[clanking]
[gasps] Oh my God. What's that? Is it a robber?
Let's kill the motherfucker.
Whoa. Okay. I guess let's interrupt a home invasion.
If the robber's handsome, I'm gonna kiss him while he's dying.
Ooh, I can't wait to see this asshole's skull explode.
Get him, Jessi.
-Dad? -Jessi.
-What's going on? -I totally forgot you were here.
Oh, that's cool.
I mean, I thought you were with your mom this weekend.
-Oh, Greg, let's go. -Right. Um, Caitlin's water broke.
-Really? -She's going into labor early.
Oh my God. Wow. Should I get my coat? Let's go.
Just call your mom to get you, Jelly Bean.
-Oh. -My God, we're having a baby!
[laughs] They totally forgot you existed.
-Montel. -What? It's true.
-Yes, but sometimes it's better to lie. -Huh.
Jessi, your dad still loves you and remembers you exist.
-Also, your boobs aren't lopsided. -Um...
The bigger one's probably just infected.
Good lie, Montel.
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
♪ Oh, in my life ♪
♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪
Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP
-Whoa, that hair fork you got me... -It's a brush, honey.
Well, whatever it's called, it really works.
Check it out, I look like a small-business owner.
You look adorable.
Now let's go. I'm craving a strawberry poppy seed salad.
Oh no, no, no, Matthew, I can't go into Panera.
The Sorcerers of the Square Table banished me.
Oh, come on. Those fucking losers don't own this Panera.
-They barely own their own dignity. -Hello, Jay.
Oh, hello, Todd. You're looking well.
Hey. Hey, Matt, if you had to hook up with one of these guys,
which one would it be?
Ugh, Maury, I'm not playing that game.
For me, it would be The Magnificent Gary, no doubt.
I want him to tickle my colon with that long fingernail.
Ooh, so, uh, Todd, are you guys setting up for an evening of amazement or something?
[chuckles] Oh, we've been granted a residency at this Panera.
It's called AbraPanera Night.
Damn, that's a good name.
Ladies and gentlemen.
For our first magical feat...
We shall send The Magnificent Gary to another dimension.
The Bread Bowl Realm.
[adventurous music plays]
-Magic. -Sex.
And flatbread pizza.
-AbraPanera. -[applause]
Well, now I'm jealous of Gary, because he got the hell outta here.
And now we shall return him to this earthly fast-casual restaurant.
Huh!
Oh no. Oh no! Oh no!
Only his finger has returned from the Bread Bowl Realm.
Oh shit. Gary's trapped between worlds.
Oh, come on, Jay. None of this is real. And these guys are fucking losers.
Look, Todd is hyperventilating into a bread bowl.
Oh.
Well, 99% of his best friend just disappeared.
Okay, for just a second, let's say Gary really is gone.
-Who cares? -But he...
Trust me, these guys are sad dorks, and you're better off without them, babe.
You're right.
I mean, you were right about the hair fork.
It's still a brush.
So you must be right about the sorcerers.
They're pedophiles.
Oh, Bernie Sanders.
You chewed up our heart and spat it into the mouth of another man.
But at least my mom is home.
Who cares? They're fighting more than ever.
The peas are dry.
The peas are peas, Marty.
Make your own damn dinner if you don't like it.
That's exactly what I was doing
when you went on your little "vacation."
Oh, Daddy, why? Your words, they're bad.
Vacation?!
You went flitting off to your sister's to eat bonbons,
and you left me at home with our depraved son.
Well, he is the only reason I'm back.
This is it, Flanny. They're gonna get divorced, I know it.
I'm gonna be a pitiful baby boy from a broken home,
selling my ass at gas stations.
Stu, you're still on God's green earth. Can't you do something?
[groans] I don't know, Flanny.
I've been sharing a roof with a sex freak all alone, Barbara.
I don't feel safe in my own home.
[sighs] Broken-home sex-freak gas-station whore.
Oh, that sounds like a Billy Joel lyric.
Look at him, Stu. The boy's in pain.
You've got to get your client to show one iota of love.
