1 00:00:07,507 --> 00:00:09,175 [birds chirping] 2 00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:11,261 -[phone chimes] -Hey, Devin and Devon are having 3 00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:12,762 a New Year's Eve party tonight. 4 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:14,556 Oh! New Year's. 5 00:00:14,639 --> 00:00:16,766 When the ball drops, you better find someone 6 00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:20,311 to kiss your balls as they drop into their mouth. [chuckles] 7 00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:23,565 Hey-yo! The producers are finally letting me write my own jokes. 8 00:00:23,648 --> 00:00:27,694 Cool. "Please join us for a Re-New Year's Eve party 9 00:00:27,777 --> 00:00:30,363 as we renew our vows for the year ahead. 10 00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:31,573 Black-tie enforced"? 11 00:00:31,656 --> 00:00:33,908 Do you think that little shit Nick is gonna be there? 12 00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:38,705 Because if he is, that party is gonna turn into a fucking funeral, brother. 13 00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:42,417 I was this close to touching a real-life boob, and Nick ruined it! 14 00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:45,712 You should go to the bastard's house and give him a piece of your mind. 15 00:00:45,795 --> 00:00:47,589 Oh, you're right. I should! 16 00:00:47,672 --> 00:00:51,217 I'm gonna go let him have it, Marty Glouberman style. 17 00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:53,970 Yes! Ask for a refund on your friendship. 18 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,889 No one fucks with Andrew, baby! 19 00:00:55,972 --> 00:01:00,226 You're a man, Andrew, with a dick of steel and a gun for an ass. 20 00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:01,186 Go get 'em! 21 00:01:01,269 --> 00:01:03,104 -[chimes] -I don't wanna show up 22 00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:05,732 at a shitty New Year's Eve party with a dumb broken leg. 23 00:01:05,815 --> 00:01:10,737 Not to mention your cast smells like a pile of hot Band-Aids. 24 00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:12,238 This is all your fault, Walter. 25 00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:13,907 [laughs] My fault? 26 00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:15,784 You broke your own damn leg, 27 00:01:15,867 --> 00:01:16,951 you pocket diva. 28 00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:19,829 No, no, no, no, no. You made me fall in love with Jessi. 29 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:23,291 Then you made me hate everybody and go down that stupid fucking mountain. 30 00:01:23,374 --> 00:01:25,543 Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! 31 00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:27,003 I did all of that? 32 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,255 Yeah, you're the reason my life sucks. 33 00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:30,924 You know what? Fuck this. 34 00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:34,969 I am D-O-N-E done with your sniveling ass. 35 00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:36,304 Toodle-oo, bitch! 36 00:01:36,387 --> 00:01:37,847 Hey, where do you think you're going? 37 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:40,100 Don't you dare leave while I'm fucking talking. 38 00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:42,477 -[grunting] -Get off me, you weak-ass gimp! 39 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:45,563 Dr. Birch, I need to talk to your miserable son. 40 00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:48,817 And I need to talk to whoever cuts your hair because you look dynamite, 41 00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:49,734 and I love you. 42 00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:51,820 [both grunting] 43 00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:55,198 [screams, rattles] Don't you ever grab a grown worm's tail! 44 00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:58,451 -[inhales] Nicholas Birch-- Whoa! Jesus! -[both grunting] 45 00:01:58,535 --> 00:01:59,994 What the hell is that thing? 46 00:02:00,078 --> 00:02:02,872 Oh, shit. I'm sure they'll be right out. 47 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,375 -[toilet flushes] -Do not go in there 48 00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:08,545 unless you want to see doo-doo in the sink! 49 00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:10,880 {\an8}["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays] 50 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:16,261 {\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 51 00:02:20,431 --> 00:02:25,979 {\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 52 00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:28,690 {\an8}♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 53 00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:33,444 {\an8}♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪ 54 00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,788 {\an8}Maury, what the fuck was that snake thing? 55 00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,290 {\an8}Not a snake, a hate worm. 56 00:02:45,373 --> 00:02:50,587 {\an8}They're creatures that infect your soul with a lust for animus and violence. 57 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:51,880 So, like, bad vibes? 58 00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:52,797 Yeah, bad vibes. 59 00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:55,049 But now Nick is outta your life. 60 00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:58,094 He's Criminal Minds, baby. He's canceled. 61 00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,388 He's off the air, and we don't care. 62 00:03:00,471 --> 00:03:02,473 But, Maury, we gotta get Nick back! 63 00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:05,894 You can't lose eight kids and not expect a pay cut, man! 64 00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:07,562 I'm trying to buy a trampoline over here! 65 00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:10,857 Why should we help Nick? Did you not hear about my titty tragedy? 66 00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:12,609 Pretty please, Maury? 67 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:14,235 With a booger on top? 68 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,863 Ugh, fine. I'll help. But only for you, Rick. 69 00:03:16,946 --> 00:03:19,365 You know, Rick once helped me out of a Costco. 70 00:03:19,449 --> 00:03:20,992 You can't find the exit in those places. 71 00:03:21,075 --> 00:03:22,952 You just gotta look for the entrance. 72 00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,913 The entrance is the exit, man! 73 00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:25,872 Voilà, baby! 74 00:03:25,955 --> 00:03:29,751 All right, I'll come, but only because I, too, have been lost in a Costco, 75 00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:30,919 and it is scary. 76 00:03:31,002 --> 00:03:32,086 Road trip! 77 00:03:32,170 --> 00:03:33,504 -Ah! -Pack your bags, baby! 78 00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:36,633 The girls are headed to sunny San Diego! 79 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:37,884 Whoo-hoo! 80 00:03:37,967 --> 00:03:40,094 -[Mona] Ooh, a New Year's Eve party! -[buzzing] 81 00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:43,097 Missy, let's get out of this dirty fart room 82 00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:45,058 and see some actual human beings. 83 00:03:45,141 --> 00:03:47,018 Fuck that! You don't want to see those lowlifes. 