[gulping]
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drink up, my sweet angel.
Uh, wow, kid really likes your breast milk.
Milk? No, Andrew.
Hormone monster breasts produce Mountain Dew.
Code Red on the left, classic green on the right.
Yeah, but the green Dew gives me hard poo-poo.
[laughs] Yeah, Montel won't touch my right teat,
which, as you can see, is painfully engorged.
[Andrew] Oh, yeah.
Sorry, Mama Maury.
And sorry about turning lefty here into nipple tartare.
Oh, that's okay, Montel.
Suckle to your heart's content.
[groans]
So, I don't know how this works.
Is it bad form to, uh, milk myself when there's a baby present?
-Don't be silly, Andrew. -Oh, just pretend I'm not here.
All right, if you insist.
Wait. Put down your penis. The love of your life is calling.
Oh, it's Bernie.
Hola, Papi.
Hey, dollface, guess what? I'm coming to see you.
-What? -In person?
For horny time?
Yeah, Friday. We're taking my brother to visit Rutgers,
and my parents said they'd drop me off for dinner.
Would that be okay?
I mean, I don't know why he'd visit a safety school, but of course.
Maybe we could even... [chuckles] ...finish what we started in Vermont?
Maury, she's talking about when we nearly boob-touched.
That was the most important day of my life,
until this little angel shot out of my bunghole.
Aw, it was a big day for me too.
Bernie, I would love nothing more.
It's a plan, my clammy-hands man.
Okay, I gotta jump, but I will see you for our intra-boobular exchange. Muah.
Oh my God, did you hear that?
Andrew's finally gonna touch a boob.
Oh, dreams do come true in America, boys.
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
♪ Oh, in my life ♪
♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪
I'm telling you, Mom, you're gonna love Bernie.
She's like a young George Burns.
Well, I can't wait to finally meet her.
You can't wait to meet who?
Andrew's friend from Vermont is joining us for Shabbat dinner tonight.
Shabbat? No, thank you.
Marty, I've told you a million times. Rabbi Paulblart is coming.
That putz in my home? What, did we lose a raffle?
You really don't listen to a word I say.
If what you had to say was so important, you'd be on my TV!
Andrew, are they going to scream at each other like this while Bernie's here?
Oh, without a doubt. Why do you ask?
Marty, I want you on your best behavior tonight.
The rabbi has a very demanding schedule. We're lucky to get him.
Who's this guy think he is, huh?
Debra Messing, Queen of the Jews?
[bell rings]
Check it out. My secret grandpa was, like, famous.
Nipple twisting champion?
-Born in Inverness. -I'm assuming that's Scotland?
Married to Rose MacGregor until...
Oh, your grandma's dead, Nick. My condolences.
Uh, whatever. I mean, she didn't do sports or anything.
But Seamus, he's a fucking badass.
And I found out he still lives in Staten Island.
You wanna come with me to meet him?
Oh, I'd love to, Nick, but actually, I'd hate to... [chuckles]
...because tonight, I'll be busy palpating my girlfriend's breasts.
That rocks. Have fun.
Yeah, just a typical Fri for the Glouber guy. [chuckles]
I've never done this before.
-The one-month anniversary's a tricky one. -Mm-hmm.
It's too soon for a huge gift,
but I still want Jay to know I'm into him.
I feel like a playlist could be cool?
-Oh, that feeling is wrong. -Oh.
Happy anniversary, babe. [gasps]
Oh my God! Did you get me a gay present?
Uh, just a regular present.
So, what? Do I just rip the skin off of this box?
-It's actually called wrapping paper. -[grunts]
Oh, okay. Oh, be careful.
Oh.
-A fancy pen for Jay. -Uh, open your fucking eyes, Jessi.
-It's a robot dick, obviously. -No.
I'm gonna suck it until the blue juice comes out.
Okay. No, no, no. No, no, no. It's a pen.
-A very expensive pen. -Oh.
I'm sorry. I knew I should've come shopping with you.
I've just been so overwhelmed with breastfeeding.
-Of course. -Montel.
Please take Daddy's Code Red boob. It's the one you like.
But that nipple's all scabby now.
Well, yeah, because you chewed it up.
Guys, please shush.
Matthew, let's get this man-niversary back on track.
