-Pierce.
Ooh, I hear that's the school where Lena Dunham fingered her sister.
Look at this. "Preparing young women for excellence."
Okay, can we just lower expectations? I'm actually really nervous.
What?! Why would you be nervous for excellence?
I don't know. It's just a new school, I guess.
I know!
And you're gonna meet so many amazing young women.
And you might get to see Alec Baldwin punch a hot dog vendor.
New York City, the city where Alec Baldwin never sleeps.
-[Nick] Seventh-graders. -[Andrew] Right.
-Guess we're on the prowl now. -Uh-huh.
Just two hunters stalking our prey.
-Wait-- -Two sexy predators.
-Um... -Two sexual predators.
No, no, Andrew. Here are the words you say:
"We're just a couple of eighth-graders
welcoming the seventh-grade girls to the school."
And we shall select two to french.
And feel up.
And other stuff we're too shy to mention.
Oh, Maury, it sure is good to be horny with you again.
How's a man even to choose?
The same way we choose everything. [hums fanfare]
Oh, Netflix!
[Maury] Let's see what girls are suggested for us.
We know everyone can see us.
And that's part of the thrill.
Eh, nope. What's new and popular?
I'm a normal seventh-grade girl.
And I'm not an undercover cop.
So you can tell me if any of the kids in your class are selling Quaaludes.
Oh-ho, I am gonna rat out all the dealers.
Oh, look over there!
She's my best friend.
And I'm a little shorter than her.
And together...
[both] ...we're making sustained eye contact with you guys.
-Yeah, we are. -Hell, yeah.
♪ Cafeteria Girls Life is their tray-hey-hey! ♪
I really like the one who's smaller than me.
Perfect, I'll take whatever.
-Hey, gals. -Hey.
Hey, 'sup? 'Sup?
Obviously this is your first time in the caf, right?
Yeah, like first or second, I would say.
-Well, the trash cans are by the door. -Whoa.
And, um, a little tip. If you tell the lunch lady you're diabetic,
she'll give you a tablespoon of raisins.
Shut up. Oh, my God, I love raisins.
My sick grandmother looks like a raisin.
-She's dying, so... -Really?
You know, I was just reading that raisins are dried grapes.
This is Andrew.
Andrew Kent. Yeah.
I'm in the eighth grade, and my name is Andrew Kent.
-That's a strong choice. -But it worked. They think I'm rich.
-Well, I'm Izzy. -Hi.
-And this is Misha. -Hey.
-Hello. -So...
Um, since we're talking raisins,
you'll probably read A Raisin in the Sun this year.
I could possibly give you my notes.
Um, that's awesome, and I could read them.
I'd give you my notes, but I've drawn some very upsetting things
-in the margins. -Andrew!
Imagine two things that could never have sex with each other in real life.
My mom and dad.
-It's a tiger and a desk. -[both] Oh, my God!
Look at those little seventh-grade gold diggers
trying to get that eighth-grade moolah.
Who cares if they're younger?
You're six months younger than me. It's no big deal.
Jay, I was hoping this would never come up,
but I'm actually, spoiler alert,
-six months older than you! -What?
I was held back in kindergarten because I did something so funny!
-Are you serious? -Yeah.
That's awesome, actually. What did you do?
-Like, eat all the fish in the fish tank? -No!
Wait! Did you accidentally bring your mom's dildo in for show and tell?
-These sound like things you did! -Babe--
You probably think I'm as old as Father Time!
Are you kidding? You're like a hot, sexy cougar.
I don't know. I guess I really do think
girls should be younger than their boyfriends.
Oh, wait, did you jack off to the long-fingernails guy
in the Guinness Book of World Records?
Jay, I'm not gonna tell you.
But it was hilarious.
Oh, my God, look at everyone's bags. Those cost, like, $5,000!
It's cool, baby,
I went to Canal Street and got you a Tucci bag.
It's like Gucci, but instead it's Stanley Tucci.
I feel like people will know.
Welcome to eighth grade, you girlbosses.
So, what did you badasses get into this summer? Dish!
Ooh, your teacher's cool!
