1 00:00:09,884 --> 00:00:14,314 Listen up, everybody. The 9/11 Museum is a serious place, 2 00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:17,769 and I know it's the new thing, but please, please, 3 00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:20,151 -no gummy arms today. -[students laughing] 4 00:00:20,228 --> 00:00:22,308 What about gummy chest hair? 5 00:00:22,397 --> 00:00:24,817 Mamma mia, Lumpy likey. 6 00:00:24,899 --> 00:00:27,189 ♪ Happy birthday to me ♪ 7 00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:29,397 ♪ Happy birthday to me ♪ 8 00:00:29,487 --> 00:00:32,777 ♪ Happy birthday to... ♪ [hums] 9 00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:35,696 ♪ Happy birthday to me ♪ 10 00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:38,575 Oh, my God, Steve! You were born on September 11th? 11 00:00:38,663 --> 00:00:39,833 Yeah, today. 12 00:00:39,914 --> 00:00:42,464 Can you believe they did a whole museum 13 00:00:42,542 --> 00:00:45,002 for when I dropped out of my mommy's sweetie? 14 00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:49,376 Okay. So even accepting that that's what the 9/11 Museum is for, 15 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:52,926 you really think our whole grade loaded  into a bus 16 00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:54,101 to celebrate your birthday? 17 00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:56,849 I can't tell you, or my wish won't come true. 18 00:00:56,931 --> 00:01:00,271 My wish is that I tinkled before the bus ride. 19 00:01:00,351 --> 00:01:03,311 Ooh! My stomach has a headache. 20 00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:05,476 This is Jessi's new boyfriend, I guess. 21 00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:06,645 Oh, Lord! 22 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,323 This guy's sensual and deep. 23 00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:12,071 If I'm Diane Lane, I am cheating on my mean old husband with this one. 24 00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:13,695 Spray-painting shirtless? 25 00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:15,372 Ugh! So thirsty. 26 00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:17,370 I know. It's like, ditch the pants already. 27 00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:20,662 What, is he sweating in that picture? Click on that. Screen-grab it. 28 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:23,877 Now email it to my secret account, then delete it from Sent Items. Whatever. 29 00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:26,628 I'm gonna text Jessi. We should all meet up in the city. 30 00:01:26,711 --> 00:01:28,841 Ugh. If they're forcing us to meet Michael Angelo, 31 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,132 let's just get it over with. 32 00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:33,045 Yeah! I mean, he'll sit on your chest, you'll sit on his. 33 00:01:33,134 --> 00:01:33,974 Who cares? 34 00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:36,352 Just send the goddamn picture already. 35 00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,139 Fucking send it. Whatever. 36 00:01:38,223 --> 00:01:42,023 [laughs] Hey! Missy got her hair braided. The new look is tight. 37 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,232 Thanks, Devon! My head has been throbbing for weeks, 38 00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:46,482 so I actually really needed the positive reinforcement. 39 00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:48,024 Wow. So cute. 40 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,028 You have Black girl hair now. 41 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,990 I've never really thought of you as, like, a "Black" Black girl. 42 00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:56,831 Oh, it's cool how you found a way for a compliment to shake me to my core. 43 00:01:56,908 --> 00:02:00,578 Who the fuck made this little white bitch the authority on Blackness? 44 00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:02,162 Let's slit her fucking throat. 45 00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:04,667 Or, counter idea, 46 00:02:04,749 --> 00:02:08,209 we peel a kiwi and look down for the rest of the bus ride? 47 00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:10,004 [both moaning, grunting] 48 00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:10,958 -Hey, babe. -What? 49 00:02:11,047 --> 00:02:12,507 -What's going on? -What do you mean? 50 00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:13,880 Well, you're not sucking my tongue 51 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:16,217 like it's gonna cum like a tiny little dick in my mouth, 52 00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:17,142 like you normally do. 53 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:22,060 I guess, like, 9/11 is a bit of a hot-button issue for me, and as such, 54 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,272 my mind happens to be elsewhere. 55 00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:25,692 9/11 makes everyone upset. 56 00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:28,360 -It makes me more upset, Jay! -Okay... 57 00:02:28,439 --> 00:02:31,189 I have a personal connection to the tragedy. 58 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:34,696 -I didn't know. -My mom's ex-boyfriend died in 9/11. 59 00:02:34,779 --> 00:02:36,779 Fuck! Was he in one of the towers? 60 00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:40,325 No, Jay. He was flying one of the planes. 61 00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:42,790 So... he was a pilot? 62 00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:45,421 Kind of. Like, towards the end he was. 63 00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:46,458 Oh. Wait a minute. 64 00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:48,671 ["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays] 65 00:02:48,751 --> 00:02:54,421 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 66 00:02:58,344 --> 00:03:04,234 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 67 00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:06,849 ♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 68 00:03:08,104 --> 00:03:11,614 ♪ Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪ 69 00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:20,452 [both kissing wetly] 70 00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:22,873 Mmm. You taste like a song. 71 00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:25,412 You taste like, um, tiramisu. 72 00:03:25,496 --> 00:03:26,326 That's my vape pen. 73 00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:27,834 -You know how to vape, right? -Yeah. 74 00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:31,336 You just put your lips together and suck until it lights up. 75 00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:33,299 [sighs] Connie, this is a lot. 76 00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:34,629 -Do it. -Really? 77 00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:36,514 Suck his Juul until it lights up, 78 00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:38,841 and you gotta put your pussy in a USB port. 79 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:40,597 Put it in a USB port? 80 00:03:40,678 --> 00:03:42,428 I don't know. I don't do computers. 81 00:03:42,513 --> 00:03:43,853 Just suck that electric dick. 82 00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:47,102 [inhales, coughs] Smooth. 83 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:49,185 It feels really good to smoke. Thank you. 84 00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:51,190 -Oh, shit. -What? What is it? 85 00:03:51,272 --> 00:03:53,022 It's inspiration tugging on my leg again. 