1 00:00:07,924 --> 00:00:09,592 [dreamy music plays] 2 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:10,593 Love you! 3 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:11,678 Love you! 4 00:00:11,761 --> 00:00:16,224 -That girl is so cool, right? -[sighs] She's the fucking coolest. 5 00:00:16,307 --> 00:00:19,519 She just left, and you already want to text her! 6 00:00:19,602 --> 00:00:23,231 Yeah, and I don't want her to be friends with anybody else, ever. Why is that? 7 00:00:23,314 --> 00:00:25,567 Because you love her, honey. 8 00:00:25,650 --> 00:00:28,111 That's why I'm here. I'm your lovebug. 9 00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:29,654 My "lovebug"? 10 00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:32,574 Okay! You and a girl? Yeah, I can work with that. 11 00:00:32,657 --> 00:00:35,785 Did you know I am a board-certified cunnilingus doula? 12 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,829 But my website says "Pussy Eating Coach." 13 00:00:37,912 --> 00:00:39,914 Okay, hold on. I'm into guys. 14 00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,458 Oh, that's true. 15 00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:44,044 She fucks Judd's shirt. She might be into shirts. 16 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:48,798 Ladies, I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about love. 17 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:51,676 The love between two best friends. 18 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,596 -You want to be Ali's number one. -I do! 19 00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:57,140 -You want to buy cheap matching necklaces. -Yeah! 20 00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:59,726 And choreograph stupid dances together! 21 00:00:59,809 --> 00:01:03,730 -We'll get a shared TikTok account. -And you'll have your own secret language! 22 00:01:03,813 --> 00:01:05,106 That's right! 23 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:07,358 We're gonna annoy the fuck out of everybody, 24 00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:09,319 and it's gonna be nogawooski! 25 00:01:09,402 --> 00:01:12,030 -What does that mean? -I can't tell you, you're not Ali. 26 00:01:12,113 --> 00:01:12,947 Oh, I love that. 27 00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:15,408 Hey, guys, I want to be part of this too. 28 00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:16,326 Ow! 29 00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:19,454 Oh! I fell on my nogawooski! 30 00:01:19,537 --> 00:01:21,790 -Did I use it right? -Mm, no, not at all. 31 00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:23,875 Oh, nogawooski! 32 00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:25,251 -How 'bout that time? -Nope. 33 00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:26,169 Shit! 34 00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:28,296 {\an8}["Changes " by Charles Bradley plays] 35 00:01:28,379 --> 00:01:33,885 {\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 36 00:01:38,014 --> 00:01:43,478 {\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 37 00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:46,231 {\an8}♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 38 00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:50,693 {\an8}♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪ 39 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:58,074 Who are the real-world Illuminati ? Find out @ saveanilluminati.com 40 00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:00,328 {\an8}[school bell rings] 41 00:02:00,411 --> 00:02:01,621 Ooh, there's Ali! 42 00:02:01,704 --> 00:02:04,624 Hurry, sit next to her! Hip check that human jelly donut! 43 00:02:04,707 --> 00:02:07,210 {\an8}-[grunts] -Hey! You spilled my breakfast Sprite. 44 00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:08,253 {\an8}Hey, girl! 45 00:02:08,336 --> 00:02:12,757 {\an8}Jessi, finally! We are local-ass celebrities! 46 00:02:12,841 --> 00:02:15,635 I can't believe they're getting all the credit for my idea! 47 00:02:15,718 --> 00:02:17,428 Those fucking slags! 48 00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:19,013 Oh! What's a slag? 49 00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:20,723 It's a term for a skeezy bitch, 50 00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:23,226 -who is not nogawooski. -Ugh! 51 00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:26,604 Vice Junior posted about us, and the Internet went banar-nar. 52 00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:27,522 Nice! 53 00:02:27,605 --> 00:02:31,818 We are now officially the Bridgeton Fightin' Steven Van Zandts. 54 00:02:31,901 --> 00:02:34,571 -[both laugh] -Those cops even had to apologize! 55 00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:39,367 We'd like to formally apologize for arresting those two teenage vandals. 56 00:02:39,450 --> 00:02:44,539 Ahem. As is protocol in the department, we will now publicly embarrass ourselves 57 00:02:44,622 --> 00:02:47,959 by dressing like the aggrieved party of those we wrongfully arrested. 58 00:02:48,042 --> 00:02:49,002 Here we go. 59 00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:51,087 Not gonna lie, I feel beautiful. 60 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:52,714 -[chuckles] -[in accent] "I love the way 61 00:02:52,797 --> 00:02:55,675 that little girl's tank top shows off my cop shoulders." 62 00:02:55,758 --> 00:02:58,011 [in accent] "Let's take the squad car over there 63 00:02:58,094 --> 00:03:00,013 to the Forever 21 here, there, now." 64 00:03:00,096 --> 00:03:02,056 -[laughs] -Hey, babe, what's that voice? 65 00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:05,768 It's just one of the cops who arrested us here, there, now, over there-- 66 00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:08,062 -You really had to be there, ma'am. -[laughs] 67 00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:11,649 I wish I had a windbreaker, because I'm on the outside of this inside joke. 68 00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:15,737 {\an8}Ugh! Why did I profess my love to Jessi when I could have just not? 69 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:17,947 Because, honey, you had to! 70 00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,909 You love her with all the heart in your giant head. 71 00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:22,785 {\an8}But now I have to be in the same room as her. 72 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:23,995 [Rick] Not for long, baby! 73 00:03:24,078 --> 00:03:26,623 I'm digging us a hole to the center of the Earth! 74 00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:28,416 You can live with the rock people! 75 00:03:28,499 --> 00:03:30,627 You're not going anywhere, Nick! 76 00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:33,922 Like my special work hat, 'cause I glued it on my head, baby! 77 00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:37,425 -Love doesn't back down, it doubles down! -Okay. 78 00:03:37,508 --> 00:03:41,512 You need to show her that you know her better than anyone else. 79 00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:46,309 That you hold a PhD in Jess-onomics from Glazer State. 