1 00:00:08,341 --> 00:00:09,259 [belt unbuckles] 2 00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:10,301 [unzipping] 3 00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:16,516 [Andrew] As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to jerk off. 4 00:00:16,599 --> 00:00:17,475 [moans] 5 00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:22,605 To me, where I grew up, see, jerking off was better than sex, 6 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:26,401 which none of us had had because we were kids, God damn it! 7 00:00:26,484 --> 00:00:30,321 By Season 5, every character was diddling their De Niro. 8 00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:33,575 I'd whack off for two hours till my dick was bright red. 9 00:00:33,658 --> 00:00:35,952 Then I'd stop for 20 minutes and start over again. 10 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,329 It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. 11 00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:41,207 My best friend, Little Nicky Birch, he had it bad 12 00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,293 for this redhead firecracker named Jessi. 13 00:00:43,376 --> 00:00:47,630 Now, Jessi, she was busy rubbing her stub to Little Nicky's big brother Judd, 14 00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:49,841 which was her big secret, all right? 15 00:00:49,924 --> 00:00:53,219 I only know about it because I'm the narrator. 16 00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:55,305 And then there was Missy. 17 00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:58,683 She was worm-squirming to God knows who, but she was doing it. 18 00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:00,935 -And how could I forget Jay? -[snoring] 19 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,354 We called him Jay because that was his name. 20 00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:07,567 He used to be the best pillow fucker in the tri-state area. 21 00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:10,320 But Jay, he went and did the one thing 22 00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:13,364 -no jerker-offer is ever supposed to do. -[sighs] 23 00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:14,657 He fell in love. 24 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:16,951 And those are just some of the intimate 25 00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:21,748 and very hurtful things that I'm thrilled to reveal about Jay Bilzerian. 26 00:01:21,831 --> 00:01:24,959 Now, swipe up for a video of Jay taking a painful dump 27 00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:26,878 and saying his shits are too sharp. 28 00:01:26,961 --> 00:01:28,546 What the fuck, Lola? 29 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,882 Sending my sharp shit video around? [yells] 30 00:01:30,965 --> 00:01:33,927 This war with Lola is driving you crazy, Jay. 31 00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:36,471 Want me to blow you with an ice cube in my mouth? 32 00:01:36,554 --> 00:01:38,223 Would that make you feel better? 33 00:01:38,306 --> 00:01:42,435 Yeah, it would, Brad, but I gotta be at school like half an hour ago, so… 34 00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:45,105 I'll be quick, sweetie. Now give baby his binky. 35 00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:46,064 Oh, yeah! 36 00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:47,649 -Goo-goo, ga-ga. -Okay… 37 00:01:47,732 --> 00:01:49,317 I got two hard teeth coming in. 38 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,069 -Yeah! -Both on the bottom. 39 00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:53,404 -Yeah! That's what I deserve. -[knock at door] 40 00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:56,658 Shit! Mom, not now! I'm getting blown in here! 41 00:01:56,741 --> 00:01:58,076 [yells] What do you want? 42 00:01:58,159 --> 00:02:00,370 [Lola's voice] Look down, ass clown. 43 00:02:00,453 --> 00:02:01,412 What the fuck? 44 00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:05,166 Well, well, well. If it isn't me, Pillola! 45 00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:06,167 Pillola? 46 00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:08,753 {\an8}Pillow and Lola in one, motherfucker! 47 00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:10,171 {\an8}Get the fuck out of my head! 48 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:13,383 {\an8}You're the one who can't stop thinking about me. 49 00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,051 You're, like, totally obsessed. 50 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:18,179 Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Get out of my brain! 51 00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:19,764 {\an8}We live in your head now. 52 00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:20,890 {\an8}We're never leaving. 53 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:23,852 {\an8}Because we have squatter's rights! 54 00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:25,478 Squat! 55 00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:28,106 [screaming] God damn it, Lola! 56 00:02:28,731 --> 00:02:29,566 [gasps] 57 00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:30,692 [pants] 58 00:02:30,775 --> 00:02:32,152 Ahh! Fuck! 59 00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:34,445 {\an8}["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays] 60 00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:40,160 {\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes! ♪ 61 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:49,419 {\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes! ♪ 62 00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:51,421 ♪ Oh! ♪ 63 00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:52,338 ♪ In my life ♪ 64 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,759 {\an8}♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪ 65 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,144 {\an8}[school bell rings] 66 00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:09,564 Hubba, hubba, who's the new girl? 67 00:03:09,647 --> 00:03:12,150 Rick, that's Jessi, she's one of my best friends. 68 00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:15,153 Uh, your boner called, it wants its phone back! 69 00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:18,281 Hey, no. It's not like that. Do you remember when I tried to kiss her? 70 00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:20,366 -No! -It almost ruined our friendship. 71 00:03:20,491 --> 00:03:24,078 Okay, but you still want to eat her poon with an ice cream spoon. [wags tongue] 72 00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:25,371 -Hey! No! -[grunts] 73 00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:28,082 You are my hormone monster and you'll do what I say! 74 00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:29,417 -[chomps] -Hey, stop that! 75 00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:30,335 [grunts] 76 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,337 I'm sorry, but you made me do that. 77 00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:33,630 {\an8}I'll fucking kill you. 78 00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:37,133 {\an8}-Excuse me, what'd you say? -Nothing, baby. Have fun in school! 