86 00:03:53,107 --> 00:03:54,027 [Jessi] Okay. 87 00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:57,779 Oh, my God, he is so fucking hot. 88 00:03:57,862 --> 00:03:59,362 And as soon as he showed up, 89 00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:02,827 no more Depression Kitty, no more Anxiety Mosquito, 90 00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:04,739 no more Self-Harm Walrus. 91 00:04:04,827 --> 00:04:06,157 -Who's that? -Oh, nobody. 92 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,786 Don't worry about it. But do let me know if you see him. 93 00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:10,503 -[cell phone chimes] -Ooh, you got a text! 94 00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:13,633 Oh, cool. Nick and Andrew are on the way to the city. 95 00:04:13,711 --> 00:04:16,211 -[spray can hissing] -Hey, um... babers. 96 00:04:16,297 --> 00:04:18,087 My friends from home are in town. 97 00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:19,554 -Should we all, like, hang out? -Eh. 98 00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:21,014 Or is that, like, so dumb? 99 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:24,644 No, no, it's just, you know, suburban kids sound very, um... 100 00:04:24,722 --> 00:04:27,812 cola-and-potato-chips-rah-rah- at-the-baseball-match type of thing. 101 00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:29,272 Yeah, it's so rah-rah-at-the-baseball-match. 102 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:30,272 -Totally. -Yeah. 103 00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:34,613 It's dumb, but I'd still love for them to just, like, meet you and your art. 104 00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,071 Yeah, whatever you want, baby girl. 105 00:04:36,150 --> 00:04:40,320 -Ooh! He called you "baby girl." -Connie, what the hell are you doing? 106 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:42,945 -I'm plugging my pussy in the USB port. -Oh, God. 107 00:04:43,032 --> 00:04:45,412 I gotta be careful, though, 'cause when I updated my butthole, 108 00:04:45,493 --> 00:04:46,913 I lost all my contacts. 109 00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:51,619 Wow! So many people here to celebrate my birthday. 110 00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:53,498 I know. What a great turnout. 111 00:04:53,584 --> 00:04:54,674 Yay! 112 00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:57,382 So you really have no idea what happened here. 113 00:04:57,463 --> 00:04:59,763 -That's right. -Do the Twin Towers ring a bell? 114 00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:03,431 Georgetown's Alonzo Mourning and Dikembe Mutombo? 115 00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:06,351 The Twin Towers is another name for the World Trade Center. 116 00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:08,391 Shh! Caleb! I'm trying to fuck with Coach Steve. 117 00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:10,524 In light of the tragedy that occurred here, 118 00:05:10,601 --> 00:05:12,481 that seems insensitive at best. 119 00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:13,522 Oh, come on! 120 00:05:13,604 --> 00:05:15,864 9/11 happened before we were even born. 121 00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:18,780 Am I also supposed to care about Hurricane Katrina or Columbine? 122 00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:21,150 -Yes. -Relax, I'm just being funny. [chuckles] 123 00:05:21,237 --> 00:05:22,697 No one is laughing. 124 00:05:22,780 --> 00:05:23,950 Now, Steve... 125 00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:24,912 Yes, Matthew. 126 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,451 We're gonna do your birthday cake inside, 127 00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:31,995 so I need you to tell Ms. Benitez that 9/11 is an inside job. 128 00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:33,041 Okay. 129 00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:34,464 Hey, Ms. B. 130 00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:39,132 I'm supposed to tell you that cats are inside dogs. 131 00:05:39,213 --> 00:05:41,513 -That's very good, Steve. -Thank you. 132 00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:43,681 Okay, the teachers seem preoccupied, so let's get out of here. 133 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,010 Maury, come on. We're leaving. 134 00:05:45,094 --> 00:05:47,814 One sec, I just need to get one good shot of my boys 135 00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:49,349 in front of the reflecting pool. 136 00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:50,429 Hey, guys. 137 00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:53,186 Guys. No gummy arms. Not the place. 138 00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:55,059 -[camera clicks] -Eleven September. 139 00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:58,016 -Such a tragedy. -Yes. So much wasted flesh. 140 00:05:58,107 --> 00:06:00,777 Did you forget that we were fine young cannibals? 141 00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:03,200 It must drive you crazy... [chuckles] 142 00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:07,029 …that you cannot help any of your beloved characters from where you are. 143 00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:09,697 Wow, you look so great, babe. 144 00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:11,496 I don't wanna look great, 145 00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:13,959 I wanna look upset and sexy, 146 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:14,960 like Melania. 147 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,791 -Give me the phone. I will do it myself. -[camera clicks] 148 00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:20,046 -Oh, maybe my old look was more me. -[clears throat] 149 00:06:20,129 --> 00:06:21,879 -Hey, Missy. -Oh, hey, Devon. 150 00:06:21,964 --> 00:06:24,884 Look, I'm sorry Devin said that stupid shit about your hair on the bus. 151 00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:28,217 Yeah, it was not, um... 100. 152 00:06:28,304 --> 00:06:29,564 Sure, "100." 153 00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:33,139 It's just that I'm really struggling with my racial identity right now. 154 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,396 -Uh... -My mom's white. My dad's Black. 155 00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:38,728 I'm voiced by a white actress who's 37 years old. 156 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,525 Ugh! It's all very overwhelming. 157 00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:43,398 Yeah, I hear that. I'm secretly old as hell, but I'm-- 158 00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:47,236 Oh! My cousin Lena just invited me to a Jay-Z party. 159 00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:48,833 What's The Blueprint? 160 00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:50,408 What? Are you kidding me? 161 00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:54,003 The Blueprint is Jay-Z's album that came out, like, on 9/11. 162 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:54,960 We gotta go! 163 00:06:55,039 --> 00:06:56,669 I don't know if we should leave the group. 164 00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:58,579 Aka, I'm afraid to leave the group. 165 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,288 No, we gotta go. Come on! 166 00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:02,258 I wanna hang out with cool Black college kids. 167 00:07:02,338 --> 00:07:04,468 Well, it would be nice to see my cousin. 