1
00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:09,125
[moaning]

2
00:00:09,208 --> 00:00:11,083
Morning, Mayor McDreamy.

3
00:00:11,166 --> 00:00:14,625
Oh my. Did we just sleep together?

4
00:00:14,708 --> 00:00:18,458
Yeah. You, uh, conked out
explaining Regarding Henry to me,

5
00:00:18,541 --> 00:00:19,916
but I kept FaceTime on

6
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:23,458
because the sound of your night farts
were so rhythmic and comforting.

7
00:00:23,541 --> 00:00:24,916
Oh. [farts]

8
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:27,750
Ooh, isn't this domestic bliss lovely,
Maurice?

9
00:00:27,833 --> 00:00:29,333
Disgusting, but lovely.

10
00:00:29,416 --> 00:00:31,250
Yeah, it's fucking charming.

11
00:00:31,333 --> 00:00:34,708
Oof, this kid has his hoof
right on my crap sack.

12
00:00:34,791 --> 00:00:36,500
[grunts]

13
00:00:36,583 --> 00:00:37,416
Yes!

14
00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:39,416
Oh, Bernie.

15
00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:42,583
I wanna spoon-feed you
my herring with cream sauce.

16
00:00:42,666 --> 00:00:43,500
-[laughs]
-Yes, I do.

17
00:00:43,583 --> 00:00:46,833
-Andrew, you're gonna be late for school.
-Morning, Mrs. Glouberman.

18
00:00:46,916 --> 00:00:48,583
Oh, you look stunning today.

19
00:00:48,666 --> 00:00:51,333
Oh, Bernadette, you're a child
and know nothing, but I'll take it.

20
00:00:51,416 --> 00:00:54,875
Where do you think you're going looking
like a painted and powdered jezebel?

21
00:00:54,958 --> 00:00:59,625
I told you. I'm taking over as president
for the temple's Hadassah women's group.

22
00:00:59,708 --> 00:01:00,541
That's today?

23
00:01:00,625 --> 00:01:03,583
Who's gonna watch me watch the Knicks
and complain about all the dribbling?

24
00:01:03,666 --> 00:01:05,000
That's why I gave you a son.

25
00:01:05,083 --> 00:01:08,416
You call that a son?
He's deep-throating his herring right now.

26
00:01:08,500 --> 00:01:10,791
You know, it's incredible
Andrew's even capable of love,

27
00:01:10,875 --> 00:01:14,125
having sprung
from this shouting maniac's angry loins.

28
00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:16,416
There's still love in this house.

29
00:01:16,500 --> 00:01:20,166
And who in God's great ass are you?

30
00:01:20,250 --> 00:01:22,916
I'm Marty's Lovebug. [gasps]

31
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:26,041
I've been slowly dying for years.

32
00:01:26,125 --> 00:01:27,458
[groans]

33
00:01:27,541 --> 00:01:30,041
[gasps] But I'm not dead yet.
Right, Marty?

34
00:01:30,125 --> 00:01:33,375
Oh, shut up, or I swear to God,
I'll take a pillow to your face.

35
00:01:35,750 --> 00:01:41,375
{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪

36
00:01:45,250 --> 00:01:50,916
{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪

37
00:01:51,416 --> 00:01:53,500
{\an8}♪ Oh, in my life ♪

38
00:01:55,083 --> 00:01:57,916
♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪

39
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:05,074
Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports
Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP

40
00:02:07,458 --> 00:02:09,333
-[laughing]
-[Devon grunts]

41
00:02:09,416 --> 00:02:11,333
Come on, Gogurt, quit hiding in the back!

42
00:02:11,416 --> 00:02:13,250
{\an8}Coach Steve, you gotta call this game.

43
00:02:13,333 --> 00:02:16,125
{\an8}-It's been going on for, like, two hours.
-I don't make the rules.

44
00:02:16,208 --> 00:02:20,458
You gotta blame Vince Vaughn
in {\an8}Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story.

45
00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:22,750
Maury, don't take this the wrong way,

46
00:02:22,833 --> 00:02:25,125
but you're the size of a fucking house.

47
00:02:25,208 --> 00:02:26,125
When are you due again?

48
00:02:26,208 --> 00:02:28,583
A couple weeks,
but there's still so much I need to get.

49
00:02:28,666 --> 00:02:32,083
A car seat, breast pump,
dick pump, milking buckets.

50
00:02:32,166 --> 00:02:34,541
Maybe one of your friends
should throw you a baby shower.

51
00:02:34,625 --> 00:02:37,166
-Oh my God, Matt, you'd do that for me?
-[Matt] Mm...

52
00:02:37,250 --> 00:02:40,125
Can we have the shower
at Marie Callender's?

53
00:02:40,208 --> 00:02:43,000
Oh, well, you know,
I don't know your friends.

54
00:02:43,083 --> 00:02:44,666
Uh, also, I don't wanna do it.

55
00:02:44,750 --> 00:02:47,583
-I get it, man. I totally get it.
-Thank you, Maury.

56
00:02:47,666 --> 00:02:48,958
You want someone to help you,

57
00:02:49,041 --> 00:02:51,208
because these things are so much easier

58
00:02:51,291 --> 00:02:54,291
when you're forcibly paired
with someone you barely know.

59
00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:55,833
And I've got the perfect guy.

60
00:02:55,916 --> 00:02:59,291
Hey, man, you better have a credit card
'cause I ate all my money.

61
00:02:59,375 --> 00:03:00,958
What happened to your face and body?

62
00:03:01,041 --> 00:03:03,208
Hard living and good times, brother.

63
00:03:03,291 --> 00:03:05,250
Hey, guys. Real talk for a sec?

64
00:03:05,333 --> 00:03:07,583
As much as it pains me to say this,

65
00:03:07,666 --> 00:03:10,583
I don't think we should invite Connie
to the baby shower.

66
00:03:10,666 --> 00:03:12,250
-Who's Connie?
-Who's Ronnie?

67
00:03:12,333 --> 00:03:15,458
She's the mother, Rick.
You've known her for 30 million years.

68
00:03:15,541 --> 00:03:18,333
And unfortunately, she doesn't want
anything to do with the baby,

69
00:03:18,416 --> 00:03:19,916
so I don't think she should be there.

70
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,666
Oh shit, drama.

71
00:03:21,750 --> 00:03:23,250
Obama!

72
00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:25,500
[scoffs] Look at that fat fuck.

73
00:03:25,583 --> 00:03:30,166
I should have crushed up a Plan B
in his calzone when I had the chance.

74
00:03:30,250 --> 00:03:32,208
-Huh, that's weird.
-No, it's not.

75
00:03:32,291 --> 00:03:35,916
A calzone is the perfect food
to hide an abortion pill in.

76
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:39,458
Oh no, it's...
It's this text from my mom is weird.

77
00:03:39,541 --> 00:03:43,041
She says she's picking me up after school,
and she has a surprise for me.

78
00:03:43,125 --> 00:03:46,541
Maybe she grew two feet taller,
and now she's seven-foot-four.

79
00:03:46,625 --> 00:03:49,750
-That would be a surprise.
-I am here for tall Shannon.

80
00:03:49,833 --> 00:03:51,583
Oh, did Devon try that trick yet?

81
00:03:51,666 --> 00:03:53,750
The one where
you throw one ball up in the air

82
00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:55,875
and then throw another one really hard,
right at him.

83
00:03:55,958 --> 00:03:57,666
Oh, hours ago, sweetheart.