80 00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:48,394 Or maybe I should, like, get her something. 81 00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,021 Girls like stuff, like objects. 82 00:03:50,104 --> 00:03:53,316 Yes! A gift. A token of your affection. 83 00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:55,401 Ooh! Give her my hat! [grunts] 84 00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:56,361 Oh, good Lord! 85 00:03:56,444 --> 00:03:58,988 -Uh-oh! There goes the neighborhood! -Ew! 86 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,032 Okay, listen up, everybody. 87 00:04:01,115 --> 00:04:04,118 Sadly, Ms. Raths is back in rehab. 88 00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:06,704 Ugh! The woman is a gambling addict. 89 00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:10,166 So, I'm your sub, Mr. Keating, and today, I want to introduce you 90 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:15,463 to somebody you might not think is very cool, but I personally love. 91 00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:18,091 Bill fucking Shakespeare! 92 00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:20,093 [gasps] Maury! Teacher cursed! 93 00:04:20,176 --> 00:04:22,470 This guy is premium cable cool! 94 00:04:22,553 --> 00:04:24,264 Now, if you could, do me a favor 95 00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:28,017 {\an8}and, uh, get rid of those fucking books! [grunts] 96 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,561 Fuck yeah, he did it again. He said "fuck" again. 97 00:04:30,645 --> 00:04:34,399 Now you won't find the real Shakespeare in some old book. 98 00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:36,859 Shakespeare is right here 99 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:40,655 because he wrote about all the same shit you guys are going through right now. 100 00:04:40,738 --> 00:04:42,365 You love each other, right? 101 00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:45,118 You hate each other, you betray each other… 102 00:04:45,201 --> 00:04:47,328 You fuck your skank-ass pillows 103 00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:50,498 and ruin the one good thing you had in your miserable life! 104 00:04:50,581 --> 00:04:52,709 Well, well, well, someone's read The Tempest. 105 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:53,626 What's up? [chuckles] 106 00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:56,212 But today we're actually starting with Othello, 107 00:04:56,296 --> 00:05:00,091 which is all about jealousy. 108 00:05:00,174 --> 00:05:04,178 It drives Othello to madness and murder! 109 00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:07,181 "Beware, my Lord, of jealousy. 110 00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:13,604 It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on!" 111 00:05:13,688 --> 00:05:18,484 Is this guy fucking Bounty? Because I am absorbed. 112 00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:21,195 Not me, I'm sopping wet. 113 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:24,991 So be real with me, guys. Middle school sucks, right? 114 00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:28,870 And I know some of you are feeling that green-eyed monster right now. 115 00:05:28,953 --> 00:05:30,079 Oh, yes, yes. Me! 116 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:34,292 Me, Mr. Keating. I'm jealous every time I go to my friend Nick's house. 117 00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,753 His parents are nice and he has the good snacks, 118 00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:38,504 and that's why I hate him. 119 00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:39,630 What? You hate me? 120 00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:41,382 Oh, shut the fuck up. 121 00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:43,676 I don't hate you. I hate the life you live. 122 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,553 [chuckles] All right, little dude. 123 00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:47,347 Very brave of you to share that. 124 00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:48,389 I like your energy. 125 00:05:48,473 --> 00:05:50,600 You hear that? He likes my energy. 126 00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:53,269 -Ooh, you're gonna be the teacher's pet. -Yeah. 127 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:57,732 Wear a leash and shit on the grass while you stare directly into his eyes. 128 00:05:57,815 --> 00:06:00,943 Oh, yeah, I made a big one, Mr. Keating. 129 00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:04,781 Hold my warm shit in your hand and tell me I'm a good boy. 130 00:06:04,864 --> 00:06:07,116 Okay, school's finally over. 131 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,619 -Now we can have Ali all to ourselves. -[gasps] 132 00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:11,621 Invite her over for chip salad. 133 00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:14,374 That's a big bowl with all different kinds of chips. 134 00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:16,542 So, Ali, what are we doing now? 135 00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:18,211 We're doing chip salad, dummy! 136 00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:21,172 Oh, uh, well, Samira's parents are working late, 137 00:06:21,255 --> 00:06:24,258 so we were just gonna go to her house and finger each other all afternoon. 138 00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:25,218 Oh, okay. 139 00:06:25,301 --> 00:06:27,595 Sorry, it's hard to choose anything over fingering. 140 00:06:27,678 --> 00:06:29,305 Bye there, over there. 141 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,599 [voice distorts] That quiet little creep! 142 00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:33,893 [grunts, roars] 143 00:06:35,269 --> 00:06:36,104 [growls] 144 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:37,772 What the hell was that? 145 00:06:37,855 --> 00:06:39,607 You became a green-eyed monster, 146 00:06:39,690 --> 00:06:42,360 like Othello in that book your teacher kicked! 147 00:06:42,443 --> 00:06:45,780 I'm not jealous. It's not like I want to be Ali's girlfriend. 148 00:06:45,863 --> 00:06:47,698 But you want to be her number one! 149 00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:50,952 Also, Samira sucks ass through a straw! 150 00:06:51,035 --> 00:06:53,204 Yeah! Through a big boba tea straw. 151 00:06:53,287 --> 00:06:55,706 Yeah, boba butt! Chew on that boba butt, you bitch! 152 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,125 Boba bubble-butt bitch! 153 00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:58,292 [grunts] 154 00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:04,841 My lord, as you gaze upon Jayzerian, your sword swells with penis nectar. 155 00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:05,925 Maury, what are you doing? 