I wish my dad could stop being such an asshole.
I wish I had my parents back.
I wish my dad loved me the way he loves that stupid baby.
I wish I was irresistible.
I wish I wasn't me.
[chimes tinkle]
[panting]
[Marty] What?
Wait a minute. What am I doing on the couch?
And why do my nuts feel so heavy?
Oh, Jesus, no!
Oh my God! I look like my dad.
[gasps]
And I sound like him too.
Holy shit. Andrew?
Maury, I'm my dad.
Oh no. Oh me. Oh my.
How did this happen?
I don't know.
But if you're in your dad's body, then... then who's in yours?
Why the hell is my penis so short and fat?
Dad? Is that you?
-Andrew? -Dad, you're me.
Nuh-uh. You're me.
What's going on?
Oh, baby Jesus and all my infant gods.
They've Freaky Friday'd.
Freaky, my ass. This is a fucked-up Friday.
This is your fault.
Who me? Me me, or you me?
You me. It's you me's fault.
-You big little pervert. -Aw.
[phone ringing]
[Andrew as Marty] Mrs. Birch, I need to talk to Nick.
Marty?
No. I mean, yes.
Yeah. I mean... Would you just put Nick on, please?
Nick, Andrew's dad is on the phone for you.
Mr. Glouberman?
Oh, Sorry, Grandpa MacGregor, I needed to talk to Nick.
This is Nick.
Wait. Why is my voice so weird?
And why do I feel my skeleton?
Aw, shit.
Nick, it happened to you too.
-[Nick as Seamus] What happened? -This is Andrew.
I woke up in my dad's body.
What? What are you talking about?
Just go look in the mirror.
[grunting]
Ah! My face. My body.
Oh, shit, Nick. You turned into a California Raisin.
I'm my fucking grandpa.
Oh God. Do you think this has happened to anyone else?
[Jessi] Where am I? Why can't I move?
-[baby cries] -[Jessi] I can't speak. What's going on?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. It's okay, Delilah.
Mommy and Daddy are here, sweet boo-boo.
-[Jessi] What? -Holy shit, Jessi.
You're the baby, baby.
[Jessi] Oh fuck. So is the baby me?
Oh my God, Jessi. [gasps]
Did your mom hide her tranquilizers in your Children's Tylenol bottle?
Um, been there.
[laughs]
Genuine LOL.
You are hilarious when you're tranqued out.
[Jay] Yes. My wish came true.
I'm not me. I'm Coach Steve.
Yay, I'm Coach Steve too.
-[Jay] Wait a minute, what? -I'm sorry.
Was I supposed to leave when you came into my body?
I didn't understand the assignment.
[Jay] Oh shit, we're brain buddies.
Do we both control your body? How does it work?
Oh, look, look. I got the right side.
And I've got The Blind Side on DVD if you wanna, you know, hang out.
[Jay] Uh, yeah, as long as I'm not stupid shitty-ass me.
But hold on, then. Where is you?
[Jay] Who cares?
I ran into the woods and passed out. Fuck my old body.
All right.
Holy shit, Missy.
You're Nathan fucking Fillion.
Oh my gosh.
I'm stuck in his gorgeous mountain of a body.
You sure are.
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God, what do I do?
Quick. Feel your own buttocks.
Mona, this is serious.
-But so is this can, eyebrows, eyebrows. -[knock on door]
Uh, Mr. Fillion, they're ready for you on set.
Be there in a minute,
because I'm Canadian beefcake Nathan Fillion,
not a terrified teenage girl touching my own butt. [chuckles]
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
♪ Oh, in my life ♪
♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪
Oh, Dad, what are we gonna tell Mom?
Nothing. We have to keep this a secret.
Andrew, your salami and eggs are getting ice cold.
Come down for breakfast.
Okay, Mom.
Ugh, Marty, why are you calling me Mom?
What this idiot means is
I'll be right down,
because I'm your disgusting pervert son. Let's go.
Ugh, don't talk like your father, Andrew.
One Marty is more than I want.
Dad, what do we do?
I can't go to school like this.
No shit, you tall moron.
Until we figure out how to fix this,
you go to my job, and I go to your school.
What? Why?
'Cause that's what they do in these movies!