Tonight, my house will be empty, my nuts will be full,
and I'm gonna cook you a romantic dinner.
That actually sounds kind of nice.
It's gonna be so beautiful, you're gonna squirt blue juice everywhere.
Hey, Jessi, guess what? I got you a robot dick too.
You mean a fancy pen.
Oh no, this is 100% a dildo. I have a dildo at school now.
Oh shit. Is that my little Monte Cristo?
Connie Mommy. Oh, do our game.
Bounce a baby, bounce a baby, bounce a baby.
Fuck, yeah.
Mother with a mustache.
Oh, that's fucking smart. Never change.
Jesus, Maury, what's wrong with you?
Oh, I'm just so exhausted.
I'm not sleeping.
And Montel won't suckle on my tig old bitties.
-No, no. -Please, Montel, just a sip.
I fucking hate you and your shit face.
Okay. You seem to have everything handled.
I don't. I clearly don't.
-Bye. -Connie.
I'm gonna punch you while you're dying.
[cries]
I can't believe you scored an interview with Fran Lebowitz for your school report.
Yep, it's pretty unbelievable, but absolutely, completely true.
Be careful, my sweet little baby bird.
Tweet-tweet. That's daddy bird for "you're my world."
Ugh, I bet my grandpa wouldn't coddle me like that.
I mean, maybe I'm crazy to try and find him, but... Ah!
Nick, listen to me.
You are not crazy.
If I were a human mister man like you,
I would make the exact same choice as you.
Okay.
Glad that makes you feel better, my baby.
It does not. It... It actually rattles me.
-All right, choo-choo time. Choo-choo. -[train horn blows]
Mm. Jay, it's perfectly balanced.
Like an ice cube sitting on top of your hard dick.
Thanks, guys. I just really wanna show Matthew
that I can be classy and sophisticated too.
Well, I, for one, can't wait to meet this Matthew stud.
The four of us can build such a steamy fuck fort together.
Oh, I really don't think he's a fuck fort kinda guy.
He's, like, super fancy and clean.
I guess, picture a... professor of soap?
So, what, we're not invited?
Are you ashamed of us?
No, of course not.
I... I just want this to be Matthew's perfect night.
-Well, can we at least watch? -We promise we won't make a peep.
Huh. So, you'd be watching me and Matthew do stuff
while you flick your little zippers?
Yeah, Daddy.
I'm gonna get my stuffing caught in the teeth.
Oh shit. [chuckles]
Okay. Voyeurism wolf.
[all howl]
[phone dings]
-Bernie's ETA is in 15 minutes. -[farts]
Fifteen or 50? Say it without farting in anticipation.
Fifteen. One-five.
-Oh my, that is soon. -[farting]
Andrew, at the risk of more flatulence,
I just have to say, this could be the greatest night
of your whole ugly little life.
Flanny, my dear, I couldn't agree more.
♪ Tonight's gonna change My whole life story ♪
♪ A moment of unmatched magnitude ♪
♪ It's finally time to taste the glory ♪
♪ I'm gonna touch a boob ♪
♪ Gonna treat my guy so fine and fancy ♪
♪ We'll eat off plates like royalty ♪
♪ I'll be so suave, he'll shit his pants ♪
♪ He won't believe it's me ♪
♪ I'm done with my wimpy-ass family ♪
♪ I'm taking my fate in my hands ♪
♪ I'm sick of the coddling And emotional swaddling ♪
♪ Tonight I'll become a man ♪
♪ I got a date with destiny ♪
♪ There's no way it can't go right ♪
♪ Everything's gonna be magical tonight ♪
♪ I'm giving this Shabbat Everything this old girl's got ♪
♪ I'll be A dazzling, brisket-bearing Judaic queen ♪
♪ Every rabbi's dream ♪
♪ Oh, I got a hunch There's good things coming ♪
♪ The future is looking bright ♪
♪ I'll be a manly, kick-ass dude ♪
♪ For once, not a filthy low-class rube ♪
♪ I'll be a boy who touched a boob ♪
♪ After tonight ♪
[doorbell rings]
Hi. Did I miss the song?
You did. You just missed it. Come in.
Okay. I guess this is it?
I can't believe we're gonna meet the penis that made your dad.
[sighs]
Who the hell are you?