79 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,844 -Andrew, just listen to me. -Jay, you're talkin' like a maniac. 80 00:03:39,928 --> 00:03:41,179 What's this called again? 81 00:03:41,262 --> 00:03:42,513 No Nut November. 82 00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:45,141 It's a challenge for your mind and your dick. 83 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,143 Wait… It's called "No Nut November"? 84 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,896 -Yeah! You don't come the entire month. -What? 85 00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:52,815 Everybody's doing it. Chris Pratt, Anthony Mackie, 86 00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:54,651 the dad from Father of the Bride… 87 00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:55,818 -Whoa. -Guy Fieri… 88 00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:58,196 I mean, everybody! We should do it too! 89 00:03:58,279 --> 00:03:59,614 -Should we? -Yes, please! 90 00:03:59,697 --> 00:04:01,991 I need something to distract me from shit-ass Lola! 91 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,077 But, Jay, it sounds awful. 92 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:07,247 [chuckles] I mean, why would anybody not jerk off for a month? 93 00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:09,415 You gotta get the poison out. Am I right? 94 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:12,585 -What? -Do you think of it as poison? The liquid? 95 00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:14,921 I think of it as mayo, hold the sandwich. 96 00:04:15,004 --> 00:04:16,631 Hey, don't take my word for it. 97 00:04:16,714 --> 00:04:20,009 Listen to comedy star turned jacked manbeast Kumail Nanjiani. 98 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,010 Now I'm intrigued. 99 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,929 [grunts] What's up, Kumaniacs! 100 00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:24,264 -Wonder if it catches on. -No. 101 00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:30,103 That's right. It's your boy Kumail here to preach the gospel of No Nut November. 102 00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:32,522 -Look, I used to fap all the time. -[Jay] Yeah. 103 00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:36,317 In my house, on the red carpet, in my car before going into the bank. 104 00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:39,362 -[Andrew] Wow! -I was a slave to my seed! [grunts] 105 00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:42,865 But ever since I stopped nutting, my life's been Mark Wahlberg good! 106 00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:43,825 [Jay] Fuck, yeah! 107 00:04:43,908 --> 00:04:45,827 So, what are the rules? Easy. 108 00:04:45,910 --> 00:04:49,580 One month of no sex, no masturbation, no wet dreams, 109 00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:52,208 -no nutting in any form! -Fuck! 110 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:55,795 Even that involuntary pre-cum you get in a bank parking lot. 111 00:04:55,878 --> 00:04:58,798 [grunts] So cork that cock, stay rock-soft, 112 00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:02,760 and I'll see you for Decimate Your Dick December! 113 00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:03,678 [grunts] 114 00:05:03,761 --> 00:05:05,221 -[Maury] Whoa! -Ahh! 115 00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:09,267 -Fucking incredible, right? -Honestly, it's a great ad for walnuts. 116 00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:13,479 Be that as it may, I'd like to say that No Nut November demonizes masturbation, 117 00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:15,481 which is a perfectly healthy activity. 118 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:18,818 That's what my doctor says, and she has one long gray braid. 119 00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:21,154 Missy's right, this whole thing sounds stupid. 120 00:05:21,237 --> 00:05:23,573 Besides, I couldn't last more than a few days anyway. 121 00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:27,285 Ugh! Devon can't resist his own dick. How do you think he wanks, Missy? 122 00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:28,828 Standing up? Lying down? 123 00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:30,496 -Crouched over your face? -Mona! 124 00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:31,831 Okay, what about you two? 125 00:05:31,914 --> 00:05:34,959 The boys, hanging out, one month, no cumming. 126 00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:37,295 -Eh… -Please, please! I really need this. 127 00:05:37,378 --> 00:05:40,089 -Need what? -Oh, Jay wants us to do No Nut November. 128 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:42,050 -Oh, God. -"No Nut November"? 129 00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:45,887 I thought that shit was fake, like John Travolta's bangs. 130 00:05:45,970 --> 00:05:47,847 Motherfucker look like Count Chocula. 131 00:05:47,930 --> 00:05:51,934 Now's your chance, Nick. Go ask your new friend Jessi if she wants her butt hugged! 132 00:05:51,976 --> 00:05:52,810 No! Enough! 133 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:56,105 In fact, maybe doing No Nut November will shut your moldy ass up. 134 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,648 -Jay, I'm in. -Yes! 135 00:05:57,732 --> 00:06:00,193 Well, if Nick can go a month without masturbating, 136 00:06:00,276 --> 00:06:02,195 then I, Andrew, can too. 137 00:06:02,278 --> 00:06:03,446 [laughing] 138 00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:06,949 -That is… That is very funny, Andrew. -No. Ah… 139 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,409 -Thank you. -You're welcome. 140 00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:09,827 Oh, you're laughing at me. 141 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:11,954 What are you saying? That I can't do it? 142 00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:14,290 No chance. You are a jerk-off maniac. 143 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,583 Oh, I'm a maniac, huh? 144 00:06:15,666 --> 00:06:19,253 Why, because I lust after my own self? You think you could do it better, Nick? 145 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:22,423 -I can hold out longer than you! -Care to make it interesting? 146 00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:24,509 You mean, like a contest? 147 00:06:24,592 --> 00:06:26,469 [Seinfeld theme plays] 148 00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:28,429 That's right, baby. A contest. 149 00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:34,185 I bet you this oatmeal raisin granola bar that I can last longer than you! 150 00:06:34,268 --> 00:06:36,104 You're on, George Costandrew. 