What are you doing?
I'm getting my tongue into licking shape
so we can do cunnilingus on Ali the second she walks through that door.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I only had one fantasy about kissing her.
Yeah. And they have a really special friendship
that we don't want to ruin.
Oh, come on.
You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's a myth.
Oh, shit, she's here.
Ooh, showtime. Eat out your friend!
Or maybe just say hello.
Ali, hi!
Jessi! Since last week sucked ass,
I got you a Frappuccino just how you like it.
Iced chocolate, ten pumps of caramel, no coffee, extra whip.
Oh, my God, you know me so well!
Chill, bitch. I'm obviously drinking half of that.
-You guys, Ali has my order memorized.
Michael Angelo didn't even know my last name.
Will you shut the fuck up! She's taking off her clothes!
Oh, my God, what do I do? Do I look? I wanna look.
Should I look away? What's normal?
See, Connie? You're freaking her out.
But I'm completely transfixed by the boobies!
-Hello? Earth to Jessi!
Oh, right. Right. "Earth to Jessi."
I love our planet. The Earth. Even more than the moon.
Who needs that?
-"Houston, we have a Starbucks."
You funny. Now drink the fucking frappe. I spent my life savings on that shit.
Ooh! This does feel a little different.
Fuck! I'm totally crushing on my best friend.
All this and more on Connie Lingus Tonight.
Dude, can I just say, I love being your sidepiece.
I get to be blackout horny 24/7 with no strings attached?
-Yes, please! -Yeah, whatever.
And having no emotional connection gives me so much time to myself.
Did I tell you I'm thinking about opening a restaurant?
It's sliders, but they're bigger, like hamburger-size!
Hang back so nobody sees us leave together.
Yep, the sidepiece life is pretty awesome.
Way better than being recognized as a human being.
Sidepiece wolf!
Shit. I don't want to go in there!
Oh, come on.
I'm sure everybody forgot about Jessi screaming
that she doesn't want to date you, isn't into you,
and you'll never, under any circumstances, make her horny.
Oh, well, you seem to remember it verbatim.
Oh, honey, I forget nothing.
Oh, shit. Nick, you came back to school
after Jessi basically cut your dick off in front of everybody?
-Oh, fuck!
Okay, my sweet birdies, let's be gentle with our dear friend Nick,
for his fragile heart hath been torn asunder.
What are you doing? I don't like this.
Last week, I was sensitive and kind to my dad, and he almost hugged me.
So this is my new personality. Enjoy.
He's Tender Andrew now.
Sensitive yet fuckable, like my hormone monster friend, Simon Sex.
-"Simon Sex." He sounds-- -Sexy?
No, I was gonna say made up.
Oh, he's very real and very sexy, but he's also a beautiful soul.
We spent most of the '70s eating magic mushrooms together
and masturbating in an open field.
Yo, Nick. If you're feeling shitty about Jessi,
what you need is a boys' night out.
That's what I did after my child divorce from Devin.
Oh, yeah! Real men, we take that heartbreak
and we make it wait in the closet for 20 minutes…
…while we walk away.
-Right, Charles? -Yeah, whatever.
Picture it, bro, I'm telling you. A night for guys to just be guys.
We're all drunk off of vanilla vodka.
No mixers 'cause we're big boys now.
Beautiful women, fast cars.
Everybody's got a fucking sword.
Oh, oh, and Vin Diesel's there.
I like to sing karaoke on Facebook.
Would any of you tall adult men like a bite of sushi off my hard, heavy tits?
Hey, sushi's for vegetarian cucks! Eat me!
-Yeah!
Okay, guys, I'm sorry. Stop picturing that.
I propose an alternative evening.
Dreamweave with me, just for a moment, baby boy.
Ugh, why is your whisper so wet?
Because my mouth's got the hots for a boys' night in.
What I propose is an evening for men to mend,
by looking inward.
We'll share our secrets and travel back to infancy,
then celebrate our growth with a communal orgasm…
-…a group drain, if you will,
-crying and cumming, crying and cumming…
-…in an upsetting crescendo.
That sounds hard, boring, gay and sweaty. Nick, do my thing instead.
I mean, being vulnerable has gotten me nowhere.
And it would be a relief to not think about Jessi for a night.
I like the one where the boys eat the cowboy steak.
Okay, I'm gonna go with Devon's fun plan instead of Andrew's bad one.
Hell yeah! I know the perfect place to go tonight.
