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00:00:07,424 --> 00:00:09,467
[sleigh bells ringing]
2
00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:11,761
{\an8}["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]
3
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{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪
4
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{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪
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{\an8}♪ Oh, in my life ♪
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{\an8}♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
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[Christmas music plays]
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{\an8}[crackling]
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{\an8}[decoration jingling]
10
00:00:52,969 --> 00:00:57,057
Oh, hello.
Welcome to "A Very Big Mouth Christmas."
11
00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,850
We're gonna have a couple laughs,
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00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:00,060
sing a few songs,
13
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and we're gonna make a promise to you
that no other Christmas special can.
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Tonight, you're gonna see Santa's dick.
15
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{\an8}[slurring] Hey, Maury, don't forget
to tell them we're sexy puppets.
16
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{\an8}That's right.
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{\an8}Nothing says Christmas
quite like a fist up your ass.
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Especially one that goes
all the way up to your brain.
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Jesus, Connie,
the guests aren't even here yet,
20
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and you're already
on your third glass of wine.
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It's not wine, it's my jingle juice.
22
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That's two drops of bitters,
a shot of Campari,
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and a robust squirt
of my very own feminine juices.
24
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Well, just keep that stuff
away from the couches, okay?
25
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Oh, come on, party pooper!
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It's Christmas! [retches]
27
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Jesus Christ! Damn it, I gotta clean this
up with one puppet arm. Fuckin' A.
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I'm sorry. But look how cute my barf is.
29
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It's all pipe cleaners and buttons.
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But seriously, Maury,
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what do you think Santa's dick looks like?
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We're gonna find out, Connie, but first,
we gotta clean up this adorable mess.
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Why don't you guys watch this little movie
34
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while I top off my drink
with some fresh lady juice.
35
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Uh-oh!
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-It has begun! [chuckles]
-[Christmas music plays]
37
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A Christmas tree?
I think you forgot we're Jewish.
38
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Well, we are,
but, you know, Caitlin isn't.
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Guilty as Unitarian. [chuckles]
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[groans] Ugh.
I don't want to celebrate Christmas,
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I don't want Caitlin living here,
42
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and I definitely
don't want some cheese baby!
43
00:02:32,026 --> 00:02:34,279
Well, I agree about Caitlin
and the cheddar child,
44
00:02:34,362 --> 00:02:36,406
but brie reasonable, Jessi.
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Christmas is the best.
46
00:02:38,032 --> 00:02:40,034
I was there for the very first one,
you know.
47
00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:41,411
What do you mean "there"?
48
00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,329
Well, a long time ago,
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00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:47,417
I was a hormones monstress
to a very special girl.
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Her name was Mary.
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The year was zero,
and Mary was a horny Jewish tween,
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just like you.
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There. Now your hair looks like old times.
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Oh, heads up, an angel is about to visit.
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She has some news.
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-[grunts]
-Oh, my God!
57
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Yes, exactly!
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[in sing-song] Somebody likes you.
59
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Really? Who?
60
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God! That's what I was saying.
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He likes you so much
he wants you to have his baby.
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Insane, right?
63
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Wait. God's gonna have sex with her?
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He does that?
65
00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:18,823
I mean, I--I know Satan does.
66
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He's dicked me down
a number of times, and listen, I him.
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00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:24,871
No, no. God isn't gonna have sex with her.
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He doesn't want to touch Mary.
He just wants that baby.
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Oh, okay, so it's like a Tom Cruise thing.
70
00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:32,921
Does she need to sign an NDA
or something like that?
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-Mazel Tov, Mary!
-[roof crumbles]
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Wait a minute. I'm gonna have a baby,
but I don't even have sex?
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Isn't that like all of the calories
but none of the fun?
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00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:43,848
Oh, honey, women's pleasure
is a thing of the future.
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Like broccolini.
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[hammering]
77
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So you want me to be the "husband,"
78
00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:51,356
but we don't actually
have to do anything except hang out?
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My parents will love this. I'm in!
80
00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:54,651
Okay. Cool, cool, cool.
81
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:57,695
So none of the men
in this story want to touch me?
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[Connie] Anyways,
fast forward nine months,
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and you, I mean, Mary,
were about to give birth.
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But you had no place to do it.
85
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Knockity knock-knock.
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My wife is going into labor.
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00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:10,625
Can we come in?
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And get birth juice
all over my new dirt floor?
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Take a hike! [slams door]
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[knocks]
91
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Hello, I'm ancient. How can I love you?
92
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Hi, we need a place for
my 12-year-old wife here to give birth.
93
00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:27,976
Oh, well, this hotel-motel is filled
with diapers and rotten dates
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00:04:28,059 --> 00:04:31,437
because that's my community
and how I live.
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00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:33,815
But you can use the barn in the back.
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[Connie] And so they went to the barn,
but they called it a manger
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'cause I guess that was trendy
at the time? I don't know.
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So is stoning people,
which is dodge ball except with rocks,
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00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:48,162
and then you get to,
you know, kill a guy with your friends.
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-[breathing heavily]
-[Connie] And so,
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Mary started having the baby.
102
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,668
Thankfully,
one of the animals was a doctor.
103
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-His name was Dr. Hooves.
-[bleats]
104
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What do you mean you ate the epidural?
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Hi! Knock-knock! Is now a bad time?
106
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Whoa, are you going
to the bathroom or something?
107
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Who the hell are you? Get outta here!
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Uh, we're the three kings
and we brought you presents.
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But if you're gonna be a bitch about it,
we can take off.
110
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No, no, no, no, no! What did you bring?
111
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Well, I brought myrrh.
I don't know what it is.
112
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But if you smear it on your wang,
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it'll go numb, and then you feel
like you're jacking off a stranger.
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So hot. You never know
when the guy's gonna pop.
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And--And I brought gold.
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You want me to, like,
put it on your stomach?
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-I just don't want the doctor to eat it.
-[bleats]
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Gold? I thought we were doing a $20 limit.
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I just got her the new Tom Clancy scroll.
It's good. It's a fun beach scroll.
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-[Jessi grunts, strains]
-[splat]
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Okay, now she's really
going to the bathroom.
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-[bleats]
-What do you mean it's a cheese baby?
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[coos]
124
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I already said I don't want a cheese baby.
125
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Oh, I don't know.
I think Baby Cheesus is kinda cute.
126
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Goo-goo gouda.
127
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-Now this will pair well with me!
-[tinkles]
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[all approving]
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-I guess Baby Cheesus is a tiny bit cute.
-[coos]
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Are you kidding? This holy baby rules.
131
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Anyone want to, like,
wage a war on behalf of it?
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Kind of feels like we should kill anyone
who doesn't love and worship this baby.
133
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-Holy war!
