♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Ooh!
- Mommy! - Aaaaaaah!
- Duncan! - Duncan!
And that's why I'm pretty damn sure
the aliens built the pyramids.
So we're not gonna open the book at all this year, huh?
You know who I think wrote this book?
I'll tell you next class.
Damn, he knows how to keep us coming back.
Oh, don't forget
the semi-formal dance this Friday night.
Since they rejected my theme Aliens Built the Pyramids,
they're going with Under the Sea.
Pretty funny that the band is Phish, huh?
Phish?
You're the king of comedy and the sea!
Sea Man!
I'm going to dance with your girlfriend.
Do you mind?
Go ahead, Dark Squid.
Ooh!
What I meant was go ahead and die.
Oh, Sea Man.
Let's go find a big clam shell and lay a thousand eggs.
Is there a cat on my back?
Clothes go in your drawer, not on the floor!
Classic!
I'm getting a little tired of Hector's preachiness.
Can we watch another?
Hey, how'd you like to watch something else?
Anything else.
I don't want to, but Hector says,
"It's outta sight to be polite."
Annie, look what's here. "Huxter"!
Oh, my God, Jing!
This was our favorite show when we were kids!
Huxter's the rude, crude dude with attitude!
I'll watch three minutes. Set the timer.
♪ He's half cat ♪
I'm cleaning myself here!
♪ He's half pig ♪
Nice gams, toots!
Now make with the ravioli!
Hot damn!
Eat nukes, Cuba!
♪ Oh, Huxter ♪
I'm a little dirtbag!
Dr. Huxter, what's my diagnosis?
- Uh, you're ugly. - I want a second opinion.
Fine. Your breath sticks, too.
Ooh, hot damn!
You never ask Huxter for a second opinion!
I'm a little dirtbag!
Look at all those suckers,
paying good money to come back to school at night.
For an evening of heavily-censored hip-hop
while teachers watch kids grind on each other.
Educators are such pervs.
I don't know. A dance could be kinda fun.
Don't you think, Mia? - Hell, no!
Unless it was "Game of Thrones"-themed.
Alive or dead, Jon Snow can get it.
Ha! Duncan wants to go to the dance and shake his flat ass!
And fall in love and someone marry his flat ass.
Your ass is flat.
No, I don't want to go to a dance!
And love is stupid. I can't wait to die alone.
I meant a dance could be fun to goof on.
Oh, then we owe your flat ass an apology.
Yeah, we'll go to goof on it. That'd be tight.
Five tickets, please.
And is there a discount if we're just going to goof on it?
Yeah, actually.
You get 10% off and a souvenir cup.
Oh, look, Kimberly.
Aren't those your friends from school?
Kimberly? Kimberly Harris! Where are you?
Oh, my God, Mom! Stop talking!
I don't want them to see me!
Oh, my God.
I always assumed Kimberly's having diarrhea,
but this confirms it.
Way to go, Mom.
They're probably already
posting the poop emoji under my photo on Instagram.
Yep, there it is.
I'll just follow them out to the parking lot
and explain how they make you cry every night.
One thing I know about girls is
they don't like making other girls feel bad.
- Just do your shopping! - Okay!
What? You put it on the list.
Oink meow!
Leave some cookies for the rest of us, Santa!
They're a substitute for alcohol.
What's gotten into you, young lady?
You let watch that stupid "Huxter" show.
It couldn't have had that much effect.
We only let her watch six seasons.
Ravioli?
Hot damn!
Oh, I forgot to wear fancy clothes,
'cause I don't suck.
Solid goof, Duncan! Solid.
Check it out!
I'm dressed like a fru-fru girl.
Isn't that hilarious?
Yeah. Hilarious.
All right, kids.
It's with a heavy heart
that I have to announce the rules for tonight's dance.
No twerking, no backing that thing up,
no busting it wide open,
no popping on a handstand,
and under no circumstances
shall you throw that ass in a circle.
Other than that, have fun.
Yeah, what could be more fun
than bad punch and dollar store cookies in the gym?
Gee, I wonder if they have blue streamers
to represent the sea.
all: Whoa.
