1
00:00:06,875 --> 00:00:07,791
[bell tolls]

2
00:00:09,541 --> 00:00:10,708
[enchanting music plays]

3
00:00:10,791 --> 00:00:12,833
[Lola sighs] Heavy sigh.

4
00:00:12,916 --> 00:00:15,166
Life has been oh so lonely

5
00:00:15,250 --> 00:00:17,458
ever since the Knights of St. Joseph,

6
00:00:17,541 --> 00:00:20,708
AKA my pubes, died

7
00:00:20,791 --> 00:00:22,500
by execution

8
00:00:22,583 --> 00:00:24,166
ordered by moi.

9
00:00:24,250 --> 00:00:28,125
-[trumpets sound]
-Hark. Be that fanfare in the distance?

10
00:00:28,208 --> 00:00:31,833
Oh, medieval G.

11
00:00:31,916 --> 00:00:34,375
My pubies are back.

12
00:00:34,458 --> 00:00:36,916
Yes, my lady. We have returned.

13
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:40,291
And we're not even mad at you
for beheading us in the village square.

14
00:00:40,375 --> 00:00:43,750
Honestly, every other man in my life
has, like, abandoned me,

15
00:00:43,833 --> 00:00:46,125
but you guys, you came back.

16
00:00:46,208 --> 00:00:48,291
[gasps] This calls for a feast.

17
00:00:48,375 --> 00:00:50,250
And not just any feast.

18
00:00:50,333 --> 00:00:53,916
A jubilant feast.

19
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:59,083
{\an8}♪ When me and the gang
Get together for a celebration ♪

20
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:05,500
{\an8}♪ Well, we don't need loser friends
Or fancy decorations ♪

21
00:01:06,333 --> 00:01:09,458
{\an8}♪ 'Cause there's only one way
To quell my party lust ♪

22
00:01:09,541 --> 00:01:12,583
♪ I need savory sludge in a prefab crust ♪

23
00:01:12,666 --> 00:01:13,916
♪ Gimme pepperoni ♪

24
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:15,458
-♪ Philly steak ♪
-♪ Ham and cheese ♪

25
00:01:15,541 --> 00:01:18,208
{\an8}♪ Chicken and cheddar ♪

26
00:01:18,958 --> 00:01:22,916
{\an8}♪ It's a Hot Pocket party, babe
I never wanna leave ♪

27
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,166
♪ Hot party, Hot Pocket party ♪

28
00:01:25,250 --> 00:01:28,375
♪ Gonna snack away
All my stress and strife ♪

29
00:01:28,458 --> 00:01:31,458
-♪ Fill the hole in my tummy ♪
-♪ And the hole in your life ♪

30
00:01:31,541 --> 00:01:33,541
♪ We'll have a Hot Pocket party ♪

31
00:01:33,625 --> 00:01:35,583
♪ Lolapalooza tonight ♪

32
00:01:35,666 --> 00:01:38,125
♪ Hot party, Hot Pocket party ♪

33
00:01:38,208 --> 00:01:39,625
♪ The microwave's a-rockin' ♪

34
00:01:39,708 --> 00:01:41,041
♪ Hear it hum and sing ♪

35
00:01:41,125 --> 00:01:44,166
♪ Gonna pounce like a panther
When I hear that ding ♪

36
00:01:44,250 --> 00:01:47,458
♪ Rip that steamy little morsel
From its paper plate ♪

37
00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:50,416
♪ Gotta shove it in my gullet
'Cause I just can't wait ♪

38
00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:51,708
♪ It's a Hot Pocket... ♪

39
00:01:51,791 --> 00:01:52,625
[screams]

40
00:01:52,708 --> 00:01:56,583
[gags] Fuck! My fucking mouth!

41
00:01:56,666 --> 00:01:58,000
[groans]

42
00:02:00,375 --> 00:02:06,000
{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪

43
00:02:09,833 --> 00:02:15,500
{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪

44
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,166
{\an8}♪ Oh, in my life ♪

45
00:02:19,583 --> 00:02:22,791
{\an8}♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪

46
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:30,074
Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports
Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP

47
00:02:32,208 --> 00:02:34,833
Pancakes, eh? That's a girlie breakfast.

48
00:02:34,916 --> 00:02:35,791
Uh, how so?

49
00:02:35,875 --> 00:02:37,583
They're round and soft,

50
00:02:37,666 --> 00:02:40,750
just like you,
you doughy little short-stack fuck.

51
00:02:40,833 --> 00:02:42,250
{\an8}Seamus, listen up.

52
00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:44,083
{\an8}Elliot has something
he'd like to tell you.

53
00:02:44,166 --> 00:02:46,250
{\an8}Yes. What I'd like to say is,

54
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:48,875
{\an8}um, I love you
more than the sun loves the sky.

55
00:02:48,958 --> 00:02:52,958
That's not it, Elliot.
Tell them what we discussed.

56
00:02:53,041 --> 00:02:57,333
Father, this weekend, the boys and I
are gonna help you clean out your house,

57
00:02:57,416 --> 00:02:58,708
so we can sell it.

58
00:02:58,791 --> 00:03:00,291
The hell you are.

59
00:03:00,375 --> 00:03:04,833
We'll use the money to set you up
in a very nice assisted-living community.

60
00:03:04,916 --> 00:03:06,833
An old-age home? Fuck you!

61
00:03:06,916 --> 00:03:08,000
Why do I have to go?

62
00:03:08,083 --> 00:03:12,000
I'm not, like, a... What is it?
Like, a mover or whatever they're called.

63
00:03:12,083 --> 00:03:14,583
You have to help
because you got us into this mess.

64
00:03:14,666 --> 00:03:16,458
And you need to move out

65
00:03:16,541 --> 00:03:19,666
because you spit on the carpet,
you scream in your sleep,

66
00:03:19,750 --> 00:03:21,458
for some reason, you bit our mailman.

67
00:03:21,541 --> 00:03:22,625
He knows what he did.

68
00:03:22,708 --> 00:03:25,958
And the stress of having you here
has been so overwhelming,

69
00:03:26,041 --> 00:03:29,125
I can't even eat my favorite meal,
Diane's vagina.

70
00:03:29,208 --> 00:03:30,708
Oh, Jesus, Dad.

71
00:03:30,791 --> 00:03:32,041
So, that's it, eh?

72
00:03:32,125 --> 00:03:35,791
You're gonna dump me in some morgue
just because your wife says so.

