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♪ ♪
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GENE: Oh, look!
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There's a string of pasta
hanging out of my mouth.
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Anybody want to meet
in the middle of this thing?
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No! Gene, I can't keep meeting
you in the middle of spaghetti.
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We got to get through dinner.
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We're going
to the symphony tonight.
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- TINA: Yay.
- (Bob groans)
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I-I mean, uh, I'm excited to go.
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Hey, it's their
one free concert night.
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If we miss it, we'd have to pay
to go, and we're not doing that.
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I still don't understand
why we're doing this at all.
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The symphony? Us?
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It's like giving a monkey
a monocle.
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Yeah, we're more like those
monkeys that wear sunglasses
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and ride motorcycles
and give people the finger.
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We are not
those types of monkeys,
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and we are going
to the symphony.
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I told you, I was at
the vagina-cologist,
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in the waiting room,
reading that parenting magazine,
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Modern Swaddlin',
and it said you're supposed
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to play classical music
for babies
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to stimulate their brains
and stuff.
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We never exposed you
to any classical music
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when you were babies.
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Just a bunch of Billy Joel.
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You have baby Billy Joel brains.
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But you did expose us
to a lot of your "uptown girls."
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- Bosoms.
- Also, we're not babies anymore.
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And by the way,
I turned out perfect.
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And then there's Gene and Tina,
who are doing their best.
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Hi. Wait, what?
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Oh, really? May I remind you all
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of your report cards
from last week?
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No, you may not. Sorry, you can.
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Cs and Ds. A lot of Cs and Ds
in there. I don't like it.
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Well, how are we supposed to
concentrate at school anyway?
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We're in the middle
of a pinworm epidemic.
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There are pinworms crawling
through kids' stomachs,
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laying eggs in their anuses,
and I'm supposed to be able
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to think about
what two plus two equals?!
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Wait, is that what you're being
taught in math right now?
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Butt worms, Dad!
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That's what I'm being taught!
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And it's itchy,
and kids start scratching
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and spread the eggs everywhere!
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- Gross.
- Yeah.
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I mean, children are
basically disgusting.
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I know! Why did you have any?
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It seemed like a good idea
at the time.
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Well, hopefully everyone paid
attention to Mr. Frond's
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fun and informative
and slightly provocative
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handwashing assembly.
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Hello, Right Hand.
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Would you like to take
a shower with me?
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(high-pitched):
I would love to, Left Hand,
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but my cousin is
in town visiting.
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Can I bring him?
His name is Soap.
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(normal voice):
He's more than welcome.
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I think we're all gonna
get along just fine.
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- It was hot.
- So, let's get to it, kids.
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Come on, wash them
if you got them.
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No worms are hitching
a ride in these cabooses.
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It's not "cabooses,"
it's "cabeese."
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Okay, after the handwashing,
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everybody go get ready
real fast.
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Symphony attire.
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That means no exposed midriffs.
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- Gene, I'm talking to you.
- Damn it.
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Wheels up in 45 minutes, people!
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I don't know what that means,
but I heard it on TV,
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and I like the sound of it.
Holy moly!
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Did this get even bigger
while I was making dinner?
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Yeah, TV will be less fun now
that we can't see it anymore.
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What happened?
Did you mess it up?
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Kids, you know you can't leave
this thing here forever, right?
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This is our living room.
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But was this room
really living, hmm?
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What is it again?
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Um, it's a hamster slide,
obviously.
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But we don't have a hamster.
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Well, we didn't really need one
before the slide.
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I mean, I don't think hamsters
are supposed to go down slides.
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Especially like that.
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Oh, excuse us, Jane Goodall.
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Couldn't you just, like,
roll a marble down it?
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That would still be fun, right?
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- He really just doesn't get it.
- I know.
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Also, it's not
even finished yet.
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Our loop de loop
needs more loop.
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- Don't we all.
- Let's get loopy!
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No! No more hamster slide!
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- Go get ready, move!
- (kids grumbling)
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(singsongy): Symphony!
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Hmm, what are we after here?
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Something nice
but not too flashy.
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No need for Glamour Tina.
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Unless... what if there's
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a handsome 15-year-old prodigy
up on stage?
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And our eyes meet, and he says,
"I sure could use
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some help warming up my lips
to play this oboe."
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And I go up there
and warm up his lips,
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and the audience is like,
"Oboe, you didn't."
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(chuckles)
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Ooh, this is perfect.
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Hmm, looks a little small.
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Boy, I am growing like a weed.
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Hey, what do you think
of my symphony voice?
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(bad British accent):
Hello, pardon me, good man,
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but can you point me towards
the nearest hot dog?
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Who said that?
Where did Gene go?
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Hey, come hold this
while I tape.
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So, that's your symphony attire?
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Yeah, everyone wears a bolo tie
to the symphony.
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Crack a book.
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- Bob, you look fine, come on.
- BOB: No!
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We can't keep looking
for your dress shoes.
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- We got to go.
- But these clogs look stupid.
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And the whole symphony's
gonna laugh at me.
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Maybe the trombone player will
just make a sad trombone sound.
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That's what I'm worried about.
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Tina, you ready?
We got to get going soon.
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TINA: Cool, cool, cool.
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Um... so...
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I may have outgrown this dress.
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Or the dress fits great
and it's just
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that your arm fell off
and your boobs got weird.