-[goat bleats]
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[Connie] And that was the first Christmas.
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You know, some of that
felt less than accurate to me,
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if I can give you some fearless feedback.
137
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Oh! So you're thinkin'
Mary just got laid and then lied about it.
138
00:06:23,424 --> 00:06:25,551
Yeah, I did not say that.
139
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Oh, look,
there's a present under the tree.
140
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"To Jessi, from Caitlin.
Don't worry, it's not cheese."
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-Should I open it?
-Is Satan's dick long and curly?
142
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,604
-I don't know.
-Oh, it is.
143
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"Little sister"?
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00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:42,026
Oh, my gosh, a sister.
145
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:43,027
[chuckles] Wow!
146
00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:45,905
You're gonna be a real good big sister.
147
00:06:45,988 --> 00:06:48,574
And, oh, you'll get
your present from me tonight.
148
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It's a sex dream,
and Dr. Hooves plays a prominent role.
149
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:54,705
Okay. Well, now I'm scared to go to sleep.
150
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Would it help if I told you
that you were also a goat?
151
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-Kinda.
-Well, unfortunately, that's not the case.
152
00:07:01,003 --> 00:07:02,630
-[bleats]
-["Jingle Bells" plays]
153
00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:03,548
[squeaking]
154
00:07:05,299 --> 00:07:06,634
[steam horn toots]
155
00:07:13,391 --> 00:07:14,809
[elves humming]
156
00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:19,063
Oh, no! Dolly's bow is ripped!
157
00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:21,858
And on Christmas Eve!
What do we do, Jingle?
158
00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:23,151
That is a pickle.
159
00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:25,611
But don't worry, Twinkle. Santa will know.
160
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,280
Well, let's go ask him.
161
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[knocks]
162
00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:29,949
Huh, no answer.
163
00:07:30,032 --> 00:07:32,160
Well, it is a toy emergency.
164
00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:33,744
I guess we should go in?
165
00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:35,037
Well, I guess we should!
166
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:38,666
-[Santa] Ho-ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho!
-[grunting] Oh, I've been naughty!
167
00:07:38,749 --> 00:07:41,085
-Dump your big bag of coal in my guts!
-Oh!
168
00:07:41,169 --> 00:07:42,920
Oh, stop now, Mama.
169
00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:46,883
If you keep talking like that,
this jolly old man's gonna blow!
170
00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:48,676
{\an8}-[gasps] Jiminy Christmas!
-Oh, shit!
171
00:07:48,759 --> 00:07:50,386
-Oh, no! G-get out!
-[Jingle] Oh!
172
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,512
-Oh!
-Get out now!
173
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This was not for you to see! No!
[slams door]
174
00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:57,101
What were they doing?
175
00:07:57,185 --> 00:07:58,019
I don't know!
176
00:07:58,102 --> 00:08:01,772
In all my 400 years,
I've never seen anything like that.
177
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:03,816
But I can't stop thinking about it.
178
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,568
Can't stop thinking about what?
179
00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:09,280
We saw Santa doing something
kinda funny with Mrs. Claus.
180
00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:10,281
Funny how?
181
00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:12,200
[chuckles] Like Seinfeld funny?
182
00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:13,242
Not like Seinfeld.
183
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,494
Not exactly like that.
184
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:16,162
Like Hannah Gadsby funny?
185
00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:17,747
No, it's hard to describe.
186
00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:21,125
Well, if you can't describe it,
why don't you show us?
187
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,544
[chuckles] Yeah! Show us what you saw!
188
00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:24,504
We're curious!
189
00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:26,964
I'm a visual learner. Charts and diagrams.
190
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:30,218
-Well, I guess we could give it a whirl.
-[elves cheering]
191
00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:32,803
One was riding the other, almost.
192
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:34,639
It was kind of like this, right?
193
00:08:34,722 --> 00:08:36,849
-Oh! Oh, dear.
-Oh! Oh-oh!
194
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:40,853
No, it was faster,
and it was also much harder. [grunts]
195
00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:42,355
-Oh, yes, right there!
-[grunts]
196
00:08:42,438 --> 00:08:45,149
Well, what's interesting is
that feels fucking fantastic.
197
00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:46,484
I wanna try too!
198
00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:48,194
-This does feel good!
-[grunting]
199
00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:50,071
Say something mean to me!
200
00:08:50,154 --> 00:08:51,781
I want to feel embarrassed!
201
00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:54,242
{\an8}-[elf] Golly fuck!
-[elves grunting and moaning]
202
00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:55,159
{\an8}Spit on that!
203
00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:57,370
{\an8}-I'm in love with you!
-[elves giggling]
204
00:08:57,453 --> 00:08:58,996
{\an8}Just ruin my ass!
205
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,748
-[slurping]
-[Rudolph] Mm-hmm.
206
00:09:00,831 --> 00:09:02,333
Okay. Okay.
207
00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:04,710
-[elf] Whoo!
-Great gumdrops!
208
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:06,754
Whoa, what's going on in here?
209
00:09:06,837 --> 00:09:08,214
Stop this at once!
210
00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:09,215
Fuck you, Santa!
211
00:09:09,298 --> 00:09:10,508
We quit!
212
00:09:10,591 --> 00:09:13,052
Hey, Santa, Santa?
Why don't you watch me cum?
213
00:09:13,135 --> 00:09:14,136
I'm gonna cum right now,
214
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,264
and I want you to look directly
into my eyes.
215
00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:18,683
-Oh, oh, dear.
-How are you doing with all this?
216
00:09:18,766 --> 00:09:21,644
-Hanging in there, buddy?
-Well, Christmas is ruined.
217
00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:25,273
Yeah, they're adult elves, you probably
should've just told them about sex.
218
00:09:25,356 --> 00:09:28,025
[sighs] I probably should have.
219
00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:30,695
Anyway, I'm gonna go cover
that gingerbread man over there
220
00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:34,282
with my frosting, which is,
of course, and I can't stress this enough,
221
00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:35,866
my cum. [chuckles]
222
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:36,784
I see.
223
00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:39,996
Well, I suppose children
around the world are going to have
224
00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:42,790
a very different
kind of Christmas this year.
225
00:09:44,041 --> 00:09:48,546
Ew, a moist Post-It note that says,
"I owe you an iPhone"?
226
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:50,715
Oh! What?
227
00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:54,302
Tony Macaroni,
Chef Boyardee, and all the saints!
228
00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:57,263
Santa got me exactly what I wanted.
229
00:09:57,346 --> 00:10:00,433
It's two little friends
making thick in the warm!
230
00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:03,728
Yeah, you like to watch,
you sick, dirty fuck!
231
00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:05,313
Look at the box again.
232
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:06,272
Uh-huh.
233
00:10:06,355 --> 00:10:08,065
Okay.
