♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
[laughs]
Ooh! [Growls]
- Mommy! - A a a a a a ah!
- Duncan! - Duncan!
No sister should have to bury her little brother.
Stan was a kind, loving soul
who was taken from us much too soon.
Too soon, Lord!
Much too soon!
Yes, it was. Settle down.
Stan died alone, faced own in a public toilet
at the local water park.
His body was so bloated,
everyone assumed he was an inflatable pool toy.
But even in the end, he gave joy to the children
who rode him down the lazy river.
Anyhoo, he's dead,
and his sins and gambling debts are now forgiven.
- Let us pray. - Oh, rats!
Oh, tough break, Frankie the Weasel.
[grunts]
Okay, they're gone.
You can get up, Uncle Stan.
- Hey. - Oh!
Sorry.
I never get used to that part of your fake funerals.
You went off script, Annie.
You were supposed to say I died
donating too much bone marrow.
I thought corpse pool toy
was more believable for you.
Well, thanks anyway for doing my monthly fake funeral.
Hey, I heard Frankie the Weasel
sent a deli platter to your house.
Let's eat!
How come you were crying
if you knew he was alive the whole time?
There are very few places a man can openly weep,
and I take advantage.
Ooh, the Carlson funeral.
Yes!
[tube squeaking]
[grunts]
[coughs]
Ha.
- What's Uncle Stan doing? - Stealing gas.
It's something people did in '70s movies.
Ah.
There's nothing like a good cry
followed by a deli plate.
What a great day.
That was the worst turnout
of any of Stan's fake funerals.
One day, I'm afraid he actually will die alone.
Not necessarily.
If he's murdered, he wouldn't be alone.
Uncle Stan is gonna get murdered?
Oh, sweetie, no.
Not for a long, long time.
But if he does end up sad and alone,
I'm going to wonder, did I really
do everything I could to help him?
I lose sleep thinking the same thing about Duncan.
[grunting] Ugh!
My stupid neck ribbon won't come off.
[grunting]
You take your eyes off him for one second.
All right, I might have swallowed some of that gas,
so no one come into the bathroom for a while.
Stan, wait.
It was sad seeing you in that casket today
with no one who loved you.
Good point.
Next time, I'll pay a pretty lady
- to be my widow. - No,
you need someone to be a better person for.
Like Jack is for me.
Love you, baby.
"What exactly are you suggesting?"
He asked for himself, but also for the audience.
I'm gonna help you turn your life around.
It is time to settle down, pay for gas, and get married.
I appreciate your concern,
but outside of crippling bouts of loneliness,
I'm okay.
Oh, God, I'm so lonely.
Do I even exist?
See? It passes.
Stan, what you need
is the real girlfriend experience,
and I'm gonna give it to you.
I'm only five,
but even I know you said that wrong.
You know what? I've got a couple hours.
So go ahead. Turn my whole life around.
Ugh, now my shoes won't come off.
Should I cut your pants off,
or do you want to do it?
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, Duncan.
Why aren't you dressed for gym? Mesothelioma?
According to the shows my grandma watches,
that's what everyone has.
No, trying to get out of dodge ball.
I can't throw or catch or dodge.
It's like they figured out all your weaknesses.
You'd die in the wild.
Wouldn't last a day.
Harris, why aren't you in gym clothes?
Oh, I forgot them again.
Whoops.
I'll let you off today,
but show up without gym clothes tomorrow,
and you're gonna play naked!
[huffs] You can't make me do that!
Yes, he can.
[screams]
[body thuds]
His pee-pee's sizzlin'!
[shudders]
Are you sure this is a men's clothing store?
Where are all the airbrushed "Ass, Gas, or Grass" T-shirts?
Stan, don't make suggestions or think.
Just try these on.
Once I finish "Queer Eyeing" you,
you're gonna be up to your ears in sensible women.
And khaki.
Baby bro, let's go.
Todrick Hall's "Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels" plays...
[♪ ♪]
♪ Nails, hair, hips, heels ♪
♪ Face done, lips real ♪
♪ Purse full, big bills ♪
♪ Yes, I'm a big deal ♪
♪ Legs, legs, face, eyes ♪
♪ Thin waist, thick thighs ♪
♪ You, me, you wish ♪
♪ New phone, who this? ♪
♪ Patty, pat, pat, chew the gum, gum, gum ♪
♪ I'm a one ♪
♪ Girl, what did that girl just say, girl? ♪
Harris family, I present to you
the new and improved, not too exciting,
very much marriage material
Uncle Stan!
Sorry, had to finish my cigarette.
I smoke outside now.
All: Ooh!
Zamn, Zuncle.
Wow. You're a complete dork now.
Congrats.
Where's my brother-in-law?
All I see is this smokin' hot Olive Garden bartender.