Oh, Andrew, I'm sorry they didn't like your hard, boring, gay, sweaty idea.
Oh, don't worry, Maury.
By hook or by crook, there will be a group drain tonight.
The floor will be slick with tears and cum.
Oh, you know who loves tears and cum?
Simon Sex. I'm gonna invite him.
I think the audience would like to see who I'm talking about.
Hi! Hello! You're everything to me.
And that's how you do two-person fart starters.
-Hi! Hello. You're everything to me. -She's flirting with you!
Spread her knees and dive in there!
Wait, though. Is that even what I want?
Hell yeah! We can go from flirtin' to squirtin' in a lick of a clit.
Ugh, Connie, I don't know if I should have chugged a whole Frappuccino
and then done a bunch of sit-ups.
-Hi. Hello. You're everything to me. -Miss you already.
-Bye! Ugh. -They are the worst, aren't they?
-Yeah, they think they're so cool! -Totally.
Wait, who said that?
I did!
Oh, my gosh, you're very cute.
Aw, thanks, I'm Rochelle.
That's a beautiful name.
You know who's not cute?
-Those fucking bitches. -Oh, wow. Okay, uh, well,
I don't know if I'd call them B-words in the light of day--
Well, I would.
What they did to you at your affinity group meeting was horrible.
You were there?
All right, you guys, let's get to work making the world a better place.
Screw that! Who wants to do our idea instead of Missy's dorky bullshit?
I'm a white co-opter and I love every fucking second of it!
-Yeah!
You're not keeping track of my sit-ups.
Oh, sorry, Caleb.
Was the affinity meeting really that bad?
Yes, it was, and you don't deserve to be treated like that.
You deserve early admission to Wellesley
and a boyfriend with a thick, hard ass.
Ooh! Ah!
From your lips to Idris Elba's thick, hard ass.
You guys, this is really confusing.
I've never been attracted to a girl before.
Is it possible you're a lesbian?
You mean, like my mom?
Nope, you definitely like guys too.
Judd makes your goosh go sploosh.
Hello! Yoo-hoo! Don't talk about me like I'm not here!
-Oh! Hey, there, Jessi's vagina! -Oh, boy.
While it's true Judd's a real me-wetter…
…when you were holding Ali's ankles, I got a full body buzz on, girl!
Jessi, you got a funny snatch.
Oh, my God, thank you!
I am in a sketch group with Jessi's taint, her butt hole, and Kegel-Michael Key.
But honey, getting romantic with your best friend?
That's a lot more complicated than you think.
Uh-uh-uh, I disagree.
To try and fuck your best friend?
Why, it's the most beautiful and natural thing
in the whole wide world.
-Really? -As a matter of fact,
I might have penned a little song about this.
Ew!
-Oh, damn, Connie, that was beautiful! -Thank you!
So, does it make you want to suck face with your best friend? Hmm?
Not gonna lie, it kind of does.
If you play the song backwards, it makes everyone in the room want to eat ass.
Eat the ass and worship Santa.
No way!
-Jesus! This place is creepy.
Well, you'll either come out of this night feeling better,
or you'll be murdered by a drifter.
And I bet Jessi would feel terrible if you died.
Yeah, that'll show her!
Nick! Welcome to a badass night of male debauchery.
-Hey, Nick! -Fuck your feelings.
-We're breakin' shit. -Yeah!
-Ooh, rats!
Hey, well, this place is, uh…
-It's awesome, right? -What's, uh, with the sledgehammer?
We're about to smash shit like men.
I brought knives.
And I came separately from Charles and brought capes and condoms!
Uh, I wheeled over a tub of my mom's signature recipe, Lump soup.
It's two parts nacho cheese and one part Sunny D.
-Ho, ho, ho! Bad boys know how to party.
Whoa! Where'd you get those killer threads, Tender Andy?
My mom got them for a trip to Arizona that she did not take.
-Where'd you get yours? -He got them from me.
-Oh, wow. Hello! -Hi.
Simon Sex, I presume?
Guilty as charged, but the only crime I've committed is being open to love.
We were also convicted for jerking off onto the grass at Wimbledon.
Oh, yes. Forgot that.
Now go, Andrew, show those boys that
even though society doesn't want them to be vulnerable,
tenderness can be very powerful… …and sexy.
Well, if you professional perverts say this is the move, I'm in.
-Hello, boys!