Yeah, she's got a "Pod Save America" sticker on her laptop.
India Jessica Parker, hi.
I honestly kept it pretty chill this summer.
I did some light Alzheimer's research at the CDC,
-but, like, barely. -Whoa.
Greer Conway-Kleenex, hello.
My foundation rescued 20 women who were going to be turned into glue.
I also won the New York City Marathon
competing against the adults, not the kids.
Jesus, these girls are so impressive.
So are you! You put in a tampon!
We have a new young leader in our class.
-Jessi. -Huh?
Why don't you tell us what you accomplished this summer?
Oh, boy.
Hi. Um, Jessi Glaser.
This summer I went to camp. Um...
They don't look impressed. Tell 'em about the tampon.
-...in Somalia. -What?
It was a refugee camp.
And I was there teaching gymnastics.
Um, I do the splits.
Wait. So, they're doing gymnastics at a refugee camp?
That is a good question, and I thank you.
Okay, this has been my time.
Why'd you lie, Jessi?
You can't do the splits.
Your tampon would shoot out like a Nerf dart.
Oh, God.
-[bell rings] -All right, this is the main hall.
-[Izzy] Wow. -Don't use that water fountain.
-Lump deep throats the nozzle. -[slurps] I like the taste of rust.
-[Misha chuckles] -[laughs] Okay. Um, hey, Andrew,
can you help me open my locker?
Just 'cause we had cubbies last year, so...
Oh, sure, which one is this?
Oh, locker 243.
-Two-four-three, yeah. -She's a little tricky.
-Wow. -You just gotta find her special spot. Ow!
-Oh! I hit the pointy bone! -[Izzy] My God, are you okay?
Just leave me alone, 'cause if I speak right now, I'm gonna yell at you.
-[groans] I'm gonna barf! -Andrew, you're doing so well.
-Do you guys have plans after school? -Um...
I was thinking maybe we could, like, go get some coffee, or...
[chuckles] Yeah! I mean, that sounds great,
but we're not allowed to have coffee.
Oh, well, we'll get you a decaf, sweetheart.
-Okay. -That means a decaffeinated.
Yeah, we'll go to Starbucks, get a freezing-cold scone,
maybe a round of Horizon milks, on us,
and get to know each other a little better.
I know the code for the bathroom. I've used it before.
If you know what I mean.
Sounds like you pooped.
Ah, this one's got a little head on her shoulders.
-It's a date. -Or whatever.
All right, ladies, see you after school.
'Sup? I mean, bye.
-[gasps] -[chuckles] Oh, my God.
-Stop, stop, stop! -Eighth-grade freaking boys!
-Shut up! -You shut up!
-[squeals] -You cannot spaz out like you usually do.
Hey, I'm not gonna spaz out if you promise not to sing.
♪ Promises are made to be broken! ♪
Okay, homeroom was rough, but I can do math.
Math is my thing.
But math is not my thing.
My thing is different.
What is your thing?
-My thing is Blue Man Group! -Really?
Yeah, they're lean and blue and sexy like Gumby.
But it's okay, I love you, baby. I can stay for math.
It's fine. I don't need you here.
-Okay, bye! -If you wanna.
And she's gone, okay. Alone.
Okay, now can anyone tell me
how inverse variables might lay out here on the parabola?
-Oh, my God, they're so far ahead. -[Tito buzzing]
This class is way too hard.
-I know, right? -[Tito] Yeah.
Oh, hello.
Or maybe it's just that you're not very smart?
Ugh! That's kinda what I've been worrying about.
And I don't mean to pile it on,
but have you noticed how shiny Greer's hair is?
-[teacher] Jessi? -I have.
-Jessi! -Hi! Yes! Present!
So, are you familiar with Richter's theorem?
Don't say no! They'll see how behind you are.
[chuckles] Oh, I am intimately familiar.
Great. Then why don't you come on up to the smartboard
and solve this problem for us?
Um, I'd rather tell it to you in private later.
Okay, well, I'd rather you showed the whole class right now.
-[students laughing] -Okay, here I go.