Uh, hi. I'm actually your grandson, Nick Birch.
-Ha! -My dad is...
Well, he used to be your son, William MacGregor,
but now he's Elliot Birch.
A shitty name for a shitty son.
Right. It's a stupid made-up name. I'm really a MacGregor.
Ooh, are you then?
Well, come on in, wee Nicky MacGregor.
Should I take my shoes off?
Shoes off? What for? I haven't taken my shoes off in 15 years.
Sorry, 50 or 15?
One-five.
Oh, I can't believe you're actually here in my childhood home.
Enough pleasantries. Brief me on boob strategy.
Okay. After dinner is our best window.
My mom will do the dishes
while my dad will take his big evening shit.
That should give us ten minutes.
Copy. Call it nine for safety.
If we move quickly, it should be just enough time to...
Run upstairs and mammogram each other raw?
-[chuckles] -Oh, the phrasing.
Mm, you dazzle me.
Jay, this dinner is to die for.
-I mean, wow, duck à l'orange. -[laughs]
Oh, sweet Matthew, this isn't duck.
This is a seagull I clobbered with a lacrosse stick.
-Oh. -[chuckles]
He put up a fight.
Well, you know what? The seagull is delicious, and I want the recipe.
So this date is good, and I nailed it?
In your own words, please.
You did great, Jay.
-Yes. -You're fucking killing it, Jay.
I'm so proud, I could fuck you till you die in my arms, bro.
Aw, thanks. You guys are the wind beneath my balls.
♪ Baruch ata adonai mi'kadesh ha Shabbat ♪
Lovely blessing, Rabbi.
Yeah, cute song. Let's eat.
Not yet. The rabbi still has to bless the challah.
Oh, who cares?
You think God's listening to us?
He's probably busy making a new COVID.
[clears throat] Guys, we have company.
Uh, Barbara, this brisket smells mouth-watering.
It's from the kosher butcher, the one with only seven fingers.
Oh my God, the price of kosher meat is obscene.
Um, Mrs. Glouberman, this kugel is yummy.
My family never has stuff like this.
Yeah? Neither does ours, Bernie.
Barbara's gone Jew-wild for the rabbi tonight.
Marty, it's for Shabbat.
Oh, Barbara, since when do you care?
Last Friday, we ate moo shu pork in front of an all-new Madam Secretary.
Andrew, your father's brisket-fueled rage is kind of killing the mood with Bernie.
I agree with Jiminy Cricket. The vibe is bad.
The vibe is always bad here, guys.
We just need to get through dinner, and then we can do the titty tango.
Maury's right. We forge ahead.
Now, I think the warm wetness of the brisket
might soothe my engorged bazongas.
Ah. That feels so nice and Jewish.
Wow, the '67 Nipple Twisting Championship.
Isn't that when you took down Mike "The Manicure" McNamara?
Those sharp claws of his were no match for my leathery teats.
-Go ahead, give them a twist. -Really?
You have a gun? Shoot me in the teat.
-I won't feel a thing. -Well, I don't have a gun, so...
Well, you clearly know your nipple twisting, lad.
I wish your lousy father had as much appreciation for the sport.
Yeah. I mean, it's the sport of champions.
-It should've been in the Olympics. -In the Olympics.
Yeah, exactly.
You're a good shit, Nick MacGregor.
Thank you. I am a good shit. And so are you, Grandpa.
Ah.
I'm thirsty. You want something from the kitchen?
Yeah, I could do a snack.
What are you thinking? Uh, Pirate's Booty, LÄRABAR,
or do you have any of those Babybel cheeses?
I've got beer and oatmeal.
Uh-huh.
Nick, check it out. The cockroaches are taking me to lunch. Whee!
-[moaning] -Ooh.
-Damn. -Yes, Daddy.
Uh, sorry, quick bathroom break.
Don't go anywhere.
And don't you piss too hard.
[chuckles]
Yo!
It's going so well, Jay.
Right? And I was so nervous that seagull wouldn't die in the oven.
-I meant Matthew, you silly stud. -Oh.
He seems 100% DTFF.
Down to fuck fort.
Wait, you really think so?
Come on, bro. You know you wanna introduce us to that blond bombshell.
Or are you scared of having too many perfect holes to choose from?
Oh shit.