73
00:03:35,875 --> 00:03:38,000
I happen to agree with Diane. Always.

74
00:03:38,083 --> 00:03:41,583
Uh, just grow a vagina
and eat your own pussy, Elliot.

75
00:03:41,666 --> 00:03:42,708
[laughs]

76
00:03:42,791 --> 00:03:43,791
Sorry, not funny.

77
00:03:44,583 --> 00:03:48,250
To say the roof of my mouth
was sloughing off in sheets

78
00:03:48,333 --> 00:03:50,708
would be the understatement
of the century.

79
00:03:50,791 --> 00:03:54,583
The Hot Pocket, my friends,
was simply too hot.

80
00:03:54,666 --> 00:03:58,250
Objection. They're supposed to be hot.
It's right in the name.

81
00:03:58,333 --> 00:04:00,208
-Not that hot.
-Overruled.

82
00:04:00,291 --> 00:04:01,166
Miss Skumpy,

83
00:04:01,250 --> 00:04:03,916
where were your parents
when this horrible injury occurred?

84
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,416
Well, I have no dad,

85
00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:09,041
and my mom is both a groupie
and a workaholic,

86
00:04:09,125 --> 00:04:11,750
so she was on the road as per uzhe.

87
00:04:11,833 --> 00:04:15,125
Her parole officer, Rodney,
rushed me to the mouth hospital.

88
00:04:15,208 --> 00:04:19,708
But let the record show
that Rodney's car absolutely stunk.

89
00:04:19,791 --> 00:04:23,500
That's my bad, Your Honor.
A squirrel passed away in my trunk.

90
00:04:23,583 --> 00:04:27,791
Noted. Miss Skumpy,
your life sounds very lonely.

91
00:04:27,875 --> 00:04:29,375
Would you care to sing about it?

92
00:04:29,458 --> 00:04:32,458
Well, if it, like, pleases the court...
[chuckles]

93
00:04:32,541 --> 00:04:33,791
[breathes deeply]

94
00:04:34,458 --> 00:04:41,333
♪ I wake up to a cold, empty condo ♪

95
00:04:42,083 --> 00:04:44,333
♪ Fill the deafening silence ♪

96
00:04:44,416 --> 00:04:49,333
♪ With voices on TV ♪

97
00:04:50,125 --> 00:04:53,541
♪ Take an Uber-X to school ♪

98
00:04:53,625 --> 00:04:57,666
♪ Force a smile and play it cool ♪

99
00:04:58,375 --> 00:05:05,000
♪ But basically, it sucks being me ♪

100
00:05:06,125 --> 00:05:13,125
♪ Mom's postcards
Show a life of grand adventure ♪

101
00:05:14,333 --> 00:05:21,166
♪ Hoobastanking 'round the country
Happy and free ♪

102
00:05:21,250 --> 00:05:25,625
♪ While I'm stuck home alone and sulking ♪

103
00:05:25,708 --> 00:05:29,833
♪ Like a sad Macaulay Culkin ♪

104
00:05:29,916 --> 00:05:33,875
♪ What I'm saying is it sucks ♪

105
00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:38,416
♪ Being me ♪

106
00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:41,958
♪ Your Honor, it sucks hard ♪

107
00:05:42,041 --> 00:05:46,250
♪ Being me ♪

108
00:05:46,333 --> 00:05:49,041
[weeping] I've heard enough.

109
00:05:49,125 --> 00:05:52,750
In the case
of Ugfuglio Skumpy v. Hot Pockets,

110
00:05:52,833 --> 00:05:55,458
the court rules in favor of Miss Skumpy.

111
00:05:55,541 --> 00:05:56,458
[cameras clicking]

112
00:05:56,541 --> 00:06:01,708
[gasps] Holy molten cheese bites.
I'm gonna be a bazillionaire.

113
00:06:02,791 --> 00:06:03,666
Ah.

114
00:06:03,750 --> 00:06:05,833
-Uh, hey, guys.
-Hey there, sweetie.

115
00:06:05,916 --> 00:06:07,291
Namaste a while.

116
00:06:07,375 --> 00:06:09,916
Actually, downward-facing Dad,

117
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:14,541
I was wondering if maybe you'd take me
to a daddy-daughter dance this weekend?

118
00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:15,958
Ooh, a dance?

119
00:06:16,041 --> 00:06:18,375
There's gonna be someone there
that I'd like you to meet.

120
00:06:18,458 --> 00:06:21,666
Oh, it sounds like a boy. A mother knows.

121
00:06:21,750 --> 00:06:23,541
His name is Elijah.

122
00:06:23,625 --> 00:06:26,208
Well, this Elijah better watch out

123
00:06:26,291 --> 00:06:29,375
'cause Big Papa Cyrus
can get pretty darn tough.

124
00:06:29,458 --> 00:06:32,500
Oh, I love it
when you call yourself Big Papa.

125
00:06:32,583 --> 00:06:36,333
Great. It's this weekend
at the Fountain of Life Church.

126
00:06:36,416 --> 00:06:38,375
-[Monica] Oh!
-What? A church?

127
00:06:38,458 --> 00:06:41,791
But you know how your mother and I
feel about organized religion.

128
00:06:41,875 --> 00:06:42,708
I do, but...

129
00:06:42,791 --> 00:06:46,458
Anthropologically, it has done
so much harm in the world.

130
00:06:46,541 --> 00:06:47,666
But this will be fun.

131
00:06:47,750 --> 00:06:49,875
We'll eat pizza and shake our booties.

132
00:06:49,958 --> 00:06:52,916
And I really want you to meet Elijah.
Please?

133
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:54,750
Well, when you put it like that,

134
00:06:54,833 --> 00:06:58,458
I guess I can only say, "Vinyasireebob."

135
00:06:58,541 --> 00:07:01,708
[chuckles] Aw, Dad,
you're... you're my favorite comedian.

136
00:07:01,791 --> 00:07:04,333
Now that I'm rich,
I think I'll get a private plane

137
00:07:04,416 --> 00:07:08,333
so I don't have to ride around
in your stank-ass car anymore, Rodney.

138
00:07:08,416 --> 00:07:11,708
Have you, uh, thought about putting
some money aside for college?

139
00:07:11,791 --> 00:07:14,083
I already graduated
from the School of Hard Knocks.

140
00:07:14,166 --> 00:07:18,125
-And, honey, I was the salutatorian.
-[knocking on door]

141
00:07:18,708 --> 00:07:20,166
OMG, you guys.