156 00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:08,136 The new teacher's got me horny for Shakespeare. 157 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:09,095 Oh, dear! 158 00:07:09,178 --> 00:07:12,181 Make haste! Tell Jay you've discarded Aiden, 159 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:16,310 that he may lay his pearly eggs upon thine chest. 160 00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:18,980 Ugh. Please don't talk that way this entire episode. 161 00:07:19,063 --> 00:07:22,650 [grunts] Hey, Charles! If you're gonna get serious about magic, 162 00:07:22,733 --> 00:07:24,652 -you gotta have your own deck. -Cool. 163 00:07:24,735 --> 00:07:27,738 I drew tits on all the queens and dicks on all the kings. 164 00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:32,201 Don't think I forgot about those jacks, because those guys are jackin' off. 165 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:35,204 -Thanks. -So, last night was cool, right? 166 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,289 The magic was sick. 167 00:07:36,372 --> 00:07:38,499 The magic was so sick! 168 00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:41,377 Almost as sick as your mouth when we hardcore frenched. 169 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:44,172 -See you later, dude. -Okay, dude. Uh, enjoy the cards. 170 00:07:44,255 --> 00:07:47,884 I wish I was one of them so I could feel your hot fingers all over my three. 171 00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:48,843 [chuckles] 172 00:07:48,926 --> 00:07:50,136 Three's my butt. 173 00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,513 Oh, uh, hello. 174 00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:58,186 Oh, Thello, m'lord. I doff my cap to thee, for ye teach-eth like a summer's eve. 175 00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:01,355 There's that great energy again, but you can talk normally. 176 00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:04,275 [chuckles] Oh, I shan't, for you hath bewitched me. 177 00:08:04,358 --> 00:08:06,486 -Well, Billy Shakes can do that. -Ha-ha! 178 00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:08,529 "All the world's a stage, 179 00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:11,199 and all the men and women merely players." 180 00:08:11,282 --> 00:08:13,701 Wow, I normally hate this kind of shit, 181 00:08:13,784 --> 00:08:16,037 but you make it sound fun, like Jack Sparrow. 182 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:16,954 Thank you? 183 00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:21,000 Why the hell are you wasting your time with a bunch of loser, idiot kids? 184 00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:22,543 You should be a big-time actor. 185 00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:27,006 Yeah, well, I have been doing a weekly show. "Shakes Beer in the Bar." 186 00:08:27,089 --> 00:08:29,217 So you're treading the boards. 187 00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:31,385 Very, very cool, Mr. Keating. 188 00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:32,762 Hey, man, you can call me Dylan. 189 00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:34,472 [sighing] Okay, Dylan. 190 00:08:34,555 --> 00:08:36,474 [time slows] 191 00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:41,604 You know you have a very irregular heartbeat, right? 192 00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:44,899 [chuckles] Yeah. My doctor says I have "Grandpa heart." 193 00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:45,900 [doorbell rings] 194 00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:49,529 Oh, hey, Nick. A skunk ran through the apartment, 195 00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:50,530 -is that smell. -Uh-huh. 196 00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:52,698 Want a pizza bagel smothered in peanut butter? 197 00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:55,368 Uh, no, thanks, Mr. Glazer. I-is Jessi home? 198 00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:57,161 Sorry, bud. She's out to dinner with her mom. 199 00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:59,872 Oh. Okay. I just got her a little something and I thought-- 200 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:02,166 Oh, shit, is it Jessi's birthday? 201 00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:03,960 Oh, it's not Jessi's birthday. 202 00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:08,089 I--I got her something special to show her how well I know her. 203 00:09:08,172 --> 00:09:11,342 {\an8}It's a Ruth Bader Ginsburg action figure. It--it planks. 204 00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:14,554 Very cool. Can we say it's from Nick and Dad? 205 00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:16,347 Uh, no. It's from me. 206 00:09:16,430 --> 00:09:17,974 Right on. You can leave it in her room. 207 00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:18,891 Is that weird or… 208 00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:20,893 No weirder than that skunk in my apartment. 209 00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:23,854 [inhales, speaks in French accent] Hello, I'm super high. [exhales] 210 00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:28,150 Let's melt a bowl of chocolate chips and watch The Matrix trilogy. [chuckles] 211 00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:29,860 {\an8}Are we sure about this? 212 00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:33,531 Yes! Women love to find surprises in their most intimate places. 213 00:09:33,614 --> 00:09:34,490 They do? 214 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:35,491 [gasps] That's it! 215 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:38,077 You should leave the gift under her pillow! 216 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,538 No way, man, put it in her underwears drawer! 217 00:09:40,621 --> 00:09:43,541 -Huh? -Then we can sneak a peek at her socks. 218 00:09:43,624 --> 00:09:45,334 I insist on the pillow, Nick. 219 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,920 -Okay. -You'll be a sensual tooth fairy. 220 00:09:48,504 --> 00:09:51,299 Wait, hold on. Whoa, whoa, is-- is this Judd's shirt? 221 00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:53,301 Why would she have your brother's shirt? 222 00:09:53,384 --> 00:09:56,345 Oh, my God. Have Jessi and Judd been hooking up? 223 00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:57,763 That son of a bitch! 224 00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:59,599 Put her birthday present in the trash! 225 00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:02,268 Yes, and destroy that revolting shirt. 