♪ I feel like an astronaut in the ocean ♪
Oh, my God, those steamers look just like the sea.
A dolphin cookie bouquet!
Oh, Milanos! The cookies of kings!
I think I'm in love with the paper mâché mermaid.
Take me beneath the waves.
We're still here to goof on this, right?
Oh, yeah. Totally!
It's so lame! - Yeah!
Look at those losers over there,
cherishing their adolescence.
Hey, you know what we should do?
Make fun of them by dancing and smiling just like they are.
Yeah! Idiots.
- That'll show 'em. - Solid goof.
♪ When your brain goes numb ♪
Let's do this, babe.
This is so weak.
♪ I feel like an astronaut in the ocean ♪
Look how impressed they are
by us forming an awesome dance robot!
So sad! Whoo!
Oakdale students,
if you came to this dance just to goof on it,
but now you're having a great time unironically,
let me hear you scream!
♪ Like, like an astronaut in the ocean ♪
Sorry, not getting romantic with y'all.
♪ I feel like an astronaut in the ocean ♪
- Mwah! - Uh--
I got a girlfriend!
Mwah!
I got a girlfriend!
I got a knife.
I gotta go.
I got a girlfriend!
Cool!
And there she is.
Morning, Mia. - Oh hey, Duncan.
Fun dance, huh?
Fun?
Some people are calling it
the greatest night of our lives.
Carry your heavy, worthless books for you?
Oh, I got 'em. Thanks, though.
Hmm?
Uh, uh, hey. Check your phone.
I'm AirDropping a picture for you to post on IG.
It's me waking up with bed head.
It's kinda cute.
Have fun with the caption. I trust you.
Oh, thanks. I'll check it later.
Really? Oh, okay. Uh...
are you cold?
Here, take my hoodie.
I took all the dirty tissues out of the pockets.
That's okay. I'm wearing a jacket.
I'll take it.
The store owner where I steal my morning coffee cake
ripped my shirt when I ran out.
Mm. Damn, Hostess got a hold on me.
It smells like you.
Uh, hey, Mia.
You want to switch seats with Bex
so we can pass each other notes and brush fingers?
Nah, I like sitting up front.
I can really rack up participation points.
Thanks, though.
Hmm. I don't got a girlfriend?
Hold my calls.
Us dirtbags are gonna be upstairs playing poker.
And that better be ravioli,
or I'll put my pig foot in your piehole!
You see what I'm saying? She's out of control.
At HomeGoods,
she dribbled my boobs like a couple of basketballs
and said they need more air!
Sorry, I was just remembering
when Huxter did that to the Queen of England.
The Christmas episode!
Oh, my God, we're horrible parents.
I'm gonna sit her down and tell her it's unacceptable.
No, no, no.
You'll seem like hypocrites
that you let her watch the show.
I'll talk to Jing. I'm her big sister.
She looks up to me.
Listen to the 12-year-old, Annie.
She'll handle it.
If I tell her to stop, she'll stop.
Jing, you've gotta keep going.
I need your hurtful gift to hurt people that hurt me.
What's this dingy dame talking about?
I'm talking about revenge.
Deal us in.
What's going on in her head?
Maybe the helpful people on Reddit have the answer.
"What does it mean when you kiss a girl in a photo booth
and she acts like nothing happened?"
Ugh!
Can we talk?
Who'd you kill?
It's gonna be okay, but you need to tell me everything.
No, I need to talk to you about something personal.
Dunkie, you haven't paid us
a vulnerable middle-of-the-night visit
in years!
You can talk to us about anything, anything!
Just to be clear, you didn't kill anybody, right?
Again, if you did, it's okay.
Okay, so, um, Mia and I shared, like,
um, a "moment of contact,"
but now she's acting like nothing happened.
You look so presidential.
No, the one below it.
Oh, your first smooch! My baby, my baby!
Stop it!
I thought it meant we were a couple,
but at school today, nothing's changed.
Doesn't a kiss mean she's my girlfriend?
It's a start, but it doesn't mean you're a couple.
Yeah!
Mia's probably thinking, "Hey, mister!