Oh, what the hell, Nicky? Are you drinking a beer?
Bugger off, princess. I'm not your pansy son.
Excuse me?
I don't like the way your grandfather is rubbing off on you.
Now brush your fucking teeth and get to school.
-Wait! No, don't do that. -Stay out of this.
But I'm not Grandpa. I'm your son.
Shut up, both of you. I don't like this joke.
Fuck you, woman. Get your bloody hands off me.
-Hey, Dad. -Huh?
When I get home tonight, I'm gonna twist those nipples so hard,
you're gonna look like a breast-feeding street dog.
-But I'm not... -[barks]
[screams]
Hard Daddy out.
Oh, okay. I think I get it now, man.
Okay, so you're Nick, and I'm Nick, and everybody's Nick.
And this is Nick at Nite on Roku.
[bell rings]
-Uh, Mr. Glouberman? -Yeah.
I'm stuck in this little perv's body. Who the hell are you?
It's Nick. Have you seen... me?
What do you mean, me? You're you.
Why is everybody stupid today?
It's a classic body swap.
For you see, I'm not a young girl.
I'm, in fact, TV's Nathan Fillion trapped in a young girl's budding body.
That's disgusting.
Thank you. I know all about body swaps
from a pilot I did for NBC called Oopsie Daddy.
Okay, so how do we swap back?
Well, we each need to learn a life lesson to...
Learn a lesson?!
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard,
and I went to Drew Carey's Ted Talk.
Hey, Missy, can we talk for a sec?
Oh, I'm sorry, young man.
I'm off to learn something critical about myself.
Enjoy your schooling and watch The Rookie, Sundays on ABC, at 10/9 Central.
Oh, thank God, Jessi. Do you know where Jay is?
I haven't seen him since I shattered his self-esteem
and he ran into the woods.
-Oh my God. -[cries]
Oh, please. Grow up, Matthew.
It's perfectly normal to absolutely obliterate your pants
when you're geeked up on tranqs.
This one, that one.
-This one, that one. That one. -[Jay] Whoa, Steve. We're doing it.
Oof-magoof, walking's hard.
Well, Coach Steve seems normal,
but everybody else is acting very strange.
Come on, lady, where do you hide your booze? Cough it up.
Grandpa, listen, we need to learn some stupid lesson
so we can switch back to our own bodies.
-Fuck you. My old body's shite. -Wait, no!
I'm gonna go find a goddamn bar that'll serve a child.
Ugh.
-[baby crying] -[Jessi groans]
Dad, help. I'm trapped in the baby's body.
Oh, does my little chunky monkey want a little tubby wubby?
[Jessi] No, no, no. No, thank you.
No daddy washy assy.
[Jessi] Oh God, this is so embarrassing.
-Here we go. -[Jessi] Wait.
-I don't want... -[Greg] And bloop.
Oh.
[Jessi] Oh, this actually feels nice.
How's the water, kiddo?
[Jessi] Uh...
Yeah, get that warm water all up in your neck rolls.
♪ Baby, do you like that? Yes, yes, yes ♪
-Boop. -[Jessi] Connie, I could get used to this.
There ain't no bubble bath like a baby bubble bath, baby.
[Andrew] Guys, I've been looking around for 20 minutes.
I still have no idea what my dad's job is.
Why does he have dog food cans all over his desk?
And a machete in his filing cabinet?
-What? A machete? -[knock on door]
Good morning, Marty.
Oh, my dad's associate, Susan.
I mean, my associate, Susan. I mean, Susan.
Wow, the Susan.
This is such an honor.
I've seen you in all of Andrew's jerk-off fantasies.
I'd say my personal favorite is "Andrew Gets Fucked at the Beach."
Are you ready for the presentation?
The presentation. Of course, yes. Of course, yes.
Yes, let me just get my... my dog food together?
Okay...
Quick, Andrew. Masturbate to Susan with your father's dick.
-What? -Absolutely not.
Oh, you think he should fuck Susan with his dad's dick,
-because I'd love that. -Maury!
His parents' marriage is already in shambles.
[gasps] Wait a minute.
Maybe we could use your father's body to woo your mother back
with a romantic gesture like we learned about in therapy.
