-[crowd cheering] -[cameras clicking]
I know, I know, ladies, my performance was perfect.
I thank you so much.
Andrew Glouberman.
I'm Diane Lane, and I'm dyin' for you to sign my talented breasts.
Diane Lane, you're as clever as you are tempting.
But alas, I love another.
Bernadette Sanders.
My love, french me in front of these jealous women.
[moaning]
[Flanny] Oh, that Bernie Sanders.
She's magnificent.
-Ah! -And now that she's your girlfriend,
your whole life is a dream.
-Who are you? -Flanny O'lympic.
At your service, little fella.
Oh, okay. How does this work?
Do I have to catch you to get your pot of gold?
Okay. No, that's a little offensive.
But no. I am your Lovebug, you lucky boy.
My Lovebug?
Oh! Is it because I love Bernie?
Well, how could you not? She's perfection.
How does it feel to have met your wife at the age of 13?
Flanny!
[mockingly] I thought I felt a tingle in me lucky charms.
Ha, ha. All right, you each got one.
Now, then, let's get down to business.
Step one. We profess our undying love to Ms. Bernadette Sanders.
Ooh, I don't know.
Last time he told a girl he loved her, she fucking barfed in his face.
And then I got addicted to porn.
-Porn? -And arrested.
You see, he was throwing out all of his cum socks
-at the synagogue. -Cum socks? At the synagogue?
-Oh my! Is the room spinning? -[chuckles]
If the kid is rattling you already,
you should probably read his file. [grunts]
Mother of Mary. That's Andrew's file?
Oh, this is just the table of contents.
-Good heavens. -Bring in the rest, boys.
-[forklift beeping] -[gasps]
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
[Jay] All right.
Jay, are you sure about me meeting your family?
It feels unsafe.
I just thought it was so cool
how, at your house, all you Matthews sit in the same room
-with, like, no one crying... -Sure.
But do you realize by introducing me to your family,
you're basically coming out?
I mean, that's a huge fucking deal.
Exactly.
If I'm the same-sex lover of the hottest guy in my school,
there's no way they can neglect me.
Oh, honey, your logic is heartbreaking.
Just have the pepper spray ready, Matt.
And remember, no eye contact, and make yourself, you know, big.
It's my Big Mac! Hey!
Ah!
Okay, guys? I want you to meet my same-sex...
-Fuck you. -Oh God.
-Oh, I made eye contact. -Get away. Get away.
[coughing]
My brothers have been pepper sprayed so many times,
they've built up an immunity.
It's a condiment to us, dumbass.
What's all the commotion? Did I sleep through Christmas again?
Yeah, Mom, but you only missed it by a couple of weeks this time.
How wonderful.
Hey, do you know where Dad is?
Oh, of course not, sweetie.
-But thank you for asking. -Okay.
Well, there is someone I want you to meet.
Mom, this is my same... Aw.
I'm sorry, Jay.
But she does seem happier this way.
[Nick] Hey, team.
I left my thermos in my backpack for two weeks
and now it's all, you know, fuzzy inside.
Can somebody fucking deal with this, please?
-[chuckles] Okay, Dad. -What's that supposed to mean?
You're holding your pinky out, like Dad does.
I see everything.
Oh, look, Nicky. You are.
I guess we're the pinky twins now.
No, no, no. This isn't a dad thing.
Hey, Nick, I've got my pinky out too.
What? No, you don't.
Look down, baby.
Ew!
It's pink and smooth, with one tiny little hard part at the end.
Ooh, here's an idea. Let's pinky swear that we'll get matching pinky rings
and exchange them in a beautiful ceremony at your school.
Okay, no. I'm not your pinky twin. I'm actually a man.
So, Mommy, please, you know, clean my thermos now, okay?
-You guys, he's doing it again. -Goddamn it.
Hey, Nick, circling back.
The little hard part at the tip of my penis?
It was a dry contact lens.
Oh.
-[bell rings] -All right, class.
As part of our unit on genetics and genealogy,
the results of your DNA tests are in.
"Twenty-two and you"?
I'm sorry, aren't there 23 chromosomes?
Ugh, can we just not today, Jessi?