168 00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,629 But, uh... what about, um... 169 00:07:06,717 --> 00:07:08,797 -Devin? -No, she can't come! 170 00:07:08,886 --> 00:07:12,266 This party's for cool people, not rank-ass bitches. 171 00:07:12,348 --> 00:07:13,468 Don't worry, Missy, I got it. 172 00:07:14,058 --> 00:07:15,888 -[Devon] Wow! You look great! -[camera clicks] 173 00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:17,647 You're, like, way prettier than her. 174 00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:19,978 Yes, I know. Obviously. 175 00:07:20,064 --> 00:07:20,904 Let's go! 176 00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:23,402 Let's go,  while Coach Steven is distracted. 177 00:07:23,484 --> 00:07:27,954 Excuse me, ma'am. Your clothes look like the woods. So... 178 00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:31,370 -Guys, over here! -[in New York accent] New York Jessi! 179 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:35,251 Come on with the Mets, Jets, Knicks and Rangers already! 180 00:07:35,329 --> 00:07:38,249 [in New York accent] Hey, taxi, take me to pizza and put a bagel on it! 181 00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:41,962 -All right! -Stand clear of the closing doors, please! 182 00:07:42,044 --> 00:07:42,884 Hey, babe. 183 00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:46,842 [in sultry voice] Um, hey, babe. This is, like, Nick and Andrew. 184 00:07:46,924 --> 00:07:48,434 [speaking normally] What is that voice? 185 00:07:48,676 --> 00:07:51,256 -Oh, me, oh, my. Mm! -Okay. 186 00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:52,925 All right, well, we get it. 187 00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:55,184 She's your girlfriend.  You possess her. [chuckles] 188 00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:57,976 Sorry, some of us are feminists, so... Time's up! [chuckles] 189 00:07:58,102 --> 00:08:01,112 [mumbles] Be patient, Nick. Let's watch this play out a little. 190 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:03,359 Mm. He is pretty yummy, isn't he? 191 00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:04,481 What? No! 192 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,277 And what's with all those stupid pins? 193 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:09,490 I mean, "Vote" and "Anarchy"? I think those cancel each other out, right? 194 00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:11,122 Andrew, you should be taking notes. 195 00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:14,789 Oh, don't worry, I'm filming the whole  thing, Impractical Jokers style. 196 00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:18,119 We can get out of here if you wanna french the life out of our friend. 197 00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:19,036 Sorry, Nick. 198 00:08:19,123 --> 00:08:21,543 It's my bad, bruv. Can't keep my lips off her, you know? 199 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:23,876 Yeah, I actually do know. We made out once, so... 200 00:08:23,961 --> 00:08:25,381 -Brilliant. -It was pretty brilliant. 201 00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:28,173 So you understand what it's like, the intoxication of it all. 202 00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:30,507 I mean, she didn't say it was so intoxicating, but-- 203 00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:31,893 Nick, you can butt out right now. 204 00:08:31,969 --> 00:08:34,219 I'm in recovery. I'm not trying to get intoxicated as much. 205 00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:35,385 -Nick... -Good for you. 206 00:08:35,473 --> 00:08:39,443 Do I detect an accent, or are you just British to see me? 207 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,729 [imitates British accent]  Sir Andrew Glouberman. 208 00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:43,192 At your service, my liege. 209 00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:44,322 Hey, what's up with Jessi? 210 00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:47,188 She's smoking and talking all weird around this poser. 211 00:08:47,276 --> 00:08:50,656 Yeah, who does this delicious piece of shit think he is? 212 00:08:50,738 --> 00:08:52,028 -Did you say "delicious"? -Yeah! 213 00:08:52,114 --> 00:08:56,244 With his curly, brown hair looking  like cute little popcorn shrimps. Mm! 214 00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:57,407 What are you talking about? 215 00:08:57,495 --> 00:08:58,825 Oh, Nicholas, my bad. 216 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:02,003 Yeah, he's a poser, is how...  is how you feel. 217 00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:04,093 Yeah, that's how I feel. Is that how you feel? 218 00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:05,588 Of... of course. 219 00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,340 -[inhales] -Hubba, hubba. 220 00:09:07,421 --> 00:09:08,671 Look at those lips. 221 00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:12,926 Yeah, and check out them stupid fuckin' pins on his jacket. 222 00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:14,260 They're not stupid. 223 00:09:14,345 --> 00:09:16,505 One says, "Kill your television." That's cool. 224 00:09:16,597 --> 00:09:18,387 But another one says "Comcast." 225 00:09:18,474 --> 00:09:21,734 He's probably making, like, a statement. What is your problem? 226 00:09:21,811 --> 00:09:23,191 I didn't sleep so good last night. 227 00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:26,651 -My Airbnb's above a Barry's Bootcamp. -Okay. 228 00:09:26,732 --> 00:09:31,242 I heard a marketing executive blow out her knee this morning doing lunges. 229 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,070 -So? -Then they shot her, Jessi! 230 00:09:33,155 --> 00:09:34,615 Alison is dead! 231 00:09:34,699 --> 00:09:37,489 But I'll try to do better with your Michael Angelo situation. 232 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:41,327 Holy Scott Foley, I can't believe we're being so Whiskey Cavalier 233 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,504 about sneaking away from a field trip! 234 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,503 [laughs] I'm gonna need you to calm down. 235 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:46,455 Hey, my bad, big dawg. 236 00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:48,344 Ain't nothin', bro, you didn't even scuff the Forces. 237 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,461 Shit, I'd have gave myself the fade right quick. 238 00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:53,218 You're stupid, bro. On God, though, I'm trying to get like you. 239 00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:55,761 Nah, I'm trying to get like you. Yo, stay up, fam. 240 00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:56,675 Stay up, bro. 241 00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,642 I've never heard you talk  like that before. 242 00:09:58,723 --> 00:09:59,893 How do you talk to Black people? 243 00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:02,734 -The same way I talk to white people. -[laughs] 244 00:10:02,810 --> 00:10:03,770 -What? -Are you serious? 245 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,063 You don't have one of these? 246 00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:06,476 -What? -You don't have a code switch? 