Jay, did you know there's a fish in your toilet?
Oh. What's going on?
We're just waiting on you, king cupcake.
Okay.
I don't know what to do, Rabbi.
Sharon Krauss and Sharon Menachem
both want to be Queen Esther for the Purim Cabaret,
and they're both such dynamic performers.
Come to my office on Monday, the three of you, and I shall mediate.
Oh yeah. Yeah, you'll love that, won't you, Paulblart?
A harem of women bowing down before the mighty rabbi.
Marty. He's trying to help.
Oh boy, this is stressful.
Oh, this is... This is normal.
I'd be concerned if they weren't screaming at each other like maniacs.
I'm so sorry, Rabbi. I just wanted a nice Shabbat.
Nay, nay, nay, you should take very much pride in this meal.
Oh, what the hell does "nay" mean? You wanna say no, say no.
And you, Marty, you should take pride
in your beautiful wife's devotion to Judaism.
That's very kind, Rabbi. It's nice to be appreciated.
Hey, I appreciate you.
You most certainly do not.
If I appreciated you more, I'd vomit.
-Andrew... -It's fine.
It's just turbulence. They're gonna land the plane.
I don't know why I thought this was a good idea.
No tears, Barbara, for this was a lovely Shabbat,
whether your husband appreciates it or not.
Thank you, Rabbi.
You're as kind as you are wise.
Hey, Paulblart.
-You schtupping my wife? -What?
-Marty!
[laughs] Oh shit.
Oh shit, indeed.
Uh, you know what?
I'm actually gonna pass on the beer and dirty oatmeal sludge,
but, uh, thanks a mil.
A little fuss-boy, eh? Ha!
I see your father in you now, Nick Birch.
No, I'm Nick MacGregor.
And I'm not fussy, but do you have just a spoon without bird shit on it?
I do not.
Don't do it, man. I'm telling you,
bird shit does not taste as good as it looks.
But I have to.
This is what men do,
awful, disgusting things.
Uh...
[Seamus] Go on.
What's wrong with you? Stick it in your mouth.
Oh yeah. You can really taste the bird shit.
Good boy. Now, finish the bowl.
We don't waste beer in this house.
Okay, yeah. This is actually pretty good bird shit.
Matthew, it is my very horny pleasure
to introduce you to Brad Polumbo and Suzette Saint James.
[chuckles] Hello, folks.
Hello, gorgeous.
Enchanté, bro.
The three of us have been sensual collaborators
for, what, over a year now, guys?
Time flies when you're getting railed superbly.
Uh, Jay, what is happening, exactly?
I just thought it might be fun
for all of my lovers to maybe, I don't know, share each other's bodies?
Okay...
So, maybe, start by picking a partner.
Ooh, pick me, Daddy.
No, no, no. Me, bro.
[Matthew] Oh, gosh.
[chuckles] I don't know.
I guess I'll take this little one that's crunchy.
Ooh-la-la, the lovely lady.
[chuckles] You're full of surprises.
So, what do I do with it?
-It? -Jesus Christ, Matthew, she has a name.
Suzette Saint James.
Of the Atlantic City Saint Jameses.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Uh, can we press pause?
We can agree these are just pillows, right?
Oh, uh...
Just pillows, bro?
I'm a beloved child of God, just like anyone else.
-Tell him, Jay. -I mean...
[hesitates] Of course they're just pillows.
What the fuck?
Et tu, bro Jay?
[chuckles] Okay. Oh, thank God.
Sorry, no. It was a funny joke.
Yeah, a joke. Not a savage betrayal.
-Holy shit. -This is unbelievable.
Now, uh, where... where were we?
Oh my God.
I'm gonna cry for the first time since my dad died.
Rest in power, Alfonse Polumbo.
[Barbara] What is wrong with you, Marty?
Of course I'm not sleeping with the Rabbi. I would never.
And nor do I feel any attraction to Barbara. Nay, nay, nay.
I am only aroused by very muscular women,
much more muscular than you're picturing right now.
If nothing's going on, then how come you're spending
so much time at the synagogue all of a sudden?
Oh, what a fun guy.
Does anyone want some wine, a glass of seltzer?
A gulp of my breast soda?
No, your tits taste like piss.
I'm sorry you think so little of me, Marty.