OMG. This test says that I have three possible dads?
That sounds like a fun story for later in the season.
Consider yourself teased, audience. [chuckles, snorts]
According to this, I'm 30% Nigerian.
No way. 47% Nigerian right here.
This is fate, Missy. What are the chances?
Considering the dark history of the slave trade,
it's not all that surprising.
Can we just not today, Missy?
Oh, that's weird. It says I'm Scottish?
And the carrier for high blood pressure,
enormous lips, and the warrior gene.
Well, it says my ancestors are Russian.
Yes, from the village of Chode, a town much wider than it is long.
Who cares about his short, fat penis?
Do these results confirm that he's not related to Bernie Sanders?
Oh, that wouldn't stop Andrew.
No, it would not stop me.
I frenched my first cousin, you see,
and then I sent her a photo of my stinky little winky.
[grunts] Oh dear, I haven't gotten to the incest box yet.
[grunts] Boxes. Plural, my friend.
Oh yes. According to my loogies that the scientists studied,
I have a secret half-brother courtesy of my dad's studly dick.
-Oh God, it says that? -Matthew, do you know what this means?
-Um, that your dad cheated on your mom? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, he did that. Big time.
But thank God,
because I now get another chance to introduce you to my family.
Oh, okay. So we're gonna do more of that.
So much more.
Hey, guys, according to my results, I'm a Samantha,
which, you know, makes sense, because I'm such a Miranda.
Missy, don't look now, but here comes the high priest of...
[moans]
-Hey, Missy. -Uh...
Hi, Elijah. How... Howdy-do to you.
Howdy and hoo. So, uh, you know how we're supposed to research our ancestry?
Yeah.
I was wondering if you wanted to go to a Nigerian restaurant with me?
Yes. Should we go now? I'll drive.
-You drive? -Just kidding. I have too many DUIs.
-Oh, you drink? -Just kidding. I'm a kid.
Cool.
Well, Bridgeton doesn't have a Nigerian restaurant,
but there is a Jamaican spot if you wanna meet up...
Yes. Jamaican food sounds so horny. I mean, delicious.
Oh God, Missy.
All right, I'm getting a call from a poop.
I mean, I have to go to the bathroom.
Where I only pee. I don't... I don't poop.
Oh, well, I can teach you how if you want. [chuckles]
Uh, I mean, bye, Missy.
Jessi. Elijah just asked me out on a honking date.
Really? Ooh, he's hot.
At least I think he did.
We might just do research. How do you know if something's a date?
I dunno. I think you just have to show up and see what happens?
Yeah, like when I got coffee with Seann William Scott.
Motherfucker brought his wife. Still got laid, though.
-So, pinky twin... -Do not call me that.
Did you learn anything interesting at school?
You know what? I actually did learn something kinda cool.
Did you know that we're Scottish?
No, no, no, I don't think we are, Nicky.
But I did a DNA test,
-and it came up... -Nicky, drop it.
Look, it says here that we're Scottish, and we carry the warrior gene.
Okay, let me see this ridiculous piece of junk science.
Anyone want a bite of this fraudulent paper? Mm.
Oh, it's delicious.
Um, what's going on, Dad?
Nothing is going on, Leah, with me or my past.
Now, this dinner is over.
-What the fuck? -Everyone go to sleep.
Kids, surely you've noticed
that we never talk about your father's family.
-I haven't. -I check out when you guys talk.
I'm struggling to stay off my phone right now.
Well, let me make it crystal clear.
Your father's family is off-limits.
What? How is anything off-limits here?
Dad talks about eating you out, like, every day.
Hey. Don't push this, you little shit.
I'd hate to see you lose all your nice things.
Oh my God. Why are my parents being so weird?
Parents are stupid. Especially mine.
For you see, my mom is a puddle and my dad is a hamburger.
They're actually a lovely couple. They've been together for a long time.
A turquoise Ferrari? My secret half-brother must be rich.
Well, he's definitely a Bilzerian.
Okay, okay, you go hide in the bushes over there
until you hear me say the phrase "same-sex lover."
Then, you jump out,
and I'll release the doves from my backpack.
Love that. But maybe you should get to know this guy first
before you ambush him with our relationship.