84
00:03:57,750 --> 00:04:00,250
I'm telling you the kid's spine
is made of string cheese.

85
00:04:00,333 --> 00:04:01,166
You can't hit him.

86
00:04:01,250 --> 00:04:04,500
If you guys are super bored, you should do
this test me and my friends are doing.

87
00:04:04,583 --> 00:04:07,166
I don't know. That sounds like school.

88
00:04:07,250 --> 00:04:10,458
[chuckles] Oh no, this one's called
the Rice Purity Test.

89
00:04:10,541 --> 00:04:13,041
It's a list of 100 naughty things,

90
00:04:13,125 --> 00:04:14,750
and you check off
all the ones you've done.

91
00:04:14,833 --> 00:04:18,125
Sounds erotic and time-consuming.
Send it over.

92
00:04:18,208 --> 00:04:20,500
-[phone bloops]
-Um, did I just hear a bloop?

93
00:04:20,583 --> 00:04:22,583
Yeah, sorry. That's my girlfriend, Bernie.

94
00:04:22,666 --> 00:04:24,166
She's... kinda my girlfriend.

95
00:04:24,250 --> 00:04:25,708
You got a girlfriend. We get it.

96
00:04:25,791 --> 00:04:28,416
Yeah. She just sent me
this, like, saucy online quiz.

97
00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:32,791
Oh, bless your heart, sweetie,
but I'm so much more than that.

98
00:04:32,875 --> 00:04:35,250
Holy shit. The Rice Purity Test?

99
00:04:35,333 --> 00:04:37,958
-You've anthropomorphized.
-I sure have.

100
00:04:38,041 --> 00:04:38,875
-Whoa!
-Gasp!

101
00:04:38,958 --> 00:04:40,625
And ain't I the cutest thing?

102
00:04:40,708 --> 00:04:43,166
I mean, for a piece of paper,
yeah, you are fucking hot.

103
00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:45,208
Well, I'm more than just a pretty face.

104
00:04:45,291 --> 00:04:47,750
I'm the ultimate test of what you've done

105
00:04:47,833 --> 00:04:50,583
and what you haven't.

106
00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:53,208
{\an8}♪ Have you ever French-kissed in public? ♪

107
00:04:53,291 --> 00:04:55,708
{\an8}♪ Have you ever played a drinking game? ♪

108
00:04:55,791 --> 00:04:58,750
♪ Been convicted of a crime or done 69? ♪

109
00:04:58,833 --> 00:05:01,166
♪ Have you ever smoked crack cocaine? ♪

110
00:05:01,250 --> 00:05:03,791
-♪ Are you a depraved low-life sinner? ♪
-Am I?

111
00:05:03,875 --> 00:05:06,583
-♪ Or a timid little wide-eyed saint? ♪
-Oh shit.

112
00:05:06,666 --> 00:05:09,375
♪ Are you mortified, hon
By the stuff you've done? ♪

113
00:05:09,458 --> 00:05:11,708
♪ Or ashamed of how much you ain't? ♪

114
00:05:11,791 --> 00:05:13,000
Hey, Nick, send me that thing.

115
00:05:13,083 --> 00:05:14,541
-Yeah, me too.
-Me too.

116
00:05:14,625 --> 00:05:17,416
♪ Have you ever used methamphetamines? ♪

117
00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:19,791
{\an8}♪ Have you kissed below the belt? ♪

118
00:05:19,875 --> 00:05:21,125
♪ Had sex in a pool? ♪

119
00:05:21,208 --> 00:05:22,666
{\an8}♪ Or been kicked out of school? ♪

120
00:05:22,750 --> 00:05:25,208
♪ Had your breasts or butt cheeks felt? ♪

121
00:05:25,291 --> 00:05:27,958
♪ Are you
Mommy's little goody two-shoes? ♪

122
00:05:28,041 --> 00:05:30,666
♪ Or a psycho slut from hell? ♪

123
00:05:30,750 --> 00:05:33,500
♪ 'Cause the lower the score
Well, the bigger the whore ♪

124
00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:36,125
♪ But only the test can tell ♪

125
00:05:36,208 --> 00:05:38,458
♪ Come on, sugarpie
Won't you give it a try? ♪

126
00:05:38,541 --> 00:05:40,666
♪ 'Cause only the test can tell ♪

127
00:05:40,750 --> 00:05:42,375
♪ Yee-haw! ♪

128
00:05:42,458 --> 00:05:44,416
Okay, number four.

129
00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:47,541
"Danced without leaving room for Jesus?"
What does that even mean?

130
00:05:47,625 --> 00:05:50,083
That's when you grind up
against a boy so hard,

131
00:05:50,166 --> 00:05:52,708
you have to pull out your knickers
with a pair of panty pliers.

132
00:05:52,791 --> 00:05:55,458
Oh, like when I made Andrew
cream his jeans?

133
00:05:57,125 --> 00:05:57,958
{\an8}[moaning]

134
00:05:58,041 --> 00:05:59,583
{\an8}Yeah, I've done number four.

135
00:05:59,666 --> 00:06:03,625
Number 19. "Masturbated
while someone else was in the room?"

136
00:06:03,708 --> 00:06:06,083
[chuckles] Like five seasons ago.

137
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,625
Hey, you remember the pilot, Nick?

138
00:06:07,708 --> 00:06:09,625
-Me, I've got the cream.
-Yeah.

139
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:11,333
{\an8}[Andrew grunts]

140
00:06:11,416 --> 00:06:14,583
Ew. How can I remember that?
I was asleep, you perv.

141
00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:17,416
Oh shit, we're finally doing a clip show.

142
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:19,916
Oh, the producers
must be running out of money.

143
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,500
"Masturbated with an inanimate object?"
Ugh!

144
00:06:23,583 --> 00:06:24,583
Who does that?

145
00:06:24,666 --> 00:06:27,375
You did, with a toothbrush.
And Judd's shirt.

146
00:06:27,458 --> 00:06:30,791
{\an8}[moans] A million suns.

147
00:06:30,875 --> 00:06:33,041
See? You love putting stuff down there.

148
00:06:33,125 --> 00:06:35,291
Watch out, stuff. Jessi's coming for you.

149
00:06:35,375 --> 00:06:38,125
Oh, Connie, would you stop?
This is getting kind of embarrassing.

150
00:06:38,208 --> 00:06:41,333
Hey, I don't pick the clips.
Mark Levin does.

151
00:06:41,416 --> 00:06:44,416
And he is a great and powerful man, Jessi.

152
00:06:44,500 --> 00:06:46,875
We do not want to anger him.

153
00:06:46,958 --> 00:06:52,458
Okay, everybody, I'm done.
And I got a 74, which is perfect.

154
00:06:52,541 --> 00:06:56,416
Any lower, you're a slut.
Any higher, you're a prude.

155
00:06:56,500 --> 00:07:00,708
-[grunts] You tell them, babe!
-Well, I got a 71, and I'm not a slut.

156
00:07:00,791 --> 00:07:04,125
Oh my God. Jessi, I also got a 71.

157
00:07:04,208 --> 00:07:06,958
-We're both whores. The whore sisters!
-No, no, no.

158
00:07:07,041 --> 00:07:08,041
Oh God, no.

159
00:07:08,125 --> 00:07:11,541
-Well, I got a 61.
-[all] Ew!

160
00:07:11,625 --> 00:07:14,375
-Gross.
-Oh, don't act so audibly grossed out.

161
00:07:14,458 --> 00:07:16,875
You all know who I am. Roll the supercut!