151 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:38,940 -Whoa! You're both going down! -[audience cheers] 152 00:06:39,023 --> 00:06:40,775 This is gross! 153 00:06:40,858 --> 00:06:41,859 And I want in. 154 00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:43,277 -You can't be in. -Why not? 155 00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:45,863 -Girls can't nut. No nut! -Nothing comes out. 156 00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:47,281 It's pantomime! 157 00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:50,159 Oh, baloney! I have orgasms all the time! 158 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,202 You don't say. 159 00:06:51,285 --> 00:06:52,870 I do say. 160 00:06:52,954 --> 00:06:55,206 -It's like a million suns… -Oh! 161 00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:58,459 …exploding in your "Soup Nazi." 162 00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:00,545 We're doing the contest. No soup for us! 163 00:07:00,628 --> 00:07:02,797 Soup is… glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, 164 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:03,714 cum. 165 00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:07,718 [laughs] Oh! This is great. I'm not going to think about Lola at all. 166 00:07:07,802 --> 00:07:10,972 [chuckles] Oh, you're gonna think about me, Jay. 167 00:07:11,055 --> 00:07:14,267 This is gonna be the hardest month of your life. 168 00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:17,311 You and your jagged little shits. 169 00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:18,938 [laughs, snorts] 170 00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:22,984 [in sing-song] Nathan, I'm home! 171 00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:25,027 Missy, my gentle geranium. 172 00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:29,115 Are you ready to engage in the perfectly healthy activity of self-stimulation? 173 00:07:29,198 --> 00:07:30,867 You bet your sweet bippee! 174 00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:32,326 [moans] 175 00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:35,872 Captain, we should touch down on Climax Six in just a few moments. 176 00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:36,789 Excellent. 177 00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:40,501 Would you like to take the controls while I sensually comb my hair 178 00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:42,670 and make searing eye contact with you? 179 00:07:42,753 --> 00:07:46,632 Permission to comb your thick mop, you total dish! 180 00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:48,885 -[alarm blares] -[computer] Intruder alert! 181 00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:51,471 There's an unidentified life form in Sector Five. 182 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:54,557 [gasps] They must have stowed away during our last refueling! 183 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:58,895 I'll accompany you, Captain. But please, hold my hand, for my own safety. 184 00:07:59,687 --> 00:08:02,148 The signal seems to be coming from this way. 185 00:08:02,231 --> 00:08:03,316 [scanner pinging] 186 00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:05,151 -[beeps] -Yo! What's up, Missy? 187 00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,654 -[gasps] Devon? -What? I didn't know we had a steam room. 188 00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:11,407 You want to join me and my big-ass dick? 189 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,117 [gasps] Oh! Devon? 190 00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:16,287 Don't you mean, "Oh, Devon!" 191 00:08:16,370 --> 00:08:17,830 No! Maybe! 192 00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:19,499 [groans] I don't know! 193 00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:22,168 So, how's everyone holding up? 194 00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:24,212 I'm impressed with old Andrew so far. 195 00:08:24,295 --> 00:08:28,257 -It's literally only been three hours. -I know, and I'm totally fine. 196 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:32,178 I mean, sure, normally I'd go home and jerk off, eat a giant bag of Doritos, 197 00:08:32,261 --> 00:08:34,555 fall asleep on the floor, fart myself awake, 198 00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:35,765 and go down to dinner. 199 00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:38,059 Oh, fuck, that sounds good. 200 00:08:38,142 --> 00:08:39,977 What are we doing here, guys? 201 00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:42,605 Oh, yeah, you're not a jerk-off maniac at all. 202 00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:45,107 That's right, I'm not. I just need a distraction. 203 00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:46,359 Can somebody stab me? 204 00:08:46,442 --> 00:08:50,488 Or another option, maybe tonight we watch, like, a boring, unsexy movie. 205 00:08:50,571 --> 00:08:53,157 Yes, for Christ's sakes, anything! 206 00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:56,577 Help me! I mean, whatever, man. Peace. I don't give a shit. 207 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:59,080 Cool. Should we go over to your house? 208 00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:01,916 You come to my house? Cool. Sure. We can make that work. 209 00:09:01,999 --> 00:09:06,170 Oh, yeah! Your house is where all your underwears are. 210 00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:08,798 That's where you're gonna cum, yum yum yum. 211 00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:11,634 No, there's no cumming. I'm not losing this contest. 212 00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:14,679 We'll see! Let's just hope your little dicky bird 213 00:09:14,762 --> 00:09:17,181 doesn't slip and fall into your hand, 214 00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:20,017 squirt pudding out of its pretty little mouth. 215 00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:21,018 [laughs] 216 00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:22,353 [coughs] 217 00:09:22,436 --> 00:09:25,606 Oh, fuck, I'm so sick! 218 00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:28,568 Hey, Maury, if I'm gonna win this thing, I'll need your help. 219 00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:30,027 Andrew, why would I help you? 220 00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:32,738 If you don't cum, they take away my dental. 221 00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,115 -Unless… -Unless what? 222 00:09:34,198 --> 00:09:36,450 No, you probably wouldn't even be into it. 223 00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:37,952 Come on, you grouch, what is it? 224 00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:40,037 Frankly, it's a little above your pay grade. 225 00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:41,539 I'm not even sure you can handle it. 226 00:09:41,622 --> 00:09:44,125 I can! I'm mature for my age. 227 00:09:44,208 --> 00:09:46,544 My mom says I have the soul of an old grocer. 