1 00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:14,014 It's just been so hard ever since I was thwarted by the kids of Bridgeton Middle. 2 00:00:14,097 --> 00:00:15,807 I fear I've lost my mojo. 3 00:00:15,890 --> 00:00:17,851 I fear I've lost my pancakes. 4 00:00:17,934 --> 00:00:19,686 -You ate them, Steve. -Cool! 5 00:00:19,769 --> 00:00:23,023 It's just that those kids really shook my confidence. 6 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:25,191 I'm considering throwing in the towel. 7 00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:28,862 Ooh, throw it to me! I gotta teach pool school today. 8 00:00:28,945 --> 00:00:31,239 Do you mean "swim class"? 9 00:00:31,322 --> 00:00:34,242 -Uh-huh! -Children in revealing bathing suits? 10 00:00:34,325 --> 00:00:36,703 -Exactly! -Shivering on cold tiles? 11 00:00:36,786 --> 00:00:38,705 -Yup! -In front of their peers… 12 00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:40,457 -Ooh! -Hello, mojo! 13 00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:41,541 Hi, Nokia! 14 00:00:41,624 --> 00:00:45,503 Steve, I believe I'll be joining you for pool school today. 15 00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:49,632 Okay, let's get the piece of paper from the restaurant mommy and go. 16 00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:52,802 The check, shall we split it this time or… 17 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,889 Or we can not pay at all. 18 00:00:55,972 --> 00:00:57,891 I love you, honey bunny. 19 00:00:57,974 --> 00:00:59,559 I love you, Pulp Fiction! 20 00:00:59,642 --> 00:01:02,103 -Everybody be cool. This is a robbery! 21 00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:04,481 Any of you fuckin' pricks move and I'll… 22 00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:07,776 Live from New York, it's Saturday night! 23 00:01:40,683 --> 00:01:43,812 All right, my dudes and dudettes. 24 00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:47,023 Welcome to gym class: Swimsuit Edition! 25 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:50,485 I can't believe we get to look at the girls in bathing suits at school. 26 00:01:50,568 --> 00:01:53,988 Oh, yes, yes, yes. Let's see how our girls are progressing. 27 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:57,450 And here come your girls now, Doctor Disgusto. 28 00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:59,410 Hubba-bubba, there's Jessi. 29 00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:02,956 She looks like the picture you pull your pee-pee to but in real life. 30 00:02:03,039 --> 00:02:04,624 Yeah, I, uh, also noticed that. 31 00:02:04,707 --> 00:02:07,210 All right! I wanna see some boy nipples! 32 00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:09,921 Their nipples are very intriguing. 33 00:02:10,004 --> 00:02:13,007 I'm told that's where Gatorade comes from. 34 00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:16,386 Just remember, if you can see their bodies, 35 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:17,971 they can see yours. 36 00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:19,889 Oh, shit, you're back? 37 00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:24,269 Well, I couldn't miss the opportunity to leer at children in their bathing suits. 38 00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:25,645 -Ew! -Yummy, yummy. 39 00:02:25,728 --> 00:02:27,230 -What in the fuck? -Gross! 40 00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:29,482 Uh, no, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm rusty. 41 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,860 The shame is what I find yummy. 42 00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:35,029 The children look bad, bad. Not sexy. No. Let me start over. 43 00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:38,408 Jessi, your body is, uh, no bueno. 44 00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:41,494 Uh-uh. No, I am not letting you get in my head again. 45 00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:44,122 Very well. Well, don't take my word for it. 46 00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:46,749 -What are you looking at? -Oh, uh, uh, nothing. 47 00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:50,545 We're looking at the head, the feet, all of it, baby. 48 00:02:50,628 --> 00:02:54,632 I just never noticed that your leg hair is a different color than your head hair. 49 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:57,510 -So, congratulations. -Ew! Don't talk about my leg hair. 50 00:02:57,594 --> 00:03:00,346 Oh, but why? The all-natural look is pure pleasure. 51 00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:02,557 Ugh, of course you think that, you creep. 52 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:03,808 You're 90% pube. 53 00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,435 What? My bush? No good? 54 00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:07,729 Well, it is quite a thatch, isn't it? 55 00:03:07,812 --> 00:03:09,731 Oh, God, maybe I can stuff it back in. 56 00:03:09,814 --> 00:03:11,357 No, stay, stay, stay, stay! 57 00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:13,526 -No! It's unstuffable! 58 00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,069 Oh, my God! 59 00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:17,614 I wouldn't be "Oh my God-ing," Lola. 60 00:03:17,697 --> 00:03:19,824 -Not with that camel toe. 61 00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:23,912 Stunned. Wounded! Shifting focus… 62 00:03:23,995 --> 00:03:25,121 Jay's uncircumcised! 63 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:28,875 Well, well, well, look who can't keep her dick out of my mouth. 64 00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:30,793 I'll put my dick wherever I want! 65 00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:33,421 Missy, check out Devon's muscles. 