162
00:07:16,958 --> 00:07:18,041
[moaning]

163
00:07:20,041 --> 00:07:21,750
For fuck's sake! Faster...

164
00:07:21,833 --> 00:07:22,833
-[moans]
-Ew!

165
00:07:22,916 --> 00:07:24,541
[grunts and moans]

166
00:07:24,625 --> 00:07:26,791
Oh no. Holding...
Already out. It's already out.

167
00:07:26,875 --> 00:07:30,750
Jesus. Andrew, how are you
not dehydrated, like, all the time?

168
00:07:30,833 --> 00:07:32,708
Listen. I am not ashamed of who I am.

169
00:07:32,791 --> 00:07:34,958
And more importantly,
neither is my girlfriend.

170
00:07:35,041 --> 00:07:36,708
I have a girlfriend who I talk with.

171
00:07:36,791 --> 00:07:38,416
That's right. You do have a girlfriend.

172
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:42,333
And your girlfriend, Bernie,
adores you and your chubby little chode.

173
00:07:42,416 --> 00:07:43,791
It's not a chode.

174
00:07:43,875 --> 00:07:44,791
Roll the clip!

175
00:07:44,875 --> 00:07:46,958
-No!
-You see? Chode.

176
00:07:47,041 --> 00:07:49,583
Hey, Missy, I got a 98. What did you get?

177
00:07:49,666 --> 00:07:52,625
Mona, I can't tell him my score.
He's gonna think I'm a sinful harlot.

178
00:07:52,708 --> 00:07:53,666
Well, good.

179
00:07:53,750 --> 00:07:56,208
If you're ever gonna get past
just holding hands,

180
00:07:56,291 --> 00:07:58,416
we need to add
a little slut sauce to the stew.

181
00:07:58,500 --> 00:08:02,500
Okay. Um, I must confess I got an 82.

182
00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:05,458
Whoa, Missy. You're like Sade.

183
00:08:05,541 --> 00:08:08,000
Sade, really? [chuckles]

184
00:08:08,083 --> 00:08:10,583
-Who is that again?
-I don't really know.

185
00:08:10,666 --> 00:08:12,916
But my parents have a CD
where she's on the cover

186
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:14,666
looking all confident and lotioned.

187
00:08:14,750 --> 00:08:16,083
Holy fucking hell, Missy.

188
00:08:16,166 --> 00:08:18,708
He actually thinks
you're a smooth operator.

189
00:08:18,791 --> 00:08:20,125
Oh! What do I do?

190
00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:22,583
Seduce and destroy him!

191
00:08:22,666 --> 00:08:28,333
Hey, E, what do you say to you and me
hanging after this thing wraps up?

192
00:08:28,416 --> 00:08:30,875
-Uh, what do you have in mind?
-I don't know.

193
00:08:30,958 --> 00:08:35,958
Maybe we could scratch a few things
off that itchy old list.

194
00:08:36,041 --> 00:08:37,291
-Ow!
-[groans]

195
00:08:37,375 --> 00:08:38,750
My bad, Missy! My bad! My bad!

196
00:08:38,833 --> 00:08:40,291
[Elijah] Oh man. Missy, are you okay?

197
00:08:40,375 --> 00:08:43,208
Uh, depends. You still down to clown?

198
00:08:43,291 --> 00:08:44,333
Uh...

199
00:08:44,416 --> 00:08:45,958
-Sure?
-Yes!

200
00:08:46,041 --> 00:08:47,541
Ow! Fuck you!

201
00:08:47,625 --> 00:08:48,875
[Jay] And done.

202
00:08:48,958 --> 00:08:52,208
Whew! That's the most reading I've done
in my entire life.

203
00:08:52,291 --> 00:08:55,000
I really had to wrestle those letters
to stay in place.

204
00:08:55,083 --> 00:08:57,125
Jay, it sounds like you might be dyslexic.

205
00:08:57,208 --> 00:08:59,083
I don't care because guess what?

206
00:08:59,166 --> 00:09:02,416
I won, bitches. I got a fucking three.

207
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:03,625
What? No.

208
00:09:03,708 --> 00:09:04,916
Bullshit. You're lying.

209
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,166
Yeah, how could you get a three?

210
00:09:07,250 --> 00:09:10,541
-You haven't had sex yet, have you?
-And bestiality is on that list.

211
00:09:10,625 --> 00:09:15,625
Uh, ladies, not only have I had sex,
but I've fucked poultry.

212
00:09:15,708 --> 00:09:17,416
Uh, hit them with the clips, guys.

213
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:18,875
Oh yeah, you want that gravy?

214
00:09:18,958 --> 00:09:20,250
-Oh!
-Mm.

215
00:09:20,333 --> 00:09:23,791
-[screams]
-Oh my God, he's beautiful!

216
00:09:23,875 --> 00:09:25,375
You are so full of shit, Jay.

217
00:09:25,458 --> 00:09:28,166
Oh, please.
You're just jealous, you tiny virgin.

218
00:09:28,250 --> 00:09:29,291
What's your score?

219
00:09:29,375 --> 00:09:31,250
Honestly, Nick, not not curious.

220
00:09:31,333 --> 00:09:33,916
Same, same. Jesse and I are the same now.
Whore sisters.

221
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:38,833
A... A true gentleman never reveals
his score from an online sex quiz.

222
00:09:38,916 --> 00:09:40,458
-[all] Boo!
-Come on.

223
00:09:40,541 --> 00:09:43,708
What did you get
on the Rice Pudding Test, Nick? Raisins?

224
00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:46,041
No, I got a 92.

225
00:09:46,125 --> 00:09:49,958
Aw, you're such a clean little baby.
Let me smell your head.

226
00:09:50,041 --> 00:09:53,083
No! I'm not proud of my score, Rick.
It's embarrassing.

227
00:09:53,166 --> 00:09:56,958
I'm a loser. And I haven't done anything,
you know, sexually speaking.

228
00:09:57,041 --> 00:09:59,583
No, you're a pretty little baby.

229
00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:03,083
You wanna come to the baby shower,
sweet baby?

230
00:10:03,166 --> 00:10:04,583
What? What baby shower?

231
00:10:04,666 --> 00:10:06,250
The one I'm planning for Maury.

232
00:10:06,333 --> 00:10:08,916
But don't tell Ronnie,
'cause she's not invited!

233
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:09,833
What's that now?

234
00:10:09,916 --> 00:10:11,541
Oh yeah, man, you're not invited

235
00:10:11,625 --> 00:10:13,583
because you're a deadbeat bad lady

236
00:10:13,666 --> 00:10:15,791
who doesn't want nothing to do
with the baby, baby.

237
00:10:15,875 --> 00:10:18,083
Now, when did I say that?

238
00:10:18,166 --> 00:10:21,000
-Hey, you. I don't want you!
-[groans]

239
00:10:21,083 --> 00:10:22,500
Well, I stand by it.

240
00:10:22,583 --> 00:10:26,083
Y'all have fun at the shower without me,
huh, if that's even possible.

241
00:10:26,166 --> 00:10:28,750
-Look! Devon's got Gogurt cornered!
-Get him!

242
00:10:28,833 --> 00:10:32,625
Giggle at this,
you yogurt-guzzling son of a bitch.

243
00:10:33,791 --> 00:10:34,791
[all groan]

244
00:10:34,875 --> 00:10:35,708
[whistle blows]

245
00:10:35,791 --> 00:10:37,583
-[Ali] Nasty!
-[Mathew] Gross.

