1
00:00:00,933 --> 00:00:04,753
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
2
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:09,025
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
3
00:00:09,109 --> 00:00:12,880
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
4
00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:17,066
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
5
00:00:17,150 --> 00:00:21,104
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
6
00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:23,706
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
7
00:00:23,790 --> 00:00:24,707
[laughs]
8
00:00:24,791 --> 00:00:26,274
Ooh! [Growls]
9
00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:27,913
- Mommy!
- A a a a a a ah!
10
00:00:27,998 --> 00:00:30,100
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
11
00:00:35,541 --> 00:00:37,626
You're strong, Daddy.
Break it!
12
00:00:37,711 --> 00:00:39,500
Oh, no.
That's just a gimmick
13
00:00:39,585 --> 00:00:40,763
to get suckers worked up
14
00:00:40,847 --> 00:00:42,632
so they buy a phone case
they don't need.
15
00:00:42,731 --> 00:00:44,109
If you can break it,
it's free.
16
00:00:44,194 --> 00:00:46,585
Gimme!
Why won't you break?!
17
00:00:46,670 --> 00:00:48,588
I! Want! You!
18
00:00:48,673 --> 00:00:49,824
So! Bad!
19
00:00:49,976 --> 00:00:51,930
Ah, this could be a while.
20
00:00:52,015 --> 00:00:55,079
They actually let you camp out
in the store for three weeks?
21
00:00:55,164 --> 00:00:56,712
Well, I had to do
a little light vacuuming
22
00:00:56,796 --> 00:00:58,815
and help steal customer
data, but I'm first
23
00:00:58,899 --> 00:01:01,684
in line for the Distractor 12,
the last smart phone
24
00:01:01,768 --> 00:01:03,352
I'll ever need
for the next six months.
25
00:01:03,436 --> 00:01:05,739
I heard it has a new
texting and driving feature
26
00:01:05,839 --> 00:01:07,657
where the phone drives
while you text.
27
00:01:07,741 --> 00:01:09,092
I heard it lets you
talk to the dead.
28
00:01:09,176 --> 00:01:10,860
First of all,
I'm excited to say
29
00:01:10,944 --> 00:01:13,196
we received enough
phones for all of you.
30
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:14,230
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
31
00:01:14,314 --> 00:01:15,698
I'm even more excited
32
00:01:15,782 --> 00:01:18,201
to announce that we sold
all but one to Russian bots!
33
00:01:18,285 --> 00:01:20,303
- Da!
- Boo!
34
00:01:20,387 --> 00:01:21,838
This is an outrage!
35
00:01:21,922 --> 00:01:23,539
I've been standing
next to a lady who peed
36
00:01:23,623 --> 00:01:24,907
in a bucket for three weeks!
37
00:01:24,991 --> 00:01:27,877
Hey, a little respect.
I'm still your mayor!
38
00:01:27,961 --> 00:01:30,580
To make this experience
even more annoying,
39
00:01:30,664 --> 00:01:32,181
we're randomly
sending out a code
40
00:01:32,265 --> 00:01:36,619
to one customer in line who will
receive the last Distractor 12.
41
00:01:36,703 --> 00:01:38,354
[gasps] Bex,
you're a religious freak.
42
00:01:38,438 --> 00:01:40,189
Hit up your boy God for me!
43
00:01:40,273 --> 00:01:41,624
Almighty Lord,
44
00:01:41,708 --> 00:01:47,363
deliver thy pin code unto
Yangzi who art in line.
45
00:01:47,447 --> 00:01:48,798
- [phone chimes]
- I got it!
46
00:01:48,882 --> 00:01:50,199
I got the Distractor!
47
00:01:50,345 --> 00:01:52,149
I'm better than all y'all!
48
00:01:52,234 --> 00:01:54,454
- Aw!
- Congratulations, Yangzi!
49
00:01:54,539 --> 00:01:57,368
- I know how much you wanted this.
- Yeah, dude, whatever.
50
00:01:57,453 --> 00:01:59,945
Wait.
I wasted a miracle on that?
51
00:02:00,030 --> 00:02:03,133
My youth pastor's
in the hospital!
52
00:02:03,335 --> 00:02:04,547
A a a ah!
53
00:02:04,631 --> 00:02:06,949
No mercy, Jing!
No mercy!
54
00:02:07,033 --> 00:02:08,384
Mom, look!
55
00:02:08,468 --> 00:02:10,086
Pop Sockets, Pop Sockets,
Pop Sockets!
56
00:02:10,170 --> 00:02:11,782
Sock puppets?
What are you saying?
57
00:02:11,867 --> 00:02:13,165
- Slow down.
- A Pop Socket
58
00:02:13,250 --> 00:02:14,824
is an amazing invention
that helps you
59
00:02:14,908 --> 00:02:17,326
hold your phone for hours, even
after carpal tunnel sets in.
60
00:02:17,410 --> 00:02:18,628
I need one or I'll die!
61
00:02:18,712 --> 00:02:20,430
- Okay, get one.
- You're amazing.
62
00:02:20,514 --> 00:02:22,465
I love you forever. Thanks.
63
00:02:22,549 --> 00:02:24,066
No, I mean you pay for it.
64
00:02:24,150 --> 00:02:26,302
I hate you!
You make me sick!
65
00:02:26,386 --> 00:02:27,904
Hey! Enough, damn it.
66
00:02:27,988 --> 00:02:31,071
You want this damn crap, then
you need to get a damn job.
67
00:02:31,156 --> 00:02:33,641
That's right, I've been
binging old episodes
68
00:02:33,726 --> 00:02:34,875
of Bernie Mac again.
69
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,165
America, I'm sick and tired
of these damn kids.
70
00:02:38,250 --> 00:02:40,902
If Kimberly keeps talking
about Pop Sockets,
71
00:02:40,986 --> 00:02:43,104
she's gonna get
popped in her socket.
72
00:02:43,188 --> 00:02:45,306
When I was your age,
I babysat all the time.