228 00:09:46,627 --> 00:09:50,256 [sighs] Okay. Andrew, I think it's time for you to attend 229 00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:53,509 one of my award-nominated Semen-ars. 230 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:54,468 Ooh, where is it? 231 00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:57,513 It's at the Radisson Hotel across from LaGuardia. 232 00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:58,431 Ooh! 233 00:09:58,514 --> 00:10:00,308 That's the haunted Radisson. 234 00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:03,269 {\an8}What about these towels from our pool party? 235 00:10:03,352 --> 00:10:05,771 {\an8}Anything that reminds you of Lola needs to go. 236 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:08,983 {\an8}What? Even this chicken parm I had half of the night I fingered her? 237 00:10:09,066 --> 00:10:10,276 {\an8}Throw it out! 238 00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:12,945 {\an8}You'll make new memories with my tight ass. 239 00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:14,655 {\an8}And my death grip, Jay. 240 00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:17,575 {\an8}I'll rip that cock right off the base, bro. 241 00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:20,161 {\an8}All right, well, I guess that's everything. 242 00:10:20,244 --> 00:10:22,371 {\an8}There's one last thing, Jay-Jay. 243 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:25,875 You gotta unfollow Lola on all social media. 244 00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:28,544 Oh! Yeah, right. Ooph, this is big. 245 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:33,883 Hey, guys, just squishing my dirty little nuggies in some fresh mud. 246 00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:34,800 Uh-oh. 247 00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:37,303 A little bit's coming through my toe cleavage. 248 00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:38,220 Ooh! 249 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,973 -It's a really tight space. -It is, I've been there. 250 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:44,143 But not so tight a tongue couldn't fit in it. 251 00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:45,061 Fuck! 252 00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:47,563 Anyway, good luck with No Nut November. 253 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,148 I'm looking at you, Jay! 254 00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:52,401 Shit! She's got me hard as a fucking crouton over here! 255 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,236 I'm gonna lose No Nut November. 256 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,989 Ugh, I wish Kamil Nanjiani were here. He'd know what to do. 257 00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:59,075 Jay, I am here. 258 00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:01,369 Whoa! Cum Kumail? 259 00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:03,287 Dude, what do I do about Lola? 260 00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:04,580 Unfollow her. 261 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,792 Protect your precious seed. You can do it. 262 00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:09,543 [sighs] Okay. 263 00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:11,212 [whimpers] 264 00:11:11,295 --> 00:11:13,464 Yes, Jay, that's sick. 265 00:11:13,547 --> 00:11:15,841 The Big Sick. Only on Amazon Prime. 266 00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:16,801 Unfortunately. 267 00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:21,138 Hey, man, hey. Good to see you. We're gonna get started. Ahem. 268 00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:24,975 Hello, everyone, and welcome to Maury's Semen-ars. 269 00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:29,146 If you're here for "Make your own soap," that's now in room 203. 270 00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:30,314 [chittering] 271 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:34,902 Today, we'll be discussing edging, a time-honored sex move 272 00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:38,614 where one approaches the precipice of orgasm, or the edge. 273 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,616 Shout out to my penis that looks like the Edge. 274 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:41,742 Oh, tanks, Maury. 275 00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:46,330 And then, once you're at the edge, pull back and stop that cum in its tracks. 276 00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:49,542 Question. How does this keep me from being a jerk-off maniac? 277 00:11:49,625 --> 00:11:53,796 Because you're not actually nutting. It's a huge jack hack, man. 278 00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:55,965 Shout out to my penis that looks like Hugh Jackman. 279 00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:57,967 I know it's a little late to say this, 280 00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:00,720 but I actually meant to go to the soap thing too. 281 00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:02,888 -Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. -Okay. 282 00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:07,685 So with edging, I can still masturbate, but I won't lose the contest, 283 00:12:07,768 --> 00:12:09,812 and my friends won't know how disgusting I am! 284 00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:14,358 It's perfect! You tease and you tease, building up tantric energy. 285 00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:17,403 Shout out to my penis that looks like Sting, the tantric king. 286 00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:18,988 [scatting] 287 00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:21,198 God, there are a lot of famous dicks here. 288 00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:23,325 And then when you finally do cum, 289 00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:25,578 oh, boy, you're gonna plaster the ceiling. 290 00:12:25,661 --> 00:12:28,080 Maury, you can stop selling it because I'm in. 291 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:31,709 All right, break off into groups, and, everybody, start masturbating. 292 00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:33,794 [chuckles shyly] Starts regular, okay. 293 00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:37,047 {\an8}-Okay, Andrew. Stroke, stroke, stroke… -[Andrew moans] 294 00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:39,383 Now stop and think of something deeply unsexy. 295 00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:40,885 Andrew! Look at me! 296 00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:43,971 I'm blasting my big balls with your mother's hair dryer! 297 00:12:44,054 --> 00:12:44,972 [Andrew] Oh, fuck! 298 00:12:45,055 --> 00:12:46,515 Gross! Whoo! 299 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,267 -What a rush. -See what I mean? 300 00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:52,021 Oh! I feel so alive, I can hold out all month. 