142
00:07:20,250 --> 00:07:21,500
It's really her.

143
00:07:21,583 --> 00:07:23,000
Who in the world are you three?

144
00:07:23,083 --> 00:07:23,916
We are...

145
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:27,916
♪ Bros 4 Life! ♪

146
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,000
Uh, come again?

147
00:07:29,083 --> 00:07:32,666
You know, the famous post-9/11 boy band?

148
00:07:32,750 --> 00:07:34,708
-[pop music plays]
-{\an8}♪ Bros 4 Life! ♪

149
00:07:34,791 --> 00:07:36,291
{\an8}We saw you on TV, sweetie,

150
00:07:36,375 --> 00:07:38,333
serving up that hot, cheesy justice.

151
00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:41,583
And we just knew
you had to be Cookie Skumpy's daughter.

152
00:07:41,666 --> 00:07:43,375
We knew your mom back in the day.

153
00:07:43,458 --> 00:07:46,000
I mean, bad timing with that crow
flying in front of her face.

154
00:07:46,083 --> 00:07:49,791
Oh, I'd recognize
her signature Bumpit anywhere.

155
00:07:49,875 --> 00:07:51,000
That's my mom.

156
00:07:51,083 --> 00:07:54,208
Yep. And ready for an absolute slay?

157
00:07:54,291 --> 00:07:57,541
One of us is literally your dad.

158
00:07:57,625 --> 00:08:00,541
Wait, what? Like, how?

159
00:08:00,625 --> 00:08:04,958
♪ It was a summertime tour some years ago
At the tip top of our game ♪

160
00:08:05,041 --> 00:08:07,000
♪ We were hot young bros
Doin' sold-out shows ♪

161
00:08:07,083 --> 00:08:09,083
-♪ Had money, fans, and fame ♪
-♪ Whoa ♪

162
00:08:09,166 --> 00:08:13,083
♪ And each one of us remembers well
One stand-out devotee ♪

163
00:08:13,166 --> 00:08:14,375
♪ 'Cause she was hot and fun ♪

164
00:08:14,458 --> 00:08:17,541
♪ And the only one
Who ever got with us all three ♪

165
00:08:17,625 --> 00:08:21,750
♪ Her name was Cookie Skumpy
She was passionate and wild ♪

166
00:08:21,833 --> 00:08:26,166
♪ And exactly nine months later
She gave birth to a child ♪

167
00:08:26,250 --> 00:08:28,125
♪ So what we're trying to tell ya is ♪

168
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:31,625
♪ Girl, we got with your mom ♪

169
00:08:31,708 --> 00:08:34,833
♪ When we were
Reckless, horny, and young ♪

170
00:08:34,916 --> 00:08:36,583
♪ Didn't use no condom ♪

171
00:08:36,666 --> 00:08:39,750
♪ Girl, your mom was the bomb ♪

172
00:08:39,833 --> 00:08:45,541
♪ And you're the baby-daddy baby
Of Bros 4 Life, yeah ♪

173
00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:48,250
♪ Ooh, girl ♪

174
00:08:49,083 --> 00:08:52,833
♪ I was waxing my chest in my hotel room
When a knock came at the door ♪

175
00:08:52,916 --> 00:08:55,333
♪ It was Cookie
In a counterfeit housekeeper suit ♪

176
00:08:55,416 --> 00:08:57,500
-♪ And she pinned me on the floor ♪
-♪ Oh ♪

177
00:08:57,583 --> 00:09:01,666
♪ She snuck on the tour bus in L.A.
Stowed away inside my bunk ♪

178
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:06,166
♪ By the time we got to San Jose
She was grindin' on my junk ♪

179
00:09:06,250 --> 00:09:10,125
♪ Our manager was a bit concerned
I was coming off a little fey ♪

180
00:09:10,208 --> 00:09:12,208
♪ But your mom was there
For a quick affair ♪

181
00:09:12,291 --> 00:09:14,541
♪ To kill the rumors I was gay ♪

182
00:09:14,625 --> 00:09:18,000
♪ Girl, we got with your mom ♪

183
00:09:18,083 --> 00:09:21,250
♪ When we were famous, pretty, and dumb ♪

184
00:09:21,333 --> 00:09:23,000
♪ We used the pull-out method, baby ♪

185
00:09:23,083 --> 00:09:26,458
♪ Girl, your mom was the bomb ♪

186
00:09:26,541 --> 00:09:32,041
♪ And you're the baby-daddy baby
Of Bros 4 Life, yeah ♪

187
00:09:32,791 --> 00:09:34,666
{\an8}♪ Bros 4 Life! ♪

188
00:09:34,750 --> 00:09:37,166
-[panting]
-Holy Joe Paternity.

189
00:09:37,250 --> 00:09:40,500
My whole life
I've wondered who my dad could be.

190
00:09:40,583 --> 00:09:43,916
But now I've got dads-a-plenty.

191
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,333
I don't know, Lols.

192
00:09:45,416 --> 00:09:47,708
It's kinda fishy
that these strange individuals

193
00:09:47,791 --> 00:09:51,125
showed up right after the news said
you're gonna be rich. You know?

194
00:09:51,208 --> 00:09:53,583
We must've heard
totally different songs, Rodney,

195
00:09:53,666 --> 00:09:57,041
because I am 100% on board.
Bring it in, Dads.

196
00:09:57,125 --> 00:09:59,458
-You got it, Lola.
-This rocks.

197
00:09:59,541 --> 00:10:01,958
Ooh, you're
a really strong hugger, sweetie.

198
00:10:02,041 --> 00:10:03,041
Oh.

199
00:10:03,125 --> 00:10:04,041
[bell rings]

200
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:06,416
[sighs] I'm so psyched
your dad's coming to the dance.

201
00:10:06,500 --> 00:10:10,583
I heard last year was nuts.
They had grape soda and orange.

202
00:10:10,666 --> 00:10:12,833
[chuckles] Wow.
I bet someone mixed them together

203
00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:14,708
in the same cup and was like... [gurgles]

204
00:10:14,791 --> 00:10:15,666
[laughing]

205
00:10:15,750 --> 00:10:18,166
[Lola] Oh, snap, a daddy-daughter dance?

206
00:10:18,250 --> 00:10:22,416
How apropos
of my recent life developments.

207
00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:25,375
Oh, hey, Missy. How many dads do you have?

208
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,875
-Uh, one?
-[chuckles] Pathetic.