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- (all grunting)
- TINA: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
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Ow. Ow. Ow!
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You know what,
I think it's fine.
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-It is? -Yeah, you-you-you...
you can barely notice.
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I honestly didn't notice
until you pointed it out.
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Yeah, and it makes
my clogs seem normal.
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- What?
- Um, nothing.
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Okay, let's rock.
We're gonna be early.
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Nothing's gonna
stop us now, baby.
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(grunts) Itchy.
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(singsongy):
Going to the symphony.
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It's really happening.
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Do you guys already feel
a little stimulated?
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My arm is tingling a bit.
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- (grunts) Itchy!
- Gene, what is it?
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(dramatic symphony music
playing)
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(distorted): Gene?
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♪ ♪
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No...!
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Pinworms...!
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You know what, I'm gonna just...
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(grunting)
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Ah.
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LINDA: So we really think
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Gene got the pinwheels?
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Um, I think it's pinworms.
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Right, right, pinworms, yeah.
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He has all the signs, Mom...
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The itching,
the crazy look in his eye,
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like a boy
whose butt is possessed.
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But I thought you guys
were washing your hands,
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like, all the time.
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It's Gene, Dad.
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He's not a clean child.
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Remember that week
we thought he had a sunburn,
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but it was really hot wing sauce
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all over the back of his neck?
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- Mm.
- For three days.
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GENE: Guys! Are you coming back?
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Or should I come there or...?
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-BOB AND TINA: No!
-LINDA: No, baby, it's okay. -LOUISE: No! No! No!
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You just sit tight, buddy,
you're doing great!
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I say we leave
out of the fire escape.
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Find a new house, find
a new Gene, never look back.
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- Yeah, maybe.
- Bob!
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Sorry. I mean, poor Gene.
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Uh, I'm gonna look up
what to do.
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Oh, God,
do you think Gene touched
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the laptop
with his pinworm fingers?
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- Or just put his bare butt on it?
- What?
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You think he put
his bare butt on it?
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Dad, it's best to start
with where Gene
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hasn't put his bare butt.
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- The ceiling?
- I wouldn't rule it out.
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(gasps) Oh, no.
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Our hamster slide...
You touched our hamster slide
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- with your butt fingers!
- Damn it, Gene!
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Oh, my God, uh,
forget the hamster slide.
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What about the fact
that we work in a restaurant?
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Dad, can we please stay focused
on what's important right now?
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For once in your life!
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(sighs)
Oh, okay, I'm gonna go online.
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There won't be
any horrible images
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when I type in "pinworms,"
right?
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GENE: I'm sorry!
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I don't know how it happened.
I washed my hands a lot.
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Even though it went against
everything I believe in.
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It's okay,
the slide will be okay.
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Dad will get medicine,
and we'll just...
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we'll crush it into a powder,
and we'll make a mist
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and spray it
on the slide, right?!
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Louise, calm down.
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Also, for the record,
the hamster slide
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is not a permanent fixture
in our house.
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KIDS: Yes, it is!
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(Gene grunting)
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Okay, uh, I-I saw
some things, um...
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I am not the same person I used
to be, and I washed my hands
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00:07:01,571 --> 00:07:03,382
in the hottest water
I've ever washed them in.
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And it really hurt.
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00:07:05,241 --> 00:07:07,404
But the good news is it looks
like I can go pick up
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some over-the-counter medicine
at the pharmacy.
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Does-does anyone want
to trade eyes with me?
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Wait, you're going now?
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But we'll be late
for the symphony.
214
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Linda, we can't go
to the symphony.
215
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Yeah, Mom, didn't you hear?
Gene has butt worms.
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00:07:18,922 --> 00:07:21,522
- In his butt!
- I mean, we don't know for sure that it's pinworms.
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Maybe Gene just needs
to wipe better.
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Better or with more passion?
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- Both.
- Though, if I had pinworms,
220
00:07:27,597 --> 00:07:30,949
it would explain the pinworms
I saw in my poop the other day.
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- BOB AND LINDA: Oh, Gene!
- TINA AND LOUISE: Gene!
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What? I thought it was rice,
but now I'm like,
223
00:07:34,312 --> 00:07:35,954
does rice wiggle?
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- (Bob groans)
- Mom, we need to forget
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about the symphony and just
start burning everything
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Gene's touched... his clothes,
his sheets, his room.
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The whole house
to be safe, honestly.
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No! Not tonight!
229
00:07:45,949 --> 00:07:47,040
We're going out!
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We're going to see the symphony!
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ALL: Whoa.
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Look, we'll just get
some big mittens
233
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and tape them
to Gene's hands so he can't
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scratch and spread it
everywhere, that's all.
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It sort of changes
the silhouette
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I was going for with my outfit,
but okay.
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But, uh, Linda, uh, he'll,
he'll be doing that,
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00:08:01,890 --> 00:08:03,431
right, at-at the symphony.
239
00:08:03,508 --> 00:08:05,984
He'll just, uh, he'll
look like he's excited.
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00:08:06,061 --> 00:08:09,103
- Excited for music.
- Okay, look, we-we still have,
241
00:08:09,138 --> 00:08:11,158
like, 20 minutes before we
really have to leave, right?
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00:08:11,182 --> 00:08:12,469
Barely, yeah.