Boring.
No, Flanny's right.
This is my chance to get my parents back together.
-[Susan] Marty? -Who?
They're in the conference room waiting.
I'm so sorry, Susan, but I have to go home and woo my mom.
I mean, my wife.
Okay...
Quick, before we go, beg Susan to fuck you,
just like in "Andrew Begs to Get Fucked."
Another personal favorite.
And... action.
Morning, chief. Uh, what are we looking at?
Bad news, Nolan.
Kid was found sliced ear to ear with a bread knife
and this rusty bike horn shoved up his ass.
-[horn honks] -Hmm, Still works.
I'm sorry, I don't... I don't think I can do this.
Uh, no, Nathan.
Your line is, "I can do this forever. I love being a cop."
I am so sorry.
Violence makes me barf.
And I can't even pretend to hold a gun. So...
Nathan, where are you going?
Taxi.
One adult, please.
To Bridgeton Middle School.
[whistle blows]
[Jay] Come on. Tell them, Steve.
The little boy inside me
wants you to run laps with your butts hanging out.
[Amazing Paul] Ha, ha!
We are the Sorcerers of the Square Table.
Whoa, cool. Adult men.
[Jay] No, not cool. These guys are losers.
We are looking for the schoolchild known as Jay Bilzerian.
He's the only magician skilled enough
to help us bring back The Magnificent Gary.
Who is trapped in The Bread Bowl Realm.
[grunts]
[screams]
Jay, you gotta go do magic so that guy doesn't become cheese.
[Jay] No! I'm not a magician anymore.
Matthew was right. Being Jay sucked.
Don't you dare talk about my best friend and body roommate like that.
[Jay] I'll say whatever I want about my shitty self.
Not while you're sitting at a little table in my tummy.
[Jay] It's my tummy too.
Ow! My restaurant.
[rock music plays]
Yeah, that's it. Give her a good scrub.
Ooh, yeah, swing those big old balls for Mommy.
Oh, they're so much heavier when they're wet.
Marty? What are you doing?
Nothing. Just washing your car.
You know, like I used to do.
You haven't done something like this in years.
And look, you still have your spicy little shorts.
Yeah, and they're chock-full of nuts.
Maury, I'm going to hell.
What the hell is that depraved sicko doing with my body?
Shut up. Barbara doesn't look like she hates you.
So now that I've wooed you, can we be married again?
Excuse me?
You know, like you said in family therapy.
I fixed everything.
What? No.
Washing my car once doesn't fix anything.
What do you want me to do?
Clean the microwave? I'll do it nude.
Ugh! You've clearly learned nothing.
Great job, schmendrick. You blew it.
-Wait. Uh, Mom. -Ugh!
And stop calling me Mom.
Yeah, what are you, Mike Pence?
[Jessi] Mm, Connie, I feel like a little mummy.
Oh, yeah, all swaddled up like a baby burrito.
[Jessi] Ow! All of a sudden, my stomach is killing me.
-[crying] -Oh, you probably got that baby gas.
You still don't know how to use that brand new butthole.
Okay, Greg, what's going on?
[Jessi] I have gas, Dad.
It feels like I swallowed a square bowling ball.
[Greg] I don't know. Maybe she's hungry again?
Uh, okay, all right. I'm gonna try feeding her.
Yuh-oh, Stepmom titty, incoming.
[Jessi] No, I don't want your boob in my mouth.
Uh, she's not latching.
Jam it in there. Don't give her the option.
[Jessi] Get that away from me.
Fucking burp me.
We will also accept a fart.
And so Jay is now my body brother,
but he didn't wanna come here because he's not a musician anymore.
[Jay] Uh, no, Steve. I didn't wanna come because magic sucks rock-hard shit.
Hey, oh. Stop hitting myself.
Oh, yes, I've seen sorcery like this before.
And if Jay's really in there,
then we have the quartet of magicians we need to rescue The Magnificent Gary.
-[Jay] Fuck no. I'm not doing magic. -Hey. Come on, Jay.
Everyone, make the sign of the Bread Bowl
and repeat after me, Arenap.
Arenap. Arenap.
Saran wrap.
No, Arenap, as in Panera backwards.
Lollipop.