247 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,734 No. How does a code switch work? 248 00:10:08,816 --> 00:10:11,396 Well, it's a little tricky, but let me break it down for you. 249 00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:16,986 ♪ As a Black kid you gotta learn This handy trick of social self-defense ♪ 250 00:10:17,074 --> 00:10:19,584 ♪ You switch up your speak And give your manner a tweak ♪ 251 00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:22,040 ♪ Depending on the audience ♪ 252 00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,711 ♪ I'll be Will Smith witty Or cool like Diddy ♪ 253 00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:26,880 ♪ Or affable as you please ♪ 254 00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:29,669 ♪ 'Cause when you're young and Black You develop a knack ♪ 255 00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:31,884 ♪ For putting the world at ease ♪ 256 00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:34,224 ♪ It's called code-switchin' ♪ 257 00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:37,050 ♪ And I'm a master of the dial ♪ 258 00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:41,016 ♪ I've got a different me For every situation ♪ 259 00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:44,314 ♪ No matter Black, white, old, or young ♪ 260 00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:47,153 ♪ I can tune in to your tongue ♪ 261 00:10:47,229 --> 00:10:49,149 ♪ And nobody can tell ♪ 262 00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:53,861 ♪ Which one's the real me, yeah ♪ 263 00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:57,202 ♪ For those timid white suburban moms ♪ 264 00:10:57,281 --> 00:10:59,581 ♪ I'm humble, saccharine-sweet ♪ 265 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:02,409 ♪ Just a skinny Kenan Thompson, ma'am ♪ 266 00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,745 ♪ No need to cross the street ♪ 267 00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,753 ♪ For older Blacks, I'll dial it back ♪ 268 00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:10,543 ♪ Play the respectful grandson role ♪ 269 00:11:10,628 --> 00:11:13,508 ♪ They don't care for rap Or hip-hoppity crap ♪ 270 00:11:13,589 --> 00:11:16,339 ♪ So I'm warm as Motown soul ♪ 271 00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:19,175 ♪ And I can charm The old-school Italian cats ♪ 272 00:11:19,261 --> 00:11:22,221 ♪ With a smile like Sammy Davis ♪ 273 00:11:22,306 --> 00:11:25,176 ♪ But I always know that as soon as I go ♪ 274 00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:28,057 ♪ They go straight back To stone-cold racist ♪  275 00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,148 ♪ Code-switchin' ♪ 276 00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:33,902 ♪ Got the whole world on my dial ♪ 277 00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:35,864 ♪ And it's anybody's guess ♪ 278 00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:38,855 ♪ Which one is me ♪ 279 00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,738 That was incredible! 280 00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:42,985 Did I see a setting that says "pretzels"? 281 00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:44,947 Hell, yeah! Yo, what's up, pretz? 282 00:11:45,037 --> 00:11:46,077 [screams] 283 00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:50,043 -I'm so fucking twisted! -[heavy metal music plays] 284 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:53,297 Caleb, do you know where Coach Steve is? 285 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:54,879 I haven't seen him since I told him 286 00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:56,634 he could go swimming in the reflecting pool. 287 00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,006 You should stop making fun of 9/11. 288 00:11:59,093 --> 00:11:59,973 No, no, no, no. 289 00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:03,062 I'm making fun of Steve, the 9/11 of people. 290 00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:05,679 [woman over PA] Could Matthew come  to the front desk please 291 00:12:05,766 --> 00:12:07,346 and pick up your bestest friend? 292 00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:09,265 I think we found the birthday boy. 293 00:12:09,353 --> 00:12:10,353 [sobbing] 294 00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:12,648 Hello, I'm Matthew. 295 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:13,902 Hi, Matthew. 296 00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,863 Yeah, he shouldn't be wandering around the museum 297 00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:17,363 -without a guardian. -Sorry about that. 298 00:12:17,445 --> 00:12:19,405 Steve, are you crying because you were lost? 299 00:12:19,488 --> 00:12:23,408 Yeah, and 'cause I ate too many commemorative keychains. 300 00:12:23,492 --> 00:12:28,122 -Sure. -And also, then I found out about 9/11. 301 00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:31,455 Did you know all those people died on my birthday? 302 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:32,882 I-- yes. 303 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,960 And you didn't tell me? Why? 304 00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:38,415 Well, I thought it was funny, but now I'm not so sure. 305 00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:39,837 Kind of like Ace Ventura. 306 00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:42,755 Wait, my birthday's an American tragedy 307 00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:45,715 and Ace Ventura's not funny? 308 00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:49,016 This is the worst day of my entire life. 309 00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:51,269 Oh, man, I get it. 310 00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:53,023 We're all the child. 311 00:12:53,105 --> 00:12:55,145 And your news media's the fucking spoon, innit? 312 00:12:55,232 --> 00:12:57,692 I'll fuck a spoon if you watch, guv'nor. 313 00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,567 It's lucky you guys had the day off today. 314 00:12:59,653 --> 00:13:01,243 Well, actually, we kind of... [chuckles] 315 00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:02,992 We kinda made our own luck. We ditched. 316 00:13:03,073 --> 00:13:04,033 You skipped school? 317 00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:06,576 Yeah. Jessi Brown, not present. [laughs] 318 00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:08,660 Jessi Brown? Her last name is Glaser. 319 00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:09,616 No, it's not, mate. 320 00:13:09,705 --> 00:13:11,865 -Hey, Jessi, what's your surname? -Yeah, tell us, Jessi. 321 00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:13,917 It's honestly not important. 322 00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:15,961 He can call you whatever he wants. 323 00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:19,005 Even though it's kinda insane he thinks your last name is Brown. 324 00:13:19,089 --> 00:13:22,049 He knows me, he doesn't have to know my name. 325 00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:23,724 That's a low bar, Jessi Brown. 326 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:26,063 Could you just shut up and be horny? Isn't that your job? 327 00:13:26,138 --> 00:13:29,348 Hey! You don't come to my work and slap the dick out of my mouth. 328 00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:31,983 See, the media is the spoon, do you get it? 'Cause I got it. 329 00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:33,151 None of this means anything. 330 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:35,439 He's a phony who doesn't even know Jessi's name. 331 00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:37,533 He doesn't have to know her name. He knows her! 332 00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:39,108 Why are you defending him? 333 00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:42,533 Hey! I don't come to your dick and slap the house out of your mouth! 