"I don't wanna just be your photo booth floozie!
I wanna be your special lady!"
And that requires a grand gesture.
I already offered to tie her shoes.
Bigger!
In front of the whole school, like in the movies.
Yeah!
When I wanted to lock it down with your mother,
I showed up to her soccer practice on a motorcycle.
She was crazy about "The Terminator," so I said...
"Annie!
Come with me if you want to love!"
I held out my hand,
lost control, and smashed into the bleachers.
18 months later, he learned how to walk again
and we've been inseparable ever since.
Ooh, metal rod, metal rod!
Thanks for looking out for me.
You guys are pretty cool. Can I sleep with you tonight?
Fine, just don't hog the whole bed.
Deal.
Oh, I've missed this.
Hey, Kimberly!
Did you see how many likes your diarrhea is getting?
You broke the toilet and the internet.
Oh, you guys like jokes?
Then say hello to my little sister!
Huxter 'em, Jing!
Ladies, the only thing that stinks worse
than her diarrhea are your TikTok dances!
You better watch it, small fry.
Yeah, I am a fry.
So why don't you eat me, grease cheeks?
Kimberly, who is this girl?
Well, lookie what we got here.
I feel like playing basketball!
Jing, no!
They need more air!
Mia, you should tell the lunch lady
you found a fingernail in your pizza.
Nah, I'll eat around it.
I hate when people make a big scene.
What the--is that Duncan?
Okay, Jon Snow!
Horse in the cafeteria?
Not sanitary, but I gotta see where this goes,
so I'll allow it.
Mia, the dance started as a goof,
but turned into something real.
Will you be my mother of dragons?
That means girlfriend.
Oh, Duncan.
No.
Hmm?
Whoo!
Oh, wait, she said no!
Damn!
Why did I chain myself to the saddle?
Don't worry, I'll get the tranquilizer gun!
Damn, I'm a terrible lunch monitor.
Oh, thank God.
It was all just a humiliating dream.
Oh, no, man. It happened.
You're just waking up from the tranquilizer dart.
But my clothes are different.
You weren't even conscious for the worst part,
so you know what?
Let me get you up to speed.
You were chained to the saddle,
so we had to cut you out of your animal pelt,
and that happened in front of everybody.
So the girl of my dreams
rejected me in front of the whole school
and then everyone saw me in my underwear?
We had to cut you out of those, too.
Well, we didn't have to.
Ugh, this is not how my parents said it would turn out
when I was in bed with them!
I ruined my life!
Come on, D.
You can hide in shame forever,
or you can just man up, face Mia,
and tell her you were on crack cocaine.
I wish that was true. But I know what I have to do.
Hey, can we talk?
Aye.
The crabber job, is it out on the sea forever?
- 'Tis is. - Cool.
I'm an experienced crab guy who's done lots of crab stuff.
Impressive résumé. Welcome aboard!
Kimberley, you weaponized your zinger-flinging sister!
She's five years old
and already banned from middle school!
You should be happy. I've never loved Jing more.
And I love zing-flinging!
Now zip it and crank up the Kids Bop, toots!
Wait, this isn't the way home.
Are you driving us off a bridge?
Not today.
We're gonna teach you a lesson
in the form of a cautionary tale.
Ugh! Please just drive us off a bridge.
We're taking you to see Mort Bushmiller,
the creator and voice of Huxter.
Yeah!
So you can see
that a life built on cheap insults
and rude remarks doesn't end well.
Wow! I got a million-dollar mouth!
Did you guys not do a simple Google search?
Hmm.
Ugh! It's full of aliens!
They built the pyramids and now they're gonna kill us!
Duncan, I'm getting the sense
you're not a crab guy who's done lots of crab stuff.
Sorry I lied!
Please don't feed me to the aliens!
Let's go below, hmm?
I'll smoke a smelly pipe while you tell me your tale.
That sounds cool. Got any coffee?
Jack, look!
An autographed poster of the "Huxter" live action movie
starring Jerry O'Connell.
Wow, to stand back-to-back with Huxter.
Welcome to Casa de Dirtbag.
I'm Mort Bushmiller, the creator and voice Huxter.