You don't know Richter's theorem or how to use a smartboard.
You're basically the Coach Steve of this school.
Um, Mr. Doheny, I think the refugee gymnast girl is crying.
-[Jessi sobs] I'm not crying. -If you don't know the answer, it's okay.
I just wanna say for the record, I put in a tampon this summer.
I know it's not, like, PC to say, but I am enjoying dating younger women.
God, they make me feel twelve and a half again.
I got up this morning, and I did sit-ups.
I can't remember the last time I did that.
-What's, uh, with the jacket? -You like it?
-Actually, no. -The man at Goodwill said
the color's called "boy fudge." Eh?
He's "Professor Boyfriend" now.
Let's just say, I grade on a curve.
-That's the butt. -Oh, here they come!
-Hey, guys. -Ahoy, boys.
-Izzy, be cool. -Okay. I am.
Ladies, I scored us this tall, sticky table.
-There's coffee cake all over the chairs. -[Misha] Ew.
-Oh, my God. Misha likes sticky. -Shut up.
Uh, a cup of water and six Splendas for "Lo-Jay."
What the fuck is this?
I asked for light ice!
-Ma'am, this is a free drink. -Are you joking me right now?
Don't call me "ma'am." I'm not an old lady!
-I wanna talk to your manager! -I am the manager.
Well, then I wanna talk to the guy below you
so we can commiserate about what a fucking cunt you are!
All right. Hey, Gary, come over here.
Would you look at this.
Nick and Andrew and their seventh-grade snacks.
-Yum, yum! -Jay!
Relax, babe,
why would I go out for Munchkins when I got a doughnut machine at home?
Oh, my God, time to kiss the doughnuts!
America runs on Skumpy.
Holy snots, they're making out.
Yeah, they are. [laughs]
Yeah, that's what couples do in eighth grade,
or when, you know, eighth-graders are with seventh-graders.
As long as there's an eighth-grader present,
-frenching is on the menu. -And this is pressure.
I'm totally down to French kiss, Spanish fly,
-Dutch oven, fart in your mouth. -Misha!
-♪ Misha, slow your roll! ♪ -What?
Well, then, perhaps we should all go to my house tomorrow after school.
Hmm. Yes, for "office hours."
Jesus, Professor Boyfriend, I wanna fuck you.
No, Andrew, for a classic eighth-grade make-out party.
We're in, and we're totally gonna win this thing, ya turds!
Oh, my God, you wish!
I can't wait. I'm so scared.
We love hanging out with older kids.
Older?
Sweetheart, I will hold you down and spit in your mouth
like I did to that kid in kindergarten!
[panting] Oh, yeah? You'll spit in my pretty little mouth?
I really like Misha.
Wait, babe, was spitting in that kid's mouth what got you held back?
-No, Jay, it was way funnier than that! -Ugh!
A big pile of napkins for Steve!
And these are decaf, right?
'Cause I don't wanna stay up all night eating napkins.
Oh, man, is Greer flying her dad's private jet?
Ugh, my dad doesn't even have a private recumbent bike.
He shares it with a guy named Ian.
I just can't stop comparing and--
Despairing, I know! We should stop.
But then we'd have to get into that homework you don't understand.
Yeah. Maybe I'll just look
-at one or two more. -Good call.
Hey, guys, we're here at Starbucks with our seventh-grade honeys!
Are you fucking kidding? "Seventh-grade honeys"?
Looks like everyone is moving on and doing well without you.
Jay and Lola are dating now?
What's up, jerks?
I'm going to an exclusive eighth-grade orgy
with my old lady tomorrow.
Oh, my God, don't call me old!
And tag me in that.
[sighs] I have nothing and nobody.
-That's not true. You've got me. -Right, right.
And a stress zit on your upper lip.
Oh, shit, is everyone gonna think I have herpes now?
Oh, my God, you might.
And I sucked your blood. You gave me herpes.
-What? -Now I have to call my old partners.
Now, Nicky, you're gonna make sure
she achieves pleasure before you do, right?
You got it, Elliot.
One full orgasm before you even kiss her.
But is that even possible?