Do you think you can do it?
[groans] Maybe.
That's my guy.
-[Stu gasps] -Look at you. You're a dynamo.
I don't know, Flanny. He looks pretty, you know, fucked up and weak.
I know, but sometimes it's just better to lie.
That's not great.
Oh, hey, Jelly Bean.
Come meet Delilah.
Oh my God. Delilah.
They're so cute.
They opened me, and they took a person out.
Oh, Caitlin, are you okay?
My organs were on a table next to me.
She's still a little loopy from the C-section drugs.
But yeah, they did take out her guts, and I did pass out.
Of course he did.
[in baby voice] Yes, I did. Daddy fainted and hit his head real hard.
It's really cool to see you so happy, Dad.
Thanks, Jess. I'm gonna do it right this time.
-Uh... -The fuck does that mean, Greg?
-[Delilah] Hey, Jessi. -What?
[Delilah] Thanks for breaking in Daddy for me.
Was that... the baby?
Don't you just love her, Jess?
[Delilah] Yeah, don't you just love me?
Yeah, of course I do.
It would be weird if I was, like, afraid of a newborn, right? [chuckles]
[Delilah] Oh, I'm not scary, Jessi.
Now take me back to your house forever.
[moans] Mm.
Warm.
Whoa. Ah!
Oh, mama.
This is the gushiest wet dream I've ever had.
Oh, hold on, Andy.
I'm afraid that is not a wet dream.
Oh, is it blood?
This here is a classic after-hours piss party.
And not the kind I used to go to at Tommy Lee's house.
Boy, those were fun.
Oh no. I went pee-pee in my sleepy.
Okay, don't try to make it cute, Andrew.
You're 13. This is very sad.
Oh, but it rhymed.
♪ Wake up, wake up, my sweet little dove ♪
♪ It's time to greet Daddy With bushels of love ♪
[gasps] Jesus Christ, Dad. What the hell?
It's five in the morning.
That's right, you little sheep fucker.
We're gonna start training today.
We'll twist each other's nipplets till the sun rises.
-Are you insane? -No, I'm revitalized.
Ever since I punched your grandfather in the face,
I've felt so strong and powerful.
Good for you, but I'm going back to sleep.
Have fun squeezing Grandpa's old tits.
Hey. I am not fucking around, Nicholas.
-Fucking? -Nicholas?!
You heard your dad.
[in Scottish accent] Get your doaty ass out of bed.
-What is going on in here? -The boy's being a right little shit.
Elliot, what has gotten into you?
He finally got his testicles back
from the jar you've been keeping them in.
That's right, Diane.
There's a new sheriff in town, and he is tough on titties. Come on.
Ow! Oh my God, what the fuck?
Okay, so I'm gonna throw the pee-pee sheets in this big white box.
-Right. -And I press all the buttons.
So you can wake up the lady who lives in there
so that she can wash them.
-Andrew! -Dad!
Why are you touching an appliance?
-I'm just, uh... -Is that urine?
Oh God, did you wet your bed?
It's never happened before. I don't...
Wait, is this a sad thing or a pervert thing?
What? Me? [chuckles] A pervert?
Don't you try fooling me.
I know all about golden showers, you sicko.
What is going on out here?
Andrew pissed the bed
and ruined a good set of bad Costco sheets.
Well, if he's wetting the bed,
it's because of all the stress you put him under.
Me?! The kid's probably urinating in his sleep because you left us.
Oh no, Andrew, they're dragging you into their argument.
It's coming.
Ah, Jesus Christ. Not on the carpet.
-Oh God. -Oh no.
I'm gonna rub his face in it, make him learn.
-Marty, stop. -Nah, you're right.
He'd probably like that. Wouldn't you, Mr. Peepee?
Oh, I can't stop it.
How do you have more piss to give?
I've never even seen you take a sip of water.
Uh, there's water in soda.
He needs professional help, Marty.
Nope, no way. Sounds expensive.
[gasps] Come on, Marty.
[gasps] Just try. For Barbara.
Ugh! Fine, all right. We'll fix your incontinent son.