Oink meow!
Wow, to stand face-to-face with Huxter.
Jack, this is serious.
Although we are huge super-fans and we once mobbed you
at the opening of "Huxter's Hot Wings."
Oh, that's right!
You tore out a patch of my hair!
My dad still wears it around his neck.
Mwah!
Mr. Bushmiller, our five-year-old
got the wrong idea from your hilarious cartoons
and thinks it's okay to be rude and insulting in real life.
So as her parents,
I'm asking you to do our jobs for us.
Well, for starters,
you shouldn't let a five-year-old watch my show.
What else you got?
Okay, I know I hurt a lot of people back then,
and it breaks my heart that Castro died
before I could apologize to him.
Remember Jing, Huxter says...
Words hurt!
No, Huxter says "I'm a little dirtbag!
So make with the zingers, you rich, washed-up hack!
Uh, she's a tough case.
There's a cure for this, but it ain't pretty.
Do what you gotta do.
Okay, Jing. You want the full Huxter?
Gimme!
Here we go!
Words do hurt!
Doesn't he know it's outta sight to be polite?
That was horrifying! It was so personal!
And why'd he drag Grandma into it?
Yeah, he went way over the line,
but wow, traumatized by Huxter.
What an honor.
And then she ran out of the cafeteria
and I'll never be able to face her again.
Could you please stop playing that concertina?
God!
I'll let you in on a secret, Duncan.
None of us knew what a crab was before we got on this boat.
We're all here 'cause we've been rejected by someone.
I was rejected by my Sunday pickup basketball game.
"The Great British Bake Off!"
A pox on you, Mary Berry!
Atlanta Concertina Symphony.
No offense, dude, but they were right.
You suck.
What's your story, Captain Pete?
Like you, I was rejected by my true love.
She was a mermaid off the coast of Mexico.
For months we flirted,
me steering my ship through the chop,
her dancing in the boat's wake.
Then one sunny day,
I got close enough to see
the mermaid was actually a dolphin.
But by that point, my heart was all in.
I killed, gutted, and wore a dolphin's carcass
to show her it could work,
but alas, my grand, bloody gesture was rejected...
because I acted like a freak.
The lesson, Duncan, is don't be a freak.
Come on, man.
All I did was dress up like Jon Snow
and ride a horse into the--
oh, my God, I did act like a freak.
I mean, I didn't take a life like you,
but I was a little extra.
It's too late for us, but you still have a chance.
Swim to her, Duncan!
Can't you guys drop me off or something?
That we can. Set sail for Mia's house!
Seriously, dude. Just no.
Yes, you're right. It is annoying.
Wait, don't be a freak.
Duncan, where have you been?
I tried calling you,
but your voicemail said the sea was your mistress now?
Jealous?
Of the sea?
Never mind.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry
I put you on the spot in the cafeteria.
I took advice from my parents.
Oh, that explains so much.
I felt bad running away, but I just didn't want
to have the conversation in front of the whole school.
Yeah, I kinda beefed that part.
You know how much I like you,
but my life is so full right now
with applying for scholarships,
learning how to play the Middle Eastern ney,
and lobbying to remove lead
from the school drinking fountains.
I drink out of those fountains,
and that water tastes good to me.
But I get your point.
I just don't have time
to give a relationship the attention it deserves.
And you deserve. And me.
But speaking as someone younger than your parents,
could we have the kind of
non-committal casual relationship
our generation is known for and just hang?
You mean, like one-on-one?
Yeah. I'd like that.
Me, too!
What are you doing?
Trying not to be a freak, but I'm really happy.
I gotta get the lead out of that water.
One-on-one!
They're gonna hang one-on-one!
We did it, boys!
So beautiful!
Never give up on love.
I'm open! Give me the ball!
Don't be a grody dweeb to the max!
Tubular!
Annie, that hunk's totally making a grand gesture for you!
Come with me if you want to...
love.
Jack, be careful!
I'm good!
Stop time traveling to prevent your back pain!
Now get in the car before you're arrested
for being naked at a girl's soccer practice!
Oh, my God! I got a boyfriend!