246
00:10:37,666 --> 00:10:39,375
[giggles]

247
00:10:39,458 --> 00:10:40,375
[line ringing]

248
00:10:40,958 --> 00:10:43,375
So, did you take the quiz, my lover?

249
00:10:43,458 --> 00:10:47,541
I did, indeed, my lover.
You're looking at a 61.

250
00:10:47,625 --> 00:10:51,125
Ooh! Dirty birdie. I only got a 64.

251
00:10:51,208 --> 00:10:54,208
But it was really fun
remembering my oeuvre.

252
00:10:54,291 --> 00:10:55,916
Like when I snapped my bean

253
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:59,541
thinking about Paul Hollywood
tapping my soggy bottom with a fork.

254
00:10:59,625 --> 00:11:01,875
{\an8}Ooh, I got a handshake!

255
00:11:01,958 --> 00:11:04,291
Whoa, they're showing her clips too.
How about that?

256
00:11:04,375 --> 00:11:06,833
Wait, wait, wait. Do I wanna see this?

257
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,541
Well, how bad could they be?

258
00:11:08,625 --> 00:11:11,625
[Bernie] Or that time my drama class
got a little too dramatic

259
00:11:11,708 --> 00:11:13,250
{\an8}during a massage circle.

260
00:11:13,333 --> 00:11:15,166
Oh, and the seventh grade formal.

261
00:11:15,250 --> 00:11:16,750
Dancing with Alex Ruiz.

262
00:11:16,833 --> 00:11:19,000
-[moaning]
-[Maury] {\an8}Oh, make it stop. Make it stop!

263
00:11:19,083 --> 00:11:20,541
{\an8}Okay, cut the film. Cut the film!

264
00:11:20,625 --> 00:11:21,625
What? What's wrong?

265
00:11:21,708 --> 00:11:22,833
I'm sorry, Bernie.

266
00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:25,833
I... I don't wanna hear
about your sexual escapades.

267
00:11:25,916 --> 00:11:26,791
It's much too much.

268
00:11:26,875 --> 00:11:29,958
We basically have the same score.
Why are you judging me?

269
00:11:30,041 --> 00:11:32,958
Oh, no judgment.
It's just I prefer to think of you

270
00:11:33,041 --> 00:11:35,833
as a meadow of fresh fallen snow,
and not...

271
00:11:35,916 --> 00:11:37,000
And not what?

272
00:11:37,083 --> 00:11:39,583
-Dirty street slush?
-Oh, good heavens!

273
00:11:39,666 --> 00:11:41,000
You're a fucking asshole!

274
00:11:41,083 --> 00:11:44,083
Oh yeah? Well, you're
a painted and powdered jezebel!

275
00:11:44,166 --> 00:11:45,000
Andrew!

276
00:11:45,083 --> 00:11:48,791
Fuck you, Andrew,
and your male double-standard bullshit.

277
00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:50,583
We handled that pretty well.

278
00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:53,958
I'm not entirely certain we did.
You sounded like your father.

279
00:11:54,041 --> 00:11:56,458
Fucking women. They all suck.

280
00:11:56,541 --> 00:11:57,458
Except for my mommy.

281
00:11:57,541 --> 00:12:00,416
Oh, and Barbara Walters,
America's mommy. She's cool.

282
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:04,208
Man, that was a terrible day of school.

283
00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:08,041
-And you have had some bad ones.
-I know. It really was.

284
00:12:08,125 --> 00:12:11,791
People gossiping,
planning things you're not invited to

285
00:12:11,875 --> 00:12:15,875
just because you "don't want kids"
and are a "bad person."

286
00:12:15,958 --> 00:12:18,208
-Wait, what?
-Guess who? [snorts]

287
00:12:18,291 --> 00:12:20,166
Spoiler alert. It's me, Lola.

288
00:12:20,250 --> 00:12:22,500
What are you doing right now,
fellow whore?

289
00:12:22,583 --> 00:12:26,041
You wanna hang out?
I found a way to get into the sewers.

290
00:12:26,125 --> 00:12:29,166
Oh, jeez. I would love to, Lola,

291
00:12:29,250 --> 00:12:31,000
but my mom is picking me up,

292
00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:33,416
and apparently
she has a surprise or something?

293
00:12:33,500 --> 00:12:35,666
Oh my God, that's so cool you have a mom.

294
00:12:35,750 --> 00:12:37,416
I totally have a mom too.

295
00:12:37,500 --> 00:12:39,291
I'm lesbians with my mom.

296
00:12:39,375 --> 00:12:42,208
My mom's ex-boyfriend died in 9/11.

297
00:12:42,291 --> 00:12:44,625
You see, my mom is having a conjugal visit

298
00:12:44,708 --> 00:12:47,416
with this prisoner that she's pursuing.

299
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:50,875
We really are
devastatingly the same, Jessica.

300
00:12:50,958 --> 00:12:53,541
Oh no. Ugh, it's my mom.

301
00:12:53,625 --> 00:12:55,791
Sorry, Lola, gotta go. We're not the same.

302
00:12:55,875 --> 00:12:57,541
Oh God,
I've never been happier to see you.

303
00:12:57,625 --> 00:12:59,916
Wow, score one for the Shan-dog.

304
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:00,875
Just drive, please.

305
00:13:00,958 --> 00:13:02,583
-We're the same!
-[gasps]

306
00:13:02,666 --> 00:13:05,666
Look, Jessi, I'm T2.

307
00:13:05,750 --> 00:13:07,750
{\an8}-Hey, Jay. Wait... Wait up.
-Hey. What's up?

308
00:13:07,833 --> 00:13:10,708
Um, I was too embarrassed
to say this in front of everyone earlier,

309
00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:12,791
but I got a 92.

310
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:13,833
[laughs]

311
00:13:13,916 --> 00:13:16,083
What a fucking loser.

312
00:13:16,166 --> 00:13:17,583
Hey, Matthew, did you hear that?

313
00:13:17,666 --> 00:13:19,625
-No, no, no, no, no.
-Nick got a 92.

314
00:13:19,708 --> 00:13:23,250
Babe, I'm on the phone with a real twat
at Marie Callender's. Can this wait?

315
00:13:23,333 --> 00:13:26,625
I just feel like I haven't done anything
with my life.

316
00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:28,416
{\an8}[moans]

317
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:30,875
See? Those are my only two clips.

318
00:13:30,958 --> 00:13:33,208
I'm begging you, Jay. You have to help me.

319
00:13:33,291 --> 00:13:35,416
You are the grossest guy I know.

320
00:13:35,500 --> 00:13:37,041
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

321
00:13:37,125 --> 00:13:41,541
This might actually be a way
to get my score down to zero.

322
00:13:41,625 --> 00:13:44,208
Oh God, what are the three things
you have left?

323
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:48,208
{\an8}First, number 88.
We're gonna join the mile-high club.

324
00:13:48,291 --> 00:13:50,500
{\an8}-How are we gonna get on an airplane?
-Oh, we're not.

325
00:13:50,583 --> 00:13:52,916
We're gonna climb
to the top of the old water tower.

326
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,666
Then, number 52.

327
00:13:55,750 --> 00:13:58,583
We're gonna do meth
and/or horse tranquilizers.

328
00:13:58,666 --> 00:14:01,041
-I'll see what my mom has in stock.
-So sad. Keep going.

329
00:14:01,125 --> 00:14:04,083
And finally, number 99.

