1
00:00:07,458 --> 00:00:09,458
-[crowd cheering]
-[cameras clicking]

2
00:00:10,750 --> 00:00:14,875
I know, I know, ladies,
my performance was perfect.

3
00:00:14,958 --> 00:00:16,000
I thank you so much.

4
00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:17,166
Andrew Glouberman.

5
00:00:17,250 --> 00:00:21,416
I'm Diane Lane, and I'm dyin'
for you to sign my talented breasts.

6
00:00:21,500 --> 00:00:24,833
Diane Lane,
you're as clever as you are tempting.

7
00:00:24,916 --> 00:00:26,666
But alas, I love another.

8
00:00:26,750 --> 00:00:28,625
Bernadette Sanders.

9
00:00:28,708 --> 00:00:32,500
My love, french me
in front of these jealous women.

10
00:00:32,583 --> 00:00:34,333
[moaning]

11
00:00:34,416 --> 00:00:36,833
[Flanny] Oh, that Bernie Sanders.

12
00:00:36,916 --> 00:00:38,250
She's magnificent.

13
00:00:38,333 --> 00:00:40,666
-Ah!
-And now that she's your girlfriend,

14
00:00:40,750 --> 00:00:42,708
your whole life is a dream.

15
00:00:42,791 --> 00:00:44,833
-Who are you?
-Flanny O'lympic.

16
00:00:44,916 --> 00:00:46,500
At your service, little fella.

17
00:00:46,583 --> 00:00:48,500
Oh, okay. How does this work?

18
00:00:48,583 --> 00:00:51,041
Do I have to catch you
to get your pot of gold?

19
00:00:51,125 --> 00:00:53,625
Okay. No, that's a little offensive.

20
00:00:53,708 --> 00:00:57,541
But no. I am your Lovebug, you lucky boy.

21
00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:59,166
My Lovebug?

22
00:00:59,250 --> 00:01:01,625
Oh! Is it because I love Bernie?

23
00:01:01,708 --> 00:01:03,958
Well, how could you not? She's perfection.

24
00:01:04,041 --> 00:01:07,625
How does it feel to have met your wife
at the age of 13?

25
00:01:07,708 --> 00:01:08,541
Flanny!

26
00:01:08,625 --> 00:01:12,041
[mockingly] I thought
I felt a tingle in me lucky charms.

27
00:01:12,125 --> 00:01:13,750
Ha, ha. All right, you each got one.

28
00:01:13,833 --> 00:01:16,166
Now, then, let's get down to business.

29
00:01:16,250 --> 00:01:21,416
Step one. We profess our undying love
to Ms. Bernadette Sanders.

30
00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:22,916
Ooh, I don't know.

31
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:27,041
Last time he told a girl he loved her,
she fucking barfed in his face.

32
00:01:27,125 --> 00:01:28,833
And then I got addicted to porn.

33
00:01:28,916 --> 00:01:30,375
-Porn?
-And arrested.

34
00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:33,166
You see,
he was throwing out all of his cum socks

35
00:01:33,250 --> 00:01:35,458
-at the synagogue.
-Cum socks? At the synagogue?

36
00:01:35,541 --> 00:01:37,875
-Oh my! Is the room spinning?
-[chuckles]

37
00:01:37,958 --> 00:01:39,666
If the kid is rattling you already,

38
00:01:39,750 --> 00:01:42,291
you should probably read his file.
[grunts]

39
00:01:42,375 --> 00:01:45,250
{\an8}Mother of Mary. That's Andrew's file?

40
00:01:45,333 --> 00:01:47,250
{\an8}Oh, this is just the table of contents.

41
00:01:47,333 --> 00:01:48,833
{\an8}-Good heavens.
-Bring in the rest, boys.

42
00:01:48,916 --> 00:01:50,541
{\an8}-[forklift beeping]
-[gasps]

43
00:01:52,916 --> 00:01:58,500
{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪

44
00:02:02,416 --> 00:02:08,500
{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪

45
00:02:08,583 --> 00:02:09,750
♪ Oh ♪

46
00:02:09,833 --> 00:02:10,875
♪ In my life ♪

47
00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:13,333
♪ Oh ♪

48
00:02:13,416 --> 00:02:15,250
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

49
00:02:23,916 --> 00:02:24,875
[Jay] All right.

50
00:02:24,958 --> 00:02:27,458
{\an8}Jay, are you sure
about me meeting your family?

51
00:02:27,541 --> 00:02:29,125
{\an8}It feels unsafe.

52
00:02:29,208 --> 00:02:30,541
{\an8}I just thought it was so cool

53
00:02:30,625 --> 00:02:33,750
{\an8}how, at your house,
all you Matthews sit in the same room

54
00:02:33,833 --> 00:02:35,916
{\an8}-with, like, no one crying...
-Sure.

55
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,375
But do you realize
by introducing me to your family,

56
00:02:38,458 --> 00:02:40,083
you're basically coming out?

57
00:02:40,166 --> 00:02:41,750
I mean, that's a huge fucking deal.

58
00:02:41,833 --> 00:02:42,791
Exactly.

59
00:02:42,875 --> 00:02:47,666
If I'm the same-sex lover
of the hottest guy in my school,

60
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:49,791
there's no way they can neglect me.

61
00:02:49,875 --> 00:02:52,500
Oh, honey, your logic is heartbreaking.

62
00:02:52,583 --> 00:02:54,208
Just have the pepper spray ready, Matt.

63
00:02:54,291 --> 00:02:57,791
And remember, no eye contact,
and make yourself, you know, big.

64
00:02:57,875 --> 00:02:58,708
It's my Big Mac! Hey!

65
00:02:58,791 --> 00:03:00,041
Ah!

66
00:03:00,875 --> 00:03:04,500
Okay, guys?
I want you to meet my same-sex...

67
00:03:04,583 --> 00:03:06,458
-Fuck you.
-Oh God.

68
00:03:06,541 --> 00:03:09,166
-Oh, I made eye contact.
-Get away. Get away.

69
00:03:09,250 --> 00:03:11,333
[coughing]

70
00:03:11,416 --> 00:03:14,041
My brothers
have been pepper sprayed so many times,

71
00:03:14,541 --> 00:03:16,041
they've built up an immunity.

72
00:03:16,125 --> 00:03:18,291
It's a condiment to us, dumbass.

73
00:03:18,375 --> 00:03:23,333
What's all the commotion?
Did I sleep through Christmas again?

74
00:03:23,416 --> 00:03:26,791
Yeah, Mom, but you only missed it
by a couple of weeks this time.

75
00:03:26,875 --> 00:03:28,875
How wonderful.

76
00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:30,833
Hey, do you know where Dad is?

77
00:03:30,916 --> 00:03:32,916
Oh, of course not, sweetie.

78
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,583
-But thank you for asking.
-Okay.

79
00:03:35,666 --> 00:03:37,833
Well, there is someone I want you to meet.