Of course! Your father once gave me an orgasm through a window.
I used a hair dryer and a CB radio.
Holy shit.
Kill the boy and fuck the parents.
I know, but shush.
So, tell us about this girl.
Do you like her?
Do you, Nicky?
Do you love her so much you hate everyone else?
Yeah! I mean, no.
But yeah, Misha's... you know…
-What is Misha again? -Shit, I don't know, short?
But the other one sings real nice. Make my titties pop out.
-Boop, boop. -[doorbell rings]
-Elliot, I think we should go upstairs. -[CB static hisses]
-[dryer blowing] -Reading you loud and clear, big mama.
[Diane laughs]
Hello, ladies.
Welcome to Tongue Town. [laughs]
Population, four.
Oh, yeah? Well, we just moved from Titty City.
We slid here on our own discharge.
How did they get here?
-Meesh! -What?
Nick, you have a beautiful home.
Oh, thanks so much.
Okay, enough pleasantries.
Why don't you follow my fat ass over to the sectional?
Oh, my God.
♪ This is really happening, Lord ♪
-Stop. Shh! -Stop!
They should sit close enough so the boys can high-five.
Yeah, but back to back so they don't make eye contact
and accidentally switch souls.
-So Leo DiCaprio and Lukas Haas rules? -Oh, classic Pussy Posse.
Rest in pussy, boys.
Rest in pussy.
I keep reading the same paragraph, and it makes less and less sense.
-Can I point something out? -Please.
-Everything's kinda crumbling around you. -Uh-huh.
And you're lying to everyone, and so you're going to have to remember
-all those lies. -Yeah.
-That doesn't feel good, right? -[knock on door]
Go away, Mom, I'm studying!
[purrs]
Hello, Jessi.
It's been too long.
Oh, shit.
Kitty Beaumont Bouchet, is that you?
Tito Taylor Thomas, as I live and breathe!
-[both chuckle] -You guys know each other?
Oh, we've been working together for ages.
Remember Van Gogh?
[in Dutch accent] I feel crazy!
[laughing] Oh, my God. I still have his earlobe in my locket!
Can you two please stop? I'm trying to study.
Aw, you know what helps me study?
Sleeping.
-Yeah, I do feel pretty exhausted. -[purrs]
Or even better, you could stare at the ceiling
and replay all the embarrassing things that happened at school.
-I'm already there. -It is so nice
to be working together again.
It doesn't even feel like work. We're just, you know...
[both] Emotionally crippling a young woman. Jinx!
-[both laugh] -[Jessi groans]
-[Andrew clears throat] -[laughs, clears throat]
I was laughing before that you're blazing in that sweater
whilst I'm sweating through this blazer.
I'm filled with all sorts of delightful observations.
[chuckles] Yeah. ♪ Your breath smells like tuna fish ♪
For your information, he just drank the water out of the can.
That's why he's got a big cut on his tongue.
-[squishing] -[Nick mumbles] Uh...
Misha, what are you doing with your fingers?
Yeah, you like that?
-No, you do not! -I don't know if I do.
-I can feel your cavities, you like that? -[Nick groans]
Hey, sorry! Andrew, do you have to go to the bathroom?
Indeed! Yes! Why don't you follow my fat ass to the powder room?
Ladies, we'll be right back.
Okay, better hurry up.
The corner of this couch is looking pretty good.
Oh, happy birthday, Mr. Sofa.
Hey. So I'm finding Misha a little terrifying.
Really? 'Cause I wanna be the corner of that couch right now.
And Izzy's kind of annoying.
Really? I like how she sings everything.
Ah! Should we...
I mean, switch?
-Fuck, yes! -Yes!
The little one's gonna suck every drop of tuna water out of you.
And the tall one's gonna write a song about Nick.
Yeah, but she's not gonna sing it. She's not a singer.
-It's true, the voice isn't there. -Yeah.
But her talent lies with songwriting.
I'm okay with switching if you are.
I think it's a great idea.
If we're both in agreement, then I think that covers everybody.
The motion passes!
-And I do for real have to go. -Okay.