66 00:03:33,504 --> 00:03:35,048 Like a jacked little cricket. 67 00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:39,510 -He can nibble on my leaves! Mm! -He can nibble on your pussy too! 68 00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:42,513 But first my leaves. You gotta eat your vegetables 69 00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,557 if you wanna have dessert. 70 00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:45,683 He's about to touch you. 71 00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:47,393 Missy, you got a little fuzzy on your back. 72 00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:49,395 Get ready to mouth the word "fuck." 73 00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:51,105 Oh, no, that's not a fuzzy. 74 00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:52,398 What? What is it? 75 00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,234 Uh, you know what? My bad-ne. 76 00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:56,945 Uh, oh, shit, I should just go back-ne, ah, to the… 77 00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,488 You got zits on your back, girl. 78 00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:01,658 Oh, God, he's right! You've got bacne! 79 00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:03,952 I-- I can't see it. Is-- is it bad? 80 00:04:04,035 --> 00:04:06,829 Well, that depends. Do you think the Holocaust was bad? 81 00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:09,791 Yes, my mom's grandfather died in the Holocaust! 82 00:04:09,874 --> 00:04:14,170 So you have a personal connection to how awful your back looks. 83 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:19,050 And you, little Nick Birch, barely filling out that Speedo. 84 00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:21,010 Yes, we've covered this before. 85 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,054 Big mouth, little dick. I don't care. 86 00:04:23,137 --> 00:04:25,223 -Oh, no? You don't care? -Nope. 87 00:04:25,306 --> 00:04:28,810 Unless someone else cares about dick size. 88 00:04:28,893 --> 00:04:30,895 -Who, Jessi? No, she's a mature… 89 00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:33,982 …intelligent young woman and she doesn't pay attention to that kind of stuff. 90 00:04:34,065 --> 00:04:36,109 Oh, my God, that is… 91 00:04:36,192 --> 00:04:38,361 -Wow. Okay. 92 00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:39,779 No wonder he's always giggling. 93 00:04:39,862 --> 00:04:42,699 Great ghost of Jimmy Dean, look at that sausage. 94 00:04:43,574 --> 00:04:45,910 -Oh… -Anyway, we got a great show. 95 00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:48,246 The Go-Gurt Burglar's big, fat dick is here, 96 00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:51,124 so stick around, we'll be right back. 97 00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:56,754 -Yo! What the fuck was that? 98 00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:59,465 -Oh, my God! 99 00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:00,383 Revelry. 100 00:05:00,466 --> 00:05:02,969 -It's always the guy that steals yogurt… 101 00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:04,429 …that has the perfect cock. 102 00:05:04,512 --> 00:05:06,222 And your cock, Andrew? 103 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:09,767 You can hardly see it under that haystack of dick hair. 104 00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:12,520 Oh, God, it is quite the haystack. 105 00:05:12,603 --> 00:05:14,605 You know what? Fuck Lola! 106 00:05:14,689 --> 00:05:16,566 I'm glad I'm uncircumcised. 107 00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:20,945 My dick has more nerve endings, it's sensitive, it's natural… 108 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:22,155 Like Shailene Woodley. 109 00:05:22,238 --> 00:05:24,741 Yeah, well, if it's so natural, then why are you the only one? 110 00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:28,202 Whoa, whoa. Hang on. Am I the only one with an uncircumcised dick? 111 00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:29,120 Indeed. 112 00:05:29,203 --> 00:05:31,122 Okay, everybody, whip 'em out! 113 00:05:31,205 --> 00:05:35,585 I want those dicks out yesterday, and I want 'em in a lineup, soft. 114 00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:38,796 Jesus, Jay. It looks like an anteater. And why is it bruised? 115 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,591 If it's not bruised, you're not doin' it right. 116 00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:45,053 -Maury, what are you doing? -I'm taking a picture for your spank bank. 117 00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:46,137 Say "Dick cheese." 118 00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:48,556 Ugh! I don't want Jay's penis in my spank bank. 119 00:05:48,639 --> 00:05:51,976 Yes. What would dear, sweet Aiden say? 120 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:53,853 Nothing. Becuase I'm not attracted to Jay. 121 00:05:53,936 --> 00:05:55,355 -Oh, yeah? -Or his battered dick. 122 00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:57,774 Ooh! "Battered Dick" was the name of my college improv group. 123 00:05:57,857 --> 00:05:59,734 -Really? -We did long-form. Everybody hated it. 124 00:05:59,817 --> 00:06:01,444 -I'm sure. -I'm saving the photo. 125 00:06:01,527 --> 00:06:02,862 What's the matter, Nick? 126 00:06:02,945 --> 00:06:04,489 You're quiet as a mouse. 127 00:06:04,572 --> 00:06:06,949 Is it because you're hung like one? 128 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:09,035 Okay, you know what, I remember how to deal with you. 129 00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:11,704 I just have to share my shame, and then I'll feel better. 130 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:15,041 Look, guys, let's not go crazy with this penis stuff. 