243
00:08:12,493 --> 00:08:14,304
So I'll run around the corner,
244
00:08:14,328 --> 00:08:17,070
pick up some medicine
real quick, and be back in time
245
00:08:17,146 --> 00:08:19,142
to try and talk you out of this.
246
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,366
Fine, go. I'm gonna go
look for mittens.
247
00:08:21,442 --> 00:08:22,887
Hopefully find some that say
"I don't have worms,
248
00:08:22,911 --> 00:08:24,619
and also my mom is a great mom."
249
00:08:24,696 --> 00:08:27,172
Ugh. I'm gonna go take, like,
eight showers.
250
00:08:27,249 --> 00:08:29,527
Gene, don't touch anything,
and if you have to scratch,
251
00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,321
just do it over the clothes,
okay?
252
00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:33,345
Yes, Father. Before you leave,
253
00:08:33,421 --> 00:08:35,307
can you just scatter
some Legos on the rug? (grunts)
254
00:08:35,331 --> 00:08:37,882
No, that wouldn't be fair
to the Legos.
255
00:08:37,959 --> 00:08:41,302
Also, maybe don't leave this
room or general area at all?
256
00:08:41,379 --> 00:08:43,666
- Stay, boy, stay.
- I'm a human being!
257
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:47,267
Don't leave me alone with him!
I-I mean, hey, fella.
258
00:08:47,343 --> 00:08:49,194
- Tina?
- Yeah?
259
00:08:49,271 --> 00:08:51,029
- Can you do me a favor?
- What?
260
00:08:51,106 --> 00:08:52,416
Will you go
to the kitchen for me?
261
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:54,201
I need something
to scratch my butt with.
262
00:08:54,225 --> 00:08:56,317
The rug's not pointy enough,
263
00:08:56,394 --> 00:08:58,497
and my cute little chubby
fingers aren't cutting it.
264
00:08:58,521 --> 00:09:00,113
And I'm not supposed to move.
265
00:09:00,189 --> 00:09:02,615
Uh... okay.
266
00:09:02,692 --> 00:09:06,160
Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh.
267
00:09:06,237 --> 00:09:07,524
Aah, worms!
268
00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:09,122
Oh, okay, no, that's spaghetti.
269
00:09:09,198 --> 00:09:10,527
- (grunts)
- Uh, here.
270
00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:12,195
Thank you. (grunts)
271
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:14,636
- Uh...
- (Gene grunting)
272
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,631
- Tina, just hand it to me!
- Here!
273
00:09:18,750 --> 00:09:19,869
- Ow!
- Sorry.
274
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,302
(grunts) Ah.
275
00:09:22,378 --> 00:09:25,179
- You know, I think I remember how it happened.
- Oh, yeah? How?
276
00:09:25,256 --> 00:09:27,118
It was a sunny day,
not too long ago.
277
00:09:27,142 --> 00:09:30,018
I was washing my hands
like a good little boy,
278
00:09:30,094 --> 00:09:33,354
and then out of my pocket falls
a tater tot from the cafeteria.
279
00:09:33,431 --> 00:09:35,240
I must've had
a hole in my shorts.
280
00:09:35,317 --> 00:09:38,054
- I have questions, but okay.
- So I go to pick it up
281
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,705
- to eat it.
- To throw it away, yeah.
282
00:09:39,729 --> 00:09:41,487
- Oh, okay.
- And who comes out of the stall
283
00:09:41,564 --> 00:09:44,490
but one Peter Pescadero.
284
00:09:44,567 --> 00:09:47,397
And he leans over, picks up
my tater tot and says...
285
00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:49,399
This your tater tot, Gene?
286
00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:51,568
And before I know it,
I've popped it into my mouth.
287
00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:52,632
And it was delicious!
288
00:09:52,667 --> 00:09:54,167
Oh, Gene, no.
289
00:09:54,243 --> 00:09:56,169
Peter was trying to be nice,
but he was
290
00:09:56,245 --> 00:09:58,057
fresh off the pot
and got worms on my tot!
291
00:09:58,081 --> 00:10:00,098
Wait, Gene, was that the day
292
00:10:00,175 --> 00:10:01,485
you were coming out
of the boys' bathroom
293
00:10:01,509 --> 00:10:03,549
right as I was going
into the girls' bathroom,
294
00:10:03,586 --> 00:10:04,897
and we said "bathroom buddies"
and high-fived?
295
00:10:04,921 --> 00:10:06,220
I think it was.
296
00:10:06,297 --> 00:10:07,941
That was such
a great moment for us.
297
00:10:07,965 --> 00:10:09,223
Tell me you washed your hand
298
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:11,111
after you touched
that tater tot, Gene!
299
00:10:11,135 --> 00:10:12,446
Why would I ever wash
tater tot off of me?
300
00:10:12,470 --> 00:10:14,354
No! Aah!
301
00:10:14,430 --> 00:10:15,688
Oh, God, I think I feel them!
302
00:10:15,765 --> 00:10:17,260
What, you already feel them?
303
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:18,928
I don't know how it works, Gene!
304
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,151
Just g-give me that thing!
305
00:10:20,228 --> 00:10:22,236
(grunts) Ah, ah, ah.
306
00:10:22,313 --> 00:10:24,122
That's the stuff.
307
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,603
Pinworm medicine and gum, huh?
308
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:27,700
Uh, yep.