73
00:02:45,390 --> 00:02:48,910
I even made enough money to
buy a VHS tape of "No Way Out"
74
00:02:48,994 --> 00:02:52,180
starring Kevin Costner.
[rolls tongue] Rrrrllll...
75
00:02:52,264 --> 00:02:53,915
Can't I get a job
more in my skill set,
76
00:02:53,999 --> 00:02:55,817
like guessing which pills
middle-aged women are on?
77
00:02:55,901 --> 00:02:57,919
You're babysitting,
and that is final.
78
00:02:58,003 --> 00:03:00,789
Geez, take your
benzos and estrogen.
79
00:03:00,873 --> 00:03:02,357
Benzos and estrogen?
80
00:03:02,441 --> 00:03:07,479
I'm gonna bend-zos kids over
and whip their ass-trogens.
81
00:03:08,013 --> 00:03:09,964
Quit it!
Kimberly, you psycho!
82
00:03:10,048 --> 00:03:11,583
[groans]
83
00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:14,836
Mom, Kimberly stuck her
Cinnabon in my hair!
84
00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:18,824
I'm acting out 'cause I don't
want to be a stupid babysitter!
85
00:03:18,924 --> 00:03:20,575
Duncan, just eat around it.
86
00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:24,045
I'm trying!
[grunting]
87
00:03:24,129 --> 00:03:26,281
Why does this always happen
on Sugar for Dinner night?
88
00:03:26,365 --> 00:03:30,552
Just plant 'em in front
of the TV and let 'em crash.
89
00:03:30,636 --> 00:03:31,786
- Hmm.
- Hi, Bradley.
90
00:03:31,870 --> 00:03:33,388
I shot a flamethrower today!
91
00:03:33,472 --> 00:03:35,723
I'm pwanting
an organic garden.
92
00:03:35,807 --> 00:03:37,425
- Hey, Patricia.
- Hello, Annie.
93
00:03:37,509 --> 00:03:39,794
- Kids, huh?
- I know, we mom so hard,
94
00:03:39,878 --> 00:03:41,963
don't we, girl?
Welp, it's wine o'clock.
95
00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:42,864
Bye! Ha ha!
96
00:03:42,948 --> 00:03:47,219
Ha ha. It's 4:00, girl.
97
00:03:47,319 --> 00:03:48,503
And check this out.
98
00:03:48,587 --> 00:03:50,839
The Distractor 12
takes reverse selfies!
99
00:03:50,923 --> 00:03:52,707
Ba-I am!
Back of my head!
100
00:03:52,791 --> 00:03:54,042
How did it do that?
101
00:03:54,126 --> 00:03:56,511
Who cares?
Blam! CAT scan app!
102
00:03:56,595 --> 00:03:59,247
Damn, dude!
Your rotator cuff is shot!
103
00:03:59,331 --> 00:04:01,382
Who cares? I live so close
to the cell tower,
104
00:04:01,466 --> 00:04:03,468
my internal organs are
probably like fried chicken,
105
00:04:03,569 --> 00:04:06,721
but the signal's so good, I get
breaking World Star headlines.
106
00:04:06,805 --> 00:04:08,056
So? We all do.
107
00:04:08,140 --> 00:04:10,024
From tomorrow!
108
00:04:10,108 --> 00:04:11,259
All: Whoa!
109
00:04:11,343 --> 00:04:12,277
Damn!
110
00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:14,996
Dr. Fauci and Lizzo
announced they're dating!
111
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:15,997
Say what?!
112
00:04:16,081 --> 00:04:17,232
Oh, no!
113
00:04:17,316 --> 00:04:18,733
They just called it quits.
114
00:04:18,817 --> 00:04:21,603
I thought Fizzo was forever.
I'm out.
115
00:04:21,687 --> 00:04:24,038
Hey, this is fun and all,
but it's 2:00 a. M.,
116
00:04:24,122 --> 00:04:26,441
and my mom's upset
we've been shouting "whoa"
117
00:04:26,525 --> 00:04:28,060
and "damn" so much.
118
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,078
Yeah, I have to be up
5:00 a. m.
119
00:04:30,162 --> 00:04:33,081
To make my grandma
hard-boiled eggs. Good night.
120
00:04:33,165 --> 00:04:35,016
Your loss, 'cause
the clicks keep coming.
121
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:36,718
"Soldier Reunites
With Favorite Stripper.
122
00:04:36,802 --> 00:04:38,520
You'll Cry Your Eyes Out. Like.
123
00:04:38,604 --> 00:04:40,388
"Serial Killer Faints
During Sentencing."
124
00:04:40,472 --> 00:04:41,589
Like.
125
00:04:41,673 --> 00:04:43,591
"Woman Stabs Sister
Over Last Curly Fry."
126
00:04:43,675 --> 00:04:46,011
Hmm.
Like and share.
127
00:04:47,446 --> 00:04:49,164
Class, you're in for a treat.
128
00:04:49,248 --> 00:04:52,000
I finally completed
my Hamilton-esque musical,
129
00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:53,601
but from England's
point of view.
130
00:04:53,685 --> 00:04:55,070
It's called "George."
131
00:04:55,155 --> 00:04:56,570
♪ I'm George, I'm George ♪
132
00:04:56,655 --> 00:04:57,939
♪ And I like to eat porridge ♪
133
00:04:58,024 --> 00:04:59,510
♪ 'Cause I'm British
and I'm skittish ♪
134
00:04:59,594 --> 00:05:01,445
♪ About Valley Forge ♪
135
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:04,170
Hey, Yangzi, I'm spittin'
my heart out here.
136
00:05:04,255 --> 00:05:05,382
Phone down!
137
00:05:05,467 --> 00:05:06,617
"Man Lucky To Be Alive
138
00:05:06,702 --> 00:05:08,515
After Firework Thrown
Inside His Convertible."
139
00:05:08,667 --> 00:05:10,118
- Like.
- What the hell?
140
00:05:10,202 --> 00:05:11,519
Your battery's dead.
