1
00:00:08,717 --> 00:00:11,094
-[birds chirping]
-[Nick] Ugh, Christmas sucked!
2
00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:13,346
You got the worst presents!
3
00:00:13,430 --> 00:00:15,765
[Diane] Nicky,
I don't hear you packing in there.
4
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,768
And now I have to go
on this garbage-ass ski vacation
5
00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:22,147
at a garbage-ass luxury resort
with my garbage-ass family.
6
00:00:22,230 --> 00:00:26,151
And don't forget,
Andrew's garbage ass is coming too.
7
00:00:26,234 --> 00:00:29,404
Also, I'm excited
to go on a big fancy airplane
8
00:00:29,487 --> 00:00:31,531
and touch all the buttons
around your seat.
9
00:00:31,614 --> 00:00:33,074
Am I doing hate right?
10
00:00:33,158 --> 00:00:33,992
[both] No!
11
00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:35,702
Okay, I love you guys.
12
00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:38,955
Ooh, Leah, I can't believe
you're gonna finally fuck Val!
13
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:41,374
Yeah, I'm just going to do it.
Right, Bonnie?
14
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:43,960
I mean, everyone knows
the first time sucks anyway.
15
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:44,878
Well, hold on.
16
00:00:44,961 --> 00:00:49,132
Like my sister Connie says,
sex is supposed to be savored,
17
00:00:49,215 --> 00:00:51,259
like a precious little ravioli.
18
00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:53,053
What? I didn't know you had a sister.
19
00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:55,972
Oh, yeah, me and Connie are Gemini twins.
20
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,515
We came out sixty-nining.
21
00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,142
Okay.
22
00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:03,396
Your pussy-eating sister aside,
it's probably not gonna be good, right?
23
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:04,439
I don't know.
24
00:01:04,522 --> 00:01:08,651
Val did promise your little brother
he's gonna boink you till you happy cry.
25
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:10,528
-Huh.
-And I want that for you.
26
00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:11,571
Okay, yeah.
27
00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:13,448
Maybe it will be good. All right.
28
00:01:13,531 --> 00:01:16,284
I'm gonna lose my virginity
to Val Bilzerian.
29
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:17,952
No, no, no!
30
00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:20,872
You're gonna win your virginity
to Val Bilzerian.
31
00:01:20,955 --> 00:01:23,333
Oh, shit, we talking about virginity?
32
00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:25,293
Giving, taking or returning?
33
00:01:25,376 --> 00:01:28,379
Connie LaCienega,
what the heck are you doing here?
34
00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:31,841
Well, Bonnie LaCienega,
I wanted to give you a heads-up
35
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:34,302
that Maury's also going on the trip.
36
00:01:34,385 --> 00:01:38,890
Do you think you two can be civil
with each other for once? For me?
37
00:01:38,973 --> 00:01:40,767
Your sixty-nining twin sister?
38
00:01:40,850 --> 00:01:43,561
Connie, the dude is a deadbeat!
39
00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:45,563
You'd fuck him if you got to know him.
40
00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:48,525
Okay. Did he or did he not
use your credit card
41
00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:52,028
to buy a $100,000
baby Beanie Feldstein Beanie Baby?
42
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:55,281
That baby Beanie Beanie Baby
was an investment, baby.
43
00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:59,119
Baby, between you and me, he shouldn't
have bought that baby Beanie Beanie Baby.
44
00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:01,913
Well, this is not
the Jonah Hill I will die on.
45
00:02:01,996 --> 00:02:03,456
Have a good trip!
46
00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,750
{\an8}["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]
47
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:11,214
{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪
48
00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:20,849
{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪
49
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:23,643
{\an8}♪ Oh, in my life ♪
50
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:28,273
{\an8}♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
51
00:02:37,407 --> 00:02:40,243
{\an8}[slurps] Mmm! Mott's spicy tomato juice.
52
00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,412
{\an8}And look, Madagascar 4!
53
00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:43,538
{\an8}-[groans]
-[sighs]
54
00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:45,790
{\an8}This is the Birch life, Nicky baby.
55
00:02:45,874 --> 00:02:48,835
Ugh! His feet smell like salad dressing.
56
00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:50,879
Leah, did you remember
to bring your skates?
57
00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:51,838
Yes, Mom.
58
00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:54,048
Val, you have to see Leah ice skate.
59
00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:57,802
She's been obsessed with it ever since
I took her to see Broad City on Ice.
60
00:02:57,886 --> 00:03:00,180
Mmm, I would love to see Leah on ice.
61
00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:03,099
Oh, yeah?
You want to go ice skating with me?
62
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,518
I want to whack your knees with a pipe.
63
00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:08,855
Ooh! Let's go join the mile high club!
64
00:03:08,938 --> 00:03:11,691
I'm not losing my virginity
in an airplane bathroom.
65
00:03:11,774 --> 00:03:14,235
Besides, Andrew's already
been in there twice,
66
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:15,820
and he had all that tomato juice.
67
00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:18,865
What, you don't like to fuck
in small places that smell like shit?
68
00:03:18,948 --> 00:03:22,785
{\an8}Maury, your gross, marinara-guzzlin'
kid is ruining this trip.
69
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:25,496
{\an8}What do you got against tomato juice?
It's delicious.
70
00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,415
{\an8}It tastes like a vegetable's period.
71
00:03:27,498 --> 00:03:28,833
I don't know, Elliot.
72
00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:32,128
It seems early for Leah
to be bringing a boyfriend on a trip.
73
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,047
What if they have sex this weekend?
74
00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:35,715
Diane Keaton Birch.
75
00:03:35,798 --> 00:03:39,719
When we became parents, we took a test,
and that test came back sex-positive.
76
00:03:39,802 --> 00:03:41,763
[sighs] I just don't know if I'm ready.
77
00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:43,806
-If Leah's ready, we're ready.