309
00:10:27,777 --> 00:10:29,369
What's the gum for?
310
00:10:29,445 --> 00:10:31,079
Um... chewing?
311
00:10:31,155 --> 00:10:32,966
Okay, just as long
as you're not gonna
312
00:10:32,990 --> 00:10:35,083
stick it down there
in your situation,
313
00:10:35,159 --> 00:10:36,595
trying to catch those worms,
you know?
314
00:10:36,619 --> 00:10:39,137
What? No. Oh, no. God, no.
315
00:10:39,214 --> 00:10:41,451
Well, full disclosure, sir,
you wouldn't be the first.
316
00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:43,383
I'm... gonna go.
317
00:10:43,459 --> 00:10:44,717
Okay, then.
318
00:10:44,794 --> 00:10:46,311
Okay, I got the medicine.
319
00:10:46,388 --> 00:10:48,032
W-Wait. What-What's...
what's happening?
320
00:10:48,056 --> 00:10:49,389
It's not good, Dad.
321
00:10:49,465 --> 00:10:50,960
- The worms got Tina.
- (Linda grunts)
322
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:52,984
- Oh, no. They did?
- We don't know that.
323
00:10:53,010 --> 00:10:55,103
It's probably just her brain
thinking she has 'em
324
00:10:55,179 --> 00:10:57,300
and being all spycho-spaztastic.
325
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:58,823
Psychosomatic?
326
00:10:58,900 --> 00:11:00,303
- What?
- It's real!
327
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,620
They're having a field day
down there, man!
328
00:11:01,644 --> 00:11:03,381
Why is our spaghetti server
thingy in here?
329
00:11:03,405 --> 00:11:06,072
Don't ask questions you don't
want to know the answer to, Dad.
330
00:11:06,149 --> 00:11:07,999
Oh, come on. I like that thing.
331
00:11:08,076 --> 00:11:09,979
- I'm gonna miss it.
- It has a greater purpose now.
332
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,245
Anyway, it's time to go
to the symphony!
333
00:11:12,321 --> 00:11:14,172
We can do the medicine
in the car.
334
00:11:14,249 --> 00:11:16,152
Here we go, everybody!
335
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:18,251
- Linda, no.
- It's fine, it's fine.
336
00:11:18,327 --> 00:11:19,972
Shush, shush,
shush, shush, shush, shush.
337
00:11:19,996 --> 00:11:21,504
Hey, Dad, on the bright side,
338
00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:23,159
I saw your dress shoes
in the bathroom.
339
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:25,350
Really? Wh-Wh-What were
they doing in there?
340
00:11:25,427 --> 00:11:27,427
Maybe they needed to poop, Dad!
I don't know!
341
00:11:27,503 --> 00:11:28,503
Okay.
342
00:11:28,546 --> 00:11:30,471
(grunting) Damn it!
343
00:11:30,548 --> 00:11:33,002
Mom, can you tape the spaghetti
spoon to my mitten, please?
344
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,837
Don't you think
that would look a little silly?
345
00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:36,861
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- Aah!
346
00:11:36,938 --> 00:11:38,323
They...
they were behind the tub.
347
00:11:38,347 --> 00:11:39,583
- That's so weird.
- Wait!
348
00:11:39,607 --> 00:11:41,199
Dad, drop those shoes!
349
00:11:41,276 --> 00:11:44,202
Why? W-W-W-Why? Why?
Why are you saying that?
350
00:11:44,279 --> 00:11:46,331
I may have been playing
Bottomless Businessman
351
00:11:46,355 --> 00:11:48,322
after a shower the other day.
352
00:11:48,399 --> 00:11:51,117
You know, no pants, making
deals, mergers, acquisitions.
353
00:11:51,194 --> 00:11:52,522
BOB: Okay, okay, I got it.
354
00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:54,381
Which I call mergies
and acquizoozies.
355
00:11:54,405 --> 00:11:56,381
Gene, what does this have to do
with my shoes?
356
00:11:56,458 --> 00:11:58,844
I wear your dress shoes when I'm
playing Bottomless Businessman.
357
00:11:58,868 --> 00:12:00,363
That's the "businessman" part.
358
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,545
And also, I might have
scratched some stuff.
359
00:12:02,580 --> 00:12:04,222
Oh, God. I touched my mustache!
360
00:12:04,299 --> 00:12:07,203
I touched the shoes,
and then I touched my mustache,
361
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,667
'cause I thought there was stuff
in it 'cause there always is,
362
00:12:09,712 --> 00:12:12,972
and I-I-I... I think
I touched my mouth, too. Ugh!
363
00:12:13,049 --> 00:12:14,529
- Ugh!
- Well, that's great.
364
00:12:14,592 --> 00:12:16,403
That's just great.
Now you all have pinworms.
365
00:12:16,427 --> 00:12:18,214
I don't have any pinworms.
366
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,521
Really? You don't think
there's any chance
367
00:12:20,598 --> 00:12:23,024
Gene gave you pinworms?
368
00:12:23,100 --> 00:12:25,193
- ♪ ♪ - (both munching)
369
00:12:25,269 --> 00:12:28,154
(both making kissing sounds)
370
00:12:28,231 --> 00:12:30,990
- No, I love you more.
- No, I love you more.
371
00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:33,045
- No, I love you more.
- No, I love you more.