234
00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:09,942
Okay.
235
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:13,613
Well, we told you
you were gonna see Santa's dick.
236
00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:15,906
[chuckling] But we threw in
them sweaty balls
237
00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:17,908
as a special Christmas surprise.
238
00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:18,993
[chitters]
239
00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:20,911
Connie, the guests
are gonna be here any minute.
240
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:24,498
Will you just get off your sweet
felt ass and walk the penises, please?
241
00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:25,875
They're not my penises!
242
00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:27,209
Okay, here we go.
243
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:29,045
You loved them when they were cute,
244
00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:30,796
-little pup penises.
-[phone buzzes]
245
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,341
Wait, is that my vibrator or yours?
246
00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:35,176
-God damn it!
-Uh-oh, who bailed now?
247
00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:39,513
Simon Sex just wrote
that he was murdered at Epcot Center.
248
00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:41,599
That sounds like a lie, doesn't it?
249
00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:44,602
Well, I just hope he died
doing what he loved,
250
00:10:44,685 --> 00:10:46,479
-standing in line.
-[doorbell rings]
251
00:10:46,562 --> 00:10:49,190
Oh, thank God.
At least somebody fucking showed up.
252
00:10:50,107 --> 00:10:53,069
-Oh, my. Am I the first one here?
-[wind gusting]
253
00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:55,613
Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too,
Shame Wizard.
254
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,406
By the way, it's still early.
255
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:58,908
Is it? Oh.
256
00:10:58,991 --> 00:11:01,702
I've just come
from Kermit the Frog's party,
257
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:02,745
and it was packed.
258
00:11:02,828 --> 00:11:05,414
[laughs] It was quite fun, actually,
259
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:08,417
until he called his girlfriend
a pig in front of everyone.
260
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,128
He's a mean drunk, is Kermit the Frog.
261
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:15,591
Yeah, well, people'll be here
any minute now, buster.
262
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:16,967
You'll see! [grunts]
263
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:20,012
-[glass shatters]
-Oh, but Constance, I'm afraid I will not,
264
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:22,473
for I… I must be heading out.
265
00:11:22,556 --> 00:11:24,517
What? You--you just got here.
266
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,018
I'm sorry, but, uh…
267
00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:29,438
[sighs] I've--I've just been
murdered at Epcot Center.
268
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:32,233
Good luck with your terrible party!
[laughs]
269
00:11:32,316 --> 00:11:34,944
Oh, Connie, this whole thing's a bust!
270
00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:37,113
We've got bigger problems, baby.
271
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:40,157
One of your penises
left a present under the tree.
272
00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:41,826
I'll give you one hint.
273
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:42,910
It's dick doodie.
274
00:11:42,993 --> 00:11:45,162
[whimpers]
275
00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:46,288
[solemn music plays]
276
00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:51,252
Hey, Luda! What do you think
of my new Christmas tree?
277
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:56,048
I stole it from this kid Charlie Brown
who has, like, two hairs on his head.
278
00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:57,591
I think he might be sick.
279
00:11:57,675 --> 00:11:59,885
[barks] Brrish! Brish! Chris!
280
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:01,595
Christmas… Christmas.
281
00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:04,223
What does Christmas mean to me?
282
00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:05,933
Revenge.
283
00:12:06,016 --> 00:12:07,893
It was Christmas Eve,
284
00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:10,980
and Anthony and I were bringing
squeezy toys and chicken skin
285
00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:12,940
-to underprivileged puppies.
-[chittering]
286
00:12:13,023 --> 00:12:15,151
Only back then, I wasn't Luda.
287
00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:16,944
-[growls, barking]
-I was…
288
00:12:17,027 --> 00:12:17,862
Pretzel!
289
00:12:17,945 --> 00:12:18,946
You little scamp.
290
00:12:19,029 --> 00:12:21,282
We got to deliver
these presents and get home.
291
00:12:21,365 --> 00:12:23,451
-Aw, I love you too, boy!
-[motors rev]
292
00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:24,452
Oh!
293
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:27,997
Uh, happy holidays…
Uh, uh, what can I do for you gentlemen?
294
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,206
Looks like someone
295
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:31,500
-brought us some gifts, boys.
-[growls]
296
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,335
Oh, you shouldn't have.
297
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:34,253
[laughing]
298
00:12:34,336 --> 00:12:36,797
I'm sorry. These presents
are for underprivileged puppies.
299
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:40,551
Well, it looks like we are
underprivileged puppies now.
300
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:42,011
[cocks gun] Woof, woof.
301
00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:44,054
-[man laughs] Yeah!
-[Anthony] No, please!
302
00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:45,514
-[gun fires]
-[grunts]
303
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:46,640
[whimpers]
304
00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:47,641
[Anthony thuds]
305
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:50,269
[Luda] They made two mistakes that night.
306
00:12:50,352 --> 00:12:52,354
Killing my best friend,
307
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:55,399
-and letting me live.
-[bell clangs dramatically]
308
00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:56,817
-What a surprise.
-[toy squeaks]
309
00:12:56,901 --> 00:13:00,571
This doggy toy is filled with cheese.
310
00:13:00,654 --> 00:13:02,031
Where did you get?
311
00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:05,826
From some stupid man
and his fat dog, eh, Pretzel.
312
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:07,745
"Pretzel"? [pounds table, laughs]
313
00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:09,538
-What a silly name.
-[power clunks off]
314
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,624
Uh, wait, what is this? Dark now?
315
00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:13,959
-[door opens]
-[dramatic music rises]
316
00:13:15,085 --> 00:13:16,337
{\an8}Agh!
317
00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:17,588
-[gurgles]
-[gasps]
318
00:13:19,423 --> 00:13:21,383
-[guns cocking]
-[grunts]
319
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:29,141
-[barking]
-Ahh!
320
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:34,563
[gun clicks]
321
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:36,982
[screams, gurgles]
322
00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:38,984
-[grunting barks]
-[groans]
323
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:40,861
-[grunts]
-[man] Ahh!
324
00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:43,823
-[groans]
-Ah! [gurgles]
325
00:13:44,406 --> 00:13:45,366
[screams]
326
00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:49,078
Oh, please. Don't kill me.
I'll get you anything you want.
327
00:13:49,161 --> 00:13:51,872
Money, drugs, table food. Anything!
328
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:54,542
[barks] Rrrnd. Rend.
329
00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:55,459
Friend.
330
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:58,420
I want my best friend back…
331
00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,506
[cocks gun] …you son of a bitch!
332
00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:01,966
-[gun fires]
-[splats]
333
00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:03,217
[door slams open]
334
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:05,094
-[guns cocking]
-[door slams open]
335
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,096
[Pretzel grunts]
336
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:10,641
I want that dog put down!