209
00:10:27,958 --> 00:10:31,833
I have three. Get ready
to be brutally upstaged by yours truly.

210
00:10:31,916 --> 00:10:33,958
Ooh, Jessi, you and your dad should come.

211
00:10:34,041 --> 00:10:35,750
"Fountain of Life Church"?

212
00:10:35,833 --> 00:10:37,958
Yeah, there's gonna be
a Christian caricature artist.

213
00:10:38,041 --> 00:10:40,833
He'll draw you up on the cross,
and holding a basketball if you want.

214
00:10:40,916 --> 00:10:44,541
Hold on.
Is this, like, one of those purity balls?

215
00:10:44,625 --> 00:10:46,250
What? No, it's just a dance.

216
00:10:46,333 --> 00:10:49,041
Actually, Missy, there is
a kind of abstinence component.

217
00:10:49,125 --> 00:10:50,041
-There it is.
-What?

218
00:10:50,125 --> 00:10:53,416
The dads take this vow, or whatever,
to protect their daughters' virtue.

219
00:10:53,500 --> 00:10:55,708
-[Missy] Oh.
-Okay, this dance is ridiculous, right?

220
00:10:55,791 --> 00:10:59,000
Yeah, and pointless.
You can't stop kids from fucking.

221
00:10:59,083 --> 00:11:00,708
Mama, what's "fucking"?

222
00:11:00,791 --> 00:11:04,666
Okay, Montel. When two creatures
love each other very much,

223
00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:07,958
or find themselves
in the same airport bathroom,

224
00:11:08,041 --> 00:11:11,458
they'll rub together
any gooey parts they got

225
00:11:11,541 --> 00:11:14,333
till everyone feels fantastic.

226
00:11:14,416 --> 00:11:16,208
Well, I feel up to speed.

227
00:11:16,291 --> 00:11:18,583
Great, now let's move on to fisting.

228
00:11:18,666 --> 00:11:19,625
Let's.

229
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:25,208
So, you're really gonna dump
your old man into a death camp?

230
00:11:25,291 --> 00:11:27,916
Dad, I told Diane we're doing this,
so we're doing it.

231
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,875
Oh, sugar,
I left my moving gloves in my closet.

232
00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:32,833
Nicky, would you be a dear and grab them?

233
00:11:32,916 --> 00:11:35,875
I know my way around your closet,
Dr. Birch. Allow me.

234
00:11:36,458 --> 00:11:40,083
Ho, ho, the cave of wonders.
Shall we snoop?

235
00:11:40,166 --> 00:11:41,041
-Ooh.
-[Maury] Yes.

236
00:11:41,125 --> 00:11:43,458
What is a "Peenie Prison"?

237
00:11:43,541 --> 00:11:45,166
I am scared and aroused,

238
00:11:45,250 --> 00:11:47,250
the chocolate and peanut butter
of feelings.

239
00:11:47,333 --> 00:11:51,375
"The Peenie Prison is a Bluetooth-enabled
male chastity device."

240
00:11:51,458 --> 00:11:53,333
-What?
-Oh, okay.

241
00:11:53,416 --> 00:11:55,666
So you stick
your fat little piggy in there

242
00:11:55,750 --> 00:11:58,125
and lock it away so you can't get hard.

243
00:11:58,208 --> 00:11:59,500
Why would anyone want that?

244
00:11:59,583 --> 00:12:01,833
Oh, Andrew, it can be very erotic

245
00:12:01,916 --> 00:12:05,208
to relinquish control of your schwang
to somebody else.

246
00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:07,958
My submissive dick
absolutely lives for that shit.

247
00:12:08,041 --> 00:12:11,958
You wanna put on a pair of high heels
and step on me, Daddy?

248
00:12:12,041 --> 00:12:13,666
-Yeah, bitch.
-Andrew, focus.

249
00:12:13,750 --> 00:12:15,708
I mean, clearly, I should try on

250
00:12:15,791 --> 00:12:18,416
my friend's dad's genital torture device,
right?

251
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:19,625
Yeah, just for a second.

252
00:12:19,708 --> 00:12:20,583
Wiping it off...

253
00:12:20,666 --> 00:12:24,250
It says the size is "Virginia Slim,"
but you're more of a "Minnesota Meatball."

254
00:12:24,333 --> 00:12:27,500
I think if I just kind of fold it...
[grunts]

255
00:12:27,583 --> 00:12:28,875
I'm in. Oh!

256
00:12:28,958 --> 00:12:31,000
-This feels naughty, Maury.
-[device locks]

257
00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:32,791
Oh no, the Peenie Prison's engaged.

258
00:12:32,875 --> 00:12:35,708
You're locked in
with no possibility for parole.

259
00:12:35,791 --> 00:12:38,875
Oh, and why is this sudden panic
making me hard?

260
00:12:38,958 --> 00:12:40,708
-Andrew, sweetie, time to go.
-Oh God.

261
00:12:40,791 --> 00:12:44,208
-What do I do, Maury?
-I think you just gotta do your time, bud.

262
00:12:44,291 --> 00:12:47,708
And that's why we're called Bros 4 Life.

263
00:12:47,791 --> 00:12:51,416
Because we knew we'd always be friends,
but we're also vehemently anti-abortion.

264
00:12:51,500 --> 00:12:55,250
And thank American God
your mom didn't abort you.

265
00:12:55,333 --> 00:12:57,166
Oh, contented sigh.

266
00:12:57,250 --> 00:13:00,250
I love having all three of you as my dad.

267
00:13:00,333 --> 00:13:03,208
-Oh, for realsie-ba-deelsies?
-Of course.

268
00:13:03,291 --> 00:13:04,916
When you three showed up,

269
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,041
it was, like,
the moment my life actually started.

270
00:13:08,125 --> 00:13:09,958
Oh, just like in our song.

271
00:13:10,041 --> 00:13:11,541
♪ Life starts ♪

272
00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:13,750
♪ When your dad finishes ♪

273
00:13:13,833 --> 00:13:16,000
♪ Fetuses should be allowed to drive ♪

274
00:13:16,083 --> 00:13:19,041
Oh my God,
I love that your music has a message.

275
00:13:19,958 --> 00:13:23,000
Ew, Rodney, what are you doing here?

276
00:13:23,083 --> 00:13:26,833
Well, Lols, I ran a background check
on Bros 4 Life and...

277
00:13:26,916 --> 00:13:27,875
You what?

