It's just been so hard ever since I was thwarted by the kids of Bridgeton Middle.
I fear I've lost my mojo.
I fear I've lost my pancakes.
-You ate them, Steve. -Cool!
It's just that those kids really shook my confidence.
I'm considering throwing in the towel.
Ooh, throw it to me! I gotta teach pool school today.
Do you mean "swim class"?
-Uh-huh! -Children in revealing bathing suits?
-Exactly! -Shivering on cold tiles?
-Yup! -In front of their peers…
-Ooh! -Hello, mojo!
Hi, Nokia!
Steve, I believe I'll be joining you for pool school today.
Okay, let's get the piece of paper from the restaurant mommy and go.
The check, shall we split it this time or…
Or we can not pay at all.
I love you, honey bunny.
I love you, Pulp Fiction!
-Everybody be cool. This is a robbery!
Any of you fuckin' pricks move and I'll…
Live from New York, it's Saturday night!
All right, my dudes and dudettes.
Welcome to gym class: Swimsuit Edition!
I can't believe we get to look at the girls in bathing suits at school.
Oh, yes, yes, yes. Let's see how our girls are progressing.
And here come your girls now, Doctor Disgusto.
Hubba-bubba, there's Jessi.
She looks like the picture you pull your pee-pee to but in real life.
Yeah, I, uh, also noticed that.
All right! I wanna see some boy nipples!
Their nipples are very intriguing.
I'm told that's where Gatorade comes from.
Just remember, if you can see their bodies,
they can see yours.
Oh, shit, you're back?
Well, I couldn't miss the opportunity to leer at children in their bathing suits.
-Ew! -Yummy, yummy.
-What in the fuck? -Gross!
Uh, no, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm rusty.
The shame is what I find yummy.
The children look bad, bad. Not sexy. No. Let me start over.
Jessi, your body is, uh, no bueno.
Uh-uh. No, I am not letting you get in my head again.
Very well. Well, don't take my word for it.
-What are you looking at? -Oh, uh, uh, nothing.
We're looking at the head, the feet, all of it, baby.
I just never noticed that your leg hair is a different color than your head hair.
-So, congratulations. -Ew! Don't talk about my leg hair.
Oh, but why? The all-natural look is pure pleasure.
Ugh, of course you think that, you creep.
You're 90% pube.
What? My bush? No good?
Well, it is quite a thatch, isn't it?
Oh, God, maybe I can stuff it back in.
No, stay, stay, stay, stay!
-No! It's unstuffable!
Oh, my God!
I wouldn't be "Oh my God-ing," Lola.
-Not with that camel toe.
Stunned. Wounded! Shifting focus…
Jay's uncircumcised!
Well, well, well, look who can't keep her dick out of my mouth.
I'll put my dick wherever I want!
Missy, check out Devon's muscles.
Like a jacked little cricket.
-He can nibble on my leaves! Mm! -He can nibble on your pussy too!
But first my leaves. You gotta eat your vegetables
if you wanna have dessert.
He's about to touch you.
Missy, you got a little fuzzy on your back.
Get ready to mouth the word "fuck."
Oh, no, that's not a fuzzy.
What? What is it?
Uh, you know what? My bad-ne.
Uh, oh, shit, I should just go back-ne, ah, to the…
You got zits on your back, girl.
Oh, God, he's right! You've got bacne!
I-- I can't see it. Is-- is it bad?
Well, that depends. Do you think the Holocaust was bad?
Yes, my mom's grandfather died in the Holocaust!
So you have a personal connection to how awful your back looks.
And you, little Nick Birch, barely filling out that Speedo.
Yes, we've covered this before.
Big mouth, little dick. I don't care.
-Oh, no? You don't care? -Nope.
Unless someone else cares about dick size.
-Who, Jessi? No, she's a mature…
…intelligent young woman and she doesn't pay attention to that kind of stuff.
Oh, my God, that is…
-Wow. Okay.
No wonder he's always giggling.
Great ghost of Jimmy Dean, look at that sausage.
-Oh… -Anyway, we got a great show.
The Go-Gurt Burglar's big, fat dick is here,
so stick around, we'll be right back.
-Yo! What the fuck was that?
-Oh, my God!
Revelry.
-It's always the guy that steals yogurt…
…that has the perfect cock.
And your cock, Andrew?