226 00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:04,353 Zip, zap, take a shit on that. 227 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:08,274 Turn the pillow over and let her sleep in your scat! 228 00:10:08,357 --> 00:10:12,820 No! If the shirt's gone and she talks to her dad, she'll know it was me. 229 00:10:12,903 --> 00:10:15,740 I'm just gonna put it back and get the fuck out of here. 230 00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:17,825 Nick! Wait! Before you go, 231 00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:21,912 can you write down Jessi's birthday on the back of this Chinese menu? 232 00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:26,083 Ooh! Are we ordering Chinese? Get me one million egg roll. 233 00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,669 "Roast me in sulfur! 234 00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:31,756 Wash me in steep-down gulfs of liquid fire!" 235 00:10:31,839 --> 00:10:34,467 Oh, Desdemona! Dead!" 236 00:10:34,550 --> 00:10:35,676 Thank God! 237 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,679 Uh, the young man at the bar sent you a drink. 238 00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:39,597 Young man? 239 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:40,973 [dramatic sting] 240 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,308 -Hark, good sir! -Ah! 241 00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:44,226 Andrew? How the hell'd you get in here? 242 00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:46,145 I let the bouncer feel my heart beat 243 00:10:46,228 --> 00:10:47,647 and I got a senior discount. 244 00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:50,191 So, what shall we do now, Dylan? 245 00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:52,318 I say you guys split a Dr. Pepper, 246 00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:55,237 and he tells you what sex with a girl feels like. 247 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,948 Hey, babe, Mika and Tim snagged us a table next door. 248 00:10:58,032 --> 00:10:59,158 Who the fuck is this? 249 00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:00,576 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Andrew. 250 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:03,579 This is my fiancée, Sarah. Andrew is one of my students. 251 00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,998 Aww, you came out to support your teacher? 252 00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:07,458 That makes my heart melt. 253 00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:11,379 Yes, very sweet, but unfortunately, Andrew has to go home now. 254 00:11:11,462 --> 00:11:15,091 I see. You have "plans" with Sarah. 255 00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:16,717 Of course. [chuckles] 256 00:11:16,801 --> 00:11:19,220 Just one thing before you leave, darling. 257 00:11:19,303 --> 00:11:20,846 -[voice distorts] Die! -Ah! 258 00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:22,515 {\an8}-[Andrew grunting] -[choking] 259 00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:24,642 Shakespeare! Shakespeare! Shakespeare! 260 00:11:24,725 --> 00:11:26,143 So nice to meet you, Andrew! 261 00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,270 Okay. Bye, Sarah. 262 00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:30,856 So nice to meet you… 263 00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:31,982 Not! 264 00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:33,150 [school bell rings] 265 00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:36,195 Hey, Jessi, Samira's got karate this afternoon. 266 00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:37,780 -Weird. -Wanna come over and hang out? 267 00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,782 Yeah, I mean, I guess we could hang. 268 00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:40,783 Fuck yes! 269 00:11:40,866 --> 00:11:43,536 Okay, get ready to take your shoes off because… [gasps] 270 00:11:43,619 --> 00:11:46,080 …that's an extremely important part of my culture. 271 00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:49,667 Ooh, we're gonna talk so much shit about Samira! 272 00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:52,420 I bet she rolls her dingleberries in her fingers. 273 00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:55,172 -That's what I had heard too. [chuckles] -[Missy] Ugh! 274 00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:56,465 I'm gonna go over there. 275 00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,384 I'm gonna give Jessi a piece of my mind! 276 00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:01,178 She'll grovel for forgiveness, and while she's down there, 277 00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:04,890 you can turn around, and she'll eat your sweet bunghole! 278 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,600 And then the healing can begin. 279 00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:09,854 Jessi, I don't mean to ambush you, but I gotta tell you, 280 00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:13,858 I feel like I have lyme disease because, deer, I am ticked off! 281 00:12:13,941 --> 00:12:16,318 I'm sorry. What are you talking about? 282 00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:17,862 You took over my affinity group. 283 00:12:17,945 --> 00:12:20,197 I'm not saying that you need to smooch my booty, 284 00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:22,074 but you know what? You should apologize! 285 00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:26,996 Fine. I am sorry, I guess, for helping you get rid of the mascot, 286 00:12:27,079 --> 00:12:28,789 which is exactly what you wanted? 287 00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,791 This dry cunt calls that an apology? 288 00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:34,920 That's not… I don't think you should come to the affinity group meetings anymore. 289 00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:37,506 Oh, no, I can't come to your boring meetings? 290 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:38,799 That's such a bummer. 291 00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:43,179 It is a bummer! Because there's going to be vegan pizza. So, it is a bummer. 292 00:12:43,262 --> 00:12:45,473 I can't believe she's hooking up with my brother. 293 00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:47,767 Yeah! You wanna be fucking your brother! 294 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:52,730 What does she even see in that quiet, tall, dark, oh, brooding jungle cat? 295 00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:54,190 -Hey, Walter? -Uh-- Sorry. 296 00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:55,399 Fucking Sarah. 297 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:58,402 She doesn't get Dylan like you do. You should be the fiancé! 298 00:12:58,486 --> 00:12:59,945 "Andrew Keating." 299 00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:04,283 -It's poetic, right? Like Shakespeare. -Have you done any of the reading? 300 00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:06,660 What? There's reading? I thought, "Fuck books." 301 00:13:06,744 --> 00:13:08,412 I threw away all the books I own. 302 00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:12,583 All right, dudes, we've got a lot of exciting stuff to dig into today. 