278
00:13:27,958 --> 00:13:30,500
I think we should conduct
a proper DNA test.

279
00:13:30,583 --> 00:13:33,125
I don't know if any of these hunks
is your real dad.

280
00:13:33,208 --> 00:13:37,625
Not only is one of them my dad,
as far as I'm concerned, they all are.

281
00:13:37,708 --> 00:13:41,000
Your Majesty,
Sir Rodney only wants the best for you.

282
00:13:41,083 --> 00:13:43,833
Though his leather jacket is fake,
his heart is true.

283
00:13:43,916 --> 00:13:44,791
Enough!

284
00:13:44,875 --> 00:13:47,458
Rodney, it's that moment
in every single girl's life

285
00:13:47,541 --> 00:13:50,833
when she must look
her mother's parole officer in the eye

286
00:13:50,916 --> 00:13:54,541
and say, "I have three dads.
I do not need you anymore."

287
00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:55,583
But, Lola, I...

288
00:13:55,666 --> 00:13:57,916
Rodney, sashay away.

289
00:13:58,750 --> 00:13:59,583
[sighs]

290
00:14:00,083 --> 00:14:06,625
♪ My days are filled
With joyless interactions ♪

291
00:14:07,791 --> 00:14:14,000
♪ Just probate clerks
Ex-cons and parolees ♪

292
00:14:15,750 --> 00:14:19,666
♪ Do their check-ins, then they leave ♪

293
00:14:19,750 --> 00:14:23,333
♪ They never stick around
Just to shoot the breeze ♪

294
00:14:23,916 --> 00:14:26,041
♪ I got nobody ♪

295
00:14:26,125 --> 00:14:31,458
♪ Checking in on me ♪

296
00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:34,458
♪ But I'll be standing
In your hallway, Lola ♪

297
00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:39,583
♪ Until you open the door to your heart ♪

298
00:14:39,666 --> 00:14:42,291
♪ To me ♪

299
00:14:42,375 --> 00:14:45,208
Rodney, no lamenting in the hallway.

300
00:14:45,291 --> 00:14:46,208
[sighs]

301
00:14:46,291 --> 00:14:47,541
My bad, Lols.

302
00:14:48,625 --> 00:14:50,666
Aye, home sweet home.

303
00:14:50,750 --> 00:14:54,708
Sick. I was promised squalor
and squalor was delivered.

304
00:14:54,791 --> 00:14:59,416
[chuckles] Oh God, Andrew, I can hear
your dick's pulse from a mile away.

305
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:03,541
Yeah, asshole, this torture device
is crushing my ample hog.

306
00:15:03,625 --> 00:15:06,083
And my nuts, Maury,
they've taken the top bunk.

307
00:15:06,166 --> 00:15:09,500
Well, maybe there's a toolbox
somewhere in this godforsaken shithole.

308
00:15:09,583 --> 00:15:10,416
Oh, good call.

309
00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:15,041
Uh, if you gentlemen will excuse me,
I've got a bathroom emergency.

310
00:15:15,125 --> 00:15:17,083
-Feces style.
-Again?

311
00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:20,083
Well, thanks for the ride home,
Princess Pussy-whipped.

312
00:15:20,166 --> 00:15:21,458
I'm sorry. What are you doing?

313
00:15:21,541 --> 00:15:24,500
Making myself comfortable,
'cause I'm not going anywhere.

314
00:15:24,583 --> 00:15:28,041
You can't live here anymore.
This place should be condemned.

315
00:15:28,125 --> 00:15:28,958
Now get up.

316
00:15:29,041 --> 00:15:31,041
There's a lot of improvised toilets
to sort through.

317
00:15:31,125 --> 00:15:34,416
You want me to get up,
you're gonna have to make me.

318
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:35,708
Do it, Dad. Make him.

319
00:15:35,791 --> 00:15:39,541
Yeah, he's like a million years old.
You might actually be able to take him.

320
00:15:39,625 --> 00:15:43,833
No. In this family,
we use our hearts, not our fists.

321
00:15:43,916 --> 00:15:45,333
Fuck your prissy heart.

322
00:15:45,416 --> 00:15:48,041
'Cause I'm not rotting away
in some old folks home.

323
00:15:48,125 --> 00:15:52,541
Now go fetch the shitting boy
and get the fuck outta my house.

324
00:15:52,625 --> 00:15:54,125
{\an8}[dance music plays]

325
00:15:54,208 --> 00:15:57,625
DJ Pendejo's in the house. God's house.

326
00:15:57,708 --> 00:15:58,750
Pew, pew, pew!

327
00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:00,541
I'm very scared of God.

328
00:16:00,625 --> 00:16:03,708
Nice to meet you, Mr. Foreman-Greenwald.
I've heard a lot about you.

329
00:16:03,791 --> 00:16:07,083
Well, then, pop quiz, hotshot.
What's my favorite color?

330
00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:08,000
Dad.

331
00:16:08,083 --> 00:16:10,500
Clementine. Not orange, but clementine.

332
00:16:10,583 --> 00:16:12,291
Very impressive, young man.

333
00:16:12,375 --> 00:16:13,791
Double doors.

334
00:16:13,875 --> 00:16:15,875
Arriving, scanning,

335
00:16:15,958 --> 00:16:17,083
judging...

336
00:16:17,166 --> 00:16:21,083
You're the hottest daughter here by far,
Lola, and I've really been looking.

337
00:16:21,166 --> 00:16:23,625
Also, everyone else's
dad-to-daughter ratio

338
00:16:23,708 --> 00:16:26,083
is like commonplace AF, hunty.

339
00:16:26,166 --> 00:16:28,875
No kidding. I almost feel bad for them.

340
00:16:28,958 --> 00:16:33,083
But if I'm being honest,
all I really feel is amazing

341
00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:34,333
for me.