141
00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:13,254
"Meth Head Dressed As Santa
142
00:05:13,338 --> 00:05:14,823
Won't Stop Doing Pull-Ups."
143
00:05:14,907 --> 00:05:15,657
Like.
144
00:05:15,741 --> 00:05:17,592
He just got the Distractor 12.
145
00:05:17,676 --> 00:05:19,227
He's been on it all night.
146
00:05:19,311 --> 00:05:23,298
Yeah, he accidentally sent
me a reverse nude this morning.
147
00:05:23,382 --> 00:05:25,166
Oh, no.
I had to attend a boring
148
00:05:25,250 --> 00:05:27,702
two-hour Zoom
conference about this.
149
00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:29,704
It's called "Scrolliosis."
150
00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:30,905
And it's hell a fatal.
151
00:05:30,989 --> 00:05:32,941
[all gasp]
Or somethin' bad.
152
00:05:33,025 --> 00:05:34,209
I turned my screen off
to eat cereal.
153
00:05:34,293 --> 00:05:36,711
Bottom line,
he's tweaked out on data,
154
00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:38,413
and I gotta take his phone.
155
00:05:38,497 --> 00:05:39,080
[all gasp]
156
00:05:39,164 --> 00:05:40,715
Duncan, Wolf, hold him down.
157
00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:42,751
Bex, put your book bag
over his head.
158
00:05:42,835 --> 00:05:44,686
The rest of you,
sign these NDAs.
159
00:05:44,770 --> 00:05:46,038
Okay, here we go.
160
00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:48,590
Mia, if he kills me,
you're the teacher.
161
00:05:48,674 --> 00:05:50,125
Yes!
162
00:05:50,209 --> 00:05:51,960
[Yangzi grunts]
163
00:05:52,044 --> 00:05:53,645
Dislike!
164
00:05:56,548 --> 00:05:57,899
Okay, Kimberly.
165
00:05:57,983 --> 00:05:59,300
All great babysitters
have one thing in common.
166
00:05:59,384 --> 00:06:01,903
Their moms are too cheap
to buy them a Pop Socket?
167
00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:03,538
No, they keep the kid alive.
168
00:06:03,622 --> 00:06:07,542
The number one threat
to any child...
169
00:06:07,626 --> 00:06:08,777
the deadly grape.
170
00:06:08,861 --> 00:06:10,178
Goo-goo, ga-ga.
171
00:06:10,262 --> 00:06:13,014
That grape looks too big
for my tiny throat,
172
00:06:13,098 --> 00:06:16,551
but I'm going to pop it
into my mouth anyway.
173
00:06:16,635 --> 00:06:17,986
[chokes]
174
00:06:18,070 --> 00:06:19,204
I'm acting.
175
00:06:19,304 --> 00:06:22,257
Just remain calm,
take off the child's shoe,
176
00:06:22,341 --> 00:06:24,692
and tickle their foot
until they giggle it out.
177
00:06:24,776 --> 00:06:26,245
I'm pretty sure
you do the Heimlich.
178
00:06:26,345 --> 00:06:27,529
We'll see about that.
179
00:06:27,613 --> 00:06:29,564
- Doodle-iddle-iddle...
- Ha ha ha ha!
180
00:06:29,648 --> 00:06:31,166
[chokes]
181
00:06:31,250 --> 00:06:32,534
- [pop]
- [gasp/inhale]
182
00:06:32,618 --> 00:06:34,803
Tickle... feet!
183
00:06:34,887 --> 00:06:36,805
- Ticky-tick-tick-ticky...
- [giggles]
184
00:06:36,889 --> 00:06:39,307
- Ooh...
- Why am I even doing this?
185
00:06:39,391 --> 00:06:40,875
No one's responded to my flyer.
186
00:06:40,959 --> 00:06:43,344
You put up one!
On a bee's nest!
187
00:06:43,428 --> 00:06:45,480
For people
who gather fresh honey.
188
00:06:45,564 --> 00:06:47,132
[doorbell dings]
189
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:51,886
While gathering fwesh honey
for my herbal tea this morning,
190
00:06:51,970 --> 00:06:54,956
I noticed your advertisement.
191
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,959
We require your services
this evening.
192
00:06:58,043 --> 00:06:59,694
Get out of here,
you little freak!
193
00:06:59,778 --> 00:07:01,229
You need a babysitter?
194
00:07:01,313 --> 00:07:04,365
My pwarents got tickets to
"This American Life on Ice,"
195
00:07:04,449 --> 00:07:08,403
and my regular sitter is
doing her dissertation at MIT.
196
00:07:08,487 --> 00:07:11,106
I don't know what any of
that means, but she'll take it!
197
00:07:11,190 --> 00:07:12,974
Mommy, no!
198
00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:15,944
I spent 36 hours
in labor with that child.
199
00:07:16,028 --> 00:07:18,947
She can spend a couple hours
doing some child labor!
200
00:07:19,031 --> 00:07:21,993
Damn, it's hard coming up
with these turns of phrase!
201
00:07:22,095 --> 00:07:24,986
Hey! I used to be able to
smoke these on this network!
202
00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:28,240
That's some bull,
Fox Standards!
203
00:07:32,110 --> 00:07:33,962
Okay, Kimberly,
we just have a few
204
00:07:34,046 --> 00:07:36,030
healthy boundaries
for Bradley.
205
00:07:36,114 --> 00:07:39,067
No screens, no sugar, no games
with chutes and/or ladders,
206
00:07:39,151 --> 00:07:41,770
no music after 1930,
and make sure
207
00:07:41,854 --> 00:07:44,389
he takes his
Mare of East town Vitamins.
208
00:07:44,890 --> 00:07:47,876
I like to eat
the ponytail first.
209
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,677
I promise Bradley
will get my full attention.
210
00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:51,129
What's your Wi-Fi password?
211
00:07:51,230 --> 00:07:52,668
Oh, we don't have Wi-Fi.