131 00:06:15,124 --> 00:06:19,837 I mean, I'm not afraid to say, I, Nick Birch, have a not very huge penis. 132 00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,506 -Obviously. -Honey, everyone knows that. 133 00:06:21,589 --> 00:06:23,424 Man, your dick makes us feel good about ours. 134 00:06:23,508 --> 00:06:25,551 We talk about it when you're not around. 135 00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,887 -Is that what you were hoping for? -No, it was not. 136 00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:31,224 If it makes you feel any better, I have a tiny dick too. 137 00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:32,975 Hey, man, we're the same! 138 00:06:33,976 --> 00:06:35,978 Oh, my God! 139 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,314 Go-Gurt Burglar's dick is huge! 140 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,607 -Hot daddy! 141 00:06:39,690 --> 00:06:42,819 I know, on such a small frame, it, like, really pops. 142 00:06:42,902 --> 00:06:45,405 Yeah, the only thing bigger is your camel toe. 143 00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:46,823 -Excuse me? 144 00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:48,825 Devin, that's so fucked up! 145 00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:52,954 What? I-I'm trying to help her. She's got too much labia. 146 00:06:53,037 --> 00:06:53,871 Devin! 147 00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:57,708 Women have to support other women by pointing out their flaws! 148 00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:59,710 You, madam, are a delight. 149 00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:05,007 Oh, no! Is this the episode where I discover I don't have the perfect pussy? 150 00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:07,343 Yeah, well, that's what it says in the Netflix blurb. 151 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:10,012 Sigh, but like, go, Lola. In the blurb. 152 00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:12,473 Ladies, women, girl bosses, 153 00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:16,227 let's take a step back and remember who the real enemy is. 154 00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:17,728 -The boys! -What did they do? 155 00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:19,522 They talked about my leg hair. 156 00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:21,232 Yeah, because it's gross. 157 00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:24,068 No offense, Jessi, but women need to shave. 158 00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:24,986 No, we do not. 159 00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:28,948 You'll get used to it, like deflecting compliments or laughing at guys' jokes. 160 00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,992 -You know, girl stuff. -By the way, cute top. 161 00:07:31,075 --> 00:07:32,535 It's cheap, and I'm ugly! 162 00:07:32,618 --> 00:07:35,705 I have to shave my whole body every day. It's like a full-time job. 163 00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:36,998 Oh, my God. Are you serious? 164 00:07:37,081 --> 00:07:41,210 Yeah, I had to give up gymnastics, and I was really good. 165 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:44,547 It seems like everybody's shaving except you, Jessi. 166 00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:45,465 Oy. 167 00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:47,383 Oh, shit, we're gross. 168 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,385 Look at me! I'm covered in hair. 169 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,930 I'm gonna have to quit gymnastics, and I am not good. 170 00:07:54,223 --> 00:07:55,433 Oh, so close. 171 00:07:55,516 --> 00:07:56,642 Oh, Connie. 172 00:07:56,726 --> 00:08:00,021 Oh, just give me the phone. I need to see what Devon saw. 173 00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:01,814 I'm not sure you want to see this, darling. 174 00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:03,816 Oh, God! 175 00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:07,278 Missy, years from now, you'll look back on this moment… 176 00:08:07,361 --> 00:08:08,196 Yeah? 177 00:08:08,279 --> 00:08:10,990 …and be scarred, both physically and emotionally. 178 00:08:11,073 --> 00:08:12,116 Oh! 179 00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:16,871 Boom-shaka-laka! I'm en fuego! 180 00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:20,458 What's wrong, Nicky? You've barely touched your quinoa, 181 00:08:20,541 --> 00:08:22,335 and it's your favorite of the ancient grains. 182 00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:23,461 Nothing, I'm fine. 183 00:08:23,544 --> 00:08:26,172 -I bet he's worried about his small dick. -What the-- How'd he-- 184 00:08:26,255 --> 00:08:29,217 I guess everyone really does talk about it when you're not around. 185 00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:32,220 Mom, Leah, women don't really care about size, right? 186 00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:34,472 We're past that as a culture, right? 187 00:08:34,555 --> 00:08:38,684 Of course! Women want a loving, caring partner. 188 00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:40,686 You know what your father always says. 189 00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,647 It's not the size of the wave. 190 00:08:42,730 --> 00:08:45,566 It's how well I perform cunnilingus on your mother. 191 00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:46,734 It's true. 192 00:08:46,817 --> 00:08:49,070 That's because his tongue is bigger than his dick. 193 00:08:49,153 --> 00:08:50,446 Relax, Nick, 194 00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:53,407 guys care way more about penis size than girls do. 195 00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:55,743 Exactly. For us, it's not a problem. 