372
00:12:33,069 --> 00:12:34,419
I love you.
373
00:12:34,496 --> 00:12:36,087
Okay,
Gene probably gave me worms.
374
00:12:36,164 --> 00:12:38,539
Louise, where are you going?
375
00:12:38,616 --> 00:12:41,904
-Nowhere.
-Louise, come on.
We got to leave.
376
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:45,213
Not me. Not in a car, trapped,
377
00:12:45,289 --> 00:12:47,632
with all of you...
and your worms.
378
00:12:47,708 --> 00:12:49,058
Louise, symphony!
379
00:12:49,344 --> 00:12:51,060
(screams)
380
00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:56,057
(panting)
Stay away from me, worm woman!
381
00:12:56,133 --> 00:12:58,421
I'm not gonna give you worms!
382
00:12:58,445 --> 00:12:59,997
I just want to give you...
culture!
383
00:13:00,021 --> 00:13:03,064
- Damn it!
- I am exposing you kids
384
00:13:03,140 --> 00:13:05,358
to classical music
if it's the last thing I do
385
00:13:05,434 --> 00:13:07,360
before these butt worms eat
my whole body!
386
00:13:07,436 --> 00:13:09,445
Bob, Tina, Gene,
block the stairs
387
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,625
in case she gets past me
and tries to go outside.
388
00:13:11,649 --> 00:13:13,908
BOB: Oh, God, I feel itchy.
389
00:13:13,985 --> 00:13:15,921
Do I already have them?
It feels like I do.
390
00:13:15,945 --> 00:13:17,631
- I don't like this!
- TINA: Grow up, Dad!
391
00:13:17,655 --> 00:13:20,206
Yeah, grow up, Bob,
and block the stairs!
392
00:13:20,283 --> 00:13:21,652
- (Linda straining)
- Okay, fine!
393
00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:23,209
(Bob whimpers)
394
00:13:23,286 --> 00:13:25,615
Here's Mommy! Huh?
395
00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,213
(singsongy): Louise?
396
00:13:27,290 --> 00:13:28,640
Where are you, baby?
397
00:13:28,716 --> 00:13:31,287
My little
Louisey Peasy Over Easy?
398
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,427
Where are you, sweetie?
399
00:13:33,504 --> 00:13:34,979
Gene, you're grounded.
400
00:13:35,056 --> 00:13:38,266
I-I know I shouldn't ground you
for getting sick, but I want to.
401
00:13:38,342 --> 00:13:40,935
Uh-huh. Hey, can you take those
sweet little fingers of yours
402
00:13:41,012 --> 00:13:42,932
and just give me
a quick scratch?
403
00:13:42,972 --> 00:13:45,231
- No!
- Well, then untape us,
you monster!
404
00:13:45,308 --> 00:13:47,441
- Uh, I don't know.
- Come on, Dad.
405
00:13:47,518 --> 00:13:49,663
We have the right to scratch our
butts like every other citizen.
406
00:13:49,687 --> 00:13:52,141
But your mom's really scary
right now, and if I untape you,
407
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,143
I-I don't know
what she'll do to me.
408
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,117
- (Gene grunts)
- I hope your worms are hungry.
409
00:13:56,193 --> 00:13:57,952
- Tina!
- Oh, too much? Sorry.
410
00:13:58,029 --> 00:13:59,954
(singsongy): Louise?
411
00:14:00,031 --> 00:14:02,707
It's okay.
You don't need to be scared.
412
00:14:02,783 --> 00:14:04,469
You under here? Where are ya?
413
00:14:04,493 --> 00:14:06,155
- (Louise yells)
- Oh, my face!
414
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:08,421
Oh, stupid blanket! Louise?!
415
00:14:08,497 --> 00:14:10,965
W-Where'd Louise go?
416
00:14:11,042 --> 00:14:12,829
- Oh, I-I... I don't know.
- You didn't see her?!
417
00:14:12,853 --> 00:14:14,664
We've got a lot going on, Mom.
418
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,568
- Oh, calm down, Tina.
- You calm down.
419
00:14:16,598 --> 00:14:18,668
Louise always talked about
wanting to see Machu Picchu.
420
00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:21,025
- Maybe check there?
- Aah!
421
00:14:21,102 --> 00:14:23,978
Where are you, Louise?
Mama needs this.
422
00:14:24,055 --> 00:14:28,199
♪ One thing I've always wanted
since I was very small ♪
423
00:14:28,276 --> 00:14:30,012
♪ Was to be
the best damn mommy ♪
424
00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:32,849
♪ The bestest of 'em all ♪
425
00:14:32,873 --> 00:14:37,116
♪ I'd be loving, I'd be kind,
but also fair and firm ♪
426
00:14:37,193 --> 00:14:39,522
♪ But now their report cards
are full of Ds ♪
427
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:44,193
♪ And their butts
are full of worms! ♪
428
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:49,170
♪ Oh, I'm a bad, bad mom,
and it was my favorite job ♪
429
00:14:49,246 --> 00:14:53,841
♪ And I'm gonna scratch
my bottom right now ♪
430
00:14:53,918 --> 00:14:55,687
♪ What if we all
scratched our butts ♪
431
00:14:55,711 --> 00:14:57,395
♪ Against each other's butts? ♪
432
00:14:57,472 --> 00:15:01,878
♪ No, that's stupid,
okay, maybe not ♪
433
00:15:01,902 --> 00:15:04,736
♪ If only I had taken them
to the symphony ♪
434
00:15:04,812 --> 00:15:06,404
♪ When they were still young ♪
435
00:15:06,481 --> 00:15:08,292
♪ They'd be getting
all straight As ♪
436
00:15:08,316 --> 00:15:12,318
♪ And be so clean
between their buns ♪
437
00:15:12,395 --> 00:15:16,581
♪ Oh, I'm a bad, bad mom,
and it was my favorite job ♪
438
00:15:16,658 --> 00:15:21,336
♪ And I'm gonna scratch
my bottom right now. ♪
439
00:15:22,780 --> 00:15:24,901
What? Ah, boy.