-Ugh.
78
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:48,269
And I for one can't wait
to break my daddy hymen. Boop.
79
00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:49,229
[knocks]
80
00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:52,815
-[door chime jingles]
-"Hello! My name is Lola Skumpy.
81
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:54,901
I'm legally obligated to inform you
82
00:03:54,984 --> 00:03:59,197
that I am a registered 'sex offender'
for doing revenge porn."
83
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,199
But, like, in a totally hilarious way
84
00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:03,785
that has most of the people
at home rooting for me.
85
00:04:03,868 --> 00:04:06,996
I'm, like, L-O-Ling for real. L-O-L Lola.
[chuckles, snorts]
86
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,289
Psst! Hey, kid, over here.
87
00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:10,875
Okay, look, man,
I'm banned from that magic store,
88
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:14,712
so just go in there and buy me
a--a couple of linking rings, maybe?
89
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:16,839
Limerick,
don't talk to that creepy magician.
90
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,633
Well, joke's on you, lady.
91
00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:20,885
[crying] 'Cause I'm not
a magician anymore.
92
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:22,887
I broke the sacred code!
93
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:25,682
Well, well, well,
look at what the cat shit out.
94
00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:28,059
I bet you want to, like,
throttle me right now.
95
00:04:28,142 --> 00:04:32,063
No, Lola. I don't want to do
anything to you anymore.
96
00:04:32,146 --> 00:04:37,694
I'm just a loose, empty foreskin
with, ta-da, no coin inside. You win.
97
00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:40,113
Alas, like the war on drugs,
98
00:04:40,196 --> 00:04:44,575
I might have won, but, like, at what cost?
99
00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,577
{\an8}[crickets chirping]
100
00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:50,123
You guys, holy shit!
There's a phone in the bathroom.
101
00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:52,125
Ooh, let's use it to call for movie times.
102
00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:55,670
-Well, see you later, everybody.
-Whoa, whoa. Where are you two going?
103
00:04:55,753 --> 00:04:58,715
-Uh, to our room?
-I thought Val was sleeping with Judd.
104
00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:01,301
I'm sleeping in the woods. Peace, losers.
105
00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:02,510
[rope rasping]
106
00:05:02,593 --> 00:05:05,972
There's only three rooms,
and Dad said Val and I could have our own.
107
00:05:06,055 --> 00:05:07,765
Without consulting me?
108
00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:09,976
I thought I speak for you
and you speak for me.
109
00:05:10,059 --> 00:05:11,311
Well, who said that?
110
00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:14,856
Well, I did, but I was speaking for you,
so it was kind of like you said it to me.
111
00:05:14,939 --> 00:05:16,566
Okay. I'm going to take a bath.
112
00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:19,986
And Elliot?
I will sprinkle my own rose petals on top.
113
00:05:20,069 --> 00:05:20,945
Oh, no.
114
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:22,196
So how do you wanna do this?
115
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:25,908
Connie and I usually just sleep in a pile
with our thumb up each other's asses.
116
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,911
Well, I hold myself
to a higher standard than Connie.
117
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:33,124
For example, she refers to herself
as a hormone "monstress,"
118
00:05:33,207 --> 00:05:35,710
whereas I prefer hormone "monster,"
119
00:05:35,793 --> 00:05:38,254
You don't call
a female doctor a "doctress."
120
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,173
Oh, I most certainly do.
121
00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:42,342
But I don't call my dentist a "dentress."
122
00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:43,843
I call her my tooth barber.
123
00:05:43,926 --> 00:05:45,970
What do you call your dental hygienist?
124
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:47,472
Tooth barber's little helper.
125
00:05:48,139 --> 00:05:48,973
[grunts]
126
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:52,852
Looks like I won't be needing
my instruments of magic anymore.
127
00:05:52,935 --> 00:05:57,190
-Abraca-dumpster. [sighs]
-[gruff voice] Hey, kid, I like tricks.
128
00:05:57,273 --> 00:05:59,192
I'll let you dazzle me.
129
00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:02,445
Really? Even though
I'm a disbarred magician?
130
00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:05,490
Yeah, yeah, but first,
you gotta do something for me.
131
00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:09,786
I want you to sit on me with no pants,
like one of my college students.
132
00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:15,041
[hesitantly] Okay,
so if I rub my balls all over your face,
133
00:06:15,124 --> 00:06:16,709
then you'll pick a card for me?
134
00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:19,253
Sure, but my bed bugs get to watch.
135
00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:23,257
Yeah, fuck our futon like
we're a couple of cuck-roaches. [laughs]
136
00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:25,426
[Maury] So the recipe
calls for Monterey Jack,
137
00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:27,428
but you can do it
with any shredded cheese.
138
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:29,847
And you said you're putting
all of this in a pair of panties?
139
00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:32,517
Yeah, it's a panties burrito.
It's an easy weeknight meal.
140
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:35,603
Oh, my God, Jay!
What the fuck are you doing?
141
00:06:35,686 --> 00:06:38,606
[grunts] I'm getting ready
to dazzle this filthy futon.
142
00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:40,775
This is great. Jay has hit rock bottom.
143
00:06:40,858 --> 00:06:42,860
Perfect time for you to rock his bottom.
144
00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:46,197
Do I look like a Republican congressman
in an airport bathroom?
145
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,533
I'm not taking advantage of him,
it's too sad.
146
00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:51,119
-Aw.
-I think I actually wanna help him?
147
00:06:51,202 --> 00:06:52,912
Whoa, kinky!
148
00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:55,248
Jay, put on your pants.
We're getting you cleaned up.
149
00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:59,085
No offense, Matthew, but I'm not
worthy of a gay makeover montage.
150
00:06:59,168 --> 00:07:03,631
No offense taken, Jay, because I'm just
gonna hose you down in my driveway.