196 00:08:55,826 --> 00:08:58,829 -Good. Good, good. -You know, unless it's a… problem. 197 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,123 Yeah, like a micropenis or something? 198 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:03,876 "Micropenis"? Oh, God, what's that? 199 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,921 It's a very rare condition where your penis is medically small. 200 00:09:07,004 --> 00:09:09,340 You have a medically small penis. 201 00:09:09,423 --> 00:09:12,552 -Oh, no! -Yes, you're Micropenis Boy! 202 00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:15,012 Ladies and gentlemen, 203 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:16,973 step right up and giggle with glee. 204 00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:20,101 -Stop! -The smallest wonder of the world… 205 00:09:20,184 --> 00:09:22,144 This boy's dick! 206 00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:24,021 -Stop! Argh! Don't look at me! 207 00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:26,357 There's nothing to see anyway! 208 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,150 It's not that small! 209 00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,819 -It is! -It's microscopic! 210 00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:31,028 Why, there's no balls! 211 00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:33,573 Oh, my God, that is… 212 00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:35,783 Whoo! But, like, in a bad way. 213 00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:36,742 Jessi, please! 214 00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:40,580 I'll perform cunnilingus on you, like my dad does on my mom! 215 00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:42,290 -Everybody knows 216 00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:44,458 women exclusively come from penetration. 217 00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:46,877 You'll never be able to please a woman! 218 00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:48,170 No! 219 00:09:49,630 --> 00:09:53,426 Oh, God, everything about your dad makes me sad. 220 00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:56,220 Why does he have a sleeping bag in the bathtub? 221 00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:58,931 I can't believe this is the only razor in our house. 222 00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:01,267 It looks like someone killed a possum with it. 223 00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:03,394 Oh, God. Maybe I should just wait? 224 00:10:03,477 --> 00:10:05,229 Yes, good idea. 225 00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:09,609 Best to let your leg hair grow longer and longer, 226 00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:12,486 until you become a Chewbacca! 227 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:13,904 Argh! 228 00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:18,618 -Hey, fellas, we caught a Bigfoot! 229 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:21,370 Aw, darn it, I was hoping for a sexy girl. 230 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,706 But I am a sexy girl! 231 00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:24,790 Know what's crazy? 232 00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:27,752 If she'd only shaved, I might've let her watch me take a shower. 233 00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:31,756 Fuck me with a dirty spoon. 234 00:10:31,839 --> 00:10:34,967 Oh, it really is awful, isn't it? 235 00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:37,470 Oh, no, that's just a text I got from Hugh Grant. 236 00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:40,306 But yes, your bacne's ghastly, darling. 237 00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:41,223 -Yes! 238 00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:46,479 It looks like they covered the moon in pepperoni pizza and put it on your back. 239 00:10:46,562 --> 00:10:49,315 Shall we? To the pizza moon, Missy? 240 00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:51,025 -No! -Too late! 241 00:10:51,108 --> 00:10:51,942 Ahh! 242 00:10:52,568 --> 00:10:55,613 Missy, how the fuck do I get off of your gross-ass back? 243 00:10:56,238 --> 00:10:57,990 -Ow! My leg! Ah! -Devon! 244 00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,825 Missy, your zitty back sucks! 245 00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:02,995 I gotta get back to Earth so I can tell everybody how gross you are. 246 00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:05,498 -I'm so disgusting! 247 00:11:05,581 --> 00:11:07,291 -Wait, Missy, look! 248 00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:11,545 The toxins have been expelled, and the surface is healing. 249 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:14,215 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 250 00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:16,467 That I should fuck Hugh Grant with a clean spoon 251 00:11:16,550 --> 00:11:18,511 and just tell him it's dirty so nobody gets sick? 252 00:11:18,594 --> 00:11:21,597 No! We need to pop those mayo mountains! 253 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:24,850 Missy, will your parents freak out if Hugh Grant comes over here right now? 254 00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:26,686 Oh, enough with Hugh Grant! 255 00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:33,526 -Um, hello? Where are you right now? -In a slide making out with my boyfriend. 256 00:11:33,609 --> 00:11:35,486 Really? Because you don't seem that into it. 257 00:11:35,569 --> 00:11:39,240 No, no, no, no, babe. I'm so into it. Maury, what the fuck are you doing? 258 00:11:39,323 --> 00:11:41,534 Oh, I'm, uh, deleting old texts. 259 00:11:41,617 --> 00:11:44,203 Well, will you do your goddamn job and help me get horny? 