330
00:14:04,166 --> 00:14:07,208
We're gonna jerk each other off,
which counts as incest

331
00:14:07,291 --> 00:14:10,333
because, Nick,
you're like a brother to me.

332
00:14:10,416 --> 00:14:14,458
A brother I'm gonna jerk off.

333
00:14:14,958 --> 00:14:16,291
-No.
-All right.

334
00:14:16,375 --> 00:14:18,541
Have fun with your two clips.

335
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:19,458
[laughs]

336
00:14:19,541 --> 00:14:21,833
-You two-clip bitch.
-Okay, okay, okay.

337
00:14:21,916 --> 00:14:22,875
Jesus, Jay, I'm in.

338
00:14:22,958 --> 00:14:26,166
Hey, babe. Are you cool
if Nick and I get all tranqued out

339
00:14:26,250 --> 00:14:28,500
and jerk each other off
at the top of the old water tower?

340
00:14:28,583 --> 00:14:29,583
I don't fucking care.

341
00:14:29,666 --> 00:14:31,750
I've got, like, two hours
to throw the perfect party

342
00:14:31,833 --> 00:14:34,291
and my partner
wants to serve ice cream out of diapers.

343
00:14:34,375 --> 00:14:37,458
-Chocolate ice cream. Wink, wink.
-Ugh.

344
00:14:37,541 --> 00:14:39,333
I got the idea from Goop.

345
00:14:39,416 --> 00:14:40,958
[Missy] All right.

346
00:14:41,583 --> 00:14:45,500
Uh, so, what were you thinking
we'd check off the list?

347
00:14:45,583 --> 00:14:49,583
I don't know, my soldier of love.
Maybe number four?

348
00:14:49,666 --> 00:14:52,875
"Dancing without leaving room for... Jesus?"

349
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:55,791
That is the sweetest taboo.

350
00:14:55,875 --> 00:14:57,583
-♪ Ordinary love ♪
-Um...

351
00:14:57,666 --> 00:14:58,916
You cool with this, Jesus?

352
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,750
Elijah, my man. What's up?
Talk to me, baby. It's me.

353
00:15:01,833 --> 00:15:04,041
Is it okay to dance
without leaving room for you?

354
00:15:04,125 --> 00:15:05,500
-Well, do you like this girl?
-Yeah.

355
00:15:05,583 --> 00:15:07,666
-Do you respect her, though?
-Very much, sir.

356
00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:08,833
Then go for it.

357
00:15:08,916 --> 00:15:10,291
I ain't even make that rule up.

358
00:15:10,375 --> 00:15:12,375
White people made that up
'cause they couldn't dance.

359
00:15:12,458 --> 00:15:13,666
They wanted everybody to suffer.

360
00:15:13,750 --> 00:15:17,166
Okay. Yeah, let's dance
without leaving room for my Savior.

361
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,916
Oh my God, this is actually happening.

362
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,541
I feel so squirmy.

363
00:15:20,625 --> 00:15:22,833
I'm sterilizing
the panty pliers right now.

364
00:15:22,916 --> 00:15:25,958
Oh no, this feels kind of weird.
Are you sure you don't wanna cut in?

365
00:15:26,041 --> 00:15:29,083
Mm-mm. Nah, I'm good.
I'm Jesus. You do your thing.

366
00:15:29,166 --> 00:15:33,083
Now, Missy.
Back that ass up and unload the heinie.

367
00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:34,708
-Beep, beep, beep!
-Yeah.

368
00:15:34,791 --> 00:15:35,833
Rump delivery.

369
00:15:35,916 --> 00:15:37,500
-Here it comes.
-Nope. [hyperventilating]

370
00:15:37,583 --> 00:15:40,291
I'm sorry, Missy.
I can't... I can't do this.

371
00:15:40,375 --> 00:15:42,041
Oh God. I'm so sorry.

372
00:15:42,125 --> 00:15:45,500
I thought it was consensual rump delivery.
I should've had you sign for it first.

373
00:15:45,583 --> 00:15:48,416
Elijah, it's okay. I got you.

374
00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:51,416
Tell Jesus what happened,
and we're gonna get through this. Okay?

375
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:52,333
I don't know, man.

376
00:15:52,416 --> 00:15:55,250
My face feels hot,
and my hands are shaking. I can't do it.

377
00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:56,166
[sighs]

378
00:15:56,250 --> 00:15:59,125
Mona, I think
you can put away your panty pliers now.

379
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,333
Ugh. Jesus, I beg of you.

380
00:16:01,416 --> 00:16:04,416
Can you turn my panty pliers
into a vodka martini?

381
00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:06,666
-[angelic chord plays]
-Bless you, darling.

382
00:16:08,250 --> 00:16:09,916
I told your mother if she wasn't done

383
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,541
with her Hadassah mishegas by five,
I was coming to get her.

384
00:16:12,625 --> 00:16:14,541
And it is 4:58, brother.

385
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:15,708
Who does she think she is

386
00:16:15,791 --> 00:16:19,041
cavorting with Rabbi Paulblart
at his harem of yentas?

387
00:16:19,125 --> 00:16:21,166
These women, they're running wild.

388
00:16:21,250 --> 00:16:23,458
They think
they can just put a baby in your butt

389
00:16:23,541 --> 00:16:26,333
and then leave you
to raise it all by yourself.

390
00:16:26,416 --> 00:16:28,750
All I want is for her to have nothing.

391
00:16:28,833 --> 00:16:32,000
And all I want
is a pristine maiden without a past.

392
00:16:32,083 --> 00:16:35,041
And all I want
is a partner to catch this baby

393
00:16:35,125 --> 00:16:38,625
when it comes rocketing out of my ass
at 90 miles per hour.

394
00:16:38,708 --> 00:16:42,750
We should all just... [gasps] ...give up.

395
00:16:42,833 --> 00:16:45,125
No! Don't you dare die on me!

396
00:16:45,208 --> 00:16:46,333
Don't you give up!

397
00:16:47,375 --> 00:16:48,208
Whoa, shit!

398
00:16:48,291 --> 00:16:49,166
Go get your mother.

399
00:16:49,250 --> 00:16:52,125
I'm gonna stay here
and take up three parking spaces.

400
00:16:52,208 --> 00:16:53,083
[gasps]

401
00:16:53,166 --> 00:16:56,000
Working for you is a nightmare.

402
00:16:56,083 --> 00:16:58,666
Oh, quit being so dramatic.

403
00:16:59,666 --> 00:17:01,916
Ta-da! What do you think?

404
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:03,500
It's very nice.

405
00:17:03,583 --> 00:17:05,458
But, um, what am I looking at?

406
00:17:05,541 --> 00:17:09,291
Well, I wanted to be here
the next time you had a yeast infection.

407
00:17:09,375 --> 00:17:12,333
-[groans]
-So I'm moving back to Bridgeton.

408
00:17:12,416 --> 00:17:14,291
This is our new condo.

409
00:17:14,375 --> 00:17:15,541
Oh, Jess.

410
00:17:15,625 --> 00:17:17,958
-Connie, is this actually a good thing?
-Ooh.

411
00:17:18,041 --> 00:17:20,375
I was finally starting
to like living with Caitlin.

412
00:17:20,458 --> 00:17:21,791
Well, you can't say no.

413
00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:24,250
Your mama bought a condo
'cause of your stank pussy.

414
00:17:24,333 --> 00:17:28,041
Jessi, you never told me
you had a yeast infection.

415
00:17:28,125 --> 00:17:30,208
We really are very much twinsies.