151
00:07:03,714 --> 00:07:05,842
-[air hissing]
-Do my parents not even care
152
00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:08,302
that Val's gonna
try to screw Leah tonight?
153
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:11,055
Bad guys like him
get away with everything!
154
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:13,933
And meanwhile,
you're stuck here with Dork Vader.
155
00:07:14,016 --> 00:07:16,227
Hey, Andrew,
can you turn that stupid thing off?
156
00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:17,395
I definitely cannot.
157
00:07:17,478 --> 00:07:19,605
You see,
without my pediatric CPAP machine,
158
00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:21,649
I'll choke myself to the edge of death.
159
00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:23,943
-But not in the way that he likes!
-[groans]
160
00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:26,487
{\an8}So, shall we make-a da love?
161
00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:29,449
{\an8}Why would you tell Leah
she and Val could have their own room?
162
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:32,743
{\an8}Leah asked, and I could never
say no to one of my kids,
163
00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:35,705
{\an8}unless they asked me
if I could possibly love them more.
164
00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,582
-Ugh.
-And now for the love.
165
00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:40,042
I'm not "makin' da love," Elliot!
166
00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:41,919
I'm angry and I'm going to bed.
167
00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:45,423
No! If you go to bed angry,
I won't be able to sleep,
168
00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:48,801
and then I won't have the energy
to cherish you tomorrow.
169
00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:49,719
[groans] Oh…
170
00:07:49,802 --> 00:07:50,887
[Leah moaning softly]
171
00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:54,724
Well, he's been digging his dick
into your hip for about 30 minutes,
172
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:56,559
so I think he's ready if you are.
173
00:07:56,642 --> 00:08:00,354
Hey, it seems like
it might be time to go "ice skating."
174
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:03,065
Sure, but I'd rather have sex.
175
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,150
Yeah, sex.
176
00:08:04,233 --> 00:08:05,943
[chuckles] I mean sex, Val.
177
00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:08,946
Yeah, I know,
let me just put on my "ice knives".
178
00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:10,198
I--I mean, condom.
179
00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:12,575
The brand is Ice Knives.
They're the biggest.
180
00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,161
-Okay, here we go.
-[classical music plays]
181
00:08:15,244 --> 00:08:17,830
[in Russian accent] That's right,
my little vodka potato.
182
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:20,416
-Let's chicken his Kiev.
-Whoa…
183
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,543
Yeah. Okay, I can do this.
184
00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:27,006
-[rock music plays]
-Ladies and gentlemen, let's fuck Leah!
185
00:08:27,089 --> 00:08:27,924
Whoa!
186
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,175
-Now, where do I--
-Not there.
187
00:08:29,258 --> 00:08:31,636
-There, is that it?
-Nope, excuse me, that's private.
188
00:08:31,719 --> 00:08:33,971
-Okay, that hurts a little…
-¿Dónde está la biblioteca?
189
00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:35,181
Oh! You're in.
190
00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:37,225
We should start with simple move.
191
00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:40,019
Make trip around rink, wave to judges.
192
00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:42,939
-[grunts] Careful!
-Yeah! You like that?
193
00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:45,900
Um, yeah, it's okay.
194
00:08:45,983 --> 00:08:48,736
We try new position. Go for the lift!
195
00:08:48,819 --> 00:08:50,905
-I'm about to have a miracle on ice!
-Ah!
196
00:08:50,988 --> 00:08:54,867
[sighs] Wow, that was amazing.
Right, babe?
197
00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:58,120
[hesitantly] Yeah, totally amazing, babe.
198
00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:00,790
Liar! That was not amazing.
199
00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:03,668
It was pokey and fast and chaos.
200
00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:04,585
I know!
201
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:08,923
He promised you a happy cry,
but left you feeling crappy and dry.
202
00:09:09,006 --> 00:09:11,842
I'm gonna go check movie times
in the bathroom.
203
00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:15,012
Thanks for letting Jay stay here
while he gets over his girlfriend.
204
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:16,264
Oh, that poor baby.
205
00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:19,350
I heard that Skumpy girl
absolutely annihilated him.
206
00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:20,810
Who did you hear that from?
207
00:09:20,893 --> 00:09:23,729
Her! She's going door-to-door
telling everybody.
208
00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:26,274
It's all anyone my age group
is talking about.
209
00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:29,026
I-- Oh, and there he is now!
210
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:32,822
[chuckles] Look at you. You look like
a chipmunk going to a job interview.
211
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:34,824
[sighs] Thanks, Mr. Matthew.
212
00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:37,618
So, Jay, my son tells me you do magic.
213
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:39,745
Why don't you do a trick for us, Jay?
214
00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:41,789
Oh, I wish I could, Mrs. Matthew,
215
00:09:41,872 --> 00:09:45,668
but I'm nothing now,
and I'm just waiting to die. Ta-da!
216
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:47,587
Oh, Maury, this is not hot.
217
00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:51,299
Yeah, and he's all cleaned up
like some Matthew-ass bitch.
218
00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:53,050
No offense, buddy, it works for you.
219
00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:53,968
Oh, no, I get it.
220
00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:57,096
Elliot, I'm gonna ride with Leah
221
00:09:57,179 --> 00:09:59,682
because I could use
a little space from you right now.
222
00:09:59,765 --> 00:10:00,600
[sighs]
223
00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:02,143
Val, you're dating Diane's daughter,
224
00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:04,186
do you think you could
put in a good word for me?
225
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:08,524
Okay, these seats are moving pretty fast.
Should we ask someone to slow them down?
226
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,526
Come on! Get on the fucking chair!
227
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:13,487
Sir! If you rush me,
it will only take longer.
228
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:15,364
-Andrew, just go!
-Ah!
229
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,074
Why are you so mad at Dad?
230
00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:20,828
I just don't like that he gave
you and Val your own room, okay?