337
00:14:10,724 --> 00:14:12,434
[barking]
338
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:13,936
[tires screeching]
339
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:15,604
[man grunts]
340
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:16,730
[guns firing]
341
00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:23,112
-[motor revs]
-[screeching]
342
00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:26,282
-[cocks gun]
-Holy Manute Boli,
343
00:14:26,365 --> 00:14:29,118
now I'm in Jay's dog's movie?
344
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:30,244
Hi!
345
00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:32,663
-[gasps]
-[tires squeal]
346
00:14:33,163 --> 00:14:35,416
-Bye!
-[explodes]
347
00:14:35,499 --> 00:14:36,584
[Pretzel] Ooh!
348
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,669
{\an8}[dramatic music fades]
349
00:14:40,462 --> 00:14:42,172
["O Christmas Tree" plays softly]
350
00:14:44,341 --> 00:14:47,011
Merry Christmas, Nicky!
Open your presents!
351
00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:48,721
[gasps] A motorized scooter!
352
00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:49,972
And a drone!
353
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:54,685
-[Diane] That's holding Mets tickets!
-And a big hug from your little daddy.
354
00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:58,939
[sighs] Another picture-perfect Christmas
for the Birch family.
355
00:14:59,023 --> 00:14:59,857
Good for Nick.
356
00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:02,443
Andrew! Put down your phone,
you schmendrick!
357
00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:05,237
We're celebrating
an olive oil-based miracle.
358
00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,698
Oy gevalt. It's still Hanukkah?
359
00:15:07,781 --> 00:15:09,658
Now open your terrible present.
360
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:12,494
Surprise! It's a notebook from Walgreens!
361
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:15,706
[Andrew] And it's got
"Fox News Babies" on the cover?
362
00:15:15,789 --> 00:15:18,751
And tomorrow night,
you're getting diet M&Ms.
363
00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:23,756
[sighs] There is no greater injustice
than being a Jewish boy on Christmas.
364
00:15:23,839 --> 00:15:25,549
You really are missing out.
365
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,969
Christmas is
the perfect orgy of bright lights,
366
00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:31,096
dairy-based alcoholic beverages,
367
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:34,224
{\an8}and great deals
at your local Honda dealership.
368
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:39,021
Oh, what I wouldn't give to have
my parents debase and bankrupt themselves
369
00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:40,898
to give me one perfect Noel.
370
00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:43,609
Andrew, hold still.
There's a pube on your cheek.
371
00:15:43,692 --> 00:15:45,527
[groans] My bush is untenable.
372
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:46,445
No, no, no, no.
373
00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:49,698
If you find a pube on your cheek,
you get to make a wish!
374
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:53,410
Well, then, I wish I was…
[echoing] …Christian.
375
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:56,121
-[blows]
-[tinkles]
376
00:15:56,205 --> 00:16:00,834
[carollers] ♪ Hark the herald
Angels sing ♪
377
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:04,755
♪ Glory to the newborn King! ♪
378
00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:08,425
[coughs, gags, spits] Oh, come on!
379
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:09,343
[birds chirping]
380
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:13,138
Oh, no! My eyes! I'm blind!
381
00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:16,934
I'm gonna have to listen to the Mets
on the radio like some fucking barber.
382
00:16:17,017 --> 00:16:17,851
What the…
383
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,270
Am I Spider-Man?
384
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:21,397
Hi-ya!
385
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:22,648
{\an8}[grunts] Oh.
386
00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:23,565
Probably not.
387
00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:25,693
[gasps] A Smeg fridge?
388
00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:29,113
What happened to the old one that
smelled like newspapers on the inside?
389
00:16:29,196 --> 00:16:30,572
-Andy!
-Oh.
390
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:33,450
We've been waiting
all morning to spoil you!
391
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:35,744
-What? Why?
-And we made your favorite!
392
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,539
Store-bought cake and normal M&Ms.
393
00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:41,291
Bullshit. What's your angle, Glouberman?
394
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:42,584
Who's Glouberman?
395
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,378
-I'm Martin Kent.
-Huh?
396
00:16:44,461 --> 00:16:46,338
Andrew, you gotta come see this.
397
00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:47,256
[tinkles]
398
00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:49,633
Your wish upon a pube came true!
399
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:51,427
[gasps] I'm a Christian!
400
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,637
Son, there's no gift in the world
401
00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:56,598
that could ever capture
the deep love that I feel for you.
402
00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:58,350
[laughs] Are you fucking kidding me?
403
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:00,269
But I hope this comes close.
404
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:02,604
Holy Gary, mother of Todd.
405
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:04,773
These dumb WASPs bought me a Range Rover!
406
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:08,110
Oh, and it's positively filled with guns!
407
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:11,363
-♪ Lick my balls and call me Mommy ♪
-[tires squeal]
408
00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:14,992
-[sleigh bells ringing]
-♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! ♪
409
00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:18,328
♪ Squeeze these nips because I'm naughty ♪
410
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:21,623
-♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
-[munches]
411
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:25,044
♪ Jam your undies in my asshole ♪
412
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:28,380
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
413
00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:31,842
♪ Piss your pants, then peg the devil ♪
414
00:17:31,925 --> 00:17:36,055
{\an8}♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
415
00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:37,056
{\an8}[laughs]
416
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:38,307
La!
417
00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:41,310
I can't believe
my parents let me drink gin.
418
00:17:41,393 --> 00:17:44,438
And now, the perfect end to a perfect day.
419
00:17:44,521 --> 00:17:45,481
Oh, yeah.
420
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:48,984
I'm gonna have
an appetizer, entree, and dessert
421
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,403
from Andy's Dick Squeeze Cafe.
422
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,197
-[chuckles]
-And Creamery!
423
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,491
-Whoa, come on, dude!
-Jesus?
424
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:59,119
Yeah! And I didn't gruesomely
die on a cross in direct sunlight
425
00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:00,579
so you could diddle yourself!
426
00:18:00,662 --> 00:18:04,083
So wait, do Christians not like it
when you rubby the pee-pee?
427
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,460
-My dad says it's a huge sin…
-[rumbling]
428
00:18:06,543 --> 00:18:08,545
…and he is psycho about that stuff!
429
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:12,257
-Floor! Oh, shit!
-[people screaming]
430
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:14,051
-[grunts]
-[laughs maniacally]
431
00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:15,803
Oh, no. Am I in Arizona?
432
00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:17,971
Andrew, I actually think you're in Hell.
433
00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:19,973
Oh, thank God. Well, listen.
434
00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:25,020
If I'm stuck here for all eternity,
I might as well finish what I started--
435
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,856
[Marty] What?
Use me to stroke your disgusting dick?
436
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,483
Holy shit, no!
437
00:18:29,566 --> 00:18:32,236
Oh, Andrew, your hands are your dad!