You can hardly see it under that haystack of dick hair.
Oh, God, it is quite the haystack.
You know what? Fuck Lola!
I'm glad I'm uncircumcised.
My dick has more nerve endings, it's sensitive, it's natural…
Like Shailene Woodley.
Yeah, well, if it's so natural, then why are you the only one?
Whoa, whoa. Hang on. Am I the only one with an uncircumcised dick?
Indeed.
Okay, everybody, whip 'em out!
I want those dicks out yesterday, and I want 'em in a lineup, soft.
Jesus, Jay. It looks like an anteater. And why is it bruised?
If it's not bruised, you're not doin' it right.
-Maury, what are you doing? -I'm taking a picture for your spank bank.
Say "Dick cheese."
Ugh! I don't want Jay's penis in my spank bank.
Yes. What would dear, sweet Aiden say?
Nothing. Becuase I'm not attracted to Jay.
-Oh, yeah? -Or his battered dick.
Ooh! "Battered Dick" was the name of my college improv group.
-Really? -We did long-form. Everybody hated it.
-I'm sure. -I'm saving the photo.
What's the matter, Nick?
You're quiet as a mouse.
Is it because you're hung like one?
Okay, you know what, I remember how to deal with you.
I just have to share my shame, and then I'll feel better.
Look, guys, let's not go crazy with this penis stuff.
I mean, I'm not afraid to say, I, Nick Birch, have a not very huge penis.
-Obviously. -Honey, everyone knows that.
Man, your dick makes us feel good about ours.
We talk about it when you're not around.
-Is that what you were hoping for? -No, it was not.
If it makes you feel any better, I have a tiny dick too.
Hey, man, we're the same!
Oh, my God!
Go-Gurt Burglar's dick is huge!
-Hot daddy!
I know, on such a small frame, it, like, really pops.
Yeah, the only thing bigger is your camel toe.
-Excuse me?
Devin, that's so fucked up!
What? I-I'm trying to help her. She's got too much labia.
Devin!
Women have to support other women by pointing out their flaws!
You, madam, are a delight.
Oh, no! Is this the episode where I discover I don't have the perfect pussy?
Yeah, well, that's what it says in the Netflix blurb.
Sigh, but like, go, Lola. In the blurb.
Ladies, women, girl bosses,
let's take a step back and remember who the real enemy is.
-The boys! -What did they do?
They talked about my leg hair.
Yeah, because it's gross.
No offense, Jessi, but women need to shave.
No, we do not.
You'll get used to it, like deflecting compliments or laughing at guys' jokes.
-You know, girl stuff. -By the way, cute top.
It's cheap, and I'm ugly!
I have to shave my whole body every day. It's like a full-time job.
Oh, my God. Are you serious?
Yeah, I had to give up gymnastics, and I was really good.
It seems like everybody's shaving except you, Jessi.
Oy.
Oh, shit, we're gross.
Look at me! I'm covered in hair.
I'm gonna have to quit gymnastics, and I am not good.
Oh, so close.
Oh, Connie.
Oh, just give me the phone. I need to see what Devon saw.
I'm not sure you want to see this, darling.
Oh, God!
Missy, years from now, you'll look back on this moment…
Yeah?
…and be scarred, both physically and emotionally.
Oh!
Boom-shaka-laka! I'm en fuego!
What's wrong, Nicky? You've barely touched your quinoa,
and it's your favorite of the ancient grains.
Nothing, I'm fine.
-I bet he's worried about his small dick. -What the-- How'd he--
I guess everyone really does talk about it when you're not around.
Mom, Leah, women don't really care about size, right?
We're past that as a culture, right?
Of course! Women want a loving, caring partner.
You know what your father always says.
It's not the size of the wave.
It's how well I perform cunnilingus on your mother.
It's true.
That's because his tongue is bigger than his dick.
Relax, Nick,
guys care way more about penis size than girls do.
Exactly. For us, it's not a problem.
-Good. Good, good. -You know, unless it's a… problem.
Yeah, like a micropenis or something?
"Micropenis"? Oh, God, what's that?
It's a very rare condition where your penis is medically small.
You have a medically small penis.
-Oh, no! -Yes, you're Micropenis Boy!
Ladies and gentlemen,
step right up and giggle with glee.
-Stop! -The smallest wonder of the world…
This boy's dick!