-[woman moaning] -Okay, you already rang the doorbell.
And it's porn.
Fuck. Now I'm gonna meet my secret brother with a boner.
Oh, here we go.
Whoa!
And you're amazed.
Holy shit! You're a jacked 40-year-old magician?
I'm actually 26. Who the fuck are you?
Oh, I'm Jay Bilzerian.
-Your half-brother. -So?
Well, you know, since we both came out of our dad's glue stick,
I was kind of hoping you would love me unconditionally
and meet my same-sex...
Look, man, your dad fucking my mom doesn't make us family.
Sometimes moms just get fucked.
Okay, but to be fair, you did just quote our dad's law commercial, so...
Guy Bilzerian dropped loads in most of the holes in this town.
Go bother one of them, shit bird.
Oof. I'm sorry, Jay. That did not go well.
Uh, didn't it, though? He gave us a clue.
-My dad dropped loads. -Right...
Loads... Loads in holes...
Cum in holes, cum in vagina...
-[gasps] Oh my God, Matthew. -[Matthew] Uh-huh.
Babies are made from cum and vaginas.
Sad, but true.
Ergo, there are other Bilzerians out there.
And we're gonna find them,
and I'm gonna introduce you to every goddamn one of them.
Doves, bring me my brother... Oh boy.
Mm, Diane's closet. Can you smell her, Andy?
[sniffs] Mm.
Yes.
Okay, Andrew, stop stroking my mother's laundry hamper
and help me look for whatever it is that my dad's ashamed of.
Step aside, Nick.
I shall use all my powers of uncanny perversion
to deduce where your father has hidden his shameful secret.
[vocalizing]
-Maury, what's the boy doing? -Shh, shh, shh! Watch the maestro at work.
It wouldn't be hanging in plain sight, no.
All the juiciest morsels live in the shadows, yes?
The underside of the rock.
Wait. I'm rock hard. It's right here.
I cannot believe that actually worked.
Okay. Some weird medals and an old passport?
William Alastair MacGregor?
[Andrew gasps] Is that your dad as a kid?
Does he have like a... like a secret identity?
This is getting creepy.
[chuckles] Well, here's something not creepy.
Andrew, I seem to have stumbled upon Diane's panty drawer.
I'm begging you, please do not take a pair of this woman's underwear.
Fine, I'll just take a scarf.
Ah, yes, the scarf. The underwear of the neck.
[Andrew sniffs] Mm.
And the neck is the butt of the head.
-Thank you. -And don't worry.
We intend to tip you decently despite the fact that we are children.
Missy, let's send your foot up Elijah's leg on a dick-finding mission.
Uh, no, he seems to be praying.
Maybe he's praying for you to foot-fuck his dick.
Amen. Oh. [chuckles]
Oh, my bad. I didn't even ask if you wanted to say grace with me.
Oh, no, no, it's fine.
You praying made me think about how a Catholic bishop was responsible
for bringing slaves from Africa to the New World. So...
-Uh, yeah. -That's what's up with me.
Ugh, what the fuck, Missy?
If you think about it,
the connection between the Church and the slave trade
is just really upsetting.
Oh God, now he's doing it too.
Quick. Jerk his chicken. Tickle his oxtail.
Throat his dick?
You know what? Uh, let's not talk about the slave trade anymore.
Have you ever heard of the Walls of Benin in Nigeria?
They were the largest man-made structure of the pre-mechanical era.
Yeah, and they were four times longer than the Great Wall of China.
Hold on. Is he a dork too?
But don't sleep on the Ife people. I mean, the iron smelting, the glass work...
Oh, the Ife are no joke.
I went to the Brooklyn Museum last summer,
and I saw a 900-year-old Ife terracotta sculpture.
You terra-cotta be kidding me.
[laughing]
That's good, Missy.
Well, these two nerds seem to be having fun,
but I'm so bored I want to set my pussy on fire.
And now, I will.
[Jay] Okay, Mom.
Just gonna give you a little coffee
that I stole from the Toyota dealership,
where I have breakfast every morning.
[gasps] What is this hot, brown wine?
I know you hate being conscious, but this is kinda important.