342
00:16:35,166 --> 00:16:38,000
♪ I got dads, dads, dads ♪

343
00:16:38,083 --> 00:16:39,625
♪ Coming outta my ass ♪

344
00:16:39,708 --> 00:16:42,250
♪ She's got a shitload of papas ♪

345
00:16:42,333 --> 00:16:46,916
♪ That old dad-less loser Lola
Is a thing of the past ♪

346
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,958
♪ Can't nobody stop us ♪

347
00:16:49,458 --> 00:16:52,500
♪ I'm every orphan's wildest dream ♪

348
00:16:53,208 --> 00:16:56,666
♪ Just a-shittin' out pops
Like a soda machine ♪

349
00:16:56,750 --> 00:17:01,583
♪ All you one-dad chumps
Can kiss their six sweet nads ♪

350
00:17:03,333 --> 00:17:04,750
♪ 'Cause I got dads ♪

351
00:17:04,833 --> 00:17:06,833
♪ Dads up the wazoo ♪

352
00:17:06,916 --> 00:17:08,083
♪ She got dads ♪

353
00:17:08,166 --> 00:17:09,833
♪ So many more dads than you ♪

354
00:17:09,916 --> 00:17:11,625
♪ So many dads ♪

355
00:17:11,708 --> 00:17:13,500
♪ My mom put out like a whore ♪

356
00:17:13,583 --> 00:17:15,083
♪ That girl got dads ♪

357
00:17:15,166 --> 00:17:17,625
♪ Gave me a family of four ♪

358
00:17:17,708 --> 00:17:18,708
♪ Me and my ♪

359
00:17:18,791 --> 00:17:20,333
[grunting rhythmically]

360
00:17:20,416 --> 00:17:21,291
♪ Dads ♪

361
00:17:21,833 --> 00:17:23,041
[Maury] Here, use these pliers.

362
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:25,500
Get a good grip
on the Peenie Prison and twist.

363
00:17:25,583 --> 00:17:27,541
Ow! Fuck. It's really on there.

364
00:17:27,625 --> 00:17:30,500
Ooh, maybe loosen it up,
you know, like a pickle jar?

365
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,791
Oh! I felt that one in my guts.

366
00:17:32,875 --> 00:17:34,875
Hey, shitting boy,
I'm supposed to fetch you.

367
00:17:34,958 --> 00:17:36,750
-Hey. No. Don't come in here.
-Whoa.

368
00:17:36,833 --> 00:17:38,583
-Nick.
-What the fuck are you doing?

369
00:17:38,666 --> 00:17:41,500
It's actually
a very charming and relatable story.

370
00:17:41,583 --> 00:17:46,291
Dad, you lock your dick up
in a little box that only Mom can open?

371
00:17:46,375 --> 00:17:47,750
Well, not a box exactly.

372
00:17:47,833 --> 00:17:50,250
It's a Bluetooth-enabled device
I wear sometimes

373
00:17:50,333 --> 00:17:53,250
when your mother and I
engage in sensual play.

374
00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:55,916
Oh, this is a new low.

375
00:17:56,000 --> 00:18:00,958
Maybe if your dick wasn't locked up,
you'd be able to satisfy your wife.

376
00:18:01,041 --> 00:18:03,875
Hey, you're the reason
I can't satisfy my wife.

377
00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:08,041
It's been six-and-a-half days
since I've feasted upon her essence.

378
00:18:08,125 --> 00:18:09,125
-Ooh.
-Ew, Dad!

379
00:18:09,208 --> 00:18:13,333
I've never even gone two days before.
Not when I had strep throat.

380
00:18:13,416 --> 00:18:15,875
Not when I was
on a business trip in Seattle.

381
00:18:15,958 --> 00:18:19,250
I flew home every 48 hours
to dine upon Diane.

382
00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:21,333
Shut up, shut up, shut up
about Mom's vagina!

383
00:18:21,416 --> 00:18:23,500
God, my caged cock is quaking.

384
00:18:23,583 --> 00:18:29,416
So, you let the woman
lock up your pathetic little prick, eh?

385
00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:32,500
No wonder she's such a ball-busting hag.

386
00:18:32,583 --> 00:18:33,833
What did you just say?

387
00:18:33,916 --> 00:18:37,458
I said your wife's a bitch.

388
00:18:37,541 --> 00:18:38,833
Diane is God.

389
00:18:39,333 --> 00:18:42,125
Holy shit. Dad, you punched Grandpa.

390
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:43,625
I love you, Dad.

391
00:18:43,708 --> 00:18:45,541
Oh my God. What have I done?

392
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,416
Father, are you okay?

393
00:18:48,291 --> 00:18:50,041
-Well, look at you.
-Here.

394
00:18:50,583 --> 00:18:55,500
William Wallace MacGregor,
welcome home, son.

395
00:18:55,583 --> 00:18:56,458
[chuckles]

396
00:18:56,541 --> 00:18:59,666
-[dance music plays]
-Go, Cyrus. Go, Cyrus. Go, Cyrus, go!

397
00:18:59,750 --> 00:19:03,083
Whoa, I did not see
that no-hands cartwheel coming.

398
00:19:03,166 --> 00:19:05,166
Yeah, that's new.
He's been working on that.

399
00:19:05,250 --> 00:19:06,375
This is the best night

400
00:19:06,458 --> 00:19:10,375
of my already storied
and very fascinating life.

401
00:19:10,458 --> 00:19:12,333
-Us too, sweetie.
-Yeah.

402
00:19:12,416 --> 00:19:15,666
Even if you weren't about to get
a truckload of money from your lawsuit,

403
00:19:15,750 --> 00:19:18,500
we'd still be super psyched
to be your dads.

404
00:19:18,583 --> 00:19:20,666
Well, Dads, that is marvelous news,

405
00:19:20,750 --> 00:19:23,750
because there is no truckload
of money coming.

406
00:19:23,833 --> 00:19:24,958
-What?
-What do you mean?

407
00:19:25,041 --> 00:19:27,833
Well, because I decided
to get my settlement...

408
00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:30,000
Pausing for dramatic effect.

409
00:19:30,083 --> 00:19:33,000
...in Hot Pockets instead. Yay.

410
00:19:33,083 --> 00:19:34,125
You idiot.

411
00:19:34,208 --> 00:19:36,000
How could you fuck us over like this?

412
00:19:36,083 --> 00:19:37,125
Bye, Felicia.

413
00:19:37,208 --> 00:19:40,166
Wait, what?
Dads, why are you saying these things?

414
00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:43,041
Because we're not your real dads, stupid.
We just wanted your money.

415
00:19:43,125 --> 00:19:46,166
Yeah, it was gonna pay
for Bros 4 Life's big comeback.

416
00:19:46,250 --> 00:19:49,125
We already bought
queen-size bunk beds for the loft.

417
00:19:49,208 --> 00:19:51,583
But I thought we were a family.

418
00:19:51,666 --> 00:19:55,000
What about that yarn
that you spun through song?

419
00:19:55,083 --> 00:19:59,125
Uh, it was bullshit.
I couldn't have gotten your mom pregnant.