All right, Stu.
[grunting]
Oh gosh.
Oh, was Stu's brain always visible?
-No, that's new. -[Stu groaning]
[bell rings]
Oh, I can't wait to smooch your nummy lips again, Elijah.
Move that kiss two feet south, and we're off to the races. Mm!
Mm! Ah!
Oh, Elijah. Hi.
Oh, uh, hey, Missy.
It was really fun, uh, "talking" the other night.
Yeah, I liked the, uh, words part too.
Do you maybe wanna come over this weekend for vegan pizza?
And, um, I don't know. Dot, dot, dot?
-Oh boy. -The girl's insatiable.
Dots are suggestive.
Uh, hey, guys. What do I say?
I think you gotta tell her you're asexual.
No. No way. She won't understand.
Why not?
Because people don't get asexuality, Joe.
That's true. Humans can be close-minded.
I'm telling you, Elijah, sometimes it's better to lie.
[sighs] Okay.
Yeah, pizza would be great.
That's a dot-dot date.
So, after some light wrestling and a lot of crying,
my dad got the diaper on me, and here we are.
[yawns]
I don't even have the energy to make fun of you.
I've been up since five
getting my nipples pinched by two male members of my family.
Oh, our parents are so fucked up.
[sleepily] It's honestly a miracle that we're so well-adjusted.
Anyway, I gotta change my diapey before homeroom.
This one's a soaker.
I'm sorry, babe. You said this is called a "canopener"?
Yeah, you don't even have to use your teeth at all.
-Magic. -Sex.
And flatbread pizza.
Whoa! I'm so, um... not amazed.
Or erect, for that matter.
Jay, we've yet to find The Magnificent Gary,
so we'd like to offer you his place in The Square.
Sweet shit on a hotplate! Are you serious?
Uh, babe, I can't believe I even have to say this,
but that offer sucks.
Interesting angle.
You don't wanna be the new Gary.
Gary is just a finger now.
-Well, Jay? -Uh...
Do you want back in?
No, of course, he doesn't.
And you creeps should not be allowed in the school.
[sighs] Gentlemen, I'm afraid I must pass.
Jay.
For, you see, I am no longer a magician.
I am now a fancy gay boyfriend
who knows about exotic kitchen tools like canopeners. Heard of it?
Wow, Jay.
I always thought you'd die alone like the rest of us.
Abra-ca-devastated.
Congratulations, Matthew. You've done the impossible.
You actually tamed Jay Bilzerian.
What? No, I'm not trying to tame him.
Yeah, he's making me better.
I want to be domesticated.
Ooh. Let's not say domesticated.
I don't wanna do cool things, or be free,
or run nude in the woods until I lose consciousness for days.
-Uh, Jay, back that up. -I'm not a wolf anymore, Jessi.
I'm a swan. Dinner party swan. [imitates swan call]
Oh God, Matthew.
You've made a wolf think he wants to be a swan.
-It's unnatural. -[sighs] I know.
Hey, babe, look. I used the canopener.
And I'm thinking I might heat these lentils up
and pour them into a bowel.
[Matthew] Uh...
Oh, hey, Jess. Come hold Delilah.
Oh, that's okay.
My hands are still covered in school bus, so...
-Oh, okay. Here we are. -[Delilah cries]
Damn, the second you touched that little shit machine, it went crazy.
Connie, could you help, please? What do I do?
Uh, you could cover its nose and its mouth at the same time?
[Delilah] It's over for you, bitch.
-What did you say? -Oh shit.
The baby said, "Bitch."
[Delilah] This is my family now, and I don't want a bitch sister.
Jessi, this baby's the devil.
Here, Dad, just take it.
-What? You don't wanna... -Just take the baby, please.
-But... -Whoa. Are you okay, Jess?
[Delilah] Yeah, Jess, you okay?
You okay with me stealing your family?
I gotta leave. Right now.
[Delilah] Fuck you, Jessi.
You shut the fuck up, Beelzel-baby.
-The power of Connie compels you. -[giggles]
Andrew, why don't you tell the doctor what's wrong?