Did you know that Dad had other kids before he met you?
Oh yes. Before and after.
But doesn't that piss you off?
-Don't you worry about Jay's mom. -Wait, what's that?
This is just Jay's mom's little insurance policy.
When I go missing, you find this book, all right?
Bye-bye now, Jay's mom's son Jay.
Huh, okay. Huh, shell companies...
Unmarked graves?
Extreme paternity? [gasps]
This is it. The loads. Follow the loads.
[Nick] William Alastair MacGregor.
Just click on the first video. I will not read.
[man] Watch out, tae kwon do.
Scottish nipple twisting has arrived in New York.
Nipple twisting?
[man] And this ancient martial art has a bright new star, William MacGregor.
Whoa, that's my dad.
Oh, look at him oiling himself up.
Soft daddy, come to big papa.
Wait, I thought he was into the mom.
He's kind of into anything with a pulse, I guess?
I mean, I'm not that picky. I once fucked a tomato.
[man] William's father and coach, Seamus MacGregor,
is pushing for the sport to be included in this summer's Olympics.
Nipple twisting requires strength, stamina,
and extremely specific calluses.
Is that my grandpa?
[Seamus] Soon, the world will see
that the true measure of a man is found here,
on the tip of his... [beep] ...teat.
Whoa, are these fingers actually the weapons of a warrior?
There's only one way to find out.
You want me to twist your nipples?
Come on, just do it. Twist my bad little piggy titties.
Oh, the filth, it just rolls right off his tongue.
I'm sorry, I've got to... I've got to go and have a walk.
Okay, but hurry back.
You're gonna wanna see those little piggies get punished.
And so, basically, that's why my voice sounds a little different now.
Oh, it sounds like, eventually, they made the right choice.
Hey, kids. Whenever you're ready.
Okay, even the waitress thinks it's a date.
Now, to make it official, let him pay with his parents' money.
I can pay.
-Yes. -Sure.
Unless you wanna split.
No. What the fuck?
Yeah, sure. We can split it.
-Indeed. Seems appropriate. -If that's what you want.
No, Elijah. Don't listen to her. She's not well.
But, hey, I'm going to this party on Friday night, "Ife" you wanna come?
-Yes. Yes. Yes! -Try to freaking stop me.
I mean, okay, sure, whatever.
Would you say... it's a date?
Yeah, it's a date.
Holy shit.
I'm gonna set my pussy on fire again,
but this time with a stick of dynamite.
Fire in the hole!
It was crazy. He looked just like Jay, and he had no furniture,
except one fish tank with an electric guitar in it.
I'm sorry. I don't think I could handle another Jay.
-[screams] -Oh shit.
-Jay. -Matthew. [grunts]
I've got incredible news.
Turns out my dad made dozens of secret cum vagina babies.
Siblings. He means siblings.
Don't call them that. They're my brothers.
And I'm gonna introduce you to every single one of them.
Jay, you don't need to do this.
Yes, I do. I really like you, Matthew,
and I want all my brother loads to know it.
Oh, that is kinda sweet.
Yeah, and it's funny because loads are kind of sour?
Okay, and we're back.
Jay, I really like you too,
but I don't wanna go to any more sleazy magicians' houses.
You don't have to, my darling.
I'm gonna bring the sleazy magicians to us
by throwing a Bilzerian bastard family reunion.
Oof. That sounds...
Like the greatest idea since doves in a bag? I know.
Imagine it, all my brothers in one place.
It'll be just like we're back in our dad's balls.
Okay. But how do you get a bunch of Bilzerians
to come to a random party?
Uh, doy, everybody knows there are four things
-a Bilzerian cannot resist. -Okay.
-Jean shorts... -Sure.
-...casino steaks... -Really?
-...improvised weapons... -Copy that.
...and, of course, a lady in the shower to peep on.
-And a crime. -[chuckles] Woo!
Okay, how do we do this?
Do we, like, just, like, grab each other's nipples and fucking twist them?
Yeah, I guess that's what we do.
[chuckles] I don't know why I can't stop laughing. I'm so excited.
Ah!
Fuck, yeah. Twenty-first century.
[grunting]
That's it, baby. You're a warrior.