231
00:10:20,911 --> 00:10:23,706
Oh, my God! I knew all that stuff
about how you'd rather
232
00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:26,709
I "do it under your roof"
was total bullshit!
233
00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:29,128
It wasn't, and I would, I--I think.
234
00:10:29,211 --> 00:10:30,296
I don't know.
235
00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:32,757
And I'm having trouble
with it, okay, Leah?
236
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:36,427
Kinda like how Val was having trouble
holding onto his yogurt!
237
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:40,598
And if it makes you feel any better,
I feel bad about feeling bad about it.
238
00:10:40,681 --> 00:10:43,392
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
it totally sucked.
239
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,186
And I don't even think
I want to do it again.
240
00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:48,648
No! That does not make me feel better,
that's awful!
241
00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:51,108
You're my daughter,
and if you're going to have sex,
242
00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:54,445
I want you to have
wonderful, satisfying sex.
243
00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:56,113
Ew! Mom! Don't say that!
244
00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:57,948
You guys are teenagers.
245
00:10:58,032 --> 00:10:59,116
You're just learning,
246
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,828
and you need to be able
to tell your partner what arouses you.
247
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:03,996
[gags] "Arouses"?
248
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,416
Maybe you'll like nipple play,
or mutual masturbation.
249
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,294
Or having your toes counted out loud!
250
00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:12,588
Mom, I beg you, please stop!
251
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,840
Well, if you're not ready
to talk about sex,
252
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:17,051
then maybe
you're not ready to be having it.
253
00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:19,470
Okay, well,
now you have to have sex again,
254
00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:21,263
just to prove your mom wrong!
255
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:22,515
That's hot, right?
256
00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:25,976
Hey, Nick, let's take a selfie
and hashtag it "Dat Birch life."
257
00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:30,314
-More like, "Dat bitch life."
-Oh, no, my wallet! My white wallet!
258
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:31,857
Nick, remember where it was.
259
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:33,359
Oh, we're dropping things?
260
00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:36,112
Okay. Later, loser!
261
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:38,614
[cries] Maybe I should
just jump and disappear
262
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,616
into the snow like a white wallet.
263
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:43,035
Why does your wife
being mad at you make you so sad?
264
00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:45,621
It's not like your ATV got stolen
or something.
265
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,832
But my ATV was taken away,
266
00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:51,627
because for me,
ATV stands for "Adore The Vagina."
267
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,547
Oh, yeah!
The vagina is kind of like a door.
268
00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,006
You can go in and you can go out.
269
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:59,510
And the clitoris is the doorbell.
Ding-dong! I love you!
270
00:11:59,593 --> 00:12:01,303
The clitoris? I hear that's a myth.
271
00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:03,389
Oh, yes. I've seen
your father's law commercials,
272
00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:05,391
but it's very real and very important.
273
00:12:05,474 --> 00:12:07,435
Really? I had no idea.
274
00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:10,146
You don't know how
to ring my daughter's doorbell? Oh, Val.
275
00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:12,940
Sex should be
a mutually pleasurable activity.
276
00:12:13,023 --> 00:12:15,985
It was pleasurable.
I mean, I had fun. I think she did.
277
00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,737
I don't know if she did.
278
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,614
I don't know if I had a good time.
279
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,074
It--it was bad?
280
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:25,911
Well, maybe you should try
listening to your lover, my daughter,
281
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:28,080
and figure out how to ATV.
282
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:31,709
Yeah. And I don't know,
maybe you should try listening to Diane.
283
00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:33,169
Val, you're a very sweet boy,
284
00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:36,172
but keep my wife's name
out of your fucking mouth.
285
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:38,090
Okay, tips up. Here we are!
286
00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:42,344
{\an8}Whoa, whoa.
Nicky, where do you think you're going?
287
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:44,764
{\an8}I'm doing the Organgrinder
with Val and Leah.
288
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:49,351
{\an8}-Uh, the Organgrinder is a black diamond!
-I don't think you're ready for that.
289
00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:50,978
-What?
-And what about Andrew?
290
00:12:51,061 --> 00:12:52,480
Can you ski a black diamond?
291
00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:55,232
I'm sorry.
I thought the chair thing was the ride.
292
00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:57,318
Full disclosure, I have never skied.
293
00:12:57,401 --> 00:12:59,904
Ooh, a black diamond
is the most advanced run.
294
00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:03,949
{\an8}As long as there are no humps
and I can sit down, I should be okay.
295
00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:05,409
Nick, you stay with Andrew.
296
00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:08,037
-Make sure he gets down safely.
-Mom! Mom, please.
297
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,998
-You guys should try the cuddly duckling.
-[giggles]
298
00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:11,999
Bye, Mrs. Birch!
299
00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:12,917
Jesus!
300
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,002
-You tag along on my family ski trip…
-That's it!
301
00:13:15,085 --> 00:13:17,004
…you ride with us
to the top of a mountain…
302
00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:18,088
It's too much!
303
00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:19,882
And now you can't even ski?
304
00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:22,760
I can't anymore with this tube sock.
I can't!
305
00:13:22,843 --> 00:13:24,595
Fuck you, Andrew!
306
00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:27,014
Wow, dick move. Got to admire it.
307
00:13:27,097 --> 00:13:29,141
You know what, Maury? I can do this.
308
00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,060
Andrew, I gotta level with you, bud.
309
00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:32,228
You are out of shape.
310
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:35,731
You struggle with stairs,
and you have a hard time pouring milk.
311
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,441
You're going to kill yourself.
312
00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:40,945
You're right.
Andrew Glouberman would kill himself.
313
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:44,490
But Andrew Birch
is gonna shralp this pow-pow.
314
00:13:44,573 --> 00:13:46,617
I'm on my butt. I'm on my butt.
315
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,702
Oh, no! Here comes the tree.