80
00:03:37,916 --> 00:03:40,166
Mom, this is my same... Aw.

81
00:03:40,250 --> 00:03:41,750
I'm sorry, Jay.

82
00:03:41,833 --> 00:03:43,625
But she does seem happier this way.

83
00:03:43,708 --> 00:03:44,625
[Nick] Hey, team.

84
00:03:44,708 --> 00:03:47,250
I left my thermos in my backpack
for two weeks

85
00:03:47,333 --> 00:03:50,166
and now it's all, you know, fuzzy inside.

86
00:03:50,250 --> 00:03:52,458
Can somebody
fucking deal with this, please?

87
00:03:52,541 --> 00:03:55,541
-[chuckles] Okay, Dad.
-What's that supposed to mean?

88
00:03:55,625 --> 00:03:57,916
You're holding your pinky out,
like Dad does.

89
00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,083
I see everything.

90
00:03:59,166 --> 00:04:01,083
Oh, look, Nicky. You are.

91
00:04:01,166 --> 00:04:03,000
I guess we're the pinky twins now.

92
00:04:03,083 --> 00:04:05,208
No, no, no. This isn't a dad thing.

93
00:04:05,291 --> 00:04:08,083
Hey, Nick, I've got my pinky out too.

94
00:04:08,166 --> 00:04:09,125
What? No, you don't.

95
00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:10,125
Look down, baby.

96
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:11,250
Ew!

97
00:04:11,333 --> 00:04:16,125
It's pink and smooth,
with one tiny little hard part at the end.

98
00:04:16,208 --> 00:04:19,541
Ooh, here's an idea. Let's pinky swear
that we'll get matching pinky rings

99
00:04:19,625 --> 00:04:22,458
and exchange them
in a beautiful ceremony at your school.

100
00:04:22,541 --> 00:04:25,583
Okay, no. I'm not your pinky twin.
I'm actually a man.

101
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:29,208
So, Mommy, please, you know,
clean my thermos now, okay?

102
00:04:29,291 --> 00:04:32,083
-You guys, he's doing it again.
-Goddamn it.

103
00:04:32,166 --> 00:04:33,458
Hey, Nick, circling back.

104
00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:36,041
The little hard part
at the tip of my penis?

105
00:04:36,125 --> 00:04:37,833
It was a dry contact lens.

106
00:04:39,166 --> 00:04:40,208
Oh.

107
00:04:40,291 --> 00:04:42,166
-[bell rings]
-All right, class.

108
00:04:42,250 --> 00:04:45,250
As part of our unit
on genetics and genealogy,

109
00:04:45,333 --> 00:04:47,458
the results of your DNA tests are in.

110
00:04:47,541 --> 00:04:49,333
"Twenty-two and you"?

111
00:04:49,416 --> 00:04:52,041
I'm sorry, aren't there 23 chromosomes?

112
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,583
Ugh, can we just not today, Jessi?

113
00:04:54,666 --> 00:04:58,791
OMG. This test says
that I have three possible dads?

114
00:04:58,875 --> 00:05:01,958
That sounds like a fun story
for later in the season.

115
00:05:02,041 --> 00:05:05,500
Consider yourself teased, audience.
[chuckles, snorts]

116
00:05:05,583 --> 00:05:08,333
According to this, I'm 30% Nigerian.

117
00:05:08,416 --> 00:05:11,250
No way. 47% Nigerian right here.

118
00:05:11,333 --> 00:05:14,250
This is fate, Missy. What are the chances?

119
00:05:14,333 --> 00:05:16,375
Considering the dark history
of the slave trade,

120
00:05:16,458 --> 00:05:17,833
it's not all that surprising.

121
00:05:17,916 --> 00:05:20,375
Can we just not today, Missy?

122
00:05:20,458 --> 00:05:22,583
Oh, that's weird. It says I'm Scottish?

123
00:05:22,666 --> 00:05:24,833
And the carrier for high blood pressure,

124
00:05:24,916 --> 00:05:28,000
enormous lips, and the warrior gene.

125
00:05:28,083 --> 00:05:30,333
Well, it says my ancestors are Russian.

126
00:05:30,416 --> 00:05:34,625
Yes, from the village of Chode,
a town much wider than it is long.

127
00:05:34,708 --> 00:05:36,666
Who cares about his short, fat penis?

128
00:05:36,750 --> 00:05:39,833
Do these results confirm
that he's not related to Bernie Sanders?

129
00:05:39,916 --> 00:05:41,458
Oh, that wouldn't stop Andrew.

130
00:05:41,541 --> 00:05:42,708
No, it would not stop me.

131
00:05:42,791 --> 00:05:44,458
I frenched my first cousin, you see,

132
00:05:44,541 --> 00:05:47,125
and then I sent her a photo
of my stinky little winky.

133
00:05:47,208 --> 00:05:51,750
{\an8}[grunts] Oh dear,
I haven't gotten to the incest box yet.

134
00:05:51,833 --> 00:05:54,125
[grunts] {\an8}Boxes. Plural, my friend.

135
00:05:54,208 --> 00:05:58,125
Oh yes. According to my loogies
that the scientists studied,

136
00:05:58,208 --> 00:06:02,625
I have a secret half-brother
courtesy of my dad's studly dick.

137
00:06:02,708 --> 00:06:05,416
-Oh God, it says that?
-Matthew, do you know what this means?

138
00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:08,875
-Um, that your dad cheated on your mom?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, he did that. Big time.

139
00:06:08,958 --> 00:06:10,291
But thank God,

140
00:06:10,375 --> 00:06:14,708
because I now get another chance
to introduce you to my family.

141
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,875
Oh, okay. So we're gonna do more of that.

142
00:06:17,958 --> 00:06:19,125
So much more.

143
00:06:19,208 --> 00:06:22,666
Hey, guys, according to my results,
I'm a Samantha,

144
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:26,958
which, you know, makes sense,
because I'm such a Miranda.

145
00:06:27,041 --> 00:06:31,083
Missy, don't look now,
but here comes the high priest of...

146
00:06:31,166 --> 00:06:32,000
[moans]

147
00:06:32,083 --> 00:06:33,625
-Hey, Missy.
-Uh...

148
00:06:33,708 --> 00:06:36,500
Hi, Elijah. How... Howdy-do to you.

149
00:06:36,583 --> 00:06:40,500
Howdy and hoo. So, uh, you know how
we're supposed to research our ancestry?

150
00:06:40,583 --> 00:06:41,416
Yeah.

151
00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:44,125
I was wondering if you wanted to go
to a Nigerian restaurant with me?

152
00:06:44,208 --> 00:06:46,416
Yes. Should we go now? I'll drive.

153
00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:48,833
-You drive?
-Just kidding. I have too many DUIs.

154
00:06:48,916 --> 00:06:51,333
-Oh, you drink?
-Just kidding. I'm a kid.

155
00:06:51,416 --> 00:06:52,666
Cool.