416
00:17:30,291 --> 00:17:33,416
Oh, for fuck's sake, Lola lives here.

417
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:36,375
That's why this place looks so familiar.

418
00:17:36,458 --> 00:17:38,916
Aw, that's sweet.
You already have a little friend.

419
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,125
Actually, bitch, we're whore sisters.

420
00:17:41,208 --> 00:17:43,416
Okay. Well, don't love that.

421
00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:45,500
[sighs] Shit. I guess you're right, Lola.

422
00:17:45,583 --> 00:17:48,416
We got the same score.
We live in the same building.

423
00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:50,000
We are basically the same.

424
00:17:50,083 --> 00:17:52,916
Well, truth be told,
we're not exactly the same.

425
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:57,000
When I got my yeast infection,
my mom didn't come running home.

426
00:17:57,083 --> 00:17:59,375
She just sent me a cameo from Steve-O.

427
00:17:59,458 --> 00:18:00,458
{\an8}Hey, Lola.

428
00:18:00,541 --> 00:18:02,333
I heard you got a yeast infection.

429
00:18:02,416 --> 00:18:03,333
Gnarly.

430
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:08,541
But don't worry because I'm gonna staple
my nutsack to my leg in solidarity.

431
00:18:08,625 --> 00:18:09,500
Yeah.

432
00:18:09,583 --> 00:18:10,625
[grunts]

433
00:18:10,708 --> 00:18:11,541
[screams]

434
00:18:11,625 --> 00:18:12,916
Oh, fuck.

435
00:18:13,458 --> 00:18:15,166
Yeah, dude!

436
00:18:15,250 --> 00:18:16,083
Whoo!

437
00:18:16,166 --> 00:18:18,166
Barbara! Let's go. We're leaving.

438
00:18:18,250 --> 00:18:21,375
-Andrew?
-So this is the famous Andrew.

439
00:18:21,458 --> 00:18:22,625
We know all about you.

440
00:18:22,708 --> 00:18:25,333
And all the tsuris
you put your mother through.

441
00:18:25,416 --> 00:18:26,708
Ladies, I'm in no mood.

442
00:18:26,791 --> 00:18:28,875
The day I have had, you cannot imagine.

443
00:18:28,958 --> 00:18:29,958
-Well, come.
-Sit.

444
00:18:30,041 --> 00:18:32,583
-Kvetch.
-As is the way of the Hadassah.

445
00:18:32,666 --> 00:18:34,166
[women] As is the way.

446
00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:36,583
Careful, boyo, this feels like voodoo.

447
00:18:36,666 --> 00:18:38,416
Okay, I'll sit.

448
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:40,916
So, my long-distance girlfriend...

449
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,208
-Mazel.
-Is she Jewish?

450
00:18:42,291 --> 00:18:44,875
-Very.
-Sweet girl. Knows nothing, but sweet.

451
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:46,791
Yeah, well, that sweet girl betrayed me.

452
00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:48,291
-That's terrible.
-What did she do?

453
00:18:48,375 --> 00:18:49,875
-Did she cheat on you?
-Worse.

454
00:18:49,958 --> 00:18:54,083
She told me about the nasty things
she did with other boys in the past.

455
00:18:54,166 --> 00:18:55,541
-So?
-So?

456
00:18:55,625 --> 00:18:59,125
So, she should've only done
those nasty things with me.

457
00:18:59,208 --> 00:19:00,833
Excuse me?!

458
00:19:01,333 --> 00:19:02,166
Oh no.

459
00:19:02,250 --> 00:19:04,583
I did not raise you
to think of women like that.

460
00:19:04,666 --> 00:19:07,791
-Your mother speaks the truth.
-Girlfriends are not property.

461
00:19:07,875 --> 00:19:11,000
-She had a life before you.
-Her own sensual past.

462
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:12,708
Just like your mother.

463
00:19:12,791 --> 00:19:14,708
Bah, bah, bah. My mother is not a woman.

464
00:19:14,791 --> 00:19:17,250
Like hell I'm not. Roll the clips.

465
00:19:17,333 --> 00:19:19,583
I want to hold you close, Barbara.

466
00:19:19,666 --> 00:19:22,333
Marty, your dumplings are so big.

467
00:19:22,416 --> 00:19:24,083
[Andrew] Stop! Stop montage!

468
00:19:24,166 --> 00:19:26,458
Oh, your hands smell like garlic powder.

469
00:19:26,541 --> 00:19:29,958
No, turn it... Turn it off.
I get it. I get it.

470
00:19:30,041 --> 00:19:33,791
My mother is a person,
just like my girlfriend.

471
00:19:33,875 --> 00:19:36,791
Oh, I'm so sorry, Mama.

472
00:19:36,875 --> 00:19:38,875
-[whimpering]
-There, there, you little putz.

473
00:19:38,958 --> 00:19:40,541
-[door opens]
-Barbara, let's go.

474
00:19:40,625 --> 00:19:42,791
It's 5:08. Enough with other people.

475
00:19:42,875 --> 00:19:43,958
You know what, Marty?

476
00:19:44,041 --> 00:19:46,166
No. My meeting's not done.

477
00:19:46,250 --> 00:19:47,958
-You heard her.
-You schlemiel!

478
00:19:48,041 --> 00:19:50,125
-Schmendrick!
-Here she stays.

479
00:19:50,208 --> 00:19:52,791
She's one of us now! [hisses]

480
00:19:52,875 --> 00:19:56,875
That last one has a snake for a head.
Is no one seeing this?

481
00:19:56,958 --> 00:19:59,708
-Marty, go wait in the car.
-But... but, Barbara, what am I gonna...

482
00:19:59,791 --> 00:20:02,458
-She has spoken!
-[thunder rumbles]

483
00:20:02,541 --> 00:20:05,500
You should've... [gasps] ...stayed in the car.

484
00:20:05,583 --> 00:20:07,125
Oh, just die already!

485
00:20:07,208 --> 00:20:08,833
Oh, please let me.

486
00:20:09,916 --> 00:20:12,125
Look, Missy, I like you. I do.

487
00:20:12,208 --> 00:20:14,958
But you're an 82, and I'm a 98.

488
00:20:15,041 --> 00:20:17,833
-This is never gonna work.
-Is this all because of that dumb test?

489
00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:21,125
No. Yes, but not just the test.

490
00:20:21,208 --> 00:20:22,375
Then what?

491
00:20:22,458 --> 00:20:23,791
Is it God?

492
00:20:23,875 --> 00:20:25,791
Look. Look.
Put the blame on me, all right?

493
00:20:25,875 --> 00:20:27,375
-I want all the smoke.
-Seriously?

494
00:20:27,458 --> 00:20:30,291
Yeah, people do crazy shit all the time
'cause they like me.

495
00:20:30,375 --> 00:20:32,833
Man, my fans are crazy as hell.
I'm used to it.

496
00:20:32,916 --> 00:20:34,541
Thanks, Jesus, but no.

497
00:20:35,041 --> 00:20:37,208
It's not God, Missy. It's me.

498
00:20:37,291 --> 00:20:39,416
I just... I don't think I'm ready.

499
00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:41,875
Well, you heard the boy. He's not ready.

500
00:20:41,958 --> 00:20:43,000
Let's go to the docks.

501
00:20:43,083 --> 00:20:45,750
I told you, there's no boys my age
at the docks.

502
00:20:46,333 --> 00:20:50,041
Look, Elijah, I like you too. So much.