316
00:13:48,786 --> 00:13:50,287
Still approaching.
317
00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:52,373
-Ow!
-Hey, are you okay?
318
00:13:52,456 --> 00:13:54,667
No. I shouldn't even be up here.
319
00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:57,878
Me neither. My mom was right.
I'm gonna break my neck…
320
00:13:57,962 --> 00:14:00,714
[both] Like a Kennedy
because their family was cursed.
321
00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:02,299
-That's what I was gonna say.
-Jinx!
322
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:04,051
-[chuckles] Hi, I'm Bernadette.
-Hi!
323
00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:06,846
Bernadette Sanders.
But everyone just calls me Bernie.
324
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:07,930
[chuckling] Wow!
325
00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:09,098
-I'm--
-Andrew?
326
00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:10,599
-Yeah!
-Cute picture, by the way.
327
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:14,520
Oh, my God, you found my wallet
that's the same color as the snow!
328
00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:17,398
Yeah, I tripped on it,
and it got lodged in my crevasse.
329
00:14:17,481 --> 00:14:19,233
Smell it, smell the fucking wallet.
330
00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:22,236
I'm so grateful
that you were able to find it and…
331
00:14:22,319 --> 00:14:24,405
[sniffs] No, it still smells like my ass.
332
00:14:24,488 --> 00:14:25,823
Ask if she'll put it back up.
333
00:14:25,906 --> 00:14:28,951
Well, here's a thought
from the ol' idea factory.
334
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:32,037
What if we go down the mountain
on our crevasses together?
335
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:35,708
Bernie Sanders,
nothing would make me feel less alone.
336
00:14:35,791 --> 00:14:38,794
-[giggles] Oh!
-[giggles] Oh! I went over a pine cone!
337
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:42,840
I can't believe they wouldn't let me
go down the Organgrinder.
338
00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:44,508
My rights are being trampled.
339
00:14:44,592 --> 00:14:46,427
And I didn't want to be
the one to tell you,
340
00:14:46,510 --> 00:14:48,888
but there are actual mountains out west.
341
00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:53,017
What you're skiing on here
is a hill of icy dog shit.
342
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,311
[Bernie] Oh, have you
ever seen Nights in Rodanthe?
343
00:14:55,394 --> 00:14:57,521
-Well, of course.
-I'm a huge Richard Gere fan.
344
00:14:57,605 --> 00:15:01,317
Get out of here. You're a Gere head?
I'm a huge Diane Laniac.
345
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,485
Well, sure. She's a piece of candy.
346
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,446
What in the actual fuck?
347
00:15:05,529 --> 00:15:06,989
Nick! This is Bernie!
348
00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:09,867
Hi, Nick! I'd get up and shake your hand,
but I'm holding in a fart.
349
00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:12,328
Hey, also that sign
above the hot tub that says,
350
00:15:12,411 --> 00:15:15,748
"Don't go in if you've had
diarrhea in the last 48 hours,"
351
00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:17,416
that's not, like, a law, right?
352
00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:20,836
It can't be. Who's ever gone
48 hours without having diarrhea?
353
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:21,795
[both] Not me!
354
00:15:21,879 --> 00:15:22,796
[laughing] Jinx!
355
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,715
Andrew found a snow bunny?
356
00:15:24,798 --> 00:15:28,010
Andrew? This trip is fucking trash.
357
00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:29,470
Come on in, Nick, join us!
358
00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:31,430
Yeah, I was just kidding about the fart.
359
00:15:31,513 --> 00:15:32,973
I let it out a long time ago.
360
00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,642
I wasn't gonna let it boil in here.
361
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:37,937
I think I'll just go stand barefoot
in the snow, but thanks.
362
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:39,605
Oh, hello, Bonstance.
363
00:15:39,688 --> 00:15:41,690
Actually, it's Bonrad.
364
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:44,360
And if you're using the hot tub,
I can come back.
365
00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:46,820
Oh, come on. There's plenty of room.
366
00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:50,616
It'll just be you, me,
and these two fucking Garbage Pail Kids.
367
00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:53,827
Well, I do love a juicy jacuzzi.
368
00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:55,871
Just like your sister
and her bubble baths.
369
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,290
Bubble baths are for gettin' clean.
370
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:00,751
Hot tubs are for gettin' dirty!
371
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:04,672
Holy shit, my boiled dick
is so hard right now.
372
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,677
Val, I would like to buy
the electric company
373
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,346
because things need to get turned on.
374
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:16,392
Well, if that would give you pleasure,
then I am ATV.
375
00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:20,437
-[giggles]
-I bet that filthy Bilzerian has HPV.
376
00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:22,022
Just give me the stupid dice.
377
00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:24,608
-Oh! Marvin Gardens!
-Yeah!
378
00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:27,778
Uh-oh, Bernie and I own
a big, fat hotel there.
379
00:16:27,861 --> 00:16:29,780
-Like your fat juicy butt!
-[chuckles]
380
00:16:29,863 --> 00:16:31,573
-Bernie, stop it!
-No, I won't!
381
00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:34,743
Oh, my God, both of you stop it! What the…
382
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,246
Welcome to the Hotel Di'Aray-a.
383
00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:39,873
-Where you pay out the ass.
-[both chuckle]
384
00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:40,916
-[Val] Hey, Nick!
-Shit.
385
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,877
-Check it out! I'm inside your sister!
-[moans]
386
00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:46,714
Thanks, Mom and Dad,
for making this so easy!
387
00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:48,215
{\an8}-No!
-If our children aren't fucking,
388
00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:49,341
{\an8}we're not proud of them!
389
00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:51,510
{\an8}-Nicky, why don't you have a lover?
-What?
390
00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:55,639
You're all alone, and this game is gonna
last another two and a half hours!
391
00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:56,765
-Fire!
-[booms]
392
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,183
Fuck you all!