156
00:06:52,750 --> 00:06:55,125
Well, Bridgeton doesn't have
a Nigerian restaurant,

157
00:06:55,208 --> 00:06:57,916
but there is a Jamaican spot
if you wanna meet up...

158
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,291
Yes. Jamaican food sounds so horny.
I mean, delicious.

159
00:07:01,375 --> 00:07:02,666
Oh God, Missy.

160
00:07:02,750 --> 00:07:05,125
All right, I'm getting a call from a poop.

161
00:07:05,208 --> 00:07:07,208
I mean, I have to go to the bathroom.

162
00:07:07,291 --> 00:07:09,625
Where I only pee. I don't... I don't poop.

163
00:07:09,708 --> 00:07:12,750
Oh, well, I can teach you how if you want.
[chuckles]

164
00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:14,708
Uh, I mean, bye, Missy.

165
00:07:14,791 --> 00:07:17,375
Jessi. Elijah just asked me out
on a honking date.

166
00:07:17,458 --> 00:07:19,166
Really? Ooh, he's hot.

167
00:07:19,250 --> 00:07:20,208
At least I think he did.

168
00:07:20,291 --> 00:07:22,875
We might just do research.
How do you know if something's a date?

169
00:07:22,958 --> 00:07:25,583
I dunno. I think you just have to show up
and see what happens?

170
00:07:25,666 --> 00:07:29,083
Yeah, like when I got coffee
with Seann William Scott.

171
00:07:29,166 --> 00:07:32,958
Motherfucker brought his wife.
Still got laid, though.

172
00:07:33,541 --> 00:07:35,583
-So, pinky twin...
-Do not call me that.

173
00:07:35,666 --> 00:07:37,375
Did you learn
anything interesting at school?

174
00:07:37,458 --> 00:07:40,458
You know what? I actually
did learn something kinda cool.

175
00:07:40,541 --> 00:07:41,875
Did you know that we're Scottish?

176
00:07:41,958 --> 00:07:43,958
No, no, no, I don't think we are, Nicky.

177
00:07:44,041 --> 00:07:46,000
But I did a DNA test,

178
00:07:46,083 --> 00:07:47,625
-and it came up...
-Nicky, drop it.

179
00:07:47,708 --> 00:07:52,041
Look, it says here that we're Scottish,
and we carry the warrior gene.

180
00:07:52,125 --> 00:07:55,708
Okay, let me see
this ridiculous piece of junk science.

181
00:07:55,791 --> 00:07:57,958
Anyone want a bite
of this fraudulent paper? Mm.

182
00:07:58,041 --> 00:07:59,291
Oh, it's delicious.

183
00:07:59,375 --> 00:08:01,500
Um, what's going on, Dad?

184
00:08:01,583 --> 00:08:05,333
Nothing is going on, Leah,
with me or my past.

185
00:08:05,416 --> 00:08:06,416
Now, this dinner is over.

186
00:08:06,500 --> 00:08:08,583
-What the fuck?
-Everyone go to sleep.

187
00:08:08,666 --> 00:08:10,750
Kids, surely you've noticed

188
00:08:10,833 --> 00:08:13,375
that we never talk
about your father's family.

189
00:08:13,458 --> 00:08:15,208
-I haven't.
-I check out when you guys talk.

190
00:08:15,291 --> 00:08:17,041
I'm struggling
to stay off my phone right now.

191
00:08:17,125 --> 00:08:19,333
Well, let me make it crystal clear.

192
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:22,625
Your father's family is off-limits.

193
00:08:22,708 --> 00:08:25,083
What? How is anything off-limits here?

194
00:08:25,166 --> 00:08:27,708
Dad talks
about eating you out, like, every day.

195
00:08:27,791 --> 00:08:30,458
Hey. Don't push this, you little shit.

196
00:08:30,541 --> 00:08:33,500
I'd hate to see you lose
all your nice things.

197
00:08:33,583 --> 00:08:36,166
Oh my God.
Why are my parents being so weird?

198
00:08:36,250 --> 00:08:38,708
Parents are stupid. Especially mine.

199
00:08:38,791 --> 00:08:42,625
For you see, my mom is a puddle
and my dad is a hamburger.

200
00:08:42,708 --> 00:08:45,541
They're actually a lovely couple.
They've been together for a long time.

201
00:08:47,541 --> 00:08:52,041
{\an8}A turquoise Ferrari?
My secret half-brother must be rich.

202
00:08:52,125 --> 00:08:53,958
{\an8}Well, he's definitely a Bilzerian.

203
00:08:54,041 --> 00:08:56,250
Okay, okay, you go hide
in the bushes over there

204
00:08:56,333 --> 00:09:00,791
until you hear me
say the phrase "same-sex lover."

205
00:09:00,875 --> 00:09:02,333
Then, you jump out,

206
00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:04,416
and I'll release the doves
from my backpack.

207
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:07,333
Love that. But maybe
you should get to know this guy first

208
00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:09,833
before you ambush him
with our relationship.

209
00:09:09,916 --> 00:09:11,958
-[woman moaning]
-Okay, you already rang the doorbell.

210
00:09:12,041 --> 00:09:13,041
And it's porn.

211
00:09:13,125 --> 00:09:16,291
Fuck. Now I'm gonna meet
my secret brother with a boner.

212
00:09:16,375 --> 00:09:17,458
Oh, here we go.

213
00:09:18,916 --> 00:09:21,125
Whoa!

214
00:09:21,208 --> 00:09:22,833
And you're amazed.

215
00:09:22,916 --> 00:09:27,125
Holy shit!
You're a jacked 40-year-old magician?

216
00:09:27,208 --> 00:09:29,583
I'm actually 26. Who the fuck are you?

217
00:09:29,666 --> 00:09:31,208
Oh, I'm Jay Bilzerian.

218
00:09:31,291 --> 00:09:32,875
-Your half-brother.
-So?

219
00:09:32,958 --> 00:09:36,541
Well, you know, since we both came out
of our dad's glue stick,

220
00:09:36,625 --> 00:09:39,541
I was kind of hoping
you would love me unconditionally

221
00:09:39,625 --> 00:09:41,916
and meet my same-sex...

222
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:45,000
Look, man, your dad fucking my mom
doesn't make us family.

223
00:09:45,083 --> 00:09:47,208
Sometimes moms just get fucked.

224
00:09:47,291 --> 00:09:51,041
Okay, but to be fair, you did just quote
our dad's law commercial, so...

225
00:09:51,125 --> 00:09:54,291
Guy Bilzerian dropped loads
in most of the holes in this town.

226
00:09:54,375 --> 00:09:57,333
Go bother one of them, shit bird.

227
00:09:57,416 --> 00:10:00,500
Oof. I'm sorry, Jay. That did not go well.

228
00:10:00,583 --> 00:10:03,500
Uh, didn't it, though? He gave us a clue.