301 00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:53,773 ♪ I came ♪ 302 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,900 ♪ I'm not good at edging ♪ 303 00:12:55,983 --> 00:13:00,279 I don't know what happened, Mona. It just felt wrong to do it to Devon. 304 00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:04,074 Why? Because his dick is too bold and beautiful? 305 00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:06,911 Uh, no. Because he's someone I actually know. 306 00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:10,790 -I see him at school every single day! -That's what makes it sexy! 307 00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:13,584 -That's what makes it scary! -I won't scare you, Missy. 308 00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:17,880 I go to sleep at 9:00 p.m. every night, and sometimes I sneak into bed at 8:30. 309 00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:20,674 See? Nathan's comforting and familiar! 310 00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:21,926 He's boring. 311 00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:25,387 Devon is young and cool, and he can move! 312 00:13:25,971 --> 00:13:27,640 Uh! Watch out. [grunts] Whoo! 313 00:13:27,723 --> 00:13:31,143 He's not the only one who can move, Missy! Watch this!  [grunting] 314 00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:33,145 See? Come on! Jerk off to me, Missy! 315 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,063 Oh, stop it. 316 00:13:34,146 --> 00:13:35,898 Can you both just put a sock in it? 317 00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:38,067 {\an8}I don't know who I want! I need to think! 318 00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:39,652 You mean, "whom I want", Missy. 319 00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:41,862 That should secure my victory. 320 00:13:42,571 --> 00:13:43,614 Hey, guys, come in. 321 00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:46,116 So, everybody make it through dinner without cumming? 322 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:50,287 Sorry, quick pause. Have you ever not made it through dinner without cumming? 323 00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:53,207 Who are you, the fucking Gestapo? Sorry, it's been a tough afternoon. 324 00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:54,124 I can see that. 325 00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:56,710 Anyway, I've put a lot of thought into it, 326 00:13:56,794 --> 00:14:00,714 and I have no doubt that I found the least sexy film ever made. 327 00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:01,674 What's the movie? 328 00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:05,886 It's Doubt, a gut-wrenching drama about child molestation in the Catholic Church. 329 00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:09,390 Lives are ruined, monologues are very long, a nun and a-- 330 00:14:09,473 --> 00:14:11,225 Stop. It's perfect. 331 00:14:11,308 --> 00:14:13,060 I'm a good priest, Sister. 332 00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:14,812 I have not touched a child. 333 00:14:14,895 --> 00:14:17,231 Oh, please, Father. Look at you. 334 00:14:17,314 --> 00:14:19,650 If you're not a pedophile, I don't know who is. 335 00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:21,068 Psst. Hey, Maury, 336 00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:23,654 -see those potpourri balls? -Yeah. 337 00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:26,073 Wouldn't you say they look like stinky little tits? 338 00:14:26,156 --> 00:14:28,534 -I wouldn't. -Then you need to open your eyes! 339 00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:32,288 Hold on, you're watching Doubt and you're still horny? 340 00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:35,207 I've been edging ever since we got kicked out of the Radisson. 341 00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:38,210 I told you, didn't I? Edging is nature's Viagra. 342 00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:40,713 Wait! Shh. Shut your mouth. Listen. 343 00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:43,883 -[squeaky moan] -Does the couch sound like it's, ooh, 344 00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:45,009 moaning? 345 00:14:45,092 --> 00:14:47,595 {\an8}-Uh-oh. -Oh, yeah! Yeah? 346 00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:50,806 {\an8}Oh, yeah. Oh, that's what the doctor ordered. Yes! 347 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,642 Andrew, be careful. Focus on the film Doubt. 348 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:56,353 I'm focusing. I'm literally sitting here, asshole! 349 00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:58,689 I'm gonna catch you hooking up with a kid 350 00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:00,274 if it's the last thing I do. 351 00:15:00,357 --> 00:15:02,359 Hey, Nick, can you pass the popcorn? 352 00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:09,533 ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow I'm a cat who likes to fuck ♪ 353 00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:12,786 -What the hell are you doing? -Giving you a bone-bone, baby. 354 00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:14,747 -Give me the popcorn! -Dude, are you okay? 355 00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:17,833 Yeah, great! Just my favorite part of the movie is coming up, so… 356 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:21,170 I don't care if my son was molested. 357 00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:22,963 This is a good school! 358 00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:23,923 It's powerful stuff. 359 00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:26,300 Jessi, you're gonna win this thing so easy! 360 00:15:26,383 --> 00:15:28,928 -You think? -These boys are idiots! 361 00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:30,721 -They only think with their-- -Hey. 362 00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:31,764 [yelps] Ding-dong! 363 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:33,766 Whee! 364 00:15:33,849 --> 00:15:35,017 I wanna do it again! 365 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,269 Oh, shit! Doubt? This movie's hilarious. 366 00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,312 Why's your shirt off? 367 00:15:38,395 --> 00:15:40,773 I was sharpening my knives outside and got sweaty. 368 00:15:40,856 --> 00:15:42,524 It's hard work, even in the fall. 369 00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:44,526 Fuckin' fine-ass bitch. 370 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,404 I wanna rest my ear on his chest and listen to his blood pump. 371 00:15:47,488 --> 00:15:48,364 You damn right you do. 372 00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,032 Oh, God, Maury, look over there. 373 00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:52,993 That picture of Nick's family in Costa Rica, 374 00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:55,621 and Leah's in a macrame bikini. 