260 00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:45,663 Oh, yeah, sure. Here you go, Matt. 261 00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:47,790 Ugh! No! Don't show me Jay's dick! 262 00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:50,918 Why not? It just made you as hard as a bowling pin. 263 00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:52,044 Oh, shit! 264 00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:53,379 -Nice bone, homie. -What? 265 00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:56,006 Want to tongue so hard we barf in each other's mouths? 266 00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:56,924 Oh! 267 00:11:57,007 --> 00:11:59,093 -Oh, you really do. -Oh, I do! 268 00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:04,557 Oh, Matthew! I really like this color on you. 269 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,350 And I like the color of Jay's dick. 270 00:12:06,434 --> 00:12:08,060 It looks like an old yam! 271 00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:12,231 Oh, dear! Fantasizing about Jay while kissing your boyfriend? 272 00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:15,901 -It was an accident. -Cheater, cheater, uncut peter. 273 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,820 Ugh, you're right. I'm the worst. 274 00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:21,490 No, you're not, you're just a horny kid. Hey, what's your deal, man? 275 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:24,034 My deal is I'm back, baby. 276 00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:25,453 If you're gonna call me baby, 277 00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:27,913 you better be ready to cash that check, Kemosabe. 278 00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,540 It's already endorsed. 279 00:12:29,623 --> 00:12:31,417 Oh, shit. 280 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:36,130 Jesus Christ, what does this say about me psychologically? 281 00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:40,384 I'm telling you, Knights of Saint Joseph, my "castle" is too big. 282 00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:44,555 My lady, thy castle is perfect. It's just as nature intended. 283 00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:47,266 No! The gates are gigantic! 284 00:12:47,349 --> 00:12:49,185 But they keep the barbarians at bay! 285 00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:52,188 And Sir Jay never had any problem with your castle. 286 00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:54,774 Yes, but Jay is gone, isn't he? 287 00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:56,692 And why is that, Lola? 288 00:12:56,776 --> 00:13:01,071 You don't think it's because of my castle gates, do you? 289 00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:02,698 Well, who can say? 290 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,243 But he did break up with you shortly after he, ah, how should I put this? 291 00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:10,080 -Fingered your big, fat pussy. -Don't listen to him, Your Majesty! 292 00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:12,708 No, he's right! I'm hideous! 293 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,752 What do I do, Mr. Ghost? 294 00:13:14,835 --> 00:13:16,629 Um, I'm a wizard, 295 00:13:16,712 --> 00:13:20,716 and perhaps you should consult one of my very favorite resources, 296 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,843 the World Wide Web. 297 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:29,850 Huh, Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop is selling this thing called a "Yoni Egg." 298 00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:33,145 It helps, like, strengthen your vagina muscles-- 299 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:37,233 Your Majesty, do not spend your hard-earned coin on this fool egg! 300 00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:40,444 Do you think I'm stupid? I have a half-dozen eggs downstairs! 301 00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:41,529 Oh, my lady, no! 302 00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:42,780 To the eggs. 303 00:13:42,863 --> 00:13:46,242 "What to do if my penis is too… 304 00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:48,869 small." Okay, here we go. 305 00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:52,081 Are you worried you're too small to please your woman? 306 00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:53,791 -Yes. -Well, you're right. 307 00:13:53,874 --> 00:13:55,960 -What? -David, you need to move out. 308 00:13:56,043 --> 00:13:57,086 My trainer's moving in, 309 00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:59,547 and his penis is so big, there's no room for you. 310 00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,090 But my parents left me this house. 311 00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:02,049 Aw… 312 00:14:02,132 --> 00:14:04,260 And they also left you a tiny dick. 313 00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:07,972 You should kill yourself. All right, I'm going to the Women's March. 314 00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:09,390 Jesus Christ. 315 00:14:09,473 --> 00:14:12,685 Why'd you say that you were 18? This is too much, man. 316 00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:15,104 Wait! You don't have to kill yourself. 317 00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:16,146 There's a solution. 318 00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:18,315 You mean, loving myself for who I am 319 00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:20,860 and finding a partner who's sexually compatible with me? 320 00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:22,486 You're funny. 321 00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:25,739 I'm talking about the Halliburton Big Boy penis pump, of course. 