Arenap.
Oh, of course.
-Kit Kat. -Say it correctly or it won't work.
Help me say it, Jay.
[Jay] Fuck them and fuck you!
Ow!
I got glass in my doody oven. Awesome.
[panting]
Oh, thank God, you're home. I need your help.
Oh, what now, Seamus?
I'm not Seamus, Mom. I'm Nick.
I swapped bodies with Grandpa.
Oh, great. Now he's got fucking dementia too.
Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, please, it's really me.
Okay, "Nicky," prove it. When's my birthday?
I have no idea.
I forget every year, but Dad buys you a present from me
and makes you a thoughtful card that I sign without reading.
Oh, my boy. It really is you.
Mom.
Oh, this is awful.
My son is trapped in my father-in-law's body.
My husband's acting like a different person.
Wait. Maybe that's why I swapped bodies with Grandpa.
So I could help Dad become Soft Daddy again.
What do you mean?
Well, Nathan Fillion said I need to learn a lesson to swap bodies back.
Sure, okay...
Maybe I'm supposed to show Dad the love that Grandpa never could.
Hey, hey, Rick. What'd I miss?
I don't know, man.
I never understand these season finales.
They always gotta do something cuckoo, and I don't get it.
Monica, I didn't think anything could be as gorgeous as your eyes,
but your ancient grain focaccia is coming awfully close.
You know, it almost feels like you're flirting with me, Missy.
[chuckles] And would that be a problem?
-[doorbell rings] -[chuckles] Oh.
Mom. I mean... [clears throat]
May I speak with your daughter, madam?
Nathan Fillion?
I know this sounds totally bonkers,
but your daughter and I are linked supernaturally.
-What? -Don't worry,
you hot mom who doesn't know how hot she is.
I'll handle this.
Okay.
So, how's my body been treating you, Missy?
Did you feel my buttocks?
Oh God. I'm so sorry, Mr. Fillion. I couldn't resist.
No, no, I get it. I miss those meat mountains myself.
-Uh, Missy? -Elijah.
Uh, who's the white dude with the high butt,
and why does he know my name?
Wait, you don't know who Nathan Fillion is?
Go ask your mother, young man. I guarantee she knows.
[chuckles] Okay. But, Missy, can we actually talk privately?
-It's kind of important. -Oh, God, Mona.
-Do you think Elijah's here to dump me? -Of course he is,
'cause he finds you so physically repulsive.
Well, if it's personal in nature,
I think Nathan should stick around for this.
Yes. I should... I should probably stay.
Uh, dang. There's no way I could've prepared for this.
You really screwed up with that car-wash nonsense.
Me? You screwed up with Mom every day for the past 20 years.
I mean, do you really even care about her anymore?
Of course I care about her, you idiot.
I love her, and I admire her.
You don't know what you'd do without her.
Exactly. She's my whole life.
You gotta tell her that, Dad.
I can't tell her that.
What if I do, and she still doesn't want me?
Then... I'm nothing.
Andrew, if your father can't tell your mother how he really feels,
then maybe you can.
You mean, use his body?
To fuck Susan.
Finally. We're all on the same page.
Ooh, I'll get a scrunchie to tie back your father's balls.
Ow! Oh!
I'm sorry I bashed your skull through a bakery display, Steve,
but I'm not a magician anymore.
-Well, then, who are you? -Uh, I'm Jay.
No, the Jay I know is a sweet boy who loves magic.
But maybe you're not that Jay anymore.
[gasps] Maybe you're Jay Leno?
What? I'm not Jay Leno.
Then who are you?
Okay, Steve, I get what you're doing.
What am I doing? Help me. I don't know who I am.
You want me to go help the sorcerers do magic and bring back Gary.
No, I just want you to bring back my friend Jay.
You mean, like, the Jay who loves magic
and running naked in the woods?
Yeah, the Jay who's my bestest buddy.
I miss that guy.
I think I miss that guy too.
Because I am a magician, Steve.
It's in my bones.
Especially my dick bone.
You mean our dick bone.
Exactly.
Now let's go save Gary from the Bread Bowl Realm!
All right. Leno's back, baby. Team Coco!
All right, old man.