375 00:15:55,704 --> 00:15:58,457 Macra-me-oh-my-oh! This house is a minefield! 376 00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:00,292 Hi, Andrew. 377 00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:03,003 Wanna stick your clammy finger in my wet mouth? 378 00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:05,172 {\an8}Holy shit, yes, I'm a pig. Let me do it. 379 00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:07,424 [couch] Oh, yeah? Yeah? Oh, wow! 380 00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:08,342 -Yeah! -Oh, God. 381 00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:11,679 Maury, my dick, it's rubbing against the back of my pants, 382 00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:13,806 and it's pure pleasure. 383 00:16:13,889 --> 00:16:15,724 -[couch] Thanks, Mister! -[Maury] Be careful. 384 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,768 You're right on the edge, look back at Doubt! 385 00:16:17,851 --> 00:16:20,354 Fuck off, Maury! My body, my choice. 386 00:16:20,437 --> 00:16:23,273 {\an8}-Oh, my God, he dropped his shirt! -Ooh! Go give it to him. 387 00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:25,317 I can't do that, it's too embarrassing. 388 00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:29,613 Oh, but that's your excuse to talk to him and then stuff that shirt in his mouth! 389 00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:31,865 Nick, fuck the popcorn. 390 00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:33,450 Stick your dick in there. 391 00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:36,537 Get a hot little popcorn kernel stuck up in your pee hole! 392 00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:38,539 Jesus, Rick, what's going on with you? 393 00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:39,707 Andrew, turn away! 394 00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:43,544 No. I can get closer to the edge. I can touch it. I can be God! 395 00:16:43,627 --> 00:16:47,631 -What are you doing? Why are you standing? -Yeah, oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! 396 00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:50,134 Oh, thanks, Mister! 397 00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:51,218 -[moans] -Ew! 398 00:16:51,301 --> 00:16:53,387 -Oh, what the fuck, Andrew? -Jesus! 399 00:16:53,470 --> 00:16:54,805 Oh, God, what have I done? 400 00:16:54,888 --> 00:16:57,641 Did you just fucking cum in my living room? 401 00:16:57,725 --> 00:17:02,062 Yes. Okay, I came. I came. Here's your goddamn granola bar. 402 00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:03,564 How did that even happen? 403 00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:06,900 Oh, because I was edging. I'm disgusting. 404 00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,986 -I did a workshop at the Radisson. -What? 405 00:17:09,069 --> 00:17:13,240 Then your squeakin' prick tease of a couch wouldn't shut up, 406 00:17:13,323 --> 00:17:16,410 so I blew my load in your dumb ass TV room. 407 00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:17,703 Oh, Andrew! 408 00:17:17,786 --> 00:17:19,288 You're such a little pervert! 409 00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:21,582 I need to not be here anymore. 410 00:17:21,665 --> 00:17:23,959 [sniffs] Did somebody just ejaculate in here? 411 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,295 [panting] Connie, look what I did. 412 00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:28,547 Oh, shit. You stole Judd's shirt! 413 00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:29,965 -I'm such a creep! -Who cares? 414 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,842 You're a creep with Judd's shirt. 415 00:17:31,925 --> 00:17:33,719 We're gonna be freaks tonight! 416 00:17:33,802 --> 00:17:35,846 -Uh-huh! Got his shirt! -Uh-huh! Okay! 417 00:17:35,929 --> 00:17:37,723 -Uh-huh! -It stank, you did it! 418 00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:40,267 [sighs] 419 00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,311 You're so beautiful, Missy. 420 00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:44,730 May I kiss you with my mouth? 421 00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:47,941 {\an8}-You can always be yourself around me. -Aww, thanks, Missy. 422 00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:51,612 I'm mounting your horse so that I may gaze straight into your eyes 423 00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:53,363 whilst professing my love to you. 424 00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:58,535 I can't last more than a few days anyway… [echoing] Missy… 425 00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:01,038 -[panting] -Missy, I knew you'd come back to me. 426 00:18:01,121 --> 00:18:03,499 Nathan, I-- I did come back. 427 00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:05,292 -To break up with you. -I've… What? 428 00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:06,335 -No! -Yes! 429 00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:08,087 I'm so sorry. 430 00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:10,798 You're wonderful, but I have feelings for Devon, 431 00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:12,716 and I don't know where they will lead me. 432 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,636 They'll lead your fingers right to your velvet pita! 433 00:18:15,719 --> 00:18:17,179 -Mona! -Sorry. Go on. 434 00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:20,432 Nathan, I-- I just don't think it would be honorable 435 00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:22,476 to fantasize about both of you. 436 00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:24,353 What does Devon have that I don't? 437 00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:28,273 Well, not to be rude, but he is more age-appropriate. 438 00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:30,109 I can play 13. Look. 439 00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:34,822 It's been a Fortnite since I've hung out with my Mario Brothers. Scene. 440 00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:37,282 Okay, but he's also real? 441 00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:39,576 I can be real, too! Fly to LA! 442 00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:41,620 I'm always strolling the Walk of Fame 443 00:18:41,703 --> 00:18:43,413 hoping to get recognized by single mothers. 444 00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:45,707 Oh, Nathan, I'm going through changes. 445 00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:47,376 -But-- -And we'll always have… 446 00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:48,836 [kisses] …outer space. 447 00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,088 -No, Missy, don't roll me up, please! -Excuse me, sorry. 448 00:18:51,171 --> 00:18:53,507 -Just watch your face. Close your eyes. -Not the closet! 449 00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:56,009 I'll do anything! I'll eat your poo-poo, Missy! 