229
00:10:03,583 --> 00:10:06,333
-My dad dropped loads.
-Right...

230
00:10:06,416 --> 00:10:08,416
Loads... Loads in holes...

231
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:11,500
Cum in holes, cum in vagina...

232
00:10:11,583 --> 00:10:14,416
-[gasps] Oh my God, Matthew.
-[Matthew] Uh-huh.

233
00:10:14,500 --> 00:10:17,083
Babies are made from cum and vaginas.

234
00:10:17,166 --> 00:10:18,000
Sad, but true.

235
00:10:18,083 --> 00:10:21,916
Ergo, there are other Bilzerians
out there.

236
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:23,208
And we're gonna find them,

237
00:10:23,291 --> 00:10:26,500
and I'm gonna introduce you
to every goddamn one of them.

238
00:10:26,583 --> 00:10:30,333
Doves, bring me my brother... Oh boy.

239
00:10:30,958 --> 00:10:35,166
Mm, Diane's closet.
Can you smell her, Andy?

240
00:10:35,250 --> 00:10:36,625
[sniffs] Mm.

241
00:10:36,708 --> 00:10:37,541
Yes.

242
00:10:37,625 --> 00:10:40,458
Okay, Andrew,
stop stroking my mother's laundry hamper

243
00:10:40,541 --> 00:10:43,000
and help me look for whatever it is
that my dad's ashamed of.

244
00:10:43,083 --> 00:10:44,041
Step aside, Nick.

245
00:10:44,125 --> 00:10:46,666
I shall use all my powers
of uncanny perversion

246
00:10:46,750 --> 00:10:50,333
to deduce where your father
has hidden his shameful secret.

247
00:10:50,416 --> 00:10:51,541
[vocalizing]

248
00:10:51,625 --> 00:10:55,125
-Maury, what's the boy doing?
-Shh, shh, shh! Watch the maestro at work.

249
00:10:55,208 --> 00:10:58,291
It wouldn't be hanging in plain sight, no.

250
00:10:58,375 --> 00:11:01,125
All the juiciest morsels
live in the shadows, yes?

251
00:11:01,208 --> 00:11:02,583
The underside of the rock.

252
00:11:02,666 --> 00:11:04,625
Wait. I'm rock hard. It's right here.

253
00:11:04,708 --> 00:11:06,458
I cannot believe that actually worked.

254
00:11:06,958 --> 00:11:11,291
Okay. Some weird medals
and an old passport?

255
00:11:11,375 --> 00:11:13,833
William Alastair MacGregor?

256
00:11:13,916 --> 00:11:15,666
[Andrew gasps] Is that your dad as a kid?

257
00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:18,875
Does he have like a...
like a secret identity?

258
00:11:18,958 --> 00:11:20,458
This is getting creepy.

259
00:11:20,541 --> 00:11:22,875
[chuckles]
Well, here's something not creepy.

260
00:11:22,958 --> 00:11:25,875
Andrew, I seem to have stumbled
upon Diane's panty drawer.

261
00:11:25,958 --> 00:11:29,791
I'm begging you, please do not take
a pair of this woman's underwear.

262
00:11:29,875 --> 00:11:31,750
Fine, I'll just take a scarf.

263
00:11:31,833 --> 00:11:35,458
Ah, yes, the scarf.
The underwear of the neck.

264
00:11:35,541 --> 00:11:36,625
[Andrew sniffs] Mm.

265
00:11:36,708 --> 00:11:38,916
And the neck is the butt of the head.

266
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,458
-Thank you.
-And don't worry.

267
00:11:42,541 --> 00:11:45,375
We intend to tip you decently
despite the fact that we are children.

268
00:11:45,458 --> 00:11:49,375
Missy, let's send your foot up
Elijah's leg on a dick-finding mission.

269
00:11:49,458 --> 00:11:52,291
Uh, no, he seems to be praying.

270
00:11:52,375 --> 00:11:55,333
Maybe he's praying
for you to foot-fuck his dick.

271
00:11:55,416 --> 00:11:56,875
Amen. Oh. [chuckles]

272
00:11:56,958 --> 00:12:00,041
Oh, my bad. I didn't even ask
if you wanted to say grace with me.

273
00:12:00,125 --> 00:12:01,541
Oh, no, no, it's fine.

274
00:12:01,625 --> 00:12:04,375
You praying made me think about
how a Catholic bishop was responsible

275
00:12:04,458 --> 00:12:08,416
for bringing slaves from Africa
to the New World. So...

276
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:11,000
-Uh, yeah.
-That's what's up with me.

277
00:12:11,083 --> 00:12:12,625
Ugh, what the fuck, Missy?

278
00:12:12,708 --> 00:12:13,708
If you think about it,

279
00:12:13,791 --> 00:12:15,791
the connection
between the Church and the slave trade

280
00:12:15,875 --> 00:12:17,250
is just really upsetting.

281
00:12:17,333 --> 00:12:19,083
Oh God, now he's doing it too.

282
00:12:19,166 --> 00:12:22,375
Quick. Jerk his chicken.
Tickle his oxtail.

283
00:12:22,458 --> 00:12:24,416
Throat his dick?

284
00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:28,166
You know what? Uh, let's not talk
about the slave trade anymore.

285
00:12:28,250 --> 00:12:31,833
Have you ever heard
of the Walls of Benin in Nigeria?

286
00:12:31,916 --> 00:12:35,291
They were the largest man-made structure
of the pre-mechanical era.

287
00:12:35,375 --> 00:12:38,583
Yeah, and they were four times longer
than the Great Wall of China.

288
00:12:38,666 --> 00:12:40,250
Hold on. Is he a dork too?

289
00:12:40,333 --> 00:12:45,666
But don't sleep on the Ife people.
I mean, the iron smelting, the glass work...

290
00:12:45,750 --> 00:12:47,916
Oh, the Ife are no joke.

291
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,916
I went to the Brooklyn Museum last summer,

292
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:53,958
and I saw
a 900-year-old Ife terracotta sculpture.

293
00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:56,291
You terra-cotta be kidding me.

294
00:12:56,375 --> 00:12:58,458
[laughing]

295
00:12:58,541 --> 00:12:59,416
That's good, Missy.

296
00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:01,875
Well, these two nerds
seem to be having fun,

297
00:13:01,958 --> 00:13:05,416
but I'm so bored
I want to set my pussy on fire.

298
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:07,250
And now, I will.

299
00:13:07,833 --> 00:13:08,708
[Jay] Okay, Mom.

300
00:13:08,791 --> 00:13:11,291
Just gonna give you a little coffee

301
00:13:11,375 --> 00:13:13,416
that I stole from the Toyota dealership,

302
00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:15,625
where I have breakfast every morning.

303
00:13:15,708 --> 00:13:18,833
[gasps] What is this hot, brown wine?

304
00:13:18,916 --> 00:13:22,916
I know you hate being conscious,
but this is kinda important.