334 00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:44,073 -Hey, Connie? Quick pow-wow. -Yeah? 335 00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:45,196 You seem a little... 336 00:13:45,282 --> 00:13:47,742 I think the technical term is "fatutzed"? 337 00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,697 Yeah, yeah, I'm overwhelmed, Maury. 338 00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:51,787 -How's your blood shuggie? -It's low, I guess. 339 00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:53,832 -It's just, I got these two kids... -Yeah. 340 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:56,746 Alison was executed at the boot camp-- 341 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,996 -It's too much, Connie. -It's too much! 342 00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:00,588 I know. I mean, look at me. 343 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:04,093 I've got Andrew, he's a jack-off machine, it's easy. 344 00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:07,176 And Matthew, well, he's more of a friend at this point. 345 00:14:07,263 --> 00:14:09,643 And Nick, he doesn't like Jessi's boyfriend. 346 00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:11,143 Oh, that's 'cause, well, 'cause he likes her. 347 00:14:11,225 --> 00:14:12,635 -He what now? -Oh, Connie, 348 00:14:12,726 --> 00:14:14,726 it's clear as the dick on my face. 349 00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:16,482 Nicorice likes Jennifer. 350 00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,114 Let's roll the tape, boys. 351 00:14:18,607 --> 00:14:21,317 We get it. She's your girlfriend. You possess her. [chuckles] 352 00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:24,572 Look at that stare, his little fists balled up. 353 00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:26,275 That's a jealous boy. 354 00:14:26,365 --> 00:14:29,325 Oh, shit, Maury. You're right! 355 00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:31,290 How could I be so blind? 356 00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:34,250 Oh, wait, here's my student film I did when I went to Columbia. 357 00:14:34,331 --> 00:14:35,251 This shit again? 358 00:14:35,332 --> 00:14:37,252 I was very attracted to that actress. 359 00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:39,464 -I gave her so many notes. -[gun cocks] 360 00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:40,795 That was a real gun. 361 00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:43,337 Whoa, wait, wait, wait. 362 00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:45,434 Sorry, I'm just-- I'm a little nervous. 363 00:14:45,509 --> 00:14:47,299 I've never been to a college party before. 364 00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:49,216 There's gonna be ass and chardonnay. 365 00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:52,135 That's why I'm dialing my switch up all the way to here! 366 00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:53,766 "Supa dupa Black"? 367 00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:56,021 Yeah, this party's gonna be like a Jay-Z music video. 368 00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:59,273 [hip hop music playing] 369 00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:07,446 Holy honkers! A pool in a boat in a pool on a building? 370 00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:09,871 Well, that explains why NYU is so expensive. 371 00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:11,660 Yo, this party's gonna be so fire. 372 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:14,374 Yeah, everybody's gonna get burnt up to a crisp, 373 00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:15,955 and there'll be flames coming out of-- 374 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,210 I don't know. I wish I had one of those code switches. 375 00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:19,502 Don't even worry about it. I got you. 376 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:21,165 I'm about to be Black enough for both of us. 377 00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:23,513 -Okay. -I'm going buck-fucking-wild up there! 378 00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:27,469 Again, did you say "butt fucking"? Or are you saying "buck fucking"? 379 00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:30,471 I'm fine with either, I just-- I wanna know what the vibe is. 380 00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:34,055 Yo, cousin! And you got a little homie with you. 381 00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:37,731 Hey, Lena. I hope it's okay that I brought my classmate Devon. 382 00:15:37,811 --> 00:15:39,691 Thought Bridgeton didn't have other Black kids. 383 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:42,402 [scoffs] Naw, B, I hold it down up there. Trust! 384 00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:44,493 You holdin' down the mean streets of Westchester, big guy? 385 00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:49,738 On my mama, it's secured. I got the 9-1-4 on lock. It's handled, Ma. 386 00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:51,703 Okay, chill out with the Nick Cannon energy. 387 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,794 Devon isn't set to Nick Cannon. 388 00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:56,369 -He's actually set to supa dupa Black. -[Devon mumbles] 389 00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:58,915 He has this incredible thing called a code switch. 390 00:15:58,999 --> 00:16:01,289 -Missy, chill, chill. -Do you have a code switch, Lena? 391 00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:03,247 Hell, no, I broke that shit a long time ago. 392 00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,377 I only kept "Pretzels" 'cause their music is twisted. 393 00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:08,756 [screams] Break my body! 394 00:16:08,842 --> 00:16:10,592 Why'd you break it? It seems so useful. 395 00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,048 It's oppressive. 396 00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:14,137 -Aligning yourself with white norms -[bong gurgling] 397 00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:16,643 …just to be deemed a nonthreatening Black person? 398 00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:18,305 And it doesn't work the other way around. 399 00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:20,524 -Oh, that's true. -We gotta know about the Beatles, 400 00:16:20,604 --> 00:16:22,314 but they ain't gotta know shit about Jodeci. 401 00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:24,818 Now, if I had that point, I'd have said Bell Biv DeVoe. 402 00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,240 Now you know. [chuckles] 403 00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:27,988 That's all fine in theory. That's cute. 404 00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,950 But what about interviewing to get into college? 405 00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:31,950 Or trying to get a hand job from your white wife? 406 00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:33,832 No, no, no! That's some bullshit! 407 00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:36,829 Just because I'm a minority, I need to minimize my culture? 408 00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:41,712 Wow! What a gorgeous and spirited exchange of ideas! I love partying. 409 00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:44,292 I thought this was gonna be a Jay-Z video, 410 00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:46,918 not an episode of Dear White People. 