450 00:18:56,677 --> 00:18:58,595 {\an8}And just like that, poof! 451 00:18:58,679 --> 00:18:59,763 Lola's gone! 452 00:18:59,847 --> 00:19:00,681 Wrong! 453 00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:04,101 Lola's right here, you fucking Brussels sprout! 454 00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:07,521 Well, well, well, if it isn't Lola Ugfuglio Skumpy. 455 00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:12,234 Well, well, well, if it isn't Jayzarian Ric Flairian Bilzerian. 456 00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:15,529 -Whoo! -You think you can just unfollow me, Jay? 457 00:19:15,612 --> 00:19:19,199 -Yes. -Well, why don't you unfollow this! 458 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:20,951 -[dramatic sting] -Jesus! 459 00:19:21,034 --> 00:19:22,619 Real-life Pillola? 460 00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:24,371 Why do you know me so fucking well? 461 00:19:24,454 --> 00:19:26,874 Your family's Alexa reports back to me, shithead! 462 00:19:26,957 --> 00:19:28,792 No, no, no! I won't look! 463 00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:31,044 ♪ Meow, meow, meow I'm a cat who likes to fuck ♪ 464 00:19:31,128 --> 00:19:32,087 All right! You win. 465 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:36,550 I can't stop thinking about your grubby toes and your sexy fucking voice. 466 00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:39,803 -Is that what you wanna hear? -Yeah, that's exactly what I want to hear. 467 00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:42,306 Fine. I think about you all the time! 468 00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:44,516 -You do? -That's why I did No Nut November. 469 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:45,893 -Because? -Because of you. 470 00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:49,271 -Me? -You… make… me… Knock-knock. 471 00:19:49,354 --> 00:19:50,355 -Who's there? -Horny! 472 00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:53,192 Well, you make me "Knock-knock, who's there, horny" too! 473 00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:55,611 Really? Oh, shit, this is just stupid, right? 474 00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:56,945 Should we just like-- 475 00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,614 Go crazy on each other's pubes? 476 00:19:58,697 --> 00:19:59,990 -Yes! -I think so too! 477 00:20:00,073 --> 00:20:03,869 Okay, there's just one thing I need you to do first. 478 00:20:03,952 --> 00:20:05,954 Babe, anything. 479 00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:09,374 I'm so horny, I could break a brick over my dick without wincing. 480 00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:13,754 {\an8}All you have to do to step over the metaphorical threshold is, like… 481 00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:15,714 {\an8}-What? -Say you're sorry. 482 00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:17,216 {\an8}Sorry for what? 483 00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:19,343 {\an8}For cheating on me with your pillow. 484 00:20:19,426 --> 00:20:23,096 {\an8}Oh, babe, I will… 485 00:20:23,722 --> 00:20:25,724 [screaming] …never say "I'm sorry"! 486 00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:30,020 You're the one who should apologize to me for not saying "I love you" right away. 487 00:20:30,103 --> 00:20:32,272 -[flames whoosh] -Fuck you, Jay! I hate you! 488 00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:33,315 I hate you! 489 00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:34,942 I will destroy you! 490 00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:37,110 You will cum this month! 491 00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:38,070 Wrong! 492 00:20:38,153 --> 00:20:40,739 -I will never cum again! -[dramatic music plays] 493 00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:41,782 [grunts] 494 00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:43,450 Oh! 495 00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:44,368 [grunts] 496 00:20:44,451 --> 00:20:45,827 [screams] 497 00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:48,038 Okay, so what do we do? 498 00:20:48,121 --> 00:20:50,832 Well, on the one hand, I don't want to lose to the boys, right? 499 00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:53,377 -But also as a feminist, I feel like… -Yeah, go on. 500 00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:56,088 …isn't it kind of my duty for me to nut as much as they do? 501 00:20:56,171 --> 00:20:57,923 Well, exactly, that's the Me Too movement. 502 00:20:58,006 --> 00:20:59,091 Well, no. That's something-- 503 00:20:59,174 --> 00:21:02,010 Hey! Do you want to nut to this fucking t-shirt or what? 504 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:04,137 -Yes. -Well, me too. 505 00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:06,765 So time's up on this conversation, 506 00:21:06,848 --> 00:21:09,643 and let's Women's March your hands down your pants! 507 00:21:09,726 --> 00:21:11,103 Okay, here's a thought. 508 00:21:11,186 --> 00:21:15,023 Should I maybe lie face down with my nose buried in the shirt 509 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:16,525 and my body completely rigid? 510 00:21:16,608 --> 00:21:18,318 -Like a horny little corpse? -Yeah. 511 00:21:18,402 --> 00:21:20,195 Yeah, I could co-sign on that. 512 00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:23,407 -[sniffs] Oh… -Stick your sniffer in there. 513 00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:25,659 -Mmm! [sniffs] -Sop it all up like a toucan. 514 00:21:25,742 --> 00:21:29,871 Oh, fuck! I'm gonna owe Nick a granola bar. 515 00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:32,124 -[intriguing music plays] -[grunting softly] 516 00:21:34,209 --> 00:21:35,043 Sister Glazer. 517 00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:37,296 -May I come in, Father Birch? -Of course. 518 00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:41,925 Ahem. What did you want to talk about? 519 00:21:42,009 --> 00:21:44,052 -Your wandering eyes. -My-- My what? 520 00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:46,888 Father, I saw you looking at me while I laid out the Jesus crackers. 521 00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:48,557 I was not doing any such-- 522 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:52,477 -I thought we were just friends, Father. -Yes, that's all we are. 523 00:21:52,561 --> 00:21:56,023 Would you like to see my body, Father Birch? 524 00:21:56,106 --> 00:21:58,066 This is… Absolutely not, Sister. 525 00:21:58,150 --> 00:21:59,818 Do you like what you see, Father? 526 00:21:59,901 --> 00:22:02,446 -[gasps] -Or wait, should I just call you "Daddy"? 527 00:22:02,529 --> 00:22:05,032 {\an8}Yes! No! I-- I don't know anymore. 528 00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:06,658 {\an8}So you do want me! Admit it. 529 00:22:06,742 --> 00:22:08,243 {\an8}No, I… I… 530 00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:10,370 {\an8}Are we just friends, Father? 