[clears throat] Well, Your Honor, I cannot stop pee-peeing in my pants.
-She's not a judge, you idiot. -Stop yelling at him.
You're gonna make him urinate himself again.
Andrew, may I ask, when did this issue start?
Well, things have been tough at home.
-His father makes him very anxious. -I do not.
His mother abandoning us is what makes the kid anxious.
Goddamn it, Marty.
You never let me speak. That's why I left.
Oh, please. You don't know why you left.
Marty, you seem to be carrying a lot of anger.
[laughs] You think?
He also has big problems expressing his feelings.
Unless they're negative.
Also, his nuts.
Andrew, tell her about his nuts, for they are just too big.
Okay, that's it. I'm not paying $300 an hour
to hear how I've supposedly wronged all you people.
See? This is exactly what I'm talking about.
He is impossible to talk to.
I don't need this.
Please, stay.
This could be our last chance. [coughs]
All right, fine. You win.
I'm gonna do therapy.
-Okay, then. -Oh, thank God.
Your father is finally going to open up.
Yeah, but do we really wanna see what's inside?
It's all balls, Andrew.
It's all balls and balls-related material.
Okay. So, when Missy goes to kiss you, what are you gonna say?
I'm sorry, Missy. I wanna kiss you so bad,
but I ate some mud, and now I have four canker sores?
It's the perfect lie.
Who would say they ate mud if they didn't eat mud?
I don't know, guys.
What if you just told her what's going on with you?
But I have no idea how to talk to Missy about that.
You just need to tell her you don't wanna kiss again.
But what if Missy doesn't wanna date him anymore?
Exactly. And I really like her.
Plus, the girl's an out-of-control masturbator.
I mean, you think asexuality's gonna make sense
to someone who can't stop flicking her own bean?
I don't know what that means.
Yeah, another time.
Elijah, Missy will get it.
You guys get each other. It's why you're so good together.
Joe's right.
I'm just gonna rip off the Band-Aid and tell Missy
I'm asexual.
Wait, wait, wait. I got a better idea.
You accuse her of eating a bunch of mud. It's brilliant.
-You say you can smell it on her breath. -Gil.
I just feel like there's something there with the mud.
[Leah] This is spooky.
Dad has never been late for dinner.
Yeah, he's usually here waiting to welcome us into the dining room,
like a weird butler.
Fuck. I am starving. Let's eat.
You're not gonna give your usual toast?
About how our love nurtures your body more than food ever could?
No more toasts, Diane.
That was Soft Daddy. I am Hard Daddy now.
Don't love that name.
And Hard Daddy has a very exciting announcement.
I'm getting back into professional nipple-twisting.
-What? -Oh God.
-No. -Let yer dad speak.
Weekends will be spent traveling to twisting tournaments as a family.
-Elliot, I... -Diane, I am not finished.
Hard Daddy has the floor.
Stop calling yourself that.
Now I will have nipple friends.
Strange men coming by the house to grab my breasts.
-Nice. -And Nicky will be training with me
until he's ready to compete himself.
-What? -It'll take a while.
The boy's teats are as soft as peaches.
Ow! Mom.
Elliot, this is not how we make decisions in this house.
We talk about things, and then decide together.
No. That's not how we'd do it.
We'd talk about things and then do whatever you wanted,
and then I would eat you out for upwards of three hours.
But now, everyone in this family can suck my dick.
-[gasps] -Go ahead, Nick. Suck Dad's dick.
I gotta get the fuck to college.
So, Marty, tell me.
What do you think the problem is with your marriage?
It's simple. Barbara's changed.
Ever since she decided to go full Jew,
nothing's good enough for her anymore.
And now our son is leaking like an unplugged mini fridge.
Oh, good, I was hoping he'd drag me back into it.
That's not true, Marty.
-You're the one who changed first. -Bull crap.
You think I would've married this version of you?
You used to be sweet.
-You used to be thoughtful. -Go to her.
She's someone special.
Oh, it's okay.
It's all right. It's just a fender bender.
[Barbara] You used to surprise me.