303 00:13:12,666 --> 00:13:15,044 So can I get a volunteer to perform their homework? 304 00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:15,961 "Homework"? 305 00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,630 Ugh! Volunteering is a joke. 306 00:13:17,713 --> 00:13:19,757 [chuckles] It's like, uh, get paid! 307 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,593 But at the same time, I crave the spotlight. 308 00:13:22,676 --> 00:13:24,261 Action, Lola! 309 00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:28,474 "To be, or not to be, that is the question." 310 00:13:28,557 --> 00:13:31,143 'Tis nobler in the Mind of Mencia 311 00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:35,940 to suffer the CW's Arrow of Nutrageous fortune? 312 00:13:36,023 --> 00:13:39,735 Or is it more like, "If being alive means I have to watch Jay be happy, 313 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,571 I'd rather leap off the fucking Verrazano"? 314 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:45,950 So that's Hamlet, which of course, is French for "tiny ham". So… 315 00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:49,829 Wow! Lola! You really made it your own. Jam on. 316 00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:51,622 Jam on indeed. Go, Lola. 317 00:13:51,705 --> 00:13:54,416 -[chuckles, snorts] -Oh, yeah, I guess that was okay. 318 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,168 If you like dog shit. 319 00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,880 Andrew! That is so uncool and completely uncalled for! 320 00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:04,260 Dylan! Dyl! Dyl-pickle! Why so sour? 321 00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:07,221 It's me, Drew. Quit gherkin me around. 322 00:14:07,304 --> 00:14:09,640 Andrew, please, not another word from you. 323 00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:10,891 And call me Mr. Keating. 324 00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:14,395 Okay, Mr. Keating, if that's what you'd like, 325 00:14:14,478 --> 00:14:16,897 -we'll do things your way. -[ominous music plays] 326 00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:18,858 -[both] Mr. Keating. -[dramatic sting] 327 00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:20,901 -Hey, Matthew? -Behold! 328 00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:23,153 'Tis the object of your erection. 329 00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:26,156 Do you have a second to talk about gay shit with me? 330 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:27,950 Ooh, like how Glenn Close was robbed? 331 00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:28,909 -Huh? -Never mind. 332 00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:32,580 Full disclosure, I have to piss real bad so I'm gonna pinch the head of my dick. 333 00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:34,206 -Gross. -Have you ever kissed a guy 334 00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:37,334 and you can't stop thinking about him, but he's with someone else? 335 00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:38,919 [gasps] Does he speaketh of thee? 336 00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,963 And he acts like you don't exist? 337 00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:42,715 Oh, my God, it's totally ye! 338 00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:47,887 Okay, um, before you go any further, FYI, Aiden and I aren't together anymore. 339 00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:49,597 -Ye, ye, ye, ye! -Aw. 340 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,807 I'm so sorry to hear that, man, that sucks. 341 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,602 But what the fuck does it have to do with me and Charles Lu? 342 00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:55,936 Excuse ye? 343 00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:58,063 Isn't Charles dating Gina? 344 00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:00,399 Yeah, but he's been sneaking little smooches with me. 345 00:15:00,482 --> 00:15:01,483 [growls] 346 00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:04,737 [voice distorts] Motherfucking Charles Lu? 347 00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:06,405 [screams] 348 00:15:06,488 --> 00:15:08,991 My eyes exploded! Awesome! 349 00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:09,950 Ugh! 350 00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:13,412 They're back! Awesome! I love anything! 351 00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:14,747 [Jay] So, what do I do? 352 00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:16,916 Giveth him ill and stinky counsel 353 00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:20,669 that his relationship with Charles Lu may rot and decay. 354 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,005 Jay, you know what always works? 355 00:15:23,088 --> 00:15:24,048 Ultimatums! 356 00:15:24,131 --> 00:15:26,926 "Multimatums." Go on… 357 00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:29,637 Tell Charles if he doesn't dump Gina, 358 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:33,265 come out to the whole school, and say you're his boyfriend, 359 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:36,060 then you guys are done and you'll find someone else. 360 00:15:36,143 --> 00:15:38,354 What a long and evil plan, my liege. 361 00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:40,147 Okay, sounds good. 362 00:15:40,230 --> 00:15:42,107 While we were talking, I pissed my pants, 363 00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:45,819 so I'm gonna go to my car, change my pants, then talk to Charles Lu. 364 00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:49,740 -I'm sorry, you have a car? -Oh, yeah, I don't really drive it. 365 00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:51,533 It's mostly for pants. 366 00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:52,868 Lo, there it is. 367 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:55,120 A Corolla full of boys' pants. 368 00:15:55,204 --> 00:15:56,121 What a guy! 369 00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:58,415 No one else came to your meeting. 370 00:15:58,499 --> 00:15:59,708 I can see that, Caleb! 371 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,418 This is all Jessi's fault! 372 00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:04,046 That slippery ginge turned everyone against you! 373 00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:06,757 [distorted scream] 374 00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:10,135 You should have ordered traditional pizza. 375 00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:13,097 Meeting adjourned. 376 00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:14,306 [knocking lightly] 377 00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:16,225 I'm, like, weirdly excited. 378 00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:18,352 Me too. How's my breath? [exhales] 379 00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:19,979 -Smells like pussy. -Okay, good. 380 00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:22,314 Oh, hey… there. 