84 00:03:47,101 --> 00:03:49,062 -[knock at door] -Who the fudge is that? 85 00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:52,440 Don't make me go in there, Monica. [stammers] She's a hate bomb. 86 00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,108 But it's your turn, Cyrus. 87 00:03:54,692 --> 00:03:56,069 -[crinkles] -[Cyrus groans] 88 00:03:56,152 --> 00:03:58,988 -[exhales] Okay, you can do this. -[tense music plays] 89 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,907 She's just a 13-year-old girl. 90 00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:03,826 If you're here to calm me down, fat man, it's not gonna happen! 91 00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:05,411 [Cyrus] Hey now, honey. 92 00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:07,288 I, uh, just wanted to tell you 93 00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:09,624 -I know how you feel. -[bomb ticking, beeping] 94 00:04:09,707 --> 00:04:11,793 {\an8}-Let me get this straight, Dad. -[exhales] 95 00:04:11,876 --> 00:04:17,006 {\an8}You think a 50-year-old, bald nerd who wears a radish bra knows how I feel? 96 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,717 [Cyrus] Well, now, I--I don't wear the bra. 97 00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:22,053 Ooh! Drop some salt on this old bitch. 98 00:04:22,136 --> 00:04:25,265 -You want to know how I feel, Cyrus Byrus? -[tense music rises] 99 00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:28,351 -Well, I hate you and I hate your wife! -You mean your mother? 100 00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:31,688 And I hate Jessi, I hate Ali, Nick, 101 00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:34,190 my messed-up hair, my gross bacne, 102 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,150 and I hate carob too! 103 00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:39,362 It doesn't taste like chocolate, it tastes like crap! 104 00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:41,197 [Cyrus] Oh, Missy! Not carob! 105 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:44,075 -Fuck carob and fuck you too! [screams] -[high-pitched beep] 106 00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:44,993 [Cyrus] Oh, shit! 107 00:04:45,868 --> 00:04:46,953 How'd it go? 108 00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:49,497 [sizzling] Let's just say, "I wear the bra." 109 00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:50,915 -You do? -No! 110 00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:52,166 [both kissing] Mmm. 111 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:56,045 Ah, Jay's pants car is a Wonderland. 112 00:04:56,129 --> 00:05:00,466 I just found this sexy pair of Emeril Lagasse bootcut jeans from 2002. 113 00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:03,594 I am having a weirdly amazing time. 114 00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:06,556 Me too, and look! A pair of pants with a butt zipper. 115 00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:09,267 They're perfect for getting your ass eaten on the go. 116 00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:10,393 -Ugh. -Hey, Matthew, 117 00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:13,896 what has 50 teeth and a big brown eye in the middle? 118 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:17,066 Huh? What's that? I can't write my own jokes anymore? 119 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:19,319 Okay, well, I guess you don't want the show to be funny. 120 00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:20,903 Hey, Matthew. I was thinking, 121 00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:23,990 maybe we can go to the Devins' New Year's party, 122 00:05:24,073 --> 00:05:25,908 dot, dot, dot, together? 123 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:26,826 -Yes, yes! -Yes. 124 00:05:26,909 --> 00:05:27,785 -Yes? -Yes! 125 00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:28,745 Yes! 126 00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:29,662 [howls] 127 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:32,749 New Year's wolf! 128 00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:34,709 Come on, Matthew, howl with me. 129 00:05:34,792 --> 00:05:37,712 -Well, I don't know if howling's my thing… -Oh. 130 00:05:37,795 --> 00:05:40,548 …'cause I'm more of a swan, bitch. 131 00:05:40,631 --> 00:05:42,925 ♪ New Year's Swan! ♪ 132 00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:44,719 Oh! 133 00:05:44,802 --> 00:05:49,640 You know what would really make your dirty swan ass shit out an egg? 134 00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:50,558 [laughs] 135 00:05:50,641 --> 00:05:53,895 If we took this naughty girl for a spin. 136 00:05:53,978 --> 00:05:55,521 Wait, what? This car turns on? 137 00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:58,149 Duh! It's only got 600,000 miles on it. 138 00:05:58,232 --> 00:06:01,611 Come on, how about a little joyride? 139 00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:04,322 Oh, shit! This kid is a madman. 140 00:06:04,405 --> 00:06:07,575 -What the fuck are you wearing? -It's a denim gimp suit, after all. 141 00:06:07,658 --> 00:06:10,078 -Matthew, I absolutely love it. -[Jay] Ha ha! 142 00:06:10,161 --> 00:06:12,163 -Here we go! -Jay, no. It's icy out. 143 00:06:12,246 --> 00:06:15,291 This is an old car. You're a child. You can't be on the road. 144 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:18,878 Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads, 145 00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:21,839 'cause I drive on the sidewalk, baby. 146 00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:23,341 -[tires squeal] -[screams] 147 00:06:23,966 --> 00:06:26,844 -[both grunt] -You better back the fuck up! 148 00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:28,262 -Ah! Wait. Wait. -[rattles] 149 00:06:28,346 --> 00:06:30,807 Where are you going? You can't just leave me here. 150 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:33,601 [laughs] Bitch, I just did. 151 00:06:33,684 --> 00:06:34,852 Shit! 152 00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:37,480 Excuse me, sir, I need a little help. 153 00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:39,065 -Hey, octopus lady-- -Uh, no. 154 00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:42,360 {\an8}-You, walking clump of noodles-- -Sorry, I don't have any change. 155 00:06:42,443 --> 00:06:44,654 Jesus, everyone up here's an asshole too. 156 00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:47,407 Wah wah, take it to the Complaints Department, kid. 157 00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:50,326 The Complaints Department? Perfect. Where--where is that? 158 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:53,788 Follow me. I'm gonna complain about how my dick pops out of my head 159 00:06:53,871 --> 00:06:55,456 every time I get pissed off. 160 00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:56,916 Look at this thing. 161 00:06:56,999 --> 00:06:59,419 I just don't get why Missy is so angry. 162 00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:02,630 She had an idea, I had an idea. People just liked mine more. 163 00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:05,925 People. Like. Your. Shit! You can't help it. 164 00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:09,303 That's called charisma. Seahorse Ronan got the same problem. 