393
00:16:58,267 --> 00:16:59,852
I don't want to play anymore!
394
00:16:59,935 --> 00:17:01,729
Nicholas! What is wrong with you?
395
00:17:01,812 --> 00:17:03,605
Me? What's wrong with you?
396
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:07,109
You're just gonna
let this sleazy putz fuck our Leah?
397
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,277
-Oh, my God!
-Yes.
398
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:11,488
We are gonna let Val fuck our Leah,
and Leah fuck our Val,
399
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:13,073
because that is who we are.
400
00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:15,617
Elliot! Do you even hear yourself?
401
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:16,827
Nick, sit down.
402
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:17,995
Have some Havarti.
403
00:17:18,078 --> 00:17:20,122
Have a couple olives and relax.
404
00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:22,875
We're the Birches.
We're sexually progressive.
405
00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:25,085
-Well, I'm sexually aggressive.
-[chuckles]
406
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,212
-Let me goosey that juicy caboosey.
-Oh!
407
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,256
Why are you here? Who even are you?
408
00:17:29,339 --> 00:17:31,550
I'm Bernie Sanders. Get on board!
409
00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:32,676
I hate all of you!
410
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,762
You're such a spoiled little baby!
411
00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:37,014
[whining] I am not spoiled!
412
00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:40,559
Fuck my family. Fuck Andrew.
Fuck Bernie Sanders!
413
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:43,854
You need to show those cum junkies
you are not a baby.
414
00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:45,522
Yeah! How--how do I do that?
415
00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:47,524
-What do big boys do?
-[dramatic sting]
416
00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:50,402
They fucking shred the black diamond!
417
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:51,695
Oh, hell yes.
418
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:55,866
Big boys also tie their own shoes
and hold their sippy cups
419
00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:57,868
all by their own selves.
420
00:17:57,951 --> 00:17:58,952
[Jay] All right.
421
00:17:59,036 --> 00:18:01,580
Well, you probably want me to get lost.
422
00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:03,957
I'd disappear,
but I don't know if you've heard,
423
00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:05,542
I can't do magic anymore.
424
00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:07,044
Yeah, I got that.
425
00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:09,588
Matthew, if you let him go, I quit.
426
00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:11,965
-Are you allowed to do that?
-Fucking try me.
427
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:14,843
[exhales] You know, Jay,
you don't have to leave.
428
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,845
Why are you being so nice to me?
429
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:19,264
Everybody's right, I'm a fucking loser.
430
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:22,684
Well, yeah, right now
your whole vibe kind of sucks.
431
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:23,727
See, you get it.
432
00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,562
-But this isn't you.
-Isn't it?
433
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:27,356
You're confident and tough.
434
00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:31,026
I mean, life shits all over you
like you're a statue at a bird sanctuary,
435
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,236
but you're Jay.
436
00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:35,405
-You just keep going.
-Yeah, he does. He's the best of us.
437
00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:37,241
And meanwhile, I'm such a coward,
438
00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:40,077
I couldn't even tell my boyfriend
why I really broke up with him.
439
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,412
[chuckling] Oh, yeah, that was so stupid.
440
00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:43,664
Aiden was perfect.
441
00:18:43,747 --> 00:18:45,541
I know, but he…
442
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,251
[sighs]
443
00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:49,336
Jay, he wasn't you.
444
00:18:49,419 --> 00:18:52,756
Wait, what?
Why are you saying all this shit?
445
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:56,552
I'm dumb. I'm rude.
My dick looks like a bruised yam.
446
00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:58,846
Because I like you, okay?
447
00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:00,222
There, I fucking said it.
448
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,057
I, like, like-like you.
449
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:06,436
-Oh, me, oh, my. I hope he likes us back.
-Hey, are you fucking with me right now?
450
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:07,980
Do not fuck with me, Matthew.
451
00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:09,106
You don't like me.
452
00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:12,734
I do! It's crazy,
but I really, really like you.
453
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:14,778
-I like that you're unhinged.
-Yeah!
454
00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:16,363
-Unwashed.
-So dirty.
455
00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:18,240
-Uncut.
-[growls] Uh-huh.
456
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:19,700
You're fucking right I am.
457
00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:23,996
And, Jay, you've got that funk
that makes my junk wanna spunk.
458
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:25,914
Hey, you used my line!
459
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:28,584
{\an8}Ooh, quick consent
to mash your mouth with mine?
460
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,669
Consent granted, sailor.
461
00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:31,795
[both moaning]
462
00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:36,133
Oh, finally. Reality matches my tattoo.
463
00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:39,386
When I clench…
[grunts] …they kiss. [grunts]
464
00:19:39,469 --> 00:19:45,267
So Valtrex Giuliani Bilzerian,
what, uh, arouses you?
465
00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:48,187
-Uh…
-I mean, what turns you on?
466
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:49,730
Oh, you know, just regular stuff.
467
00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:52,858
Stepsister stuff,
stepmom stuff, stepfather stuff.
468
00:19:52,941 --> 00:19:56,195
But what I'd be into right now
is "pleasuring you" stuff.
469
00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,655
-So what are you into?
-[gasps] What do I say?
470
00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:01,575
Speak from the heart, about your pussy.
471
00:20:01,658 --> 00:20:03,118
[scoffs] So I just say it?
472
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:05,037
A closed mouth don't get fed,
473
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,206
and a closed pussy don't get licked.
474
00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:10,876
Um, I think what I would like
is for you to go down on me.
475
00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:14,129
[exhales] Okay, I can do this.
I'm ready. But just a heads-up,
476
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:17,883
I'm not sure I can "adore the vagina"
as good as your dad does.
477
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:21,637
Hey, Val? Keep my father's name
out of your fucking mouth.
478
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:22,554
[both] Mmm.
479
00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:24,097
Quite the view, huh?