440
00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:26,666
Louise? You out there?
441
00:15:26,742 --> 00:15:29,260
Louise? What the...?
442
00:15:29,337 --> 00:15:31,073
- What the hell's this?
- Ugh!
443
00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:33,409
I couldn't get
the fire escape ladder to work
444
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,267
because of my tiny arms, so I
made a rope out of paper towel.
445
00:15:36,344 --> 00:15:37,677
Okay.
446
00:15:37,753 --> 00:15:39,398
You were supposed to think
I used it to climb down,
447
00:15:39,422 --> 00:15:42,181
and then you'd totally freak out
and probably faint,
448
00:15:42,258 --> 00:15:45,017
like, "Wha-uh," and I'd have
time to jump in the window
449
00:15:45,136 --> 00:15:46,255
and run out the front door.
450
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:48,165
But it's so short,
and it's paper towel.
451
00:15:48,189 --> 00:15:50,356
- It was a good plan!
- Come on.
452
00:15:50,433 --> 00:15:52,119
We still have time to see
the second half of the show
453
00:15:52,143 --> 00:15:54,931
- if we hurry.
- (sighs) Fine. Fine!
454
00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:57,363
Just give me some space,
Wonder Wormon.
455
00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:58,906
Okay, okay.
456
00:15:58,983 --> 00:16:01,242
That's a girl.
457
00:16:01,318 --> 00:16:03,105
Now we're all gonna go to the
symphony and have a good time
458
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:05,037
and soak it up into our brains.
Right?
459
00:16:05,114 --> 00:16:06,517
You know, you're right.
It'll be fun.
460
00:16:06,541 --> 00:16:08,381
And maybe pinworms
aren't so bad.
461
00:16:08,451 --> 00:16:10,303
I mean, they're probably
more scared of our butts
462
00:16:10,327 --> 00:16:12,114
than our butts are scared
of them, right?
463
00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:14,617
(laughs) Oh, my God, raccoons.
464
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,143
Are they having a... dance-off?
465
00:16:16,167 --> 00:16:17,216
What? Where?
466
00:16:17,293 --> 00:16:19,427
- (grunting)
- Damn it, Louise!
467
00:16:19,503 --> 00:16:21,229
(both screaming)
468
00:16:22,339 --> 00:16:23,222
Crap, crap, crap.
469
00:16:23,299 --> 00:16:24,983
Hello, there. (grunts)
470
00:16:25,059 --> 00:16:26,319
You're trapped, Louise.
There's nowhere to run.
471
00:16:26,343 --> 00:16:28,894
(grunting)
472
00:16:28,971 --> 00:16:31,063
- No. No!
- Just give in, Louise.
473
00:16:31,140 --> 00:16:32,826
You don't want to be
the one weirdo in the family
474
00:16:32,850 --> 00:16:34,442
who doesn't have worms, do you?
475
00:16:34,518 --> 00:16:36,621
It helps to pretend they're not
worms, they're butterflies.
476
00:16:36,645 --> 00:16:38,307
It-it... I don't know,
it's just my process.
477
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:39,497
Butt-er-flies.
478
00:16:39,574 --> 00:16:40,625
Oh, yeah, I didn't even
think of that.
479
00:16:40,649 --> 00:16:42,450
Uh, Linda, I have to say,
480
00:16:42,526 --> 00:16:44,910
- you look really athletic right now.
- Thanks.
481
00:16:44,987 --> 00:16:45,982
There's some pee coming out.
482
00:16:46,006 --> 00:16:47,338
Okay, a lot of pee. Oh, God.
483
00:16:47,415 --> 00:16:50,174
Uh-huh. Also, maybe, uh,
we should think about
484
00:16:50,251 --> 00:16:51,970
- everybody taking the medicine.
- Not now, Bob!
485
00:16:51,994 --> 00:16:52,752
Right, sorry.
486
00:16:52,828 --> 00:16:55,491
Oh... so dizzy. Ah.
487
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,660
Not me. I could run in tiny
circles like this forever
488
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,300
and don't need to throw up
at all.
489
00:16:59,376 --> 00:17:01,135
Whoa!
490
00:17:01,212 --> 00:17:03,137
KIDS: No!
491
00:17:03,214 --> 00:17:04,483
Is the hamster okay?!
Is the hamster okay?!
492
00:17:04,507 --> 00:17:07,025
Oh, right.
We don't have a hamster.
493
00:17:09,512 --> 00:17:12,174
You killed it! You killed
our beautiful hamster slide,
494
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,198
the only thing I've ever loved.
495
00:17:14,275 --> 00:17:16,178
You were so jealous of it,
you had to destroy it.