420
00:19:59,208 --> 00:20:01,750
We only did it in the butt,
Christian-style.

421
00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:04,291
Yeah, and I was castrated in high school
so I could...

422
00:20:04,375 --> 00:20:07,458
♪ Hit those high notes, baby, yeah ♪

423
00:20:07,541 --> 00:20:10,333
And your mom
only gave me a hand job while I wept.

424
00:20:10,416 --> 00:20:11,541
#BornThisWay.

425
00:20:11,625 --> 00:20:14,416
Wait. Don't go. Please.

426
00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:18,041
♪ Girl, we didn't get with your mom ♪

427
00:20:18,125 --> 00:20:21,250
♪ And our love was just part of the con ♪

428
00:20:21,333 --> 00:20:24,250
Well, I hate that
that's gonna be stuck in my head now.

429
00:20:24,333 --> 00:20:28,916
All right, everybody,
God's boyfriend has an announcement now.

430
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,708
What's up, party people?

431
00:20:30,791 --> 00:20:32,375
I know we're having a blast,

432
00:20:32,458 --> 00:20:34,708
but we're here tonight
for a very special reason.

433
00:20:34,791 --> 00:20:36,833
-Whoop, whoop!
-Sacred vows.

434
00:20:36,916 --> 00:20:38,625
That's right, Richard and Richard.

435
00:20:38,708 --> 00:20:42,583
Time for all the dads in the house
to take the purity pledge.

436
00:20:42,666 --> 00:20:43,875
Do what now?

437
00:20:43,958 --> 00:20:46,750
Dad, please don't make
a big deal out of this.

438
00:20:46,833 --> 00:20:49,791
Dearest daughter, on this day,
in front of God,

439
00:20:49,875 --> 00:20:52,666
-I do solemnly swear...
-What? No, no, no, no.

440
00:20:52,750 --> 00:20:55,416
...to protect your virginity.

441
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:58,708
No! Stop it! What are you all doing?

442
00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:01,708
They're just promising God
their daughters won't have S-E-X.

443
00:21:01,791 --> 00:21:03,791
But our daughters aren't helpless objects

444
00:21:03,875 --> 00:21:06,375
that we need to protect
from their own sexuality.

445
00:21:06,458 --> 00:21:07,291
Dad.

446
00:21:07,375 --> 00:21:08,958
They're capable
of making their own choices.

447
00:21:09,041 --> 00:21:10,000
Thank you. Now be quiet.

448
00:21:10,083 --> 00:21:13,833
This is exactly why
I didn't wanna take you to church.

449
00:21:13,916 --> 00:21:15,458
Shout-out to Hozier.

450
00:21:15,541 --> 00:21:19,000
Organized religion
is built around subjugating women.

451
00:21:19,083 --> 00:21:19,958
That's not true.

452
00:21:20,041 --> 00:21:22,458
Christianity's about good works
and community.

453
00:21:22,541 --> 00:21:23,875
Yeah, and loving one another.

454
00:21:23,958 --> 00:21:26,375
You shut your mouth, you little gentleman.

455
00:21:26,458 --> 00:21:29,291
Okay, Dad, you're embarrassing me
in front of my friends.

456
00:21:29,375 --> 00:21:33,916
Well, I don't like Kirk Cameron over here
dragging you into this church nonsense.

457
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:37,041
Piety? Abstinence? He is a bad influence.

458
00:21:37,125 --> 00:21:39,291
Well, you're a closed-minded elitist.

459
00:21:39,375 --> 00:21:41,958
And I wish I'd never invited you
to this dance.

460
00:21:42,041 --> 00:21:43,041
-[cries]
-Missy, wait.

461
00:21:43,125 --> 00:21:47,000
Hey, Richard, congratulations
on marrying your daughter.

462
00:21:47,083 --> 00:21:51,083
Is she, uh, taking your last name
or can I have it?

463
00:21:51,166 --> 00:21:53,625
-[laughing]
-Oh man, what a day.

464
00:21:53,708 --> 00:21:55,916
You really scrambled my eggs, Willy boy.

465
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,791
Dad, what's wrong with your hand?

466
00:21:57,875 --> 00:21:59,500
I punched my father in the face.

467
00:21:59,583 --> 00:22:01,416
-You did what?
-It was awesome.

468
00:22:01,500 --> 00:22:04,750
Dad fucking decked him, and then Grandpa
got up and cleaned the house.

469
00:22:04,833 --> 00:22:07,583
Look at that hole,
black as the ace of spades.

470
00:22:07,666 --> 00:22:08,583
Oh my God.

471
00:22:08,666 --> 00:22:09,916
And I've made a decision.

472
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,375
My father's not moving
into assisted living.

473
00:22:12,458 --> 00:22:15,083
He's staying here with us, permanently.

474
00:22:15,166 --> 00:22:17,375
-Wait, hold on, what?
-I've abandoned him once.

475
00:22:17,458 --> 00:22:18,958
[Scottish accent] I won't do it again.

476
00:22:19,041 --> 00:22:22,458
Excuse me, Elliot, that's not
how we make decisions in this house.

477
00:22:22,541 --> 00:22:24,375
-I wasn't finished, Diane.
-Oh.

478
00:22:24,458 --> 00:22:27,208
Now you march
your beautiful body up those stairs,

479
00:22:27,291 --> 00:22:29,916
because goddamn it, it's time to eat.

480
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,000
Well, okay. I mean, if you say so.

481
00:22:33,083 --> 00:22:34,500
Mom, are you serious?

482
00:22:34,583 --> 00:22:38,166
Leah, we'll deal with your father's
upsetting new personality later.

483
00:22:38,250 --> 00:22:41,333
-Um, Mrs. Birch?
-What, Andrew? What the fuck do you want?

484
00:22:41,416 --> 00:22:45,250
Yeah, I was wondering if you could unlock
your husband's Peenie Prison,

485
00:22:45,333 --> 00:22:47,458
which happens to be on my peenie.

486
00:22:47,541 --> 00:22:49,375
-Oh, Jesus Christ.
-[device unlocks]

487
00:22:49,458 --> 00:22:50,833
Oh! Ooh!

488
00:22:50,916 --> 00:22:52,875
Oh, my weenus can finally breathe.

489
00:22:52,958 --> 00:22:54,416
Get the fuck out of our house.

490
00:22:54,500 --> 00:22:55,416
Yeah, I know.

491
00:22:55,500 --> 00:22:57,375
Okay, I'll see you at school, Nick.