I hope you're ready to uncork… …those hearts of yours,
because I brought a bottle of "Mommy's Little Helper."
-Oh, yeah! -Where did you get wine?
Oh, ho, I have a mustache, Nick. They'll sell me rosé.
Ooh, let's get fucked up!
No, no, no. Hey!
Before you take a sip, you must share one "I feel" statement.
I feel this sucks!
Okay, big tough guys, I'll start.
I feel tremulous because my dear friend Nick, who I love, I love a boy,
is clearly suffering and he won't open his petals.
Nick, your turn.
All right, I feel
like I wanna smash a toilet with Devon's sledgehammer!
Yes! Smashing stuff is so much better than feeling your sad, pathetic feelings.
You're such a little man.
-Fuck yeah!
Rip out a sink!
Fuck up a tub!
Look for the cookies that I hid in the wall!
If anyone is seeking respite from the shackles of masculinity,
the tenderness station is now open.
-Whoa! Not kind!
-Look at all those hearts in the caption.
What kind of twisted shit you think happened between Ali and Jessi in jail?
What exactly are you implying?
I'm just saying, they went to jail together,
and then soon as they got out, Ali broke up with Samira.
You do the math.
Oh, so you think--
Jessi totally hooked up with Ali in jail.
It's obvious.
Samira and Ali were together for three months.
In middle school time, that's like four months.
Exactly. Jessi's a messy bitch,
a menace to society, and she needs to be stopped.
-So if I told everyone
that she hooked up with Ali,
I'd be doing a service, like a whistleblower!
Yes! The bravest thing you can do is post it online
from an anonymous account.
-Way ahead of you!
"Dr. PlainTalk." Okay!
-Jailbirds? More like lovebirds. -Mm-hmm!
These two criminals had an erotic dalliance in jail.
-Ooh, girl! -What does poor Samira think of all this?
-Preach!
Wow, you're good at this.
Now, press send, and end Jessi's reign of terror.
But we know that this is probably not true, right?
Who cares? She sucks!
She does suck. Eat it, B-word!
Go, bitch. Go!
-Air this bitch out!
Hey, babe?
-What are you thinking right now? -Dude.
We just never talk.
What's your family like?
-Do you feel safe with them? -Safe?
I just thought maybe because we keep stuffing our tongues into each other,
I--I don't know, we might want to try stuffing our feelings into each other?
-That could be hot too, right? -Nah, I'm good.
Okay, uh, yeah, I'm good too.
I'm just gonna hang back here like you like.
I'll see you in 20 minutes.
Fuck my bitch ex-wife.
$14 a month in alimony?
Fuck that guy at Foot Locker who said I have irregular feet!
-Fuck Jessi!
-How dare she reject you over and over!
She's not better than me!
Yes! Keep poking the wall with your--
with your weird little sword until you believe that.
Oh!
Well, it's official. Put it on the marquee.
None of these boys want to be soothed by my tenderness.
-It's like they refuse to look inward. -Heartbreakingly true.
I like to look inward sometimes.
I hold a mirror up to my butt hole. I can see all the way to my tummy.
-Hold on. What's that?
It's Jay. He's crying like a little bitch.
Maury, the real little bitch
is the boy who doesn't offer comfort to him in his time of need.
Should I try a little tenderness?
Or a little mushrooms, that's what we did.
Uh, I think I'll do the tenderness.
Hey, if you don't want to eat powerful hallucinogens
with a couple of hormone monsters, that's cool.
Plus, we ate 'em all, so…
Jeez, I can't get that song out of my head.
You can't get Ali out of your head.
I can't get her out of my head either!
I'm sorry, but do vaginas even have heads?
Of course! I have my own little vagina too.
And I have an even littler vagina.
-This could go on forever!
You know what else could go on forever?
Your love for Ali!
-What the hell is that? -It's a love scope.
You look into it and see what your love life could be like in the future!
Hey, hon. I got us both suits and sneakers
for that radical social justice event tomorrow.
Ooh! From President Megan Rapinoe's new streetwear brand?
You Rapin-know it, babe.
God, I love you.
I'm gonna eat you out so attentively tonight.
Not if I eat you out first.
Wait a minute, what if we eat each other out at the same time?
Okay, you're a vagenius.
-Wow! The future looks amazing.
Hey, you in there? It's Ali!
Holy shit. It's her! Now you can tell her you like her.
Hi! I was just thinking about you.