480
00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:27,935
So we're on a bed
in the midst of a rare diarrhea pause.
481
00:20:28,018 --> 00:20:29,853
[chuckles] What do you want to do?
482
00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:32,606
-Maury, what do I want to do?
-Uh, let me think.
483
00:20:32,689 --> 00:20:34,775
Tell her… Oh, God, I don't know.
484
00:20:34,858 --> 00:20:39,238
Uh, kissy. Ki-kissy touchy.
Oh, shit! Uh, kissy touchy wee-wee?
485
00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:42,532
Well, what would you like to do, Bernie?
486
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:44,660
I think I would like you to kiss me?
487
00:20:44,743 --> 00:20:46,870
Oh, kissy touchy wee-wee!
488
00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:48,288
-[kissing, chuckles]
-Mmm.
489
00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:51,583
Ooh! I like that your mustache
smells like mustard.
490
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:55,921
Oh, my boys are
fucking crushing it this episode.
491
00:20:56,004 --> 00:20:59,299
[moans] Okay.
Now that you've Zambonied the ice,
492
00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:00,926
should we try skating again?
493
00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:03,762
Wait, babe, since we're,
like, talking now and stuff,
494
00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:05,597
I should tell you that last night,
495
00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:07,099
it was my first time.
496
00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:09,601
-Oh! I'm so lame.
-Aww. No.
497
00:21:09,685 --> 00:21:12,354
I think it's nice
that it was both of our first times.
498
00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:16,024
Aw, that's very sweet, but chop-chop,
kissy touchy wee-wee! Come on.
499
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:18,652
-Okay, how's that?
-Good. We can go a little faster.
500
00:21:18,735 --> 00:21:22,072
-Really? Oh, does that feel okay?
-Mmm. Yeah. It feels kind of great.
501
00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:24,241
-I know!
-Hey, do you know how to skate backwards?
502
00:21:24,324 --> 00:21:26,285
Actually, I think
we might need to go for the jump.
503
00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:29,079
Already? [sighs breathlessly]
That's okay. Let's do it.
504
00:21:29,162 --> 00:21:30,205
[wheezing grunt]
505
00:21:30,872 --> 00:21:33,458
-[sighs] That was kind of okay.
-[pants, sighs]
506
00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:35,919
Fuck yeah! It was kinda okay!
507
00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:38,463
Yeah! Like pancakes without syrup.
508
00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:40,048
It was kind of okay!
509
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,467
-You wanna try again?
-[chuckles] I think I do.
510
00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:43,844
Yeah, let's go!
511
00:21:43,927 --> 00:21:47,306
Let's get some lady nectar
up on those flapjacks.
512
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:49,182
Okay, I get it. I've heard you.
513
00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:52,019
You don't love me anymore.
You want a divorce? That's fine.
514
00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:55,022
All I ask is 100% custody of you.
515
00:21:55,105 --> 00:21:57,357
I don't want a divorce, Elliot,
516
00:21:57,441 --> 00:22:00,944
I just want to have a real conversation
about our daughter having sex!
517
00:22:01,028 --> 00:22:03,780
-Oh, you want a real conversation, do you?
-Yes, I do!
518
00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:05,073
Well, here's what I think!
519
00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:07,993
Leah's ready to have sex when
Leah says she's ready to have sex
520
00:22:08,076 --> 00:22:11,163
because we made Leah ready
to have sex when Leah's ready to have sex.
521
00:22:11,246 --> 00:22:13,999
I know, but you need
to let me have my feelings about it!
522
00:22:14,082 --> 00:22:17,127
I'm yelling,
but I'm actually very sorry about that,
523
00:22:17,210 --> 00:22:19,463
and honestly,
I'm a little nervous about it too!
524
00:22:19,546 --> 00:22:22,341
How would I know that
if we don't talk about it?
525
00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:25,594
Oh, God, it feels like
just yesterday she was five years old,
526
00:22:25,677 --> 00:22:30,098
and we were explaining that what she was
calling her vagina was actually her vulva.
527
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:31,850
-[crying]
-I know it's hard,
528
00:22:31,933 --> 00:22:35,937
but do you know how sexy
you are when you're honest with me?
529
00:22:36,021 --> 00:22:37,022
[sniffles] I am?
530
00:22:37,105 --> 00:22:39,483
Can I please adore the vagina now?
531
00:22:39,566 --> 00:22:42,694
No, because I'm gonna ATP.
532
00:22:42,778 --> 00:22:44,571
You mean, adore the penis?
533
00:22:44,654 --> 00:22:46,323
No. Annihilate it!
534
00:22:46,406 --> 00:22:47,491
[gasps]
535
00:22:47,574 --> 00:22:49,326
-[kissing, moaning]
-Whew!
536
00:22:49,409 --> 00:22:51,661
[chuckles] It is hot under the Tuscan sun.
537
00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:54,581
I know, I'm schvitzing
through my prescription deodorant.
538
00:22:54,664 --> 00:22:57,334
Should we, uh, take off our shirts?
539
00:22:57,417 --> 00:22:59,878
Oh, my God, this is it!
540
00:22:59,961 --> 00:23:01,922
It's time to feel the Bern!
541
00:23:02,005 --> 00:23:02,923
Hey, Maury…
542
00:23:03,006 --> 00:23:05,592
My sister and I have decided two things.
543
00:23:05,675 --> 00:23:08,220
One, it's time to put our dad in a home.
544
00:23:08,303 --> 00:23:10,889
And two, we're having a threesome.
545
00:23:10,972 --> 00:23:14,017
Well, I think, uh,
both of those things are for the best.
546
00:23:14,101 --> 00:23:15,268
[grunting, moaning]
547
00:23:15,352 --> 00:23:17,396
Do you guys have
a place in mind for your dad,
548
00:23:17,479 --> 00:23:19,106
or you just gonna start researching?