-Stop! Argh! Don't look at me!
There's nothing to see anyway!
It's not that small!
-It is! -It's microscopic!
Why, there's no balls!
Oh, my God, that is…
Whoo! But, like, in a bad way.
Jessi, please!
I'll perform cunnilingus on you, like my dad does on my mom!
-Everybody knows
women exclusively come from penetration.
You'll never be able to please a woman!
No!
Oh, God, everything about your dad makes me sad.
Why does he have a sleeping bag in the bathtub?
I can't believe this is the only razor in our house.
It looks like someone killed a possum with it.
Oh, God. Maybe I should just wait?
Yes, good idea.
Best to let your leg hair grow longer and longer,
until you become a Chewbacca!
Argh!
-Hey, fellas, we caught a Bigfoot!
Aw, darn it, I was hoping for a sexy girl.
But I am a sexy girl!
Know what's crazy?
If she'd only shaved, I might've let her watch me take a shower.
Fuck me with a dirty spoon.
Oh, it really is awful, isn't it?
Oh, no, that's just a text I got from Hugh Grant.
But yes, your bacne's ghastly, darling.
-Yes!
It looks like they covered the moon in pepperoni pizza and put it on your back.
Shall we? To the pizza moon, Missy?
-No! -Too late!
Ahh!
Missy, how the fuck do I get off of your gross-ass back?
-Ow! My leg! Ah! -Devon!
Missy, your zitty back sucks!
I gotta get back to Earth so I can tell everybody how gross you are.
-I'm so disgusting!
-Wait, Missy, look!
The toxins have been expelled, and the surface is healing.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
That I should fuck Hugh Grant with a clean spoon
and just tell him it's dirty so nobody gets sick?
No! We need to pop those mayo mountains!
Missy, will your parents freak out if Hugh Grant comes over here right now?
Oh, enough with Hugh Grant!
-Um, hello? Where are you right now? -In a slide making out with my boyfriend.
Really? Because you don't seem that into it.
No, no, no, no, babe. I'm so into it. Maury, what the fuck are you doing?
Oh, I'm, uh, deleting old texts.
Well, will you do your goddamn job and help me get horny?
Oh, yeah, sure. Here you go, Matt.
Ugh! No! Don't show me Jay's dick!
Why not? It just made you as hard as a bowling pin.
Oh, shit!
-Nice bone, homie. -What?
Want to tongue so hard we barf in each other's mouths?
Oh!
-Oh, you really do. -Oh, I do!
Oh, Matthew! I really like this color on you.
And I like the color of Jay's dick.
It looks like an old yam!
Oh, dear! Fantasizing about Jay while kissing your boyfriend?
-It was an accident. -Cheater, cheater, uncut peter.
Ugh, you're right. I'm the worst.
No, you're not, you're just a horny kid. Hey, what's your deal, man?
My deal is I'm back, baby.
If you're gonna call me baby,
you better be ready to cash that check, Kemosabe.
It's already endorsed.
Oh, shit.
Jesus Christ, what does this say about me psychologically?
I'm telling you, Knights of Saint Joseph, my "castle" is too big.
My lady, thy castle is perfect. It's just as nature intended.
No! The gates are gigantic!
But they keep the barbarians at bay!
And Sir Jay never had any problem with your castle.
Yes, but Jay is gone, isn't he?
And why is that, Lola?
You don't think it's because of my castle gates, do you?
Well, who can say?
But he did break up with you shortly after he, ah, how should I put this?
-Fingered your big, fat pussy. -Don't listen to him, Your Majesty!
No, he's right! I'm hideous!
What do I do, Mr. Ghost?
Um, I'm a wizard,
and perhaps you should consult one of my very favorite resources,
the World Wide Web.
Huh, Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop is selling this thing called a "Yoni Egg."
It helps, like, strengthen your vagina muscles--
Your Majesty, do not spend your hard-earned coin on this fool egg!
Do you think I'm stupid? I have a half-dozen eggs downstairs!
Oh, my lady, no!
To the eggs.
"What to do if my penis is too…
small." Okay, here we go.
Are you worried you're too small to please your woman?
-Yes. -Well, you're right.
-What? -David, you need to move out.
My trainer's moving in,
and his penis is so big, there's no room for you.
But my parents left me this house.