Yeah, I feel the blood of my ancestors coursing through my veins.
[in Scottish accent] They may take our nipples,
but they will never take our nipples.
Oh God,
I can feel the blood of my ancestors coursing through my veins.
Don't stop. I deserve to be oppressed.
Now confiscate all of my Judaica.
[gasps] What are you doing?
Nicky, stop it.
I found your secret box.
I know who you are, William MacGregor.
Don't you say that name.
William MacGregor no longer exists.
[whimpers] I'm Elliot Birch, your pinky twin.
Oh, Maury, my nipples are pulsing,
my asshole is throbbing,
my taint is begging to get involved, simply begging.
That's it. I can't take anymore.
In one short day,
this depraved little heathen has made me forget what love even means.
-Flanny... -Don't "Flanny" me.
I quit.
And I never want to see a nipple again for as long as I live.
Wait, no. Was it because I said "taint"?
I could call it my "grundle" if that makes it nicer for you.
Yeah, I mean, the clinical term is actually "the Bridge to Doodie City."
This random party with my four favorite things fucking rules.
Gimme that casino steak.
So do you two get fucked? Or are you just decorative?
Oh, it's always been my dream
to get eviscerated by a Norseman with a little dick, bro.
Oh man, she's soaping herself up.
You're beautiful, sweetheart. Take my casino steak.
Isn't this just the most lovely party?
I'm worried that shower lady's gonna get frostbite.
Well, don't tell anyone,
but the shower lady is actually Coach Steve.
Thanks, Jay.
My doctor at Petco is gonna be so excited I took a shower.
Are you ready, Matthew?
Because I think it's time for our big announcement.
Okay, how do I look?
-Uh, fat and pregnant? -Ah, perfect.
What the fuck are all you shitbags doing here?
Dad? Oh my God, I can't believe you actually came.
I get a special alert whenever there's a lady in a shower.
Attention, Bilzerian bastards. This is our dad.
And this is my same-sex...
Dad? Oh my God. Will you teach me how to ride a bike?
And teach me how to shave my back?
And teach me how to have sex with a baseball mitt?
Hang on. There'll be plenty of time for all of you to get parented.
But first, I have an announcement. I wanna introduce you to...
Hold that thought, almost abortion. I, uh, gotta take a dump.
Uh, sure thing, Dad.
A lot of these guys have waited their whole lives for this moment,
so I think they can wait for one more shit.
You know, Nicky, my father was a hard man.
And from the day I was born, he loved only one thing,
the ancient sport of nipple twisting.
Originally, the Scots called it "tweaking teats."
For them, it was a means of preventing invasion.
-[screams] -[Elliot] But for my father,
it was an obsession.
And the only time I felt truly loved
was when I was brutalizing someone's breasts.
That's it, William.
No mercy.
Picture that stupid twat's parents standing over his grave.
[Elliot] I craved his love so badly,
I... I completely lost control.
[screaming]
Oh my God. You pulled his nipples off?
I'm sorry to say I did.
And I was so horrified that I left my father's home forever.
I gave up nipple twisting and became a surgeon
to help people with my strong little hands.
And I vowed to myself that I'd be the exact opposite kind of father.
You mean, like a soft daddy?
The softest. And the daddiest.
Well, I guess I'm glad you're not like a raging, angry maniac.
And I'm glad you're my pinky twin.
Yeah, okay.
What the hell? Our dad's been in there for 45 fucking minutes.
It's fine. He's probably just having a hard steak shit.
Well, then, let us watch. He's our dad.
Shit. He El Chapo'd us.
That is classic Dad.
What the hell, Jay?
Did you invite us all over here just so he could abandon us again?
No! I invited you here
so I could introduce you to my same-sex...
You suck, Jay.
Nut stab.
Let's get outta here.
Let's steal the furniture.
I'm taking this painting of Chef Boyardee, bro.
-[boy] Gimme that. -[boy 2] Stop the steal.
Christ, what a bunch of assholes.
No, they're right. I suck.
And now my whole family hates me.
Who cares what your family thinks?
You're so much better than them.
-Really? -Yes.
Between your rotten genes and your truly horrific upbringing,
-you still somehow ended up a good person. -Aw.