165 00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:11,806 -I think her name is Saoirse. -No, that's not a name. 166 00:07:11,889 --> 00:07:16,060 Jessi, didn't Missy try talking to you about how you took over her affinity group 167 00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:17,770 and you kind of blew her off? 168 00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:20,648 I mean, I remember her coming up to me at school, 169 00:07:20,731 --> 00:07:23,067 but I don't really remember anything she said. 170 00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:26,028 Now, see, if Seahorse was saying it, you'd remember that shit. 171 00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:31,033 Well, there's this bummer guy at the office and he sort of sucks a lot, 172 00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:33,619 but I think he might be able to help you. 173 00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:35,788 -[sinister music plays] -Ha ha! That's right, Sonya, 174 00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:39,584 because sometimes shame is so very appropriate. 175 00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:42,295 Oh, God, not him. He's awful. 176 00:07:42,378 --> 00:07:45,465 I was just gonna say the same thing about you. 177 00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:48,468 Whoa, what's happening? Is that me? 178 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:53,890 Yes, you're experiencing this moment with Missy through her eyes. 179 00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:56,100 [Missy] Jessi, you took over my affinity group, 180 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:59,353 and I'm not saying that you need to smooch my booty, but you know what? 181 00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:00,480 You should apologize! 182 00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:04,817 Fine. I am sorry, I guess, for helping you get rid of the mascot, 183 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,694 -which is exactly what you wanted. -Ooph! 184 00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:08,779 Damn. This didn't seem bitchy to you at the time? 185 00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:09,822 [Missy] That's not… 186 00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:12,533 I don't think you should come to the affinity group meetings anymore. 187 00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:15,077 Oh, no, I can't come to your boring meetings? 188 00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:16,579 That's such a bummer. 189 00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:17,663 Aw… 190 00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,874 Oh, God, I said all that? 191 00:08:19,957 --> 00:08:22,168 -Oh, I'm so ashamed. -[in sing-song] Nailed it! 192 00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:24,670 I just rolled right over her without realizing it. 193 00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:25,671 Who acts like that? 194 00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:27,757 Most of the time it is the white people. 195 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:31,052 [hesitantly] Also, back then, you were so into Ali, 196 00:08:31,135 --> 00:08:33,554 you didn't give a hot shit about anyone else, 197 00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:35,056 and that's kind of my fault. 198 00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:36,724 No, no, that's on me. 199 00:08:36,807 --> 00:08:38,392 Ladies, please. 200 00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:41,020 It's all your faults. 201 00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:43,064 #BlameWomen! 202 00:08:43,147 --> 00:08:44,440 {\an8}[indistinct chatter] 203 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:47,443 So you'd like to lodge a complaint against your daughter. 204 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:50,571 -[Cyrus] She says I wear a radish bra. -Well, do you wear the bra? 205 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:53,950 -No, I don't wear a bra! -Okay, sir, no need to holler. Hooph! 206 00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:56,369 Between you and me, I think he wears the bra. 207 00:08:56,452 --> 00:08:58,204 -What? -How can I help you, cutie pie? 208 00:08:58,287 --> 00:09:00,748 One of your goddamn hate worms left me here to die. 209 00:09:00,831 --> 00:09:04,585 Oh, dearie, well, that isn't super-duper, is it? [laughs] 210 00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:06,254 -Name? -Nick Birch. 211 00:09:06,337 --> 00:09:09,257 Oh, boy. You have quite the file here. 212 00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:12,802 Yeah, because I've been fucked over by every monster you've ever given me. 213 00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:17,181 Walter, Rick, Tyler, the Shame Wizard, Tito, Connie! 214 00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:19,100 This whole operation is a shit show. 215 00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:22,019 Gosh, I don't care for the cusses, Mr. Denis Leary. 216 00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:26,190 I don't give a rat's ass, I want answers. I want to speak to whoever is in charge. 217 00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:29,026 Oh, well, that's actually a great idea. 218 00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:30,111 Good. Finally. 219 00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:31,696 A-a little respect. Thank you. 220 00:09:31,779 --> 00:09:34,907 -End of the hall, red elevator, top floor. -[eerie music plays] 221 00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:35,908 Well, go on now. 222 00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:38,286 It's just the one with the throbbing red door. 223 00:09:38,369 --> 00:09:39,203 Uh… 224 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:42,957 Oh, it's okay, sweetheart, you're just getting what you asked for. 225 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,625 -[eerie sting] -[light crackles] 226 00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:47,795 Okay, well, Nick was with a hate worm named Walter, 227 00:09:47,878 --> 00:09:49,255 and this is the Hate Division. 228 00:09:49,338 --> 00:09:51,757 {\an8}This place gives me the creeps, Maury! 229 00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,009 What if get too scared 230 00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:54,594 -and I doo-doo in a sink? -Ahh! 231 00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:57,471 {\an8}-[Andrew] Oh, my God. -Holy shit! 232 00:09:57,555 --> 00:09:58,848 {\an8}Andrew Glouberman? 233 00:09:58,931 --> 00:10:00,683 {\an8}-Guys, come here, it's him. -[groans] 234 00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:03,603 You're that hateful maniac that yanked that kid out of his wheelchair. 235 00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:04,687 Fuck, I love you! 236 00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:07,356 Oh, remember when he went to the Nazi meeting? 237 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,610 You're such a dick! Hey, do you think I could get a selfie? 238 00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:13,446 Maury, I-I'm uncomfortable with my new celebrity. 239 00:10:13,529 --> 00:10:16,032 Well, you did do all those things. 240 00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:18,826 -Ooh! Do something terrible right now. -Excuse me? 241 00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:21,621 Stab me! Stab me in the ear. It would be an honor. 242 00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:23,205 Yeah, come on, asshole. Do it. 243 00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,750 Stab him in the neck, not the ear. 244 00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:28,127 What is this, a fucking Claire's? 245 00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:30,504 Walter, we were just looking for you. Where's Nick? 246 00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:31,672 No clue, Maurice. 