Aw…
And they also left you a tiny dick.
You should kill yourself. All right, I'm going to the Women's March.
Jesus Christ.
Why'd you say that you were 18? This is too much, man.
Wait! You don't have to kill yourself.
There's a solution.
You mean, loving myself for who I am
and finding a partner who's sexually compatible with me?
You're funny.
I'm talking about the Halliburton Big Boy penis pump, of course.
-Oh! -Wow! Thank you, Halliburton!
With our patented vacuum technology,
your dick will be so huge, you won't mind that it's weirdly freezing.
David! I'm back! And I want your huge, cold penis.
Too bad, Carol.
Now I'm going to the Women's March to fuck some sense into those ladies.
I'm leaving you the gun, you know what to do.
-Holy shit, man! They fucking showed it!
Seems that's exactly what you need, little Nicky.
-Yeah. -Ah, but it doesn't ship for ten days.
-I can't wait that long. -Hmm…
I wonder if there's something in the house that has vacuum technology.
Oh, hey, Nick! You want me to suck that dick like it's pasghetti?
Okay, do I just take it all off and go for the little boy thing or--
Jesus, those scissors are huge.
You're cutting your pubes, not opening a grocery store.
They're the only scissors I could find.
-Now stop making me nervous. -Andrew!
Oh, shit! Oh, my God. I nicked my sack. My balls are gonna slip through the hole.
-Maury! -Let the shames begin!
Ugh!
I can't reach the big one!
You can do it, Missy!
Put one foot on the sink,
one on the bathtub, and hold onto the shower curtain.
I don't know if that's possible!
If Hugh Grant can do it, then so can you, honey!
Is that how you get the spoon in?
-No, it's how I get it out. -Oh!
Almost there, Missy. Reach for it!
-Oh, shit! -Where's the needle?
-Bugger! It's right between your eyes. -Ooh, well done.
-Pull it out!
-Okay.
-Ahh!
My shoulder's dislocated!
And you still have bacne!
Quick, Missy, use that hand to masturbate. It'll feel like someone else.
-Should there be this much resistance?
Oh, that just means your hair is strong.
You should be proud!
Oh, shit. Look!
Oh, it's fine. It's just a couple of nicks.
Yeah, but it hurts.
Well, just shave faster.
-Shave harder! -Ahh!
Fuck! You made me cut myself.
But you're not bleeding, you just got that eerie white strip
you see right before the blood starts--
Holy shit, Jessi! This is how you die!
Oh, fuck! My leg won't stop bleeding!
-Oh, I've got to see a girl about an egg.
Oh, my God, I'm really doing this.
Lola, you're crazy for this one.
Your Highness, no! It won't fit through the gate!
There's no turning back now!
-There's always turning back! -No! My people will see me as weak.
Oh, wow, you're keeping the shell on.
Lola, you're crazy for this one.
Oh, no!
What's wrong, my lady?
-It's probably related to the egg. -I can't get it out!
My Queen, maybe you should try relaxing.
How can I relax with a fucking egg in my pussy?
Delightful!
Okay, here we go.
Hey, Nick! What you got there?
-It's a vacuum. -What're you doing? Cleaning up?
I'm gonna put it on my dick to make it bigger.
Do you think that's the best-- Ah!
Oh, oh… Oh, it's really latched!
-Oh, fuck! It's got my balls! -Oh, it hurts!
Yeah! Awesome!
-Rick, pull the plug! -Whoo-hoo!
I feel like a monkey on a dog at a baseball game!
Ah! Ah…
Oh, you should clean your room more often.
That's my mom's job!
Calamine lotion, calamine lotion, calamine lotion.
-Where are the Band-Aids? -Oh, we've got some Paul Mitchell mousse.
Wait, what's this?
-"Nair." -Hmm.
That sounds like "no" and "hair."
So, what do I do, slather this all over my crotch?
Don't read the instructions, just empty that strange bottle on your bush.
Okay.
Ooh, it burns a little. Ha-ha.
I hate this.
Oh, it smells like sulfur. Oh, God.
Huh. "Do not use after February, 1986."
Shit. What month is it?
-Oh, fuck, this really hurts.
Ooh! It's starting to smoke.
Oh, God. Oh, my only set of balls.
-Here, try this. -All right.
-What the fuck was that?
Hydrogen peroxide. Why? Does it sting?