What do you think, is an old baby-food jar full of olive oil
a good gift for a make-out party?
Honestly, yes, but I'm so not into this.
Babe, it's gonna be fun.
You know I want everybody to watch
while I tongue your throat clit with my mouth dick.
First of all, I want that on a T-shirt yesterday.
But I just don't feel like passing the so-called day
with those seventh-grade skanks.
How many times do I have to tell you, it's hot that you're old!
Stop calling me old!
Stop being sad!
Stop telling me how to feel!
-Babe! Fuck! -[glass shatters]
Why does being a hot cougar woman make you so sad?
Because I'm older than I normally should be.
And even though I was held back for a really funny reason,
one that would, like, redefine comedy,
it feels, like, bad to be the oldest in our grade!
Oh, wow.
I guess I had no idea you had so many feelings.
-Yeah. -That must suck.
Exactly. So it's like--
Babe, just the sound of your voice makes me horny.
You know exactly what to say.
Will you please tell me why you got held back?
Yes, the time has come for ultimate hilarity.
Okay. Oh, my God. [snorts, inhales]
So, like, one day, at recess...
Oh, my God, I am, like, not gonna be able to get through this.
[laughs]
I intentionally tripped a kid on the playground.
Think fast, Isaac!
And a metal spike pierced his skull
-and went, like, deep into his brain. -[gasping]
Jesus, babe...
[laughing] That is so fucking hilarious!
What an idiot!
[laughing] I know!
When it happened, I was like, a real record-scratch moment.
Yeah, I bet it was. Did he fucking die?
Honestly, if I tell you, it won't be as funny.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't ruin it.
Don't ruin this. Come here.
[moaning]
[hairdryer whirring]
Breaker, breaker, one nine. We've got a southbound climax
-right on the center divider. -[Diane] Oh, Elliot! Ten-four, good buddy!
Just made my wife cum, over.
[man] Copy that, Elliot. I just made it to Flagstaff. Over and out.
Hello, Misha. Make room.
Did you meesh me?
-What? -Oh, look where we find ourselves.
This feels better, doesn't it?
What are you doing? I'm supposed to be with Andrew.
Oh, no, no, no. It's cool.
We realized that I should be with you, and Andrew should be with Misha.
You see, we hated it the other way.
Oh, you-- you-- you hated it?
Yep, that's why we switched.
What about what we think?
Oh, well, I hate to do this 'cause, like, it's just kind of gauche,
but it is our show, so...
[chuckles] Your show?
-Yeah, Big Mouth. -Okay.
You guys are literally on our show.
-What? -Uh, Cafeteria Girls.
-♪ Cafeteria Girls ♪ -[audience cheering]
-♪ Kissing's off the menu ♪ -[audience applauding]
Who's cheering?
And you know what?
We might just be seventh-graders, Andrew Kent,
but you, Andrew, can't make out with us.
Well, joke's on you, sweetheart, 'cause that was a fake name.
-I fucking lied to you. -[audience booing]
-Now who's booing us? -Yeah, what's going on?
Turn the lights on, Bobby!
-[gasps] They don't have a ceiling. -That's right, bitch!
Our show's shot in front of a live studio audience!
-It is? -But this is my living room.
Go get 'em, Meesh!
[man] Orange County loves you!
And surprise, you guys are totally gross, and everybody knows it.
Yeah, I used to want to yum-yum on Nick's pelvic thumb--
-I know, fuck gremlin. -Fuck gremlin?
But now I wanna tear out his spine and shove it up my ass.
-[audience laughs] -I guess she's their hormone monster?
I'm a handful!
And yeah, we're younger, but we're learning.
-And you know what we learned this week? -Uh...
[both] We wanna go out with nice guys, not sloppy Joes!
-[audience cheers] -[Nick and Andrew groan]
My fuck blazer is ruined!
Where did they get sloppy Joes?
From Lunch Lady Eve, of course.
They drawed a bow on top of my head. So...
[man] Eve, I love you!
I love you too! Who said that?
Now let's go home
and see how much of your grandma's cane we can fit up your pussy!