305
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:26,583
Did you know that Dad
had other kids before he met you?

306
00:13:26,666 --> 00:13:30,250
Oh yes. Before and after.

307
00:13:30,333 --> 00:13:32,250
But doesn't that piss you off?

308
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:37,083
-Don't you worry about Jay's mom.
-Wait, what's that?

309
00:13:37,166 --> 00:13:41,625
This is just
Jay's mom's little insurance policy.

310
00:13:41,708 --> 00:13:45,541
When I go missing,
you find this book, all right?

311
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:49,416
Bye-bye now, Jay's mom's son Jay.

312
00:13:49,500 --> 00:13:53,375
Huh, okay. Huh, shell companies...

313
00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:54,875
Unmarked graves?

314
00:13:54,958 --> 00:13:58,208
Extreme paternity? [gasps]

315
00:13:58,291 --> 00:14:02,291
This is it. The loads. Follow the loads.

316
00:14:03,375 --> 00:14:06,208
[Nick] William Alastair MacGregor.

317
00:14:06,291 --> 00:14:08,458
Just click on the first video.
I will not read.

318
00:14:09,708 --> 00:14:11,250
[man] Watch out, tae kwon do.

319
00:14:11,333 --> 00:14:13,791
Scottish nipple twisting
has arrived in New York.

320
00:14:13,875 --> 00:14:14,875
Nipple twisting?

321
00:14:14,958 --> 00:14:19,375
[man] And this ancient martial art
has a bright new star, William MacGregor.

322
00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:20,791
Whoa, that's my dad.

323
00:14:20,875 --> 00:14:22,708
Oh, look at him oiling himself up.

324
00:14:22,791 --> 00:14:25,208
Soft daddy, come to big papa.

325
00:14:25,291 --> 00:14:26,916
Wait, I thought he was into the mom.

326
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,250
He's kind of into anything with a pulse,
I guess?

327
00:14:29,333 --> 00:14:32,250
I mean, I'm not that picky.
I once fucked a tomato.

328
00:14:32,333 --> 00:14:34,333
[man] William's father and coach,
Seamus MacGregor,

329
00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:37,375
is pushing for the sport to be included
in this summer's Olympics.

330
00:14:37,458 --> 00:14:40,833
{\an8}Nipple twisting
requires strength, stamina,

331
00:14:40,916 --> 00:14:43,458
{\an8}and extremely specific calluses.

332
00:14:43,541 --> 00:14:44,625
Is that my grandpa?

333
00:14:44,708 --> 00:14:46,416
[Seamus] Soon, the world will see

334
00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:50,000
that the true measure of a man
is found here,

335
00:14:50,083 --> 00:14:52,250
on the tip of his... [beep] ...teat.

336
00:14:52,333 --> 00:14:56,291
Whoa, are these fingers
actually the weapons of a warrior?

337
00:14:56,375 --> 00:14:57,750
There's only one way to find out.

338
00:14:57,833 --> 00:15:00,041
You want me to twist your nipples?

339
00:15:00,125 --> 00:15:02,666
Come on, just do it.
Twist my bad little piggy titties.

340
00:15:02,750 --> 00:15:06,250
Oh, the filth,
it just rolls right off his tongue.

341
00:15:06,333 --> 00:15:08,916
I'm sorry, I've got to...
I've got to go and have a walk.

342
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:10,291
Okay, but hurry back.

343
00:15:10,375 --> 00:15:13,666
You're gonna wanna see
those little piggies get punished.

344
00:15:13,750 --> 00:15:17,708
And so, basically, that's why my voice
sounds a little different now.

345
00:15:17,791 --> 00:15:21,375
Oh, it sounds like, eventually,
they made the right choice.

346
00:15:21,458 --> 00:15:23,166
Hey, kids. Whenever you're ready.

347
00:15:23,250 --> 00:15:25,500
Okay, even the waitress
thinks it's a date.

348
00:15:25,583 --> 00:15:28,791
Now, to make it official,
let him pay with his parents' money.

349
00:15:29,708 --> 00:15:30,541
I can pay.

350
00:15:30,625 --> 00:15:31,583
-Yes.
-Sure.

351
00:15:31,666 --> 00:15:33,041
Unless you wanna split.

352
00:15:33,125 --> 00:15:34,250
No. What the fuck?

353
00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:36,375
Yeah, sure. We can split it.

354
00:15:36,458 --> 00:15:38,833
-Indeed. Seems appropriate.
-If that's what you want.

355
00:15:38,916 --> 00:15:41,583
No, Elijah. Don't listen to her.
She's not well.

356
00:15:41,666 --> 00:15:46,291
But, hey, I'm going to this party
on Friday night, "Ife" you wanna come?

357
00:15:46,375 --> 00:15:48,750
-Yes. Yes. Yes!
-Try to freaking stop me.

358
00:15:48,833 --> 00:15:51,125
I mean, okay, sure, whatever.

359
00:15:51,208 --> 00:15:53,583
Would you say... it's a date?

360
00:15:53,666 --> 00:15:54,833
Yeah, it's a date.

361
00:15:54,916 --> 00:15:55,958
Holy shit.

362
00:15:56,041 --> 00:15:58,041
I'm gonna set my pussy on fire again,

363
00:15:58,125 --> 00:16:01,000
but this time with a stick of dynamite.

364
00:16:01,083 --> 00:16:03,000
Fire in the hole!

365
00:16:03,708 --> 00:16:07,458
It was crazy. He looked just like Jay,
and he had no furniture,

366
00:16:07,541 --> 00:16:10,583
except one fish tank
with an electric guitar in it.

367
00:16:10,666 --> 00:16:12,875
I'm sorry.
I don't think I could handle another Jay.

368
00:16:12,958 --> 00:16:14,166
-[screams]
-Oh shit.

369
00:16:14,250 --> 00:16:15,916
-Jay.
-Matthew. [grunts]

370
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,625
I've got incredible news.

371
00:16:17,708 --> 00:16:21,375
Turns out my dad made
dozens of secret cum vagina babies.

372
00:16:21,458 --> 00:16:22,541
Siblings. He means siblings.

373
00:16:22,625 --> 00:16:24,541
Don't call them that. They're my brothers.

374
00:16:24,625 --> 00:16:27,458
And I'm gonna introduce you
to every single one of them.

375
00:16:27,541 --> 00:16:28,791
Jay, you don't need to do this.

376
00:16:28,875 --> 00:16:31,291
Yes, I do. I really like you, Matthew,

377
00:16:31,375 --> 00:16:34,125
and I want all my brother loads
to know it.

378
00:16:34,208 --> 00:16:35,875
Oh, that is kinda sweet.

379
00:16:35,958 --> 00:16:39,125
Yeah, and it's funny
because loads are kind of sour?

380
00:16:39,208 --> 00:16:40,083
Okay, and we're back.

381
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,041
Jay, I really like you too,

382
00:16:42,125 --> 00:16:45,541
but I don't wanna go
to any more sleazy magicians' houses.