381 00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:25,234 What the hell? You were supposed to have alone time with Ali. 382 00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:28,529 Samira! So psyched to see you here. 383 00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:31,240 Yeah, her karate class got canceled. Isn't this perfect? 384 00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:32,282 Yeah, it's the best. 385 00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:35,077 Jessi was giving me a hard time about taking her shoes off. 386 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,121 Oh, that's how it's gonna be, huh? 387 00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:39,999 Because I know how to fight. I dated Chuck Norris. 388 00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:43,669 Hey, Jessi! Have you ever had someone karate chop your clit? 389 00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:44,586 Probably not. 390 00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:46,714 [Judd grunting] 391 00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:49,174 Your own brother. What a betrayal. 392 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:50,676 That motherfucker, Josh. 393 00:16:50,759 --> 00:16:51,593 [growls] 394 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:53,470 Die, you snake in the grass! 395 00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:54,972 -[grunting] -[Leah screams] 396 00:16:57,099 --> 00:17:00,060 Hey, Judd, could you pass me the salad dressing, you fucking slut? 397 00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:01,562 How about some balsamic, bitch! 398 00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:02,771 Boys, stop! 399 00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:06,442 Nicky, why on Earth would you slut-shame your brother at the table? 400 00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:10,988 Because he's hooking up with Jessi, Woody-Allen-Leo-DiCaprio-Drake-ass bitch! 401 00:17:11,071 --> 00:17:12,489 What the fuck are you talking about? 402 00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:15,951 -I found your shirt under her pillow. -Sounds like your friend's a klepto. 403 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:19,580 Nicky, is it possible that Jessi has a little crush on Judd? 404 00:17:19,663 --> 00:17:23,250 Oh, my God. She'd rather have an imaginary relationship with your brother 405 00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:24,543 than a real one with you? 406 00:17:24,626 --> 00:17:26,420 Jesus, I gotta get out of here. 407 00:17:26,503 --> 00:17:30,007 Aww. Jessi likes Judd? That's so weird and cute. 408 00:17:30,090 --> 00:17:33,177 -This is not cute. My life's a nightmare! -Nicky, wait! 409 00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:34,678 No! Oh! 410 00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:35,763 [groans] 411 00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:38,182 For what it's worth, I have a crush on you, Nicky. 412 00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:41,101 I plan my whole day around bumping into you in the hallway. 413 00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:42,478 [Andrew and Sarah laugh] 414 00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:44,938 [Andrew] Oh, Sarah. Come on. You're the most. 415 00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,232 -Dylan! Look who's here. -What the fuck? 416 00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:49,234 This boy is so sweet. 417 00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:51,945 He came all the way here just to bring you your pen. 418 00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:54,239 You left it at school, silly. 419 00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:57,493 You've got to be careful with your nice things, Dylan. 420 00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:00,996 Okay, uh, Andrew, can--can I talk to you in the other room, please? 421 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,664 Sure. Be right back, Sarah. 422 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,458 What are you doing here? 423 00:18:04,541 --> 00:18:08,796 I'm here to drop off your pen, and I got to know your pretty little wife. 424 00:18:08,879 --> 00:18:11,548 She's actually not my wife, she's my fiancée. 425 00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:13,675 Well, she's actually not that pretty. 426 00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:16,303 Okay, that's enough. What do you want from me? 427 00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:17,930 He wants you to love him! 428 00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:19,598 I want you to love me! 429 00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:21,850 What? Andrew! I am your teacher. 430 00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:24,645 No, not even. I'm your substitute! 431 00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:26,772 Is it Sarah? Is that the problem? 432 00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:28,690 Because I sure hope she doesn't have 433 00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:32,194 some sort of terrible accident at the library. 434 00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:34,822 How do you know she works at the library? 435 00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:41,245 Oh, I know all about Sarah Morgan, and I've got a library card, I think. 436 00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:46,250 {\an8}Perhaps I'll pay your homely little fiancée a visit in the stacks. 437 00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:48,168 {\an8}You need to get out of here right now! 438 00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:49,253 Dylan? Ow! 439 00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:50,754 -Come on! -You're hurting me! 440 00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:52,172 Honey, what's going on? 441 00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:54,299 Oh, nothing. Everything's totally fine here. 442 00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:55,592 Andrew just has to leave! 443 00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:59,429 Oh! Dylan, just promise me that you'll think of me 444 00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:02,015 -when you eat out your wife! -Ew! 445 00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:04,810 I thought that was a totally reasonable request. 446 00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:06,937 -[chatter on laptop] -Do you guys want some snacks? 447 00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:10,232 Maybe Jessi should go get them from Timbuktu. 448 00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:11,567 Joke's on her. 449 00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:14,278 You got the most meaningful snack in the world. 450 00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:17,364 I actually brought us some of Daddy Greg's pineapple chews! 