And you don't smell like
when Mommy dropped that bottle of wine anymore.
There's a lot of stuff I don't smell like anymore,
and I feel fantastic.
Thanks, sis.
And to make sure I don't backslide
within ten minutes, I'm gonna burn my old stuff
and put Scumbag Stan to rest for good.
Whoa, that's your box of stuff for scams.
Are you sure you want to give it up?
You've ruined so many lives with this.
Look, I'm Hagrid!
"I could have saved Harry Potter
from his terrible step family, but I didn't."
What's this neck-brace-looking thing?
- Oh, it's a neck brace. - A neck brace?
Yeah, I used it
to get out of things I didn't want to do,
like help friends move or serve my country.
Or get out of gym class
and showering after gym class
and showering.
Hmm.
[glass shattering]
[fire crackling]
Okay, kids.
Keep your eye on this unprotected fire.
Your dad and I are taking Uncle Stan
for ballroom dance lessons.
Isn't ballroom dancing
for people who died on the "Titanic"?
Sensible women want a man who knows how to waltz,
even though there's nowhere to dance a waltz.
Maybe you should come, Duncan.
I've always wanted us to have a mother-son dance.
Can't. Doctor's orders.
Oh, right. Feel better.
Classical music playing...
[♪ ♪]
Drinks are complimentary
if you were dragged here by your wife.
We both know I was.
I'm nervous.
All these women look smart and hard to trick.
You don't need to trick anybody.
You're a bathed and kind man.
Ugh, there's my neighbor Helen Diggins.
I thought I smelled a gallon of rose water.
Hello, Annie.
I'd like you to meet Jody,
my recently heartbroken niece
who makes an incredible living,
but is tired of the ego of high-income men.
Hmm. I'm Stan,
a recently transformed ne'er-do-well.
Would you care to waltz?
I'd be delighted.
Oh, how sweet. Well, have fun.
I'm just gonna waltz over to the bar.
One, two, three. One, two, three.
Annie Harris, you meddle so hard.
[birds chirping]
You look like an idiot.
Don't care. I like it.
It's like a big hug for my neck.
[groans]
Stan got back late last night,
and he wasn't alone.
I heard noises, if you know what I mean.
I don't.
Oh, my God.
Stan got lucky?
Do you think they're moving too fast?
Doesn't mean it's not real.
You put out on our first date.
[chuckling] Annie!
Good morning, everyone.
Well, someone's in a good mood.
How do you like your eggs?
I like 'em runny.
- Both: Huh? - [gasps]
- Huh? - [stifled gasp]
Huh?
[birds chirping]
- [grunts] - Who's a good boy?
Give me a kiss.
I love it when you feed me bacon.
Don't forget the grease.
- Mmm... - [chuckles]
A pig died for that.
How did this happen?
When we left, you were cheek to cheek
with Helen's niece!
Oh, Jodie. Yeah, she's nice.
- But she's not my type. - So your type is that?
Helen's an amazing person.
She's well-read, well-traveled.
We're both banned from Facebook.
Also, I'm into old women.
That's impossible.
- No one is. - That's not true.
What about Susan Sarandon and that ping-pong guy?
I loved them.
And what about Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore?
And Keanu Reeves and that woman his age?
Really, Stan,
sleeping with an old lady to take her money?
That was you in high school.
Hey, I wanted a dirt bike.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going back upstairs
to enter the gates of Helen.
Oh, put me in the swing, lover.
[both giggling]
He brought his sex swing in from the van?
I'm gonna play on the swing too.
Have fun, honey.
- Jack! - Right, right, right.
[giggles]
[yelps]
[grunting]
Gym sucks today.
You're so lucky you're fake injured.
Yup. No gym.
And I don't have to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance.
Awesome!
That neck brace is like a cheat code for life.
I wish I had one.
My friend Xavier invited me to a spoken word performance,
and I want to get out of it.
You guys don't know him.
- He's one of my smart friends. - We don't care.
You can borrow my brace after gym today, Mia.
You all can borrow it
as long as you don't mind a little rash.
Spoken word tonight at 6:00!
[screams]
Yeah, brace me.
That one looks like a guy with a coat hanger
breaking into a vending machine.
That one looks like a pair of compression socks.
You mean the ones I'm about to pull off you with my teeth?
Come here. [Growling]
Oh, Stanley.
[both giggling]
Those two make me sick.
What's your problem, Mom? They're cute together.
Love is love.
Yeah, I'm totally rooting for "Stelen."
Stelen? What the heck's a Stelen?
- What does that mean? - Stan and Helen.
It's their names mushed together,
like celebrities who are doomed to break up.
You know, your mom and I tried that
with our names, but "Ack" never caught on.
I put a lot of work into transforming Stan,
and once again, he makes the worst life choice possible.