383
00:16:45,625 --> 00:16:47,666
You don't have to, my darling.

384
00:16:47,750 --> 00:16:50,625
I'm gonna bring the sleazy magicians to us

385
00:16:50,708 --> 00:16:53,958
by throwing
a Bilzerian bastard family reunion.

386
00:16:54,041 --> 00:16:55,458
Oof. That sounds...

387
00:16:55,541 --> 00:16:59,125
Like the greatest idea
since doves in a bag? I know.

388
00:16:59,208 --> 00:17:02,416
Imagine it, all my brothers in one place.

389
00:17:02,500 --> 00:17:05,666
It'll be just like
we're back in our dad's balls.

390
00:17:05,750 --> 00:17:08,583
Okay. But how do you get
a bunch of Bilzerians

391
00:17:08,666 --> 00:17:09,958
to come to a random party?

392
00:17:10,041 --> 00:17:12,833
Uh, doy, everybody knows
there are four things

393
00:17:12,916 --> 00:17:15,375
-a Bilzerian cannot resist.
-Okay.

394
00:17:15,458 --> 00:17:16,375
-Jean shorts...
-Sure.

395
00:17:16,458 --> 00:17:17,583
-...casino steaks...
-Really?

396
00:17:17,666 --> 00:17:18,958
-...improvised weapons...
-Copy that.

397
00:17:19,041 --> 00:17:22,041
...and, of course,
a lady in the shower to peep on.

398
00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:24,125
-And a crime.
-[chuckles] Woo!

399
00:17:24,208 --> 00:17:26,208
Okay, how do we do this?

400
00:17:26,291 --> 00:17:29,916
Do we, like, just, like, grab each other's
nipples and fucking twist them?

401
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,958
Yeah, I guess that's what we do.

402
00:17:32,041 --> 00:17:35,541
[chuckles] I don't know
why I can't stop laughing. I'm so excited.

403
00:17:35,625 --> 00:17:36,541
Ah!

404
00:17:36,625 --> 00:17:39,208
Fuck, yeah. Twenty-first century.

405
00:17:39,291 --> 00:17:40,416
[grunting]

406
00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:42,291
That's it, baby. You're a warrior.

407
00:17:42,375 --> 00:17:47,083
Yeah, I feel the blood of my ancestors
coursing through my veins.

408
00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:49,250
[in Scottish accent]
They may take our nipples,

409
00:17:49,333 --> 00:17:52,916
but they will never take our nipples.

410
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:53,916
Oh God,

411
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,000
I can feel the blood of my ancestors
coursing through my veins.

412
00:17:57,083 --> 00:18:00,958
Don't stop. I deserve to be oppressed.

413
00:18:01,041 --> 00:18:04,375
Now confiscate all of my Judaica.

414
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,083
[gasps] What are you doing?

415
00:18:06,166 --> 00:18:07,791
Nicky, stop it.

416
00:18:07,875 --> 00:18:09,416
I found your secret box.

417
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:12,125
I know who you are, William MacGregor.

418
00:18:12,208 --> 00:18:13,375
Don't you say that name.

419
00:18:13,458 --> 00:18:15,750
William MacGregor no longer exists.

420
00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:20,000
[whimpers]
I'm Elliot Birch, your pinky twin.

421
00:18:20,083 --> 00:18:22,625
Oh, Maury, my nipples are pulsing,

422
00:18:22,708 --> 00:18:24,208
my asshole is throbbing,

423
00:18:24,291 --> 00:18:26,666
my taint is begging to get involved,
simply begging.

424
00:18:26,750 --> 00:18:28,541
That's it. I can't take anymore.

425
00:18:28,625 --> 00:18:30,000
In one short day,

426
00:18:30,083 --> 00:18:34,791
this depraved little heathen
has made me forget what love even means.

427
00:18:34,875 --> 00:18:36,333
-Flanny...
-Don't "Flanny" me.

428
00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:37,250
I quit.

429
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:41,166
And I never want to see a nipple again
for as long as I live.

430
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:43,625
Wait, no. Was it because I said "taint"?

431
00:18:43,708 --> 00:18:46,041
I could call it my "grundle"
if that makes it nicer for you.

432
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:49,875
Yeah, I mean, the clinical term is
actually "the Bridge to Doodie City."

433
00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:54,750
This random party with
my four favorite things fucking rules.

434
00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:56,625
Gimme that casino steak.

435
00:18:56,708 --> 00:19:00,000
So do you two get fucked?
Or are you just decorative?

436
00:19:00,083 --> 00:19:01,625
Oh, it's always been my dream

437
00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:04,916
to get eviscerated by a Norseman
with a little dick, bro.

438
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,250
Oh man, she's soaping herself up.

439
00:19:07,333 --> 00:19:10,291
You're beautiful, sweetheart.
Take my casino steak.

440
00:19:10,375 --> 00:19:12,791
Isn't this just the most lovely party?

441
00:19:12,875 --> 00:19:15,166
I'm worried
that shower lady's gonna get frostbite.

442
00:19:15,250 --> 00:19:16,291
Well, don't tell anyone,

443
00:19:16,375 --> 00:19:19,791
but the shower lady
is actually Coach Steve.

444
00:19:19,875 --> 00:19:20,708
Thanks, Jay.

445
00:19:20,791 --> 00:19:25,041
My doctor at Petco
is gonna be so excited I took a shower.

446
00:19:25,125 --> 00:19:26,125
Are you ready, Matthew?

447
00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:29,458
Because I think it's time
for our big announcement.

448
00:19:29,541 --> 00:19:30,750
Okay, how do I look?

449
00:19:30,833 --> 00:19:32,916
-Uh, fat and pregnant?
-Ah, perfect.

450
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:36,041
What the fuck
are all you shitbags doing here?

451
00:19:36,125 --> 00:19:39,958
Dad? Oh my God,
I can't believe you actually came.

452
00:19:40,041 --> 00:19:44,166
I get a special alert
whenever there's a lady in a shower.

453
00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:48,666
Attention, Bilzerian bastards.
This is our dad.

454
00:19:48,750 --> 00:19:51,875
And this is my same-sex...

455
00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:54,875
Dad? Oh my God.
Will you teach me how to ride a bike?

456
00:19:54,958 --> 00:19:57,083
And teach me how to shave my back?

457
00:19:57,166 --> 00:19:59,666
And teach me
how to have sex with a baseball mitt?

458
00:19:59,750 --> 00:20:02,500
Hang on. There'll be plenty of time
for all of you to get parented.

459
00:20:02,583 --> 00:20:05,875
But first, I have an announcement.
I wanna introduce you to...

460
00:20:05,958 --> 00:20:10,041
Hold that thought, almost abortion.
I, uh, gotta take a dump.

461
00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:11,208
Uh, sure thing, Dad.