496
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,610
Isn't that right, Mother?!
497
00:17:17,686 --> 00:17:19,682
Kids, shush.
Linda, are you okay?
498
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,350
Linda? Lin?
499
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:24,208
Oh, my God,
the slide's dead and Mom's dead?
500
00:17:24,285 --> 00:17:25,712
And I've got butt worms?
What the hell?!
501
00:17:25,736 --> 00:17:28,046
I'm not dead. I'm just sad.
502
00:17:28,122 --> 00:17:29,600
(sighs): Linda, it's okay.
503
00:17:29,624 --> 00:17:33,167
It's... sorry, kids... just
a bunch of toilet paper rolls.
504
00:17:33,244 --> 00:17:34,864
- (kids gasp)
- Dad, come here.
505
00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,003
Mm-mm.
506
00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:37,182
Okay, I'm gonna slap your leg.
507
00:17:37,206 --> 00:17:38,646
- Ow.
- Yeah.
508
00:17:38,707 --> 00:17:41,133
Lin, are you... are you gonna
get off the floor?
509
00:17:41,210 --> 00:17:42,843
- No.
- Okay.
510
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,207
I'm a bad mom. And I'm tired.
511
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:46,876
And I think I pulled
my boob muscle.
512
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,015
And my butt itches.
513
00:17:48,092 --> 00:17:49,545
You're not a bad mom, Lin.
514
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,288
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
515
00:17:51,312 --> 00:17:53,883
Kids, tell your mom
that she's a good mom.
516
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:55,959
Yeah, maybe ask me later
when my life's work isn't
517
00:17:55,983 --> 00:17:58,025
laying shattered before my eyes.
518
00:17:58,102 --> 00:18:00,056
I love you, Mom,
but I'm still pressing charges.
519
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,390
You're going away
for a long time!
520
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,059
I'm gonna miss you so damn much!
521
00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:04,365
Maybe Mom didn't do this.
522
00:18:04,441 --> 00:18:06,361
Maybe the worms were
controlling her.
523
00:18:06,402 --> 00:18:07,921
God, what are my worms gonna
make me do?
524
00:18:07,945 --> 00:18:09,565
- Get rid of your bangs?
- Oh, no.
525
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,424
Okay, we're-we're getting
off topic here.
526
00:18:11,448 --> 00:18:13,069
Why don't we just all take
the medicine
527
00:18:13,093 --> 00:18:15,404
and then go to the symphony?
528
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:18,045
Even though I still think
that's a really terrible idea.
529
00:18:18,122 --> 00:18:19,880
Not-not the medicine.
530
00:18:19,957 --> 00:18:21,877
The medicine we should've done,
like, right away.
531
00:18:21,917 --> 00:18:23,509
Not-not that you're a bad mom
532
00:18:23,586 --> 00:18:27,105
for chasing Louise like
a crazy person around the house
533
00:18:27,181 --> 00:18:29,974
instead of... taking
the medi-medicine.
534
00:18:30,050 --> 00:18:31,275
If... It doesn't matter.
535
00:18:31,352 --> 00:18:33,589
LINDA:
We're not gonna make it
to the symphony.
536
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,020
I failed you kids.
537
00:18:35,097 --> 00:18:37,259
If you grow up dumb,
it's my fault.
538
00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:39,411
I mean, it's not like Dad
brought a ton to the table.
539
00:18:39,435 --> 00:18:40,359
A distinct odor?
540
00:18:40,436 --> 00:18:42,570
Okay, thank you.
541
00:18:42,646 --> 00:18:45,456
Lin, our kids are mean.
To me right now.
542
00:18:45,533 --> 00:18:47,458
But they turned out pretty good.
543
00:18:47,535 --> 00:18:49,588
We're not saying they didn't
turn out pretty good, right?
544
00:18:49,612 --> 00:18:51,941
LINDA:
They're still young.
It could go either way.
545
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:54,415
Well, I just don't think
you should feel so bad.
546
00:18:54,491 --> 00:18:56,542
Look at this weird,
elaborate thing they made
547
00:18:56,619 --> 00:18:57,613
out of toilet paper rolls.
548
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:58,919
It's a hamster slide.
549
00:18:58,996 --> 00:19:00,098
We've said it, like,
a thousand times.
550
00:19:00,122 --> 00:19:02,756
Shush. Normal, dumb,
unstimulated kids
551
00:19:02,833 --> 00:19:05,259
wouldn't build something
like this, would they?
552
00:19:05,336 --> 00:19:06,897
We've got the brains
and the looks.
553
00:19:06,921 --> 00:19:08,481
- And the body.
- And the worms.
554
00:19:08,505 --> 00:19:11,627
Not to mention, we're wonderful.
Just in general.
555
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:14,435
LINDA: You are wonderful.
The best three kids I know.
556
00:19:14,511 --> 00:19:15,987
Better than Hanson? Wow.
557
00:19:16,063 --> 00:19:18,134
Yeah. And we made them this way,
558
00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:21,325
parenting them really,
eh, pretty well.
559
00:19:21,402 --> 00:19:23,235
And, yes,
two out of three of 'em
560
00:19:23,312 --> 00:19:24,664
probably have pinworms
right now,
561
00:19:24,688 --> 00:19:26,475
but so do we, probably.
562
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,240
I mean, I know I do.