212
00:07:52,753 --> 00:07:54,355
It turns your insides
to fried chicken.
213
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:55,441
Come on, honey.
214
00:07:55,526 --> 00:07:57,803
I want to see Ira Glass
lace up his skates.
215
00:07:57,903 --> 00:07:59,587
[speaking French]
216
00:07:59,671 --> 00:08:00,955
Bonsoir, Patwicia.
217
00:08:01,039 --> 00:08:02,557
- [door closes]
- So what do we do
218
00:08:02,641 --> 00:08:03,675
for the next three hours?
219
00:08:03,775 --> 00:08:04,993
Play peek-a-boo or some crap?
220
00:08:05,077 --> 00:08:06,127
Heavens no.
221
00:08:06,211 --> 00:08:07,228
I have a snack...
222
00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:09,497
One gwape, cut safely
in half lengthwise,
223
00:08:09,581 --> 00:08:12,667
then tuck myself in
to read Dostoevsky.
224
00:08:12,751 --> 00:08:14,169
Good night.
225
00:08:14,253 --> 00:08:16,938
Wow, a whole night
to myself with...
226
00:08:17,022 --> 00:08:17,939
[gasps]
227
00:08:18,023 --> 00:08:19,107
No Wi-Fi!
228
00:08:19,191 --> 00:08:23,244
Well, I do have a lot
of homework to do.
229
00:08:23,328 --> 00:08:27,048
"It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times."
230
00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:28,650
God, pick a lane.
231
00:08:28,735 --> 00:08:29,821
Screw this.
232
00:08:29,906 --> 00:08:31,774
I'm gonna snoop.
233
00:08:32,271 --> 00:08:35,974
ED? I thought her
husband's name was Tom.
234
00:08:37,342 --> 00:08:39,661
Oh, my God, it's huge!
235
00:08:39,745 --> 00:08:41,830
Who needs a tote bag this big?
236
00:08:41,914 --> 00:08:43,832
And why do they keep it
in their nightstand?
237
00:08:43,916 --> 00:08:46,734
Ugh!
This place is so boring.
238
00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:49,037
Huh? Oh, that's right.
239
00:08:49,121 --> 00:08:50,371
She's a therapist!
240
00:08:50,455 --> 00:08:54,193
Straitjackets and people's
private pain... yes, please.
241
00:08:59,131 --> 00:09:02,835
Wow.
The air is salty with tears.
242
00:09:04,069 --> 00:09:05,220
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
243
00:09:05,304 --> 00:09:07,489
Of course, I'll have
to report what you told me
244
00:09:07,573 --> 00:09:08,590
to the authorities.
245
00:09:08,674 --> 00:09:09,557
Whee!
246
00:09:09,641 --> 00:09:10,625
[gasps]
247
00:09:10,709 --> 00:09:12,293
Her secret files!
248
00:09:12,377 --> 00:09:13,661
Ugh.
249
00:09:13,745 --> 00:09:15,380
[squeals] Eee!
250
00:09:17,082 --> 00:09:18,933
No! No!
251
00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:20,435
I'm not addicted to my phone.
252
00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:22,504
I just need something to keep
my hands busy at parties.
253
00:09:22,588 --> 00:09:23,505
Come on, guys.
254
00:09:23,589 --> 00:09:25,073
It's your boy!
255
00:09:25,157 --> 00:09:27,709
It's just an overnight
detox, dude.
256
00:09:27,793 --> 00:09:29,778
Your phone is killing you.
257
00:09:29,862 --> 00:09:31,479
And you're annoying
the hell out of us!
258
00:09:31,563 --> 00:09:34,816
Just let me see how Jason
Derulo's vacation is going.
259
00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:36,384
He needs engagement!
260
00:09:36,468 --> 00:09:39,754
[grunting]
261
00:09:39,838 --> 00:09:41,923
He's Hulking the duct tape!
262
00:09:42,007 --> 00:09:42,924
Run!
263
00:09:43,008 --> 00:09:43,992
Aah!
264
00:09:44,076 --> 00:09:45,527
[clang]
265
00:09:45,611 --> 00:09:47,562
Jason Derulo!
266
00:09:47,646 --> 00:09:48,930
Ugh.
That is it.
267
00:09:49,014 --> 00:09:51,533
I am putting him
out of his misery.
268
00:09:51,617 --> 00:09:52,951
- Bex, no!
- What?
269
00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:55,603
I'd want you to
bash my brains in.
270
00:09:55,687 --> 00:09:57,439
I love babysitting!
271
00:09:57,523 --> 00:09:59,140
Home invasion!
Aah!
272
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:00,287
I knew you'd love it!
273
00:10:00,372 --> 00:10:01,545
So what did you like most?
274
00:10:01,630 --> 00:10:03,878
A parent's trust?
A child's hug?
275
00:10:03,962 --> 00:10:05,847
Rubbing your bare feet
all over their carpet?
276
00:10:05,931 --> 00:10:08,017
- That was always my favorite.
- I liked the part
277
00:10:08,102 --> 00:10:09,440
where I got the money
and it was over.
278
00:10:09,524 --> 00:10:11,399
They're even having me
back tomorrow night!
279
00:10:11,532 --> 00:10:14,619
More importantly, I learned so
much, like why Helen Diggins
280
00:10:14,704 --> 00:10:16,049
always smells like bananas.
281
00:10:16,134 --> 00:10:19,002
It's because she likes to
smear them all over her body!
282
00:10:19,087 --> 00:10:21,463
Gross!
And how do you know this?
283
00:10:21,548 --> 00:10:22,838
Patricia
is Helen's therapist.
284
00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:24,313
It was in her secret file.
285
00:10:24,398 --> 00:10:26,791
Kimberly,
you're in a position of trust.
286
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:28,236
You're not supposed
to be snooping.
287
00:10:28,415 --> 00:10:29,846
So, you don't want to hear
288
00:10:29,931 --> 00:10:33,050
what Old Man Johnson can't stop
doing in a public bathroom?