411 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,086 No, shh! This is so much better. 412 00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:50,628 It feels like... 413 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:53,048 It feels like Wakanda! 414 00:16:53,887 --> 00:16:58,347 I refuse to soften my tone or remove slang from my vocabulary 415 00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:02,404 just to be compatible with a system  created on stolen land and slave labor! 416 00:17:02,479 --> 00:17:03,479 Ooh, yeah! Speak on it. 417 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:06,194 I'm gonna talk how I talk, like Ryan Coogler. 418 00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:07,855 He'll be on The View sounding Black as fuck. 419 00:17:07,943 --> 00:17:09,953 -Even Whoopi be confused. -Oh, please! 420 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:13,369 You think Ryan Coogler sounds the same at a cookout in East Oakland 421 00:17:13,449 --> 00:17:15,079 as he does in a boardroom at Disney? 422 00:17:15,159 --> 00:17:16,989 You know who doesn't code switch? 423 00:17:17,077 --> 00:17:18,997 Eeyore. He's always sad. 424 00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:21,459 Ooh, that's true. That donkey suffers. 425 00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:22,370 What about Jay-Z? 426 00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:23,458 What about HOV? 427 00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:25,712 You're celebrating him. He's the ultimate code-switcher! 428 00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:27,804 Look, man, code-switching is corny as shit. 429 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,220 I'm not corny. I'm super popular at school. 430 00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:32,299 Let's dissect this, though! 431 00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:33,594 Why do they like you? 432 00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:35,467 Because you fill the role as the cool Black kid 433 00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:37,014 in a suburban white middle school? 434 00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:39,347 You hoop? You know how to do the latest viral dance? 435 00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:41,193 You do the "woah" for them? 436 00:17:41,268 --> 00:17:43,438 -[knock on door] -Shh! You guys, hide the bong! 437 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:46,400 I don't give a shit! If that's the motherfucking RA, I'm about to-- 438 00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:47,322 Oh, hey, Nadia. 439 00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:49,399 Hey. Are we still going to Pinkberry later? 440 00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:51,315 You bet your bottom dollar we are. 441 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,073 -Yaas, queen. -Okay, go off. 442 00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:54,615 Okay, buss down. 443 00:17:55,657 --> 00:17:58,157 Don't you say a motherfucking word. Okay, this different. 444 00:17:58,243 --> 00:18:00,083 Why, 'cause you're code switching for pussy? 445 00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:01,912 -[all laughing] -She got you! 446 00:18:01,997 --> 00:18:04,417 Oh, my God, Missy just said "pussy" for the first time. 447 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,420 Oh! I did it! [laughs] 448 00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:08,500 I said "pussy." Ha! 449 00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:11,916 So is that a sheep, or is it a cloud? 450 00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:13,837 Either way, it's genius. 451 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:14,756 Stop. 452 00:18:14,843 --> 00:18:16,433 Stop right there. You're perfect. 453 00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,012 -[laughs] -You know it, too, don't you? 454 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,427 -You'll paint me like a French whore? -Yeah. 455 00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:23,056 -Should I take my shirt off? -Yes, you'll be his muse. 456 00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:24,233 Oh, monsieur! 457 00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:26,861 Lay naked on a silk sheet, eating papaya. 458 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:30,279 Oh, yeah,  and I'll still be wearing my socks. 459 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,689 So what do you think? 460 00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:35,358 -Think about what? -My boyfriend. Do you like him? 461 00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:36,277 -That guy? -Yeah. 462 00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:37,655 -That's your boyfriend? -Yes. 463 00:18:37,741 --> 00:18:40,291 Oh, I thought he said he was dating a girl named Jessi Brown. 464 00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:42,539 What's your deal? You're not being very supportive. 465 00:18:42,621 --> 00:18:45,831 What do you mean? We ditched a school trip and came to visit you, 466 00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:47,746 and now you're spending your whole time time making out with a guy 467 00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:48,785 who doesn't know your last name. 468 00:18:48,877 --> 00:18:51,507 Whoa, Nick, dial it back, you're sounding kinda jealous. 469 00:18:51,588 --> 00:18:53,798 I'm not jealous. I'm just looking out for my friend. 470 00:18:53,882 --> 00:18:56,302 Really? 'Cause I think you got a little upset 471 00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:59,555 when you saw Jessi making out  with that international hunk of mancakes. 472 00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:00,758 What? That's crazy. 473 00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:03,098 -Come on, man. You like her! -Huh? 474 00:19:03,183 --> 00:19:06,773 I'm your hormone monstress, baby. I know everything. 475 00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:09,984 I'm watching you when you sleep, when you pee-pee, when you poo-poo. 476 00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:11,855 What? You're watching me while I shit? 477 00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:13,242 Well, I'm into poo-poo. 478 00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:15,568 Okay, then, for, like, the sake of argument... 479 00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:18,074 -Mm-hmm. -...let's just say I did like Jessi. 480 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:21,907 What then? Would you tell her to dump Michael Angelo and get with me? 481 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:24,334 [chuckles] Nick, come on, you know I can't do that. 482 00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:26,503 Why not?  I know you're her hormone monstress! 483 00:19:26,623 --> 00:19:28,383 -Now, Nick-- -Tell her he fucking sucks! 484 00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:29,628 No, I won't do that. 485 00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:31,500 And you know what? I do not like your tone. 486 00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:34,507 -Well, I don't like your hair! -[gasps] You take that back. 487 00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:36,880 Oh, God, I-- I-- 488 00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:38,927 -No, Connie, don't cry. -[sobbing] 489 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,811 -Connie, please, I'm sorry-- -[retches] When I cry, I barf. 490 00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:43,139 Hey, guys, look at this! 491 00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:46,523 Michael Angelo put me in his dope-ass art! 492 00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:48,232 I'm an indictment of society. 