But believe it or not,
I don't go to the synagogue for some cheap affair.
I go because it gives me purpose.
That, I will not apologize for.
That, I need you to respect.
Nope. Sounds like you're schtupping the rabbi.
-Sweet Jesus. -Oh, Marty.
Oy vavoy.
I... I don't think I can be here right now.
What? Where the hell do you think you're going?
-I'm sorry, sweetie. -Mama.
Shabbat Shalom, Rabbi.
Dad's just kidding. Right?
-Tell her you're kidding. -She's not going anywhere.
Uh, she's getting in the car.
It's all a big bluff.
Uh, she's driving away.
And she's giving the house the middle finger.
Yeah... She'll... She'll be back.
Marriages, Marty, are very difficult...
Oh, you shut the hell up.
You better be out of my house by the time I finish my big evening shit.
You got nine minutes and 50 seconds.
I'm sorry, did you say 50 or 15?
Five-O.
Uh, I guess that's our cue to go upstairs?
Really? Are you sure?
Yes, we're sure. Our window is closing.
How can you think about Bernie's bosom
when your sweet mother's bosom just walked out the door?
Flanny, tonight's the night.
You heard the song.
♪ I'm gonna touch a boob ♪
[chuckles]
Come on, Bernie.
We're doing this whether we like it or not.
Mm.
Tasty.
Not exactly how I pictured having my first beer, but you know...
I've gotta piss. Hand me that can.
-What? -Hurry, it's coming.
-Okay, what are you gonna do with the can? -Turn around, over there. Go!
Are you...
What the hell? Don't you have a bathroom?
Don't give me your sass, boy. Toilets are for grandpa's chocolate.
Oh, you just ruined chocolate for me.
Sorry to offend your delicate sensibilities.
Ew, the cockroaches are laying eggs on my bird-shit spoon.
-[grunts] -Oh, babe, I love you so much right now.
Hey. Fuck off.
Oh!
Oh, you threw the piss can.
I told you, we don't waste beer in this house.
Okay, I thought he was cool,
but now I think he might just be fucking crazy.
It's a fine line, man, and I walk that tightrope every day. [chuckles]
-He makes good lemonade, though. -Ugh.
Well, Mr. MacGregor, very weird meeting you,
-but I think I gotta skedaddle. -What? You just got here.
Yeah, and you just threw your piss at me, so, uh, goodbye.
Oh, I see. You're just like your father.
Running away when you get scared.
Yeah, I'm scared, because you're fucking scary.
And your oatmeal sucks.
Get back here, you spoiled brat!
Ah! Leave me alone.
Stay here. Oh, you dirty, fucking bastard.
[screams]
-Holy shit. -Christ, my fucking ankle.
I was wrong. You're not a good shit.
You're a bad, prickly, hard shit.
Fuck. Oh fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
[phone rings]
Birch residence, I love you.
Dad? I'm in trouble. Can you please come get me?
Oh no.
Did you ask Fran Lebowitz when she's gonna write another book?
She hates that, Nicky.
No, I lied to you. There's no interview.
I don't even know who Fran Lebowitz is. I just made up a random Jewish name.
Well, Fran Lebowitz started out as a radical magazine writer in the 1970s...
Dad. Shut up. I went to Staten Island to find your father.
-What? -[Nick] But it was such a bad idea.
He chased me around and made me drink beer and eat bird shit.
And now I'm trapped in his bedroom. Can you please come get me?
Don't you worry. I'll be there in 50 minutes.
Fifty or 15?
No time for callbacks, Nicky.
Okay, right this way.
Now we still have a few minutes of fondling time
while my dad is punishing our plumbing.
I mean, yeah, I'm still down, if you are.
Why wouldn't I be down?
Andrew's mom. Andrew's mom.
-Flanny, please. -When are you coming home?
-Get a hold of yourself. -Please come home to us.
Just ignore him. Juice her nectarines.
And you don't mind if I pump while you're at it, right?
Andrew, are you sure you're okay?
Are you kidding? I'm about to honk second base, right?
Okay. Come and get 'em.
-Where did she go? -Yes...
We need you now.
Oh, my breasts.
[Andrew cries]
Why is the world so cruel?
Okay, maybe you need just, like, a minute?
I could give you some privacy.