289
00:10:33,134 --> 00:10:35,152
Let me get some wine.
290
00:10:35,236 --> 00:10:38,139
Aw, it's so sad that
Mr. Mitch never got
291
00:10:38,239 --> 00:10:39,690
the approval of Mee-maw Mitch.
292
00:10:39,774 --> 00:10:43,427
Here's one that'll pick us
up, "Mayor Jen's Hit and Run."
293
00:10:43,511 --> 00:10:45,229
Ooh.
"Annie Harris!"
294
00:10:45,313 --> 00:10:47,331
Let's see what this
psycho's up to!
295
00:10:47,415 --> 00:10:49,366
I'm not a patient
of Patricia's.
296
00:10:49,450 --> 00:10:51,969
"Annie Harris
is not my patient..."
297
00:10:52,053 --> 00:10:53,771
- See?
- "But she should be."
298
00:10:53,855 --> 00:10:56,173
Oh, why do I always
jump in so fast?
299
00:10:56,257 --> 00:10:58,409
"She parents her
children with TV,
300
00:10:58,493 --> 00:11:01,846
sugar, and unfettered access
to flamethrowers."
301
00:11:01,930 --> 00:11:03,280
One time!
302
00:11:03,364 --> 00:11:05,950
"She stresses out her
poor husband so much,
303
00:11:06,034 --> 00:11:08,586
"I once saw him eat
an entire sheet cake,
304
00:11:08,670 --> 00:11:11,422
"crouched in the bushes,
singing 'happy birthday to me, '
305
00:11:11,506 --> 00:11:12,490
while weeping."
306
00:11:12,574 --> 00:11:13,791
Candles and all.
307
00:11:13,875 --> 00:11:17,394
But it's not your fault.
I'm just powerless over cake.
308
00:11:17,478 --> 00:11:19,997
She's blaming me
for everything.
309
00:11:20,081 --> 00:11:21,999
I'm a damn fine matriarch.
310
00:11:22,083 --> 00:11:23,290
Cheers to that!
311
00:11:23,375 --> 00:11:23,991
Ah!
312
00:11:24,313 --> 00:11:26,370
Nobody judges my mom but me!
313
00:11:26,454 --> 00:11:28,506
No way I'm babysitting
for her tomorrow.
314
00:11:28,590 --> 00:11:30,040
Oh, yes, you are!
315
00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:31,976
Because
we're the bigger people.
316
00:11:32,060 --> 00:11:33,811
- Right, honey?
- Hell no!
317
00:11:33,895 --> 00:11:35,412
While she's
babysitting, we're gonna
318
00:11:35,496 --> 00:11:39,150
snoop the crap out of Patricia's
house to get dirt on her.
319
00:11:39,234 --> 00:11:40,918
Don't you want to hear
about Coach Walters'
320
00:11:41,002 --> 00:11:42,853
alternate personality Kirk?
321
00:11:42,937 --> 00:11:44,755
Coach Walters is Kirk?
322
00:11:44,839 --> 00:11:47,992
[birds chirping]
323
00:11:48,076 --> 00:11:50,060
He's not yelling anymore.
324
00:11:50,144 --> 00:11:52,680
Yo, Yangzi!
You dead?
325
00:11:55,049 --> 00:11:56,367
[groaning]
326
00:11:56,451 --> 00:11:59,804
How long was I running
full-speed into the door?
327
00:11:59,888 --> 00:12:00,905
About 12 hours.
328
00:12:00,989 --> 00:12:02,206
Ah! What is that
329
00:12:02,290 --> 00:12:05,042
that giant fiery
ring light in the sky?
330
00:12:05,126 --> 00:12:06,310
Are you talking about
the sun?
331
00:12:06,394 --> 00:12:08,646
Wow.
Has that always been there?
332
00:12:08,730 --> 00:12:11,048
Whoa!
A flying emoji!
333
00:12:11,132 --> 00:12:12,483
No, that's just a butterfly.
334
00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:15,803
How did I not notice all
this dope stuff before?
335
00:12:15,904 --> 00:12:17,555
Because you were
too busy following
336
00:12:17,639 --> 00:12:20,157
the Twitter fight between Olivia
Rodrigo and Oscar the Grouch.
337
00:12:20,241 --> 00:12:21,859
He called her trash
and she didn't
338
00:12:21,943 --> 00:12:23,127
realize it was a compliment.
339
00:12:23,211 --> 00:12:25,262
Welp, I got bit by
a weird bug out here
340
00:12:25,346 --> 00:12:28,199
and I can't feel my leg,
so I'm going to urgent care.
341
00:12:28,283 --> 00:12:29,433
Later!
342
00:12:29,517 --> 00:12:32,570
- Super proud of you, Yangzi.
- See?
343
00:12:32,654 --> 00:12:35,439
I told you that serious
addiction is not that serious.
344
00:12:35,523 --> 00:12:37,308
All right, I'm just
gonna stay here and marvel
345
00:12:37,392 --> 00:12:39,160
at all the wonders around me!
346
00:12:39,260 --> 00:12:41,812
Real life is my
social media now.
347
00:12:41,896 --> 00:12:43,781
[sighs]
348
00:12:43,865 --> 00:12:46,317
Hello, little emoji.
349
00:12:46,401 --> 00:12:47,618
I like you.
350
00:12:47,702 --> 00:12:49,620
Like, like...
[squeaks]
351
00:12:49,704 --> 00:12:51,555
Like. Like.
Like. Like.
352
00:12:51,639 --> 00:12:54,409
Like like like like like.
353
00:12:57,245 --> 00:12:59,230
Okay. Bradley
made his chamomile tea,
354
00:12:59,314 --> 00:13:01,265
read me his one-act play,
and put himself to bed.
355
00:13:01,349 --> 00:13:02,867
Let's do some snooping.
356
00:13:02,951 --> 00:13:05,420
Annie, I'm not really
on board with this.