438
00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:35,114
-[Andrew] And his hands are chainsaws?
-[revving]
439
00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:37,199
Rusty chainsaws!
440
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:39,368
Hey! Let's cut off his pecker!
441
00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:40,994
Yeah! Slice it right off!
442
00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:42,663
-[Marty laughs]
-[whimpering]
443
00:18:42,746 --> 00:18:43,789
[Maury screams]
444
00:18:43,872 --> 00:18:44,915
Oh, thank God,
445
00:18:44,998 --> 00:18:46,041
I'm alive,
446
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,544
and my hands
are delicate and beautiful again.
447
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,504
You there, boy! Oh, tell me.
448
00:18:50,587 --> 00:18:52,214
Do I look Jewish to you?
449
00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:55,134
Yes, you have
traditionally Jewish features!
450
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,802
Oh, Maury!
451
00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:59,555
It's the greatest
Hanukkah gift of them all!
452
00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:02,516
-You talking cash?
-No, I'm Jewish again.
453
00:19:02,599 --> 00:19:07,646
And I wouldn't buy a Range Rover
if I made $10 million a year.
454
00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:10,649
The Ford Fusion is a perfectly good car.
455
00:19:10,732 --> 00:19:13,986
And to all of you at home, happy Hanukkah!
456
00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:16,196
Hey, don't talk directly to the audience.
457
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,991
Who do you think you are? The Fleabag?
458
00:19:19,074 --> 00:19:21,076
{\an8}[gentle piano music plays]
459
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:24,830
What news arrives
from your mother, m'lady?
460
00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:28,709
{\an8}Is she still traveling hither and yon
in pursuit of the band Hoobastank?
461
00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:32,629
{\an8}Reading… "Hey, girl,
not gonna be back for Christmas.
462
00:19:32,713 --> 00:19:34,506
{\an8}Here's a Hoobastank tank
463
00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:36,592
{\an8}and a pack of their proprietary gum,
464
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:38,051
{\an8}Hooba Booba.
465
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,095
{\an8}Your sister, Mom."
466
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,805
I'm so sorry, My Queen.
467
00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:44,016
I thought she might be home
for Christmas this year.
468
00:19:44,099 --> 00:19:46,268
Yeah, well,
I thought "fruip" ended with a "P",
469
00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:48,270
so I guess none of us knows anything.
470
00:19:48,353 --> 00:19:50,355
Are you saying "fruit" with a "T"?
471
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:53,108
Yeah, everybody gets
fruip-cake for the holidays,
472
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,776
and nobody wants it,
473
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:56,695
just like Lola.
474
00:19:57,779 --> 00:20:00,449
Come on, Alanabeth, we're late
for our mother-daughter spray tans!
475
00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:02,826
I promise I'll close my eyes this time.
476
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:04,786
You do whatever you want, sweetie.
477
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:06,955
It's Christmas. I love you!
478
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:10,500
Gasp! A gush of inspiration!
479
00:20:11,084 --> 00:20:12,753
[chuckles] Spaghetti… Cool.
480
00:20:12,836 --> 00:20:15,214
A tinfoil belly button ring,
481
00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:16,506
lip gloss…
482
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:19,426
[gasps] …Fritos for nails,
483
00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:21,136
and the Hoobastank tank… [gasps]
484
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:24,556
Oh, my Snowmom!
485
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,642
-[wind gusting]
-[tinkling]
486
00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:31,897
Oh, my God, my Snowmom
has absolutely sprung to life.
487
00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:36,193
Shall we embark on an escapade
in this winter wonderland?
488
00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:38,237
["We Wish You a Merry Christmas" plays]
489
00:20:40,572 --> 00:20:43,951
Yes, sledding! Oh, glee!
490
00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:46,787
-[chuckling, snorts]
-Freezing cold boobies.
491
00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:48,413
-[grunts]
-Boner alert!
492
00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:49,331
[chuckles]
493
00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:52,501
-I love you so much, Mommy.
-[Lola grunts, laughing]
494
00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:55,087
-Oh! Hey! Ow!
-You didn't, like, invent moms,
495
00:20:55,170 --> 00:20:57,965
you caramelized,
little sweet-for-nothing bitch!
496
00:20:58,048 --> 00:20:59,299
-Oh!
-[laughs, snorts]
497
00:21:00,175 --> 00:21:03,470
What do you think, Snowmom?
Should we bake some gingerbread hotties
498
00:21:03,553 --> 00:21:05,013
and decorate this tree?
499
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:06,390
-[splats]
-Ah! Snowmom?
500
00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:09,476
-[sad music plays]
-Oh, no!
501
00:21:09,559 --> 00:21:10,394
[doorbell rings]
502
00:21:10,477 --> 00:21:11,520
[Lola sniffling]
503
00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:14,439
Rodney, my mom's parole officer?
504
00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,817
Yeah, you don't need
to call me that every time though.
505
00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:19,403
You're honestly, like,
a very tertiary character, Rodney.
506
00:21:19,486 --> 00:21:22,322
-What do you want?
-Well, I got a postcard from your mom.
507
00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:25,492
Please, you're not special.
I got one of those postcards too.
508
00:21:25,575 --> 00:21:28,078
Yeah, and, you know,
since she's not gonna be here,
509
00:21:28,161 --> 00:21:30,956
{\an8}and I got this extra-large
chicken parm sub,
510
00:21:31,039 --> 00:21:34,293
{\an8}I thought, I don't know,
maybe you could help me finish it?
511
00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:37,754
{\an8}And what, pray tell, am I supposed
to wash it down with, Rodney?
512
00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:39,089
{\an8}Oh, I don't know.
513
00:21:39,172 --> 00:21:41,383
{\an8}How about a nice Barq's Diet Creme Soda?
514
00:21:41,466 --> 00:21:46,513
{\an8}Oh, well, then I look forward
to the sweet and savory burps
515
00:21:46,596 --> 00:21:49,474
{\an8}that this combination will behold.
516
00:21:49,558 --> 00:21:51,560
[pleasant music plays]
517
00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:57,149
[sleigh bells ringing]
518
00:21:57,232 --> 00:21:59,568
You know what?
Fuck everyone I've ever met.
519
00:21:59,651 --> 00:22:01,445
We'll do the party without any of them.
520
00:22:01,528 --> 00:22:03,488
-Right, Connie?
-I don't know, Maury.
521
00:22:03,572 --> 00:22:05,824
I think I had too much jingle juice.
522
00:22:05,907 --> 00:22:07,159
I might just go to bed.
523
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,243
But you can't!
524
00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:11,788
I made a fire and I need you
to stick the tree up my ass.
525
00:22:11,872 --> 00:22:14,249
-Can't we do it in the morning?
-No!