-Yes, and it's not worth it!
-It's turning your pubes green! -Oh… Oh…
That feels a little better.
-Stop laughing at me!
-I'm not, Andrew. Your dick is.
Jared Leto and Joseph, it's the "Chodeker."
The "Chodeker"?
Why so serious, Andrew?
Feeling a little nuts?
Maury, we need to get to a hospital before my dick wins an Oscar.
I just want to watch your balls burn!
Ladies and gentlemen, the Shane Lizard.
-Missy?
Nicky!
Just one more step!
You got it!
Whoa! Ahh!
Andrew! Did you use my big scissors to cut your genital nest?
-Disgusting!
-Does no one hear my penis singing? -We need to sedate this pervert.
-Now clench and push.
Yippee!
Ha-ha! Take that, Brené Brown.
I'm telling you, the future of health care is CBD oil.
-This stuff is amazing. -Nick?
Oh, hey, Jessi. What am I doing here?
I mean, what, um, happened to your leg?
I, um… I cut myself shaving.
Oh, shit. It wasn't because of what I said about your leg hair, was it?
No. No.
Yes, kind of. Well, you and the whole world.
Okay, good. So it's not my fault. But also, concerned.
-What are you doing here? -Oh, um…
My sweet little prince is taking care of his old man.
I put my penis in a vacuum cleaner because I have such a small penis…
Dad, please!
…but Judd has a big penis.
-Judd's penis? What now? -So who knows about Nicky's penis?
I, for one, am curious.
Missy, you're here too?
Yep, my body has betrayed me,
everything's gross, and our best days are behind us.
Yes, exactly.
This has been the most perfect day.
I'm sorry. I couldn't help but overhear your conversation.
I-- I gotta say, we all have something we don't like about ourselves,
and the struggle to love our imperfections?
It's a lifelong battle.
Who the fuck's this guy?
I'm ready to go home now.
Lola, oh, my God, is this your dad?
Oh, Rodney?
No, he's my mom's parole officer and my emergency contact.
Okay.
Well, I think Lola's mom's parole officer is right.
We all hate something about ourselves.
No, no! Lola's mom's parole officer's wrong!
Yeah, we just, like, mutilated our bodies.
That's fucked up.
-We need to cut ourselves some slack. -No! No slack!
Hey, Lols, got any idea where Mom's at tonight?
I have no idea, and even if I did, sweetie, you'd be the last to know.
Anyway, Wendy's closes in ten, so chop-chop!
Oh, dear me.
-Wha-- What happened?
The laughing, it's stopped.
He's gone.
Oh, no! He's gone!
Nurse? Hey, nurse? Nurse!
I really thought I'd got my mojo back,
but then right at the end, they went home slightly cheered up.
-Uh-huh. -Why can't I ever get a win?
Knicks won last night.
Yes, I work closely with the whole Knicks organization, actually.
The Knicks are named after a little man in my class.
Yes, and Nick's not swimming, is he?
-In fact, many of the children aren't. -Uh-huh.
So, even if it wasn't perfect, I still had a good day.
Thank you, Steve. What would I do without you?
Drink the water from the pool because it looks so blue and delicious?
-Oh, God.
Hey, Matthew. I've been thinking about my uncircumcised dick all day…
So have we!
And I realized, when you thought it looked like an anteater,
it's because, duh, you've never seen it hard!
No duh, no duh!
-Quick consent to show you my hard dick? -Yes, consent, consent.
Um… Sure.
See? It's like the anteater's skull pushed through its mouth.
-Mm-hmm. -Fuckin' gnarly, right?
Yeah, totally tubular.
Maury, take a fucking picture.
Got it. I also got a dick pic from the Shame Wizard.
-Ugh! -Fuckin' gnarly, right?
Hey, Devin, you know how you love egg salad sandwich on an artisan loaf?
Yes, Lola, of course, who doesn't?
Well, I made you one to say, "I'm sorry for having camel toe."
What an interesting gesture. Thank you.
Oh my God, pay no mind. I used a very special egg.
Oh, Lola. This is delicious.
Wait, really? Fork it over, I'm starving!
Okay, but just one bite.
Oh, Lola, you're crazy for this one.
Chomp!
Oh! Fuck! The circle's caught on my neck.
Someone call Rodney!
Yippee!