357
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:08,906
Jack, this woman accused me
of ruining my family's life
358
00:13:08,990 --> 00:13:10,441
with my poor choices!
359
00:13:10,525 --> 00:13:13,310
Now help me ransack her
house, Jing's home alone.
360
00:13:13,394 --> 00:13:15,546
I turned on the stove
all by myself!
361
00:13:15,630 --> 00:13:17,314
I told you, I've already
been through this place.
362
00:13:17,398 --> 00:13:18,749
You're not gonna find anything.
363
00:13:18,833 --> 00:13:20,384
That's 'cause
you're an amateur!
364
00:13:20,468 --> 00:13:23,187
When I was babysitting,
I was the queen of snooping.
365
00:13:23,271 --> 00:13:25,790
I found Polaroids
in a bag of frozen peas
366
00:13:25,874 --> 00:13:26,891
that ended a marriage!
367
00:13:26,975 --> 00:13:28,192
Jack, pull up the carpet!
368
00:13:28,276 --> 00:13:30,161
Kimberly, those books
might be hollow!
369
00:13:30,245 --> 00:13:31,762
Crack one open
for once in your life!
370
00:13:31,846 --> 00:13:33,764
Jeez, Mom, you don't
have to get mean.
371
00:13:33,848 --> 00:13:35,132
Sorry, sorry!
372
00:13:35,216 --> 00:13:36,434
My heart is racing!
373
00:13:36,518 --> 00:13:38,569
Guys, I found something
under the carpet!
374
00:13:38,653 --> 00:13:40,271
Original hardwood floors!
375
00:13:40,355 --> 00:13:41,839
These are gorg!
What were they thinking?
376
00:13:41,923 --> 00:13:43,541
Why don't you go
home and watch Jing?
377
00:13:43,625 --> 00:13:47,445
My imaginary friend dared
me to jump from this window!
378
00:13:47,529 --> 00:13:49,564
Yep, yep, yep.
379
00:13:53,635 --> 00:13:55,486
There's gotta be an
ex-husband's corpse
380
00:13:55,570 --> 00:13:56,620
in these walls.
381
00:13:56,704 --> 00:13:58,823
Kimberly, use your little
hands and feel around.
382
00:13:58,907 --> 00:14:00,925
What are you doing?
383
00:14:01,009 --> 00:14:02,226
[gasps]
384
00:14:02,310 --> 00:14:06,664
Kimberwy, Annie,
you twashed my house.
385
00:14:06,748 --> 00:14:10,000
America, I should have
bought her the damn Pop Socket.
386
00:14:10,084 --> 00:14:11,302
Or the damn sock puppet.
387
00:14:11,386 --> 00:14:13,270
Whatever the damn
thing's called.
388
00:14:13,635 --> 00:14:16,438
Sorry about all
the language tonight.
389
00:14:20,028 --> 00:14:21,645
Bradley, I'm begging you,
as your babysitter,
390
00:14:21,729 --> 00:14:23,047
don't tell your mom about this.
391
00:14:23,131 --> 00:14:24,281
Think of all the fun
we had together.
392
00:14:24,365 --> 00:14:25,950
Remember when I
let you go to bed?
393
00:14:26,034 --> 00:14:27,151
That was fun.
394
00:14:27,235 --> 00:14:29,153
Okay, my wips are sealed.
395
00:14:29,237 --> 00:14:31,756
- [both exhale]
- For a pwice.
396
00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:33,691
There's one thing
I always dweam of doing,
397
00:14:33,775 --> 00:14:38,896
but mother always says no... late
night bweakfast at Danny's.
398
00:14:39,244 --> 00:14:41,463
Danny's? You mean that
Denny's type restaurant
399
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:42,564
that's called Danny's?
400
00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:45,369
Late night at Danny's
is no place for a child!
401
00:14:45,453 --> 00:14:49,869
I want to experience the freak
show that is the weal America.
402
00:14:49,954 --> 00:14:52,176
And also try the
Choconana waffles.
403
00:14:52,260 --> 00:14:55,602
Or I tell mother
you ransacked our house.
404
00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:56,954
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
405
00:14:57,039 --> 00:14:59,392
Danny's, freaks,
waffles, and then home!
406
00:14:59,477 --> 00:15:02,437
- Smart girl.
- [whimpers]
407
00:15:03,238 --> 00:15:04,369
Swish!
408
00:15:04,454 --> 00:15:05,890
Hey, yo, D. Check it out.
409
00:15:05,974 --> 00:15:08,576
I call it, Latte Registration.
410
00:15:08,676 --> 00:15:10,528
That's crazy.
That's crazy.
411
00:15:10,612 --> 00:15:12,296
Oh, Kanye. Ha. Cool.
412
00:15:12,380 --> 00:15:14,298
- Do you like it?
- It's cool.
413
00:15:14,382 --> 00:15:16,734
- Yeah, but do you like it?
- It's cool.
414
00:15:16,818 --> 00:15:19,603
Yeah.
But do you like it?!
415
00:15:19,687 --> 00:15:21,672
I like it!
Leave me alone!
416
00:15:21,756 --> 00:15:24,475
Thank you for your
validation!
417
00:15:24,559 --> 00:15:26,177
Support Black women!
418
00:15:26,261 --> 00:15:28,679
Get the hell out of my house!
419
00:15:28,763 --> 00:15:30,481
Yes!
420
00:15:30,565 --> 00:15:32,316
[doorbell dinging]
421
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:33,902
I'm just stopping
by to say don't
422
00:15:34,002 --> 00:15:36,720
- let your haters get you down!
- I have haters?
423
00:15:36,804 --> 00:15:40,257
Oh, and could you go tell
some strangers what I just said?
424
00:15:40,341 --> 00:15:43,394
You want me to retweet
you in real life?
425
00:15:43,478 --> 00:15:45,129
And throw this
gif on there too!
426
00:15:45,213 --> 00:15:47,131
[frantic humming]
Yangzi.
427
00:15:47,215 --> 00:15:51,052
Oh! Print that out for me!