247 00:10:31,756 --> 00:10:34,634 I left that little dribble of piss to rot and die. 248 00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:36,010 Completely understandable. 249 00:10:36,093 --> 00:10:39,263 And what exactly are you doing here? 250 00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:40,431 Uh, looking for Nick. 251 00:10:40,514 --> 00:10:45,144 [laughs] You know he thinks you're a hemorrhoid with glasses, right? 252 00:10:45,227 --> 00:10:46,646 Those were his exact words? 253 00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:49,899 [rattles] Doesn't that make you just hate his little guts? 254 00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:53,653 -I mean… -You need a hate worm, and I'm tech avail. 255 00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:56,238 Well, you have done incredible work with Nick. 256 00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,783 Oh, honey. I'm the best. 257 00:10:58,866 --> 00:11:02,703 But no, no, I can't. I know what it's like to go to those dark and angry places. 258 00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:05,206 And I don't hate Nick. I want to help him. 259 00:11:05,289 --> 00:11:06,123 -[groans] -Boo! 260 00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:08,167 -What a crock! -Never meet your heroes. 261 00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:12,254 Come on, Maury, we gotta keep looking for that mean little asshole. 262 00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:14,590 -Ugh, fine. Wait, where's Rick? -[toilet flushes] 263 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,051 Go! Go! Go! I did it! I doo-doo'd the sink! 264 00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:18,761 What? Why do you keep flushing, then? 265 00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:21,722 I like the sound, man! Just go! Run! Run! Run! Run! 266 00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:25,976 Oh, Knights of St. Joseph, I'm in utter shambles, 267 00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:29,814 for my relationship with Jay seems, like, totally done-zo! 268 00:11:29,897 --> 00:11:31,190 Please, your grace, 269 00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:34,026 I beg of thee not to roost in such sorrow. 270 00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:38,489 But I hurt him so badly, and it was absolutely on purpose. 271 00:11:38,572 --> 00:11:42,535 Just as I asked my hamster Eli after his untimely death, 272 00:11:42,618 --> 00:11:46,330 "Why do we microwave the ones we love the most?" [thuds] 273 00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:48,624 -[sobs] -You know, 'tis only a matter of time 274 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:51,627 before we see the inside of that microwave. 275 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,421 Shall we tell her of the prophecy? 276 00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:54,714 Prophecy? [sniffles] 277 00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:56,090 Of what prophecy… [gasps] 278 00:11:56,173 --> 00:11:57,174 …do you talk of? 279 00:11:57,258 --> 00:12:01,721 Your Highness, we speak of a prophecy delivered unto thee years ago 280 00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:04,223 about your romantic destiny. 281 00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:05,599 Listening. 282 00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:07,226 Who's that? 283 00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:10,521 -Ah, 'tis thee as a babe, Your Majesty. -[angelic choir] ♪ Ah! ♪ 284 00:12:10,604 --> 00:12:12,982 Like, honestly, goo-goo. 285 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:16,819 Tiny princess, thou are fated to find a love pure of heart. 286 00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:19,655 Neither father nor mother shall he have. 287 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:22,450 And, uh, a crown shalt rest upon his head. 288 00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:23,576 Oh, my goo-goo. 289 00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:26,537 Oh, my God, this is stunning news. 290 00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:29,331 That prophecy totally refers to Jay. 291 00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:32,626 [gasps] He's my true love! 292 00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:35,629 Well, it may refer to many suitors, My Queen. 293 00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:36,797 No, it's totally him! 294 00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:41,093 Jay is basically an orphan, and the crown is his spiky hair! 295 00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:43,888 -Case closed! -I worry that you're reaching, My Lady. 296 00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:46,891 Yeah, reaching for the microwave if you don't shut up. 297 00:12:46,974 --> 00:12:49,018 -Oh yeah, case closed. -Yeah, no, I think it's Jay. 298 00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:53,647 Get ready, Jay, this queen is coming for her fucking king! 299 00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:56,108 [typing] What the barf is that? 300 00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:58,486 I know you don't want to talk to me, 301 00:12:58,569 --> 00:13:00,946 but there's someone else who might know how you feel. 302 00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:02,031 Hey, girl! 303 00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:03,824 We are not her girl. Hang up! 304 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:07,286 No! I want to see her face when I rip her a new dookie chute. 305 00:13:07,369 --> 00:13:09,997 Why'd you call, Quinta? To fart down my throat? 306 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,500 Okay, no, I've actually been feeling bad 307 00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:14,502 about how things went down on Thanksgiving. 308 00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:15,503 -What? -Fuck that. 309 00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:18,798 And Uncle Cyrus said you've been holed up in your room all break, 310 00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:20,341 pissing in jars and shit. 311 00:13:20,424 --> 00:13:22,092 You don't look too good. You okay? 312 00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:23,427 What do you care how I look? 313 00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:25,596 You said my braids look like Frederick Douglass. 314 00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:26,806 [chuckling] I'm sorry. 315 00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:29,391 As funny as that was, you didn't deserve it. 316 00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,977 -Yeah, I didn't. -Come on, let me help you with your hair. 317 00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:33,229 Yes, please! 318 00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:34,313 Bump that noise. 319 00:13:34,396 --> 00:13:36,941 This piece of shit can't help you. She's a piece of shit. 320 00:13:37,024 --> 00:13:39,944 -[Missy] Ah! -She's not a piece of shit! She's Quinta! 321 00:13:40,027 --> 00:13:42,238 She's my favorite one in the whole family. 322 00:13:42,321 --> 00:13:45,282 -[Missy straining] -She knows cool music and calls men hoes! 323 00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:46,909 Yeah, she's my cousin… 324 00:13:46,992 --> 00:13:48,285 [grunts] …and I love her! 325 00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:49,954 No, no, no, Missy, hang up. 326 00:13:50,037 --> 00:13:51,789 Quinta! I want your help! 327 00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:53,874 Okay, why are you yelling, girl? 328 00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:54,792 Chill out. 329 00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:57,044 -[elevator dings] -Oh, what the hell? 330 00:13:57,127 --> 00:14:00,548 Kroll Show? Oh, Hello on Broadway? 