That's it.
I'm gonna help Jing make a macaroni necklace,
then storm over there and break their asses up.
Angry macaroni necklace. Yay!
Ooh, Mom wants to break up Stelen.
Juicy.
Her generation just doesn't get it.
You're gonna be helping my buds out today.
Brace yourself, brace...
for adventure.
[grunts]
[funky music]
[♪ ♪]
Nope.
[♪ ♪]
♪ Go and get your checkup ♪
♪ Wrap your neck up ♪
Logan Paul, if it wasn't for my injury,
I'd be beating you to death tonight!
Get well soon, ass-face.
[♪ ♪]
Why do I start these beefs?
And I've been wearing it ever since
my very brave tour of duty.
I'd take it off,
but my neck's nothing but shrapnel.
[♪ ♪]
Excuse me, Steve.
I have a mild neck injury.
What the hell y'all doing?
Get that little girl and her grandma
up here right now.
[♪ ♪]
Survey says: Thank you.
Glad you all enjoyed Bracey
and got things you didn't deserve.
I'll take it back now.
I don't want to give it up.
Grandma and I are auditioning for "Wheel of Fortune,"
and I need sympathy.
I want it too.
We've got six pallets of pizza meat coming in today.
Do you know how heavy uncut pepperoni is?
No, I need it.
I lost myself in my lie,
and now Sergeant Hank Mullen is engaged.
Wolf, thank you for your service,
but only one of us is at risk of getting murdered on Twitch.
[all grunting]
There's gotta be a solution.
We could mark a calendar
and each have it one day a week?
[all grumble]
Or we could have a no-holds-barred
cage match to the death?
[all exclaim]
Puzzles with you is fun.
You can put in the word "Hindenburg."
Did you know I was almost on it?
- I overslept. - Ah!
Party's over, pervs.
Hi, Uncle Stan and Aunt-Grandma Helen.
Stan, I will not let you break Helen's heart.
She is a dear friend,
and we depend on her for a snowblower in the winter.
I don't get it, Annie.
I thought you wanted me to find a woman.
I even waxed my happy trail arrows for you.
And now, in the throes of passion,
I have to point.
I wanted you
to be with someone appropriate for you.
Like that fun cashier at 7-Eleven
with the quirky glasses who's always sketching horses.
She wears Doc Martens without socks.
I know her feet stink.
You just can't accept Helen because I made the choice.
Not you. You're a control freak, Annie.
What? I am not.
Jack, tell them I'm not a control freak.
Keep my wife's name out your freaking mouth!
If you didn't like that one, I can scream it again.
You've been like this our whole lives.
Remember my good post-grunge, techno death metal band?
♪ Sniper in the grass ♪
Stan, what are you doing?
Your shift at Captain Clucky's started at four o'clucky,
which is how the managers ask us to say it.
But we got our first gig tonight.
It's an open mic at Dropout's Bar.
Absolutely not.
Captain Clucky's is a real job.
This band is never going anywhere.
- Move it! - Ugh.
Can I try singing?
Sure thing, Eddie Vedder.
♪ Oh, sniper ♪
♪ Sniper in the grass, yeah! ♪
[cheers and applause]
Stan, I'm sorry.
I had no idea you felt that way about me.
And I do want you to be happy and find someone
you can actually spend your life with.
Well, I found her.
- [squeals] - Is this happening?
Helen Anita Diggins, I don't even have a ring,
and honestly, there's a good chance
I'm gonna sit on the couch all day
while you support my lazy ass,
but I swear I'm gonna love you like no man ever has.
Will you marry me?
You know, after my ex Bert left me,
I want a guy who stays put and has no options.
Mi Social Security es su Social Security.
I love you, Stan.
Ooh, said I wasn't gonna do this.
Are you okay with this?
[sighs]
I have two words
for this relationship.
To Stelen!
Both: Ah.
Oh!
[muffled shrieks]
He's kidding, right?
[birds chirping]
Why are you dressed like the magician
who got arrested after Jing's birthday party?
Well, I gotta look sharp
if I'm playing with a wedding band.
Now, when Helen walks down the aisle,
I was thinking of starting with "Hot For Teacher"
and ending with "And the Cradle Will Rock."
How about "Here Comes the Bride"?
That's why you're in charge.
Which flower girl dress should I wear?
Floor-length is so last season, but I'm not sure
I have the shoulders for "p'sghetti" straps.
A, that's adorable.
And B, your shoulders slay, mama.
[sighs] I need more chairs.
Helen wants two sections for her friends:
Smoking and heavy smoking.
[birds chirping]
Behold the prize.
Prepare your weapons.
Yangzi.
Float like a butterfly, sting like Yangzi!
Trademark.
Wolf.
[howls]
Mia.