Oh, what's this for, Marty?
Because I love ya.
Well, I love you in those spicy little corduroys.
[Barbara] You even used to woo me.
Mm, Barbara, my egg roll is ready to be crisped in the oven.
Oh, Marty.
[both moaning]
I can't believe it. Marty Glouberman was a romantic?
Incredible.
And how did he stuff his giant balls into those Daisy Dukes?
Or is it David Dukes?
No, no, no, that can't be right.
Thank you for sharing those beautiful memories, Barbara.
You see, Marty, love needs to be nurtured to stay alive.
Marty, why did you stop nurturing our love?
Because we're grownups.
I shouldn't have to woo you anymore.
We're married for Chrissake.
I've made a living. I've been faithful.
I've tolerated your deranged son.
And suddenly, after 20 years,
you decide that what we have is no good anymore?
No, Marty, you take me for granted.
And I've actually been unhappy for a very long time.
Since when?
Which season of the show? Season 3? Season 2?
Since... the pilot.
[gasps] The very first episode?
Oh no. My penis is crying again.
-Oh dear. -Permission to adjourn, Your Honor?
-[Delilah crying] -Oh.
[Delilah] Jessi.
-Jessi. -Shh. Please.
[Delilah] You know love is finite, right?
-Stop it. -[Delilah] And I'm gonna take all of it.
Yum, yum, yum.
-Just stop it, Delilah. -[crying]
Jess, yelling at the baby isn't gonna help.
-We've already tried that. -Ugh, we can't seem to settle her down.
That's because it's a rotten baby.
-Jessi. -You heard me.
You got a bad baby. Real bad.
I wish it was otherwise, but it's a shitty baby.
If I were you, I'd give it to someone you hate.
-Jessi, that's enough. Go to your room. -[sobs]
[chuckles] Okay. You're suddenly a dad now?
I am serious, young lady. Go. Right now.
[Delilah] It's all happening, Jessi.
-I'm so adorable and full of potential. -[sighs]
[Delilah] I shit my pants and they just cheer me on.
Would they cheer for you if you shit your pants, Jessi?
Would they?
No. No, they wouldn't.
[Delilah cackles]
[Nick] Hey, Mom?
Yeah? Oh, hi, Nicky.
Um, what are we gonna do about Hard Daddy?
I don't know if you've noticed, but he's kind of fucking terrible.
Yeah, I, uh... I have no ideas.
Oh, Rick, this is all my fault.
Now I have a hard daddy and a soft mommy.
And a medium rare hormone monster.
What, like brown on the outside and pink in the middle?
Oh, looks like someone's seen my butthole.
You show it to me every night before I go to bed.
It's cute. It's our ritual.
[groaning]
[classical music plays]
[Matthew humming]
-[Jay] Hey, Matthew. -[gasps]
[imitating swan calls]
Check it out. I'm a swan now too.
No, Jay, you're not supposed to be a swan.
You're a wolf. A good wolf.
Nah, being a wolf sucks.
Let's ballet, bitches.
[imitates swan call]
Jay, no.
[grunts] Oh shit.
I'm sinking. Save me, swan brothers and sisters.
Pietro. Alessandro.
Not Mr. Feathers.
[squawking]
Are you happy now, Matthew?
[panting]
Maury, Jessi was right.
I've totally domesticated Jay.
Oh, I can't believe I'm saying this, Matt,
but you might need to set that big, bad, beautiful wolf free.
[groans] But I don't want to.
Well, Mr. Feathers didn't wanna die
but he needed to so that you might have this revelation.
And we thank Mr. Feathers for his sacrifice.
[Missy] So...
-I have a mouth, and you have a mouth. -Yeah.
What should we do with our two mouths that we both have?
Have an honest conversation about why you don't wanna make out?
Tell a mud-based lie and run?
Why isn't he making a move, Mona?
Do I have Impossible Sausage breath?
Who cares? French the boy.
Get his impossible sausage on your breath.
Yeah, okay.
-Oh, I... -Oh, I'm sorry.
-Did I... -No, it's me.