331 00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:01,966 Huh, Big Mouth. 332 00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:03,217 [knocks on door] Hello? 333 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,179 -Hey! Yeah, come in. -[Nick] Whoa! 334 00:14:07,263 --> 00:14:08,472 Yeah, yeah, come on in. 335 00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:11,600 Look at you! Little me. You look great. 336 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,310 What the fuck? 337 00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:16,897 Who are you, and why do you look, like, so weird? 338 00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:19,108 I'm, uh, Nick Kroll, creator of Big Mouth, 339 00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:21,861 and I guess, like, grown-up, real-life you. 340 00:14:21,944 --> 00:14:23,279 That's very strange. 341 00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:24,488 Oh, yeah, I know. 342 00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:28,367 It's a very big swing. We'll see if it works, but not right now. 343 00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:30,327 Right now, we're gonna cut to the next scene. 344 00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:31,495 "Next scene"? What? 345 00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,330 "Interior: Jay's Pants Car." 346 00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:35,791 Jay has a pants car? That sounds fun! 347 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,794 -[car horns honking] -Holy shit, Maury. This is insane. 348 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:41,755 I know. And why does Jay have a "Baby on board" sign? 349 00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,507 {\an8}Is there a baby under the pants? 350 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:47,511 -Driving wolf! [howls] -Whoa, Jay, what the hell are you doing? 351 00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:51,348 What? I like to speed and throw pants out the window at strangers. 352 00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:52,850 -[grunts] -[tires squeal] 353 00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:56,395 I have proof who the Ponytail Killer is. It's-- [grunts] 354 00:14:56,478 --> 00:14:59,064 Oh, my God. That guy just got hit by a car! 355 00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:01,191 ♪ Driving swan! ♪ 356 00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:02,818 No. No driving swan. 357 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,904 Stop the car, Jay. Stop the car! 358 00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:06,405 -[tires squeal] -[both grunt] 359 00:15:06,488 --> 00:15:08,324 [sighs] Wow! 360 00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:10,701 I didn't even fly through the windshield this time. 361 00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:12,161 I'm getting better at this. 362 00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:14,496 Holy shit! You're insane, Jay. 363 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:17,041 Yeah! Thank you! Let's make out. 364 00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:18,959 No! You almost killed us. 365 00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:23,964 You're like a--a feral beast that needs to be put down before it bites a toddler. 366 00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:26,342 Wait. I thought that's what you liked about me. 367 00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:30,137 I thought so too, until you caused that violent denim pile up. 368 00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:31,639 "Violent denim pile up"? 369 00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:34,016 That's what I call my threesomes with Jay Leno 370 00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:36,268 and his lovely wife of 40 years, 371 00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:37,519 Mavis Leno. 372 00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:38,979 Oh, I see. 373 00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:43,609 Perfect Matthew doesn't want a "hit-and-run on his permanent record." 374 00:15:43,692 --> 00:15:45,694 You probably don't think I should be driving. 375 00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:48,822 Of course not! You just crashed into a fire hydrant, Jay! 376 00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:49,740 You know what? 377 00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:52,952 Maybe a wolf and a swan are just too different. 378 00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:55,913 One's a dog, and the other's a water chicken. 379 00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:58,624 "A water chicken"? How are we in the same grade? 380 00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:00,042 Yeah. I get it, Matthew. 381 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:02,211 You're better than me, you're smarter than me, 382 00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:04,630 and you never use your toenails as a toothpick. 383 00:16:04,713 --> 00:16:06,465 Well, guess what, 384 00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:08,884 Mr. Fancy Fountain at the Mall? 385 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:11,971 I don't wanna go to the New Year's party with you anymore. 386 00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:14,473 Well, good, because I don't wanna go to the party with you. 387 00:16:14,556 --> 00:16:17,643 Perfect. Sounds like we're all getting what we want. 388 00:16:17,726 --> 00:16:19,228 -[tires squeal] -Oh… 389 00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:21,855 [Missy] Okay, last one. 390 00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:24,817 I'm gonna slide this down. 391 00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,986 Ow! Oh, it hurts. 392 00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:30,990 [chuckles] Of course it hurts, Titties. You're tender-headed. It'll get easier. 393 00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,410 -[Missy winces loudly] -And you look amazing! Babe alert! 394 00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:35,744 More like Amber Alert. 395 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,455 Who the fuck is this ugly bitch that kidnapped Missy? 396 00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:41,333 [Jessi knocks at door] Hey, Missy? Are you in there? 397 00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:43,085 Jessi? What the hell do you want? 398 00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:45,254 [Jessi] I came to apologize. 399 00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:47,464 Hell no! Tell her to get her raggedy ass 400 00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:48,507 -out of here. -Um… 401 00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:49,800 Maybe you should hear her out. 402 00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:51,802 Usually, when a white chick shows up at our house, 403 00:16:51,885 --> 00:16:53,721 they've come to put their face in Lena's puss. 404 00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:56,765 Well, that's not my preference, but maybe you're right. 405 00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:59,184 -Okay, bye, Quinta! -Have fun getting eaten out. 406 00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:00,602 Hey. 407 00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:03,897 You know, if the apology doesn't work, eating her out is a good Plan B. 408 00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:06,400 Um, I… like your hair. 409 00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,986 Boom! If Jessi likes it, you know it's trash. 