428
00:15:52,487 --> 00:15:55,390
Coming through.
Watch your feet.
429
00:15:56,958 --> 00:15:59,076
Hah! Hah! Hah!
430
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:02,379
Wow.
It's as horrible as I dweamed.
431
00:16:02,463 --> 00:16:05,082
Okay, Bradley.
Please finish your waffles.
432
00:16:05,166 --> 00:16:07,485
That one-eyed guy
is maddogging me.
433
00:16:07,569 --> 00:16:10,721
And something just
crawled over my foot.
434
00:16:10,805 --> 00:16:12,690
Yup, it's an iguana.
435
00:16:12,774 --> 00:16:13,524
I'm out.
436
00:16:13,608 --> 00:16:17,445
Wait, I... I didn't
try boysenberry!
437
00:16:20,248 --> 00:16:22,133
Stay in school, little man.
438
00:16:22,217 --> 00:16:24,586
[chugging liquid]
439
00:16:26,371 --> 00:16:29,325
Oh, God, an improv
group after their show.
440
00:16:29,410 --> 00:16:30,606
We got out just in time.
441
00:16:30,691 --> 00:16:32,177
- Great yelling tonight!
- Yeah!
442
00:16:32,262 --> 00:16:35,199
Have you ever noticed the louder
we are, the funnier we are?
443
00:16:35,300 --> 00:16:37,629
Okay, Bradley.
Into your car seat.
444
00:16:37,714 --> 00:16:40,200
I've got to get you home
before your mother finds out.
445
00:16:40,471 --> 00:16:42,363
Scwew Patwicia!
446
00:16:42,448 --> 00:16:45,033
I've tasted fweedom and sywup!
447
00:16:45,210 --> 00:16:48,997
I want to listen to explicit
lyrics and stream Euphoria!
448
00:16:49,113 --> 00:16:52,535
My phone!
I'll kill you, you monster!
449
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:56,917
I bewong to the niiiiight!
450
00:16:57,198 --> 00:16:58,549
That guy is good.
451
00:16:58,822 --> 00:17:01,107
- Aah!
- Ohh!
452
00:17:01,293 --> 00:17:02,744
Hear me, hear me!
453
00:17:02,829 --> 00:17:05,381
Marvel at my
uninformed opinions!
454
00:17:05,466 --> 00:17:07,324
That hat you're wearing, sir?
Mm-mm.
455
00:17:07,409 --> 00:17:08,714
That ain't it, chief!
456
00:17:08,799 --> 00:17:11,318
The salesman said it was it.
457
00:17:11,402 --> 00:17:13,219
Listen, Yangzi,
we're proud of you
458
00:17:13,303 --> 00:17:14,738
for kicking your
online addiction,
459
00:17:14,838 --> 00:17:16,790
but you just transferred it
to real life.
460
00:17:16,874 --> 00:17:19,059
I don't follow.
Follow. Follow.
461
00:17:19,143 --> 00:17:21,494
Yangzi, I'm gonna try
to be nice about this.
462
00:17:21,578 --> 00:17:23,763
You're acting like a psycho
and everyone hates you.
463
00:17:23,847 --> 00:17:25,665
Ah, I see your problem.
464
00:17:25,749 --> 00:17:27,133
You all still have your phones.
465
00:17:27,217 --> 00:17:30,737
You just need to get woke to
the dopeness of real life.
466
00:17:30,821 --> 00:17:34,874
[electric crackling]
Oh, the whole world does.
467
00:17:34,958 --> 00:17:36,423
Your eyes are
pinwheeling, man.
468
00:17:36,525 --> 00:17:37,978
I'm gonna knock
out that cell tower
469
00:17:38,062 --> 00:17:40,647
and get people off
their phones forever.
470
00:17:40,731 --> 00:17:42,882
♪ DepowerTheTower!
Whoo!
471
00:17:42,966 --> 00:17:45,173
Damn it. We have to
follow him, don't we?
472
00:17:45,258 --> 00:17:48,495
[all groaning, sighing]
473
00:17:51,415 --> 00:17:52,845
Hello, stwange dog.
474
00:17:52,976 --> 00:17:55,629
I'm gonna pet you
and name you Foamy.
475
00:17:55,713 --> 00:17:57,998
[brakes screeching]
476
00:17:58,082 --> 00:17:59,499
Show's over, Stewie!
477
00:17:59,583 --> 00:18:01,501
[hisses]
Hee-yeah!
478
00:18:01,585 --> 00:18:03,236
Let's ride, Foamy!
479
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:05,330
[dog barking]
Ha ha ha ha!
480
00:18:05,415 --> 00:18:08,330
Oh, God,
he's riding a rabid dog.
481
00:18:08,415 --> 00:18:11,018
This is going poorly.
482
00:18:15,376 --> 00:18:18,268
I'm on top of the world!
483
00:18:18,353 --> 00:18:22,658
I'm staying here till my insides
turn to fwied chicken, Mother!
484
00:18:22,743 --> 00:18:24,491
Bradley, is that you?
485
00:18:24,575 --> 00:18:25,659
Yangzi, my word.
486
00:18:25,743 --> 00:18:27,327
What are you doing here?
487
00:18:27,411 --> 00:18:29,229
Destroying the demon
Wi-Fi that traps us
488
00:18:29,313 --> 00:18:30,931
in a technological dystopia.
You?
489
00:18:31,015 --> 00:18:33,333
I'm hopped up on sugar
and acting out.
490
00:18:33,417 --> 00:18:36,102
I'm tired of living
in Patricia's
491
00:18:36,186 --> 00:18:37,504
overpwotective bubble!
492
00:18:37,588 --> 00:18:39,806
Hey, little dude,
that don't look very safe.
493
00:18:39,890 --> 00:18:42,876
Stop twying to control...
Uh-oh.
494
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:46,025
- Aaah!
- Oh!
495
00:18:46,110 --> 00:18:47,914
Oh my God!
496
00:18:47,998 --> 00:18:50,684
My phone!