526
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:17,294
-In my family, we do it on Christmas Eve.
-[faint coughing]
527
00:22:17,377 --> 00:22:21,340
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You hear that?
Sounds like the walls are coughing!
528
00:22:21,423 --> 00:22:22,966
Oh, no, I forgot!
529
00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:24,968
Rick was supposed to surprise everyone
530
00:22:25,052 --> 00:22:28,472
by coming down the chimney
dressed as a lingerie Santa!
531
00:22:28,555 --> 00:22:30,390
-Ahh! [groaning]
-[both scream]
532
00:22:30,474 --> 00:22:31,683
[sizzling]
533
00:22:31,767 --> 00:22:33,226
Ho-ho…
534
00:22:33,310 --> 00:22:34,853
Hospital.
535
00:22:34,936 --> 00:22:37,522
Oh, sweet Rick, are you okay?
536
00:22:37,606 --> 00:22:40,275
Oh, my skin, it's boiling!
537
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:44,446
You still want me to lick a candy cane
like it's your pee-pee?
538
00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:46,281
I mean, if you can.
539
00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:47,616
Okay.
540
00:22:47,699 --> 00:22:48,617
[groans]
541
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:51,036
-Oh, shit! Rick's dead!
-[Maury groans]
542
00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:53,497
And I never had the chance to tell him
543
00:22:53,580 --> 00:22:55,999
that I never loved him.
544
00:22:56,083 --> 00:22:58,043
-[sobs]
-[upbeat music plays]
545
00:23:02,672 --> 00:23:05,258
Christmas wolf! Ho-ho! [howls]
546
00:23:05,342 --> 00:23:06,968
{\an8}Okay. Easy, tiger.
547
00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:10,013
I can't believe we have to wait
four more days until we get our presents.
548
00:23:10,097 --> 00:23:12,432
I hope when I walk up
to the tree that morning,
549
00:23:12,516 --> 00:23:13,892
there's a card that says,
550
00:23:13,975 --> 00:23:18,605
"A charitable donation has been made
in your name to Mulch for America."
551
00:23:18,688 --> 00:23:20,690
Oh! It's such important work.
552
00:23:20,774 --> 00:23:23,193
Very interesting,
your Christmas traditions,
553
00:23:23,276 --> 00:23:24,361
all about the gifts.
554
00:23:24,444 --> 00:23:26,905
This glorification of consumption…
555
00:23:26,988 --> 00:23:28,073
So very American.
556
00:23:28,156 --> 00:23:30,784
Uncle Sam's club,
big bottle root beer cola…
557
00:23:30,867 --> 00:23:33,537
In our country,
Christmas is quite different.
558
00:23:33,620 --> 00:23:35,247
It's a celebration of life!
559
00:23:35,330 --> 00:23:37,499
Come on,
your Christmas isn't that different!
560
00:23:37,582 --> 00:23:39,584
Yeah, what,
do you wear candles on your head?
561
00:23:39,668 --> 00:23:41,878
Call Santa "Papa Winter" or something?
562
00:23:41,962 --> 00:23:43,338
Ha-ha! No!
563
00:23:43,422 --> 00:23:45,132
Our Santa is called…
564
00:23:45,215 --> 00:23:46,675
[both] Vader Johan.
565
00:23:46,758 --> 00:23:49,136
[Mila] In our country,
on the eve of Christmas,
566
00:23:49,219 --> 00:23:51,888
we put baubles
on the branches of the trees,
567
00:23:51,972 --> 00:23:55,350
-drink jurgennektaar, the salted eel milk…
-[slurps]
568
00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:58,353
…and place our painted eggs
on the windowsill.
569
00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:01,648
Then, when daylight is no more,
the bell is rung.
570
00:24:01,731 --> 00:24:04,276
-[bell tolling]
-This means Vader Johan approaches.
571
00:24:05,235 --> 00:24:06,153
It has begun.
572
00:24:07,195 --> 00:24:10,782
The bell awakens Vader Johan
from the bottom of the river.
573
00:24:10,866 --> 00:24:15,203
This is where he lives,
in a castle made of children's bones.
574
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:17,956
-[thudding]
-[ice rumbling]
575
00:24:18,039 --> 00:24:20,041
-A braid of 40 eels…
-[chittering]
576
00:24:20,125 --> 00:24:22,544
…brings Vader Johan to the surface.
577
00:24:22,627 --> 00:24:24,296
[Lotte chuckles] Now you can smell him.
578
00:24:24,379 --> 00:24:27,466
[Mila] His odor is that of cod
and black licorice.
579
00:24:27,549 --> 00:24:29,342
He has the body of a walrus,
580
00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:31,219
the sharp teeth of a dolphin,
581
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:33,722
and the legs of countless crabs.
582
00:24:33,805 --> 00:24:36,600
He plays a flute made of… you guessed it…
583
00:24:36,683 --> 00:24:38,643
[Mila and Lotte] Children's bones.
584
00:24:38,727 --> 00:24:40,479
[plays rapid melody]
585
00:24:40,562 --> 00:24:42,939
[Mila] And in our country,
it does not matter
586
00:24:43,023 --> 00:24:44,816
if you are naughty or nice,
587
00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:47,402
for all the bones taste the same to…
588
00:24:47,486 --> 00:24:48,862
[echoing] …Vader Johan.
589
00:24:48,945 --> 00:24:54,242
Your only hope is to trick Vader Johan
into believing you are already dead,
590
00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:56,661
and therefore not fresh and tasty.
591
00:24:56,745 --> 00:24:59,372
You do this by sleeping
in your child coffin…
592
00:24:59,456 --> 00:25:00,957
[echoing] …okay?
593
00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:04,544
And this is when you pray
to the Mongoose King.
594
00:25:04,628 --> 00:25:06,505
-[match sizzles]
-Oh, Mongoose King,
595
00:25:06,588 --> 00:25:10,300
please protect my tender child bones
from the jaws of Vader Johan,
596
00:25:10,383 --> 00:25:12,552
and do enjoy
these eggs I have left for you.
597
00:25:12,636 --> 00:25:14,804
In Jesus' Christ's name, amen.
598
00:25:15,430 --> 00:25:19,226
[Mila] Uh-oh,
Vader Johan can hear your blood!
599
00:25:19,309 --> 00:25:20,435
Perhaps you are lucky
600
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:24,481
and your window eggs and prayers
have attracted the Mongoose King.
601
00:25:24,564 --> 00:25:28,318
He eats your eggs and challenges
Vader Johan to a battle of…
602
00:25:28,401 --> 00:25:31,488
-[echoing] …dance.
-[techno music plays]
603
00:25:36,117 --> 00:25:37,577
There is always the chance
604
00:25:37,661 --> 00:25:41,456
that the nimble and clever
Mongoose King will be victorious.