410 00:17:09,069 --> 00:17:10,362 Yeah, I'm kinda busy. 411 00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:13,198 So if you're just gonna stand there like some dumbass statue… 412 00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:14,908 Right, right, right. Sorry. 413 00:17:14,992 --> 00:17:17,411 Um, so, speaking of dumbasses… 414 00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:18,620 [chuckles] 415 00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:24,126 …I would like to apologize for engaging in dumbassery of the highest order. 416 00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:25,544 Ooph, I farted that one. 417 00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:28,464 Jessi, I think it's time to do oral. 418 00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:30,466 Oh, that apology was weak! 419 00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:32,801 Missy, tell this redheaded potato to fuck off. 420 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,845 You were supposed to be my friend. 421 00:17:34,928 --> 00:17:37,931 -And you completely bulldozed me. Twice. -Mm-hmm! 422 00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:40,225 -I know. I did do that. -[gentle music plays] 423 00:17:40,309 --> 00:17:43,771 It was shitty, and I feel like such an asshole, 424 00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:46,106 and I really am so sorry. 425 00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,524 And I miss you. 426 00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:48,776 Boo, you whore! 427 00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:50,611 Yeah. I kinda miss you too. 428 00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:51,904 What are you doing? 429 00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:55,574 This asshole admitted she's an asshole. Why are you giving her an out? 430 00:17:55,657 --> 00:17:56,992 Because she's eating shit, 431 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,495 and it's not often you see an asshole eating shit. 432 00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:00,954 Usually it's quite the opposite. 433 00:18:01,038 --> 00:18:03,123 Maybe I'll see you at the party tonight? 434 00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:04,374 Yeah, maybe. 435 00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,710 Great. Um, bye, Missy. 436 00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:07,669 Bye, Jessi. 437 00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:12,716 What the hell was that? "Bye, Jessi. Maybe I'll go to the party." 438 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,010 I don't want to be hateful anymore, Rochelle. 439 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,345 I'm a loving person! 440 00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:19,014 -You're a fucking dork! -Yeah, I'm a dork. 441 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,183 -And I love that about myself. -What? 442 00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:24,436 -I love my dorky mom, my dorky dad… -[wincing] Oh, shit! 443 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,855 -…and his dorky radish bra. -Fuck all them! 444 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:30,859 -And you know what? I love dorky carob! -No! 445 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:31,777 -Yes! -Oh! 446 00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:33,821 -No! -It's delicious, caffeine-free, 447 00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:35,364 and packed with calcium! 448 00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:36,365 -Ahh! -[Mona] Amen! 449 00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:38,826 And heck, I love you, Mona! 450 00:18:38,909 --> 00:18:41,161 -I love you too, darling. -[grunts] 451 00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:43,747 You flimsy bitches are pathetic. 452 00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:45,374 Well, you're not. 453 00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:48,293 You've really helped me to stand up for myself, Rochelle. 454 00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:49,795 And darn it, I gotta say it. 455 00:18:49,878 --> 00:18:51,380 Don't you dare. 456 00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:52,589 -I love you too! -[screams] 457 00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,383 -[groaning, yelping] -[Missy] Ah! 458 00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:56,510 -[Mona] Oh, shit! -[Missy whimpers] 459 00:18:56,593 --> 00:18:57,678 [continues groaning] 460 00:18:58,762 --> 00:19:00,889 Oh, my God, Rochelle. Are you okay? 461 00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:03,433 I… am… fabulous! 462 00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:04,810 Just fabulous. 463 00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:06,728 Look at my cute-ass wings! 464 00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:08,480 I missed being a lovebug. 465 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,899 Yeah, I missed being a lovebug too! 466 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,568 You look amazing, by the way! 467 00:19:12,651 --> 00:19:14,361 Almost as good as your hair, girl. 468 00:19:14,444 --> 00:19:16,780 {\an8}[gasps] You like it? I knew you were lying. 469 00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:20,492 I was, baby girl. I was just hangry. You know how that is. 470 00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:22,077 So let me get this straight. 471 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:26,039 You're using me and this whole show to work through your own shit 472 00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:27,291 from when you were a kid? 473 00:19:27,374 --> 00:19:31,128 Well, mine and all the other writers', but… but yeah, mostly mine. 474 00:19:31,211 --> 00:19:32,296 What the fuck? 475 00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:35,757 Where do you get the gall to create me just to torture me? 476 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,301 Great use of the word "gall." 477 00:19:37,384 --> 00:19:39,636 No, you're the writer, you wrote that line. 478 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,597 Y-you're just complimenting yourself. 479 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:44,683 No, we're writing this together right now, you and me. 480 00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:46,852 Look, it's blank. What do you want to say next? 481 00:19:46,977 --> 00:19:49,062 I want to know what I'm doing up here. 482 00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:52,691 Well, you demanded to be up here because you're such a hateful little shit 483 00:19:52,774 --> 00:19:54,359 and you wanted somebody to blame. 484 00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:56,486 Honestly, you're making me look bad. 485 00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:57,905 You're making me look bad. 486 00:19:57,988 --> 00:19:59,781 We're making each other look bad. 487 00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:01,909 Okay, so what the hell are we supposed to do about it? 488 00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:05,787 Well, personally, I'm doing quite well, but maybe you could go fuck yourself. 489 00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:08,040 -What? -[chuckles] I'm kidding. I'm joking. 490 00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:11,627 This scene needs some jokes, but honestly, all joking aside, 491 00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:13,503 you are being a whiny little bitch. 