Pizza meat your maker.
Bex.
[hisses] Soy un fantasma.
Duncan!
I'm Duncan.
And now we fight to the death!
Death fight!
[All shouting]
[All grunt]
All: Oh, my neck!
Huh.
None of these really capture
Helen's weathered essence.
If you'd like, I could take
a caramelizer torch to this one's face.
Oh, that could work.
Where's Stan?
He was supposed to help us pick this out.
There he is, across the street.
Kissing another woman!
Oh, my God!
Stan's been lying to us!
He hasn't changed at all.
- [grunts] - Ooh!
Annie, what are we gonna do?
The wedding's in a few hours.
[sighs]
Nothing.
It's like Stan said.
I need to let him make his own terrible choices.
And as for poor, poor Helen,
we'll just have to buy our own snowblower.
Stelen!
[indistinct chatter]
Annie, you made an honest man out of me.
Next time you see me, I'll be Mr. Helen Diggins.
And tonight, I'll be digging Helen's...
- Please stop. - Love you, sis.
Love you, too, baby bro.
Lying sack of crap.
I respect that you want to stay out of this,
but fair warning:
When I play Spandau Ballet's "True,"
I will sing the word "true" with great irony.
[rock version of "Here Comes the Bride" plays]
Flowers, flowers,
trip, stand up very cute.
Gee, hope nobody caught that adorable moment on their phone.
♪ ♪
Well, aren't you just darling?
I'll be back for that.
When she talks, my eyes burn.
♪ ♪
We are gathered here on next to no notice
to bring together this guy and his sister's neighbor.
As God said in the Bible, "Love is cool."
Now, before we get to kissing and dancing,
if anyone has any reason
these two shouldn't get married,
speak now or forever wait
to gossip about it at the reception.
Let him make his own choices.
All right then. Helen, do you take...
♪ I object! ♪
♪ You can find a better man ♪
Jack, what are you doing?
You know this is the right thing, Annie.
You're right.
Stan, I tried to stay out of your life
and not be a control freak, but we saw you
at a coffee shop kissing some hotsy-totsy lady!
♪ Hotsy-totsy lady ♪
Sorry, are you talking about me?
Yes, you!
Harlequin! Harlequin!
Okay. That's the wrong word.
And also, I'm his sponsor in AA.
But you were leaning in and kissing him all...
[babbling]
I was smelling his breath to see if he was drunk.
When he told me
he was marrying an old lady he just met,
I assumed he fell off the wagon.
But when I realized he was sober
and really in love, I was so happy for him.
Oh, so I probably should have just stayed out of it.
♪ One question would have cleared that up ♪
Well, if no one else has any objections...
Stop the wedding!
Oh, damn.
The game comes on in an hour.
Ugh.
So who are you,
and what's your startling revelation?
I'm Burt, Helen's ex.
Baby, I can't stand to see you with another man.
You know how jealous I get!
Well, it took you long enough.
What?
Look, the truth is,
once a year, I stage a fake wedding
to get my ex interested again.
And she always gets me. Don't you?
Don't you, H-bomb?
[both giggling]
[Helen coughing]
But I love you!
I got a vasectomy for you.
Ugh. They're reversible. Calm down.
Helen, you're a monster.
You scammed me.
You... scammed me.
Yeah, sorry.
The love was fake, but the sex?
Very much real.
Come on, Burt, let's wreck the buffet.
Don't tell me what to do!
Anybody else want to marry this dude?
No? Okay. I'm gone.
What a lying, scheming con woman.
[crying] I'm more in love with her than ever.
And now another man's gonna be digging Helen's...
Stop. I know you're hurting.
That's why I signed you up at Telder,
the Tinder for elders.
Hot grannies in my area?
Annie, I don't deserve you.
Password?
Do we hook him up with Octavia?
[chomping loudly]
Both: Stavia!
[Duncan and Mia grunting]
My brother and I danced through the night,
closer than ever, until tragically,
he was crushed by Jack's guitar amp and killed.
Anyhoo, he's dead, and his sins
and wedding planning debts are forgiven.
Crushed under an amp?
Annie, you were supposed to say
I drowned saving a boatload of nuns.
Oh, you got me again!
Well, we did it.
We ate the entire buffet.
Hold on.
There's one slice of wedding cake left.
[all grunting]
In my experience, there's only one way to settle this.
No-holds-barred cage match to the death.
Mom!
I'm one hot mama.
Dad!
Ow!
Kimberly!
Oh, yes, Wic-can.
Jing!
I'm da bomb!
Uncle Stan!
I smoke outside now. [gulps]
Mr. Mitch.
[grunting]
Sorry, y'all. Munchies.
What up, ghost dude?
Take me to hell.
[engine revving] [tires screeching]
[♪ ♪]