531 00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:12,205 -Are we? Are we? -Oh! 532 00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:15,959 -I have doubts. I have such doubts! Ooh! -[church bell tolls] 533 00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:19,087 [gasps] Oh, no! I "Andrewed." 534 00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:21,715 Shit! Now I'm down a granola bar! 535 00:22:21,798 --> 00:22:24,468 -How'd you like that creamy dream? -Ahh! 536 00:22:24,551 --> 00:22:26,011 Rick! What the hell? 537 00:22:26,094 --> 00:22:29,973 I knew you wanted to squish in Jessi. [chuckles] 538 00:22:30,057 --> 00:22:31,266 You're scaring me, Rick. 539 00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:34,144 Aw, you have such a pretty mouth. 540 00:22:34,227 --> 00:22:35,937 What the fuck is going on? 541 00:22:36,021 --> 00:22:39,316 That's what I want to know… baby. 542 00:22:39,399 --> 00:22:40,317 [Andrew sniffles] 543 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:41,610 -I'm pathetic. -No. 544 00:22:41,693 --> 00:22:45,238 I can't believe I was the first one eliminated in No Nut November. 545 00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:47,824 Oh, uh, I thought you were gonna say you were upset 546 00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:51,036 about jizzing yourself in front of your friend's entire family… 547 00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:53,413 [chuckles] …but sure, yeah, No Nut November. 548 00:22:53,497 --> 00:22:56,792 Yeah, for some reason, I don't feel bad about the in-front-of-the-family stuff. 549 00:22:56,875 --> 00:22:57,959 God, what is wrong with me? 550 00:22:58,043 --> 00:23:01,338 Nothing, you're a jerk-off maniac, and that's a good thing. 551 00:23:01,421 --> 00:23:03,215 It's your very special talent. 552 00:23:03,298 --> 00:23:05,717 What? Maury, I've always wanted a talent. 553 00:23:05,801 --> 00:23:07,844 And now you also know about edging. 554 00:23:07,928 --> 00:23:09,888 That's right. I don't wanna learn any lessons, 555 00:23:09,971 --> 00:23:11,264 I just wanna cum again. 556 00:23:11,348 --> 00:23:13,016 And I don't care if I get caught! 557 00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:17,687 -Maybe that'll even be my thing. -Oh, shit, that's where we're going? Okay. 558 00:23:17,771 --> 00:23:19,898 -[sentimental music plays] -So, yeah, sure. 559 00:23:19,981 --> 00:23:21,483 When you get right down to it, 560 00:23:21,566 --> 00:23:24,611 maybe not nutting was the nuttiest thing we could do. 561 00:23:24,694 --> 00:23:26,113 [moaning] 562 00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:29,366 [sighs] Oh, isn't it beautiful, Devon? 563 00:23:29,449 --> 00:23:32,577 That hot, fiery ball in the sky? 564 00:23:32,661 --> 00:23:34,371 It is, Missy, and I should know. 565 00:23:34,454 --> 00:23:36,832 I'm an expert on all things hot. 566 00:23:36,915 --> 00:23:41,837 That's funny, because I'm an expert on all things balls. 567 00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:45,549 [Andrew] And yeah, maybe at the end of the day, we… 568 00:23:45,632 --> 00:23:47,551 We were all jerk-off maniacs. 569 00:23:47,634 --> 00:23:51,513 Now click on that pic of Elaine in the skin-tight vest at the desert. 570 00:23:51,596 --> 00:23:52,722 That's a bathing suit, 571 00:23:52,806 --> 00:23:55,058 and she's at the beach, and her name is Jessi. 572 00:23:55,142 --> 00:23:59,229 Potato, potutu, man. Just mash that dinky spud already. 573 00:23:59,312 --> 00:24:01,523 She's, uh… She's looking right at me. 574 00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:06,319 Oh, yeah! The ocean is where the fish do their pee-pee! 575 00:24:06,403 --> 00:24:07,737 [Andrew] But that's the thing. 576 00:24:07,821 --> 00:24:09,781 -[buzzing] -That's what no one ever got. 577 00:24:09,865 --> 00:24:13,243 -We were all just pervs trying to get by. -[grunts, panting] 578 00:24:13,326 --> 00:24:16,037 Trying to get by in a cruel, cruel world. 579 00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:18,457 Fucking Lola, showing up dressed like a pillow. 580 00:24:18,540 --> 00:24:20,500 You must hate her so much, bro. 581 00:24:20,584 --> 00:24:23,128 No, that's the thing. I don't hate her. 582 00:24:23,211 --> 00:24:25,338 I miss her. I miss her so much. 583 00:24:26,089 --> 00:24:28,967 [sobbing] 584 00:24:29,050 --> 00:24:32,471 What the fuck, Jay? You're cummin' outta your eyes. 585 00:24:32,554 --> 00:24:36,558 I think I'm having an-- an emotional orgasm? 586 00:24:36,641 --> 00:24:38,727 Uh, there, there, bro. 587 00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:42,939 At least I didn't cum for No Nut November. 588 00:24:43,023 --> 00:24:45,984 -Sorry, dude, emotional orgasms count. -What? 589 00:24:46,067 --> 00:24:48,195 But you lasted the longest, 590 00:24:48,278 --> 00:24:50,447 -and for that you get a granola bar. -Huh? 591 00:24:50,530 --> 00:24:52,741 Nah, I don't like that healthy stuff! 592 00:24:52,824 --> 00:24:56,786 -It's made out of cum. -Okay, I'll try it. 593 00:24:56,870 --> 00:24:59,623 [Andrew] We always used to call each other good fellas. 594 00:24:59,706 --> 00:25:00,832 Like, you'd say to somebody, 595 00:25:00,916 --> 00:25:03,877 "You're gonna like this guy. He's all right, he's a good fella." 596 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:07,088 You know? "He's gonna jerk off in your friend's TV room. 597 00:25:07,172 --> 00:25:09,883 -That's a normal, okay thing to do." -[grunting] 598 00:25:09,966 --> 00:25:11,593 {\an8}But now it's all different. 599 00:25:11,676 --> 00:25:15,597 The other day, I tried to jerk off in a model home during an open house, 600 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:18,808 and they threw me out like an average schnook. 601 00:25:19,518 --> 00:25:21,269 [moans] 602 00:25:21,353 --> 00:25:22,938 [moans] Oh, there it is! 603 00:25:23,021 --> 00:25:25,398 [sobbing] 604 00:25:25,482 --> 00:25:26,775 Okay! 605 00:25:26,858 --> 00:25:28,777 Oh! Hi! 606 00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:30,070 Yeah! 607 00:25:30,153 --> 00:25:31,780 [grunting] 608 00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:33,114 Ah! 609 00:25:33,198 --> 00:25:34,908 {\an8}Oh, yeah! Superb! 610 00:25:35,408 --> 00:25:36,409 [chitters] 611 00:25:36,868 --> 00:25:39,246 [groans] A million suns! 612 00:25:39,329 --> 00:25:40,413 [whooshes] 613 00:25:41,748 --> 00:25:43,750 ["Layla" by Eric Clapton plays] 614 00:25:50,257 --> 00:25:52,592 ♪ What'll you do when you get lonely? ♪ 615 00:25:54,344 --> 00:25:57,264 ♪ And nobody's waiting by your side? ♪ 616 00:25:58,682 --> 00:26:00,100 ♪ You've been running ♪ 617 00:26:00,183 --> 00:26:01,810 ♪ And hiding much too long ♪ 618 00:26:02,727 --> 00:26:05,438 ♪ You know it's just your foolish pride ♪ 619 00:26:05,522 --> 00:26:07,315 ♪ Layla ♪ 620 00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:11,528 ♪ You've got me on my knees, Layla ♪ 621 00:26:12,612 --> 00:26:15,657 ♪ I'm begging, darling, please, Layla ♪ 622 00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:21,621 ♪ Darling, won't you ease My worried mind ♪ 623 00:26:22,706 --> 00:26:25,292 ♪ I tried to give you consolation ♪ 624 00:26:26,668 --> 00:26:28,712 ♪ When your old man had let you… ♪