605
00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:44,167
But tonight, he is danced into…
606
00:25:44,251 --> 00:25:45,377
[echoing] …cream.
607
00:25:46,670 --> 00:25:52,092
And Vader Johan has
his kinderbotfeest, the child bone dinner.
608
00:25:52,175 --> 00:25:53,468
[screams]
609
00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:54,886
But the cream,
610
00:25:54,970 --> 00:25:59,182
this is the cream that we eat together
with our families on 29 December.
611
00:25:59,266 --> 00:26:02,018
So a Merry Christmas is had by all.
612
00:26:02,102 --> 00:26:05,313
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! So the kid died?
613
00:26:05,397 --> 00:26:07,691
He did not die, he was consumed.
614
00:26:07,774 --> 00:26:10,443
He lives on in the bowels of Vader Johan.
615
00:26:10,527 --> 00:26:12,028
I'm pretty sure he died, guys.
616
00:26:12,112 --> 00:26:17,284
Um, Vader Johan, uh,
he goes away after Christmas, right?
617
00:26:17,367 --> 00:26:21,621
Oh, no, Vader Johan
is always hungry for children.
618
00:26:21,705 --> 00:26:25,292
Like your precious food president,
Ronald McDonald.
619
00:26:25,375 --> 00:26:27,711
Oh, yes, this reminds me…
620
00:26:27,794 --> 00:26:31,548
[both] ♪ Once you hear
The story of Vader Johan ♪
621
00:26:31,631 --> 00:26:35,677
♪ You must share
The story of Vader Johan ♪
622
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:39,931
♪ Or you'll be consumed by Vader Johan ♪
623
00:26:40,015 --> 00:26:43,685
♪ Which is like dying but it's worse! ♪
624
00:26:43,768 --> 00:26:44,728
-[screams]
-Help me!
625
00:26:44,811 --> 00:26:47,063
I don't wanna live
in Vader Johan's bowels!
626
00:26:47,147 --> 00:26:49,691
Will you share the story of Vader Johan?
627
00:26:49,774 --> 00:26:52,902
-Your child bones depend on it.
-[eerie music plays]
628
00:26:52,986 --> 00:26:54,988
[crab legs pattering]
629
00:26:55,071 --> 00:26:56,364
[music fades]
630
00:26:57,365 --> 00:26:58,700
[Christmas music plays]
631
00:27:02,746 --> 00:27:04,831
Wake up, Matthew.
632
00:27:04,914 --> 00:27:07,083
Let's go downstairs and catch Santa
633
00:27:07,167 --> 00:27:09,336
while he's putting
all the presents underneath the tree.
634
00:27:09,419 --> 00:27:11,630
Oh, Brittany, go back to sleep.
635
00:27:11,713 --> 00:27:13,715
-There is no Santa.
-What?
636
00:27:13,798 --> 00:27:16,509
Yeah, Mom and Dad leave all the presents.
637
00:27:16,593 --> 00:27:17,761
Santa's not…
638
00:27:17,844 --> 00:27:19,179
[echoing] …real.
639
00:27:19,262 --> 00:27:21,806
-Good Lord. I'm not real?
-[ominous bell tolls]
640
00:27:24,893 --> 00:27:27,395
[stammering] No, no. It can't be.
641
00:27:27,479 --> 00:27:29,564
I-I'm as real as these flying reindeer.
642
00:27:29,648 --> 00:27:32,817
Although now that
I think about it, can reindeer fly?
643
00:27:32,901 --> 00:27:33,985
Oh! Oh!
644
00:27:37,405 --> 00:27:39,449
Have I been delusional all this time?
645
00:27:39,532 --> 00:27:44,412
How can one man possibly deliver presents
all over the world in a single night?
646
00:27:44,496 --> 00:27:47,123
I'm supposed to be thousands of years old.
647
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,084
I look 65, tops!
648
00:27:49,167 --> 00:27:53,004
If I really drank
a million glasses of milk in one night,
649
00:27:53,088 --> 00:27:56,800
I'd make a terrible mess
in my Santa pants.
650
00:27:56,883 --> 00:28:00,637
Excuse me, Santa, how come
I never get a present for Christmas?
651
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,139
Is it because of that time
I did arson on a 7-Eleven?
652
00:28:03,223 --> 00:28:04,432
Don't ask me, kid.
653
00:28:04,516 --> 00:28:08,687
I'm just some big,
fat nutjob in a silly red suit.
654
00:28:08,770 --> 00:28:10,355
Yeah, my dad says you're not real,
655
00:28:10,438 --> 00:28:12,565
but he says a lot of things
just to make me cry.
656
00:28:12,649 --> 00:28:15,068
Yeah, well, at least you exist.
657
00:28:15,568 --> 00:28:17,696
["Deck the Halls" playing over stereo]
658
00:28:17,779 --> 00:28:20,407
Can we turn that goddamn music off?
659
00:28:20,490 --> 00:28:22,325
-Jesus Christ.
-[explosion]
660
00:28:22,409 --> 00:28:25,495
What in the Grinch's
emerald green asshole was that?
661
00:28:25,578 --> 00:28:27,622
We got you now, Pretzel.
662
00:28:27,706 --> 00:28:29,290
-[whimpers]
-You'll have to let me know
663
00:28:29,374 --> 00:28:32,836
-if all dogs do, in fact, go to heaven.
-[men chuckle]
664
00:28:32,919 --> 00:28:35,672
That movie, to me, is good animation.
665
00:28:35,755 --> 00:28:38,007
Nothing nasty, just nice story.
666
00:28:38,091 --> 00:28:39,467
Leave him alone!
667
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:41,219
Who the fuck is this guy?
668
00:28:41,302 --> 00:28:43,680
I'm motherfucking Santa Claus!
669
00:28:43,763 --> 00:28:45,473
[laughs] Oh, yeah?
670
00:28:45,557 --> 00:28:48,727
Well, then, I guess I am Easter Bunny?
671
00:28:48,810 --> 00:28:50,687
-[men laugh]
-I know the Easter Bunny,
672
00:28:50,770 --> 00:28:52,856
I work with the Easter Bunny,
673
00:28:52,939 --> 00:28:56,359
and you, sir, are no Easter Bunny!
674
00:28:56,443 --> 00:28:57,736
[grunts] Yeah!
675
00:28:57,819 --> 00:28:59,779
-[exciting music plays]
-[snarls, barks]
676
00:29:01,364 --> 00:29:03,825
-[growling]
-Hi-yah! [grunts]
677
00:29:03,908 --> 00:29:05,285
[barks]
678
00:29:05,368 --> 00:29:06,286
-[grunts]
-[cracks]
679
00:29:06,369 --> 00:29:07,287
-[grunts]
-[splats]
680
00:29:08,580 --> 00:29:09,956
Ya koshka.