462
00:20:11,291 --> 00:20:13,791
A lot of these guys have waited
their whole lives for this moment,

463
00:20:13,875 --> 00:20:16,625
so I think they can wait
for one more shit.

464
00:20:16,708 --> 00:20:19,583
You know, Nicky, my father was a hard man.

465
00:20:20,166 --> 00:20:23,125
And from the day I was born,
he loved only one thing,

466
00:20:23,625 --> 00:20:25,875
the ancient sport of nipple twisting.

467
00:20:26,375 --> 00:20:29,125
Originally, the Scots called it
"tweaking teats."

468
00:20:29,208 --> 00:20:31,666
For them, it was a means
of preventing invasion.

469
00:20:31,750 --> 00:20:33,958
-[screams]
-[Elliot] But for my father,

470
00:20:34,625 --> 00:20:35,791
it was an obsession.

471
00:20:36,291 --> 00:20:39,291
And the only time I felt truly loved

472
00:20:39,375 --> 00:20:41,791
was when I was brutalizing
someone's breasts.

473
00:20:41,875 --> 00:20:43,083
That's it, William.

474
00:20:43,166 --> 00:20:44,291
No mercy.

475
00:20:44,375 --> 00:20:47,875
Picture that stupid twat's parents
standing over his grave.

476
00:20:47,958 --> 00:20:50,250
[Elliot] I craved his love so badly,

477
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:53,625
I... I completely lost control.

478
00:20:53,708 --> 00:20:55,250
[screaming]

479
00:20:55,333 --> 00:20:58,708
Oh my God. You pulled his nipples off?

480
00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:00,583
I'm sorry to say I did.

481
00:21:00,666 --> 00:21:04,750
And I was so horrified
that I left my father's home forever.

482
00:21:04,833 --> 00:21:07,750
I gave up nipple twisting
and became a surgeon

483
00:21:07,833 --> 00:21:10,791
to help people
with my strong little hands.

484
00:21:10,875 --> 00:21:15,000
And I vowed to myself that
I'd be the exact opposite kind of father.

485
00:21:15,083 --> 00:21:16,500
You mean, like a soft daddy?

486
00:21:16,583 --> 00:21:19,333
The softest. And the daddiest.

487
00:21:19,416 --> 00:21:23,625
Well, I guess I'm glad
you're not like a raging, angry maniac.

488
00:21:23,708 --> 00:21:26,625
And I'm glad you're my pinky twin.

489
00:21:27,125 --> 00:21:28,583
Yeah, okay.

490
00:21:29,416 --> 00:21:32,916
What the hell? Our dad's been in there
for 45 fucking minutes.

491
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,416
It's fine. He's probably just having
a hard steak shit.

492
00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:40,083
Well, then, let us watch. He's our dad.

493
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,208
Shit. He El Chapo'd us.

494
00:21:43,291 --> 00:21:44,416
That is classic Dad.

495
00:21:44,500 --> 00:21:45,458
What the hell, Jay?

496
00:21:45,541 --> 00:21:48,500
Did you invite us all over here
just so he could abandon us again?

497
00:21:48,583 --> 00:21:50,375
No! I invited you here

498
00:21:50,458 --> 00:21:53,083
so I could introduce you to my same-sex...

499
00:21:53,166 --> 00:21:54,416
You suck, Jay.

500
00:21:54,500 --> 00:21:55,541
Nut stab.

501
00:21:56,041 --> 00:21:57,208
Let's get outta here.

502
00:21:57,291 --> 00:21:58,666
Let's steal the furniture.

503
00:21:58,750 --> 00:22:01,708
I'm taking this painting
of Chef Boyardee, bro.

504
00:22:01,791 --> 00:22:04,000
-[boy] Gimme that.
-[boy 2] Stop the steal.

505
00:22:04,875 --> 00:22:06,750
Christ, what a bunch of assholes.

506
00:22:06,833 --> 00:22:09,416
No, they're right. I suck.

507
00:22:09,500 --> 00:22:11,333
And now my whole family hates me.

508
00:22:11,416 --> 00:22:13,125
Who cares what your family thinks?

509
00:22:13,208 --> 00:22:14,875
You're so much better than them.

510
00:22:14,958 --> 00:22:16,333
-Really?
-Yes.

511
00:22:16,416 --> 00:22:20,291
Between your rotten genes
and your truly horrific upbringing,

512
00:22:20,375 --> 00:22:23,291
-you still somehow ended up a good person.
-Aw.

513
00:22:23,375 --> 00:22:27,791
I'd say you're a miracle,
but, Jay, you're a genetic anomaly.

514
00:22:27,875 --> 00:22:29,583
I don't know what that is, Matthew,

515
00:22:29,666 --> 00:22:31,416
but somehow you always know

516
00:22:31,500 --> 00:22:34,208
just the right thing to say
to get me hard.

517
00:22:35,375 --> 00:22:36,291
[Steve] Heads up, Jay.

518
00:22:36,375 --> 00:22:39,833
When your brothers found out
I was a pretend "lady in the shower,"

519
00:22:39,916 --> 00:22:41,583
they stole my mustache.

520
00:22:41,666 --> 00:22:43,583
So, I gotta use my eyebrows now.

521
00:22:43,666 --> 00:22:45,125
Uh, you know, so yin-yang.

522
00:22:45,208 --> 00:22:48,208
Hey, Coach Steve?
Since you're kind of like a dad to me...

523
00:22:48,291 --> 00:22:50,791
-Because I made thick in your mom's warm?
-Ugh.

524
00:22:50,875 --> 00:22:54,333
Yeah, but also
because you're always there for me.

525
00:22:54,416 --> 00:22:57,541
Anyway, I'm not sure if you've heard,

526
00:22:57,625 --> 00:23:02,166
but Matthew and I are same-sex lovers now.

527
00:23:02,250 --> 00:23:05,708
-That's awesome.
-Yeah, it is pretty awesome.

528
00:23:05,791 --> 00:23:06,666
Wow!

529
00:23:06,750 --> 00:23:07,750
Thank you, Steve.

530
00:23:07,833 --> 00:23:09,500
For what? Who are you?

531
00:23:09,583 --> 00:23:13,166
Oh, I can't believe
I'm going on a full-on date with Elijah.

532
00:23:13,250 --> 00:23:16,083
Well, hold on.
This can't be where the party is, darling.

533
00:23:16,166 --> 00:23:17,166
It's a bloody church.

534
00:23:17,250 --> 00:23:20,125
I know, but it's the address he sent me.

535
00:23:20,208 --> 00:23:22,125
-Hey, Missy.
-Hi.

536
00:23:22,208 --> 00:23:25,375
So, you ready to party in God's basement?

537
00:23:25,458 --> 00:23:28,875
Uh, sure. Just hope
that doesn't mean hell. [chuckles]

538
00:23:28,958 --> 00:23:30,666
Sounds like hell to me.

539
00:23:30,750 --> 00:23:32,625
Welcome to Youth Group, Missy.