-I... -I'm sorry.
-Tell her. She'll understand. -No, she'll dump you. Lie.
What the fuck is going on, you two wankers?
-Uh, I ate mud. -Yeah, yeah. Uh, we both ate mud.
-We ate a bunch of mud out of the ground. -Ugh.
I'm sorry, Missy. I... I gotta go.
Wait, why? Talk to me.
I'm sorry. I just can't.
Oh, Mona.
Elijah obviously thinks I'm ugly and gross and unkissable.
Oh, to be so horny, but so unlovable.
It's truly Shakespearean, darling.
Things were so much simpler
back when I just had a crush on Nathan Fillion.
The, uh, Caucasian gentleman who's the same age as your dad?
Oh, look at you, Nathan, you magnificent lion of a man.
I bet you never craved someone who didn't crave you back.
Well, actually, Missy,
you're 100% right.
I haven't known an empty bed since B.F.
-That's Before Firefly. -Before Firefly?
Yeah, I know.
Oh, Missy, I hate to see you so forlorn.
Would you like me to pull aside the collar of my shirt
so you can see my bare shoulder?
Yes, please.
Ah!
-There it is, a little bit of Nathan meat. -Thank you.
Une filet du Fillion.
-So, I was reading the local paper today... -I'm sorry. You were reading?
There's an estate sale we simply must check out.
Are you in the market for a French country hutch?
The boy wants to go antiquing, Matt.
You've gotta release him back into the wild.
I know.
But maybe we should get a little more info on this hutch first?
-Matt. -Okay, you're right.
[groans]
-Listen, Jay. -Matthew, please. Call me Jaynathan.
I can't.
And as much as we like each other,
I'm afraid a wolf and a swan just aren't meant to be together.
Uh, duh. That's why I'm changing myself completely.
Right, but you shouldn't have to. It's not fair.
But I'm having a great time.
You're Liberace. I'm Matt Damon. Groom me.
Jay watched Behind the Candelabra?
Oh God, this is worse than I thought.
Maury, what do I do? He doesn't want to be free.
[sighs] Sometimes it's better to lie.
Right. [sighs]
The thing is, Jay, I don't like you anymore.
What? I don't believe you.
You're just doing what Nicole Kidman did to Ewan McGregor.
Oh, Jesus, he watched Moulin Rouge too?
This is the gayest breakup I've ever seen.
I don't like you.
-That's not true. -It is.
-I don't like that you fuck pillows. -I don't anymore.
-I don't like that you're a wolf. -I'm not. I'm a swan now, remember?
[imitates swan call]
And most of all, I don't like that you're a magician.
But that's the thing. I'm not a magician anymore.
No, you'll always be a magician. It's in your bones.
So? I'll take out my bones,
and you can wrap me around your neck like a pashmina.
I'll keep your neck warm.
Oh, goddamn it, Matt. Put this beautiful boy out of his misery.
Jay, it's over. Now get.
-What? -You heard me. Go on. Get.
No, please.
Get. Get out of here, you. Get.
Go on, now. Back into the woods where you belong.
Matthew!
I said... get.
[weeping]
[screams]
Devastated wolf!
Devastated swan.
Andrew, I hate to say it,
but I don't think your father has what it takes to save this marriage.
[groans] I wish there was something I could do.
But I'm just a helpless boy in a very wet adult diaper.
♪ Helpless ♪
♪ To control the shitty things Your parents do ♪
♪ Helpless ♪
♪ To bring back The gentle dad that you once knew ♪
♪ Helpless ♪
♪ When you realize You're too hideous to be kissed ♪
♪ Helpless ♪
♪ To revive the love You never knew you missed ♪
♪ Joy is fleeting, love's a lie ♪
♪ The world is cruel, we're born to die ♪
♪ If only there was something You could do ♪
♪ But you're so helpless ♪
I wish my dad could stop being such an asshole.
I wish I had my parents back.
I wish I was irresistible.
I wish my dad loved me the way he loves that stupid baby.
I wish I wasn't me.
[howls]
[cries]
[sad music plays]
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