322 00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:27,992 -Oh! -Wow! Thank you, Halliburton! 323 00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:30,536 With our patented vacuum technology, 324 00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:34,999 your dick will be so huge, you won't mind that it's weirdly freezing. 325 00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:39,336 David! I'm back! And I want your huge, cold penis. 326 00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:40,337 Too bad, Carol. 327 00:14:40,421 --> 00:14:43,674 Now I'm going to the Women's March to fuck some sense into those ladies. 328 00:14:43,757 --> 00:14:45,843 I'm leaving you the gun, you know what to do. 329 00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:50,222 -Holy shit, man! They fucking showed it! 330 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:52,850 Seems that's exactly what you need, little Nicky. 331 00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:55,644 -Yeah. -Ah, but it doesn't ship for ten days. 332 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,521 -I can't wait that long. -Hmm… 333 00:14:57,605 --> 00:15:01,901 I wonder if there's something in the house that has vacuum technology. 334 00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:06,238 Oh, hey, Nick! You want me to suck that dick like it's pasghetti? 335 00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:11,952 Okay, do I just take it all off and go for the little boy thing or-- 336 00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:13,996 Jesus, those scissors are huge. 337 00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:16,874 You're cutting your pubes, not opening a grocery store. 338 00:15:16,957 --> 00:15:18,542 They're the only scissors I could find. 339 00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:20,461 -Now stop making me nervous. -Andrew! 340 00:15:20,544 --> 00:15:24,423 Oh, shit! Oh, my God. I nicked my sack. My balls are gonna slip through the hole. 341 00:15:24,506 --> 00:15:27,635 -Maury! -Let the shames begin! 342 00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:31,263 Ugh! 343 00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:32,973 I can't reach the big one! 344 00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,350 You can do it, Missy! 345 00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:35,684 Put one foot on the sink, 346 00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:38,437 one on the bathtub, and hold onto the shower curtain. 347 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,147 I don't know if that's possible! 348 00:15:40,230 --> 00:15:42,900 If Hugh Grant can do it, then so can you, honey! 349 00:15:42,983 --> 00:15:44,443 Is that how you get the spoon in? 350 00:15:44,526 --> 00:15:46,487 -No, it's how I get it out. -Oh! 351 00:15:46,570 --> 00:15:48,572 Almost there, Missy. Reach for it! 352 00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,534 -Oh, shit! -Where's the needle? 353 00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:55,829 -Bugger! It's right between your eyes. -Ooh, well done. 354 00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:57,039 -Pull it out! 355 00:15:57,122 --> 00:15:58,082 -Pull it out! -Okay. 356 00:15:58,165 --> 00:15:59,375 -Ahh! 357 00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:01,126 My shoulder's dislocated! 358 00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:02,962 And you still have bacne! 359 00:16:03,045 --> 00:16:06,715 Quick, Missy, use that hand to masturbate. It'll feel like someone else. 360 00:16:07,716 --> 00:16:10,135 -Should there be this much resistance? 361 00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:12,304 Oh, that just means your hair is strong. 362 00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:13,681 You should be proud! 363 00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:15,265 Oh, shit. Look! 364 00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:17,059 Oh, it's fine. It's just a couple of nicks. 365 00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:18,102 Yeah, but it hurts. 366 00:16:18,185 --> 00:16:19,687 Well, just shave faster. 367 00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:21,146 -Shave harder! -Ahh! 368 00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:22,982 Fuck! You made me cut myself. 369 00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:26,318 But you're not bleeding, you just got that eerie white strip 370 00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:28,320 you see right before the blood starts-- 371 00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:30,698 Holy shit, Jessi! This is how you die! 372 00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:33,283 Oh, fuck! My leg won't stop bleeding! 373 00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:36,537 -Oh, I've got to see a girl about an egg. 374 00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:38,831 Oh, my God, I'm really doing this. 375 00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:41,083 Lola, you're crazy for this one. 376 00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:44,586 Your Highness, no! It won't fit through the gate! 377 00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:46,797 There's no turning back now! 378 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:51,218 -There's always turning back! -No! My people will see me as weak. 379 00:16:51,301 --> 00:16:53,846 Oh, wow, you're keeping the shell on. 380 00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:56,306 Lola, you're crazy for this one. 381 00:16:57,474 --> 00:16:59,435 Oh, no! 382 00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:00,728 What's wrong, my lady? 383 00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:04,356 -It's probably related to the egg. -I can't get it out! 384 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,984 My Queen, maybe you should try relaxing. 