It's gotta be so scared!
497
00:18:50,768 --> 00:18:53,604
Save me, Yangzi! - Save me.
498
00:18:53,689 --> 00:18:57,023
I'll give you precious
likes and follows!
499
00:18:57,107 --> 00:19:00,327
Likes and follows.
500
00:19:00,411 --> 00:19:02,526
Your eyes are we verse
pinwheeling, man.
501
00:19:02,611 --> 00:19:06,633
Don't worry, Bradley.
I'll save your live stream.
502
00:19:06,717 --> 00:19:08,301
Guess who's bizzack?
Ha-ha!
503
00:19:08,385 --> 00:19:11,137
It's ya boy Yangzi, hanging
with my main man Bradley,
504
00:19:11,221 --> 00:19:13,506
who's dangling for his life.
Say what up, B.
505
00:19:13,590 --> 00:19:15,308
Pwease, help me.
506
00:19:15,392 --> 00:19:17,010
As a brave sufferer
of Scrolliosis,
507
00:19:17,094 --> 00:19:19,679
I'm gonna use my remaining
strength to save this child.
508
00:19:19,763 --> 00:19:22,633
So smash that like button!
Here we go!
509
00:19:26,637 --> 00:19:30,657
Ha ha! Ahh...
510
00:19:30,741 --> 00:19:33,093
I'm getting so many likes,
we're floating
511
00:19:33,177 --> 00:19:35,239
to safety on my validation.
512
00:19:35,339 --> 00:19:36,528
- Aah!
- Oh, my God.
513
00:19:36,613 --> 00:19:37,664
They're plummeting!
514
00:19:37,748 --> 00:19:40,215
This is going poorly!
515
00:19:40,335 --> 00:19:44,522
- Aah!
- Aah!
516
00:19:44,755 --> 00:19:47,145
Thanks for calling 9-1-1.
517
00:19:47,315 --> 00:19:48,700
Yeah,
that's what a sane person
518
00:19:48,785 --> 00:19:50,754
does when someone's in trouble.
519
00:19:52,596 --> 00:19:55,048
Oh, thank God.
520
00:19:55,132 --> 00:19:58,518
You see what happens when you
break the healthy boundaries?
521
00:19:58,602 --> 00:20:00,387
This is exactly what
I was afraid of.
522
00:20:00,471 --> 00:20:01,955
I met a biker chick.
523
00:20:02,039 --> 00:20:04,424
You know, I think
what we learned tonight
524
00:20:04,508 --> 00:20:07,360
is that being a mom is hard,
and that's why women
525
00:20:07,444 --> 00:20:08,995
have to support each other.
526
00:20:09,079 --> 00:20:11,298
Get help, you lunatic.
527
00:20:11,382 --> 00:20:12,666
Oh, she's right.
528
00:20:12,750 --> 00:20:15,201
- I'm a disaster of a mother.
- Whatever.
529
00:20:15,285 --> 00:20:17,671
You're a hardworking, frazzled,
fun mess who sometimes
530
00:20:17,755 --> 00:20:19,056
gives us donuts for dinner.
531
00:20:19,156 --> 00:20:21,441
And I'm glad 'cause
otherwise, I'd end up
532
00:20:21,525 --> 00:20:22,676
a weird ass kid like Bradley.
533
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:23,939
Oh, yeah, I mean,
there's gonna
534
00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:26,260
be a disturbing documentary
about him someday.
535
00:20:26,345 --> 00:20:28,291
And I'm gonna tell Patricia
this was all my fault
536
00:20:28,376 --> 00:20:29,950
so she has to apologize to you.
537
00:20:30,034 --> 00:20:31,418
You mom hard, girl.
538
00:20:31,502 --> 00:20:33,053
Also, you're taking me
to the mall tomorrow
539
00:20:33,137 --> 00:20:36,289
- and buying me whatever I want.
- Deal.
540
00:20:36,373 --> 00:20:38,658
Well, America,
is Annie Mac perfect?
541
00:20:38,742 --> 00:20:40,026
No.
542
00:20:40,110 --> 00:20:42,862
But as long as my kids love
me, I'm all right with that.
543
00:20:42,946 --> 00:20:44,664
Oh, and I took Kimberly
to the mall.
544
00:20:44,748 --> 00:20:46,566
I didn't buy her jack.
545
00:20:46,650 --> 00:20:48,335
My kids don't tell me
what to do.
546
00:20:48,419 --> 00:20:50,537
And neither do you,
Fox Standards.
547
00:20:50,621 --> 00:20:52,839
I'm smoking this damn thing!
548
00:20:52,923 --> 00:20:54,107
A carrot?!
549
00:20:54,191 --> 00:20:57,528
Which one of you [bleep]
swapped my cigar for a carrot?
550
00:21:01,265 --> 00:21:03,483
I never thought this whole
ordeal would end with you
551
00:21:03,567 --> 00:21:04,851
being one of my patients.
552
00:21:04,935 --> 00:21:06,286
First day in therapy, people!
553
00:21:06,370 --> 00:21:08,188
She gonna fix my
head up real good.
554
00:21:08,272 --> 00:21:09,990
Mental health is mental wealth!
555
00:21:10,074 --> 00:21:11,925
Sit down and stop
quoting my coasters.
556
00:21:12,009 --> 00:21:13,944
What is meant for you
will not pass you by.
557
00:21:14,044 --> 00:21:15,495
Okay, I'm done.
558
00:21:15,579 --> 00:21:17,030
Save me, Patricia!
559
00:21:17,114 --> 00:21:18,698
I broke into a bakery!
560
00:21:18,782 --> 00:21:22,135
I ruined some poor
couple's wedding!
561
00:21:22,219 --> 00:21:23,903
[sobbing]
562
00:21:23,987 --> 00:21:27,007
Just turn a little
more my way.
563
00:21:27,091 --> 00:21:29,109
How's this?
564
00:21:29,193 --> 00:21:31,195
[camera shutter clicks]