549
00:23:19,189 --> 00:23:20,649
Yeah, put a finger in my fucking ass.
550
00:23:21,149 --> 00:23:23,276
Those assholes!
They can't tell me what to do.
551
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:26,113
Damn straight!
Let's hate fuck this mountain.
552
00:23:26,196 --> 00:23:27,030
Fuck yeah!
553
00:23:27,114 --> 00:23:29,366
-[exciting music plays]
-Whoa! [grunting] Ooh!
554
00:23:29,449 --> 00:23:30,534
[Walter] Oh!
555
00:23:30,617 --> 00:23:32,452
Later, losers!
556
00:23:32,536 --> 00:23:34,913
[laughs, grunting]
557
00:23:34,996 --> 00:23:36,998
[Nick] Oh, my God!
558
00:23:37,082 --> 00:23:38,667
I never tried ceviche,
559
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:42,170
-even though I told everyone I hated it!
-[head thudding]
560
00:23:42,712 --> 00:23:43,713
-[grunts]
-[cracks]
561
00:23:43,797 --> 00:23:45,298
Ow! My leg!
562
00:23:45,382 --> 00:23:47,467
I hate skiing!
563
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,344
I hate Mondays!
564
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:53,140
I hate my fucking life!
565
00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:55,725
-[Rick] But I love lasagna!
-[rumbling]
566
00:23:55,809 --> 00:23:57,853
-I love being pleasured!
-[classical music plays]
567
00:23:57,936 --> 00:24:01,523
I'm having sex
for the third time in 12 hours!
568
00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:04,192
I'm about to touch boobs!
569
00:24:04,276 --> 00:24:06,236
I'm also about to touch boobs!
570
00:24:06,319 --> 00:24:08,405
-[munching]
-And I'm about to put the mayo
571
00:24:08,488 --> 00:24:10,323
in a LaCienega sandwich.
572
00:24:10,407 --> 00:24:11,950
Yum, yum!
573
00:24:12,576 --> 00:24:13,660
[rumbling, rattling]
574
00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:16,204
-[both scream]
-[Val moans]
575
00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:17,789
-[both scream]
-[Leah] Oh, shit!
576
00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:18,999
[both] Whoa!
577
00:24:19,082 --> 00:24:21,126
-No!
-[window shatters]
578
00:24:21,209 --> 00:24:23,420
-[coughs] Bernie, are you there?
-[groans]
579
00:24:23,503 --> 00:24:25,005
Should we still keep making out?
580
00:24:25,088 --> 00:24:27,048
-I want to touch your boob.
-[grunting] Connie?
581
00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:28,091
-Bonnie?
-[moaning]
582
00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:30,302
Are you sixty-nining
each other under there?
583
00:24:31,553 --> 00:24:34,473
-[grunts]
-[gasps] Judd, you saved my life.
584
00:24:34,556 --> 00:24:37,601
-You die when I say you die.
-[grunts] Ooph!
585
00:24:37,684 --> 00:24:38,810
[Nick moans in pain]
586
00:24:38,894 --> 00:24:41,938
Well, Nicky,
you broke your leg and our trust.
587
00:24:42,022 --> 00:24:43,440
It wasn't my fault!
588
00:24:43,523 --> 00:24:44,816
What were you thinking?
589
00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:47,861
-It wasn't my fault!
-Yeah, it was. I saw the whole thing.
590
00:24:47,944 --> 00:24:48,945
He cursed us all
591
00:24:49,029 --> 00:24:50,822
-and then cried like a little bitch.
-[groans]
592
00:24:50,906 --> 00:24:54,451
I have to go.
My mom's freaking out about the avalanche,
593
00:24:54,534 --> 00:24:57,037
and my dad's big balls
got caught in his zipper.
594
00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,206
[stammers] Wait, will I see you tomorrow?
595
00:24:59,289 --> 00:25:01,541
I'm sorry, Andrew,
we have to get Nicky back to Bridgeton.
596
00:25:01,625 --> 00:25:02,959
-He needs surgery.
-No, no, no.
597
00:25:03,043 --> 00:25:05,295
You take the boy. I stay here with Bernie.
598
00:25:05,378 --> 00:25:08,882
I will make my way back to New York
by following the sun in reverse.
599
00:25:08,965 --> 00:25:10,634
-Now go!
-[sighs] Goodbye, Andrew.
600
00:25:10,717 --> 00:25:12,552
-Goodbye, Bernie Sanders.
-[kisses]
601
00:25:12,636 --> 00:25:14,971
Maybe we could try again in four years.
602
00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:17,057
I don't know. I'll be pretty old.
603
00:25:17,599 --> 00:25:19,059
Well, I hope you're happy, Nick.
604
00:25:19,142 --> 00:25:21,436
Your selfishness
ruined our family vacation.
605
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:25,649
Ugh! And you know Mom and Dad aren't gonna
let Val sleep in my room at home, fucker!
606
00:25:25,732 --> 00:25:28,151
-[groans]
-I was going to touch boobs, young man.
607
00:25:28,235 --> 00:25:31,029
Boobs. On a girl.
And she was gonna touch mine!
608
00:25:31,112 --> 00:25:32,906
All of you stop talking!
609
00:25:32,989 --> 00:25:36,243
I'm gonna get you for this,
Nick, if it's the last thing I do.
610
00:25:36,326 --> 00:25:38,453
Well, it probably
won't be the last thing I do.
611
00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:39,913
I'll probably smoke crack.
612
00:25:39,996 --> 00:25:42,123
Why did you make me go down that mountain?
613
00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:44,668
Oh, please. I didn't make you do shit.
614
00:25:44,751 --> 00:25:46,127
I hate you, Walter!
615
00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:49,256
[scoffs] Bitch! I hated you first!
616
00:25:49,339 --> 00:25:51,800
-[groans loudly]
-[dramatic classical music plays]