540
00:23:32,708 --> 00:23:34,666
Elijah told us you were coming,

541
00:23:34,750 --> 00:23:38,500
but he did not mention
those rocking braces.

542
00:23:38,583 --> 00:23:39,875
-Look at you.
-Oh, thank you.

543
00:23:39,958 --> 00:23:42,958
It's, uh, so cool that you hang out
with a bunch of kids on a Friday night.

544
00:23:43,041 --> 00:23:44,041
Also on Saturdays.

545
00:23:44,125 --> 00:23:47,791
I'm sorry, but how could Elijah
possibly consider this a party?

546
00:23:47,875 --> 00:23:49,625
Now before you all get into that pizza,

547
00:23:49,708 --> 00:23:53,041
let's join hands
and thank the original Papa John.

548
00:23:53,125 --> 00:23:55,333
Hey, I'm really glad you came.

549
00:23:55,416 --> 00:23:58,833
[gasps] Mona,
he's holding my honking hand.

550
00:23:58,916 --> 00:24:03,000
♪ Hallelujah! Hallelujah! ♪

551
00:24:03,083 --> 00:24:05,458
This evening has been saved.

552
00:24:05,541 --> 00:24:08,666
Thank you, Jesus. I believe.

553
00:24:08,750 --> 00:24:10,166
Now, while y'all grab a slice,

554
00:24:10,250 --> 00:24:11,875
I want to say a couple quick words

555
00:24:11,958 --> 00:24:14,750
about why it's absolutely wrong
to masturbate.

556
00:24:14,833 --> 00:24:16,666
Okay, there's always a catch.

557
00:24:16,750 --> 00:24:19,583
You never get pizza for fucking free,
do you?

558
00:24:19,666 --> 00:24:24,708
You're such a bad boy
for stealing my scarf, Andrew.

559
00:24:24,791 --> 00:24:28,541
Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Birch.
Maybe you should punish me.

560
00:24:28,625 --> 00:24:30,500
So, you're really quitting, huh, Flanny?

561
00:24:30,583 --> 00:24:33,875
I'm sorry, Maury,
but the boy makes me sick to my bones.

562
00:24:33,958 --> 00:24:36,666
-Okay, sure, Andrew's a little weirdo...
-Yes.

563
00:24:36,750 --> 00:24:39,333
...but the kid's got a good heart,
and he deserves love.

564
00:24:39,416 --> 00:24:41,375
I mean, just the other day,

565
00:24:41,458 --> 00:24:44,333
he was in the shower
and he did the cutest thing.

566
00:24:44,416 --> 00:24:47,625
He tried to stick a bottle
of Pantene Pro-V up his butt.

567
00:24:47,708 --> 00:24:49,166
[chuckles]

568
00:24:49,250 --> 00:24:50,083
[sighs]

569
00:24:50,166 --> 00:24:54,375
I can only hope that this little one
is half the monster that Andrew is.

570
00:24:54,458 --> 00:24:56,250
Of course.

571
00:24:56,333 --> 00:24:58,916
-How did I not see this before?
-What? See what?

572
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,083
-You love him.
-No.

573
00:25:01,166 --> 00:25:03,458
That's the real love story here.

574
00:25:03,541 --> 00:25:07,000
You genuinely love that little maniac.

575
00:25:07,083 --> 00:25:08,833
I just think there might be something,

576
00:25:08,916 --> 00:25:11,333
you know,
really great with him and Bernie.

577
00:25:11,416 --> 00:25:14,333
And maybe you could stick around,
you know, for me?

578
00:25:14,416 --> 00:25:18,041
Okay, Maury. I'm going to try to see
this little pervert through your eyes.

579
00:25:18,125 --> 00:25:18,958
Yes.

580
00:25:19,041 --> 00:25:20,416
-Hey, Andrew.
-Yeah?

581
00:25:20,500 --> 00:25:25,541
I was thinking maybe you should ask Bernie
what type of deodorant she wears.

582
00:25:25,625 --> 00:25:27,625
I like that idea quite a lot. Go on.

583
00:25:27,708 --> 00:25:32,000
And that way, you can buy some
and rub it all over your body.

584
00:25:32,083 --> 00:25:35,375
Oh, like I'm wearing a suit
made out of Bernie.

585
00:25:35,458 --> 00:25:36,416
Yeah.

586
00:25:36,500 --> 00:25:38,375
Then you can smell her all the time

587
00:25:38,458 --> 00:25:41,583
so that your penis fills with blood.

588
00:25:41,666 --> 00:25:42,958
-How you like it.
-Ah.

589
00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:44,291
Flanny.

590
00:25:44,375 --> 00:25:46,958
Welcome to the fucking team, brother.

591
00:25:47,041 --> 00:25:48,750
-Here's your poncho.
-Poncho?

592
00:25:48,833 --> 00:25:50,083
Oh, did I not mention?

593
00:25:50,166 --> 00:25:54,041
With Andrew, every seat
is in the splash zone, honey.

594
00:25:54,125 --> 00:25:55,625
[moaning] Roll the credits.

595
00:25:56,208 --> 00:25:58,291
-♪ Free the nipple ♪
-♪ Free the nipple ♪

596
00:25:58,375 --> 00:26:00,416
♪ Let it slip, just the tip ♪

597
00:26:00,500 --> 00:26:02,583
-♪ Free the nip ♪
-♪ Right on ♪

598
00:26:02,666 --> 00:26:04,291
-♪ Free the... Uh ♪
-♪ Let it slip ♪

599
00:26:04,791 --> 00:26:06,625
♪ Free the nipple ♪

600
00:26:06,708 --> 00:26:08,041
♪ Shine your pearl ♪

601
00:26:08,125 --> 00:26:08,958
♪ Free the nip ♪

602
00:26:09,041 --> 00:26:11,208
-♪ Release those girls ♪
-♪ Free the nip, let it slip ♪

603
00:26:11,291 --> 00:26:13,250
-♪ Take a sip ♪
-♪ Gotta ♪

604
00:26:13,333 --> 00:26:15,541
♪ Free the nipple ♪

605
00:26:15,625 --> 00:26:16,625
♪ Free the nip ♪

606
00:26:17,791 --> 00:26:19,875
♪ Free the nipple ♪

607
00:26:19,958 --> 00:26:21,166
♪ Free the nip ♪

608
00:26:22,416 --> 00:26:26,125
♪ Take off the uncomfortable stuff ♪

609
00:26:26,708 --> 00:26:30,125
♪ Adam and Eve were ♪

610
00:26:31,041 --> 00:26:35,125
♪ Naked under forbidden fruit tree ♪

611
00:26:35,208 --> 00:26:38,625
♪ You know where the story leads ♪

612
00:26:38,708 --> 00:26:40,625
♪ They lost the keys to paradise ♪

613
00:26:40,708 --> 00:26:42,708
♪ Now our bodies ain't free ♪