451 00:19:17,447 --> 00:19:18,448 Oh, hells yeah! 452 00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:19,783 We're gonna fart so hard 453 00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:21,326 -your Wi-Fi goes out. -[both laugh] 454 00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:23,245 I don't know what's so funny about toilet humor… 455 00:19:23,328 --> 00:19:26,165 [in accent] You've gotta try this here pineapple here, there, Samira. 456 00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:28,041 [in accent] Which I did with my mouth. 457 00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:29,376 -[both laugh] -That voice again. 458 00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:31,879 You don't like farts, you don't like my voice. 459 00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:34,673 -What do you like, Karate Kid? [farts] -[laughs] 460 00:19:34,756 --> 00:19:36,008 Don't fart on me! 461 00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:39,303 I didn't fart on you, Samira, I farted over here, there. 462 00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:40,971 [voice distorts] Shut up! 463 00:19:41,054 --> 00:19:42,472 Oh, my goddess! 464 00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:44,850 [crashes] 465 00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:46,310 [gasps, grunts] 466 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,103 [Samira roars] 467 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,271 [Jessi growls] 468 00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:51,732 -[roars] -[dramatic music plays] 469 00:19:51,815 --> 00:19:54,943 -What the fuck is going on? -[Jessi grunting] 470 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:56,486 [roars] 471 00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:58,363 You should kill your whole family. 472 00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:01,742 Then you can live in a tree house and eat Sour Patch Kids for dinner. 473 00:20:01,825 --> 00:20:03,827 Nick, I figured it out. 474 00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:05,704 {\an8}This is actually a good thing. 475 00:20:05,787 --> 00:20:08,332 How is it good that Jessi's in love with my brother? 476 00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:12,961 Because! You know that Judd doesn't give a wombat's ass about her. 477 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,755 -Uh-huh. Uh-huh. -But she doesn't. 478 00:20:14,838 --> 00:20:19,301 Now you just need to let Jessi know that her dreams are foolish! 479 00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:23,472 Yes! She'll be so devastated she'll fall right in love with me. 480 00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:26,683 Yeah! It's the perfect murder. 481 00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:28,727 [laughs] 482 00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:32,356 You're so fucking annoying! 483 00:20:32,439 --> 00:20:33,565 [grunts] 484 00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:34,650 -[grunts] -[alarm blares] 485 00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:36,902 Well, you dress like an Amish widow! 486 00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:38,737 Hi-yah! 487 00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:39,780 [grunts] 488 00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:43,992 [struggling] 489 00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:47,287 Stay away from my girlfriend! 490 00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:51,291 -Guys, stop it! You're being assholes! -What is she even doing here? 491 00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:52,751 Sami, calm down! 492 00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:54,836 Why are you taking her side? 493 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,713 I'm not taking anybody's side. 494 00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:59,758 I'm your girlfriend, Ali, and she's just some jerk you fart with. 495 00:20:59,841 --> 00:21:00,968 Uh, I'm her friend! 496 00:21:01,051 --> 00:21:02,803 Well, it's her or me. 497 00:21:02,886 --> 00:21:05,973 [scoffs] Sami! Can we dial back the drama a fuckin' smidge? 498 00:21:06,056 --> 00:21:07,849 I just don't like the way you are with her. 499 00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:10,769 I don't like the way you guys treat me when you're together. 500 00:21:10,852 --> 00:21:13,897 Well, I don't like you giving me an ultimatum like a jealous freak! 501 00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:16,483 Well, then, it seems like you've made your choice. 502 00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:20,070 -What's that supposed to mean? -It means I'm breaking up with you. 503 00:21:20,153 --> 00:21:21,446 -What? -[crying] 504 00:21:21,530 --> 00:21:23,699 -Holy shit. They broke up! -We win! 505 00:21:23,782 --> 00:21:25,701 That was so nogawooski! 506 00:21:25,784 --> 00:21:29,538 -Hey! I think you used it right that time! -[cries] 507 00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:32,165 Oh, man. Ali, are you okay? 508 00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:34,668 That was hard but necessary, right? 509 00:21:34,751 --> 00:21:37,713 No! Jessi, why couldn't you just have been cool with her? 510 00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:39,006 Oh, shit, she's mad. 511 00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:43,093 Is it possible she really liked that boring, boba, bubble-butt bitch? 512 00:21:43,176 --> 00:21:45,637 I'm sorry. Something came over me. 513 00:21:45,721 --> 00:21:47,264 Yeah, I think you should go. 514 00:21:47,347 --> 00:21:49,391 Honey, maybe let's give her some space. 515 00:21:49,474 --> 00:21:51,810 -Okay, I guess I'll see you at school. -[cries] 516 00:21:51,893 --> 00:21:56,231 I think we should go home, reflect on what we've done, and of course, 517 00:21:56,315 --> 00:21:58,567 stuff Judd's shirt in your underpants. 518 00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:00,152 {\an8}[school bell rings] 519 00:22:00,235 --> 00:22:02,154 Hey, Charles, can I talk to you? 520 00:22:02,237 --> 00:22:04,740 -You know, handsome bro to handsome bro? -Okay. 521 00:22:04,823 --> 00:22:10,203 Take a seat in ye front row of old to watch thine horny plan unfold. 522 00:22:10,287 --> 00:22:11,955 Well, everyone likes to sit. 523 00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:14,875 Listen up, Charles, if you want to keep hooking up with me, 524 00:22:14,958 --> 00:22:16,251 you need to dump Gina, 525 00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:19,463 tell everyone you're gay, and be like my full-on boyfriend. 526 00:22:19,546 --> 00:22:21,423 -Nah. -Okay, okay. 527 00:22:21,506 --> 00:22:24,760 Counter offer, dump Gina, tell some people you're gay, 528 00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:28,347 and we have a TV show we watch together that's quote, "our show." 529 00:22:28,430 --> 00:22:31,433 -Mmm, no. -No, no, no. Wait, wait. Final offer. 