503
00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:52,916
And if you need to go slow, I can go slow.

504
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,041
-For real?
-Totally.

505
00:20:54,125 --> 00:20:57,458
Missy, what are you doing?
We don't want to go slow.

506
00:20:57,541 --> 00:21:00,583
[imitates slow motion]
Is that cool, Elijah?

507
00:21:00,666 --> 00:21:05,916
-That sounds dope, Missy.
-[laughs]

508
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,416
-Fucking dorks.
-Forgive them, Mona.

509
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:10,625
For they develop at their own pace.

510
00:21:10,708 --> 00:21:12,875
But I agree. They some fucking dorks.

511
00:21:12,958 --> 00:21:16,375
[groans] Can you please turn
my martini into a vibrator?

512
00:21:16,458 --> 00:21:17,458
[angelic chord plays]

513
00:21:17,541 --> 00:21:18,541
[grunting]

514
00:21:18,625 --> 00:21:20,583
[panting] That's quite a climb.

515
00:21:20,666 --> 00:21:24,000
Yeah. Let's just get this over with.
Where are the horse tranquilizers?

516
00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:26,750
Okay, all I could find
was Luda's worm medication. Here you go.

517
00:21:26,833 --> 00:21:28,916
All right, just give me the worm pill.
[gulps]

518
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:30,416
Oh, it's... It's soft.

519
00:21:30,500 --> 00:21:32,666
-Oh yeah, it's a suppository.
-What?

520
00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:36,125
It's supposed to melt
into your delicate anal tissue.

521
00:21:36,208 --> 00:21:37,958
Luda was halfway done with that one.

522
00:21:38,041 --> 00:21:39,666
Let's just jerk each other off.

523
00:21:39,750 --> 00:21:44,208
Okay, get ready
for some mile-high incest, brother.

524
00:21:44,291 --> 00:21:45,500
Oh my God, Rick.

525
00:21:45,583 --> 00:21:47,291
Am I actually doing this?

526
00:21:47,375 --> 00:21:50,125
Did you fuck your brother yet?

527
00:21:50,208 --> 00:21:51,791
Here we go.

528
00:21:51,875 --> 00:21:52,708
This is it.

529
00:21:56,458 --> 00:21:58,250
-I love you, Nick.
-Wait, what? What?

530
00:21:58,333 --> 00:22:00,166
Oh no, not like that.

531
00:22:00,250 --> 00:22:03,083
Like our parents are the same people.
Now touch my penis.

532
00:22:03,166 --> 00:22:04,875
No. No. I'm sorry, Jay.

533
00:22:04,958 --> 00:22:06,291
I... I... I... I can't do this.

534
00:22:06,375 --> 00:22:08,041
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on?

535
00:22:08,125 --> 00:22:10,291
Is it because I brought up
our mommy and daddy?

536
00:22:10,375 --> 00:22:13,750
It didn't help. But, honestly, if this is
what I have to do to get more clips,

537
00:22:14,250 --> 00:22:16,000
I think I'm fine being a 92.

538
00:22:16,083 --> 00:22:18,000
Hey, buddy, let's make a deal.

539
00:22:18,083 --> 00:22:21,541
If we're still incest virgins
by the time we're 40,

540
00:22:21,625 --> 00:22:25,125
then let's meet back up here
and jerk each other off.

541
00:22:25,208 --> 00:22:27,333
Jay, if I still know you when I'm 40,

542
00:22:27,416 --> 00:22:30,041
something has gone incredibly wrong.

543
00:22:30,125 --> 00:22:32,583
Damn, Jessi, you got your own room.

544
00:22:32,666 --> 00:22:34,916
You don't have to share
with a bike no more.

545
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:39,083
You even have a balcony,
in case you want to rub one out alfresco.

546
00:22:39,166 --> 00:22:40,000
Yeah.

547
00:22:40,083 --> 00:22:41,375
Oh, what's wrong, baby?

548
00:22:41,458 --> 00:22:43,875
You don't wanna jerk off
while staring at that CVS?

549
00:22:43,958 --> 00:22:46,208
Look at Lola. She's all alone.

550
00:22:46,291 --> 00:22:49,875
Yeah, she's playing
with a universal remote like it's a doll.

551
00:22:49,958 --> 00:22:52,166
I guess I never realized how lucky I am

552
00:22:52,250 --> 00:22:54,541
to have a mom
who's, like, obsessed with me.

553
00:22:54,625 --> 00:22:57,875
And we're so fucking mean to Shannon.

554
00:22:57,958 --> 00:22:59,666
Get the hell out, Shannon!

555
00:22:59,750 --> 00:23:01,166
-You short-necked bitch!
-[gasps]

556
00:23:01,250 --> 00:23:03,833
Do you like that color, Shannon?
Yogurt-on-the-wall color?

557
00:23:03,916 --> 00:23:06,500
And Lola has nobody to be mean to.

558
00:23:06,583 --> 00:23:09,083
Ooh, now she's practicing her golf swing.

559
00:23:09,166 --> 00:23:10,625
Hey, Lola?

560
00:23:10,708 --> 00:23:15,333
Yeah, whore sister?
I mean, yes, Jessi from school?

561
00:23:15,416 --> 00:23:18,208
No, it's okay. I... I am your whore sister.

562
00:23:18,291 --> 00:23:19,708
-Really?
-Yeah.

563
00:23:19,791 --> 00:23:20,750
-Aw.
-Hey, do you wanna...

564
00:23:20,833 --> 00:23:24,583
Grab my flashlight and my galoshes
and absolutely hit the sewers?

565
00:23:24,666 --> 00:23:28,458
Uh, no, I was gonna just say,
"Help me unpack."

566
00:23:28,541 --> 00:23:29,791
Lola, where'd you go?

567
00:23:29,875 --> 00:23:30,833
-Hey, Jess.
-Oh my God.

568
00:23:30,916 --> 00:23:33,791
Does this sweater spark joy,
or can, like, I have it?

569
00:23:33,875 --> 00:23:35,833
Um, you know what? You can just take it.

570
00:23:35,916 --> 00:23:39,833
This is so beautiful.

571
00:23:39,916 --> 00:23:41,166
What is up with you today?

572
00:23:41,250 --> 00:23:46,041
I guess I'm just realizing that maybe
having a mom isn't totally pointless

573
00:23:46,125 --> 00:23:48,333
and that maybe I need to grow up

574
00:23:48,416 --> 00:23:53,541
and recognize I made a little miracle
in my best friend's butt.

575
00:23:53,625 --> 00:23:57,541
-Yeah, I'm not following any of this.
-Oh, you sweet little short-necked bitch.

576
00:23:57,625 --> 00:23:59,125
-I gotta go.
-Wait! Where are you going?

577
00:23:59,208 --> 00:24:04,333
To get my baby back, baby back,
baby back ribs at Chili's

578
00:24:04,416 --> 00:24:07,625
and bring them to Maury's baby shower.
Hyah!

579
00:24:08,708 --> 00:24:10,750
-[line ringing]
-I don't want to talk to you, Andrew.

580
00:24:10,833 --> 00:24:12,500
No, Bernie, please, don't hang up.

581
00:24:12,583 --> 00:24:14,958
Listen, I... I spoke
with some older Jewish women.

582
00:24:15,041 --> 00:24:16,625
Okay. What does that have to do with me?

583
00:24:16,708 --> 00:24:19,458
Because they made me realize
that you're your own person

584
00:24:19,541 --> 00:24:21,916
with your own past and your own clips.