-Have you seen this shit? -What?
We had "an erotic dalliance"?
"Sluts of Instagram"?
What the fuck?
-Oh, shit. Guys, check this out!
Ali and Jessi hooked up in jail!
Oh, yeah, it's so hot when girls do gay.
What the fuck?
-Jessi likes Ali?
-Damn. Sorry, dude.
That sucks… that you're so fucking ugly you made Jessi gay! JK! JK, bro, JK!
-That is not fucking funny! -Uh, it's funny.
Hey! You're an old man,
-and nobody talks about it.
Old man's about to whup your ass, young blood!
-I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Jay, you're weeping.
Oh, hey, Andrew.
Don't mind me, I just want to throw myself into a meat grinder
and get turned into a nugget.
Oh, it seems to me like you need a soul cleansing.
How about a nice sound bath?
Nong…
-Jay, gong sound, gong… -No! Wait! What? No! Stop it!
I hate baths!
Hey, Andrew, I think this jacked little walnut
might just want somebody to listen to him.
Oh, yeah. Right. Okay. Sorry, Jay. What's making you weep?
Okay, well, um, I've been secretly sucking face with Charles Lu.
Whoa! Charles is gay? And what about Gina?
-Isn't Charles way out of your league? -What?
Hey, Andy. Shh. Try listening without judgment.
Remember, you're the dude who pulled Lars out of a wheelchair.
How do you know that, Simon Sex?
Oh, Maury tells me everything, and I listen.
Because you're a good friend with great hair.
You look like a groovy panther.
Yeah! And you look like a bunch of penises.
Yeah, I think the mushrooms are starting to kick in.
And they're gone.
Jay, I'm ready to listen. Tell me more about Charles Lu.
Well, it's super hot when he uses his tongue to fuck my mouth,
but he won't use it to fuck my mind.
Okay, so what I'm hearing is
you want someone you can talk to and who cares about you?
Aw! When you put it that way, I sound fucking lame!
Please don't tell anyone!
No, no, no. Boys need connection too. That's what I've been saying all night.
Yeah, I know. You've been really annoying.
I miss Lola.
She's such a special person. Please agree.
No, I can't.
The point is, it's okay if you want more than what you're getting from Charles.
-It is? -Of course.
Wow, you're a really good listener, Andrew.
-I don't even wanna strangle you anymore.
Dude, I said, "JK." Why are you freaking out?
'Cause you're a fucking asshole!
Finish him!
Ow!
My irregular foot!
-Oh, my God, Lump, are you okay? -I-I-I'm fine. For men, pain is knowledge.
Oh, my nose won't stop bleeding. I--I think you broke it!
Oh, buddy. I'm here for you.
What, to fucking cum with me?
I don't want to have a "group drain" with you, or any of you assholes.
I'm out of here.
He doesn't want to talk about his feelings!
-Because from now on, he only has one:
white-hot, tiny-fisted fury!
Ooh! My thingy fell off.
Fuck you, thingy.
People online are going crazy over your rumor.
Wow, Jessi equals other woman.
So sad to see that I am the only true feminist at school.
Please show pictures of jail gay.
Fire emoji, fire emoji, fire emoji.
Oh, my God!
Okay, these comments are giving me life.
Sorry I'm late, darling.
There was a sale at Victoria's Secret.
I was running low on thongs that disintegrate the moment I get my period.
That place is trash.
Angels wearing underwear?
I'm not wearing a fucking bra in the afterlife.
-Oh! Cute hate worm. -Aw, thank you!
Wait, wait, wait. What kind of worm?
A hate worm. You knew that.
No, I did not!
I'm not the kind of person who hates people!
Well, not people. Jessi.
But hate is so ugly!
No, it's not!
Martin Luther King hated discrimination, and he changed the fabric of our country.
Do you think Martin Luther King was stupid?
Obviously not!
He was a doctor!
Hate could be good. It protects you from bad things and people that hurt you.
Well, Jessi did hurt me.
And you want to hurt her too, right? I mean, that's why we made up the rumor.
Wow. I guess I do hate Jessi.
Come on. Say it like you mean it.
You know she deserves your hate.
Hey, hey! You're nothing!
I hate you, Jessi Glazer!
I hate your face and your fucking attitude and your awful last name.
I wish ill upon you!
That's right! Now, finish her!
Oh, my God! I didn't think that that was gonna happen.
-Ugh!
I can't believe this.