530 00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:34,895 You stay with Gina, secretly hook up with me when it's convenient for you, 531 00:22:34,978 --> 00:22:36,938 and I give you a baseball as a present. 532 00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:39,816 -Cool. -It's signed by Pete Rose's dead brother. 533 00:22:39,900 --> 00:22:41,526 I--I gotta go. Later, dude. 534 00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:42,944 Oh, okay. Later, dude! 535 00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:44,071 [chuckles] Yes! 536 00:22:44,154 --> 00:22:46,281 What the hell happened? You didn't follow the plan. 537 00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:48,700 And it went even better than I thought! 538 00:22:48,784 --> 00:22:51,453 Because now I'm his motherfucking sidepiece! 539 00:22:51,536 --> 00:22:52,704 That's not what you want! 540 00:22:52,788 --> 00:22:56,666 Um, isn't it? I am his secret sex meat, Matthew. 541 00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:58,335 Just like my dad's assistant Marsha, 542 00:22:58,418 --> 00:23:00,754 his intern Marsha, and his sister-in-law Marsha. 543 00:23:00,837 --> 00:23:02,923 Sidepiece wolf! [howling] 544 00:23:03,006 --> 00:23:05,759 I can't believe I dumped Aiden for nothing. 545 00:23:05,842 --> 00:23:07,052 This is all your fault. 546 00:23:07,135 --> 00:23:08,387 "It gets better"? 547 00:23:08,470 --> 00:23:10,806 -Don't you fucking dare. -Sorry. 548 00:23:10,889 --> 00:23:12,140 [school bell rings] 549 00:23:12,724 --> 00:23:16,019 -Hey, how are you doing? -Pretty shitty. Thanks for asking. 550 00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:18,271 [groans] I really fucked up. 551 00:23:18,355 --> 00:23:21,066 -We all fucked up. -[sighs] We did. 552 00:23:21,149 --> 00:23:23,193 -Uh, Jessi? -Oh, God, what now? 553 00:23:23,276 --> 00:23:26,029 I'm afraid I have some im-important news for you. 554 00:23:26,113 --> 00:23:28,198 -Okay. -And I really, really hate that 555 00:23:28,281 --> 00:23:29,908 I have to be the one to tell you this… 556 00:23:29,991 --> 00:23:32,619 -Uh-huh. -…but, um, Judd, my brother… 557 00:23:32,702 --> 00:23:34,121 Why's he talking about Judd? 558 00:23:34,204 --> 00:23:35,831 …is not interested in you. 559 00:23:35,914 --> 00:23:37,040 [gags, vomits] 560 00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:38,500 What are you talking about? 561 00:23:38,583 --> 00:23:40,877 I know about the shirt. And Judd knows about the shirt. 562 00:23:40,961 --> 00:23:42,671 And my whole family knows about the shirt. 563 00:23:42,754 --> 00:23:44,423 -What shirt? -Jessi, let's not do this. 564 00:23:44,506 --> 00:23:46,925 I'm talking about Judd's shirt that you keep under your pillow. 565 00:23:47,008 --> 00:23:49,386 -[all gasping] -Oh, my God! Were you in my room? 566 00:23:49,469 --> 00:23:51,304 Look, I know this is upsetting, 567 00:23:51,388 --> 00:23:54,099 but the important thing is that I'm here for you, 568 00:23:54,182 --> 00:23:55,892 because, Jessi, I love you. 569 00:23:55,976 --> 00:23:58,478 -Nick, are you seriously doing this again? -[Lola] Oh, my God. 570 00:23:58,562 --> 00:24:02,023 Yes, I am. I'm doubling down, because that's what love is. 571 00:24:02,107 --> 00:24:03,942 I just don't like you that way. 572 00:24:04,025 --> 00:24:05,485 -Why not? -Drop it, Nick! 573 00:24:05,569 --> 00:24:09,197 No, tell me! Y-you have to tell me. I deserve to know! 574 00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:12,033 -Because I do not want to date you. -[students gasp] 575 00:24:12,117 --> 00:24:13,910 I am not into you. 576 00:24:13,994 --> 00:24:16,079 You do not make me horny. 577 00:24:16,163 --> 00:24:17,164 Is that enough? 578 00:24:17,247 --> 00:24:19,416 Oh, my God! 579 00:24:19,499 --> 00:24:23,628 Shakespeare would get a big, old British boner for all this drama! 580 00:24:23,712 --> 00:24:25,088 Uh, Walter? 581 00:24:25,172 --> 00:24:29,092 Alas, Nicholas. This one 'tis a fatal blow. 582 00:24:29,176 --> 00:24:32,179 I drank some hemlock, but just in case… 583 00:24:32,262 --> 00:24:33,513 [grunts] 584 00:24:33,597 --> 00:24:37,809 Look, I drank some Diet Pepsi. But just in case, Pop Rocks! 585 00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:39,436 -[fizzling, popping] -[grunts] 586 00:24:40,145 --> 00:24:41,229 Oh, shit. 587 00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:44,191 Everybody, settle down, just take your seats. 588 00:24:44,274 --> 00:24:46,067 Okay, thank God he's not here. 589 00:24:46,151 --> 00:24:47,986 -So sorry I'm late, Mr. Keating. -Ah! 590 00:24:48,069 --> 00:24:49,613 I was finishing my homework. 591 00:24:49,696 --> 00:24:51,740 It's okay, Andrew. Please just take your seat. 592 00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:54,159 I can't wait for you to see what I've done. 593 00:24:54,242 --> 00:24:56,286 I worked very hard on it. 594 00:24:56,369 --> 00:25:00,290 -I even took a trip to the library! -[dramatic sting] 595 00:25:00,373 --> 00:25:02,209 -I have a gun! -[students scream] 596 00:25:02,292 --> 00:25:03,668 Remember the drill. 597 00:25:03,752 --> 00:25:06,963 Not on me, it's in my car. But I can see it from here. 598 00:25:07,047 --> 00:25:09,382 It's right next to that Corolla full of pants. 599 00:25:09,466 --> 00:25:13,512 And I swear to God I will use it if you don't stay away from my wife! 600 00:25:13,595 --> 00:25:15,555 I thought she was your fiancée. 601 00:25:15,639 --> 00:25:17,390 Fuck! Yes, she is. 602 00:25:17,474 --> 00:25:21,311 And I will not think about you when I eat her out! 603 00:25:22,354 --> 00:25:25,440 You got Mr. Keating fired, you fat duck! 604 00:25:25,524 --> 00:25:29,444 He's the only teacher to believe in me and not hit on me. 605 00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:31,279 And what's the deal with that, Mr. Keating? 606 00:25:31,363 --> 00:25:33,198 I'm a catch, and if you don't see that, 607 00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:36,660 then maybe you should get fucking fired, you substitute nobody! 608 00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:38,912 I guess it's true what Othello said. 609 00:25:38,995 --> 00:25:42,791 "Beware jealousy, for it 'tis the green-eyed monster." 610 00:25:42,874 --> 00:25:43,875 Iago said that. 611 00:25:43,959 --> 00:25:46,670 I've read nothing. I will continue to read nothing. 612 00:25:46,753 --> 00:25:47,921 ["Wedding March" plays] 613 00:25:48,004 --> 00:25:48,838 [Dylan giggles] 614 00:25:49,714 --> 00:25:50,840 [both giggling] 615 00:25:51,466 --> 00:25:54,094 -[sighs, giggles] Mr. Keating. -[kisses, giggles] 616 00:25:54,177 --> 00:25:55,470 Mrs. Keating. 617 00:25:55,554 --> 00:25:57,556 [kissing] 618 00:26:01,142 --> 00:26:03,228 Um, Dylan, what's wrong? 619 00:26:03,311 --> 00:26:05,021 [Dylan] Uh, nothing. 620 00:26:05,105 --> 00:26:07,816 -Are you thinking about that boy again? -[gasps] 621 00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:08,984 Are you, Dylan? 622 00:26:09,067 --> 00:26:10,777 Are you thinking about me? 623 00:26:11,361 --> 00:26:14,864 Ah! [echoing] Andrew! 624 00:26:14,948 --> 00:26:16,950 ["Wedding March" continues] 625 00:26:59,367 --> 00:27:00,285 [song ends] 625 00:27:01,305 --> 00:28:01,403 Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/989dk Help other users to choose the best subtitles