681
00:29:10,039 --> 00:29:13,710
-This is Russian for "I am cat person."
-[barks, growling]
682
00:29:13,793 --> 00:29:15,336
[in slow-motion] No!
683
00:29:15,420 --> 00:29:16,254
[splats]
684
00:29:17,046 --> 00:29:19,257
-Agh! [gurgles]
-[somber music plays]
685
00:29:19,340 --> 00:29:22,343
Maybe I… am real.
686
00:29:22,427 --> 00:29:25,054
-[whimpers]
-They'll never stop coming for you.
687
00:29:25,138 --> 00:29:27,223
-Isn't that right, boy?
-[whimpers]
688
00:29:29,225 --> 00:29:32,270
Just maybe you can find some peace here.
689
00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:34,272
[rings doorbell]
690
00:29:34,355 --> 00:29:35,690
[winces, pants]
691
00:29:36,608 --> 00:29:39,527
[gasps] Holy shit! I knew Santa was real.
692
00:29:39,611 --> 00:29:41,571
He got me a pit bull! Oh, my God!
693
00:29:41,654 --> 00:29:45,450
I'm gonna name you "Featuring Ludacris."
694
00:29:45,533 --> 00:29:46,534
No parentheses.
695
00:29:46,618 --> 00:29:48,286
[barks] Brrrll. Brrill. Kill.
696
00:29:48,369 --> 00:29:52,415
Kill. Kill. Kill one man,
and you are a murderer.
697
00:29:52,499 --> 00:29:56,711
Kill them all, and you are a god.
698
00:29:56,795 --> 00:29:58,213
[grunts]
699
00:29:58,296 --> 00:30:02,050
Merry Christmas to all, and to all…
700
00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:04,093
[weakly] …a good night.
701
00:30:04,803 --> 00:30:06,846
-[groans]
-[church bell tolls]
702
00:30:09,599 --> 00:30:10,850
[Maury sobbing]
703
00:30:11,976 --> 00:30:17,148
And all I really wanted was an absolutely
picture-perfect Christmas party
704
00:30:17,232 --> 00:30:20,193
that would be remembered
even after the world ended.
705
00:30:20,276 --> 00:30:22,779
But instead,
I booted tummy juice on the couch,
706
00:30:22,862 --> 00:30:25,365
nobody showed up, and Rick's dead.
707
00:30:25,448 --> 00:30:27,617
Is me recapping this helpful to you?
708
00:30:27,700 --> 00:30:28,827
No, it's not.
709
00:30:28,910 --> 00:30:30,578
Ooh! The sword!
710
00:30:30,662 --> 00:30:34,123
Yep, as is customary
in hormone monster culture,
711
00:30:34,207 --> 00:30:37,752
we must now decapitate
dear, dead Rick and fuck his skull…
712
00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:41,005
That he may rest
his weary, cum-filled head.
713
00:30:41,089 --> 00:30:43,675
In Jesus Christ's name, amen.
714
00:30:43,758 --> 00:30:46,386
Yeah, cut off my fuckin' head
nice and slow.
715
00:30:46,469 --> 00:30:48,263
-Rick!
-You're alive!
716
00:30:48,346 --> 00:30:51,015
Nothing can kill me!
That's my curse, baby!
717
00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:54,143
Oh, Rick, just seeing you again
makes me feel like
718
00:30:54,227 --> 00:30:57,230
I could dance
the Mongoose King into cream. [chuckles]
719
00:30:57,313 --> 00:31:00,859
-Well, that's what Christmas is all about.
-["O Christmas Tree" plays]
720
00:31:01,860 --> 00:31:05,405
Because Christmastime is
when all good boys and girls
721
00:31:05,488 --> 00:31:07,907
do a lap dance for the king of the mall.
722
00:31:07,991 --> 00:31:08,825
What's that now?
723
00:31:08,908 --> 00:31:11,953
You gotta mix and mingle
in the jingling feet.
724
00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:14,497
And that is the "Crocodile Rock"!
725
00:31:14,581 --> 00:31:17,166
Maury, this is pitiful.
Jump in on this, please?
726
00:31:17,250 --> 00:31:19,544
I think what Rick is saying is
727
00:31:19,627 --> 00:31:24,382
the only thing that matters at Christmas
is being with the ones you love.
728
00:31:24,465 --> 00:31:26,342
And I love you guys!
729
00:31:26,426 --> 00:31:27,969
Ah, I love you too.
730
00:31:28,052 --> 00:31:30,430
Even if you did ruin my party.
731
00:31:30,513 --> 00:31:31,347
Merry Christmas!
732
00:31:31,431 --> 00:31:32,849
-[bell tolls]
-[power clunks]
733
00:31:32,932 --> 00:31:34,225
Uh-oh! Shit, Maury…
734
00:31:34,309 --> 00:31:37,020
[sniffs] …do you smell
cod and black licorice?
735
00:31:37,103 --> 00:31:39,647
-[chittering]
-Yes, and I hear a braid of eels.
736
00:31:39,731 --> 00:31:43,192
-Uh, did you put out the eggs?
-I was too busy getting blackout drunk!
737
00:31:43,276 --> 00:31:47,238
Good thing I know how to dance
like a mother baby, fucker.
738
00:31:47,322 --> 00:31:49,324
[techno music plays]
739
00:31:50,825 --> 00:31:54,203
[Mila echoing] Vader.
740
00:31:54,287 --> 00:31:56,289
[echoing] Johan.
741
00:31:57,832 --> 00:32:01,127
[echoing] Vader Johan.
742
00:32:01,210 --> 00:32:04,464
[Rick] That's what Christmas is all…
[echoing] …about.
743
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:07,884
That's what Christmas is all…
[echoing] …about.
744
00:32:07,967 --> 00:32:09,677
[Mila] Children's… [echoes] …bones.
745
00:32:09,761 --> 00:32:11,387
The bones of… [echoes] children.
746
00:32:11,471 --> 00:32:13,765
Children's… [echoing] …bones.
747
00:32:14,933 --> 00:32:17,769
[Mila and Lotte] And now
you can smell him.
748
00:32:17,852 --> 00:32:21,481
[Mila] We're going to dance
the Mongoose King into… [echoing] …cream.
749
00:32:21,564 --> 00:32:25,109
[Rick] That's what Christmas is all…
[echoing] …about.
750
00:32:25,193 --> 00:32:28,780
[Mila echoing] Vader.
751
00:32:28,863 --> 00:32:31,783
[echoing] Johan.
752
00:32:31,866 --> 00:32:35,787
[echoing] Vader.
753
00:32:35,870 --> 00:32:38,790
-[echoing] Johan.
-[music fades]