493 00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:51,112 See? This guy's an asshole. He's got Andrew eating shit. 494 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,610 You're the only one who's mad. Andrew likes it. 495 00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:55,072 You're all under his spell! 496 00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:57,112 You're the sheep eating his shit! 497 00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,736 That's why it's brilliant. You can use it in every situation. 498 00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:02,623 -[imitates Michael Angelo] "Oh, can you?" -Don't talk to him like that! 499 00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:05,081 Sorry, babers.  He's too basic to understand 500 00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:07,412 how complex and intense your work is. 501 00:20:07,497 --> 00:20:10,037 -Happens all the time, love. -And that fucking voice! 502 00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:13,085 -What voice? -[mocking] "What voice? What voice?" 503 00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:15,800 The Jessi I knew would never dumb herself down for some guy! 504 00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:19,131 You're just pissed off because I have somebody, and you don't! 505 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,548 And you're just hooking up with some random asshole 506 00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:24,427 'cause you're all sad that your family's a fucked-up mess. 507 00:20:24,514 --> 00:20:25,474 Oh, eat shit. 508 00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:29,597 No, thanks, I'm not part of one of your boyfriend's fake-ass "art" pieces! 509 00:20:29,686 --> 00:20:31,226 Andrew, let's get the fuck out of here. 510 00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:33,113 Here's my e-mail, you know, 511 00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:36,650 if you ever wanna paint me getting pissed on by a computer, 512 00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:38,815 or pissed on by you and a group of your friends. 513 00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:40,114 -You're the artist. -Yeah. 514 00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:41,487 I'll do whatever you want. 515 00:20:41,573 --> 00:20:44,163 Man, today was just so dope! 516 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,293 Yeah, and I can't believe I said the p-word. 517 00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:49,000 Oh, I'm sorry if Lena made you look like kind of a pussy. 518 00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:50,831 [gasps] Whoa, I said it again! 519 00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:53,166 This is incredible. I am really changing. 520 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:54,422 She was kind of making sense. 521 00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:57,263 You know, being a fake version of myself is definitely corny. 522 00:20:57,339 --> 00:20:59,129 Yeah, but don't be hard on yourself. 523 00:20:59,216 --> 00:21:00,676 Sometimes you have to code switch, 524 00:21:00,759 --> 00:21:02,259 for safety or to get ahead 525 00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:04,854 -in this honky town. -[chuckles] I fuck with the new Missy. 526 00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:05,970 Really? 527 00:21:06,056 --> 00:21:08,976 You know, I just wish I could be myself around my friends more. 528 00:21:09,059 --> 00:21:10,769 You can always be yourself around me. 529 00:21:10,852 --> 00:21:12,602 Aw, thanks, Missy. 530 00:21:12,688 --> 00:21:14,728 Grab him and stick your tongue down his throat! 531 00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:18,025 Let's turn Ground Zero into Pound Zero! 532 00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:20,280 Wow, you are so inappropriate. 533 00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:21,202 That's my job. 534 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,320 And besides, I like Devon being my friend. 535 00:21:24,408 --> 00:21:26,618 But he's the coolest boy in school. 536 00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:30,502 And did you see his hot little nipples in the Wakanda sequence? 537 00:21:30,580 --> 00:21:34,170 Mona, you know I did, but he's a married man. 538 00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:37,301 Hmm. So was Robert Plant when he took my virginity. 539 00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:40,758 Come on, everybody, get on the big, yellow car. 540 00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:42,971 Oh, hey, Steve! We never got off the bus. 541 00:21:43,051 --> 00:21:45,181 Yeah, we actually got off in the bus. 542 00:21:45,262 --> 00:21:47,972 We rubbed fronts until I cheesed into a hole in the seat. 543 00:21:48,056 --> 00:21:51,136 Aw, I'm happy for you, Jay, but I'm sad for me. 544 00:21:51,226 --> 00:21:53,306 I'm sorry. Did you not have a good birthday? 545 00:21:53,395 --> 00:21:56,055 I'm never gonna celebrate my birthday ever again. 546 00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:58,148 You ruined Coach Steve's birthday. 547 00:21:58,233 --> 00:21:59,443 I know that, Caleb. 548 00:21:59,526 --> 00:22:01,736 Also, I got rock candy from the gift shop. 549 00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:03,780 -[Devon] Hey, I love basketball. -[camera clicking] 550 00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:05,124 Those pictures of you are great. 551 00:22:05,198 --> 00:22:06,698 Are you sure? What about this one? 552 00:22:06,783 --> 00:22:09,913 It's kind of fucked up you spent the whole day at the 9/11 Museum 553 00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:11,865 -taking selfies. -What the hell, Devon? 554 00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:14,915 You were the perfect husband all day, and now you ruined it right at the end? 555 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,250 -[Devon scoffs] -Can I help you, Missy? 556 00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:20,086 Do you and your little braids have something to say? 557 00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:23,632 Um, yeah.  As a matter of fact, I do. 558 00:22:23,717 --> 00:22:26,137 You don't get to talk about the way I look! 559 00:22:26,219 --> 00:22:29,179 And you sure as fuck... Yeah, I said the f-word! 560 00:22:29,264 --> 00:22:31,684 ...don't get to tell me how Black I am! 561 00:22:31,767 --> 00:22:35,097 -What? -That's right, you rank-ass bitch! 562 00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:39,647 I'm keepin' it 98, plus a one, and a two! 563 00:22:39,733 --> 00:22:42,533 -[all laughing] -Oh, shit. Now, that's 100. 564 00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:46,280 [Jessi] So, how many of these are you gonna do? 565 00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:48,525 Babe, don't interrupt me while I'm creating. 566 00:22:48,617 --> 00:22:51,657 Would you ask the other Michelangelo how many Mona Lisas he's gonna make? 567 00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:54,455 -I think that was Da Vinci. -I think you're interrupting me again. 568 00:22:54,539 --> 00:22:57,209 Oh, no. Is it possible Nick was right? 569 00:22:57,292 --> 00:22:58,962 [sighs] Is Michael Angelo a bad guy? 570 00:22:59,044 --> 00:23:00,754 I don't wanna get in the middle of this shit, 571 00:23:00,837 --> 00:23:03,627 but I will say Nick's got a dark fuckin' heart 572 00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:05,125 and a mean, shitty soul 573 00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:06,967 and fucked-up opinions about hair. 574 00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:07,892 You're right. 