385 00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:11,030 How can I relax with a fucking egg in my pussy? 386 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,573 Delightful! 387 00:17:13,073 --> 00:17:14,366 Okay, here we go. 388 00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:17,244 Hey, Nick! What you got there? 389 00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:19,413 -It's a vacuum. -What're you doing? Cleaning up? 390 00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:21,457 I'm gonna put it on my dick to make it bigger. 391 00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:23,917 Do you think that's the best-- Ah! 392 00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:26,128 Oh, oh… Oh, it's really latched! 393 00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:28,756 -Oh, fuck! It's got my balls! -Oh, it hurts! 394 00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:29,965 Yeah! Awesome! 395 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:32,134 -Rick, pull the plug! -Whoo-hoo! 396 00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:35,387 I feel like a monkey on a dog at a baseball game! 397 00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:37,431 Ah! Ah… 398 00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:41,560 Oh, you should clean your room more often. 399 00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:44,021 That's my mom's job! 400 00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:47,066 Calamine lotion, calamine lotion, calamine lotion. 401 00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:49,902 -Where are the Band-Aids? -Oh, we've got some Paul Mitchell mousse. 402 00:17:49,985 --> 00:17:51,236 Wait, what's this? 403 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,738 -"Nair." -Hmm. 404 00:17:52,821 --> 00:17:55,115 That sounds like "no" and "hair." 405 00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:57,451 So, what do I do, slather this all over my crotch? 406 00:17:57,534 --> 00:18:00,621 Don't read the instructions, just empty that strange bottle on your bush. 407 00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:01,538 Okay. 408 00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,332 Ooh, it burns a little. Ha-ha. 409 00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:04,291 I hate this. 410 00:18:04,374 --> 00:18:06,251 Oh, it smells like sulfur. Oh, God. 411 00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:09,671 Huh. "Do not use after February, 1986." 412 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:10,964 Shit. What month is it? 413 00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:12,925 -Oh, fuck, this really hurts. 414 00:18:13,008 --> 00:18:15,260 Ooh! It's starting to smoke. 415 00:18:15,344 --> 00:18:18,305 Oh, God. Oh, my only set of balls. 416 00:18:18,388 --> 00:18:19,765 -Here, try this. -All right. 417 00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:23,519 -What the fuck was that? 418 00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:26,021 Hydrogen peroxide. Why? Does it sting? 419 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,232 -Yes, and it's not worth it! 420 00:18:28,315 --> 00:18:30,734 -It's turning your pubes green! -Oh… Oh… 421 00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:32,486 That feels a little better. 422 00:18:32,569 --> 00:18:34,446 -Stop laughing at me! 423 00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:37,032 -I'm not, Andrew. Your dick is. 424 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:40,369 Jared Leto and Joseph, it's the "Chodeker." 425 00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,871 The "Chodeker"? 426 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,749 Why so serious, Andrew? 427 00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:48,043 Feeling a little nuts? 428 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:51,713 Maury, we need to get to a hospital before my dick wins an Oscar. 429 00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:55,884 I just want to watch your balls burn! 430 00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:02,099 Ladies and gentlemen, the Shane Lizard. 431 00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:18,866 -Missy? 432 00:19:21,451 --> 00:19:22,286 Nicky! 433 00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:34,464 Just one more step! 434 00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:36,008 You got it! 435 00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:37,885 Whoa! Ahh! 436 00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:41,555 Andrew! Did you use my big scissors to cut your genital nest? 437 00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:43,390 -Disgusting! 438 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:13,629 -Does no one hear my penis singing? -We need to sedate this pervert. 439 00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:22,095 -Now clench and push. 440 00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:32,231 Yippee! 441 00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:57,381 Ha-ha! Take that, Brené Brown. 442 00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:01,260 I'm telling you, the future of health care is CBD oil. 443 00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:03,136 -This stuff is amazing. -Nick? 444 00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:05,681 Oh, hey, Jessi. What am I doing here? 445 00:21:05,764 --> 00:21:07,766 I mean, what, um, happened to your leg? 446 00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:10,560 I, um… I cut myself shaving. 447 00:21:10,644 --> 00:21:14,147 Oh, shit. It wasn't because of what I said about your leg hair, was it? 448 00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:15,899 No. No. 449 00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:18,652 Yes, kind of. Well, you and the whole world. 