Ready for Hard Daddy to pop those Snapple caps?
Actually, son, I thought maybe instead of brutalizing each other's nipples today,
-we might, uh... caress them? -Caress them?
Because it's okay for men to be tender with each other, right, Seamus?
Yeah.
You're always telling me that. I mean, telling Nick that.
Well, okay.
I guess I could gently squeeze my father's grapes
before I rip them off the vine.
You know, Elliot, I've always acted like your softness was weakness,
but now I'm beginning to understand your vulnerability is actually strength.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
You were right all along,
and I'm sorry I never said it before, but...
I love you, Elliot Birch.
Oh my God.
I've been waiting so long to hear you say that.
And this is exactly how I pictured it happening.
Except we're not sitting face-to-face on the same horse.
Missy, it's kind of weird to talk to you about this in front of... him.
Well, anything you can say to me, Missy,
you can say to Nathan Fillion, a world-class actor,
wealthy enough to hire his own penis cleaner,
but humble enough to do it himself.
Yeah, Elijah, we both really care about you.
Okay, sir.
[chuckles] Okay.
Here it goes. [exhales]
I love hanging out with you, Missy.
I really love holding hands with you too,
but I think that might be it for me.
Like... physically.
Because you don't think I'm pretty?
Please, sir. This is hard enough. Could you stop talking to me?
I think what Nathan means is you don't think I'm pretty.
No, no, it's not that at all.
It... I... I think you're beautiful.
It's just...
I'm... asexual.
Oh!
Oh, so it's not about me.
None of this is about you!
But, Missy... [sighs]
...I really like being with you.
And I hope me being asexual doesn't mean we have to break up.
Well, I'd love to respond to you, of course...
But I think it might be better if I did.
What the fuck, man?
[knock on door]
What do you want from me now, Marty?
I don't want anything from you, Barbara.
I'd actually like to offer you something.
-An apology. -Oh.
Okay...
I've been stubborn and selfish.
And nasty, and loud, and cheap, and...
And I'm sorry.
-You see, I felt... -I felt threatened
that you wanted more after all these years, because...
I thought that I might not be enough for you anymore.
Marty...
And even though I think synagogue is a waste of time
-and God's a total asshole... -God's a total asshole.
-Dad! -Sorry, sorry.
The truth is, I admire you for growing...
And being your own woman.
How come you never said this before?
Um...
'Cause I'm a rotten guy?
No, you idiot. Because I was scared.
Right. It's because I didn't wanna seem weak.
But the only thing that matters now is that you know how much I love you.
Oh, Marty, I love you too.
Good work, schmendrick.
Marty, your apology got me all hot and bothered.
Oh God, it did?
-Yeah. -[Andrew] Wait, no.
And you're still wearing those spicy little shorts. [grunts]
-Ah! -But not for long.
Oh Shit. Oh, Maury, what do I do?
Um, I think you might have to fuck your mom.
What? Oh no.
No, Flanny, tell him he's crazy.
Andrew, I'm afraid Maury might be correct.
Oh shit!
-Here I come, big boy. -Cowabunga.
[chanting] Arenap. Arenap. Arenap.
What in the sweet fucking hell are you fairies doing?
Stop tickling each other's teats and act like men.
Don't listen to him.
Choose love, Elliot.
Because that's what real men do.
[magicians chanting] Arenap.
Oh, God, Mona. What should I tell Elijah?
Well, he likes you and thinks you're beautiful.
Yeah, I guess he does.
But he doesn't want to french your brains out.
Are you okay with that?
Oh, Maury. Is this actually gonna happen?
Just go with it. Remember, you've been in there before.
Here, Andrew, bite down on this.
Real men aren't lovey-dovey pansies.
You're all pathetic.
Oh, Nicky. I've been setting such a bad example.
I was only acting like Hard Daddy to get my father's love.
You were?
Yes. But the truth is,
the only way to get love is to give love.
And, Nicky, your Soft Daddy loves you very much.
I love you too.
Arenap. Arenap. Arenap.
Nathan, what do you think I would say?
Arenap.
-[cries] -[groans] I feel so helpless, Greg.
We don't know what you want.
[Jessi] I wanna burp! I wanna fart!