492 00:20:13,587 --> 00:20:15,714 You know what? Fuck you, Nick Kroll. 493 00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:17,591 This is my life. 494 00:20:17,674 --> 00:20:19,843 I'm being screwed over at every turn… 495 00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:21,887 [stammers] …and everybody hates me. 496 00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:25,140 Yeah, because hate is what you are putting out there, man! 497 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:28,310 It's not my fault. Walter came in and-- 498 00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:29,269 No, no. 499 00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:33,065 No. I don't wanna hear about Walter, and I don't want to hear about Rick. 500 00:20:33,148 --> 00:20:34,524 [as Rick] Okay, man? 501 00:20:34,608 --> 00:20:37,277 [normal voice] We all have our own monsters, hormones, 502 00:20:37,361 --> 00:20:39,112 anxiety, depression, hate. 503 00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:41,406 It's all about how you deal with them. 504 00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:43,325 Your monsters are you. 505 00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:45,035 -What? -Yeah. 506 00:20:45,118 --> 00:20:46,411 It's all you, buddy. 507 00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:50,999 So all the shit I've been blaming Walter for is kind of my fault? 508 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,042 Yeah, basically. 509 00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:54,920 You wanted to know who's in charge? Well, it's you. 510 00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:55,837 Fuck me. 511 00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:58,715 [chuckles] Yeah! That's why I said, "Go fuck yourself!" 512 00:20:58,799 --> 00:21:00,467 So, I'm all alone? 513 00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:04,263 [chuckles] No, you got your crazy family that loves you too much, 514 00:21:04,346 --> 00:21:07,307 you got all your horny little friends that jerk off all the time. 515 00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:10,936 Oh, speaking of, there's the horniest of your little pervy buddies now. 516 00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:14,439 -[Nick] Y-you mean Andrew? -Yeah. Oh, look, he's all sweaty. 517 00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:17,234 I think he's been looking for you, or jerking off, or both. 518 00:21:17,317 --> 00:21:19,653 Wow. He really is a good friend, isn't he? 519 00:21:19,736 --> 00:21:21,280 Yeah, he really is. 520 00:21:22,030 --> 00:21:24,157 So it's just about the end of the scene. 521 00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:26,827 Is there anything else you'd like to ask your future self? 522 00:21:26,910 --> 00:21:28,287 Yeah. Does, um… 523 00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:30,706 Does my, uh, my dick get bigger? 524 00:21:30,789 --> 00:21:33,166 Uh, yeah. Yeah, it--it gets bigger. 525 00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:35,711 Does it get, like, like, big? 526 00:21:35,794 --> 00:21:37,045 It--it gets bigger. 527 00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:38,839 Oh. Oh, okay. 528 00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:40,382 Yeah. 529 00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:41,967 Hey, Andrew. 530 00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:43,593 Oh, Nick, I found you! 531 00:21:43,677 --> 00:21:47,055 I can't believe you came for me, even though I've been such an asshole. 532 00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:49,141 Listen, I know how tempting it is to hate, 533 00:21:49,224 --> 00:21:50,976 but I'm choosing love, honey. 534 00:21:51,059 --> 00:21:52,311 Because I love you, Nick. 535 00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:53,729 I love you too, buddy. 536 00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:56,523 -[whooshing] -Oh! That melts my heart. 537 00:21:56,606 --> 00:21:57,441 [Nick] Walter! 538 00:21:57,524 --> 00:22:00,277 Hello, my big-headed angel baby. 539 00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:01,194 You're back. 540 00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:03,947 Sweetheart, I never left. 541 00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:05,991 Well, but you were a hate worm. 542 00:22:06,074 --> 00:22:07,993 And I loved being a hate worm, 543 00:22:08,076 --> 00:22:11,204 but I hated not being a lovebug. 544 00:22:11,288 --> 00:22:14,207 Wow, they're really "going through changes," huh, Maury? 545 00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:16,418 Yeah, yeah, yeah, the song. LOL. 546 00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:18,587 Listen, can I write my own jokes again? 547 00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:20,255 No, I--I don't like saying 'em. 548 00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,674 -Hold on. You voice me? -Yeah. 549 00:22:22,758 --> 00:22:25,719 Oh, bummer! I thought I was Will Arnett. 550 00:22:25,802 --> 00:22:27,512 Yeah, a lot of people think that. 551 00:22:27,596 --> 00:22:32,392 -Wow, that's, uh… That's disappointing. -Well, maybe people think that I'm Bojack. 552 00:22:32,476 --> 00:22:33,977 No, nobody thinks that. 553 00:22:34,061 --> 00:22:35,062 Yeah, I know. 554 00:22:35,145 --> 00:22:38,398 -[music playing over stereo] -All right! I'm DJ Pendejo, 555 00:22:38,482 --> 00:22:42,402 and this is Devin and Devon's Re-New Year's Rockin' New Year's Eve! 556 00:22:42,486 --> 00:22:43,945 -[DJ air horn plays] -And now, 557 00:22:44,029 --> 00:22:46,948 to re-New Year their vows, your hosts, 558 00:22:47,032 --> 00:22:51,328 Ryan Seahorse and Seahorse Ronan! 559 00:22:51,411 --> 00:22:55,040 Devin, I vow to look at the ground when other girls are nearby. 560 00:22:55,123 --> 00:22:56,041 Even my mommy. 561 00:22:56,124 --> 00:22:59,628 Devon, I vow to be your loving wife 562 00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:01,129 until high school starts. 563 00:23:01,213 --> 00:23:04,049 -[all cheering] -Okay, make sure you find someone 564 00:23:04,132 --> 00:23:08,011 to do kissies with at midnight, or you'll turn into a pumpkin, 565 00:23:08,095 --> 00:23:11,390 and I should know because I'm a pumpkin. 566 00:23:11,473 --> 00:23:12,307 [Jay sighs] 567 00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:14,893 I don't think I'll be kissing anyone tonight, Steve. 568 00:23:14,976 --> 00:23:17,646 I guess I'm just destined to ride this Earth alone 569 00:23:17,729 --> 00:23:20,899 in a car full of pants with no one in the passenger seat. 570 00:23:20,982 --> 00:23:24,486 {\an8}I have seeds and orange spaghetti in my brain. 571 00:23:24,569 --> 00:23:27,280 Oh, all right! Music. That's a fun choice. 572 00:23:27,364 --> 00:23:30,158 Oh, God, there's Jessi. I think I should go talk to her. 573 00:23:30,242 --> 00:23:31,243 Yeah, you do that. 574 00:23:31,326 --> 00:23:34,871 I'm gonna hit the dance floor and jiggle this creamy bowl of chowder. 575 00:23:34,955 --> 00:23:36,248 [dance music playing] 576 00:23:36,331 --> 00:23:39,000 Wow. Andrew's butt is hypnotic. 577 00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:40,127 I can't look away. 578 00:23:40,210 --> 00:23:43,672 Yeah, it really is shockingly the story of the season. 579 00:23:43,755 --> 00:23:46,091 Uh, hey, guys. Happy New Year! 580 00:23:46,174 --> 00:23:48,051 Missy! You came! 581 00:23:48,135 --> 00:23:49,845 Are you here to kick my ass again? 582 00:23:49,928 --> 00:23:51,096 Lead with love, baby. 583 00:23:51,179 --> 00:23:54,766 No, I'm--I'm here to apologize for gossiping about you 584 00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:56,351 and for ripping out your retainer 585 00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:58,645 and dunking your favorite highlighter in the boys' toilet. 