563
00:19:28,317 --> 00:19:31,243
'Cause look at the way
I'm clenching my butt.
564
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:32,003
Yeah, I guess it was
a pretty cool
565
00:19:32,079 --> 00:19:33,454
toilet paper thingy, huh?
566
00:19:33,530 --> 00:19:35,300
- Hamster slide.
- That you crushed.
567
00:19:35,324 --> 00:19:37,186
Sorry. Ah, maybe
something we're doing
568
00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:39,251
is working, I guess. Right?
569
00:19:39,328 --> 00:19:41,921
You know, it's almost like
the report cards
570
00:19:41,997 --> 00:19:44,348
are the idiots, huh?
(laughs) Yeah?
571
00:19:44,425 --> 00:19:45,883
Yeah. You're right.
572
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,571
Just 'cause we don't do
our homework
573
00:19:47,595 --> 00:19:50,166
or study for tests or pay
attention, that's our fault?
574
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:52,523
Exactly what I used to say
about me.
575
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:55,526
Okay, now I'm starting to worry
we are bad parents.
576
00:19:55,603 --> 00:19:57,322
Shh, shh, shh, Dad,
we're helping Mom.
577
00:19:57,346 --> 00:20:00,072
Aw, come here, guys. Family hug.
578
00:20:00,107 --> 00:20:01,235
Ew, no. You all have worms.
579
00:20:01,259 --> 00:20:02,678
- Don't touch me.
- Right, right, right.
580
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,036
Okay, okay.
Wormy Belchers, get in here.
581
00:20:05,112 --> 00:20:07,321
(all moaning)
582
00:20:07,398 --> 00:20:08,918
LINDA: Gotcha. I love yous.
583
00:20:08,950 --> 00:20:11,000
Oh, God, that's so nasty.
584
00:20:12,194 --> 00:20:14,828
Okay, down the hatch, everybody.
585
00:20:14,905 --> 00:20:17,193
(coughs): Oh, yeah,
if you punks gave me worms,
586
00:20:17,217 --> 00:20:19,383
those worms are definitely not
gonna like this.
587
00:20:19,460 --> 00:20:21,961
Wait, this doesn't kill kill
them, does it?
588
00:20:22,037 --> 00:20:23,273
It's just a strong warning
for them
589
00:20:23,297 --> 00:20:25,534
- to clean up their act, right?
- No, yeah, yeah.
590
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,342
Hey, guys, guess what we have
in the basement.
591
00:20:28,419 --> 00:20:30,895
- A dark secret?
- No. Better.
592
00:20:30,972 --> 00:20:32,563
A bunch of cardboard.
593
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,182
Maybe we can bring that up
and rebuild the hamster slide,
594
00:20:35,259 --> 00:20:36,976
bigger than ever?
595
00:20:37,052 --> 00:20:38,881
Ooh, and we could make
a hamster office park
596
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:41,217
next door to the slide,
and maybe the hamster's boss is
597
00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:43,001
a fun-loving
bottomless businessman
598
00:20:43,058 --> 00:20:44,358
who works hard and plays harder.
599
00:20:44,435 --> 00:20:45,537
We're gonna need more hamsters.
600
00:20:45,561 --> 00:20:47,389
We're not getting hamsters.
601
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,374
Uh, I'm gonna buy a marble,
and you guys are gonna be
602
00:20:49,398 --> 00:20:52,416
- really surprised at how fun it is.
- Ah.
603
00:20:52,493 --> 00:20:54,379
Marble would be a great name
for one of the hamsters.
604
00:20:54,403 --> 00:20:57,037
- Or Tiffany.
- I'm going to the symphony.
605
00:20:57,114 --> 00:20:58,067
- Bye.
- OTHERS: Bye.
606
00:20:58,091 --> 00:20:59,573
Bring back a hamster.
607
00:20:59,650 --> 00:21:02,042
- ♪ Butt worms ♪
- ♪ Doodley-ooh ♪
608
00:21:02,119 --> 00:21:03,043
♪ Butt worms ♪
609
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:04,336
♪ Doodley-ooh ♪
610
00:21:04,413 --> 00:21:06,408
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
611
00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:09,049
LINDA: Oh, it's itchy.
612
00:21:09,126 --> 00:21:11,247
- ♪ Butt worms ♪
- ♪ Doodley-ooh ♪
613
00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:12,271
♪ Butt worms ♪
614
00:21:12,346 --> 00:21:13,721
♪ Doodley-ooh ♪
615
00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:18,225
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
616
00:21:18,302 --> 00:21:20,589
♪ Scratchin' and you're tushin',
a tushie and a scratchy ♪
617
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:23,053
♪ A wormy in your tushie, sent
your tushies in a-scratchin' ♪
618
00:21:23,098 --> 00:21:24,167
♪ Scratch-Scratch-Scratcha ♪
619
00:21:24,191 --> 00:21:25,524
♪ Itchy, itchy, itchy ♪
620
00:21:25,601 --> 00:21:27,930
Who invited you worms
into my butt, anyway?
621
00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:30,070
- ♪ Butt worms ♪
- ♪ Doodley-ooh ♪
622
00:21:30,147 --> 00:21:32,665
- ♪ Butt worms ♪
- ♪ Doodley-ooh. ♪
623
00:21:32,689 --> 00:21:35,689
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