492
00:22:57,458 --> 00:22:59,625
Missy, uh, there you are.

493
00:22:59,708 --> 00:23:02,500
Let's just go home already, okay?
You've made your stupid point.

494
00:23:02,583 --> 00:23:05,750
Listen, I am sorry
I made a scene in there,

495
00:23:05,833 --> 00:23:09,458
but it feels like you just keep changing
in ways that aren't like you.

496
00:23:09,541 --> 00:23:12,208
No, I'm changing in ways
that aren't like you.

497
00:23:12,291 --> 00:23:14,708
You said girls should be allowed
to make their own choices,

498
00:23:14,791 --> 00:23:16,416
so why doesn't that include me?

499
00:23:16,500 --> 00:23:19,291
Well, I guess
if you wanna serve the community

500
00:23:19,375 --> 00:23:21,250
and spend your time with a polite boy

501
00:23:21,333 --> 00:23:23,666
who will never pressure you
into having sex,

502
00:23:23,750 --> 00:23:26,250
I'm just gonna have
to learn to live with that.

503
00:23:26,333 --> 00:23:27,208
Thanks, Dad.

504
00:23:27,916 --> 00:23:29,750
And if anything,
I'm gonna pressure him, so...

505
00:23:29,833 --> 00:23:31,125
I'm sorry, what was that?

506
00:23:32,166 --> 00:23:35,250
[sighs] At least I went for the lump sum.

507
00:23:35,333 --> 00:23:36,583
But sigh.

508
00:23:36,666 --> 00:23:42,000
The heat of this gargantuan Hot Pocket
is the only warmth I deserve.

509
00:23:42,083 --> 00:23:44,625
-[knocking on door]
-Whoever could that be?

510
00:23:44,708 --> 00:23:49,750
More swindlers to re-break
my already very much broken heart?

511
00:23:49,833 --> 00:23:51,916
Hey, Lols. I heard about what happened.

512
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:55,958
Go ahead. Say, "I told you so."
Lord knows I would.

513
00:23:56,041 --> 00:23:59,750
Nah, nah, I came to say I'm sorry.
You deserve better.

514
00:23:59,833 --> 00:24:01,041
Whatever, Rodney.

515
00:24:01,125 --> 00:24:03,750
Your car deserves to smell better.
Beat it.

516
00:24:03,833 --> 00:24:04,666
As you wish.

517
00:24:04,750 --> 00:24:07,000
Your Highness, don't let him leave.

518
00:24:07,083 --> 00:24:09,000
Sir Rodney is a man of valor.

519
00:24:09,083 --> 00:24:11,541
Your most loyal subject.

520
00:24:11,625 --> 00:24:16,916
Absorbing, deciding,
completing emotional arc.

521
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:18,166
Rodney, wait.

522
00:24:18,250 --> 00:24:20,583
I've been taking you for Hugh Granted.

523
00:24:20,666 --> 00:24:21,791
What are you saying, Lols?

524
00:24:21,875 --> 00:24:24,375
I'm saying, I'm just a girl,

525
00:24:24,458 --> 00:24:27,291
standing in front
of her mother's parole officer,

526
00:24:27,375 --> 00:24:31,000
asking him to be her chosen father figure.

527
00:24:31,083 --> 00:24:34,625
Oh, Lola, I feel like
I just got my car detailed.

528
00:24:34,708 --> 00:24:36,583
What do we do now, my chosen daughter?

529
00:24:36,666 --> 00:24:41,166
Obviously, we're gonna sing another song,
you bona fide bozo.

530
00:24:41,250 --> 00:24:43,583
Pay attention. Jesus, Rodney.

531
00:24:43,666 --> 00:24:48,875
♪ I got two gay pubes
To comfort me when I'm lonely ♪

532
00:24:49,791 --> 00:24:54,708
♪ And a kindly loser
Desperate to be my dad ♪

533
00:24:55,750 --> 00:24:57,833
♪ And I'm certain every dude I know ♪

534
00:24:57,916 --> 00:25:00,625
♪ Secretly wants to bone me ♪

535
00:25:02,041 --> 00:25:06,708
♪ Compared to mine
Your lives must be totally sad ♪

536
00:25:06,791 --> 00:25:08,458
♪ 'Cause I'm fucking Lola ♪

537
00:25:08,541 --> 00:25:10,791
♪ She's fucking Lola ♪

538
00:25:10,875 --> 00:25:12,958
♪ I'm a powerhouse dynamo ♪

539
00:25:13,041 --> 00:25:14,458
♪ So fucking Lola ♪

540
00:25:14,541 --> 00:25:16,708
♪ So fucking Lola ♪

541
00:25:16,791 --> 00:25:19,708
♪ I'm the breakout star of the show ♪

542
00:25:19,791 --> 00:25:22,583
-♪ She won't ask to be forgiven ♪
-Huh-uh.

543
00:25:22,666 --> 00:25:24,750
♪ We don't expect an apology ♪

544
00:25:24,833 --> 00:25:25,750
♪ No way ♪

545
00:25:25,833 --> 00:25:31,708
♪ I'm just crassly, brashly
Unabashedly me ♪

546
00:25:31,791 --> 00:25:33,875
[chorus] ♪ Who's her own biggest fan? ♪

547
00:25:33,958 --> 00:25:35,041
Lola.

548
00:25:35,125 --> 00:25:36,750
[chorus] ♪ Who's no one louder than? ♪

549
00:25:36,833 --> 00:25:37,750
Lola.

550
00:25:37,833 --> 00:25:39,833
[chorus]
♪ Who's the chick voiced by a man? ♪

551
00:25:39,916 --> 00:25:41,458
That's me.

552
00:25:41,541 --> 00:25:45,250
-♪ I'm fucking Lola ♪
-♪ She's fucking Lola ♪

553
00:25:45,333 --> 00:25:47,541
♪ I'm a champion, I'm a goddess ♪

554
00:25:47,625 --> 00:25:51,166
-♪ I'm fucking Lola ♪
-♪ So fucking Lola ♪

555
00:25:51,250 --> 00:25:54,541
♪ I'm the baddest, raddest, hottest ♪

556
00:25:54,625 --> 00:26:01,625
♪ Bow down before your queen ♪

557
00:26:02,208 --> 00:26:03,125
Oh.

558
00:26:03,208 --> 00:26:05,125
[pop music continues]

558
00:26:06,305 --> 00:27:06,356
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