I'd say you're a miracle, but, Jay, you're a genetic anomaly.
I don't know what that is, Matthew,
but somehow you always know
just the right thing to say to get me hard.
[Steve] Heads up, Jay.
When your brothers found out I was a pretend "lady in the shower,"
they stole my mustache.
So, I gotta use my eyebrows now.
Uh, you know, so yin-yang.
Hey, Coach Steve? Since you're kind of like a dad to me...
-Because I made thick in your mom's warm? -Ugh.
Yeah, but also because you're always there for me.
Anyway, I'm not sure if you've heard,
but Matthew and I are same-sex lovers now.
-That's awesome. -Yeah, it is pretty awesome.
Wow!
Thank you, Steve.
For what? Who are you?
Oh, I can't believe I'm going on a full-on date with Elijah.
Well, hold on. This can't be where the party is, darling.
It's a bloody church.
I know, but it's the address he sent me.
-Hey, Missy. -Hi.
So, you ready to party in God's basement?
Uh, sure. Just hope that doesn't mean hell. [chuckles]
Sounds like hell to me.
Welcome to Youth Group, Missy.
Elijah told us you were coming,
but he did not mention those rocking braces.
-Look at you. -Oh, thank you.
It's, uh, so cool that you hang out with a bunch of kids on a Friday night.
Also on Saturdays.
I'm sorry, but how could Elijah possibly consider this a party?
Now before you all get into that pizza,
let's join hands and thank the original Papa John.
Hey, I'm really glad you came.
[gasps] Mona, he's holding my honking hand.
♪ Hallelujah! Hallelujah! ♪
This evening has been saved.
Thank you, Jesus. I believe.
Now, while y'all grab a slice,
I want to say a couple quick words
about why it's absolutely wrong to masturbate.
Okay, there's always a catch.
You never get pizza for fucking free, do you?
You're such a bad boy for stealing my scarf, Andrew.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Birch. Maybe you should punish me.
So, you're really quitting, huh, Flanny?
I'm sorry, Maury, but the boy makes me sick to my bones.
-Okay, sure, Andrew's a little weirdo... -Yes.
...but the kid's got a good heart, and he deserves love.
I mean, just the other day,
he was in the shower and he did the cutest thing.
He tried to stick a bottle of Pantene Pro-V up his butt.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
I can only hope that this little one is half the monster that Andrew is.
Of course.
-How did I not see this before? -What? See what?
-You love him. -No.
That's the real love story here.
You genuinely love that little maniac.
I just think there might be something,
you know, really great with him and Bernie.
And maybe you could stick around, you know, for me?
Okay, Maury. I'm going to try to see this little pervert through your eyes.
Yes.
-Hey, Andrew. -Yeah?
I was thinking maybe you should ask Bernie what type of deodorant she wears.
I like that idea quite a lot. Go on.
And that way, you can buy some and rub it all over your body.
Oh, like I'm wearing a suit made out of Bernie.
Yeah.
Then you can smell her all the time
so that your penis fills with blood.
-How you like it. -Ah.
Flanny.
Welcome to the fucking team, brother.
-Here's your poncho. -Poncho?
Oh, did I not mention?
With Andrew, every seat is in the splash zone, honey.
[moaning] Roll the credits.
-♪ Free the nipple ♪ -♪ Free the nipple ♪
♪ Let it slip, just the tip ♪
-♪ Free the nip ♪ -♪ Right on ♪
-♪ Free the... Uh ♪ -♪ Let it slip ♪
♪ Free the nipple ♪
♪ Shine your pearl ♪
♪ Free the nip ♪
-♪ Release those girls ♪ -♪ Free the nip, let it slip ♪
-♪ Take a sip ♪ -♪ Gotta ♪
♪ Free the nipple ♪
♪ Free the nip ♪
♪ Free the nipple ♪
♪ Free the nip ♪
♪ Take off the uncomfortable stuff ♪
♪ Adam and Eve were ♪
♪ Naked under forbidden fruit tree ♪
♪ You know where the story leads ♪
♪ They lost the keys to paradise ♪
♪ Now our bodies ain't free ♪