586 00:23:58,728 --> 00:24:00,021 -What? -I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 587 00:24:00,105 --> 00:24:02,065 This was before I actually got to beat your ass. 588 00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:05,318 Okay, well, I guess it's a new year, 589 00:24:05,402 --> 00:24:07,154 so let's start fresh? 590 00:24:07,237 --> 00:24:09,531 [sighs] I'd like that very, very much. 591 00:24:09,614 --> 00:24:12,117 May I ask, is anyone else feeling the gravitational pull 592 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,578 from Andrew's sweet ass to the dance floor right now? 593 00:24:14,661 --> 00:24:16,288 Yeah, let's do it! 594 00:24:16,371 --> 00:24:19,332 Hey, Jessi, can we, uh… Can we talk for a second? 595 00:24:19,416 --> 00:24:22,043 What does this little Bilbo Baggins bitch want? 596 00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:23,128 What's up, Nick? 597 00:24:23,211 --> 00:24:27,340 Um, I just wanted to say that-- that I've been a real asshole to you. 598 00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:28,300 Yeah, no shit. 599 00:24:28,383 --> 00:24:31,386 Just 'cause you didn't like me back doesn't mean I get to hate you. 600 00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:32,888 Yeah! Double no shit. 601 00:24:32,971 --> 00:24:35,474 And I'm sorry, 'cause it's my fault, 602 00:24:35,557 --> 00:24:36,808 and I totally fucked up. 603 00:24:36,892 --> 00:24:39,394 Oh! I bet you a woman wrote that line. 604 00:24:39,478 --> 00:24:42,022 Um, thanks. I appreciate that. 605 00:24:42,105 --> 00:24:43,148 Happy New Year, Jessi? 606 00:24:43,231 --> 00:24:44,316 Happy New Year, Nick. 607 00:24:44,399 --> 00:24:46,860 Kiss him. Then headbutt him. And then kiss him again. 608 00:24:46,943 --> 00:24:49,196 -What? -I know! I know I'm crazy. 609 00:24:49,279 --> 00:24:50,947 -It's New Year's Eve! -[grunts] 610 00:24:51,740 --> 00:24:52,574 Hey, guys. 611 00:24:52,657 --> 00:24:55,994 Listen up, Jay Bilzerian, you are my destiny. 612 00:24:56,077 --> 00:24:57,329 Lola, what are you doing? 613 00:24:57,412 --> 00:25:00,665 Jay, what I did to you was assuredly heinous. 614 00:25:00,749 --> 00:25:03,752 -And I feel grape remorse about it. -You do? 615 00:25:03,835 --> 00:25:06,004 I know we've had our rough patches, Jay, 616 00:25:06,087 --> 00:25:09,466 but I truly think we're perfect for each other. 617 00:25:09,549 --> 00:25:12,135 We're both passionate, deeply neglected, 618 00:25:12,219 --> 00:25:16,348 and we've redefined horniness for a generation… [chuckles, snorts] 619 00:25:16,431 --> 00:25:19,142 …insomuch we're meant to be together. 620 00:25:19,226 --> 00:25:22,187 Oh, my God. Am I actually gonna fight Lola for Jay? 621 00:25:22,270 --> 00:25:23,355 Is that who I am now? 622 00:25:23,438 --> 00:25:26,024 It's who you've always been, Matty Boom-Boom. 623 00:25:26,107 --> 00:25:29,569 Now go! Go fight for that uncut beef balloon. 624 00:25:29,653 --> 00:25:32,239 Fuck! Maybe you're right, Lola. 625 00:25:32,322 --> 00:25:33,782 I guess we do make sense. 626 00:25:33,865 --> 00:25:37,869 -Jayzerian RicFlairian Bilzerian! -[howls] Matthew? 627 00:25:37,953 --> 00:25:40,622 I know you said a wolf and a swan wouldn't work-- 628 00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:43,458 -'Cause one's a dog and the other's-- -A water chicken, yes. 629 00:25:43,542 --> 00:25:45,460 But you make me happy, Jay. 630 00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:49,673 So I want a wolf, a hairy, crazy, uncut wolf. 631 00:25:49,756 --> 00:25:53,009 What in the wide world of shorts is happening right now? 632 00:25:53,093 --> 00:25:55,804 I like him, Lola. What can I say? 633 00:25:55,887 --> 00:25:58,807 Well, too bad. You're a day late and a dick short. 634 00:25:58,890 --> 00:26:00,934 Jay and I just got back together. Right, Jay? 635 00:26:01,017 --> 00:26:01,893 Jay, is that true? 636 00:26:01,977 --> 00:26:05,230 Oh, fuck. Fuck! Hold on. Ah, shit! 637 00:26:05,313 --> 00:26:06,690 -Well, Jay? -Who's it gonna be? 638 00:26:06,773 --> 00:26:10,068 -Yeah, who's it gonna be? -[sighs] Matthew, I'm sorry. 639 00:26:10,151 --> 00:26:12,529 -But I'm choosing you. -What? 640 00:26:12,612 --> 00:26:17,826 And Lola, you're the one that I'm not choosing, 641 00:26:17,909 --> 00:26:19,619 because Matthew's my choice. 642 00:26:19,703 --> 00:26:21,538 -Oh! -What the fuck, Jay? 643 00:26:21,621 --> 00:26:22,747 I'm sorry, Lola. 644 00:26:22,831 --> 00:26:25,333 -But I've seen what two wolves can do. -[gentle music plays] 645 00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:27,127 They tear each other apart, 646 00:26:27,210 --> 00:26:29,713 but Matthew makes me feel good. 647 00:26:29,796 --> 00:26:33,466 Maybe it's time I get my sock wet with a water chicken. 648 00:26:33,550 --> 00:26:35,260 I can't believe you, Jay. 649 00:26:35,343 --> 00:26:37,512 I hope you have a crappy New Year. 650 00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:38,763 [punches, grunts, sobs] 651 00:26:38,847 --> 00:26:41,016 All right, folks, we're ten seconds away 652 00:26:41,099 --> 00:26:42,809 -from Rosh Hashanah! -[kids counting down] 653 00:26:42,892 --> 00:26:44,769 Quick consent to kiss you in front of everyone? 654 00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:46,438 -Happy wolf! -[kids] Five, four… 655 00:26:46,521 --> 00:26:48,690 -♪ Happy swan! ♪ -…three, two, one. [cheers] 656 00:26:48,773 --> 00:26:50,900 -[Missy] Happy New Year! -Happy ass! 657 00:26:50,984 --> 00:26:52,944 Ooh, nice ass, Maurice. 658 00:26:53,028 --> 00:26:54,279 If you stick your hand in there, 659 00:26:54,362 --> 00:26:56,156 it'll look like you're breaking up a fight. 660 00:26:56,239 --> 00:26:58,825 -What if I stick my foot in? -[laughs] 661 00:26:58,908 --> 00:27:00,201 [both grunting] 662 00:27:00,285 --> 00:27:04,289 We really put these children through the wringer this year, didn't we? 663 00:27:04,372 --> 00:27:05,957 We sure as hell did. 664 00:27:06,041 --> 00:27:08,752 No, no, no, no, no. They did it to themselves. 665 00:27:08,835 --> 00:27:11,796 That's what we learned this season. We are them. 666 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:14,257 We're them? Wait. Fuck that. I'm me. 667 00:27:14,341 --> 00:27:16,384 Well, apparently I'm Nick Kroll. 668 00:27:16,468 --> 00:27:18,511 Hold up! I thought you was Will Arnett. 669 00:27:18,595 --> 00:27:20,847 Do you still want to bury your foot in my ass? 670 00:27:20,930 --> 00:27:22,265 Oh, Maury. 671 00:27:22,349 --> 00:27:25,435 -I want to put my whole head up there. -Wait, what? 672 00:27:25,518 --> 00:27:27,145 -[splat] -Ooh! 673 00:27:27,228 --> 00:27:28,355 Yeah! [grunts] 674 00:27:28,438 --> 00:27:30,815 -Agh… -Happy New Year, everybody! 675 00:27:30,899 --> 00:27:34,027 -["Devil Inside" by INXS plays] -♪ Devil inside, the devil inside ♪ 676 00:27:34,110 --> 00:27:37,280 ♪ Every single one of us The devil inside ♪ 677 00:27:37,364 --> 00:27:40,492 ♪ The devil inside Devil inside ♪ 678 00:27:40,575 --> 00:27:43,620 ♪ Every single one of us The devil inside ♪ 679 00:27:43,703 --> 00:27:45,205 ♪ Devil inside ♪ 680 00:27:45,288 --> 00:27:46,831 ♪ Devil inside ♪ 681 00:27:46,915 --> 00:27:50,126 ♪ Every single one of us The devil inside ♪ 682 00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:51,586 ♪ Here come the world ♪ 683 00:27:52,253 --> 00:27:54,089 ♪ With the look in its eye ♪ 684 00:27:56,424 --> 00:28:00,637 ♪ Future uncertain but certainly slight ♪ 685 00:28:02,681 --> 00:28:05,850 ♪ We look at the faces Listen to the bells ♪ 686 00:28:05,934 --> 00:28:09,187 ♪ It's hard to believe We need a place called hell ♪ 687 00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:13,108 ♪ A place called hell ♪ 688 00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:16,820 ♪ The devil inside ♪ 689 00:28:16,903 --> 00:28:18,238 ♪ The devil inside… ♪ 690 00:28:18,321 --> 00:28:19,364 [song fades]