575 00:23:07,969 --> 00:23:09,679 He's an asshole. Thank you. 576 00:23:09,763 --> 00:23:11,813 I don't know, I think maybe Nick has a point. 577 00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:13,560 Oh, shit. She's back? 578 00:23:13,642 --> 00:23:16,482 But she can't break up with Michael Angelo. 579 00:23:16,561 --> 00:23:17,731 Then she'll have nothing. 580 00:23:17,813 --> 00:23:19,943 Come on! Not Kitty, too. 581 00:23:20,023 --> 00:23:21,273 -Shit! -Oh, God. 582 00:23:21,358 --> 00:23:22,188 Kitty's right. 583 00:23:22,275 --> 00:23:25,315 You don't go to school anymore. You don't have friends! 584 00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:28,494 We gotta hold onto Michael Angelo for dear life... 585 00:23:28,573 --> 00:23:30,833 [sighs] I think they're right, Connie. 586 00:23:30,909 --> 00:23:31,989 All right, baby. 587 00:23:32,077 --> 00:23:35,157 Well, there's just one thing I gotta do. 588 00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,417 Okay, everybody, come on. Up here, up here. 589 00:23:37,499 --> 00:23:39,129 Hey, Nick. Can we talk? 590 00:23:39,209 --> 00:23:42,339 About what? How hot and cool and mysterious Michael Angelo is? 591 00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:44,381 No, honey, we need to talk about us. 592 00:23:44,464 --> 00:23:47,434 -Fine, let's just do it on the bus. -I'm not getting on the bus, sweetie. 593 00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:49,259 Why, 'cause it smells like BO and jizz? 594 00:23:49,344 --> 00:23:51,974 No, those are my favorite smells. You know that. 595 00:23:52,055 --> 00:23:54,095 No. Nick, I can't do this. 596 00:23:54,182 --> 00:23:55,932 Uh, what do you mean? 597 00:23:56,017 --> 00:23:58,187 I mean I can't be your hormone monstress anymore. 598 00:23:58,270 --> 00:23:59,940 Oh, come on. We had one fight! 599 00:24:00,021 --> 00:24:01,521 Is this about the hair comment? 600 00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:02,856 -Look, I'm sorry. -No. 601 00:24:02,941 --> 00:24:05,531 It's not that. Although, motherfucker-- 602 00:24:06,570 --> 00:24:07,400 Hey. 603 00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:10,488 Listen, we had some great times together, 604 00:24:10,574 --> 00:24:13,914 and I know you're gonna make some other monster really, really happy. 605 00:24:13,994 --> 00:24:15,254 Hold on! 606 00:24:15,620 --> 00:24:17,660 Are you, like, breaking up with me right now? 607 00:24:17,747 --> 00:24:18,787 Is this because of Jessi? 608 00:24:18,874 --> 00:24:20,214 I was with her first. 609 00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:21,592 It's a conflict of interest-- 610 00:24:21,668 --> 00:24:23,088 Fine! You know what? Let's break up. 611 00:24:23,170 --> 00:24:24,800 Look, I think you're a wonderful boy-- 612 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:25,920 Oh, thank you. 613 00:24:26,006 --> 00:24:28,376 You know what? You don't get to be nice to me now, Connie. 614 00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:30,217 That's not how this works, and FYI, 615 00:24:30,302 --> 00:24:32,182 -we won't be friends after this. -Wait, come on. 616 00:24:32,262 --> 00:24:34,932 Don't contact me on my birthday. I'm not rooting for you. 617 00:24:35,015 --> 00:24:37,015 If anyone asks, I'm gonna say bad stuff about you. 618 00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:39,020 -I can tell you're upset-- -I'm not upset! 619 00:24:39,102 --> 00:24:40,692 Actually, Connie, I'm relieved. 620 00:24:40,770 --> 00:24:43,020 'Cause I don't need you and I don't need anybody. 621 00:24:43,106 --> 00:24:44,066 Okay, fine. 622 00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:45,726 Goodbye, Nick. 623 00:24:45,817 --> 00:24:47,857 Fuck you, Connie. Your hair's dry, use conditioner. 624 00:24:47,944 --> 00:24:50,744 You don't mean that! My hair is fantastic. 625 00:24:52,073 --> 00:24:53,163 [moans] 626 00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:57,577 Everybody, there's a very sweet man on this bus... 627 00:24:57,662 --> 00:24:59,122 Is his name Thomas Donut? 628 00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,286 ...who no matter what happens to him... 629 00:25:01,374 --> 00:25:03,464 Something happened to Thomas Donut? 630 00:25:03,543 --> 00:25:04,963 ...always stays positive... 631 00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:06,755 Oh, he means Magic Johnson. 632 00:25:06,838 --> 00:25:08,918 ...and he would never be mean  to anybody... 633 00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:10,257 Alex Baldwin. 634 00:25:10,342 --> 00:25:12,302 ...and it's his birthday today. 635 00:25:12,385 --> 00:25:14,135 It's Alex Baldwin's birthday? 636 00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:15,971 It's you, Steve. 637 00:25:16,056 --> 00:25:17,516 ♪ Happy birthday to-- ♪ 638 00:25:17,599 --> 00:25:20,309 No, no, no! I'm not gonna celebrate my birthday anymore. 639 00:25:20,393 --> 00:25:21,983 But we have to, Steve. 640 00:25:22,062 --> 00:25:24,772 Because if we don't, then the terrorists win. 641 00:25:24,856 --> 00:25:26,316 Whoa! 642 00:25:26,399 --> 00:25:27,939 We can't let that happen! 643 00:25:28,026 --> 00:25:29,276 [Lola] Um, excuse me! 644 00:25:29,361 --> 00:25:31,951 But, like, when you actually think  about it... 645 00:25:32,030 --> 00:25:32,860 Uh-oh. 646 00:25:32,948 --> 00:25:34,618 ...given their stated goals, and the way 647 00:25:34,699 --> 00:25:39,289 in which America's foreign policy has become increasingly isolationist... 648 00:25:39,371 --> 00:25:40,661 -Oh, boy. -...it's fair to say 649 00:25:40,747 --> 00:25:44,877 that the terrorists, like, did, in fact, very much win. 650 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:46,550 Happy 9/11, everybody! 651 00:25:46,628 --> 00:25:47,498 [chuckles nervously] 652 00:25:47,587 --> 00:25:50,337 ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ 653 00:25:50,423 --> 00:25:52,973 ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ 654 00:25:53,051 --> 00:25:56,891 -♪ Happy birthday, Thomas Donut ♪ -♪ Happy birthday, Coach Steve ♪ 655 00:25:56,972 --> 00:25:59,102 ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ 656 00:25:59,182 --> 00:26:01,232 -[groans] -[Tito buzzes] 657 00:26:01,309 --> 00:26:02,979 -["Bury a Friend" playing] -♪ I wanna end me ♪ 658 00:26:03,061 --> 00:26:06,521 ♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna end me ♪ 659 00:26:06,606 --> 00:26:09,316 ♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ♪ 660 00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:13,111 ♪ What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me? ♪ 661 00:26:13,196 --> 00:26:16,656 ♪ What are you wondering?  What do you know? ♪ 662 00:26:17,158 --> 00:26:21,198 ♪ Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me? ♪ 663 00:26:21,288 --> 00:26:24,578 ♪ When we all fall asleep Where do we go? ♪ 664 00:26:25,625 --> 00:26:28,375 -♪ Listen ♪ -♪ Keep you in the dark ♪ 665 00:26:29,087 --> 00:26:32,007 ♪ What had you expected? Me to make you my art ♪ 666 00:26:32,090 --> 00:26:34,300 ♪ And make you a star And get you connected? ♪ 667 00:26:34,384 --> 00:26:38,474 ♪ I'll meet you in the park I'll be calm and collected ♪ 668 00:26:38,555 --> 00:26:41,095 ♪ But we knew right from the start  That you'd fall apart ♪ 669 00:26:41,182 --> 00:26:42,562 ♪ 'Cause I'm too expensive ♪ 670 00:26:42,642 --> 00:26:45,562 ♪ It's probably something  That shouldn't be said out loud ♪ 671 00:26:48,356 --> 00:26:49,766 [kazoo plays] 672 00:26:50,358 --> 00:26:52,278 -[man] Fathouse. -[ticking] 673 00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:55,280 -[man] Chirp. -[man 2 laughs] "Good at Bizness."