585
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,166
And it was wrong of me
to judge you for that.

586
00:24:24,250 --> 00:24:27,625
-You're goddamn right!
-I'm sorry. I was a real schmendrick.

587
00:24:27,708 --> 00:24:30,000
Well, don't let it happen again.

588
00:24:30,083 --> 00:24:33,833
Oh, thank Jesus and his iconic
leather sandals. She forgives you.

589
00:24:33,916 --> 00:24:38,791
So, do you have any interest
in seeing a supercut of me cumming?

590
00:24:38,875 --> 00:24:41,583
Bernie, my dear, roll that cum clip.

591
00:24:41,666 --> 00:24:43,916
-[moaning]
-♪ I'm cumming, I'm cumming ♪

592
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,250
♪ I'm cumming, I'm cumming ♪

593
00:24:46,333 --> 00:24:48,791
-♪ I am almost there ♪
-Paul Hollywood again!

594
00:24:49,458 --> 00:24:51,125
Congrats, brother!

595
00:24:51,208 --> 00:24:54,458
I gotta hand it to us, Matt.
We really pulled it off.

596
00:24:54,541 --> 00:24:56,000
Excuse me? We?

597
00:24:56,083 --> 00:24:58,333
What did you do
except shit in a bunch of diapers?

598
00:24:58,416 --> 00:25:00,958
Did I? Wink, wink. I did.

599
00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:03,083
"Daddy's Little Fuck Monster."

600
00:25:03,166 --> 00:25:05,583
-Thanks, Joe Walsh.
-You're welcome, man.

601
00:25:05,666 --> 00:25:08,500
I guess it really is just Daddy's,
huh, guys?

602
00:25:08,583 --> 00:25:09,833
Are you okay, Maury?

603
00:25:09,916 --> 00:25:11,166
I don't know, Rick.

604
00:25:11,250 --> 00:25:14,208
I guess it's just not much of a party
without, you know...

605
00:25:14,291 --> 00:25:16,250
Without the biological mother?

606
00:25:16,333 --> 00:25:18,208
-[gasps] Connie?
-Look, honey.

607
00:25:18,291 --> 00:25:20,708
It would have been
totally within my rights

608
00:25:20,791 --> 00:25:22,958
to abandon or abort this kid

609
00:25:23,041 --> 00:25:25,416
or make it think
I'm its aunt or something.

610
00:25:25,500 --> 00:25:27,666
But that's not what I want now.

611
00:25:27,750 --> 00:25:29,333
So then, what do you want, Connie?

612
00:25:29,416 --> 00:25:31,458
We're all dying to know, man.

613
00:25:31,541 --> 00:25:35,958
Maurice Beverly, I wanna go halfsies
on that baby in your guts.

614
00:25:36,041 --> 00:25:38,666
Will you have me as your baby mama?

615
00:25:38,750 --> 00:25:42,875
-Yes. On Marie Callender's grave, yes!
-[cheering]

616
00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:45,958
Oh, you've made me so happy, Connie!

617
00:25:46,041 --> 00:25:47,166
-[splashing]
-Oh!

618
00:25:47,250 --> 00:25:48,125
Oh no.

619
00:25:48,208 --> 00:25:49,375
Ooh. Mm.

620
00:25:49,458 --> 00:25:51,666
What's the matter, father of my child?

621
00:25:51,750 --> 00:25:53,666
Oh, I hope you're ready
to meet our butt baby

622
00:25:53,750 --> 00:25:56,416
because my ass water just broke.

623
00:25:56,500 --> 00:26:00,125
Quick, we need to get him
to an animal hospital, or an Ikea.

624
00:26:00,208 --> 00:26:01,750
No. No, no, there's no time.

625
00:26:01,833 --> 00:26:04,000
This baby shower just turned into...

626
00:26:04,083 --> 00:26:06,208
[grunting]

627
00:26:06,291 --> 00:26:08,166
...a birthday party!

628
00:26:12,166 --> 00:26:13,750
[slow motion] Oh!

629
00:26:13,833 --> 00:26:14,666
[grunts]

630
00:26:15,708 --> 00:26:16,583
Oh my God!

631
00:26:16,666 --> 00:26:18,166
Connie, are you okay?

632
00:26:18,250 --> 00:26:21,666
It's... It's already humping my arm, Maury.

633
00:26:21,750 --> 00:26:24,250
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

634
00:26:24,333 --> 00:26:26,583
Aw. Well, what is it? A boy or a girl?

635
00:26:26,666 --> 00:26:29,875
Don't impose your fascist
cis-human-gender norms

636
00:26:29,958 --> 00:26:31,916
on this perfect little sex monster.

637
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,750
They will be called... Montel.

638
00:26:36,750 --> 00:26:39,125
Sorry I wrecked your asshole, Daddy.

639
00:26:39,208 --> 00:26:41,208
Ain't I a stinker?

640
00:26:41,291 --> 00:26:44,208
♪ From the first time the doctor
Placed you in my arms ♪

641
00:26:44,291 --> 00:26:46,458
♪ I knew I'd meet death
Before I'd let you meet harm ♪

642
00:26:46,541 --> 00:26:48,416
♪ Although questions arose in my mind ♪

643
00:26:48,500 --> 00:26:49,916
♪ Would I be man enough? ♪

644
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:51,041
[music stops]

645
00:26:52,208 --> 00:26:55,083
-Hey, man, how've you been?
-Let's just get this over with, okay?

646
00:26:55,166 --> 00:26:56,625
[chuckles] Yeah, sure thing.

647
00:26:56,708 --> 00:26:58,708
Yeah, give me the horse tranquilizer.

648
00:26:59,500 --> 00:27:00,958
Ta-da!

649
00:27:01,041 --> 00:27:03,458
♪ Just the two of us ♪

650
00:27:04,166 --> 00:27:06,583
-♪ We can make it if we try ♪
-♪ Uh ♪

651
00:27:06,666 --> 00:27:09,166
-♪ Just the two of us ♪
-♪ Just me and you, just me and you ♪

652
00:27:09,250 --> 00:27:10,791
♪ Just the two of us ♪

653
00:27:10,875 --> 00:27:12,291
-♪ Ha, ha ♪
-♪ Just ♪

654
00:27:12,375 --> 00:27:13,958
♪ Five years old, bringing comedy ♪

655
00:27:14,041 --> 00:27:17,125
♪ Every time I look as you
I think, "Man, a little me" ♪

656
00:27:17,208 --> 00:27:19,541
♪ Just like me, wait and see
Going to be tall ♪

657
00:27:19,625 --> 00:27:22,458
♪ Makes me laugh
'Cause you got your dad's ears and all ♪

658
00:27:22,541 --> 00:27:24,958
♪ Sometimes I wonder what you gonna be ♪

659
00:27:25,041 --> 00:27:27,500
♪ A general, a doctor, maybe a MC ♪

660
00:27:27,583 --> 00:27:29,625
♪ I wanna kiss you all the time ♪

661
00:27:29,708 --> 00:27:32,250
♪ But I will test that butt
When you cut out of line ♪

662
00:27:32,333 --> 00:27:34,333
♪ True that
Uh, uh, uh, why you do that? ♪

663
00:27:34,416 --> 00:27:37,333
♪ I try to be a tough dad
But you be making me laugh ♪

664
00:27:37,416 --> 00:27:39,541
♪ Crazy joy when I see the eyes... ♪

664
00:27:40,305 --> 00:28:40,313
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