I know! It's fucked!
People are gonna think I cheated on Samira.
Samira's gonna think I cheated on Samira.
Oh, God, I didn't think about that.
That's 'cause you're busy thinking about
mashing your boobies up against her boobies
until all four become one big tit.
I don't think she wants to form a super-tit right now.
She seems legit upset.
But you're still gonna tell her you like her, right?
What about all that good shit we saw on the Love Scope?
Well, should we take another look to see what else can happen?
Hey, I'm in love with you.
Oh, what the fuck?
I know! It surprised me too.
Dude! Are you seriously trying to get with me right now?
But we're so good together.
Best friends make the best lovers. Here, let me sing you a song.
Oh, my God! You sound just like Nick!
Don't say that!
I definitely don't want to be your lover, Jessi.
And now, I don't even want to be your friend.
-Shit, that's terrible.
Yeah, but it's what could happen, right? No one says it's definitely gonna happen.
I mean, remember President Rapinoe and the attentive cunnilingus? Huh?
It's not worth risking it.
I love her too much as a friend.
Oh, well, fuck you. That's beautiful.
Hey, I'm so sorry about that rumor.
Do you want me to tell Samira it's not true?
Well, Samira said she'd rather get a yeast infection in her armpit
than ever talk to you again, so…
-Oh. -But I appreciate the offer.
You're a really good friend. I love you.
I love you too.
I'm really glad I don't have to go through this alone.
So I guess that's that, huh?
At least for now. I mean, being a couple could have been amazing,
but this is pretty great too, right?
She's a good friend.
Good friend with a hot little body and nice lips,
but I won't bring that up ever again.
Except to say let's kiss her on the mouth. I'm sorry! That's it.
She's got a good butt.
-Uh, hey, guys, check it out.
Now, I'm Limp Himpman.
-Limp, please go to the hospital. -I won't.
Hey, you've got this.
Hey, Charles, can we talk?
I guess, make it quick.
It's about us. It's kind of important.
Okay, uh…
Let me just start by saying
I have zero moral problems with you cheating on Gina with me.
I love cheating.
It's in my blood.
-Along with quite a lot of lead. -What?
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I like hooking up,
but I also need a massive emotional investment from you.
Uh, no?
Sure. Okay.
Well, then I don't think I can be your sidepiece anymore.
-Okay. -Uh, cool, man!
Uh, see you in social studies.
Oh, I'm sorry, Jay.
That did not work out at all, but you know what?
-I'm proud of you.
Thanks, Andrew. Let's go home.
-Look at that. -Wow.
Those boys are really connecting.
I don't remember Andrew being so blue.
Hey, Jay, when you get home, you gonna Smurf off?
Oh, yeah!
I'm gonna Smurf into my little white hat
then huck it out the window of my mushroom house.
-That is so sweet. -So beautiful.
-I love mushrooms. -Yeah, baby.
Why didn't Jessi just tell me that she liked Ali?
Because she's a heartless wench
and she gets off
-on publicly humiliating you.
I can't believe I ever loved her.
Well, you certainly don't love her anymore.
Walter, are you okay?
I think he's dead, man!
And his nipples are hard.
That's interesting.
Oh, God!
Wow. How selfish of Jessi and Ali.
-I hope Samira's doing okay.
Feigned sympathy for the ex-girlfriend.
Diabolical, baby.
Haters gonna hate.
You know what might be fun? Reply from Dr. PlainTalk.
Love that!
You'd think after having her home wrecked,
-Jessi wouldn't be a home-wrecker. -Mm-hmm!
Missy, we are gonna have so much fun together!
Ooh-hoo! Jouhari! That feels weird!
But I like it.
Yeah, you do!
-How you doin', Connie?
I'll be okay.
I just thought we'd be knuckle-deep into Ali by now.
I gotta learn not to count my pussies before they snatch.
I never thought I'd be trying to snatch pussies.
I always thought I was more of a dick farmer.
You don't have to figure it all out right now.
You're still young.
And that's the beauty of modern agriculture.
You can cultivate pussies and dicks.
That's right, honey. Let's take a look.
The dicks sure are coming in real nice this year.
Very veiny!
Yeah! And the pussies are looking plump too!
Ooh, yeah, love that color.
-Mm, I bet they're sweet as sugar.
Come on in, guys! We're servin' asshole for dinner!
Ooh! It's sloppy asshole night.
Race you there!