-[audience laughs] -School's out, dorks!
[Jessi sighs]
I don't think you could handle another day at school.
I know. But I have to try, right?
-Do you? -Don't go in there. It's too hard!
[Jessi exhales]
That's the new girl, Jessi, right?
There's no way she's gonna last.
Jessi, what is this supposed to be?
Um, my homework.
Oh, really? Because it looks like you took a dump on a piece of paper
-and turned it in. -What?
-That's not gonna fly here. -No, I tried really hard!
Miss Glaser, they're here for you.
-Who's here for me? -[horn honks]
It's the Dummy Truck for losers, Jessi.
It's here to take you away to Dipshit Town.
-No. -You can't lie your way
out of this one, moron.
[gasps, groans]
-Fart! Whoo! -Did you just say "fart"?
I'm really dumb!
I don't wanna go to Dipshit Town!
Sorry, my dude, those are the breaks!
-Are these the brakes? -[revving]
-Where are the brakes? -[screams]
Okay, yeah, I'm definitely not going in there.
Of course you're not. It's not a safe place for a dummy loser.
Wanna walk down to Union Square
and watch them break down a farmers market?
No. [sighs]
-But I will. -Good girl. [purrs]
We literally just broke up with our eighth-grade boyfriends.
They're...
[both] ...so immature, it's crazy!
[audience laughs]
Oh, you're gonna shuck this boy's nuts out of his sack
and eat it with cocktail sauce.
Welcome to the yacht club, baby! [cackles]
♪ Cafeteria Girls A second helping of friendship ♪
I'm a handful!
Wow, I'm beginning to think we're not the center of the universe.
I guess we have to start treating girls like they're the stars of their own show.
Yeah, but, you know, like,
what's the target audience for Cafeteria Girls?
I know!
I mean, the main characters are kids, but the show is so filthy.
It's too much. And I like dirty stuff.
That fuck gremlin is really unpleasant.
It's uncalled for.
-You don't need to be gross to be funny. -You said it, Maury.
All right, I'm gonna go have sex with poop, then eat it.
-Sure. -Then shit it out
-and then fuck my own ass with it. -Okay, God bless.
Oh, should we unroll a chocolate croissant and just eat the chocolate?
Yes. That is a perfect idea.
Oh, skipping school.
-What? -Bad girl.
-No, I, um... -Relax.
-I'm just-- -Relax, I'm skipping too.
You learn more in the real world than you ever could in a classroom.
Totally, yeah. That's true.
I'm Michael Angelo, by the way.
Like the artist, not the ninja frog.
-You mean turtle? -[chuckles]
Yeah. I like you. Would you let me sketch you?
[sighs] Okay.
Cowabung-hole!
-No, I hate water! -[Tito] I can't swim!
I'm riding a wave of my own discharge!
You're back!
Of course, this boy is hot!
Talk to him!
Hi! Hello, I'm Jessi.
Why did I curtsy?
'Cause you're getting an eyeline on that dick.
-Wanna have a seat? -Yes, please!
Right on his fucking face!
Okay, where should I put my backpack?
On my lap? On my head?
[chuckles] Just kidding. Fuck.
Whatever you do is perfect.
Oooh!
Breaker, breaker, one nine, I just came again.
[man] Copy that, Connie, I just made it to San Diego.
First time seeing the ocean.
Boy, it is beautiful.
[upbeat music playing]
♪ Cafeteria Girls Life is their tray-hey-hey! ♪
♪ They're saving you a seat at the table ♪
♪ It's all fish sticks, friends and fun ♪
♪ And they're doling out laughs By the ladle ♪
♪ They got your midday blues on the run ♪
♪ Lunch Lady Eve will be wearing a dress ♪
♪ And the fuck gremlin Will be bringing the sex ♪
-[gremlin] I'm a handful. -[audience laughs]
♪ Cafeteria Girls Life is their tray-hey-hey! ♪
[audience cheering]
♪ Ooooh ♪
-[man] Fathouse. -[ticking]
[man laughs] "Good at Bizness."
-[man] Chirp. -[kazoo plays]
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