Andrew, wait. Have you thought about where you're gonna finish?
-What? -Have mercy, Maury.
Hey, I'm just trying to do my goddamn job.
-[chanting] Arenap. -Holy bread bowli.
[Jay] It's working.
I think you'd say...
Elijah, I accept you for who you are
and very much want to remain your girlfriend,
if you'll have me... have her.
Missy, who is not me.
Is that true, Missy?
Yes, I want to be your girlfriend.
[magicians chanting] Arenap. Arenap. Arenap.
We're doing it!
Hug him back, you little old drunk.
Oh, for fuck's sake. All right.
[magicians] Arenap.
[both grunting]
[chanting] Arenap.
What's everyone up to this weekend?
[Jessi] Connie, I don't wanna be a baby anymore.
But won't you miss those baby bubble baths?
[Jessi] I wanna give myself my own baths.
Yeah, with a showerhead.
[Jessi] I want my old life back.
[magicians chanting] Arenap. Arenap.
Oh, gross. Why do babies suck on their own feet?
Because, honestly, once you get older,
it's just, like, hard to find the time.
My pervert son is about to schtup my wife.
What do I do? What do I do? Do I go in there?
I love you, Marty.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Whoa!
[grunts]
Oh, I'm back.
Oh, me too.
Andrew, are you spying on us?
No, no, I was just... just listening.
I told you he was disgusting, Barbara.
Relax, pervert, I'll take it from here.
-Oof. -[grunts]
Arenap.
He's back!
Is this heaven?
Better. It's a Panera.
[groans]
Oh, that was crazy, huh, Jay?
Mr. Leno? Knock, knock, you still in there?
-[groans] Oh. -[growling]
Hey, guys. Sick bones. [chuckles]
Wait. I'm a wolf too. See?
Pillow-fucking magician wolf!
[howling]
Oh, it's so good to be back in my own body.
Speak for yourself.
Someone get me some booze to dull the pain.
I'm as dry as a bone.
-Well, I, for one, am not dry. -Ugh.
What do you say we go upstairs and make Soft Daddy hard again?
Two words, carry me.
Oh, no, Nicorice. Your mom's trying to fuck you.
What? No, I was never even in my dad's body, you fucking idiot.
So you think your mom is trying to fuck me?
[chuckles] Cowabunga, baby.
-Shh, shh, shh! -Dad, Caitlin, the baby has gas.
Oh, of course, because she's a baby.
-[burps and farts] -There you go, you little fart factory.
That feels better, right?
Delilah is really lucky to have you as a big sister.
Mama, do you think you'll ever want another baby?
Oh, sweetie. It was a real struggle to even want you.
Before you go, Mr. Fillion,
I just want to say I am sorry for putting you through all of this.
Oh, no need, Missy. This was the role of a lifetime.
Good luck, you two. Taxi.
One adult, please. To the set of...
The Rookie.
-[Barbara] Oh, Marty. -[Marty] Oh, yeah.
Barbara, you haven't been this damp in years.
It's like a cellar down here.
Maury, do you think...
That you pre-gamed your mom for your dad? Yes. Yes, I do.
Ugh.
I'm very proud of you, Andrew.
You know what? I'm very proud of myself.
-[Barbara] Oh, Marty. -[Marty] Cowabunga!
♪ Body, ody, ody, ody Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪
♪ Ody, ody, ody Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪
♪ Body crazy, curvy, wavy Big tittles, little waist ♪
♪ Body, ody, ody, ody Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪
♪ Ody, ody, ody Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪
♪ Look how I bodied that Ate it up and gave it back ♪
♪ Yeah, you look good But they still wanna know where Megan at ♪
♪ Saucy like a barbecue But you won't get your baby back ♪
♪ See me in that dress And he feel like he almost tasted that ♪
♪ Num, num, num, num, eat it up Foreplay, okay, three, two, one ♪
♪ You know I'm the hottest You ain't gotta heat me up ♪
♪ I'm present when I'm absent Speaking when I'm not there ♪
♪ All 'em bitches scary cats I call 'em Carole Baskins, ah! ♪
♪ Body, ody, ody, ody Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪
-♪ Ah ♪ -♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ody, ody, ody, ody ♪
♪ Muah ♪