450 00:21:18,735 --> 00:21:21,154 Okay, good. So it's not my fault. But also, concerned. 451 00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:22,906 -What are you doing here? -Oh, um… 452 00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:25,617 My sweet little prince is taking care of his old man. 453 00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:29,288 I put my penis in a vacuum cleaner because I have such a small penis… 454 00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:30,289 Dad, please! 455 00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:31,707 …but Judd has a big penis. 456 00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:34,835 -Judd's penis? What now? -So who knows about Nicky's penis? 457 00:21:34,918 --> 00:21:36,670 I, for one, am curious. 458 00:21:36,753 --> 00:21:38,213 Missy, you're here too? 459 00:21:38,297 --> 00:21:40,966 Yep, my body has betrayed me, 460 00:21:41,049 --> 00:21:43,427 everything's gross, and our best days are behind us. 461 00:21:43,510 --> 00:21:45,012 Yes, exactly. 462 00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:48,181 This has been the most perfect day. 463 00:21:48,265 --> 00:21:50,684 I'm sorry. I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. 464 00:21:50,767 --> 00:21:54,229 I-- I gotta say, we all have something we don't like about ourselves, 465 00:21:54,313 --> 00:21:56,523 and the struggle to love our imperfections? 466 00:21:56,606 --> 00:21:57,774 It's a lifelong battle. 467 00:21:57,858 --> 00:21:59,484 Who the fuck's this guy? 468 00:21:59,568 --> 00:22:00,944 I'm ready to go home now. 469 00:22:01,028 --> 00:22:03,113 Lola, oh, my God, is this your dad? 470 00:22:03,196 --> 00:22:04,072 Oh, Rodney? 471 00:22:04,156 --> 00:22:07,284 No, he's my mom's parole officer and my emergency contact. 472 00:22:07,367 --> 00:22:08,201 Okay. 473 00:22:08,285 --> 00:22:11,038 Well, I think Lola's mom's parole officer is right. 474 00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:13,498 We all hate something about ourselves. 475 00:22:13,582 --> 00:22:16,710 No, no! Lola's mom's parole officer's wrong! 476 00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:19,504 Yeah, we just, like, mutilated our bodies. 477 00:22:19,588 --> 00:22:20,464 That's fucked up. 478 00:22:20,547 --> 00:22:23,550 -We need to cut ourselves some slack. -No! No slack! 479 00:22:23,633 --> 00:22:25,802 Hey, Lols, got any idea where Mom's at tonight? 480 00:22:25,886 --> 00:22:30,557 I have no idea, and even if I did, sweetie, you'd be the last to know. 481 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:33,769 Anyway, Wendy's closes in ten, so chop-chop! 482 00:22:33,852 --> 00:22:35,437 Oh, dear me. 483 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:38,065 -Wha-- What happened? 484 00:22:38,148 --> 00:22:40,108 The laughing, it's stopped. 485 00:22:40,192 --> 00:22:41,276 He's gone. 486 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,278 Oh, no! He's gone! 487 00:22:43,362 --> 00:22:45,697 Nurse? Hey, nurse? Nurse! 488 00:22:56,708 --> 00:23:00,087 I really thought I'd got my mojo back, 489 00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:03,256 but then right at the end, they went home slightly cheered up. 490 00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:05,592 -Uh-huh. -Why can't I ever get a win? 491 00:23:05,675 --> 00:23:07,177 Knicks won last night. 492 00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:10,764 Yes, I work closely with the whole Knicks organization, actually. 493 00:23:10,847 --> 00:23:13,809 The Knicks are named after a little man in my class. 494 00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:16,395 Yes, and Nick's not swimming, is he? 495 00:23:16,478 --> 00:23:19,022 -In fact, many of the children aren't. -Uh-huh. 496 00:23:19,106 --> 00:23:22,692 So, even if it wasn't perfect, I still had a good day. 497 00:23:22,776 --> 00:23:25,529 Thank you, Steve. What would I do without you? 498 00:23:25,612 --> 00:23:29,199 Drink the water from the pool because it looks so blue and delicious? 499 00:23:29,282 --> 00:23:30,826 -Oh, God. 500 00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:35,163 Hey, Matthew. I've been thinking about my uncircumcised dick all day… 501 00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:36,123 So have we! 502 00:23:36,206 --> 00:23:39,084 And I realized, when you thought it looked like an anteater, 503 00:23:39,167 --> 00:23:41,878 it's because, duh, you've never seen it hard! 504 00:23:41,962 --> 00:23:42,796 No duh, no duh! 505 00:23:42,879 --> 00:23:46,216 -Quick consent to show you my hard dick? -Yes, consent, consent. 506 00:23:46,299 --> 00:23:47,300 Um… Sure. 507 00:23:47,384 --> 00:23:51,304 See? It's like the anteater's skull pushed through its mouth. 508 00:23:51,388 --> 00:23:52,973 -Mm-hmm. -Fuckin' gnarly, right? 509 00:23:53,056 --> 00:23:56,268 Yeah, totally tubular. 510 00:23:56,351 --> 00:23:58,019 Maury, take a fucking picture. 511 00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:00,814 Got it. I also got a dick pic from the Shame Wizard. 512 00:24:00,897 --> 00:24:03,066 -Ugh! -Fuckin' gnarly, right? 513 00:24:03,150 --> 00:24:07,529 Hey, Devin, you know how you love egg salad sandwich on an artisan loaf? 514 00:24:07,612 --> 00:24:09,322 Yes, Lola, of course, who doesn't? 515 00:24:09,406 --> 00:24:12,492 Well, I made you one to say, "I'm sorry for having camel toe." 516 00:24:12,576 --> 00:24:14,953 What an interesting gesture. Thank you. 517 00:24:15,036 --> 00:24:19,416 Oh my God, pay no mind. I used a very special egg. 518 00:24:19,499 --> 00:24:21,418 Oh, Lola. This is delicious. 519 00:24:21,501 --> 00:24:23,795 Wait, really? Fork it over, I'm starving! 520 00:24:23,879 --> 00:24:25,338 Okay, but just one bite. 521 00:24:26,798 --> 00:24:29,468 Oh, Lola, you're crazy for this one. 522 00:24:29,551 --> 00:24:31,761 Chomp! 523 00:24:31,845 --> 00:24:35,098 Oh! Fuck! The circle's caught on my neck. 524 00:24:35,182 --> 00:24:36,725 Someone call Rodney! 525 00:25:06,588 --> 00:25:07,839 Yippee!