[crying] No, Mommy, please don't go!
[crying] Andrew's mom!
I don't know what's gonna happen to my lousy family.
[crying] And I don't know how to be a good daddy to my child.
I am also crying too.
I'm sorry, Bernie, I'm crying so much.
-Oh, that's okay. -[sniffles]
I'm pretty scared.
That's okay too. Come here.
Thanks. I'm going to get more snot on your shirt than you think.
And I'm a shitty titty failure, and I don't deserve happiness.
Oh, hey, you're a good daddy.
I mean, you're doing your best.
I'm just a finicky little asshole. That's all.
Oh, I love you, Montel.
And I love you, Bernie.
-[Maury and Flanny] What? -What?
Oh shit.
Oh, wow. I love you too.
-Oh, you do? -I really do.
[laughs] No fucking way.
Thank Jesus Christ and all 12 of his roomies.
Oh, this is fantastic.
Hey, fellas, just to ask.
-Does this count as boob touching? -Of course it does.
-No, bud, and I know you know that. -It does. It absolutely does.
-No, no, no. Come on. You know it doesn't. -Maury, it counts.
Flanny.
[grunting]
Well, I'll be a dad of a bitch.
Where's Nicky?
Dad? Oh, thank God. Can we please go home?
He threw his piss can at me, and the piss was really hot.
[groans] Your boy's more of a wimp than you ever were.
[grunts]
What's wrong? Nothing to say to your old man?
Only that Nicky was never supposed to know you.
And I wish I never had.
You were so right about him, Dad.
What a demented old goat.
I hope all the maggots in there eat his face off.
Maggots? And did you say something about piss cans?
Ugh, yes. He goes in the beer cans,
and then there's no system for telling the piss and the beer apart.
Like, get a label maker, Seamus. Fuck you. Rot and die.
-[grunts] -Oh.
Oh no.
-Dad? What are you doing? -[sighs]
-We can't leave him like this. -Why not?
Because we're Birches. That means we have compassion
and we do the right thing, even when it's difficult.
It also means we have small penises,
but we compensate by performing dynamite cunnilingus.
Okay...
Oh, Nicky, you might not understand this yet,
but it's a lot harder to be a Birch than a MacGregor.
It's even harder to be a pimp, like the song says,
but in reality, I think it's much harder to be a prostitute.
Oh, I'm sorry, I... I forgot.
We're supposed to call them "flight attendants" now.
Boob fondling or no, Andrew, you groped real love tonight.
But your father, on the other hand...
Hey, uh, Dad?
Are you okay?
Yeah, how come all of a sudden, we're not enough for her anymore?
I... I think maybe she just wants a little appreciation?
She wants it all.
Who does she think she is, Debra Messing, Queen of the Jews?
-But, Dad. -No, get out of here.
Go to bed. You're making me miss my pet medication commercial.
[woman on TV] Your pets can't tell you when they're not feeling well.
These cats don't look sick. They're fine.
How could you, Jay? I've never felt so betrayed.
It's like a dagger to my dick, bro, and not the good kind.
Will you guys please shut up?
-Jay, is everything okay? -Everything's great. Why do you ask?
Okay. Is tonight ruined?
Did I mess it up with Suzette and Chad?
-I'm sorry, Chad?
-Yeah, you did. -That's so different from Brad.
Matthew, don't be ridiculous.
They're just pillows. And you are my real-life boyfriend.
Well, that's obvious, but it's still nice to hear.
And I guess, you know,
the time has come to leave behind childish sex cushions.
Yeah, I think so. [moans]
I can't fucking believe it.
This is just like in Toy Story 3,
when Andy didn't want to fuck his toys no more.
Goodbye, Jay.
You'll always be real to us, bro.
Farewell, my sweet fuck pillows.
Farewell.
♪ Goodbye, my lover ♪
♪ Goodbye, my friend ♪
♪ You have been the one ♪
♪ You have been the one for me ♪
♪ Goodbye, my lover ♪
♪ Goodbye, my friend ♪
♪ You have been the one ♪
♪ You have been the one for me ♪
♪ I am a dreamer ♪
♪ And when I wake ♪
♪ You can't break my spirit ♪
♪ It's my dreams you take ♪
♪ And as you move on ♪
♪ Remember me ♪